Ask the Expat

Yes, it's me again stargazers, Ida Dannae, telling you sea urchins what 2023 will throw up on you. Being the premium astrologer and cockney psychic of the Algarve Expat scene, from Catford to Monte Gordo, the true zodiac queen, I’ll grab you by your crystal balls and rub them clean!

Still, trussed up from your turkey? Old Nostradamus said this year is going to be full to the shitter with stuffing, so I’m pulling out my herbs, third eye cap, and some rubber gloves on, in case it gets messy… Ready or not, let's dive in!

ARIES

March 21 to April 20

Yes, you first and you always think you are right! Calm your ass down, you are scary like Mariah Carey! You live from obsession to obsession, but can be an angry, pessimistic old bottomless pit, you tit!

This year, dare to say the L word you loathe and see who your real allies are. The rest, chuck them on the fire, but be careful you don’t set alight to yourself, you raging damn Ram!

Don’t wear black, as it depresses you and brings out your demons. Wear yellow, for luck, like a gentle flame, read gentle, you lighter!

TAURUS

April 21 to May 20

Don’t say no, you stubborn old bull! Yes, you like to be alone, but you are a beggy old tool!

You’ve always got something in your mouth, so how about this year, you digest it? I digress, in other areas you need to say ‘yes’ more, not less!

Oh, don’t you say ‘no’ again or I’ll call the smash and grab. Seriously strike, for opportunity knocks, or you’ll end up on the chopping block.

This year, wear white for luck and surrender your self-hostage flag! Avoid red, like those compulsions inside your boiling head!

Gemini

May 21 to June 21

Oh you are so busy aren't you, you two-faced Martyr! No wonder you are wearing yourself ragged, bust and bag it!

You're like a swan lake! Gliding on the surface, scrambling beneath… Focus on the frenzy of trying to be the dog's bollocks or the air won’t reach your Betty Swollocks!

Your lucky colour this year is navy! Take it as a reminder for the discipline to stop your militant wavy ways.

Don't wear orange or your fruit will get too juicy for two to bite, yes, even that manic twin. Pack it in!

Cancer

June 22 to July 22

Oh, you emotional old shelly, keep it in, don’t we? Oh stop overthinking touchy and pop your head out once in a while?

You like to be around people so don’t end up in the pot like a crabby chowder! 2023 has morose moments, so don’t put too much water in your pan, just savour the fresh flavour. Wake up and taste a new shore. Come on now, don't be a blistering chore. Avoid the colour yellow as it will piss on your parade. Instead, go for silver, light reflecting off of your pearly shell. Give them hell!

Leo

July 23 - August 22

What are you not lacking? Pride! Stop being such a drama queen and so la-di-da! Now sit in your lion's lair for some home truths.

Let sleeping lions lie! They were in the past because you passed them so call off the pursuit. You're too ferocious to please everyone and you seldom do!

Put your claws away and save the hunt for your biggest foes. You have enough!

Wear gold for luck, but don't be brassy and cheap. Discretion is key. Avoid pink, because for you it is as play pretend as a pastel parasol!

Virgo

August 23 to September 22

You Virgos are meticulous and live for patterns and routine. Make something nice and don't be like the worst of your signs, iller than a serial killer! Make craft not cries!

Yes, you like perfection, but stop dreaming! Do it! And stop blaming others! You are to blame, dental flosser!

Stop sulking Suzie, smile, and avoid the bitter boozy.

Your lucky colour is earthy green, so go plant it like a bean! Avoid the colour scarlet, or you'll end up wobbling on the scene and frothing like a fiend!

Libra

September 23 to October 23

Oh, you are such a mushy treacle tart. But stop worrying about what they think of you, you are far too faint of heart! Rome wasn't built in a night, so Carolyn, head towards your fading light! Yes, you struggle with stress but stop whipping yourself my masochistic mess!

Wear pink and white, cos, like you old softie, it'll be alright at the night. Avoid the colour blue, it is too melancholy for such a sentimental old fool.

Scorpio

October 24 to November 22

Oh here we are again moody stinger, sometimes your rage is fit for Jerry Springer!

Passions are not jealousies, so inhale and learn to relax your thrashing tail!

There are deep waters in your brooding rage so don't let your grudges bring you to the fisherman's daughter!

Your lucky colour is black, mysterious like the night, is where you find your might. Avoid those pale hues as they will leave you puking and sick.

Sagittarius

November 23 to December 21

Impatient as ever, you go hell for leather. Before you go flaming the arrow first, set smaller targets rather than take on an entire earth!

It is okay to show emotions, oh warrior one! 2023 needs more poetry and ding-dong, so, before you launch yourself headfirst into a puddle, don't crack your skull on shallow muddle.

Oranges are glorious hues and allow you to contemplate, I love you. Avoid black, as it is like what you are hiding, yes, those deep dark secrets.

Capricorn

December 22 to January 20

Goals this, goals that, focus on something specific you arse hat!

The alignment is lucky for you this year, so lighten up Chuck and ascend from your underworld!

Stop rebuffing and ask for help, your selfreliance gnaws and bites! Your sarcasm is getting wearing, so redirect your snarky glaring. Have you ever seen a goat on a boat? Be the first and open to sailing uncertainties, or you'll sink horny destinies.

Your lucky colour is indigo, so in you go! Avoid lemon hues in your bitter tonic.

AQUARIUS

January 21 to February 18

Bewareious! Get your head out of the clouds, you can't see your confusion from inner delusion! You floaty fairy, your airy makes others wary!

You are visionary, but not when you sip too much of the solitude sherry.

Simplify and don't complicate, it will only lead to being stuck, resentment, joyless hate! Go for the colours happy and psychedelic, it'll make you more angelic! Avoid the hue of brown, or your shit'll frown!

Pisces

February 19 to March 20

Little fishy, don't swim too deep, or you'll descend into choppy waters where the sharks shall seek.

Simplify, or you'll batter your impulsive head. Do dream, but don't rely on promises that pull you under, all in fools gold wonder!

Self-reliance and agility won't scupper, else you'll end up as someone's fish supper. Cheer yourself will the hue of coral, warm and shallow without quarrel. Avoid the colour green. It is full of watery weeds and bottom feeds.