Durango Telegraph Aug. 20, 2020

Durango’s best balancing act

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FREE Aug. 20, 2020

Vol. XIX, No. 30 durangotelegraph.com

inside

T H E

O R I G I N A L

I N D I E

W E E K L Y

L I N E

O N

D U R A N G O

&

B E Y O N D

Fight for the right

Return of the Yocal

Riding the wave

The epic and oft untold battle for the 19th amendment p8

Finding solace in tourist season (& a pandemic) p11-14

25 years at the helm of one of Durango’s OG board shops p15

Sure to float your boat.

Issue 13 is out now!

Wherever you find the Telegraph or at www.gulchmag.com.

To find out about advertising opportunities, email: steve@gulchmag.com

2 n Aug. 20, 2020

telegraph

lineup

8

4 La Vida Local

Suffragette city

Things you may not know about the epic battle for womens rights

4 Thumbin’ It

by Ann Butler

Gaitergate 5 Word on the Street

10

6-7 Soapbox

Fires just the latest in Polis’ terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year

8 Local News

Coming in threes

by John Daley, Colorado Public Radio

10 State News

11-14

11 The Yocal

The Yocal’s back!

17 Flash in the Pan

A local’s guide to finding solace in tourist season (& a pandemic)

18-19 Stuff to Do

15

20 Ask Rachel

Jib on

21 Free Will Astrology

Celebrating 25 years at the helm of one of Durango’s OG board shops

by Missy Votel

22 Classifieds 22 Haiku Movie Review

17

On the Cover Smoke makes for ominous skies and a blazing orange sun as a slackliner makes his way across the Horse Gulch road on Wednesday morning./ Photo by Missy Votel

Just add cheese When done right, eggplant can be a delicious take on the average hoagie

boilerplate

by Ari LeVaux

EDITORIALISTA: Missy Votel (missy@durangotelegraph.com)

STAR-STUDDED CAST: Lainie Maxson, Clint Reid, Ann Butler, Jesse Anderson, Zach Hively, Ari LeVaux and Shan Wells

ADVERTISING AFICIONADO: Lainie Maxson (lainie@durangotelegraph.com)

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MAILING ADDRESS: P.O. Box 332 Durango, CO 81302 PHONE: 970.259.0133

T

he Durango Telegraph publishes every Thursday, come hell, high water, beckoning singletrack or monster powder days. We are wholly owned and operated independently by the Durango Telegraph LLC and

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We’re only human. If, by chance, we defame someone’s good name or that of their family, neighbor, best

friend or dog, we will accept full responsibility in a public flogging in the following week’s issue.

Although “free but not easy,” we can be plied with schwag, booze and flattery.

telegraph

thepole

RegularOccurrences

Wait! Don’t throw away that neck gaiter just yet. Like most everything in the whirlwind world of COVID research, new findings debunk that Buffs are bogus when it comes to fighting off coronavirus.

Last week, the Washington Post published a report from Duke University that found Buffs and similar fabric tubes did nothing to stop the spread of germs, and in fact made thing worse by splicing big droplets into tinier ones.

But that was so last week. This week, aerosol researchers agree the Buff claims are bunk, saying they can protect just as well as other cloth masks.

A number of variables could explain the unusual results in the Duke study, such as the volume of the mask wearer’s voice and whether it had become moist. (Warning: “moist” is the first in the squirm-worthy terminology.)

“The statistics of one don’t tell you very much,” Richard C. Flagan, an aerosol scientist at California Institute of Technology told the New York Times. “Did he have more mucus on his vocal cords? What might have caused the difference? You really don’t know from a single test.”

Experts also dispute the droplet magnification theory. “The fabrics are not acting as a sharp sieve,” Linsey Marr, a professor at Virginia Tech and one of the world’s leading authorities on aerosols, told the Times. “That’s not how filtration works.”

To prove her point, Marr conducted her own research, testing gaiters worn on Styrofoam heads (think wig salon) to better simulate a realworld situation. Two types of gaiters were tested: a single-layer made of 100 percent polyester, and a two-layer gaiter, made with 87 percent polyester and 13 percent Lycra. Researchers used a salt solution and nebulizer to simulate saliva and expelled particles via a tube through the mouth and nose of the foam head. They then measured the quantity and size of the droplets that were able to sneak through masks.

Both gaiters prevented 100 percent of large droplets and 50 percent of medium droplets from splattering another foam head about a foot away.

The single layer blocked only 10 percent of small particles, while the two-layer blocked 20 percent.

Notably, when the single-layer gaiter was doubled, it blocked more than 90 percent of all particles. By comparison, a homemade cotton T-shirt blocked about 40 percent of the smallest particles.

To further cloud the air, the Virginia Tech study showed while some homemade masks performed better than the gaiters, some fared worse.

The one universal takeaway: when it comes to any fabric mask, two layers are better than one, and snug-fitting masks with no gaps are best.

And any face covering, combined with social distancing, offers adequate protection for the average person against spreading or contracting the coronavirus.

For their part, the Duke authors said their data had been misconstrued. “Our intent was not to say this mask doesn’t work, or never use neck gaiters,” Martin Fischer, an associate research professor in the department of chemistry at Duke and a co-author of the study, told the Times. “This was not the main part of the paper.”

Aug. 20, 2020 n

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opinion

LaVidaLocal SUP dudes I have wanted to take my father paddleboarding for approximately six and a quarter years now. That’s longer ago than my first paddleboard ride.

Before I even tried it myself, I wanted to take him with me. That’s how much I knew, with absolute certainty, that he would like it, probably.

But – I acknowledge that I am the same son who gave up a real, honest and, most importantly, paid college internship, at hourly rates I have yet to sniff again, to major in both English AND philosophy. It’s taken me more than a decade to prove to Pops that my degree is as edible as any degree in the hard sciences. We can forgive him for ignoring my recommendations.

It was also possible he just wasn’t interested in paddleboarding. I thought that sounded reasonable. Until one day this summer he called and said, “Hey, your little sister in Oregon went paddleboarding. I think it sounds cool.

Want to try it?”

It took me a while to answer. But once I finished fanning the smoke alarms and opening windows to clear the steam billowing from my ears, I said, “Bring it on, dude.”

Pops expressed amazement that I already owned a paddleboard, no matter how low-end and no matter how many other things I could have therapy-purchased during a global pandemic. So he rented his own stand-up from his local paddleboard provisioner, strapped it to the top of his vehicle, and promptly pulled off the highway 11 different times between his house and mine to check the straps.

“You know,” I said, “inflatable boards are also deflatable boards that fit inside the car.” But – I acknowledge that he is retired, whereas I lack a functioning retirement fund. We can forgive him for pretending not to hear me.

Just this once.

We drove together to the lake that afternoon. I held my deflated paddleboard on my lap, because the half-flaccid board tied to the roof rack blocked the hatch. Dark clouds lurked on the horizon: the kind you avoid making eye contact with, because if you don’t challenge them maybe they won’t ruin your day. We pulled up to the parking lot. The wind chopped the water on the lake, but Pops had driven hours to my place just to try out

this newfangled outdoor activity with me. He would not back down from the daunting waves, or clouds waiting to pick a fight, or what turned out to be a busted paddleboard pump.

He could still put air in the board, but the gauge was kaput. My pump fitting didn’t match up right, so he had to guess the air pressure, like squeezing a bike tire. Which would totally be the same thing, if bikes rode on water.

“Feels great,” he said. “Let’s go.”

Our standards certainly change with time. Let’s just say, at my age, I’m not satisfied with a paddleboard as flippantly floppy as his was, waggling willy-nilly in the breeze.

The waves looked much bigger once we got our feet wet. Pops squeezed his board again, nudged it, looked back at all the people camped out for the day along the shore. “What do you think, dude?” he asked. “You alright with this weather?”

“Feels great,” I said. “Let’s go.”

I walked my board into the water and jumped on. Right away, I felt like that guy in The Old Man and the Sea, battling the elements for mere survival.

I looked back at Pops. He was sitting on his board, which bent in the middle like a pool noodle.

“How’s your board feel?” I hollered.

“A little flimsy,” he shouted back. He looked back again to everyone on shore, clearly certain they were all watching him. I was more clearly certain they were watching his white socks in water sandals. But – why say anything?

I turned around and retrieved the pump from the car. We inflated the board to balance out his punctured ego and then gave it another go. Fifteen, maybe 20 minutes later, after I reminded him it’s a stand-up paddleboard and not a sit-down paddleboard and he fell into the water and got back on again, we finally cut through the waves to where the water was deeper than our height.

“You’re kicking ass!” I shouted over the gale. “That’s not a beginner board. This wind is bananas. You gotta come back sometime when the water’s calm. It’s so relaxing!”

“Whatever, dude,” he said. But he heard me. And he was beaming.

– Zach Hively

This Week’s Sign of the Downfall:

Thumbin’It Good news in the quest for herd immunity and turning back the coronavirus, with researchers recently revising downward the percentage of infection needed from 70 percent to 50 percent, or maybe even less Last Friday’s Black Lives Matter rally and counterprotest remaining peaceful, despite online threats to the contrary and blatant attempts at intimidation Trump rescinding his decision to appoint William Pendley, a vocal climate change-denier, to head the Bureau of Land Management

4 n Aug. 20, 2020

Several fires burning across the West, including three monster ones along the I-70 corridor and nuclear-winterlike skies over Southwest Colorado More assaults on the environment by the Trump administration, which gutted Obama era methane rules and opened the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to drilling – both despite a glut in oil and gas production The heart-breaking drowning last week of longtime local Andy Ward, whose empty canoe was found washed up on the shores of Lake Nighthorse

telegraph

ICUP Everyone knows the Japanese are winning the toilet race: ours haven’t changed for nearly 100 years while theirs have built-in water jets and heated dryers. But they’ve just won the race, because now, they’ve started installing public toilets with transparent walls in their parks (don’t worry, the walls turn opaque electronically once you lock the door). Now, Japanese passersby can tell if the public bathroom they’re about to use is occupied or dirty without opening the door, meaning that when it comes to public restrooms, America is No. 2.

WordontheScreen

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Aug. 20, 2020 n

5

SoapBox

ReTooned/by Shan Wells

Marsha a stable voice of reason To the editor, As a nurse, I can’t think of a more important skill than listening. Marsha Porter-Norton has that skill in spades.

Marsha has demonstrated the skill to listen and then distill the important wishes and needs of a group into a workable focus of common goals and action. I met Marsha during in the early 2000s, a time when basic health care for seniors, families and kids was sorely lacking in our county. The provider out of Alamosa, Valley Wide, had suddenly pulled out of La Plata County leaving many with no provider and no access to essential/ basic health care.

Our group, the Community Health Action Coalition, worked very hard to get these services back. I am happy to report there are now many options for everyone. Marsha has always been one of the calmest voices at the table. Since then, I have seen her as the facilitator at many meetings when the topic was contentious. Again, she remained the steady, even voice that sought out opinions and needs, but kept order and focus on problem-solving.

Can you think of a skill we need more in these polarized days? I’m voting for Marsha! I hope everyone will look into her work and volunteer history and see the skills and experiences she would bring to the table. She is for healthy communities and a strong, vibrant economy.

You can find out more at: www.MarshaPorterNorton.com. The election is Nov. 3.

– Lynne Murison, Durango

The slippery slope of autocracy To the editor, Suppose you had polled all the Republican members of the Senate four years ago and asked this question: “Imagine that in 2020 a pandemic would make mail-in voting much

safer. Would you support a president, whether a Democrat or a Republican, who, fearing that he or she would not be re-elected, directed the postmaster general that he or she

had appointed to impede mail delivery service to a degree that a great many mail-in ballots would not be received by election day, thereby delegitimizing the election?” 4

Is your family a royal pain in the arse?

Time to buy your own palace with Tina Miely.

6 n Aug. 20, 2020

telegraph

I am sure that very few would have answered “Yes.” Yet now, when this is exactly what is happening, not one Republican senator has withdrawn support from Trump.

The whole lot of them have slid down the slippery slope of accommodating an aspiring autocrat who is betraying his office and betraying our country in the plain light of day. The whole lot of them should be turned out of office.

That includes you too, Cory Gardner, despite all the cheery emails you’ve sent me saying what a great job you’re doing.

– Edward Packard, Durango

More than a ‘D’ behind her name To the editor, I endorse Marsha Porter-Norton for La Plata County commissioner because she is a known, trusted entity, not because she has a “D” behind her name. A letter to the editor in the Telegraph, Aug. 13, written by her opponent, John Jack Turner, alluded that Marsha herself didn’t earn endorsements but got them because of party affiliation. Upon her announcement early last year, unsolicited endorsements poured in from individuals who have worked with her and know her track record in the realm of intricate, diverse county issues. Elected officials, who know the job, endorse her because they know, first-hand, what is needed.

Marsha is extraordinarily prepared and already visioning for La Plata as evidenced by her platform of substance.

Thanks to candidate Turner for bringing to press those endorsements for Marsha from prominent citizens as well as clarifying the difference between himself and LPEA Director Jack D. Turner. The last thing we need in this tumultuous, threatened election is confusion about who is running and who is not.

During a Chamber of Commerce interview, candidate Turner described himself as wanting to be an “unpredictable” commissioner. We don’t need more unpredictability in leadership in the midst of the turmoil of our already-unpredictable lives.

Marsha has integrity in abundance, steady leadership and deep familiarity with La Plata County. To top it off, she has a positive, compassionate temperament that lends itself to collaborative, educated attention to the gamut of constituents, not just those with “D” behind their name.

– Kathleen Adams, Durango

Laying plans to cancel election To the editor, Our so-called president continues to “fix” the federal government. His current target is the Post Office.

I just called to renew a prescription that I’ve been getting by mail. I was advised that with Trump’s new Postal Service, it could take up to two weeks from within Colorado! Or for an extra $10, I could have it sent UPS Ground to get it when I need it.

And if like me, you still receive and pay bills by snail mail, the bill might arrive too late to risk sending the payment back the same way. You might get hit with a $5 or

StandingTall: Speakers at last Friday’s Black Lives Matter rally at Buckley Park talk to a crowd of more than 300 about their experiences being Black in white America while about 60 anti-BLM protesters gather across the street. Despite fears the event could turn ugly, things were mostly peaceful other than intermittent chanting and engine revving from the protesters./Photo by Missy Votel $10 penalty if your payment arrives late. Apparently some people still get their Social Security checks by snail mail.

Trump gives new meaning to the term snail mail. It’s what we get when he installs yet another department head (Louis DeJoy) whose only qualification is loyalty to Trump and/or being a big campaign donor. The Deep State, Trump style.

Trump makes it clear that this Postal Service assault is part of his war on people being able to vote by mail in November, as we have been doing in Colorado for years with no problems. National Public Radio reports processing equipment is being removed from post offices under Trump’s new guy and staff are forbidden from working overtime to get all the day’s mail out.

In states they control, Trumpublicans do everything they can, by various means, to make it harder for people to vote, especially low income and people of color. Elections are run by the states through the county election officials. Trumpublicans are trying to interfere with that in states that are reducing obstacles to mail voting or that want to install secure ballot drop boxes, like we have here, as an alternative to hoping a mailed ballot arrives in time, or to risking COVID by voting in person.

telegraph

With their help, Trump is sabotaging a foundational American institution that many people depend on because he thinks it can aid his re-election effort.

And he keeps claiming with zero documentation that voting by mail will bring massive voter fraud, the same claim he made about his national vote loss in 2016 where there never was any evidence. He seems to be laying the groundwork to try to cancel election results when he loses.

– Carole McWilliams, Bayfield

“We’ll print damned-near anything” The Telegraph prides itself on a liberal letters policy. We offer this forum to the public to settle differences, air opinions & undertake healthy discourse. We have only three requests: limit letters to 750 words, letters must be signed by the writer; and thank-you lists and libelous, personal attacks are unwelcome. Send your insights by Tuesday at noon to: PO Box 332, Durango, 81302 or e-mail your profundities to: telegraph@durangotelegraph.com. Let the games begin ...

Aug. 20, 2020 n 7

TopStory

Early suffragists in a march for womens right to vote. The American Association of University women and the League of Women Voters are hosting an open-air salute to suffragists this Saturday morning in Buckley Park. /Photo courtesy Library of Congress

Fight for the right Marking the centennial of the epic and oft unsung battle for the 19th Amendment

by Ann Butler

O

ver the next week, Americans across the country will be celebrating the 100th anniversary of the ratification of the 19th Amendment giving women the right to vote, including a celebration in Durango on Sat., Aug. 22.

“Our Open-Air Salute to Suffragists is the result of a year of planning, and it originally was going to be a big rally with musicians, speakers and children,” Marcy Jung, president of the American Association of University Women, Durango Branch, said. Her group was collaborating with the League of Women Voters, La Plata, on a big event to mark the occasion. Then came COVID. “Now it will be a safe walking gallery highlighting people who were instrumental in getting suffrage passed, along with free yard signs and encouragement to vote.”

It will be a history lesson for many Americans, who know little of the decades-long fight to convince an allmale electorate to see women as their fellow citizens worthy of a voice and a vote.

8 n Aug. 20, 2020

JusttheFacts What: “Open Air Salute to Suffragists,” an educational exhibit with music. Attendees are free to come and go as they please; masks and social distancing required.

When: 10-11:30 a.m., Sat., Aug. 22 Where: Buckley Park

telegraph

“I never even heard anything about women’s rights growing up in the South,” Ed Cash, a recently retired Durango High School social studies teacher, said. “The first time I heard about it was at the University of Tennessee, which you may know has a premier basketball program.

Everyone said if you want to see real basketball, go watch the women play. That’s when I found out about Title IX.” He’s learned a lot more over the past year.

“This anniversary of the 19th Amendment sparked an interest in women’s issues, and we taught a whole section on it,” he said. “We looked at different generations of feminism, like Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony, among the first suffragettes, then Alice Paul, who was much more radical and wider in her approach. We watched ‘I Love Lucy’ and ‘All in the Family,’ studied why the Equal Rights Amendment failed and listened to Loretta Lynn and Beyoncé.”

Cash isn’t alone in not knowing much about the 19th Amendment and the history of women’s rights.

“Working on this celebration has shown me my own lack of knowledge,” said Jung, a former women’s studies 4

What’s in a name?

Although most people call the women who fought for the right to vote “suffragettes,” “suffragists” is the original name. In 1906, England’s The Daily Mail used “suffragette” as a derogatory term, thus starting the debate began over what the difference was, or if there even was a difference.

In 1910, the Los Angeles Herald described it as a “A suffragist persuades, a suffragette fights.” In any case, most American women preferred to be called suffragists, which had been the moniker since 1840.

– Ann Butler you have a Black Lives Matter, which doesn’t have an identifiable leadership structure because of what happened to civil rights leaders who were slain.”

Native Americans earned the right to vote in 1924, after Congress determined that even though reservations were sovereign nations, their members were also U.S. citizens. It wasn’t until 1962 that the final state granted full voting rights to all Native Wyoming was the first territory to allow women unfettered access to voting, in Americans. Suffrage continued to be 1869, while Colorado was the first state to allow women to vote, in 1893. How- granted to different marginalized groups ever, voting for women in the rest of the country did not come until 1920. over the next 50 years.

Voting in Colorado professor at Fort Lewis College. “It’s been re“I think it’s important to note that the Colorado was ahead of the curve, grantally developmental for me. I knew about the amendment doesn’t discriminate,” Jung passage of the amendment in 1920, but not said. “It was people who excluded other ing women the vote in 1893. It was the second try after an initiative failed in 1877, but about the limitations that still exist.” people.”

Just the beginning Understanding social movements and Colorado was the first state to grant women The history of the fight for women’s how they worked toward their goals is eas- the right to vote in a popular vote with an all-male electorate. right to vote is complicated, with aboli- ier in hindsight.

There’s a hole in the newspaper records tion, racism and temperance all playing a “Reformers, people who fight for change part. There were periodic schisms within are always expected to be perfect,” Eleanor of The Durango Herald, but much can be the suffragists who, at different times and Smeal, former president of the National Or- learned by reading newspapers from surin different places, tried to get women’s ganization for Women, said on PBS’ “Vote: rounding communities, according to Carovoting rights passed at both the state and The American Experience.” “But you’re liv- line Bowra, former executive director of the federal levels or struggled with which was ing in a society where you make accommo- Animas Museum who worked on the mumore important, racial or gender voting dations to go to the next step. Maybe you seum’s 19th Amendment activities.

“There apparently was some trash talkrights. shouldn’t, but it’s almost impossible to get ing going on between the editors of The Du“Most of the early suffragettes were abo- the whole loaf.” litionists first,” Trish Pegram, a former presPaul DeBell, assistant professor of politi- rango Herald and the Mancos Times,” she said. “Even though the teleident of the local LWV, graphic columns and Denver dissaid. “There was quite a patch said suffrage had passed by contest after the Civil several thousand votes, the (HerWar, when the 15th ald’s) editorial said it had lost and Amendment gave suffrage it would be a long time before it to black men. The suffrawould be on the ballot again.” gettes wanted voting The Mancos editor, after derights for everyone.” scribing Durango as a “5-cent beer The quest to get Southberg” called out the Herald editor ern states to ratify the on the shoddy editorializing. amendment led to moWomen’s voting ments that make Ameripower today cans with modern Women do not vote as a block, sensibilities squirm. although black women are widely “There’s a point that credited with the 2018 election of often gets overlooked,” – Trish Pegram, former president, LWV La Plata Sen. Doug Jones, D-Ala., the only Pegram said. “Suffragists statewide elected Democrat in Aldid make racist comabama and the first Democrat to ments, particularly in the South, because cal science at FLC, studies social movewin statewide office since 2008. And suburthe white men who were running the coun- ments and how they work. try were racist, and without their votes, the “We see the same challenges in different ban women are being courted by both parties 19th wouldn’t have passed.” movements,” he said. “From the suffra- in the 2020 election cycle.

In Colorado, women use their hard-won While black women also won the right gettes and Civil Rights Movement, to Black to vote with the passage of the 19th Lives Matter and even to what we’re seeing right. In the June primary, women outvoted Amendment in 1920, only black women in in Belarus, for example. You want to be in- men, 857,116 to 729,147. And in La Plata the North could freely do so. The Jim Crow clusive and have a leadership that can for- County, registered active women voters laws that kept black men from voting in the mulate strategic principles, cut deals, get nudged out the men as of the end of July: South also affected black women. down to the nitty gritty of politics. Yet then 18,560 to 18,264. n

“Most of the early suffragettes were abolitionists first. There was quite a contest after the Civil War, when the 15th Amendment gave suffrage to Black men. The suffragettes wanted voting rights for all.”

telegraph

Aug. 20, 2020 n

9

StateNews

A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year From coronavirus to economic downturn to wildfires, 2020 puts Polis to the test

by John Daley Colorado Public Radio News

G

ov. Jared Polis’ 2020 started with the arrival of the novel coronavirus in March, followed by an economic crisis caused by the pandemic. And now, the state’s worst wildfire season in years, compounding the challenges unleashed by the first two.

Bad things come in threes.

In a news conference Tuesday, the fires got most of the attention. Polis issued a temporary statewide open fire ban, barring campfires and fireworks.

“The hot, dry weather is making fire behavior extreme, rapid spread, already taxing our resources to fight fires,” he said. “We need to do everything we can to prevent new fires from starting in the first place.”

The Pine Gulch Fire north of Grand Junction billows atop a ridgeline on Tues., Aug. 18. That same day, Gov. Polis enacted a statewide fire ban for 30 days. As of Wednesday, the Pine Gulch Fire was at 125,000 acres and closing in fast on the Hayman Fire for the dubious honor of the largest in state history./Photo courtesy Inciweb

Gov. Polis at a news conference Tuesday. In addition to enacting a statewide fire ban, he also touched on the pandemic, and it wasn’t all bad news. Colorado’s positivity rate for testing is at its lowest since March.

He said the ban doesn’t include home barbecues, public grills, camp stoves and approved covered fire pits.

The ban will have a limited impact for most Coloradans.

Only three West Slope counties didn’t already have their own bans in place, including La Plata, which lifted fire restrictions Aug. 4. On Wednesday, the San Juan National Forest announced Stage 1 fire restrictions starting Aug. 20.

The statewide ban will be in effect for 30 days, as Colorado faces hot, dry weather with no relief in sight.

When asked if the ban would include shooting on public lands, Stan Hilkey, the executive director of Colorado's Department of Public Safety, said he didn’t think it would, but added that the language was still being drafted.

“I think the real relevant point is that we want people to take the fire ban seriously,” he said.

There are four major fires now burning in the state, and Polis said three of them were likely caused by humans, with the largest, the Pine Gulch Fire north of Grand Junction, the result of a lightning strike.

The Williams Fork Fire north of Silverthorne is considered human-caused because there was no indication of lightning in the area when the fire started. Two blazes, the Grizzly Creek and the Cameron Peak fires, are still under

10 n Aug. 20, 2020

investigation. However, the former appears to have been caused by sparks from a vehicle, “something dragging on the interstate,” the governor said. There was also no sign of lightning near the start of the Cameron Peak blaze.

Hilkey said that the state has spent $10.5 million on fire suppression costs so far in 2020. Wildland firefighters, including Colorado Department of Natural Resources executive director Dan Gibbs, who also appeared with Polis on Tuesday, have focused on protecting lives and property while the fires burn primarily in remote terrain.

Meantime, the governor had better news to discuss on the COVID-19 front, with the state recording some of its lowest figures for positivity rates – which track positive results per number of tests taken – since the pandemic began in March. He credited the state’s residents for following public health guidelines, including the mask order introduced last month.

“That is a direct result of you wearing masks in public, of you avoiding large gatherings, staying home when you can,” Polis said. “And that's especially welcome news as kids return to school across our state.”

The positivity rate, as measured over three days to smooth out peaks and valleys alike, has fallen below 3 percent. That's a fraction of the rates in states like Arizona, Texas, Florida and Georgia, which have struggled to contain the spread of the highly contagious virus. Colorado’s case counts are about a quarter of those in Arizona.

“Overall, 10 of the last 14 days, we've had a downward trend (in key COVID-19 measures),” the governor said. He called the crisis the “greatest pandemic in a century.”

When asked whether the state could expect to continue

telegraph

with low positivity numbers, epidemiologist Dr. Alexis Burakoff said it’s difficult to predict.

“It's really too hard to guess what the impact of things like school openings might have on our numbers. We think that the guidance that we've released is going to make school as safe as possible,” Burakoff said. “So certainly, my hope is that that wouldn't be a huge driver, but it’s too hard to say what will happen.”

The governor was asked if the state should consider lifting some restrictions – for example, the 10 p.m. deadline for last call at bars and restaurants or the indoor visitation rules at nursing homes. He said nursing home rules were being revisited and new guidelines would be coming in “the next few days.”

But with his order on last call set to expire soon, the governor expressed skepticism about loosening that rule. “We know that we can’t return to normal like so many things in life,” Polis said.

A late-night social environment, especially one where people are inebriated, “provides an ideal environment for the virus to spread,” he said.

Polis was hopeful the state could make progress with the lower virus numbers it was seeing, but he said Colorado was still a ways away from "normal."

“We're nowhere near a situation where we can return to living the way we did last year without giving the virus the opportunity to expand exponentially in our state, and destroying our economy and costing thousands of lives," he said. n For more from Colorado Public Radio, go to www.cpr.org.

thesecondsection Boarding Haus owner John Agnew with a board just like his first one in 1976: an aluminum “GrinTech.” Next week, Agnew celebrates 25 years of the Boarding Haus, which he started in 1995 with the help of former HassleFree Sports owner Tommy Peterson. Housed in the tiny cinderblock building next to Hasslefree on N. Main, the Boarding Haus moved downtown to take over Inferno’s Main Avenue spot in 2017./ Photo by Missy Votel

Riding the wave From Sorels to splitboards, 25 years of ups and downs in the boarding biz

by Missy Votel

I

t all started in the 1970s in Aspen with a skateboarding chef, carrying a loaf of bread.

“I thought, ‘Oh my God. What is that?’” remarked a now much wiser John Agnew. “And that was the birth of my interest.”

Interest in what, you may ask. Chefing? Bread? Food delivery? Au contraire – in that moment the seeds were planted in Agnew’s fertile mind for a long, mostly illustrious love affair with boarding. Skateboarding, snowboarding and probably surfing, hoverboarding and snurfing (we did not verify everything on this extensive list, but he appears to be a john of all trades) soon followed. All of which manifested in Durango’s longeststanding, continually-owned-by-the-same-dude board shop, the Boarding Haus, which celebrates 25 years next week. (*Bubba’s Boards also turns 25 this year, although it is no longer owned by the great Bubba himself.)

“I feel so fortunate to still be doing what I’m doing and I love it,” said Agnew, 54.

But, as in all good love stories, there is a twist. See, although Agnew grew up skateboarding, he did not start out loving snowboarding – to be fair, it didn’t exist until he was in his early 20s. No – his first love was skiing. For his formative years growing up in Durango,

Agnew was a racer, on what he thought was the fast track to Olympic fame. Unfortunately, his dreams of Olympic glory didn’t quite pan out. His family, which owned the Purgatory Lodge near the entrance to Purg for a number of years, moved away. After an absence, Agnew returned after high school in the ’80s to attend Fort Lewis College. And while he still ski raced, it was then that he got his first taste of sweet, sweet powder on one plank. (No, not a monoboard – a snowboard.

Think first-gen Burton or Sims splittail with Sorels.)

Guess you could say it was love at first ride.

“There was something about it that just spoke to me,” said Agnew. “It was so flowy and fluid and playful.”

Plus, by then, skiing had begun to feel like a job – which few twentysomethings tend to associate with fun. But snowboarding, with its absence of tight skinsuits, gates and timing stations, was the complete opposite. “All I did was smile and have fun when I rode.

The passion just grew … it’s still growing.”

After graduating FLC, Agnew put his passion to work, managing the dearly departed Hasslefree Sports. He mentioned to owner Tommy Peterson the rapid growth of this newfangled sport he had discovered and pitched the idea of having a separate section in the store dedicated to it. Peterson took it a step further – in 1995 renting out the ramshackle cinderblock building immediately to the

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south of Hasslefree, which was recently vacated by Natural Grocer’s. That building became the home of the Boarding Haus for the next 22 years, until it moved to Main Avenue in 2017, in the space formerly occupied by Inferno, the town’s OG board shop.

“It was such a great experience. I got to create a store, make the name, draw the logos, order all the product,” Agnew said.

Of course, just as snowboarding saw a meteoric rise in the 1990s, so did snowboard shops.

“The year we opened we went from one other board shop in town to seven,” he recalled. “It was on this trajectory. Instantly, it was brutal.”

But, to borrow a term, he rode it out, buying the business from Peterson in 2000.

Since then, Agnew has seen his share of ups and downs, no pun intended. He credits his longevity to personalized customer service and attention to quality product. And whatever you do, when you walk in, don’t ask about Burton. He doesn’t carry it – never has.

“I’m not a hater,” he said. “I absolutely appreciate the history and what they’ve done.”

It’s just that, despite all Jake Burton did for the sport and bringing it to the mainstream, when Agnew first started out, he did not exactly feel the love from the company or its reps. 4 Aug. 20, 2020 n 15

BoardingHaus from p. 15 “I thought, ‘You know what? There’s so much better stuff. I’m just going to focus on the things that are not as mainstream,’” he recalled. “I really delved into finding what I thought was the best product instead of just the biggest name.”

Turns out, being a rebel in what was once a rebel sport paid off. “It really turned into a good thing and finding what I believe are some of the most amazing companies in the business,” he said.

Within the last decade or so, Agnew has seen yet another seismic shift in the industry. Seems ski companies got the wider-isbetter memo, making fatter, more rockered skis to mimic the shreddyness of snowboards. With that, Agnew saw younger kids moving away from snowboarding back to skiing. He said people realized they could get on skis and do the same tricks without the “break-in” time of learning to snowboard. “They could go out and do things right away, whereas with boarding, it’s really hard to learn at first,” he said. (*Yes, we know this a hot button topic and the source of many a heated apres debate. Agnew, who spent a lifetime skiing as you’ll recall, notes that mastering skiing is much harder than mastering snowboarding. He is only saying that the first few days of learning to snowboard can be, shall we say, a bit rougher than skiing. There is no “snowplow” or “pizza” wedging in boarding – it’s all or nothing.)

Since the skiing renaissance hit, the attrition to two planks has seemed to level off, he said, with snowboard sales remaining steady. He attributes this to a dedicated populace of local snowboarders. “I don’t know what it is about Durango, but there are a lot of snowboarders here,” he said.

At the same time, he said interest in skateboarding – as with most other outdoor activities – has boomed since the pandemic began.

“It’s really neat,” he said. “I’m seeing people my age coming in and saying, ‘I haven’t skateboarded in 30 years but COVID hit and I got time on my hands and I want to get back into it.’ Or they say, ‘my kids skate and I want to skate with them.’”

The latter is something Agnew, a father of a 5-year-old daughter, can identify with.

Yes, she snowboards. But, in an effort to more easily explore the mountain with her (read: negotiate cat tracks), he is also teaching her to ski. Which means last winter, after 25 years, he went back to the “other” sport.

“It’s like riding a bike,” he said. “It was fun.” Mind you, the last time he stepped into ski bindings, skis were 205s and about the width of your iPhone, which didn’t exist at the time. “It was real interesting with the new shape of skis – I’d never been on them. It was a treat.”

But not to worry – Agnew is not going to the dark side (which for snowboarders is the exact opposite of what it is for skiers.)

Snowboarding is still his second first love (or is it first second?)

“I’d like to (ski) some more, but I don’t

John Agnew takes a ride down memory lane with some early snowboards, which hang over the downtown shop./ Photo by Missy Votel think it’ll ever take over,” he said.

In the meantime, he’s just going to keep on doing what he does, hoping to get back to this three days/week riding schedule next winter. And, of course, sharing the stoke (which I’m pretty sure is jibber parlance for “extreme enthusiasm.”)

“I’m not sure what the future holds, but

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I am so much enjoying what I do,” he said.

“It’s all about playing on the mountain, to be able to surf down the hill. It puts a smile on your face.” n (Missy Votel tried snowboarding for a week in 1993. She sucked and soon after started telemarking, at which she also sucked. To this day, she isn’t really sure if she’s fakey or not.)

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16 n Aug. 20, 2020

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FlashinthePan

Armando’s eggplant experience

by Ari LeVaux

I

n the neighborhood where I grew up, my go-to spot for culinary excellence was Armando’s Pizza. If I was in a hurry, I’d buy a slice and be on my way. But if I had the time, I’d have an eggplant sub.

Armando’s Eggplant Parmesan Submarine Sandwich took just a few minutes longer to prepare than a slice of pizza.

Both of them went into the oven for some cheese-melting re-heat. The sub required extra time to eat because I had to chew slowly and enjoy it properly.

I could not rush through those breaded cutlets of meaty eggplant, drenched in marinara, plastered in provolone, wrapped in a fresh Italian roll and lit up with a carefully chosen assortment of toppings known as “everything.”

The eggplant sub was the most satisfying food I could afford – and more delicious than many foods I couldn’t afford. Years later when I returned home to visit with my pockets full of available credit at great rates, I threw back eggplant subs like potato chips, at a similar price point, when I could have spent a lot more on food in the big city of Boston.

An eggplant parmesan submarine sandwich seems like such a simple thing. Until you try making one from scratch and realize the level of preparation behind it. Making that marinara sauce alone can take all day. The cutlets can easily take as long, especially if you go big.

This time of year, when eggplant is abundant and the price is right, I bring home boxes from the market and make trays of eggplant cutlets to freeze. They store remarkably well, for longer than a year without a noticeable drop in quality. In a month or two, meanwhile, it will be time to make a year’s supply of tomato sauce.

Then we’ll have the means to make eggplant parmesan subs at a moment’s notice, for some of the slowest, tastiest fast food you’ll ever try.

There are four stages to this recipe: cutting, salting, breading and finally baking the eggplant. The salting step removes some of the eggplant’s excess water. The breading is a classic three-stage process: first, coat the eggplant slice with flour. Then dip it in beaten eggs. The flour holds the egg on, and then you dip it in panko flakes, which stick to the egg. I realize that Panko flakes are not exactly authentic Italian, but they make the best coating.

It forms a delectable seal around the cutlet, creating a pressure chamber in which the eggplant cooks until silky smooth.

This recipe will make enough cutlets for 12 large subs, because it really makes no sense to go to all of this trouble to make a few cutlets. But if you want to start small, divide the recipe by three and just bread one eggplant.

Baked Eggplant Cutlets 3 large eggplants (or about 3 pounds worth) 4 teaspoons salt 2 cups flour 1 teaspoon black pepper 1 teaspoon garlic powder 1 teaspoon thyme or Italian seasonings 1 teaspoon Spike seasoning or seasoned salt 3 eggs ½ cup milk 4 cups panko flakes 1 cup chopped parsley 1 cup Parmesan cheese, powdered or shredded and chopped Cut off the ends of each eggplant so the fruit can stand on end. Cut straight down with a knife, starting on one side of the upended eggplant, and cut slices no fatter than a half-inch. Use a peeler on the outside slices so they have two sides. Lay the slices on a rack – I use an

telegraph

oven rack – and sprinkle with salt as evenly as you can. After about two hours, gently dab them with a paper towel or kitchen towel, and turn them. Sprinkle the other sides with the rest of the salt and turn them. After another two hours, dab them with a towel.

In a bowl that’s large enough for an eggplant cutlet, mix the flour and dried seasonings. In a similar sized bowl, beat the eggs and milk. In a third bowl, mix the panko flakes with the parsley and cheese. Dredge each piece of eggplant through the seasoned flour and then dip it into the egg wash. Hold it up for a moment so the egg drips off, and then dredge in the panko flakes, pressing them into the eggy cutlets with your fingers.

Place each cutlet on a cookie sheet. When the sheet is full, with no two cutlets touching, drizzle the cutlets with olive oil at a rate that drops about a teaspoon of oil per cutlet.

Place the tray in an oven preheated to 400 and bake until you smell nicely browned toast, about 20 minutes. Flip the cutlets and cook another 10 or so minutes, staying alert to the smell of burning. Ideally, some of the cutlets will be a little puffy when you take them out.

To freeze cutlets for later, allow them to cool to room temperature on the cookie sheet. Scrape them loose with a spatula, if necessary, and then put the tray in the freezer.

When frozen, transfer to freezer bags. Then whenever you feel the urge, you can make some instant parma, either on a sub roll or in a tray. The cutlets don’t discriminate.

The Eggplant Sub 1 hoagie, sub roll or section of baguette 1-3 cutlets, depending on the size – enough to cover one of the two cut faces ½ cup warm marinara sauce 3 slices provolone (or the equivalent amount of shredded mozzarella) “Everything,” which at Armando’s would be chopped tomatoes, onions, lettuce, pickles and pickled hot cherry peppers (I use Giuliano brand sliced red and yellow cherry peppers).

Slice open the roll along one side, so the top and bottom remain connected along the other. Cover one side of this open-faced sandwich with cutlets, and smother them in marinara. Lay provolone slices over both sides – atop the eggplant and marinara on one half, and bare bread on the other – and bake at 400 until the cheese melts. Remove from the oven, add “everything” and serve. n

Aug. 20, 2020 n 17

stufftodo

Thursday20 Donny Johnson plays, 5:30-8:30 p.m., Office Spiritorium, 699 Main Ave. DJ Calvin spins, 5-8 p.m., 11th Street Station, Main Ave. and 11th St.

Friday21 Matt Rupnow plays, 5:30-8:30 p.m., Office Spiritorium, 699 Main Ave. Mushroom and Wine Dinner, 6:30-9 p.m., Purgatory Resort. www.purgatoryresort.com The Assortment plays, 6-9 p.m., Fox Fire Farms, 5513 CR 321, Ignacio.

Bo James plays, 6-9 p.m., 11th Street Station, Main Ave. and 11th St. Larry Carver & Jack Ellis play, 6 p.m., Derailed Pour House, 725 Main Ave.

Submit “Stuff to Do” items by Monday at noon to: calendar@durangotelegraph.com

iAM Music Fest Pop-up Summer Concert Series featuring High Country Hustle, People We Know and DJ Calvin, 5:30-9 p.m., The Nugget Bar, south of Purg. Tickets at www.iammusic.us.

Saturday22 Durango Farmers Market, Saturdays, 8 a.m.-12 noon, in TBK Parking Lot, across from the Transit Center.

Facemasks required. www.durangofarmersmarket.com.

Free bokken (sword) and jo (staff) lessons, 9-10 a.m., Claire Viles Park. Masks required. www.durango aikido.com Randy Crumbaugh plays, 11 a.m.-2 p.m., 11th Street Station, Main Ave. and 11th St. Pottery artist Marge Meyer Nugent hosts an outdoor exhibit, 12 - 4 p.m. on the sidewalk outside Create Art & Tea, at the Durango Arts Center, 802 E. 2nd Ave. Gary Watkins plays, 5:30-8:30 p.m., Office Spiritorium, 699 Main Ave. Tyler Kelley plays, 6-9 p.m., 11th Street Station, Main Ave. and 11th St.

Sunday23 Henry Stoy plays piano, 10 a.m.- 1 p.m., Jean Pierre

Local author Scott Graham comes to Maria’s on Tuesday for a launch party of the latest book in his national park mystery series, Mesa Verde Victim. In addition to a book signing from 12-2 p.m., there will be a livestreamed presentation with Graham and an archaeologist from Crow Canyon from 6:30 - 7:30 p.m.

Visit mariasbookshop.com for more dets.

Wine Bar, College Drive and Main.

Allora Leonard plays, 12-2 p.m., 11th Street Station, Main Ave. and 11th St. Blue Moon Ramblers play Americana/bluegrass, 5:30 – 8:30 p.m., Diamond Belle Saloon, 699 Main Ave.

Rob Webster plays, 5:30 – 8:30 p.m., Office Spiritorium, 699 Main Ave. Ed Bolster plays live on the patio, 6-8 p.m., PRIMI Pasta & Wine Bar, 1201 Main Ave.

Sean O’Brien plays, 5:30-8:30 p.m., Office Spiritorium, 699 Main Ave.

Rocky Mountain Uke Fest online jam, 6:30 – 8 p.m. Email denise@rockymountainukefest.com for Zoom link.

Monday24

Tuesday25

Meditation and Dharma Talk, 5:30- 7 p.m. online at www.durangodharmacenter.org/

Book launch party for local author Scott Graham’s new book, Mesa Verde Victim, signing, noon-2 4

Come by for a delicious cup!

You deserve it, and we’d love to see you!

Proudly serving Fahrenheit Coffee, Espresso, baked goods, teas and more!

1099 Main Ave., under the big clock Mon.- Thurs., 7am-3pm and Fri., 7am-1pm

18 n Aug. 20, 2020

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p.m., Maria’s Bookshop’s garden, 960 Main Ave.; livestream event with Graham and an archaeologist from Crow Canyon Archaeological Center, 6:30-7:30 p.m., www.mariasbookshop.com. leah orlikowski plays, 5:30 – 8:30 p.m., Office Spiritorium, 699 Main Ave.

“unbridled” equine photography of Tony Stromberg, thru Aug. 31, Sorrel Sky Gallery, 828 Main Ave. Virtual Bow Wow Film Festival, thru Aug. 21, a fundraiser for the La Plata County Humane Society. For information, URL and tickets, go to: www.lpchumanesociety.org. lacey Black/dale Elliott play ragtime and honky-tonk piano, 12 noon – 2:30ish, daily at the Grand Imperial Hotel’s Lone Spur Cafe in Silverton.

Rotary Club of durango virtual Zoom presentation with Capt. Adrian Driscoll, Colorado State Patrol, 6 p.m. Email: mtnman16@gmail.com.

Pine River library is offering curbside checkouts Mon.Fri., 2-6 p.m., and Sat., 10 a.m.- 2 p.m. For info., call 970884-2222 or visit www.prlibrary.org/ curbside-checkout-program/

Wednesday26 Wednesday Wine Workshop, “Taste Your Way Through Italy’s Wine Regions” with sommelier Tracy, 4-5 p.m., PRIMI Pasta & Wine Bar, 1201 Main Ave. Reserve your spot at www.primidurango.com

Free bokken (sword) and jo (staff) lessons, 5-6 p.m., Claire Viles Park. Masks required. www.durangoaikido.com

durango drive-In Movie “Easy Rider,” Sept. 5, gates open 7 p.m., show at 8 p.m., Durango & Silverton parking lot, W. College Drive. Get tickets at www.durangodrivein.com.

t u o d sol

durango drive-In Movie “the Breakfast Club,” Aug. 27, gates open 7 p.m., show at 8 p.m., Durango & Silverton parking lot, W. College Drive. Get tickets at www.durangodrivein.com. devin scott plays everything from R. Kelly to Patsy Cline on ukulele, Aug. 28, 5:30 – 8:30 p.m., Office Spiritorium, 699 Main Ave. durango drive-In Movie “Jurassic Park,” Aug. 28, gates open 7 p.m., show at 8 p.m., Durango & Silverton parking lot, W. College Drive. Get tickets at www.durango drivein.com.

the Great Animas City Passeggiata, 5-8 p.m., 30th and N. Main, presented by the Animas City Night Bazaar. www.animascitynightbazaar.com terry Rickard plays, 5:30-8:30 p.m., Office Spiritorium, 699 Main Ave. PJ Moon plays, 5-8 p.m., 11th Street Station, Main Ave. and 11th St.

san Juan Brewfest At-Home: “Keep Your spirits up,” Sept. 5, 1-5 p.m., pick up your kits for light or dark beer, wine, or cocktails at Star Liquors. Tickets and info at: www.SanJuanBrewfest.com. Proceeds benefit United Way of SW Colorado.

Free Book giveaway, Sept. 5, 11 a.m., Downtown Security Storage, 923 Narrow Gauge Ave. Sponsored by Durango Book Rescue.

upcoming

Backyard fruit harvesting with the Good Food Collective, Wednesdays, 5-7 p.m. Meet at Manna Soup Kitchen.

Bring water bottle, face mask and boxes/bags for any fruit you want to take home. Info at: www.goodfoodcollective.org/get-involved

durango drive-In Movie “Why We Ride,” Sept. 4, gates open 7 p.m., show at 8 p.m., Durango & Silverton parking lot, W. College Drive. Get tickets at www.durango drivein.com.

santa Fe trad Music Fest at Home, Aug. 29, 12-9 p.m. Featuring music from Cahalan Morrison, Rafe and Clelia Stafanini, Lara Manzanares plus a dozen more traditional music artists. SantaFeTradFest.org

durango drive-In Movie “Big lebowski,” Sept. 6, gates open 7 p.m., show at 8 p.m., Durango & Silverton parking lot, W. College Drive. Get tickets at www.durango drivein.com.

Fearless Peasants play an outdoor show, Sept. 11, 6 - 9 p.m., Gazpacho’s Parking Lot. Mining & Reclamation Conference: Adaptive Capacity in Uncertain Times, Sept. 21-24, with local, state, national and international guests, presented by Mountain Studies Institute, Uncompahgre Watershed Partnership, San Miguel Watershed Coalition and Headwaters Alliance. For info. or to register, go to: www.mountainstudies.org/sjmrc sCAPE 2020 online start-up showcase, Sept. 22, 2 p.m. www.goscape.org/startupshowcase2020

iAM Music Fest 2020 Concert series, Aug. 29, matinee show 3:30-5:30 p.m.; evening show 6:30-9 p.m. Buckley Park. Tickets: www.iammusic.us

Mountain Marmot trail Run, Sept. 26, 9 a.m. – 12:30 p.m., Purgatory Resort. www.purgatoryresort.com

ongoing

donny Johnson plays, Aug. 29, 5:30-8:30 p.m., Office Spiritorium, 699 Main Ave.

Phoenix Art Project Community Exhibit, a community show on the challenges, resilience and strengths revealed by the pandemic, on display thru Sept.20, Durango Arts Center, 802 E. 2nd Ave. For info., email liz@durango arts.org or Jen@durangoarts.org.

12 Hours of Mesa Verde mtn bike race, “Viva Las Vegas,” Oct. 3, 6 a.m. – 9 p.m., Phil’s World, Cortez. Register at imathlete.com

durango drive-In Movie “Wayne’s World,” Aug. 29, gates open 7 p.m., show at 8 p.m., Durango & Silverton parking lot, W. College Drive. Get tickets at www.durango drivein.com.

iAM Music songwriting Contest, through Sept. 4. $25 entry fee. Sign up and submit at www.iammusic.us. san Juan symphony digital season Passes now available for $99 by visiting www.sanjuansymphony.org. Virtual season ticket guarantees four subscription concerts as well as pre-concert talks by the conductor, interviews with composers and musicians, and a video series of solo and ensemble performances by SJS musicians.

durango drive-In Movie “dirty dancing,” Aug. 30, gates open 7 p.m., show at 8 p.m., Durango & Silverton parking lot, W. College Drive. Get tickets at www.durangodrivein.com.

to submit an item email: calendar@ durangotelegraph.com

durango drive-In Movie “dazed and Confused,” Sept. 3, gates open 7 p.m., show at 8 p.m., Durango & Silverton parking lot, W. College Drive. Get tickets at www.du rangodrivein.com.

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Aug. 20, 2020 n 19

AskRachel

Unexpected errors, flats and going both ways Interesting fact: Bupkis, according to ye olde coffee shop parking lot internet, is short for kozebubkes, “goat droppings” in Yiddish.

Dear Rachel, Don’t you love when you’re filling out online forms and you submit and you get some vague error notice with no way to address it? You don’t know if your form went through or not. If you made an error or if the system did (but it was totally the system). No way to tell a human being that errors are happening and, for all you know, people are dying out there. I wish we could go back to the days of calling a human being who would tell you that your file was lost, or something like that. At least it was more personable.

– Does Not Compute Dear ID10T Error, *The Xfinity customer you are trying to reach is no longer in service.* Kidding! I would never actually pay for internet. I’ll pay for coffee to use the internet, though. Anyway. My favorite message is the “Oops! An unexpected error occurred.” Except it was apparently expected enough for some coder to program in a friendly little “oops.” We know they’re going to do bupkis about it, so I just wish they’d own up to it instead of passing off a faultless, toothless, useless error message.

– Whoopsie daisy, Rachel

Dear Rachel, Can glass on the road actually give you a flat tire? Ever since I was 16 and learning to drive, I swerve around broken bottles in the road. I got to thinking, though. My car tires are thick. My car is really heavy. Other cars ran over the glass before I got there and the highway is not littered with crippled cars. There’s no way a Fat Tire is giving me a flat tire. Right?

– Old and Re-Tired Dear Re-tread, I never say never. Someone out there has probably gotten a flat tire from a hand puppet. No, god, no, that’s not a euphemism. But now I can’t unsee the euphemism.

And you probably can’t unsee it either. I just meant that a hand puppet is flexible and floppy and soft, so there’s no way it could do anything to a hard, inflated tire. God. I just made it worse. Think asexual thoughts. Broken glass. Punctured rubber. Nope… that didn’t work. How about you just stay off the road, yeah?

– Life in the fast lane, Rachel Dear Rachel, I don’t understand why ceiling fans are supposed to turn one way in the winter and one way in summer. Both ways cause some air to go up and some air to go down. We’re not talking airplane propellers here. Can you ’splain to me the physics, or at least the logic, behind why fans go both ways, and why I always have mine going the wrong way?

– Philly Fan-atic

Business up front, socially distanced party in the back?

Email Rachel at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com Dear Number One Fan, When the number two hits the fan, you’ll care which way the blades spin. But which way is the right way?

Beats me. I’m all for women’s lib, but I know bupkis about ceiling fans, and it’s a manly household task that I can give to a man visiting my household. He doesn’t know either, but he can look it up online and flip a switch and feel like a badass. And I don’t have to pull out the ladder.

– Fanning the flames, Rachel

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Call Lainie to mullet over: 970-259-0133 or lainie@durango telegraph.com

20 n Aug. 20, 2020

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FreeWillAstrology

by Rob Brezsny ARIES (March 21-April 19): “We never know what is enough until we know what’s more than enough,” Aries singer Billie Holiday said. I don’t think that applies to everyone, although it’s more likely to be true about the Aries tribe than maybe any other sign of the zodiac. And I’m guessing that the coming weeks could be a time when you will indeed be vivid proof of its validity.

That’s why I’m issuing a “Too Much of a Good Thing” alert for you. I don’t think it’ll be harmful to go a bit too far and get a little too much of the good things; it may even be wise and healthy to do so. But please don’t go waaayyyy too far and get waaayyyy too much of the good things.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Taurus author Honoré de Balzac (1799–1850) took many years to write The Human Comedy, an amalgam of 91 intertwined novels, stories and essays. For this vast enterprise, he dreamed up the personalities of more than 2,000 characters, many of whom appeared in multiple volumes. I bring this to your attention, Taurus, because I believe that the next 15 months will be an excellent time for you to imagine and carry out a Balzac-like project of your own. Do you have an inkling of what that might be? Now’s a good time to start ruminating.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Not until the 19th century did humans begin to take organized actions to protect animals from cruelty. Even those were sparse. The latter part of the 20th century brought more concerted efforts to promote animal welfare, but the rise of factory farms, toxic slaughterhouses, zoos, circuses and cosmetic testing has shunted us into a Dark Age of animal abuse. I suspect our descendants will look back with horror at our barbarism. This problem incurs psychological wounds in us all in ways that aren’t totally conscious. And I think this is an especially key issue for you right now. I beg you, for your own sake as well as for the animals’, to upgrade your practical love and compassion for animals.

I bet you’ll find it inspires you to treat your own body with more reverence.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Cancerian literary critic Harold Bloom bragged to The New York Times that his speed-reading skills were so advanced that he could finish a 500-page book in an hour.

While I believe he has indeed devoured thousands of books, I also wonder if he lied about his quickness. Nonetheless, I’ll offer him up as an inspirational role model for you in the coming weeks. Why? Because you’re likely to be able to absorb and integrate far more new information and fresh experiences than usual – and at a rapid pace.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “Magic lies in challenging what seems impossible,” Leo politician Carol Moseley Braun says. I agree with her but will also suggest there’s an even higher magic: when you devise a detailed plan for achieving success by challenging the impossible, and then actually carry out that plan. Judging from the current astrological omens, I suspect you’re in an unusually favorable position to do just that in the coming weeks. Be bold in rising to the challenge; be practical and strategic in winning the challenge.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): “Joy is a mystery because it can happen anywhere, anytime, even under the most unpromising circumstances,” author Frederick Buechner writes. What he doesn’t say is that you must be receptive and open to the possibility of joy arriving anywhere and anytime. If you’re shut down to its surprising influx, if you’re convinced that joy is out of reach, it won’t break through the barriers you’ve put up; it won’t be able to land in your midst. I think this is especially important counsel for you in the coming weeks, Virgo. PLEASE make yourself available for joy. P.S. Here’s another clue from Buechner: “Joy is where the whole being is pointed in one direction.”

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “I transformed stillnesses and darknesses into words,” Libran poet Arthur Rimbaud wrote.

“What was unspeakable, I named. I made the whirling world pause.”

In accordance with current astrological potentials, I have turned his thoughts into a message for you. In the coming weeks, I hope you will translate silences and mysteries into clear language. What is unfathomable and inaccessible, you will convert into understandings and revelations. Gently, without force or violence, you will help heal the inarticulate agitation around you with the power of your smooth, resonant tenderness.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): “Your desires, whether or not you achieve them, will determine who you become,” author Octavia E. Butler wrote. Now is a fertile time for you to meditate on that truth. So I dare you to take an inventory of all your major desires, from the noblest to the most trivial.

Be honest. If one of your burning yearnings is to have 100,000 followers on Instagram or to eat chocolate-covered bacon that is served to you in bed, admit it. After you’re through tallying up the wonders you want most, the next step is to decide if they are essential to you becoming the person you truly want to be.

If some aren’t, consider replacing them with desires that will be a better influence on you as you evolve.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22Dec. 21): If you can manage it, I recommend taking a break from business-as-usual. I’d love to see you give yourself the gift of amusement and play – a luxurious sabbatical that will help you feel free of every burden, excused from every duty, and exempt from every fixation. The spirit I hope you will embody is captured well in this passage from author Okakura Kakuzo: “Let us have a sip of tea. The afternoon glow is brightening the bamboos, the fountains are bubbling with delight, the soughing of the pines is heard in our kettle. Let us dream of evanescence and linger in the beautiful foolishness of things.”

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Rapper Eminem advises us, “Never take ecstasy, beer, Bacardi, weed, Pepto-Bismol, Vivarin, Tums, Tagamet HB, Xanax and Valium in the same day.”

What’s his rationale? That quaffing this toxic mix might kill us or make us psychotic? No. He says you shouldn’t do that because “It makes it difficult to sleep at night.” I’m going to suggest that you abide by his counsel for yet another reason: According to my analysis, you have the potential to experience some wondrous and abundant natural highs in the coming weeks. Your capacity for beautiful perceptions, exhilarating thoughts, and breakthrough epiphanies will be at a peak.

But none of that is likely to happen if you’re loaded up with inebriants.

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “Everyone who has ever built a new heaven first found the power to do so in his own hell,” philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche declared. That’s a rather histrionic statement! But then Nietzsche was a Maestro of Melodrama. He was inclined to portray human life as a heroic struggle for boldness and liberation. He imagined us as being engaged in an epic quest to express our highest nature. In accordance with your astrological potentials, I propose that you regard Nietzsche as your power creature during the coming weeks. You have a mandate to adopt his lion-hearted perspective. And yes, you also have a poetic license to build a new heaven based on the lessons you learned and the power you gained in your own hell.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Here’s some knowledge from author John le Carré: “In every operation there is an above the line and a below the line.

Above the line is what you do by the book.

Below the line is how you do the job.” According to my analysis, you have, at least for now, done all you can in your work above the line. That’s great! It was crucial for you to follow the rules and honor tradition. But now it’s time for a shift in emphasis. In the coming weeks, I hope you will specialize in finessing the details and massaging the nuances below the line.

telegraph

Aug. 20, 2020 n 21

classifieds

Deadline for Telegraph classified ads is Tuesday at noon.

Ads are a bargain at 10 cents a character with a $5 minimum. Even better, ads can now be placed online: durangotelegraph.com. Prepayment is required via cash, credit card or check.

(Sorry, no refunds or substitutions.)

Ads can be submitted via: n classifieds@durango telegraph.com n 970-259-0133 n 679 E. 2nd Ave., #E2

Wanted

Approximate office hours: Mon., 9ish - 5ish Tues., 9ish - 5ish Wed., 9ish - 3ish Thurs., On delivery Fri., gone fishing. Please call ahead: 259-0133.

Cash for Vehicles, Copper, Alum, Etc. at RJ Metal Recycle. Also free appliance and other metal drop off. 970-259-3494.

Announcements

How Am I Going to Entertain Everyone?

With a virtual or live/outdoor magic show, of course. Everyone loves magic and Mysto the Magi provides amazing magic with comedy that keeps everyone entertained at your next gathering. Get a world class magician from Denver right here in Durango while he waits out the current world situation. 970-759-5015 MystoTheMagi@hotmail.com

The Perfect Gift for your favorite dirtbag. Literature from Durango's own Benighted Publications. The Desert, The Climbing Zine, The Great American Dirtbags, American Climber, Climbing Out of Bed and Graduating From College Me are available at: Maria's Bookshop, Pine Needle Mountaineering, the Sky Store, or on the interweb at www.climbingzine.com.

HelpWanted

New Careers Developed Here! bank happy. Work happy. Right here.

We promoted several staffers, so we need to hire some more great people who want to work at an awesome place that promotes! We're searching for a professional individual with strong customer service skills and cash handling experience. Banking experience is a plus. Excellent benefits, nice co-workers, and on Fridays we wear jeans! Apply online at www.glacierbancorp.com. Bank of the San Juans is an Equal Opportunity Employer.

Volunteer Hotline Advocates Alternative Horizons is currently looking for volunteer advocates, including those who are bi-lingual, to staff our 24-Hour hotline. Make a difference in

22 n Aug. 20, 2020

Services

the lives of others, join us for a free comprehensive online training October 5th through October 23rd. For more information call the office at 970-2474374.

After School Teacher Nifty Nanny hiring an after school teacher. Experience required. 20-25 hours per week. $15-$20 per hour. Call 970-4034931.

Durango, CO Employer seeks a LATAM Nontraded REIT Risk Specialist to oversee company-directed investments in Latin American (LATAM) nontraded Real Estate Investment Trusts (REITs). Duties: assessing investment risks w/nontraded foreign REIT investments; setting operational metrics & efficiency strategies; & setting/meeting REITs due diligence budgets. REQUIRED: U.S. Bachelor’s degree in any quantitative discipline + 2 yrs’ experience as an investment risk specialist specializing in LATAM nontraded REITs. Qualified applicants should MAIL their resume w/contact info to: Attn: J.H. @ Evermetric Media, LLC, 146 4th Ave NE #202, St. Petersburg, FL 33701

Lost/Found Found a Guitar on Lime Creek Road Found a guitar left at a campsite on Lime Creek Rd. If you can describe it to me it's yours. Derrell 970-759-4939 Lost E-Bike Battery 970-769-9939. Reward.

Landscape Services affordable mowing, trimming and construction services, Jon 970-799-4503.

Academic Support Math and science tutoring & college application support. 7th-12th grade. Distancing and masks req. Al McKown 970799-6114.

RSE HandymanService Home maintenance & repair, yard work, odd jobs 970-903-0449.

‘Yesterday’ Imagine there’s no Beatles. It’s easy if you try. This guy did it – Lainie Maxson

Shared waiting area & bathroom. Free: pkg, wifi & util. $550/mo Call/text 970749-2815.

Sustainable Small Community 45 miles from Durango, next to national forest. Private cabins for rent or work exchange. Refs, dep. snowdomeranch@protonmail.com.

ForSale Reruns Home Furnishings Nice selection of décor – Pier One modern mirror, midcentury dresser, carved wooden room divider, bookcases, high bistro table, barstools, nightstands and more. 572 E. 6th Ave. Open Mon.Sat. 385-7336.

RealEstate Lowest Priceson Storage!

Inside/outside storage near Durango and Bayfield. 10-x-20, $130. Outside spots: $65, with discounts available. RJ Mini Storage. 970-259-3494.

Harmony Organizing and Cleaning Services Home and office 970-403-6192.

Marketing Small and Local Businesses Media, social media, website content, SEO, etc. for small, local, independent or startup businesses. Email jnderge@ gmail.com

ForRent Bright & Beautiful Office Space available inside natural health care office. Perfect for body worker or therapist.

telegraph

HaikuMovieReview

Radon Services Free radon testing and consultation.

Call Colorado Radon Abatement and Detection for details. 970- 946-1618.

CommunityService Residents are Reminded to Report Bear/Trash Incidents With bears actively foraging for foods in preparation for hibernation and bear activity picking up, residents are reminded that local bear and trash laws only work when incidents are reported.

City residents can call City Code at 3754930 to report incidents of trash accessed by bears. County residents should call Animal Protection via Central Dispatch at 385-2900. Contact Bear Smart Durango at bp@frontier.net for more information.

The La Plata Family Center has moved to a new home at 495 Florida Road in the lower level of Christ the King Lutheran church. The center is now co-housed with Cafe au Play, and an outdoor play area for 5 years and under is available weekday mornings with parent attendance. The center provides a variety of family support and education programs including resource and referral services. Families with children under 18 years of age are invited to participate in a formal research study to measure the impact of center services and are paid for their time to participate. Please call the center to schedule an appointment or for more information at 970-385-4747.

Free Alzheimer’s Research Webinars The latest advances in finding a cure for Alzheimer’s will be the subject of a free, live webinar series offered by the Alzheimer’s

Association during September. The webinars include: “Advancing the Science: Alzheimer’s and Dementia Research,” 10-11 a.m., Sept. 23; “The 10 Warning Signs of Alzheimer’s Disease,”12 noon-1 p.m. Sept.

2, 6-7:30 p.m. Sept. 15, and 12 noon-1 p.m.

Sept. 24; “Understanding Alzheimer’s and Dementia,” 4-5 p.m. Sept. 10, 3-4 p.m. Sept.

17, and noon-1 p.m. Sept. 30; “Understanding and Responding to Dementia-related Behavior,” 1-2:30 p.m. Sept. 14; “Dementia Conversations,” 11 a.m.-noon, Sept. 16, and 10-11:30 a.m. Sept. 28; “Effective Communication Strategies,” noon-1 p.m. Sept.

8, 1-2:30 p.m. Sept. 18, 4-5 p.m. Sept. 24, and 2-3:30 p.m. Sept. 29; “Healthy Living for Your Brain and Body,” 11 a.m.-12:30 p.m. Sept. 10; 4-5 p.m. Sept. 17 and 1:30-3 p.m., Sept. 25; “Living with Alzheimer’s for Younger-Onset Alzheimer’s,” 10-11:30 a.m.

Sept. 22. To register, click here or call the free Alzheimer’s Association Helpline at 800-272-3900.

NewspaperOrigami A bear

When words don’t do justice.

Add a color photo to your Telegraph classified ad for just $10/week.

(Just like Craigslist ... but a lot less creepy.)

To place your ad, go to www.durangotelegraph.com or email classifieds@durangotelegraph.com

telegraph

Aug.20, 2020 n 23

*Yes, it is fine if you want to take a few for friends, neighbors, family, etc. Just don’t poach the whole stack. That’s lame.

If you need extra papers for fire-starter, Trump Piñatas or makeshift COVID masks, we stock back issues at our racks at the following locations: • The Mayer Building, 679 E. 2nd Ave. • The Durango downtown Post Office • Peerless Tire Or call 970-259-0133 and we’ll hook you up.

24 n Aug. 20, 2020

telegraph