Faces in the Crowd

3. You open the locker and the bully slams shut the locker door again. Say,

“You’re not listening. I’m leaving.” Turn and walk away.

A BULLY WALKS UP AND TOUCHES YOUR HAIR. Turn your body to squarely face the bully and look them in the eye.

1. Say, “Please stop touching my hair.” 2. Bully continues to touch your hair. Say, “Stop touching my hair.” (If the bully has not stopped touching your hair, grab the wrist of the hand they are using and remove their hand from your hair.) 3. Bully continues to touch your hair. Grab the wrist of the hand they are using and remove their hand from your hair. Say, “You’re not listening. I’m leaving.” Turn and walk away.

A BULLY WALKS UP TO YOU AND SAYS, “HEY, CRY BABY.” Turn your body to squarely face the bully and look them in the eye.

1. Say, “Please don’t call me a cry baby.” 2. The bully calls you “cry baby” again. Say, “Stop calling me a cry baby.” 3. The bully again calls you “cry baby” again. Say, “You’re not listening.

I’m leaving.” Turn and walk away.

DO YOU SEE A PATTERN IN THE ABOVE EXAMPLES?

Why do you turn your body to squarely face a bully and look them in the eye? It shows that you are strong. Why do you not laugh? It shows that you are serious. Why would you turn and walk away (if needed)? It shows the bully that you are confident and decisive and that you will not put up with their crap. What if the bully then physically attacks your child? We will get to that near the bottom of this article. What if it doesn’t work? That’s okay. Give your child a hug, see if they know why it didn’t work and ask them what they would like to practice to prepare for future encounters.

TIPS FOR THE GAME:

• Don’t worry about following the steps perfectly. • In real life, you only move on to the next step if the bully persists with negative behavior. • Squarely facing a bully means turning your whole body and making your shoulders parallel to the shoulders of the bully. You do not want to move to a new location. You just need to pivot your feet in your current location to face them and look them in the eye. • Help your child practice speaking clearly and loudly so that their voice projects around you both (projecting their voice may bring them some help). • Take turns being the bully but let your child play the bully first. • Take notes – especially when your kid shows you how hard it is. • Prepare for your child to come back to you at some point and say, “it doesn’t work” and be ready to practice some alternative solutions through role play. • Use the game to determine if it is appropriate for you to take direct action right now with the facility/school where the bullying is occurring or with the bully’s parents (for example if the bullying is extreme or pervasive).

The idea behind the above game is that you play it or practice it with your child over and over again until they feel confident doing it. You and your child alternate playing the bully role or playing them. Try roleplaying in different situations that they have witnessed or experienced. Let them play the bully the first few times until they are ready for you to play the bully. Why? Your child needs you to experience what they are going through, and it will be less threatening for your child to play the bully first. This can also give your child a chance to feel what it is like for a bully to be denied.

IF MY CHILD HAS TO TURN AND WALK AWAY, WHERE SHOULD THEY GO?

The bully game can give you an opportunity to learn more about your child and talk about what comes after step 3. For example, you could say to your child, “Okay. So, you got to step 3. Where are you going to go?” You can talk about the pros and cons of where they plan to go. They may want some privacy if they feel tearful after the episode, but going somewhere alone is not a good choice. A school library at a table near school staff, a classroom full of other students, a trusted teacher-advisor or the school office are reasonable choices. Going into a bathroom or empty stairwell would not be safe choices.

NOT JUST FOR BULLIES

Hopefully, you and your child found it fun taking turns being the bully and being themselves in the 3-step bully game. Once you and your child have switched roles a few times and they feel comfortable, then you can expand the game to role-play other situations they are dealing with. If they are having difficulty with a teacher or someone else in their lives, they can try out a dialogue with you. If the dialogue turns abusive, then they can whip out the 3-step bully strategy. Again, it usually works best if your child starts out as the other person and you first play the role of your child. Remember, try not to be awesome at the game. Role play is fun for parents if you are willing to be bad at it.

WHEN IT’S OKAY TO FIGHT BACK

Let your child know when it is okay to fight back physically. If your child is being assaulted, give them your permission to physically fight back. You should also let them know when to back off in a fight, such as when the bully has stopped attacking them or has become disabled.

Review with your child what usually happens when there is a fight at school. Even if they were acting in self-defense, they likely will be punished along with the bully. Let them know that you will have a serious expression and nod your head to the vice principal of the school as you, the parent, ask for details about the details of the fight and why it is school policy that your child is about to be punished at their school for physically defending themselves when there was no adult staff member present to supervise the children and protect your kid.

Let your child know that after the meeting with the vice-principal (when you have some privacy), you will let them know how proud you are that they did their best to protect themselves when a bully was trying to physically hurt them. I’m not kidding when I tell you that if it were my child, and they did their best to stop a bully, I probably would take them out for ice cream.

THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO SHINE AS A PARENT

When you are willing to take the time and let down your guard in front of your child as you play the above game, they will appreciate you. You aren’t just telling them that you love them and care about their life, you are showing them. You are communicating to them that you are willing to learn with and from them. You are helping them learn life skills. Won’t it feel good to teach your child to be strong, confident and decisive when facing a bully, rather than being a victim? Imagine your child feeling more comfortable dealing with issues on their own, knowing when to get an adult involved and knowing when they need to fight back to defend themselves. It is an opportunity for you to get closer to your child, learn more about their lives and determine when it is appropriate for you to intervene. ■