BAD ADVICE Ask the Expat

Ask the ExpatBAD ADVICE

Not all advice is good and not all people are as genuine as you may think. Enjoy our 'bad advice' column from the expert we have all met, know and love... the Expat

This month we attempt to understand a neighbourly dispute. Each party in the dispute will briefly have an opportunity to put their side of the story forward for balance. After being filmed in their Vila Real de Santo António neighbourhood for a British TV network recording "ExPat Neighbours from Hell", Norman and June Goode are suing the producers of the show and their neighbours for defamation and misrepresentation. First we speak to a neighbour who started an anonymous petition, signed by over 250 people in their neighbourhood, making tabloid news. This neighbour wishes to remain anonymous.

From your perspective, why was it necessary to start a petition against the Goode’s?

Anonymous neighbour: It’s a long story. First of all, we are not dealing with people like you or me, but maniacs, that would make a dictator blush. It turns out when I Googled them, the reason this couple left the UK is because the TV crew had followed their story from Chesterfield. The Derbyshire police had put a restraining order for harassment against their neighbours. They may look like a kind and sweet elderly couple but they are a nightmare for anyone to be near. For example, the neighbourhood has had a forged note delivered. It’s translated into six languages about rules for Christmas 2021 and NYE 2022. The two rules read, "on NYE no noise or music can be played in the neighbourhood past 8pm above 30 decibels. The other "rule", is families larger than 4 cannot congregate on Christmas day or any vehicles parked within 10 metres of 12C Rua do Medo or they will be wheel clamped with a €250 release fee." The note is forged to look like an official note from the Freguesia and the GNR, but of course, we have officially been told it is a fake! It is like Scrooge seeks to shackle the neighbourhood! If anyone sneezes, the police are called. The Goode’s live in a terrace house, but forbid people to walk outside on "their private" pavement. If they do, they are verbally abused and even "hexed!" They also claimed nearby public wasteland is owned by them, putting up "private" "keep out notices." A solicitor got involved and of course it is not their land. That's when I contacted the film and production crew from 6 Reality. Norman once told us he is related to "Royal blood" so we must obey! Why does he live in a small terrace house then and not a Palace? They sprayed local children with hoses if they played, claiming these soakings were "accidental." There was a spate of car tires let down at night if anyone challenged them. No one can take these monsters anymore and just want, what the locals call, "the Hitler’s" to leave and never come back to ruin our lives in the sun! She is like a velociraptor with a piercing scream, and he is an evil Goblin with a pencil moustache. Legal proceedings are taking too long and we can’t take it any more! Help us, please, help us! We now speak to Reality 6 producers:

The Goode’s have taken legal proceedings against you for defamation and persecution. What is your comment on their UK and Algarvian activities?

Reality 6: "I think we are dealing with very dangerous and delusional individuals with police proceedings against them in the UK and the Algarve. Norman has attacked our cameraman and crews several times, and for a man of 75 he sure can use a cane effectively. The defamation case they speak of will fall apart. We set up CCTV where a hooded figure is seen delivering packages through the door of the individual who started the petition, containing rotten fish and dog excrement of the individual who started the petition. Our vehicles are often covered in such projectiles and the hooded walker carries a cane. Another incident is where a six year old girl left her dolls outside on the street. They were all found beheaded in the dustbin. June sat there smirking denying any knowledge when the mother came by, and shouted "learn English you ignorant peasant bitch!" When the children were outside playing, we caught footage of June, rolling marbles over the street and setting traps for anyone on bikes. When there is an accident, it is the only time they go in and do not guard the front of their house!

The comments in all languages on the petition are shocking. What are the worst stories you’ve heard or captured?

Reality 6: My goodness, so many, from putting objects in neighbours gardens, and then calling the police accusing them of theft! Calling the police endlessly, from when a dog barks, a stranger walks by without a mask, despite the mandate having ended, or if a baby cries. They have a dog that barks all night, but they say it is for safety as they are surrounded by dangerous people! The worst incident was when they called the police on a disabled elderly Portuguese neighbour and called the police as she was having handrails put into her house at 1pm for the "noise!" The police told the Goode’s off for harassing her. We were not at location that evening, but the tires on her mobility scooter were slashed and who could be the suspect? In the UK neighbours of the Goode’s ended up having breakdowns and are still in therapy. As some of the nastiest people you could ever meet, they deserved to be followed to the Algarve where they repeat their reign of misery. They have no friends. If they rarely go out, they call the police on any venue about service conditions, like rats that suddenly appear in their soup. We would like to see them imprisoned and face hefty fines, hopefully, banned from moving anywhere else unless it has bars! Out of all the ExPat neighbours from hell in the sun, they are by far our absolute worst!

Last, of all, we contacted the Goode’s who delivered us a foul mouthed tirade and said they would call the police on us and there will be consequences if we publish anything about them. They hung up. Eventually Norman texted back.

Norman wrote: "We have been followed and persecuted since finding our new home. We take morals and decency as pivotal and police our neighbourhood. We do not accept frivolous people or antisocial neighbours. The film crew have hired actors to pretend to be us. They are setting us up for entertainment! They have hired body doubles and aged them with makeup! The Portuguese and British police have cases against us, but we are being framed by a shadowy cabal as the media are trying to frame us. The political and moral integrity of society is lost and we must insist upon it wherever we live. It is character assassination, persecution and nothing else." Norman sent a pictorial attachment which we then Google image search, which was an Occult Hex used by Alistair Crowly. The Goode’s have declined any further comment, but maintain that they "are the most honest and decent people you could ever meet, now leave us alone. Or else!"