A public notice from the Federal Minister for Misinformation and Social Disservice: How to Succeed When Jokes are Your Downfall. By Principal Policy Officer Aaron Clarke
You’ve all probably come across a situation where you’ve japed a bit too far. Crossed the comedic tightrope. Been sentenced to death for your jestering antics. I certainly have. You might remember me from previous Blackboard discussion group gold like ‘Seven fun things to do with references’, ‘Marriage as a relative concept in isolated rural areas’, ‘Should spanking be illegal or is it kinky enough already?’, ‘Overcoming Scomophobia: Why insisting on accountability is fuelling hostility towards the conscience-challenged?’ and my personal favourite: ‘How do I submit my final assignment after I used Turn-it-in to convert a Word document with pictures of naked people into a PDF?’ (I was asking for a friend). No? Never read them? Okay, well maybe it’s because they blocked me from ECU’s social media for posting that article on how the Covid vaccine can give you 5G. Uncalled for, because I know for a fact that I read somewhere that the human body can only take a few Gs before you pass out, so I was well within my rights to point that out. Luckily, we only get 2G in my area so I’m pretty safe. So, you’ve annoyed your lecturer with a joke and therefore YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL. The important thing is to remain calm.
Take a deep breath and put this event into perspective. While admittedly an unfortunate development, this situation is nothing exceptional in and of itself. It is just the latest in a long series of acts of ineptitude, stupidity, and self-sabotage that you have inflicted upon yourself (and occasionally others) throughout your life. Accept your situation If it wasn’t your poorly judged attempt at humour that resulted in the failure to complete your education, it would, inevitably, have been something else you did that resulted in a similar outcome. So it’s best that you resign yourself to the rolling consequences of this recent turn of events for which you are at fault. Acknowledge your limitations I know this might read like one of those pamphlets you get at a sexual health clinic, but the difference is that most of those sorts of things can be cured. In this case your condition is not likely to improve. Think
it through: you’re doing an arts degree, clearly the best option available to you. So, there aren’t really very many options left to explore - you’re just not cut out for higher order occupations like drug dealing or network marketing. Now that you’ve lost Austudy and your parents have finally lost their patience and kicked you out on the street a life of gainful unemployment is probably the best you can hope for. Identify your strengths I know it’s a lot to take in. But it could be worse. You could have majored in economics, or politics, or theology, somehow graduated and gone on to ruin other people’s lives instead. Take comfort in the fact that, outside your own immediate circumstances, you haven’t done as much damage as you might have otherwise. Appreciate this silver lining to your clouded judgement. Of course, in the future you may undo your gains and have (oh pity them and Lord help us all) children. But let’s just deal with one screw-up at a time, okay? Finally, if, for a change, you can find it within yourself to learn from this experience, then at some point you might want to consider not posting anything anywhere at all. And remember: tin foil hats are cool, not dorky.
June 2022 Dircksey 11
