Durango Telegraph - May 14, 2020

Your weekly weekly

­elegraph­ the­­­­durango

FREE

May 14, 2020 Vol. XIX, No. 17 durangotelegraph.com

inside

T H E

O R I G I N A L

I N D I E

W E E K L Y

L I N E

O N

Camping out

The best defense

State parks re-open; restaurants see light at end of walk-in p7

Tips for building your immune system before COVID hits p8

D U R A N G O

&

B E Y O N D

Going to the dogs Why making your own dog food isn’t so far-fetched p10

Like a virtual road trip.

Issue 12 is now out!

Wherever you find the Telegraph or at www.gulchmag.com.

To find out about advertising opportunities, email: steve@gulchmag.com

2 n May 14, 2020

telegraph

lineup

4

4 La Vida Local

Dealing with loss in the time of coronavirus

4 Thumbin’ It

Last dance

by Luke Mehall

5 Word on the Street

7

6-7 Soapbox

Happy campers

7 State News

State parks open for camping; Polis to make decision on restaurants May 25

by Missy Votel

9 Flash in the Pan 10 Good Eats

Off the grass Step-by-step guide to converting that lush lawn into something useful

12 Ask Rachel

by Ari LeVaux

12 Activities Pages

10

13 Free Will Astrology

Totally raw

14 End of the Line

Trials and tribulations in making your own dog food

by Donna Hewett

15 Classifieds 15 Haiku Movie Review

12

Run for your lives Helping Durango Dude escape murder hornets and score some T.P.

boilerplate

ADVERTISING AFICIONADO: Lainie Maxson (lainie@durangotelegraph.com) STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER: Stephen Eginoire steve@gulchmag.com

T

he Durango Telegraph publishes every Thursday, come hell, high water, beckoning singletrack or monster powder days. We are wholly owned and operated independently by the Durango Telegraph LLC and

Goodnight, skis

With spring run-off in full swing, it might be time to face the facts: winter is not coming back (at least for several months). Make the goodbye a little less painful by giving your winter gear a loving send-off.

Writing for Adventure Journal, Abbie Barronian offers these tips to ensure your gear has a restful hibernation and will be ready to rip (but hopefully not rip) come the first flakes.

8 Health & Wellness

9

EDITORIALISTA: Missy Votel (missy@durangotelegraph.com)

Ear to the ground: “I can do ninth-grade math, I just can’t do sixth-grade math.”

– Local homeschooling parent discussing her lack of recall for basic geometry

thepole

RegularOccurrences

STAR-STUDDED CAST: Lainie Maxson, Luke Mehall, Jesse Anderson, Ari LeVaux, Shan Wells, john van becay & Donna Hewett

On the cover: A kayaker savors the last rays on sunlight as he busts through one of the drops above Smelter Rapid on Tuesday night./ Photo by Stephen Eginoire

REAL WORLD ADDRESS: 679 E. 2nd Ave., Ste E2 Durango, CO 81301 PHONE: 970-259-0133

MAILING ADDRESS: P.O. Box 332 Durango, CO 81302

E-MAIL: telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

VIRTUAL ADDRESS: www.durangotelegraph.com

MAIL DELIVERY AND SUBSCRIPTIONS: $3.50/issue, $150/year

distributed in the finest and most discerning locations throughout the greater Durango area.

We’re only human. If, by chance, we defame someone’s good name or that of their family, neighbor, best

friend or dog, we will accept full responsibility in a public flogging in the following week’s issue.

Although “free but not easy,” we can be plied with schwag, booze and flattery.

telegraph

1. Give your down a little breathing room: Sleeping bags and puffies often come with stuff sacks, but that doesn’t mean they thrive under pressure. After cleaning, store bags loosely in a large canvas or mesh bag in a cool, dry spot.

For puffies, wash according to instructions (pro tip: dry with tennis balls to maintain that poof), and hang or folded loosely in a cool, dry spot.

2. Wash your shells and re-up your DWR: Despite what you may believe, washing and drying water-resistant shells actually refreshes the DWR. Dirt, sweat, sunscreen, burrito leakage and beer all can take a toll. Adding a wash-in formula (like Nikwax) is a great thing to do at the end of the season.

3. Tune and wax your skis. During storage, moisture and debris can settle into little ski wounds, making them far tougher to patch come November. Also consider coating (but not scraping) your bases in a thick layer of wax, which will keep them from drying out. When you break them out for early-season turns, simply scrape off the old wax and you’re good to go. Store skis with a strap or two to keep bases apart and skis together, and make sure they’re totally dry– edges rust quickly.

4. Check your avi and backcountry gear: When’s the last time you checked your probe? Affirm all your gear is functioning properly before storing, yet again, in a cool, dry place (note: not the back of your car.) If you’re really gung ho, you can pull debris off skins with tweezers. Although skins should be fine without the mesh “cheat sheet,”make sure there’s no glue exposed and again, keep them cool: heat is the enemy of skin glue. Also, take the batteries out of your beacon – acid can corrode battery terminals.

5. Let those boots breathe: Pull the liners out to dry thoroughly and, if you’re so inclined, wipe down shells, the outside of the liner and base of the footbed with a wet towel. If you’re still rocking a little boot funk, stick a sock full of baking soda or a few dryer sheets in there before storing. Then, last but not least, buckle them down so the plastic retains its shape and be sure to read them a goodnight story. Maybe the one about that epic powder day when you got first tracks.

May 14, 2020 n

3

opinion

LaVidaLocal Loss in the time of corona There’s a lot to write about these days, yet I’m sure I’m not alone in struggling to find the motivation to write. The struggle is where the blessing lies, in writing. If you spend enough time, and let the muse visit you, eventually the words will come.

I had some ideas bouncing around in my head of what I would write about this week, and then tragedy struck. My friend Dan Escalante was killed in an avalanche while backcountry skiing in Crested Butte.

I was doing a climbing workout in my garage when I got the news. I saw my friend Shaun’s name pop up on my phone and answered it in a cheerful manner. Then he said, “Oh, you don’t know, do you?” And then I braced myself for bad news.

Calls like these are all too routine for those of us that live and breathe for dangerous sports. It doesn’t take away the sting, or the pain. I cried for Dan, got a beer, and then thought about who I needed to call and tell the bad news to.

My fiancée Amber had just started a yoga practice, and I didn’t want to interrupt her self care. As a nurse she needs that now more than ever. They say time is relative and that hour and a half that she was practicing seemed like an eternity. In tears, I told her the news when she was done.

More tears and phone calls. I wept uncontrollably while eating dinner and listening to a tribute show on KBUT, Crested Butte’s community radio station.

One friend told me he hated backcountry skiing because of all the losses our community has endured. I’ve lost more friends to avalanches than anything.

In normal times, we would have been packing up the truck and driving right to the Gunnison Valley to be with friends. But given the current circumstances, it didn’t feel right. Others that were closer to him went. My dear friend Adam Ferro, who considered Dan his best friend, drove up from Durango and was there for the body recovery.

Given that I wasn’t as close to Dan – I didn’t even have his phone number – made his loss no less devastating. Dan was special, and it wasn’t hard to see. It was so obvious that you took his light and levity for granted; that once you met him you knew that God occasionally created people like this.

Dan was a climber, yet I never tied in with him. But we shared the part of climbing that is just as important as the act itself: the community. Dan represented the old school mentality of Crested Butte: to live humbly, help out your neighbors, and enjoy the mountains and the mountain town culture. In the last few years, he had

told me that my writing had become more “crusty.” From a guy like Dan, that was an ultimate compliment. He wanted towns like Crested Butte and Gunnison to remain viable for middle class working folk, and he did everything he could to keep that dream alive.

He was a mountain guide and a builder. He owned several properties in the Gunnison Valley and was always helping people out with creative solutions to find a place to rest their heads. He was a savvy businessman who looked like a hardcore dirtbag; all while being extremely handsome. The ladies loved Dan and he reciprocated. I remember him wearing scrubs – not because he was a medical professional, but because they were cheap clothes!

I hope that I’m doing Dan justice with the words I’m writing. I honestly had no idea what he meant to me until his death. He was a pure soul, and it’s always these pure souls who die in their prime.

His absence will be felt by many, I have no doubt about that. He was a pillar. A legend. A climber. A skier. A boater. An adventurer. A lover of music. A blue-eyed Mexican. A former elected official. A radio DJ. A best friend to many. Irreplaceable. Unforgettable. The type of person we all want to be, but most of us are not cut out for his level of kindness, love and empathy.

The night Amber and I listened to the tribute show for Dan on KBUT, the DJ, Pat O’Neill, said something to the effect of, “get up and dance, you know Dan Dan Escalante in would want you to.”

Crested Butte./ So we did. In our living room. There’s Photo by Lani Bruntz been a lot of boring nights lately, and I know Amber and I have both been bored with our COVID-era routines. But all of a sudden, in all this grief, there was magic. Pure magic that flowed from him, from the Gunnison Valley, from everyone who was listening.

My heart goes out to Dan’s friends and family. My heart goes out to everyone who has lost someone during this very strange time. I’ll leave you with words from Randy Felix, a captain in the Crested Butte Fire Department and good friend to Dan: “Dan has countless close friends and adventure buddies. Almost everyone who knows Dan has been on some awesome adventure with him. I am so fortunate to have traveled the world and climbed with him. The outpouring of love has been beyond belief. Keep it coming. Show your love for Dan however you can. As for what’s next, not sure. I’m sure we will be having a celebration of Dan’s life at some point. This could very well involve a thousand people! For now, keep sharing photos and stories.”

– Luke Mehall is the publisher of The Climbing Zine and author of five books.

Sign of the Downfall:

Thumbin’It Doctors Without Borders deploying a team to the Navajo Nation, which has the highest per capita COVID infection rate in the entire U.S.

4 n May 14, 2020

A.S.S.H.A.T. La Plata County reporting its first confirmed death from COVID-19 and Silverton confirming its first case

A happy story emerging from the pandemic, with a113-year-old woman in Spain surviving not only COVID-19, but the 1918 Spanish flu and two world wars

Out-of-town and out-of-state visitors flagrantly ignoring road barricades and closures in San Juan County

What so far appears to be a successful fix to the formerly scary situation above Smelter Rapid, with improvements made over the winter making for a fun and far-less harrowing run through the rapids

Continued fallout from the 416 Fire, with millions being spent on erosion control in the burn scar area, much on the taxpayers’ dime

telegraph

A Californian company called Production Studio has designed a hazmat suit for raves now that pandemics are a thing.

But don’t worry, the suit is totally compatible with cannabis vaporizers and mixed drinks.

The suit is called “Micrashell,” and it comes complete with two plug-in canisters, one for alcohol and one for weed vapes. Micrashell includes a built-in sound and camera system, has a nifty transparent phone case on the sleeve, and it was designed as a “top only” hazmat suit so users could “engage in intercourse” easily, according to the designers.

WordontheCouch As we pass the twomonth mark of COVID life, the Telegraph asked, “What skill have you picked up or honed during quarantine?”

Q

Sarah

"I’ve mastered the art of day drinking."

Alora

"I’ve learned to work remotely with La Plata Youth Services & local businesses to provide books, art supplies and other amenities for youth."

Odie

“My human and I have gotten better at howling together. I sing along to ‘Happy Birthday’ now!”

Emma

"I’ve become a less neglectful plant mom. My succulents are no longer on the brink of death."

Amanda

“I’ve gotten really good at dry needling myself.”

telegraph

May 14, 2020 n 5

SoapBox

Coronahaikus

Homeostasis & new world balance To the editor, Back in the ’60s when I was a college student, I read a historical novel by Barbara Tuchman, A Distant Mirror. It centered on the calamitous 14th century and the plagues.

Elements of that story remained in my mind, for the relief of that horrendous time came with the help of nature and people taking appropriate actions.

Weather plays an important part in reducing viruses.

Most are susceptible to changes in temperature and climatic conditions. As the hemispheres warm, microbes begin to die off. People spend more time outdoors, reducing contact. Rains play an instrumental part, especially in cities. Surfaces are washed clean, and the rays of warm sun do wonders to eradicate harmful microbes.

During the plagues, the individuals that isolated themselves survived. The cloistered communities, such as abbeys and monasteries, remained relatively free of the viruses and bacteria. If people isolate, the virus cannot spread. Human contact is the culprit. If you go to the store, make sure you have sanitized the grocery basket. Only touch what you are going to buy. Produce carries germs, so wash it thoroughly with water and vinegar. Avoid face-to-face contact.

Our bodies are in constant need of homeostasis. This refers to a biological balance. The planet also needs to remains in homeostasis. It is imperative that we return to this essential balance. The economic and social fabric that we have experienced has unraveled.

There is no returning to the old model. We must forge ahead with policies of sustainability, conservation, pollution control and economic equality. We are now faced with only one alternative, a greater socialized system where the planet can heal and survive.

I have faith that it is possible, if we remain a society of altruism and faith.

– Burt Baldwin, Ignacio

Winged Hope Springtime butterfly Powered by wings, pushed by wind Determination Don’t Stand so Close to Me Leave some safety space It’s like dominos falling, Stop before it starts Durango Dilemma Out paddle boarding It seems way too frivolous Yet so essential Stitch in Time Making PPE’s Betty Ross sewed stars and stripes Are masks our new flag?

How it Spreads Think teen-ager’s socks First just two, then a floor full Exponential growth

LOL Swallow coffee first Before checking Facebook posts Keep your face mask dry

First Responders Get them what they need Guardian angels in scrubs Save their lives for us

Wise Gander Social distant goose To me, that is not silly Do not flock, people

Postcards from Home Still sheltered in place We are all local tourists A long stay-cation

Soon Power to flower Hope flutters on silken wings First spring butterfly – Karen Carver, Durango

Safety will lead to faster recovery To the editor, Life as a legislator these days is unusual and challenging. Our time at home is spent working, navigating a

Best Products, Best People, Best Dispensary.

The Alternative Resource Variety of Strains • Hash/Concentrates • Edibles • Tinctures • ATM Bodo Park

Recreational: 9:00 AM - 8:00 PM Medical: 9:00 AM - 6:45 PM 72 Suttle Street, Units F/G , 970.259.3674

6 n May 14, 2020

Grandview (HWY 160 East)

Recreational Adult Use Only: 9:00 AM - 8:00 PM 37 CR 232, 970.426.4381

telegraph

world of new problems and new concerns. We’re getting ready to return to Denver to fulfill our constitutional obligation to pass the state budget and school finance law.

But revenue projections feel dire, and constituents’4

needs have changed. We are faced with the prospect of cuts to many already-underfunded priorities, so our job remains to do all we can to help hardworking Coloradans and prepare for a strong return when our budget regains strength.

On April 27, Colorado phased into the “Safer-at-Home” response to COVID-19. It relies on individual responsibility, local control and respect for others. If your local public health officials allows, you will no longer need to stay at home but should still venture out only for necessary trips.

Vulnerable individuals should still stay home; distancing measures should still be followed.

Many medical professionals have concerns with the change, noting that we need more testing, more PPE for all health care workers, more funding for local health departments and more awareness about COVID-19 patient care before regulations are relaxed. Check with your public health department for more information.

Retail businesses may open for curbside delivery with phased-in public openings, and personal services like hair and nail salons, tattoo parlors, dog grooming and gyms can open with strict precautions.

Elective medical procedures and retail curbside or delivery business may start again. Large workplaces can open at 50 percent capacity; employers are asked to check workers for COVID-19 symptoms daily. Restaurants and bars may start opening mid-May, on a case-by-case basis.

The Colorado Department of Public Health is requiring everyone in essential businesses to wear masks at work, including grocery stores, banks, child-care and pharmacies.

Most people are doing OK during this new life of hunkering, but many are not.

The following resources may help: • If you know someone who needs government assistance, guide them to PEAK, (www.coloradopeak.secure.force.com) for information about programs and eligibility. Or download the mobile app “mycobenefits” for benefit information.

• Applications for unemployment insurance benefits for independent contractors, self-employed workers and others similarly employed recently opened at www.colorado.gov/pacific/cdle/covid-19/pua. For those who qualify, state benefits are retroactive to Feb. 2, and the federal $600 per week is retroactive to March 29.

• If you are eligible for unemployment benefits, you will soon receive an additional $600 per week because of the CARES Act; receiving it does not require any more action. Visit the Federal Pandemic Unemployment Compensation page online.

Governor Polis has taken the following executive actions: • The business sales tax due date has been moved from April 20 to May 20; • Homeowners can split their property tax payments over April and May; • Companies have been asked to allow deferments for mortgages; • The Colorado State Patrol has been ordered not to use its resources to respond to foreclosures or evictions; • Colorado and federal income taxes do not need to be filed until July 15, without penalty.

Everything changes daily. Sometimes hourly. For regular updates on what Colorado is doing, I always check www.covid 19.colorado.gov. The list is complete and accurate. The longer we keep ourselves safe, the faster our economy will return.

– Rep. Barbara McLachlan, D-Durango

StateNews

Biden accuser needs to step forward To the editor, Men are victimized every day by women. Men, in this new “me too movement,” are now, more than ever, less believed than women. I, personally, have an extensive past where many men did the unforgivable, yet I know of some women that are vicious with a cunningness that can spin an untrue story about anything to sound 100 percent believable.

Please allow the woman accusing presidential candidate Joe Biden of sexual assault, 27 years ago, to prove her case. At this point, supposedly four of the five people she allegedly told this to do not remember ever having this discussion about Joe Biden. One would remember such a conversation that long ago. The one person that said she remembers will not come forward, again supposedly.

Hopefully, everything about this alleged sexual act will be on the table and spelled out, without a doubt, as to what really happened, way before the November election.

– Sally Florence, Durango

COVID: one more reason to skip the meat aisle To the editor, Massive slaughterhouse closures are driving U.S. consumers to plant-based meat products, as sick workers pay the price.

Tyson Foods, JBS USA and Smithfield Foods, the largest meat processors, have closed 17 plants, devastating rural communities and threatening the nation’s meat supply. Production is already down 25 percent. In reaction, U.S. sales of plant-based meats surged by 265 percent, according to consumer data group Nielsen. Shares of Beyond Meat, a prominent plant-based meat brand, rallied by 60 percent.

A Washington Post investigation found that coronavirus outbreaks in more than 48 U.S. meat-packing plants have sickened at least 3,300 workers and killed 17. The companies failed to provide adequate protective gear to the workers and forced some with COVID symptoms to keep working. USA Today reports that more than 150 of the U.S.’s largest plants operate in counties with the highest rate of coronavirus infection.

In addition to the generally accepted consumer health argument for avoiding animal food products, the pandemic has now added the worker health element.

Production of plant-based meats requires much less labor and allows for ample physical distancing.

We can all support the switch to healthy food on our next visit to our supermarket.

– Diego Horvath, Durango

Many state parks for camping this week, including Mancos State Park. All reservations must be made in advance at www.cpwshop.com. In addition to campgrounds, Gov. Polis will consider ski areas and restaurants for re-opening on May 25.

The great re-awakening Polis to consider ski areas, restaurants May 25

by Missy Votel

S

hrouded in unknowns, the timeline for re-opening some businesses in Colorado came into clearer view Tuesday.

At a news conference, Gov. Jared Polis provided an update on the state’s response to COVID-19 and said the state will begin to consider lifting closures on restaurants and ski areas May 25. It will also decide on that day if summer and day camps can open in June. Decisions will be made on a rolling basis, he said, based on infection rates and whether safer-at-home measures appear to be working to stop the spread.

“I’m sharing Colorado’s decision-making timeline and factors because I want to be as transparent as possible as to what the next few weeks will look like,” Polis said.

“We control our own destiny, and our decisions will depend on what the data is telling us about how people are succeeding at wearing masks and staying apart.”

Polis said he expects to have more data on safer-at-home measures, which were instituted May 8, in coming weeks. He pointed out that the May 25 date does not reflect when businesses may or may not open, only when the state expects to have enough information to inform a decision.

“If folks are doing a good job at social distancing, staying at home, and wearing masks or facial coverings when going out, it will show up in the data, and we will excitedly remove additional restrictions,” he said. “If not, some communities could be forced to look at implementing additional temporary restrictions.”

With the decision to open ski resorts for spring skiing, he said the county where the resort is located will have the final say.

In addition to ski areas and restaurants,

telegraph

after June 1, the state expects to phase in openings of other public offerings like summer activities and libraries.

In making the decision on whether a place can re-open safely, a number of criteria will be considered: • Level of suppression of the virus; • Ability to conduct testing and containment; • Risks to vulnerable populations; • Capacity of the health care system to handle a surge; • Risk level vs. societal/economic/psychological benefit; • Sustainability of policy.

In other good news, Polis announced that this week, Coloradans can begin booking campsites at state parks. Campers must observe social distance and sanitation guidelines and will only be allowed by making advance reservations at cpwshop.com. Again, counties will have the last say in whether or not to open campgrounds and campers are encouraged to stay closer to home.

Regionally, Mancos State Park opened for camping May 12, and Navajo and Ridgway state parks will open Fri., May 15.

Also at the conference, Polis acknowledged that the COVID-19 pandemic has disproportionately impacted communities of color in the state, as well as the nation.

In an effort to respond to the needs of all residents, the state is asking people to fill out a survey on their top concerns regarding COVID-19 and racial disparity. To fill out the survey, go to covid19.colorado.gov and click on “COVID-19 in Colorado” and then “health equity response team.” Responses will be anonymous.

For more information, go to Colorado SaferAtHome.com. n May 14, 2020 n 7

CommunityatLarge

The best defense Boost your immune system now to fend off coronavirus later (hint: less beer, more veggies)

P

andemics often bring pandemonium. It is easy to be fearful about coronavirus.

But we already possess the greatest weapon on Earth against it: our amazing body and its powerful immune system.

Once we know how best to support our immune system, pandemonium can play less of a role in our lives. It is important to realize that no matter what drug or vaccine we put into our bodies, it is ultimately our body’s immune system that does the work. There is no fighting anything without our immune system being fully in charge. An effective immune system is always the most important factor in health.

One thing I have learned as a chiropractor and natural health practitioner for over 40 years is that the best thing one can do for any condition is to increase one’s level of health and well-being. Our bodies have an amazing ability to fight off viruses or disease if we implement the things that strengthen our immune system and avoid the things that weaken it. According to the CDC, most people who get sick from coronavirus have mild to moderate symptoms. Most of the people who die from this exposure are already sick.

They are the most vulnerable and are likely already taking numerous prescription drugs.

The average American takes 13 medications.

Their bodies are already seriously compromised. These are important distinctions to understand.

Our body’s ability to resist the agents of disease – such as viruses, bacteria and fungi – is the key to understanding how the immune system works and how we can help it function more effectively. When we are healthy, which includes the health of our gut, our immune systems have the ability to fight off disease from the inside out, and many times we aren’t even aware it.

Our understanding these days has been limited to trying to fight off microorganisms from the outside, using prescription drugs that attempt to provide what the body would if it were working properly. Unfortunately, prescription drugs can have significant to serious side effects, which actually further compromise the ability of our bodies to achieve the desired goal: to get and stay healthy!

Prescription drugs work great in emergency situations, but in most cases, long-term use is not sustainable.

The thymus, which is the master-control endocrine organ for our immune system, has the ability to make the perfect antibody to whatever we get exposed to, including COVID-19. Thus, we want to prepare the thymus for the coming virus before you get exposed!

A study in the peer-reviewed medical journal Vaccine has cautioned people, especially seniors, to avoid the flu shot right now as it creates “virus interference” and actually increases the likelihood of contracting COVID-19.

These principles hold true for any virus or bacteria for that matter. So, things that weaken and strengthen our immune systems should be our major concern.

Things that weaken the immune system: 1) Poor diet – By far the largest part of our immune system, what we put into our gut is crucial. Avoid refined carbohydrates and processed foods like sugar, white rice, refined grains, cereals and breads – basically anything we buy from the supermarket in a bag or a box. These foods create nutritional deficiencies and inflammation in the

8 n May 14, 2020

body. These convenience foods actually bog down the body, compromise gut health and weaken the immune system. Fast food is also in this category. Most city water contains chemicals that negatively affect your thyroid, another endocrine organ. Drink 1/2 your body weight in ounces/day of filtered, spring or RO water.

2) Drugs and alcohol – These weaken and toxify the liver and the body. Limit medications to those that are absolutely essential. Ask your physician to de-prescribe any pharmaceuticals that are not. This is especially true for seniors who are more susceptible to coronavirus. According to the World Health Organization, the average senior takes 18 prescribed medications. This is way too many for the immune system to handle and still work effectively if and when you get exposed.

3) Stress – Weakens the body. Stress can be physical, caused by overworking, overtraining, being out of structural alignment, or being physically out of shape. Stress can also be thermal, by getting too hot or too cold.

Mental stress can often be the result of poor nutrition.

Too many refined foods, too much alcohol, not enough rest, too much screen time or too many toxic drugs, whether prescribed or otherwise, can cause mental stress.

Emotional stress can come from past traumas. Fear, anxiety and anger weaken the immune system. Try to stay clear of these toxic emotions to protect your immune system.

Some people handle stress better than others. Recognize your weaknesses and don’t go past your limitations.

Things that strengthen the immune System: 1) Balanced Diet – Eat a diet of whole foods, just the way they occur in nature. They contain all the synergists that help us digest and utilize our food and contain phytonutrients that strengthen our immune systems. When possible, buy organic. A good rule of thumb is to eat six

telegraph

vegetables, two fruits, one starch and one protein each day. Or, follow the well-publicized guidelines of the Mediterranean Diet. Fermented vegetables also support gut health, as does adding a diverse amount of fiber to your diet. As Hippocrates said, “Let food be thy medicine.”

2) Nutrition - Vitamin C has been used by the Chinese to stem the tide of coronavirus. I recommend taking frequent dosages of a whole-food vitamin C complex, which has all the diverse components of Vitamin C, not just ascorbic acid.

Vitamin D3 taken at two 6000 IU per day also helps the body to fight off infection.

Essential fatty acids such as fish oil and flax seed oil are just that; essential.

Herbs are an integral part of what the Earth has provided us as natural medicines. Use echinacea, goldenseal, astragalus and olive leaf tinctures for this virus; osha, yerba mansa, yerba santa and pleurisy root for breathing problems; and boswellia and turmeric to combat systemic inflammation. These herbs are inexpensive, effective and have no side effects. Many drugs try to copy the healing effects of herbs but may not be as effective.

Minerals such as calcium, potassium, zinc, selenium and trace minerals, available at health food stores, assist the body and immune system to work more effectively.

A whole foods multiple vitamin and mineral is helpful, but additional vitamin C, D3 and essential fatty acids are necessary.

3) Reduce Stress – Physical stress can be reduced by chiropractic adjustments, exercise, breathing exercises, rest, and one of the biggest factors, sleep. Sleep is the elixir for the human body. Seven to eight hours of sleep a night are required for the body to function properly. During sleep, the body works to repair itself. If you can’t sleep, explore taking melatonin, in 5 or 10 mg doses each evening.

Mental stress and fatigue are reduced by morning practices like meditation, yoga, stretching and exercise. Eating a whole foods diet and avoiding too much mental stimulation are also a big help.

Embrace the positive emotions of love, joy and compassion on a daily basis. Practice these positive emotions and watch them spread throughout your immune system and the community.

More than likely, in the next several months, we will all be exposed to COVID-19. The difference maker will be the health of your immune system. If it is healthy, in all likelihood you will resist this virus. You may experience flu type symptoms, but in a short time, if you continue to support your immune system, you will recover. Medicine has no remedy for this virus. Nothing from the outside in is going to rescue us. Yes, social distancing, masks and hand washing are important, but supporting your immune system is vital to resisting this powerful virus.

The fear we are experiencing is understandable, especially when we don’t know what will happen or what to do about it. But as we pull together as a community and a nation, we will see that the power of love and compassion brings out the best part of human beings. If you look closely, it is already starting to happen.

– Jim Forleo, D.C., P.C.

FlashinthePan

Getting off the grass

by Ari LeVaux

I

f you are lucky enough to have some land at your disposal, chances are you have been turning it over in your mind. Stuck at home, with grocery shopping less carefree than ever, it’s no wonder we start eyeing sections of lawn the way a hungry coyote might look at his pet rabbit.

Sure, it’s nice to curl your toes in a little grass once in a while, or whack around a croquet ball. But perhaps you can spare a sunny corner, or four, for a different mission. Nearly 2 percent of the lower 48 states is lawn, while garden space is a small fraction of that.

Lawn conversion can be a grueling project. Or it can be as relaxing as a cup of tea. If you don’t have any lawn or land to look at longingly, I hope that someday you find some. In the meantime, please stay for some carrot aioli.

The hard way to convert a lawn is to dig out the thick sod, shaking the dirt from the hefty roots and tossing them into a pile. You then must dispose of all this plant matter, and the wasted potential it represents. The best thing to do would be compost it, but it will take a while to kill all those roots, and proper composting is hardly a passive piece of work. One way or another, that dug sod is going to make you work some more just to deplete the land’s fertility. And no matter how hard you try to remove every last root, you will still have grass sprouting in your garden.

The easy way to replace a lawn is to cover the gardento-be with a sheet of black plastic. You can then attend to other matters while the lawn beneath hosts a temporary worm conference. Two months later, what had been a typical section of sod is now a sea of soil, about half of which is soft worm poop. It’s weed-free and ready for planting.

The problem with the easy road is you have to wait for results, but at least there is comfort in knowing that your waiting is productive. The problem with the hard road is the lack of waiting. You have to get to work or nothing happens.

Both paths are therapeutic in their own ways, and fortunately we don’t have to choose. We can actively dig

one spot, while elsewhere, tucked under plastic, another piece of earth turns itself.

If you get that plastic on soon, you could have a garden spot by mid-summer, which is perfect for planting a fall garden. Kale, spinach and carrots can grow through

The hardware store should have black plastic, although it might not be in the garden section. You want at least 6 mil (0.006 inch) in thickness. I bought a 10-by-25foot piece the other week for $30.

When you lay down plastic, first rake and mow the spot, scattering the clippings. After the plastic is in place, set heavy objects like bricks, rocks or pieces of wood around the edges to keep the wind from getting under it. Random pieces of furniture work, too, depending on the exterior decor you are going for.

After the lawn is fried and before you plant, consider digging a trench around the edge of the new spot and installing some kind of edging to block the grass roots from re-invading. Pieces of 1-x-6s or even 2-x-4s, buried with the thin edge at ground level, will slow the invasion of the persistent lawn to a manageable pace.

Meanwhile, early spring is the trickiest time to eat seasonally, as there is little new food and last fall’s stash is dwindling. Since carrots and garlic are virtually always in season, here is a recipe for carrot aioli that you can pull together any time of year. You can then use it to pull together any meal.

In this aioli recipe, steamed carrot takes the place of egg. The thick, orange emulsion is tangy with lemon and functions as a megaphone for the garlic. It’s good on bread, chips, pasta or straight off the spoon.

the autumn and even overwinter if you take measures to keep them warm. Beets, radishes, salad turnips and many other short-season cool weather crops can also produce well with a summertime start.

You will have to dig and work the new soil into place, which will be laughably easy compared to the labor of digging green lawn. But before you get started on that new piece of earth, put that plastic in its next location: the future garlic patch.

Garlic needs to be planted sometime in the fall, by about Halloween at the latest. That means if you were to move your plastic in the middle of summer to the future garlic spot, the next piece of lawn would be converted to worm poop right on schedule. When the frost is on the pumpkin and next year’s garlic is in the ground, you can fold up that sheet of plastic and keep it for next year’s adventures in lawn-conversion therapy.

Carrot Aioli Makes 4 large servings 1 pound carrots, trimmed and cut to 3-inch lengths 1 tablespoon chopped garlic 1 teaspoon salt ½ lemon juice and zest 1 cup olive oil Pinch of thyme or oregano Steam the carrots until you can easily thrust a fork through, about 30 minutes. Meanwhile, add the garlic, salt, oil, herbs, lemon juice and zest to a blender and make it silky smooth. Add the carrots, still hot so they cook the garlic a little, and blend until smooth again.

Add more olive oil if necessary to help the blender achieve a nice vortex.

Serve as a condiment, sauce, dressing or main course.

Refrigerate any leftovers. n

$

$#

telegraph

!$ $!" $$

May 14, 2020 n

9

GoodEats

Sniffing out the truth Why making your own dog food isn’t so far-fetched after all

by Donna Hewett

W

e have a 9-year-old Bernese Mountain Dog. That puts him one year past his warranty date. So kinda like Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, what Truman wants, Truman gets.

The trouble is that in our current lockdown, Truman has become over-indulged, if that’s even possible. Being so cossetted and adored during these long days has turned our sweet, easy-going porch dog into a tyrannical beast. So much so that when I discover his favorite treats have disappeared from the shelves of Walmart, panic swoops in. I’m stuck with the dreaded Ol’ Roy tri-flavored kabobs.

As soon as I walk in the door, he senses my anxiety. A worried look crosses his regal face as I unpack the white-trash version of dog chews. I place one before him. He doesn’t even look at it.

“Come on, Tru-Tru, they’re really just the same as the Good ’n’ Funs. Look – it says right here – made with real chicken, chicken liver and duck. All your favorites!”

Several pandemic puppies have arrived in the neighborhood over the recent months. As a result, Truman’s developed a howl. And it’s LOUD. He rolls his head back and let’s it rip – fully sustained. Doleful.

“One in five CHILDREN are going hungry every day,” I tell him. “Times have changed, Truman. You’re being selfish! I shouldn’t even be buying you this shit.”

He gives me a go-to-hell look and disappears into the back bedroom, where of course, he sleeps with me. We’re as close as well, a couple.

He generally gets more attention than my dear husband. And that’s not good. Not good at all.

How did I become so devoted to a big, overbred dog, when technically I’m a cat person?

How did his every little wish become my sweaty command? I suppose it has something to do with his complete and unconditional love.

Mitochondrial DNA research suggests most domesticated dogs have been genetically separate from wolves for at least 100,000 years. And in that time, canines have always shared a special bond with humans. They’ve acted as human alarm systems, trackers, hunting aids, garbage disposals, hot water bottles, children’s guardians and playmates. We give them food and security, and in return, dogs give us tons of affection, which made us feel less alone. It’s been a long-lasting symbiosis. In fact, some say that the success of our species is partly due to help from dogs.

And it must be why I feel such guilt for getting Truman addicted to those trashy treats. Despite their size, Berners can be as finicky as a feline. The expensive kabobs are one of the few things he actually eats. Of course, this is all my fault. Maybe I can find a solution, or at least solace, in the history books, i.e., the internet.

For our primordial pets, hunting, killing and consuming live prey was an option for the able-bodied. Those less proficient (read lazy), scavenged the plains for carcasses, vegetation and eggs. Unlike cats, dogs are omnivorous, meaning that they can literally survive off any kind of garbage they scratch up.

If a hungry canine found an ordinary household to work and dwell in during the Middle Ages (and up until the mid-19th century), little consideration was given to feeding it. A dog’s diet was the same as its owner, eating

10 n May 14, 2020

whatever it could scrounge up, like bare knuckle bones, limp cabbage shreds, rotten potatoes, onions and crusts of bread. The lucky farm dogs in the early 1800s were fed lard and grains to keep them healthy enough to perform their jobs like a professional.

Conversely, the wealthy have always plied their pets with special foods, better than most human diets. Empress Tzu His, of China, fed her Pekingese antelope milk, quail breasts and shark fins.

Dogs of European nobility were fed candy, liquor, roast duck, cake and always a raw chunk of the hunt.

It was the Victorians, however, who saw their own cul-

telegraph

tural values reflected in the dog: both were steadfast, loyal, plucky and courageous. Attitudes changed toward domesticated animals, from the hard school of earn-yourkeep-or-you’ll-be-eaten, to a deeply emotional investment. Queen Victoria herself had a mutt named Sharp.

Moving on to the modern ages, middle class folks with disposable incomes chose dogs and cats as cuddly companions. They viewed their “pets” not only as prime members of the family but luxury items, status symbols.

Because pets were viewed as investments, a trend for more scrutiny of their food hastened “experts” borne out of nowhere, who gave worldly advice on dog diets. The common thinking of the day was that dogs needed to become more “civilized.” A strong preference for cooked meat, as opposed to the sloppy raw stuff, became the norm.

Enter Spratt’s Dog Cakes. Similar to dry tack or ship biscuits, they were made of vegetables, beet root and wheat mixed with beef blood. Sold to English country gentlemen for their sporting dogs, the convenient biscuit was also successfully marketed to urban dog owners in New York. Other companies began to develop their own recipes for biscuits and dry kibble using the nutritional knowledge of the time, thus giving rise to the American pet food industry.

Ken-L-Ration, the first canned dog food on the market, was introduced in 1922. It was made of horse meat, of course, and dogs devoured it. The inventors went to great extent to advertise their product on popular radio shows such as “The Adventures of Rin Tin Tin.” It became so popular that the company started breeding horses just so they could meet consumers’ growing demand. The practice was acceptable until after WWII, when horses became pets, too.

In the 1950s, pet food makers tried to convince dog owners to only feed their pets packaged dog food. Sponsored reports in magazines and newspapers talked about the dangers of feeding dogs table scraps and raw meat.

Their aggressive marketing and advertising changed the course of history.

It wasn’t until 2006 that dog food had to be “complete and balanced.” Which didn’t deter dog food manufacturers from glopping chemical preservatives, artificial color, meat meal, gluten, corn syrup, propylene glycol, etc., into their product. The new malady for pet owners today is the quest for the perfect list of ingredients while paying through the nose for them.

Enter Australian vet and author Ian Billinghurst. In his 1993 book, Give Your Dog a Bone, he coined the acronym “BARF” (bones and raw food, or biologically appropriate raw food). The term was predicated on the belief that adult dogs thrive on an “evolutionary” diet based on what canines ate before they became domesticated. 4

This diet typically consists of muscle meat, often still on the bone; organ meats such as liver and kidney; (cooked) vegetables like broccoli, spinach and celery; fruit; and yogurt.

The results? Supposedly smaller stools, more energy, shinier coats and better breath. The risks? If you don’t clean up the raw food remains properly (duh) bacteria could spread. And the diet may not provide enough vitamins and minerals.

At this time of the Holocene, when dogs wear undies and go for stroller walks, a raw food diet can actually be thought of as controversial, or better yet, the ultimate in pet pampering. It’s a diet that conveniently matches our own Keto lifestyle. (If you don’t have the stomach to butcher meat yourself, you can, of course, buy it on Amazon.)

I decide to try it on Truman. On impulse, I mix a few spoonfuls of raw hamburger into his kibble and carefully place the dish before him. He stares up at the me with repulsion. A full-blown COVID-19 induced doggy depression has settled in. His eyes cry: Why are you guys here all the effing time, and I still don’t get what I want?

I wring my poor, over-sanitized hands. What to do? As always, and as convenient of softened butter, I scrap the raw idea and Google homemade pet food. Making homemade pet food doesn’t fit everyone’s lifestyle, but these days it could. I give it a go: ground turkey, eggs, cooked rice, plus a carrot and one apple (diced), hand blended, put in a greased muffin tin and baked 30 minutes. I leave the doggie muffins to cool on the stove. The good smell brings Truman trotting out of hiding. His tail is wagging!

He gobbles one down, then three more. Good boy!

As we happily prepare for a walk, I notice my husband in the kitchen polishing off one of the dog cakes.

“You’re eating dog food,” I holler at him.

He calmly wipes his lips on a valued paper towel.

“That I cooked for Truman,” I continue.

“Oh. That explains why these taste like they came

Although ubiquitous in American culture, manufactured dog food is a relatively new phenomenon in domesticated dogs’ 100,000 year history. The first to come along was Spratt’s in the early 1900s, followed

by Ken-L-Ration in 1922. The first Ken-L-Ration was made with horse meat, a fact that was openly – and perhaps regrettably – touted. from a three-star establishment. What’s for my dinner?”

I wring my hands.

“Do you mind the pepperoni pizza tots again?” n

telegraph

May 14, 2020 n 11

AskRachel Interesting fact: Time called “Wiggle Wiggle” the worst Dylan song: it “sounds like the theme song to one of those tripped-out television shows beloved by toddlers and drug users.” I liked the song before I even heard it.

Dear Rachel, Since Bob Dylan won that Nobel Prize, I decided I should give that nasally icon a real try.

All I ever knew was like “Blowing in the Wind” and that one about everybody getting stoned.

Turns out… I wasn’t missing much. Like that gem called “Wiggle Wiggle.” This guy wins the highest prize for literature in the world? I mean, sure, he defined an era. But Hemingway never wrote a turd like that. What am I missing?

– North Country Unfair Dear Love Sick, Do you mean the song that goes something like, “Wiggle wiggle wiggle like a bowl of soup / Wiggle wiggle wiggle like a rolling hoop” and “Wiggle to the front, wiggle to the rear / Wiggle till you wiggle right out of here?” The lyrics might sound simple, but you’re just jealous that you didn’t write it first. And who are you to question the establishment? I mean, Dylan never did, and look where it got him.

– Wiggle like a pail of milk, Rachel Dear Rachel, I am trying to get a replacement oven range from a certain local big-box hardware store since my current one stopped working. It’s still in its infancy and covered in every way. They tell me the factories are backed up from being closed. Fair enough. But they tell me they’ll de-

liver a range they have in stock, then don’t show. The sales rep claims to have no memory of our conversations. I’m pissed, and I’m tired of eating cold cereal and tortilla chips. Any ideas how to handle the faceless corporate beast?

– Unserviced Customer Dear Important Guest, Don’t you have a camping stove? Set that bad boy up outside the back door and heat yourself some beans and eggs. Maybe even a hot dog. My dad always managed to make gourmet meals while we were camping. Things like spaghetti Bolognese. That really takes you back to the idea of roughing it. I’m a simple girl, though. Hot chocolate is as fancy as I get on the ol’ Coleman. Get back to nature and forget all about that orange store, because they’ve already forgotten about you.

– Please hold, Rachel Dear Rachel, All these Zoom interviews taking place in front of famous people’s bookshelves have got me contemplating my own living room shelves.

Used to be I just had random books. But now I wonder if those Batman anthologies should be relegated to the bedroom and, I don’t know, a leather bound set of the works of Tolstoy and poetry collections from small presses should grace my public living room-slash-video call office. Any recommendations?

– Top Shelf Dear Bookworm, Anyone with any wisp of intellectualism has a copy of Stephen Hawking’s Brief History of Time in prominent

QuarantineActivityPage Help Durango Dude escape the murder hornets Uh oh! Durango Dude was on his way to the store when he was ambushed by a swarm of vicious murder hornets. Help him find his way through the back alleys of Durango to City Market before he swells up like a balloon. And hurry – the hornets are closing in and the T.P. is going fast!

12 n May 14, 2020

telegraph

Email Rachel at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com view. No one has actually read it – but it’s there. Same with all the big-name Russian novels. I say, go for the back catalogues of otherwise well-respected authors and poets and musicians. No one is impressed by that copy of Essential Bob Dylan. But if you can quote every verse to “Wiggle Wiggle”… .

– Dog-eared and well-read, Rachel

FreeWillAstrology

by Rob Brezsny ARIES (March 21-April 19): During a pandemic, is it possible to spread the news about your talents and offerings? Yes! That’s why I suggest you make sure that everyone who should know about you does indeed know about you. To mobilize your efforts and stimulate your imagination, I came up with colorful titles for you to use to describe yourself on your résumé or in promotional materials or during conversations with potential helpers. 1. Fire-Maker 2. Seed-Sower 3. Brisk Instigator 4. Hope Fiend 5. Gap Leaper 6. Fertility Aficionado 7. Gleam Finder 8. Launch Catalyst 9. Chief Improviser 10. Change Artist TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Of all the signs, Tauruses are among the least likely to be egomaniacs. Most of you aren’t inclined to indulge in fits of braggadocio or outbreaks of narcissism. (I just heard one of my favorite virtuoso Taurus singers say she wasn’t a very good singer!) That’s why one of my secret agendas is to tell you how gorgeous you are, to nudge you to cultivate the confidence and pride you deserve to have. Are you ready to leap to a higher octave of self-love? I think so. In the coming weeks, please use Taurus artist Salvador Dali’s boast as your motto: “There comes a moment in every person’s life when they realize they adore me.”

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): When I was young, I had a fun-filled fling with a smart Gemini woman who years later became a highly praised author and the authorized biographer of a Nobel Prize-winning writer. Do I regret our break-up? Am I sorry I never got to enjoy her remarkable success up close? No. As amazing as she was and is, we wouldn’t have been right for each other long term. I am content with the brief magic we created together and have always kept her in my fond thoughts with gratitude and the wish for her to thrive. Now I invite you to do something comparable to what I just did, Gemini: Make peace with your past.

Send blessings to the people who helped make you who you are. Celebrate what has actually happened in your life, and graduate forever from what might have happened but didn’t.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): “You have two ways to live your life, from memory or from inspiration,” teacher Joe Vitale wrote. Many of you Cancerians favor memory over inspiration to provide their primary motivation.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing, although it can be a problem if you become so obsessed with memory that you distract yourself from creating new developments in your life story. But in accordance with astrological potentials and the exigencies

of our Global Healing Crisis, I urge you, in the coming weeks, to mobilize yourself through a balance of memory and inspiration. I suspect you’ll be getting rich opportunities to both rework the past and dream up a future full of interesting novelty. In fact, those two imperatives will serve each other well.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Author Anne Lamott has some crucial advice for you to heed in the coming weeks. “Even when we’re most sure that love can’t conquer all,” she says, “it seems to anyway. It goes down into the rat hole with us, in the guise of our friends, and there it swells and comforts. It gives us second winds, third winds, hundredth winds.” I hope you’ll wield this truth as your secret magic in the coming weeks, Leo. Regard love not just as a sweet emotion that makes you feel good, but as a superpower that can accomplish practical miracles.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Theologian St. Catherine of Siena observed, “To a brave person, good and bad luck are like her left and right hand.

She uses both.” The funny thing is, Virgo, that in the past you have sometimes been more adept and proactive in using your bad luck, and less skillful at capitalizing on your good luck. But from what I can tell, this curious problem has been diminishing for you in 2020 – and will continue to do so. I expect that in the coming weeks, you will welcome and harness your good luck with brisk artistry.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “I’m curious about everything, except what people have to say about me,” actor Sarah Jessica Parker says. I think that’s an excellent strategy for you to adopt in the coming weeks. On the one hand, the whole world will be exceptionally interesting, and your ability to learn valuable lessons and acquire useful information will be at peak. On the other hand, one of the keys to getting the most out of the wealth of catalytic influences will be to cultivate nonchalance about people’s opinions of you.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): On the kids’ TV show “Sesame Street,” there’s a character named Count von Count. He’s a friendly vampire who loves to count things. He is 6.5 million years old and his favorite number is 34,969 – the square root of 187. The Count was “born” on Nov. 13, 1972, when he made his first appearance on the show, which means he’s a Scorpio. I propose we make him your patron saint for the next four weeks. It’s an excellent time to transform any threatening qualities you might seem to have into harmless and cordial forms of expression.

It’s also a favorable phase for you to count your blessings and make plans that will contribute to your longevity.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22Dec. 21): “No one ever found wisdom without also being a fool,” novelist Erica Jong writes. “Until you’re ready to look foolish, you’ll never have the possibility of being great,” singer Cher says.

“He dares to be a fool, and that is the first step in the direction of wisdom,” art critic James Huneker declares. “Almost all new ideas have a certain aspect of foolishness when they are first produced,” philosopher Alfred North Whitehead observes.

According to my analysis of astrological omens, you’re primed to prove these theories, Sagittarius. Congratulations!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “Few people have a treasure,” Nobel Prize-winning author Alice Munro writes. She’s speaking metaphorically, of course – not referring to a strongbox full of gold and jewels. But I’m happy to inform you that if you don’t have a treasure, the coming months will be a favorable time to find or create it. So I’m putting you on a high alert for treasure. I urge you to be receptive to and hungry for it. And if you are one of those rare lucky ones who already has a treasure, I’m happy to say that you now have the power and motivation to appreciate it even more and learn how to make even better use of it. Whether you do or don’t yet have the treasure, heed these further words from Alice Munro: “You must hang onto it. You must not let yourself be waylaid, and have it taken from you.”

!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): At this moment, there are 50 trillion cells in your body, and each of them is a sentient being in its own right. They act together as a community, consecrating you with their astonishing collaboration. It’s like magic! Here’s an amazing fact: Just as you communicate with dogs and cats and other animals, you can engage in dialogs with your cells. The coming weeks will be a ripe time to explore this phenomenon. Is there anything you’d like to say to the tiny creatures living in your stomach or lungs? Any information you’d love to receive from your heart or your sex organs? If you have trouble believing this is a real possibility, imagine and pretend. And have fun!

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “A myriad of modest delights constitute happiness,” poet Charles Baudelaire wrote. I think that definition will serve you well in the coming weeks, Pisces. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, there won’t be spectacular breakthroughs barging into your life; I expect no sublime epiphanies or radiant transformations. On the other hand, there’ll be a steady stream of small marvels if you’re receptive to such a possibility. Here’s key advice: Don’t miss the small wonders because you’re expecting and wishing for bigger splashes.

telegraph

May 14, 2020 n 13

EndoftheLine

What – it turns out – is actually wrong with me

T

he question left unanswered for most of my life has been, “What is wrong with you?” often with an expletive in the middle.

(Which is the underlying message in all its thuggish cousins, “That’s a dumb idea, you’re stupid, you’re worthless,” etc. etc.) At first, I thought there was nothing wrong with me. I was very young, I am looking up at a glowering adult, showering profanity, anger and spittle upon a defenseless child.

Wrong with me? More likely, I thought, there’s something wrong with you. But as the grownups, and not-so grownups, and other authority figures – usually red-faced and highly agitated – kept yelling it at me, my self esteem began to erode. I decided maybe there was something wrong with me. Now, a lifetime later, I think I’m getting a handle on it. No wonder I turned out this way. Just yesterday I saw an ad for a health club that warned should I not join, I would never recapture my awesome. So that’s why I haven’t been feeling well, my awesome is low? Could that have contributed to my lifelong problem? I would love to recapture even part of my awesome.

Trouble is, the health club is in Miami. I’m in Colorado. Maybe worldwide advertising needs to tweak their own awesome. Nevertheless, it got me thinking. How long has it been since I had good awesome? Could I overdo it and recapture too much awesome? Or is it like testosterone replacement? A lot of glowing promises but not much difference in performance.

Obviously, I needed answers.

My well-meaning friend, when asked the burning question of awesome, told me solemnly, “John, you need to own your truth.” She had to be kidding. I can barely afford to rent my truth, and even then, only an efficiency truth. Sky-rocketing prices in the truth market have driven owning your truth out of the range of most people. I think this may be one of the problems in today’s society. Too few people own their own truth. Most are renting their truth and slipping further and further into debt. Owing a fortune on truth has become commonplace. So has substandard truth or no truth at all. This is no joke.

#

!

14 n May 14, 2020

%

Narrative used to be a pretentious way of saying “story” or a less pretentious way of saying “recounting of continuous events.” Now I’m not sure what it means. Perhaps this is more evidence of what is wrong with me, I don’t speak the language. How do fatalists control their narrative? Is it just an illusion of control, the outcome having actually been predestined? What about free will? Is every turn in our narrative meaningful to the final outcome? Are we frighteningly responsible for our own actions? Does the free will narrative more favor Descartes or Kant?

What if I throw narrative control under the figurative bus? Is that what happened to “The Godfather Part III?” I’m getting a headache here.

So what is wrong with me? Damned if I know.

Maybe it’s a translation problem. Maybe recapture your awesome is newspeak for self-esteem. Maybe own your truth is self-help for recognize and be responsible for your own actions. Maybe control your

!

#! !$

" " "

It is a sad commentary on our times. Truth seems out of reach for most people. The greater question is, why do those who clearly can afford a huge truth, a truth with an entrance hall and a grand staircase, who, if they wanted, could afford a whole bunch of truths, why do these people seem the least likely to own any truth at all?

I asked my other friend, (yes, just two). He said, “John, you need to control your own narrative.”

!

!$

!

!

!

%

%

#

!

$

telegraph

narrative is dumbing down-speak for “life is the result of decisions you make.” Act on your life; don’t react to others’ view of it. Is this their meaning?

Then why don’t they just say so?

I was yelled at a lot growing up, too much. But I also learned important lessons from kind, concerned adults. Don’t hurt others, don’t be selfish, don’t judge. Tell the truth, be responsible, help out.

You are a good and worthy person. Give to others, give time, money, attention, love.

My mother would say, “I love you, John, but sometimes I don’t love the things that you do.” The lesson there is profound. It is not, “What is wrong with you?” it is, “Why did you do that?” So why can’t people say this instead of jumping on the next buzz word to come down the linguistic pike?

The lessons instilled in me have worked for centuries. Dressing them up in some gibberish de jour seems to be the fashion. Is it working? Does society seem more or less honorable, respectful, responsible than it did a generation or two ago? People want to sound current, they want to sound woke. (Yech.) But lost in translation is not just a phrase.

The next time I am asked, “What is wrong with you?” I have the answer. “I’ve often wondered the same thing and here is my conclusion. Though damaging a child’s self-esteem is easy and can last a lifetime, it need not be a permanent scar. There are many ways to repair and rebuild your self-esteem. The tools are embedded in our society. They’re in schools, in houses of worship. They’re in service organizations and in therapy. Use them. Try to find people who understand them and know how to use them.

Avoid those whose own self-esteem is wrecked and who find solace only in trying to destroy others.’

We are all damaged to some extent, but it is not a permanent condition. We can all be healed. But you have to do it. It is your responsibility, like all the decisions you make.”

And if that doesn’t work, I’ll say, “I am owning the truth of my own awesome narrative.” If that don’t shut ’em up, nothing will.

– john van becay

classifieds

Deadline for Telegraph classified ads is Tuesday at noon.

Ads are a bargain at 10 cents a character with a $5 minimum. Prepayment is required via cash, card or check.

Ads can be submitted via: n www.duranogtelegraph.com nclassifieds@duranogtele graph.com Announcements

Need a Medical Marijuana Card?

Durango’s Family Health Care, a total family medical care office, is now offering medical marijuana cards to those that qualify. Walk-in OK, no appointment needed. $100 fee. We are at 29423 HWY 160. More info at Durangofhc.com.

NewspaperOrigami A bear

Lowest Prices on Storage!

Inside/outside storage near Durango and Bayfield. 10-x-20, $130. Outside spots: $65, with discounts available. RJ Mini Storage. 970-259-3494.

Harmony Organizing and Cleaning Services Home and office 970-403-6192.

Marketing Small and Local Businesses Media, social media, website content, SEO, etc. for small, local, independent or startup businesses. Email jnderge@ gmail.com.

Himalayan Kitchen 992 Main Ave., 970-259-0956, www.himkitchen.com. Bringing you a taste of Nepal, Tibet & India. The dinner menu offers a variety of tempting choices, including yak, lamb, chicken, beef & seafood; extensive veggies; freshly baked bread. Full bar. Get your lunch punch card – 10th lunch free. Hours: 11 a.m. - 9 p.m. Tues. - Sun., closed Mon. The Perfect Gift for your favorite dirtbag. Literature from Durango’s own Benighted Publications. The Desert, The Climbing Zine, The Great American Dirtbags, American Climber, Climbing Out of Bed and Graduating From College Me are available at: Maria’s Bookshop, Pine Needle Mountaineering, the Sky Store, or on the interweb at www.climbingzine.com.

Wanted Cash for Vehicles, Copper, Alum, Etc. at RJ Metal Recycle. Also free appliance and other metal drop off. 970-259-3494.

Services Bookkeeping Services 1099s, bank & credit card reconciliations, payroll, sales tax, HR, sales & marketing, problem solving & support.

505-508-9133 cowaterfalls39@gmail.com Landscape/Fencing Construction Custom fencing, garden beds, trellis, pergolas, gates, decks and more. Repairs and maintenance on all outdoor structures. Outbuildings, reclaimed wood and metal siding. 970-799-4503.

RSE Handyman Services Home maintenance & repair, yard work, odd jobs, mechanical repairs 970.903-0449

Advanced Duct Cleaning Air duct cleaning specializing in dryer vents. Improves indoor air quality; reduces dust and allergens, energy bills and fire risk. 970-247-2462 www.advanced ductcleaninginc.com.

ForSale Reruns Home Furnishings New arrivals: plant stands, bistros, side tables, cool stained-glass peacock lamp, foo dog statues, awesome rugs, glassware and linens. Cool vintage dishes – Pyrex & Fiestaware. 572 E. 6th Ave. by appointment: 385-7336.

When words don’t do justice.

RealEstate Radon Services Free radon testing and consultation.

Call Colorado Radon Abatement and Detection for details. 970- 946-1618.

RoommateWanted Housemate Wanted Male to share great in-town home with other guys. Clean, quiet, responsible. No smokers, pets, partiers, drugs. $550/mo. incld. utils., dep. 970-759-0551.

ForRent Affordable Housing Homes for sale, less than $20K. Homes for rent, less than $800/mo. Mobile home sites, $285/mo + W/S. Clean, safe, family friendly community in Aztec, NM. Only 45 min from Durango. 505-334-7100 sunsetvillagemhc.com. We can help you move your home!

HaikuMovieReview

Add a color photo to your Telegraph classified ad for just $10/week.

(Just like Craigslist ... but a lot less creepy.)

To place your ad, go to www.durangotelegraph.com or email classifieds@durangotelegraph.com

‘The Kitchen’ Based on a comic book series but comes off more like a comic strip – Lainie Maxson

telegraph

May 14, 2020 n 15

&

*

($ )"%'( &'

&

+ +

&

+ +

&

+ +

&

+ +

. $!!

)"%'( &

.

$

! * &,

.

$

)%

)& # $ $&( -

#( !

, ! # $ $' %& # '

Durango Trash

16 n May 14, 2020

telegraph