The Durango Telegraph, Dec. 22, 2022

ORIGINAL

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Holiday cheeseball

A new take on the Hallmark shows we all love to hate

Don’t be that guy

Hey, there’s a reason for winter wildlife closures

Merry punkmas ‘Festivus for the Rest of Us’ offers carol antidote

Ear to the ground:

“I hid my gummies so my kids wouldn’t find them, but now I can’t remember where I put them.”

– That’s why they call it dope

Disappearing act

Next week, you won’t see a new Telegraph on the racks, raising some serious questions. Did we shrink further, into complete nothingness? Did people come down from the Front Range to steal all our papers for firing up their stoves to get them through that crazy cold front? Or is this a Mysto the Magi trick?

Unfortunately, it’s not as cool as any of these options. The truth is, one of us is going to New Jersey to spend the holidays with very loud Italians, the other one has no idea what they’re going to do with their newfound free time. Maybe get around to organizing that drawer with all the random wires and cables.

Anyway, we’ll be back in the new year with the Jan. 5 issue. Until then, enjoy the holidays, and in the words of the late, great Leonard Cohen, “May you be surrounded by friends and family, and if this is not your lot, may the blessings find you in your solitude.”

Out with the old

Not to kill your holiday buzz, but seeing as this is the last issue before you (hopefully) throw out your Christmas tree, we gotta talk.

If you’re looking for an eco-friendly, responsible way to discard of your yuletide flora, look no further than the City of Durango’s Christmas tree recycling drop-off at Santa Rita Park.

People can drop off their natural trees –free of ornaments, gnomes and tinsel – at the drop-off site near the playground and river access point. Also, you’ll probably want to make sure your cat isn’t still stuck in there.

You can drop off your tree until Jan. 31. Ultimately, the trees will be recycled into mulch. And, with 25-35 million real trees sold every Christmas in the United States, this is a far better outcome than the landfill.

And, if you’re feeling bummed about the festive lights and decorations coming down, don’t despair. When the holidays wind down, that only means one thing: Snowdown is creeping ever closer…

Drabby New Year

As men do, my brother-in-law and I have spent the last month watching straight-to-streaming Christmas movies together. And one Hanukkah one. Sometimes we let my sister join in, since she’s the one who suggests movies like “Die Hard” and the one where a hitman tries to kill Santa.

We find ourselves vastly underrepresented in these movies. After all, not once in 27 viewings since Thanksgiving did we witness a person who was white, straight and middle-class, with at least one dog AND divorced parents.

I can’t figure out how deceased parents are more Christmas-y than divorced ones. The holiday cinemascape is simply strewn with orphans, semi-orphans, mistakenly presumed-orphans and semi-orphans who are also otters. I counted more of each of these this Christmas than people whose Christmases look like mine.

How exactly could my bro-in-law and I randomly select, with most definitely no guidance from the Netflix algorithm, more movies with a person born out of wedlock (two) than born to married parents who later separated to explore their sexuality with other people (zero)?

We watched more Christmas movies with gay main characters and not just sidekicks (one) than divorced parents. We saw more pairs of Christmas parents who were multi-ethnic (six), who hit on their adult child’s love interest (two), and who were complete absentees (eight or 11, depending on how you count ‘em).

It’s frankly criminal that even someone who looks like me can fail to see himself represented in a single film at Christmas, if you put aside all the visual and cultural aspects of how he looks and focus solely on the parental dynamics. Not one of these flicks deals with a holiday cut in half, where a grown-ass man tries SO HARD not to eat too much at House #1 while also not offending Parent #1 by not eating enough; where that same grown-ass man pretends to each of his parents, just like in childhood, that they got him better gifts than the other parent; and, most importantly, where he can finally act like the extended step-family doesn’t even exist.

Perhaps worse than feeling myself underrepresented, particularly in the offHollywood variety of movies, is feeling myself poorly represented when they finally DO show someone like me. Divorce kids are a rare breed in Christmastown, but writers? Writers outpopulate the elves.

Thumbin’It

La Plata County receiving $1.8M to turn the closed DeNier detention center into a substance-abuse treatment center.

Remember a few months ago when we wondered what the hell happened to Joel’s Bar? Well, it closed and was bought by Ranch/Garage owner Chip Lile who intends to reopen a cocktail bar. For all those who enjoy doing business over a Tom Collins, rejoice!

So long, San Juan Generating Station. The Farmington Daily Times reports that despite efforts to revive the coal plant, it will close for good.

However, these writers are constructed out of Play-Doh, itself constructed of negative stereotypes that make us real flesh-and-blood writers look bad. They wear clean clothes. They make non-zero amounts of money. They have editors who ship them off to romantic wintry locales, and they (the writers, but also the wintry locales) worry more about their “careers” than “making rent.”

Or else the writer just buys an actual literal castle. Now everyone expects that I can buy a castle. Thanks, Christmas.

I cannot buy a castle – not yet! – but I CAN build an entirely new cinematic genre using only words.

Everything from roughly Labor Day to New Year’s Eve is oversaturated. But there is no such thing as a January movie. No film-worthy holidays after the ball drops: just loads of people giving up on a gym membership even though they paid for the year and stuffing their dead tree in the neighbor’s garbage bin on a moonless night.

Post-holidayism, like postmodernism and Post cereal before it, will be drab but real. All of us who fail to see ourselves in transparently flawed but ultimately perfect Christmas rom-com couples can find our niche here: not only divorced parents, but monotonous jobs, oil changes and doctor’s visits with frumpy doctors who we do not later bump into at the cocktail lounge on our Patagonian holiday.

FADE IN:

INT.

SUBURBAN KITCHEN – NIGHT

WE OPEN on a well-used but under-maintained kitchen. A MAN is working on three days’ of stacked-up dishes when his grown DAUGHTER lets herself in the front door with a tower of Tupperware.

SLOANE: I brought you dinner, Dad. Did you see that someone shoveled your car in?

NORBERT: If it’s leftovers from your mother’s house, trash is where it always is.

SLOANE: God, you’ve been divorced for 20 years. When are you going to grow up and get over it? What if these are leftovers I made?

SHE SLIDES the pantry door open and drops the Tupperware in the garbage can.

NORBERT, looking over his shoulder: New jacket? I like it.

SLOANE: No, it’s old, and Mom definitely didn’t give it to me for Christmas.

NORBERT: I hate it. Just like I hate January. It’s drab, but it’s real. January, I mean, but also your jacket. At least this script will make good Oscar bait. That’s more than all those holiday specials can say.

– Zach Hively

SignoftheDownfall:

Reports that people are taking advantage of the cleanup at Purple Cliffs to dump their trash to avoid landfill fees. I’m sure there’s a commentary on the human condition somewhere in this.

A report in The Denver Post that the recent Colorado River conference felt like “Nero fiddling while Rome burned.” A guy who’d only eat dinner with his horse isn’t a great thing to be compared to.

Terry Hall, singer with ska icons The Specials, passing away at 63. As the song goes, “Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.”

Claus-trophobia

This past week, Mitch Allen, who’s the “Head Elf” over at HireSanta.com, said that there has been a 125% increase in demand for Santa Clauses in malls and at Xmas parties.

Meanwhile, Stephan Arnold, who is the president of the International Brotherhood of Real-Bearded Santas (IBRBS), has reported a 30% drop in available Santas because they now are “all a little plump” because of the pandemic and over 60. So yes, you guessed it, we’re now facing a Santa shortage, which means they won’t be able to “sleigh” like they usually do.

Tess

Brad

“Trevor (see below).”

Alex “Donald Trump.”

“My coworker who’s trying to get me into the office next week.”

QChase

“Gavin Newsom”

Trevor

With Santa set to do his thing this weekend, the Telegraph asked: “Who would you like to give a lump of coal to?”

“My wife for making me give back a foster kitty.”

SoapBox D-Tooned/

On loss and grieving

Truths about death and the grieving process:

• Whether your loved one passed from a long, short or painful sickness – or if it’s sudden – death is always a shock. Always.

• Grievers don’t often say, “I’m glad it was quick, so they didn’t suffer.” This statement comes from those around the grieving to try to make death seem like the better option. It’s not, because…

• Death is final. This seems obvious, but it’s never as obvious as when you’re facing it. And that finality is really hard to bear.

• The grieving will have many missing and half-completed conversations with no one to finish them. Being the person to hear those stories is a gift.

• There are signs of the departed’s presence. Keep an eye out. They’re here, I promise.

• Grief lasts forever and will remind you of the person who’s missing and how much you love them.

• You’ll try to pick up the phone or text the departed, which feels cray-cray. You’ll want to share your triumphs and trials with the departed.

• Life as you knew it will never be the same. We don’t really want it to be the same; things will never again be the “way things were.”

• Grief comes in waves. If you can allow it to wash over you rather than push it away, you’ll notice it comes out of nowhere and then passes quickly.

• In the beginning, you’ll find it hard to laugh or smile. Somehow, guilt fades and joy finds its way back to you. When joy comes, attribute it to your loved one. They want you to feel joy.

• Grief doesn’t go away, but you get sort of used to it. Eventually, you’ll notice you’ve made amends with the cruelty of the universe.

• You will remember every nuance, quirk and annoyance your departed had. These will be the things you miss the most. Weird, I know.

• Allow space for healing. Be present. Go slow. Drink tea. Snuggle with pets and inside of warm blankets. Sit quietly. Be in nature.

• Grief requires grace. Some will say truly awful things, because they don’t know how to be with your grief. If it feels right, keep a log of these statements and turn them into a joke. This can be done

by Rob Pudim

as a project with other grieving loved ones.

• Grief isn’t always “sad.” Often, grief is disguised as anger, resentment, frustration, blame, fear, hyperactivity, busyness, avoidance, etc. If it seems unusual, it’s grief.

• There is no appropriate timeline for grief.

• Some of these processes will ring true

for you; some will not. Your grief is yours and is unique, and it’s never wrong.

• A common misconception is grievers don’t know what they need. That’s not true; they need their departed back. Try to intuit what they need rather than ask. Be present for them, and when they know what they need, they won’t have to ask.

– Brooke Smith, Durango

Tsk, tsk

by Jonathan Romeo

At first glance, it looks like good news: last winter, the Bureau of Land Management issued only three citations to people illegally entering areas closed off to protect critical habitat for big game to survive the tough winter months.

Don’t get too excited, however. Throughout last winter, the BLM was down a law enforcement officer, leaving just one ranger to patrol more than 635,000 acres of the agency’s public lands in Southwest Colorado, which includes Archuleta, La Plata, Montezuma, Dolores and western parts of San Miguel counties.

So, needless to say, the big drop in citations was not likely attributed to people respecting the wildlife closure areas. It was more a matter of no one was there to catch them.

“There’s only one of me, and a whole bunch of people recreating,” Tyler Fouss, the aforementioned one law enforcement ranger for the BLM’s Tres Rios office, said. “I’m not going to be able to catch everyone in there.”

Every year, select public lands around Durango critical for wildlife are closed from Dec. 1-April 15. And every year, people walk or bike around closure signs, barricades and locked gates.

With big game already struggling to survive due to habitat loss, disease and the effects of climate change (namely drought), closing off these areas is seen as at least one thing wildlife officials can do to give animals a break during the difficult winter months.

“These seasonal closures work based on the data we collect,” Colorado Parks and Wildlife Area Wildlife Manager Adrian Archuleta said in a statement. “Animals are using these areas longer during critical periods, and it is important they are not responding to all the forms of recreation that put added pressure on them during this critical time.”

Indeed, countless studies have shown all forms of recreation disrupt wildlife, causing them to run off, expend valuable calories and lose time better spent feeding or resting.

“Outdoor recreation is increasingly recognized for its deleterious effects on wildlife,” according to a 2021

study published in Nature Conservation. “Human disturbance on wildlife … can result in altered habitat use, decreased survival and reproduction, and ultimately decreased population.”

Despite the obvious need for the closures, every year people hike, bike or do whatever cool new thing in closure areas. Or, more specifically, every day, as evidenced by foot and bike tracks, Fouss said.

One problem is there are not enough officers to patrol such a vast area. So, officers try to focus their efforts on the most used areas, such as Animas City Mountain, Grandview and Sale Barn. Last year was particularly tough, with one of the two BLM ranger positions vacant.

“Our patrols and time spent in the field were down,” he said. “We just didn’t have enough personnel to cover all the BLM public lands.”

Even at full capacity, two rangers covering more than 600,000 acres of public lands does not seem like a lot, but compared to other BLM offices in the state, it is. In fact, most BLM offices in Colorado only have one ranger for their territory, with Tres Rios, Grand Junction and Canyon City the exceptions with two.

“In a perfect world, we’d have more officers per office,” Fouss said. “But budgets are tight, and until that changes, we just have to prioritize where we patrol.”

CPW also manages wildlife closure areas in Bodo, Perins Peak and Twin Buttes. In a typical year, CPW will issue about 12-18 citations.

“While we know these areas are popular with trail users, well-researched data shows it is also necessary to close them to human activity during the winter months for the sake of wildlife,” CPW Assistant Area Wildlife Manager Steve McClung said in a statement. “There are plenty of other trails in our areas for people to recreate on during the winter months, and we ask the community to respect these closures and the wildlife that depend on these areas.”

Last year, The Durango Telegraph filed a Freedom of Information Act request for all the violations written by the BLM in 2020-21, just to see how weird the explanations got. And it delivered, including one person saying they were “one with nature” and couldn’t possibly disturb wildlife, and others just simply running away from officers when spotted.

Winter wildlife closures are important for big game, yet every year, people come up with some bad excuses for disregarding the closures./ BLM courtesy photo

Another year, another round of bad excuses for violating wildlife closures

So, for the hell of it, we did the same thing this year for citations written in 2021-22. While not as outlandish, there are some entertaining excuses. And, it should be noted, the BLM chooses to cite one ticket for an entire group and implement a reduced fine of $100 instead of $250 for first-time offenders to use it as a learning experience instead of punishment.

“Our goal is not to punish everyone,” Fouss said. “We’d rather have compliance and people doing the right thing. But the point is, this is something we take seriously.”

Without further ado:

• When one typically thinks of the quintessential college spring break, it conjures images of wild parties in Cancun or taking body shots in some gross bar in Daytona Beach. It’s probably fair to say it’s not every sexually charged college boy’s dream to enter a wildlife closure area and get ticketed on a trail in Southwest Colorado.

But, alas, that’s where three Wisconsin spring breakers found themselves March 22 around 3:30 p.m. According to the BLM’s report, an officer on patrol saw the three 19-year-old males enter the west trail on Animas City Mountain. When the officer met up with the group and asked if they had seen the chain barricade, an orange construction fencing, as well as the sign that said “Closed to All Entry” – “all three stated they had.” The group was then issued one $100 citation.

Well, that should be one hell of a story to tell their dormmates when they get back.

• Oh, to be in love and spend your days carelessly sitting underneath a tree, holding hands, kissing and dreaming of the future. What better way to spend an afternoon? Unless, of course, that tree happens to be within a wildlife closure area.

Well, on March 27, the love buzz was killed when two 19- and 18-year-old sweethearts were caught lying under a tree along the east trail within Animas City Mountain.

When the officers asked the couple whether they saw the closure signs, “they stated they did but didn’t think it was a problem, since they didn’t go that far into the closure.”

The Durango couple was issued one $100 citation, and an important life lesson: while cuddling up under a tree is undoubtedly a romantic way to spend an afternoon, it’s not cool in a wildlife closure area. According to a study conducted by The Durango Telegraph at El Rancho, nearly 100% of couples who disturb wildlife split up.

• On April 7, an officer encountered two older gentlemen from Silverton around 3 p.m. hiking in the Big Canyon area within Grandview. Upon questioning, one guy in the group told the officer he didn’t know the area was closed.

“I explained that I observed their foot tracks around the barricade,” the officer wrote in the report.

Further digging himself into a hole, the guy responded by saying, well, he thought the closure only applied to mountain bikers. To which, the officer said, “I explained the signs states ‘Closed to All Entry.’”

The guy’s friend, apparently, saw the jig was up and admitted the pair wanted to take a hike while they were having their car serviced at Durango Motor Co. (the trailhead is right behind the shop). ■

by Alex Vick

Ah, the holidays. For some, it can be days filled with warmth, love and glittered packages bursting out from under a tree. For others, it’s a pious time that should be concerned with observance of the divine. And, for just as many people, it’s a time of loneliness.

For me, the holidays boil down to spending time with loved ones, taking stock of the good in my personal life – as well as the world around me – and a time for reflection and hopeful anticipation of the future. A gift that keeps giving to me and the community is The Hive, a local nonprofit supporting youth through mentorships in the fields of art, music and skateboarding.

“The music, the people – that’s what attracted me to punk,” Trevon Lee, one of the guitarists, said. “It’s just a great community. It’s the community I wish I found sooner.”

Vocalist and bass player Cara Gutierrez said she was attracted to the punk scene, because “it’s the idea of doing whatever you want and not caring what people think on how you live your life or how you look. The community itself is basically a family. Even if you don’t know anyone, you make friends, and they become your family.”

For those without a family – or sense of family – this event might be your chance to find community and start a new tradition this season, as Gutierrez pointed out.

“The holidays, for me personally, are rough, because I don’t have much family,” she said. “I just have my mom and my sister by my side, and I love them a lot. I’m also grateful I have Trevon (guitarist), because now his family is like my family. I feel welcomed and celebrated with them. And, all the friends I’ve made from our shows make the holidays special.”

On Fri., Dec. 23, at 8 p.m., The Hive will put on a holiday event unique to itself: a “Festivus for the Rest of Us” – a tradition pulled from the annals of “Seinfeld.” For those of us on the fringe between being blinded by Christmas neon and sinking into a bout of seasonal depression, this event is for us.

“Festivus for the Rest of Us” kicked off last year, created by a group of Durango locals (and now Front Range residents) in the band Cancelled. Frontman Josh Darien approached me with the idea, and it was a hit. What better place for holiday misfits and outcasts than a punk show? This year, we keep the tradition alive with music from Cancelled, as well as the Mommy Milkers and Bad Fix (from Chinle, Ariz.)

Mommy Milkers hail straight out of Farmington, or, as they affectionately refer to it, “Mad Max Town.” After forming in 2021, Mommy Milkers began crushing shows and quickly gained notoriety within the regional punk scene. They even opened for Gwar in Flagstaff.

The Mommy Milkers hope to release a fulllength album next year. In addition to the amazing talent, the band plays with a high level of professionalism, even though some of them are still teenagers.

Not only do they put on a great and energetic act, they also sprinkle in skits between songs. Gutierrez said being in a band has helped with her own self-expression.

“I can’t talk very well face-to-face,” she said. “Even at shows, when people come up to me, I stutter like crazy and don’t know what to say. But my writing allows me to tell my experiences in a way where people can enjoy the music and still relate. It allows me to not be scared to say what I wanna say.”

So come celebrate the holidays in punk rock fashion, with wailing guitars, pounding bass and heavy-hitting D-beat drums.

The show is just five bucks, and all proceeds benefit bands first and the venue second. Give the gift of supporting local and regional punk rock!

Mommy Milkers

Stuff to Do

Thursday22

Santa & Mrs. Claus Visit the Mountain, 2 p.m., Ski Beach at Purgatory Resort.

Matt Rupnow plays, 5 p.m., Nugget Mountain Bar, 48721 Highway 550.

Bingo Night, 5 p.m., Fenceline Cider, Mancos.

Live music, 5:30 p.m., The Office, 699 Main Ave.

Ben Gibson plays, 5:30-9 p.m., Diamond Belle Saloon, 699 Main Ave.

Pete Giuliani Duo plays, 6-9 p.m., 11th Street Station.

Trivia Night, 6:30 p.m., Powerhouse Science Center, 1333 Camino del Rio.

Friday23

Gary Walker plays, 10 a.m.-12 noon, Jean-Pierre Bakery & Restaurant, 601 Main Ave.

Deadline for “Stuff to Do” submissions is Monday at noon. To submit an item, email: calendar@durangotelegraph.com

Live music, 5:30 p.m., The Office, 699 Main Ave.

Jack Ellis & Larry Carver play, 5:30 p.m., Diamond Belle Saloon, 699 Main Ave.

Starlight Jam Session, 6 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Ecstatic Dance, every Friday, 6:30-8:30 p.m., American Legion, 878 E. 2nd Ave.

Reeder & Spencer play, 6-9 p.m., 11th Street Station.

A Festivus for the Rest of Us, featuring live music by Cancelled, The Mommy Milkers & Bad Fix play, 7:30 p.m., The Hive, 1150 Main Ave.

Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol,” 7:30 p.m., Farmington Civic Center. For tickets and more info visit fmtn.org/shows

Saturday24

Christmas Eve

Live music, 5:30 p.m., Diamond Belle & The Office, 699 Main Ave.

Sunday25

Christmas Day

Feed the People! free mutual aid meal & winter gear drive for homeless community members, every Sunday, 2-4 p.m., Buckley Park.

Monday26

RSVP deadline for Fathers Daughters NYE Bash, 970-385-0420.

Live music, 5:30 p.m., Diamond Belle & The Office, 699 Main Ave.

Happy Hour Yoga, 5:30 p.m., Ska Brewing, 225 Girard St.

Meditation & Stories w/Katherine Barr, 5:30 p.m., Durango Dharma Center, 1800 E. 3rd Ave, Suite 109.

Comedy Showcase, weekly, 7:30 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Tuesday27

Live music, 5 p.m., The Office & Diamond Belle Saloon, 699 Main Ave.

Open Mic Night, 7:30-9:30 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Wednesday28

Ben Gibson plays, 2-4 p.m., Durango Mountain Club, Purgatory Resort.

Live music, 5 p.m., Diamond Belle & The Office, 699 Main Ave.

Paint & Sip Night, 5:30 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Geeks Who Drink Trivia, 8 p.m., The Roost, 128 E. College Dr.

Karaoke Roulette, 8 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Thursday29

Live music, 5 p.m., The Office & Diamond Belle Saloon, 699 Main Ave.

Robin Davis plays, 6-9 p.m., 11th Street Station.

Trivia Night, 6:30 p.m., Powerhouse Science Center, 1333 Camino del Rio.

Friday30

Live music, 5 p.m., The Office & Diamond Belle Saloon, 699 Main Ave.

The Moetones play, 6 p.m., Fenceline Cider, Mancos.

Starlight Jam Session, 6 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Ecstatic Dance, every Friday, 6:30-8:30 p.m., American Legion, 878 E. 2nd Ave.

Sheryl & Beau play, 6-9 p.m., 11th Street Station.

Saturday31

New Year’s Eve

4Corners Riversports Red Hot Relay, 9:30 a.m., Durango Nordic Center. For more info and to register visit Durangonordic.org

New Year’s Eve Torchlight Parade & Fireworks Show, 6 p.m., Purgatory Resort.

Community Yoga, 6-7 p.m., Yoga Durango, 1485 Florida Rd. Donations accepted.

Folk & Hay play, 6 p.m., Fenceline Cider, Mancos.

Salsa Dance Night, 6:30 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Garret Young Collective plays, 6-9 p.m., 11th Street Station.

New Year’s Eve Bash & Grand Opening Soiree, 7 p.m., EsoTerra Ciderworks, 558 Main Ave.

New Year’s Eve Party, featuring live music by Wild Country Band, 8 p.m., Weminuche Woodfire Grill, Vallecito.

New Year’s Eve w/ Genuine Cowhide, 8 p.m., Mancos Brewing Co.

New Year’s Eve Disco Party, featuring DJ Matteo, 8:30 p.m., Animas City Theatre.

Silent Disco, 9 p.m.-11:30 p.m., 11th St. Station.

New Year’s Eve Black Tie Affair, 9:30 p.m., Fathers Daughters Pizza, 640 Main Ave.

New Year’s East Coast Toast, 10 p.m., Carver Brewing Co., 1022 Main Ave.

Sunday01

New Year’s Day

Veterans Benefit Breakfast, 9 a.m., VFW Post 4031, 1550 Main Ave.

Feed the People! free mutual aid meal & winter gear drive for homeless community members, every Sunday, 24 p.m., Buckley Park.

Sunday Funday, featuring games & prizes, 6 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Monday02

Live music, 5 p.m., Diamond Belle & The Office, 699 Main Ave.

Happy Hour Yoga, 5:30 p.m., Ska Brewing, 225 Girard St.

Comedy Showcase, weekly, 7:30 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Tuesday03

Live music, 5 p.m., The Office & Diamond Belle Saloon, 699 Main Ave.

Open Mic Night, 7:30-9:30 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Wednesday04

Live music, 5 p.m., Diamond Belle & The Office, 699 Main Ave.

Paint & Sip Night, 5:30 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Geeks Who Drink Trivia, 8 p.m., The Roost, 128 E. College Dr.

Karaoke Roulette, 8 p.m., Starlight Lounge, 937 Main Ave.

Ongoing

“Life in Small Moments” art exhibit, Dec. 1-March 1, FLC’s Center for Innovation, Durango Main Mall, 835 Main Ave.

Pastische Art Exhibit, featuring seven local women artists, Smiley Café, 1309 E. 3rd Ave. Exhibit runs until Jan. 8.

“Wild Kratts: Ocean Adventure! And Creature Power!” hands on STEM exhibits for children ages 3 to 9, runs until Jan. 7, Farmington Museum, 3041 E. Main St.

The Hive Indoor Skate Park, open skate and skate lessons. For schedule and online waiver, go to www.thehivedgo.org

Upcoming

Free Legal Clinic, Jan. 13, 4-5 p.m., Ignacio Community Library, 470 Goddard Ave.

Michal Menert and Late Night Radio w/Josh Tee plays, Jan. 13, 7 p.m., Animas City Theatre.

A Mac & the Height w/Special Guest plays, Jan. 14, 7 p.m., Animas City Theatre.

Nicki Parrott plays, Jan. 20-21, shows at 5 & 8 p.m., The Lift at Cascade, 50827 Highway 550. Durangocooljazz.com

Magic Beans & Tone Dogs play, Jan. 20, 7 p.m., Animas City Theatre.

Great Decisions: Energy Geopolitics, presentation by Guinn Unger, Jan. 31, 11:45 a.m., Durango Public Library.

E-mail your stuff to: calendar@durangotelegraph.com

FreeWillAstrology

by Rob Brezsny

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Aries author Eric G. Wilson has written a book that I might typically recommend to 40% of the Aries tribe. But in 2023, I will raise that to 80% of you. The title is “How to Be Weird: An Off-Kilter Guide to Living a One-of-a-Kind Life.” According to my analysis of the astrological omens, it will make sense for you to stop making sense on a semi-regular basis. The best way to educate and entertain yourself will be to ask yourself, “What is the most original and imaginative thing I can do right now?

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): One of your potential superpowers is cultivating links between the spiritual and physical worlds. If you develop this talent, you illuminate the ways that eternity permeates the everyday routine. You weave together the sacred and the mundane, so they synergize each other. You understand how practical matters may be infused with archetypal energies and epic themes. I hope you will be doing a lot of this playful work in 2023, Taurus.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Here are fun and useful projects for you to cultivate in 2023: 1. Initiate interesting trends. Don’t follow mediocre trends. 2. Exert buoyant leadership in the groups you are part of. 3. Practice the art of enhancing your concentration by relaxing. 4. Every Sunday at noon, renew your vow to not deceive or lie to yourself during the coming week. 5. Make it your goal to be a fabulous communicator, not just an average one. 6. Cultivate your ability to discern what people are hiding or pretending about.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): In 2023, I hope you will refine and deepen your relationship with your gut instinct. I will be ecstatic if you learn more about the differences between your lucid intuition and the worry-mongering that your pesky demons rustle up. If you attend to these matters – and life will conspire to help you if you do – your rhythm will become dramatically more secure and stable. Your guidance system will serve you better than it ever has. A caveat: Seeking perfection in homing these skills is not necessary. Just do the best you can.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Psychiatrist and author Irvin Yalom wrote, “The question of meaning in life is, as the Buddha thought, not edifying. One must immerse oneself into the river of life and let the

question drift away.” But Holocaust survivor and philosopher Viktor Frankl had a radically different view. He said that a sense of meaning is the single most important thing. That’s what sustains and nourishes us through the years: the feeling that our life has a meaning and that any particular experience has a meaning. I advise you to adopt his approach throughout 2023. You will have unprecedented opportunities to see and know the overarching plan of your destiny, which has been only partially visible to you in the past.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): As a young woman, Virgo-born Ingeborg Rapoport (1912–2017) studied medicine at the University of Hamburg in Germany. But in 1938, the Nazis refused to let her defend her PhD thesis and get her medical degree because of her Jewish ancestry. Seventy-seven years later, she was finally given a chance to finish what she had started. The dean of the school said, “She was absolutely brilliant. Her specific knowledge about the latest developments in medicine was unbelievable.” I expect comparable developments for you in 2023, Virgo. You will receive defining opportunities or invitations that have not been possible before.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Of the 2,200+ humans quoted in a 21st-century edition of Bartlett’s “Familiar Quotations,” 164 are women – a mere 7%! At least that’s more than the four females represented in 1855’s first edition. Let’s take this atrocious injustice as our provocation for your horoscope. In accordance with astrological omens, one of your assignments in 2023 will be to make personal efforts to equalize power among the genders. Here are possible actions: If you’re a woman or nonbinary person, be extra bold and brave as you say what you genuinely think and feel and mean. If you’re a man, foster your skills at listening to women and nonbinary people.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): To prepare you for 2023, I’m offering you wisdom from mythologist Michael Meade. Meade writes: “Becoming a genuine individual requires learning the oppositions within oneself. Those who fail or refuse to face the oppositions within have no choice but to find enemies to project upon. ‘Enemy’ simply means ‘not-friend;’ unless a person deals with the not-friend within, they require enemies around them.”

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “I will always be as difficult as necessary to achieve the best,” declared Sagittarian opera singer Maria Callas (1923–77). Many critics say she was indeed one of the 20th century’s best. The consensus is that she was also a temperamental prima donna. Impresario Rudolf Bing said she was a trial to work with “because she was so much more intelligent. Other artists, you could get around. But Callas you could not get around. She knew exactly what she wanted and why she wanted it.” In your quest for success in 2023, be as “difficult” as Callas was, in the sense of knowing exactly what you want. But please don’t lapse into diva-like behavior.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): To inspire your self-inquiry in 2023, I have chosen a passage from Herman Hesse’s fairy tale, “A Dream Sequence.” It will provide guidance as you dive further than ever before into the precious mysteries in your inner depths. Hesse addressed his “good ardent darkness, the warm cradle of the soul, and lost homeland.” He asked them to open up for him. He wanted them to be fully available to his conscious mind. Hesse said this to his soul: “Just feel your way, soul, just wander about, burrow into the full bath of innocent twilight drives!”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Cardiovascular surgeon Michael DeBakey lived until age 99. He almost died at 97, but was able to capitalize on an invention that he himself had created years before: a polymer resin that could repair or replace aging blood vessels. Surgeons used his technology to return him to health. I am predicting that in 2023, you, too, will derive a number of benefits from your actions in the past. Things you made, projects you nurtured, and ideas you initiated will prove valuable to you as you encounter the challenges and opportunities of the future.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I decided to divine the state of your financial karma. To begin, I swirled a $10 bill through the flame rising from a green candle. Then I sought cosmic auguries in the burn patterns on the bill. The oracle provided bad news and good news. The bad news is that you live on a planet where one-fifth of the population owns much more than four-fifths of the wealth. The good news is that in 2023, you will be in decent shape to move closer to the elite one-fifth. Amazingly, the oracle also suggests that your ability to get richer quicker will increase in direct proportion to your integrity and generosity.

FreeWillAstrology

by Rob Brezsny

ARIES (March 21-April 19): “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor,” writes Aries author Anne Lamott. “It will keep you cramped and insane.” I think that’s a key theme for you to embrace in 2023. Let’s express the idea more positively, too. In Navajo culture, rug weavers intentionally create small imperfections in their work, like odd-colored beads or stray pieces of yarn. This rebellion against unattainable exactitude makes the art more soulful. Relieved of the unrealistic mandate to be flawless, the rug can relax into its beauty.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Here are my four decrees for you in 2023, Taurus. 1. You are cleared to be greedy if it’s in service to a holy cause that fosters others’ well-being as well as yours. 2. It’s permissible to be stubborn, if doing so nourishes versions of truth and goodness that uplift and inspire your community. 3. It’s proper to be slow and gradual, if that’s the best way to keep collaborative projects from becoming slipshod. 4. It’s righteous to be zealous in upholding high standards, even if that causes less diligent people to bail out.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): In 2023, many interesting lessons will arrive via your close relationships and collaborations. You will have the potential to learn more about the art of togetherness than you have in a long time. On occasion, these lessons may initially agitate you. But they will ultimately provide more pleasure and healing than you can imagine right now.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Here are some projects I’d love to see you pursue in 2023: 1. Teach your allies the fine points of how to cherish you but not smother you. 2. Cultivate your natural talent for appreciating the joys of watching and helping things grow: a child, a creative project, a tree, a friendship or your bank account. 3. If you don’t feel close to the family members that fate provided you with, find others you like better. 4. As you explore territories that are further out or deeper within, make sure your Cancerian shell is expandable. 5. Avoid being friends with people who are shallow or callous or way too cool. 6. Cultivate your attraction to people who share your deepest feelings and highest ideals.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Mystic teacher Terence McKenna said, “You have to take seriously the notion that understanding the universe is your responsibility, because the only understanding of the uni-

verse that will be useful to you is your own understanding.” This will be key advice for you in 2023. You will be wise to craft an updated version of your personal philosophy. I suggest you read a lot of smart people’s ideas about the game of life. Make it your quest to commune with interesting minds who stimulate your deep thoughts.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): How should we refer to your romantic adventures in 2023? We could be whimsical and call them “Ritual Mating Dances on the Outskirts of History.” We could be melodramatic and call them “Diving into the Deep, Dark Mysteries in Search of Sexy Treasures.” Or we could be hopeful and call them “A Sacred Pilgrimage to the Frontiers of Intimacy.” I think there’s a good chance that all three titles will turn out to be apt descriptors of the interesting stories ahead of you.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “Coddiwomple” is an English slang word that means to travel resolutely and dynamically toward an as-yet unknown destination. It’s not the same as wandering aimlessly. Rather, one who coddiwomples has a sense of purpose about what’s enjoyable and meaningful. They may not have a predetermined goal, but they know what they need and like. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, the next six months will be an excellent time for you Libras to experiment with coddiwompling.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In the theater of ancient Greece, the term anagnorisis referred to a pivotal moment when a character discovered a big truth they had previously been unaware of. Another Greek word, peripeteia, meant a reversal of circumstances. I bring these fun ideas to your attention, dear Scorpio, because I think 2023 could bring you several instances of an anagnorisis leading to a peripeteia. How would you like them to unfold? Start making plans. You will have uncanny power to determine which precise parts of your life are gifted with these blessings.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):

Winters are cold in Olds, a town in Alberta, Canada. Temperatures plunge as low as 24 degrees below zero Fahrenheit. But an agronomist named Dong Jianyi has built a giant greenhouse there that enables him to grow vegetables year-round. He spends no money on

heat, but relies on innovative insulation to keep the inside warm. In 2021, he grew 29,000 pounds of tomatoes. I propose we make him your inspirational role model for 2023, Sagittarius. My guess is that like him, you will be a wellspring of imaginative resourcefulness. What creative new developments could you generate?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): In accordance with your astrological omens in 2023, I’ve chosen a quote from Capricorn storyteller Michael Meade. I hope you will make it one of your core meditations in the coming months. He writes, “All meaningful change requires a genuine surrender. Yet, to surrender does not simply mean to give up; more to give up one’s usual self and allow something other to enter and redeem the lesser sense of self. In surrendering, we fall to the bottom of our arguments and seek to touch the origin of our lives again. Only then can we see as we were meant to see, from the depth of the psyche where the genius resides, where the seeds of wisdom and purpose were planted before we were born.”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): In addition to my career as a horoscope columnist, I have written novels and other books. I have worked as a singer-songwriter in rock bands and performed a one-person show in theaters. As I survey my history, I always break into sardonic laughter as I contemplate how many businesspeople have advised me, “First, you’ve got to sell out. You’ve got to dumb down your creative efforts so as to make yourself salable. Only later, after you have become successful, can you afford to be true to your deepest artistic principles.” I am very glad I never heeded that terrible counsel, because it would have made me insane and unhappy. How are you doing with this central problem of human life, Aquarius? Are you serving the gods of making money or the gods of doing what you love?

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I’ve chosen a sweet taste of advice for you to keep referring back to in 2023. It’s in rapt alignment with upcoming astrological omens. I suggest you copy my counsel out in longhand on a piece of paper and keep it in your wallet or under your pillow. Here it is, courtesy of author Martha Beck: “The important thing is to tell yourself a life story in which you, the hero, are primarily a problem solver rather than a helpless victim. This is well within your power, whatever fate might have dealt you.”

Interesting fact: Humans share about 60% of our genes with bananas. Also, about 60% with fruit flies. Ergo, fruit flies are made of actual fruit.

Dear Rachel, Caffeine ups your metabolism and helps you burn calories, right? I think that following each cookie, each champagne with a cuppa joe ought to help me burn off the excess and hit the new year fit and trim, if not a little jacked up. Want to join me and expand my sample size to two people?

– Christmas Cheer

Dear Swinging from the Garlands, Nah, because I have another strategy already in place. It’s called “never sit down in one place for more than three minutes all season long, at least while I’m visiting with family.” Nervous fidgeting also burns calories. So does awkward pacing.

– Thanks though, Rachel

Dear Rachel, I feel like I’ve found a glitch in the matrix. I was price comparing blueberries. Two containers, two different prices, same brand. One set was measured by volume, sold by the pint.

The other side was sold by weight, grams/ounces. You cannot compare these prices without knowing the density of blueberries. And you can’t trust the ol’ handweigh test. Is this a sign of a tear in the fabric of spacetime?

–

Feeling Blue

Dear Chuck Berry, This gets to the core of how we understand the universe: are blueberries a liquid or a solid? And if blueberries are in fact a liquid, then am I a liquid too? We famously share most of our DNA with bananas, and blueberries can’t be that far behind. If I am a liquid, then at least I have a ready-made explanation for when I can’t hold myself together.

– Sloshingly, Rachel

Dear Rachel, My brother and I are due for our big annual family fight. I’m an Irish whiskey man, and he’s a Kentucky bourbon fella. Now I could really care less what he drinks, but he gets under my skin acting all superior, and I end up taking the bait every year. Any coping mechanisms besides abstaining from alcohol?

– Fightin’ Words

Email Rachel: telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

Dear Hook, Line, Sinker, It’s I COULDN’T care less. If you COULD care less, that means you care a statistically significant amount. So perhaps you really did mean COULD care less, because you care enough to fight your brother over, what, whether whiskey is spelled with an -ey or a -y? Whether Irish people, or Irish immigrants, make better magic water? I might recommend you down a cup of coffee after every shot to keep your act together. And not an Irish coffee, either.

– Top it off, Rachel

Deadline for Telegraph classified ads is Tuesday at noon. Ads are a bargain at 10 cents a character with a $5 minimum. Even better, ads can now be placed online: durangotelegraph.com. Prepayment is required via cash, credit card or check.

(Sorry, no refunds or substitutions.) Ads can be submitted via: n www.durangotelegraph.com n classifieds@durango telegraph.com n 970-259-0133 n 679 E. 2nd Ave., #E2

Approximate office hours:

Mon-Wed: 9ish - 5ish

Thurs: On delivery

Fri: Gone fishing; call first

Announcements

Mind Body Spirit Fair

VFW Durango, Jan 21 & Apr 22. 105. Looking for holistic healers, readers, healing products, chair massage, etc.  CJ Marten weipcj@gmail.com

Lost/Found

Please Return:

To the Grinch who stole my mail from my front porch: Please return the wood bread board handmade by my great-great-grandfather, a family heirloom. May your heart grow 3 sizes today.

Classes/Workshops

The full-time position is in the Lower Elementary Classroom, working with 1st and 2nd graders. Contact the Director at director@durangomontessori.com for more information.

CommercialforRent

1100-sf Office/Retail Space

in Bodo Park Ground floor with open-front floor plan & back-of-house space + 1/2 bath & kitchenette. Wheelchair access ramp & on-site parking. Short- or long-term lease avail. $1600 a month. 970-799-3732

Wanted

Cash for Vehicles, Copper, Alum, Etc. at RJ Metal Recycle. Also free appliance and other metal drop off. 970-259-3494.

Free

Three

Sweet Indoor Cats

Need a new home because their owner passed away unexpectedly. Ideal home has no dogs and someone who is home often. Please call if you can take one or all. 970-903-8058.

dish/glassware – great for entertaining. Retro cocktail glasses and decanters, Crat & Barrel dishes, etc. … 572 E. 6th Ave. Open Mon.-Sat. 385-7336.

HaikuMovieReview

‘A Christmas Story Christmas’ 40 years later a new Xmas tale, and wow, Scut Farkus aged well

– Lainie Maxson

spots: $65, with discounts available. RJ Mini Storage. 970-259-3494.

Fine Wood Breakfront

153 ½”x89” hand-crafted fine wood breakfront. $2,500. Call Bob at 973454-5551 to receive spec sheets.

Is it Your Mission to Help People?

Recalibrate Commitment to Self

4 week intensive to help you identify deeper body challenges, Empower yourself, create new habits. Jan 2-23rd, 2023. Call 970-799-8950, email char lotte_lenssen@yahoo.com

HelpWanted

Americorps Vista Position

Southwest Conservation Corps seeks a VISTA to assist with creating a new host-home model in the Four Corners region. Full position details at: https://my. americorps.gov/mp/listing/viewListing. do?fromSearch=true&id=115497.

Durango Montessori is Hiring!!

Durango Montessori School is hiring an Assistant Teacher starting Jan. 2nd.

ForSale

Kawai QX100 Electronic Keyboard

Your dad was wrong – you can still make it as a musician. Kawai QX100 electronic keyboard for $100 OBO. Comes with owner’s manual, no adaptor. Can be used with AC adaptor or six size C batteries. j.marie.pace@gmail.com

Gordon Smith FibreFlex Longboard

A classic – sweet, smooth ride for cushy cruising. Been around the block but still in great shape. 42” long. $50 Text: 970-749-2595.

Reruns Home Furnishings

Warm up your space with quality pre-owned furniture and décor. Vintage

Crusher Fat Bike

2015 Sun Bicycles 7-speed, in exc. condition. Barely ridden with maybe 20 miles on it. MSRP: $530, asking: $450, firm. 970-903-0005.

Services

Western Skies Counseling

@ 28th & Main, Durango 1. Nancy Raffaele, MA, LPCC, NCC-adults/selfpay/sliding scale fee/call or text (970) 799-2202 and 2. Joseph F. Prekup, MS, LPC- young adults & adults/selfpay/call or text (970) 281-5550

Harmony Cleaning and Organizing Residential, offices, commercial and vacation rentals, 970-403-6192.

Lowest Prices on Storage!

Inside/outside storage near Durango and Bayfield. 10-x-20, $130. Outside

We’re aware of the multiple issues folks face around here & are crazily motivated to help! We do that by writing: success stories, blog posts, exec. summaries, white papers, emails, grant applications, website content, training docs, press releases, & more. We also offer graphic & website design & audits. We are enthusiastic & all about effectiveness. Let’s work together - helping people - by providing YOUR solutions. Check us out at www.cwjohnlcox.com Contact: 970.844.0535 or johnandliz ziecopywriters@gmail.com.

BodyWork

Massage/Facial Special Package expires 1/1/23. Buy 4 get the 5th free. Can use for gifts. 28th & Main, Durango. Free parking. Competitive rates. Call or text Nancy (970)799-2202

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Massage by Meg Bush LMT, 30, 60 & 90 min., 970-7590199.