GSM ed. 3 vol. 4 "Perth"

GSM

E. 3 V. 4

Perth

There’s another reason I like the term “Perthverts”. It’s disarming. It’s the sort of juvenile and silly designation that begs you not to take the people or the place too seriously, and by extension to approach the place and its people with a whimsical, lackadaisical attitude. Perth is a city of sunshine and suburbs, grassy foreshores and a predilection for beige-brick apartments that I’ve never seen in any other Australian city. It’s relaxed, quiet, clean and, dare I suggest, relatively content. The Koondoola’s and the Mirrabooka’s of Perth don’t come close to the conditions of Western Sydney. Is Perth boring? Well, yes and no.

It’s a city populated by an entire generation of whinging wankers who spend most of their time verbally hosting a dickmeasuring contest over who has the best Melbourne connections with tales of how good the coffee/ food/ trams/ culture is in Melbourne and denouncing the lack of ‘stuff’ to do in Perth.

The same bleating billy goats who inevitably move to Melbourne and discover this universal truth – if you are a boring person, you will be bored no matter where you live. So here is a bold suggestion, next time you find yourself ruminating on the existential numbness of occupying yourself in Perth, go out and do something instead.

Have you ever considered what the correct adjective to describe a denizen of Perth is? There was a lot of discussion about this at our writers’ night. “Perthian”, “Perthite” and “Perthtonian” were all suggested. Clearly though the correct designation needs to be Perthvert. Yes, you’ve read me correctly, and here’s why I make this argument. It’s slightly ridiculous, and nothing about Perth should be taken too seriously. We’re a provincial outpost, essentially a pimple on a country our own former Prime Minister, Paul Keating, allegedly described as being on the “arse end of the world”.

Look around you, don’t you ever worry some pair of giant celestial hands will break free from the cosmos and push Perth into the sea? It would be like wiping crumbs from the continental tabletop. We seem to be a city that inspires both antipathy and apathy on the East Coast. We’re a small city that generates big characters.

Names like Alan Bond, Lang Hancock and Gina Rinehart come prominently to mind. Looking at the state of affairs in Parliament it’s clear that politics is not Perth’s strongpoint.

There are other names that percolate alongside Perth: Bon Scott, Heath Ledger, Tim Winton, Tame Impala, The Triffids, Little Birdy, Birds of Tokyo... Whether you celebrate or grimace at these names it’s clear that Perth not only excels but punches above its weight in terms of cultural exports. Sure we lack the civic culture of Melbourne with its derivative Brooklyn-meets-Berlin public artwork or Sydney’s slick Austrliana style of tourist kitsch. But what of it? Our anxious obsession with Melbourne is revealing of our deep insecurities and impotent aspirations.

Everybody knows somebody who’s moved to Melbourne. Usually they come scurrying back six months later presenting a check list of complaints: the weather, a lack of friends, the burden of living in the outer suburbs, the difficulty of finding a job, and their boredom. But mainly it seems to be a lack of friends and family that brings people back. Which is interesting because from what I understand Perth people are notorious for falling into cliques while residing in Melbourne. I imagine the phenomena is very similar to my observation that most of the people I knew who moved to Perth from Bunbury (my hometown) also lingered together like turds and toilet paper. I suppose the moral of the story is that boring birds of a feather flock together.

Push yourself out of your comfort zone; just don’t try and fly solo.

Let’s be honest, Perth isn’t exactly welcoming if you’re looking to have a night out on the town for one. If you’re a single dude you’ll be ostracised like the sex-pest everyone assumes you are, if you’re a women you’ll likely endure the very worst from the sex-pets also looking for a “good time”. So what to do?

Take your iPod and go to the beach for a night swim – you’ll be surprised how many other folks are there after sunset. Host a potluck dinner; a city is only as sociable as the people living in it. Make it a themed dinner. Dance to No Lights No Lycra in Fremantle or North Perth. Go to The Bird for their monthly Hip Hop Karaoke. It’s a kaleidoscopic clash between hipster clique and bogan tribalism. Watch amateur drag at The Court followed by lesbian mud wrestling at Connections on a Wednesday night.

Cram into 399 and try the mulled wine or go underground in West Perth and hit up 1907 for some cheap cocktails on a Friday. Go see something with subtitles at Luna Leederville. There’s also the Revelation Film Festival, Wild West Comedy Festival, Perth International Arts Festival, Fringe Festival, Perth Writers’ Festival, and Perth Open House through the year.

Whatever it is, make Perth the kind of city you want to live in. I had a friend move to Melbourne for uni. She was asked by one of our more pretentious friends about how lovely it must be to be surrounded by so much culture in Melbourne. “Actually”, she said “I did more stuff in my last six months in Perth than I have in my first year in Melbourne. There’s all this stuff going on in Perth and it’s so much easier to get to than in Melbourne. But nobody talks about it here.” Perth: not quite as boring as Adelaide – better weather than Brisbane.

Editorial by Tom Reynolds editor.gsm@gmail.com PS: and talking of stuff to do, that’s a picture of me with Margaret Cho after her sell-out performance at the Astor in April.

Proof-Reading: Kyarra Swetman, Asten Nunn, Marte Hegstad, Rosemarie Dale, & Louise Pitcher.

Illustrations: Grace McKie, Deblina Mittra, Kate Prendergast, Jessica Paterson, Clairine Ca’o, Shufaa Athman, Tom Reynolds, & Gabriella Camera.

Special Assistance: Kayt Davies, Asten Nunn & Jessica Paterson.

Content

Editor: Tom Reynolds editor.gsm@gmail.com GSM - ECU 2 Bradford Street Mount Lawley WA 6050 Cover: Tom Reynolds Design: Tom Reynolds

The views expressed in this publication are not necessarily those of the Editor, ECU Student Guild or the Advertisers. GSM is editorially independent.

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We also have Student Assist Officers and they are available from Monday to Thursday on all campuses to assist students. You can visit them if: • You don’t know who to contact about an issue in your course • You are struggling financially and can’t pay your bills or rent • You want to appeal a grade for an exam, assignment or unit • You’ve failed a unit or are thinking about dropping out of university • You feel discriminated against, harassed or if you’ve been treated unfairly

Hi Students, I am asked all the time what is it that the Guild does for students, so I thought I would take this opportunity to tell you about what services we provide.

The ECU student Guild is an organisation run by students, for students. The Guild representatives are elected each year by the whole student community to represent the students and provide student focused services. We run events on campus and we are the student voice in many university meetings.

We are your representatives. If you have something to say about the University or can see areas where the University can improve, please contact us or come in and speak to us! Your opinion, ideas and experience are valued and can make a real difference to ensuring a great experience for other students.

We offer many great services including free printing, free tea and coffee and great space to hang out in, to study and to chillout. We run the second hand bookstore where students can sell and buy books.

We also provide free bread to students who are struggling financially.

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We also put on great events both on and off campus. These events range from cocktails parties, sustainability workshops, comedy nights, discussion panels of relevant issues and food festivals. If you would like more information about our events – like us on facebook: ECU Student Guild!

Sustainability workshops and community group!

We are holding special workshops about creating a sustainable, just and thriving University. We are looking for ideas and people willing to be a part of the team to begin to create ways we can all work together to achieve a really sustainable, inclusive and thriving campus. If this is something you would love to be apart of, please contact me or check out our website at www.ecuguild.org.au As a Guild we are planning a trip on country with an elder and Aboriginal teacher, Noel Nannup. This will be an opportunity for the Guild and students to embrace aboriginal culture and spirituality. This trip is also open to all students. If this is something you would love to be a part of please contact me on president@ecuguild.org.au Warmest Regards,

Sheridan Young ECU Guild President

Education Vice President Hey everyone I hope you find yourself halfway through Semester 1 with most of your sanity intact!

If you are struggling with your studies (or life in general) there’s plenty of help about. Contact the Guild Student Assist Officers and they can direct you to the relevant services within the University and greater community.

Joondalup: gsa.jo@ecuguild.org.au Mount Lawley:gsa.ml1@ecuguild.org.au Bunbury: gsa.bu@ecu.edu.au Campaigns As your Education Vice President I have a commitment to support educational rights at a national level. This year the National Union of Students is running a federal campaign “Where’s My Education Revolution?” which is aimed at fighting against course cuts, increased university fees and further deregulation. We have already showed our support for this campaign by participating in the April 27 National Day of Action “Our Education is not for Profit”. If you would like to know more about this campaign and show your support head to www.facebook.com/WheresOurEducationRevolution Undergraduate Department I am also in the process of re-building the Guild Undergraduate Department, which represents students of each school and discipline in the areas of quality education, learning standards, appropriate resources, curriculum construction, academic concerns and all other issues affecting your studies at ECU. Currently we have vacancies in a number of positions and looking for volunteers, so if you’re interested in getting involved please contact me or visit the Facebook page at www.facebook.com/ ECUUndergrads. You should like the page anyway to stay updated with what’s happening in the world of higher education, at ECU and nationally!

What’s your gripe?

Have a complaint/concern/suggestion or just want to vent some frustration about the Academic/Education side of Uni life? This includes course structure, problems with tutorials, getting adequate support from the University, where/how to get help or assignment feedback taking too long… Let me know! I want to make sure the student voice is heard, and would love to hear from you. I will do my best to make sure any of your grievances are addressed and if you have some suggestions on how things can be done better I will ensure to share it with the “powers that be”.

Don’t forget to like the Guild on Facebook to stay tuned for what’s happening on campus and get the latest on upcoming events!

Claire McCormick Education Vice President evp@ecuguild.org.au 0404691509 (Mon-Fri, 9am-4pm)

Exult! is up and running again after two years of dormancy, and it’s time to get involved in the empowering and inspiring fight for the rights of sexuality and gender diverse students!

Created in 2005 after police violence against queers at the annual Queer Collaborations conference (held in Perth that year), the Exult! Collective is for LGBTQ students at ECU, providing welfare services, social events and campaigns directed at changing the university environment into one of inclusion, compassion and equity.

The most important this for you to do is support Exult by liking our Facebook page - www.facebook.com/ECUExult - and attend QueerSpace - Wed. 10-1 @ Mt Lawley and Thurs. 12-5 @ Joondalup.

This Semester we have a few events on the table: firstly we have joint bake sales, clothes swaps and barbecues with the ECU Women’s Community aimed at fighting sexual violence, rape culture and slut-shaming - with great impact on campus and key awareness raised around the issues of consent and sexual agency.

Next up we have the Equal Love Marriage Rights Rally, held on May 11 in Stirling Gardens. This campaign has been running since the Howard Government officially changed the Marriage Act to ban same-sex marriage, in essence enforcing a targeted discrimination policy against all queer people in this country. We are asking the ECU Guild Senate to officially endorse these rallies, and are organising an ECU ‘Bloc’ to attend under its own banner and engaging all ECU students - queers and allies alike - to march with us.

This marriage rally is planned around the same time as International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia (May 17th) a day that it observed every year by the Guild and the University - detail will be distributed ASAP for events being held on all campuses.

To celebrate Harmony Week in 2013, ECU and the Student Guild hosted Harmony Week events at each of the University’s campuses. The main aim of this event was to promote harmony by appreciating and recognizing the diversity range of religious and cultural backgrounds in Australia.

There was a Harlem shake student led flash mob performance in the Joondalup Elab recognising Harmony Week. The celebrations continued at the Joondalup front of lake between building 5 and 8 on Wednesday 20th March where, Deputy Vice-Chancellor (Teaching, Learning and International) Professor Ron Oliver officially welcomed students and staff on the day. More than 300 students turned out for performances by WAAPA Aboriginal theatre and some exotic food from Chatterbox café (thanks to our university) and a BBQ hosted by the ECU Student Guild.

Shufaa Athman Chair of Social social@ecuguild.org.au

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Harmony Week

Photos supplied by Shufaa Athman

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After receiving a few related questions I’ve decided to roll them togeher into two general questions. Good luck!

What happens during sex without lube?

There will be blood. There will be blood, and screaming, and “Holy fuck why won’t it stop”. We’re all familiar that getting off, with yourself or another, involves friction. Lots and lots of sensitive and coordinated friction (on top of kissing, caressing all that other business). Lubricant shouldn’t be considered an afterthought, it doesn’t exist as some kind of pleasure-extending accessory. It’s as much a necessary part of safe (and good) sex as a condom. In fact the only way to correctly use a condom is in conjunction with a proper lubricant (e.g. a water-based one). While some sing the praise of silicon lube, it’ll leave your bed sheets stained and looking a frenzied late-stage Jackson Pollock.

The thing about lubricant is that boys seem especially hesitant about its merits, which is ironic since they’re highly likely to bleed during sex due to a lack of lube. Specifically any man with a foreskin. That little skin fold that stretches between the underside of your glans and the inside of your foreskin is the frenulum.

It’s filled with blood and is highly susceptible to tearing. It’s the Achilles heel of the cock. Much like how a head wound will bleed disproportionately to the size of the cut, so too will you penis gush blood like one of those old-fashioned oil wells. Luckily tearing of the frenulum, while embarrassing, is relatively fixable with antibiotics and abstinence - and yes, sometimes stitches. Yikes.

Vaginas and bottoms are surround by an intense network of blood vessels and soft, easily damageable membranes. Membranes, unlike skin, need to remain moist to be in top performance. The last thing you want is a big dry penis/sex toy/finger rubbing furiously against them. This is why, for example, you should never ever have sex in water. Water is about as useful to sex as a sandpaper cock sheath. All that frenzied friction will cause your orifice(s) of choice to be covered in something delightfully nightmarish called micro-fissures. Teeny tiny tears in your skin pouring out blood and viruses and drawing in whatever’s floating in the water around you. So tiny you won’t even be able to do a quick crotch-spot to see if you have them or not. It’s a great way to pick up an infection and increase your likelihood of contracting an STI. FYI: Ladies, if you can visually spot a vaginal tear, go and see your GP ASAP. During sex use plenty of lube and foreplay. Foreplay, aside from the inherent pleasure, increases blood flow to your vagina allowing it to become wider and longer - reducing the likelihood of tearing and discomfort during intercourse. There’s really no excuse for avoiding foreplay, for some folks this can be something as simple as a decent amount of making out - for others it’s more specific.

Anal tearing is a little more problematic and really needs to be dealt with antibiotics via your GP. Anal intercourse is exactly like vaginal intercourse in the sense that foreplay is the key to relaxing and “opening up”. There’s a gay proverb to keep in mind about anal sex: “there’s no such thing as too much lube”. Better soiled than bloodied bed sheets!

How to have a good threesome?

I’m always vaguely surprised to dwell on the notion that threesomes actually happen. They’re a sex act that seems as dressed up in high-school titillation and suburban mythology as “rainbow parties” and housewife orgies. Despite my incredulity I’ve been asked by gents (and ladies) to join them in the bedroom with their respective partner. I’ve never accepted though because a] I don’t do ladies for a start, and b] it’s good etiquette to only accept if you’re willing to pay (or at least able to convincingly feign) equal interest in both partners.

Of course sometimes you might luck out and find yourself being asked to sex-up Brad Pitt while his Angelina watches, saving you from the mortifying prospect of having to lick, finger, caress or otherwise indulge their partner’s unattractive parts - like, say, their face. It takes two to tango and before throwing your keys into the salad bowl at the next footy club BBQ you really need to sit down and nut out the details of what your limits are, what you want sexually, and who you’re willing to let into the bed.

Firstly, don’t be a dummy - outsource! No distant cousins, no teammates, no co-workers and no friends. Ideally choose someone who falls in between being mutually attractive and non-threatening and definitely someone who you won’t be seeing regularly. There are dedicated internet forums out there for couples and single third parties (not to mention any and all gay ‘dating’ apps/ websites).

If you have somebody specific in mind (and let’s be honest many couples do, even if only hypothetically), take the slow and steady approach. Do: sound them out on the idea in general, probe, and pursue the idea with them gently if they seem amenable. Don’t: get drunk and initiate an intimate and “spontaneous” ménage a goon.

It’s a little unfair to invite your friend / acquaintance over and spring a surprise sex party on them under false pretenses.

Always be upfront with where your limits are, nobody wins points in life for being a doormat, or a sexual martyr. If you don’t want to see your partner kissing somebody else on top of your doona, make that clear. A threesome works like a sports game. It’s only good when everyone knows where the goals are, how to score, and what the rules of the game are. If you’re the lucky individual being asked, be considerate. Keep in mind you’re being asked by both people. Be honest about your limits, find out what theirs are. Have they done this before? And never ever assume you’ll be more than a one-time hoot. Remember you’re being invited into the prom, you only get one opportunity so be classy, graceful and then leave with good memories.

Some final thoughts: You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel Gettin’ horny now - Bloodhound Gang, The Bad Touch.

Got a question or need some advice? nsa.advice@gmail.com

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Thank goodness for these wonderful characters that fill our society and spark our interest, causing us to smile and converse with strangers. They make us think outside the box and without them we would be living in an extremely bland black and white world.

The Tracker This immaculately dressed penny pincher is obviously fed up with prices of drinks in Perth these days, so he frequently resorts to other means. He is known to Metropolis Fremantle staff for snooping around the bottom of bars, collecting coins and entertaining those around him with his unique dance moves. On rare occasions he will buy an Emu Export with a mountain of 5 and 10c coins. His resourceful behaviour should be applauded… if he wasn’t so busy stealing other people’s drinks when their backs were turned, and laughing from the other side of the club at their confusion.

Betty One of the more popular faces of Perth is the charming Betty (AKA The Crazy Flag Lady). She is well-known for riding her scooter in the city like a maniac, swerving in front of cars, and yelling abuse at pedestrians and construction workers on site.

Her love for Australia shows, with flags covering whatever she is riding at the time. When the police took her beloved scooter away, Betty made do with an old push bike. Times were tough, but good news! She finally got her scooter back. The bad news, she got it confiscated again for riding around in circles in the middle of the Hay Street and Collins Steet intersection, yelling at cars “you’re late, you’re late, for a very important date”. Oh Betty, we love you!

Piney This individual bloke is known to get around in style, driving the flashest car on the block. The problem is that no one believes him.

Piney is famous for thinking he was driving around the city, making realistic car noises and gear changes. He would stop at imaginary traffic lights with a screech of the brakes, and reverse with loud beeping if he saw anything interesting. He would also ask for your name, and write it in his invisible notepad. Hmm, seems legit.

Kookaburra Man This fellah from Vic Park sidles up to people on the street, or in a supermarket, and says “hello, hello” in a quiet, submissive voice. Once he has their attention, he unleashes an incredibly loud Kookaburra laugh in their face, making people drop their groceries in shock. Not unusual behaviour for someone from Perth, I guess.

Kenny Kenny of Kelmscott has a particularly strange interest in photography and other people’s clothing. In a high-pitched voice, he would approach people and ask to take a picture of them. If that wasn’t bad enough, he would then ask to buy their pants, belt, hat or shoes. Some kids actually made a profit, buying cheap Target shorts, and selling them to Kenny for ridiculous amounts of money. Shame you you, exploitative yoof!

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Pigeon Lady It sounds all too cliché, but this dear lady lives on the streets of Perth, carrying around cages of pigeons wherever she goes. Apparently, she catches the pigeons in the morning and releases them the same day. At least the pesky birds don’t suffer too horribly.

However, her reasoning for catching pigeons will tear at your heart strings: she keeps them for company throughout the day. Aww!

The Claremont Walker There is an elderly gentleman with a massive hunch, seen walking up and down Stirling Highway every day, for over 20 years. This man is the infamous Claremont Walker. He has been seen from as far as Fremantle to Scarborough, but prefers the scenery of Stirling Highway. People say he walks to help the blood clots in his legs, and occasionally pushes a wheelbarrow. Regardless of his reason, he is quite the inspiration to be active for all those fond of driving everywhere. He also loves cardboard.

Lenny The ‘Trolley lady of Scarborough’ (Lenny) is often seen with a trolley and a white pet rabbit. Sporting dreadlocks and various bandanas, she sometimes is seen with kittens in her trolley. As a local celebrity of Scarborough, she has a Facebook fan page (‘Scarborough Trolley Lady Of Scarborough’), with over 4000 likes! She sometimes frequents Innaloo shops with her trolley and rabbit.

Mr Murray This man rides his bike down Wanneroo Road daily, he rides with no shirt on to display the large ‘carpet’ of hair on his back. He has a Facebook fan page (‘for everyone who knows the hairy guy that rides the bike on Wanneroo Rd’) with close to 5000 likes. He is a local legend causing no harm to anyone, but I never understand how someone who rides his bike so much still has such a beer belly.

Alex The ‘Bird Man’ is the guy with the well-trained parrot on his bike who hangs around ‘Old Shanghai’ in Northbridge. His real name is Alex Miliojevic. At 74 Mr Miliojevic has even been included in a short film focusing on his 44 year relationship with his corella, before the bird disappeared. His bike is often seen propped up outside cafes with his parrot waiting patiently on the foliage-covered handlebars.

Nipples & Wanneroo Kilt Man ‘Nipples’ is often seen around the Joondalup area sporting a black gym singlet that proudly displays his nipples. Power walking through Lakeside shops with his gym duffle bag; I’m not completely sure if he has actually been to the gym or just wants an excuse to show off his nips.

‘Wanneroo kilt man’- This middle aged man walks around Wanneroo in his kilt in any weather holding a man bag, which I like to think contains a miniature set of bagpipes. Credit for showing his national pride, but I dread to imagine this attire on a windy day.

Mad Dog And last but not least, one of the most renowned characters of Perth: Mad Dog! He usually lurks around the streets of Vic Park, riding a crappy bike, and preying on innocent cars. In ginger ninja stealth mode, he would ride up alongside a stationary car at traffic lights, and yell “ARRGHH” at their window. It would scare the absolute shit out of people. His appearance is typically ‘Perthish’, with short Stubbies, a blue singlet, and a particularly horrid attitude (perhaps due to his orange curly hair).

Words by Rachel Knight & Shannon Woods Images by Grace Mckie

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Burger King is called Hungry Jacks. I laughed so hard the first time I noticed it. Of course, Perth can’t follow the mainstream.

That would make Perth... normal.

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When I asked a girl in a clothing store when I could start wearing the coat I bought, she replied: “In a couple of weeks, it gets really cold here!” When I asked her what “cold” means, she answered “13 degrees”. I started laughing, and imagined the girl venturing outside on a -25 Norwegian winter day. “13 degrees is like a bad summer in Norway,” I told the girl. She didn’t really believe me.

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You always say “How are you?” or “How`s it going?” to everyone you meet, even if you don’t know them. You are supposed to answer “Im fine thanks, how are you?” no matter how shitty you feel. Pretty exhausting to remember for a not very polite Norwegian! After being here for two weeks, I swore to myself I’d kill the next person who asked me that question. Slowly, I’ve gotten used to it and now I see my own people as rude arseholes for not following the Australian example.

Australian lollies taste of unnatural, genetically-modified and cancer-causing, artificial colouring. I never thought I would survive more than a week without lollies, not to speak of months, and on top of that, be genuinely happy about it.

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The tap water here tastes of chlorine and takes its toll on my hair.

After two years in Perth I still haven’t learned to drink it, and have been forced to do many extra hairdresser sessions to remove the chlorine caused dreads from my Nordic and once so silky hair.

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The city centre of Perth is actually pretty small compared to the size of the town. Coming from a small country, I find Perth’s CBD amazingly cosy!

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People here are a lot more open and friendly than in Scandinavia.

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The opening hours here are extremely limited, as if we were living in the early 60s or something. It is not possible to buy anything or go to a cafe after 4 or 5 PM (okay, a slight exaggeration, but it feels this way). However, lectures at uni sometimes last until 10PM, which is shocking to me. It should be the other way around! Perth politicians, you’ve realised we’re in the 21st century, right?

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I was allowed to get my nickname printed on my student card over here. Good thing the uni admins don’t know that “Marte Marengs” means “Marte the Meringue” (as in the dessert). I’d never be allowed to put on a nickname on a student card back at home.

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Koalas are cuter in real life than on pictures, but smaller, and annoyingly lazy. I didn’t travel 32 hours on a sweaty plane not to get an affectionate cuddle, you cute, fluffy bastard!

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Most homeless people I’ve seen here are Indigenous Australians.

That’s sad.

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The silicon-boobs–and-Restylane-lips-girl in my journalism class doesn`t know what a verb is. That’s even more sad.

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The weather here is always amazing! (13-degree winter days included, as long as it doesn’t rain).

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The civic standard over here is overall HIGH, I still haven`t seen any strikingly dirty streets.

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The public transport sucks. It’s very cheap though. Did you know a single bus ticket for a 15-20 minute ride costs $7.50 in my hometown Trondheim?

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People drive on the wrong side of the road. Again, why can’t you follow the mainstream, Perthverts? Ah, I remember, it’s because that’d make you normal.

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I have an amazing pool right outside my door. I don’t know anyone who would afford to buy a pool back at home. Maybe the King or something.

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The layout of the IKEA-building, inside and outside, is completely the same to that of my hometown. If I couldn’t see the dollar price tags on things, I would have thought I was back in Trondheim.

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It is common to address strangers with “sweetie, “love” and other tooth decaying words here. The first time I bought a coffee at Aroma, the woman behind the counter called me “love”, and I seriously thought she was flirting with me. It made me feel really uncomfortable. Back at home, you don’t call someone “love” unless you’re flirting, and even when flirting, it would, on some occasions, be like crossing boundaries you shouldn’t cross. Get a ring on your finger before calling someone “love”! Haha, just kidding! At least just a little bit.

Words & by Marte Hegstad Image by Kate Prendergast

Causes Living in Perth. An individual is who they are as a result of two factors, environment and biology. Because of the failure and criticisms of eugenics throughout human history, namely during the Twentieth Century, this disease information sheet purely concerns itself with environmental factors. When people are surrounded by the same stimuli – art, sport, politics, media, comedy, etc. – they gradually develop similar personal behavioural traits and characteristics. This primarily takes place during our early developmental phases, and is termed socialisation. This is when our norms, customs, and ideologies are instilled during this process.

Symptoms • You don’t like the Perth Bell Tower. You think it’s a waste of money and space, and consider it an eyesore.

• You don’t like the Perth Convention and Exhibition Centre (also termed ‘The Cockroach’). You think it’s a waste of money and space, and consider it an eyesore.

• You don’t like the cactus in Forest Chase. You think it’s a waste of money and space, and consider it an eyesore.

Danno of Bayswater, obviously suffering with Perthitus, wrote on a PerthNow.com article entitled ‘$1m sculpture erected in Forrest Place’, “Heads should roll over this... Donate this to Adventure World or put it on the roof of scitech Assuming my parking fines paid for this? If million people donated $1, cn we get rid of it, its embarassing, tacky, naff. “Welcome to the city of Perth, gateway to the Bell Tower””.

• You post all weather changes to Facebook immediately. This is despite the fact that fellow people who live in Perth are already well aware of the weather, and that people outside of Perth, in all likelihood, couldn’t care less.

• You can’t drive. You believe that all of the following are optional: adhering to the speed limit; remaining within solid white lines; indicating; giving bicyclists sufficient room when overtaking them; and merging.

Merging, or rather the inability to merge, caused such concern that in 2012 the Western Australian Police released a YouTube video called ‘Street Smarts – Merging’. The video included lots of handy advice, such as “you must give way to the vehicle that’s in front of you”, and “you should use your indicator”, is given.

At the time of writing, the most recent post on my Facebook News Feed was, “some #@$*head on Rowe drove half into my lane, right next to me. Had to swerve to avoid crash”.

Excuse the incorrect spelling of ‘Roe Highway’, if the person was suffering from Perthitus, the status was probably posted via mobile while driving.

The Bali effect is two-fold. Firstly, it creates the (false) belief that one is travelled and multi-cultural. In reality, however, the pure number of Perth holidaymakers in Bali is so great that it can be essentially considered an outer Perth suburb; somewhat like Gosnells or Rockingham. Secondly, this insular holiday destination actually exacerbates Perthitus. This is a very serious symptom, and can lead to the acquisition of inferior clothing and useless souvenirs, has been attributed to the spread of ‘Bingtang’ singlets (often found on children), and death.

• You make generalisation about groups of people based on race, sex, sexuality, or geographical location. Personally, these are the people that I really can’t stand. Who do they think they are making gross generalisations?

Exams and Tests If you would say that you are suffering from the majority of symptoms listed above, then you probably have Perthitus. As of yet there is no blood or genetic test to determine whether you are infected. It is recommended that you see a qualified doctor for further analysis.

Treatment Travel is the primary form of treatment. One of the eastern states would suffice, though a country in Europe or Asia (excluding Bali) would be better. Basically, removing yourself from the environment that has caused your Perthitus is the most effective form of treatment. Permanent resettlement is desirable, but if this is not possible frequent trips are better than none. It should be noted that this does not include travel to Bali. Even Albany would be better.

A secondary form of treatment is to be actively engaged with the wider society and different cultures. Learn the laws, learn history, learn that the world doesn’t just consist of Perth. The Perth Cultural Centre – which consists of the state library, state museum, and state art gallery – can be the Aloe Vera gel to your Scarborough-acquired sunburn.

Outlook Bad.

Words by Larry Fife Image by Clairine Ca’o

• An overseas trip consists of Bali. Not the wider Indonesia, not China or Japan, Europe and Africa doesn’t even enter the mind, just Bali. You only go to Bali.

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Johannesburg is a very different city to Perth. I learnt this when I moved to Perth almost thirteen years ago. I was just seven when my parents decided to pick up and leave a place that I was just starting to get to know. I had to leave my close family and friends, which I think is the saddest part about emigrating.

The first personal change was losing my strong South African accent, which disappeared quickly as I became friendly with a lot of Australians at my new school. I developed this new type of accent. One that I have been told repeatedly over the years sounds American, but I feel it is made up of a mix of South African/ Australian/American. The reason for the American part is because I am an addict of American television and films. I also attribute the partly American accent to watching countless episodes of ‘The Bold and the Beautiful’.

My first impression of Perth is that it is pretty, big and spacious. I remember feeling excited and nervous to experience a new place but I felt that I was ready to take on that challenge.

Perth, which is known for its laidback attitude to everything (WA also known amongst locals as “wait awhile”), was the perfect place for my siblings and I to grow up and for my parents to thrive in their respective careers.

In the year 2002, my family was faced with a major life altering decision: what side to pick in the AFL Derby battle. We were new to Perth, and this sport, and had no idea of the rules or even which side was the better option. We chose the West Coast Eagles (which at the time was the obvious choice). I remember picking the Eagles because I liked their colours better than Freo’s. After making this major decision my family and I began our love affair with Perth.

My membership to this great club spans over eleven years and counting. Our love for this great game has helped to keep my family close, as the footy is not only entertaining, but also a great way to spend time with my family. When my siblings and I were younger, our mum would take us to trainings and we were able to get up close and personal with past and present players.

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I often venture back to Johannesburg to visit my family and note (sometimes) how I feel so lucky to live in Perth rather than Johannesburg. Firstly, moving to a city that is so much safer is a bonus. Driving on the streets of Perth is, surprisingly, far safer than driving in Johannesburg, where the speed limit is used as an actual guideline rather than the actual limit. I also enjoy being able to wander the streets in Perth feeling that I could protect myself far better than if I was walking alone in the streets of Johannesburg.

I now find that my friends, who I had left when I moved to Perth, have different values to me. I found that growing up in Perth I was less materialistic and more patient. Whereas in Johannesburg my friends were constantly moving and could never seem to stop obsessing about buying the latest brands. I appreciate the South African influence that I have had over the years, but living the laidback lifestyle definitely has given me more perks in the long term.

The Australian lifestyle, especially living in Perth, has taught me to appreciate the little things in life and be more relaxed. I have also learnt to not stress over the less important details that aren’t worth my time.

Johannesburg, with its bigger city lifestyle, is a great place to travel and experience many wonderful parts of African culture. But if you want a smaller low-key kind of city Perth definitely will do that for you! It has many attractions that I love like the beaches, the quaint coffee shops and the spacious parks for picnics.

There are so many more points I could make about how moving to Perth has allowed me to succeed, but I won’t list them all. As we all know moving away from a city that you have come to know is hard, but it makes it easier if you move to a new place where you can grow. I believe Perth has done that for me. Perth is only going to get bigger and better and I am so happy to watch it grow and be a part of its expanding future.

Words by Shannon Osrin Image by Jessica Paterson

Are you bored? Then imagine this beautiful day: The sun is burning; the birds are screaming. The mountains have erupted; the sea roars with tsunamis. Meteors decorate the blue sky; zombies rise from the ground and (politely) eat your brain.

Ahhh… the apocalypse. It’s the one event that can make a happy man slit his wrists on a fine spring morning.

Many people say Perth is boring. Well, then why don’t we imagine how it can be so much more interesting if one or two apocalypses actually happened here? But what kind of apocalypses are the most suitable for Perth? Let’s take a look at them, starting from the bottom.

5. Zombie Apocalypse Zombie apocalypses seem quite popular nowadays. The basic plot may be something like this: some dorks create physical-enhancement drugs, but then these drugs prove to be too strong and reduce everyone into instinct-driven, flesh-eating monsters.

But zombie apocalypses are not something you want to happen in Perth, thanks to our climate. Think about the temperature in summer.

Now think what would happen if we were overrun with thousands of happy-go-lucky zombies, whose bodies are now decaying faster because of the heat. What would happen? You’d have to hold your breath 24/7, ’cause the zombies, who’re naturally unhygienic, would be decomposing like nobodies business while cracking skulls on Hay Street. So, unless you could teach zombies to use deodorants, let’s not have zombie outbreaks here. Please?

4. World War III Another unlikely apocalypse in Perth, this time thanks to geography.

Being so small and isolated from the major international players that might participate in the next World Wars, Australia has very little chance of being a target of poorly-aimed nuclear bombs and whatnot.

Which is good, I guess. However, with a major naval base opposite Perth and regular visits from America’s nuclear-armed fleet there’s always the chance…

3. Perth Jurassic Park Imagine having a Jurassic Park in Perth. Some dweebs try to bring dinosaurs back to this world and one way or another, these big reptiles run loose and give you a first-hand experience on their eating habits—starting from the person next to you.

But again, I don’t think a dinosaur apocalypses is very likely in Perth, or anywhere in Australia. Mainly because it seems that there weren’t that many dinosaurs in Australia for us to pluck their ancient DNA. Possibly because back in the dinosaur eras Australia wasn’t the best place to live. Its location was much closer to Antarctica, which means the ol’ Perth was much, much colder back then. Oh, there were a few dinosaurs here, but until the next Alan Bond emerges (perhaps one of the more eccentric Rhineharts) I think we’ll be waiting a while before fighting off T-Rex of the Esplanade.

2. Alien Invasion Finally, something that actually can happen now. If you were a friendly alien who wanted to disembowel friendly human specimens for gruesome purposes, where would you go? Not somewhere too crowded, no, ’cause it’d make you easier to spot. And you’d want a place you could see from outer space, of course, like the ‘City of Light’—the words Astronaut John Glenn used to describe Perth. So, alien invasions can happen in this city, if we can make the invaders interested enough in our vital organs. And the best part is, your organs will contribute for the goodness of alien science. Yay(?).

1. Dryland Apocalypse I think this is the most possible type of apocalypses in Perth, since this city already fulfills most of the basic conditions: isolated, a bit lacking in the water department (not around the Swan River, though) and bloody hot in the summer. Usually, this type of apocalypse involves a change in climate and a struggle to find water. The water problem often leads to food problems as well, which often force many of the survivors to fight one another for these basic needs.

Sadly, dryland apocalypse isn’t that common in the popular culture, which is dominated by zombies and versions of World War III. It’s a pity, but in a way, it’s a good thing. That means Perth can have its own brand of apocalypse—not the usual ‘Oh-M-Gee, zombies ripped me head in half’, but something more… unique. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, at least Perth has a Perth-only style of dying a horrible, slow death. Isn’t that nice?

Words by Mr. Insult Image by Jessica Paterson

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Believers say these devil worshippers of Kings Park devour the passing night-walkers and the homeless people around the area, sacrificing their blood to make a gateway for Satan. So, the next time you go to Kings Park at night, strain your ears—and perhaps you can may hear their screams as the knife slits the flesh.

The Beauty from Kalamunda Hotel Can you hear footsteps coming from a dark corridor of the Kalamunda Hotel? Can you see strange lights coming from Room 24, briefly illuminating its residents before dwindling away? Can you feel a kiss, a soft peck on your cheeks, when you’re alone in your room?

A long time ago there was a girl in love. It was said that the original owner of the hotel, Paddy Connolly, was a playboy: he excelled in the art of seduction and his hobby was toying with maiden’s hearts. This young girl in particular was so deeply in love with him, and yet Paddy never loved her back. Eventually the girl got pregnant. She was so distraught by this fact that she went back to her room and threw herself off the balcony. But this suicide didn’t seem to calm her spirit— her ghost still wanders around the hotel, perhaps driven by the shame for her pregnancy and the love she never found in her beloved’s heart.

Urban legends. Axe-holding murderers and faces in a foggy window. Cannibals in dark streets and whispers, touches, sobs in the depth of mist. Every place has its own stories, every city has its own legends: mysterious, often unexplainable tales that involve important places in the city. Knowing its legends means knowing the city—and how much do you about know Perth’s urban legends?

The Grieving Mother of Fremantle Asylum The Old Fremantle Asylum—now known as the Fremantle Arts Centre—was once home to mentally-disturbed women—women who were persecuted and shunned by Perth society. Once upon a time there was a grieving mother living in the asylum. It was said that she had lost her baby daughter, and the grief she experienced was so intense that it tainted her mental well being. Again and again she walked around the asylum, calling out for her baby, waiting for an answer that never came. This was until one day she jumped out of the window, convinced that only death would allow her to meet her baby. As the story goes, the grieving mother is still roaming past the passages and the stairwells of the asylum, searching and calling for her missing daughter.

The Devil Worshippers of Kings Park When you walk in Kings Park at night, amidst the rustling leaves and the crackling trees, can you hear someone chanting? The deep low voices, proclaiming the one thousand names of the Devil, begging for a glimpse of his infernal face? Or perhaps you can hear the dancing around the rousing fire—liturgical performance ode for the blasphemous.

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There are other versions of this story. One says that the young girl doesn’t haunt Room 24—it was another woman, also a guest in that hotel. Another says that Paddy Connolly himself turned into a ghost and also haunts the building. Pick your favourite version.

The Wicked Stepmother of Fremantle Prison When you are in Fremantle Prison, walk around the church. Pay close attention to the windows. At certain times of the day, you may glimpse on the face of Martha Rendell, the only woman legally hanged in Western Australia.

Martha Rendell didn’t live an easy life. She left home at the age of sixteen. She fell in love with a married man with nine children. She abandoned her own children to chase after her new lover. Ten years after their romance started, Martha could finally live with her lover, along with his five youngest children. It was also around this time that Martha Rendell started a new hobby - making her stepchildren drink a solution of hydrochloric acid, killing three of them before she was arrested and sent to Fremantle Prison. A neighbour once claimed to see her watch her dying stepchildren with a look of pure glee in her face, “rocking back and forth as if in ecstasy”.

To this day, Martha Rendell is still in the prison, looking out mournfully from the inside of the church. But if seen from the inside, the window is empty, nothing can be seen. What was she watching from there? Maybe she was hoping she could return to the other two of her dearest stepchildren—whom she didn’t have the chance to murder before her arrest.

Words by Anonymous Smith Image by Kate Prendergast

A few days ago I was asked if I thought Perth was like a big town or a small city and I couldn’t believe people were still asking this question. I relocated from Perth to Sydney in the early 80s and discovered then that Eastern-Staters and overseas travellers were ignorant about the size of Perth—some believing that kangaroos hopped around Perth streets.

As a teenager living in the small town of Cunderdin, I dreamed of living an exciting life in Sydney. I loved the idea of moving to a place where nobody knew me and I couldn’t wait to shake-off my country-town roots, to reinvent myself as an urban dwelling cityslicker and to experience the freedom of anonymity.

When I arrived in Sydney as a twenty-year-old everything was new and exciting. I was conscious of the huge differences between living in Perth and Sydney and when compared, Perth did seem tiny and underpopulated. Initially, I felt overwhelmed by Sydney’s size. Everywhere I looked there were busy, rushing people and I struggled to keep up with the massive crowds crossing the inner city and wide suburban streets. Everywhere I drove I followed long lines of cars as they nudged through traffic that made peak hour in Perth seem like a casual Sunday drive.

As an image-conscious female, it only took a few side-ways glances and snide comments from co-workers for me to realise that Perth fashion was behind Sydney’s and that my outdated look prevented me from blending in. After getting lost on lunch-time shopping trips and having to phone and ask for directions back to the office, my workmates saw me as a real country-bumpkin and this was exacerbated by my ignorance of things like the distances people travelled to get to work and why inviting people from outer suburbs to come over on weekends was met with rolled eyes and silent, shaking heads.

In Perth, rock bands were generally tied to one or two venues and music patrons had to cross the Swan River and travel distances to follow them. In Sydney, the top Australian bands played a music circuit and every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night the bands rotated and played in different suburban pubs and I soon realised why the girls I worked with preferred to socialise closer to home— bands like Cold Chisel, Rose Tattoo, The Divinyls and INXS came to play in my backyard.

As a fledgling Sydney resident I did all the touristy things. I took a double-decker bus tour of Kings Cross and explored all the popular nightspots. I visited The Rocks, Luna Park and the Opera House.

One day I packed a cut-lunch, braved the Sydney traffic and drove over the Sydney Harbour Bridge (YOLO). I crossed an activity off my Sydney wish list every weekend and at work on Mondays, my anecdotes and praise of all things Sydney were met with boredom and yawns (it’s just a bridge).

The first time I stepped onto a ferry at Manly and trekked across the Harbour to work, it felt awesome. Everywhere I looked there was something new to see. However, I soon transformed into a daily commuter and in less than a month could be seen reading a book and checking my watch as we chugged past the Opera House. A few months later, instead of spending-up on weekends, I was saving for a holiday and my life-style in Sydney began to resemble the life I’d left behind in Perth.

I was sitting in an up-market Paddington hair salon having my hair cut off and the top permed into a trendier style – one that would match my new pointy-toed shoes and fashionably-punk wardrobe – when I mentioned that I’d moved from Perth to Sydney.

‘Oh, you’re from Perth!’ the hairdresser squealed. ‘Then you’d know Anne Sanders, wouldn’t you?’ When I explained that I knew who the television personality was but had never met her, my stylist was surprised. ‘But, isn’t Perth like a big country town where everyone knows each other?’

This was the first of many occasions where I found myself defending Perth and promoting its value as a city. I pointed out its positive features (free to park at beaches; no bridge tolls; cheaper rent; less distance between everything; better weather; less traffic and pollution, less crowded and noisy) and realised that Perth is a backward place—but in a good way.

Perth’s population is over 1.8 million, which is more than Copenhagen’s, and 1.5 million more than the average big town.

Perth has its own features to attract the tourist dollar (it’s just a tower) and it might not be as fast-paced or chock-full as larger cities, but isn’t it time we lay the ‘just a big town’ myth to rest?

Words by Dianne Zanetti Image by Kate Prendergast

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If you’re like me, you’ll come to a point in your education where you just want to quit everything and take a holiday, except you’ve got work to go to, and classes to attend, and you just don’t have enough money for a return ticket to Melbourne, let alone accommodation. Well, ask for leave and email your lecturers anyway, because there is one very cost effective way to take a holiday – stay at home!

In Perth, you ask? Really? Well, people really underappreciate Perth, both as a city and a tourist destination. I have heard far too many Perthverts complain, “there’s nothing to do in Perth!” Well, get up off your computer, laugh at the giant booger in Forrest Chase, and then wander down to one of the other great attractions Perth offers, like…

Perth Zoo Website: perthzoo.wa.gov.au Cost: $22 for adults, $18.00 for students Open: 9AM – 5PM every day Why you should visit: It’s filled with adorableness in the form of animals.

Fun fact: Perth Zoo opened its doors at precisely 3PM on October 17 1898. When it did, it had an orang-utan, two monkeys, four ostriches, two lions, and a tiger – a grand total of ten animals.

Today Perth Zoo houses approximately 110 times more animals, not including all the semi-feral and hyped-up school children who wander around during the day. The Zoo is always a great idea, especially if you want to take a picture of a monkey picking it’s bum and tag it as your best friend on Facebook.

Perth Museum Website: museum.wa.gov.au/museums/perth Cost: Free, suggested $5 donation. Special exhibits may be extra.

Open: 9.30AM – 5PM daily Why you should visit: Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs. Dinosaurs. Also, dinosaurs!

The Western Australian Museum and Art Gallery was established in 1891 as the Geological Museum. Six years later they changed the name after the fourth patron spontaneously combusted from the intense boredom of staring at graphite samples. Today, the museum comprises of six public sites, manages 200 shipwreck sites, and eight Aboriginal land reserves. The Perth branch of the museum is located within walking distance of Perth Train Station, and just down the road is the Perth Art Gallery. Look for the dinosaurs in the library.

Scitech Website: scitech.org.au Cost: $17 for adults, $14 for students Open: 9.30AM – 4PM school days, 10AM – 5PM every other day.

Except Christmas and Boxing Day Why you should visit: Because science is awesome.

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Scitech opened its doors on August 13 1988. Ten years later it was inducted into the WA Tourism Awards Hall of Fame (apparently this is a real thing) after being announced as the Major Tourism Attraction winner four years in a row. Some of Scitech’s major features include the Horizon Planetarium and the feature exhibition, which changes every year. The best part is most of the exhibitions are interactive. This year the theme is Science Fiction, Science Future. Scitech also turns 25 this year! Happy Birthday!

Fremantle Prison Website: fremantleprison.com.au Cost: Varies depending on what tour you decide to have. Check the website for more details.

Open: Tours start at 9AM and conclude at 5PM every day.

Why you should visit: to learn more about WA’s awesome convict history.

Fremantle Prison has a rich history involving convicts and the people who liked to punish them. I’m not going to go too much into it because I have a word limit, but suffice to say it’s a long, gruesome and fascinating history. Fremantle Prison officially closed in 1991.

You can participate in four tours at Fremantle Prison – ‘Doing Time’, ‘Great Escapes’ and ‘Tunnels Tour’, which are available during the day and focus on different aspects of the Prison history.

The fourth, aptly named the Torchlight Tour, runs on Wednesday and Friday nights, and takes you through the prison by torchlight.

If you’re not really into shitting your pants, I’d advise passing this one up, but definitely check out one of the others.

Rottnest Island Website: rottnestisland.com Cost: Your first-born or a small vault of gold.

Open: All the time. It’s an island.

Why you should visit: Quokkas!

Okay, so I know Rottnest Island isn’t technically IN Perth, but I’m including it anyway. You can spend however long you like at Rottnest to really make that ferry ticket worth it. You can reach anywhere on the island by bike, which you can hire there or take with you. Attractions include the Family Fun Park, which includes an arcade, mini-golf, and the cinema, and a multitude of tours, which can be booked at the visitor’s centre, just down from the jetty. Rottnest’s beaches are also better than Perth’s. Just saying.

You can catch a ferry there any day of the year from Perth, Fremantle, or Hillary’s Boat Harbour.

If none of that really interests you then you can always sit at home bitching about how boring Perth is on your Tumblr instead. Each to their own!

Words by Ashley Swetman Image by Grace Mckie

You’ve woken up and you have no idea where you are or who you are. You are in a strange place in some country called Australia, but where in Australia is a mystery. But that’s okay, because I have compiled a list of things to help you determine if you are in, or are from, Australia’s favourite little city, Perth.

You carry cigarettes and a lighter on you even though you don’t smoke.

You know you’re in Perth when...

You complain about congestion. Even though the traffic jam only lasts 10 minutes.

Someone indicates to go straight at a roundabout. Or indicates right to turn off a roundabout. Or turns right at a roundabout but doesn’t indicate. Or someone gets so confused at these fancy fandangled things called roundabouts that they have no idea how to maneuver it at all. Can’t I just go straight through it?

A bag thief runs straight into a glass window and knocks himself unconscious. (If you haven’t seen the video YouTube “Perth bag thief”. You won’t regret it.)

You use a public urinal on a night out.

Buses have exploded. And not because of terrorists.

Catching public transport during peak hour is one of your major nightmares.

It takes years to get anything done. Building a new entertainment centre? Still not completed, even though 2 years ago it was expected to be finished. Sinking the train lines in the city? Try another 5 or 6 years. Light railways to the Eastern suburbs? Yeah that’s not going to happen any time soon.

You wait till Wednesday to fill up your car.

The best buskers are Asian Hendrix, a guy that plays with glass balls, an overly enthusiastic magician/dancer/singer/annoyance and a man that dresses up (poorly) as a clown.

The sight of a dual lane roundabout sends shivers down your spine.

The McDonalds ice cream machine doesn’t work. At every single McDonalds.

Your entertainment centre looks like a transformer.

The Stirling to Clarkson line will be closed this evening for maintenance. Sorry for the inconvenience. Also the Leederville to Perth line will be closed this weekend. And the Esplanade to Glenadlough line will be closed all week. Oh and the Fremantle to Cottesloe line will closed. Again. Sorry for the inconvenience. Good luck getting a bus.

It’s impossible to park at any train station after 7AM.

You don’t even bother to park in between the lines.

You almost have a heart attack when a pint of beer is under $10.

A pint of beer costs you $15.

You go 20k’s under the speed limit just because you can.

You complain about Perth being boring, and then refuse to leave your house to try and find things to do.

You know you’ll never be able to afford a house.

Dick Smith sneaks smutty jokes into their advertisements and catalogues.

Pre-drinks are the highlight of your night.

You have absolutely no idea how to merge.

You avoid Armadale and Rockingham like they have the plague.

You avoid the Hell out of The Deen and Black Betty’s.

You complain about it being too hot.

You complain about it being 20 degrees and too cold.

You complain. About anything and everything you could possibly complain about.

You are attacked for not having a cigarette or a lighter on you.

It reaches 37 degrees in autumn.

Everything is shut after 10PM on a weekday and 2AM on the weekend.

I hope this helped you work out if you’ve awoken in Perth. If you have, start planning your escape. There is hope for all of us!

Words by Francesca Mann

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Think of an injustice, something that fires you up, something you know isn’t right, something that must be changed.

You may think your views don’t matter, and you may doubt that you could really make this world, with all its power and politics, a better place. That’s where you’re wrong.

Activists have been doing it for centuries, so why not become one?

Just over one hundred years ago, women couldn’t vote or hold public office. Half a century ago, Indigenous Australians weren’t considered citizens and their children were forcibly removed.

African Americans lived an unequal segregated life from their white counterparts, while apartheid was a strict reality in South Africa. In the meantime, environmentalism, feminism and animal rights had gained little force.

The grass roots body’s Kimberley Project Officer, Heidi Nore warns against going it alone. “That’s how activists burn out. There is a terrific energy working with other passionate people and there is so much to learn from other people who have been doing it for years.”

Heidi said new activists should contact organisations that progress their cause, and volunteer to help.

Without activists, the world could’ve been remarkably different.

As you embark on an activist career, you need one integral morsel to sustain your journey: passion.

Socialist-Alliance member, Zebedee Parkes also advocates group work. He said his activism started by being inspired by likeminded people who shared his outrage about the Iraq War and climate change.

Rohan Wenn is a media coordinator for Get Up!, an independent movement committed to Australians’ participation in their democracy. Rohan stressed the first step of activism is to know what you believe in.

“You can never make significant changes by yourself, especially when you’re up against major multinational corporations and governments who serve their interests. As part of a group you can organise to create change.”

“You need to have a cause; you need to have something that you’re passionate about. You need to be passionate about it enough to want to get in there and make a difference.”

So, you’ve established your message, joined an organisation or built your own members’ base. Now you need a strategy for change.

Rohan believes political engagement is equally as crucial. With the subtly of politics and the agendas of corporations, you have to understand your issue and what is happening around it.

“You need to understand the game, before you play it.”

According to environmentalist Aiden Ricketts’ Planning and Mapping Your Campaign, there are three types of strategies activists can employ: public awareness, direct action and legal action.

Ziah Elliot is inspired by human rights activism. As the Convenor and President of University of Newcastle’s Amnesty International Group, she fights for political, economic, religious and cultural equality.

Ziah adopts public awareness strategies; her main plan is peaceful activism by raising consciousness in her local area through pamphlets, meetings, forums, debates and events.

“I consider myself very lucky to have been born in a nation that is first world, with all of the accompanying securities and privileges that Australian citizenship provides.

“The injustice of this world was the initial motivation for me to enter into human rights activism.”

Ziah said the next step of being a successful activist is to understand the full details of your cause, to have a clear message.

“Researching all perspectives on the issue that you’re passionate about is essential to ensure that you’re not perpetuating biases and to prepare yourself for possible resistances and/or challenges to your message.”

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The Wilderness Society has had a 30 year long career in environmentalism. As instrumental savers of the Tasmanian rainforests, Kakudu and establishers of Australian marine parks, they advocate strength in numbers.

“The University Amnesty International group that I convene is primarily focused upon community education and broadening… understanding about the experiences of vulnerable individuals and groups in our world.”

Get Up! relies on the new media landscape of Facebook and Twitter. Rohan said activists should use this environment to start online campaigns and ‘talk back’ to the power houses of society.

“There used to be a time when you used to have a certain view about things.., you wouldn’t know it if other people felt the same way. Now you can get online and find like-minded people and band together...You’re more powerful.”

Direct-action involves expressing your message through strikes, sit ins, protests and rallies.

Zebedee and his Socialist-Alliance mixes awareness with directaction, promoting their view through leaflets, conferences and their publication Green- Left Weekly, while also directly rallying their issues.

“On the day seeing so many different groups...from the local electoral reform Malaysian group to anti-uranium walkers...was a great success in building links of solidarity.”

Zebedee said aspiring activists need to “look at other campaigns around the country and the world... Study how victories have been won and learn how often it involved a few people campaigning for years on end until change happened.”

Legal action involves highlighting the legal breaches of corporations or political entities, to make a change. Legal representation can be expensive; however organisations like Victoria’s Activist Rights and state Environmental Defenders Offices advocate legal support for activists.

Heidi said The Wilderness Society isn’t afraid to use legalaction to advance its agenda, currently taking the Environmental Protection Authority (EPA) and the WA Environmental Minister to court over the James Price Point gas hub.

As you become inspired by the changes you can make, Rohan stressed it is vital activists realise that vast transformation won’t all come at once, there will be setbacks.

“But that’s no reason to give up...The race isn’t won until it’s over.

So just keep pushing, and pushing, and pushing.”

Know Your Rights Before you start rallying and protesting for change, it is important to understand the rights and restrictions placed on activists in Australia.

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Activists are granted the right to freedom of expression and opinion, and the right to peaceful assembly. These principles are upheld by state laws and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

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Plan ahead: A rally or protest on a public or private land adjacent a street requires written approval from the police.

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Non-violent direct action: The Wilderness Society advises peaceful activism is most credible, avoiding violence to others and not damaging property to advance your cause.

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Avoid unruliness and riots: Under Western Australian law, participating in an ‘unruly assembly’ ensues a one year prison term, while being a part of a riot can result in 3 years in jail.

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The police can override the right to protest: According to the

Being an activist is about maintaining a ‘free’ world through justice and change. Ultimately, for Ziah, participatory democracy is vital in a globalised world.

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Environmental Defenders Office, authorities commonly halt protests due to road obstruction, national security breaches, to maintain public safety and deter nuisance to others.

“We are global citizens and it is essential that we consider our responsibilities to all members of the international community and ensure that we promote democratic principles.”

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Beware of defamation: Fitzroy Legal Services warns activists of possible defamation actions, as powerful corporations or individuals can sue activists for lowering their public standing. However, Bond University offers a “Defamation Kit” which stresses that truth, fair reportage and comment can be possible defenses.

Ziah reminds activists that it’s the small wins that matter, as big change requires adjustments and transitions; it’s perseverance that is the key.

“Because there is always hope and we should never abandon important causes. Even if we cannot change situations, in many cases vulnerable groups need to feel our support and solidarity almost as much as they need their situation to change.”

To sustain a career in activism is to maintain a vital role in the health of your democracy.

Heidi urged: “Democracy involves more than just numbering a box every 4 years. Democracy involves actively participating, speaking out about issues that are important to you and helping hold our institutions to account.”

Words by Amy Pracilio

Originally published in Third Degree

19

Culture

“Fremantle Prison� (Top) Image by Jessica Paterson Untitled (bottom) Image by Gabriella Camera

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A Place

Culture

The greenery held many things; life. Throughout the grass, insects scurried and burrowed - a ladybird here and now flitting from place to place, a dragonfly abuzz. The niche, though small, supported life and the birds above hopped about looking for a morsel. Birds calling, singing, they brought attention to the place, and wonder seized her when they flew by.

Across the way, the pond sheltered a whole population of more tame birds – ducks. By the dozens, they swarmed to humans, hoping for bread and their swoosh through the water was nothing short of majestic. Their black-grey feathers, long beaks and small beady brown eyes defined them, along with their few feathers that turned from purple to green, depending on the light – like a magic trick within nature itself. Now, they came in hordes towards her, although she lacked bread they came all the same. After a while, they returned to the water, but a few curious ducks decided to circle her from time to time, so close she could almost touch them. They brought back memories of the pet ducks she used to have – every winter since she could remember, two ducks would always reside in her pool year after year, cat or no cat, dog or no dog. Every year, except for the one that had just been – the pool cover eventually deterred them after a few days.

She brought her nearest and dearest down here, this was a place she felt at home. Ideas were constructed here, thoughts were pondered and there was peace. Here, ducks had bitten one of her friends, been lured into being caught bare-handed by another friend, been released into the wild after climbing up a storm drain in her street…. She had been on the central island where the eggs were, after swimming across a long time ago. Today, the water looked green with algae, a result of too many nutrients in the water probably, but the water line had noticeably receded. Continuing to listen to music, the ducks still wandered near, but once they returned to the water she departed to follow the sun. Leaving, she set off to watch the sunset and to wander wherever her legs took her.

Words by Veronica Lowe

What was Perth like?

City of two million (Give or take a few hundred thou) Low density living, urban sprawl City in a zillion It’s like…, WOW! Through tourist eyes A great place to be White sand dunes, Australian crawl Blue skies So much to see Black Swan River Ferry trip, South Perth Zoo Wine cruise; Ferris wheel Bell tower Rottnest Island too High heeled clubbing Party bus tour Vibrating speakers; lighting surreal Ears ringing Hangover cure Nude bathing Swanbourne beach Skydive, helicopter flight Dusk sailing Sunset gold and peach

Two People, One Beach The day was at its end. Hands running through the grass as the last rays of soothing orange lit the sky, he let it all unfold. Evening began to fall, to gradually transform the colours in the sky; darkening it until soon it was hard to see by the sky. The air warm, he stood straight and walked wherever his legs carried him, no direction – only bliss.

Budding romance Legs tangled, crumpled sheet Souvenirs packed; suitcase closed tight Last slow dance Hard to beat Words by Dianne Zanetti Image by Deblina Mittra

At the beach, where the water lapped at the sand, it rose and fell gently; soothingly. Long behind him was the world, although metres away, it could not disturb him. Shedding his brown jacket and shoes, he walked towards the welcoming water and all its sweetness. The water met him with embrace, cooled him down, and soothed him. Stars lighting the sky like tiny torches, he laid back, floating, letting everything flow out - all the stresses, all the thoughts. This was the peace he’d been needing, but something still bothered him. It was on the way back, during the long trek with his soaking clothes making him shiver that he realised the trouble. The way back was longer because he was heading straight towards the very cause of trouble itself, where moments ago there had been bliss.

Words by Veronica Lowe

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Books

What if my Wollongong circus girl had one of these curios and people were after it? Who might they be? Perhaps the Cirknero, the dark side of the Cirkulatti who were not content with supporting the throne but instead wanted to control it? If my Wollongong circus girl had the curio? Did that mean it could help her overcome those who are chasing her? And, if she’s in possession of a curio, does that means she’s linked to the Eminence – or possibly destined to be the next Eminence, which would mean she’s a telepath, and suddenly I was on a fantasy path.

GSM: Why did you choose the empress Theodora as your historical figure?

I started writing Inheritance with a fictional eminence in the time of Nerva but while reading E.H. Gombrich’s, Little History of the World to my husband and son (I did a lot of the reading on long car trips until we discovered audio books) I came across Theodora, a real empress from the Byzantium, who apparently rose from the circus to become the most powerful woman in her day. That’s when I finally paid attention to the little voice, whispering in the back of my mind that I should be using real women from history.

Theodora was perfect for the role not just because of the circus background (although other accounts say that she came from a well-to-do family in Syria) but because she was so modern. She ruled as an equal with Justinian, her husband, the emperor. She is credited with being the one who stood strong at the time of the Nika riots when Justinian was prepared to flee Constantinople; instead she saved his reign. She had laws passed that meant women were much better off in the Byzantine Empire than anywhere else in Europe or the Middle East at the time. She expanded the rights of women in divorce and property ownership, instituted the death penalty for rape, forbade exposure of unwanted infants, gave mothers some guardianship rights over their children, and forbade the killing of a wife who committed adultery.

GSM: How does one go from writing a non-fiction work about sport and politics to teen fantasy?

After Boycott, I really needed to write something fun, but I wasn’t sure where to start.As a teenager, I loved the stories of Trixie Belden and her teenage team of super-sleuths, the Bobwhites and I was keen to head in the direction of mystery-and-adventure-withfriends.

Then I had the opportunity to interview John Flanagan. I’d read his Ranger’s Apprentice series to my son – my husband usually listened in – and we loved it. Since the series had been inspired

by John’s son it got me thinking; my own son was too young at the time to inspire a teenage series but my niece, a circus girl who lives in Wollongong, had just crossed the teenage ‘threshold’. At the time she was a reluctant reader so I started researching with her in mind.

I discovered the Latin word for circus came from the Greek word, kirkos, meaning circle or ring – since we’re great fans of the Percy Jackson series and the blend of Percy’s modern world mixed with ancient myth I started playing with the spelling of the two words ‘circus/kirkos’ and imagining an ancient circus troupe called the Cirkulatti, always led by a woman, known as the Eminence, who it was said could whisper to the minds of her audience. Her powers – and those of her troupe – were so coveted by rulers that they honoured the ascendance of each new eminence with a piece of jewellery, which together became known as the ‘Curios of the Eminence’.

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During her reign, Constantinople was a great, seething, voluptuous – some would say degenerate – city that could accommodate the many competing religious doctrines of the day. Even Theodora and Justinian differed on which Christian faction they supported.

Justinian was a Chalcedonian while Theodora was a Miaphysite – which to many Chalcedonians was heresy. So Constantinople seemed just the city a circus troupe of unusual abilities, worshipping an ancient pagan goddess, might hang out.

GSM: You’ve written young adult novels before but not fantasy – was that a challenge?

Fantasy was one of the many challenges of this book. Turning the idea of an ancient magical circus troupe reforming in modern times into a narrative meant I quickly had a grand saga on my hands that included magic, mystery, history, and family (the Cirkulatti is an extended family), not to mention battle scenes, all interwoven with the most important element of YA fiction: relationships, and a hint of romance. The great attraction of YA fiction is that you can do that all in one book whereas in adult fiction you would be forced to commit to one genre.

But I found it was a lot easier to read fantasy than to write it – I was definitely intimidated by the magic in the early drafts. I knew my Eminence was a telepath but who was around her and what did they do? I wrote many thousands of words trying to work that out.

Interview by Jessica Paterson

Books

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Books

Shine Light Marriane De Pierres

Marilyn: the Passion and the Paradox Lois Banner

The Mimosa Tree Antonella Preto

The Night Creatures series is a creative spin on a blend of fantasy and science fiction with fast paced story lines and a climax that will leave your jaw feeling as if you’ve just been sucker punched.

This latest biography is written by academic Lois Banner, a professor of history and gender studies. However, it is by no means a dry academic study of this screen goddess: it is both well written and thoroughly researched. The material is presented within a feminist context and that of near contemporary society, specifically the civil rights struggle and the sexual revolution of the sixties (No accident, her comedy screen persona regularly preferred the shy, nerdy types to conventional macho guys).

An eloquent tale of a young girl’s quest for independence. The Mimosa Tree is the debut novel from Western Australian, born and raised author Antonella Preto.

All the familiar elements are covered: her bipolar moods, dyslexia, drug addiction, affairs with famous men, the suspicious circumstances of her death and unhappy childhood in foster care and orphanages.

However, this author augments the existing picture by revealing facts not explored or even mentioned in previous books.

For example, she lists and discusses the exact number of foster families Marilyn lived in; provides a scenario of her early childhood sexual abuse. In addition, she mentions her speech impediment: a stutter, which she masked by developing her trademark, soft, sultry and slow public speaking voice. Perhaps the most ‘controversial’ exposé is the fact of her bisexuality – her lesbian affairs which have rarely been discussed in detail.

The Mimosa Tree is a stellar debut effort on Preto‘s part, it is easy to read and awash with a sense of maturity many authors often lack. In terms of the novel’s overall content the plot line is relatable: oppressive parents, unique friendships and alternative romances. All the makings of a tween-loving best seller.

In the stunning conclusion to the Night Creatures trilogy, Shine Light reveals the secrets of Island Ixion where Naif must return in order to lead a revolution.

Having learned the horrific fate of those withdrawn from Ixion and discovered the conspiracy between Grave and the Ripers, Naif now must solve the mystery of Ixion’s eternal night to save her friends before their time runs out. Fast paced and action packed, Shine Light races towards the shocking climax that sees the teens in a pitched battle against the night creatures. De Pierres seamlessly brings together the characters I have met over the preceding books in a gripping series of events.

With the Ripers split and the night creatures restless, danger is ever present for Naif and the rebels as they search for the answers they need. Naif is almost unrecognizable from the timid baby bat that came to Ixion in search of her brother in Burn Bright. In Shine Light she comes into her own. Loyal, determined and fearless, she refuses to give up. She will have to navigate her way through a steamy romance with an undesirable Riper to which she is unfortunately bonded and sweet talk the rebel gangs into putting aside their rivalries and uniting together to fight the good fight.

While Shine Light deftly concludes the trilogy, tying up loose ends and revealing Ixion’s secrets, it seems to me that the author has left a thread that could be picked up again in the future.

3/5 Reviewed by Jessica Paterson

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Through analysis of her films, family and lifestyle, she emerges as a complex and intelligent individual striving to create an authentic screen image and identity, despite being racked by terrible, lifelong insecurities. Far from the ‘dumb blonde’ she often portrayed, she sought to establish herself as a serious dramatic actress.

3/5 Reviewed by Andrew Douglas

Set in the summer of 1987 The Mimosa Tree tells the tale of Mira, a young woman determined to rebel against all that she has known up to this point in her life. Armed with a new hairstyle and a quick wit she is set to tackle her first year of university, much to her traditional Italian family‘s dismay.

The sickly sweet cover art alone is enough to draw you in and keep you drawn in until the very last line.

A well-written literary debut, for an Australian author no less The Mimosa Tree is a coming of age story like no other. Fighting the repressive nature of her family‘s traditional values, Mira presents herself as a literary ally, someone readers will be able to relate to in times of parental irritation and familial stress.

If you are in the mood for a laid back, easy to read delight then this is the novel for you. I highly recommend giving it a go.

3/5 Review by Madeline Mckenzie

Film

Hyde Park on Hudson Director: Roger Michell Starring: Bill Murray, Laura Linney, Olivia Williams

Sleepwalk With Me Director: Mike Birbiglia Starring: Mike Birbiglia, Lauren Ambrose

Identity Thief Director: Seth Gordon Starring: Jason Bateman, Melissa McCarthy

I’m American and when I think of our 32nd President, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, the famous line, “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself” comes to mind.

I had great respect for the president who is remembered for leading the American people out of the Great Depression, enacting a number of reform programs (many that are still in place today) and for responding to the second most famous attack on US soil, Pearl Harbor.

Sleepwalk With Me. It sounds like the title of a corny romance film; actually didn’t Kirsten Stewart sleepwalk through the Twilight trilogy? Zing. Or perhaps a melancholic love ballad; I can imagine Morrissey kicking himself for not thinking of that one first.

With the premise of two polar opposites colliding together, there is bound to be extreme results. Having your identity stolen from you is not only disastrous, but it can change your whole life. The sinister crime, the prelude to chase; the cat and mouse game begins…

However Sleepwalk With Me is no romance; rather, it’s a convincing argument why not to get married. It’s also pretty funny, and although I didn’t find it as funny as the older members of the audience, it had its moments.

With his reputation in tatters, Sandy (Jason Bateman) sets out to find his identity thief Diana (Melissa McCarthy) without tact or strategy, leaving the door wide open for her to further extend his humiliation. The film demonstrates how easily people can be conned, again and again, and this in itself is quite humorous.

Then I saw Hyde Park on Hudson. The image of the strong-willed, compassionate leader bound only by his wheelchair is forever compromised because of Roger Michell’s latest project. Roosevelt, as played by funnyman Bill Murray, now conjures images of a philandering, smarmy man who used women more than he used his own wheelchair. Murray did a surprisingly good job in playing the former president. However, because of an underdeveloped script, his character and the rest of the cast were unable to engage audiences in this story.

The movie revolves around the first visit of King George VI and Queen Elizabeth to President Roosevelt’s vacation home in upstate New York. What happens over the course of the weekend is at times funny, in large thanks to the King (Samuel West) and Queen (Olivia Williams). Without them, this movie would be completely lost. Daisy Suckley (Laura Linney), his fifth cousin, emerges as an unfortunate character, falling helplessly in love with the President.

What could have been a great insight into the complex life of a great leader turned into an undeveloped short story hardly worthy of the 90 minutes it had on screen.

5/10 Review by Julie Khan

Basically it’s an autobiographical story about comedian Mike Birbiglia’s formative years as a hapless comic with bad jokes and a flawed relationship, and how his experience with a dangerous sleepwalking condition led him to turn his life around.

Birbiglia wrote, directed and starred in the film, and this shines through. The intimacy with which he lays bare his character—which is supposedly based on his younger self—is done with such an absence of inhibition only a stand-up comedian could manage. Basically, Birbiglia was a massive loser, on the verge of sliding into a miserable middle age of failed dreams, and the film doesn’t skirt around this.

For the first 45 minutes this bugged me, as the character really lacked the sort of traits I like. But as the film went on and the character underwent a major transformation I really started to like him. Even if the changes were predictable, the experiences that shaped those changes were hilarious and relatable. Birbiglia’s cut backs from “the future” are particularly entertaining.

6/10 Review by Luke Pegrum

Throughout the movie, Diana shows quick-wit, strength and a threedimensional layer, and is actually a more likeable character than expected. We are encouraged to respond positively to her, as her life is above the rules and is flamboyantly luxurious. In contrast, Sandy seems too controlled and defined, and this is an initial downfall of the plot.

The temporary ‘alliance’ that is forged between the unlikely duo makes the audience question boundaries and manipulation. It is a journey filled with out-of-theordinary events complete with multiple nemeses, which takes us on an interesting turn. It seems as though the villains are the source of entertainment in this film, giving a refreshing perspective, but as people are pitted against one another, the top dog is the one who jumps the gun.

You will like this film if you enjoyed the light comedies Bridesmaids and Horrible Bosses.

6.5/10 Review by Veronica Lowe

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Film

Thérèse Desqueyroux Director: Claude Miller Starring: Audrey Tautou, Gilles Lellouche

Hara-Kiri: Death of a Samurai Director: Takashi Miike Starring: Kôji Yakusho, Munetaka Aoki, Naoto Takenaka

François Mauriac’s novel from 1927 has been brought to the screen. The titular Thérèse (Audrey Tautou) is struggling with her sexual identity as she has strong feelings for her friend Anna, but is of course restrained by her own thoughts and society to fulfill her desires.

What happens to a tool when it outlives its use? A simple premise made all the more poignant when the tool is a weapon of conflict; when the tool is a samurai.

To satisfy her needs, Thérèse marries Anna’s brother Bernard (Gilles Lellouche), a wealthy owner of the family’s pine forest estate, and an exquisite suitor according to her business-minded father. In similarity to Emma Bovary, Thérèse slowly suffocates in her provincial marriage with Bernard (an emotionally unavailable and haughty dullard) and as Anna falls passionately in love with a local Portuguese Jew, Thérèse begins to understand the repressed feelings and the reason for her monotonous existence: it is without fervent passion.

The films then proceeds to depict Thérèse’s long strive to freedom from the Desqueyroux family’s oppression. She goes as far as to poison her husband slowly with Fowler’s solution, which her husband has been subscribed with to help his heart palpitations.

The film is set up to, as with most rurally focused classical novels, focus more on facial expressions that gives hint of inner monologues, than the plot itself. It is beautifully made with snippets of pictorial French landscape and chic French fashion. This is either the movie you take that way-out-ofyour-league girl in a sad attempt to get laid, or you serve yourself a glass of red Bordeaux (or the cheapest bottle of red wine in the shop that suits your student budget) and simply absorb and enjoy the ‘Frenchness’ of this movie.

This remake of the 1962 classic of the same name is set in 17th century Japan during a time of uninterrupted peace.

Hanshiro (Ichikawa Ebizō XI) arrives at the doors of the noble House of Li requesting the courtyard to be his final resting place: he wishes to commit seppuku, ritual suicide, in line with the warrior tradition of the samurai who has no purpose. The lord’s protector, Kageyu (Kōji Yakusho), informs Hanshiro that a young samurai by the name of Motome (Eita Nagayama) had requested the same honor not long ago. Kageyu proceeds to tell Hanshiro the story of the young Motone and what occurred there.

Compared to director Takashi Miike previous work on the subject, 13 Assassins, this is a much more personal tale of the family life of the samurai and how a loss can weigh heavily on the soul.

Each actor plays their part perfectly filling the roles with real joy, pain and emotion. I was constantly cringing and smiling along with them, especially one gut-wrenching scene rather early on, which shows the truly exceptional depth in their performances.

The cinematography was poignant with smart use of light, colour and shadow always accentuating the mood. The use of 3D, however, was somewhat perplexing since it didn’t really add anything to the experience.

7/10

A stirring performance film with real intensity that’s not for the faint of heart!

Review by Martina Elfinsson

9 / 10 Review by Aron Shick

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Film

Mama Director: Andrés Muschietti Starring: Jessica Chastain, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau Horror movies that are more about suspense than gore are hard to come by. It is surprising that ‘Mama’ is rated PG because it’s actually genuinely frightening. ‘Mama’ is different to the usual horror movies. I have honestly never seen a movie like it.

Mama is a supernatural story about two little girls, Victoria and Lily, who were abandoned in a cabin in the woods and are found several years later. They are barely recognisable as children as they are horrifyingly feral. They claim to have been raised by someone that they call ‘Mama’. The adults shrug it off as being a psychological coping mechanism for being left in a horrible situation. Silly adults…

The girls start their new life with their Uncle Lucas (CosterWaldau) and his girlfriend Annabel (Chastain). The illusive ‘Mama’ is not a huge fan of having someone else tuck in the girls at night, and decides to haunt the living shit out of the family.

‘Mama’ appears as a distorted and ghostly figure that will have you wanting to cover your eyes. The CGI is fantastic as ‘Mama’ really does look seriously spooky. There are plenty of nail biting scenes, and the interesting story is revealed in a satisfying way. A good horror movie is all about the anticipation of something frightening happening. This movie is hugely suspenseful, and the music and sound effects are used to intensify the scariness.

The acting is of a high quality, which is to be expected of Jessica Chastain. The two young girls also did a convincing job. This is a film that breaks away from the typical horror conventions and does a damn good job of it.

7.5/10 Review by Asten Nunn

Oblivion Director: Joseph Kosinski Starring: Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, Olga Kurylenko Set in a bleak, yet eerily beautiful, futuristic and postapocalyptic Earth, Oblivion has all the elements to promise something truly amazing. From the opening scene, Tom Cruise gets this visually stunning story to an exciting and intriguing start that draws the viewer to the edge of their seat.

Cruise leads a very minimal cast, which works in the films favour. It emphasises the desolation and disparity of the characters and the environment around them. Every scene shows meticulous planning and is beautifully directed and shot.

Those without a personal passion for cinematography, however, will quickly find themselves sinking back into their seats, watching scene after scene of Tom at different angles, doing his action hero face.

Director Joseph Kosinski manages to turn the initially intriguing and seemingly clever plot into a slow moving and drawn out spoon feeding. From the continuous insertion of every US landmark depicted in ruins (just in case you forgot it’s the USA), to the somewhat unnecessary flashbacks and voice-overs, there is little reward left for the viewer to make it through the film.

Oblivion is refreshingly not a reboot or reimagining, but quickly falls short of the initial promises, instead playing out like a mishmash of past big-budget sci-fi films. While breathtaking in its look and style, the film fails to stray from the cliche “Aliens vs The World (USA)” plot, and subsequently offering nothing unique or exceptional.

5/10 Review by Joel Grant

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Games

Bioshock: Infinite Developed by Irrational Games (available on PS3, 360 and PC) The ‘Bioshock’ franchise is known for its unique art style and amazing worlds, but also for its big plot twists and wow moments – does this new iteration deliver? The answer is yes, for the most part.

You play Booker DeWitt, a former soldier with a shady past and a stack of debts, contracted by parties unknown to acquire a young girl called Elizabeth from the sky-born city of Columbia. With a brief introduction and only the words ‘Bring us the girl and we’ll wipe away the debt’ as your guide, you are thrust skyward into the lofty utopia – or so they would have you believe it to be.

‘Bioshock: Infinite’ certainly does not disappoint when it comes to living up to the franchise’s style with the floating city of Columbia feeling surprisingly believable: Flying buttresses, quasi-American propaganda posters waving in the high-altitude breeze, and whole neighbourhoods bobbing lazily around you seemingly suspended by nothing but clouds. It’s an experience you don’t soon forget and the initial feelings of vertigo I felt were soon replaced with wonderment.

As great as all that is, this game is still a shooter and as a shooter it’s pretty good. Not great, or exceptionally unique, but pretty darn good. While the weapons you get access to this time around are more advanced, the distances between you and your foes is also drastically greater, meaning that the enemies peerless accuracy can sometimes seem a little unfair. Your foes also have a tendency to run right towards you, which seems a little silly when you remember that they are thinking, rational human beings, and not genetically engineered monsters from the previous titles.

The ‘vigours’ you get access to (replacing plasmids from the previous titles) aren’t as plentiful in variety but they compensate by giving them secondary functions. I appreciated this tighter focus since there were several from the previous games I ignored entirely because they were too situational.

Overall, my time in Columbia was enjoyable and I would recommend it to anyone who is a fan of the previous titles or to anyone who is looking for a shooter with a little more oomph in the story department – the ending alone being reason enough to play through this surprisingly lengthy shooter.

Bioshock: Infinite gets 8 ½ theocratic dystopias out of 10 Review by Aron Shick

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The Walking Dead: The Game If you enjoyed the Goosebumps choose your own adventure books as a kid… then The Walking Dead game is right down your alley. You play the part of Lee Everett, a history teacher who has just been charged with murder and is being transported to jail. Before you can say: “Don’t drop the soap” the world has turned to shit and a zombie apocalypse is unfolding around you. Uh oh…

You make your way through five episodes by investigating your surroundings and choosing which questions to ask and what answers to give. You choose whether to be friendly or frosty. You choose whether to be helpful or hurtful. The way that you respond in certain situations will affect the way that the game unfolds for you, and this is made more exciting by the fact that you have to make these decisions in two or three seconds.

Lee reveals his paternal side when he finds an abandoned little girl named Clementine and takes her under his inexperienced wing. The game is much like the TV and comic book series in that it is not really about zombies; it is about humankind and how our true nature is revealed when we are thrust into unusual situations. Being tested in this way means asking: fight or flight? Lead or follow?

What choices will you make as Lee? The only thing that frustrated me about this game was that I felt like no matter what decision I made, I would ultimately end up at the same place. I played the game twice to prove my theory. I think that the game would have been better if the game-making-gods had created two alternate endings.

I played this game on the ipad 1, which was not ideal as it did not run fast enough. I saw the game played on a PC and felt that it looked a bit clumsy using the mouse or keyboard. The ipads 2 and 3 are the best platforms to use.

Overall, this game is fierce. The graphics are amaze-balls. The animation is much like the comic book, all dark and gloomy.

Each character is believable and the voices are exceptionally well done (actually Clementine won the award for the best performance by a human female at the Video Game Awards).

The storyline is captivating, and like all good things, you will find yourself wishing that the game never ended.

8.5/10 Review by Asten Nunn

Games

State of Play The Next Generation – Playstation 4 You have probably already seen some of the pictures and articles that are starting to appear in magazines and websites, announcing that ‘The next generation of gaming is coming’ with advertisements for the Playstation 4 starting to ramp up the hype.

It was an interesting move for Sony, being a company that is not always known for it drastic innovation, breaking the mould by announcing their system in mid-February rather than the usual June announcement window that accompanies the E3 convention in America.

Many have speculated that this ‘early event’ was done to get Sony a leg-up in the public eye as the more forward thinking company or perhaps to try and corner the lucrative pre-order market before the competition can get a word in. This would make sense since the current console cycle saw Sony release the Playstation 3 a full year and a half after the Xbox 360, which not only hurt their sales but left them with a significantly smaller game library for years after the launch.

Sony executives were confident enough to show some of the system specs and additional features this far in advance that Microsoft could, in theory, steal some of their ideas and implement them for their own. I wouldn’t agree with this in polite conversation but there is something quite bold about simply throwing it all out there, as if to say ‘Now what you gonna do, huh?’ Bold, perhaps too bold.

Since Microsoft have thus far been silent (at time of writing) we can only speculate as to what features will be included with their system.

It has become quite apparent from what little information they have released, (and the significantly larger amount of information from Son)y, that the next generations consoles will focus a great deal more heavily on interactivity: both between other players and with social media.

Sony has opted to have a dedicated ‘share’ button right there on the controller, in an attempt to promote this additional functionality.

This has been met with a wide range of emotion from scepticism to outright rage. From what I have gathered you are able to synchronise your various social media such as Facebook, Twitter, Myspace etc. with your PlayStation network account and immediately upload your efforts such as achievements earned, screenshots or even recorded video of your exploits.

For some this is a superfluous addition but it’s hard to disagree with Sony’s thinking here: everyone has social media accounts and gamers, as a whole, tend to enjoy bragging about their achievements (read: gamer scores, for Xbox users). This seems like a logical extension of the gamer lifestyle but it’s harder to predict how many people will want their Facebook friends to know they just got a gold trophy for getting 100% completion in ‘Singstar: Glee edition’.

Thankfully Sony has moved away from their PS3 system architecture, the originally experimental but almost universally disliked Cell Processor, and moved to a much more familiar and PC oriented design. The move has been described as a big step forwards by developers. Many of whom struggled with the early teething stages of the PS3. These changes were specifically done with developer easeof-use in mind. We should see quite a few more games going cross platform between the Sony and the PC, and vice versa, unlike the current generation which has a high number of excluded titles.

There have been only a scant few titles announced for the next-gen system at present but Sony stalwarts like the Killzone and Infamous franchises received short previews at the event. The crowd seemed at first rather un-phased by the announcements, but drew significantly more murmurs when the actual previews were shown. Another title on offer is the action/adventure called Knack, with colourful graphics and overzealous reactions clearly pegging it as the day one ‘kids title’ for potential PS4 owners.

The graphic potential of this system is thus far unknown but if the previews are anything to go by the jump between the current generation and the next won’t be quite as significant as between the PS2 and the PS3. In the latter scenario we were seeing a fundamental shift not just in technology but also in fidelity and display units, with high definition becoming the norm. This time around the technology inside the Playstation 4 is as good as you would expect from a decent gaming PC but not necessarily anything as ground-breaking as having Blue-ray added between cycles.

From everything I have seen the next generation’s iteration of the Sony PlayStation is looking very good indeed. There’s only one thing left to say: Your move, Microsoft.

Words by Aron Shick

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Music

The Child of Lov The Child of Lov

Hadouken!

Every Weekend

This Life The Original Rudeboys

Coming out of Amsterdam, 25 year old Cole Williams aka The Child of Lov, has never played a show but damn...he’s got some cool shit. If The Roots, J Dilla (bless his soul), Outkast, Otis Redding, Flying Lotus and a few off the Brainfeeder label were to all spontaneously fuck, he would be their child and this self titled debut would be the musical genius of all of the above.

Every Weekend is unlike anything I‘ve ever heard, the band aren‘t trying to copy anyone else and they have undeniably created their own unique sound, drawing from their own original material as well as sampling tracks made famous by other artists.

Three words, ah-may-zing. That is the only way I can begin to describe Dublin born and bred ensemble, The Original Rudeboys. Their album This Life is without a doubt my favourite album of late and I usually can’t stand anything remotely hip hop based.

As with every album there are a few tracks that, at a first listen, don‘t seem to complement the remaining songs as well as they probably could, but upon a second and even a third listen the tracks begin to grow on you.

Lyrically the album is penned perfectly, the interlacing of Robert Burch’s soulful, John Mayer type vocals and Sean ‘Neddy’ Arkins’s rapping prowess is truly magical. The third member of the band, Sean Walsh, adds a unique musical element not often found in contemporary music, the ukulele.

Smooth; quite literally the only word that speaks a further thousand when it comes to this album. Taking on roots of late 60’s funk and soul, the entire album is an incredible spin on the genres, creating neo-soul. Most soul albums stick to a very deep and meaningful theme, with the majority of tracks featuring orchestral strings and majestic horns, and one or two bangers to get people moving. The only album I’ve listened to so far that hasn’t done that has been Isaac Hayes’ Hot Buttered Soul.

This album is another.

Despite it not necessarily featuring orchestras and the like, it’s unique. Soul should never be within a set of definitions, a set of limits. It is after all the soul that speaks in the music. And The Child of Lov has done just that. In the same way we sample soul artists from the 60s for their musical ability, talent and emotion, people will want to sample The Child of Lov. Brilliant, layered production featuring big names like DOOM, Thundercat and Damon Albarn, this album is real, raw and fresh.

Seriously, keep an eye out on this cat.

7.5/10 Review by Chris Sujkowski

Bad Signal is without a doubt one of my favourite tracks on the album, the overall musicality and composition of the track outstanding to say the least.

Admittedly, I normally wouldn‘t give an album such as this the time of day, I‘d give one track a listen and immediately move on. Yet I was pleasantly surprised, I actually found myself enjoying the unique stylistic elements that the band have managed to incorporate into each individual track, creating an overall sound relatively different from anything I‘ve ever heard before.

Every Weekend will have you dancing around the room, fist pumping and head banging simultaneously.

In an age of generic pop-punk clones Hadouken! have managed to lay the musical foundations for something entirely different and unique. I‘d definitely give this album a go if you are in search of something a little new and different, I know I was pleasantly surprised to say the least!

7.5/10 Review by Madeline Mckenzie

There is not a single track on the album that I am honestly able to fault, each song blending the sincerity and passion of the hip hop genre with the serene simplicity that comes with recording all songs acoustically.

Their debut single Stars In My Eyes is my favourite track on the album and was also the song that caught the eyes of fellow Irish musicians The Script who they then went on to tour with earlier this year.

If you are in the mood for an album that will have you singing along for days on end then this is the album for you. If you are in the market for something new and exciting that will satiate your musical appetite then this is the album for you. If you have any decent musical taste whatsoever then I highly suggest you invest in this album.

Whether you are driving along, dancing around in your living room away from prying eyes or just need some new jams, The Original Rudeboys This Life will have you falling in love with these Irish musos one line at a time. What are you waiting for?

9/10

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Review by Madeline Mckenzie

Music

American Twilight Crime and the City Solution

In Rico Glaciers Sons of Rico

Boa Constrictor Hat 44th Sunset

Crime and the City Solution have finally published their first album after more than twenty years on hiatus. Currently based in Detroit, the Australian post-punk band presents us with eight explosive tracks that show us the vision and, from the way I see it, the failure of the American dream.

The album begins with a strong pace. I must admit that, at first, this album didn’t impress me—until I reached ‘Domina’.

As the quirky cover suggests, this stickysweet album will satisfy your musical taste buds, and leave you licking your fingers for more. Perth indie rock band Sons of Rico have returned triumphantly with ‘In Rico Glaciers’, after releasing their debut album ‘Reactions’ in 2010.

This 10-track album combines classic rock with a bubbly twist of pop, creating an exciting and energetic vibe – perhaps the soundtrack to a promising Friday afternoon.

Juno meets Mad Max – this is one way of describing indie rock band 44th Sunset.

Their music video, ‘Caesar’, has over 19 000 views on YouTube, and they have just launched their five-track EP, ‘Boa Constrictor Hat’.

The sudden change in pace—from energetic and almost angry, to slow and introspective—gave me quite a shock, as if the one track tries to drown the anger of the first three tracks in the new melodious tunes. This slow pace continues through the next two tracks, before it’s lifted up again in the title track and brought to an end by yet another slow track.

The energetic tune of the title track, ‘American Twilight’, seems almost… well, sarcastic. I immediately fell in love with this one, especially with the perfect combination of vocals, the choice of lyrics, and the sudden change of tone in the last few seconds. “Everybody wants to be number one,” the track proclaims.

But then it continues, “Whole lot of birds in the sky above / looks like hawks and you’re the doves.” Hellyeeeas… just like it says: welcome to the American dream and “the city of fun”; unfortunately the dream isn’t yours and neither is the fun.

I wasn’t a fan of Crime and the City Solution before—hell, I wasn’t even born when they were first formed in the 1970s—so I can’t really judge how well ‘American Twilight’ goes compared to the previous albums. Still, I think this album is worth checking out. I especially recommend the title track.

6/10 Review by Aldy Hendradjaja

The title ‘In Rico Glaciers’ is tongue-incheek (wait… was that Enrique Iglesias?)

This title reflects the light-hearted humour that the Sons of Rico promote, making the album fun and quite amusing to listen to. Alex MacRae, the lead vocalist, adopts a uniquely Australian voice, making each track similar to no other. MacRae’s falsetto voice screaming the popular single ‘You Don’t Know What You’re Missin’’ makes you really wonder what it is you’re missing out on. The album gradually deflates with a few slow songs, yet finishes nicely with the lovesick track ‘Maybe I Should Go’.

This album was recorded by the production guru Magoo (Regurgitator, Art vs. Science, Midnight Oil) in an old converted church in the heart of rural Queensland. If this doesn’t scream promisingly eccentric music, I don’t know what does.

Personally, I really loved this album and its optimistic, upbeat feel. I recommend taking a listen if you need a little lift.

When the world is feeling gloomy, ‘In Rico Glaciers’ makes you want to jump around like you’re on an endless sugar high.

9/10

There’s nothing truly unique or special about this band and their songs, but rather in their stage presence. The lead singer, Nik Thompson, has been known to portray Peter Garrett of Midnight Oil. But that doesn’t mean they made a bad album.

There’s a load of ups and downs in this five-track disc.

The harmonious backing vocals from Jess Clancy were well intertwined in every song. I was trying to transcribe the lyrics from ‘Choke’ so I could understand what it meant for well over an hour and I could not get it, especially since some of the lyrics Thompson sang were mumbled in a Nick-Cave-style of voice.

My favourite track was ‘Cages’. The creative lyrics fitting well into a depressing kind of mood, however it was a little repetitive and seemingly went on forever.

Their most recognisable song ‘Caesar’ has a great intro and good lyrics sung with clear voices, and a solid chorus that everyone can join in and sing.

So to sum up, this album is a well mixed variety of tracks and a good preview to what potential they have. Although the lead vocalist has a good range and dynamics, his delivery could be clearer.

To any Arcade Fire and Pixies fans, give the tracks a listen and consider going to one of their shows.

7 / 10 Review by James Blackburn

Review by Rachel Knight

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