8 minute read
Is Your Child Dealing with Loneliness? Three Ways to Know
IS YOUR CHILD DEALING three ways to know WITH LONELINESS?
By DR. TIM ELMORE
When both of my kids were young, they had no problem expressing what they wanted or needed. My wife and I would’ve sworn they were both extroverts, as they (like millions of other Millennials) let us know if they were hungry, thirsty, in need of a toy, or desiring a friend.
Then they became high school students and, later, college students.
Eventually, the situation changed around our house. Turns out our daughter is, indeed, an extrovert and is energized by her time with people. (Don’t believe it? Just ask her). My son, however, is an introvert and has a difficult time expressing his deepest feelings or desires, even when they’re merely social. He is intelligent, college-educated, and actually quite articulate. (He’s a writer.) But he has an easier time sharing what he thinks than how he feels, just like his dad.
WHAT ARE COMMON SITUATIONS WHERE KIDS FEEL LONELY?
Every young person needs time alone, even the most social one. However, time alone can lead to a feeling of loneliness or sadness. Introverts typically love time alone but may eventually begin feeling lonely. Note some common situations:
1. Times of Transition and Change
Kids are especially vulnerable to feeling lonely when they move to a new school, (elementary school through college). Transition points bring change and a sense of unsettlement. They can be emotionally paralyzed and become lonely.
2. Periods of Grief or Loss
Often, kids don’t know what to do emotionally when they lose a pet or a family member or when they grieve a personal situation. Instead of connecting, they isolate themselves. Their withdrawal can lead to loneliness.
3. Connecting Through Screens more than Face-to-Face
Believe it or not, while social media allows us to connect with others, it’s virtual and often doesn’t satisfy our human need for social intimacy. Screens can lead to a melancholy state of loneliness.
4. When Being Bullied
An obvious context sparking loneliness is when a student is being bullied or cyberbullied by peers. Smartphones have enabled bullying to expand beyond school hours, and kids can be manipulated into isolation and feel unworthy of friends.
WE LIVE WITH AN IRONY
It’s ironic that as a society we’ve never been more connected, yet we experience a growing sense of loneliness. Statistics report that people have never felt so lonely. Teresa May announced a new position in England, a loneliness minister, to address the trend. Australia organized a Coalition to End Loneliness. One in five Americans reports rarely or never feeling close to others. And a recent study of over 20,000 people found that nearly half of respondents sometimes or always felt lonely.
I believe our portable devices designed to connect us have actually isolated us.
THREE WAYS TO SPOT A KID WHO MAY BE LONELY
The fact is we can be with a crowd of people and still feel alone. And we can be alone and not feel lonely at all. Solitude is something we all need and can learn to appreciate. While loneliness is not a sign of mental illness, it can foster mental health problems in kids. So, how can we spot it?
1. They are unable to talk about their friends.
In normal social situations, even a student who isn’t articulate can express how they feel about friends or about a social situation. Lonely kids can feel unable to do this. My son’s best friend moved out of state in fifth grade, and we noticed he stopped talking about any friends at all. His temporary loneliness fostered a silent 10-year-old in our home for a while.
2. They begin to look sad and withdraw.
During that same year, we noticed our son begin to withdraw from his routines, and he looked sad much of the time. When we inquired, we discovered that he wandered around the playground at recess alone or sat alone. This was unlike him.
3. They lose their appetite for the food they like or lose interest in fun activities.
A natural outgrowth of the previous symptom, kids can lose their appetite at mealtimes, and even lose their appetite for the usually attractive activities they previously enjoyed. Lack of motivation is a prime symptom of loneliness and can be associated with depression.
Editor’s Note: If you feel your child may be experiencing these symptoms, contact their physician or schedule an appointment with a mental health counselor for an assessment. ■
About The Author: Tim Elmore is an international speaker and best-selling author of more than 30 books, including Generation iY: The Secrets to Connecting With Teens & Young Adults in the Digital Age, Artificial Maturity: Helping Kids Meet the Challenges of Becoming Authentic Adults, the Habitudes® series, and 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid. He is founder and president of Growing Leaders, an organization equipping today’s young people to become the leaders of tomorrow. Sign up to receive Tim’s blog at www.growingleaders.com/blog and get more information on Growing Leaders at www.GrowingLeaders.com and @GrowingLeaders @TimElmore. Used with permission. All content contained within this article is the property of Growing Leaders, Inc. and is protected by international copyright laws, and may not be reproduced, republished, distributed, transmitted, displayed, broadcast or otherwise exploited in any manner without the express prior written permission of Growing Leaders. Growing Leaders, Inc. names and logos and all related trademarks, tradenames, and other intellectual property are the property of Growing Leaders and cannot be used without its express prior written permission.
What do you wish parents knew? (Asked of a teen.)
As a child of a parent who tends to ask a lot of questions, there are a couple questions I believe all parents should be asking their children. One of my favorite questions happens as soon as your child gets in the car when you pick them up: “How was your day?” This is a question that may seem as though it gets repetitive, but it shows that you are interested in what happened that day. Some days are boring, and your child will just respond with “fine.” If we are having a bad day, I would want my parents to ask me how they could make it better. On the days that crazy things happen, we want to tell someone about it and it may even spark an entire conversation. Those days when we are struggling, we want parents to acknowledge that. For instance, just a simple “are you okay?” or “how are you doing” can let us know that you care about our feelings and well being.
If we are struggling, sometimes it’s hard for us to get out of bed and do our favorite things. For me personally, it’s working out. Everyone close to me knows that working out makes me happy and relieves a lot of stress that may be occurring in my life. On those days that I don’t want to work out, I want my parents to ask me if I have worked out that day. Parents should be asking their child if they have participated in things that they enjoy doing.
You should also ask your child what makes them happy. There are obvious things that make people happy including friends, family, pets, etc. But there are also random small things that can make them happy. Especially during my teenage years, being social and hanging out with friends is a very important life stage. Kids tend to feel the safest when they are loved, so you should ask your child “What makes you feel loved?”
Coming from a teenager’s perspective these are just some questions you can ask your child. What I hope you can take away from this article is to just ask caring questions and talk to your child. Not only will it allow you to understand your child more, but it will also make your relationship stronger.
HAVE A QUESTION? email: sbprevent@buttecares.org We cannot guarantee all questions will be published; however, we will do our best to respond to all questions submitted.
NUMBERS
66
The percentage of time a cat sleeps in their life.
167
The fastest speed recorded on a bicycle in miles per hour.
10
The percentage of Icelanders who become a published author. (Most in the world.)
40
The number of minutes a sloth can hold his breath.
50
The percentage of adults in the world who have never drunk alcohol.
100
The number of good bacteria living in your body, in trillions.
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Are you struggling with anxiety, uncertainty, depression, or just not feeling like your "normal self"? Given our current situation, many of us are experiencing unfamiliar emotions and feelings. There are a variety of free resources available. Call, text, or email to talk. You are not alone.
○ Montana WarmLine at 1-877-688-3377 ○ Montana 2-1-1 - dial 211 for non-emergency support ○ Montana Suicide Prevention Lifeline available 24/7 at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) ○ Text “MT” to 741741 OR Text "TalkWithUs" to 66746 ○ #Lets Talk : App for youth focused on mental health and suicide prevention.
