The Auctioneer – a poem by Darrell Simpson

The Auctioneer

– Darrell Simpson

My name’s Peter announced the auctioneer, It’s great to see so many bidders gathered here To compete for such a fine property this sunny day, I’ll summarise its salient points before we get underway.

An architect-designed renovation for its four-bedroom interior, All class in its gold fittings, nothing’s inferior, Presented to you in dearly loved perfect condition And capturing the light from its corner position.

I’ll read you the Government regulations before we begin Only I can vendor bid, for anyone else it’s a sin, And no late bidding after the hammer falls So bid strongly and harken to my calls.

Now who’ll be brave and make the first bid? If someone else does you’ll be sorry they did. Call me a million cried the auctioneer It’d be a steal at that, not at all dear.

Give me your bid, just one million please Was that a bid, or just a branch waving in the trees? Nothing doing? Then I’ll make a vendor bid To get us underway while you keep your hands hid.

I have it now, it’s one point one We’ve got momentum, we’re past the ton, I’ll go again vendor bid one point two Come with me sir, it’s now up to you.

More bids coming, so thick and so fast Not a thousand, sir, keep it for last Keep bidding sir, keep your chances alive Finally we have reached one point five.

I’ll give it three calls before it’s knocked down To the luckiest couple here in this town. Nothing more? I’ll refer the bid to the vendor I know he was hoping for something more.

Well the vendor says meet the market and sell Any more bids after you’ve had that short spell? What’s that, fresh blood far on my right You’ve left it late sir, but you’re still in the fight. Against you now madam, here on my left Try another bid lest you remain bereft Remember the golden rule; position, position, position You’ll never buy a better house in this condition. Keep bidding, I’m calling fast and excited Raise your hand up higher, don’t be unsighted.

Please give me one more bid, that might be his last He’s slowed down, he’s not bidding so fast. Are you out sir? You’re shaking you head the wrong way, Another thousand may be all you need pay.

No?, well thanks for your bidding, he’ll get the keys What a lovely auction here under the trees. Don’t be sorry tomorrow, are you all done? I’m knocking it down now – going, going, gone!

Congratulations to the young couple, give them a cheer, And thanks for your bidding, those gathered here, Another record price, the market is strong, In buying real estate, you can’t go wrong.