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BAD ADVICE...
Ask the
Expat
Not all advice is good and not all people are as genuine as you may think. Enjoy our 'bad advice' column from the expert we have all met, know and love... the Expat.
CTT INCREASES THE PRICE OF REGULAR AND REGISTERED POST!
T
his month, in our ‘Spoof’ we are speaking about the new mail merge between Publicar Portugal, the Algarvian postal system and your favourite companies that you love to hate, DDT Discharge International and Fermes. You might never receive a package ever again! Unfortunately, the DDT website only has broken links and no contact numbers. The one given was actually for an Aquarium in Porto, they were not happy their number was advertised incorrectly. They revealed their lawyer is on the case against publicar and we were asked to never call their shop again! It is making their staff unwell being screamed at by angry ExPats and the fish might not be fed ever again. The only other choice was a chat room link, and so the search for a 'customer service representative' began. We write into the clumsy chat application: "Hi Virtual ChatBot", can you help us" and the bot says no, not unless you select from one of 20 options. One hour later: the chat seems to connect and patch us through, then it disconnects. Eventually it recommends calling the service centre where we listen to Fado music for an hour until the phone disconnects again. The feedback and distortion of the wailing music nearly burst our eardrums. Despite being repeatedly told we would be answered shortly, the phone line was never answered and we, once again, returned to the 'help and chat room'! Two hours later: Hello this is Guntrip. Can I help you? Expat: Thanks Guntrip! Finally, it is good to speak to someone! We would like to see what your postal merger will mean for our readers in the Algarve in Portugal. Ten minutes of debate follows, of thinking we are in India and then being told 'the Algarve is in Africa' the computer in the end says “no, your postcode does not exist”. We were cut off three more times, after ranting and
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raving at them, our request was escalated. A mere four days later, a public relations representative actually gets in touch with us! Expat: Thanks for speaking to us from Public Relations! We simply would like to know will your merger improve postal services for our ExPats? PR Rep: We would like to say certainly! But we are sure it will not! Our aim is zero carbon emissions, despite our smokily degenerative vehicle fleet. We recommend for senders to take a photo JPeg of the item to serve as a souvenir, as it is likely to be the last time it will ever be seen. Forwarding with our green agenda, we hope our services dissuade anyone from using our national - meets private service. Expat: This does not sound helpful at all! Our readers are often talking about how difficult it is to send and receive items, especially to countries outside the EU. PR Rep: Oh don't worry! We can assure you that it is not only non-EU countries that rarely receive mail without an ordeal, but that all customers will face an onslaught of difficulty. It is true, to send a postcard to Britain, Canada or say the US, now requires fifty forms which we refuse to translate. Our illiterate workers will be sure to find an error on these forms, without being able to evidence it! Even if custom duty is paid, we will demand another non-refundable payment and ensure afterwards that the item cannot be located! (Laughs): If you will, our Room 101 will become an archive of never received and unlocatable items! Our workers' favourite packages are designer clothes, luxury gifts and other items they unpack! Expat: It seems you take pride in an appalling service. Why is this? PR Rep: Indeed, we hate whiny customers who expect packages! We have all sorts of fun tricks to prolong the agony of delivery. For example, we say something is out for delivery! Of-course it isn't! You could camp out all day in the front garden and the driver will say you were not
in, or there was a problem with your address! Our drivers also get non-refundable commissions for redeliveries! You can pay a lot and never actually receive your package. Expat: And you take pride in this? PR Rep: Absolutely! It is like our public offices! Our employees have the typing speed of three words a minute. If, by some miracle, there are no endless queues of customers, an actor will come from the line and talk for an hour about their life to the representative. If you get cross, the representative will shut the kiosk immediately! It delights us to not know anything about the postal service. We insist our grumpy and belligerent staff never give satisfactory answers! It is a hoot! Portugal may be one of the safest countries in the world, but our shops need bulletproof glass! (Chuckles). Expat: But your website, however rubbish, says you work with international partners! PR Rep: Oh we do! Sometimes we send our customers in the Algarve to Spain to the sorting houses! Of course their post isn't there and they look at them like they are insane too! These are international companies, but we have chosen only the ones guaranteed to give you maximum stress. And then if you ring one of our customer service lines, they are taught the tricks of the trade, to say they cannot hear you and to hang up on a crackly phone line. If anyone ever gets fresh with us, be assured your address is entered into our shitlist and your address will never be found again! Expat: And if we don't want to use your service? PR Rep: Oh well, too bad! Enlist an expensive private courier! We work with the Government for maximum paperwork, so good luck with that! If you truly cared about the planet you wouldn't post at all. Actually scrap that! There are too many items we like to receive in our depot, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I like your voice, you sound cute… What's your inner leg measurement? Oh, go on.. Tell me cheeky!
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