8 minute read
Parenting with Dual Families
with dual families PARENTING
Two Vital Ways to Support a Positive Summer Visit with a Parent
By KELLY KILLHAM, LCSW
Parenting through divorce is difficult, to say the least, but one of many main points reiterated tirelessly from experts is that children should maintain important, independent relationships with each parent whether the household is married, single, or divorced because it fosters good judgment, character, and values. While being separated for the summer may be difficult for child and parent, it is definitely in the best interest of supporting such a relationship. Parenting in a consistent manner is demanding for any household, let alone navigating the difficulty of working toward building a working relationship with a former partner. There are two components to be considered when preparing your child and yourself for an extended visit with their mother or father following a divorce or separation: the practicalities of the visit and the emotional issue for parents and child of adjusting to the change.
Be sure the other parent is aware of details vital to summer activities such as swim level, hiking level, or biking level. Communicate regarding your child’s favorite foods, habits, i.e. needing a nightlight or even friends that they will miss and would like to contact over the summer. While something may seem like a small detail, knowing and sharing aspects of your child’s day-today life will help support their adjustment so that they can enjoy the visit, which will in turn helps foster that positive independent relationship with their other parent.
Make sure that the communication plan is clear, including whether the child will have access to a cell phone, Skype, or other methods of communication, as well as set up a schedule. This will be supportive in terms of helping your child to adjust to a new place because it will ease both your anxiety and theirs. It has been shown that children who are allowed consistent and open communication with both their parents through divorce adjust better to the change.
Children frequently demonstrate or express in a multitude of imaginative ways that communication between mom and dad is key whether separated, single, divorced, or even intact as a family. In one instance, a child specifically stated that being able to contact either mom or dad when needed has been vital in her being able to cope with emotions and be successful with
the transition to and from each parent’s household. When planning and preparing for the visit (or always), make certain that positive communication is of the utmost priority. Positive communication supports the second component, taking care of your child’s emotions, as well as your own.
It could go without saying that divorce, separation, and coping with two households is emotionally loaded for children and parents alike. However, helping your child to name and process through emotions such as fear, anxiety, and worry (if applicable) prior to the trip is vital. Working through emotions with a trusted adult builds selfesteem and security in children. Equally as important is the parent’s ability to cope with their own anxiety. Helping your child to share their worries with their other parent in order to foster trust is a great way to support their relationship. It’s important to remember, you cannot help them through freaking out when you are freaking out, so find sources to support you in working through your difficulties with being separated from your child/children for an extended period of time.
One idea might be making a list of long overdue tasks to be accomplished for helping yourself through the absence. Another might be to reconnect with an old friend. Be supportive of your child’s excitement, and supportive of their having that positive independent relationship with their other parent because it will largely benefit your child in the long run.
If children are older and will miss social activities and events with their friends, processing and understanding their potential anger, sadness, and frustration will also help you and the other parent to help your child to adjust and work through their difficulties. Whatever the emotion, helping your child through the emotion and helping your coparenting partner to understand the emotion will support the positive experience, and the positive relationship that you wish to build will in turn help your child to become a happy well-adjusted positive person later in life.
In summary, when preparing for your child’s extended summer visit, take care of the details and take care of yourself. Help your child through the emotional difficulties and support their positive emotions in order to foster that positive relationship with their other parent as well as build your working relationship with the other parent. Hopefully the results will be a positive, well-adjusted child with two great families. ■
RESOURCES
Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child Isolina Ricci, PhD
The CoParenting Toolkit: The Essential Supplement for Mom’s House, Dad’s House Isolina Ricci, PhD
“A Parent’s Guide to Making Child-Focused Visitation Decisions” svnworldwide.org/visitation-decisions.asp
TALKING TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT drugs & alcohol
By MATTHEW QUINN, LCPC, CADC
Today kids as young as ten years old are beginning to experiment with alcohol, marijuana, and tobacco. Because the brain is not fully developed until the mid-twenties, young people are more likely to take risks compared to adults. When the brain is still developing, addictive substances physically alter its structure and function faster and more intensely than in adults. These effects interfere with brain development, which can affect decisionmaking, judgment, impulse control, emotion, and memory. Using drugs or alcohol at an early age also increases the risk of addiction.
For many parents, discussing this topic can be difficult, but research confirms the idea that when parents talk to their children about drugs and alcohol, they are much less likely to become users. If you’re thinking about starting the conversation with your kids, consider taking these steps:
START WHEN THEY’RE YOUNG
It’s better to start talking with your child before he or she reaches the teenage years. As a parent, it’s important to make sure your child is aware of your values and concerns. Start early and continue the discussion throughout the teenage years.
HAVE A CLEAR MESSAGE
It’s important to explain that not all kids try drugs and alcohol and using these substances is not a rite of passage. Even using alcohol or drugs once or twice can cause health problems, lead to trouble with school or the law, and create problems with friends and family. Even if you used drugs or alcohol as a teenager, it’s okay to talk to your kids about not using. In fact, if you had any negative experiences or consequences because of your use, you may want to tell your kids about it.
EXPLAIN THE CONSEQUENCES OF DRUG AND ALCOHOL USE
It’s essential that parents be parents to their children, and not try to be their friends. Teens will hear many messages about drugs and alcohol that are unclear and mixed. A parent who wants to be the “cool” parent may be communicating that drugs aren’t dangerous or risky. Without being too rigid or judgmental, let your children know that there are consequences for using drugs and alcohol, and that their healthy development can be affected.
USE TEACHABLE MOMENTS
Talk regularly to your child about drugs and use every opportunity you can. For example, if there’s a story in the news about drugs or a related topic like depression, use that as a reason to have a discussion. Also, it’s vital to understand that frequent, regular conversations are needed to get the message across — once is not enough.
Listening is critical! Listening is the difference between a real conversation and a lecture — and kids hate lectures. Show your children that you value their thoughts and feelings. Get involved and stay involved as they develop and grow. Listen to their struggles and stresses. Also, make the conversation age appropriate — a conversation about drugs is very different with a 10-year-old than with a 16-year-old.
SET A GOOD EXAMPLE
Your kids watch what you do, even more than you may think. Set a good example with your own behavior and be conscious of your own substance use, even if it’s just having a glass of wine or a beer.
LOOK FOR SIGNS OF DRUG USE
Be aware of any indication that drug use is happening. These signs can include: + Any changes in personal appearance or behavior such as red or watery eyes, or changes to eating or sleeping habits. + Changes in mood, such as lack of motivation, depression or extreme hyperactivity, or other unexplained mood swings. + Missing possessions, lack of money. + Poor school attendance, increased need for discipline or changes in grades. + Possession of drug paraphernalia. + Secretiveness about possessions and personal space, increased isolation.
GET HELP AT THE FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE
Parents don’t always take substance use seriously at first, especially with alcohol and marijuana. They may think it’s just a phase, but then can be overwhelmed when casual use becomes a real problem. Don’t underestimate the risks of drug use. Seek out a professional and ask for help. Your child’s future may depend on it! When a teen’s substance use is treated early, it frequently leads to abstinence and can result in no further problems. This is even true when the use is mild or moderate. ■
About The Author: Matthew Quinn provides community relations for Rosecrance Health Network in the western suburbs of Chicago. He completed his Bachelor’s Degree in psychology at the University of Notre Dame and Master’s Degree in clinical psychology at the Illinois School of Professional Psychology. Matthew is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) and Certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor (CADC) in Illinois. He has been counseling adolescents and adults in individual, couples, and family counseling for the past 15 years.
