Misery Of My Heart

Malina Kae WAGNER, 2020 INTERNALIZE

The first time I ever spoke about the colors was one day in blue first grade. I turned to the red boy on my right and asked him, “Wouldn’t you agree that ‘7+3=10’ is a greenish-blue problem?” He did not understand. He just stared at me looking very perplexed. At the time, I thought it was weird that he did not have a color for the equation because it was pretty obvious to me. After that, the thought of other people’s colors did not cross my mind for a very long time. Nevertheless, I continued living my orange elementary days, watching the vibrant colors dance in front of my eyes as music played, thinking that everyone else could see the explosions of colors that flashed all around, and visualize the curving line of years as they passed just as I could. It was not until my yellow sophomore year that I could finally articulate or even address my condition, mostly because I did not think I had a condition. My violet psychology teacher threw up a slide on the projector with the word “Synesthesia” as the title. He began to explain how a small number of the population has sensory overlaps that cause them to visualize sound and associate concepts in different shapes. Astonished I uttered, “You mean not everyone does this?” All at once, my head filled with yellow and red questions from my classmates. Asking me what color they were, and if everything has a color. I was overwhelmed considering I just learned, less than a minute ago, that I think differently from everyone in the room. After that day, I began to focus more on my thoughts. When I listened to music, I would allow the colors and patterns to consume me. In math class, I would write what looked like cryptic code to help me understand what we were learning. I borrowed my younger brother’s markers to write out the alphabet with each letter’s appropriate color. However, doing all of this made me realize that my condition does not set me apart from anyone else. I now have a word to describe how my brain works: “synesthesia,” it made me realize how brilliant all minds are and how people’s minds are complex and unique in their own ways.