BAD ADVICE Ask the Expat 44SPORT From Chris Wright.

Health BAD ADVICE... Ask the Expat

Not all advice is good and not all people are as genuine as you may think. Enjoy our 'bad advice' column from the expert we have all met, know and love... the Expat. CTT INCREASES THE PRICE OF REGULAR AND REGISTERED POST!

This month, in our ‘Spoof’ we are speaking about the new mail merge between Publicar Portugal, the Algarvian postal system and your favourite companies that you love to hate, DDT Discharge International and Fermes. You might never receive a package ever again! Unfortunately, the DDT website only has broken links and no contact numbers. The one given was actually for an Aquarium in Porto, they were not happy their number was advertised incorrectly. They revealed their lawyer is on the case against publicar and we were asked to never call their shop again! It is making their staff unwell being screamed at by angry ExPats and the fish might not be fed ever again. The only other choice was a chat room link, and so the search for a 'customer service representative' began. We write into the clumsy chat application: "Hi Virtual ChatBot", can you help us" and the bot says no, not unless you select from one of 20 options. One hour later: the chat seems to connect and patch us through, then it disconnects. Eventually it recommends calling the service centre where we listen to Fado music for an hour until the phone disconnects again. The feedback and distortion of the wailing music nearly burst our eardrums. Despite being repeatedly told we would be answered shortly, the phone line was never answered and we, once again, returned to the 'help and chat room'! Two hours later: Hello this is Guntrip. Can I help you? Expat: Thanks Guntrip! Finally, it is good to speak to someone! We would like to see what your postal merger will mean for our readers in the Algarve in Portugal. Ten minutes of debate follows, of thinking we are in India and then being told 'the Algarve is in Africa' the computer in the end says “no, your postcode does not exist”. We were cut off three more times, after ranting and raving at them, our request was escalated. A mere four days later, a public relations representative actually gets in touch with us! Expat: Thanks for speaking to us from Public Relations! We simply would like to know will your merger improve postal services for our ExPats? PR Rep: We would like to say certainly! But we are sure it will not! Our aim is zero carbon emissions, despite our smokily degenerative vehicle fleet. We recommend for senders to take a photo JPeg of the item to serve as a souvenir, as it is likely to be the last time it will ever be seen. Forwarding with our green agenda, we hope our services dissuade anyone from using our national - meets private service. Expat: This does not sound helpful at all! Our readers are often talking about how difficult it is to send and receive items, especially to countries outside the EU. PR Rep: Oh don't worry! We can assure you that it is not only non-EU countries that rarely receive mail without an ordeal, but that all customers will face an onslaught of difficulty. It is true, to send a postcard to Britain, Canada or say the US, now requires fifty forms which we refuse to translate. Our illiterate workers will be sure to find an error on these forms, without being able to evidence it! Even if custom duty is paid, we will demand another non-refundable payment and ensure afterwards that the item cannot be located! (Laughs): If you will, our Room 101 will become an archive of never received and unlocatable items! Our workers' favourite packages are designer clothes, luxury gifts and other items they unpack! Expat: It seems you take pride in an appalling service. Why is this? PR Rep: Indeed, we hate whiny customers who expect packages! We have all sorts of fun tricks to prolong the agony of delivery. For example, we say something is out for delivery! Of-course it isn't! You could camp out all day in the front garden and the driver will say you were not in, or there was a problem with your address! Our drivers also get non-refundable commissions for redeliveries! You can pay a lot and never actually receive your package. Expat: And you take pride in this? PR Rep: Absolutely! It is like our public offices! Our employees have the typing speed of three words a minute. If, by some miracle, there are no endless queues of customers, an actor will come from the line and talk for an hour about their life to the representative. If you get cross, the representative will shut the kiosk immediately! It delights us to not know anything about the postal service. We insist our grumpy and belligerent staff never give satisfactory answers! It is a hoot! Portugal may be one of the safest countries in the world, but our shops need bulletproof glass! (Chuckles). Expat: But your website, however rubbish, says you work with international partners! PR Rep: Oh we do! Sometimes we send our customers in the Algarve to Spain to the sorting houses! Of course their post isn't there and they look at them like they are insane too! These are international companies, but we have chosen only the ones guaranteed to give you maximum stress. And then if you ring one of our customer service lines, they are taught the tricks of the trade, to say they cannot hear you and to hang up on a crackly phone line. If anyone ever gets fresh with us, be assured your address is entered into our shitlist and your address will never be found again! Expat: And if we don't want to use your service? PR Rep: Oh well, too bad! Enlist an expensive private courier! We work with the Government for maximum paperwork, so good luck with that! If you truly cared about the planet you wouldn't post at all. Actually scrap that! There are too many items we like to receive in our depot, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I like your voice, you sound cute… What's your inner leg measurement? Oh, go on.. Tell me cheeky!

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MON - SAT 09.00H - 19.00H All year Travessa Zacarias Guerreiro No16, Tavira Tel +351 281 023 636 Mob +351 964 888 810 or 913 999 906 Email: rbcabeleireiros@gmail.com Rui Barros Cabeleireiros e Estetica

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Book for a free consultation, 18 Rua Guilherme Gomes Fernandes 800-669 Tavira. Tel 910 944 437 www.foryourbrowsonly.com

NURSING CARE Here when you need us

The family-run Amesbury Abbey Group off ers an elegant retirement in country house style at Monte da Palhagueira.

For those who are looking for the reassurance of constant professional care, our nursing care may be the way forward. Alongside all the benefi ts of residential care, our nursing care adds the additional security of 24-hour care provision from qualifi ed nursing professionals. Our team spend a lot of time getting to know each resident as an individual, learning their preferences and understanding their concerns, working hand in hand with GPs and other associated care professionals to provide outstanding personalised nursing care. Our exceptional care team treat all our residents with respect, dignity and friendship, and our nursing home has a warm, family atmosphere. Each individual aspect of our nursing care is designed to give our residents the best possible quality of life and the highest standards of 24-hour care.

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Olhanense celebrate with goalscorer Xavi (10)

MONSOON MAYHEM

Brought to you by Chris Wright

Monsoon conditions towards the end of the game

Several hundred Belenenses supporters made the journey to Olhão for the opening game of Phase Two and enjoyed the hospitality of the home club as fans chatted about their clubs’ historic past. Only ten years ago Olhanense finished eighth in the Premeira Liga and reached the quarter-finals of the Portugal Cup whilst Belenenses won the Primeira Liga title in 1945–46 and were relegated from the Primeira Liga for the first time in 1981–82. Four years ago CF Os Belenenses (Club) and Belenenses SAD (limited liability sports company) went their separate ways, as the "Protocol on the use of Estádio do Restelo '' ended and the SAD refused to negotiate a new contract. So from the 2018–19 season, Belenenses SAD (professional team) play their Primeira Liga home games at Estádio Nacional, whereas CF os Belenenses registered an amateur team in 1ª Divisão Distrital de Lisboa, the equivalent to the Sixth Division (lowest Portuguese division). Subsequently, the professional team saw home attendances of only a few hundred, whereas the new amateur team clocked up gates of approximately 5,000. On a wet, blustery day at the José Arcanjo Stadium both teams knew the importance of a good start and showed their attacking intent from the off. Midway through the first period the Olhanense were awarded a penalty for handball and top scorer Xavi calmly stepped up to send keeper, Marcelo Valverde, the wrong way. The swirling wind nearly helped the home side to a second goal when Leandro’s long range effort was brilliantly saved by Valverde who then managed to recover before the ball crossed the line. A minute before the break Belenenses drew level when Ruben Araujo’s speculative shot squirmed under the diving body of Ricardo Galli; the Olhanense custodian will surely feel he should have done better. The second-half was an anti-climax and when, fifteen minutes from time, a cloudburst turned the José Arcanjo pitch into a ‘waterpark’ both sides were happy to settle for a point.

ANGUISH IN THE AZORES

The long trip to Praia da Vitória, on the island of Terceira, to play GD Fontinhas resulted in a 2-1 defeat for the Moncarapacho team. Adeilton Cruz gave the home side the lead on sixteen minutes, but the visitors clawed their way back into the game when Paulo Matos slotted home in the 73rd minute. Five minutes later the islanders were back in front when Princebell Addico scored from the penalty spot. Any hope Moncarapachense had of salvaging a point disappeared five minutes from time when André Dias picked up a straight red card.

FORTHCOMING HOME FIXTURES

3rd April: Moncaraphense – Sertanense FC 10th April: Olhanense – GD Fontinhas 16th April: Olhanense – Moncaraphense 24th April: Moncarapachense – Os Belenenses 1st May: Moncaraphense – GD Fontinhas Moncarapachense play at the Estádio da Torrinha, Rua das Olarias (off the high street), Moncarapacho Olhanense SC, José Arcanjo Stadium (behind McDonald's on the EN125), Olhão

Moncaraphense and Olhanense drew 1-1 in early March as both teams qualified for the Phase 2 play-offs

MONCARAPHENSE AND OLHANENSE BATTLE FOR PROMOTION

Back in September last year sixty teams, subdivided into six leagues, set out to gain promotion from the Campeonato de Portugal (level 4). After Phase One that number has been whittled down to twelve in two divisions of six. The top two from each will gain promotion to Liga 3. In Phase One it was Olhanense who took top spot in Serie ‘F’, three points ahead of Moncarapachense. The two local rivals have been joined by Os Belenenses (Belém, Lisbon); Pêro Pinheiro (Sintra); GD Fontinas (Azores) and Sertanense (Sertã, Castelo Branco).

2021 ALGARVE INTERLEAGUE CHAMPIONS

Tavira Golf Club Team members gathered on the beautiful rooftop bar at Quasi’s in Cabanas to celebrate their historic winning of the Division 1 championship of the Algarve interleague 2021. Having achieved promotion to Division 1 in 2018 under the team captaincy of long serving member Les Emery, the entire club was delighted and proud to receive the trophy for the first time, with John Scott as team captain. Congratulations and well done to all 23 members who participated in this memorable achievement and Boa Sorte for 2022!

SPANISH OPPONENTS WELCOMED IN TAVIRA

East Algarve Football Club gave a very warm welcome to a visiting group from Estepona on the Costa del Sol. A series of games kicked-off with a lively and action packed game for the veterans (over 35s) with the home side taking the honours 1-0. Without some spectacular goalkeeping heroics the score would have been considerably higher. The super-vets (over 50s) were next to show their skills with EAFC starting brightly against a skilful Estepona side who finished the stronger winning 4-1. The second day’s action got underway with a slight mixing up of the over 35s teams due to a few Estepona injuries, aching limbs, or even too much beer on the Saturday night! A few over 50s joined the younger players and the two evenly matched teams played out a high-scoring 4-4 thriller. To round off the weekend action EAFC Super-vets were hoping to restore some pride. The first-half was full of incident and action, but Estepona had the edge in the second half to claim a 3-1 victory. A most successful weekend both on-and-off the pitch with reciprocal visits already in the planning stage.

Anna (left) thanks members of EAWF for their support

SUPPORT FOR UKRAINE

Over €800 worth of essential supplies have been donated by East Algarve Walking Football to collection centres in Olhão and Tavira. A relief convoy left Tavira on the 15th March and a similar convoy left Olhão a week later. Anna, who is Ukrainian and lives in Tavira, said that they have already found accommodation for several refugees and families from the war zone. If anyone has short term accommodation and/or rooms available please contact her on 925 932 215

LET'S GET PHYSICAL!

Rui Teixeira has a challenge for you, it's time to change your life! This is your chance to win 2 months of one-on-one sessions with one of the Algarve’s best personal trainers, but first it's time to lose some weight!

Have you ever made that New Year's resolution to lose weight, only to fail after a few weeks? Or vowed to get 'THAT' summer body you've seen on Instagram, but come July you're still not in shape? Well, now is the time to commit to transforming your health and fitness for the rest of your life. BUT HOW? - It's simple! Meet Rui Teixeira, one of the Algarve's best personal trainers with 15 years of experience and he's right here in Tavira. A specialist in fat loss and complete body transformations, Rui knows just how to get you into shape - all you need to do is put in the work! Rui is an ex army Sergeant and bodybuilder who spent four years competing on stage as a Men's Physique athlete so he has all the tips and tricks to make sure you meet and surpass your goals.

Hi Rui - you’ve been a PT at Hitio gym since it opened in 2019 and training elsewhere for 15 years, how many people have you helped lose weight and transform their lives?

Wow, what a difficult question! I’ve helped hundreds of people over the years in Portugal and even other countries. If I had to put a number on the amount of people I've actually helped reach their goals I’d say around 500.

That's an amazing amount of people, how do you do it?

Well everyone is different, but the fundamental points of losing weight are Nutrition, Training and Rest. You can do the hardest training session ever made by the best trainer in the world, but if you get home and eat terribly and don’t rest well you will not meet your goals.

So nutrition is very important, what do you recommend for people to do?

First, I always recommend speaking to a professional nutritionist about you and your body, but if we reduce carbs, sugars and fats that is a simple way to start.

And what about training?

I recommend you work as closely as you can to a professional trainer, it depends on your financial situation, but it's an investment in your health. If you can’t afford one-on-one sessions with a PT at Hitio, we offer free evaluations with a training plan personalised to you and we always have PT’s on the floor to help you with your workouts.

SO HOW CAN YOU WIN THIS AMAZING PRIZE?

Hitio Gym is offering an amazing campaign where you can win 2 oneon-one sessions a week with me for two months to build your body and be the best version of yourself to date! The aim is to lose the most amount of body fat percentage throughout the month of May, on the first of the month we will check your body fat percentage and again at the end of the month, whoever loses the most wins! Everyone is welcome to join the challenge, you just have to join the gym, get your free evaluation done and start training.