» The Surprising Results of Exercise for Depression
» The Key to Coping Skills
» What to Do if You Suspect Your Child is Using Drugs
» Technology: The Good the Bad, and the Ugly
Childhood is as unpredictable as Montana's winters. So when fun and games turn into sniffles and sprains, Benefis Helena Northeast is ready to help. We offer comprehensive urgent care services including lab and X-ray seven days a week. We'll get you on your way so you can get back to more important things - like the annual family snowball fight.
We're here to make your best life possible at every age.
Schedule online at Benefis.org/HelenaNortheast.
Samantha Bartow is an 8th grader at East Valley Middle School and loves learning! She’s an exceptional student with a 4.0 GPA who takes challenging courses like high school Algebra2 and TechEd while helping create the school yearbook. She shares her passion for math, technology, and science with Main Sequence Robotics Team Nano, that placed 2nd in the State during last year’s first Lego League competition. She aspires to be an engineer and lead a mission to Mars. Beyond academics, Samantha is an accomplished performer with the Tiernan Irish Dancers. For eight years, she has skated with the Helena Figure Skating Club and adores mentoring Learn-to-Skate members. Samantha loves playing violin and piano, and singing with the EVMS Honor Choir. In her free time, she enjoys reading, sketching, crafting, baking, riding her horse, doing anything outdoors, and spending time with friends and family.
ON THE COVER ABOUT YOUTH CONNECTIONS
Youth Connections is a coalition of over 1100 community members representing parents, educators, churches, youthserving organizations, businesses, and more who want to make Helena a healthy and supportive place for kids and families. Youth Connections recognizes the need to reduce negative behaviors including substance use and violence while also working to increase positive opportunities and mental wellness for all our local kids.
So how do we do that? We know there is no silver bullet to making communities great, and so we do LOTS of things that we know make communities better. We support agencies and businesses who offer youth activities because we know kids who are involved in positive activities aren’t involved in negative ones. We support student mentoring relationships because research shows it helps kids stay in school and be successful. We also know that when kids know better, they do better, so we support classroom education in the areas of bullying prevention and substance use prevention. Youth Connections also understands we must support the adults in kids’ lives and therefore we provide training, education, networks, and collaborative opportunities for parents and professionals to connect with others who care about kids.
Youth Connections is well known for its quarterly publication, YC Magazine, a resource for parents and the entire community. These are just some of the projects we’re working on to serve our mission of engaging our community to create environments where youth thrive and succeed. For a comprehensive list of activities, services, and ways you can get involved, please visit our website at www.youthconnectionscoalition.org.
e often hear from teachers that December is the hardest month for students. The daylight hours are shorter, holidays can increase anxiety, and while we think all kids love having a break from school, not all are excited about it.
The magazine committee was very mindful about addressing some of these issues to hopefully give parents some tools to address the concerns that may arise over the upcoming months. We are grateful to be able to publish articles by Dr. Len Lantz. The feature article has something for every age group. Whether it’s the parents dealing with depression themselves or trying to find tools that will work for their struggling child, exercise seems to be the answer.
In addition to that article, we wanted to give more ideas for the toolbox, so an Intro to Coping Skills seemed like just the ticket. Kelly shares several ideas on how to identify the feeling causing angst and tips to cope with it. Again, great information for kids and adults.
We know that with kids home alone during the winter breaks it can initiate and increase substance use. Our friends at Natural High offer seven steps to take if a parent suspects a child is using. It can throw us in a tailspin, so having concrete measures can help when if feels like we can’t think straight.
Setting expectations up front can help alleviate dealing with poor choices by kids on the back end. With recent surveys indicating youth are using marijuana more often and feeling like it’s not a risky substance, we felt it was important to address marijuana use and driving. The article talks about setting the expectation that kids do not drive or ride with those after having used marijuana. Impairment can last many hours.
Lastly, we wanted to share some suggestion to keep mealtime fun. Please let us know if you try them or if you have other suggestions that your family enjoyed.
We at YC hope your holidays are fun, relaxing, safe, and as stress-free as possible.
CAN’T GET ENOUGH GREAT RESOURCES? FOLLOW US:
Facebook (for parents): Youth Connections
Facebook (for kids): Find Your Spot
Instagram: @Youthconx
X: @Youthconx
COLEEN SMITH
CONFESSIONS FROM THE KITCHEN TABLE
Why Don’t You Have Hair?
Like most preschool-age children, mine were extremely curious. They would reach for sharp objects, wander off in the corn maze, or immediately pop choking hazards in their mouth. Even when they were safely strapped into their car seat, unable to dash out of sight or grab whatever shiny thing caught their attention, they would be hounding me with questions. Their questions were sometimes simple (“Mommy, do you like strawberries?”), sometimes insightful (“Mommy, do all people believe in God?”), and sometimes heartbreaking (“Mommy, why do people die?”). However, I found the most challenging questions were the embarrassing ones. You know, questions asking about people’s differences (“Mom, why is that lady’s butt so big?”)
On these occasions, I found myself wanting to melt into the playground pavement. As a newer mother, I handled these instances poorly. I would hush my child and quickly hustle them away to somewhere else—anywhere else. I was ashamed that my child was voicing things we “just don’t talk about.” I was embarrassed I didn’t have the answers. I felt bad for the people my child was pointing out.
As these embarrassing questions continued to be voiced by my preschooler – always at the most awkward time and at full volume, I began to think more deeply about what my child was really asking and why they were asking it. These embarrassing questions were sincere and asked without malice, and I realized they were simply making observations and seeking information. Their questions were not judgments, just curiosity about the observed differences. It was just their way of integrating new information into their lived experience.
So, when my child squeezed my hand and asked, “Why doesn’t that person have hair?” The hidden script was: “The people I have met in my life all have hair; this person doesn’t.” They were not saying hair was good or bad; they were just observing a difference. They were seeking knowledge and understanding. I was the one adding judgment to the situation. I was the one assigning value to the hair on my head and the lack of hair on the other person’s.
By rushing my child away or shushing them to be quiet, I was sending several unintended messages. I was communicating with my child that there are things we shouldn’t talk about, differences
are taboo, and their thirst for understanding or knowledge is unimportant or even shameful.
I also was unintentionally telling my hairless neighbor, “You are different; your difference is uncomfortable and unspeakable, and I need to get my kid away from you.” Ugh!
This behavior was sending all the wrong messages to my child and to the people we interacted with in our community. We needed a change.
I got brave and began asking friends and even trusted acquaintances how to respond in these embarrassing and awkward situations.
My village did not disappoint. Their advice was simple and straightforward. Acknowledge your child’s question, be honest, and keep it simple. Don’t be afraid to say “Hello” or ask questions. Acknowledging and learning about differences creates understanding and acceptance. The bottom line is that everyone wants to be seen, understood, and respected as an individual.
From then on, when my kid asked those once cringe-worthy questions, I knew how to respond respectfully and responsibly. When my child asked, “Why is that boy in a wheelchair?” I would say, “Because it helps him move,” or “Let’s say hello and ask him.”
Some of my other go-to responses included:
• “Good observation.”
• “It’s ok to be different.”
• “All bodies are different/All bodies are beautiful.”
• “Not everyone’s brain works the same.”
• “I am glad that person has the help they need.”
• “Those tools help them live their best life.”
• “Would you like to say ‘hello’?”
• “Let’s ask them ‘why?’”
In this way, my child and I learned together and celebrated all the different people in our community. We met new people and made new friends. As my kid grew up, he was less apprehensive and more empowered to interact with everyone, regardless of their differences or abilities. And isn’t that what we want for our children and our communities? ■
YOU CAN SUBMIT YOUR STORY AT: coleen@youthconnectionscoalition.org
For many of us the kitchen table represents the typical family experience. We have laughed while having family game night. We have cried over our children’s choices. We have blown out the candles on many cakes. We have argued our way out of doing the dishes. We have struggled through those “three more bites.” We have learned hard lessons and celebrated many deserved successes. One thing is for sure though—if our kitchen tables could talk, there would be plenty of stories! So often it is in relating to others’ stories that we realize there isn’t always one answer, or even a right answer. Parenting is hard work! If you have a story of lessons learned, we invite you to share it with our readers. Sometimes, knowing we aren’t the only ones struggling to find the answer is all the help we need.
EXERCISE RESULTS the surprising for depression
HOW CAN I EXERCISE IF I’M ALREADY DEPRESSED AND TIRED?
When you are depressed, you often feel stuck. People with major depression frequently don’t exercise because their energy and motivation already are low. Just brushing your teeth can feel like a major chore. However, there is hope. Most people do not understand how much they can benefit from a small amount of exercise. If your idea of exercise is going to a gym, jogging down the road, picking up a new sport or restarting an old one, then it is no surprise that exercise seems daunting. It’s not your fault. For most of us, exercise has been defined by advertising. Think of all the gym advertisements, infomercials and images you’ve seen on social media, and you will be demoralized in a heartbeat.
EXERCISE CAN BE SIMPLE
It can be incredibly easy to enjoy the physical and mental health benefits of exercise. Federal guidelines for exercise show how straightforward exercise can be. Walking, dancing, playing and running all count. Moderate-intensity exercise means anything that gets your heart beating faster, and musclestrengthening activity means that you are making your muscles “work harder than usual.” That’s it! Exercise need not be demanding. It does not require a tennis racket, mountain bike or gym membership. Here are the federally recommended amounts of exercise:
Preschool children (age 3-5): These children are to be “physically active throughout the day.”
Children and Adolescents (age 6-17): “60 minutes (1 hour) or more of moderate-tovigorous physical activity daily” that includes:
• Aerobic: 3 days per week
• Muscle and bone strengthening: 3 days per week
EXERCISE OF depression
Len Lantz, M.D.
Adults: 2.5-5 hours of moderate-intensity or 1.25-2.5 hours of vigorous-intensity aerobic physical activity per week
• Muscle strengthening: two days per week
• Additional health benefits are seen with more than five hours per week of moderate intensity.
Older adults: As part of their weekly physical activity, older adults should do multicomponent physical activity that includes balance training as well as aerobic and muscle-strengthening activities.
THE RESEARCHERS WHO PROVED THAT EXERCISE HELPS DEPRESSION
There are dozens of research studies showing that exercise exerts a positive effect on major depression, however, the medical community has been slow to embrace exercise as a treatment for depression. One of the
major battles to prove that exercise treats depression was fought and won by lead researcher James A. Blumenthal, Ph.D., at Duke University School of Medicine and his colleagues, many of whom are distinguished researchers at other top universities.
In 1999, the research study, “Effects of exercise training on older patients with major depression,” was published in the Archives of Internal Medicine. The results showed that 16 weeks of exercise produced similar benefit as the antidepressant Zoloft for people with major depression ranging from mild to severe intensity. The people in the exercise arm of the study just needed to walk or jog 3 times per week for 45 minutes for 16 weeks. The study showed that people reached remission (i.e., fully free of depression) 60% of the time in the exercise group, 65.5% of the time in the Zoloft group and 69% percent of the time in the combined group (medication and exercise).
Most of the researchers continued the study for 6 months and they had another amazing finding. If patients from the 1999 study continued to exercise for another 6 months, they were half as likely to relapse back into depression. The benefits of exercise stop when you stop exercising.
Exercise was shown to help depression and the entire field of medicine erupted in celebration, right? Wrong.
These incredible researchers were met with skepticism and denial. The larger medical community could not believe the enormity of their results. Essentially, the medical community said, “Exercise is as good as Zoloft? No way!” They raised objections about how accurate the diagnoses of depression were, how the study was not blinded and that there was no placebo arm in the study.
So, the same lead researcher and his esteemed colleagues put together the more rigorous SMILE study which was published in 2007. The average patient had moderately severe Major Depressive Disorder The exercise was the same (walking or jogging 3 times per week for 45 minutes for 16 weeks) and they compared the exercise group to Zoloft and placebo (sugar pill) groups. The researchers found that the “unadjusted remission rates were: supervised exercise = 45%; home-based exercise = 40%; medication = 47%; and placebo = 31%.”
Did you catch that? The effects of exercise were similar to that of Zoloft. Both exercise and Zoloft beat the placebo. Exercise clearly helps major depression!
A one-year continuation study showed that continuing the treatment for another year resulted in 67% remission in the exercise groups and 63% remission in the Zoloft group. The longer you exercise, the greater the benefit.
WHY DON’T WE EXERCISE?
Our brain tells us a number of lies to trick us into not exercising. It tells us about a problem we have and then convinces us that if we exercise, the problem will worsen. Our sneaky brain might tell us:
• You are tired enough already
• You already have aches and pains
• You need to rest
• Exercise will make you feel worse
• You will have even less energy after you exercise
• The weather is bad
• You can exercise later
• You exercised yesterday
Here is the reality: most people feel better mid-exercise or postexercise than they do before they started exercising. Try it out for yourself. Assess your energy level pre- and post-exercise. The vast majority of people feel better with exercise. For the small percentage of people who feel mid- and post-exercise worse, here is the cure: back off the intensity of your workout until you feel at least as good as when you started, and then exercise will feel better to you over time as you begin to build your endurance.
A PATIENT STORY ON EXERCISE
“John” was horribly depressed. He was on leave from work because his depression was so severe. He just couldn’t function. He was on an antidepressant and that helped some, but the reality was that he wished he could just sleep for a few weeks, wake up, and find that his depression was gone. Both his therapist and his psychiatrist told him that this was not how it worked. They encouraged him to move his body and fill his day with meaningful activities.
Exercise seemed absolutely impossible to John in his depressed state. When his doctor and therapist encouraged him to exercise, all he could think about was an infomercial and a ripped dude on the machine. John told himself that he would never be able to afford the machine or look like the guy in the ad.
He finally broke down in therapy after his therapist, Joelle, recommended – for the thousandth time – that he start exercising. “I can’t do it!”, John yelled, “I’m too freaking tired and I don’t want to join a gym!” Joelle was stunned but then started smiling. “She said, “Thank you for bringing this up to me. I’m sorry I didn’t explain what I meant by exercise. I just wanted you to walk a few laps around the town square. That’s it. You don’t have to pump iron and look like Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Let’s talk about realistic exercise that will actually charge up your batteries.”
John and Joelle came up with a plan that he liked. He would wake up by 7 am, take 3 laps around the town square (he would take 4 laps if he was feeling really good after the 3rd) and then he would take care of his hygiene and eat a healthy breakfast. John felt better and better each week. He continued to meet with his psychiatrist and take his antidepressant. Within a few months, he started to notice that his depression was going away, and he was starting to enjoy life again.
HOW TO START EXERCISING TODAY
It is easy to start exercising today. Pick an activity that increases your heart rate and do that regularly each week until you are exercising for at least 2 1/2 hours per week. Here is a reasonable strategy:
• Check with your doctor first if you have a health condition
• Start slow and build your stamina (you don’t need to overdo it)
+ Start walking every morning before breakfast
+ After lunch go for a brief walk
+ Avoid exercising near bedtime, as this can disrupt your sleep and digestion
• Buy a Fitbit or keep a paper Exercise Log
+ Keep track of your energy and how you feel pre- and post-exercise
+ Monitor your mood
+ Record the days and amount of time you exercised
+ List the type of exercise
• Write down your plan for bad weather days
• List your top excuses for not exercising and your replies to your tricky brain
IMAGINE LIVING LIFE WITH A BETTER MOOD, A HEALTHIER BODY AND MORE ENERGY
If you are willing to make changes in your life to increase your exercise, you are likely to become less depressed. Even if you do not have depression, exercise is good for your emotional well-being and physical health. Think about how satisfying it would feel at the end of the day to know that your exercise has helped your body and your brain. Taking care of yourself through regular, moderate exercise is a proven strategy for helping your depression and enhancing your mental and physical health. You can do it today and you can do it for free! ■
Check out who’s standing out in our
community.
IS THERE SOMEONE YOU’D LIKE TO NOMINATE?
Please email coleen@youthconnectionscoalition.org and tell us why this individual has stood out in your crowd.
Blake Satre WARREN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, 4TH GRADE
Blake Satre has been doing karate since he was five. Now a red belt, Blake was on the verge of challenging for his red belt when he broke his arm. Despite this setback, Blake’s determination shines through as he continues to practice karate, even with a cast. He hasn’t let the injury get him down and has spent his summer hanging out with friends on Fortnite or in the pool with his brother. Blake is also a great help to his grandmother, who lives next door. His resilience and commitment to both his family and his interests are truly inspiring.
Camille Patterson C. R. ANDERSON MIDDLE SCHOOL, 8TH GRADE
Camille Patterson is an 8th grader at C.R. Anderson. She’s been volunteering as a unified athlete for the Special Olympics Organization since she was eight years old. As a unified athlete, she mentors and builds the athletes’ basketball and teamwork skills. She mentors these Special Olympians off the court as well by organizing and engaging in outside activities with them at recess. Other students have followed Camille’s lead and are now engaging and playing with these athletes at recess. Her efforts have helped foster a community of acceptance and tolerance at C.R. Anderson.
Jaxan Lieberg HELENA HIGH SCHOOL, SENIOR
Jaxan Lieberg, a senior at Helena High School, is a remarkable individual who is able to leave a positive impression on those he meets. Jaxan works to ensure those around him are included and feel accepted within the school. Along with a high level of his own success in athletic competitions, Jaxan is also a great teammate who works to make those around him better each day. His hard work academically is equally commendable, balancing the need to stay current on his coursework and strive for greatness in the classroom. Whether in the classroom or on the field, we are lucky to have a quality well-rounded person like Jaxan making a positive impact on our school and community.
Cindy Galbavy HELENA HIGH SCHOOL, TEACHER
Cindy is one of the welding teachers at Helena High School. Growing up on a ranch north of Butte, she tries to teach a hard work ethic to her students. She has been a Welding teacher for 21 years at HHS and three years at Stevensville, Montana. Cindy works hard to help her student to earn dual credits from Helena College and MSU-Northern. Her students can also earn their AWS D1.1 certification and earn their OSHA 10 card. She has guest speakers in her class every Monday to help her students to figure out a career path, apprenticeship, trade school, military or college that will help fulfill their dreams. Cindy is a proud mom and wife. She is also the advisor for AWS club.
Moose Junction
Moose Junction is a huge community supporter in the North Valley. They are eager to support the students and staff of Jim Darcy Elementary. Their generosity has been felt through their discounts on pizza and beverages which have brought excitement to both the students and families. As a parent of two Jim Darcy students, I’ve seen firsthand how much their contributions enhance our school events and foster a sense of community. We are grateful for their ongoing support of our kids! Thanks Moose Junction for your continued support of kids, teachers, and families.
ASSETS
40 Developmental Assets are essential qualities of life that help young people thrive, do well in school, and avoid risky behavior.
Youth Connections utilizes the 40 Developmental Assets Framework to guide the work we do in promoting positive youth development. The 40 Assets model was developed by the Minneapolis-based Search Institute based on extensive research. Just as we are coached to diversify our financial assets so that all our eggs are not in one basket, the strength that the 40 Assets model can build in our youth comes through diversity. In a nutshell, the more of the 40 Assets youth possess, the more likely they are to exhibit positive behaviors and attitudes (such as good health and school success) and the less likely they are to exhibit risky behaviors (such as drug use and promiscuity). It’s that simple: if we want to empower and protect our children, building the 40 Assets in our youth is a great way to start.
Look over the list of Assets on the following page and think about what Assets may be lacking in our community and what Assets you can help build in our young people. Do what you can do with the knowledge that even through helping build one asset in one child, you are increasing the chances that child will grow up safe and successful. Through our combined efforts, we will continue to be a place where Great Kids Make Great Communities.
assets in action 40 DEVELOPMENTAL ASSETS
SUPPORT
1. Family support: Family life provides high levels of love and support.
2. Positive family communication: Young person and her or his parent(s) communicate positively, and young person is willing to seek advice and counsel from parent(s).
3. Other adult relationships: Young person receives support from three or more nonparent adults.
4. Caring neighborhood: Young person experiences caring neighbors.
5. Caring school climate: School provides a caring, encouraging environment.
6. Parent involvement in school: Parent(s) are actively involved in helping young person succeed in school.
EMPOWERMENT
7. Community values youth: Young person perceives that adults in the community value youth.
8. Youth as resources: Young people are given useful roles in the community.
9. Service to others: Young person serves in the community one hour or more per week.
10. Safety: Young person feels safe at home, at school, and in the neighborhood.
BOUNDARIES & EXPECTATIONS
11. Family boundaries: Family has clear rules and consequences and monitors the young person’s whereabouts.
12. School boundaries: School provides clear rules and consequences.
13. Neighborhood boundaries: Neighbors take responsibility for monitoring young people’s behavior.
14. Adult role models: Parent(s) and other adults model positive, responsible behavior.
15. Positive peer influence: Young person’s best friends model responsible behavior.
16. High expectations: Both parent(s) and teachers encourage the young person to do well.
CONSTRUCTIVE USE OF TIME
17. Creative activities: Young person spends three or more hours per week in lessons or practice in music, theater, or other arts.
18. Youth programs: Young person spends three or more hours per week in sports, clubs, or organizations at school and/or in the community.
19. Religious community: Young person spends one or more hours per week in activities in a religious institution.
20. Time at home: Young person is out with friends “with nothing special to do” two or fewer nights per week.
4-H members decorating windows
Queen City Football supported by their coaches
Queen City Ballet looking sharp
Friends learning about fire safety
If you or your child would like to submit a picture that represents one of the 40 Developmental Assets, please email coleen@youthconnectionscoalition.org with a picture and the number of the asset the picture represents.
COMMITMENT TO LEARNING
21. Achievement motivation: Young person is motivated to do well in school.
22. School engagement: Young person is actively engaged in learning.
23. Homework: Young person reports doing at least one hour of homework every school day.
24. Bonding to school: Young person cares about her or his school.
25. Reading for pleasure: Young person reads for pleasure three or more hours per week.
POSITIVE VALUES
26. Caring: Young person places high value on helping other people.
27. Equality and social justice: Young person places high value on promoting equality and reducing hunger and poverty.
28. Integrity: Young person acts on convictions and stands up for her or his beliefs.
29. Honesty: Young person “tells the truth even when it is not easy.”
30. Responsibility: Young person accepts and takes personal responsibility.
31. Restraint: Young person believes it is important not to be sexually active or to use alcohol or other drugs.
SOCIAL COMPETENCIES
32. Planning and decision making: Young person knows how to plan ahead and make choices.
33. Interpersonal competence: Young person has empathy, sensitivity, and friendship skills.
34. Cultural competence: Young person has knowledge of and comfort with people of different cultural/racial/ethnic backgrounds.
35. Resistance skills: Young person can resist negative peer pressure and dangerous situations.
36. Peaceful conflict resolution: Young person seeks to resolve conflict nonviolently.
POSITIVE IDENTITY
37. Personal power: Young person feels he or she has control over “things that happen to me.”
38. Self-esteem: Young person reports having a high self-esteem.
39. Sense of purpose: Young person reports that “my life has a purpose.”
40. Positive view of personal future: Young person is optimistic about her or his personal future.
HMS students enjoying reading in the library
EHHS Football players helping clean up
CHS student receives perfect score on ACT
COPING SKILLS the key to
By KELLY ACKERMAN, LCPC
As a therapist, I am often approached by clients or parents who identify coping skills as their primary goal for counseling. This makes sense and is very practical. The term coping skills has become a popular “buzz” word in our culture, thus understanding and building a coping skills toolbox is helpful to most people. However, it is important to understand the definition of a coping skill, the purpose of using these tools, the goal of the tools, and an increased self-awareness to know what tools will work best.
A coping skill is a strategy used to maintain emotional and behavioral control within a given moment, and when used effectively allows us to experience a full range of emotion without damaging relationships with others or ourselves. This requires self-awareness as emotions begin to rise, often first being noticed in the body. What happens when we get nervous, embarrassed, angry, jealous, or sad? Some people experience heat rising to their face during anger, butterflies in their stomach when they are nervous, heaviness in their chest when they are jealous, or a strong desire to run when they are embarrassed. These emotions manifest differently for everyone and only we can become the expert. Tuning in to our body gives us an advantage to knowing what we’re feeling and allows us to access our coping skills to effectively manage these feelings in the moment. Therefore, becoming curious about oneself is one of the first steps in using coping skills effectively.
As we gain awareness about the first indications that emotions are becoming “big,” we can use short-term coping skills to keep our prefrontal cortex (i.e. the logical, thinking brain) to remain engaged rather than allowing the big feelings to access the impulsive responses that often result in getting in trouble, causing stress within relationships, or acting out in socially unacceptable ways and eventually leaving one with feelings of guilt, shame and beliefs of worthlessness. As we identify that hot sensation in our face, we can take some deep breaths, count to 10, get a drink of water, or go for a short walk. This allows space to exist between the event that
What happens when we get nervous, embarrassed, angry, jealous, or sad? Some people experience heat rising to their face during anger, butterflies in their stomach when they are nervous, heaviness in their chest when they are jealous, or a strong desire to run when they are embarrassed. These emotions manifest differently for everyone and only we can become the expert.
triggered the feeling, giving us time to problem solve and make a decision about how to handle a difficult situation that will be right for us and others who may be involved. The good news is, it’s likely these coping skills have been engaged to help us in this process. If we have ever walked away, taken a drive, gone for a jog, or snuggled a pet, we have engaged in a coping skill. It is not difficult to find lists of coping skills on the internet ranging from blowing bubbles to meditation. The next step is evaluating what works for us individually and whether we are using active coping skills or avoidant coping skills.
Active coping skills are those tools used to get an emotion under control. When we use active coping skills effectively, it is important to return to the stressor and make decisions about the next step such as how to problem solve, talk about the emotional experience, or use a journal to express our feelings and thoughts. Too often, people can use coping skills and end up avoiding the pattern of emotional experiences they are having which eventually results in
“blowing up” or acting in ways that are out of proportion to the situation.
Additionally, people regularly use avoidant coping skills that allow suppression of the emotional experience because it is so uncomfortable. Avoidant coping skills include alcohol and substance use, tuning out through use of tv, games, or even books, withdrawal and isolation, or risky behaviors such as fast driving or engaging in thoughtless sex. These coping mechanisms not only help avoid the challenging emotions but often give a temporary positive experience which is why they are so effective. However, they further result in damage to relationships, both with others and ourselves, leaving the challenge even bigger than it was originally.
Finally, attending to basic self-care needs on a daily basis is also an essential skill. So often self-care is considered culturally as “pampering” ourselves with a facial, massage or a night out with our buddies. While these types of self-care have their benefit, their effect is short-lived. Practicing self-care basics is the daily act of loving ourselves. When we love ourselves, we begin to have enough self-worth to use active coping skills to grow, mature and enhance our relationships with others. Basic self-care includes the daily activities of adequate sleep, personal hygiene, hydration, proper nutrition, exercise, and a spiritual or mindfulness practice in which our brains can rest. When these basic selfcare needs are our primary coping skills, accessing short-term coping skills is much easier. For this reason, I challenge everyone to keep a basic self-care daily report card, and to make a list of adaptive and active coping skills (as soon as you are done reading this article).
Note: It is important to recognize when coping skills are not working for us, when we are not meeting our basic self-care needs, when we do not have safe relationships in which to share our thoughts and feelings, or when avoidant coping is our primary experience. It may be time to activate enough strength and courage to reach out for help to a licensed counselor. That is using an active coping skill ■
TECHNOLOGY: the good, the bad, and the ugly
By MELISSA WILSON, LCSW, Intermountain
Phones – what would we do without them? How often do you reach for your device? Mine is sitting right beside me on my desk, like a digital companion. But is it a helpful friend or a demanding foe? This gadget can whip up a digital tug-of-war for our time and shrinking attention.
THE GOOD…TECH’S HELPING HAND
Remember landlines? After school, I’d call mom to report I was home. Nowadays, parents can know their kids’ whereabouts without a “check in” phone call. Your child got lost on their bike? No problem! Thanks to trackers or a smartwatch, we can find them. We can monitor what they’re watching and who they’re talking to thanks to monitoring apps, allowing us to breathe a little easier.
Technology has made communication fast and easy. If daycare needs to send a message to all parents, they simply send a notification through the app, and voila! No one wants to miss a message about a cancelled team practice and be alone on an empty field wondering where everyone went! These are all crucial time-savers, making our lives efficient.
While there are ways that technology has improved our lives by making us feel more connected and informed, for every benefit of all this digital content, there is also a downside.
THE BAD…TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING
Let’s be honest, all this communication is noisy. You’ve probably heard research about the ways screen time affects our kids’ developing brains, but what about its impact on us? How is all this constant, instant communication affecting our mental health and our ability to be present with our families?
There’s a game tomorrow, practice Thursday, overlapping games Saturday, several ongoing texts between work, friends, and teachers and treats needed next week- the list goes on. We’re drowning
in information, just trying to be on time with everything we need. Despite all the planning, we often feel disconnected, running on autopilot. Our mental reserves are drained, leaving little room to connect emotionally, fueling parent guilt and burnout.
The parent guilt is overwhelming. With the constant influx of information and expectations, it’s easy to question ourselves and wonder if we’re failing as parents-especially when we fall short. But is it failure, or is it simply the demands of our tech-driven world pushing us to our limits? A 2020 Pew Research Center survey found that 52% believe that parenting is harder today than it was 20 years ago, citing technology as a cause. I can relate! It’s harder than ever to be fully present and calmly attentive to the most important relationships we will ever have: our families.
THE UGLY… THE COST
Staying on top of digital communication means a lot of screen time. To keep up, I’m constantly on my phone. But at what cost? My kids see a distracted mom, glued to the screen. They need deep connections, but devices steal our time.
The same study reported that 68% of parents felt that smartphones distract them during interactions with their children. This statistic highlights a sobering truth: the convenience of instant communication comes at a cost–it distracts us from what’s right in front of us.
Ultimately, what matters most is that we pour ourselves into the little humans in front of us. They need us to truly be present, to connect, to delight in them. The priceless moments of undivided attention are becoming increasingly rare, and these are the moments that kids crave to thrive, feel safe, and be connected to us. Today it takes a steel resolve to plan and protect these moments within our families.
The ugly truth is that while technology promises to simplify our lives, it also can complicate it and change our family
dynamics while eroding our ability to be present in the moment.
BALANCING THE SCALES
So how do we balance the good and the bad of technology, while salvaging our mental health and relationships with our children?
In the film Screenagers: Elementary School Age Edition, Dr. Ruston suggests while using your cell phone explaining aloud whether you’re using your phone as a ‘Tool,’ ‘Treat,’ or for ‘Talk,’ helping kids understand what you are doing in the moment. Dr. Ruston has many resources and helpful ideas on her website www.screenagersmovie.com. Here are some more helpful tips to try:
Streamline Communication: use a single-family calendar app and hold regular family meetings for planning.
Create Tech-Free Spaces and Times: engage in tech-free activities (without calling them tech free, of course) like a weekly crafting Sunday afternoon, or a family read aloud or a new activity like Geocaching. Establish device-free zones in the home and plan the same for car rides.
Promote Digital Literacy: Set device check in times, set boundaries, and discuss tech’s pros and cons.
Prioritize Mental Health and Practice
Self-Care: Make time for your hobbies, nurture friendships, and seek professional help when needed- remember that taking care of yourself is crucial for being able to care for others.
“Every rose has it thorn,” and technology is no exception. While complex, we can manage technology’s impact on our lives by being mindful and reflecting on how it affects us, our family and our relationships with others. After all, we’re shaping the next generation, their relationship with one another and with technology. Tech is here to stay, but our kids won’t be little forever. ■
How can I make mealtime fun to keep kids wanting to have family dinners?
Family dinners are so important, but they can be a challenge as families get busier. Research shows kids who eat with their families at least three times a week enjoy many physical, emotional, social and academic perks. It can also make weight control easier, so finding ways to keep family meals going is worth the effort. Here are some fun ideas:
• Make one night a week or month an international night. Take turns choosing a country and make a meal that might be enjoyed there. Branch out from tacos to authentic Mexican food like chalupas or empanadas. You can tie this in with what they may be learning in school. If they are taking French, whip up a batch of crepes. They can be filled with meat for dinner and chocolate for dessert.
• Look for other ways to identify countries. Perhaps there is a new exchange student from Brazil or a friends’ parent who serves in the military that just returned from the Middle East. What are common meals served there? If your child is into music, where is the composer from and what kinds of food are eaten there? Same with a sport. Research where it originated and what families there have for dinner.
• Meals can also include a theme from a book your child may be reading. Chocolate for dinner if they’re reading Willy Wonka? Probably not, but Veruca Salt had gum that was roast beef, gravy, and mashed potatoes. Just don’t forget the blueberry pie for dessert.
• Have a family night with a favorite movie and a meal from that. Elf? How about spaghetti (without the syrup and pop tarts)? Is your family a fan of Harry Potter? Google a recipe for butter beer that is non - alcoholic to serve with your meal.
• Some families choose to spend more time on being together than preparing the meal. Once a month serve popcorn, apples, and cheese for dinner on the living room floor around a board game.
• If all this seems like too much work, assign dinner for your child to make every so often. If they help make the meals they’re more likely to eat them as well. The important point is spending quality time together. Make sure mealtime is a tech-free zone.
60
The percentage of fat in a brain
1500
The number of flowers a bee hummingbird drinks from per day
3
The number of years a snail can sleep
27,000
The number of trees cut per day to make toilet paper
coleen@youthconnectionscoalition.org We
35
The tallest tower of cupcakes, in feet
100,000
The
YOUR CHILD IS DOING DRUGS what to do if you suspect
By NATURAL HIGH STAFF
Every good kid makes poor choices. It’s inevitable and the cause of much anxiety amongst parents. It’s how life and growing up work. Kids test their limits and (hopefully) learn from the consequences. Unfortunately, some good kids make worse, more harmful choices than others. That includes experimenting with substances and the results can be devastating.
That’s why it’s so important to be thoughtful about the behavior we model, the interactions we have, and the environment we create for them as they grow up.
We need to inspire and empower youth to find their natural high — before they try artificial ones.
Here are recommendations if you suspect your child is using.
1. PAUSE
If you’re suspicious that your kid is experimenting with a harmful substance, whether it’s vaping, drinking, or worse, the first thing you need to do is…take a lap. Seriously, call a friend, go to the gym, grab your journal, or walk around the neighborhood. The fear and anxiety you’re feeling will prevent you from thinking clearly, and communicating clearly, and will only contribute to making things worse. Although you have an urgent problem, staying calm and clear-headed is important. If you approach them with intensity, fear, anxiety, guilt, disappointment, or anger, the interaction won’t go well, and you’ll make a bad situation worse.
Nothing is more important than the health and well-being of your child, so it’s normal and natural to feel tremendous anxiety. But the more you allow big, hot feelings to be expressed towards them, the more likely they’ll feel unsafe around you.
2. MAKE A GAME PLAN
If you’re co-parenting, the next move is to get on the same page about your concerns and create an approach that you can agree on. Kids by nature will exploit your weaknesses, divide and conquer, and change the subject to avoid the attention in their direction. So, make sure you’re in charge, in agreement, and prepared to stay committed to the game plan.
Decide who will say what and what you
That’s why it’s so important to be thoughtful about the behavior we model, the interactions we have, and the environment we create for them as they grow up. We need to inspire and empower youth to find their natural high — before they try artificial ones.
will each do if the conversation gets heated. Permit yourselves to take a break or the other person to take over if it’s not going well. Make a clear plan for the consequences write them down, so you don’t forget.
3.
BUILD A CASE
It’s not a good idea to begin with unfounded accusations. The more specific you can be about your concerns and where they are coming from, the better. That way, you’re not arguing about feelings or fears; you’re discussing facts. Bring your evidence and present your case in the most neutral way possible.
4. PREPARE FOR THE WORST
Nobody likes being caught or accused. Defensiveness is normal (and healthy), even if you’re caught red-handed. So, expect pushback or worse. It’s not uncommon for kids to say mean, hurtful things, deflect, change the subject, or make accusations. What’s important is to stay calm, not letting yourself get caught up in the moment or respond to every comment. Decide to stay calm and stick to a plan where you take breaks if things get too heated or feel you’re tempted to respond in anger.
5. CREATE (OR REINFORCE) CLEAR EXPECTATIONS
Chances are that your family hasn’t created clear expectations for every scenario
regarding substance use. That’s okay — how could you imagine the current situation you find yourself in? Now is the time to clarify your expectations and fair consequences for their choices. Decide what your expectations and consequences will be going forward in light of these new circumstances. Write them down and keep them where everyone can see them. Don’t make the mistake of reviewing them once and assuming your kid commits or remembers them. Bring them up often, checking for understanding and their commitment.
6. SET UP CHECKS AND BALANCES
Now is the time to be more diligent, not more trusting. The health of your child is at stake. Let them know what you will be doing to check in on them. Drugfree.org has a helpful article about drug testing. Although your child might make big promises for their choices going forward, plead with you to trust them, or make you feel guilty for not giving them the independence they demand, remember that this is a crisis situation. They need oversight and support, not freedom. They can’t make healthy, wise choices for themselves yet, so you need to step in and help them for a while.
7.
COME BACK TO HOME BASE
Most importantly, bring your kid back to home base. Meaning carve out intentional time to spend together. Consider getting away for a few days (and leave the devices at home) if you can. Do family game nights or movie nights. Go to the park together. Get in the car and go visit close friends or relatives. Bring them back home, to their center where they belong.
Your kid made a mistake, and you probably feel like you did, too. This is a wake-up call and an opportunity to engage with them in a new way.
Most importantly, recommit to loving them through this difficult time and phase in their lives and to your relationship with them. Recognize if you’re in over your head and seek help from professionals who can give you both the guidance you need.
Circle the wagons and do whatever it takes to reestablish a strong bond, set clear boundaries and commitments to work it out together. ■
Snow? Snow? Snow? move,
MARIJUANA AND DRIVING: the problem and what parents can do
By STAFF
In 2017, 49% of drivers ages 14-18 who currently use marijuana engaged in driving after using marijuana, according to research published in the Journal of the American Medicine Association Network. Marijuana is an intoxicating drug that impairs driving. It alters perception, impairs judgement, slows reaction time, interferes with attention, and affects coordination.
The frontal lobe is the last part of the brain to develop, which is responsible for decision making, impulse control, reasoning, problem solving, attention, planning and judgement. This lobe is not fully developed until age 25-26. So, putting any substance on the developing brain, but one that particularly affects the skills needed to drive safely, is a recipe for disaster.
An additional concern is the length of time impairment lasts. It’s longer than one would think. Studies have repeatedly shown that impairment lasts long after a person no longer feels high. A study done in the 1980s when the hallucinogenic property, THC, was at
2% (now it can be up to 50 times more potent if it’s an extract or distillate) found impairment in pilots using a simulator lasted 24 hours. One missed the runway altogether. A recent study showed a reduction in the ability to pay attention to two tasks at once –important when driving - for as long as eight hours after inhaling a standard amount of marijuana.
What can parents do? First, all rules that apply to alcohol should apply to marijuana. Tell your children, “Don’t drink and drive, and don’t use marijuana and drive.” Not, “wait a few hours” or “wait until it wears off.” Further, “If you have used marijuana, don’t drive. And don’t get into a car with someone who did. Use a designated driver or call someone.”
According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, marijuana is found in the blood of approximately 14 percent of drivers who die in car crashes, often in combination with alcohol or other drugs. Educate your child on the dangers of driving or riding with someone who has used. And be sure to model that safe behavior as well. ■
