The Eyeopener: Vol 55, Issue 5

Volume 55 - Issue 5

October 27, 2021

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Since 1967

2

NEWS

Ryerson to allow spectators in MAC under COVID protocols Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi says the university is happy to welcome Rams fans back to the Mattamy Athletic Centre PHOTO: JIMMY KWAN

By Heidi Lee Spectators are now allowed to attend exhibition and conference games at the Mattamy Athletic Centre (MAC), according to the Ryerson Athletics website.

In an interview with The Eyeopener, Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi said the university is happy to announce that spectators will be permitted entry into the MAC. “Fans are asked to facilitate physical distancing as best as possible between groups and not their immediate households and to wear a mask or face covering,” said Lachemi.

“We look forward to seeing students back on the stands cheering for our student athletes.”

Spectators should complete their daily COVID-19 screening before arriving at the MAC On June 8, 2020, Ontario University Athletics (OUA) announced the decision to cancel all OUAsanctioned sport programming and championships up to Dec. 31, 2020 due to COVID-19.

Additionally, all winter 2021 OUA-sanctioned sport program-

ming was cancelled until March 31, The Eye previously reported.

In June, the OUA announced the return of competitive university sports for the fall 2021 semester.

In August, Ryerson joined the list of OUA member programs that require mandatory vaccination for student athletes.

The current slate of exhibition games, which ends Oct. 30, don’t re-

quire tickets. However, tickets will be required for all conference basketball, hockey and volleyball games.

To attend a soccer game at Downsview Park, Ryerson students, staff and faculty members are required to present proof of double vaccination, a photo ID and a passed RyersonSafe COVID screening through the RyersonSafe App. When visitors are asked to enter a

Ryerson contact in the RyersonSafe app, they should use the email varsitygames@ryerson.ca.

Doors will open 45 minutes prior to the start time for both exhibition and conference games.

Spectators should complete their daily COVID-19 screening before arriving at the MAC. Those who fail to comply will not be allowed into the building to watch the game.

Spectators are asked to stay in their seats and are not permitted to enter the field of play or areas restricted to staff, athletes, coaches and team personnel.

Spectators are also being asked to follow the instructions of Ryerson game day staff at all times.

More information will be available in the upcoming weeks through the Ryerson Athletics website.

COVID-19 vaccines being offered on campus through Ryerson Medical Centre The university is offering vaccinations by appointment after the closing of a community pop-up clinic this summer

By Prapti Bamaniya

Ryerson Medical Centre at (416) 9795070 to schedule an appointment.

Tenkate said Ryerson is taking the right steps. “Employers have a responsibility to ensure a safe workplace for their employees,” he said. Although there was initially some skepticism about whether the university should enforce vaccination, Tenkate said “it was decided early on that it was a reasonable thing to do in order to meet their obligations under the Occupational Health and Safety Act.” The previous vaccination clinic, held in conjunction with Unity Health, was located at the Daphne Cockwell Health Sciences Complex PHOTO VIA PIXABAY and shut down on July 29.

If you’re looking to get vaccinated on campus this semester, you can do so at the Ryerson Medical Centre, which has been offering COVID-19 vaccines to students, staff and faculty on campus since Oct. 5, according to an announcement on Ryerson’s website.

“It’s a good idea for the Medical Centre to be offering COVID-19 vaccines” After the recent closing of the Ryerson community vaccination pop-up clinic in the summer, the university worked with its community partners—Regent Park Community Health Centre and Toronto Public Health—at the Ryerson Medical Centre to allow greater access to vaccinations for those who wanted them.

“I definitely think it’s a good idea for the Medical Centre to be offering COVID-19 vaccines,” said Thomas Tenkate, associate professor at Ryerson’s School of Occupa-

tional and Public Health. He said that after the university’s requirement for proof of vaccination, it’s fair for Ryerson to provide the means necessary for students to fulfill those requirements.

“In order to be able to help people [get vaccinated] in the easiest way possible, you need to have as many opportunities, venues or facilities for them to do that.”

In a statement to The Eyeopener,

the Ryerson Medical Centre said many students, staff and faculty at Ryerson are taking advantage of the vaccinations offered by the centre, but are also using other regular pop-ups that Ryerson community partners—Regent Park Community Health Centre and Toronto Public Health—are hosting.

The university requires an appointment to get vaccinated at the Medical Centre. Students can call the

“The Ryerson community pop-up clinic has provided more than 15,000 vaccinations” “Since it opened earlier this summer, the Ryerson community popup vaccination clinic has provided more than 15,000 vaccinations thanks to more than 80 nurses, doctors and administrative staff

from the university who devoted their time and expertise to help the city recover from the pandemic,” said a Ryerson statement about the clinic’s closure.

“Employers have a responsibility to ensure a safe workplace for their employees” The previous clinic was said to close due to reduced need and decrease in vaccine demand, according to a university statement.

Currently, almost 82 per cent of Toronto residents above the age of 12 are fully vaccinated, according to the City of Toronto.

“Ryerson University strongly encourages all community members to protect themselves and their loved ones by getting vaccinated against COVID-19. Each of us has the power to help protect our classmates, professors, colleagues, friends and family members and to help stop the spread of the virus and reduce its harmful impacts,” said the university in a statement to The Eyeopener.

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NEWS

Ryerson transitioning to permanent hybrid workforce

By Omar Taleb Hybrid classes may not be Ryerson students’ preferred learning method, but that doesn’t mean remote work is ending anytime soon. While the university still maintains its planning for a full return to in-person activities on campus by January 2022, Ryerson has announced that it will be adopting a permanent hybrid workforce post-pandemic.

As early as May 2020, the university created the Opportunities Group to explore new methods of operation. Out of this committee came the Future of Work project advocating for four ways of working: On Campus, Defined Flexibility, Flexibility and Virtual.

Accessible to all Ryerson students and faculty, the Future of Work’s 65-page playbook includes guiding principles and implementation strategies for the new hybrid work model.

Ryerson’s administration and operations office says the university is in the first of what they anticipate to be a three-year process.

“The Future of Work project will be rolled out in phases and will be driven largely by each area’s ability to plan and implement an approach that makes sense for their teams,” the office wrote in an email to The Eyeopener.

“Faculties and departments will drive their own strategies, and will be empowered to move forward on their own with support from the Future of Work team, with resources like the playbook, workshops and other tools,” the email stated, adding that the project rollout will be guided “by each area’s

ability to plan and implement an approach that makes sense for their teams.”

The office said that evaluating the rollout would depend on department-specific operations, services, goals and objectives.

“The quality of student experience, course delivery and research are the centre of all flexibility decisions” Viet Vu, an economist at the Brookfield Institute, a Torontobased think tank researching policy solutions for Canada’s innovation economy, agreed that “a single university-wide policy is likely not going to work for a faculty or department.”

Looking at faculty-specific differences within a larger framework, Vu said the university will have to develop a comprehensive review of the successes and challenges posed during the transition.

The playbook emphasizes the importance of a flexible strategy to inform and guide the transition.

“The quality of student experience, course delivery, and research are the centre of all flexibility decisions,” wrote the Office of the Vice-President, Administration and Operations in the email.

Vu added that flexibility is not a bad thing, but “there will come a time when you have to question effectiveness to help identify common themes the university needs to address.”

“Defined Flexibility” and “Flexibility” are separate categories in the

ILLUSTRATION: JES MASON

playbook. Action items falling under “Defined Flexibility” are activities that require on-campus completion at set times, which the office said includes “operational needs, service delivery and team input.”

“Criteria that may be considered when deciding between ‘Defined Flexibility’ and ‘Flexibility’ might include the nature of the work, the hours of operation, needs and expectations of students or key stakeholders and employee needs,” wrote the office.

“People want to get back in-person when the time is right” The Future of Work website states that “Flexibility” requires “some in-person, on campus interaction” but the “timing and schedule for in-person and on campus activities is variable.”

Chris Gibbs, chair of the creative

industries program, pointed out that “professors already have flexibility, it’s what they do with their classes.”

“It’s very hard to paint flexibility with one brush,” said Gibbs.

The current hybrid model during the pandemic allowed Nishka Jayasuriya, a fourth-year student and president of the Law and Business Student Association (LBSA) at Ryerson, to reorganize and re-evaluate her study habits, she said. Jayasuriya said a hybrid model gives her “the flexibility to still be a part of university engagements but also finally relax and enjoy what our campus has to offer.”

Nicole Han, a third-year student and the LBSA’s vice president of events, agreed with the convenience factor, but added that “a class needs to be either completely in-person or completely online, or else it creates a difference in learning for the students.”

Gibbs said that a return to in-person learning is still possible with a

permanent hybrid structure.

“People want to get back in-person when the time is right,” said Gibbs, but “people have formed new habits and new preferences, and people have still been able to get their job done.”

The Office of the Vice-President, Administration and Operations stated that departments like Human Resources, Facilities Management and Development and Communications and Computing Services will be involved in the transition to a hybrid work model, but did not offer examples of “resources, tools and policies” to be implemented as the university transitions.

The office added that it considers ways of working a “continuum.” Categories like “On Campus” and “Defined Flexibility” are not necessarily neat boxes with defined parameters.

“Measuring success is tricky,” said Vu, “it’s okay that the university does not know yet.”

What we know about the winter 2022 term (so far)

By Thea Gribilas

PHOTO: JIMMY KWAN

As Ryerson University slowly begins to roll out their plan for returning to campus in the winter 2022 term, several announcements have been made both to the school and individual faculties about the return.

We compiled a list of everything we know about the return so far: Vaccination requirements On Aug. 27, the university announced that it would require Ryerson community members to show proof of vaccination in order to winter 2022 term. come to campus in the fall.

According to the update, exemptions will be provided under “limited circumstances, where there is “Ryerson may not be able a duty to accommodate based on to offer you an immediate protected grounds under Ontario plan to support your Human Rights Code,” adding that a “personal preference” or “singular academic progress” belief” does not amount to a right to An update provided on Oct. 18, an accommodation. said that all students, staff and facIn an email sent to all students on ulty must submit their proof of Oct. 20, vice-provost, students Jen vaccination by Nov. 1, ahead of the McMillen said “if you choose not to

be submitted of the test.

In the email, it was also noted that Ryerson’s definition of fully vaccinated individuals has changed to align with Health Canada’s definition. Vaccines approved by Health Canada are the Pfizer, Moderna, AstraZeneca and Janssen vaccines.

Students who do not have an approved Health Canada COVID-19 vaccine can get vaccinated at the Ryerson medical centre.

In an email to The Eyeopener, Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi said he “hopes to have a more get vaccinated there will be limited detailed update [about the winter academic options available to you term] in the next few days.” for winter 2022; remote learning options may not be in place for every Email to TRSM students course, and the university may not be On Oct. 21, Ted Rogers School of able to offer you an immediate plan Management students received an to support your academic progress.” email from dean Daphne Taras.

Those that have an approved exIn the email Taras said “the Ted emption must register for the rapid Rogers School is currently planning antigen testing program. The rapid for more than 85 per cent of classes antigen testing program requires to be conducted in person.” that an antigen test be taken every She added that all on-campus atMonday and Thursday and a photo tendance is contingent on students’

vaccination statuses and their compliance with Ryerson health and safety protocols, including health screenings and masking

“If you choose not to get vaccinated there will be limited academic options available to you for Winter 2022” Email to journalism students On Oct. 14, students at the School of Journalism received an email from interim co-chair Gavin Adamson that said the university is planning for a full return to campus in the winter 2022 term.

The School of Journalism will be functioning at full capacity in the winter term in compliance with university guidelines, he wrote.

Adamson added that although masking requirements will continue to be mandated, social distancing requirements will be changing, although no specifics were provided.

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NEWS

BAD POLICY SLEEPS WITH THE FISHES

General Manager Liane “Fermented Wheat Juice” McLarty

Ontario misses deadline to appeal SCI ruling

By Tyler Griffin The Ontario government has missed the deadline to appeal an August court decision upholding the Ford government’s Student Choice Initiative (SCI) as “unlawful,” according to the Canadian Federation of Students (CFS).

On Aug. 4, Ontario’s Court of Appeal released a decision unanimously upholding the 2019 ruling by the divisional court and ordered the provincial government to pay CFS $20,000 to cover the costs of the appeal. Justice Grant Huscroft called the SCI “a profound interference in university autonomy.”

According to Kayla Weiler, national executive representative for CFSOntario, the province was given 60 days after the Aug. 4 ruling to file an application for leave to appeal, which the CFS did not receive by Oct. 5. “[The CFS] is left with the impression that the government is not interested in pursuing this in a legal sense any further,” said Weiler. “It’s time for Doug Ford to stop taking students to court rulings.”

The controversial SCI policy was first announced by Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s Progressive Conservative government in January 2019, and implemented in September of that year. The policy allowed students to opt out of ancillary fees deemed “non-essential” and caused significant

losses in funding for student groups, unions, cultural associations and campus media organizations such as radio stations and newspapers.

Ryerson groups impacted by the policy included the Ryerson Students’ Union and its equity centres, the Continuing Education Students’ Association of X University (CESAX), campus radio station CJRU and The Eyeopener. Opt-in percentages for Ryerson groups ranged from 43 to 79 per cent.

Many other student groups across Ontario also faced significant reductions to their operating budgets as a direct result of the SCI, which resulted in permanent staff layoffs and some groups disbanding entirely.

The CFS and York Federation of Students initially filed a legal challenge against the SCI in May 2019, with the court ruling in their favour months later in November. In March 2020, the government sought an appeal to reinstate the SCI. Regarding the missed deadline to appeal, Steph Rychlo, vice-president equity and campaigns at CESAX, said many organizations on campus had to change operating structures and board compositions under the SCI, but that the policy also brought many student groups together “to think critically about the role of our students’ unions.”

“A huge concern that remains is the longstanding changes that our

university has made in the name of funding cuts and quick timelines to change student fee structures.”

Weiler, who has been at the forefront of the CFS campaign against the SCI since early 2019 when she was part of the University of Guelph’s student union, said the provincial government failing to appeal is a “relief” for students worrying about cuts to campus programming. However, Weiler also said it’s been “sad” to see students miss opportunities in the years since the SCI was introduced due to tighter budgeting for student life.

“The threat of the SCI will always be there until we have standalone legislation that protects student unions as democratic organizations,” said Weiler, adding that it’s unsustainable for students to anticipate policies like the SCI whenever a new government or premier comes into power.

“What’s important is for our students’ unions and groups to reflect on our methods of member engagement to work towards creating a cohesive students’ movement,” said Rychlo.

“With a looming provincial election, it’s more important than ever to fight for public funding for education, stronger protections for student organizing on campus and a government that will work with the students’ movement rather than attempt to thwart and destroy it.”

Editor-in-Chief Tyler “Road Kill” Griffin News Thea “Cherry Blossom Samoyed” Gribilas Heidi “Red Panda” Lee Sarah “Eagle Eyes” Tomlinson Photo Laila “White Dove” Amer Jes “Big Meat” Mason Online Dhriti “Angery Tiger Cub” Gupta Alexandra “Thirsty Hydrangeas” Holyk Features Abeer “Koya Koala” Khan Arts and Culture Elizabeth “Blanket Kitty” Sargeant Business and Technology Charlize “Big Oxsmol Energy” Alcaraz Communities Mariam “Cheetos and Merlot” Nouser Sports Gavin “Fake Turf Grass” Axelrod Fun and Satire Rochelle “Worm Food” Raveendran Media Norah “Nyan Cat” Kim Web Developers Doug “Jake the Dawg” Nguyen Farhan “Mycelium” Sami

Advertising Manager Christopher “Devil’s Lettuce” Roberts Design Director J.D. “The Dogfather” Mowat Contributors Samira “Got An Interview!”

Balsara Omar “Future of the Eye” Taleb Mariyah “It’s Coming” Salhia Brett “Shweetie” Porter Maria “Scary Child” Couto Prapti “Exclusive Invite” Bamaniya Nada “Food is a Love Language” Abbass Krishika “Moscato Angel” Jethani Jack “Trigger Fingers Turn To Twitter Fingers” Wannan Smiksha “Scared of Crypto” Singla Annika “Fare Policy” Forman Nishat “Fair Jobs” Chowdhury Samreen “My Story” Maqsood Sahara “Liam’s Arrow Tattoos” Mehdi Dream “DM Ban” Homer Ben “High Efficiency” Okazawa Madison “My Dog Got Sprayed

By A Skunk” Kelly Daniella “Scottie Barnes” Lopez Jahnick “Elite Shooter 1” Lambert Robert “Elite Shooter 2” Vona Matthew “Tommy MF Sweeney” Davison Jack “Baked Beans” MacCool Jordan “Lives at MAC” Jacklin Mario “I’ll Work On My Rams Puns” Russo Armen “Famous Now” Zargarian Chris “Out the Shadows” Sanders Bana “Another Day of Not Meeting Drake“ Yirgalem Lauren “You Can’t Eat With Us” Batttagello

human nature | 5

Editorial: Nature is what makes us human Words by Rochelle Raveendran Visuals by Maria Raveendran

I applied for my high school’s environmental council in June at the end of Grade 9. During the interview, I was asked whether I’d be comfortable handling worms, as the council operated a worm composting bin. I knew about the bin and I wanted to be on the council, so I said yes, I’m comfortable handling worms.

We all returned to school in September and attended the first Monday meeting of the year, where the president informed us that no one had thought about the composting bin for the entire summer. The worms had all dry roasted in the sun.

This announcement was fairly tragic. Perhaps the worms had grown to enjoy their little bin, after the initial discomfort wore off.

The compost was likely a cushiony wonderland in which they could bury their nubbin heads and have the odd nibble on an orange rind scrap. When the soil started to feel increasingly coarse, they wouldn’t have thought much of it, because worms don’t think much about anything. They probably didn’t even recognize these sensations as symp-

tomatic of oncoming death.

I genuinely felt sad for the worms that day, but pity wasn’t the full extent of my emotions. Because the reality is, I’m not actually that comfortable handling worms. And although I never would have wished death upon them, I did feel extraordinarily lucky in that moment. There was a lot of talk in the following two years about getting another bin for the council, but I ended up quitting before those plans came to fruition.

If you think about it hard enough, you’ll realize this story is actually an analogy for climate change. All stories about humans and nature become stories about climate change if you think about it hard enough. The three of us are intertwined in a twisted love triangle that largely consists of human snootiness directed towards the other two participants.

I, like many other ignorant people, have convinced myself that I’m part of the greatest species on Earth, far above every other. We all live in constant delusion, invested in a pseudo-distinction of human superiority. Even in my school’s environmental council, worms were clearly expendable—so much so

that we were willing to sacrifice a whole new colony at the altar of our resumes. However, the very ways we function and the essence of who we are contradict this hierarchical perspective.

We lose ourselves when we forgo our responsiblity to the Earth Humans are fundamentally part of nature, and nature is what makes us human. We are just as much creatures of the environment as the animals we hold dear as emotional crutches and the succulents we grow to refresh our homes and energy. This relationship isn’t onesided; when humans imbue flowers with deep symbolism and make the forest our refuge from the nine to five capitalist hellscape, we take the world that shapes us and impose our own collective meanings onto it.

Before I started working with the incredible writers in this issue, I knew it would be absurd to create abstract satirical takes on humans and the environment without considering the millions whose lives

Credits Managing Editor

Editor-in-Chief

Rochelle Raveendran

Tyler Griffin

Visuals

Writers

Laila Amer

Nayab Ahmar

Isela Gomez

Maya Al Afghani

Abeer Khan

Charlize Alcaraz

Jes Mason

Karly Benson

Michelle Parlevliet

Naomi Chen

Vedangi Patel

Ishitaa Chopra Alexandra Clelland

Online

Abbey Kelly

Dhriti Gupta

Mariam Nouser

Alexandra Holyk

Shannan Peck

Web Doug Nguyen Farhan Sami

Zarmminaa Rehman

are most directly and disproportionately affected by climate change every day. Ultimately, this issue is a response to what largely motivates lethargy or indifference toward the Earth in the West: the increasing disconnect between humans and nature. The planet itself has become expendable—a necessary sacrifice to make every aspect of our lives, both personal and commercial, as ‘easy’ as possible.

We’ve stubbornly inched our way towards creating an almost imperceptible difference; from doing whatever we want because we don’t care what happens to Earth, to doing whatever we want because the planet will eventually implode and kill us all anyway. As we burrow ourselves deeper into this view, we adopt a logic of extremes that’s morally dubious at best and inhumane at worst. To give up on nature is to give up on human beings and humanity itself. We lose ourselves when we forgo our responsibility to the Earth.

This issue isn’t intended to indulge your comfortable hopelessness about the world’s future. As has become abundantly clear in recent years, a resigned mindset only serves

the people who can literally afford to assume a position of nonchalance about the state of the planet. Instead of enabling pessimism, Human Nature is an exploration of the varied ways human beings are intrinsically tied to the natural world: physically, emotionally and spiritually. Our relationship is simultaneously exploitative and hopeful, ignorant and imaginative. It’s a connection that begins the moment we are born and continues long after our death, as we gradually decay into worm food.

I suppose global warming and bodily decomposition aren’t the most hilarious concepts to think about, but if all journalists will inevitably become climate reporters, all satirists may be doomed to the same fate. But at least we can have a laugh about it.

What animal is your natural enemy?

Words by Zarmminna Rehman | Visuals by Laila Amer Take this quiz to find out what animal would unquestionably best you in handto-hand, hand-to-fin or hand-to-beak combat...

A popular TV show that you’d like to wipe off the face of the Earth? a) Riverdale, how is there just ONE river but MULTIPLE murderers? b) The Office, it only has, like, five good seasons. c) Friends, a group of six white friends? Living in Manhattan? Hard pass. d) SpongeBob SquarePants, I only watched it for the background fish people.

Does climate change exist? a) Yes [honest] b) No <3 c) Yeah [no] d) Yes [derogatory] Do you recycle? a) Yes, every week. b) Only during the full moon. c) Hahaha, no. d) For you, anything. But no.

Finish the lyrics: “You are….” a) I’m good, thanks. b) “my sunshine” c) “my fi-re... the one…. de-sire” d) “my candy~ girrrlll~”

Take the full quiz on our microsite: humannature.theeyeopener.com

6 | human nature

What do you see in the clouds?

By Shannan Peck and Rorschach Raveendran Visuals by Laila Amer Against a crisp blue sky, pearly wisps of water droplets often condense to form incredibly vivid shapes. These clouds are much more than simply vapour; the images we project onto them can provide fascinating insight into the human psyche.

Take a moment to examine the cloud pictured here. Stare at it. Ruminate on it. Fall a little in love with it, if you so wish. Once you’ve clearly identified what exactly the image means to you, read on to discover the meaning of what you see in the clouds...

A half-melted plastic bottle of melatonin gummies The greatest, purest desire in your life is sleep. You’re in a constant state of craving it. Every step you take is a subconscious action aimed at getting you closer to that point in the day where you can pass out. But your intoxicated infatuation with sleep is really just plain toxic. What lengths would you go to if someone were to disturb your sleep schedule? Would you maim them with a weighted blanket? Launch your sun lamp at their head? You’re an incredibly passionate person, but you need more hobbies to dilute this intense concentration of energy. Consider taking up stamp-collecting; it’s a perfectly peaceful activity that will productively consume your thoughts, with the added bonus of putting you right to sleep.

The face of a dragon with kind eyes baring its teeth You deeply feel all the small inadequacies of daily life. But righteous anger is a crutch you use to hide what’s really at the heart of your emotions. You’ve finally become old enough to spot all the flaws in your mommy and daddy and how they raised you, and now you can’t look at them the same way again. The stress of this discovery is flooding into all other areas of your life. No one cares about roommate agreements as much as you do. One deviation from your joint cleaning schedule is enough for you to unleash several fire blasts. Unfortunately, your anger is justified— even though it’s misdirected, it’s coming from a very real place. This makes it a difficult, deep-rooted issue to solve. But maybe your mommy knows what to do.

A rat with the head of Ryan Reynolds driving a Mustang The meaning of this is simple despite its complexity: you’re truly content with your relationship status. Whether you’re single or partnered, you feel at peace.

In fact, you’re so content that you almost feel superior to everyone else you know who is still unhappy with their significant other, or lack thereof. Actually, it’s not exactly superiority; it’s more like intense derision. They all seem so needy, so desperate to you. You were never that pathetic when you weren’t happy with your love life, you think, and to an extent, you’re right! You’re better than all of them—otherwise you would still be them. Your outlook is well-founded.

A cup of tea being heated up in the microwave You’re an agent of chaos.

You were born in the darkness, moulded by it, and couldn’t care less about deviating from social norms. In moments of devastation, you struggle to fight the urge to giggle. To you, there’s no such thing as the unthinkable. No line is uncrossable. There is no love in your life and you like it that way.

Something vaguely sexual This could mean one of two things. It’s very possible that you’re just a regular human being who sometimes sees banal objects or images and thinks they look somewhat sexual. It’s very possible that this is a totally harmless interpretation which has nothing to do with your psyche, your interests or what drives you to act the way you do. It’s very possible that there’s nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with you at all. But if you see something vaguely sexual in this cloud, it is also very possible that your pelvic floor is currently prolapsing, and you need to seek medical attention immediately.

A butterfly You are deeply, deeply unimaginative.

human nature | 7

Deep-sea secrets of the Mariana Trench finally discovered A team of divers dared to go where no other human being has ever gone before and then went a little bit further than that

By Abbey Kelly New advances in underwater technologies have allowed a group of Canadian scientists to spend more time exploring the depths of the Mariana Trench than was previously imagined to be possible.

The Eyeopener obtained an exclusive interview with the team of four researchers headed by lead diver Dr. Ellis Syreni, just hours after the dive was completed.

“I can’t believe we did it,” Syreni said.

“What we saw was unimaginable!”

After hearing the team’s story, The Eye agreed.

The dive The dive was made possible due to advanced deep-sea equipment including “hydraulics, many wires and electricity,” Syreni said.

“We went below the water and then just kept going,” he continued. The pressure within the submarine chamber was consistently monitored and adjusted to prevent the team from “being crushed like ants in a soda can in a compactor.”

The last dive to the depths of the Pacific Ocean was conducted in 2019 by American explorer Victor Vescovo. It was a four-hour dive and went nearly 11 kilometres deep. This dive lasted six hours and, allegedly, went deeper.

The findings Once the team made it to the seabed, they searched for ravines or cracks in the ocean floor that could be hiding creatures or artifacts.

Nothing caught their eye immediately, but after the first 10 minutes of exploration and a few deep breaths, they found their first discovery.

A goldfish swam past Syreni’s diving partner, Florence Pirata. This shocked the team, not only because the water pressure at this depth should have killed the fish, according to known laws of physics, but also because it was moving within a fish bowl with SpongeBob SquarePants aquarium decor.

The bowl had acted like a forcefield around the goldfish, floating alongside it and eventually leading the dive team towards a shallow, rocky outcropping.

“The rocks had holes in it like Swiss cheese,” Pirata said. “The structure whistled a song when currents passed by, and sitting in the holes were soft looking corals with a colour-changing bioluminescence.”

Syreni chimed in: “It looked like an underwater fish rave.”

Nestled in the corals, the team found a Kohler kitchen sink, a mixtape titled “please date me” with I’ll Make Love To You by Boyz II Men listed as the first song and a full Campbell’s tomato soup can.

Hours later, northeast of the fish rave, they discovered a laminate sign leaning against a two-metre-tall rock formation with “Live, Laugh, Lo” on it.

The last two letters of ‘love’ appeared to be eroded or bitten off. There seemed to be no signs of life nearby, so the team decided to clean up the litter—but a creature hidden behind the sign was opposed to this.

“As soon as I grabbed the sign and had it two, maybe three inches from where it was leaning, I saw a massive claw come out of a gaping hole the sign was covering,” Syreni said. “Big ass lobster or something.”

Pirata tried to capture a photograph of the large crustacean, but it aggressively grabbed the sign and swatted at the camera. The force swept up the sand on the ocean floor and made the photos incomprehensible.

Syreni swears the creature was a massive lobster wearing three pairs of shutter shades, reminiscent of the ones Kanye West popularized in 2007, on its three sets of eyes. But his glimpse may have been too quick to tell, he said.

“The big guy grabbed it and put it back,” Syreni sighed, distraught that the team couldn’t see more. “I gently

knocked on the sign three times but a deep murmur from the other side said ‘no,’ and I had to respect its wishes.”

The team took a brief break in their submarine before heading further east, where they swam upon their favourite discovery.

A community of small shrimp, wearing Gatorade bottle caps as little hats, were walking along the seabed on their little legs. “The caps rested perfectly on their little heads like a cowboy hat,” Syreni said.

Pirata noted that one shrimp wore a green Sprite pop cap instead, like a jaunty beret or newsboy cap, and walked far behind the group, ostracized by the others.

“I wished so deeply in that moment to have the right piece of trash for that sad invertebrae,” she said.

Though the researchers wished to explore more, they had to begin their ascent to keep their oxygen levels in the green.

What’s next?

Due to the immense difference in water pressure, no creatures could be brought up to the surface right away. However, scientists plan to lower a pressurized chamber in their next dive to hopefully bring up and study some of the marine life they discovered—particularly the shrimp in the green bottle cap hat, since no one was treating him well anyway.

This would allow him to return to the other shrimp with a wild story and be very cool.

Syreni said the team hopes to write an academic paper or something on their expedition, and Pirata mentioned she is looking to analyze the dive stats and findings to look into the lasting effects of nitrogen narcosis.

“We are thinking next time we stay for a week to make more conclusive findings,” Pirata said. Syreni added: “I’m thinking we stay forever, FISH RAVE HERE I COME!”

8 | human nature

Can’t find the words? Say it with flowers!

Words by Alexandra Holyk | Illustration by Michelle Parlevliet A picture may be worth a thousand words, but flowers are worth 1,001.

You can never go wrong with a generic grocery store bouquet or Edible Arrangement, but why not step it up a notch by channelling all your emotions, words and actions into a couple of stems and petals that will look incredible for at least two whole days?

Check out this guide to discover what flowers you should use for those typical day-to-day scenarios where a box of chocolates just doesn’t make sense.

When her birthday rolls around, you wonder if you should get her a gift even if you’re not official; after all, you don’t want to come off too strong. Still want to keep her around, though? Get her a $4.99 assorted bouquet of half-dead orange-yellow roses from your local Walmart—does half-dead = halfoff?—along with a card that says: “To my special friend.” While orange roses represent passion and desire, offsetting the intensity with yellow indicates that you still want to just Your-girlfriend-who’s-not-your- be friends. Make sure to leave the girlfriend-but-acts-like-your- price sticker on to let her know how girlfriend-without-the-label’s much she’s worth to you. birthday You’ve been having sex for three Your thrice-divorced aunt who months now and neither of you are refers to herself as ‘the young, seeing other people, but you’re just fun, hot, single one’ is now in not emotionally stable enough to her late 50s and is in the hospital be in a committed relationship yet. recovering from a hip replace-

ment surgery after trying to throw it back Aunt Linda thinks she’s still submissive and breedable, but the only thing she’s submitting herself to is the emergency room. When you visit her in the hospital, bring her an orchid.

Not only is this one of the most common flowers gifted to patients, but orchids also represent love, beauty and strength. So make sure you tell that to Aunt Linda when she’s hitting on the young male nurse while simultaneously needing someone to hold back her hospital gown while she goes to the bathroom. That being said, feel free to opt for a bouquet of hydrangeas instead—these flowers are known to require a lot of water, so just like Aunt Linda, they’re thirsty.

Your boyfriend from preschool who invited you to his wedding and slid into your DMs the night before the ceremony asking: ‘U up?’

Men deserve flowers too. But when they’re dirty cheating dogs, send them a bouquet of lime blossoms, otherwise known as Tilia flowers.

These represent fornication and can be used if you’re trying to call someone out for being unfaithful. The leaves of these plants can also be used for tea, which will be piping hot when you tell the OG group chat what Jordan from Miss M’s pre-K class sent you.

Your high school acquaintance who appears to be involved in a multi-level marketing scheme and invited you to their horsethemed baby shower Picture this: you’re standing in the middle of a field, surrounded by upside down troughs for tables and hay bales as chairs. The place settings have fork-sized pitchforks and origami napkins shaped like mini cowboy hats. “Don’t you just love these mini pitchforks?” your high school acquaintance asks you as her eyes widen and she slowly starts approaching you from the nearby corn maze. “These are great to use when mixing up your completely vegan Pea Perfect protein shake with 20 minerals from Yardone for their 30 days to Be Healthy program. You should try it sometime!” She inches closer, so now’s the perfect time to hand off your gift. In an authentic cowboy boot, you’ve put together a bouquet of daffodils, otherwise known as ​​Narcissus, to appeal to her narcissistic personality. However, since daffodils can also mean a feeling of appreciation, you included them to boost her ego and let her know how grateful you are for being part of this really weird but predictable chapter in her life. You also threw some wildflowers in there to echo her wild spirit and match the wildflower tattoo on her wrist that she got with the rest of her Yardone sisters. Unable to

ode to my father’s garden - abbey kelley my father knelt and picked weeds like they were flowers of their own entombed in his costco compost bin to come back as soil laid to rest in the garden bed harvest was bitter but tomatoes sweet he was the sun in summers he gave the plants everything water fertilizer worms insurance benefits eggshells tiny hats to shelter them from rain and the plants were everything to him autumn fell and life wilted in winter, both were ice it melts again, every year and every summer, he was the sun

Illustration by Isela Gomez

contain her excitement, she snorts, then proceeds to get on all fours, boot-quet in mouth and gallops to the head table to show her plaid-clad baby daddy. Giddy up, you think.

Your elementary school bully who picked on you because you were ugly but as soon as you had your glow-up she told everyone you were best friends, and now that you’re hot and she’s not she invited you out to lunch to ‘catch up bestie!’

Nothing screams ‘leave me alone’ like a bouquet of weeds disguised as pretty flowers. Throw together some butterfly weeds—which give off ‘you’ve been warned’ vibes—and buttercups, because this is some childish behaviour. If you want to add some pops of darkness and doom, include the negative energy of black dahlias.

The bouquet itself will emulate the raging fire within her when she sees you #girlbossing and #slaying.

That one guy at the club that maintained intense eye contact with you while he took a shot of tequila and put the whole lime into his mouth, only to smile and reveal the lime skin covering his teeth, after which he winks at you and asks for your number A single red rose, placed in between your teeth.

human nature | 9

Immerse yourself in Toronto with this guided meditation to it, your smoke-filled airway will learn to stop itself from suffocation.

If you feel your throat start to close Today’s meditation is intended for up, envision a world where your you to fully immerse yourself in throat and body do not react viothe tranquility of Yonge-Dundas lently to external life stressors.

Square. Our mindfulness classes have been carefully curated to help Whether they’re you achieve the highest possible frequency of your spiritual resonance. thrusting a pamphlet Find a comfortable pothole to about climate change sit in. Gently close your eyes, and in your hands or breathe deeply into the wet, muddy pothole aura. Stay rooted in the huit’s just the Believe mility underneath.

Guy, remain in your Now, let’s slowly rise up and peaceful mindset climb out of the pothole.

We’ll start our practice by taking a deep breath and inhaling the rotten As we begin our meditation walk, egg fragrance wafting upwards from remember to keep your helmet senearby open sewers. Exhale; on cured on your head for protection your next breath, embrace the scent against pigeons’ excrement and othof sweat and weed lingering on the er falling debris. Please also keep in street. Position yourself to stand be- mind that we’re not feeding any pihind a Tokyo Smoke customer for geons along the way, as downtown our daily dose of second-hand ciga- birds have extremely strict diets rette smoke. As the fumes fill your consisting of plastic bottle caps and nostrils, hold your breath right here AA batteries fed exclusively to them and resist the urge to cough. by the City of Toronto.

Our practice is all about mental Now bring yourself to a peaceful strength. Once you put your mind state of mind. Find your pocket of Words by Naomi Chen | Illustration by Laila Amer

peace underneath this towering crane.

As the crane slightly wavers in the cool winds, sway with it to harmonize with your surroundings.

Remember that throughout our meditation, if your mind wanders elsewhere, whether it be a beach, the park or the yoga studio, bring it right back to Yonge-Dundas Square.

The law of attraction states that spiritual beings draw on a diverse set of experiences close to them. As you channel your inner strengths, you may notice that we as a spiritual group are attracting things to our tour. This includes both good and bad energies, but by the end of this meditation, you will be equipped with the mental strength to repel the negativity away.

Here begins the law of attraction. Embrace the uncomfortable sensation knowing that other individuals are approaching with negativity. Whatever their query, whether they’re thrusting a pamphlet about climate change in your hands or it’s just the Believe Guy, remain in your peaceful mindset.

Simply acknowledge these voices; acknowledge that you heard them

and allow the voices to pass right through your brain.

We’re going to take three deep breaths. Breathe in, hold for five seconds; and as you exhale, feel the negativity exiting with your mouth.

When you open your eyes, you may still feel distracted from your practice, and that’s OK. Coexist with distractions and remind yourself of the power of your mental strength.

To conclude our meditation, we’re going to practice gratitude. What are you grateful for in your life? As your group leader, I am thankful for the expensive fees you pay for this class.

I’m thankful for the diversity of our city, accessibility of support and in-

clusivity of Torontonians.

As you move on with your day, I encourage you to leave a review on our exclusive Yelp page, as we have found our exclusive client base is more likely to peruse Yelp than Google Reviews. You can also spread the word by telling a friend about our practice, which will give both the new member and yourself a generous 0.10 per cent discount on your next meditation.

Last deep breath in and out...and we’re finished. Thank you for joining me this morning; please leave your excrement-infused helmet in the bucket behind you for the next group of spiritual learners.

Biological clock ticking as women debate becoming plant moms

Words by Ishitaa Chopra | Illustration by Laila Amer Last Tuesday, I walked into a plant nursery in downtown Toronto looking for a money plant for my newly furnished apartment. I went up to the counter, hoping this money plant could potentially pay for itself. The customer ahead of me was working through a series of questions that caught my attention. “Have you nurtured this bud since it was a seedling?”

I could hear her asking.

I looked behind me and the queue

had already been filled with several people carrying various species of plants as if they were babies, balancing them on their waists while caressing their leaves.

The clerk, growing tired of the woman’s questions, told her that he would attend to her later. The woman rolled her eyes and carried her Golden Devil’s Ivy to the side. I quit the line and approached her, hoping to make use of my journalistic abilities.

Asha Lilac, a young plant mom, was about to adopt a new child and welcome it into her home.

“I have about nine plants back home. They are all the apples of my eyes, especially my Dwarf Ming Aralia, Barberton Daisy and Birds of Paradise,” she said, as she pulled out her phone filled with pictures of her plants.

As her fingers glided over the glass screen, I could only see a blur of bright colours and feel her judging my poor choice in picking a money plant.

My eyes wandered upon my plant and I thought to myself how much work it is taking care of a single plant, let alone nine.

Lilac said her plant mom lifestyle stresses her out 24/7. “At first, I wasn’t giving them the right fertilizer for their age group or the right temperature of water,” she said. “You have to be careful about those things.

My babies only drink spring water.”

“When I first became interested in plants, I was so nervous because I was not financially independent then,” she continued. “I thought taking care of a plant that early in my career could destroy my job prospects.”

As a single plant mom, Lilac said she faces judgement from society.

“Sure, if you’re a couple, everyone thinks it’s cute to get a jade plant, but if you’re single, you just seem to

be handling it all alone,” she said. “I mean, it is a lot of work to be the only one changing its fertilizers.”

Lilac said her life changed when her mom gifted her her first plant, whom she calls Jon Snow, during the first snowfall in December 2018.

“When she got me Jon, I thought: That’s it, my life is ruined,” Lilac said. “But Jon made me a better person. I just want to be with him all the time. I’m so happy that I didn’t decide to return him.”

“She always had a big heart, no wonder she adopted more plants” A huge struggle of being a plant mom for Lilac is that leisure time becomes virtually nonexistent. “I still try to take some time for myself, but I feel really guilty about it,” she said. “When I go on vacation though, my mom takes care of her grandchildren.”

Soon enough, her mother, Mrs. Karen Lilac, entered the plant nursery pushing an empty stroller. Her daughter gently nestled her golden pothos in the seat, adjusting the belt over its leaves. I took this opportunity to dig further into what was

happening. Are women now choosing plants over children?

“I thought giving her a plant was one of the worst decisions I could have made. She’s 21 years old, she’s still young,” Karen said. “Taking care of a plant is a full-time job.”

“She always had a big heart, no wonder she adopted more plants,” she continued. Karen is an experienced plant mom herself, having grown 23 plants and one daughter.

Deep into the conversation, I could feel someone’s eyes on us. I turned around to see a young woman holding her plant in the same way I was, carelessly against her chest, slightly compressing the leaves.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but taking care of plants sounds so stressful. I mean, I’m a new mom myself,” she said hesitantly. “I’m really scared, I know you can photo sympathize,” she continued, as she passed a wink to the Lilacs, who immediately encircled her, cooing over her Asparagus Fern.

As I listened to these women, I looked down at my money plant and wondered: Am I ready to commit to this? After gazing at it for a few moments, I realized I can’t even commit to a dating app, let alone a plant. I slowly backed away from the women, placed the plant back on its shelf, bid it farewell and grabbed an artificial succulent.

10 | human nature

Your pets would really appreciate some space, thank you Words by Karly Benson | Illustrations by Jes Mason and Laila Amer I used to spend my mornings roaming around my owner’s condo in silence, left with nothing but peace and tranquility. Sure, space is tight, but I’ve discovered every nook, cranny and dusty corner that’s the perfect setting to accompany my naps and scheduled bathings. I had always felt as though I was living on a cloud, floating high in the Toronto sky without a care in the world. Until my owner started working remotely.

I didn’t think much of it at first; in fact, I thought I might like the additional company and cuddles. Within a couple days, he had moved his creaky desk set-up into the den that I loved so much and shut his bedroom door behind him.

Things ran smoothly for a week or two, until my owner made the egotistical assumption that I wanted to be in the room with him 24/7 while he was working. He shifted my beloved pillowy cat bed into the den along with the rest of my toys and dignity. I have never felt such claustrophobia in my life. After so many years together, I thought we were the perfect match; now, my mind is polluted with dark thoughts.

A year and a half later, there’s nothing I want more than for my owner to leave to go to Whole Foods and never return.

“Emotional dumping and catastrophic clinginess causes turmoil for many animals” Whether it’s family stress, a condescending boss or the effects of a recent breakup, pets often serve as the emotionally supportive best friend that’s always there to listen to their humans. However, selfcentred owners are quick to assume that the pet they love so much, loves them equally in return.

While a cuddle at night or quick conversation with them at dinner is reasonable, many owners take it upon themselves to impose their entire life’s details on their poor pets.

Animal psychologist and rat snake owner Linda Parakeet said an over-attentive owner can cause severe psychological stress to household pets, who need the boundary of their own downtime.

“Emotional dumping and catastrophic clinginess causes turmoil for many animals, who find themselves caught between their love for their owner and their desperate

desire to be left alone indefinitely,” she explains.

All this time, I had wondered whether I was the weird one for not being able to tolerate my owner’s incessant neediness. But Parakeet made me realize that a lot of other household pets feel the same way.

When Dino, a five-year-old bearded dragon, was brought home from an Oakville PetSmart as a baby, he was incredibly excited. His owner Herbie was a single man whose greatest passions were dinosaurs and sudoku.

Initially, Herbie was deeply respectful of Dino’s me-time.

“My terrarium was euphoric,” Dino recalls. “My bowl was always filled and the only time I had to deal with my owner was when he was frustrated over a sudoku game.

Luckily, those outbursts of rage never lasted long.”

Your pet almost certainly can’t take it anymore Unfortunately for Dino, everything changed after the perpetually single Herbie found his perfect match on Bumble. Shortly after being introduced to his owner’s new partner, Bonnie, Dino soon found himself being referred to as their “child,” their “perfect baby boy” and, occasionally, their “little peanut.” In addition to these new names, the couple also started taking Dino out of his enclosure to spend more time

with them, cramped on their white Ikea loveseat as a family. After years of independence, he says the constant affection has become too much for him.

Dino, who is consistently hungry at exactly 6 p.m. and doesn’t enjoy the “unsophistication” of reality TV, has had to undergo massive shifts in dynamics since becoming the centrepiece of a couple madly in love. His owners have now included him in their weekly Monday night viewings of The Bachelor, pushing his nightly feeding time back a few hours so that the “wholesome family” can eat together and bond over feeling superior to the desperate contestants.

“Sometimes they even ask me who I think will get the rose that week, as if I’ve been listening at all,” Dino laments.

For some pets, reality TV and copious amounts of “bonding time” may seem like a paradise. But others, like Dino, are not as lucky and are forced to go the extra mile for their owner without their consent.

“I just want my personal boundaries to be respected. Just because I’m a bearded dragon, doesn’t mean I’m their ‘little peanut’ that no longer needs me-time,” he says.

Last Halloween, one-year-old mouse Nibbles was too small to fit into a Halloween costume. Instead of dressing up together, Nibbles and her owner, Lizzie, stayed home and ate copious amounts of sunflower seeds and mini Kit Kat bars

while watching Halloweentown II: Kalabar’s Revenge.

This Halloween, however, Lizzie has made the spontaneous and unwavering decision that Nibbles will be dressing up as a block of cheddar cheese.

“She thinks it’s so ironic and hilarious but the costume is so heavy and hot,” says Nibbles. To make matters worse, Lizzie has decided to go a step further and find an accompanying cracker costume so the pair can hit their hometown of Richmond Hill as cheese and crackers.

“It’s not that I’m totally against it,” Nibbles explains. “I get that she doesn’t have many friends. I just think she’s a bit old to be dressing up anyways.”

“My boundaries were completely thrown out the door” Nibbles says her relationship with her owner has been incredibly codependent since Lizzie moved to downtown Toronto for university two years ago. The pair have been inseparable, dealing with all of life’s challenges together and keeping each other company during many lonely nights.

But just like Lizzie, Nibbles has grown up since they first moved away together and has begun to establish her own sense of independence. Dressing up for Halloween feels very juvenile for the maturing mouse, especially when accompanied by her overly-attached cracker.

“My boundaries were completely

thrown out the door, alongside any consideration for the fact that I don’t even really like cheddar cheese,” Nibbles says. “I would much rather be a buttery brie.”

As I try to cope with over-exposure to my own owner, I find myself chewing on any loose cords I can find and scratching the sofa with my claws until the stuffing pokes out. I expected him to be angry after I destroyed his third pair of headphones, but my owner doesn’t seem to be getting the hint. I’m exhausted trying to make him notice my frustration and even more exhausted scratching the sofa during every waking hour. I wish things would go back to the way they were, when I was alone and my owner was far, far away.

The harsh reality that your beloved companion may not love you as much as you thought can be crushing. Amidst the drama and chaos of life, having someone there for you whenever you need is comforting. Nevertheless, your pet almost certainly can’t take it anymore.

As easy as it is to turn their meows, barks, croaks or squeaks into signs of admiration, take a step back and reconsider before you push them to the breaking point. Do they want to watch you work at your desk for eight hours? Do they really care if Jessica gets the rose? Do they enjoy wearing itchy, acrylic Halloween costumes? And, most importantly, have you given them any alone time this week?

human nature | 11

Help! I want to escape capitalism and become a forest fairy!

Words by Alexandra Clelland Visuals by Laila Amer The Eyeopener’s columnist Alex Clelland gives students advice once every five years when the crest of the moon shines brighter than the Ursa Major. Please mail in your questions

You can’t live off the Instagram grid for three days and call it a detox.

I say, why not go the extra mile and live your best life in the woods?

Ditch the internet entirely. Who needs plumbing anyway? Maybe you can even snag a hot fairy boyfriend in the bushes behind your local Circle K convenience store.

Why not go the extra mile and live your best life in the woods?

Dear Alex, I’m so overwhelmed with the toxic demands of our capitalist society. I think it’s time for me to quit my job, drop out of school and become a hermit that lives in the woods. Any survival tips?

I totally understand where your

Dear Aspiring Forest Fairy, You’ve come to the right place.

I like to consider myself an expert in survival thanks to National Geographic, the hot guy at my local Canadian Tire who taught me about jumper cables and that interactive Bear Grylls Netflix show where you make important decisions to keep Grylls alive. (He totally lived to see another day under my watch.)

You’re also in luck because spicy fairy erotica has been trending on social media lately—shout out to TikTok for the steamy book recommendations, so fairy escapism is so in right now. That being said, there’s nothing I hate more than seeing someone announce they’re ‘taking a break from social media,’ only to return three days later.

a never-ending strain on our society that has cruelly and inescapably forced us to live under the boot of the corporate bourgeois elite. I’m definitely not buying another pair of shoes on Amazon as I write this.

But we’ve all been there. Getting overwhelmed by society’s expectations is practically human nature with everything going on in our lives.

There’s nothing quite like a stress-fuelled mental breakdown in the middle of the night where you question every life decision you’ve made up until this point. Although my breakdowns usually end with me lusting over Expedia packages in Italy so I can live out my Romeo and Juliet fantasies (minus the melodramatic deaths).

If you’re truly dead set on leaving it all behind and ready to trade electricity for campfires and toilet paper

Love, Aspiring Forest Fairy stress is coming from. Capitalism is

for tree leaves, go for it! Human beings all survived in the woods at some point in history, so how hard can it be? Somewhere buried within all of us exists the instincts we relied on for hundreds of thousands of years, before the invention of Keurig coffee machines.

So let’s get started with some essential survival tips to get in touch with your prehistoric ancestors: Tip #1: Pack lightly Nobody wants to ruin their best clothes by hanging out in a dirty forest. Leave your Lululemon leggings and Patagonia jacket behind and opt for clothes you don’t mind ruining when you inevitably sleep on the cold, muddy ground. It’s key that you pack only the essentials so that when you ultimately decide you miss your bed, heating and clean water, there’s less stuff to embarrassingly lug back home. Note: This is especially important for when you end up fleeing from a pack of coyotes in the middle of the night.

Tip #2: Stay hydrated Since you’ll be packing lightly, you'll probably be leaving your several moisturizers and serums at home.

The only way you’ll take care of your complexion during this adventure in the woods is with plenty of water. Remember to BYOB (bring your own bucket) to catch some rainwater or just stock up on some

Dasani at the Circle K. I know: But, Alex, what about the environment?

Listen, when you’re dying of dehydration in the middle of the forest, beggars can’t be choosers. However, beggars can choose a good bottled water brand, and you wouldn’t catch me dead drinking Nestlé Pure Life.

ally great metaphor for burning the bridges of your past life as a capitalistic slave. And isn’t that what this whole adventure is really about?

Intense symbolism. Even in your darkest moments, when the fire has gone out and your only possessions are your thoughts, you can comfort yourself with the fact that you’re being so deep right now.

I hope these tips helped your plight, Aspiring Forest Fairy. Remember to trust your instincts, stay hydrated and curse Jeff Bezos for your disillusionment. When all else fails, remember this will all make a great storytime video on TikTok. Love, Alex

Tip #3: Know how to build a fire to burn evidence of all your online shopping. And, you know, to survive and stuff The cavemen discovered the existence of fire for a reason, and there’s nothing cute about freezing to death. Whether you’re roasting some foraged nuts over the flame or burning your Amazon receipts to really stick it to the man, fire is This column is brought to you by essential for survival. Plus, it’s a re- Dasani and Circle K.

Mother Nature counting down Doomsday Clock ‘til she’s an empty nester Words by Mariam Nouser Illustration by Jes Mason The state of the world right now is tough for me to face. Well, it’s always been a lot to handle; I’m a mom to almost 8 billion humans and millions of other species who like to kill and/or eat each other, so my home life is pretty rough.

Some days I just don’t want to be a mom anymore, you know? I hear other moms say they miss their kids

when they drop them off to daycare for a few hours a day, but I don’t. In fact, I’m so freaking excited whenever one of my children doesn’t need me anymore. Every time one of them goes gently into that good night, I am so happy. The less of my kids I have to deal with, the better.

What’s even more annoying is when these same moms bawl their eyes out when their kid moves out for college. You’ve only had to deal with them for 18 years; how is that

even a long time?! Why don’t these whiny moms try 4.5 billion years (and counting) of existence. I don’t get a single break, and every time I turn around, one part of my home— a.k.a. the Earth—is up in flames. I’m talking legit wildfires, not those stovetop grease fires in what you Instagram mommies call your houses.

I’ve spent 300,000-plus years cleaning up after humans’ messes.

Like, there’s legit shit everywhere I walk. Seriously guys, you don’t need

to compost so much. My plant nutrients are perfectly fine.

On top of that, I miss my old life before becoming a mother. My friends don’t understand because all of them are mammoths that died thousands of years ago, so I really don’t know how to talk to them.

Or, they’re so far away in the galaxy, because they had the fortune of being saddled with a different planet, that I have no way of reaching them.

Mommying is hard y’all, I won’t lie. Other parents love to shove their ideals down your throats and all your kids do is blame you for their problems. Like, everyone loves to say they have ‘seasonal depression.’ Why are you bringing ME into this? Don’t you know how hard I work to bring some variety to your life? So ungrateful. I could wipe you and your entire family out like that, with my crying outburststurned-hurricanes and raging fitsturned powerful tornados.

You think you’ve got it hard? Try having a house so big you barely know each of your children.

Who am I kidding? When I started noticing my human children were messing around with the cli-

mate post-industrial revolution, I was really upset and disappointed at first. But then I realized it’s the perfect out for me; I won’t have to deal with them ever again, and it won’t even be my fault. So now, I’m kicking off the Final Countdown.

The way I see it, I’ve earned my empty nest. Sometimes, I look at my kids and I can’t believe how many of them turned out to be annoying little shits who do nothing productive while playing video games and binging on Cheetos and Red Bull. I mean, go outside.

Touch grass for once. Look at all this amazing food I grow on the ground, on trees, bushes, in the water, literally everywhere you can look—for free.

But no. They all want Cheetos and Red Bull.

While I sit and wait for the day that comes where I can drop the ‘Mother’ and just be Nature again, I fantasize about the first thing I’ll do: I’ll make every sea as salty as the Dead Sea so I can lounge in the water and cleanse all my pores. After that, I’ll float around for hours, sipping Merlot, and won’t hear a single peep from anyone.

human nature | 12

https://www. theblogofgenesis.com/noahs-ark-exclusive/

EXCLUSIVE: HUMANS WERE NEVER MEANT TO BE ON NOAH’S ARK!!!!

Words by Maya Al Afghani Illustration by Vedangi Patel

This is KAH-RAZY, y’all!

In a juicy new The Notorious G.O.D. podcast episode, our all-seeing and all-powerful God revealed that humans were never actually meant to be on Noah’s Ark. We’ve got all the deets, including exclusive interviews with God’s closest angels.

According to God, the Ark had a set “guest list” of who was allowed on board and who wasn’t. So how did humans come to be? The memory is as fresh as yesterday, He recalled:

of the Universe continued: “At first, I was seriously considering saying no. Like, did he really expect me to allow humans onto here? But then I thought to myself: ‘Hey, he’s a good kid, and one hell of a party-planner, so why not?’ If only I had known then how scummy you humans would turn out to be. I’ve regretted my decision ever since!”

In the same podcast episode, titled “Noah’s Ark Was a Mistake: My Thoughts on Car Keys, Pandas and Humanity,” God also described his original plan for Earth after the Great Flood. He shared:

While it seemed like this revelation (pun not intended) came out of nowhere, God’s beef with humans has actually been around for a hot minute, according to God’s righthand angel who asked to remain anonymous for fear of Divine Intervention:

“It was a frosty morning in 3950 BCE, and the Ark was pretty much the hottest place to be. All my favourite species were “The funny thing is, I actually wanted to on board getting turnt, pretty much every turn this planet into a massive zoo, the way I “He’s always ranting about how much He species I’ve ever created—with the exception did with Saturn. Like, every continent would can’t stand you humans. Like, last week, I was of humans. The flood hadn’t started yet, but be dedicated to a certain group of animals, explaining to Him what minions were, and I I knew it was coming soon.” and we would have carnival rides for my swear He was this close to smiting all of you. It posse and I. It was going to be so good and was honestly hilarious.”

Then, God described how, out of no- then I ruined it! My therapist says it’s because where, Noah showed up with his family, I have a self-destructive streak, but that’s a Apparently, God couldn’t believe the Deasking when he could get on. The Creator whole other can of worms...” spicable Me movie franchise warranted a cin-

ematic universe expansion with the Minions solo movie, released in 2015 featuring Sandra Bullock. The angel continued: “He kept ranting about ‘the ugly yellow toddlers’ and couldn’t believe there’s gonna be a Minions sequel released next year. The only thing that kept Him in check was the hope that you guys are dooming yourselves with this whole global warming thing!”

Obviously things didn’t work out the way God intended, but we’re glad He’s finally speaking His truth. Thoughts, dear readers?

Sound OFF in the comments below!

Press Release: Calgary oil & gas company announces green strategy Words by Charlize Alcaraz Illustration by Abeer Khan Oxsmol Energy, a Calgary-based oil and gas company, is celebrating 100 impactful years of powering the world.

To mark this milestone, Oxsmol Energy is launching York Oxsmol, a research hub based in Toronto, dedicated to oil spill clean up innovation and developing technologies to cleanly extract oil from its source without spilling any.

Founded in 1921, Oxsmol Energy was the brainchild of Mike Oxsmol, a lab technician and former circus performer, who found a strange liquid floating on an unknown pond in Alberta. A budding scientist, Oxsmol collected a sample of the substance and took it home with him to his lab.

A prolific smoker as well, Mike accidentally set fire to the liquid while taking a smoke break

and realized it would make an excellent power source for cigarette lighters. He employed his friend Kenneth Breed, an expert salt driller, to supervise the first drilling operations of Oxsmol Energy under the unknown pond.

Since its incorporation, Oxsmol has expanded to fuel hospitals, farms, travelling circuses and millions of homes across the world.

The company has also become a leader in protecting the environment, immediately deploying our world-renowned technologies to clean up each of the 67 oil spills we’ve had over the last 80 years.

York Oxsmol’s team of engineers, lawyers and manufacturers will drive the company forward in its green strategy.

“We see huge potential for making oil drilling a cleaner and safer process,” said Bob Loblaw, current CEO of Oxsmol Energy.

“York Oxsmol—made up of hungry unpaid

interns with a lot to prove—will drive the future of tomorrow.”

Oxsmol Energy’s latest green innovation was drilling a higher number of skinny oil wells in oil sands. This is significantly less harmful than drilling fewer, but wider, oil wells.

The company also established a Post-Mortem Sushi Task Force, composed of several divers who extract deceased marine life from where we construct Oxsmol oil rigs. This operation allows the surviving fish to not get depressed from witnessing the noble sacrifice of their friends.

“We see huge potential for making oil drilling a cleaner and safer process” Oxsmol Energy’s commitment to mental health initiatives doesn’t stop there. Our efforts to promote a culture of wellness extends to our offices in Calgary, where Loblaw often invites his baby golden retriever to play with our employees.

In March, the Government of Canada committed $300 million to fund Oxsmol Energy’s expansion throughout the country. The company had previously only operated offshore oil drilling projects outside of Canada, but after unsuccessful attempts in finding potential drilling sites that aren’t already owned by Oxsmol Energy, the company has no choice but to bring its world-class tech home.

Oxsmol Energy’s achievements are made possible because of our 14,000 dedicated oil

rig workers stationed in all seven seas and on all seven continents. For Oxsmol’s big 100, they will receive a canvas tote bag filled with a number of gifts to show our appreciation.

Among them include disposable face masks, a mason jar embossed with the famous Oxsmol ox logo and metal straws.

More details about York Oxsmol and Oxsmol Energy’s future green strategy projects will be announced at the signing of the London International Green Movement Agreement (LIGMA) in December where Loblaw will be representing Oxsmol.

“We’re joining this deal because it’s the right thing to do,” said Loblaw. “We only have one Earth,” he continued, adding that his announced partnership with SpaceX to find oil drilling sites on Mars will officially launch on International Earth Day in April.

Over 30 countries are expected to participate in LIGMA, where oil and gas industry leaders will take an oath to ban the use of printed receipts in all their company operations. In the agreement, companies are only allowed to email their customers proof of purchase to reduce the amount of paper waste they produce annually.

According to Aima Frod, an American scientist involved with LIGMA, 85 million tonnes of paper-based receipts are dumped in landfills every year and are often burned.

“Some of the chemicals contained in paper products, once set on fire, can cause detrimental effects to the environment,” Frod said. “By reducing the amount of paper you use, we may have a chance to prevent global warming.”