BAD ADVICE Ask the Expat

Health BAD ADVICE... Ask the Expat

Not all advice is good and not all people are as genuine as you may think. Enjoy our 'bad advice' column from the expert we have all met, know and love... the Expat.

New to town? Seeking that social crown? Don't let the Algarvian migration turn your life upside down and spoil your social face with a wrinkling frown. It's time to wear your best tux or gown, and don't worry about wasting your time with those ugly clowns! This month, in an increasingly digital world, we meet the ExPat team that can short-circuit your newly inhabited "estrangeiro" social circle! With the new 'Hoopchecked' the social app for the Algarve, your right connection advice is always ranked most rigorously. So judge and be judged, reach for the high life and the top-tier tiara! But only if you are worth it. Are you? We are not too sure… Today we meet the self-proclaimed Queen of the Algarve social scene, "Hoopchecked" founder and assessment pounder, Branda May Sharp, who says she is always on 'the cutting edge of all that is cultured on the dish.' However, a review describes the service as "like the Connie Sewer of the petri dish of the ExPat scene". Today she brings some of her rank minions to discuss what having their "Hoopchecked" has brought into their lives and most importantly how it could infect you. Expat: "Branda! Please tell us about having your "Hoopchecked" and what it means for our readers"! Branda May: "Thank you. Well I hope this goes well, I sure do love your magazine! But you know handheld paper is out, it is about what you carry with you charged and ready to digitally buzz inside your leathery flaps! Our application uses face scanning technology to see who you are meeting. Our impartial rating team, that's me, myself and I, then assess the ExPat and if you should bother with them or if they are total garbage. "Only me as the Queen, only I can be trusted! Oh you know, it is an Alpha leadership personality, Queen of the hive if you will, accomplished, dexterous, divine... Members can rate each other, add gossip and slander, give pertinent observations, and then I assess if this person is worth even knowing! (Raises eyebrow, gazing at us head-on). Just take a surreptitious and discrete photo and scan the faces, and all this information is yours! Why waste time on wasters I say! Expat: "That sounds very superficial and disturbing"… Branda May: "Clearly you do not understand what we are offering. But let me explain in very, very simple terms, so you can understand, okay? Are you listening? "Being an international jet-setter myself, something you haven't experienced. Well, entering a new social circle can be an unnerving experience filled with friction and dissatisfaction, leaving you unsatiated for bigger and better things. (Branda May wipes the drool from her plump candy pink lips)... "Hoopchecked" means, that when you come to the Algarve, the ExPats are ranked for various attributes, so you can choose those who suit you. We have five categories, like an olden-day trading card. All users can assess each other, but my say is final. We rank classiness, how much are they worth? Do they look expensive? Is their house desirable? Do they own it? Do they have a Birkin or Rolex and a lifestyle to die for? Are you jealous? You should be, unless you are me of course, (titters). Social desirability, would you want to know them, and do they tick the boxes of an agreeable and trustworthy company, and of course, I assess that. Wokeness! Do they believe what they are told to believe or at least do a good show of it!? Then attractiveness, which mixes physical attractiveness with assessed luxury goods that are plastered all over their social media with good filters and PhotoShop. And lastly, gossip! What skeletons are there in their closet and an overall rating of their reliability"… Minion speaks: "Like when your husband was caught in the swingers party at Praia Verde?" Branda May grabs her wrist, twisting it backward. "What a lovely watch you have there Jemima"! (Whispers, "do you want me to cancel you, you little bitch?") Loudly says, "oh how pretty, I thought you had real diamonds, but of course you don't. Anyway, Jemima, you had better let me finish, hadn't you, just…" (Jemima's eyes pop like a traumatized goldfish and the minions look at her appalled and aghast, as she bows her head in shame). Expat: "I'm sure I watched a Black Mirror episode like this." Branda May: "A what? I've never even heard of that, so your social desirability score is plunging rapidly Mr. Geeky!" Expat laughs nervously: "And how do people get involved with your service?" Branda May: "My goodness! You are stupid, aren't you? There goes another point!" (She laughs and looks at smiling minions and whispers, "honestly after this I need to get into publishing and poach this magazine. What an idiot!") "Have you heard of the iPhone app store!? Download it stupid!" Expat: "And Android?" Branda May: "Urghhhh! No! It only works on the iPhone 14 Pro Max and above! We don't want common customers!" Expat: "Is there a charge?: Brenda May: "Do I own a Faberge Egg collection!? Of course! It is for €50 a month, Bronze, €75 Silver, and €90 Gold! The more you pay, the more say you have and it also proves you are considerably better than the other sorts." Expat (sarcastically): "We can't wait to see the gold type! Anything else you want to say about having your 'Hoopchecked?" Branda May: "Honey, clearly you couldn't afford us, but we certainly have the information we need about you! (Scowls). You haven't even complimented me once during this interview, and believe me that here, that is a social no-no! For those who are worth it, unlike yourself, we run assessment socials where I and my minions assess your obedience, if you meet my calibre and the social scene should adopt you! You dear will be flagged with a warning label. Now, what salacious gossip can we add about this dirty morsel girls?"