YC Magazine - Butte Cares, October 2020

ALSO

Marijuana and Kids

October 2020

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HOW TO PREVENT BECOMING A

SNOWPLOW PARENT » Grappling with Grief » Seven Simple Steps to Support Online Learning

» Scripting a Harmonious Home BROUGHT TO YOU BY

Preventing Youth Marijuana Use Starts with Supportive Adults Research shows that parents and caregivers are the most powerful influence in a youth's life.Â

Talking often about making safe and healthy choices

Talking early

Praise them when they make positive choices

Keeping track of your youth and who they spend time with

Substance-using students, compared with non-users, are at increased risk of academic failure, including dropout.

Marijuana has a stronger negative relationship to academic outcomes, such as grade point average, than alcohol does.

Those who began using marijuana in their teens showed a poorer ability to learn and remember new words by the time they reached middle age than people who started later.

Educating yourself

Spending time together

Modeling safe and healthy behaviors

Ensure your youth knows you do not condone youth marijuana use

Setting boundaries by enforcing fair and consistent rules

Providing ways and discussing how to say no to marijuana

Not a parent? Being a supportive adult makes a difference!

Aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, coaches, counselors, faith leaders and more can play important roles in a youth's life and choices.

DuPont et al, 2013.

Journal of the American Medical Association, 2016

Individuals who used marijuana 10 or more times before the age of 18 were 2-3 times more likely to be diagnosed with schizophrenia.

12% of psychosis cases could be averted if cannabis use was prevented.

There is evidence that the use of marijuana is associated with depression, suicidal ideation and suicide attempts.

Marta Di Fori, et al. Lancet Psychiatry, 2019 Degenhart, et al. 2010 Anderson, D. et al. Am Journal of Public Health, 2014

When influential adults are present and engaged, youth are happier, healthier and make better choices.

For more information on how to support the youth in your life, visit www.parentingmontana.org

INSIDE OCTOBER 2020

FEATURES

6

How to Prevent Becoming a Snowplow Parent

14

Grappling with Grief: Coming Alongside Children as They Navigate Loss

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Seven Simple Steps to Support Online Learning

20 23

Scripting a Harmonious Home Marijuana and Kids

IN EVERY ISSUE

2 From the Director 5 The Kitchen Table 10 Faces in the Crowd 11 40 Developmental Assets 12 Assets in Action 18 Q&A / By the Numbers BROUGHT TO YOU BY

PRODUCED IN CONJUNCTION WITH

TO ADVERTISE OR CONTRIBUTE (406) 565-5226

COVER PHOTO BY

Megan Lane Photography buttecares.org

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ABOUT BUTTE CARES & SOUTHWEST MONTANA PREVENTION Primary Prevention is what Butte Cares is all about. If we as a society are ever going to gain control over the illegal use of alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs, we must concentrate our efforts on the younger generations. We work to instill values that do not condone the illegal use of drugs or underage use of alcohol. It is more practical to work together to avert a potential problem than waiting and dealing with the problem after it has taken hold. We believe that a comprehensive program addressing the needs for children, from the formative years up through graduation from high school, is the key towards a drug-free society. We include programming that involves the whole family because we know parents and guardians have the most influence in a young person’s life decisions. We are truly optimistic about the positive influences our programs have to offer. We have seen a substantial decrease of 23.72% in 30-day alcohol use in 8th graders from 2012 to 2018.* Data also showed an increase in the perception of parental disapproval of youth alcohol use by 2.91% among 8th graders. This is critical, as we know there is a direct correlation between youth use of alcohol and if they know parents disapprove of youth alcohol use.

Butte Cares has worked for several decades toward a healthier, safe, and drug-free community. Due to the award of region-wide grants, we now oversee drug and alcohol prevention efforts in all of southwest Montana. Our region-wide efforts happen under the name Southwest Montana Prevention. We are so excited to be able to take evidence-based programs out to a nine-county area through incredible, well-trained Prevention Specialists. You may run into our Prevention Specialists as they attend community meetings and meet with the schools, medical community, or faith community. We are always working toward a healthier future for our youth.

If you would like to learn more or get in contact with your county’s Prevention Specialist, please call us at (406) 565-5226.

Or email at info@buttecares.org.

According to 2018 PNA survey

*

Find us on facebook at Butte Cares, Inc. or visit our website www.buttecares.org

COUNTY PREVENTION SPECIALISTS BEAVERHEAD

Andrea Schurg / BHPrevent@Buttecares.org

BUTTE/SILVERBOW Kenzie Lincoln / SBPrevent@Buttecares.org DEER LODGE

Sue Konicek / Deerlodgeprevent@Buttecares.org

GALLATIN

Edward Sypinski / edwards@adsgc.org

JEFFERSON

Barb Reiter / breiter@jeffersoncounty-mt.gov

MADISON

Esther Lince / Preventionmc@Buttecares.org Danielle Giacomino/Madisonprevent@buttecares.org

PARK COUNTY

Megan Pennell / Parkprevent@buttecares.org

POWELL

Amanda Bohrer / Powellconnect@Buttecares.org

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Director H FROM THE

appy Autumn! Autumn is one of my favorite times of the year. I love seeing the colors change and all the beautiful fall tones that we don’t see during the rest of the year. I love the crisp, cool air in the mornings and evenings.

Everything is magical to me during this time. It is a time of retreating, if you will, preparing for the winter to come.

TAMI In Montana, it seems that everything MARTIN pumpkin spice comes early and doesn’t stick around for very long. We hope that with Fall comes rain to clear the smoky skies. The cooler weather is welcomed as our children return to school. Right now, we are wondering when the snow will come, September or October, but it is certain that the snow will come. As it is with the seasons, our children go through their own seasons. During tough seasons, it is helpful when we have someone who is supportive to surround us and lift us up. Unfortunately, not everyone has that support.

However, the YC Magazine has been a wonderful support for parents. All of the great and relevant information provided in the articles is timely with the seasons of our lives. We don’t need to tell you to play in the leaves with your children this fall, but the Assets in Action section provides wonderful ideas to celebrate Autumn with your children. It is easy as a parent, or even as an adult, to forget just how wonderful play is. We are never too old for play and never too old to play with our children. As parents, we have the biggest influence on our children. Why not encourage them to make good decisions by teaching them through play?

I would like to invite you to recognize those in your life that have given you support by nominating someone for Faces in the Crowd for our edition next quarter.

Playing outside is free, fun, and a great way to play with your children. May you laugh a lot with your children this Autumn!

TAMI MARTIN, Program Administrator Butte Cares / Southwest Montana Prevention Phone: (406) 565-5226 programadmin@buttecares.org

Youth in CTC Communities are...

25%

Less likely to engage in crime

32%

Less likely to start drinking alcohol

33%

Less likely to start smoking cigarettes

37%

Communities That Care MADISON COUNTY

Less likely to "Binge" drink

For more information contact: Esther Lince preventionmc@buttecares.org 406-498-1215

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Youth in CTC Communities are..

25% Less likely to engage in crime.

32%

33%

Less likely to start drinking alcohol

Less likely to start smoking cigarettes

37% Less likely to "binge" drink

For more information or to get involved please email bethechange406@yahoo.com

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CONFESSIONS FROM THE KITCHEN TABLE

W

COVID SILVER LININGS

hen COVID and, ultimately, quarantines hit, everyone’s world was turned upside down. However, as in everything, we have found pockets of silver linings. Most people found that before COVID, we were running ourselves ragged. Now we’re enjoying new things, or old things differently.

Below are examples of how some local families are seeing the bright side of things.

Before the pandemic, my son had tried lots of different sports but never found one he really liked. With the physical distancing directive, I told him the only way he could see his friends was to go for a bike ride. This led to daily bike rides with friends, which have increasingly gotten longer and longer and now include building their own trails and jumps and, generally, having adventures with friends. He has even joined a local mountain biking club! I’m so thankful he has found something he is passionate about – getting exercise and fresh air.

Before Covid hit, I wanted to be anywhere but here. I had even contracted to take a leave of absence so that I could travel the world. When the borders closed and we were “stuck” in our home state, I was devastated. Because of Covid, life slowed down enough that I had to stop and look around. And in looking, I began to see and remember the vast beauty of my own backyard. So, with my family, we have been rediscovering the natural beauty and wonder that was always right outside our door. Socially distant, safe, and discovering with each other.

I have found that our family has spent way more time outdoors since quarantine than we usually do, and we are already an outdoors family. We have searched to find new public lands.

They’re free and usually have bathrooms, picnic tables, and garbage containers. They often include walking and biking trails, nature preserves, and fishing accesses. We’ve also packed a picnic and got some exercise. We have a camper, and we have camped more, as well. There are websites that list out public lands, fishing accesses, and campgrounds. It’s a way to socially distance and be together out of the house.

One silver lining has been around my ability to spend more virtual time with my siblings in a weekly virtual sibling game night. Geographically, we are spread over the whole country and are rarely able to all be together. As our world turned virtual and time at home increased, doors opened for more interaction in a meaningful way! If it were not for the crazy change we have all faced, we likely would not have created this space for each other.

Before COVID, our family was so busy! Always running to different practices, etc. Now we’ve had way more family time and time with the kids. We’ve done puzzles, played games, and done crafts. We also are enjoying home-cooked meals with the family at the table. We’re eating healthier and saving more money by not eating out as much. It has helped us slow down and learn to enjoy each other and simpler things.

When the quarantine started, I was bound and determined not to end up with a bunch of couch potatoes at the end of it. I didn’t want the kids spending the whole day in front of the TV. They were already now having to “attend” school in front of a screen.

We started either going for a walk or a bike ride every day. My son would read all day if I let him, so it was important to get him outside for some fresh air and exercise. As the weather warmed up, the kids would go out and ride their scooters in the neighborhood. If we hadn’t been forced to get out and make our own fun, they’d still be sitting in the house.

For Easter, since our family from across the state (and deployed overseas) couldn’t get together, we held a Zoom virtual brunch.

While it wasn’t the same as being together, we were able to see each other, catch up, and even see our deployed son-in-law, which wouldn’t have happened otherwise.

We don’t know how much longer we’ll be forced to social distance, but there have been silver linings in the quarantine. Some have even said it will be hard to go back to “normal.” The most important thing to remember is to keep what worked, and get rid of things that didn’t. ■

YOU CAN SUBMIT YOUR STORY AT: sbprevent@buttecares.org

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how to prevent becom

SNOWPLOW

By DR. TIM ELMORE

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On my drive to work each day, I pass by several bus stops where children wait to be picked up. They are not alone. Parents are there, too. Lots of them.

Once I stopped to count the number of adults waiting with several 8to 11-year-old students.

There were more parents waiting at the bus stop than students.

I

also drive on crowded roads where the number of cars doubles when school is in session. Why? Moms and dads drive their kids to school, or they purchase a car for their kids to drive themselves. It’s now the norm in many school districts.

This is a picture of a new normal.

ming a

PARENT

THE PROS AND CONS OF TODAY’S PARENTING STYLE I have mixed emotions about all of this. On the one hand, I love the fact that parents today want to be present with their children.

These intentional parents spend time and money on tutors, travel sports teams, and other activities that give their children an advantage in life. For example, parents now spend more money raising their children than any previous generation did, according to Consumer Expenditure Survey data analyzed by the sociologists Sabino Kornrich and Frank Furstenberg. Furthermore, “according to time-use data analyzed by Melissa A. Milkie, a sociologist at the University of Toronto, today’s working mothers spend as much time doing hands-on activities with their children as stay-at-home mothers did in the 1970s.”

Whether it’s out of fear for their safety or to bolster their self-esteem, moms and dads now find time to lobby for their children’s success.

One teen identified her mom as her “agent.”

These parents are more than “helicopters” who hover over their kids. They’ve gone from monitoring kid’s lives to manipulating them.

They are downright intrusive, all in name continued on page 9

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In Montana, parents want what’s best for their kids.

ParentingMontana.org has information

and tools for parents of children at every age.

TOOLS FOR YOUR CHILD’S SUCCESS This product was supported [in part] by CFDA 93.959 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).

The content of this publication does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of SAMHSA or Health and Human Services.

continued from page 7

of their child’s progress and success. Even parents with college-age children: • Have been known to bring their children home because they didn’t like their roommates • Are known to pay sororities/fraternities to improve their children’s applications.

• Have written papers and essays for their children when classes became too hard.

• Have been known to bribe college admissions staff for entrance into schools.

Journalists Claire Cain Miller and Jonah Engel Bromwich wrote, “Helicopter parenting, the practice of hovering anxiously near one’s children, monitoring their every activity, is so 20th century.

Some affluent mothers and fathers now are more like snowplows: machines chugging ahead, clearing any obstacles in their child’s path to success, so they don’t have to encounter failure, frustration, or lost opportunities.”

It’s not just affluent parents either. Recent studies suggest that parents across lines of class and race are embracing the idea of intensive parenting, whether or not they can afford it.

Think about it. If children never face obstacles, what happens when they get into the real world? “They flounder,” says Julie Lythcott-Haims, former dean of freshmen at Stanford and the author of How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. We are the ones who created the “snowflake” generation.

SNOWPLOW PARENTS TEND TO RAISE SNOWFLAKE KIDS The snowflake generation is a term that was coined in the late 2010s to describe the population of kids raised by parents who never let them fall down, skin their knees, or fail at anything. As you might imagine, these kids grew up (and are still growing up) a bit fragile—like a snowflake.

They are unready for the rigors of university life. They need adults to make places emotionally safe when the only danger is a speaker they might disagree with on campus, and they can’t navigate a tough class or negotiate with a professor to raise their grades through extra work.

These are adult tasks, and they are not yet adults emotionally.

So, here is the one phrase I want to reinforce with you as a parent: Snowplow parents tend to raise snowflake kids.

FOUR STEPS TO STOP SNOWPLOWING AND RAISE SELF-SUFFICIENT KIDS 1. Ease them toward independence while they are still living with you.

The safest time for kids to learn independence is when they’re in a safe place called Mom and Dad’s house. It’s like a simulator. When my two kids were in high school, my wife had them begin doing their own laundry. We had them pay for half of their car, and we taught them to resolve any conflicts they had as siblings by age 12. Why? This is all part of growing up. The best part of this was they knew how to do it when they left for college.

“...today’s working mothers spend as much time doing hands-on activities with their children as stay-at-home mothers did in the 1970s.”

2. Combine autonomy with responsibility, and increase these traits as they age.

The two ingredients that indicate maturity are the readiness for autonomy (I can do this on my own) and responsibility (I will own this task as if it were my own). When our kids wanted more autonomy, I always tried to combine that freedom with a corresponding responsibility, a sense of ownership. If they borrowed the family car, I had them pay for the gas in the tank. If they wanted the right to stay out later than curfew at night, we made sure they could meet the deadline for their current curfew first.

3. Don’t do for them what they should do for themselves.

Some student affairs staff members tell me that their students’ parents call them consistently about topics the students should figure out by college. For instance, moms will call and ask what items are in the dining hall salad bar so they can choose what their kid should eat for lunch. Parents call or text to make sure their children wake up and don’t miss class. Another parent intervened via video chat to resolve a conflict her child had with a roommate over a stolen peanut butter jar.

These are normal tasks that teens should perform on their own. We delay their maturation when we do them.

4. Always ask yourself: Does helping them now hurt them in the long run?

This is a great accountability question for parents. When you find yourself intruding in your teen’s life, ask yourself if helping him or her is really going to help him down the road? Is helping your child actually hurting him? Does your help disable him from learning hard lessons he’ll thank you for later? Remember this phrase: The further I can see into the future, the better the decision I make today for my child.

“In a new poll by The New York Times and Morning Consult of a nationally representative group of parents of children ages 18 to 28, three-quarters had made appointments for their adult children, like for doctor visits or haircuts, and the same share had reminded them of deadlines for school,” according to an NYT column. “Eleven percent said they would contact their child’s employer if their child had an issue. Sixteen percent of those with children in college had texted or called them to wake them up so they didn’t sleep through a class or test. Eight percent had contacted a college professor or administrator about their child’s grades or a problem they were having.”

If we are snowplows, we will likely create snowflakes.. ■

About The Author: Tim Elmore is an international speaker and best-selling author of more than 30 books, including Generation iY: The Secrets to Connecting With Teens & Young Adults in the Digital Age, Artificial Maturity: Helping Kids Meet the Challenges of Becoming Authentic Adults, the Habitudes® series, and 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid. He is founder and president of Growing Leaders, an organization equipping today’s young people to become the leaders of tomorrow. Sign up to receive Tim’s blog at www.growingleaders.com/blog and get more information on Growing Leaders at www.GrowingLeaders.com and @GrowingLeaders @TimElmore.

Used with permission. All content contained within this article is the property of Growing Leaders, Inc. and is protected by international copyright laws, and may not be reproduced, republished, distributed, transmitted, displayed, broadcast or otherwise exploited in any manner without the express prior written permission of Growing Leaders. Growing Leaders, Inc. names and logos and all related trademarks, tradenames, and other intellectual property are the property of Growing Leaders and cannot be used without its express prior written permission.

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Check out who’s standing out in our community.

IS THERE SOMEONE YOU’D LIKE TO NOMINATE? Please email sbprevent@buttecares.org and tell us why this individual has stood out in your crowd.

Olivia Kailey

Olivia is part of the Be the Change 406 Youth Coalition located in Beaverhead County. This year she attended both of the CADCA leadership conferences, where she learned how to make lasting change in her community. She has aspirations of leaving her community substance-free and a better place than she grew up in for the future youth of Montana. Olivia says that taking part in the CADCA conference in Washington, DC solidified her dream of one day becoming a politician, where she hopes to make the same kind of change at a state or national level. Great job, Olivia!

Aubree Bohrer and Brandon Hilder

Aubree is a senior in Powell County and a dedicated helper in her community. She started the Powell County reACT youth prevention coalition five years ago She is involved in 4-H, FFA, Honors Society, and the Deer Lodge Youth Board. Aubree noticed that the Saint James Episcopal Church needed lawn care and volunteered to do it for them, and Brandon Hilder offered to help. Brandon, a 10th grader in Powell County, shares a desire for community service and is a fellow member of the reACT coalition since last October. He loves shooting sports, acting in school plays, and working on the school farm. Here you see the two of them making sure their mowers are mowing at the same height to ensure quality work.

Rochelle Hesford

Rochelle, SW MT Regional Director for the 21st Century Program, has been involved with the 21st Century Program in various capacities for the past 16 years. She began her association with the program as an Americorp Vista for two years, during which time she really took to heart the program’s community building focus. Since then, she has written numerous grants to support schools in their educational and community efforts. The most recent and significant one is a federal literacy grant which has funded Jefferson High School and Boulder and Basin elementary schools with money to address educational and social/emotional needs for students. The bottom line for Rochelle in all of these endeavors has been her dedication and passion for all youth­—our next generation!

Dave Hutchins

Dave Hutchins, owner of the Bike Lab in Butte, volunteered his time to inspect and repair about fifty bikes for the youth in Silver Bow County. Dave has a passion for riding bikes and would love to see more youth enjoy the sport like he does. The bikes were donated by members of the Butte community and, when all was said and done, about forty children received bikes for free! This was an alternative activity organized by Prevention Specialist Kenzie Lincoln. This was Butte Cares Inc.’s First Annual Bike Drive, and next year they are planning on partnering with Kiwanis of Butte for their Bike Rodeo.

Awesome job volunteering, Dave! Butte Cares could not have organized this event without you!

Linda Lee Morley

Linda Lee Morley, owner of Marley’s Paint and Party, is an upstanding member of Butte. She dreamed of a place for kids to express their creativity and for adults to learn of the therapeutic and relaxing benefits of art. She has been in business for five years and states that it is amazing that she is able to do what she loves and still pay the bills. These great aspirations have led her to partner with Butte Cares to provide an event for the youth and parents of Butte Silverbow at a lower cost, donating some of her time and supplies to help keep students and parents interacting together, learning, and growing to provide a safer, drug-free community.

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future

No one will do more important work

As a licensed child care provider, you can stay home with your children, have your own business, and make a difference in the lives of children in our community.

We can help support your business through financial incentives, professional development, and more.

This publication was made possible by Grant Number 90TP0026-01-00 from the Office of Child Care, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Its contents are solely the responsibility of the authors and do not necessarily represent the official views of the Office of Child Care, the Administration for Children and Families, or the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

IT’S EASY TO GET STARTED

40 DEVELOPMENTAL ASSETS

CARING FOR MONTANA’S

40 Developmental Assets are essential qualities of life that help young people thrive, do well in school, and avoid risky behavior.

Youth Connections utilizes the 40 Developmental Assets Framework to guide the work we do in promoting positive youth development. The 40 Assets model was developed by the Minneapolis-based Search Institute based on extensive research. Just as we are coached to diversify our financial assets so that all our eggs are not in one basket, the strength that the 40 Assets model can build in our youth comes through diversity. In a nutshell, the more of the 40 Assets youth possess, the more likely they are to exhibit positive behaviors and attitudes (such as good health and school success) and the less likely they are to exhibit risky behaviors (such as drug use and promiscuity).

It’s that simple: if we want to empower and protect our children, building the 40 Assets in our youth is a great way to start.

Look over the list of Assets on the following page and think about what Assets may be lacking in our community and what Assets you can help build in our young people. Do what you can do with the knowledge that even through helping build one asset in one child, you are increasing the chances that child will grow up safe and successful. Through our combined efforts, we will continue to be a place where Great Kids Make Great Communities.

Turn the page to learn more!

The 40 Developmental Assets® may be reproduced for educational, noncommercial uses only. Copyright © 1997 Search Institute®, 615 First Avenue NE, Suite 125, Minneapolis, MN 55413; 800-888-7828; www.search-institute.org. All rights reserved.

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assets in action

40 DEVELOPMENTAL ASSETS

4 SUPPORT

Be the Change 406 Youth Coalition behind their park bench

1. Family support: Family life provides high levels of love and support.

2. Positive family communication: Young person and her or his parent(s) communicate positively, and young person is willing to seek advice and counsel from parent(s).

3. Other adult relationships: Young person receives support from three or more nonparent adults.

4. Caring neighborhood: Young person experiences caring neighbors.

5. Caring school climate: School provides a caring, encouraging environment.

6. Parent involvement in school: Parent(s) are actively involved in helping young person succeed in school.

EMPOWERMENT

7. Community values youth: Young person perceives that adults in the community value youth.

8. Youth as resources: Young people are given useful roles in the community.

9. Service to others: Young person serves in the community one hour or more per week.

10. Safety: Young person feels safe at home, at school, and in the neighborhood.

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BOUNDARIES & EXPECTATIONS Community leaders setting the tone for success in Jefferson County Butte Cares and Butte Kiwanis at their annual Bike Drive

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11. Family boundaries: Family has clear rules and consequences and monitors the young person’s whereabouts.

12. School boundaries: School provides clear rules and consequences.

13. Neighborhood boundaries: Neighbors take responsibility for monitoring young people’s behavior.

14. Adult role models: Parent(s) and other adults model positive, responsible behavior.

15. Positive peer influence: Young person’s best friends model responsible behavior.

16. High expectations: Both parent(s) and teachers encourage the young person to do well.

CONSTRUCTIVE USE OF TIME

Powell County reACT members award a scholarship

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17. Creative activities: Young person spends three or more hours per week in lessons or practice in music, theater, or other arts.

18. Youth programs: Young person spends three or more hours per week in sports, clubs, or organizations at school and/or in the community.

19. Religious community: Young person spends one or more hours per week in activities in a religious institution.

20. Time at home: Young person is out with friends “with nothing special to do” two or fewer nights per week.

If you or your child would like to submit a picture that represents one of the 40 Developmental Assets, please email sbprevent@buttecares.org with a picture and the number of the asset the picture represents.

Not all pictures are guaranteed publication.

17 COMMITMENT TO LEARNING

21. Achievement motivation: Young person is motivated to do well in school.

22. School engagement: Young person is actively engaged in learning.

23. Homework: Young person reports doing at least one hour of homework every school day.

24. Bonding to school: Young person cares about her or his school.

25. Reading for pleasure: Young person reads for pleasure three or more hours per week.

Participants in SCRC Leadership camp perform a creative skit

POSITIVE VALUES

SOCIAL COMPETENCIES

32. Planning and decision making: Young person knows how to plan ahead and make choices.

33. Interpersonal competence: Young person has empathy, sensitivity, and friendship skills.

34. Cultural competence: Young person has knowledge of and comfort with people of different cultural/racial/ethnic backgrounds.

35. Resistance skills: Young person can resist negative peer pressure and dangerous situations.

36. Peaceful conflict resolution: Young person seeks to resolve conflict nonviolently.

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26. Caring: Young person places high value on helping other people.

27. Equality and social justice: Young person places high value on promoting equality and reducing hunger and poverty.

28. Integrity: Young person acts on convictions and stands up for her or his beliefs.

29. Honesty: Young person “tells the truth even when it is not easy.”

30. Responsibility: Young person accepts and takes personal responsibility.

31. Restraint: Young person believes it is important not to be sexually active or to use alcohol or other drugs.

Be The Change 406 Youth member enjoying a hike Parenting Montana Stay-at-Home Activity Kits provided to Beaverhead families

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POSITIVE IDENTITY

37. Personal power: Young person feels he or she has control over “things that happen to me.”

38. Self-esteem: Young person reports having a high self-esteem.

39. Sense of purpose: Young person reports that “my life has a purpose.”

40. Positive view of personal future: Young person is optimistic about her or his personal future.

Be the Change 406 Youth Coalition 2020 BBQ

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GRAPPLING WITH GRIEF: coming alongside children as they navigate loss

By CRYSTAL AMUNDSON, MS, LCPC, RPT-S

F

our months ago, I had a conversation with my child about cancelling her birthday plans. She cried for 10 minutes, then immediately began planning the make-up celebration. She still has not gotten to do that celebration and when I spoke with her recently about cancelling summer camp, her reaction was bigger. Much bigger. She has recognized there is no end date for the growing list of things she has lost to this pandemic: playdates, family reunions, crowded cafeterias, collaborative classrooms, and junior theatre productions. It is no secret that this pandemic has been hard on kids. A significant number of the emotional reactions I’ve witnessed from children, both in my home and my counseling practice, stem from grief.

Our culture has a difficult time with grief and adding a global pandemic does not make the subject any simpler. I describe pandemic grief as, “recalling pre-COVID versions of life, followed by an immediate sense of loss and longing.” Grief is most often understood as loss and longing for a significant relationship.

But a sense of loss and longing can also occur for an identity or experience.

Grief is an overwhelming experience at any age, but children are particularly vulnerable to the ache. The areas of the brain responsible for assigning words to emotions, experiencing empathy, and problem-solving are still developing in children, so it is scientific that a child’s experience of grief is often non-verbal, socially unacceptable, and a jumbled mess.

It can look like sadness, but it can also look like anger. Children experiencing grief may scrounge for control anywhere they can get it (inflexibility with routines, intense power struggles), or they may be paralyzed by a lack of control (overwhelmed by simple decisions, clingy to caregivers).

So, what is a concerned caregiver to do?

First, recognize your own grief. While you have neurological resources that your child does not, this is still difficult. Routines you built have been shattered. Coping skills you relied on, like an exercise class or night at the movies, have disappeared. Pandemic grief as a parent is a constant tug of first my loss and longing, then my child’s. First my longing for classrooms to open, then my child’s. First my loss of summer plans, then my child’s. By

The areas of the brain responsible for assigning words to emotions, experiencing empathy, and problem-solving are still developing in children, so it is scientific that a child’s experience of grief is often non-verbal, socially unacceptable, and a jumbled mess. recognizing your own grief, you are able to get in touch with the experience and be more authentic in a compassionate response to your child.

Second, follow the advice of Dr. Dan Siegel: “Name it to tame it.” When humans experience an overwhelming emotion like grief, their limbic system is activated. The limbic system dumps stress hormones and prepares our system for a threat response.

Rewinding to the summer camp example, my child was overwhelmed by anger and sadness, her limbic system dumped some cortisol, giving her the fuel to scream, stomp, and slam her door. By naming the overwhelming experience, we bring the verbal part of her (and my) brain into the situation. The frontal lobe is able to make sense of the anger and sadness as a logical concept, then call off the alarmed limbic system.

Me (sitting on the other side of her door): You’re really sad that you can’t go to camp.

Child (screaming): No, I am not sad! Do I sound sad? Camp is stupid and COVID is stupid.

Me: You are really mad that you can’t go to camp.

Child (still screaming): COVID ruined

everything. It ruined everything in March, and it’s still ruining everything.

Me: You are so right. Of course you’re mad.

“Name it to tame it” is not a fancy or complicated technique, but it is science and it does work. While there is a cultural pressure to focus on the positive, that can actually exacerbate difficult feelings. Consider the snooze button on an alarm clock. Hitting it does not cancel the reality that you have to wake up. It only postpones and prolongs the alarming process. Similarly, the limbic system registers unaddressed feelings as unaddressed threats. Pretending everything is fine risks prolonging emotional distress.

Finally, work hard to avoid comparative suffering. Comparative suffering is when a difficulty is minimized by focusing on a difficulty that is perceived as worse.

Comparative suffering often contains an “at least” and children are frequently the targets.

“Cancelled summer camp is a bummer, but at least your family is healthy.”

“You are stuck at home for two weeks, but at least you have your own room.”

Comparative suffering takes a painful situation and dumps a dose of shame on top.

Shame robs us of our ability to connect with others, so comparative suffering leaves us pained, ashamed, and alone. While this is a human experience, it is particularly painful for children. My daughter’s cancelled summer camp may seem like nothing compared to decisions I am forced to make about my small business. However, as Dr. Brené Brown explains, “Perspective is a function of experience.” At ten years old, exactly 10% of my child’s birthdays have been ruined by a pandemic. At many-more years old, approximately 3% of my birthdays have been ruined by a pandemic. Replacing comparative suffering with compassion allows us to honor our child’s grief while maintaining connection. Through consistent connection and compassion, children are able to develop a more empowered awareness of grief that will serve them beyond this pandemic and into adulthood. ■ buttecares.org

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seven simple steps TO SUPPORT ONLINE LEARNING

By EMILY HANKINS & ASHLIE BURESH, Teachers

T

his time of year usually brings anticipation of new school supplies and old friends. This school year anticipation is replaced with apprehension. While it is impossible to know exactly what the school year might entail, we do know that technology and online learning will play a bigger role in education than ever before. So how can we, the parents (with limited tech skills), help our children (the digital natives)?

STEP 1 – OWN YOUR FLAWS Do not pretend to know everything about technology, because chances are you don’t.

If your kiddo asks you something you don’t know, admit it and then work to find the answer.

STEP 2 – BE OPEN TO LEARNING You are your child’s best advocate and teacher, and you are not alone.

Open communication with your child’s teacher(s) is key. If you have a question, ask them. Often, a technology question that might take you and your child a day to figure out could be answered by the teacher in a quick email or two-minute phone call.

Some schools are planning ways to teach parents how to use the technology needed for digital learning. If you feel unsure about your technology skills, take advantage of these opportunities.

STEP 3 – STAY POSITIVE Online learning may not be all fun and games, but try to stay positive, especially in front of the kids. They will mimic your attitude. If they get grumpy about online learning, everyone’s life is going to be harder.

STEP 4 – DISCUSS TECHNOLOGY ETIQUETTE Remind your student to mind their manners while attending online class or when in a digital meeting. For example, they can show they are paying attention by making “eye contact” with others on the screen.

Remembering not to do things like texting or eating while on screen goes a long way to show respect. Younger students may need a reminder that zoom is not show and tell time.

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We like to compare the internet to a big city.

Visiting an educational website is like going to a park. If you leave the park you could get lost or end up in an unsafe neighborhood. Younger students need to stay in the park and require more supervision, while older students should be allowed a bit more freedom to explore.

While on a digital meeting, sitting with their back to the wall helps the student insure that others in the home stay off the screen.

Don’t forget about sound; train your child click “mute” anytime they are not talking.

Make sure everyone in your household knows when an online meeting is happening, so they can help to limit distractions. Feel free to listen in, but if you have a question for the teacher, save it for later. Class time is for kids.

STEP 5 - TAKE SAFETY SERIOUSLY We like to compare the internet to a big city.

Visiting an educational website is like going to a park. If you leave the park you could get lost or end up in an unsafe neighborhood.

Younger students need to stay in the park and require more supervision, while older students should be allowed a bit more freedom to explore.

No matter how old they are, it is a good idea to check in with your child often about their online activity.

If you have questions about the appropriateness of a website, or other media, one of our favorite resources is CommonSenseMedia.com.

STEP 6 – KINDNESS COUNTS When it comes to online communication, kindness counts. Because students can’t see each other’s faces and reactions, it is easy for them to forget that there are real people with real feelings on the other side of chats, emails, and social media conversations.

Because of this, cyber bullying is a BIG problem. Talk to them about using kind language just as they would in person, and to report cyber bullying if they see it.

Here are the three steps to handle unkind online behavior: 1. Document it – print it or screen shot it.

2. Delete it – from the original source so no one else can see it.

3. Report it – to a trusted adult.

STEP 7 – KEEP A SCHOOL SCHEDULE Set up a schedule and be consistent. This will help everyone keep their sanity and will make routines of going to bed and waking up in the morning easier when school is back in session.

Make sure your child is taking screen breaks and spending time moving. Build outdoor “recess” into your day. It is amazing how refreshing 15 minutes away from the computer feels. If you find your child is becoming irritated or frustrated take a short walk to set the “reset” button.

If your student finishes their assigned work ahead of schedule, ask their teacher(s) for ways to supplement their learning, or let them “play” on education websites. Your school librarian is a great source for digital learning resources.

Digital learning will not be perfect, but these steps can help. Parents, caregivers, students, and teachers are in this together and, despite the apprehension, we will learn and grow from the experience. ■ About The Authors: Emily Hankins and Ashlie Buresh are veteran teachers and the authors of The Summer Before Kindergarten

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NUMBERS Do I have an addiction? The current Coronavirus situation has triggered stress and anxiety in many of us and with that the need to self sooth. Some are wondering if they are going to need weight watchers or AA or both at the end of this pandemic. Joking aside, what are the indicators that you may have a problem that needs addressing? The Diagnostic Criteria for Substance Use Disorder (SUD) asks the following questions:

20

Crayola Crayons are one of the top 20 recognizable scents to American adults.

1. Is the substance being taken in larger amounts and/or over

a longer period of time than intended?

2. Have there been attempts or unsuccessful efforts made to

cut down or control substance use?

3. Is there a significant amount of time spent in activities to

obtain or use the substance, and/or recover from the effects of the substance?

4. Are you craving or having a strong desire to use substances?

5. Are you continuing to use substances resulting in a failure to fulfill major roles/expectations in school, work, or at home?

6. Are you continuing substance use despite persistent or reoccurring social and/or personal problems?

7. Have important activities been given up or reduced because of substance use?

8. Are you using substances even when it’s physically hazardous?

9. Is your substance use continued despite having physical or psychological issues as a result of substance use?

10. Do you experience either increased or decreased tolerance for substance use?

11. Have you experienced either withdrawal symptoms and/or continue to use substances to avoid withdrawal symptoms?

If you answered yes to 2–3 questions, you are experiencing mild SUD, 4–5 is moderate and 6+ equates to a severe disorder.

It’s critical to keep in mind that substance use disorder ia a disease that affects a person’s brain and behavior and leads to an inability to control the use of a drug or medication. When you’re addicted, you may continue using the drug despite the harm it causes.

If you are struggling with addictions, it’s important to seek help. Licensed Addictions Counselors offer individual, group and family therapy. There are daily AA meetings in most towns and parenting classes like Nurturing Parenting that are specifically designed for parents struggling with substance use.

The bravest thing you can do is to ask for help. Many people struggling with addictions feel guilt, loneliness and hopelessness. You are not alone, so make that first step today towards your journey to recovery.

HAVE A QUESTION?

email: sbprevent@buttecares.org We cannot guarantee all questions will be published; however, we will do our best to respond to all questions submitted.

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3 million

The number of shipwrecks on the ocean floor, worth billions in value and treasure.

7

The time, in seconds, it takes food to get from your mouth to your stomach

12.6

The number of miles a typist’s fingers travel in a typical workday

100

The number of years an alligator lives.

31

The speed a domestic cat can sprint, in mph.

In Montana, parents want what’s best for their kids.

ParentingMontana.org has information

and tools for parents of children at every age.

TOOLS FOR YOUR CHILD’S SUCCESS This product was supported [in part] by CFDA 93.959 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).

The content of this publication does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of SAMHSA or Health and Human Services.

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scripting

A HARMONIOUS HOME

By KELLY ACKERMAN, LCPC

I

magine, just for a moment, coming home to someone’s smiling face warmly telling you they are glad to see you home and offering you a hug. As you begin to tend to the mail and dinner, another family member comments, “When you return home after a long day at work and continue on to do laundry and get the bills paid, it shows me how committed you are to us and to our happiness. Your meals are thoughtful, and even though you are tired, I notice the energy you continue to give to us.” The smiles of this family are contagious. The youngest one is attempting to set the table, reaching high to get a glass from the counter, only to find it falling and breaking on the ground. “Oh, dang, those glasses are slippery,” someone comments with a smile and little laugh.

“Here, just hold the dustpan while I sweep.

It will be cleaned up in no time,” Dad says while engaging the child in a rendition of Snow White’s Whistle While You Work. Yes, this home is like a 30-minute sitcom on TV in which there is harmony, and pleasantry is the norm with each family member feeling valued even when there are hard lessons to learn. This is fiction, a fantasy home of course…or is it really?

Although not all of life’s problems can be fixed in 30 minutes, and although we are complex humans with a full range of real emotions, home life can indeed embody love, acceptance, and accord while promoting the worth and value of each member of the clan. The catch is this: changing the atmosphere of the home begins with the adults in it. This transition takes intention and intensity, but in adapting a positive mindset you can begin to direct a home script resembling a TV script that pays off in your peace of mind and children who know their self-worth.

Achieving harmony is not done overnight. The intention that is required is a dedication to begin seeing with a set of lenses that magnify what the kids (and their friends) are doing right. In our society,

There is not a team of set managers making your home look picture perfect.

However, when you step into the frame of mind of being a director of your home, you can choose to set a positive, playful, and accepting ambiance that over time will look to outsiders like a well-cast TV series. we are programmed to look for the flaws in need of correction. Those little flaws become magnified to parents, and it is through lecture and correction that we try our darndest to mold and shape kids who just want to be unconditionally accepted and loved…perhaps in the same way we want to be unconditionally accepted and loved. The change comes with intention of communicating the good behaviors, contributions, efforts and character traits that likely far outweigh the negative aspects.

Using specific language to “notice” and “name the characteristics” may sound a bit forced at first, but in time, it begins to pay off. I work with families on a daily basis to find the positive aspects and intentionally recognize at least 10 great moments each day out loud sounding something like, “When

you get up and brush your teeth without needing reminders, you show me that you have self-respect and are responsible.” It may also be simply noticing, “When I got home this evening, I noticed that your backpack and shoes were not on the couch, but put away.” There is no “good job,” or “thanks” in these statements, they are specific and give direct positive affirmation to the inner voice of whomever receives the message leaving you both feeling great.

Additionally, promoting a positive home atmosphere requires intensity. Typically we spend a great deal of energy responding to negative behaviors through lecturing, scolding, punishing and reprimanding. We may spend 15 minutes or more lecturing on why the garbage is everyone’s job and leaving it is a sign of laziness. Yet, when is the last time you gave the same positive intensity when the garbage was taken out?

It is far less draining to give excitement and momentum to that which is going right.

The facial affect of someone who is angry is full of power and clearly communicates hostility without words. The facial affect of someone who is delighted can have the same power if we focus on “lighting up” like a firework on the Fourth of July.

For just a moment, consider going to work. When you arrive, how do you want to be greeted? How do you want your boss to recognize you: for your mistakes or your contributions? How do you feel around people who notice your flaws versus those who notice your positive qualities? It is the intentional recognition with great intensity that changes the atmosphere of a home.

The books may be dusty, the crumbs are still on the floor, and the grass is growing long. There is not a team of set managers making your home look picture perfect.

However, when you step into the frame of mind of being a director of your home, you can choose to set a positive, playful, and accepting ambiance that over time will look to outsiders like a well-cast TV series. ■

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MARIJUANA and kids

By YOUTH CONNECTIONS STAFF

T

here is so much false information about marijuana, it’s important to get the facts. With several states legalizing “medical” or recreational marijuana, there’s data to prove it does not benefit kids. Here’s what science and research know to be true: MARIJUANA IS ADDICTING Twenty to twenty-five percent of youth who start using regularly in their teenage years will become addicted. Long-term marijuana users who try to quit report withdrawal symptoms, including irritability, sleeplessness, decreased appetite, anxiety, and drug craving, all of which can make it difficult to stay off the drug.

MARIJUANA AND MENTAL HEALTH Recent research suggests that smoking high-potency marijuana every day could increase the chances of developing psychosis by nearly five times compared to people who have never used marijuana. (Psychosis is a condition where one loses touch with reality and may hear, see, or believe things that aren’t real.)

Marijuana use has also been linked to other mental health problems, such as depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts among teens.

Colorado toxicology reports show the percentage of adolescent

suicide victims testing positive for marijuana has increased.

MARIJUANA AND THE DEVELOPING BRAIN A recent study found a permanent reduction of eight IQ points in youth who are regular users. When teens begin using marijuana, the drug may impair thinking, memory, and learning functions and affect how the brain builds connections between the areas necessary for these functions. Marijuana use is linked to a higher likelihood of dropping out of school, decreased initiative, accidents, and injuries.

MARIJUANA AND FAMILIES While marijuana is supposed to be for adults, a recent study showed that parental use increases a child’s risk of substance use and other psychiatric problems.

No matter how you feel about it personally, one thing is clear – it is not good for kids. Legalization increases access and reduces perceived risk of harm – factors for increased use by youth. The number one reason a child chooses not to use is the expectations of their parents.

Talk early, talk often, stick to the facts. For resources on what to say, visit: drugabuse.gov and search “Marijuana: Facts Parents Need to Know.” Let’s help our kids reach their full potential by helping them be substance free. ■

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Parents Unite To Prevent Underage Substance Abuse

Let’s face it, it’s difficult to start a conversation about underage substance abuse; the important thing is that you start.

www.letsfaceitmt.com

LET’S FACE IT Parents Unite To Prevent Underage Substance Abuse

In Montana, parents want what’s best for their kids.

ParentingMontana.org has information

and tools for parents of children at every age.

TOOLS FOR YOUR CHILD’S SUCCESS This product was supported [in part] by CFDA 93.959 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).

The content of this publication does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of SAMHSA or Health and Human Services.

Butte Cares Inc. 305 W. Mercury St., Suite 301 Butte, MT 59701