Ycmag march2014 issuu

ALSO

When Obsession Turns to Stalking

MARCH 2014

|

youthconnectionscoalition.org

sportsmanship

Points for Parents and Grandparents

BROUGHT TO YOU BY

» Siblings Without Rivalry » Four Aces is Not a Winning Hand! » Fostering Resilience

Live Life Smiling  f o r A d u lt s & t e e n s  c l e A r & m e tA l b r A c e s

Creating beautiful smiles for patients of all ages!

442-1899 • 301 saddle d r, st e A www.helenabraces.com C o m f o r t a b l e , F r i e n d l y, High Quality Orthodontic Care

n o r e f e r r a L n e c e S S a ry

MARCH 2014

FEATURES

6 14 16 20 23

Sportsmanship Siblings Without Rivalry Four Aces is Not a Winning Hand!

When Obsession Turns to Stalking Fostering Resilience

IN EVERY ISSUE

2 From the Director 5 The Kitchen Table 10 Faces in the Crowd 11 40 Developmental Assets 12 Assets in Action 18 Q&A and By the Numbers BROUGHT TO YOU BY

PROUD MEMBER OF

PRODUCED IN CONJUNCTION WITH

TO ADVERTISE (406) 996-1361

COVER PHOTO BY David Smith

youthconnectionscoalition.org

TO CONTRIBUTE (406) 324-1032 |

YC MAGAZINE

|

March 2014

1

Photo by Michelle Lashway, DeWalt Studio

from the

director

ON THE COVER

e once again have a great issue that I hope you’ll find useful. I often hear stories from people who found a particular article especially helpful in their lives. Shortly after the YC Magazine that featured an article on blue light and sleep, I had a dad of a toddler say they coleen used to let their little guy fall smith asleep in front of the TV. After they read the article they stopped doing it and were amazed at how much better he slept! (If you missed the article, you can always view previous issues on our website www.youthconnectionscoalition.org under the magazine tab.)

Coach Zach Bury is a lifeguard at the YMCA, but also coaches the Warriors in the Y’s Spirit League. This is a very competitive league of 4th and 5th graders. This past season the Warriors were winless, but played hard and had a great time. They never once complained about losing. They just enjoyed the journey of the competition. To honor their attitudes, behavior, and hard work, they were all awarded sportsmanship trophies.

This recent season they acquired two new players. Although the original team was all from St. Andrews School, the

It was a mom in our office who suggested the article on sibling rivalry. What parent of more than one child hasn’t had to deal with that issue?! I wish I had that information when my girls were smaller. It would have made life much easier – for all of us.

I’m especially excited about the piece in this issue on sportsmanship. Often we parents get too caught up in the aspect of winning or losing. We should take a page out of the kids’ book – focus on having fun! And certainly when our kids see us not acting our best, we can ruin the fun for them.

We’ve all heard it said that children don’t come with manuals and parenting can be hard work. We at Youth Connections try to find relevant information for parents to make that job a little bit easier. If you ever have ideas for article, please let us know! This magazine is for you.

players welcomed their new teammates from other schools with open arms.

Coach Zach has been a great leader and role model for these young players. He has instilled a true sense of sportsmanship in them.

We applaud Connor, Jared and all the Warriors for their commitment to working hard and playing hard, but keeping in

2

mind, in the end, it’s just a game. | YC MAGAZINE | youthconnectionscoalition.org

March 2014

Coleen Smith, YC Director Phone: (406) 324-1032 Helena Middle School, Room 210

All Your Party Needs!

Balloon Bouquets • Piñatas • Rental Items TaBlewaRe and decoRaTIons foR:

Birthday Parties • Baby Showers • Theme Parties

1400 Cedar St

406.442.7099

For boys and girls, indoor and outdoor play, ages 4-12, $3.99 and up

Downtown on the Walking Mall

25 S Last Chance Gulch 442-1594

www.A-1RentalsAndPartyPlus.com

get connected. get answers.

WHAT IS 2-1-1?

It is an easy-to-remember telephone number that connects people with important community services and volunteer opportunities.

WHAT DO I DO?

Dial 2-1-1 or visit www.montana211.org

youthconnectionscoalition.org

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

March 2014

3

She said I had to CHOOSE:

ELBOW

GREASE

Her or my chew.

Everytime we kiss, I know I made the RIGHT CHOICE.

Achieve success with HARD WORK and learn the value of EFFORT.

WILL

BUI LD A

POWER

There is no force more POWERFUL than WILL POWER.

HEAHAPP LTH IER IER , MUSCLE

MEMORY

KID

Never forget how important PHYSICAL ACTIVITY is to building a HEALTHIER, HAPPIER kid.

Make a commitment. Be

Through With Chew!

$0 30 %RXQFH +RXVH JDPHV KHDOWK\ DFWLYLWLHV VQDFNV IUHH VZLPPLQJ

RegisteR now!

soccer, +(/(1$ )$0,/< <0&$ swim lessons, jr. swim 1 /DVW &KDQFH *XOFK team, or ballet +HOHQD 07 1DWLRQDO PHGLD VSRQVRUV

Health Department

Join us April 26, 10AM-2PM Visit ymca.net/hkd to register and

All activities areevent free andandopen receive updates tips onto the public: keeping kidshouse, active andarts healthy.& crafts, face swimming, bounce painting, garden projects and healthy snacks.

YMCA LOGO and HEALTHY KIDS DAY are registered trademarks of YMCA of the USA. These materials do not imply endorsement or recommendation of any particular product or service by the YMCA. Sprout and the Sprout logo are registered trademarks of Childrenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Network, LLC. TM & Š 2014 LazyTown Entertainment.

A Time Warner company. All rights reserved.

Be Active â&#x20AC;˘ Eat Smart â&#x20AC;˘ Get Screened â&#x20AC;˘ Be Sunwise â&#x20AC;˘ Be Tobacco Free â&#x20AC;˘ Be Active

ÂŽ

1113126 12/13

Summer camp registration begins April 26th

Lewis & Clark City-County

JOIN US FOR HEALTHY KIDS DAY A special day of fun activities meant to help build on the incredible potential inside each and every child.

Helena Family YMCA 1200 n Last Chance gulch 442.9622 helenaymca.org YMCA Logo and HeALtHY KiDs DAY are registered trademarks of the YMCA of the USA. These materials do not imply endorsement or recommendation of any particular product or service by the YMCA.

stay connected: find us on facebook!

New 12,000 sq. ft. facility opening in May Preschool, Rec and Competitive Gymnastics and Cheerleading

Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t miss your chance to enroll today!

"Fun for kids, Easy for moms" Birthday Parties

Located just off McHugh Lane

4

March 2014

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

Äą 3350 + 3370 Colton Drive Äą 442.6782 Äą www.hacmt.com

youthconnectionscoalition.org

Parents and Children:

what’s YOUR love language?

The kitchen table For many of us the kitchen table represents the typical family experience. We have laughed while having family game night. We have cried over our children’s choices. We have blown out the candles on many cakes. We have argued our way out of doing the dishes. We have struggled through those “three more bites.”

We have learned hard lessons and celebrated many deserved successes. One thing is for sure though – if our kitchen tables could talk, there would be plenty of stories! So often it is in relating to others’ stories that we realize there isn’t always one answer, or even a right answer. Parenting is hard work! If you have a story of lessons learned, we invite you to share it with our readers. Sometimes, knowing we aren’t the only ones struggling to find the answer is all the help we need.

You can submit your story at: ycmagazine@youthconnectionscoalition.org

will never forget the first time I felt truly unappreciated by my three-year-old. Yes, the same one that up until that point had put me on a pedestal.

She was the one who would run towards me when I walked through the door with her arms wide open, a twinkle in her eyes while yelling, “MAMMAAAA!” She was the one that would twirl my hair in her fingers when I rocked her at bedtime. The same one who loved to brush my hair and put make up on me…

After returning from a work trip, I carefully placed the t-shirt and stuffed animal I brought her right by her bed where she was sure to find them first thing when she awoke. It was like waiting up for Santa that night as I watched in anticipation for her little eyes to perk open, see her gift, and scream with excitement at her treasure. The response I got far from fulfilled my fantasy. “Mom, is that for me?” she asked as she zoomed in on the prize. “Yes, honey, I bought that especially for you because I missed you.”

“But Mom, I don’t like pink.”

I was shocked. How could a child be so unappreciative? I was speechless.

Recently I finished reading the book, The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary D. Chapman.

That book unlocked the mystery of my daughter’s seemingly inappropriate response to that gift giving experience. In the book, the author outlines the five ways in which children prefer to have love and affection expressed. For some, getting gifts

is the way they know someone loves them. Receiving a special surprise shows they were thought of and makes them feel special. For others, spending quality time together helps them know the other truly cares for them. Yet others prefer physical touch including hugs, snuggles, twirling hair ... Then there are those who see acts of service as a sign of love – AKA when my husband takes his Saturday to work on the list of household chores I have been wanting him to tackle.

And finally, there are those who ... I flashed back to the hugs, hair twirling, snuggles before bed, hair brushing, and incident known in our house as the “t-shirt situation,” and everything clicked for me. My daughter’s love language was clearly about physical touch, so when I brought her a gift, it didn’t resonate with her because I wasn’t speaking her language. I might as well have been talking to her in Greek. What she really wanted was for me to lay in bed with her and snuggle her upon my return, not bring her a t-shirt.

As parents we show our love to our kids in lots of ways.

But, after reading the book, I learned how to translate my love for my daughter into her language, and how to translate her actions towards me. At age 11, she still comes out of her room at least three times to get hugs at bedtime. It isn’t her procrastinating, but rather it is her way of telling me how much she loves me. ■

Source: http://funny2.com/facts.htm

youthconnectionscoalition.org

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

March 2014

5

keeping things

Sportsm Points for Parents and Grandparents to Keep

6

March 2014

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

youthconnectionscoalition.org

By DAVID SMITH, CEO, YMCA

in perspective:

manship in Mind About Youth Recreation Sports

youthconnectionscoalition.org

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

March 2014

7

Continued from page 7

We should all be more interested in developing children’s character through sport hen I was growing up, I was a great baseball player and our team should have won the state championship. So as a parent, I put the ball in my son’s and my daughter’s hands and coached the heck out of them, making sure they could win the state championship.

There are only two problems with that …. First, I was really a very average player, and second, my kids didn’t have the same dream of winning a state championship. It was my dream, and I should have let them have their own dreams.

In the end it all worked out pretty well, I’m glad to say, and I’ve learned more about keeping my cool as a coach and parent, and keeping things in perspective as a parent. It’s handy to have a set of rules for being a parent, grandparent or any kind of supporter of youth activities – so here are some points for parents and grandparents to keep in mind about youth recreation sports (or ballet, choir, band, chess club ...): Everyone Plays During the season everyone should receive equal practice and game time. My son sat out substantial parts of games that I coached. He understood that he wouldn’t receive special treatment and accepted it.

Safety First Coaches and parents should make sure the equipment and facilities are safe, and remember to teach the sport as prescribed so that the skills taught are appropriate for a child’s developmental level.

Fair Play Fair play is about playing by the rules – and more. It’s about parents, players, and coaches showing respect for all who are involved in youth sports. It’s about being a positive role model of good sportsmanship, and guiding players to do the same.

Positive Competition Competition is a positive process when the pursuit of winning is kept in the right perspective. The right perspective is when adults

8

March 2014

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

youthconnectionscoalition.org

make decisions that put the best interests of ALL children above winning the contest. Learning to compete is important for children, and learning to cooperate in a competitive world is an essential lesson of life.

Family Involvement Youth sports encourages parents to be involved appropriately, along with their child’s participation in sport programs. In addition to being helpful as volunteer coaches, officials, and timekeepers, parents should be at practices and games to support the child’s participation.

Sport for Fun Sports are naturally fun for most children. They love the challenge of mastering the skills of the game, of playing with their friends, and of competing with their peers. Sometimes when adults become too involved in children’s sport, they over-organize and dominate the activity to the point of destroying children’s enjoyment of the sport.

If we take the fun out of sport, we are in danger of our children taking themselves out of sport. Remember that these sports are for the kids; we need to let them have fun.

Youth sports should also be a great experience for parents because kids learn more than just how to play the game well. Children learn the rules and etiquette of the game, receive fitness and health tips, and learn how to develop good character and sportsmanship. These core values will be important throughout their lives!

Kids who enjoy themselves are more likely to stay involved in sport, thereby maintaining an active lifestyle and lowering the chances for obesity and other related health problems.

We should all be more interested in developing children’s character through sport than in developing a few highly skilled players.

It’s not about creating the next Lebron James, Mia Hamm, or even making sure your child earns a place on the varsity team. It’s about kids being kids, kids having fun, kids staying healthy, and adult volunteers working together to make our community great. ■

Cory Bailey P.A.L./HMS: (406) 439-9640

tXt UR hPD

loren Mardis Capital: (406) 949-3683

TXT UR HPD allows you to report illegal or unsafe activity discreetly and immediately to your School Resource Officer directly

»

»

When to tXt UR hPD When you feel unsafe, in school or outside of school

«

When you think someone else is unsafe, in school or outside of school

»

With confidentiality if you think a crime may take place

«

shawn lashway CR Anderson: (406) 949-3681

«

Bryan FisCher Helena High: (406) 949-3680

Helena • East Helena • Townsend • Lincoln • Avon • Wreck Master Certified • Flat Tire Changes • Fuel Delivery • Light/Medium Duty Truck Towing • Lockouts • Jumpstarts • Winchouts • Flatbed Car/Truck Carrier

Helena Towing Service 24 HR TOWING & RECOVERY Licensed • Insured • Dependable

443-4TOW (4869)

SUMMER 2014

Boulder-Basin • Wolf Creek • Caynon Creek • Elliston

SPORTS CAMPS Conveniently Located At The Helena Family YMCA CHILDREN AGES 3-12

SOCCER | BASKETBALL | TINY-HAWK™ | M I N I - H A W K ® | M U LT I - S P O R T

Space is Limited – Register Now! www.skyhawks.com | 1.800.804.3509 youthconnectionscoalition.org

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

March 2014

9

Check out who’s standing out in our community.

IS THERE SOMEONE YOU’D LIKE TO NOMINATE? Please email cosmith@helena.k12.mt.us and tell us why this individual has stood out in your crowd.

Ian Uland

FACES IN THE CROWD

Jefferson School, 5th grade

Ian likes science, reading, playing board and computer games like Risk and Minecraft. Ian stays busy all year round with soccer in the fall, hockey in the winter, and lacrosse in the spring. He likes camping with his dad and hanging out with his family and friends. He is a proud owner of two lucky parents, Jeanette and Matt, and one nice sister, Ella.

Delaney Day Knudsen

C R Anderson Middle School, 8th grade

Delaney has a strong interest in writing and has a blog where she keeps her readers up to date on subjects such as film and animation. Delaney also draws and focuses her skills especially on digital art. If you are looking for good books to read, she recommends anything by John Green, especially Paper Towns and Will Grayson, Will Grayson.

Mittzy Guillemette

PAL, 12th grade

Mittzy chose Change of Heart for her senior project, which is an anti-bullying program. She did a great job and impressed her teachers as well as fellow students. Mittzy is passionate about anti-bullying programs, as she has experienced bullying herself. She wants to continue to volunteer for similar programs after she graduates. She came to PAL to be more appreciated as a student. Mittzy enjoys music, art and anything where she can be creative. She has one older brother, two older sisters, and a younger sister. She plans to go college and major in small business.

Shalon Hastings Taco Del sol/hub coffee, owner

We are lucky to have business owner Shalon Hastings in Helena. Shalon recognizes that a lot of the same place-making techniques that create a thriving environment for kids and families also do so for small businesses. In the last two years Shalon’s led a pilot initiative in Downtown Helena to increase positive behaviors by both youth and adults called Helena Expect Respect. And she works with young people everyday: her staff at Taco Del Sol and HUB Coffee. Teaching and role-modeling positive, respectful behavior comes naturally to her, and the effect on those around her is catching.

Local Photographers & Volunteers

In an effort to become more efficient, we have been asking local photographers to take the cover and inside shots for our magazine. When we asked Michelle Lashway from DeWalt Studio she said she would love to! It’s local businesses like this that help make Youth Connections Coalition what it is – a group of community leaders, parents and organizations that want the best for kids. We truly appreciate Michelle’s willingness to brave the dark and cold after hours to get the team shot. Thanks, Michelle! An additional shout out to David Smith and Ben Wahl at the YMCA for assembling the parents and coach to get the cover shot and taking it for us – overcoming multiple bogies.

10

March 2014

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

youthconnectionscoalition.org

SERVICES INCLUDE: • 24 hour a day crisis line • Safe shelter • Emotional support • Domestic violence and sexual assault support groups • Case management • Legal advocacy • Order of Protection assistance • Information and referrals • Community education and outreach

(406) 442-6800 24 Hours

1430 Sanders, Helena

www.thefriendshipcenter.org

NEW LOGO NEW LOCATION

( same Pete, don’t worry ) Promo Products Embroidery Screen Printing Building Signs Trade Show Displays Athletic Apparel And More!

40 developmental assets

The Friendship Center helps survivors of domestic and sexual violence gain access to community services and resources which provide the assistance they need to resolve their crisis and begin to rebuild their lives.

40 Developmental Assets are essential qualities of life that help young people thrive, do well in school, and avoid risky behavior.

Youth Connections utilizes the 40 Developmental Assets Framework to guide the work we do in promoting positive youth development. The 40 Assets model was developed by the Minneapolis-based Search Institute based on extensive research. Just as we are coached to diversify our financial assets so that all our eggs are not in one basket, the strength that the 40 Assets model can build in our youth comes through diversity.

In a nutshell, the more of the 40 Assets youth possess, the more likely they are to exhibit positive behaviors and attitudes (such as good health and school success) and the less likely they are to exhibit risky behaviors (such as drug use and promiscuity). It’s that simple: if we want to empower and protect our children, building the 40 Assets in our youth is a great way to start.

Look over the list of Assets on the following page and think about what Assets may be lacking in our community and what Assets you can help build in our young people. Do what you can do with the knowledge that even through helping build one asset in one child, you are increasing the chances that child will grow up safe and successful. Through our combined efforts Helena will continue to be a place where Great Kids Make Great Communities.

www.qwikmt.com 739 Getchell St 442-0198 Great Northern Town Center Area

Turn the page to learn more! youthconnectionscoalition.org

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

March 2014

11

assets in action

40 DEVELOPMENTAL ASSETS

3 Support

Lunch break gives students a chance to hangout with a popular student teacher.

1. Family support: Family life provides high levels of love and support.

2. Positive family communication: Young person and her or his parent(s) communicate positively, and young person is willing to seek advice and counsel from parent(s).

3. Other adult relationships: Young person receives support from three or more nonparent adults.

4. Caring neighborhood: Young person experiences caring neighbors.

5. Caring school climate: School provides a caring, encouraging environment.

6. Parent involvement in school: Parent(s) are actively involved in helping young person succeed in school.

Empowerment

8

16

7. Community values youth: Young person perceives that adults in the community value youth.

8. Youth as resources: Young people are given useful roles in the community.

9. Service to others: Young person serves in the community one hour or more per week.

10. Safety: Young person feels safe at home, at school, and in the neighborhood.

Boundaries & Expectations An Advanced Culinary Arts student serves pastries at a fundraiser and concert.

A US high school diploma is a big success for this student and his family.

Getting ready to compete at a gymnastics meet.

11. Family boundaries: Family has clear rules and consequences and monitors the young person’s whereabouts.

12. School boundaries: School provides clear rules and consequences.

13. Neighborhood boundaries: Neighbors take responsibility for monitoring young people’s behavior.

14. Adult role models: Parent(s) and other adults model positive, responsible behavior.

15. Positive peer influence: Young person’s best friends model responsible behavior.

16. High expectations: Both parent(s) and teachers encourage the young person to do well.

Constructive Use of Time

18 12

March 2014

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

youthconnectionscoalition.org

17. Creative activities: Young person spends three or more hours per week in lessons or practice in music, theater, or other arts.

18. Youth programs: Young person spends three or more hours per week in sports, clubs, or organizations at school and/or in the community.

19. Religious community: Young person spends one or more hours per week in activities in a religious institution.

20. Time at home: Young person is out with friends “with nothing special to do” two or fewer nights per week.

If you or your child would like to submit a picture that represents one of the 40 Developmental Assets, please email cosmith@helena.k12.mt.us with a picture and the number of the asset the picture represents.

Not all pictures are guaranteed publication.

32 Commitment to Learning

21. Achievement motivation: Young person is motivated to do well in school.

22. School engagement: Young person is actively engaged in learning.

23. Homework: Young person reports doing at least one hour of homework every school day.

24. Bonding to school: Young person cares about her or his school.

25. Reading for pleasure: Young person reads for pleasure three or more hours per week.

A 12th grade student and her parent fill out financial aid forms for her post secondary education goals.

Positive Values

26. Caring: Young person places high value on helping other people.

27. Equality and social justice: Young person places high value on promoting equality and reducing hunger and poverty.

28. Integrity: Young person acts on convictions and stands up for her or his beliefs.

29. Honesty: Young person “tells the truth even when it is not easy.”

30. Responsibility: Young person accepts and takes personal responsibility.

31. Restraint: Young person believes it is important not to be sexually active or to use alcohol or other drugs.

40 A science student explains rock identification to a younger learner.

Social Competencies

32. Planning and decision making: Young person knows how to plan ahead and make choices.

33. Interpersonal competence: Young person has empathy, sensitivity, and friendship skills.

34. Cultural competence: Young person has knowledge of and comfort with people of different cultural/racial/ethnic backgrounds.

35. Resistance skills: Young person can resist negative peer pressure and dangerous situations.

36. Peaceful conflict resolution: Young person seeks to resolve conflict nonviolently.

26

A Paris Make-a-Wish trip helps a 9th grader decide on a fashion design career.

Positive Identity

37. Personal power: Young person feels he or she has control over “things that happen to me.”

38. Self-esteem: Young person reports having a high self-esteem.

39. Sense of purpose: Young person reports that “my life has a purpose.”

40. Positive view of personal future: Young person is optimistic about her or his personal future.

It’s never too early to encourage reading for fun.

25 youthconnectionscoalition.org

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

March 2014

13

Siblings without rivalry

By KATHLEEN GAZY, CLC, Parent Educator, Florence Crittenton Community Outreach Center

14

March 2014

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

youthconnectionscoalition.org

How often during the course of the week do you hear your kids yelling something like, “No fair! That’s mine! Leave me alone!

I’m telling!”? Many of us may be raising our hands to admit, “That’s my life!” We might be wondering why this is even happening. The simplest answer is: We have more than one child!

ere is another answer: sibling rivalry is often spurred on by our children’s subconscious need for connection with us. If they are feeling disconnected, they may settle for the attention they get from fighting with siblings.

Negative attention is better than no attention at all.

This is one reason parents need to be careful not to get pulled into the fray. If we enter into their arguments and attempt to solve the conflict, we may risk creating more long term problems. Children may begin to believe that we will always be there to rescue them from conflict, which may cause them to act out more. We also run the risk of appearing to favor one child over another; if a child believes this, it can cause more resentment and continued rivalry.

So what should we do?

Well, unless the children are endangering or harming one another, avoid getting involved.

Do your best not to get caught up in their emotion, and gently encourage them to resolve the crisis themselves. Calmly ask them to take their argument elsewhere, or stay away from each other until they have calmed down. What a gift we give our children when we model calm behavior and allow them to learn how to work things out on their own.

If we do find it necessary to get involved, here are some guidelines: » Tell them, “I am happy to help you work through this situation

once you have had some time away from each other and have calmed down.” Problem solving isn’t possible when our kids are overwhelmed with their own emotions.

find the time to spend one-onone with each child. However, even just 10 to 15 minutes a day of undivided attention can go a long way in filling our children’s emotional needs. Here are some simple ideas for meeting these needs in our children:

» Avoid making decisions for them. Work with them and help them find possible choices they can agree upon. If children are fighting over the only game control, are there creative and satisfying ways they can take turns? A schedule or a timer? Is there another activity they can both do together?

» When our kids do something delightful, TELL THEM! Make the most out of these moments.

Research shows that our children need to experience our delight in them; it is a key element to feeling secure.

» Stay far away from the “blame game”. Teach your children that this kind of thinking is unproductive; anyone who is involved is partly responsible.

After children have solved their problems, or gone their separate ways, this is a great time for us to do some reflection on our own. If one of the major underlying causes of sibling rivalry is because our children feel they aren’t getting enough of our attention, we may need to ask ourselves some uncomfortable questions: Is it possible that we aren’t giving our kids the undivided attention that their actions may be crying out for? Have we been spending more time away from home? Are we focusing more on other people, or our own daily needs?

Children may grow even more resentful towards each other if they feel they aren’t getting enough attention from parents.

Giving separate attention is vital; yet it can be difficult to

» Eliminate distractions.

When our children attempt to talk to us we need to make a point of putting away our iPad and cell phone. » Carve out special times. If it is affordable you can take a child out to lunch or to a movie. You can also make the most out of creating a bedtime ritual, picking up a child from school, making dinner or doing a project together. » Make the most of those golden moments. When children confide in us or share their feelings, just listen. These are moments to build on by avoiding judgment or rushing in to fix or lecture. Just enjoy the uniqueness of your child.

When we consistently model these ways of being in relationship, our children will grow up knowing they are valued and connected, and we teach our children skills that will help them throughout their lives. ■

youthconnectionscoalition.org

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

March 2014

15

Four ACEs Is Not A Winning Hand!

By TODD GARRISON, Childwise Institute

ure, you can sit at a poker table and get pretty excited if you’re holding four aces. You’d probably bet a lot of money on what you think is a winning hand. If you did win, you’d be telling everyone you know how great it was to have four aces!

Well, it’s not always great to have four aces. Let me give you a new definition of what aces are… adverse childhood experiences (ACE). Childhood abuse, neglect, and exposure to other traumatic stressors are ACEs, so the more you have, the worse it can be.

Most of us have had some type of adverse childhood experience. Almost two thirds of the study participants (more than 17,000 people) had at least one ACE on a scale of zero to 10.

Implications of ACEs for you and me can be serious, but even more so for our children.

The ACE Study, which comes out of a collaboration between Kaiser Permanente and Centers for Disease Control, uncovered a stunning link between childhood trauma and chronic diseases people develop as adults, as well as social and emotional problems.

This includes heart disease, lung cancer, diabetes and many autoimmune diseases, depression, violence, being a

victim of violence, substance abuse, and suicide.

The study’s researchers developed this ACE scoring system to explain a person’s risk for chronic disease. It’s kind of like a cholesterol score for childhood toxic stress. One point is assigned for each type of trauma experience during childhood. The higher your ACE score, the higher your risk of health and social problems.

Trauma is defined as exposure to physical abuse or neglect, emotional abuse or neglect, sexual abuse, or substance abuse in the home, just to name a few.

There seems to be a tipping point at four ACEs. The odds of negative health and social outcomes increase dramatically with four ACEs. See? It’s not always good to have four aces!

Take the ACE survey. It may open your eyes as to why you feel or act the way you do.

It may provide some relief to know you are not alone. You can find a survey here: www.

WhatsYourACEscore.com.

When Hurricane Sandy hit the East Coast in 2012, it was devastating. The cost to the U.S. was over $60 million!

But because they had an early warning system, literally thousands of lives were saved and serious injuries were

avoided. The ACE Study is an early warning system for us in regards to our children and their future.

Because we now have scientific data linking ACEs to chronic illness, negative social behaviors, and even early death, we have an amazing opportunity to reduce and avoid ACEs in our children. Our children can live healthier lives just because parents, teachers, judges, healthcare workers, social workers, friends and neighbors become aware of ACEs and work to avoid them.

The cost of ACEs is incredibly high when you consider hospital visits, medications, long-term care, criminal behavior, drug and alcohol addictions, prison, etc. On the positive side, children with reduced ACEs are more likely to graduate high school, stay healthy, be productive in the workforce, pay taxes, be good neighbors, and become good parents themselves.

If by chance you think that the ACE Study was yet another study involving inner-city poor people, take note: the study’s participants were 17,400 mostly white, middle and upper-middle class college-educated people with good jobs and great health care. They all belonged to the

Kaiser Permanente health maintenance organization. The study has also been done in countries all around the world with the same results. There is a link between negative childhood experiences and all sorts of health and emotional issues as adults. These experiences affect how children’s brains develop, which affects them the rest of their lives.

The news is not all bad. Dr. Robert Anda, co-principal investigator of the ACE Study, says, “Adversity is not destiny.”

Just because you have ACEs, or even a lot of them, it doesn’t mean your life is destined for failure. However, ACEs are serious issues, and we must do all we can to assure our children have the best possible futures because the well-being of our children is the most important thing on earth. Yes, there are very important issues in our world that need solutions.

But, if our children are not healthy physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, these vital solutions won’t come forth.

It is in the hands and hearts of our children that the world’s solutions lie.

Learn more about the ACE Study and tell your family, friends, neighbors and peers. It’s that important! ■

Take the ACE survey. It may open your eyes as to why you feel or act the way you do.

It may provide some relief to know you are not alone. You can find a survey here:

www.WhatsYourACEscore.com

16

March 2014

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

youthconnectionscoalition.org

adversity is not destiny youthconnectionscoalition.org

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

March 2014

17

BY THE

NUMBERS

Q. What’s the best car seat for my

kids and when are they ready for a booster seat?

2 weeks

A.

The best car seat is the one that fits your child’s height, weight, and age; fits your vehicle; and the one that you will use correctly each and every time. Correct usage varies widely by carseat manufacturer and model and specific vehicle manufacturer.

Standards include: your car seat moves less than 1” side to side, the harness is snug enough that you can’t pinch any webbing together, and the chest clip is placed at armpit level.

The weight and height requirements are mostly “Best Practice” guidelines. Some states, like Montana, require that all children ride in properly used and installed child safety seats until they are six years old and weigh 60 pounds, but most people don’t know that after that point, their child still may not be ready for an adult seat belt for the best protection in a vehicle. Beyond that, it is all based on a parent/ caregivers level of knowledge or fear of crash forces or willingness to rely on best practice guidelines which include:

The average number of weeks in a person’s lifetime, in a developed country, spent waiting at red lights. www.makemegenius.com/cool-facts/funny-mind-blowing-facts

206

The number of bones in the adult human body. There are 300 in children (as they grow, some of the bones fuse together). www.buzzle.com/articles/fun-facts-for-kids.html

1. All children ride in the back seat until they are 13. It takes time for a body to develop enough to withstand the crash forces in a front seating position due to the impact with airbags and hard surfaces.

2. Small children ride rear-facing until they are two. The whole back of the seat will protect their head, neck, and spine by absorbing crash forces. Once forward facing, they are exposed to the whiplashtype of movement.

3. Children stay in harness equipped seats until the lap/shoulder belt fits them properly.

4. Do not add anything (aftermarket products) to your car seat. It may affect the way it performs in a crash.

5. Do not have your child wear bulky clothing in a harnessed seat.

Crash forces will compress bulky material and leave room for movement under the snug harness, which translates into room for injury.

6. Always use a top tether anchor when your carseat and vehicle are both equipped with it. This reduces forward head movement drastically-reducing exposure to crash forces.

5

Current world record for the number of tennis balls held in a dog’s mouth. www.makemegenius.com/cool-facts/funny-mind-blowing-facts

<0

Keep your child in a booster seat until he or she is big enough to fit in an adult seat belt properly. For a seat belt to fit properly the lap belt must lie snugly across the upper thighs, not the stomach.

The shoulder belt should lie snug across the shoulder and chest and not across the neck or face. Visit www.safekids.org to find contact information for any registered carseat technician nationwide.

- Tracie V.M. Kiesel, Coordinator Tri-County Buckle Up Montana Lewis & Clark, Jefferson, & Broadwater Counties Montana Safe Kids Chapter Child Passenger Safety Instructor

Have a question?

ycmagazine@youthconnectionscoalition.org We cannot guarantee all questions will be published; however, we will do our best to respond to all questions submitted.

18

March 2014

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

youthconnectionscoalition.org

Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. www.buzzle.com/articles/fun-facts-for-kids.html

15

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is ‘uncopyrightable.’ www.timmystutor.com/blog1.php/http-archive-ely-anglican-org-education

Walk and Bike Safely!

Help your children get the physical activity they need while forming healthy habits to last a lifetime.

www.bikewalkhelena.org A message from the Lewis & Clark City-County Health Dept.

Start here, go anywhere.

From a general transfer degree to a degree in Interior Space Planning & Design or Computer Aided Manufacturing, think of your communityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 2 year college as an affordable path to higher education.

Check out all of the learning opportunities at www.umhelena.edu

www.umhelena.edu

406-447-6904 youthconnectionscoalition.org

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

March 2014

19

When Obsession Turns to Stalking

By KATIE WAAYENBERG, Outreach and Education Coordinator, The Friendship Center, Helena, Mont.

hen I think of dating, I think of a nice dinner, maybe a movie, and the occasional hour-long (or more) phone conversation followed by the anticipation of the next encounter. I’m not sure why I have that image because that’s not the reality in our current cyber-friendly dating world. Our teens are texting, tweeting, following, and ‘liking’ online, rather than carrying on faceto-face conversations.

Dating at any age is challenging, and now social media makes it all the harder. Teens now not only have arguments with their boyfriend or girlfriend while their hormones are raging, they now have arguments that are broadcast to thousands in just seconds over the internet. People can virtually see when they start a relationship, when things are going good, when they’re going not-so-good, and when they go terribly wrong. They no longer go to school and let their friends in on how they broke up with their significant other, because people already found out about it seconds after it happened. Gone are the days of hiding all the nasty things that were said, because they were just plastered all over the internet for all to see.

So, what happens when the phone is never silenced, when the updates on your child’s newsfeed rise from a few to a few hundred and when the hashtags get a little too racy? Your child might be dealing with digital abuse.

What is digital abuse? As defined by www. loveisrespect.org - digital dating abuse is

20

March 2014

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

the use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner.

That’s when what used to be our ‘old school’ days of face-to-face stalking becomes cyber stalking, which is controlling and potentially becoming abusive behavior in a dating relationship. Our teens are watching more and more television where this type of behavior is accepted, and they are reflecting it into their own relationships.

It is becoming increasingly difficult for them to realize that this is not okay behavior; after all, this is what they have grown up with online. It’s what they have become comfortable with. If a teen’s significant other is sending negative, threatening messages, tweets, DMs, or other messages online, or uses social media as a way to keep ‘tabs’ on their partner, puts that person down in status updates, sends unwanted pictures, pressures them to send explicit photos or videos, or looks through their phone, there is a good possibility that they are in an abusive dating relationship.

So what can parents and guardians do?

First of all, get involved. Get on social media; don’t run from it. It’s here – and it’s not going anywhere. Teens convince themselves that they have hidden everything they have ever posted online but chances are you can find it.

Follow their social media posts. Even though it may feel uncomfortable, keeping an eye on what children are doing online will give you a better understanding of what they are going through and how to connect with them.

youthconnectionscoalition.org

Learn the acronyms that kids are using.

LOL and TTYL may seem silly to adults, but these acronyms are used as real conversation by youth. Use the ‘friend’ method. Instead of directly asking your young person about a possible unhealthy relationship, use their friends’ situations to open a conversation.

Better yet, use celebrity examples to discuss what they should do about it and how to avoid such situations. Kids are much more open to the idea of talking about all the bad choices other people could potentially be making, rather than themselves.

Now isn’t the time to protest the electronic world. Communicate on their level. Perhaps texting is their main comfort communication. If this is how they want to communicate about dating issues, then this is how you may need to communicate.

With an issue this large, sometimes communicating with our kids at their comfort level is the best way to provide help and helpful resources.

Research has found that one out of every four teens feels they have been digitally abused or harassed. Social media and technology have only pushed abuse rates up.

Talk to your teen and talk soon. Old patterns are hard to break and this is teenage reality.

This is what teenagers are comfortable with, and how they are comfortable behaving. Parents who care may need to make their teenagers uncomfortable for a little while, before their adult lives become terribly uncomfortable-mentally, physically and even digitally. ■

What can parents and guardians do? First of all, get involved. Get on social media; don’t run from it, it’s here-and it’s not going anywhere.

Why does my child bite?

e y e c a re

Where do I find child care?

Is my child’s hearing okay?

f o r ki d s

DiD you know?

The pediatric vision benefit is one of the 10 essential benefits that create a basic benefits package for all health plans sold in the marketplaces, plus some plans outside of them. This is a fully integrated benefit (not a standalone plan) that offers a yearly comprehensive eye exam, plus a materials benefit, for every patient up to age 21.

parents have a lot of questions Family Matters can help answer them!

TUESDAYS + WEDNESDAYS + THURSDAYS: 11 am–1 pm Clothing and toy exchange / Lending library / Volunteers ready to help Volunteer opportunities for you / Free children’s books / Giveaways Information on healthcare, autism, ADHD, recreation, and more

free!

Ray Bjork Learning Center Office 1600 8th Ave, Helena / 324-2930 eccfamilymatters@gmail.com

Schedule your child’s yearly exam today with helena eye clinic

406.443.4040 www.helenaeyeclinic.com Yo u r V i s i o n o f H e a l t h !

helena orthodontics affordable care in a comfortable, fun environment

Special thanks to Youth Connections for all you do for the youth of our community!

ff

a st ur

Are braces in your child’s future?

Schedule your complimentary exam today.

to

ee

m

We offer a wide range of treatment options including traditional braces, clear braces and Invisalign.

Jeffrey C. Foster DMD, ABO Daniel R. Fiehrer DDS, MS

Jeffrey C. Foster DMD

Beautiful Smiles... a World of Possibilities!

900 N Last Chance Gulch, Ste 101 www.helenaorthodontics.com 442.0288

22

March 2014

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

youthconnectionscoalition.org

Based on Fostering

Resilience

By KENNETH GINSBURG, M.D., M.S. Ed, Reprinted with permission

Children will be strong when the important adults in their lives believe in them unconditionally and hold them to high expectations. This means all of us, not just parents, but coaches, teachers, neighbors, and other family members.

igh expectations’ does not refer to demanding high grades or athletic excellence, although it is reasonable to expect a good effort. Rather, it is about always expecting them to live up to the core values and essential goodness that is known to lie within them. Families, schools and communities can prepare children and teens to thrive through both good and challenging times. Children and teens who have the seven crucial “Cs” – competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping and control – will be prepared to bounce back from challenges and excel in life.

difficult situations. When we notice what young people are doing right and give them opportunities to develop important skills, they feel competent. We undermine competence when we don’t allow them to recover by themselves after a fall. Questions we can ask ourselves:

What are those 7Cs and how do we know if we are planting them in our children?

CoNFIDENCe is the solid belief in one’s own abilities. Children gain this by demonstrating their competence in real situations.

Confidence is not warm-and-fuzzy self-esteem that supposedly results from telling kids they’re special. Children who experience their own competence and know they are safe and protected develop a deep-seated security that promotes the confidence to face and cope with challenges. When we as parents support children in finding their

Competence is the ability or know-how to handle situations effectively and is learned through actual experience. Children can’t become competent without first developing a set of skills that allows them to trust their judgments, make responsible choices, and face

» Do I help my child focus on his strengths and build on them? » Do I notice what she does well, or do I focus on her mistakes? » As I try to protect him, do I mistakenly send the message, “I don’t think you can handle this”?

Continued on page 24 youthconnectionscoalition.org

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

March 2014

23

What we do to model healthy resilience strategies for our children is more important than anything we say about them.

Our goal as parents needs to be preparing children to be happy, healthy adults.

Continued from page 23

own islands of competence and building on them, we help kids to gain enough confidence to try new ventures and trust their abilities to make sound choices. Children need this to be able to navigate the world, think outside the box, and recover from challenges. Are we helping our kids be confident? » Do I help her recognize what she has done right or well? » Do I praise him enough? Do I praise him honestly and about specific achievements, or do I give such watered down praise that it doesn’t seem true? » When I need to correct her do I focus only on what she’s doing wrong, or do I remind her that she is capable of doing well?

Connections with other people, schools and communities offer children the security that allows them to stand on their own and develop creative solutions. It develops strong values and prevents them from seeking destructive options. Family is the central force in any child’s life, but connections to civic, educational, religious, and athletic groups can also increase a young person’s sense of belonging to a wider world and being safe within it. How connected is my child to the broader world? » Do we build a sense of physical safety and emotional security within our home? » Do I allow my child to have and express all types of emotions, or do I suppress unpleasant feelings? » Do we address conflict within our family and work to resolve problems rather than let them fester?

Character is the fundamental sense of right and wrong to ensure children are prepared to make smart choices, contribute to the world, and become stable adults. Children with character enjoy a strong sense of self-worth and confidence. They are more comfortable sticking to their own values and demonstrating a caring attitude towards others.

Am I instilling character in my child? » Do I help my child understand how his behaviors affect other people in good and bad ways? » Do I allow her to consider right versus wrong and look beyond immediate satisfaction or selfish needs? » Do I express how I think of others’ needs when I make decisions or take actions?

Contribution by children gives them a sense of purpose, which in

turn can motivate them. It is a powerful lesson when children realize that the world is a better place because they are in it. Teens who contribute to their communities will be surrounded by reinforcing thank yous instead of the low expectations and condemnation so many teens endure. » Do I teach the important value of serving others? Do I model generosity with my time and money? » Do I create opportunities for each child to contribute in some specific way? » Do I make it clear to my child that I believe he can improve the world?

Coping skills may protect children from unsafe and worrisome behavior. Those who learn to cope well with stress are better prepared to overcome life’s challenges. Questions to ask ourselves: » Do I help her understand the difference between a real crisis and something that just feels like an emergency? » Do I allow him enough time for imaginative play? Do I recognize that fantasy and play are childhood’s tools to solve problems? » Do I recognize that for many young people, risk behaviors are attempts to relieve stress and pain?

Control allows children to realize they have the ability to do what it takes to bounce back. If parents make all the decisions, children are denied opportunities to learn control. A resilient child knows that he has internal control. By his choices and actions, he determines the results. He knows he can make a difference, which further promotes his competence and confidence. » Do I help my child understand that life’s events are not purely random and most things happen as a direct result of someone’s actions and choices? » Do I help my child understand that she is not responsible for many of the bad circumstances in her life (such as parents’ separation or divorce)? » Do I reward demonstrated responsibility with increased privileges?

What we do to model healthy resilience strategies for our children is more important than anything we say about them. Our goal as parents needs to be preparing children to be happy, healthy adults.

Giving them tools to handle stress may make them less likely to turn to dangerous fixes to relieve that stress. Resilience may be the greatest gift we could foster in our child. ■

Additional information on the 7Cs can be found in Dr. Ginsburg’s book Building Resilience in Children and Teens. It also offers coping strategies for facing life’s expected stresses.

24

March 2014

|

YC MAGAZINE

|

youthconnectionscoalition.org

S n g i S g warnin at e b y a m o h w e of someon

e D I C I U S f O rISK

> > > > > > >

abrupt cha

nality nge in perso

y prized Giving awa s possession ide attempts Previous suic se or alcohol u g u r d in e s Increa er rbance, eith eating distu or loss weight gain her too rbance, eit tu is d p e le S o little much or to on rate frustrati le to to y it il Inab

> > > > > > > > > >

Withd rawal and re bellio Isolati usnes ng and s choosi time a ng to s lone pend Declin e in pe rsonal Flat af hygien fect or e depre ssed m Unusu ood al (varie ly long grie s with f differe reaction nt you Overa ll s th) hopele ense of sad ness a ssness nd Increa se in h ostilit y Decre ase in ac perfor mance ademic Diffic ulty co ncentr ating Recen t famil y disrup or rela tion tional

what you can do tO save a lIFe

> If you see the signs, ask the person, “are you suicidal?” > Offer hope, don’t leave them alone, and tell others the person to the nearest eR, call the police, take them to > take a health care professional or > Call the Montana Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

www.prc.mt.gov/suicideprevention

Helena School District #1 Youth Connections 55 S Rodney Helena, MT 59601

PRESENTS

Non-Profit Org U.S. Postage PAID Helena, MT 59601 Permit No. 94

C I T E L H T

C I N I L C R

A

E P SU

o u l d a tte

Coaches Trainers Athletes

?

wh

sh

nd

+

Team 6 and ULS, Seal e presentation H N U A H ctively. Th long with S e most effe ing Mass d trainer, a th n a in a n tr ia p to m w ly ild o d, former O ting information on h strations > Sleep > Bu o o w r e n n ents’ e o s m nd click on ‘ev r, will be pre utrition > Training De John U d e n in a a tr rg s .o le n g N Ea > coalitio Philadelphia rmation on: Recovery connections th u o fo .y in w e w d w lu will inc er: visit

o

14Center 0 2 , 0 1 h c a—r3 PM, Helena Civic M d o o w r ls 8 AM e d n U n h Jo Shaun Hu To regist

parenting series monday

T his S eries I s P resented B Y

mar 10 6 : 0 0 - 8 : 0 0 p. m .

Lattes & Sundaes, 503 F u ll er Av e

parental controls and parents taking control In today’s technology world, it is common for students to have cell phones that give them unlimited access to the internet world. Parents play an integral role in monitoring their child’s access to that world; however not all of us understand the details of what is available and how to use those tools. During this hands on session, local cell phone providers will explain the services available to parents. Following the formal presentation, they will be available to provide technical assistance to help parents learn how to use these features. Important Note: Please bring your child’s phone to this event!

for more info

Tracy Moseman, Program Director / Youth Connections Coalition 406.324.1038 | tmoseman@helena.k12.mt.us

NOTe: For the evenings at Lattes and Sundaes, their kitchen will be open to purchase sandwiches, salads, and coffees, so plan to go a few minutes early to prevent interruptions in the presentations