Branding my a** and ‘Friends’ fallout AskRachel

Interesting fact: Real vanilla extract is valuable. Fake vanilla flavoring often comes (seriously) from a goo from a beaver’s butt. Look it up: castoreum. Then try to pretend “vanilla” is an insult.

Dear Rachel, Corporate companies really like to give away merchandise with their logo slapped on it. Why should I walk around wearing and using someone’s swag? I don’t think my tote bag is fair compensation for the advertising I’m providing. Shouldn’t they be paying me a penny every time I sip coffee from my branded Contigo, or a dollar every time someone lays eyes on my corporate ballcap?

– Walking Billboard

Dear William Plank, That’s all true about corporate companies. But you think that’s bad? Retail companies do the same thing, only you have to PAY THEM FOR THE PRIVILEGE. People will pay EXTRA AMERICAN DOLLARS for some hoodie or

Tuesday16

Community Yoga, 4:30-5:30 p.m., Yoga Durango, 1485 Florida Rd. Donations accepted.

Slow Bluegrass Jam, 5:30-7:30 p.m., General Palmer, 567 Main Ave.

Live music, 6-9 p.m., The Office & Diamond Belle, 699 Main Ave.

Victor Andrada plays, 6-9 p.m., Durango Hot Springs.

Black Velvet Duo plays, 6-9 p.m., Lola’s Place, 725 E. 2nd Ave.

Reverend Horton Heat & the Delta Bombers play, doors at 7 p.m., Animas City Theatre.

Open Mic Night, 7 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Wednesday17 koozie or sticker or face tattoo or whatever, just because it has some company’s logo attached to it. This might be criminal, but I’m only upset that I haven’t figured out the right way to brand myself to reap the cash from this cow.

Small Group Meditation, 8-9:15 a.m., Durango Dharma Center, 1800 E. 3rd Ave, Suite 109.

– Big dollaz, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m about to break up with someone because she loves “Friends.” She doesn’t even have the excuse of having loved it in the ’90s. She only recently started watching it online and absolutely love love loves it. It would be like learning, after trying all the ice creams, that she most adores vanilla. It’s perfectly fine, but an exemplar of all the options? The one thing you choose not as accompaniment, but as feature? Rachel, am I wrong to break up with her over this?

– The One Where She Gets Dumped

Dear Idiot, I have to think that “vanilla” be-

Restorative Yoga for Cancer, every Wednesday, 9:30-10:45 a.m., no cost for cancer patients, post-treatment survivors and caregivers, Smiley Building, 1309 E. 3rd Ave. For info and to register, visit cancersupportswco.org/calendar.

Adaptive Sports Association Open House, 10 a.m. For more info, visit asadurango.com

Live music, 6-9 p.m., The Office & Diamond Belle, 699 Main Ave.

Jessica Fichot plays, 7:30 p.m., FLC’s Community Concert Hall.

Geeks Who Drink Trivia, 8 p.m., The Roost, 128 E. College Dr.

Karaoke Roulette, 8 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Ongoing

“Stories We Wear: Recognizing and Honoring Missing and Murdered Indigenous Relatives,” opening reception, Ignacio Public Library, 470 Goddard Ave. Exhibit runs until May 31.

telegraph@durangotelegraph.com came the go-to descriptor for bland and straightforward because it’s as pasty as the parts you’re about to not get touched anymore. But that white is all cream, baby. Vanilla was revered by Mexican and Latin American peoples, until Europeans latched on, when it became a luxury for the elitist of the elite. Friends, and one Friend in particular, are divine treats. You don’t deserve your girl. Maybe you can make it up to her by purchasing my branded zipper hoodie.

– There for you, Rachel

Upcoming

Nuclear Now presentation, May 18, 6-8 p.m., Durango Public Library, 1900 E. 3rd Ave.

Merely Players present “Bright Star,” May 18-20 at 7 p.m. and May 21 at 2 p.m., Merely Underground, 789 Tech Center.

Metal Night, featuring Arsenic Kitchen, Another Day’s Demons and Anarchy Hammer, May 19, 8 p.m., The Hive, 1150 Main Ave.

Black Velvet Duo plays, May 20, 6-9 p.m., Derailed Pour House, 725 Main Ave.

Trivia Night, May 23, 5:30 p.m., Elks Lodge, 901 E. 2nd Ave. Fundraiser for Mission: Support Kids!

Black Velvet Duo plays, May 23, 6-9 p.m., Lola’s Place, 725 E. 2nd Ave.

“Come Fly with Me: Brian De Lorenzo Celebrates Sinatra,” May 30, 7:30 p.m., Summit Church, 2917 Aspen Dr.

by Rob Brezsny

ARIES (March 21-April 19): All of us are always telling ourselves stories – in essence, making movies in our minds. We are the producer, the director, the special effects team, the voice-over narrator and all the actors in these inner dramas. Are their themes repetitious and negative or creative and life-affirming? The coming weeks will be a favorable time to work on emphasizing the latter. If the tales unfolding in your imagination are veering off in a direction that provokes anxiety, reassert your directorial authority. Firmly and playfully reroute them so they uplift and enchant you.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A famous football coach once said his main method was to manipulate, coax and even bully his players into doing things they didn’t like to do. Why? So they could build their toughness and willpower, making it more likely they would accomplish formidable feats. While this may be an approach that works for some tasks, it’s not right for many others. Here’s a further nuance: The grind-it-outdoing-unpleasant-things may be apt for certain phases of a journey to success, but not for other phases. Here’s the good news, Taurus: For now, you have mostly completed doing what you don’t love to do. In the coming weeks, your freedom to focus on doing fun things will expand dramatically.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Most of us have an area of our lives where futility is a primary emotion. This may be a once-exciting dream that never got much traction. It could be a skill we possess that we’ve never found a satisfying way to express. The epicenter of our futility could be a relationship that has never lived up to its promise or a potential we haven’t been able to ripen. Wherever this sense of fruitlessness resides in your own life, Gemini, I have an interesting prediction: During the next 12 months, you will either finally garner some meaningful fulfillment through it or else find a way to outgrow it.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Many of us

Cancerians have high levels of perseverance. Our resoluteness and doggedness may be uncanny. But we often practice these subtle superpowers with such sensitive grace that they’re virtually invisible to casual observers. We appear modest and gentle, not fierce and driven. For instance, this is the first time I have bragged about the fact that I have composed more than 2,000 consecutive horoscope columns without ever missing a deadline. Anyway, my fellow Crabs, I have a really good feeling about how much grit and determination you will be able to marshal in the coming months. You may break your own personal records for tenacity.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Why do migrating geese fly in a V formation? For one thing, it conserves their energy. Every bird except the leader enjoys a reduction in wind resistance. As the flight progresses, the geese take turns being the guide in front. Soaring along in this shape also seems to aid the birds’ communication and coordination. I suggest you consider making this scenario your inspiration, dear Leo. You are entering a phase when synergetic cooperation with others is even more important than usual.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I boldly predict that you will soon locate a missing magic key. Hooray! It hasn’t been easy. There has been luck involved, but your Virgo-style diligence and ingenuity has been crucial. I also predict that you will locate the door that the magic key will unlock. Now here’s my challenge: Please fulfill my two predictions no later than the solstice. To aid your search, meditate on this question: “What is the most important breakthrough for me to accomplish in the next six weeks?”

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Losing something we value may make us sad. It can cause us to doubt ourselves and wonder if we have fallen out of favor with the Fates or are somehow being punished by God. And yet, I have noticed that when these apparent misfortunes have happened, they have often opened up space for new possibilities that would not otherwise have come my way. They have emptied out a corner of my imagination that becomes receptive to a fresh dispensation. I predict such a development for you, Libra.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Kissing is always a worthy way to spend your leisure time, but I foresee an even finer opportunity in the coming weeks: magnificent kissing sprees that spur you to explore previously unplumbed depths of wild tenderness. On a related theme, it’s always a wise self-blessing to experiment with rich new shades and tones of intimacy. But you are now eligible for an unusually profound excursion into these mysteries. Are you bold and free enough to glide further into the frontiers of fascinating togetherness?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Antonie van Leeuwenhoek (1632–1723) worked at a variety of jobs. He sold cloth, was a land surveyor and bookkeeper. He managed the household affairs of his city’s sheriffs, and he supervised the city’s wine imports and taxation. Oh, by the way, he also had a hobby on the side: lensmaking. This ultimately led to a spectacular outcome. Leeuwenhoek created the world’s first high-powered microscope and transformed microbiology into a scientific discipline. In accordance with astrological omens, I propose we make him your inspirational role model in the coming months, Sagittarius. What hobby or pastime or amusement could you turn into a central passion?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I wonder if you weren’t listened to attentively when you were a kid. And is it possible you weren’t hugged enough or consistently treated with the tender kindness you deserved and needed? I’m worried there weren’t enough adults who recognized your potential strengths and helped nurture them. But if you did indeed endure any of this mistreatment, dear Capricorn, I have good news. During the next 12 months, you will have unprecedented opportunities to overcome at least some of the neglect you experienced while young. Here’s the motto you can aspire to: “It’s never too late to have a fruitful childhood and creative adolescence.”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): As I’ve explored the mysteries of healing my traumas and disturbances over the past 20 years, I’ve concluded that the single most effective healer I can work with is my own body. Expert health practitioners are crucial, too, but their work requires my body’s full, purposeful, collaborative engagement. The soft warm animal home I inhabit has great wisdom about what it needs and how to get what it needs and how to work with the help it receives from other healers. The key is to refine the art of listening to its counsel. It has taken me a while to learn its language, but I’m making good progress. Dear Aquarius, in the coming weeks, you can make great strides in developing such a robust relationship with your body.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Can we surmise what your life might be like as the expansive planet Jupiter rumbles through your astrological House of Connections and Communications during the coming months? I expect you will be even more articulate and persuasive than usual. Your ability to create new alliances and nurture old ones will be at a peak.

Deadline for Telegraph classified ads is Tuesday at noon. Ads are a bargain at 10 cents a character with a $5 minimum. Even better, ads can now be placed online: durangotelegraph.com.

Prepayment is required via cash, credit card or check.

(Sorry, no refunds or substitutions.) Ads can be submitted via: n www.durangotelegraph.com n classifieds@durango telegraph.com n 970-259-0133 n 679 E. 2nd Ave., #E2

Approximate office hours:

Mon-Wed: 9ish - 5ish

Thurs: On delivery

Fri: Gone fishing; call first

Announcements

KDUR is Celebrating 50 years of broadcasting in 2025. With that anniversary fast approaching, staff is on the hunt for past DJs. Maybe you did a show for one year, maybe you did a show for 10. However long that was, hopefully you have a fond memory, a story or maybe even some recorded material! If you do, please email station manager Bryant Liggett, Liggett_b@fort lewis.edu or call 970.247.7261 perience in financial management, fundraising, communications, staff relations, program development & administration preferred. $55-65K to start. Email cover letter and resume to: lizpulismora@gmail.com the outdoors? Come join the crew! Applications available on our website or swing by to meet Jen, 3677 Main Ave.

Reruns is Hiring

Part-time, regular help. Please drop off resume at Reruns, 572 E. 6th Ave.

HaikuMovieReview

‘Tag’

Is this juvenile?

Crude, rude and lewd? Yes, it is. And very funny.

– Lainie Maxson

In-Home Fitness Training

Convenient. Private. All ages. Diane Brady NSCA-CPT. 970-903-2421

Summer Employment 2023

Extraordinary

Quantum and alchemy healings along with house blessings provided. Contact Diana at 970 560-7858 or lightdimensions @gmail.com, mountainspirithealing.org

Classes/Workshops

Harness the Power of Your Intent!

Visit Intentionfist.com to learn about the ancient method of harnessing intent to develop integrated strength. Restore your vitality, reclaim lost ranges of motion and bring your energy work or martial arts to the next level using the method. Private lessons, weekly Durango classes & online resources available. Call Steve 281-202-4422

HelpWanted

Karyn Gabaldon Arts Now Hiring PT salesperson. Exp. nec. in art/jewelry sales. Please drop off resume @ 680 Main, Wed. - Sat.

Wanted: iAM Music Exec Director!

Seeking FT dynamic leader to manage planning, organizing, and directing operations while supervising staff. Ex-

Looking for seasonal work?! Or a second job?! Look no further! The Bar D Chuckwagon is hiring motivated, responsible and capable workers in all departments. Food service, cocktail servers, retail, ticketing, blacksmithing, reservations, general grounds & maintenance, entry level positions available. Morning and/or evening shifts. Flexible schedule. On the job training provided. Competitive pay! Apply today or for more information, visit: bardchuck wagon.com/employment

Compañeros is Seeking Qualified Candidates for either an Executive Director or Executive Co-Director position beginning in Summer 2023. Fulltime, $63-$73k annually, competitive benefits package. For more information and to apply, please visit www.compan eros.org/careers

Services

Harmony Cleaning and Organizing

Residential, offices, commercial and vacation rentals, 970-403-6192.

Lowest Prices on Storage!

Inside/outside storage near Durango and Bayfield. 10-x-20, $130. Outside spots: $65, with discounts available. RJ Mini Storage. 970-259-3494.

BodyWork

Hiring Jurors for Legal Focus Group

Jurors needed for Legal Focus Group in Durango Tues., May 16. Work from 7:30am-6pm Pay = $250 Meals provided Apply at: privatejury.com

Durango Outdoor Exchange is looking for a full-time or part-time Gear Specialist. Do you have: retail sales experience -gear knowledge -Saturday availability - self motivation - stoke for

Massage by Meg Bush

LMT, 30, 60 & 90 min., 970-7590199.

Medicinal Massage

Deep tissue body work, joint rehab, muscular tension release. Get your body tune-up. 25% off Tuesdays. Located downtown. Call/text Dennis @ 970.403.5451

Reiki Practitioner, Postpartum Doula and reflexologist. In-office energy work sessions and reflexology by appointment, and in-home postpartum doula services and support. Energy medicine sessions held in office. Jenn DeNunzio Hall, the Sun Building, 755 E. 2nd Ave., Durango. 970-946-9352

Wanted

Cash for Vehicles, Copper, Alum, Etc. at RJ Metal Recycle. Also free appliance and other metal drop off. 970-259-3494.

ForSale

2 Big Head Todd Tickets

It’s bittersweet – I bought too many. Plaza level, center – great seats! Face value: $120 for both. 970-749-2595

The Original Hanging Sky Chair Canvas, treated with paraffin for durability and water repellency. Heavy-duty reinforcements. Black. Includes foot rest. Great cond. Retails $160. Selling $74 OBO. For dets, see FB marketplace or text 970-749-2595.

Reruns Home Furnishings

Brighten up your outdoor space with bistro sets, patio/garden items, furniture and new art. Looking to consign smaller furniture pieces … 572 E. 6th Ave. Open Mon.-Sat. 385-7336.