Health
BAD ADVICE...
Ask the
Expat T
Not all advice is good and not all people are as genuine as you may think. Enjoy our 'bad advice' column from the expert we have all met, know and love... the Expat.
his month, we introduce (admittedly, for once), an Ex-Pat who has something important to say and real experiences to impart. It might be a first for our wayward
column. Teddy and Tamara Leafhead have set up an Algarvian Pet Sitters Watch Group after a disquieting experience, they impart the traumatic experiences of their members. (NB: A warning, when pet sitting, always check the sofa and your body weight index or it may lead to a fatal outcome. Sitting on pets, we remind the feeble-minded out there, is not endorsed by our magazine. Always follow the pet's instruction manual and check the batteries and your own). Now onto the interview. Let it be a warning to fools! EXPAT: Teddy and Tamara, welcome! Tell us why you started your support/advice group. TAMARA: Where we gonna begin!? Our friends couldn't look after our miniature poodles sweet lil' Pandora and Penelope. That's when we upped and went on Facebook to ask who could help us, 'coz we urgently had to return to Houston. TEDDY: That is when them rats were recommended… TAMARA: Those frauds, Victor and Velma Trinkenschuh. Of course, that ain't their names… TEDDY: And our beautiful Quinta when we returned… (Thumps his leg). EXPAT: Well if one of you tells us, from the beginning… Tamara begins to explain groaning in her charming Texan twang: 'It was just so awful. We are trustin' people. We needed a house and a pet sitter right away. We even asked 'em for references. I guess we shoulda guessed they were made up. The old addresses didn't never exist! We overlooked that their headmistress was called Julie Andrews in The Switzerland Finishing School and considering the near illiteracy of the emails, it seemed unlikely Victor worked for the Zurich Bank' as Head of Security... TEDDY: Leavin' our Villa for the first time was a big thang ya know. We became concerned
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when we heard nothin' back from Portugal. Eventually, we done called 'em and there was techno beats in the background, Victor shouted at me and said it was all good and to f*** off! I shouted back remindin' him that Texas, unlike Portugal, is an open carry gun state, and our girls had best be fine! When he barked back and said 'woof, woof, we are fine' and hung up, we started lookin' for the earliest plane back! TAMARA: And what awaited us!? Our Quinta had been trashed. Hundreds of beer cans, broken glasses and bottles strewn everywhere. There was graffiti on the walls and the toilets was overflowin' as them vagrants lay about in a state of undress. Teddy went wild and picked up a broom sweepin' and shooin' them out…! My wardrobe was empty and my best handbags were floatin' in the jacuzzi! Even my best wigs were floatin' in the pool! I was livid! It was hairy! It was totally unbeweaveable! TEDDY: I started to lay into them strangers while my darlin' Tamara called the police threatening a whoopin' the like they never had ever in their lives! Both Pandora and Penelope were gone, and them bastards Victor and Velma were nowhere to be seen! TAMARA: I was cryin' hysterically as the police spoke to us, when our closest neighbors came holdin' our precious angels. They told us our two dogs just ended up in their yard! We was delighted despite the thousands of Euros worth of damage. I even found a drug addict slut called Shelley in my best Caroline Herrera dress and Bvlgari jewelry, passed out in a state of undress, surrounded by three old men! That's something Vanish ain't never gonna remove! (Sobs). Turns out she had multiple warrants out for her! TEDDY: A few days after our warrant for them, we got a text from Victor. "If you want to see your precious dogs alive, you had better wire 10,000 Euros. TAMARA: We was shocked, but played along and asked for photos. The vermin did have two dogs, but they were not ours! TEDDY: We showed the police and agreed to
meet them in Moncarapacho in a lay-by. TAMARA: Maybe we played it too cool and they twigged… They never showed. EXPAT: Were they ever found? TEDDY: No! The dogs turned up at a rescue home. Turns out them morons stole two strays… TAMARA: And they are still out there. EXPAT: Wow, what an awful experience. What have your other members faced? TAMARA: Our story seems the worst, but one member had their car hotwired and stolen… TEDDY: And the house cats that escaped never to be seen again… TAMARA: And the neglected pet while they was out eatin' in a five-star restaurants and had all their friends usin' the place like a hotel, with photos all over Instagram… It looked like it hadn't been fed in days… TEDDY: And the porn movie which was filmed in a member's Quinta with the dogs appearin' in the background of 'Silicone Seductresses'…! TAMARA: and those pet thieves known as Victor and Velma they's still out there. The last the police heard they were traced to Sitges in Spain, runnin' off with prized Persian cats… EXPAT: So what do you say to our readers!? TEDDY: Never let anyone in your house, it ain't gonna lead to good! Ours looked like a meth head rock star had stayed! You sure as heck can't buy back stupid! TAMARA: Go to a proper agency, registered, tax-payin' and real! TEDDY: Facebook just ain't the place to recruit someone to stay in your 650 thousand Euro retirement Quinta! TAMARA: And if anyone finds those bastards, we got something to say to 'em, touch our shit and… (Mimes shotgun)! EXPAT: And most importantly how are Pandora and Penelope? TAMARA: Oh our lil precious babies are real good! They is off to a dog spa in Monchique so momma, daddy and our angels can have a massage and a perm! TEDDY: Yummy! I always like a happy ending! Signing off the Expat says "don't we all". Unless you pretend your names are Victor or Velma, wherever you are!
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