How To Lose Friends: Influence Them Elizabeth Harris

How To Lose Friends: Influence Them

How to Lose Friends: Influence Them

a Four-step guide to your perfect destruction.

So, you’ve influenced your way into a group of amazing and beautiful people, who, at one point or another, seemed incredibly engaged by you, and who you wanted to share everything with.

But unfortunately, Timothy slighted one of your funnier jokes at dinner last week, and now Meredith is refusing to speak to you. It’s a conundrum for the ages, and you’re starting to think that perhaps you’d prefer to be without these deeply inspiring people. Your levels of perfection are unrivalled. Perfect skincare routine, perfect gelled hair, perfect hundred dollar smile. Your perfection is simply unparalleled, and your friends have made it clear that their want to mimic your likeness is imperative to their existence. However, attempting to make yourself far less perfect than them (even just for a

day) is the perfect way to introduce the fact that you’d really rather not be around them anymore. Try things like putting your tie on incorrectly, or “forgetting” your favourite ring. Bringing yourself down to the level of the average consumer ensures that they feel disgusted in your ability to relate to normal people. You might have soiled your own perfection, but being rid of these fools is worth the price.

Step two: Gift-Giving

Have you ever truly received a deeply thoughtful gift from your friends? No! Of course not! You’re an influential business-person you don’t require gifts of sentiment or emotional value. Your gift has always been hard work and bootstraps! So, to truly show these working class “friends” of yours just how much you wish they’d disappear, give them a gift. Something that’s not actually worth money (that’s just a waste!) but something deeply connecting to their person.

Overheard that Sarah from Finance likes mason jars? Gift her a whole jarring and canning set! Shaun needs a new tank for his pet fish? Get him the best aquarium-level decorations you can find! With gifts like these, people will be so horrified and confused that they’re sure to seek out your rejection of friendship.

But never fear, possible gentleperson! I have your perfect four-step solution to lose friends in the most influential way possible.

Step one: Humble yourself

you’ve been rather reluctant up to this point to really admit to your flaws. Every person is perfect, and therefore so are their friends.

Step three: Talk about their interests.

You – a strapping young business-person – don’t often talk with other people about their own lives. And why would you? You’re the most important person the room after all, and everyone wants to hear what comes out of your mouth. You’re the centre of a perfect and beautiful world of industry and production, made from your own blood, sweat, tears, and a good hundred thousand or so on cash, of course. Your friends aren’t usually the kinds of people to talk about themselves, so what’s the best way to make them uncomfortable? Ask about their hobbies!

Reconnaissance is crucial in this step – so make sure to skulk in the break room or the bathrooms to gather Intel. Ask Meredith about how her son’s university degree is going, or maybe see how Timothy’s model train hobby is coming along (I hear it’s quite impressive really). Once you start getting into the deep and heartfelt details about just how much research you have on their family lives and their comings and goings from their home, they will surely never want to speak to you again!

Step four: Sending the Rejection letters.

Nothing says the end of a friendship quite like a formal, indiscreet letter of rejection left neatly on their workplace desk first thing Monday morning. It’s simple really, you write something elegant like “Dearest Friend Shaun” so as to truly grab their attention. Then, focus in on their traits. Something like: “Your smile truly made my heart shine”. And then, the real gut-punch.

And it must sound morose: “I sincerely regret to inform you that our friendship was not to be. And I must ask you to find another to whom you can spill your secrets about model trains and ways in which you would answer the philosophical trolley problem. (It’s alright that you wish to murder the innocents to protect a billionaire, I understand)”

And finally, a swift signoff. “Eternally yours” or “Deepest regrets”; something that can truly show your empathy –and make them uncomfortable about the emotions you’re displaying.

Well, that’s it! That’s all four, extremely influential steps you’ll need to take so that you can cause any good friend to leave your vicinity within only a few weeks! It might be risky, or even extremely dangerous. But remember: For perfect people like us, losing friends is just par for the course.