SEAGULLNEWS Today, we’re just wingin’ it
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J_ffk ]fi k_\ dffe kf Ôo ^ifnk_ `jjl\ 9p 8e[i\n =i`\[^\e K_\ ^`e^\i We all know that FGCU is a fast-growing university. With higher amounts of students comes stress on programs, but more importantly, we simply do not have enough building space to accommodate all of the brilliant minds here. The answer? Simple. FGCU needs a space program to take us to the moon. It’s cost effective, efficient, and most importantly, it makes us feel like we’re better than we actually are. Guys, imagine all the chicks you’ll get when you can move a boulder. Girls, imagine all the attention you’ll get with your low-gravity
boobs. I propose a fund to be opened so that FGCU students will be on the moon by Fall 2012. By that time, I hope basic infrastructure will be established. Academic buildings will be present, dorms will be built, and C3 can charge even more for moonenergy drinks. In accordance with FGCU policy, a certain percentage of the moon’s barren surface will be set aside for environmental protection. Plus, for the eco-minded students, we can just throw our trash at the sky and watch it float away. Who cares about space pollution? The grand daddy of it all is that we can finally have our football program. Just imagine
all the aspects of regular football except on the moon. Floating cheerleaders and runaway helmets will only be the beginning of our dominance over whoever has enough balls to come to our moon stronghold and challenge us. Alas, there is always the issue of funding. How will this expansion be funded? I suggest selling off FGCU’s nuclear stockpile to desperate developing countries begging to make the world powers take them seriously. According to President Rickshaw, FGCU currently has about 147 nuclear bombs in storage in addition to 22 Inter Continental Ballistic Missiles (ICBMs), enough to
start (and end) a war with most countries in the world. “We bought them off the Russian black market at wholesale price in ‘99,” said Rickshaw, adding “We never really had a use for them, but their value has gone up and you know what? This moon idea doesn’t sound so bad.” The moon solution, while not without its faults, is perhaps one of the most efficient ways to solve FGCU’s expansion problem. It only requires the support of YOU — the students who, time after time, have proven your wisdom in regards to many other issues at FGCU. So get the word out there — we want to go to the moon!
DXe _`i\[ kf b`Zb flk Y`^ ZXdglj Y\\ gifYc\d 9p BXk`\ JXikfi`j K_\ _flj\ >c\\b John Norris, a selfproclaimed “bee hunter,” has been hired to take care of the bee infestation on campus. Norris will be here during May moving the bees from populated areas to various hives he will place deep in the woods of FGCU. A rugged-looking man, Norris sports a thick, dark beard. He has one outfit that he wears daily. It includes a 1980s-style black leather vest and nothing underneath it but thick, dark chest hair. He wears just one black, leather fingerless glove on his left <E @ccljkiXk`fe&<cc`fk KXpcfi hand, a sterling silver bee K_\ ZXdglj Ylqq `j k_Xk Af_e Efii`j `j k_\ G`\[ G`g\i f] Y\\j% pendant around his neck, a pair of form-fitting acidwash jeans and brown leather garb, but still has a semi- 18,” Norris said, clenching his pointy-toed boots with raised exposed chest and completely left fist and staring off into the distance. “I had a thousand bee designs on them. When exposed arms. “I’m a bee hunter for bees on me — some were even he’s on the job, though, he adds protective beekeeping a reason, ya know; I was caught in my chest hair; I got headgear to his everyday swarmed by bees when I was stung 17 times.”
Since then, he’s been catching and relocating problem bees. His company, Bee Catchin’ Inc., has been in business since spring 1993, around the same time “Walker, Texas Ranger” first aired, he said. “Those little buzzers ain’t gonna swarm no co-eds while I’m here,” he said, smirking, as he fondled the bee pendant hanging from his neck. Norris’ voice is a deep, bellowing one that commands attention — from bees, he said. “I have a special gift,” he said. He looked from side to side, then leaned forward and whispered: “When I talk, the bees listen.” Norris plans to direct the bees back into the woods of the campus using his voice. When asked about a relationship to the “Walker Texas Ranger” star, Chuck Norris, the bee hunter replied: “He’s a distant cousin.”
CfZb Xe[ cfX[1 Jkl[\ekj g\id`kk\[ kf kfk\ n\Xgfej _\i\ 9p JXdXek_X C\X^l\ 9\[i`[[\e Zfii\jgfe[\ek FGCU students no longer need to be concerned about their safety on campus: SG senate passed a resolution Tuesday allowing those with semi-automatic and machine gun permits to bring their weapons on campus. “Due to several gun-related
incidents on college campuses over the last decade, and due to the fact that the current Legislature directly denies Second Amendment rights to bear arms, we support this new amendment to allow those with concealed weapons permits and machine gun permits to bring their weapons on campus,” the bill reads. The addition of the machine
gun permit stems from the Florida Legislature, which decided to include that licensing in a proposed amendment in an effort to not discriminate against any types of automatic firearms and to ensure utmost safety for students. “If we honor concealed weapons permits, we need to honor machine gun permits as well,” Sen. Nevers said.
“Tension is already rising with the smoking ban, the record-breaking crowds of students attending basketball games and the arrival of Chick Fil-A in the fall. UPD is already in the process of obtaining machine guns in case bullets start flying. “We’re really just trying to keep up with Florida.’s standards,” said Dim Kiaz, FGCU Student Body president.
In an effort to capture elusive school spirit, FGCU has added a number of highprofile sports to its repertoire. Among them are: Quidditch, darts, monkey in the middle, duck duck goose, musical chairs, tether ball, badminton, cornhole, pin the tail on Azul, juggling, Shake Weight competitions, hungry hungry hippos and hide and seek. Athletic Director Ben Davanhall expects cape-wearing wizards on campus to be drawn to quidditch, a physical sport played in the sky on brooms. “Well we saw what Harry Potter did for Hogwarts, an institution that compares favorably as far as facilities to FGCU,” Davanhall said. “We only hope that Lord Voldermort won’t come in and rain on the parade.” Junior muggle Norm F. Finkelstein III feels he has the skills to catch the golden snitch and the girl of his dreams. “I’m really skilled with my broom and wand,” Finkelstein said. “I only hope to meet someone as gorgeous as Hermione Granger when I win the Tri-Wizard Tournament.” Davanhall believes bringing in childhood favorites like monkey in the middle, duck duck goose and tetherball will unleash the giddiness in all of us. “It will be the closest thing to recess that we can offer,” Davanhall said. “Also, unlike recess in middle school, there will be no fat, rosy-cheeked bully demanding students’ lunch money to distract from the fun.” Finkelstein, who weighs a cut 98 pounds and claims protein is irrelevant in packing on muscle, plans on walking on to the Shake Weight team. “I’ve gotten really jacked already by shaking the tiny weight in my dorm,” Finkelstein said. “My forearm veins are coming in.”
Food grows on the lawn 9p JXiX >fkknXcc\j K_\ ZfXZ_ “Here is a recipe of my own making: a soy burger infused with pineapple, passion fruit, and Gorgonzola cheese. Jillanne loves it!” said President Rickshaw upon opening the lid on his hibachi grill in the “Fend for Yourself Kitchen.” The new open-air kitchen is equipped with 100 hibachi grills, 50 solar stoves and every gadget imaginable. “It’s a battle we’re not going to fight anymore. We can’t decide what companies to bring in for dining, so we’re just having a free-for-al,.” said Dr. Kiszkiel of Conspiracies and Questioning Eyebrow studies. The library lawn has been transformed into an enourmous garden. From your basic carrots and strawberries, to romanescu and starfruit, Eagle Eden accommodates the perfect meal. Even soybeans! The recreation fields have become livestock areas for on-site butchering. (Courses are available Mondays from 10 p.m. to 4 a.m.) “We are truly a self-sustaining university now. We’re growing crops, raising our own livestock — using only what we need,” said Dr. Mattingly of Irish traditions and Silly Limericks, overlooking the library lake rice patty. Not everyone is so thrilled. “Well, I like ... think it’s totally bad. Like … now I’ll have to cook or something. I so can’t do that. So, um, I don’t think its good. We should like not have food on FGCU,” said Airee Hed. But others are pumped. “This will be awesome! I’m an awesome cook! I’ll be able to make all these awesome dishes for my buds, and they will see how awesome I am! This idea is great!” said Beau Teafulmann.