Defence minister disrupted by protester at democracy forum on campus
By Prapti BamaniyaA protester interrupted Canada’s defence minister Anita Anand at a democracy forum on Oct. 21 held on Toronto Metropolitan University ‘s (TMU) campus.
The forum, called “Defending De mocracies” hosted by umnist Martin Regg Cohn, discussed Canada’s contribution to defending democracies, the war in Ukraine and threats of nuclear war in Europe.
With TMU president Mohamed Lachemi in attendence, halfway through the event, a protester stood up in front of the stage with a ban ner that read: “Stop the war, peace in Ukraine, stop lying, stop sending weapons, stop NATO.”
Anand asked to see the sign, as the protester inched closer toward Anand and Cohn.
“Thank you for sharing that with me,” said Anand to the protester. “I want to say that the aid that we have sent to Ukraine is aid that is in sup port of democracy and sovereignty and rules-based international or der—that same order that has kept you, everyone in this room and our country safe since the end of the Second World War.”
Shortly after the interruption, Anand took a break and security at the forum asked the protestor to sit down.
Anand returned about 10 minutes later and continued forward with the conversation.
“Well, it’s important in democ racy for there to be a full airing of voices and views,” she said.
“That’s exactly what happened to day and so I am completely accept ing of democracy.”
Regg Cohn said he wasn’t sur prised by the interruption.
“There’s always a tension when you’re having a public event—be tween letting people have their say in a democracy but also not shutting people down or trying to shut peo ple down because it’s not fair.”
Fourth-year politics and gover nance student Gabe Eduardo, whose
parents came to Canada due to con flict in their home country, said the points the protester had on war were valid.
“Because it is democracy, you can’t just kick somebody out for voicing their opinion,” he said.
Liam Iannarelli, a fourth-year criminology student said while vio lence is inarguably unfavourable, this fight can lead to a change.
“I think that defending democra cy and also defending the lives, the livelihoods and the dignity of Ukrai nian people is worth a fight. I think some things are worth the fight and fighting is violence.”
Iannarelli thought the obstruc tion was managed well.
“They took a break when it was indignant,” he said.
“It was handled really well and because it is a democracy, you can’t just kick somebody out for voicing their opinion.”
It was Iannarelli’s first democracy forum and he said he would return for another one. “It was very infor mative and it’s cool that they would just let students like us go and be in volved in such an important topic.”
Dante Hayes, a fourth-year poli tics and governance student, said he felt the same way.
“I think it’s free and I’m fucking chilling anyways, so why not?”
Anand and Regg Cohn both said in interviews after the forum that they would return to TMU for an other event, despite the interrup tion. “This would never stop us,” said Regg Cohn. “What we saw upstairs is show business, but the business of democracy is really im portant and the show must go on.”
“People can make a point, and we let the person make the point with protests. But that doesn’t mean that they can stop us from doing what we’re here for,” said Regg Cohn.
The event was sponsored by TMU’s faculty of arts and was held in the Sears Atrium at the George Vari Engineering and Computing Centre on campus.
Only one student shows up to TMSU’s commuter town hall
By Kinda KakouniOnly one student showed up to the Toronto Metropolitan Students’ Union’s (TMSU) commuter town hall held on Oct. 19.
The town hall was set to discuss various commuter concerns such as the possibility of getting discounted transit passes, increasing designated napping spaces on campus and elim inating 8 a.m. classes.
The town hall proceeded with a writer from The Eyeopener, a single audience member who tuned in via Zoom, vice-president education Nathan Sugunalan and communi cations coordinator David Jardine.
TMSU president Marina Gerges also showed up at the end of the town hall to check-in.
At the beginning of the meeting, Sugunalan explained that the town hall was “for the students” to “give an overview of how [the TMSU] see[s] things.”
Sugunalan added that this was an opportunity for the TMSU to “touch base with membership and see where everyone is at,” with the goal of creating a road map for fu ture administrations to create a stu dent transit pass.
During the town hall, Jardine and
Sugunalan discussed the barriers in place for getting students discounted transit, particularly due to GO Tran sit’s “fervent” rejections of any pro posed student discounts, often citing that it already has student discounts.
is our first event in [person] of the year, so yeah, we’re learning.”
The Eye also took to Gould Street and asked 50 Toronto Metropolitan University students whether they’d heard about the meeting and all said they hadn’t.
tain fees that had previously been deemed mandatory.
In November of that same year, the SCI was ruled to be unlawful in a unanimous Ontario Divisional Court ruling.
Edward “The Bomb! ” Djan Thea “No More Law School Ap plications??? Gribilas Prapti “Out Of Pocket” Bamaniya
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Currently, GO Transit has a stu dent discount that offers students 40 per cent off the regularly priced adult fare.
An added barrier, according to Sugunalan, is that there needs to be a time frame of about five years in between referendums. However, The Eye could not independently verify this information.
When asked about her reaction to the turnout, Gerges explained that she is “disappointed but [the turnout was] kind of expected,” due to the busyness of midterm season for students. “We’re just going to do better in terms of promoting every event,” said Gerges, “Everything that we have, we have to make sure that students know what we have going on.”
In the meeting, Jardine said, “This
This wasn’t the first time the school and the union attempted to create a transit discount for stu dents. Between 2017 and 2018, the then-TMSU executive team was involved with the referendum for a transit pass, known as the RU-Pass.
As previously reported by The Eye, the RU-Pass would cost stu dents $70 per month. The Toronto Transit Commission approved the creation of the framework necessary for the implementation of the RUPass in December 2017.
Subsequently, a referendum was successfully held in November 2018 and the school announced that the RU-Pass would be administered for the first time in fall 2019. However, the school said it would not be ad ministering the RU-Pass following the release of the Student Choice Initiative (SCI).
Introduced by the provincial government in January 2019, the SCI‘s goal was to give students the opportunity to opt-out of cer
During the town hall, newly-ap pointed vice-president education Sugunalan said that in the 201718 year, the then-vice-president education “wasn’t able to feet this motion within their term, so the plan was sent over to the next [vice-president] education. Unfor tunately, the [vice-president] edu cation wasn’t necessarily up to par for the task at hand.”
Also raised at the meeting was the concern of 8 a.m. classes for commuter students and some cre ative solutions to this problem, like live-streaming or hybrid options classes online.
“We’re the students’ union,” said Jardine. “Most of the people who work in and around us are either students or have recently been stu dents and so we think [those op tions] are great solutions.”
However, they added that “The university doesn’t share that senti ment” and regardless of the unions’ opinions, the school needs to be “on board.”
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“[I’m] disappointed but [the turnout was] kind of expected”
PRAPTI BAMANIYA/ THE EYEOPENER Editor-in-Chief Abeer “Birthday Boss” Khan News
Advice Column: Am I becoming hotter or just pettier?
Paloma Torres answers the age-old question constantly on everyone’s minds
By Paloma Torres
Going through a breakup? She’ll get you over them. Friends bailed on plans? She’ll show you how to slay all the haters. With tons of life experi ence and a huge wealth of knowledge, Paloma knows it all and is beyond qualified to help you with all of your life problems. So go ahead, ask Palo ma your questions and she’ll teach you how to be a boss just like her.
Dear Paloma,
I’ve noticed my attitude just hasn’t been the vibe lately. Yesterday, I totally lost it at a restaurant because my pasta was only 18 C, which is two degrees be low normal room temperature—like two degrees! How could they?
And just last week, I gave my partner the silent treatment for not answering all I seem to do is hard-block people left and right, foregoing the soft-block alto gether. If I’m not doing that, I leave rude comments with super sassy emojis or direct message my friends with passiveaggressive cat GIFs.
The fact of the matter is that some how, I’ve been getting way more atten tion because of it. Like everyone wants to I’ve been getting all these compliments
terrible attitude has made me the hottest and most wanted being on the planet.
But even though I’m popular now, I can’t help but feel bad for my actions.
Maybe I’m overthinking it but I don’t know if I’ve become hotter or just pet tier! What do you think?
Sincerely, Potentially Petty/Hot Person Hi Potentially Petty/Hot Person,Sounds like you’re in a pickle—not a real one of course, however, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Who wouldn’t flip with ICE COLD pasta? It should be hot when served, not 18 C. You could’ve gotten horribly sick from that!
As far as I’m concerned, you’re not petty, you just have high stan dards—as one should.
You also had every right to give your partner the silent treatment
because responding any later than three minutes is a major red flag. I’m surprised you didn’t get the ick. To be honest, I can’t believe you didn’t break up with them right then and there because that’s what I would have done. Anyways, the silent treat ment was a great second choice. Make them sweat a little to make your point, who cares if it’s toxic?
As for blocking people on social media, there’s no shame in that. All
it means is that you know yourself and how to set boundaries, which is SO hot—like you’re literally on fire. You don’t need all that negative en ergy in your life and a little block ity block never hurt anyone. Besides perhaps the people being blocked out of the blue.
My question for you is: were you being purposefully rude with your comments and emojis or just being honest? I’m sure you meant well. Some people just don’t know how to handle constructive criticism. It’s not your fault they can’t take the heat, you were just being an icon! In my opinion, you’re getting all this attention because you’re speak ing your mind and living your best life! You’re in your baddie era and people are noticing.
Hotness is not about how you look, it’s a way of life and about how you present yourself. So what if your confidence is a bit boister ous and insulting! If someone thinks you’re petty and mean, that seems like a them problem. Hopefully now you have a bit more guidance and you can use it to make the most of being the icon that you are!
XO, PalomaEmojis: Still cringey or a crucial texting tool? A TMU-wide survey looks to understand how students use emojis
ing, which begs the question—how?
“I like using them on every sin gle one of my revision notes,” said Jean Ralphio, a fourth-year early childhood studies student.
too hard at a joke and can’t speak, I will just hold my tattoo in front of my mouth and my friends will un derstand what is going on,” LarpisGretki said.
use. It was found that only 13 per cent of boomers are doing the same thing.
By Mariana SchuetzeEmojis. Emoticons. Smiley faces. They were once cringey and a “mom-thing.” Today, emojis are indispensable when having casual conversations online. Can you re ally flirt without using the winkyface emoji or express your frustra tion without the angry-face emoji? I think not.
Why have these tiny emotive characters changed the way we communicate nowadays? Welcome to The Eyeopener ’s very (un)serious debrief of why emojis are an essen tial texting tool.
We polled a section of the To ronto Metropolitan University (TMU) student body to gauge their opinions on emojis. Out of
90,000 students, 69,420 disclosed that they use emojis on a day-today basis.
From our findings, 87 per cent of those surveyed said they use emojis “like…everyday.”
43 per cent said they only use emojis in their school notes, while 10 per cent of students said they “solely” use emojis to feel joy when expressing a thought.
When surveyed, one student even asked if we were really genuinely writing a research piece on emojis, to which we replied, “The Eye be lieves emojis are a big part of the TMU community. We want to un derstand how they are used.”
The results of the survey also found almost half of the subjects in terviewed use emojis whilst study
Ralphio says he usually uses the “infamous Cornell method” when studying. But instead of writing questions on the left column, he uses emojis. “Scary face means I need to read this over and study more,” Ralphio said. “I use the green check-mark when I am done with that topic and the star-faced emoji when I get an answer right!”
The idea behind this, Ralphio says, comes from studying with his dad as a kid. Ralphio would get a golden sticker every time he got an answer right. “Today, using emo jis when studying brings me right back to doing homework with my family on a random school night,” he says.
About 300 TMU students have tattoos of emojis on their bod ies. Sam Larpis-Gretki, a first-year civil engineering student, has the emoji of the cat crying with laugh ter tattooed on their forearm. An other seven students, interestingly enough, also have that same emoji tattooed on their forearms.
“Sometimes, when I’m laughing
“That’s the beauty of emojis. You don’t even have to open your mouth.”
Aside from being prevalent in the TMU community, emojis are also literally everywhere. The Fawk Canadian Research Centre recently did a Canada-wide survey about the use of emojis among young adults in 2022.
The survey found that 66 per cent of emoji users across Canada “will feel stronger emotions to ward someone using emojis.” The study also found that using the eggplant emoji while flirting will actually make you appear less ami able. Inversely, the most favoured emojis to use while flirting, accord ing to the study, were the smiling face with heart eyes emoji, the face blown off emoji and the pride flag emoji.
The study found that emojis can also be an excellent tactic for learning how old someone is by merely ob serving their most used emoticons.
69 per cent of Gen Z users re portedly use emojis to mean some thing other than their intended
Therefore, if you ironically send the cowboy hat emoji alongside the one of painted nails to a cute person on Tinder and they reply with “Haha, what?” there is a great chance you’re being catfished.
Overall, emojis have offered mankind one of the best gifts—a universal language. With emojis, people, including TMU’s very own students, can enhance their com munication with each other.
The study also found that the use of emojis made it easier for students to find each other on cam pus. For example, 88 per cent of students sent each other a rat and a square emoji to indicate they were in the Kerr Hall Quad, home to the university’s rat population.
As for whether emojis are cool or cringe, there seems to be a posi tive consensus. The Canada-wide research found that 77 per cent of surveyed individuals said they like using emojis. Comparatively at TMU, 88 per cent of students be lieve emojis are “cool.”
“Crying laughing face, smiling moon, clapping hands, bone and flaming heart,” said Raphio.
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PEYTON KEELER-COX & JES MASON/THE EYEOPENER
PEYTON KEELER-COX & JES MASON/THE EYEOPENER
Editorial: Remember to embrace your emotions and feel your heart out
Contributing Emoticons
Managing Editor Zarmminaa Rehman
Editor-in-Chief Abeer Khan
Writers
Alisha Shaikh
By Zarmminaa RehmanNever did I think my life’s trajecto ry would bring me to be the manag ing editor of a satirical special issue for my campus newspaper, but alas, here I am. It was clearly my sense of humour that enabled me to take on such an important role at The Eyeopener—but the real MVP has always been my emotions.
Humour has consistently been a leaning stone for me and this rang especially true during my bouts with mental health struggles. I started feeling a surge of anxious ness in Grade 10, after a particularly messy friendship breakup that was abrupt and unforeseeable.
Since then, I’ve had my fair share of wins but also days where I’ve felt down in the dumps. During those lowly days, I didn’t like expressing anything less than positivity and joy, so naturally I embraced my in ner-comedian through zingy oneliners about my mental state as op posed to being vulnerable around anyone. For a long time, I didn’t feel comfortable sharing—much less admitting—how I truly felt on the inside because I believed it would make others think I was a burden.
It wasn’t until quite recently that I’ve been practicing the art of rational thinking—and let me tell you, it does wonders for your mental health.
various ways in which humans digest and interpret the different emotions they feel.
vides readers with a light-hearted pick-me-up after battling several midterms and as signment deadlines over the course of a few short weeks.
hold that same mindset under neath a mask of comical fibs.
This issue aims to encapsulate how the past couple of years dur ing the pandemic have changed our outlook and approach on addressing and caring for our emotional needs and concerns as young students.
The time spent inside alone with our thoughts helped us embrace the emotions inside us. It gave us the time to slow down, assess what’s inside and protect our own personal wellbe ing. Some still may have trouble even addressing their emotions and find other avenues that are adjacent to expressing them. Both are valid and done for really personal reasons.
Moreover, the aim of The Emo tional Issue is to show us ways in which we can fully embrace all of our emotions, regardless of whether they are negative or posi tive—because sometimes it just be like that.
This issue, of course, comes during a very hectic period of the fall semester where everything seems to be happening all at once.
Working through this issue, I really learned to embrace all my emotions. I laughed with masthead mem bers, cried in the bathroom while mentally listing all the things that needed to be done, snacked on countless candies, slept in and missed my train, stressed out over my editorial photos and, of course, jumped up with joy when finishing this editorial—true sto ry. It was like working on a group project where I was both the problematic member and simulta neously the solution-finder.
We all experience a range of emotions that some times we’re not comfort able expressing. At a cer tain point in my life, I felt like I was a bin for people to spill all of their negative emotions and hardships into, but felt unable to ask for the same generosity back. You win some you lose some.
In this issue, you’ll naturally pick up on the unique senses of humour each writer has, but also how they direct their emotions. From being horny on main to be ing a bitter prick about all-things nice, it encompasses all things cringey, crucial and beautiful. This issue may be satirical but it doesn’t negate that people still
Jokes and humour (which aren’t the healthiest coping methods, but alas) helped me find the power to admit that underneath the hilari ous person I am, things weren’t always great. That I can’t always make jokes on how the “vibes are off” and make it OK.
Perhaps this is something you also struggle with and so if you take anything away from this is sue, I hope it’s a big laugh, but also the secret power to be able to ex press your emotions.
We all have to go through de nial before acceptance.
Disclaimer: Countless hours spent on this issue are to ensure that your journey is filled with nothing but laughter ahead, so...you bet-ter laugh!
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Because sometimes it really truly just be like that
This issue encompases all things cringey
The real MVP has always been my emotionsVANESSA KAUK/THE EYEOPENER
A playlist for each and every mood
BRITHI SEHRA/THE EYEOPENER By Anne LagueUniversity can be a rollercoaster of emotions. Sure, you’re probably going to vomit your brains out from the commotion of it all, but at least now
you can vibe along while doing it.
From regretful to raging to gleeful to sad, this playlist will back you up when it seems no one else will.
Take a listen and remember how good it can feel to be in touch with
your emotions.
“Itty Bitty Piggy” by Nicki Minaj
Are you feeling like you’ve hit a real-life version of the Super Mario Kart star power-up? Are you strutting to class and radiating rainbows? This song will make you feel like you’re on top of the world, unstoppable and simply put, hot.
“LILAC” by IU
Maybe physically you’re in the Sheldon and Tracy Levy Student Learning Centre but emotionally you are frolicking among puppies and eating birthday cake. Upbeat and cheery, this song’s electronic synths and beats promise eternal happiness with a dollop of sunshine—no biggie.
“Relay” by Fiona Apple
Men only seem to disappoint you
these days, but our queen Fiona Apple won’t. Paired with experimental percussion, “Relay’’ embodies female rage like no other. This song will harness your stewing fury with its cultlike vocals and metaphoric writing.
“Survival Tactics” by Joey Bada$$, Capital Steez
Feeling determined and ready for anything? Maybe it’s finally time to lift heavier at the gym or just tackle that assignment that’s four weeks overdue. Listening to this song will put you in the mood to conquer anything with its motivational lyrics and driving beat.
“Francis Forever” by Mitski Perhaps your sadness feels endless and your bed has never looked comfier. Perfect to drown your sorrows in, “Francis Forever” offers some of
Mitski’s most intimate writing yet, with themes of heartbreak and loss.
“Uh Uh” by Thundercat With Halloween right around the corner, maybe you’re feeling panicked trying to find a last-minute costume. This song will make you feel chaotic and agile, well-suited for nervous scavenging through Value Village and Dollarama.
“Lover” by Taylor Swift Swoon! Have you been dreaming of your future spouse? Feeling particularly taken by your hallway crush? Love is clearly upon you. Listening to this T-Swift song will give you that warm and fuzzy feeling that romance is alive and well.
Read the full story at theemotionalissue.eyeopener.com
From the mind of a 25-year-old: How I became an emotionally intelligent adult
By Asha SwannIt was a dark and stormy night. A cautious figure entered a haunted house with an eye for revenge. OK, it wasn’t a stormy night—it was more like a sunny September morning. Maybe the cautious figure wasn’t actually a figure at all, it was just me entering kindergarten for the first time. But the revenge part was real. Even at four years old, I felt like being shipped off to school was clearly my mom just punishing me for my existence, as if being the middle child wasn’t tough enough.
From that moment on, I began my journey to becoming the angsty child, pre-teen and teenager who I would be for the next 20 years.
justed by the time you hit your midtwenties—hopefully.
Here are three life-changing chapters of my life that shaped me into becoming the somewhat emotionally intelligent person I am today:
Chapter 1: The passive-aggressive tantrums
What do you get when you combine an ignored middle child with an oversized department store? The need for attention at all costs, of course.
I was never a fan of the conventional tantrum—I always needed to go bigger. The whole screaming and crying on the floor fiasco just wasn’t my vibe because that’s exactly what my mom would’ve expected. Unfortunately for her, I would shake things up a bit by playing an innocent round of department store hide-and-seek where my mom never knew she was in on the game.
Chapter 2: Forget the epic summer romance, it all sucks
The only thing I could think about as the June before my junior year neared its sweaty end was that high school summers are magical—even more than the holiday season.
nothing worse for a 16-year-old girl than seeing her friends fall in love without her.
When you’re 16 years old, a good day can come and go but the bad days, those are catastrophic. My first day of Grade 11 was a whammy. Not only was I the only one of my friends who didn’t harbor a secret summer crush but I also went through the entire morning without realizing that I was on my period. Thank you to the cute guy in my algebra class who I would proceed to never make eye contact with again, for pointing it out.
I’m 25 years old now. I’ve stopped wishing for an earthquake to devour me whenever I realize a crush is onesided (the algebra class romance was never meant to happen). I did somehow eventually grow out of my teenage angst and the obsession with getting revenge on my mom for doing literally nothing wrong.
Maybe inspired by my journey, you too can become moderately well-ad-
The results were priceless. I would sneak off and hide between tall shelves, lock myself in dingy changing rooms for way too long and do anything to get my mom worked up. It was the same old routine: I would hide, she would panic and the store would eventually announce my name on the loudspeakers asking if I would please come visit the customer service desk. Then, my mom would give me the same old lecture and swear that one of these days she was going to put me on a leash or whatever.
My bratty, passive-aggressive tantrums came to an abrupt end though, when I realized my older brother’s efforts were much better at getting my mom’s attention. Turns out, his idea of just talking instead of giving everyone the silent treatment was actually more effective. Who would’ve thought? So remember, communication is key.
Every summer, my friends and I had only one goal: have an epic summer romance. If you were lucky enough to get a job at a far-off sleepaway camp, your Epic Summer Romance was basically guaranteed.
One girl I knew bragged about having her first kiss on the July 1 weekend with a guy who worked at the deli counter at our local Walmart.
God, I wanted that so bad.
Not experiencing that romance can be heartbreaking in itself and sometimes there’s a void that only depressing music can fill. Load up on The Smiths, Death Cab for Cutie and My Chemical Romance while you relish in loneliness. The TikTok girlies are right, sometimes we just need to like our own company. Once you’re an adult, you’ll learn how to romanticize summer sunsets all by yourself with a *insert super expensive vintage camera*. But for now? Let your emo flag fly high.
High school me would have called my mom, but the adult in me had to be creative. In my defense, he really left me no choice. I mean, who takes a vegan to Swiss Chalet on a first date? Being a real adult is all about being resourceful. So if you find yourself trapped in an all-chicken restaurant with a man who admits he forgot your name, you might just have to climb out of a bathroom window. Here’s a tip: always wear sturdy boots because sometimes the bathroom counters can be slippery. But after an hour, you can text him saying there was a family emergency. Personally, I prefer not to end relationships via text, but sometimes they really leave you no choice. The lesson? You’d be surprised how often life grants you a literal window of opportunity when you feel trapped.
I was never a fan of the conventional tantrum—I always needed to go bigger
The idea of working a summer job only to have a passionate yet fleeting romance with someone who lives impossibly far away was my dream.
What is romance if not imagining yourself as the “Y/N” in the most cliché Wattpad stories, with a black and white GIF of a One Direction member in every chapter? For me, a gal stuck in the sleepy suburbs with my grandparents every summer, the odds of having an epic summer romance were slim. OK, closer to negative 10 per cent. Truly, there is
Chapter 3: What are we doing? No one ever talks about how long it takes you to actually feel like an adult after legally becoming one. Okay sure, you’re technically an adult when you turn 18, but does that really mean much if your mom still has to make appointments for you and asks where you’re going every time you leave the house?
I didn’t really feel like an adult until I was at the ripe age of 20, when I went on basically the worst first date ever. By the time he was done criticizing my hair, makeup and outfit, we hadn’t even finished our appetizers nor did I feel like eating anything else. I knew it was time for me to make my escape.
Is that really all it takes to become an emotionally mature pubescent? Communication, self-assurance and getting dumped? Yes but also no. Growing up is weird; all you can do is try and fail. You’ll flunk a class, your crush will ignore you, your best friend will tell you that your haircut sucks, maybe you’ll get lice, someone will forget your birthday or your printer will inevitably jam when you need to hand in a paper. So what? Just because it feels like the end of the world doesn’t mean it is. That’s what being a teen is for. Embrace everything that sucks; you’ll be grown up before you know it. Hopefully, these life lessons will help remind you that everything isn’t nearly as bad as it seems.
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Let your emo
A good day can come and go but the bad days are catastrophicVANESSA KAUK/THE EYEOPENER
they are now horny
Be unapologetic about those hidden sexual desires and smutty fantasies
Words by Alexandra Holyk Visuals by Vanessa Kauk and Peyton Keeler-Cox
At 11:57 p.m. one Wednesday evening, the blue light from Jacques Hoff’s phone illuminates their bedroom from their bedside table. The vibration of the device against the nightstand is loud enough to wake the third-year English student from their slumber. Muttering a groan, rolling their eyes and reaching out from under the covers, they check the notification.
As they blink their eyes to adjust to the light, a text message from the number 30500001 reads: “You have mail from No-
tificationEmail@ryerson.desire2learn.com. Please reply with ‘Read’ to read your message.”
Last year, Hoff wouldn’t have given much thought to a notification from an online learning platform this late on a school night, especially since it would bring cumbersome news regarding their grades. They’d dread typing out the letters ‘R-ea-d’ as they felt their heart leap up into their throat and held back tears as they pressed send.
This year is different. Hoff feels butterflies fluttering in
their stomach and blood rushing to their cheeks as they eagerly type and misspell ‘Read’ out of excitement, having to retype the word two more times as a result. A giddy grin appears on their face as they read the message on their screen.
Hoff immediately logs into their D2L homepage for ENG 941: Gender and Sex in Literature and Culture. Tapping through the menu, they navigate to the ‘Subscription alerts’ tab in the top right-hand corner to see Makenna Mecome had replied to their discussion post on the juxtaposition of BDSM
DOWN TO CLOWN
embedded within Shakespearian role-play.
Hoff whispers Mecome’s response: “Thank you for sharing your ideas…”
“Hmmm,” Hoff thinks. “That ‘…’ after ‘ideas’ sure seems suggestive, right? Should I reply back with ‘U up? Haha ;)’?”
Ever since reading Mecome’s mandatory post introducing herself in the completely online, asynchronous course, Hoff became hot and heavy at the thought of meeting her in person.
“I’m not sure what she looks like or if she’s even real, but that doesn’t matter to me,” Hoff said. “She seems like she’d be a gentlelady in the Google Meets, but a freak in the Google Sheets.”
Hoff isn’t the only Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) student taking a more sexual approach to the 202223 school year. According to gender studies professor Ivanna Smache, post-secondary institutions across the country are seeing a 69 per cent increase in horniness and sexual tension among students.
“Being stuck at home because of the pandemic made students build up a significant amount of frustration. they were overcome with sadness and anger,” Smache says. “However, our research has shown that the frustration—which has since been identified as sexual frustration—is being released now that students are back on campus.”
This research has been supported by an increase in condom sales, Tinder matches within a five-kilometre radius of university campuses across Ontario and the use of tissues for “something other than tears,” Smache says.
TMU students say they are no longer sad to be back on campus, but rather, they’re excited in more ways than one. While they’re using their two legs to get around from class to class, their ‘third leg’ is steering them in the direction of horny town—and it’s not clowning around.
anymore,” she says.
Mayup says this is probably because Bheen’s feelings weren’t those of sadness, but instead of arousal and lust. “The moisture should be expelled from between her thighs instead of her eyes.”
In 2019, a study conducted by the University of Nevada, Reno surveyed two groups of women students. One group was asked to channel their emotions through crying and the other through sexual relations and selfstimulation. The study found that the first group reported feeling not fully over the issue at hand and “dryer than the Sahara desert” in the vicinity of their reproductive organs. The second group saw a decrease in stress and increases in happiness, productivity and “basement flooding” in their nether regions.
“The second group knew how to have a good time. These women fuck,” the peer-reviewed scholarly article reads.
Now on Bheen’s agenda, the two hours on Tuesday nights previously blocked off for crying have now been replaced with the words “dick appointment <=3,” still written with a sparkly purple gel pen.
“Although my sneaky link might only last three minutes and 37 seconds on average, those three minutes and 37 seconds are all I need to release my frustrations,” Bheen says. “The rest of the two-hour period is for peeing to prevent a UTI and getting Rolltation delivered to his apartment when I get the post-sex munchies.”
“He might hit my g-spot, but that sushi burrito hits the spot.”
forced mandatory lockdowns, they took the pep right out of Nafoque’s step.
A self-described “alpha dawg D-A-W-G not D-O-G, bro,” Nafoque thought the lockdowns weren’t very “cash money” of the government, especially since they meant no more partying and no more George Michael.
“It honestly blew me and not in the way I like it,” Nafoque says. “It was like, with teeth.”
A study published earlier this year by Locked and (Un) Loaded, a niche research group based in Toronto that specifically looks at the correlation between post-secondary students’ sex drive and the COVID-19 pandemic, found a 75 per cent decrease in sexual relations between two or more people during the lockdowns. The study says this is because interactions were limited to those living within the same household and most people preferred to live by the golden rule: Don’t sleep with your roommates.
“Since people were masking up, being clean and not getting down and dirty, a lull period developed in many people’s sex lives that didn’t exist before the pandemic,” the study reads. “This led folks to release their built-up tensions and frustrations through their emotions, perhaps even taking it out on their roommates through a mix of angry tears, snot expulsions and chronic hiccups. No wonder they didn’t want to sleep together.”
However, the study also suggests that despite a decrease in sexual interactions between two or more people, the pandemic became an opportunity for self-discovery, with results showing that two-thirds of those surveyed purchased at least one sex toy for personal pleasure between March 2020 and December 2021.
When Flikma Bheen was in her first year of urban and regional planning in the fall of 2021, she made a habit of scheduling every hour of her day from the time she woke up to the time she’d go to sleep.
Bheen would carefully colour-code blocks in her agenda with various hues of sparkly gel pen ink: blue for classes and studying, orange for extra-curriculars like Zumba, debate club and Bheen family FaceTime calls, pink for sleep and green for house chores and errands. She even scheduled a time to express her emotions when she’d feel overwhelmed or stressed in sparkly purple: she’d cry from 7:25 p.m. to 9:25 p.m. every Tuesday.
Bheen carried on with this weekly tradition for the rest of her first year and well into her summer break. It was a way for her to let out any tensions between her personal, school, work and social lives, which she says accumulate on a weekly basis.
According to a 2016 study conducted by the Feelings Under Calming Kittens (FUCK) research organization, crying is one of the most popular ways for young people between the ages of 18 and 25 to reduce stress. However, the study also says it isn’t the most effective way.
Phil Mayup, a University of Toronto (U of T) psychology and behavioural studies professor, says having sex has been proven to work best to relieve pressure and boost morale.
“It turns that frown upside down and not just because your partner’s head is dangling off the side of the bed during intercourse,” the FUCK researcher says.
Bheen says when she’d cry, she gradually started to feel like she wasn’t being satisfied. “It just wasn’t hitting the spot for me
At the beginning of the pandemic, when everything was shut down, then-first-year TMU politics and governance student Troy Nafoque found himself “down in the dumps.”
Back then, he was waiting to hear if he got into the U of T fraternity he pledged: Beta Alpha Nu Gamma or BANG for short. According to its Canadian Frat Life-affiliated Instagram page, BANG is notoriously known for throwing rampant ragers from dusk till dawn.
Nafoque had a go-to move when he’d hit on women at the parties; a play he called “the George Michael.” Nafoque would approach a girl at a house party that he was interested in pursuing, introduce himself and start up a conversation about their favourite songs that feature saxophones. When “Careless Whisper” inevitably came up into conversation, he’d then invite her to a private area to put on an acapella performance of the musical number, mouth saxophone sounds and all.
“It truly was like, a whole ass production, you know?” Nafoque says while excitedly showing a video of the play in action and simultaneously mimicking his lip placements for the sax solo.
But when the Canadian and provincial governments en-
“It appears as though students needed a helping ‘hand’ to get the ‘job’ done,” the study reads.
Smache echoes the study’s findings, saying she’s witnessed students’ sex drive make its post-pandemic return first-hand.
“You know that corner on the sixth floor of the SLC [Sheldon and Tracy Levy Student Learning Centre]. You know exactly which one I’m talking about,” Smache says with a shudder and an irking half-grin, half-frown.
Nafoque says he frequents the sixth floor of the SLC but also continues to attend BANG parties as one of the senior Bros within the fraternity. The now-fourth-year student has since improved his “George Michael” play—he even learned how to play the saxophone to offer an immersive experience of distinguished musical stylings.
“The ‘George Michael’ works even better than it did before. Now I’m good with my fingers, but the ladies still love it when I play my mouth saxophone to impress them elsewhere,” Nafoque says with a wink as he plays air saxophone, mouth sounds and all.
While Hoff is still taking ENG 941, they say they’re looking forward to interacting with Mecome through their course discussion posts every week, wondering when they’ll chat next.
According to Hoff, the pair has had “thought-provoking conversations with hidden undertones of a tasteful sexual innuendo” in several threads, without breaking any course conduct rules, of course. However, Hoff is ready to take the next step.
“I offered to start a WhatsApp group chat for the class in the ‘Coffee Shop’ discussion thread. She said it was a great idea and sent me her number, adding that we should set up a ‘study session’ for the upcoming midterm,” Hoff says.
7DOWN TO CLOWN
My entire life, I have seen countless trends rise and fall across social media platforms to the point where every one is living the same life and loving the same things.
I think it’s so robotic. It seems to me that people only love certain things or tolerate them because they see every one doing the same thing. Why not be different and express your hidden feelings toward popular trends such as The Tote Bag from Marc Jacobs that everybody supposedly loves and adores? When I was a young girl, I re alized I was different from everybody else. I was always the picky one about everything in life, but I also enjoyed it because it allowed me to know exactly what I desired, what I fancied or what I can go on long-winded tangents about. There are countless trends to day that society favours, which I could rant about all day.
Ithink we all know that one of the trendiest bags currently on the market is the infamous Marc Ja cobs Tote Bag.
We all know which one I’m talking about—it’s all over Insta gram, TikTok and of course, To ronto Metropolitan University. If I earned a dollar every time I saw someone strolling around campus with one, well, I would be rich enough to buy the whole Marc Jacobs brand. In fact, it would be enough for early retirement.
My hatred for this bag knows no limits and I deem my reasons valid enough to despise it. For starters, the bag costs around $200 or more but seriously lacks in quality. It is atrocious that you can only wear the bag for a few mere months before it begins to fade due to the material or being out in the sun too long. It is essential for such an ex pensive bag to be high in quality.
Furthermore, the bag is without a doubt your shoulder’s worst enemy. Yes, the Tote Bag is quite spacious but what is the point of filling it up if it only inflicts unnecessary discom fort and pain onto your shoulder and back?
And don’t get me started on the atrociously basic design. It was nev er cute, much less captivating. But social media hyped it up to a level where every student wanted to get their hands on one. It’s fascinating to see the amount of people that actu ally felt compelled to buy one. Most of these ridiculous trends—every one buying the same ugly bag—stem from the one app that the majority of young teens and adults cannot re
Have you ever heard of water? Or, if you need some flavour, try tea. At this point, I don’t think most people are even fond of cof fee, I think they drink it for the sake of saying they drink it or hav ing a little cup in their hands.
Of all the wonderful things you can slurp, a coffee shouldn’t be on anybody’s list. When did it be come acceptable to take a coffee break every two hours? That just never sat right with me.
Iwas in elementary school when I had cream cheese for the first time. This experience changed the trajectory of my entire life.
I was getting ready to leave home and walk to school but my father insisted I eat. Despite my constant refusal to eat breakfast, my dad still wouldn’t let me leave until I ate something. So, I had no choice but to surrender. I let him give me breakfast and he decided to give me cream cheese with bread.
It was my worst mistake. After I had taken that first bite, I knew I shouldn’t have listened to him. That cream cheese was the worst thing I have ever had in my life.
Words by Layyan Mohamed-Birhan Visuals by Vanessa Kauk
move their eyes from—TikTok, the next subject of my rage.
TikTok seems to be popular with today’s youngsters and even some adults. Back in the day, when the app was known as Musical.ly, it used to be grand as everyone was only lip syncing and hand-dancing to sped up music remixes. But now, it seems to me that people haven’t grown up yet because I cannot fathom witnessing users doing such complex yet uninter esting dances in public settings just for a few views and likes.
Honest question:
was it worth it? Are you amused and fulfilled by the time it took to learn those dances?
Though I absolutely understand using the app to view funny content or learn new life hacks, the TikTok dances are where it needs to end.
If I spend time getting ready for a nice evening out on the town, the last thing I want to see is a TikTok dance being made while I am trying to enjoy fine dining (at Popeyes).
To me, making TikTok dances is the cringiest thing you can do (unless you’re a child). I can rant and rant about TikTok dances and all you Charli D’Amelio wannabes can do nothing about it.
One other thing about me is that I have no shame watching a series in five to 12 business hours. I believe that watching a movie or TV series you are totally enraptured by is a source of true eternal happiness.
But even though I am a Netflix fiend, there are quite a few shows that so many people would ride or die for that I would never watch, even if you paid me.
Let’s start with the show that just keeps on going and never ends: Grey’s Anatomy. I just want to know how it was possible to make 18 seasons of a show that’s set in a hospital? I think at least three seasons would cover all the floors, rooms and characters. I’m exhausted from hearing my friends talk about this show nonstop. How can someone be so engrossed in a show like that?
Grey’s Anatomy may have enough crimes to atone for but let us discuss the real hooligan of the TV universe: reality TV. It is one of the most unre alistic, scripted and overrated genres I have ever witnessed. Love is Blind Keeping Up With the Kardashians and The Ulti matum are just a tiny fraction of the reality TV shows that I cannot help but cringe at while watching—except for Love & Hip Hop ; that show can stay because it is simply too entertaining watch
ing the professional and personal lives of people in the music indus try.
Reality TV is a big capitalist decep tion and is entirely based on dramatic people who clearly do not know what self-respect is. If your partner does not want to marry you, why take them on a show? Just leave. Rule number one is to never beg someone to love you, especially not in front of thousands of viewers at home.
Let’s take a moment of silence for all our Starbucks babes who are currently getting scammed every single day without realizing it, because paying $6 for a beverage is ridiculous.
In my not-so-humble opinion, iced coffee, iced capps and any thing coffee-related needs to be gone just because of the fact that it simply tastes bad. This isn’t just for my sake but for the sake of ev erybody and the greater good.
How do you wake up in the morning and think to your self, “Ah yes, something bit ter will help me get through the day”? As a young bean, I have never really grasped the love that people have for coffee and I never will. Forgive me or not, if I see you enjoying a cof fee, I will hit you with a disapprov ing glare from head to toe.
I genuinely believe that there is nothing worse than cream cheese. It is so thick and the taste is very much unpleasant. So to all the Tim Hortons lovers that get the dou ble-toasted cream cheese bagel, I have one thing to ask you: How do you do it? How do you eat such an unpalatable thing?
What’s worse are the people who eat cream cheese just by it self—do you not see the crimes against humanity you’re commit ting or do menaces to society just have no days off? I wish I was able to seek repentance on behalf of my taste buds for tasting that horren dous bread spread. I am constantly shocked by cream cheese’s popu larity and versatility.
Today, a lot of things have gained unnecessary atten tion and hype when they are simply undeserving of it. It’s not my fault I was raised to be a hater. After all, I would much rather be an outlier than a fraud. It is my duty to remind you to never allow a person or the media to persuade you into believing some thing that you truly don’t believe in. The Tote Bag by Marc Jacobs is icky, Grey’s Anatomy is pointless and cream cheese is the enemy— these are my universal truths. I know that there are so many pop ular things that people try to force themselves to enjoy but use me as a model and embrace your hating nature. The power is yours, so remember to never fight the urge to rant about the things you love to hate.
8
As Randy Jackson once said: “It’s a no from me”
‘The Emoji Movie’ is a post-modern, anti-capitalist epic for the ages
By Rochelle RaveendranThis review contains spoilers for The Emoji Movie (2017)
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. In 1999, Shige taka Kurita invented the emoji. 23 years later, the crab emoji would be used to signify celebration in the wake of Queen Elizabeth II’s death. But five years before that, The Emoji Movie was released, a miraculous achievement that makes The Communist Mani festo look like an editorial by the Mo nopoly Man for the National Post.
Directed by Tony Leonidis, the film is a rare rebuttal of the mov ie-goer who views films as purely financial enterprises. Under the façade of an animated feature film, The Emoji Movie dares to accomplish a striking, post-modern anticapital ist message, challenging the status quo with metafictional gusto.
Gene, voiced by T. J. Miller, is a ‘meh’ emoji living in Textopolis, a pixelated world inside freshman high school student Alex’s smart phone. All emojis work at the Emoji Bar, where they have no set hours and their biometric data is collected every day. Whenever Alex selects an emoji, their face is scanned and sent up to his text message box.
But Gene has a dangerous secret: he’s nonconforming and able to trans form his expression beyond just meh. When his ability is exposed, Texta polis’ dictatorial ruler, Smiler (Maya Rudolph), declares Gene a malfunc tion and commands her police bots to delete him. If the meh emoji cannot meh as required, it is unable to per form its singular function of labour— the reason why it exists.
By Marco MuiaMany songs are infamous for de scribing the way we feel. The right track can capture any emotion if it tries hard enough. To narrow down your search for the best mood mu sic, we chose some songs with the word ‘feeling’ or ‘emotion’ in the title. Give them a listen.
“Can’t Stop The Feeling” by
Years after its release, it remains an underappreciated gem in cinema history
At one point, she fashions a noose and hovers it over his head. Chil dren are never too young to learn about lethally violent autocrats.
As Gene narrowly escapes stateendorsed death, he runs into the open palm of James Corden, playing an un used high-five emoji with the eyes and charm of a dead chihuahua. Together, the pair embark on a journey to find a hacker who can re-program Gene’s glitch and add High-Five to Alex’s emoji favourites section—finally giv ing Corden’s character a sense of pur pose, while hopefully finding him a heart, The Wizard of Oz-style.
What follows is a cautionary tale about an emoji’s journey to become employable. The duo eventually ropes in coder Jailbreak (Anna Faris), a girl boss-sk8r grl hybrid who claims men always take credit for women’s ideas, although the speaker and listener are neither men nor women. They are both emojis. Gender norms are nev ertheless a pixelated prison for Jail break, who is a former princess emoji hiding her crown under a beanie.
The Emoji Movie strips the art of animation down to the bone. Cut ting the difference between Apple and Samsung’s emoji design, the film crash lands somewhere in Uncanny Valley. After all, what is an animated film except a series of moving emojis?
As the trio hop through apps to find their salvation in the Cloud— where Gene and High-Five can ap parently be re-programmed—product placement replaces world-building.
Dropbox is portrayed as a safe ha ven, with Jailbreak grandly declar ing the app is secure from malware.
Clearly, Dropbox paid the big bucks for an advert that no child could ap preciate and no parent could toler
ate. This propaganda illustrates how commercial needs drive individuals to nonsensical avenues, to the point of alienating viewers.
The older generation of emojis is not spared from the quest against authoritarian capitalism. Some how, Gene has parents, though the question of reproduction (are emojis birthed or hatched?) is left unanswered. Their marriage cracks open as they search for their fugi tive child, until Gene’s father, Mel (Steven Wright), reveals the truth. He, too, can transform beyond just meh. For years, his secret was a sup pressed trauma, stemming from the pressure to perform the job he was fated for since he was first animated. This exchange with his wife, Mary (Jennifer Coolidge), is revealed and responded to in perfect monotone. Even in their darkest moments, as they critique the system that led Mel to suppress his true self, the Meh family cannot sidestep the traits ex pected of them as spherical yellow cogs in the emoji keyboard machine.
Beyond Textopolis, The Emoji Mov ie plunges into self-conscious meta fiction. The entire voice cast acts at a masterly level of anti-work perfor mance art. Make no mistake: every one is only here to cash their cheques and leave. On all levels of production, it is hard to imagine anyone invest ing more than 10 minutes of their time. Capitalism chokes the creative impulse whilst seemingly supporting it—and fittingly, there is nothing cre ative about The Emoji Movie
Employing James Corden alone was exceptionally uncreative. In a pre-Cats, post-Carpool Karaoke world, Corden was inoffensive and not yet overexposed. At various
points in the film, his character HighFive languishes in both the Loser Lounge, which is populated by fellow unused emojis and the Trash app. The Emoji Movie was not the first produc tion to bank on Corden’s blandness but it shrewdly foreshadows how he was passed around from film to film like a viral infection until every pos sible target audience became sick of him. The short-term profit machine built Corden up and predicted his in evitable pop culture decline.
In a chilling conclusion, the emojis enjoy an office dance party, though we have no idea what’s hap pened to the dictator Smiler and her army. Jailbreak has reverted to a princess and Gene is essentially a GIF now, confined to the favourites box by choice after helping Alex win the affections of his crush.
I was reminded of George Orwell’s closing lines in 1984: “It was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother.”
Whether emoji or human, free
dom escapes us all. It’s a tragic end for our protagonist, who has no idea that in the fight for self-acceptance, he has reduced himself to his capac ity to work. “Feel this Moment” by Pitbull featuring Christina Aguilera plays for the second time in the film, but rings eerily hollow.
Currently sitting at a six per cent rating on Rotten Tomatoes, The Emoji Movie was shockingly under appreciated in its time. Dismissing it simply as afternoon grub for the iPad generation does a disservice to the anti-capitalist, anti-work state ment on display. Ironically, the film made US$217.8 million worldwide. The box office returns are yet an other layer on The Emoji Movie’s postmodern lasagna and a spit in the face of film critics too short-sighted to see beyond the animated surface.
“Who’s laughing now?” I imagine the movie’s producers saying to them selves. It won’t be the audience, be cause none of the film’s jokes land. But it will make you think. And after all, isn’t that what’s missing from cinema?
Justin Timberlake
You know what Mr. Timberlake, I do have a feeling inside my bones and it’s a deep-rooted hatred for this joyful pop hit from the movie Trolls.
There’s something so aggravating about the repetitive chord progres sion that makes me want to tell the preachers on the corner of YongeDundas Square that I am an atheist.
This track is what I imagine plays as background music when the kids
who studied for over 500 hours fin ish the exam in 30 minutes, while I’m still trying to figure out where to write my name and student number. PLEASE just let me stop this feeling, it’s just too happy.
“Feeling Good” by Michael Bublé
When “Feeling Good” comes on, it makes you feel mischievous. It makes you successful. Like that moment when the evil character in a movie gets a big win. “Feeling Good” is the epitome of an under dog’s success song. Not necessarily for its lyrical content but because of the broadway-style instrumenta tion and general tonality (due to the original version actually being writ ten for a musical). This is the song to listen to when you’re walking out of the Victoria Building after acing your midterm despite studying for
an hour and attending half of the classes at best. It also fits the vibe of when you beat someone to the last study room at the Sheldon and Tra cy Levy Student Learning Centre. Evil but of the highest stature.
“In My Feelings” by Drake
If I were to pick one song that could embody the youthful joy I was ab sorbed by in the summer of 2018, it would have to be “In My Feel ings.” This song may have caused the United Arab Emirates to issue multiple fines and arrests for people jumping out of moving vehicles but if a song can’t make us participate in highway traffic violations, then what’s the point?! Though almost half of the Scorpion album brought me to tears, this song is the only one that doesn’t embody the vibes of be ing “in my feels” at all. Nonetheless,
“In My Feelings” must have a secret special ingredient that Drake used to make this nostalgic banger that will surely get the whole club jumping and texting their ex-whatever, no matter the year.
“So Emotional” by Whitney Houston
The type of 80s dance-rock that literally keeps me alive. Every time I hear the familiar intro of finger snaps which transition into woodblock, drum beats and synth slide—outrageous. That’s all without mentioning vocal queen Whitney Houston’s angelic voice, which pleads to explain, “Ain’t it shock ing what love can do.” This is the purest main character track if I’ve ever heard one. It’s perfect when strolling through campus while pigeon-watching.
Our thoughts on songs that have the words ‘feeling’ or ‘emotion’
Your music library is incomplete if one of these songs isn’t there
9
PEYTON KEELER-COX/THE EYEOPENER
VIKTORIYA PYLYPCHUK/THE EYEOPENER
Quiz: Should you take a psych course?
The million dollar question every student has asked themselves desperately at least once
By Fatima RazaAs the winter semester creeps around the corner, you may be shuffling through course calendars trying to find something that will boost your abysmal GPA. Take this highly ac curate quiz to find out if taking a psychology course is the right move for you or not.
The campus’ famous pigeons are walking in front of you on the way to a lecture. You’re already running late and the pigeons are blatantly in your way. What do you do?
A. Shoo them away with your feet.
B. Accept your fate and be late for class.
C. Start barking and flap your arms to scare them away.
D. Walk on the road and cut in front of the pigeons.
Thanks to your wonky sched ule, you have a four-hour gap be tween classes. How are you spend ing your time?
A. Bold of you to think I’ll be going to class.
B. Go to the Eaton Centre for a quick bite but walk out with three bags from a spontaneous shopping spree.
C. Sneak into a movie theatre using your OneCard and rest there un til a movie starts.
D. Study at the Sheldon and Tracy Levy Student Learning Cen tre, sixth floor body chair just to be held.
You forgot to do an assignment that’s due today. What excuse are you giving the professor?
A. Say your file was corrupted and all your work disappeared.
B. Accept your fate and get the zero.
C. Wrap a Peppa Pig bandage around a fake wound covered in ketch up as you enter the class to gain
the professor’s sympathy.
D. Forgetting assignments is sim ply not in your vocabulary. It’s completed and submitted the day it’s assigned.
Let’s see how well high school has prepared you. The mitochondria is the ___ of the cell.
A. What is a mitochondria? When did we learn this?
B. Membrane C. Powerhouse
D. Correction, there are multiple mitochondrions so HA!
Think fast! Which of the follow ing says the numbers two, zero, two and four?
A. 2024 B. 2044 C. 2044 D. 0044
How do you write your notes?
A. You write them on the back of your hand and hope you don’t run out of skin before class ends.
B. You’re an iPad kid. You will nev er be caught writing notes with a pen unless it costs over $100 and is branded with an apple.
C. You listen and absorb the infor mation and pray it sticks around long enough for exams.
D. You handwrite your notes, then type them out before uploading them to Quizlet for flashcards.
You have to make a phone call to book a doctor’s appointment.
What do you do?
A. Make your mom call the doctor.
B. Write down your script and then give up after the fifth automated voice message.
C. Skip the appointment and pray your crippling tummy pain is just the 10 iced coffees you’ve had in the last two days.
D. Cry at the thought of human in teraction and check WebMD.
In what order do you eat your burgers and fries? There is only one right answer.
A. Fries, burger, fries, burger.
B. Finish the fries, then eat the burger.
C. You put your fries in your burger and call it a day.
D. Obviously, finish the burger then eat the fries.
You forgot your classmate’s name, who you have been sitting next to the entire semester and taking homework answers from. Too embarrassed to ask them for their name, what do you do?
A. Ask them to spell their name and hope it’s not an obvious name like John, Bob or Rob.
B. Ask them for their email address or Instagram username and hope it’s not zaynmalikslefts hoelace123.
C. Just referring to them exclusively as “my guy’’ or “heyy” when start ing a conversation.
D. Just ask them again and say you have short-term memory loss.
Finally, let’s get down to colour theory. In school, what colour was your science notebook?
A. Red, it’s the colour of blood. B. Yellow, duh. Photosynthesis re quires the sun, which is yellow. C. Green, of course. Plants, grass, trees, it’s all GREEN.
D. Blue. The sky is blue, that’s why. Science.
Here are your results:
Mostly As: Psychology isn’t for you but trust me, PCS 181 “Introduction to Astronomy” might just be the course for you. With little room for error, you’d love to cal
culate the orbit of asteroids. Amidst all the other things in your life that you cannot control, this class would be the perfect place for you to feel right and in the driver’s seat for once. Between the constant cal culator clicking and the numbers on numbers being thrown at you about the size of Jupiter’s thirdlargest moon, you will forget all your worries.
Mostly Bs: You probably wouldn’t take psychol ogy but hey, you already knew that. You probably spend half your pay check at a fancy cafe every week to be different from the Balzac’s, Tim Hortons and Starbucks students. You want to be different, you’re not like other girls. That’s why, when everyone was taking this quiz to find out if psychology was for them, you just took the quiz for fun—you already know which bird course you’re taking. Between shuffling through Reddit posts from a decade ago to scrolling through bird course lists, you are convinced GEO 793
“The Geography of Toronto” is for you. Quit wasting your time on this quiz and go explore the city with your expensive coffee in hand or whatever.
Mostly Cs:
Take the psych course! You know it, I know it, your friends know it, the per son you were blatantly staring at for 10 minutes straight knows it. My point is, everyone knows you can’t go a sec ond without psychoanalyzing everyone you encounter. The girl sitting at the other end of the library cracking her knuckles? She was definitely the old est child forced to parent her younger siblings. The person in the food court covering their mouth as they laugh? Definitely grew up self-conscious and it’s obviously not something stuck in their teeth. Long story short, take the damn course and quit judging people for free—take some steps to at least get some money out of it.
Mostly Ds: Avoid the psych course at all costs. I repeat, AVOID the course. You are an old soul. You don’t like to believe in all this psychology stuff. You should stay as far away from any of the bird courses and instead put your big brain to use in perhaps an organic chemistry course. You have no time to waste studying people, planets or cities. The sound of test tubes clinking or calculators click ing takes you to a mentally safe space where you are free from human inter action and other worldly desires.
Horoscope: What are the signs afraid of? See what gives you the heebie-jeebies
change, loose change and spare change—it’s just too much for you.
Gemini
You are known for your extrovert ed personality or rather, personali ties. Both are afraid of the dark.
Cancer
By Bashair AliWhether your fears keep you from consuming fast food or keep you awake at night, all the zodiac signs have something that shivers their timbers. As we get into the spooky season, here is what frightens you most based on your star sign.
Aries
You wouldn’t dare come face-toface with any clown. The big gest offender from all the jesters?
Ronald McDonald.
Taurus
You’ve never been able to handle change well. Big change, small
Irregular patterns, bumps and odd shapes scare you to the bone. Bubble wrap hurts you in ways you didn’t know were possible.
Leo Remember that scene in Twilight when Bella proclaimed her dislike for “any cold, wet thing”? That perfectly sums up everything a Leo could pos sibly fear.
Virgo
You are afraid of what’s about to warm up your mouth-watering $2 meal—the microwave. You despise its loud and obnoxious humming.
Libra
Think twice before you ask a Libra to make any decision because they are absolutely terrified of commit ting to a choice.
Scorpio
You’ve witnessed a horrifying com pilation of Dr. Pimple Popper’s best pops and they make you queasy.
Sagittarius
You have a fear of missing out, for mally known as FOMO. It makes
sense because you are the life of the party and if there is no party, you have no life.
Capricorn
You have a very particular fear—lad ders. Climbing your counter is a bet ter solution than climbing ladders.
Aquarius
You view squirrels as the tyrants of the animal kingdom and you’re terrified that their small beady eyes hold a deeper malicious threat.
Pisces
When you hear a person’s knuckle, knee or elbow do that snap, crackle and pop, you have to resist the urge to stuff your ears full with cotton balls.
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PEYTON KEELER-COX, JES MASON/THE EYEOPENER
PEYTON KEELER-COX, JES MASON/THE EYEOPENER
Is the internet taking away my feelings?
I’m worried I can’t express myself without relying on memes and emojis
By Anastasia BlosserEvery Sunday morning I receive the little grey and purple notification that ruins my day. If I feel the little vibration just after 9 a.m., I know that Apple’s algorithm is once again judging me for the dozens of hours I’ve spent scrolling at the crack of dawn. Every week I am reminded that my screen time has somehow gone up a shocking 83 per cent and still I cannot turn away from the endless supply of content.
I would argue that my phone’s intrusive screen time statistics are skewed but I’m starting to see the side effects of my so-called “internet dependency.” Is it possible I spend too much time online?
I’ve been having trouble expressing myself without niche media references or song lyrics. Everyone keeps
telling me I seem well-adjusted but can’t they tell I’m in my ‘Amy DunneMidsommar-Fiona Apple-Ottessa Moshfegh-Fleabag’ era? In other words, my mental state is like a mix between “This Is Me Trying” by Taylor Swift and “Iris” by The Goo Goo Dolls—but in a totally underground and ironically hipster kind of way.
My lack of emotional depth became concerning after my lab partner told me she was going through too much to attend class this week and I said “Oof, it be like that sometimes.” Panicked, I texted the group chat to ask if anyone else was having a hard time communicating without using slang or outdated Vine references. The first response was a threesecond clip from Kim Kardashian’s Saturday Night Live skit where she says, “Ew this is so cringe, guilty,” mocking my awkward interaction.
A second friend was outraged that I was so misinformed about interacting with others and sent me an Instagram infographic explaining the social nuances behind our conversation. After reading the post titled, “Popular phrases that dismiss lived experiences and why they’re problematic,” I felt much more educated and reposted the Canva infographic, checking who viewed it every half hour. I want to make sure everyone knows I’m doing some self-reflection.
My next instinct was to check TikTok. I went through two hours of content and was shown three videos from the app asking me to take a break before I realized I forgot to search for online-induced apathy. Fortunately, my “For You” page is so well curated that I actually came across a handful of related videos. I love it when the algorithm anticipates my needs before I
do. Tragically, all of the TikToks surpassed my 15-second attention span so I didn’t watch any of them.
The scrolling session reminded me of any question I’ll ever ask has probably already been asked by a Redditor. After looking through a few threads, it was pretty clear I wouldn’t be able to focus on another “Ask Me
Anything” without something playing in the background. I installed a text-to-speech program and watched Minecraft parkour while listening to strangers weigh in on each other’s problems. Still, I felt nothing.
Read more at theemotionalissue.theeyeopener.com.
Word Search: All the feelings you can’t describe
Words by Alisha Shaikh
Do you ever get frustrated when you can’t describe the feeling of that strange wonderment you get when staring at the stars or when you wake up from an amazing dream only to realize that it’s just that—a dream?
With more than 34,000 emotions known to mankind, it may become hard to distinguish one feeling from another. If you need that perfect word to describe how you feel, then here are a few to help.
Some of these feelings originate from The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows by
book in 2021. Koenig, a writer and creative, initially started the dictionary as a blog in 2009, which he later launched on his YouTube channel—of the same name—as a narrated series. The dictionary is composed of emotions and feelings that people may experience but
Alexithymia
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Nikhedonia Compathy Morii Ellipsism Anemoia Zeal Euphoric Callosity Liberosis Lachesism Compunctious Exulansis Eramnesia Sundreesoro Storge Livilence Novalunosis Anecdoche Pâro
Visuals by Vanessa Kauk and Jes Mason
VANESSA KAUK/THE EYEOPENER
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