MANUAL

MAY 2014

“FANNYING AROUND” AND OTHER AVOIDABLE ISSUES (GRANT FLEMING GIVES US SOME TIPS ON GETTING THROUGH LIFE LIKE A MAN).

A DECADE IN THE SHITHOUSE (CELEBRATING TEN YEARS OF COMIC GENIUS WITH JON LINK FROM MODERN TOSS).

NIP TUCK! (WE’VE GOT SOME NIPS, AND TUCKED THEM INTO SOME LEATHER AND STUDS FOR YOU).

Sorry Dave, but for me, size does matter...

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FROM THE EDITOR The philosophy is: Better Not Bigger. It can be applied to most things in life... better prospects over a bigger wallet, better health over bigger muscles, better mates over bigger crowds, better moves over a massive knob.

And why should you trust this theory? Because just like this magazine, it was thought-up by a woman, and surely you know we’re always right? No, seriously though, we at least know what women want, and it’s not the pricks that wear tank tops and do weights in front of the mirror.

If Magazines were drugs, Manual would be a joint on a sunny afternoon (as opposed to Men’s Health, which would be a steroid injection, on a sore spot).

Our primary concern is to entertain you and chill you out when you’ve got nothing better to do with your time. Every month we will fill these pages with a nice mix of interesting features, blunt honest advice, and a decent bit of boob (only ever the real deal, of course). You can get stuck into it, safe in the knowledge that we won’t try and coax a press-up out of you, or make you feel bad because you couldn’t give a toss which neckline is in fashion and have no intention of waxing anything except your car. Forget the metro-sexual and the skinny jeans. Men should be as God intended – hairy and dressed in something that allows their penis to breath.

To kick-start this first issue we have the wordly-wise and multi-talented Grant Fleming offering you some sound life advice. We have the genius Jon Link who makes up one half of comic legends Modern Toss, reminiscing on the past ten years. And we also have some tastefully displayed leather, studs and nipples to lively-up the centre section. Kick back, skin-up (metaphorically of course), and enjoy...

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MAN WALKS INTO A BAR... OUCH The do’s and don’ts of dating

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WHAT A GUY...

Life advice from someone who’s seen it all

14 FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES...

Boring quotes on exciting body parts 22 THE REAL PROBLEM WITH PORN Sod the addiction, it’s your sex-life you should be worrying about 26 A DECADE IN THE SHITHOUSE Celebrating ten years of comic genius with Modern Toss

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W

e know, we know, the unwritten rule that it is a MAN’S job to approach a woman in a bar is unfair.

Some might even say sexist. We can’t undo 2000 years of social evolution, but we can 6

give you a few solid DO’S and DON’TS to make the whole process that little

bit less painful, for everyone involved >>>

DO introduce yourself politely. Rocking up at the bar next to

DON’T try too hard. If your endeavours are successful you may end up spending quite a lot of time with the lucky lady. Spewing out every one-liner you’ve ever heard in an attempt to be funnier than you actually are is impossible to maintain long-term (NB: As is over-spending and telling white lies regarding income or career).

a lovely lady, eyeballing her and casually dropping an elbow into her personal space is not an introduction. “Hello, nice to meet you, I’m John” works just fine. Likewise, “hello, I’m John, nice to meet you” is also perfectly acceptable. Or even, “I’m John, hello, nice to meet you”

DON’T sulk. Ever. Keep that bottom lip sucked in. If you are being rebuffed, however cruelly, take it like a man. Shrug, smile, tell her to have a good night, then leave it be. Ditto if you find out too late that she has a partner. If she is being mean to further entrap you, it will make her feel silly. If she really isn’t interested, you’ll keep your dignity. Win win.

DON’T stare. Women want what they

DO be yourself. If she expresses a view you

don’t agree with, don’t agree with it! If she talks posher than what you do, don’t start puttin’ endin’s on where you wouldn’t usually. A man with his own opinions who is comfortable and confident in himself is infinitely more attractive than a nodding dog with no backbone. And anyway, you want to know it’s you she likes, or what’s the point?

can’t have. Whilst it’s not advisable to use this theory in long-term relationships, it doesn’t hurt to utilise it for the purpose of sparking up a conversation, then she can decide that she likes what DO enjoy your night. If you are hovering on the side lines she can have. A little eye with the sole intention of spotting the totty, it will be blincontact doesn’t hurt to begin dingly obvious, especially to the totty. Go out with “having a with, just so she knows you good night” first on your list of priorities. Have fun and she’ll exist, then it’s strictly eyes want to join in (and if she doesn’t, it doesn’t matter, you’ll away until you pluck up the still enjoy your night). courage to approach.

DON’T stick on a losing

wicket. Some girls are shy, some are bitches, some have boyfriends and some, quite rightly, will exercise their right to not talk to you if they don’t want to. If you strike up a conversation and the object of your affection isn’t playing ball, take your ball, and throw it at someone else.

DO compliment her. But try to remember she has assets

worthy of your attention above chest level. And steer clear of the insincere – no “your eyes are like the sea at sunset…”

She probably knows exactly what you’re thinking, so stick to something safe, and honest. If you think her dress is nice, tell her. If you think she has a nice laugh, tell her. If you think her job sounds interesting… you get the idea.

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rant Fleming’s CV is longer than this feature. To squeeze his countless achievements and life experiences into one little intro would be to not do him justice.

So we put it all on the next page, leaving plenty of space to simply say...

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If anyone can give you a worldly-wise, tried-and-tested, been-there-sniffed-it and sold-the-t shirt bit of sound advice, it’s this guy. So we asked, and he kindly agreed, to give you his take on some

areas of life that most people could use a little guidance in.

We proudly introduce to you the globe-trotting, multi-talented, super-charged (and all-round nice-guy) Grant Fleming, on >>>

photographed for LOADED in it’s glory days* wrote LONDON HOUSE and THE KNOCKERS * SMUGGLED himself into AFGHANISTAN * flew a MIG JET * JAILED in Salt Lake City * exhibited alongside BOWIE * IGGY POP * TOWNSEND * dodged BULLETS and BOMBS in EL SALVADOR * BOGOTÁ * RIO * PALESTINE *JOHANNESBURG *photographed BUSH * REAGAN * MANDELA* DJ’d around the WORLD

PHOTOGRAPHER * JOURNALIST * MUSICIAN performed with * THE CLASH * THE JAM * DEXYS * official photographer for PRIMAL SCREAM * volunteered for MEDICINS SANS FRONTIERES * AUTHOR * FILM MAKER * owned a DANCE MUSIC RECORD COMPANY * SPANISH INTERPRETER for drug cartel * toured and recorded with THE COCKNEY REJECTS * fought FASCISM * fought THE APARTHEID * turned OPIUM fields into POMEGRANATE CROPS * KIDNAPPED in Panama City and Somalia * 9

WOMEN

“Personally, from a relationship point of view, I’m faithful because why wouldn’t I be? Why would I need something outside the relationship? If I did then the relationship isn’t right!

I’ve always just seen women totally as equals, you know, I would treat them the same way I would treat a man. I guess there are some women who go: “Well, that’s actually patronizing us, opening that door for us.” You know what?

I’ll open the door, if you don’t want to walk through it, then don’t. I’m not about to start having a debate about it - it’s just a matter of course for me. And I’ve always been a gentleman… so to speak.”

LEARNING FROM IT

STAYING OUT OF TROUBLE

“The bottom line of it is: no matter who it is, who you are, or how tough you think you are, there’s always someone bigger round the corner… so there’s kind of no winners in the long run. If you want a fight you can find a fight on any street corner. If you’re looking for it, you’ll get it. If you’re not, you can avoid it. And this whole idea of the shame of backing down… there is no shame in carrying on living. And that’s how far it could go. You can upset someone and they’ll pull out a blade and stab you and you’re dead. It’s as simple and as easy and as absolutely fragile as that. So, bearing that in mind, what’s the point?”

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“Everything informs everything else. It’s like a somersault of experiences that you will be forever learning from… and learning a way to live your life and do the best you can.

I’ve had periods where I’ve been a pretty bad kid. But you learn from it and you move on. The worst thing is thinking about it too much.

Take yourself out of the equation and ask: Where do I stand in this world? Really I’m just a small little grain of sand. If you analyse stuff too much it’s like there’s no answers… well the answer is that you just live in it.”

Grant nipped past the security at a Republican conference, 1988, to photograph Ronald Reagan (above left). He was “escorted” out and interogated by the US Secret Service.

CHANGING THE SMALL THINGS

There was a time when I just thought that I could save the world. I put too much time and energy into that and started turning on people close to me, chastising them for the way they lived their lives! In some ways I regret that, but then I learnt from it and realised that you can’t change the world, but you can change the smaller things. Those little instances when you go in a shop or catch the train; just a “hello” and a smile is actually changing a lot because everyone feels better. Then the next situation you go into you are going into better armed with more positive energy, and you make other people positive around you and it creates this cycle. It really works!”

FANNYING ABOUT

Don’t talk about doing something - do it. People really do fanny around. Oh my God, it’s an epidemic in society, the fannying around now… All anyone needs is a yes or no. I definitely live by that, and I do believe that if you say you’re gonna do something, you do it! There’s also that whole thing of being a person of your word. Very early on Paul Weller, who I was a massive fan of as a kid and did some work with, gave me a grand example of someone sticking to their word. As a result my respect for him has always been the same… it’s total.”

Grant’s first trip as a photo-journalist was to the war zones of Central America (Reagan, a major player in the conflict, was photographed on the same trip).

During his stay Grant was snatched by immigration and nearly shot by a street gang. (Left) A group of children in Nicargua. (Top left) A street child. (Top right) El Salvador commando, wounded and bleeding.

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MANNERS

“I’m always inclined to pull people on up bad manners and sort of confront them with it, and I can be a bit tough with that. It’s just common courtesy isn’t it? Especially in the city where there’s a hell of a lot of people in a very small space. We’ve all got to try to traverse this space and get through the day without too much drama in it. Everyone’s got their own shit going on, so surely it’s better to try and make it easier for everyone, instead of making it harder. It takes exactly the same energy to frown as it does to smile...and a smile’s a lot better for you!”

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Grant travelled to Palestine to photograph the funeral of their late leader, Yasser Arafat. His dedication to getting the best picture nearly landed him in the coffin, as he hung from a moving vehicle to get a better shot.

HIS NEW EXHIBITION - THE END OF THE APARTHEID

“I’ll have different days when I’ll invite uni groups to come along and have a sort of class there - a Q and A and almost a nice field trip. I really do want to do that. It’s as important as having an opening party, for me, because it’s about people being inspired by the pictures to actually go on and do the same themselves. That’s more important to me than sales and that. Not necessarily inspiring them to take pictures, but just to be involved in something, no matter what it is, and to feel passionate about something. Anyone can, I think I’ve proved that.”

FOLLOWING YOUR DREAMS

“I can only pass on what my nan said to me: Don’t let anyone tell you what you can and can’t do. At least try, otherwise you’ll regret it later on, and if you fail you fail. When you’re younger it’s not like you’ve really got any responsibilities, only to yourself, so even if you said: ‘For five years I’m gonna have a crack at being a guitarist, or being this or that…’ Well why not? It’s not as if there’s millions of jobs to be tempted by that will pay you lots of money. It was different when I was younger but my motivation has always been what I’m doing, not how much money I’m making. For me it was: ‘I want to be a musician’. I never really earned a load from it, in fact I spent a lot of time without money as a result, but I had a brilliant time! There’s a Nelson Mandela quote that goes: ‘There is no passion to be found playing small and settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.’ If you don’t try you’ll never find out what you’re capable of.”

FASHION

“Be smart. Have a dignity in the way you present yourself. That doesn’t necessarily mean showing off or buying expensive brands, it’s about taking pride in your appearance. In the third world throughout you’ll see people with the cleanest shirts and the crispest creases… it’s all about that mentality: I might not have a lot, but what I have got is myself, and I’m going to show it in the best possible light.”

Facing page from top: The hordes of Palestinians climb the half ruined building to watch the funeral.

Soldiers mourn for their lost leader.

This page from top: A man climbs a post to get a better view.

A mourning woman with a poster of Arafat.

The chaos and crush at the gates.

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From selling T-shirts and merchandise in the clubs of the early 90s, Grant became Primal Scream’s tour manager, resident snapper, and distributer of band merchandise. He documented the crazy, non-stop party in his inhalable book - Higher Than the Sun. Clockwise from top left: The Primal Scream album, Screamadelica, held by Bobby Gillepsie (the image was taken from a t-shirt Grant was selling for the band).

The famous “wasted” picture of the band. Scanned from “Higher Than the Sun”... the band waiting for the pub to open in Glasgow. A packed out gig, the crowd are loving it.

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here is a lot of wisdom to be gained from the words of wise people. The trouble is, the words are often a little boring, and the wise people tend to be either old or dead, both of which make for terrible visuals.

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We want you to gain wisdom, but we don’t want you to be bored stiff, so we have printed said wise-words on the shapely curves of our X-TREME CLOSEUP model. Look deep into her eyes,

admire her perfect boobs, and imagine her spouting some Confucius from those luscious lips… if anything can hold your attention for long enough that it sinks in, it’s her >>>

< THE LESS MEN THINK, THE MORE THEY TALK > Charles de Montesquieu

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< WITHOUT FEELINGS OF RESPECT, WHAT IS THERE TO DISTINGUISH MEN FROM BEASTS? > Confucius

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< MEN ARE LIKE STEEL. WHEN THEY LOSE THEIR TEMPER, THEY LOSE THEIR WORTH > Chuck Norris

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< FOR MANY MEN, THE ACQUISITION OF WEALTH DOES NOT END THEIR TROUBLES, IT ONLY CHANGES THEM > Lucius Annaeus Seneca

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limbs, a migration towards the desired object and an undignified struggle. Which I lost. In both scenarios. What else could I do? I swallowed my feminist pride, prioritised the well-being of my clitoris, and gasped: “Fuck me, fuck me.”

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here have been many criticisms of the porn industry – the growing obscenity, the exploitation of women, the detrimental effect it all has on the minds of the young and the pure. I actually quite like it. In moderation.

My own problem with porn is an entirely selfish one >>> 24

It “came” to me after the worst oral sex I have ever had the misfortune of receiving. The man in question was attacking my clitoris like it was a steel ball bearing. As we entered the sixth minute, he nearly removed the nipple from my left breast, and awkwardly mumbled: “ohhh yeah”. Oh fucking no.

Like any humane person, I hid my dismay, and decided a gentle repositioning of hands and head was the polite way forward. He resisted in much the same manner as my Grandmother when an attempt is made to coax her past the whiskey aisle in Tesco’s – a stiffening of the

I still haven’t quite regained that pride. The cherry on the cake? Our post-coital pillow talk progressed as follows…

Man: “Gosh I had to actually hold you down at one point there to stay on the spot!”

Me: *An affronted silence only worsened by…* Man: “Do you know you’re the first girl I’ve ever been with who hasn’t come?”

Everyone has a limit. I rose from the bed, gathered up my knickers with as much dignity as I could muster, and left him to his delusions.

It wasn’t the first time something like this had happened. Suddenly, and with amazing clarity, I re-

alised why. The poor, misinformed man was acting out a porno! There could be no other explanation.

You see, the problem with porn is not that it’s porn, but that it’s marketed as sex.

It produces hordes of inexperienced men and women who whole-heartedly believe that what they are seeing on their screens is the real deal - uninhibited carnal pleasure. Never mind the 15-man-crew massaging their bulging crotches just out of frame. Never mind that the hero is jacked up on Viagra and the heroine’s vagina is pumped full of water (all the better to fake the coveted squirt). Never mind that porn stars themselves

describe it as “fake-sex”.

They are being paid to put on a show. They are acting their silicone-covered hearts out to feed themselves, their children or their drug habit. A situation not entirely dissimilar to traditional

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The problem with porn is not that it’s porn, but that it’s marketed as sex...

”

film-making (but with more uglies on show).

So what’s the problem if people think it’s real? The problem, dear reader, is that as a direct result of this misconception the sex lives of men and women alike are

suffering. A void created by a general lack of gynaecological knowledge is being filled with over-done, unrealistic and frankly painful porn moves. The inexperienced no longer embark on an exploratory journey of what will please the body of the opposite sex. They dive on in there with unjustified arrogance in their own ability because they know what they’re doing… they’ve seen it in a porno.

The arrogance is the problem. If you are wholly convinced that what you are doing is “what women like” then all the gentle hand positioning in the world won’t get through to you. Sex, regardless of personal tastes,

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should have the pleasure of both parties at its epicentre.

And how do you gauge the pleasure of your partner? By listening. Hard. Any moron can work out the appropriate response to “lay the fuck off, Pokey”. Unfortunately most people are simply too polite to voice their requests so eloquently. Instead they are communicated through a Morse code of sexual utterances. Dots and dashes become gasps and moans, (or shrieks, screams, gargles and roars, dependent on type). Porn renders men deaf to these subtle pointers, lowering the likelihood of orgasm from hopeful, right down to slim-to-none.

Which brings us to another issue, namely, the female

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orgasm (or lack of). Until I linked this guy’s actions to a porn education, I was utterly gob-smacked at his naivety in believing that every partner who came before me had come before me. Women see other women in porn films

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We are left with a tangled muddle of men faking sex with women who are faking orgasms...

”

hitting the high note again and again with apparent ease. If their own orgasm then proves elusive, and they feel no desire whatsoever to scream obscenities and massage semen into their cheeks, they fear themselves to be abnormal, boring, or

frigid. The bi-product of all this fake advertising - fake orgasms, by the million, and very convincingly executed if my wooden tongued friend is anyone to go by.

We are left with a tangled muddle of men faking sex with women who are faking orgasms to please the men who don’t have a clue what’s going on. All that is needed to combat this epidemic is honesty - an honest approach to what feels good, for both parties. There is nothing more cringe worthy than a put-on sex-voice teamed with vigorous but ineffective administrations to your nether regions. It looks, sounds and feels like what it is – bad porn.

70% of MEN aged 18-24

will visit porn sites in a typical month.

2.5 BILLION EMAILS A DAY are pornographic The entire WORLD-WIDE PORN INDUSTRYis worth

$4.9 BILLION

1 in 3 Porn viewers is FEMALE

$

3,is spent075.on6porn5

EVERY

SECOND â&#x20AC;&#x192;27

G N I T LEBRA

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reated by British comedy writers and cartoonists Mick Bunnage and Jon Link, Modern Toss churns out a hilarious mix of cartoons, comics, books and animations, that are nothing short of pure genius.

The duo met on the original launch team for Loaded, before it got smothered in silicone, and after 20 years are still managing to produce original material. Ten years into it, Modern Toss was

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“cunt” with such born, and became frequency and get a platform for their away with it, nay, get dry, stylized and applauded for it, deunmistakeably Britserves nothing less ish cartoons. In a than a knighthood in world gone “tits up”, our opinion. Jon Link Modern Toss have kindly granted us an the ability to turn a interview, so read on, daily torture (like enjoy, and join us in the office pest) into celebrating their ten a laugh-out-loud tea years of service to towel, with the simBritish comedy. (And ple use of a violent don’t forget to buy prank and a well their book, A Decade placed swear-word.

In The Shithouse, Anyone who can ban- it’s 2kg of guaranteed dy about the word laughs) >>>

Self portrait by Jon “I’ve always been into cartoons, mainly single panel cartoons, and I used to read Private Eye as a kid. My favourite Private Eye cartoonist was Kevin Woodcock who did surreal awkward looking drawings without any words.

I used to send Private Eye cartoons when I was about 12 years old; they always got rejected and sent back with a little slip of paper that said ‘Try Punch’.

I kept sending them a batch approximately every ten years, when I was 32 they accepted five in one go, I went out and had a drink. After school I went to art-college, and left as a graphic designer.

My first job was designing record sleeves. My peak was when I put a barcode into a speech bubble that came out of a dolphins mouth on the back of an Erasure sleeve. Low point; losing a pitch for Bill Tarmey’s (Jack Duckworth) Greatest Hits album (he’s dead now).

Cartooning is a dying art and a strange thing to get into. It takes ages to get any good at it, and when you finally work out how to do it, it’s not very well paid.

Most journalists work on a word rate so they try and write as much as they can, whereas a cartoonist works the other way round, boiling and reducing stuff down until there’s hardly anything left, then someone will look at it and say ‘I’m not paying for that there’s fuck all there’.

Having said all that I still really enjoy doing it. Working on magazines in the mid 90’s was great. You had a team of people in one office all with different skills; writers, photographers, editors, sub editors and designers all working to make something that had to go the printers at the end of the month. At the beginning of Loaded you could come up with an idea in the pub at lunchtime and then be making it in the afternoon… most of the time it worked very well.

The first thing I worked on with Mick Bunnage was his ‘Rogues Chart’. It was a monthly listing of bad behaviour and had little logos representing the things people had got up to. We came up with ideas for the logos and I drew them up. After that it was ‘If biscuits were people’ A pointless fantasy projection of what seemed like a very real issue at the time.

Many of the people featured are now dead.

The work we do as Modern Toss is constantly inspired by everything around us, you only have to sit on a bus or in an office and listen to what people say, some of it is dictated word for word.

Work from life, that’s the key to it!

We work on the phone mostly a bit like spies. It’s actually easier that way, you just concentrate on the audio without having to look at each other, then when it’s done you can go and do what you want. Most of the time our weekly cartoons are based

Jon’s first “peak” - designing the sleeve for this Erasure record. 29

“If buscuits were people” - one of Mick and Jon’s earlier comic creations.

QUICKFIRE Q&A Q - The one thing that is guaran-

teed to make you laugh?

A - Normal people dancing.

Fascinating and funny.

Q - Comic inspirations or heroes?

A - Gilbert and George, The Pink Panther.

around lists that editors send us, or areas that we’ve already thought up, like Desperate Business for Private Eye. If we’re working on a new comic we’re a bit more free-form, actively searching out weird new territory to make jokes from.

It’s a bit like hunting. We both go out looking for a joke in the woods, sometimes you get a glimpse of one behind a tree, then we start chasing after it. When we corner it Mick might hold it down while I hit it over the head with a stick, or vice versa, then its time to put the kettle on. We work quite fast, we know what we’re after; we’ve been working together for 20 years now. We very rarely get stuck. If we do, we work on something else and return to whatever the problem was the next morning - always does the trick.

We are both from Essex, where people have a particular bluntness about them.

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They often leave out the polite bits in conversation and just say what they think, which is probably where a lot of our jokes come from. I think Comedy is a big part of everyone’s life - people know how to make themselves laugh. We just decided to start making drawings of it and write it down. We initially laugh when we think of a joke, then we have to work out how to turn that thing that just made us laugh into a cartoon so someone else can look at it and laugh as well. It’s a bit like making an electrical circuit that connects ideas together in people’s heads.

We trust ourselves. It’s useful working as a team; we both have to find it funny. If one of us doesn’t like a joke then we either go silent if we’re on the phone, or stare out of the window if we’re in the same room, until we move onto the next idea. We only get other people involved if there might be a legal issue.

Q - What would you be doing if you weren’t doing this?

A - Not sure... my Dad said to me it was a good job I could draw because I’d be fucking useless on a building site (he thinks I’m good at drawing).

Q - Your greatest achievement to

date; the thing you’re most proud of?

A - Still going after 10 years is the big one. I’m really looking forward to seeing it all in our 10 year book – A Decade In The Shithouse.

Not having a job is the best thing about it. It takes a while to get used to, but being in charge of yourself is better than someone else trying to do it. I’d recommend cartoon therapy to anyone – if at the end of every day, people drew a diagram of themselves calling their boss a cunt, it would greatly reduce office tension.”

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... huh.

Guess I’ll just read my Manual then...

CREDITS COVERS AND TITLE PAGES BY SAMUEL HISCOCK ILLUSTRATION. PHOTOGRAPHY BY EMILY DAMMENT. PHOTOGRAPHY PAGES 9-12 BY GRANT FLEMING. 32