SCARED OF DIGITAL DRAMA?

Help everyone, tel l a story.

Allison Ochs Author, Lecturer, Consultant Switzerland

There are many schools where I work on a regular basis. When I go back into a class after a year and ask students what they remember from my workshop the year before, they all remember my stories. They can retell them with near perfection. I have their attention yet again, as they lean in, faces eager, and I hear those words that are music to my ears, “Miss, will you tell us another story?”

Today I intend to do just that; tell you a story.

Not long ago, a mother I know explained, “I trust my child to do the right thing. I need to give her freedom as a teen. I respect what you do, but I don’t believe in checking her online space.” I remained polite, somewhat silent, and smiled.

A week or so later, I was in the main foyer of the school chatting with another mother. The hustle and bustle of the morning had stopped, all children were snuggled safely into their classrooms. On this morning, the foyer was mostly deserted.

Suddenly, we heard someone briskly entering the building. It was the woman I mentioned earlier, looking like she was on a mission. I know that look as a mother: distraught, tired, and ready to launch into battle. I glanced up and watched as she stormed past us. I instantly felt sorry for the teacher or administrator she would encounter. My friend and I looked at each other and said in unison, “She is headed to the office!”

Yes, it was that obvious, and yes, I too am guilty of having been on similar missions in the past. I have also been on the receiving end when I worked at a school. Her fists were slightly clenched, and the look of sheer determination on her face was recognisable. She was heading into the school to launch what I call an “I’ll huff and I’ll puff” mode of attack for her child.

This particular mother is active on the PTA, engaged, and educated. Listening to her chat at various events, I have come to realise that she is like many parents, eager to march in, throwing tantrums, and completely ignoring her child’s part in whatever drama might have happened. She is the same mother who does not need help, the same mother who trusts her child.

I know a bit about the child mentioned above. I have even seen screenshots of things and heard tales of her online posts. Sexting was definitely part of the Snapchat history. The words “privacy” and “trust” that the mother mentioned? Well, privacy doesn’t exist online and trust is complex because a teen isn’t always ready to deal with the adult world they encounter online. A teen’s brain is still developing and they might make some fast choices they regret without thinking through the consequences. I am not against trusting teens. However, they do have developing prefrontal cortexes and need adult guidance, also in their online space. Neglecting to see this is an error.

It is clear that this mother loves her daughter. She has carefully chosen her schooling, helped craft her friend groups by encouraging particular friendships and inviting others over to cocktails and dinners. She tries to manage her daughter’s issues for her by demanding this and that from the school and is an avid Instagram and Facebook promoter for her children’s accomplishments. A true poster mom. I respect her, yet this mother fails in one area; her daughter’s online world remains “private to her.” Remember, she trusts her daughter.

The irony is that this mother, who wants to do the right thing, is uninformed in the name of trust. How many of us have trusted someone to find out later just how misinformed we were? The word “trust” is tricky when it comes to the online space; It eludes us. We want to trust our children with this magical tool; a tool that tricks us into overlooking the dangerous side, the distracting toy side. Unfortunately, it is not that straight-forward. We have all rushed to use the tool without thinking of the consequences.

Schools use tech, and love these nifty tools. Parents I listen to tell a different tale:

“I feel undermined by the school. I might make an effort to do everything right but my child was given an iPad on a rainy day instead of going out for recess. He came across inappropriate content. You know he is eight years old. I am so outraged.”

So, how can we learn, come together, and educate on all levels? When working with parents and teens, I have found one method works better than any other. It is so simple that we sometimes forget it exists. Tell a story.

How do you tell a compelling story about our digital world? For starters, tell a beautiful full-blown story with a beginning, middle, and end. When you are done with the story, ask some open-ended questions, encourage dialogue, and then listen without judgment.

When confronted with an online drama, the loving mother in my story yelled at another mother. She rallied other parents behind her, spreading rumours. It was a mess! In the end, there were consequences for many others. This mother gave an example of what we often do in a crisis but shouldn’t. She was scared, crazy, and clueless. I have seen administrators, board members, and staff members be scared, crazy, and clueless.

This is rather obviously not the way to tackle problems. I always tell educators and parents they need to be accessible, informed, calm, and realistic when approaching online drama. Realistic means there is no way you will avoid drama, but you will need to do some prevention, manage conflicts and be open-minded, possibly making some changes in your policies and the way you do things as our online space evolves. • Give students time in home room classes to discuss stories. They will appreciate having the time and space to discuss relevant issues. Remember to let them take the lead.

The mother in my story said she didn’t need help. I didn’t react but I knew she did. We all do. This is not a matter to tackle alone, and no parent or school should even attempt to.

The more stories I tell, the better the workshops are and the more learning takes place. The more I listen to the stories the better I get at understanding others, finding solutions to problems and creating new stories.

When I was fifteen, I was mesmerised watching Karen Blixen tell a story by candlelight in the film Out of Africa. I walked out of the movie theatre with the desire and dream of becoming a storyteller. It is strange to remember that day, realising that I now spend most of my time telling stories to teens, some of them the same sweet age I was when I fell in love with storytelling. Good stories make us think and feel. Telling stories to our communities of students, staff and parents will help everyone think, feel and learn. Let’s get back to the basics, go back to the campfire and candlelight, and tell some great stories.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

This might sound all too familiar. I want to ask you a hard question and an important one to ponder. Are you always approachable and calm? I most certainly have made mistakes and have not always been composed and ready to listen. I think approaching this messy space open-minded and ready to receive help is beneficial. Owning up to our mistakes and slowing it down a notch will also help.

SOME EASY AND NOT EXPENSIVE THINGS WHICH MIGHT HELP:

• Write personal and informative messages to parents on the subject and imbed a story; • Share your own struggles with students. Let them know how you manage your time online. Be honest and vulnerable (students are smart and know we are guilty of imperfection too); • If you are a director, meet annually with the parent groups of the different years. Use a story to talk to parents about issues and then listen to them to find out what stories are needed next;

Allison Ochs is an American/Swiss social worker, lecturer, teacher, and consultant. She has volunteered in an Orphanage in Mexico, at the University Hospital in Kiel, in a teen transition home and has both taught and held leadership positions in public and private schools in Switzerland. She is currently the owner and president of EDIT Change Management Sàrl, member of the Board of Trustees at the International School of Amsterdam, and author of “Would I have sexted back in the 80s?” A modern guide on raising digital teens derived from lessons of the past; it will be published in January 2019 by Amsterdam University Press.