The Courier 1291 by The Courier Online

www.thecourieronline.co.uk Tuesday 6 May 2014 Issue 1291 Free

The Independent Voice of Newcastle Students

NORTH EAST NORMS We look at how far reality TV is

coming to represent us in reality p.30

Est 1948

COUPLE CONUNDRUM p.12 POPPIN’ PILLS

p.31

Marking boycott officially called off By George Sandeman Editor

iMantis 3D

p.4

The proposed marking boycott by lecturers over pay has been called off after they voted to accept a 2% pay rise last week. Of all the members taking part in the ballot, 84 percent voted in favour of the new pay offer whilst 16 percent rejected it. “I’m really History lecturer angry our Martin Farr gave students have his thoughts: “I’m angry that it’s rehad to go such effort through this” quired – considerable inconvenience and loss of pay for those of us campaigning for a fair pay increase for all – and threat – with the consequent uncertainty greatly stressing our students – to achieve such a modest and minimally reasonable outcome. The responsibility of this lies firmly with the employers’ body, UCEA. I’m really angry our students have had to go through this.” In an email to students on Friday Academic Registrar Lesley Braiden said: “I am sure you will be relieved to hear this news, which means that all examina-

tions and assessments will proceed as normal.” As reported in The Courier Online, this follows a postponement to the boycott in April after the UCU’s negotiators agreed to ballot their members after the UCEA offered a 2% pay rise on next year’s pay. This follows a 1% pay rise this year. The results of the ballot showed a total of 30,141 votes cast with a turnout of 52.6 percent of UCU members. Out of the eligible votes cast 25,239 voted to accept the offer and call off the marking boycott (83.7 per cent) and 4,902 voted to reject it (16.3 per cent). The UCEA issued a statement saying it was “pleased that the employers’ ‘full and final’ pay offer of 2 percent for 2014-15 has been accepted by the vast majority of UCU members”. The two remaining unions in the dispute, Unison and Unite, are still consulting on their pay offer which includes a 2.2 percent increase for the lowest-paid workers.

What do you think? Happy exams are going ahead?: www.thecourieronline.co.uk

Security to be scrapped at Leazes EXCLUSIVE The 24-hour reception and security service at Castle Leazes is slated to be scrapped as part of the University’s ‘Accommodation & Hospitality Services Review’. The Courier has seen a copy of a letter sent to staff notifying them of the review and has had two sources confirm that the University has taken the decision to scrap the Castle Leazes service within the last week. Concerns are now being raised as to how seriously the University is tak-

By George Sandeman Editor ing student safety and if the proposed ‘roaming security patrol’ will have enough resource to keep students safe. Speaking to The Courier, under the condition of anonymity, a staff member said: “Now that reception will no longer be a 24-hour service it will be a huge loss, not only in terms of assistance, but in security. Security staff have been told they are no longer required, which I think is madness, and Castle Leazes will be handed over to Estate Security who are already under staffed and they

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24-hour reception and security to be closed

do not want to be involved as they are already very busy.” The staff member added: “I assume

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“Estate Security service are already under staffed”

and protection of their students.” At the time of printing the University were unable to respond to the specific

“I assume student fees will not be reduced and so gives the impression the University is more interested in cash than the safety of students” the student fees will not be reduced and so gives the impression the University is more interested in cash than the safety

closure of the Castle Leazes reception but did release a statement about the review as a whole. A spokesperson said:

“The safety, security and wellbeing of the students who live in our accommodation is our top priority. To make sure they continue to get the best provision possible, Accommodation and Hospitality Services is currently undertaking a comprehensive review of the services it provides. “This will include the way reception and security are delivered at Castle Leazes and our staff have been involved in the discussions. The review is still Continued on page 4

News

News Editors: Anna Templeton and James Simpson Deputy News Editor: Sabine Kucher and Emily Keen courier.news@ncl.ac.uk | @TheCourier_News

GREAT NORTH RUN RUnners raise funds for ‘Drop the Debt’ programme

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”

9 11 SPORT

Have students been reduced from individuals to statistics?

RACE FOR SEXISTS?

Should men be allowed into the ‘tRace For Life’?

Spectacular defeats in the world of sport

Relocation

DURHAM CRICKET County champs look forward to new season

JL08, FLickr

Southumbria Northumbria University has announced it will open a London campus from September 2014. Offering mainly business related courses at both undergraduate and postgraduate levels, it is hoped the central London location will allow students to find a vast array of work placements, as well as attracting more international students.

Foreign Affairs

Spanish Cinderella

36 38 Poached legs

SPORTING FAILURES

John Downs recently graduated from the University of Pittsburgh, sixty-four years after finishing his course. The 90-year-old man studied history at the university in the late 1940s but did not formally graduate, having already found a full time job. His daughters recently found the paperwork and arranged for him to graduate this April.

- Albert Einstein

COMMENT STICK IT TO THE MAN

GraduLation

5 6

400 delegates join NSR for the National Radio Conference

DJ’S DESCEND

Wise words:

Technology Varsity

e h t

thecourieronline.co.uk/news

NEWS

The Courier

Tuesday 6 May 2014

Spain is considering introducing a law making it a legal requirement for all children up to the age of 18 to do housework and be respectful to their parents. Since 2005 married men have already been legally obliged to help with household chores, but it seems that it was not enough, despite being quite controversial at the time. It is unclear what will happen if children refuse to help with their household duties.

Media

ITV’s new breakfast TV programme, Good Morning Britain launched last Monday, but according to certain tabloid newspapers, viewers across the UK were devastated to find ex-BBC presenter Susanna Reid’s “famous” legs hidden behind a table. The critical reaction to the new programme was mixed, but ratings later released revealed that it lagged behind the BBC, despite its high profile host

NUSU, King’s Walk, Newcastle upon Tyne, NE1 8QB. Tel: 0191 239 3940

The Courier is a weekly newspaper produced by students, for students. It’s never too late to get involved in the paper, whether you’re a writer, illustrator or photographer. Just visit thecourieronline.co.uk/getinvolved for more information.

Mark Sleightholm

Sport

Bizarre

Wimbledon champion Andy Murray’s new five-star hotel, Cromlix, has won the title of the Scottish hotel of the year, less than four weeks after opening. Murray purchased the hotel, near his hometown of Dunblane, last year for nearly £2 million, and the hotel recently opened its doors following extensive renovations.

A survey by ITV’s This Morning has revealed that a fifth of British people believe it is possible to have sex with ghosts, while four per cent of the population claim to have been abducted by aliens. The survey was part of a week long feature on the supernatural which asked 1500 people about their beliefs regarding ghosts, aliens and other beings.

Murray gets minted Goolish orgasms

Bizarre

On the Rio to Ruin

The vice-president of the International Olympic Committee, John Coates, has expressed his concern over preparations for the 2016 Rio Olympics, which he says are well behind schedule and are “the worst” he has seen. Brazil, which is also due to host the World Cup this summer, has faced severe criticism for its handling of the events, amid mass protests across the country.

Culture Politics Bye-Bye Beardy

Whale of a Time

A dead whale that washed up on the beach in Newfoundland, Canada, is at risk of exploding at any moment, experts say. The decomposing mammal is now full of methane gas, and local residents and councillors are currently debating what to do with the supersized carcass. The smell of the whale has spread throughout the town, and there are concerns that it might contain bacteria potentially harmful to humans.

Sport

Petitions have started in several Eastern European countries to ban the Austrian entry, Conchita Wurst, from the contest, which takes place this week. Wurst, whose real name is Tom Neuwirth, is a bearded drag artist, and some protesters are concerned her appearance will turn the contest into a “hotbed of sodomy”. Wurst will perform her song, “Rise Like a Phoenix” in Thursday’s semi-final, where a public vote could send her through to the final on

sharon Nunez, FLickr

Politics

Crime A wooly protest

Kohane, FLickr

French farmers protesting against cuts to EU agricultural subsidies took their sheep into the famous glass pyramids of the Louvre museum in Paris. The farmers believe the cuts will hurt small farmers, which they say are a key part of the French economy. The small flock did not cause any damage and nobody was arrested.

Editor George Sandeman Deputy Editor Tom Nicholson Web Editor Ben Brown News Editors Anna Templeton and James Simpson Deputy News Editors Sabine Kucher and Emily Keen Comment Editors Lydia Carroll and Joe Wood Deputy Comment Editor Victoria Armstrong Culture Editor Sam Summers Lifestyle Editors Evie O’Sullivan, Elizabeth Archer, Hazel Parnell and Katie Smith Fashion Editors Amy O’Rourke and Frances Stephenson Deputy Fashion Editors Rebekah Finney Beauty Editors Amy Macauley and Saﬁya Ahmed Arts Editors Millie Walton and Charlie Dearnley Deputy Arts Editor Laura Wotton Film Editors Muneeb Haﬁz and Jacob Crompton-Schreiber Music Editors Kate Bennett and Ian Mason TV Editor Beth Durant Deputy TV Editor Helen Daly Science Editor Lizzie Hampson Deputy Science Editors Peter Style and Emad Ahmed Sports Editors Nick Gabriel, Freddie Caldwell and Francesca Fitzsimmons Copy Editors Lucy Davis, Emma Broadhouse and Megan Ayres

VLPevent, FLickr

The Courier is printed by: Print and Digital Associates, Fernleigh House, 10 Uttoxeter Road, Derby, Derbyshire, United Kingdom, DE3 0DA. Established in 1948, The Courier is the fully independent student newspaper of the Students’ Union at Newcastle University. The Courier is published weekly during term time, and is free of charge. The design, text, photographs and graphics are copyright of The Courier and its individual contributors. No parts of this newspaper may be reproduced without the prior permission of the Editor. Any views expressed in this newspaper’s opinion pieces are those of the individual writing, and not of The Courier, the Students’ Union or Newcastle University.

The Courier

news.3

Tuesday 6 May 2014

Eat that, Shawshank! By Kate Dewey

On Saturday 21st March teams of Newcastle students undertook the Jail Break challenge organised by the University’s Student Union’s RAG (Raising and Giving) sector. Charity based, the aim is to get as far away from Newcastle as possible in the space of thirty-six hours and all without spending any money. This year’s winning team, consisting of George Bullock, Alexandra Wild, and Lizzy Stringer, managed to get all the way to Hong Kong. Their journey started by walking down to Newcas“Jailbreak is tle Central Station then catching a the “ultimate and train down to Lonchallenge” don. From there, and a chance they caught the tube to Heathrow airport to show off and then boarded your blagging a flight to Hong capabilities.” Kong. Previous Jailbreak winners have reached Cape Town and Montreal. RAG’s website says that Jailbreak is the “ultimate challenge” and a chance to show off your blagging capabilities. This year’s winning team said that they had to “blag” their tube tickets but that the rest of their transport was covered by others’ generous donations.

The Courier spoke to George about his decision to participate in the challenge: “I decided to participate in jailbreak when I heard stories from students about teams making it to amazing destinations; I thought it would be a cool way to raise money for charity.” The initiative of Jail Break is to raise money for Kidscan, a children’s cancer research charity. The charity’s website states that “Cancer is the leading cause of death in children in the UK” and so the money that George, Alexandra and Lizzy raised will go towards funding research so that Kidscan can “[give] every child with cancer the treatment they need to survive”. George mentioned that the team had a personal connection to the charity as a few years ago, “my friend Lizzie lost her cousin to a rare form of childhood cancer and so knowing that the money raised from the Jail Break would be going to Kidscan was another incentive to undergo the challenge”. The winning trio successfully raised £2000 for the cause by gaining sponsorship from various companies. George spoke to The Courier about his team’s strategy for attaining sponsorship, support, and raising awareness for Kidscan and their project: “We knew that given the unusual nature of the event we could get interest from the media and so persuade companies to sponsor us. We contacted the BBC,

Manchester Evening News and the local Newcastle paper which all ran stories about us. We then had a few radio interviews with the BBC [and so] using

easy as it appears: “Many companies simply put the phone down on us and a lot of people were very unhelpful. For example, East Coast rail refused to give

“People on the tube, without asking, just put money into our collection buckets when we were walking around” this we contacted several local companies asking them to sponsor us. Liberty student living, The Trent House and IOS developer Aceviral all agreed to sponsor us.” He notes that their biggest task was to secure the flights to Hong Kong but due to confidentiality reasons, the airline provider cannot be mentioned. Two weeks before the commencement of the Jail Break event, George managed to secure three return tickets as a charitable gift to Hong Kong. The airline provided them with standby tickets, meaning they were not guaranteed seats on a plane. After missing two of the potential flights they could have caught, one due to not arriving at Heathrow in time and the other because it was full, the team managed to get seats on the third flight out to Hong Kong that day. However, George tells The Courier that organising the event was not as

us train tickets down to London for free so we had to raise the money for those trains with a bake sale, which is disappointing as that money could have gone to the charity.” Nevertheless, George states that the team also received great support from the general public: “people on the tube without asking just put money into our collection buckets when we were walking around”. One man even gave them £20 whilst on their train down to London to use for their transport in Hong Kong.

After arriving around midday in Hong Kong, they used this money to get a shuttle into the centre and following this they booked and stayed at a hostel in Causeway Bay. When interviewed, George was asked where his team ideally wanted to end their Jail Break challenge. His reply highlighted his competitive nature: “My team mate Lizzie’s cousin won the first Jail Break by getting to Las Vegas, so we knew we wanted to beat him. We said at the beginning that we would not be happy unless we left Europe. Originally we were thinking of trying to get to the USA, however I was able to get in touch with the airline who gave us the flights to Hong Kong.” George, Alexandra, and Lizzie finished their thirty-six hour adventure by taking a taxi to the top of Victoria Peak and claiming that as their final, winning destination. To donate or for more information about Kidscan, visit http://kidscan.org. uk/.

NEWCASTLE TO HONG KONG: George, Alex and Lizzie Reach Hong Kong without spending a penny in aid of the Students’ Union’s RAG Week. Images: George Bullock

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Tuesday 6 May 2014

The Courier

Research reaches new dimension By Jack Parker

Researchers at Newcastle University have embarked on an experiment to test the 3D vision of praying mantises and how they hunt, in the hope of furthering existing 3D technologies. Mantises were first discovered to possess 3D vision in 1983 by Samuel Rossel. They are unique in that they are believed to be the only insects to see in three-dimensional vision, giving them an advantage when it comes to hunting and striking their prey, compared to other insects. This led researchers at Newcastle to explore further the visual capabil“Mantises are ities of the ManSupported sophisticated tis. by a £1 million visual hunters Research Leadership Award from which can the Leverhulme capture prey Trust, scientists with terrifying hope to show that Mantises have efﬁciency” developed threedimensional vision similar to, but independently of vertebrates. The project is being led by Dr Jenny Read of the Universities’ Institute of neuroscience, who said: “Despite their minute brains, mantises are sophisticated visual hunters which can capture prey with terrifying efficiency.” The project entails placing the world’s smallest ever 3D glasses at just 5 millimetres wide onto the mantises, using

beeswax, and showing them their very own 3D movie of flies appearing within striking distance. If the mantises go to strike, it will demonstrate that they can process the 3D images similar to humans and other vertebrates. It will also determine whether or not a mantis could also be fooled into misjudging the depth like humans are. Dr Vivek Nityananda, a research associate of the University said “If we find that the way mantises process 3D vision is very different to the way humans do it, then that could open up all kinds of possibilities to create much simpler algorithms for programming 3D vision into robots.” He went on to say: “We can fool them into misjudging depth, in the same way that our brains are fooled when we watch a 3D movie.” If the project brings up any new findings, it will be the biggest discovery by scientists studying mantises since Rossel’s findings in 1983. The experiment was similar in that prisms were placed over the mantises’ eyes and creating the illusion that targets were nearby, which led to the insects attempting a strike. The project will also seek to work out how data from behavioural observations of the mantises as well as electrophysiological recordings of the insect’s brains to create potential neural algorithms that can be used in future 3D technologies for things such as computers, cameras and robotics.

MANTIS GLASS: University scientists have rigged up insects with 3D glasses to further explore its use

“If a student is in trouble how long will it be before help can arrive if the roaming mobile patrol is elsewhere?” Continued from front page underway and no decisions will be made until it is completed next month.” The staff member also alleged that “the university stated to staff that, hav-

the permanent security team with a roaming patrol to guard over 1000 students. Though security were at times over-bearing in their management of students, it was entirely necessary to

“It seems irresponsible to be replacing the permanent security team with a roaming patrol to guard over 1000 students” ing received a survey from students, it was they who decided that they would prefer self-catering and the cleaning of their own rooms. Staff believe this to be untrue having been lied to in the past.” Charlie Dearnley, a second year Fine Art student who lived in Castle Leazes last year, gave his thoughts: “The security at Castle Leazes was an ever-present force. 24 hours of every day they could always be found, waiting in reception to answer any calls, and settle disputes. “For the first month or so of residence, I found myself having my identity checked any time I returned to the accommodation, they were thorough with security and safety regarding who entered the accommodation, and were known for their strict approach to overnight visitors, especially around the exam period. “This resulted in the assumptively mundane activity of having friends stay over feel illicit. Hearings and warnings were a regular event for many people and occasionally seemed over-zealous, especially when students had done exactly what they had been told by a staff member. “However, concerning the university’s accountability for its students’ wellbeing, especially within halls of residence, it seems irresponsible to be replacing

keep people safe. Not everyone requires the same level of governance, but some need it as they adjust to student life. “Accommodation fees will also remain the same, if not increase in line with inflation, and it remains to be seen whether or not the university can keep its students safe with such a small security team, as they proclaim to do so in their accommodation advertisements and brochures to prospective students and their parents.” The staff member added: “Who on earth made this executive decision without any thought for the students? As a hall, of which it’s residents are nearly all freshers, it comes with many pastoral care problems, from homesickness to bullying, that the night shift team deal with and always with care, professionalism and privacy. “To effectivley replace that with an overstretched roaming patrol you effectively lose the friendly and approachable relationship the students become used too. “If a student who is intoxicated falls how long might they lie there before being found? If a student is in trouble how long will it be before help can arrive if the roaming mobile patrol is busy elsewhere?

The Courier

Tuesday 6 May 2014

news.5

NSR hosts National Radio Conference By Lizzie White On Monday 7 April, over 450 delegates from over 65 UK Universities came together in Newcastle for a 3 day national radio conference of professional talks, workshops, keynote speeches and awards. After winning the bid to host the conference last November, NSR organised the three-day event alongside the student radio association. This year’s conference featured a wide range of radio professionals with talks from over 50 industry experts giving advice and support for students looking to forge a career in any aspect of radio or media. including guest speakers from the BBC, XFM, Capital and Metro Radio. In the history room student DJs were able to participate in a ‘DJ ing 101’ session with Radio 1 DJs Danny Howard and Jay Forster. Capital North East presenters Bodg, Matt & Jo Jo gave an insight into presenting as a team on the breakfast shows and a whole host of other local and national radio talent gave students tips on radio related topics. In the Venue students were able to listen and meet some of the most famous faces in radio for the keynote event. Scott Mills and Chris Stark graced the North on day one and revealed all about making ‘entertaining radio’ and their infamous ‘innuendo bingo feature.’ On day two students listened to former student radio DJ and current radio 1 DJ Greg James and his radio side-kick Chris Smith as they delivered a session

on ‘the news’ and becoming a presenter. The controller of BBC radio one, Ben Cooper, spent an hour on stage chatting to some of the younger presenters on Radio 1Extra. For the final evening, ‘I love Student Radio awards’ recognised the best shows and presenters for their radio achievements over the past year. Jack Saunders (Fly FM) won Selector Radio Award. Most Committed Committee Member Award went to Rosie Kyrke-Smith (Purple Radio). The most Improved Student Radio Station went to Bailrigg FM and the South East was named as Region “The Confer- of the Year. Rachel (Scratch Raence was fan- Chew dio) and Jon Rodtastic and the ney-Jones (Latitude feedback we Radio) won voices the 2014 Student received was of Radio Awards and overwhelm- the outstanding ingly positive” Contribution to a Student Radio was won by Stephen Robinson (Bailrigg). NSR’s Co-Station Manager, Peff Soulsby said “The conference was fantastic. It exceeded my expectations and the feedback we received was overwhelmingly positive. There were a few small hitches, but these were all very quickly dealt with. The NSR volunteers were incredible - enthusiastic, friendly, helpful. I was so pleased and proud that everybody pulled together” adding that “It does actually make me feel like I want to do it again, so that I can make use of everything I’ve learned!”

Constance Briscoe jailed for 16 months for lying to police By George Sandeman Editor One of Britain’s first black female barristers and judges will be put behind bars after being found guilty of lying to police. A famed Newcastle University graduate with a room named after her, Constance Briscoe was convicted for her role in the Chris Huhne and Vicky Pryce scandal over speeding points. The court heard how Briscoe had helped Pryce, her friend and neighbour, to reveal information about the pointswapping scandal to newspapers afshe had split up Justice Baker ter from then husband said during Huhne. The fallout was a lengthy legal sentencing battle that eventualshe had ly saw Huhne resign “considered from government and imprisoned respect for along with Pryce the law [as last year. something] Part of the evidence against for others” Briscoe included a statement she made to police in 2012 that she had no contact with journalists or newspapers but court ordered email records later showed she in fact had. Found guilty on three counts of perverting the course of justice the presiding judge, Justice Baker, said during sentencing she had “considered respect for the law [as something] for others”

and her conviction as a “personal tragedy.” He also said the conviction would have a “devastating effect” on her legal career and acknowledged that she had been “something of a role model to others”. The Clapham resident was sentenced to 16 months in prison which is double each of the sentences Huhne and Pryce received for the original offence. Briscoe was for years one of the most recognised barristers in the country as a trailblazer for ethnic minorities and women as she gathered success in an industry long dominated by Caucasian men from middle class backgrounds. However, she was also the author of two hugely impactful, and controversial, books about her childhood, Ugly and Beyond Ugly, in which she claims she was abused by her mother. Her mother, Carmen Briscoe-Mitchell, then bought libel action against her daughter in 2008 but the court found in favour of Briscoe. As a result of last week’s conviction the Metropolitan Police revealed that they were launching a fresh inquiry into Briscoe about the possibility that she obtained documents illegally during the 2008 court case against her mother. Speaking last week, Briscoe’s sister Patsy said: “She is paying a high price for her dishonesty. She is a disgrace to the black community because she became a judge, and young black people looked up to her as a role model. People find her downfall worse than embarrassing.”

NATIONAL RADIO CONFERENCE: NSR volunteers meet Radio 1’s Scott Mills and Chris Stark. Image: NSR

6.news

Tuesday 6 May 2014

The Courier

Great North runners help the global South By Emily Watton David Golding, senior lecturer at Newcastle University and part-founder of ‘Jubilee Debt Campaign’, is pulling together a team of runners from the University staff and student body to take part in the Great North Run for ‘Drop the Debt’ and HIV/AIDS charities for the twelfth year. To date, the initiative has raised £152,500 in total with annual of be“The initiative donations tween £7,000 and has raised £15,000. The 45-strong £152,000 in team is already total so far busy with preparawith annual tions and training to be ready for the donations of 13.1mile run on 07 between September. £7,000 and By participating in the Great North 15000.” Run the team hopes to raise money for ‘Jubilee Debt Campaign’ (JDC), a debt-relief charity, and HIV/AIDS aid agencies, such as ‘Stop Aids’. JDC helps alleviate the debt burden of third world countries, such as Zambia and Tanzania. This legacy of debt, caused by past generations, severely hampers the countries’ ability to provide any public services and perpetuates poverty. Indeed, President Ellen JohnsonSirleaf of Liberia (Africa’s first elected woman president) commended the JDC

for “moving mountains”. Similar debt relief provided to Uganda as part of the Jubilee 2000 campaign allowed the country to double primary school enrolment. Nick Dearden, National Director of debt-relief charity, commented on the significance on the team’s contribution: “Newcastle University and the North East more widely have been hugely important to Jubilee Debt Campaign and we are simply amazed to find that your team in the Great North Run has developed into one of our major sources of funding.” Half of the funds raised go to JDC while the other 50% go to HIV/AIDS charities, 10% of which support the work of ‘Stop Aids’. The remaining 40% is distributed to other British charities combatting the spread of HIV/AIDS. Each runner gets to decide which charity they want to support. The AIDS charities’ efforts have led to over 10 million people receiving treatment. However, there is still a long way to go: A quarter of a million babies are born with HIV each year leading them to die in infancy. If they do survive they will have to take anti-retroviral drugs for the rest of their lives to attempt to control the infection. This is what inspires the team to go further to aid even more people, which has earned them commendations from both ‘Save the Children’ and ‘Stop Aids’. For more information look for the 10-minute video: “Drop the Debt! How campaigning brought a jubilee to Tanzania and Zambia”.

RUN, NEWCASTLE, RUN: Newcastle team to run for debt-relief and AIDS charities. Image: Kedren Elliott

The Courier

Tuesday 6 May 2014

news.7

Making a ‘pipe dream’ come true in Borneo By Justin Chow A group of 20 Newcastle University Engineering students travelled to the remote rainforests of Northern Borneo, Malaysia, where they successfully installed gravity-fed water systems for two rural communities. As part of the ‘Global Engineering – An International Design and Build Challenge’ module, the cohort of Stage 4 Civil Engineering students set out to design, construct and test a fully-operational water system. The two rural villages are located in the poorest part of Borneo where amenities Located in the basic are non-existent. poorest part of Many villagers Borneo where found that attainclean and safe basic ameni- ing water was a daily ties were non- chore, so having an easily-accessiexistent ble water supply would be a dream come true for them. Identifying the expectations and demands of each community member was a major consideration when designing the system. Throughout the year, the students prepared and planned meticulously prior to the expedition. Their preparations included fund-raising events on and around campus, receiving substantial support from Newcastle University students and staff. The money raised went to the charity ‘Raleigh International’ which in turn provided funds for the

materials, the resources and the training required to make the trip possible. During their time in the jungle of Borneo, the students undertook a number of tasks to reach their goal of constructing two fully operational water systems for the villagers: locating a water source and potential dam site, planning the water system network, constructing the dam and water tank storage site, connecting pipe and taps to the system and finally testing the network. All of these tasks were completed within only ten days whilst living amongst the local community and experiencing Malaysian language, culture and traditions. Living in ‘festival-like’ conditions with corned beef rations, the students had the chance to learn from experiences that cannot be taught in a lecture theatre. They encountered the challenges, setbacks and successes posed during an actual engineering project while living with and learning from the local community. Thomas Forster, a participant of the expedition, expressed his thoughts: “This has been an emotional trip, which has made me appreciate the little things in life!” Other students working on the project praised the module and highlighted the positive difference that the engineering project had on the daily lives of many people. Seeing the overjoyed reactions of the local community and experiencing the feeling of achievement when the first tap was switched on emphasised to them what can be accomplished with a simple feat of engineering.

Night out on the toon? “ID please, we need to scan it” By Mark Sleightholm Newcastle’s nightlife may have to change in an effort to make the city safer. If Police and Crime Commissioner Vera Baird gets her way, all of the city’s clubs and bars could soon need to scan the ID of anyone entering, as part of a crackdown on criminal gangs and under-age drinking. The system would mean that before entering a club people would have their photographic ID – such as a passport or driving license – scanned electronically. This is so that, in the event a crime is reported, police could go through a list

its reputation for being safe.” Currently Newcastle is one of the safest cities in the UK, and ID scanning could make it even safer. Since her election as PCC in 2012, Mrs Baird, who has lived in Newcastle since her student days, has made tackling drinking-related problems in the city a priority. Last year Newcastle became the first council in the country to introduce the Late Night Levy, where businesses are charged for selling alcohol after midnight. Mrs Baird has also ensured that bouncers are more effectively trained to deal with vulnerable drinkers, par-

All of the city’s clubs and bars could soon need to scan the ID of anyone entering as part of a crackdown on criminal gangs. of everybody who was in the club at the time a crime was committed. Commissioner Baird commented: “This is a useful tool to prevent underage drinking and discourage anyone from coming into the club to commit crimes.” ID scanning would mean that those without ID would not be able to persuade the bouncers to let them in regardless – or at least in theory. It is not yet clear exactly how the system would work, or how easy it would be to bypass. According to the police, business owners have welcomed the proposal. Superintendent Bruce Storey pointed out: “Their business is based on Newcastle being busy and it has to maintain

ticularly with vulnerable young women, and has even mooted a ban of happy hours in the city. Her latest idea seems unlikely to become reality any time soon, however, since sufficient funds are not yet available to introduce the scheme in full. Instead she is planning a trial of the system, and it is possible that some of the money raised through the Late Night Levy could be used to fund more ID scanners at a later date. Summing up her goals, Mrs Baird said: “Newcastle has a vibrant nighttime economy with thousands of people visiting every weekend and our aim is for people to be able to have fun, but do it safely.”

SUPPORT ENGINEERED: The expedition lends isolated communities a helping hand. Image: Justin Chow

8.nationalstudentnews

Tuesday 6 May 2014

The Courier

NEWS STACK Radio 1 loves election videos

POP UP: The Robinson ﬁlls to exam capacity and the Pop Up library takes the strain Image: Emily Keen

Job Title: Activities Assistant Employer: Students’ Union, Newcastle University Closing Date: 16/05/2014 Salary: £15,814 pro rata Basic job description: An opportunity has arisen for suitably qualified persons to be appointed to three positions within Newcastle University Students’ Union. Recruitment will take place across all 3 positions at the same time. These posts are responsible for running the Students’ Union’s comprehensive programme of one-off sporting, social and cultural events and activities, mainly Give It A Go and Go Play Programmes. They will also play a key role in organising International Welcome Week. This is a part time position, 18 hours per week, term time only. Flexible working and some evening/weekend work is involved. Person Requirements: Excellent interpersonal, organisation and communication skills. Experience of organising events and activities is essential and the successful candidate must be able to work on their own initiative. Location: Students’ Union, Newcastle University. Job Title: Newcastle Work Experience – E-Marketing Officer Employer: Engineered Solutions Closing Date: 11/05/2014 Salary: £2400 Bursary Basic job description: Engineered Solutions are one of the leading UK material handling equipment and storage systems suppliers, designers, fabricators and distributors. The company operates two distinct strands of business: E-commerce - for the showcasing, enquiring and ordering of items and an engineering design, consultancy, supply and project management service. We are currently improving our website to interact more proactively, through a mix of features, promotions and other fun activities that will increase traffic, and lead to more enquiries and orders. The successful candidate will play a key role in developing, implementing and embedding our communications plan. Person Requirements: You must be able to work with a degree of independence. There will be an expectation for regular visits to the office, but a large degree of work will be done remotely if possible and practical. You must be proficient in the use of social media for business along with the skills and knowledge to drive traffic to a website. The ideal candidate will have previous marketing experience with an

emphasis on e-marketing. Job Title: Bar Assistants Employer: Tyneside Cinema Closing Date: 16/05/04 Salary: £6.37 per hour. Basic job description: In 2014, Tyneside Cinema will open its own Bar Café on the high street in Newcastle. The Bar Café will become the front door to the cinema and all of its programmes and also aims to become a popular and distinctive addition to the food and drink economy of the City in its own right, providing a signiﬁcant new income stream to enable the sustainable delivery of Tyneside Cinema’s charitable objectives. Several Bar Assistants are required to provide excellent and welcoming customer service to all, maintain the atmosphere and cleanliness of the Bar Café, and serve both food and beverages to the highest standards, and in accordance with company standards. Person Requirements: Minimum of 6 months experience in a busy public bar or restaurant, cash handling experience; experience of working in a quality customer service operation and the ability to understand what good customer service entails. Location: Newcastle upon Tyne Job Title: Brand Ambassador Employer: Adidas Closing Date: 11/05/2014 Salary: Competitive Basic job description: You will represent Adidas on campus and communicate to students the opportunities that Adidas are offering. This will include; promoting exclusive offers, planning competitions, creating and organising brand activations, educating others about Adidas products and campaigns as well as using social media to create a positive conversation about Adidas. This unique opportunity will give you an insight into one of the world’s leading sports brands and a chance to represent Adidas in your day-to-day life on campus. We’ll also give you kit drops too! Person Requirements: An undergraduate student for 2014/15, A major part of your University Athletic Union, societies and social scene; An avid social media user with a large following, living close to campus and available to work 8 hours per week on a ﬂexible basis. Location: On campus Job Title: Newcastle Work Experience – Event Coordinator Employer: Sky High Sports

Closing Date: 11/05/2014 Salary: £2400 Bursary Basic job description: Sky High Sports is a Rugby Specialist Tour Operator which excels at combining Rugby and Travel to provide once in a lifetime experiences for good Rugby people across the world. The post holder will be responsible for the organisation and execution of a popular school sports festival held in Corbridge. This event will combine a Sports Tournament, a Business Networking Event, Guest Speakers and Entertainment. As well as the event itself, you will be tasked with raising sponsorship revenue, implementing a PR and Social Media Campaign and managing the logistics of the event. Person Requirements: An eye for opportunities and attention to detail, a flair for multi-tasking, reacts well under pressure, excellent IT Skills and an interest in sports and event management. Location: Corbridge Job Title: Call Handler, NHS 111 Employer: North East Ambulance Service NHS Trust Closing Date: 07/05/2014 Salary: Competitive Basic job description: We have a number of exciting roles available for assertive, confident call handlers to answer emergency and non-emergency calls from the public and health care professionals. The role provides the opportunity to make a real difference to patients and their families and could result in you saving a life. The ability to actively listen, make considered decisions and respond quickly and confidently is key as you will be expected to determine the appropriate care needed for each patient and advise them what action should be taken. Person Requirements: The ideal candidate will have first class customer service and communication skills, preferably (but not exclusively) gained from a Call Centre environment. Equally important is an ability to treat our patients with dignity, empathy and respect. Location: Newcastle & Hebburn.

Radio 1 DJ Scott Mills recently made his mark in the Leeds Student elections by playing the campaign video of a candidate live on air. Mills played George Bradley’s video in his afternoon show last Tuesday. He introduced the video saying “This is a guy from Leeds student Union called George running to be Community Officer” and made a running commentary throughout the video. He said of George’s video that “the song choice is very strong” which featured a re-worded version of Cher Lloyd’s ‘Swagger Jagger’ and then

a transition into a re-worded version of Beyonce’s ‘Drunk In Love’ of which Mills said “it blew my mind”. The video sees George clearing up rubbish in the student area Hyde Park, and dancing provocatively in a wrestling singlet in Leeds’ Edward Boyle Library. George is a third year music student at Leeds University and the video credits him as producing the music for his campaign video himself. His manifesto includes creating a rating and feedback system on all Unipol properties in Leeds and to create a student skills exchange.

Students disrupting the peace Residents of a suburb of Loughborough have complained about the ‘anti-social behaviour’ that they claim is coming from a Halls of Residence in a residential area. The local Neighbourhood Watch scheme have kept a log of all the incidents that have taken place over the last month and claim that the total number of complaints has hit the over 100 mark. The complaints include everything from vomiting and urinating on the streets, streaking and noise disorder at inappropriate times in the morning.

Residents claim that since the university opened a second gate into the area they live, they have been “terrorised” by the “thoughtless” behaviour of students. While relations between “town and gown” in Loughborough have generally been quite calm, there is increasing pressure from locals for the university to take firmer action on their students. The university has claimed that disciplinary measures had been taken on over 340 students over the past academic year, but not all of these were in relation to anti-social behaviour or noise complaints.

Free University in capital A new way of studying the humanities for fee has been proposed which involves using the London area as a “giant lecture hall”. The initiative proposed by journalist Barbara Gunnel and musician Jonny Mundey, involves using the free to access cultural capital that already exists in London to. They argue that in the teaching of this course they can use the vast collection of free materials to access resources such as museums, galleries, concerts, and libraries, and also signpost participants to the thousands of free talks

and lectures that are given by experts throughout the city on almost every subject imaginable. To get the course in motion and prepare a thorough syllabus Mundey and Gunnell say that they would need to collate these resources, negotiate access for paid-for events, and provide access to the best online lectures by acclaimed academics. Gunnell and Mundey have launched a fund raising appeal and have so far managed to raise £7,000 from 92 backers, and once they reach their target of £10,000 they hope to be able to hold an initial summer school. May and then to begin teaching in January of next year.

Images: YouTube, Phil McIver, J.A.Alcaide (Flickr)W

Jamie Shephard

The Courier

Tuesday 6 May 2014

Comment thecourieronline.co.uk/comment

Comment Editors: Joe Wood and Lydia Carroll Deputy Comment Editor: Victoria Armstrong courier.comment@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Comment

There’s always a bigger fish The growing trend for universities to become more like multinational businesses may well bring the benefit of increased efficiency and funding, but does it reduce students from individuals to statistics?

Images: didactylos47 & Torben Bjorn Hansen

Anna Templeton

his is something that’s been on my mind for a long time, a very long time indeed. In fact, it’s been on my mind since October 2011 when I first came to Newcastle University. A close friend of mine, who has been close throughout my uni life, was removed from University accommodation. But why, you may ask? Surely he must have done something incomprehensibly terrible for that to happen to him. Well, he (I’ll call him Sam*) was caught in Ricky Road, after a night out, with a joint in his hand and two, pretty horrible, months later he was kicked out of University accommodation. I just need to make it clear that I am, and always have been, a big believer in sticking to rules. At the time I thought he broke the rules, was caught and had to pay the price. But now, with the beautiful gift of hindsight, it looks like a very different situation. I look back and feel like the whole process revealed something about our University. Without sounding like I’m just having a rant on behalf of a friend, the reason for this article is to question how the institution that is meant to care for their students treated him. It’s all part of a bigger picture. It’s not always the best feeling to be a small fish in a big pond – it sometimes alienates people who need support. I spoke to Sam recently about what had happened in first year and felt pretty darn bad for him. I’m sure they’ll be people reading this who have smoked some weed or even just broken some kind of rule, but the point really is more about the process of what happened rather than what Sam did in the first place. However, I’m sure you all want to know what happened… After a night out in the Toon, Sam came back

with a friend. He was planning on getting a joint from his room and going outside to smoke it, but two security guards came into his flat to complain about noise, caught him with the joint and called the police. Sam was arrested, driven to a police station, and put in a cell for 4 hours. He was interviewed and given nothing more than a mere caution by police. However, as he told me, the punishment from the University was the real hellish ordeal. Sam was told he had to leave Ricky Road by the end of term. “When I came back after Christmas, I was told there would be someone new in my room,” Sam said.

“At the end of the day it’s the big fish that call the shots”

So Sam had to find somewhere to live, in the first term of first year, and leave his University first year accommodation. He wasn’t helped in finding new housing, and didn’t know Newcastle, so he moved into a one-bed flat in Fenham. Sam described to me how utterly shit that was. He explained how terrible his family and his social life became, and how he sunk into a lot of debt. “My last term at uni was really difficult. It was hard moving that far away from everyone. I went really far into my overdraft because of paying for the new flat. The flat was a similar price to Ricky Road, but I had to pay agency fees, electricity and all other costs. I had to pay £600 up front before I even moved in,” he said.

Whilst he lived on his own in Fenham for six months, Sam said how his “Uni social life was affected massively. I was going back to Ricky Road all the time and being in between my depressing flat on my own and seeing everyone still in the flat in Ricky Road. I was sleeping on friends’ floors most of the time and then going back to my flat to an empty electricity meter and no hot water. It was horrible and I hated it. I didn’t want to be there and thought it was awful.“ Sam didn’t want to tell his parents, and he said how his “Christmas was horrible” from having to keep the secret. So this is why his story has been on my mind for a long time. It seemed as if Sam was let down by the institution who’s meant to care for him. For the people who kicked Sam out of Ricky Road, he was just one small fish in a big pond. The big fish didn’t care if his relationship with his family was strained. They didn’t care enough to help a naïve fresher find alternative accommodation. They didn’t care that his social life was ruined. They didn’t care about his debt. They didn’t care that they pushed someone out of halls, where you’re meant to be having incredible first year uni experiences, to an isolated, one-bed flat on their own. They didn’t even care that the police and the law didn’t care. All they cared about was enforcing a rule. Humanity and human interest is just unfortunately not compatible with rule-stricken institutions. “Having to live in Fenham made me regret what happened a lot. It felt like a massive injustice and it seemed like such a severe punishment.” Speaking about the ‘Zero Tolerance’ accommodation policy, a University spokesman said that the amount of students being kicked out of accommodation spiked as “students got used to the new tougher environment.” Interestingly, the policy got introduced for 2011/2012 first year students. Now it’s never good to presume. However, this just so happened to coincide with the very year when British universities saw one of the highest

levels of student admissions, all avoiding the gargantuan mark-up of tuition fees. All I’ll say is that this was the same year the accommodation services evicted 31 students. The following year, which saw a drop of over 100,000 in student numbers nationally, saw drug related evictions for Newcastle University fall to only 6. Maybe some other small, very lucky fish was poised on an accommodation waiting list, ready to fill Sam’s place. At the end of the day it’s the big fish that call the shots. But Sam’s story is just one example of that feeling of being small, uncared for and feeling just like a number or statistic on a spreadsheet. It’s one of those David and Goliath moments where you feel powerless against the Man. The problem for me is that institutions, which were originally designed for the sole purpose of learning and teaching, are becoming geared towards a model of corporatism which values its consumers as mere figures. This might well be the way the world is going, but I’m not sure if it will be a world I’m happy with. Maybe in the great words of Jack Black, it’s time to ‘stick it to the man’ and say we don’t want to be treated as nothing more than a statistic *Sam’s name has been changed to protect his identity. Number of students evicted from halls, 2007-2012

10.comment

SOAP BOX

Tuesday 6 May 2014

The Courier

Why do students swing left? Students are often stereotyped as having leftist, socialist political views. But why?

SEX SELFIES Dear humanity, why on earth is there an obsession with taking ‘after-sex selfies’? Couples cuddling in bed with the duvet strategically placed around their naked selves. OK, I may have a couple of photos on Facebook with my boyfriend. But we’re not naked. I mean, his grandparents have Facebook and I can’t say I’d want it framed on the wall or put in an album. Who would? Maybe the pair who appeared on my Facebook newsfeed having posted a ‘mid-sex selfie’ on Instagram will treasure these kinds of photos. Yes, you read that correctly. A girl, completely starkers, was pouting into the camera with her legs wrapped around a guy’s face with the caption; ‘selfie of the year award goes to…’ Too much information. I don’t want to know the ins and outs of your supposedly ‘private’ life. Is this where social media is taking us, to a society devoid of boundaries and in which shameless sex selfies are acceptable? No thank you. I fear I’m sounding rather prudish, but surely this is just one step too far? No? Kate Dewey Image: Matt_Baldry

NEWSNIGHT With Jeremy Paxman’s departure from the BBC’s flagship current affairs programme legitimate questions are being raised as to whether this signals the end. After managers and editors screwed up stories on Saville and McAlpine the exit of their inquisitor-in-chief could well be the final nail in the coffin. Not in my book. I love Paxman like an idol, alongside Thierry Henry and Fireman Sam, and will forever cherish his roasting of Michael Howard, his candour with Christopher Hitchens and his disdain for weather forecasts. However, the show has evolved with a raft of new blood and fresh editorial direction. This change in course is perhaps best exemplified with their coverage of Thomas Piketty and his significant economic work which they broke down with simple but useful animations and infographics. News journalism is making a move in an explanatory direction and Newsnight is at the forefront of it. That’s why it’ll continue to survive and, hopefully, thrive. George Sandeman

VOGUE I get that Vogue is aspirational, and not a realistic reflection of its readers’ lifestyles and bank balances, but it just exists on another plane of reality to the one that anyone else does. It discusses fashion in terms that nobody without a PhD in Fashion History can understand; if I’m reading it, I have to keep going off and looking up words – and I’m an English Literature student. What the fuck is a minaudiere? Why do they insist on referring to a pair of trousers as ‘a trouser’? Its fashion spreads are either uninspiringly dull or alienatingly weird, and don’t even show the clothes properly half the time. Stella Tennant naked except for Missoni crochet blanket (just seen) - £1,475 draped over one shoulder? Definitely a look I’ll be rocking soon. Writers talk patronisingly about the economic crisis and then suggest a £890 mohair cape as an ‘investment piece’. Don’t get me started on the way it normalizes and promotes the emaciated female body. Vogue groans under the weight of its own self-importance, and the sooner it collapses, the better. Kate Bennett

David Leighton

fter NUS’ ‘No to UKIP and yes to free education’ conference, which advocated ‘free education, a 5:1 payscale, a cops off campus campaign and a formal condemnation of the UK Independence Party’, it seems pertinent to ask the question, why does the student body seem to be so left wing? I’m aware that generalising any group of people as a certain thing is counter-productive to being left wing and I fully realise that it is not the case that all students are left wing. However, saying this, it is arguably the case that a great many of students are of the leftwards persuasion. At the time of writing I wouldn’t consider myself particularly left wing; I’m just incredibly anti-right wing. I have the feeling that this might be the case with a few other people too. As it stands if I’m given a choice between UKIP and death I’d probably choose death – because I’m not an inherently bad person – and again, I reckon this is probably the case with quite a few other students too. I should imagine the answer as to why students tend to lean more to the left lies mainly in

the word ‘student’ itself. If you are a student, you are receiving a higher (indeed one of the highest) forms of education in the UK, and I do not mean this in an elitist sense. Rather, I’m trying to say that if you’re in education you’re more likely to be critical and also there’s a sense that learning engenders cultural awareness. The left wing tends to appeal

“The left wing tends to appeal to people who are interested in new ideas” more to people who are interested in new ideas, rather than preserving older ones, and the process of learning (from nursery to University) is all about absorbing new ideas. Moreover students are, generally, between the ages of 18-22 and younger folk don’t carry on the same prejudices that drive a lot of right wing politics (I’ve never met an eight year old interested in

SPICY HOT NEWS - SPICY HOT NEWS Cameron’s religion ‘going a bit too far now’

Prime Minister David Cameron’s newfound Christian zeal faced serious criticism for ‘going a bit too far’ following the leader’s decision to wear a cowl and adopt a life of poverty in the wilderness. ‘I let it slide when he described the UK as a Christian nation. But this is just beyond ridiculous,’ said local Conservative voter Henry Timmons. ‘He’ll get absolutely nothing done now. And those socks and sandals look just appalling,’ he added. At the time of going to press, Mr. Cameron’s spokesperson said he could not be reached for comment as he was currently ‘preaching to the birds’. Images: Birmingham News Room, Sirius1278, Fugue, Abode of Chaos.

Newark ‘very sad to lose token village idiot’

Residents of the Newark constituency have expressed ‘deep sadness’ over Nigel Farage’s decision to step down as Token Village Idiot for UKIP. Although Farage described the seat as ‘deeply tempting’, he eventually made the decision not to run, because it is completely impossible he would win. ‘I am very disappointed by Mr. Farage’s decision not to run in the by-election,’ said local voter Samantha Nutting. ‘They’ll never find anyone as funny as him. He looks like a living Spitting Image mask.’ At the time of print, Farage stands to be replaced by an IT worker who wears an eye patch and describes himself as ‘straight-talking and totally not PC’. He stated that under his leadership ‘chaps wouldn’t have to help with the washing up’.

preserving “the UK’s independence”, for instance). An easy way to sum this up would be to say that students are poor and Conservative values seem to end up making poor people even poorer, almost as much as they seem to enjoy making the rich richer. It stands to reason that as a general rule, students tend to be lefties. For me, being left wing isn’t so much about a political stance as it is about doing the right thing; I’m a big fan of equality in all things from gender to race. To be honest, I’m proud that most of my friends are lefties, because silly name aside, UKIP essentially stands for isolating Britain from other countries, and why would anyone in their right (left?) mind want to shut us off from a world full of other people? Oh, and just a quick point before I go, to anyone who considers UKIP’s sort of “independence” a good idea; we’re all spinning around on a tiny rock riddled with cancer, murderers and poisonous spiders in an infinite and possibly empty universe. If that’s not scary enough to make you want to stop stressing all the ‘independence’ bullshit and unite with other countries then you’re absolutely bonkers. Now I’m going to go and eat some hummus and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.

SIDEBAR OF SHAME Looking demure: Nigel Farage tries a more covered-up look after placing THIRD in Economist’s Top Fifty Sexiest list Suddenly shy It’s a bum deal! Dave shows off pert derriere as he makes an entrance at birthday celebration night with wife Samantha Showing off Eric Pickles steps out in ANOTHER unflattering blue two piece suit during bizarre JCB tour Claims he’s “never been happier” with his curves

Lydia Carroll

The Courier

comment.11

Tuesday 6 May 2014

The

Totally totalitarian unis

Voice of

Reason

With lecturers facing pay cuts over the marking boycott, Emily Watton argues that the attempts to make protesting difficult for lecturers are becoming disturbingly totalitarian

Emily Watton

ecturers who continue with the strike action of a marking boycott may have the entirety of their pay docked. We have heard so much about boycotts now it is becoming tedious. It appears very frequently in the Courier, the emails we receive from administrators and lecturers, as well as the back-and-forth negotiations between the UNU and University boards we hear on the News. So, a part of me is going: ‘Yay! My time and £9000 a year for tuition is going to stop being wasted!’ I mean that’s too much money to just throw away on an unmarked exam paper. But at what cost? Taking away a person’s livelihood because they’re speaking out is a bit of a totalitarian move. It is basically silencing the voices who can’t afford to live without a salary. I suppose it could show how committed the lecturers are about their cause, if they continue with the boycott and go without their wages. To separate the wheat from the chaff,

to see if it is really worth fighting for. It’s one hell of a test to see who is serious and who is not. It would be interesting to see how far they are willing to go. But at what price? Some cannot live without that income, or indeed the huge majority; they are people with children and mortgages and credit card bills. Do we have the heart to push our lecturers to breaking point? I believe we’ve already learnt

“Do we have the heart to push our lecturers to breaking point?” that lesson under Maggie Thatcher, I think. I’m not saying lecturers are poor, or at all in the position of the miners, but it is more about whether it is ethical to openly punish those who speak out. It implies our lecturers do not have a right to protest by

threatening such a repressive action. Also, I cannot be the only one who sees the irony of silencing lecturers? The people whose job it is to talk and air their beliefs. Take away a lecturer’s opinion and see what you have left. It’s embarrassing! We are meant to respect our lecturers and now they are being slapped on the wrist like naughty school children and having their pocket money docked. It is not like they are fat cats bemoaning that they now have milk instead of cream. They are speaking out for the University staff on the lower-pay-scale, who are severely affected by drastic pay cut. No one wants to compromise their degree, but can we as students allow our educators to be essentially threatened to do as they are told, or else? It is too repressive for words. We should allow our lecturers the right to choose, unaffected by an overbearing, oppressive threat of retribution and allow them to do what is right without an axe hanging above their head. We should trust them to know that the marking boycott just extends to injustice to the students who spend so much time and money to obtain their future and who should not be denied this. No one wants a boycott but we can’t deny civil liberties.

Image: Graham Richardson @FlickR

The Race for Life: No men needed

As the Race for Life faces another year with a women-only policy, Mark Sleightholm considers whether allowing men to compete might make the event an even more effective fundraiser

Mark Sleightholm

ince it began twenty years ago the Race for Life has raised around £500 million for Cancer Research UK, to help fight all kinds of cancer. That is incredible, but in recent years the event has attracted controversy over the continuing decision of the organisers to prevent men from taking part. Entrants into the Race for Life are encouraged to race for somebody in particular, and yet men who lose wives, mothers, daughters and so on to cancer are not given the opportunity to commemorate them in this way. They are encouraged to volunteer at the events, but marshalling or promoting is not the same as the physical activity of the race. Between 2006 and 2009 the men-only Run for Moore events were an attempt to “correct” this “discrimination”, and since 2012 Miles for Men has hosted a number of races for men in the North East to raise money for cancer charities. To me, having separate – but identical – races for men and women seems a bit petty. Any event that raises money for Cancer Research UK has got

to be a good thing, but combining the races into joint events would reduce the costs of hosting the events, as permits, water, signs etc only need to be hired once. From a financial point of view it would surely make sense to allow everybody to run the

“Men who lose wives, mothers and daughters to cancer are not given this opportunity to commemorate them”

same races. The fact that men can run in other races – that are, incidentally, far less well-known than the Race for Life – doesn’t justify preventing them from taking part in the Race for Life. Race for Life believe that allowing men to enter the race would put some women off competing, because the event has such a “strong sense of sisterhood”. While this could be the case, I would have

thought the huge number of men that would enter would more than make up for this. And really, when it came down to it, how many women would stop raising money for a cause they believe in just because the event had a slightly different feel to it? Isn’t raising money to fight cancer more important than “a strong sense of sisterhood”? On the other hand, there is something to be said for having many different fund-raising events that will appeal to different people, especially if it encourages more women to take part in sport – even if the pink branding and women-only policy is slightly patronising. For me, though, the main objective of any charity event is surely to raise money and awareness of a particular cause. I’ll admit that I don’t know the best way to do this, but to me shutting out half the population doesn’t make sense. Race for Life have undoubtedly improved the lives of thousands of people, but I can’t help feeling that with a simple relaxing of the rules, and perhaps some rebranding, they could have an even greater impact. It goes without saying that cancer and charity are both sensitive subjects and that different people will have different ideas on the best way to deal with them. This is mine.

No. 15:

ood day, my adoring plebeian idolaters! It has been an eventful week it must be said, my tail has been thoroughly wagging. Now you might have heard a few barks between the two iconic divas Barack Yemen-Droning Obama and Vladimir Gaybashing-No-Shirt Putin. Similarly, you might have heard the little pup David BestMates-With-Jesus Cameron reel off some Labrador slobber to seem a dash more Conservative. The man is yearning for a pet and stroke more than George Osborne’s delicious Bichon Friese (By Jove, that dog’s a rambunctious tail wagger if ever there was one) But it is not the war-mongering leaders or socially ambitious Lord of Light worshippers of this physical world which have set my tail aflutter. I know what it is all you Poodle eyed doters have been talking about between your hodgepodge banal lives of working for an education and chewing on your week old bones. Pah! One cannot learn to be smart! They are born with it through their own pedigree. As the first natural scientist and my great great great great great great great great great great… it goes on… grandmother Lady Marianna Curie Pugintus discovered, ‘only the pugs possess inherently natural wisdom and intelligence’. But if it makes you, dear reader, feel a smidgen better when you try to sniff a word of insight out of some electronic book they call a Kindle well go ahead! A Kindle? I’ve never seem a flame about them how’s one meant to light a fire? And Timmons gets oh so agitated when I try to gnaw on his. Far more delectable, I say, to have a good chew on a great tome from the bounteous Pugsington library. Rather funny to watch old Timmons clear it all up whilst he’s yelling some infernal nonsense and giving me a grand old chase around the manor. But yes. Back to what I was saying before I divulged into the cranial considerations of my naturally superior cognitive capabilities! The thing on everybody’s lips is this peculiar gobbledygook they are calling Game of Thrones. Well BLOODY HELL, I say! There’s more licentiousness in one minute of that than I got in a whole month with that salacious young Dalmatian. It’s good the ideals of a raucous royal war of debauched families is one we have not entirely lost sight of these troubling times. And may I say to the blond headed Alsatians they call the Lannisters, it’s good pedigree to keep it in the family! Grand job. The true annoyance for people, however, is of course those who haven’t caught up. These insolent layabouts seem far more concerned with their relentlessly pointless aspirations of achieving grades than focusing on the more important things in life. Yet, when two people, who have had the dedication to watch the sex and incestuous sex and the sex over dead people and the sex before a fight and the sex after a fight and generally all the sex that comprises Game of Thrones, are told by one of these paupers ‘oh don’t say anything I’ve not seen that one yet’ I just want to give them a great big bite on the knee! So my closing thoughts, if you watch Game of Thrones then WATCH IT. Yours,

Pugs

Overheard by Joe Wood Illustration by Flora Anderson

Pugs has got a new iPad, and he’s been dictating tweets to his manservant Timmons. Follow him on Twitter at @LaVoiceofReason

12.lifestyle

Tuesday 6 May 2014

The Courier

Lifestyle Editors: Evie O’Sullivan, Elizabeth Archer, Hazel Parnell and Katie Smith

Which celebrity couple are you? Annie Lord

Are you more than 50% diva? No

Do you often find yourself having explosive arguments over social media?

Is your imaginary child’s name worth trade-marking?

Yes

“Gen Y have learned a lot about sex through porn.”

Yes

Have you been Bonnie and Clyde since ‘03 ?

Are you significantly more of a BNOC than your other half?

s Ye

Do you ever fondle inappropriately in public?

ence people’s sexual outlook even after they’ve lost their virginity. The other day I became suspicious when my flatmate approached me and said ‘Annie we need to get flexible’. Whilst I struggled to remember if there was some sort of limbo competition at the party tomorrow night I watched Alice shaking with pain with her crotch on the floor and her legs above her head. ‘Who exactly are you sleeping with?’ I asked. She protested, saying that she was merely ‘preparing for old age’. It wasn’t until she began doing ‘the butterfly’ and watching ‘How to Twerk’ videos on YouTube that I remembered watching three episodes of Sex and the City together the previous night, one of which Samantha is shown making her way through about eight sex positions in just one night of passion. I knew it was a bit extreme to be preparing for old age at eighteen. Now I have to traipse with her to Ann Summers every time she feels she needs a vibrator update and every time we go to the toilets on a night out I have to wait twenty minutes while she practices pelvic floor exercises. Perhaps if Miss Bladly had run a sex education class that referred to humans and not to the birds and the bees I would enjoy a less hysterical relationship with sex. Maybe I wouldn’t sexualise everything in quite the same way as I do now, maybe I would have learnt to embrace the eventual growth of my pubic hair, and maybe I wouldn’t still laugh at the word vulva. But then again, if that was the case, and sex education had actually taught me something, I probably wouldn’t have ever learnt how to define teabagging.

Yes

“Not once did an adult ever tell me ‘sex is fun.’ ”

Did you start off being ‘friends with benefits?’

did, in fact it did quite the opposite – absolutely nothing. Not once, growing up did an adult ever say to me ‘sex is fun’. All I can remember is being in Year 6 and spending an hour, wasting time, watching Mrs Bladly red-faced and flustered, trying desperately to explain what a penis was. Ten bananas and fifteen condoms later and I still knew nothing about sex. All that had changed was that from then on I felt slightly repulsed at the sight of my friend Tom…and all boys for that matter. My first ideas about sex came from watching James Bond movies around the age of eight. Not an ideal situation to find yourself in when all there is to base your ideas on are various blurry shots of Piers Brosnan’s pulsating back, a bit of rustling around under the sheets before the lights fade and the scene is over. Always in missionary, never an awkward wet patch or any hair on arms, or even any genitals for that matter. It was from there that I concluded that all sex entailed was kissing naked in a bed with champagne and strawberries. Recent experience tells me that films still influ-

Yes

Being part of Generation Y means that growing up you have probably learned a lot about sex through porn. Whether that was through direct experience, i.e. spending many a school night under your duvet with a laptop and earphones, feeling slightly disgusted with yourself. Or because you were forced, during lunchtime midway through a plate of Turkey Twizzlers and potato Smiley Faces to listen to intrusive and irrelevant porn chat. Despite never having seen a real life penis and with no sign of any significant pubic hair, I’m pretty sure by the age of twelve I could explain, in detail, the difference between getting Spit Roasted and Eiffel Towered. I presumed with conviction that only exotic European women and Germaine Greer had body hair, and when I thought about sex I was more concerned with avoiding getting Pirate Eyed than I was with how to use a condom. Sex education didn’t pollute my mind like porn

Yes

Stage fright #9

The old timers

The honeymooners

The star cross’d lovers

Weird but it works

How long have you been together? Who knows. Like ’Yonce and Jay Z you guys are in it for the longhaul, and your friends are secretly jealous.

Can’t keep your hands off each other or stop staring into each others’ eyes? Yeah it’s annoying. Like Mila and Ashton you’re the cuties of the moment.

Are you passionately bonking each other or passionately hating each other? It’s a fine line. Like Mr. Brand and Ms. Perry, your love is explosive and short-lived.

It started as a drunken rendezvous, and nobody would have thought it would last. But like Mariah and Nick, weirdly it seems to work.

Culture The Courier

.13

Tuesday 6 May 2014

thecourieronline.co.uk/culture

Blind date

Jamie on Amy

Culture Editor: Sam Summers Sections: Lifestyle, Fashion, Beauty, Arts, Music, Film, TV and Science courier.culture@ncl.ac.uk | @CourierOnline

Amy O’Rourke, 2nd Year Media meets Jamie Cousins, 3rd Year Business and Marketing

I see... So what was her biggest turn on? Her drinking ability as she matched me drink for drink all night. True northern lass. Quite liked her accent aswell. And if you had to name a worst…? She has a pet mouse... At any point in the date did you understand why she might be single? Because she has a pet mouse...Erm, perhaps she’s been unlucky? I couldn’t really comment.

Amy on Jamie

Describe your first impressions of Jamie in three words. Well dressed, easy-going and chatty. Would you introduce him to the fam? Yeah, he seems like the kind of guy who would get along well with my fam. Were there any weird conversation topics? I genuinely can’t remember if there were any weird convo topics. I’m slightly worried I brought up some strange things when I was a tad intoxicated though. At any point in the date did you understand why he is single? He’s doing dissertationy stuff so I guess that means he’s super busy?

“She tactically left her bank card in the taxi so I have to see her again.”

Biggest turn on...? The fact that he had made an effort in what he was wearing- very dapper.

“I definitely didn’t vomit as soon as the taxi was out of sight.”

Any mentions of ex boyfs? I honestly can’t remember. My memory is a little hazy after Flares. But I don’t think so. What’s your usual type and did she fit the bill? I tend to normally like girls who are fun, confident,up for a laugh and a little bit cheeky so I guess she did fit the bill yeah.

Biggest turn off…? I guess it was his dance moves in Flares. Snog, Shag or See ya bye? Shag.

Any awkward moments? Not for me. Although, she did tell me that her manager sent her home once because of her appearance. I then excused myself and instead of going to the toilet I got the DJ to do a shout out to Amy, ‘the scruffiest bar maid in Jesmond’. So, she may have felt abit awkward about that... How did the date end, anything cheeky? I think in many ways the date ended in The Cut, as by that stage we were pretty much hammered and just leaning on each other for support. Do you think you’ll see each other again? Well she tactically left her bank card in the taxi so I have to see her again. So, yeah!

Who paid? Both- we did rounds. What did you drink? Too many cocktails .

Describe your first impressions of Amy in three words. Friendly, stylish and pretty. So on first impressions, would you introduce her to the fam? She was very chatty and easy to get on with. I think my Mum would love her. Don’t think my puppy would appreciate the competition though; she can be pretty possessive...

Where? Tokyo, Vodka Revs, Flares, Empress, The Cut.

Would you describe him as cute, sexy or hot? Cute. Would you describe him as clever, funny or sweet? A combo. Do you have a usual type, and if so did Jamie fit the bill? I don’t have a usual type so I guess so. How did the date end, anything cheeky? With Bigg market’s finest cheesy chips and a taxi ride our separate ways. Oh and I definitely didn’t vomit as soon as the taxi was out of sight. Rate yo’ date: 8.

Snog, Shag or See ya bye? Shag. Rate yo’ date: I’ll go for an 8.

Unlucky in love? The Courier is here to help Send your details to: c2.lifestyle@ncl.ac.uk

14.lifestyle

Tuesday 6 May 2014

The Courier

Lifestyle Editors: Evie O’Sullivan, Elizabeth Archer, Hazel Parnell and Katie Smith

take that Owen Bull Eat yourself successful With finals approaching, this really is the time to bring out every weapon in your nutritional arsenal to maximise your brainpower! Feeling fishy? If you’re not getting your weekly serving of omega 3 from oily fish the data suggests this could be limiting your marvellous thinking muscle. I’m not talking fish and chips at Tynemouth though; it needs to be a nice oily specimen (the type Gollum is likely to munch on). So go mad for mackerel and hurrah for herring, but if you really can’t palette these deeply marine flavours then why not try omega oil supplements containing the active ingredients ALA , EPA and DHA. The nutritionist’s way to ensure optimum cognitive functioning.

“Don’t fear, correct hydration is the way to ninja kicks a sluggish brain back to fighting shape.”

Are hangovers shortening your library time? Don’t fear, correct hydration is the way to ninja kicks a sluggish brain back to fighting shape. Water is a good start, but the real mood boost is from an Isotonic drink. This will rehydrate you at optimum speed and ensure you regain electrolyte balance. Clever Student 1, hangover 0. Want energy all through the day? Then it’s time to give your diet the wholegrain makeover. Glucose of the brains primary source of energy and so for optimum thinking the brain needs an optimum supply of its favourite nutrient. Switching your bread and pasta to wholegrain, low Glycaemic index choices ensures that energy is delivered steadily throughout the day. This is not a time to start a no carb diet. A recent study in dichotomous twins found that when the brain is deprived of carbohydrate it impairs the ability to perform high strain metal tasks (e.g exams!). Vitamins are your brains new BFF - Vitamins B6, B12 and folic acid are recognised to decrease levels of homocysteine in the blood. So why is decreasing homocysteine levels good? (I hear you ask...) Well dearest reader, homocysteine at high levels is associated with an elevated risk of stroke, cognitive impairment and Alzheimer’s disease. This was supported by a recent study that supplemented a group with Vitamin B12 & B6 and found those in a group with supplemented with high levels actually encountered smaller brain shrinkage. So you heard it heard it here first, eat a diet rich in fruit and vegetables to decrease your brain shrinkage!

“So why is decreasing homocysteine levels good? (I hear you ask)…”

Ditch the Patent Prada Tote, blueberries are your minds ultimate accessory this season. A recent U.S study suggested that the consumption of blueberries is effective in improving short term memory loss. So grab yourself a blueberry smoothie to aid your midnight exam cramming! So we’ve had a little explore of just how important nutrition is for mental reasoning, but I cannot stress enough that whilst many food components do have proven benefits, you still need a balanced diet to see these effects. Happy revising, OB xoxo

Rohan Kon reads the fine print and advices you on what food substitutions you should be making The offender #1 Walkers Lights – a bag of crisps is the perfect completion of a quick lunch – in association with a good sandwich (cheese and pickle, please). When switching to a summer shred diet, Walkers Lights offer what may seem like a helpful replacement, with approximately 20 calories less than a full fat bag. But, look a little closer… and discover that where the calories are slightly lowered, the salt and sugar is slightly increased. This means that although the Lights may seem like the healthier option, the extra salt and sugar will do your blood pressure no good!

With summer (and the terrifying notion of bearing any flesh in public) fast approaching, lots of us are starting to scrutinize the wide array of diets on offer, considering their difficulty and effectiveness: Will I be able to stick to it? Will I lose a pound a week? Whether it be the faddish 5:2, or the tried and tested Weight Watchers, most diets rely on calorie counting and low fat foods. However, the ‘low fat’ label is not always to be trusted. Many foods which claim to be diet versions of ordinary products actually contain higher sugars and salts which are bad for your health in other ways.

The offender #2 Diet Coke – recent studies have started to confirm that there is a link between frequent consumption of Diet Coke and the mutation of cells which may lead to cancer. The offending ingredient is the exact one that makes the Coke diet – it’s the replacement of real sugar with the artificial sweetener, aspartame. Although we may want to cut the calories, damaging your body in this way (for the sake of a glass of brown bubbles) is really not worth it.

The alternative #1 Tyrrells’ savoury popcorn – savoury popcorn is at the height of foodie fashion as many crisps manufacturers are now releasing their own excitingly flavoured ranges of the stuff. Savoury popcorn is generally low calorie, and low salt, and so is pretty much a win win product. The choice of flavours – such as Tyrrells’ Sour Cream and Jalapeno Chilli flavour, or Sensations’ Sweet Indian Spices flavour – is just a bonus.

The alternative #2 There isn’t really a healthy way to drink a fizzy drink. Either it will be full of real sugar (and therefore won’t do your diet any favours), or full of artificial sweeter (which is best avoided). My advice would be to stick to water because consumption of around 1.5-2 litres a day will help you to lose weight, will stop you being tired, is good for your skin, your brain, your immune system... and did I mention it is pretty cheap too?! If you really fancy something fizzy you could mix fizzy water with fruit juice, but try to keep fizzy drinks for treats – or to be mixed with your celebratory vodka after exams are over.

Love the skin you’re in With beach bod season looming in the not too distant future talk of detoxes, diets and thinspiration are cropping up left right and centre, all in the determination to achieve this perceived perfect body. I myself have always struggled to be confident in my own skin and having played sport all my life have been around these conversations for what feels like far too long. Of course it’s great to be fit and healthy and it really wouldn’t suck to be the person with the almighty six-pack or dat ass that everyone admires from afar… until you come to the realization that you wasted several months squatting to achieve alleged perfection for the benefit of other people, not for yourself. If you’re happy spending £40 a month for that gym and spa then fine but just remember that your friends love you for who you are, not what you look like. If you’ve got the money going spare, fine, but I prefer to hang with my friends and save my pennies than spend my life in a vest. Saying that, I do have a bench and weights set in my uni bedroom but that’s more because I’m still in the process of cricket preseason and about to start football pre-season.

It may seem hypocritical me saying that but what I’m trying to say is that such manic body sculpting is done in the search of a massive ego boost. While confidence does help you be comfortable in your own skin also love a good old-fashioned night in the pub with a pint. So it’s about a balance I suppose, do whatever makes you happy but body confidence isn’t just about physical appearance, it’s about mental well being and there is evidence that shows that exercise can help that. Obviously, it’s not all about how you’re body looksyou can be more comfortable with yourself by choosing a style that not only suits you as a person but also your personality and so you love the clothes you’re in. What I’m saying is that if you feel that you are wearing something that helps you look in the mirror and say ‘you know, I actually look alright today’ then you’re onto a winner. But it’s not about all the fake tan and the make up- the no make up selfie trend reminded everyone how incredible girls look without make up. It’s society and other people around us that push us to look and do certain things with the objective of being cool. At the end of the day it’s a highly individualistic thing but in my opinion you should stick to these. Josh Nicholson

#1 #2 #3

Do I feel ok with myself? Does how I look make me want to show other people that I’m ok with the way I am? Does my bum look big in this? Just joking. Do you really care what other people think of you?

Josh’s bikini body

The Courier

lifestyle.15

Tuesday 6 May 2014

You taking the diss?

In the run up to summer a lot of you final years will inevitably feel stressed about your dissertations. If you’re tired of the mundane topic you’ve been given by your supervisor, Tom Nicholson and Evie O’Sullivan bring you their topics to prove that dissertations aren’t necessarily always boring

Cock, piss, Partridge Two days before the deadline for my dissertation proposal, I was a little lost. Ideas had come and gone, each one slightly worse than the last. Deep in thought, I crossed my room to grab some biscuits. In fact, I was so deep in thought that I tripped over a pile of shoes and fell headfirst into my bookshelf. A cascade of books clattered over my head. When I came to, the first thing I saw was the cover of I, Partridge: We Need To Talk About Alan, the autobiography of Norwich’s favourite son. It was then that I realised Providence had gifted me the mother of dissertation topics. So, now I’m going to spend my summer writ-

ing about I’m Alan Partridge and to what extent the boorish, crass and unwarrantedly arrogant Alan Partridge constitutes a character who exists to ridicule men who attempt to perform extant codes of masculinity which are inappropriate in a country and time characterised for some critics by a ‘crisis’ in masculinity. Partridge has long held a very particular place of affection in my heart, chiefly because of the deep pathos which runs throughout the series and Partridge’s character in particular: he is a man who is at once cocksure and extremely mentally brittle; he is desperate to be liked but dismissive of most people around him. There’s probably going to be

Ignorance is Bliss

a good 1500 words on his date at Longstanton Owl Sanctuary alone, and a dissection of exactly what his confused feelings for transgender women might entail (“Ladyboys… looks like a woman, but actually it’s a man. I don’t find them attractive, it’s just confusing.”) I might well end up having flashbacks to the dream sequence in which Partridge dances for Tony Hayers in a rubber thong (“It’s vulcanised, so it won’t perish”) and a Pringle sweater with nipple holes cut out for some time after hand-in, but I daresay the academic world will thank me for it.

Penetration dissertation

My dissertation is called ‘The Vampire: the male phallic fantasy’ and I’m writing on Bram Stoker’s famous Dracula among other texts. To sum it up in two words, it’s basically about vampire sex, and lots of it. Just to give you an idea, some of the key words I’m using in my dissertation are: penetration, phallic, blood, semen, ejaculation, masturbation, and oral stimulation. Being on the erotic side of the line, it has certainly kept me stimulated this year, but there is actually a lot more to it than meets the eye. I luckily had an amazing dissertation

supervisor who helped me through just about every stage of the project. He got me hooked on Freud and Foucault, and in doing so, my dissertation rapidly turned into a sort of psychosexual Victorian investigation into desire and repressed sexuality. In my diss, I classify the vampire as a figure of liberated infantile sexuality. And, as any English lit student will know, gender comes into just about everything, so one of my key lines of argument is that men project their fears and anxieties onto women, and that women represent a mediating form through

which male homosocial and homosexual bonds are harnessed. So predictably, and yet pretty accurately considering the context of when the texts were written, I talk a looooot about how men dominate women… sexually, socially, mentally etc. My third chapter in particular was fun... There’s lots of juicy bits about sperm candles, masculine virility, female climaxes, phallic stakes, and even phallic pens. So yeah, that’s my diss… Promise I’m not really that much of a perve.

How to be an interview diva Listen up soon to be graduates: It’s a dog eat dog world out there in the 21st century job market but here’s some FOOLPROOF tips that will guarantee your transition from BNOC to diva will be nothing but ﬂawless

There is no competition. There is only you. The prestigious publishing house has whittled the applications down to just you and one other person and you’ve both been invited to down to the main offices in Cambridge. The other candidate wishes you good luck as she leaves the interview room. Look her up and down, snort, throw your hair back and simply say “Honey, with kitten heels like that on YOU’RE the one who needs luck”. Then offer to go to get her some water from the water cooler to reinforce the fact that you’re really good with people.

It’s not what you know or who you know… it’s what you WEAR. It’s the day before the big interview with the Manchester based PR company that represents the stars of Coronation Street and you’re stressing about what to wear for the interview. Don’t panic: Just remember that there is always that one ‘go to’ staple that works wonders in every situation and is bound to impress your future employees. “But what is it, dear Ja’mie?” I hear you asking… why, Chanel No. 5 of course.

Confidence is key. You’re sat in the interview room of a well-established law firm in Marylebone and the CEO of the entire company is opposite you. He asks you if you think you’re the right person for the job. Now’s not the time to mention that totally lame internship you did in that family run solicitors based in Wallsend. The fact you got a first in every Law exam you did the whole time you were at University is irrelevant. Simply smile coyly, bat your false eyelashes and proudly declare “bitch please, I shit fabulous” to ensure that you give off the right balance of confidence and enthusiasm.

Be honest about your weaknesses. You’ve applied for a job at a Harley Street liposuction clinic and the practice manager is giving you a grilling. “Do you have any weaknesses?” They ask you. Pause for a few seconds for thought and put your delicately manicured finger on your chin. Then give them the honest answer of “James Franco’s shirtless bed selfies” to demonstrate that you are aware of your own flaws and how to work around them.

Suzie Bliss

Don’t take no for an answer. NEVER SURRENDER The edgy and urban hipster magazine based in Shoreditch didn’t feel that you were quite right for their editorial team, so unfortunately they’ve emailed you a rejection letter. BUT THAT’S OKAY. Find out which cosmopolitan cocktail bar the magazine’s editor frequents and show up one evening when they’re out with friends. Approach them with a smile on your face and a flirtini in your hand. Throw the flirtini in their face screaming “YOU MADE ME DO THIS” to show that you’re actually really passionate about this job. Then order a bottle of Prosecco for everybody.

he occasions where ignorance hits us hardest have to be the turmoils of the heart. Nothing hurts more than the sting of a cheater, especially when that pesky little wasp has been lying to your face for weeks.

“Jesmond is a prime example of place where gossip travels faster than free cupcakes” A recent experience made me wake up and smell the roses; we are blinded by love and the perks of smug couple life – the romantic gestures, flowers, cooking meals together, having someone to ‘snuggle’ (shudder) with, giving each other cutesy nicknames, or quite simply just having someone that accepts you for who you are, no matter what you look and smell like in the morning – but we fail to notice the false promises that come with it. You have dared to say those three magic words, and lo and behold… maybe after a few tense weeks, with what feels like the nation watching you, your loved one expresses the same feelings in return. You are in love and it is Blissful (if I do say so myself). Or so it seems. Cracks start to show in your relationship when rumours start to circulate through the streets. Jesmond is a prime example of a place where gossip travels faster than free cupcakes outside the library. And of course, when I say travelled through the streets, I really mean that a barrage of texts have been sent back and forth, all discussing the infidelity of your boyfriend/girlfriend. Without sufficient evidence you choose not to believe that they have slept with ‘that skank’. For a brief period of time your relationship seems stronger than ever – you’re being told those three little words almost daily, and you’ve decided that you both ‘trust’ each other, so people can talk about you all they want, nothing can break your trust circle.

“Things get so tense for them they have to resort to going for a drink with their dog” But sooner or later, the pressure of the rumours not only starts to affect your relationship, but also takes its toll on your friendships. Of course, your friends want to be there for you through the hard times, but they are also the ones holding the big wooden spoon, stirring everything up. If you haven’t found solid evidence of cheating, your friends have; they have hard facts from a friend’s flatmate’s sister’s cousin’s boss’ daughter-in-law that the rumours are true and all over Oxford. Whoever this mysterious person may be, it is a really reliable source and your friend always claims that ‘I know this girl.’ Your friends start off by harbouring the secret, while they watch you staring at your loved one through rose-tinted glasses. Things get so tense for them they can’t even look humans in the eye anymore, and have to resort to going for a drink with their dog. Then they say that dreaded sentence that makes you want to cry and punch them in the face all at the same time: ‘I know this isn’t the best time to tell you’ – no telling me while I’m enjoying myself at a party is NOT a good time – ‘and I wanted you to hear it from me because I’m your friend’ – I’m really starting to question our friendship now, you inconsiderate… - ‘but the rumours are true. He/ She (although normally he) has cheated on you.’ And as I watched Binky collapse into what was either acted forced tears, or genuine ugly crying, I realised two things. First – friends should tell you straight away so that you aren’t made the ignorant fool on national television. And secondly, as we embark on our final term of the year, which for many of us if the final term ever, rules were made to be broken. #GOLDRUSH.

16.fashion

Tuesday 6 May 2014

The Courier

Fashion Editors: Frances Stephenson and Amy O’Rourke Deputy Fashion Editor: Bex Finney

NCL fashion Simply the fest Sara Macauley shows us how to get summer savvy with festival style week Kathy Davidson

his year it’s even bigger and better than before. Starting on Friday 9th May and finishing Saturday 17th May this year’s Newcastle Fashion Week has something to offer everyone from catwalk shows to industry talks to exclusive nights out. This is perfect for a bit of down time before exams start the following week and a great way to take your mind off the impending doom of exam period. Having attended last year I can vouch for a guaranteed good time. It’s a great way to network if you’re interested in making a name in any aspect of the fashion industry (I got to meet Company editor Victoria White which was a pretty amazing opportunity).

“NCL fashion week has something to offer everyone from catwalk shows to industry talks to exclusive nights out” There are so many big names are involved with the week including Vivienne Westwood, Company magazine and Fenwick making it even more special. The line up this year really shows the hard work that has been put into organising such a big event that showcases all the amazing fashion the North East has to offer; there will definitely be something up your street.

“Cult classic Clueless will be shown at House of Smith 2pm, 11th May” My picks include ‘Clueless: Class of 2012’, a viewing of the cult classic Clueless at House of Smith (2pm, 11th May), and ‘Get Into Fashion’ industry talks at Northumbria University Law School (12 onwards, 16th May). There’s so much more on offer though so to see the full line up head over to the website. Many of the events are ticketed so make sure you book a place at www.getintonewcastle.co.uk

f you’re lucky enough to be heading to the sun soaked festival that is Benicassim this year. I’m extremely jealous if you are. Make sure you keep your look relaxed and colourful. A light kaftan like this little Topshop number can be thrown over a bikini when you’re chilling on the beach, and will also carry you through to the early hours of the morning (just make sure to pop some shorts underneath if you’re planning to party.) A headband like this one from Miss Selfridge is bang on trend and adds a bit more of a beachy vibe to your festival look, and a patterned straw bag like this one is big enough to keep all your festival essentials in. Finish your outfit off with a pair of comfy sandals or jelly shoes to ensure you can keep dancing with the best of them.

or me, Reading and Leeds fest has always been the perfect excuse to let your punky inner self out. With a line up which includes the likes of Arctic Monkeys, The 1975 and Blink 182, this event calls for your edgiest attire - think layers of mesh, scuffed up shoes and chokers galore. This little sun shaped necklace instantly adds a bit of rock to any outfit and was a steal at only £3 from Ebay - the perfect purse-friendly accessory. For this potential mud fest you’re going to need a pair of shoes that can stand their ground, and Doc Martens are the alternative shoe of choice for those who don’t want to rock the well versed Wellington boot. A pair of classic denim Levi’s is a festival veteran and the shirt tied around the waist adds an extra pinch of cool.

his year’s theme for Bestival is ‘Desert Island Disco,’ which I’ve interpreted as an excuse to wear my most ridiculous items of clothing at the same time. I’ve chosen to adorn myself head to toe in shiny metallics, with this Louise Gray for Topshop dress taking centre stage. At Bestival, the key is to stand out, so think glitter, face and body paint, interesting fabrics and fun prints (giant sequin smiley face anyone?) The line up at Bestival is always poppy and fun, so it’s important your footwear of choice is comfy enough to carry you through your dance-filled day. These holographic canvas trainers from H&M are cheap and are a bit more fun than your classic trainer, or alternatively, a pair of silver juju jellies would fit the fun theme well.

#CastMeMarc

Charlotte Maxwell tells us how fashion royalty are now using social media to find the next big thing in the modelling world

n some ways this is both a ludicrous and ingenious method of finding your next model. When this appeared in my twitter feed, I thought it was a pretty entertaining joke but then of course it dawned on me that this was real.

The social media bods behind Marc Jacobs had decided that a casting call via Twitter and Instagram was the way forward. It does worry me that they couldn’t come up with anything else to do or maybe it is just a genius method of picking up some raw talent. There is a huge spiel of instructions and terms and conditions on the Marc Jacobs website- but, I’m pretty sure just by being human (hopefully), that most entrants will not have read these. In fact, it is mostly likely that the majority of the entries sporting the hastag were a mixture of genuine modelling portfolio photos, amateur attempts at the latter or just some shameless selfies. There are of course, those people who just want to get on every hashtag bandwagon, which makes it questionable whether this type of casting call really works. Some social media slave will have to troll through all these images and it is likely that some genuine entries with potential could be missed. Not to mention the hashtag could bring the entrant a flood of negative comments criticising their modelling ability, or worse, their looks. However, I do believe that anything is a nice change from the traditional casting call as carting your A3 portfolio around is maybe a bit old schoolbut, it depends how classical you like these things. Maybe social media casting calls can be the new classic (no intentional link to Iggy Azalea there).

As this was such an original advertising movement that is open to the floor, it’s possibly the new gateway for less conventional models- i.e. not 5ft 8 plus and with minuscule proportions. Marc Jacobs may well have just placed a little ripple in the industry. I like that.

The Courier

fashion.17

Tuesday 6 May 2014

thecourieronline.co.uk/fashion c2.fashion@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Fashion

The kicks are all white

Martha Ngatchu tells us how to rock the white sandal trend with a playful nineties twist

Topshop £32

La Red oute

hite is the ultimate colour for Spring/ Summer and this season, it’s all about the chunky white sandal. This particular shoe, much like the jelly shoe, dances on the fine line of fashionista and four year old girl, however it is possible to rock this look without looking like an overgrown pre-school child. The chunky flatform gives the white sandal a bit of a playful nineties edge (think Spice Girls circa 1996), making it a great way to add a bit of retro

chic without looking like an awful throwback. When rocking the white sandal, I opted for a monochromatic colour palette. I feel like keeping the colour palette monochromatic makes the shoe feel more grown up. I opted for a pair of Topshop Jamie jeans and a Forever 21 leotard as a base. I cuffed the jeans and added a pair of frilly socks to really emphasise the shoes. Adding a chunky grey cardigan, relaxes the whole look and also makes this ensemble perfect

for the current transitional weather. A structured little white satchel ties in the white of the sandals perfectly and keeps the whole silhouette quite grown up. Taking inspiration from Coachella, light denim and white are almost synonymous with Spring Summer so a pair of light wash shorts make a perfect base for a look. Going for an acid wash instead of a regular wash plays up the edgy side of the sandals, so I paired them with some Mom shorts.

Once again I tied in the white of the shoes with a white Topshop crop top. A printed kimono brings a bit of colour and detail to this look, making it a perfect summer festival look. A statement necklace and a straw hat, like this one from La Redoute, gives the whole ensemble a cool LA vibe. Throw on a pair of quirky sunglasses, like these ones from Accessorize, and you’re ready to go frolicking in the sun.

Sun, sex and suspicious sandals Daisy Ridley tells us how to get the perfect summer look and stay on trend this season

oco Chanel herself, first introduced the Breton look into the Fashion world. The stripes originated from the seafairers and sailors uniform in Northern France; thanks to these old sailors, it is a look that will never go out of fashion. Old Hollywood icons from Marylin Monroe and Audrey Hepburn, to the celebs of today sport this classic look. All over the high street this season, stripes are making an even bigger comeback. A Breton Top is a key item to have in your wardrobe as it literally goes with anything, under dungarees for a casual 90’s look or dressed up with a pencil skirt for an evening out with mates. Why not even carry on the matchy-matchy trend? The co-ord look is bang on trend this season so don’t shy away from matching pieces, it’s now officially cool to co-ordinate. With this cute looking set from ASOS, and in the words of Ashley Madekwe, ‘If in doubt... Red lips & stripes.’ I’m sold! Race you to the shops girls.

gly Shoes are in, yep, you heard me. It is finally time for you to raid your mum’s shoe collection for those Birkenstocks she bought all those years ago, that you thought were totally cringe. Designers have increasingly been more considerate, taking into account the busy lives of us women, by bringing out chunky flat shoes, so that we can race to the reduced section in Tescos or casually stroll to lectures without breaking our necks or feet. Back in 2013, chunky flat slip-ons were spotted on the Parisian catwalk. The team at American Vogue love this trend, and our very own Brit girl, Kate Moss. We all remember the fresh-faced image from the late 90s when she was seen modelling a pair of classic white Birkenstocks. It’s not all bad news with this key investment piece, you’d be surprised how flattering a chunky shoe can look on the leg. But the most important thing to remember when sporting this look is making sure you’ve got a fresh pedicure to go with them.

lorals for Spring? Ground Breaking. We all know which Hollywood script that came from. And we all know that florals pop up Spring after Spring. But 2014 brings ‘freaky florals’ like you’ve never seen them before. Girls! It’s time to get your floral funk on and go mad, whether it’s matchy-matchy or clashy-clashy. Floral fabrics are a key investment piece this season. Check out the latest styles in 3D embellishments but if the price is at odds with your student budget do not despair. Head for the nearest vintage or charity shop and let your imagination run wild; there’s no reason why you can’t create your own 3D style to plant on top of your favourite dress. Or check out the back of your dad’s wardrobe, you might even find a classic Hawaiian shirt that’s not been seen since Benidorm ’73. He won’t tell if you don’t! Once you’ve perfected that ultimate indie look you could end up tiptoeing in the tulip fields after fashion goddesses Olivia Palermo and quirky Taylor Swift.

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Tuesday 6 May 2014

The Courier

Beauty Editors: Saﬁya Ahmed and Amy Macauley

Brushed under the rug

Hannah Bullimore and Charlotte Maxwell debate whether warning signs should be put on airbrushed photos in magazines or whether it’s the attitude of the entire industry that needs to change

Yes - Photoshopped images are misleading

or most of us when we flick through the pages of our favourite magazines we know that the faces we see are enhanced not just by make-up but by some clever computer magic. Retouching has been used for years now and it can be seen in pretty much every magazine, but in recent years many have wondered whether it can be right to present an unattainable image of beauty to the world.

‘‘I understand the argument that magazines are selling something. They can be seen as a form of escapism just like a good book or film”

rywhere, it is fair to say that a lot of damage is still being done. It is not just the extremes of eating disorders that are the concern here either. It is the increasing pressure on everyone to look perfect, particularly the young. I am not suggesting that retouching is removed entirely. However, if a simple measure such as this can be brought in to help us all love ourselves that little bit more then how can that be wrong?

No - They’d make no difference

irstly, I will just point out that I am not on team airbrush. However, I feel that pointing out that images have been airbrushed will not make a massive difference to the industry or its influence. Scientists have stated that providing a warning will help raise self-esteem and support the prevention of mental health disorders. If the warning is in microscopic print - and given the industry, it will be - that warning is not going to be seen by everyone. It is the actual presence of these images that is the prob-

lem and adding a label will not change this. In the ideal situation, there would be no airbrushing point blank and that way, people would not be so mindful of their so-called ‘flaws’ that are dictated to them by the media.

‘‘It’s the labelling what constitutes ‘beauty’ that has caused the rise of airbrushing in the first place”

And then of course, there is the age old question of how many people actually read the warning labels on anything? I’m not in any way suggesting that we should just scrap all warning labels - I’m just pointing out that they don’t really get read. And how informative is a label that says ‘this image has been airbrushed’? What needs to change is the mechanics of the industry- and right now I can imagine some of you saying that this is the first step. But, I feel that one thing we need to take out of this industry is ‘labels’- it’s the labelling situation of what constitutes ‘beauty’ that has caused the rise of air-brushing in the first place. And there is of course the issue that a so-called ‘warning label’ will just increase the number of air-brushed images in the media. This would merely encourage us to feast our eyes on more fake perfection and would not show us what natural beauty is. If anything, the industry needs to take a leaf out of Boots’ book. They featured a non-airbrushed cover girl for their spring edition and she looks stunning. Have they given this enough publicity? No- but it’s an amazing start. It’s about time the industry promoted natural beauty, rather than just pointing the finger at so-called ‘perfection’.

I understand the argument that magazines are selling something. They can be seen as a form of escapism just like a good book or film. Some scientists concerned with the increasing number of young people suffering from eating disorders and low self-esteem are suggesting that a grading scale be brought in. This measure would grade the amount of retouching used from 1 to 5 to help educate readers on just how much photoshopping goes into those perfect images we see every day. The charity Beat states on their website that 1.6 million people in the UK are suffering from an eating disorder and that up to 6.4% of adults in this country have some form of eating disorder. Anorexia, bulimia and unspecific eating disorders are on the rise and the obsession with size 0 was very publicly debated in the media for a number of years. Although healthier looking models are now being featured in magazines and by designers eve-

Be a ﬂappy bird

The Great Gatsby-fuelled craze for 1920s flapper style doesn’t show any signs of slowing down. Charlotte Davies tells you how to get the look Skin

Time to forget the dewy look of today and ditch the fake tan, the 20s was all about porcelain skin. In fact, this decade was the one to coin the phrase ‘powdering your nose’. So stay both matte and pale with your foundation and don’t forget to finish with powder. Resist the cry of your bronzer and instead opt for a bright pink blush to add a dash of vibrant colour. Women would apply a popping colour in circular rather than angular motions to the apple of their cheeks at this time so be sure to follow this technique. The good news? Makeup was slightly excessive at this time, so don’t be afraid to pile it on. It’s the perfect excuse to say goodbye to natural (cough, boring…) makeup. This time round, less most definitely is not more.

Eyes

Next , for they eyes. We’ve all played about with the classic smokey eye. And yes you guessed it, we have the glamorous ladies of the 1920s to thank for this statement style. Back then, women would use coal to add some dark drama to their look. Don’t panic, I’m not suggesting we have another try at this technique. Instead just remember the darker the better in order to embrace this 20s vibe.

Lips Now its time for lips. A red lip is the ultimate icon for 1920s makeup. Whether it’s a deep raspberry or more orangey tone, this look is the perfect 1920s statement. However, the perfect pout wasn’t achieved as simply as this. Of course not. Women would dab concealer around the edges of the lips to allude to a fuller, heart shaped pout. This adds heavy emphasis to the centre of the lips. Do the same for a perfected cupids bow. Next, add a darker liner to the contour of your lips and gently smudge to complete this look.

The finishing touch

And finally, for a bit of extra vintage use a brown liner to draw on a marilyn’esque mole. Yes, I know this isn’t intrinsically twenties, but it oozes class and is the perfect finish to any era’s look!

Illustrations by Emily North

The Courier

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Tuesday 6 May 2014

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Mix up your makeup

Grace Beddow shows us how to avoid getting stuck in a rut and tries out three different looks over three days Look 2: Statement lip and bronzed base

Look 1: Cat eye liner and natural base

Colours of spring

Charlotte Dickson nails the three key colours to include in your bag for a fresh new look this Spring

White

Look 3: Au naturale

he idea that a winged liner look has its place only on the dance floor or at an evening occasion is thankfully no longer held and a cat eye look can undoubtedly make an appearance before dark. A flick of liquid liner can work wonders, by not only elongating the eye but also by making lashes appear thicker at their roots. On the days where we somehow have an extra 5 minutes to do our makeup, liquid eyeliner is a quick, but effective way to dramatically change the overall appearance of your makeup. For those of us that are not gifted with a steady hand, a felt tip style liner pen is a great place to start, such as Loreal’s Superliner (£6.49) or Rimmel’s Exaggerate liquid eyeliner (£5.29).To keep this look day-appropriate, it’s nice to keep the rest of the makeup quite neutral, perhaps with a BB cream base and tinted lip balm.

lthough wearing a bright lipstick (if your daily routine consists of reaching for the nearest lip salve) will feel like the most daring thing you’ll do all that day, it will certainly give you a boost of self-assurance. Despite being among the many overused and predictable Marilyn Monroe/ Audrey Hepburn style Instagram quotes, there is something about wearing a bright lipstick that gives the wearer a new air of confidence because you’re stepping out of your comfort zone. A bold pink lip stands out beautifully accompanied with dewy, natural looking bronzed skin and very little eye makeup. Wearing a suitably summery coral or red shade on the lips will certainly break a boring routine of neutral lip balms and, as Poppy King says ‘suddenly you feel more capable than you did without it’, so it’s surely worth a try.

or some, being stuck in a makeup rut can mean always reaching for the same high coverage foundation and applying masses of concealer, despite there being many days when a lower coverage would be adequate. A tip here would be to assess your skin each morning and consider whether a foundation is necessary, or if a tinted moisturiser will suffice, as, on the ‘good skin days’, you want to show off your naturally clear skin and not hide it behind a mask of foundation. Additionally, if you have a habit of wearing false lashes regularly, or just generally unthinkingly apply lashings of mascara, trying something new may be to cut down on the eye makeup. Opting for a natural brown mascara and a light swipe of a neutral eye shadow (Urban Decay Naked Palette is always a winner) could be an easy way to break out of a monotonous routine.

Fake tan fan? Tom Tibble argues why you should ditch the natural look and embrace the tango

his week’s hyped-up hogwash Lad opinions focus on fake tan, the one thing that every Lad unanimously loves. There’s nothing so repulsive for The Lad species when they see a Lass and are left wondering as to why she is so overly caked in real skin. If a Lass isn’t repping the citrus quota of your fruit bowl (we’re talking your oranges, your tangerines, your carrots) then she’s probably applied a full face and body of real skin, a ghastly look that probably originates from the horrors of normality. The 5-a-day mantra for The Ideal Lad specimen

‘‘If a Lass isn’t repping the citrus quota of your fruit bowl then she’s probably applied a full face and body of Real Skin”

means many things - five Lasses, five bottles of vodka, five trips to the gym, five scenarios of scandalous banter, five hundred percent too loud car speakers blasting out vacuous trash. Whatever the average Lad can manage, The Ideal Lad can handle five of - it’s as simple as that. There is of course one problem with being this scandalously Laddish, it can be a drain on time and so priorities must be sorted. This is where the concept of Ladcumulation comes into play. If you haven’t already deduced, Ladcumulation is all

about how much The ‘Lad’ can ‘accumulate’ into one action of Laddishness, often finding that combining multiple Laddish tasks together not only heightens the enjoyment of them, but also frees up time for yet more tomfoolery later on in the day. Lad365 is a website mad for all things Lad. Lads mail in their most gnarly Ladcumulator proposals and Lad365 returns the proposal with an odds score. If The Lad completes the proposed Ladcumulator then he’s on for a big win and possibly even a place in the Ladcumulator Hall of Fame, a place for only the most Ladventurous. So when a Lad finds a Lass that doubles up as vitamin C binge, he is hugely approving. A quick Twitter search of the hashtag # F a k e Ta n RealMan will provide you with some of the most stunning Ladcumulator’s of recent times. Our favourite of the week was a tweet from an undisputed Ideal Lad, @ GlowingGlen90, as he declared ‘Picked up a juicy

radiant hottie at the grocery section today, but enough about the oranges… #wheyyy #fruitshoot.’ GlowingGlen90 certainly knows a thing or two about double-entendre. His tweet just about sums it up; Lads love fake tan, so Lasses stop overcoating yourselves in real skin and go with the natural.

hite is a fresh shade for spring and due to the little illusions it can create on the face, white eyeliner or eye shadow are what I consider a makeup bag essential. A little dab in the inner corner of the eyes can instantly make you look more awake and a sweep along the lower waterline can make your eyes look bigger. My personal favourite is the Rimmel Soft Kohl Kajal Eyeliner Pencil as it is affordable and easy to apply. The Spring/Summer ’14 catwalks, such as Kenzo, applied white liner along the upper lash line and this can be a fresh alternative to the traditional black, and for an extra punch you could pair a bright pink or orange lip with it (see the J. JS Lee show for inspiration). White nails are also big this season and Essie’s Blanc has been creating a buzz on many beauty blogs. White is a lot more versatile than most think and so should not be overlooked as a key spring colour.

Orange

From neon to coral, bright orange was also a favourite in the Spring/Summer fashion shows and is a perfect warm colour for summer. Matte orange lips created a storm on the Rag & Bone runway, and Revlon’s ColourBurst Crayon Matte Balm in ‘Mischievous’ is a great product to recreate this look with. Orange blush can also be a fresh alternative to pink, and Topshop have a nice selection of easy-to-wear shades, including the powder blush in ‘Do It Again’ and cream blush in ‘Head Over Heals’ (which is a lot more pinky upon application). Orange nails also look lovely with a tan, and Models Own have brought out a new range called ‘Polishes for Tans’ and their orange shade ‘Beach Bag’ is a lovely muted neon.

Light berry

Although dark purple, vampy lips are a thing of the Winter (or all year round if you’re Lorde), lighter berry shades also act as an alternative to conventional pink. The key aspect of this look is the texture, lips should be kept sheer and glossy, and cream blushes should be used on the cheeks to ensure that this look is brought into spring. The following lip glosses are a great way to try out the trend if you can get your hands on them, and these are Jouer’s Lip Enhancer in Shiraz and Estée Lauder’s Pure Color High Gloss. At a more student friendly price Maybelline’s Dream Bouncy Blush in Plume Wine imparts a deeper flush than a delicate pink, and makeup artist Charlotte Willer used this on models at DKNY, claiming that the soft purple shade ‘gives the face freshness’. Therefore, a soft berry purple can be brought into spring as long as the rest of the skin is kept dewy.

Join SCAN, a lively student led charity which provides you with endless opportunities to share a little bit of your time and energy for the benefit of the local community. With over 200 worthwhile volunteering opportunities to pick from, there is always something that will suit you.

www.nusu.co.uk/SCAN facebook.com/SCANncl instagram.com/SCANncl

Want to see an advert for your company or soceity here?

Email [editor.union@ncl.ac.uk] and [marketingadmin.union@ncl.ac.uk] for more details

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Tuesday 6 May 2014

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Listings Premier League Darts 8th May Metro Radio Arena

Some people think of horse-racing as the sport of kings. If that’s true, then darts is the sport of Big hitters like reigning champ Michael van Gerwen (who once did the tiling in Dennis Bergkamp’s house, fact fans) and Phil ‘the Power’ Taylor will be in attendance. As beloved as Taylor is, one can’t help but feel he could have maximised his lovability by calling himself Phil ‘the rhythm, Phil the rhyme, get on up it’s darts time’ Taylor instead. Alas. Still, very few people are actually there for the darts, are they? It’s all about getting a big eight-pint pitcher down you and singing The Darts Song. You know, the one that goes “OI OI OI”. Tickets from £20

Should a Feminist Dance the Tango? 8th May Curtis Auditorium

Tango often gets a pretty bad rap for being an embodiment of strict, diametrically opposed gender roles, but this lecture seeks to explore how the tensions and contradictions of the form intersect with contemporary feminist thought. I mean, the answer’s probably going to be that a feminist should be allowed to dance however she bloody well likes because she’s beholden to nobody but herself, but presumably there’ll be a little more nuance to it than that. Free

An Evening with Kevin Keegan 9th May Lancastrian Suite

The ex-England and Newcastle United boss would love it – LOVE IT – if you’d come along and hear him talk about his life and career. Perhaps he’ll explain what the hell he was thinking when he decided Dennis Wise was worth bringing to Euro 2000, or whether he keeps in touch with Tino Asprilla these days. Perhaps he won’t. Either way, King Kev should be decent value. That said, An Evening With Kevin Keegan does sort of imply that he’s going to do some singing at some point. Nobody likes to see that sort of thing in the modern game, etc. Tickets £tbc

Newcastle Uni Symphony Orchestra 10th May King’s Hall

Who knew that there was a pretty bloody tasty symphony orchestra right on your doorstep and available to you for a fiver? Well, we did, but then again that’s kind of our job. As well as the big ensemble pieces, soloist Jenny Chang will perform Sibelius Violin Concerto in D Minor, Op. 47, as well as Rachmaninov Symphony No. 2 in E Minor. £5

Professor Green 10th May O2 Academy

The former protégé of Mike Skinner (a.k.a. the Streets) seems to have rather lost his sense of humour of late – the self-deprecating streak which made ‘Need You Tonight’ sound so fresh has been quietly shelved in favour of the kind of earnest, 8 Mile style self-empowerment guff suitable only for energy drink adverts – but by all accounts he’s still a big live draw. His third album, Growing Up in Public (awful title) is out on May 12th, and the lead single ‘Are You Getting Enough?’ features Miles Kane (awful man). No, it doesn’t sound promising but then neither did vanilla Coke and look how that turned out. Just don’t expect the Prof to sort out your dissertation for you. Tickets £21

Katy Perry 10th May Metro Radio Arena

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? If you do, come on down and see Katy Perry, who knows exactly that feeling. She’s just released the fourth single from Prism, so based on past form that means we’ve still got about 18 months of this album campaign to run. And who knows, maybe Michael van Gerwen will hang around for a few days after the darts and open the evening with his Dutch techno-funk. Tickets £39.50

Godzilla (1954) 11th May Tyneside Cinema

As the latest incarnation of the nuclear-powered Jurassic arsehole gears itself up for general release this summer, why not go back to the beginning and see where it all began? The original incarnation speaks directly to the nuclear terror of the early atomic age: it’s not much of a coincidence that Godzilla mutates because of radiation from nuclear waste and decides to terrorise Japan, only nine years after Hiroshima and Nagasaki were devastated. Plus, Godzilla was the first kaiju, or ‘strange creature’, in cinema. You know the sort - massive monsters which look a lot like a bloke in a rubbery suit who usually spend their leisure time stamping on cardboard buildings in slow motion. If we’d not had Godzilla, we’d never have had Mothman or the Stay Puft marshmallow man. What a legacy. Tickets from £3.20

22.arts

Tuesday 6 May 2014

The Courier

Arts Editors: Millie Walton and Charlie Dearnley Deputy Arts Editor: Laura Wotton

De-stress creatively

With deadlines and exams looming, Ria Fretwell-Deery ﬁnds the most creative and unconventional ways of dealing with stress

Meditate

There are many different forms of meditation, but the most common is focused-attention or mindful meditation. With these you focus on a particular thing – an object, your breathing or a sensation in your body. This strong focus on one particular point is meant to draw all your energy back to that focal point. Scientific research has shown that when we meditate our brain stops processing information as efficiently as normal. This means after a short period of around 20 minutes meditating there is a decrease in beta waves in our brains, meaning we can focus more clearly on things, our anxiety levels drop and our stress levels reduce, result!

Emotional Freeing Technique

EFT is an acupressure technique, recommended by many psychologists to opitimise your emotional health. Supporters of the technique claim it removes negative emotions, reduces food cravings (my ultimate downfall around exam season) and helps implement positive goals. It works by simply tapping your fingertips to input kinetic energy onto specific meridians on the head and chest, while you reflect on your specific problem. The process of tapping the energy meridians and voicing positive affirmation results in clearing the ‘short-circuit’ or emotional block from your bodies bio-energy system. This is meant to equilibrate your mind and body’s balance harmonising stress levels.

“Equilibrate your mind and body’s balance harmonising stress levels” Art Therapy

Relieve stress levels by being creative. Clinical art therapy, through drawing, writing or painting is said to have a multitude of benefits. Firstly, it acts as a distraction, having a certain amount of ‘time out’ allows you to return to your studies with a sharper focus and added clarity. Secondly, the concept of ‘flow’, refers to a state of being completely consumed by something. This near meditative state is said to carry many of the benefits of meditation and leaves you much less stressed. If you want to explore the techniques further, professional art therapists can help you to further explore this therapeutic practice.

The Burning Bowl Ritual

This is a fire ceremony, originating from the Unity Church, where it has been a tradition for around 50 years. The origins of the ritual involved two sheets of paper, on one you wrote down all the new things you desired in your life, put it in an envelope and the church sent it to you - on the other piece you wrote down all the old things you wanted to leave behind and set it alight. Whilst this method does not have to have the religious connotations, it can have a cathartic benefit - the fire can be seen as a cleansing element, a way to let go of old energies and make space for new ones. The list of desires can be added to as the year goes on, reducing your stress levels as you see your accomplishments build.

Listen to Dolphin Music

Studies have shown that listening to slow and relaxing music, slows down your pulse and heart rate, lowers your blood pressure and decreases stress hormones in your body. In particular dolphin music is said to be great for deep relaxation, stress reduction and endorphin release. Their calming noises and relaxing sounds can help you sleep or provide a calm environment to study in. Music has the ability to shift our mood as it affects our subconscious where negative thoughts feed our fears and fuel our stress.

QUOTES SO SIMPLE

Peformr glory

The Guardian recently released plans for a new app, Performr, which aims to connect artist with audience for exclusive digital or live performances. We asked Lauren Vevers and Jessica Harman whether this was a huge leap forward for the art industry or a move in the wrong direction Lets embrace new forms of communication

We’re better off without it

’m sitting with my pal – who for the purpose of this article shall remain erformr has been described by The Guardian as being a new digital anonymous – as he’s perusing his Tinder matches. I watch him scroll experience for audiences that, “plays with the exciting, sexy, trauthrough the virtual catalogue of girls at his fingertips. matising and often complicated digital playground that is the dating “She’s fit. She’s fit. I dunno about her.” Even if I hadn’t despised the world of app”. online dating before this point, I categorically do now. The whole experience This new concept assumes that the success and popularity of dating apps is reductive to say the very least; call me old fashioned, but I like to think that will translate over to the art world. It could be argued that this creation of a each of us are more than a sum of Facebook photos. My gripe here is not with new social network might have negative effects on art. the technology itself, just the way it’s put to use. Art is meant to be enjoyed on a large scale and by using technology to conOne reason why apps such as Tinder and Grindr are successful is because of nect with a large audience provides a platform on which to discuss and proaccessibility; it’s easy to reach a number of people quickly and now you don’t mote relevant pieces. even need to leave the house to find the one (night stand). Pink Fringe, the However, art, in all its forms, is also personal. Audiences like to be able to LGBT cultural organization behind Performr, have taken this concept and giv- take their own interpretations from a piece whether it be a scene from a play en users the opportunity to “hook up” with artists, allowing you to view a per- or a painting. Whether an actor, musician or painter, could it be possible that formance or arrange an event. In an article for The Guardian, producer David attracting attention away from their art and shining the light on their perSheppard notes ‘audience exchange with an artist could result in a video chat sonal life defeats the point? to America or an invite to a church for a mysterious sensual performance.’ Art, The Guardian asks us: “could an app that allows artists and audiences to in this context, is no longer restricted by time or space and can be recorded, hook up change the way we interact with art?” repeated and distributed across the world almost instantly. Yes, but do we want to change the way we interpret art? Performr is curThere’s a lot to be said for visiting a gallery however resources are limited and rently in the pilot phase of the project and is being launched at the Brighton there are boundaries in the form of opening times, health and safety and so on. fringe. The app has been designed specifically for a festival event, where the In the virtual realm, these cordons artists have a localized audience. If used correctly the app could create an are loosened and really, the effective forum that artists can manipulate to their advantage. This could be possibilities are endless – used as an excellent PR tool. However, in terms of the app’s effect on the vastly different perform- art world, if the app is used on a larger scale, the content would be hard to ers creating diverse police and may be taken over by the more “sexually and artistically deviant” work and operating members of the art community. If this is the case, many artists risk alienating through the same some of their audience when they associate themselves with apps that are platform. Plus, orientated around casual hook-ups. artists are given When considering the art world as a whole, is combining people’s private an opportu- lives and art a good thing? Artists are generally public people who need to nity to respond network and share their art, however publicising their relationships and perto a specific, sonal lives can draw attention away from the importance of their work. known audience – to creJessica Harman ate pieces according to the viewer. Perfomr, too, reflects a history of communication through covert coding and signs that form a part of LGBT culture. At the very least, even if it doesn’t work at a functional level, it’s still entering into a dialogue about how we’re choosing to interact with the world and each other– virtually. And through its flaws, addresses the problems that arise in doing so. Lauren Vevers

Desert island books

We asked Rohan Kon which four books she would take with her to while away the hours on a desert island. Here’s what she came up with To Kill a Mockingbird Harper Lee Most of the iconic novel is set during three dry summers of the early 1930s in the American Deep South. The heat is palpably described as the innocence of the young characters gradually slips away. Child narrator, Scout, learns the truth about human nature as her father defends a black man, wrongly accused of raping a white woman. I have read it every summer since I was 12 – and have enjoyed it more every time.

Brighton Rock Graham Greene Also set in a summer of the 1930s (but this time in British seaside town, Brighton) is this thrilling gangster novel. Wrapped up with the concepts of sin and morality, the frightening character of 17 year old Pinkie is the mob leading antihero who runs amongst the holidaymakers, committing murders. The novel simultaneously turns into a twisted romance in which Pinkie must marry the girl he hates to keep his alibi intact.

The Tempest William Shakespeare As an English Literature student I’d obviously like to take the complete works, but if I had to pick a Shakespeare summer read, it would be this. Funny and light-hearted, the magician Prospero creates a storm to strand his travelling friends and foes on his magical island. Look out for drunken Stephano and Trinculo for moments of comedy gold.

The Handmaid’s Tale Margaret Atwood Okay, not particularly summery, but as a feminist I would need some serious feminist literature on the island to keep me sane! Fast-forward to the dystopian future world of Gilead in which women are separated into classes, and Handmaids are used to bear children for the elite. Interestingly, Atwood shuns the title ‘science-fiction’ because ever ything in the novel could, or has already, happened in the real world.

“All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they had really happened and after you are finished reading one you will feel that all that happened to you and afterwards it all belongs to you” Ernest Hemingway

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Tuesday 6 May 2014

Pic of the Week

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reviews

#nclarts

ach week we choose the best arty Instagram pic to feature in the paper. Whether its taken on campus, on a night out or in your own house, we want your snaps. Simply hashtag #nclarts and we’ll pick a weekly winner. Besides featuring in an award winning paper, the winning pic is worth a delicious bag of sweets too. Get instagramming, folks.

I of the Sun

Lorna Simpson

ike every 22 year old university graduate who wants to put off entering the real world, Richard Arthur dreams of travelling to a foreign and exotic land and ‘finding himself ’. I of the Sun is an account of his first time travelling around South East Asia, armed with a one way plane ticket and a digital camera. The narrative is split between Arthur pondering the meaning of life and other philosophical quandaries, juxtaposed with his need to go out and get high, have sex with anyone who offers and be a general lad. The book is a truthful description of the highs and lows of travelling – the bad bits (like the effect of Thai food on the British stomach) included. The text is fast paced with a lot of action; boozing, smoking, hiking, motorbike crashes, hospital stays and love stories. Essentially it tells the tale of one man’s travelling experience, and would be a great read for any first time traveller to get an idea of what they’re in for. The use of imagery is particularly effective throughout, however the story could be told without so much philosophical debate. The narration gets annoying and whiny in places, although getting an insight into the mind of a travelling 22 year old lad was quite interesting. This book is an entertaining read and will definitely make you want to book a plane ticket to Thailand.

onfronted by afro topped, head-to-toe gold divas in Lorna Simpson’s video centrepiece Momentum my first thought was that I had walked into an Austin Powers film, surrounded by many versions of Foxy Cleopatra. This piece explores the fallibility of human memory, a theme continued in the exhibition’s amalgamation of photography, video and text. Her piece Chess explores a darker and more conceptual reality, looking at racial and gender conflicts, represented by the confrontation between the black and white pieces. The game itself also brings to attention issues of class friction, with the hierarchy of the board spanning from King and Queen to the ‘lowly’ pawn. Racial tensions are further echoed through the white vests on black skin in her photograph ‘Five Day Forecast’. Is she seeking to imply racial issues are still daily present in American society by the inclusion of the days of the week? The meaning of Simpson’s work is often a little elusive because it is so far reaching, but it seems at the heart of it all she is giving voice to the frustrations of the black American population. I’m personally not a huge fan of video installation but the combination of wording and photography forms creates an insightful and interesting exhibition.

Rebecca Norfield

Lucy Spencer Ashworth

This week’s winning pic is ‘Barter Books’ by Instagram user...

Creativity & Coffee

Zoe Troughton tastes Pumphreys’ finest home-brewed coffee for this week’s review

T Drinks Art Vibe

There’s just so much coffee

previews

ucked into the far left corner of the hustle and bustle of the infamous Grangier Market lies the green, rustic little barista bar known as Pumphery’s. One side houses the magical every-bean-you’d-ever-want display from which you can view all the different beans stacked up in an old sweet shop jar display. The other side hosts the bar itself where you can prop yourself upon the stools in front of the vast coffee tools which you can purchase to similarly craft your own coffee at home. I went for the Aeropress - a plunger style black coffee which takes a short while to brew. Being able to choose the bean you would like, I picked the Kenyan Peaberry, a full-bodied roast with a fruity hint. At an impressive price for your handcrafted cup of caffeine of £2.00, I would in future walk the few extra minutes and pick up one of these rather than pay for the £1.95 Americano from the ‘personalised’ Starbucks chains that always write your name wrong.

Dirty Dancing

Captain Amazing

fter proving to be a sell-out success at Edinburgh Festival Fringe 2013, the year of 2014 sees Captain Amazing dive into action at Newcastle’s Live Theatre. Crafted by Alistair McDowall, Captain Amazing tells the tale of a father come superhero who juggles the daily trials of the family unit with the swashbuckling superhero lifestyle of saving lives and kicking villainous ass. Mark Weinman is the star behind this entertaining one-man show and it is his exquisite solo-performance that brings the relatable yet mysterious Captain Amazing to life. For a show that is as moving as it is hilarious, the Captain Amazing 2014 Tour Trailer sets an eerily dark tone. The red-caped father isolates himself in an abandoned park wearing a rueful expression but rueful about what? The father then ponders that “superheroes all need a reason to put on a cape”. In this amusing and poignant production, we will surely learn what this super-father’s reason is.

Must see!

Tom Tibble

t’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Dirty Dancing finally comes to Theatre Royal. I hardly need explain the excitement that comes with this show; any self-respecting individual has tried and failed to do the final lift at least ten times. And will know that, in reality attempting it in water makes very little difference. But for those of you who haven’t seen the film, the story follows 17-year-old Baby Houseman’s journey to maturity as she discovers the underground, sensual world of rock ‘n’ roll and falls in love with the hotel’s resident dance instructor, Johnny Castle (originally played by Patrick Swayze). After it becomes clear that Johnny’s dancing partner Penny is unable to perform a very important dance show at a nearby resort, Johnny is forced to teach Baby the routine without the knowledge of her conservative parents. It’s an intensely passionate and poignant tale packed with outrageous dance moves and an unparalleled soundtrack, including the infamous hits ‘Do You Love Me?’ and ‘I’ve Had The Time of My Life’. Following a hugely successful run in London, the well-loved musical heads to Newcastle for most of the month of May. Be sure not to miss out, tickets are guaranteed to sell fast. Millie Walton

Catch 22

Theatre Royal

Live Theatre

The Baltic 21 March - 22 June

Richard Arthur

...milliewalton...

Northern Stage 19 April - 10 May

oseph Heller’s Catch 22 is one of those books that always make the ‘top 100 books to read before you die’ list (and deservedly so). Yet it is also one of those books that people plan to read at some point, but some dark magic prevents it reaching the top of the pile. Therefore the Northern Stage has done Newcastle a great service by adapting it into a theatre production, saving us from the embarrassment of pretending to know what the story is about at dinner parties. It will be interesting to see how the award-winning director, Rachel Chavkin, has adapted this fateful and chaotic tale from book to stage. Will the young American bombardier, Yossarian, be able to cheat death in the same fluent comedic fashion as it is written in the pages? It’s looking promising; the Northern Stage has a good track record for pulling off this sort of quirky production and the press photographs suggest a colorful performance. With Catch 22 advertisements plastered throughout the Metro and in the Toon, it seems as if the Northern Stage consider this particular production to be especially important. With excellent concessions on student ticket prices, it would be a shame for us students to miss out on what could be a brilliant classical comedy experience. James Ricketts

Function

Broadacre House 9 May

rchitecture is an unavoidable, socially determining presence, and largely dictates the way that we interact. Though people can differ in their perceptions of space, and when these differing perceptions are shared they can alter our understanding of what Architecture is supposed to achieve. FUNCTION is an event showcasing nine artists, as they respond to the underground car park space of Broadacre House, a building that was once the benefits office. Currently occupied by Northern Creative Solutions the building is now used as a base for charities and artists, and a site for one-off events. FUNCTION is one such event, invading and altering the space for one night only. Featuring three sound installations, light pieces, and minimalist sculptural works, the event promises to be a sensorium of audio and visual artwork. The entrance is situated to the left of World HQ, next to St Andrews, as visitors are invited to explore the depths of the building as it winds round into a cavernous concrete stage. Curated by Charlie Dearnley, FUNCTION will be a focused emporium, and definitely not one to miss. Charlie Dearnley

24.filmfeatures

Tuesday 6 May 2014

The Courier

5 Modern classics: ‘94

Film Editors: Muneeb Haﬁz and Jacob Crompton-Schreiber

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Movie Journeys

5 Detroit Rock City Whilst this was a flop at the box office I still think it’s brilliant. A group of boys win tickets to see KISS on the radio and have to struggle to get there, it’s a staple of my youth. Funny and a tad witty, it’s right up my street. One of those you won’t understand until you watch.

Life of Pi

I was one of the fortunate souls to study this for A-Level and I have to say this film is one of the best novel adaptations I’ve seen in a while. Visually it’s stunning, the actors are all pretty spot on and essentially, it’s just bloody grand.

3 Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure Time travel is a form of travel, right? Either way I don’t care as this film is a beauty. It also had me miss-pronouncing ‘Freud’ for years. I wish I could have prepared for my history exams in a manner as exciting as these chaps.

James and the Giant Peach

One of the best Roald Dahl adaptations ever, and I do not make such claims lightly (I proper love Roald Dahl). I should imagine if society ever becomes a utopia it will be because every single child has watched, or read, James & The Giant Peach at least four times.

George Smith picks his favourite ﬁlm from the bumper year of cinema that was 1994

Stand By Me

Probably the best coming of age short story ever created and easily one of the best Stephen King film adaptations. Unfortunately there hasn’t been a language invented that can express my love for this film accurately yet; as a result you’ll have to go and see it, right now. I command it. David Leighton

994. A year which gave the viewing public a veritable plethora of decade defining movies. It was a year when Jim Carrey’s enormous leering face could be seen bludgeoning you from billboards across the world, a year in which Forest Gump rather unsurprisingly cleaned up at the Oscars (it’s a film about mental adversity and AIDs, they virtually discovered the formula), Pulp Fiction’s mix of hard drugs, a non-linear story line and some comically quotidian dialogue held audiences captivated and the world would learned the true meaning of gentle, fulfilling ear sex when we heard Morgan Freeman narrate for the first time in The Shawshank Redemption. But for me none of these films are the defining film of the year. For that, we must look to a movie which didn’t win any Oscars, one which you might have forgotten but has not forgotten you. It is a film of one man’s obsession with a frivolous one night stand which consumes him for nearly two years. A man who is so alienated from love but has it surrounding him everywhere he looks. Like Tantalus, the harder he strives to reach the tree of love the further into the swirling tempest of despair and degradation he is dragged until he must choose between conformity with depressing social expectations and norms or the rejection of all the values his class hold dear. Four Weddings and a Funeral is 1994. Hugh Grant plays Charles, charming but blithering archetypal urban Brit, who has a steamy romantic one night stand (in the intimate throws of

which he can still be heard to be comically blithering) with Carrie (Andie MacDowell) following a wedding at which he was the best man. Carrie must, tragically, return to the American shores from whence she came thus dooming the romance seemingly eternally. However, as the movie jumps to the next wedding guess who should reappear? Carrie, Carrie reappears. Sporadic encounters at four weddings and one funeral go so far as to cement their love at first sight which encounters obstacles of geography and society before it can flourish. The reason I selected this film is because it is British. Not just in so far as it was a British production, but its very heart and soul. Its humour, language and style serve as a portrait of the British urban middle classes which, perhaps unfortunately, has gone on to stereotype us right up into the present d ay.

“Whereas Hollywood romantic cinema shies away from any use of expletives, British cinema positively revels in it” Simon Callow, who plays Gareth, I very firmly believe should be canonised for his performance. He has changed me and I will not see my life as having been completely lived until I grow a fine bushy chinstrap, drop my voice several octaves to a manly tenor and become the ever so eccentrically camp life of the party. An institution was created which has been all too soon forgotten. Whereas Hollywood romantic cinema shies away from any use of expletives, British cinema positively revels in it. The Great Fuck-BuggerOmeter to which all films are subjected to before t h e y can be shipped over to America, registers 47 instances of the word “Fuck” and a variable but none the less high number of “Buggers” depending on which edition you watch. This stream of expletives is employed often in response to cringe-comedy which defines the movie, echoes of which can still be seen ricocheting through domestic cinema. Four Weddings and a Funeral created a template of cringe to which many British comic films and television programmes including your beloved The Inbetweeners owe their origins. Be grateful, wish it happy birthday and go watch it.

We Cannes not wait

Lisa Schmechel previews the upcoming Cannes ﬁlm festival From 14th to 25th May all eyes are on Cannes, where the 67th annual Cannes Film Festival is held. Arguably the film event of the calendar, this festival celebrates some of the most delicious productions to come. This year, head of the jury for the main competition will be Jane Campion, who won a Palm d’Or for the film The Piano and is so far the only female director to achieve this. She is joined by Nicolas Winding Refn, Willem Dafoe and Sofia Coppola among others. Grace of Monaco, directed by Olivier Dahan (La Vie en Rose) will open the festival with Grace of Monaco. The AmericanFrench film is a biography about the life of Grace Kelly and stars Nicole Kidman in the titular role. Set in the 60s, the film focuses on former Hollywood star Grace Kelly, who traded her acting career for marriage to Rainer III, Prince of Monaco (Tim Roth), but struggles with her identity in this role. While Rainer III is in a dispute with French president Charles de Gaulle over Monaco’s independence, Kelly receives a tempting job offer from Hollywood and has to decide between going back and supporting her husband. There are still disagreements between Dahan and American producer Harvey Weinstein, who is not satisfied with the final outcome and threatens to refrain from releasing the film in the US, which could have consequences for the premiere in Cannes, but so far this has not been confirmed. In the main competition, David Cronenberg (A History of Violence) presents his new work Maps To The Stars, which deals with a troubled former child star (Evan Bird) and a dysfunctional Hollywood family. This dark satire also stars Julianne

Moore, Mia Wasikowska, Robert Pattinson and John Cusack and keeps in line with Cronenberg’s recent style, which gives film buffs high hopes. Other exiting entries in the competition include Tommy Lee Jones’ The Homesman, a Western road-movie which stars Hillary Swank and the man himself and shows the journey of a pioneer woman and a claim jumper, who escort three insane women from Nebraska to Iowa. The Search, a remake of the 1948 classic by The Artist direc-

tor Michel Hazanavicius, and Foxcatcher, directed by Benett Miller, which tells the true story of eccentric millionaire John Du Pont (Steve Carell), who murders his friend, Olympic champion Dave Schultz (Mark Ruffalo). One of the most anticipated films in the Un Certain Regard category is Ryan Gosling’s Lost River. The actor (Drive, Crazy Stupid Love) gives his directorial debut and was able to win over an illustrious cast, including Christina Hendricks, Eva

“Arguably the film event of the calendar” Mendes and 11th Doctor Matt Smith. From what is known so far about the film, it promises to be a rather unconventional neo-noir mystery. Hendricks plays Billy, a single mother who has to go on a journey to a dark fantasy world while her son Bones finds a secret path, leading to an underwater town. Both have to figure out what is happening to help their family survive. The title comes from the town the family lives in, which used to be a source of happiness but is slowly changing into a place without hope. Gosling seems to have learned a thing or two from his friend and mentor Nicolas Winding Refn, director of Drive and Only God Forgives, which makes Lost River very intriguing. David Michôd, who received overwhelming critical acclaim for his debut Animal Kingdom in 2010, presents his latest film The Rover, in the Midnight Screening category. The western-cum-scifi film is set in a post-apocalyptic world, where Eric, played by Guy Pearce, has lost all he has. After his car is stolen by a gang of criminals, he teams up with former criminal Reynolds (Robert Pattinson) to seek revenge. The trailer gives off a gritty vibe and it looks like the atmosphere and the cast’s strong performance could make up a highlight of the festival. Overall 18 films enter the main competition, while 19 films compete in the Un Certain Regard sectio The winner of the Palm D’Or will be announced on 24 May and the winner in the Un Certain Regard section on 23 May.

The Courier

reviewsfilm.25

Tuesday 6 May 2014

thecourieronline.co.uk/ﬁlm c2.ﬁlm@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Film

“You forgot one thing, mate: I’m Captain Jack Sparrow” Pirates of the Caribbean (2003)

Transcendence (12A)

Top

Johnny Depp Characters

heoretical debates are becoming more prominent concerning society’s dependency on technology and our emotional confidence placed on social media; motion pictures will stop at no limits to lecture society on our dependency with technology. Transcendence makes no exception. Saying that, the concept itself of Wally Pfister’s directorial debut Transcendence, is superb. The story circumnavigates around two scientists, Will Caster (Johnny Depp) and his wife Evelyn (Rebecca Hall), who have dedicated their studies to artificial intelligence and the idea of playing god. Their studies aim to create a machine with emotional and collective intellect and supremacy; yet at the film’s beginning, Will is one of many targeted and attacked by an anti-AI radical group named R.I.F.T. To save Will’s life and knowledge, Evelyn uploads his memory onto the internet so that Will remains in digital form; but what she ends up creating is far more destructive and inevitably uncontrollable. This dystopian film which juxtaposes the powers between man and technology is executed respectably by those cast in it. Johnny Depp gives an eerie atmosphere to his performance as a loving husband turned possessive machine. Our Lady Macbeth, Rebecca Hall, executes the exquisite role of

a wife tempted into the appeal of ascendency and healing the world, who ends up hysterical with paranoia; all because of her desire to hold on to her deceased husband. Other cast members Paul Bettany, Cillian Murphy and Morgan Freeman portray their characters skilfully, showing the transformation from pro-AI to those who are wary about the unlimited power that can be given to humans. Throughout the film, elements of Pfister’s and Christopher Nolan’s previous work are palpable, close up shots of unhurried water droplets dripping and sunflowers blooming are aplenty. Whilst the film’s concept is inspired, the execution however does not match its standards. Plotlines in some scenes border on over-inflated theories, making the mind boggle and the eyes roll in

sheer lunacy; whilst other moments are incredibly predictable for a science fiction story line. Overall, the film has a preachy agenda and if it wasn’t so overdramatic and futuristic, it would feel like this moral message was being forced down our throats. The casting is skilfully selected and the chemistry that Depp, Hall and Bettany have together works amicably, whilst the execution of the film itself can border on tedious at times. It is the concept and the final moments which save this film, making it well worth the watch.

Amazing Spider-Man 2 (12A)

The Other Woman (12A)

Locke (15)

Ed Wood

More like this: The Lawnmower Man(1992) Alex Gibbs

Johnny Depp starred in this Burton biopic about possibly worst director ever. It was a wacky tribute and suited the Burton and Depp collaboration perfectly. He was charming and infectious, and especially Wood’s blind optimism came across brilliantly.

Joe Pistone aka Donnie Brasco

Depp portrayed FBI agent Joe Pistone and his alter-ego Donnie Brasco. Although it’s not his flashiest role, it was the nuanced acting that made this performance outstanding. Depp even spent time around the real mafia to get an in-depth feeling for his character. Depp shone next to co-star Pacino and gave a riveting performance.

3 Gilbert Grape

ome would say it’s too early for remakes of the Spider-Man movies, even if they were truer to Stan Lee’s comics, and to an extent, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 seems like ‘just another’ Marvel movie in a sea of recent releases. The movie is typical of Marvel adaptations; thrilling CGI, characterised in Jamie Foxx’s formidable Electro; the swooping, roller-coaster shots of Spidey swinging through Manhattan’s metropolitan jungle; and, of course, the dizzyingly epic scene on the Brooklyn bridge, with the New York skyline as a backdrop. Action scenes are usually the highlights of such films, but the movie seems to fall down on drawnout battles between Electro and Spider-Man, which, although well sound-tracked, are formulaic in nature, and leave little time for Dane DeHaan’s Green Goblin to make an impact (although, considering his leprechaun-like makeover, this may not be a bad thing). The human elements of the movie are its saving grace – the audience can’t help but root for Emma Stone’s plucky Gwen and Andrew Garfield’s conflicted Peter, or be impressed by Dane DeHaan’s stunning performance as the desperate, and twisted Harry Osborn. The characters are central to the movie’s appeal, and Garfield and Stone’s chemistry is electric, there real-life romance playing a key role in their on-screen interactions. Similarly, the scenes with Aunt May are touching in the extreme. A little too long in some places, the movie is still a must-see for any die-hard Marvel fan, the soundtrack is worth a few spins, and at the end of the day, despite its faults, The Amazing SpiderMan 2 is just as good as the original(s), if not better.

ick Cassavetes, known for directing the tear-jerking The Notebook and My Sister’s Keeper, tries his hand at a feel good revenge comedy in The Other Woman. When high-flying New York lawyer Carly (Cameron Diaz) discovers that her handsome and charming boyfriend Mark (Nikolaj CosterWaldau) is married, and incidentally reveals his cheating ways to his wife, ditzy chatter-mouth Kate (Leslie Mann), they quickly become an unlikely pair of co-conspirators for revenge. After traditionally bonding over shoes and alcohol they soon get to business on their quest to screw Mark over. Diaz and Mann form likeable opposites and make for some slapstick moments in their journey for payback, involving an unfortunate toilet incident and some premature hair loss in their bold moments. Soon joined by the younger member of the cheating triangle, Amber (Kate Upton), who makes her appearance in a cliché slow motion shot of her running across the Hamptons beach in a white bikini, showing the duo just what assets captivate love rat Mark. Whilst the model is good for some on screen eye candy she appears lacking next to seasoned Diaz and Mann. You just find yourself wishing there was less group chats about Mark and more hell-hath-nofury action by the women. The satisfaction from this film comes from watching the deceitful Mark’s impending annihilation as his lies are revealed, along with some intermittent quips from Diaz’s assistant Lydia (Nicki Minaj). Whilst The Other Woman is good for some sporadic comedic fulfilment, it appears Melissa Stack’s script is mostly concerned with laughs than messages, as it lacks its full potential as a sisterhood comedy on female empowerment.

ontrived and claustrophobic, Locke is a gimmick that never gets into gear. The latest film from director Steve Knight (Eastern Promises, screenplay) is a one-man show driven, literally, by Tom Hardy. Ivan Locke, portrayed by Hardy, is (almost) the sole character and the only person to appear on screen. The film focuses on a single car journey during which one moment of weakness sees Locke’s entire life begin to unravel. It’s difficult to comment on the plot without giving it away entirely, in reality there is very little going on. Familial collapse and integrity are the main, supposedly gritty, themes. ‘Cinematic minimalism’ results in the story being played out completely via hands-free phone calls, with half of those calls regarding the consistency of concrete. Such realism doesn’t make for the most exciting of experiences, but Hardy does do his best to draw you in. Unfortunately, this minimalism doesn’t make room for added depth, even if Locke is well portrayed. Father issues are introduced (Ivan shouts at his rearview mirror) and there is some soap-opera-style adultery. A solid and subtle performance sees Hardy reveal the flaws of a man struggling to stay in control. The acting is impressive, especially given all we see are his facial expressions, and he adds a quiet, clipped Welsh accent to his growing list of memorable voices. But at best the film feels like an overly long acting exercise, at worst, a feature-length BMW advert. ‘ Intense and only at times intriguing, Locke is a stressful 90-minute car journey that’s sadly far from enjoyable, despite Tom Hardy’s best efforts to keep it on track.

More like this: Buried (2010)

Iqra Choudhry

Rebecca Dooley

Ben McCullough

Grape was one of the many ‘sensitive misfits’ Depp played. His character was gentile and multifaceted. Depp managed to not be out-acted by a brilliant DiCaprio and engaged an emotional, bittersweet side. It showed Depp’s wide range and his excellence in a leading role.

Edward Scissorhands

This was the first Burton/Depp collaboration and without a doubt the most remarkable. Depp managed to deliver a captivating performance with no dialogue. His acting was subtle and showed a surreal, yet fragile character. It was also the major turning point in Depp’s career.

Captain Jack Sparrow

Although the PotC franchise has gone downhill, Depp’s Jack Sparrow is the best thing about the sequels. Partially based on Keith Richards, the hilarious, quirky and yet lovable character has certainly become Depp’s trademark. This swashbuckling role also showed his compatibility with family films. Tanya Nies

26.tvhighlights

Tuesday 6 May 2014

TV Editor: Beth Durant Deputy TV Editor: Helen Daly

The Courier

Spo aler iler t!

TVintage

can remember vividly the first time I watched the amazing TV show that is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I was hooked, setting time aside every week to sit down and glue myself to the television as Channel 5 took audiences through the shows first season. My love for Buffy and her friends continued all the way through to it’s sad but brilliant end, all the way from 1997 to 2004.

Dad/flatmates/sister sat transfixed with horror. “I should have known,” Dad said after Ned Stark’s demise in season one, “Sean Bean dies in everything.”

ver-extending opening titles, the halfhearted warning about ‘scenes some may find unsuitable’ and more characters than anyone can keep track of: it can only be the one show on television about which you cannot say, “Needs more dragons and shit.” Based upon the bestselling A Song of Ice and Fire books by George R. R. Martin, this swords and sorcery epic has gone mainstream. Beyond the breath taking scenery of locations from Iceland to Croatia, and some seriously impressive special effects, the great strength of the show it its characters. In a violent, corrupt world where no-one is entirely good or evil, complex and fascinating individual journeys are the reason why people get hooked on this show. However, this being Game of Thrones, no-one, fan favourite or not, is safe. Set on the fictional continent of Westeros, the

drama revolves around claimants to the Iron Throne. The ruling house is ostensibly the Baratheons (sweet little Tommen recently having succeeded adolescent monster Joffrey), however, the power behind the throne is the rich, golden-haired Lannister clan, including tyrannical patriarch Tywin, mercurial dwarf Tyrion, ruthless queenmother Cersei, and her twin brother Jaime, secretly her children’s true father. This unsavoury truth was the reason for the demise of Ned Stark, a northern nobleman whose family was decimated last season in the ill-fated Red Wedding. The only surviving Starks are sulky Sansa and sparky tomboy Arya. Meanwhile, across the narrow sea, exiled Danaerys Targaryen, the last of her name and the mother of dragons, has been steadily building her army, with the intention of taking back the Iron Throne. Now getting into stride for its fourth season, Game of Thrones is galloping through the source material almost faster than Martin is writing it. Having read the books, I have gleefully anticipated shocking twists such as Viserys’ crowning, the Red Wedding and, most recently, the Purple Wedding, watching with a dark chuckle as my unsuspecting

Derek

Fargo

Mad Men

Game of Thrones Sky Atlantic, Monday, 9pm

Buffy worked on a number of different levels, which is no surprise considering the brilliance of the show’s creator, Joss Whedon. If you don’t know who Whedon is, he’s the mastermind behind a number of successful TV shows and films, such as that little known Marvel movie called The Avengers. Before he was dazzling us with the feats of comic superheroes, Whedon changed the landscape of television by introducing the simple concept of a female, teenage vampire slayer to the world and transforming it into an amusing, compelling TV series. While it may have started out life as a so-bad-it’s-good comedy horror film, the empowering tale was transformed into an incredible story arc that lasted a stellar seven seasons.

“The idea that a teenage girl could be this all powerful vampire and demon killer probably wasn’t the easiest concept to pitch to networks at the time, yet this idea worked perfectly”

Channel 4, Wednesday, 10pm

The idea that a teenage girl could be this all powerful vampire and demon killer probably wasn’t the easiest concept to pitch to networks at the time. Yet this idea worked perfectly, smartly subverted the horror stereotype of the vulnerable young woman, and instead emphasised that a heroic female character. Equally, the show melded together the supernatural with the simplicity of growing up, and utilised the story in a grand metaphorical way that emphasised the problems of adolescence and beyond. Buffy transformed television, and many shows since are truly indebted to it. The overall storyline was definitely helped by the rich and complex array of supporting characters. Leading lady Sarah Michelle Gellar definitely stood strong as the kickass Buffy, but not every aspect rested on her shoulders. Instead we were treated to a plethora of sidekicks, from the computer geek turned mega-witch Willow to the goofy supporting player Xander. And as the show progressed, we were delighted with new and equally interesting figures like the manic, Buffy-obsessed vampire Spike and the feisty little sister Dawn. By the end there were so many great characters you couldn’t help but be upset that it was all over and you wouldn’t get to be an audience to the lives of the characters we had grown up with. The course of was like a lesson in how to write amazing characters that you could constantly relate to, with flaws and insecurities that made them believable despite the supernatural premise. Buffy the Vampire Slayer will always be one of the most enthralling television shows to ever grace our screens. If you haven’t watched it, then please get on it, although I recommend to just wait till the end of exams unless you want to get hooked. Christopher Addison

eries two of Derek is finally upon us. We can look forward to a further insight into the shenanigans of care-home worker Derek Noakes and his motley crew of old dears. If episode one is anything to go by, we can expect a continuation of the laugh-then-cry approach that has given C4’s comedy drama a rousing and deserved popularity. Written by and starring Ricky Gervais, Derek has thus far received a Marmite mix of ums and errs from critics. A few raving reviewers have claimed Gervais handles his humour with as much subtlety as a fart at a funeral but there really is a lot to like about this show. Much like the BBC’s Rev- a hilarious portrayal of the difficulties in being a contemporary Priest- Derek does a sterling job of brewing topical sentimentality whilst dispensing plenty of lols in the process. The premise definitely works. The cringe worthy crudeness of Kev the dastardly drunkard (“Just shit myself... Meeting’s over”) combines well with a few of the more teary moments. Episode one of the new series introduced us to Derek’s womanising Dad, a new resident who wastes no time in casting his glinting eye over ‘the lovely mares’. There’s also more of Karl Pilkington’s famous dry wit and care-worker Hannah is still a fuzzy ball of warmth and encouragement. It’s safe to say Derek isn’t everybody’s cup of tea. It’s probably not the funniest or most dramatic way of spending twenty-four minutes every week, but hey ho, just cause The Office was so bloody good doesn’t mean you can’t afford a laugh to the most banterous old folks home on telly. David Naylor

“Game of Thrones is galloping through source material faster than Martin is writing it” This season introduced some interesting new characters, including Oberyn Martell and his paramour, Ellaria Sand. There has also been a recast of Danaerys’ love interest, Daario Naharis, with Michiel Huisman taking over the role from Ed Skrein. With the departure of Joffrey, one of the series’ most compelling villains (everyone loves to hate that little devil-spawn), I personally hope to see more scheming and Machiavellian intrigue in this season. Olenna and Margaery Tyrell, Joffrey’s almost in-laws, have a lot of potential in this direction, as does the unnerving transformation of Littlefinger into Sansa’s rescuer. Valar Morgulis! Lauren Hickin

Channel 4, Sunday, 9pm

Sky Atlantic, Wednesday, 10:15pm

dapting an Oscar-winning film created by the legendary Coen brothers was never going to be an easy feat. But Noah Hawley manages it with style, producing this classy ten part series. Set in Minnesota, Fargo follows Lester Nygaard, a timid insurance salesman who is very much down on his luck; he is still taunted by a high school bully and his wife is constantly belittling him. His life takes a very unexpected turn however, after a chance meeting with the unhinged Lorne Malvo (Billy Bob Thornton in a terrible wig). Soon enough, Sam Hess, the high school bully has been murdered and Nygaard is left wondering about what he’s got himself into. The situation comes to a head when he is pushed one step too far by his nagging wife, Pearl. Let’s just say there will be many MC Hammer jokes floating around for a while. There is not much wrong with this series; despite its frequent dark moments, the overall tone is light and very funny. The whole cast bring the script to life, no matter how small their part is. Freeman shines as the put-upon Nygaard and Thornton is particularly chilling, playing the calm psychopath Malvo to eerie effect. Special mention goes to Allison Tolman as Deputy Molly Solverson. Throughout the first episode, we see her gain in confidence and show some serious detective skills. I can’t wait to see her role continue to grow. This series leaves us with many questions; Will Nygaard keep it together? Will Solverson twig what’s really going on? Will Malvo’s hair get its own storyline? Judging by the stunning opening episode, you’ll want to stick around to find out. Chloe Carroll

ver since the first episode of the (sadly) last seventh season of Mad Men premiered, we’ve all been watching with our hearts in our mouths, watching the spectre of death loom over Don Draper. The first episode had its fair share of ominous death signs, instilling very little hope for any salvation for Draper. While ‘A Day’s Work’ certainly wasn’t the best episode to grace our screens, it gave us a little hope that death truly has come for Don, yet a new Don was born out of it. We got introduced to Sally, who is turning into a more or less carbon copy of her Dad as the show moves forward. Her emotional detachment for the funeral and her caring more about what she was going to wear at it was wonderfully played and used in terms of developing the storyline. Overall a superb performance by fourteen-year-old Kiernan Shipka, a wonderful match for Jon Hamm’s Don. Another noteworthy performance this season is Teyonah Parris as Dawn, the secretary, who makes no compromise with anyone, even her bosses. Of course, as it is in every other show, this one also had its filler story arches and wonky moments (see: Peggy’s Valentine’s Day fiasco). Despite a few hiccups here and there, Mathew Weiner managed to create a brand new class of television with Mad Men. And even if it has been blamed of turning “soapy” for its last couple of seasons, it doesn’t seem to have lost its appeal with audiences and it’s preparing to end with quite a proper bang.

Antonia Velikova

The Courier

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Tuesday 6 May 2014

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Top 5

Biggie to smalls screen

With Fargo the latest ﬁlm-to-television adaptation to get underway, Sophie Baines 5 asks whether big screen to the small screen always works

Game of Thrones sex scenes Joffrey dabbles in S&M

e’ve all heard of films being adapted from, well, just about anything, but occasionally, it works the other way around. Television shows are more and more often being adapted from films, either to continue to story, recreate it or in some cases (Teen Wolf, I’m looking at you) completely rewriting the original story, to the extent that all is left is the title and the character names. Quite often, this can be ridiculously unsuccessful, Blade: The Series and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids spring to mind like a madman with a knife. These failures often stem from lack of original cast members, the television adaptation of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off had none of the original cast, and continuously mocked the original cast, even going to the extent of having the new Bueller decapitate a cardboard cutout of Matthew Broderick. This adaptation was a terrible attack on the original film, making fans of the franchise angry and making everyone else a bit confused as to why they adapted it in the first place if they didn’t like it.

“Honey, I Shrunk the Kids probably wasn’t the strongest of bases for a television series”

Occasionally the problems stem from having a bad starting point; Honey, I Shrunk the Kids probably wasn’t the strongest of bases for a television series. Most of the time, however, it comes from a lack of budget, and/or the red tape that comes alongside television; Blade: The Series suffered largely from this and while not the worst adaptation in the universe, it was not up to scratch with the original films (although they did add three complex female characters, which I always root

BGTips The patriotic pander What better way to appeal to the judges and audiences than to relate your performance to Britain? Whether it’s a dog act with the Queen’s beloved breed, the corgi, or you manage to instrument pulling out a British flag in your routine; the audiences and judges lap it up. Whether its because we seem to need reminding every few minutes that it is actually Britain’s Got Talent or we’re just a soft-hearted patriotic lot, audiences just crumble at the inclusion of aspects of Britain. Last years winners the Hungarian shadow theatre group, Attraction, played this card and cinched the winning spot.

The key change

Next there is the clever manipulation of music to force an emotional response. Queue the depressing Adele song whilst the audience and judges blatantly show their misgivings over the person on stage, whether it be through subtle eyebrow lifting or a knowing glance at each other. Then shock horror, the act is actually good. No one expected it and they have magically enchanted audiences and judges, what a surprise. Roll in the key change in music as everyone forgets their superficial judgements and anticipates the four yesses coming as Simon Cowell drools onto his desk as he imagines all the ways he can make some extra dollar from it. We all love an underdog.

Joffrey is delivered two prostitutes by Tyrion as a name-day gift. Any normal teenager would have touched their boobs and giggled a bit but not Joffrey. After forcing them to perform some light sadomasochism he decides he wants more and isn’t happy being the only one in King’s Landing with a pole up his arse.

for). Some of the time, these adaptations are successful, Teen Wolf is one of these successes, and it looks like one of our highlights this week, Fargo, is also shaping up to be a great triumph. Teen Wolf achieved its feat by taking the premise of the original film, a teen wolf, and completely changing the genre, actors and plot. Like any deadbeat parent, it got dropped and all the show really inherited from its original source was its title, and beautifully developed character names like Stiles Stilinski. Starting its fourth series on June 23rd, the creators took a camp, vapid comedy, and made it darker, stronger and basically entirely different. Fargo however is shaping up to be largely the same tone and shape, in the same genre as its original but with a new story to feed our television hun-

ger. With the Coen Brothers back as executive producers, the TV series is good hands to recreate the popularity of the black murder comedy. Despite the disclaimer at the beginning of both the film and the television series, neither story is based on a single true story, but an amalgamation of several different crimes artfully stitched together by Joel and Ethan Coen. So while many television shows adapt well on the small screen, there are many that do not, and many factors seem to control the final opinion of the masses including budget, regulation, base film, producers, writers and accuracy. This is anything but a comprehensive list and some of these things hardly affect a shows popularity, for example while both Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and Teen Wolf had average to bad films, one fell flat and one flew high.

Another day, another talent show. But how exactly do you go about emotionally manipulating the judges and the audience? Rebecca Dooley shares a few tips of the trade

The water works Now if you manage this next one you can essentially rest in peace, you’ve cinched your audition. If notoriously hard-hearted Amanda Holden (ignore the sarcasm) begins to cry half way through the audition, it’s in the bag. No doubt she will pull out some tissues, carefully dabbing those trickles as to not ruin her make up before mumbling out how much the performance moved her, before finally getting to the bit you care about, the ‘yes’. You’re home and dry, unlike Amanda’s face.

The sob story You’ve seen this one time and time again across TV shows and it is the classic sob story scenario. The story may be casually “dropped in” either through a candid preview video before the audition, or when the person somehow manages to offhandedly drop it into the judge’s questions even though it is usually going completely off the topic. The traditional breakdown involves said act revealing their entire miserable life and the multitude of hardships they have suffered and how their “talent” is their only passion, helping them to get through everything. Often there is also a token grandparent stood backstage who they just want to make so proud. Always remember to bring

The set up This next tool I like to call, the set up. The audience and judges are beginning to despair of finding a great audition for *insert talent*, we’ve been shown reams of shoddy and rubbish versions, creating the build up for you to be exponentially amazed when finally someone can sing/ dance/ do magic (the list goes on). The judges look weary after a day of doing nothing, but here

Starks are flying

Robb Stark and his soon to be wife Talisa are discussing the bridge and somehow this does things for the both of them. They passionately strip off and make love on the skin of some unfortunate animal It’s one of those scenes which is sickeningly lovely and incredibly untrue. There’s no scrambling about for a condom and no awkward moans as she

Northern soul

Jon Snow goes beyond the wall (and past a life of abstinence) and falls for Ygritte who proceeds to strip naked in a cave resembling a Scandinavian spa and seduces him in her sexy Northern twang It’s implied he gives her some mind-blowing cunnilingus straight from American Pie’s Book of Love, finishing off with a classic spoon.

Leeching love

Melisandre manages to seduce Gendry by stripping him off and getting onto the bed. She then takes off her robes and proceeds in the cowgirl position. Gendry’s having the time of his life and he realises she’s pretty kinky after tying him to the bed. After pulling out a box of leeches the sheer terror shows on his face and he realises this wasn’t the type of sucking he expected to be receiving.

Ego-testicle

After shaving his Renly’s chest (because he just likes it, apparently) in a vaguely erotic manner, Loras decides to treat his lover to a nice casual blowjob. As he’s about to go down on him, he looks up and says “You would be a wonderful king.” - what a way to stroke his ego, literally. The sound-mixing resembles someone slurping on an ice-cream, but it’s still an iconic scene. James Simpson

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Tuesday 6 May 2014

The Courier

Music Editors: Kate Bennett and Ian Mason

RAGE

against the

ROUTINE

Hot or cold for Katy Perry? Iqra Choudhry is decidedly the latter

or years, Katy Perry has been the darling of pop – with her kitschy-cool, lovable quirks and ongoing rebellion against her strict upbringing, she’s an insta-icon. When she exploded onto the pop scene with her “edgy” ‘I Kissed A Girl’, pop was given a new pinup. She’s taken over the world and covered it in glitter and bubblegum - and it drives me mad. I have to admit it: I can’t help but HATE Katy Perry. When ‘I Kissed A Girl’ came out, way back in 2008, we were all taken aback by the boundarypushing brunette, the pop sensation who wasn’t afraid to be something different. Some would take issue with her manipulation of bi-curiosity to garner attention – she divided opinion as to whether she was an emerging gay icon, or just another pop act, desperate to garner column inches that could make or break her career. I may have loved the song at the time, but now that I’m old enough to know better, it reeks of desperation. But, 2008. She was catchy, she was cool, and she knew how to get a conversation going her way. Katy Perry started off alright – following up with ‘Hot’N’Cold’, she cemented her place in the pop world and proceeded to take the world by storm.

“Katy Perry’s love life is more interesting than her music”

To give credit where credit’s due, Teenage Dream was a banger of a follow-up album. She’d found her niche, she could deliver pop hooks without capitalising on issues like sexuality; it was all good. What I take issue with, when it comes to Katy Perry, is the fact that when you take away the tame shock value, the charm of her forced quirkiness and the candy bikini, she’s just talentless - another pop confection in the Top 40 sweetshop. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with chart music, but Katy Perry has become a generic hit-machine, and six years on from her debut, any substance she may have had has long since disappeared. Perry is well known for putting on a memorable show; we’re talking confetti cannons, half-naked back-up dancers, candy canes like you’ve never seen, costume changes galore: the whole works. But then she opens her mouth, and you realise that she can’t actually sing (I refer you to the X Factor performance of ‘Unconditionally’). The amount of money spent on a ticket to see Katy Perry would most definitely be better spent seeing Lady Gaga, Kelly Clarkson, P!nk, Taylor Swift – anyone who can actually use those vocal chords. These days, Katy Perry’s love life is more interesting than her music. She dated, married and divorced Russell Brand, she’s got an onagain, off-again thing with John Mayer. She occasionally wears something weird that garners scrutiny. But on the whole, she’s getting boring – from the release of ‘Part of Me’ (in which she’s so obviously using her career to play the “poor little me” card), the only response I can garner to anything about Katy Perry is a halfhearted “meh”.

Magic Mountain Black Stone Cherry K

entucky hard rockers Black Stone Cherry have, up until now, successfully rejuvenated southern rock music in the modern era. Fourth album Magic Mountain, though, is generally disappointing, delivering in a ‘hit and miss’ manner as the album scatters several good tracks among weak and boring drivel. The biggest complaint I have with this album is the lyrical content, which seems to have been devised by a group of stoner teenagers who have just discovered drugs and alcohol. Chris Robertson’s lyrics display a great deal of emotional maturity, but a number of the tracks, such as ‘Me and Mary Jane’ and ‘Fiesta Del Fuego’, are just about getting high and having a good time. That isn’t always a bad thing, and southern rockers have often successfully sung about Jack Daniels and sunshine, but the sheer volume of material of that nature detracts from Magic Mountain’s appeal.

“The lyrical content seems to have been devised by a group of stoner teenagers who have just discovered drugs and alcohol” Musically the album is still very listenable, offering a wide range of very catchy songs. Soulful rock music is Black Stone Cherry’s speciality, driven by slide guitars and funky bass lines, and despite poor lyrics this album is no different. ‘Bad Luck & Hard Love’ is a perfect example, complemented well by Robertson’s powerful vocal performance. This track is a sign of what Magic Mountain could have been. A few heavier tracks, such as ‘Never Surren-

der’, offer an insight into the band’s versatility, but again, lyrically, the track shows too much simplicity and immaturity. The highlight of the album is title track ‘Magic Mountain’, an upbeat, high energy track with a chorus that is dying to be sung as loud as possible. Several ballads slot nicely in, such as ‘Sometimes’, a largely acoustic number which is a very simple but gentle track and continues Black Stone Cherry’s previous form of delivering spectacular ballads aided by Robertson’s naturally soulful voice. However, other than the occasional reminder in the track list of Black Stone Cherry’s capabilities, very little stands out. Magic Mountain is a clear step backwards but it was always going to be hard to follow up their three previous efforts. It follows the same old formula, showing little adventure in musical direction. It could be easily described as a ‘safe’ album, to appease the band’s growing following. A number of riffs in the tracks have an air of familiarity to them, sounding very similar to older tracks. There is very little wrong with what this band has produced on Magic Mountain, and it will most likely be well received by the band’s fan base as another notch in a successful career so far. In comparison to their previous efforts, though, this album has left a lot to be desired and could have achieved so much more. A lazy effort from a very gifted band, who need to get their act together if they want to ever achieve the dizzier heights of their previous albums.

Recommended download: ‘Magic Mountain’ Lewis Ancrum

I Never Learn

Alter Bridge Fortress

f laid back, stoner rock tunes are your thing, then look no further than Alter Bridge. Fans of Black Stone Cherry may have seen the two acts touring together last year, and their critically acclaimed 2013 album Fortress is a great starting point.

Luminous

Lykke Li

If you like this, try ...

Nikki Nack

The Horrors

Tune-Yards

wedish singer songwriter Lykke Li completes one of her darkest pieces of work in I Never Learn, perfectly highlighting the Li’s strength of creating disturbingly raw songs that are somehow so peaceful to listen to. The album seems more emotional than previous projects, with more mature lyrics alongside hypnotising instrumentation. Li has admitted that the writing of the album was a mend for her heartbreak, and the sincerity in the lyrics to ‘Love Me like I’m Not Made of Stone’ show the artist’s talent for replicating numbness as emotion through sound. Change is a clear theme throughout the album, both symbolically and literally, with Li’s noticeable growth as an artist and her lyrical growth of moving on as a woman. The singer recently declared that she now “feels as though she’s found her own voice”. This voice seems to be moving further away from what was her previous electronic pop sound - another sad case of how, once again, a sour relationship can favour an artist’s creativity into intercepting a richer sound. However, the album is not simply a dismal collection of sadness. The sounds produced also foreground the sheer beauty of Li’s haunting vocals and the singer again offers beautiful beats that will be most likely be the sound of summer remixes. Debut single from the album, ‘No Rest for the Wicked’, is already gaining popularity online, and received a remix featuring A$AP Rocky. Festivalgoers are sure to be enraptured by alluring performances of this album throughout summer, as well as a singing along to past classics such as ‘I Follow Rivers’.

tepping it up from 2011’s Skying – in the sense that you can’t find each individual sound from the album in a good vinyl collection from the ‘60s, ‘70s and ‘80s – The Horrors have produced Luminous, a series of songs trying to sound less depressing than they are. Think Joy Division on Prozac. Once again The Horrors sing through their fringes to produce a nearly-hour long gloom-infused pulse of synth-orientated psych which they themselves describe as ‘fun and danceable’, ‘fun and danceable here meaning ‘dancing really slowly whilst pondering all of life’s problems’. For a self-produced album, the production is very good: no instrument outdoes another, with the guitars and synths divulging in wonderful synergy. The drums are as steady as ever, and Badwan’s vocals remain firmly placed in his established style. In terms of highlights on the album, it’s honestly quite hard to choose. Sadly this isn’t because there are so many amazing songs on the album, but rather because they all seem to blend into one long ode to whatever was bothering Faris Badwan during the writing process. If pushed, I’d have to go for ‘So Now You Know’ and ‘In and Out of Sight’ as two tracks to look out for, but otherwise this is just one moody marathon with both good bits and bad bits, which I’m sure many will be shuffling along to in indie clubs up and down the country. Overall, Luminous is an acquired taste, but certainly won’t disappoint those who are already fans of The Horrors. If not, go and listen to ‘Count in Fives’ and weep for what could’ve been, but never was.

Recommended download: ‘Love Me Like I’m Not Made Of Stone’ Ede Dugdale

Recommended download: ‘So Now You Know’

Recommended download: ‘Water Fountain’

Mike Cowley

f Nina Simone had been reanimated by a gang of East London hipsters during the final few months of ‘Nu Rave’, we might come close to finding an apt description for Merril Garbus’ latest release as Tune-Yards. Released on iconic alternative label 4AD, Nikki Nack adds to a legacy of releases that at times could only be classified with one word: odd. While Garbus’ soulful vocals remain a sole constant throughout the duration of the album, it is hard to place each track as part of one collection. The opening tracks ‘Find A New Way’ and ‘Water Fountain’ reminded me of the flippant, exuberant vein of baroque pop espoused by ofMontreal, but then this flippancy is shattered by the sinister post-punk yearnings of ‘Time of Dark’. ‘Real Thing’, ‘Look Around’, ‘Hey Life’ and ‘Sink O’ lend themselves to the sassy weirdness of Santigold in her 2008 zeitgeist, but it’s the midway, spokenword break of ‘Interlude: Why Do We Dine On the Tots?’ that really messes with the cranium. ‘Interlude’ over, the album gets back on track with ‘Stop That Man’ which infuses Paul Simon’s Graceland with an electronica backing track. Electronica does seem to lead the second part of this album, the blaring synths of ‘Wait For a Minute’ and ‘Left Behind’ contrasting with gospel-influenced penultimate track ‘Rocking Chair’; more sass and cowbells end the album with closing track ‘Manchild’. On first listen, Nikki Nack comes across as bizarre and unapproachable but rewards the persistent listener. The more you listen, the more it unveils a seductive brand of genre-bending which seems to make sense. Kind of.

Jamie Shepherd

The Courier

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Tuesday 6 May 2014

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CULT

SceNE: Record Store Each week we take a closer look at a different spot in Newcastle’s music scene. This week: Beatdown Records

CLASSICS

eatdown Records is one of Newcastle’s oldest independent record stores, and probably its biggest. Located conveniently right around the corner from the O2 Academy, Beatdown’s selection is vast, especially if hard rock and metal are your passion, or if you’re a vinyl collector. The store stocks all sorts of nick-nacks, from rock star action figures, to flags, posters and T-shirts, in addition to its enormous music selection. A Record Store Day favourite, it’s far too easy to find yourself lost in a vinyl wonderland and spend a little (or a lot) more than you ever originally planned to. Beatdown differs from other local record stores in that its selection of heavy and experimental music is enormous, and the staff have an almost-encyclopaedic knowledge of the field - though there’s plenty of other genres, if that isn’t your thing. Watch yourself as you walk through the doors, as the steps down into the store are steep, to say the least, and once you are in their little dungeon it’s difficult to leave. The shaping of the store is bizarre, and as you follow the winding corridors to the hidden vinyl store deep in the back, you’ll almost feel as though you are travelling into the abyss. Don’t be put off, though, by my saying you’ll

Talking Heads Should we have age ratings for music in the same way we do for films? Lewis Ancrum and Dominique Daly debate

arental advisory, explicit content: these words are found on a number of albums around my house. The likes of Eminem or Limp Bizkit were regular plays when I was growing up, my parents running a policy of “you can listen, but never let me catch you singing it”. Now, personally I was proud when I managed to learn the words to Limp Bizkit’s ‘Hot Dog’ which has a swear word on almost every line, but I can’t imagine ever wanting to hear my children belt that out. If they wanted to listen to that, I would want to have control. This is where the case for age restrictions on purchase comes in, because then I would know everything my children would listen to. Never should children be able to purchase, without their parents’ knowledge, music with such explicit content. Swearing is often the least of our worries when listening to music such as rap and metal, with their lyrics relating to homophobia, sexism and criminal activity.

“Swearing is often the least of our worries, lyrics often relating to homophobia, sexism and criminal activity”

I don’t at all advocate a complete ban on children ever listening to any music, but parents should be allowed to ensure children understand the content of such music before cheerily accepting it. The best way to solve this would be to introduce age restric-

spend more than you want to. Beatdown isn’t outrageously expensive: prices are actually very reasonable. It’s more the store’s spectacular selection of one-offs and rarities that’ll really hit your student loan, so watch out for them. Beatdown also sells a ridiculous amount of posters and flags, perfect for student room decorations, as well as T-shirts which - trust me - are considerably cooler than anything you can buy in HMV or from Amazon; they don’t have any referencing The Big Bang Theory, for a start. One of the nicest features of Beatdown is their willingness to research and order in the most leftfield of musical choices for you. I know that the internet allows you to do the same yourself nowadays, but Beatdown’s ability to source the long forgotten is where the beauty comes in.

Directions: Walking: Beatdown is pretty easy to find. It’s around the corner from the O2 Academy at the top of Clayton Street West, facing St Mary’s Cathedral. Bus: It’s a matter of minutes walk from Central Station, so realistically any bus that goes there, however if you’re feeling doubly lazy the number 1 which runs through Heaton and Sandyford stops literally right outside. Metro: As I previously mentioned, it’s a matter of minutes walk from Central Station. Walk out the main entrance and straight up Pink Lane, turn left and its on your left. Ian Mason

tions, similar to those seen in the film industry. I don’t want to be the one that sifts through music deciding what constitutes a 12 and what an 18, but some sort of restriction would be helpful. Still, we are in a bit of a pickle when people are horrified by the lyrics of NWA and Public Enemy but will happily consume drivel such as Rihanna’s ‘Rude Boy’ as popular chart music.

Despite Illmatic’s running time clocking in at under 40 minutes, its impact cannot be overstated. Nas’ syllable-juggling rhyme schemes influenced generations of rappers, and the minimal, loop-based MPC productions spawned an uncountable number of pastiches; it has even been the subject of an academic work: Born To Use Mics: Reading Nas’s Illmatic. Though Nas was only 21 when Illmatic was released, one of the record’s defining features was his dark, evocative and technically flawless lyricism, which seemed far beyond his years. Raised in Brooklyn’s Queensbridge housing projects - a fertile breeding ground for rappers, also givingthe world Mobb Deep – his rhymes paint a cinematic picture of his environment. Picking only one song to exemplify this is an almost impossible task, but the most apt may be ‘Memory Lane (Sittin’ In Da Park)’. The song sees Nas talking about his past, and rhyme schemes such as “My pen taps the paper then my brain’s blank/I see dark streets, hustling brothers who keep the same rank” embody the rapper’s grim poetic vision of New York.

“The beats are muted masterpieces, weaving perfectly with Nas’ gritty aesthetic”

Lewis Ancrum

hange my pitch up, smack my bitch up, and slap a restriction on any song you deem too risqué for the soft ears of your future children? I don’t think so! Music is and always has been intended to push the boundaries of societ. Rap, rock ‘n’ roll, punk – these were all intended to inspire younger generations, highlight the grievances of the current generation, and piss off the parents while they were at it. What if, back when rock and roll was considered the product of the devil, the powers that be had slapped a big old 18 certificate on every record that inspired the young Lennons, and Jaggers? What if Jay-Z had never heard rap music because he was too young to listen to the fucks and bitches that rolled off the tongues of his heroes – he’d probably still be hustling, and not one of the richest men in music. Art is best when it is unrestricted; if

John Hardy on Nas’ debut Illmatic, released 20 years ago last month

we begin to classify music the way we classify film then we will end up with a watered-down version of everything that could have been, in order to ensure money is made. It would be naïve to think that the music industry isn’t a business, and let’s face it: sex sells. If restrictions are set on what can be consumed, record labels will also restrict what can be made, in the same way that the major movie studios are reluctant to produce films that are beyond PG-13 - it is no longer film content that takes precedent, it’s the money made at the box office.

“Music has always pushed the boundaries of society and inspired the young ”

If we restrict music, we will ultimately water down music, leaving no room for the ground breaking albums that have shaped, shocked and stirred the people we are. Dominique Daly

The production of the record, handled by hiphop heavyweights such as Large Professor, DJ Premier, Pete Rock and Q-Tip, is undeniably classic. The beats are muted greyscale masterpieces which weave perfectly with Nas’ gritty aesthetic. Using a mixture of samples from vintage records, the jazzy, low-key backing tracks give Nas a platform to paint his picture of Queensbridge life, without ever eclipsing the instrumentals. In most songs the rapper closes his mouth during the chorus sections, while the beat runs and vocal samples are scratched over the top, allowing the producer’s work to breathe. The album’s legacy speaks for itself. It is one of the forerunners in any discussion of ‘best hip-hop album ever’ and has topped many lists covering the topic. New York newspaper The Village Voice called it the ‘Most New York Album Ever’, and Sohail Daulatzai, one of the co-authors of the aforementioned academic work, likened Nas’ dystopian vision of New York to Edgar Allen Poe’s of London. Most hip-hop fans would admit that Nas has never again hit the heights Illmatic reached. He has released some great records, and some individual songs, such as ‘Nas Is Like’, are arguably better than any song from Illmatic taken out of context. But none of these have contained the widescreen quality and holistic aesthetic that his debut does. But even if Nas has never made another record as strong as Illmatic, he can console himself with the fact that few others have.

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Tuesday 6 May 2014

The Courier

Our friends in the North

Newcastle and its North Eastern neighbours tend to get short shrift when it comes to the small screen, and Jamie Shepherd is sick of how Geordies, Mackems and Monkey Hangers alike are coming across

o it’s last summer. I’m interrailing with my gal pal Emma and we’re having beers in our hostel bar in Ljubljana. We’re doing the whole “Where you guys from?” business and these Swiss girls ask me where in England I’m from. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in years of travelling it’s that nobody has heard of Sunderland (unless they really dig the English premier league). It’s become a habit of just automatically saying, “Newcastle” (turncoat, I know, shoot me). “Yeah I’m from near Newcastle” I say back to them. There’s an awkward silence for about 7 seconds. The two Swiss girls look at each other and with a knowing look they turn back to me and simply say in unison “Geordie Shore?” Instantly I was gripped by a nauseous twinge of embarrassment, sort of like the feeling you get when your parents ask about your sex life. Through gritted teeth, I smile back at them. “Yeah… Geordie Shore” I say, feeling the blood boiling underneath my skin. The two girls become animated “Oh my god, WE LOVE GEORDIE SHORE!” they flap excitedly “is Newcastle really like that?!” I wanted to scream at them “of course it’s not fucking like that, you dunderheaded morons”, but there were two points that stopped me. A: I’m (debatably) not a dickhead so wasn’t going to start fights with two naïve young ladies, excited to be away from home on a European adventure; and B: I can escape the grim realisation that there are sections of Newcastle that, in actuality, are “just like Geordie Shore”.

“I am appealing for the day that I can go to some hostel bar in some weird Eastern European capital and some Swiss girls will have something better to talk about with me than Geordie fucking Shore.” If we are to look at the various Television programs that have been set or filmed in the NorthEast in recent years, there have been two recurring trends. The first trend I’m going to pick apart is that of “the self-destructive fuck-nugget” and the portrayal of the Geordie as a victim and/or purveyor of societal ills. While, I like to think that me and my friends aren’t shallow, heavy-drinking, promiscuous, muscle-bound and tattooed idiots, I can’t help but feel that this is the expectation that the outsiders of the North East have of us. It is

shows such as Geordie Shore which help to cement this reputation. To a certain extent, Geordie Shore CELEBRATES this reputation. The specific club scene in Newcastle that is shown on Geordie Shore, does base itself on a sense of exclusivity, as places such as Tup Tup Palace and The Diamond Strip attempt to project an illusion of stateliness through their marketing and promotional tactics. The shots of Gaz, Ricky, Jay and the rest of the lads in their finest v-necks, hogging the VIP booths in House Of Smith or wherever with a bottle of Grey Goose between them solidifies this sense of a romanticised drinking culture. Indeed, Lonely Planet has previously listed Newcastle’s drink fuelled nightlife as one of the Europe’s top ten tourist attractions. The fact that Geordie Shore has been picked up on by international broadcasters does nothing to discredit this notion of a city of beautiful bingers. There is, however, no mention within Geordie Shore or acknowledgement of the dangers of heavy alcohol consumption. At worst, the images of Charlotte constantly pissing herself in public seem to bring this alcohol abuse into a field of parody rather than eliciting any true pathos. These supple young bodies going out and having a good time are understood, as for the time being, as indestructible. The suggestion we get from Geordie Shore is that there is no alcoholism in Newcastle. This lifestyle is normal and a conducive part of everyday life. It is very unlikely that we will see a Geordie Shore: 20 Years On where Char’s got a piss bag and Holly’s hooked up to a dialysis machine, but for the time being we have the BBC3 documentary Underage and Over the Limit. Filmed in Sunderland (Newcastle’s already under-represented neighbour) and following a bunch of underage binge drinkers, this was a show that demonstrated the darker side of the North East’s alcohol culture. This was a documentary that explored the statistical fact that the region has the highest rate of under-18s in specialist alcohol treatment. While I myself will admit to have “gone out” pretty regularly since the age of 15, we never saw anything to the extent of what was featured in this documentary. ‘Underage and Over the Limit’ implied that our youth were out of control, feral beasts who represent a level of anti-civilisation that could not exist closer to London. This idea of barbarianism is suggested even further when again we look at other recent documentaries documenting issues of health in the region. Weight Loss Ward Ward, another documentary filmed in the hospital I was born in, depicted another health epidemic that has come to be associated with our region for some time now. If you look at many of the statistics that have come out in National Obesity ta-

bles, it is common to see parts of Teesside included in these statistics and the double-sized doors were left wide-open for Weight Loss Ward to renege on a statistical “truth” that we obviously have no regard for our health.

“It was this ignorance of a vegetable (one that has never been common on the tables of the North East) that Jamie used to highlight our region’s cultural “backwardness”. AN ASPARAGUS FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!” However, if we look back at Jamie Oliver’s school dinner campaigns in the UK (crying in the USA aside… bless him), we might remember that he actually came up to these shores and spent some time in a primary school in Peterlee. Peterlee is a lot like many towns you’ll find in County Durham in that it used to have a thriving economy until the closure of the local min. After the closure the town plunged into the socio-economic deprivation which Jamie Oliver came up to tackle, but at the same time inadvertently “pointed his finger at”. There was a particular cringe-inducing scene when Jamie showed a bunch of kids different types of vegetables. He then got them to put their hands up if they knew what each one was. As Jamie expected, not all of the kids knew what some of the most basic vegetables were. His main sense of shock, however, seemed to come from the fact that none of the kids knew what an asparagus was. It was this ignorance of a vegetable (a vegetable that has never been culturally common on the dinner tables of the North East) that Jamie used to highlight our region’s cultural “backwardness”. AN ASPARAGUS FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! Our supposed “backwardness” is the second cultural trope common to British TV’s portrayal of this region. If we’re portrayed in a positive manner, we are generally not portrayed in particularly articulate terms. This is something that goes back to previous decades when we look at hugely popular British sitcoms such as The Likely Lads and Auf Wiedersehen, Pet where incredibly likeable protagonists are presented in straight-forward terms, without any bullshit or pretensions above their station (well, excluding Jimmy Nails and his ‘Crocodile Shoes’). This self-depre-

cating irony that was hugely successful in previous years has indeed found a renaissance in the terms of TV shows like Geordie Shore, with Charlotte’s “Mackem simplicity” leading her on to a new Karl Pilkington-esque TV show of her own. Even the hugely successful and clearly intelligent comedienne Sarah Millican has to resort to a ditziness I can only ascribe to a drunken aunty at Christmas, in order to get a few laughs. The image of a Geordie making slightly unintelligent comments has become a comedy goldmine. Enter stage-right the latest family to appear on Gogglebox, the Moffatts from County Durham. You may or may not have been aware, that before the latest series of Gogglebox was filmed Channel 4 held an open-casting call in the region, specifically claiming that they were looking for a “Geordiesounding family”. By all means, their plain talking assessment of TV shows is successful in terms of comedic capital, but I can’t help but get the feeling that this family is more of an object to laugh at, rather than laugh with. “Londoners think that we’re thick” is the astute remark that one of the Moffatts makes when watching Mind the Gap: London Vs the Rest and begrudgingly I can’t help but agree with what they say. The London centred British media has perpetuated this to solidify England’s own insecurities in a time of recession. BBC 3’s Shoplife was the perfect example of this national anxiety. Here we had a bunch of young adults working in the Metro Centre who all had aspirations higher than a career in retail. While indeed, they may have come across as stereotypically ‘Geordie’, they did not engage in the selfdestructive behaviour of their other televised cousins. Frequently, they offered intelligent and almost philosophical reflections on their lives and at times it was heart-breaking to follow their dayto-day struggle of going from one day to the next without even knowing if they had work at the end of the day. Certainly the recession has hit this region harder than many other regions; however this is NOT the ONLY area of the country faced with cuts, unemployment, and a consistent lack of investment, but the constant portrayal of this tainted North East would make you think that this was some sort of interzone populated by numbskulls. The North East of England is a diverse region and as such its people are a diverse bunch. I’m not denying that what we see on television has no basis in truth, but I am appealing for the day that I can go to some hostel bar in some weird Eastern European capital and some Swiss girls will have something better to talk about with me than Geordie fucking Shore.

The Courier

science&technologyfeature.31

Tuesday 6 May 2014

Fad diet failure

It’s nearly summer, and summer means one thing, daring to bare more skin. This realisation can lead us into a panic, shifting those extra winter pounds can strike fear into the hearts of even the most body conﬁdent. Turning to a quick ﬁx in the form of a fad diet may seem like the answer

Juice abuse T

Herbalife? HerbaLIE

f you’re on this diet or even considering going on this diet, then stop, just stop, right now, put the supplements down and back away slowly. Lets think about this for a second, before surrendering yourself and your money to Herbalife, check out what science backs up their claims, or rather lack of. There is a section on their website named “Our Science”, seems promising, but all it actually contains are reassuring statements about how they’re at the forefront of nutrition science and names of people with PhD’s who are involved in the products. No explanation of what this science is, or how it works, strange. However, even if for some crazy reason you decide the “Our Science” page is all the convincing you need and you go ahead and buy their “formulas”, consider these two points. Number one – do you really need all these supplements? Has your qualified medical doctor told you you’re lacking in any vitamin recently, what about protein, or zinc? If the answer is no then you do not need these products. Anything extra you shove down your gullet will only get peed out again, because your body doesn’t need it. Number two – liver disease has been linked to its usage. To give the product its due, there has never been a direct link recorded, but as with everything in science, caution is key and it would be foolish of researchers to conclude that Herbalife contributes to liver disease outright, especially as the boom in product use is relatively new. However, links between the two have still been reported across the world, surely even the slightest chance of damaging your liver would put you off ? In short, despite all the impressive sounding credentials, there is nothing to say it actually works, you might hear people saying, “my friends, friends cat lost 10 pounds in a week on Herbalife”, but in reality they will probably put it back on again in a couple of weeks and they might have done themselves some damage in the mean time. As boring and difficult as it may seem, the only thing that will help you loose weight and keep it off is healthy eating and exercise. Elizabeth Hampson

here is a self-acclaimed ‘juice master’, who says you can lose 5lbs in five days with his juice detox diet, which even comes with a book and free wall-planner, fantastic. So what? Buy a juicer (around £30 from Amazon) and drink three fruit juices a day following the master’s recipes whilst reading a chapter of the book, sounds easy enough right? You might lose 5lbs in five days, but these are likely to be five days of pure hell and there’s a high chance you will put all of it on again (and then some) soon afterwards. If you do this diet there’s one thing you definitely will be - hungry. To get around this problem you’ll need five or six oranges for a decent glass of orange juice, but wouldn’t you rather eat them? The juice diet also claims to detox our bodies, but we have kidneys which do this naturally, you don’t need juice to do it. So does a ‘detox’ work? As Ben Goldacre (MRCPsych) says, “If it helps us realise that having a healthy lifestyle all the time is an attainable goal, then yes. But if it makes us think healthy living is like purgatory, something to be ventured into very occasionally, and with much trepidation and forward planning, then the answer is clearly no.” As it stands, there is very limited evidence in support of a detox which eliminates toxins. If you’ve over-indulged recently and the words “bikini body” are haunting you, don’t fear you still have over two months to shape up before the sun comes out properly. This is a decent amount of time and you could still see a change just by doing more exercise and cutting out the junk food, rather than forcing yourself to live of nothing but juice. Now go and put the money you’d spend on a juicer to good use and buy some new gym gear to get you motivated. Morven Lean

Tapeworm terror

at what you like, when you like! No calorie counting, no excluding any food groups. Just get more body confident as you shed away the pounds within weeks. You’re even guaranteed a new friend. But ut not surprisingly, the tape worm diet is exactly as stupid and disgusting as it sounds. You can ingest a tapeworm in pill or egg form, and host its growth as it begins its new life in Hotel de intestine. The side effects of generously offering a home to this life-sucking parasite include some of your vital nutrition being stolen away from you, and the possibility of suffering from a life-threatening intestinal blockage. Vitamin deficiency, nausea, and a lot of bowel–related unpleasantries are also on the cards. It’s very difficult to see anything on the plus side for this fad. The general idea is that with the worm feeding from the food you consume, you end up sharing the sustenance, and therefore processing a lower level of calories while eating about the same amount as your usual dietary intake. This causes the body to resort to burning fat reserves for energy, and excess weight is lost. However, if you think that outweighs the cons listed above, just bear in mind the possibility that the tape worm can grow up to 33m, which may offset any of this weight loss. Luckily, this is not a diet which is used often in modern society, with its practice peaking in Victorian times, and demand sharply decreasing since. Recently, science journalist Dr Moseley infected himself with an easily treatable beef tapeworm, and then consumed a camera six weeks later to see how they were getting on. He found three tapeworms living inside his intestine, and also found that he had gained weight, due to the worms stealing his nutrients and making feel hungry for more food. So, no overall benefits to be found from consuming parasitic worms. Who knew. Penny Polson

Soup-erbad

Flickr:

Cabbage soup: let’s be honest, it’s not exactly everyone’s favourite lunch. But for years, it has been hailed as the answer to everyone’s rapid weight loss needs. It has stood the test of time as far as fad diets go, and it is endorsed by celebrities such as Sarah Michelle Gellar. But what’s the reality behind this bizarre fad diet? You won’t lose weight in a healthy way. Magazines and cabbage soup diet enthusiasts will promise extreme initial weight loss from this fad diet, and this is probably true – but it’s not the kind of weight you want to be losing. Firstly, cabbage soup diets involve dangerously low calorie intake of around 1000 calories per day, and can panic your body into starvation mode – it may start to burn energy from its stores in the form of protein, i.e. your muscles. This will directly slow down your metabolism once you stop the diet - pretty counter -productive if you ask me. Furthermore, as cabbage is a diuretic (which forces water to leave your body), initial weight loss is largely explained by loss of a huge amount of water weight, which you will regain once you stop the diet. You’ll miss out on key nutrients. Cabbage soup may be low in calories and be packed with vegetables – but you’ll be missing out on a wealth of essential nutrients, including protein and fat, and you’ll also be low on fibre, which is essential for a healthy, happy digestive system. The side effects just aren’t pleasant, or pretty. Well known side effects of the cabbage soup diet include headaches, exhaustion, mood swings, bad breath, and err.. embarrassing digestive issues. Having recently been on holiday with someone with fad diet-induced digestive problems, trust me – you don’t want to be that person. Alison Stainsby

32.science&technology

Tuesday 6 May 2014

The Courier

Science Editor: Elizabeth Hampson Deputy Science Editors: Emad Ahmed and Peter Style

Should you stay or go over a hot cup of Joe?

With exams looming students now look to whatever they can to help them through those desperate nights of cramming. Deputy Science Editor Peter Style and self confessed caffeine addict soaks up the truth behind the protein shake of academia: coffee, proudly fuelling students since the 15th century

any a parent has said that they did not really drink coffee until they came to university, and I am sure every student would agree that to come out of university with a good degree, the likelihood is you are going to have to develop a taste for at least one form of caffeinated drink. So to all the first years reading this now, take your pick. There has been a lot of research done on the potential hidden dangers of coffee as it is estimated that in America around 90% of the population drinks at least one cup of the stuff a day. The caffeine blues is the term given to the fluctuation of ups and downs exper i -

trophygeek

enced throughout the day after the consumption of a large morning dose of coffee. Coffee and all other caffeinated drinks release adrenaline into the body as well as engaging and stimulating neuronal activity. Together these provide the increased alertness and lift experienced immediately after consumption. However once this effect has worn off feelings of irritability, anxiety will be experienced as a result until more caffeine has been consumed. The problem with coffee is that similar to any other drug the more that you consume the greater a tolerance to the substance your body develops. This means that those proper hardcore coffee addicts drinking in excess of half a dozen cups a day and into night wandering the robbo before a deadline, are seriously prone to experiencing what is known as ‘severe adrenal depletion’. Adrenal depletion is where the glands that produce and secrete adrenaline have basically burned out of the stuff and are running on empty. This continued forcing of the adrenal glands to produce more caffeine results in extreme tiredness to the point where the stimulating effect is almost completely lost until the adrenal glands have had time to recover during sleep. In extreme cases of severe caffeine addiction and adrenal exhaustion symptoms of extreme mood swings and erratic sleeping patterns develop which can ultimately lead to

“It is estimated that in America around 90% of the population drinks at least one cup of coffee a day”

depression. While large amounts of caffeine have also been heavily linked to increased risk of heart disease and increasing blood pressure. Do not fear, the negative effects observed as a result of caffeine have all been tested through doses way exceeding four cups of coffee a day. Beneficial effects of caffeine consumption can actually be achieved through drinking lower (and far more normal) amounts of daily coffee consumption. Coffee has been proven to contain large amounts of anti-oxidants which are also found in other (much healthier drinks) such as pomegranate juice. These anti-oxidants reduce the risk of cancer by reducing the release of free radicals in the body. Further to this evidence suggesting that the increased stimulation of the brain from coffee can reduce the chances of degenerative disorders such as Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. As is the case with most pleasures in life, enjoy in moderation. Yes there are some beneficial factors of coffee consumption, though these can all be more than achieved from only one or t w o

“The increased neuronal stimulation of coffee has been proven to reduce the risk of developing degenerative disorders such as Alzheimer’s or Parkinsons” cups a day. So when it comes down to cost-benefit analysis, it is probably worth those extra cups a day during these coming weeks up to exams, allowing you to pull off those vital last minute all-nighters of cramming.

trophygeek

Rewriting the future

Stationery is about to undergo its most radical change since the humble ballpoint. Sarah McIntyre investigates conductive ink and how it could rewrite what you read, and now hear on paper

magine singing posters and pens that can draw working circuits. These may seem like things straight out of a sci-fi film but thanks to a new conductive ink that has been developed, these are no longer items of fiction. In Liverpool, you can find all the information on the upcoming music events on a poster called the Listening Post. Promotion posters are common place but without knowing the band, many people are unlikely to look into it any further. However the Listening Post is a poster with a difference. If you press the thumbnail of the group you’re interested in, you can hear a small sample of the band’s music. You can even book tickets to their event via this paper poster. This is all down to the printed circuits using a conductive silver ink and a small speaker on the back. The team that developed the Listening Post, a joint effort between Uniform, Novalia and Fence records, are even looking at taking it a step further by connecting it to the Cloud so that the poster can be updated. Not only have they made musical posters but also postcards. These work in a similar way to the poster although these require a postcard player for the speaker which currently costs around £100, but with further development should be available for much less. To prove the diversity of this technology, Uniform even made paper headphones as part of their presentation at the South by Southwest show in Austin, Texas for users to listen to their postcards. The conductive ink has also been put in a ballpoint pen, by a research team at the University of Illinois, so that people can draw their own circuit boards on any surface they choose like paper, wood, etc. While similar products have existed in the past, the new and exciting development for this pen is that the circuits remain flexible after the ink has dried. While the circuits have only been able to hold sim-

“Conductive ink takes away the need for a screen completely” ple circuits like connecting a battery and lighting a series of LEDs, the low cost of this technology means that it is sure to take off in a big way. Another benefit is this ink can be put into normal pens and inkjet printers or regular printing presses, which means that no new fancy printing equipment would need to be bought either. This smart paper could mean a revolution in the way we currently access music and other avenues and see a big return to physical media rather than online exclusives. Interacting with posters and stickers is hardly new - QR codes can be found everywhere - but this takes

Cyberscooty

away the need for a screen completely and is therefore even more accessible by everyone. As paper is also very cheap, this could see people start to move away from expensive technologies and move back into the real world. The next steps are things like interactive packaging, automatically updating magazines and product stickers that can log how often they’ve been pressed and therefore provide vital marketing information. Although this technology is still in its infancy, its potential is enormous. Fifty years ago, colour TV was introduced for the first time at New York’s World Fair and within the next fifty years, people could be going to museums and see iPhones and tablets and being astounded that we used to have to carry technology with us. This could well be the start of the future.

Balthazar

Nobel

The Courier

science&technology.33

Tuesday 6 May 2014

I’ll see you in frozen hell

thecourieronline.co.uk/science c2.science@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_science

Ben Tyrer helps us understand the people behind the long-term trial of freezing a body long after death, which has little scientiﬁc credibility

t seems like the stuff of science fiction. The only people who are cryogenically frozen are those travelling for light-years at a time in monolithic spaceships, or futuristic prisoners thawed out to save the world á la Stallone in the wondrous Demolition Man.. But no – there are in fact over a hundred people stored in freezing temperatures at the Cryonics Institute, a nonprofit organisation founded in 1976 by Robert Ettinger, a man described as “the father of cryonics”. Or rather, the institute has stored a hundred frozen cadavers. This is not quite cryostasis in the way the films depict it – the technology to suspend living people for stretches of time is just not quite available yet. In actuality, over a hundred dead bodies (and 64 deceased pets) are suspended in freezing conditions at the Cryonics Institute in Michigan, in the hopes that one day science will have progressed enough to revive the ‘patients’ who can then live on happily in perpetuity. Their hope is that at an indeterminable point in the future, science will enable the prospect of both immortality and the ability to bring back the dead, and those who are frozen will be revived to enjoy it when that day arrives. The institute has the freezing bit sorted – they just need some time to figure out the reviving long-dead corpses part (and the bit about immortality). This is all a little bit stranger than fiction. But if you’ve got the money – it’s $1,250 dollars for a lifetime membership or $120 a year – you might as well go in for the chance of future resurrection, right? Beats being stuck in the ground until the end of time. A lifetime member will be stored in liquid nitrogen upon death for the small cost of $28,000 dollars Steven Depolo

on top of their fees, while a yearly member will be set back $35,000.

These rates are apparently favourable in comparison to competing cryonics organisations (including some who only offer neuropreservation – storing only the heads) because the Institute receives a large volumes of donations and is described as ‘conser vatively managed’. Ettinger is retired from managing the institute personally, but looks forward to being frozen himself in t h e hop e s of livi n g again another day.

Illustration by Rachel Templeman

After the tragedy of the Malaysia Airlines ﬂight MH370, people continue to travel across the world primarily by ﬂight. Michael Hicks tells us how the plane became impossible to track down, and how air travel has changed

“There is no global network for tracking all aircraft at all times”

The media buzz around this plane has raised questions yet again on the safety and security of air travel. Despite these worries, UK air travel is amongst the safest in the world. According to the UK’s Civil Air Authority, you are 15 times more likely to die from a lightning strike than in a plane crash. So how exactly did this plane disappear? At this time, we don’t know for sure, but a contribut-

Deputy Science Editor Emad Ahmed asks why the tech industry believes wearables are the next big thing

“If you’ve got the money, you might as well go in for the chance of future resurrection, right?”

Come ﬂy away with me he story of Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 is a pteromerhanophobic’s worst nightmare. The Boeing 777 with 239 people on board seemingly disappeared over the southern Indian Ocean, with no means of contacting those on board. And there has been no possible trace (so far) of the black box, a flight recorder every plane is equipped with which is specifically created to track down planes and are designed to withstand conditions so ridiculously severe that the cast of The Expendables would break down like little kids who just scraped his knees if subjected to them.

Is it time to buy a smartwatch?

ing factor is that the plane was in the process of switching airspaces during the period communications with the plane were lost. Air-traffic controllers in Malaysia were in the middle of handing over the flight to Vietnam as they lost contact, and there is no global network for tracking all aircraft at all times, and if a pilot disables the transponder communication equipment (as did the co-pilot of MH370), then there is almost nothing that people on the ground can do to contact the plane. Call it intuition, but the reason we paid so much attention to this mystery is that these events are so rare in the first place and involve so many people at once from different countries, media companies jump all over these stories as they make very readable (but too often awful) stories. The other main reason as to why we as a species have such a fascination with air travel and its incidents is that we are still living with the aftermath of the September 11th attacks, a horrific incident which occurred during our lifetimes. Airport security pre- and post-9/11 are near unrecognisable, and nearly every other week we hear a story of some dumb, suburban teenager sarcastically threatening a major airline in 140 characters or less and getting arrested for it.

In the face of the disappearance of MH370, there have been calls for tighter airline security, and Malaysia Airlines have said that procedures will be tightened but only on the check-in side, specifically passport control. They plan to cross-reference passports with databases of missing travel documents in an effort to more accurately gauge who is on the flight, and there has been a call for flight marshals on board mid-flight to stop ‘unwanted intrusions and indeed to keep an eye on the pilots’, all to combat the leading cause of air travel accidents: human error.

Illustration by Rachel Templeman

Mike Deerkoski

ast year, during an earnings call, Apple CEO Tim Cook hinted at the development of gadgets in “exciting new product categories”. Fast forward to April 2014, the stance has changed to a new product being “closer than it’s ever been” to release. What is the “it” exactly? Rumours of new devices from the company have swirled to all-new peak levels in the past 12 months. For over a decade, many bored analysts have speculated Apple has covertly been working on a traditional, giant television. However, with the explosion of fitness trackers from your basic pedometer to other wearables such as the Pebble watch, smartwatches are still on course to become the hot new thing at which we will all eventually stare. But why? It’s now assumed virtually every technology company is working on a smartwatch. Some have already decided to release whatever beta, halfbaked products they can cook in their labs, with Samsung releasing two successive devices in the space of seven months, faster than a Marvel-based film franchise. Others are somehow restraining themselves from releasing products. Facing opposite Apple, Google announced a tweaked version of their highly successful Android operating system last month, named Google Wear, which will come equipped inside watches arriving from both Motorola and LG possibly as soon as this summer. And Microsoft announced a free version of Windows for the “Internet of Things” (such as watches and other not-yet-smart devices) which will become available to traditional computer hardware manufacturers.

“The question evolves into whether the average person would want to wear such a device”

It’s fair to assume many techies, including students, would perhaps enjoy wearing an expensive device on their wrist which does more than tell time. But what else exactly? Incoming messages and reminders? Your current heart rate and blood pressure? The question then evolves into whether the normal, average person would want to wear such a device, the way many tech firms advertise their current offerings, as one-size-fits-all solutions. We can all easily remain naysayers right now, and assume these strange products will add to what we believe is a pointless plethora of glowing screens and silly sounds, in our pockets and on our desks. But technology is about making people’s lives easier. After all, why would I want to look for directions to that new restaurant with that huge phone we all lug around in our pockets when I could do so with the flick of a wrist? It’s currently a strange time for technology, as the brains of Silicon Valley continue to work on the next big thing which they hope we’ll all love the instant we see it, like the iPod or the iPad. But like those products, which were neither the first to be released or the most widely available upon release, maybe we’re all waiting for the fruit company to show everyone else how it’s done right.

The Courier

35.puzzles

Tuesday 6 May 2014

Puzzles There’s no quizness like show quizness, like no quizness I know. Hand in your answers at The Courier office to have a chance of winning drinks at MensBar

Crossword 1

I sat down with Grandma for a game of pictionary, but she’s just not very good, bless her. Can you help me ﬁgure out which common phrase she’s trying to draw?

14 15

18 1 Hairstyle favoured by such TV hunks as Phil Mitchell and Walter White (4) 3 Duran Duran hit about some particularly unruly lads(4, 4) 5 Taking things a bit too far, specifically where murder is concerned (8) 6 TV detective with OCD, a hardcore practitioner of Christianity or Buddhism (4) 8 A rock hard cuboid used in the construction of shithouses (5) 10 Philosopher novelist known for her 1000+ page doorstop Atlas Shrugged (3, 4) 13 Fictional abbey home to Maggie Smith (7) 15 One third of your psyche, according to Freud (8) 17 Aperitif popular in Greece (4) 18 Madcap one hit wonders responsible for ‘Bom Bom Bom’ (3, 3, 3, 4)

The first person to bring the completed puzzles to The Courier office in the Students’ Union will be awarded the prize and the respect of their peers, which let’s be honest is priceless

Grandma’s Pictionary

Across

Win a MensBar voucher

Puzzles Editors: Tom Nicholson and Sam Summers

Down

1 U2 frontman known for being politically active, as well as being an utter knobhead (4) 2 Move really fast; also a terrible film about a superhero school run by Tim Allen (4) 3 Massive Chinese frying pan (3) 4 Audio technology used in cinemas (5) 7 Somebody who can tell the future, like Gloria Foster in The Matrix (6) 8 Will Smith cop movie, probably mates with 3 across (3, 4) 9 French footballer hailed with cries of ‘ooh, ah’ (4) 11 Really big river. Seriously, I guarantee you have never seen a river bigger than this (3,3) 12 The Flintstones’ reptillian purple chum (5) 14 Brazil___, coco___, pea___ (6) 16 Rock movement pioneered by David Bowie and T. Rex (4) Why wasn’t Richard Nixon allowed near the hosepipe when Pop Idol runner up Gareth’s birthday cake was brought out?

Sudoku

4 8 6 1 9 7 2 3 4 5 8 1 9 6 2 2 7 8 3 8 2 6 5 4 9 6

1 4 5 2 9

Oh, Smiggsy!

In case he tried to water Gates’ candle!

36.sportfeatures

Tuesday 6 May 2014

The Courier

Sporting scorelines

Following Wirral Cricket Club’s total of ‘3 all out’ in a club match last

Kim Jong Il-fortune When North Korea were drawn in a group with Brazil, Portugal and the Ivory Coast in the 2010 FIFA World Cup, the hermit nation could not have had any expectation of progressing to the knockout stages of the competition. Their first match was against world heavyweights and five time winners, Brazil. It took quite remarkable Maicon goal to see off the Minnows who lost the game 2-1. Such was the surprise across the world and in North Korea itself at the result that Dear Leader Kim Jongil allowed the following match against Portugal to be broadcast live on state television; the first time such an event had occurred. Buoyed by their showing against Brazil, expectation was high in North Korea, but the country was on course to be brought back down to earth with a bang. After an impressive first half, which saw Portugal struggle to break down the Korean defence, the score at the break was only 1-0. The North Koreans were still in the game, just as they had been in their opener. However in the second half the Portuguese were able to show their class, ripping through the part timers all too easily. The game ended

7-0, and North Korea’s first foray into live World Cup broadcasting without censorship was a complete failure. Stories go on to insist that instead of allowing the next game to be shown live, and to avoid further embarrassment, Kim had footage created which showed his side overcome the Ivorians in their final group game. It showed North Korea progress to the knockout rounds and go on to lift the Jules Rimet cup, all broadcast to the adoring masses. In reality, the North Koreans returned to the harsh reality of home empty handed, having lost their final game 3-0. The side failed to qualify for this year’s tournament, and it may be some time before we see them on the world stage again. Since 2010 North Korea has overseen a change in leadership, With Kim’s son, Kim Jong-un now in charge. Given that reports in Pyongyang suggested that Un himself had won five gold medals at the Sochi Winter Olympics earlier this year, I am sure that he has already prepared footage of him grabbing a 90th minute winner ready for July 13th. Will Crane

WOOPS: An error by the North Korean keeper allows Ronaldo to head home a goal. Image: Getty

Nigerians net 79 in match ﬁxing effort A score line of 79-0 is considered a demolition in rugby, but when Plateau United Feeders slotted nearly 80 goals past Akurba FC, the Algerian footballing world was left picking their jaws up off the floor. The hilarity of the situation goes further. Akurba FC were only trailing 7-0 to their Nigerian amateur division 4 rivals at half time, with 72 goals scored in the second half to basically guarantee promotion. The stakes were surprisingly high in the sixth tier of the domestic league, with Plateau United Feeders sitting joint top with rivals Police Machine. Coincidently, goal difference would decide promotion. Too good to be true? It was. Police Machine also added an impressive tally to their credentials on the same weekend, beating Babayaro FC a staggering 67-0. Déjà vu perhaps for those watching from the stands, as 61 of Police Machine’s tally was scored in the second half. With ‘subtlety’ seemingly an unknown term among Nigerian footballers, the national Football Federation were forced to intervene. After what I imagine to have been a

relatively short investigation, Nigeria Football Federation cancelled the results and wiped all 146 goals from the league table. Referring to it as, ‘a mindboggling show of shame,’ the NFF found all four teams and the officials at both games guilty of match fixing. A perhaps somewhat harsh punishment, all 44 players who played for the two division 4 teams, alongside their technical and administrative staff, were banned for life. NFF vice president, Mike Umeh, said, ‘It was embarrassing that in one of the games, a player scored 11 times while in the other, four goals were scored within a minute and a player scored three owngoals.’ At least looking back at the English match fixing scandal in 2013, we can be thankful our premiership footballers weren’t senseless enough to try and get away with scoring 79 goals without anyone batting an eyelid. Fran Fitzsimmons

NFF Vice President Mike Umeh condemned the scandal. Image: Getty

55th time lucky for Dee The 22nd April 2008 was a momentous day for British tennis. At first glance, the match up between 21-year-old Robert Dee of Bexley in Kent and the unranked 17-year-old Arzhang Derakshani in the first round of the Tues tournament near Barcelona may not seem to provide reason for comment. However, it became notable because Dee emerged as the victor, and in doing so recorded his first win on the international circuit in 55 attempts. This impressive losing streak lasted three years, during which time Dee had travelled around the world on the circuit at an estimated cost of £200,000. It was a story which many national newspapers picked up on, but they had underestimated the unfortunate Brit who went on to sue them for defamation arguing that the pieces exposed him to ridicule. His victory over the news organisations is perhaps greater

than any of his tennis achievements; the main section of his website is entitled “apologies and corrections” and proudly lists over 20 media outlets who spoilt his questionable reputation. In Dee’s defence, he has managed to win several matches on the Spanish circuit and the ATP World Tour believes that he has earned almost $2,500 in career prize money. He also achieved a career high ranking of 1466th in 2005. These may not appear to be particularly impressive statistics but at least you can’t fault Dee for effort. In attempting to win matches, Dee travelled to countries including Iran, Senegal, Rwanda, Botswana, Venezuela, Kenya, and Sudan; you can be sure that Andy Murray doesn’t appear on court in any of those places on a regular basis. Tim Henman achieved great fame (and a substantial Robinsons sponsorship deal) for being the nearly man of British sport. However, the story of the not-at-all man is surely more entertaining, just don’t expect him to be advertising orange squash at any point in the near future. Freddie Caldwell

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Tuesday 6 May 2014

to make you squirm week, The Courier looks at equally embarrassing sporting defeats

Socceroos stuff American Samoa American Samoa’s national football team might have needed 17 years to claim its first ever official victory but in 2001 just 90 minutes were enough for the side to achieve something much more historical. On 11 April, the Samoans travelled to Coffs Harbour to meet Australia in a qualifying match for the 2002 FIFA World Cup.

keeper into the back of net. It started off well for the travelling visitors keeping a clean sheet for the first ten minutes. However, a goal from Con Boutsianis marked the beginning of the forthcoming terror. Due to some passport issues before the game, American Samoa goalkeeper Nicky Salapu was the only member of the country’s original senior line-up.

Samoa’s team, boasting an average age of just 18 years old, struggled to muster any sort of visit to Australia’s half of the pitch for the entire contest With the hosts setting a new world record for the largest win two days earlier, with a 22-0 win against Tonga, the bets were in Australia’s favour, especially with American Samoa not in the best form. Still, even the most pessimistic American Samoan spectators could have foreseen 31 goals to fly past the

The first half saw the Australians strike the ball past him sixteen times with Archie Thompson being responsible for 8 goals in the first forty-five. Meanwhile, the team with an average age of 18, and including three 15-year old players, struggled to even visit Australia’s half of the pitch.

Two minutes before full time, Archie Thompson scored his 13th and final goal to break the all-time record for a single international match. His countryman David Zdrilic ended Samoa’s travails at 31-0 to finish with a tally of eight, naturally becoming next on the list. Regarded as one of the most ridiculous sporting matches, the result paved the way for a major alteration in the Oceanian qualification zone as FIFA established a preliminary round for future campaigns. On the other hand, after topping the group with 12 points and 66-0 goal difference, the Socceroos were transferred to the Asian Football Confederation in 2006 to face a more competitive opposition. This move proved perhaps equally profitable for American Samoa. Consequently, it allowed the unfortunate team to cease a 30-loss streak and rejoice in a delightful debut win over Tonga, 2-1, in 2011. Peter Georgiev

STAYING BUSY: Nicky Salapu in action for Samoa. Image: Getty

Kiwis clobber Portugal These days, when the New Zealand national rugby side win a match, it is barely considered news anymore. However, in the 2007 Rugby World Cup, the All Blacks made all sorts of headlines after racking up a victory of a 108-13 against rugby amateurs Portugal.

In the 48th minute, Rui Cordeiro of Portugal, a 21 stone part time rugby professional, full time vet, touched the ball down beyond the Kiwi try line, something England couldn’t manage. After breaching the try line of the Southern Hemisphere giants, Cordeiro will be a name in the Portuguese rugby

Rui Cordeiro of Portugal, a 21 stone part-time rugby player, full-time vet, did touch the ball down beyond the Kiwi try line - something England wouldn’t manage to do later in the tournament

STAND BACK: Andrew Hore brushes off Portugal. Image: Getty

It was little more than a training session for New Zealand; they barely broke sweat, but the 40,000 something crowd got a showcase in rugby at its best, with 16 All Black tries being touched down in total. Despite the heavy defeat, the Portuguese coach, Morais, said ‘It was a great day for rugby as a whole… Everyone in our country is now talking about the game, and to promote rugby you have to allow the smaller countries to play against the bigger ones.’ Portugal also ventured into unknown territory, even to England in their 2007 World Cup campaign, at last succeeding at troubling the scorers.

wall of fame forever more. There were moments when Portugal looked much better than the score line perhaps suggests. At around the 20 minute mark, there was a sublime moment of creativity. Scrum half Luis Pissara neatly flicked the ball around his back, throwing off the New Zealand tackler, out to Goncalo Malheiro who was positioned 40 yards from the posts. Malheiro looked cool, calm and collected as he slotted the ball through the posts for a drop goal. The match was a test of character for the Portuguese they would have been foolish to think they had a chance at

winning. Their tenacity was shown however; as they only conceived four more points in the second half than they did in the first. At one point, it almost looked like a second try was coming as well. The European underdogs camped in New Zealand’s 22 for the opening five minutes of the second half, and applied the pressure on the competition favourites. However, the All Blacks were always going to be victorious, and the Portuguese had almost surely accepted this before the commencing whistle. The Portuguese took the demolition on the chin though, and afterwards seemed in good spirits as they shared a pint with the Kiwis. If it had of been football, New Zealand would surely have prevailed victors with an astounding point difference, but unfortunately it wasn’t their year as they were knocked out in the quarters to the French. Not surprisingly, Portugal never made it out of the group stages. As it stands, the unfortunately won’t be making an appearance at Twickenham for the 2015 World Cup. Despite Portuguese pride taking a knock, following the harrowing 108-13 defeat, physically Portugal didn’t suffer any injuries. Maybe the All Blacks had been going easy on them. Fran Fitzsimmons

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The Courier

Durham Cricket to continue

With a mixture of old hands, new blood and a legendary Sri Lankan,

By Freddie Caldwell at The Riverside Ground “We’re from the North, we go to the bar for a beer. The other team aren’t allowed to do that”. The atmosphere around Durham County Cricket Club is unlike almost anything else in the world of professional sport, but it works. Last year’s County Champions go into the new season with high expectations and as “marked men”, but this doesn’t appear to be causing an undue amount of stress at the club. After spending the build up to the season soaking up the sun (and playing a bit of cricket) in Abu Dhabi, the team are now back in the UK and have enjoyed a solid start to the season,

old all-rounder is a vital player for the Durham side, not only for his stoical batting, troublesome medium pace and outstanding fielding, but for the experience which he is able to pass on to his young teammates. Along with Mustard in the batting department and Onions in the bowling, Durham are not short of talismanic figures. Although all of the players are keen to stress that their focus is on Durham, it would be naïve to suggest that they are not thinking about the England side as their end goal. Graham Onions is a player who knows what it is like to be a part of the test side but suffered huge disappointment last year when he was not selected for the Ashes side. Having spoken to the then coach Andy Flower and captain Alistair

Mustard recounts: “When I first came on the scene, the fridge in the dressing room was full of beers...” drawing their first two games. According to fast bowler Graham Onions, this year’s team is “a blend of youth and experience”. There has certainly been a large influx of young players into the squad over the last few years, largely as a result of the departure of experienced bowlers such as Steve Harmison and Liam Plunkett in recent seasons. However, the club’s academy has recently produced several players that have the potential to go on and play for England; some already have such as Ben Stokes and Scott Borthwick. Whilst these players should help the team continue their strong form in the County Championship, there is also a hope that they can improve their results in the shorter form of the game. Batsmen Mark Stoneman has been announced as the ‘white ball captain’ for this season, meaning that he will take charge of the one-day and Twenty20 competitions. Experienced batsmen Phil Mustard believes that the way the team is set up this year should suit these shorter formats as they are able to bat down to eight or nine. Another knowledgeable voice comes from the four-day captain and former England international Paul Collingwood. Having recently returned from a coaching role with England at the T20 World Cup in Bangladesh, the 37 year-

Cook, Onions was told that they were looking for taller players, which was a “massive shame” from his side. He admits: “it took a while to move on because I wanted it so badly” and he believed that his performances were good enough. He has always been a prolific wicket taker for Durham, particularly at their Riverside ground at Chester-LeStreet, which tends to be favourable to seam bowling. The statistics speak for themselves; he has taken 438 first class wickets at an average of 25.94. Onions is hopeful that if his performances are good enough then he will be in the England team for the first test against Sri Lanka. However, he is not the only player with England aspirations as many of the younger members of the squad also harbour ambitions of being involved. Someone who has already made the jump is Ben Stokes who was one of the few players to emerge with any credit from the disastrous winter Ashes tour. He received less credit for his performances in the subsequent ODI series in the West Indies where he injured his wrist by punching a locker after getting out. This injury has ruled him out of Durham’s early season games and he is due for another scan in the next week or so.

Another young player in the England frame is Scott Borthwick who, along with Onions, recently toured Sri Lanka with the England Lions. Despite this experience, Borthwick insists that he is “not looking too far ahead” and is focusing on this season with Durham, even if it is not the best ground for his spin bowling. He insists: “it all depends on the weather. Even the Riverside does spin if it’s dry and hot”. Durham also have young fast bowlers such as Mark Wood but he also plays down his chances of playing for England in the near future. He said that he “wouldn’t put a timescale on getting into the England setup. The ambition is to get there eventually”. Although some members of the Durham team are evidently committed to getting into the England side, they all seem happy in the environment of their county team. This is hardly surprising when you speak to the players who

have been there for many years such as Phil Mustard who paints a great picture of club spirit and unity. The County Championship is very much a marathon and not a sprint, a fact that is acknowledged at Durham, and aside from being allowed into the

came on the scene, the fridge in the dressing room was full of beers, then it all changed, all this health food stuff. You need to eat healthily but you can go over the top, we just said that we’re not kids, we got that changed”. Although the beer consumption is

Durham’s approach is still somewhat different to the ECB’s bar after the games, there are plenty of other ways in which the players are encouraged to relax. They make sure that they don’t spend too much time together over the winter; otherwise there is a danger that “people get sick of each other” according to Mustard. The team’s attitude has definitely undergone a few changes over the years as Mustard recounts: “When I first

probably down on what it once was, the attitude is still very different to the majority of professional sports clubs. Part of that is due to the nature of cricket as a sport; physical fitness is obviously important but perhaps not to the same extent as in other disciplines. However, Durham’s approach is still somewhat different to the ECB’s so some of the players may be in for a

CHAMPAGNE TIME: The Durham team celebrate winning the 2013 County Championship. Image: Getty

The Courier

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Tuesday 6 May 2014

County Championship charge Durham CCC are once again planning a Championship assault

RIGHT UP CHESTER-LE-STREET: The Riverside now hosts international games such as last year’s 4th Ashes Test. Image: Getty bit of a shock if they make it into the England setup. The team now finds itself two games into the season with two draws to their name. Whilst it is encouraging to be unbeaten, the results have left captain Collingwood disappointed as wins are much more valuable than draws in the County Championship. Crucially, although several batsmen including Collingwood have recorded 50s, none have moved on to a century so the strength of the batting has been a worry. When looking for someone to help with batting, you could do worse than sign a man ranked 2nd in the world according to the ICC test batting world rankings, a man with over 11,000 test runs to his name, a man with the best test batting average of any current player; Sri Lankan international Kumar Sangakkara. As coach Jon Lewis noted: “when the

opportunity arose, it was a bit of a nobrainer”. Although he is prepared for allegations of treachery from England fans (there could be the suggestion that an English county team shouldn’t be helping a Sri Lankan adjust to the conditions ahead of their summer tour), he says: “this is about Durham, doing the right thing for us”. Not only will Sangakkara’s addition bolster Durham’s batting line-up, he will also be another experienced head for the younger players to learn from. Lewis says: “watching how world class players go about it is great for younger players”, and he acknowledged that the dressing room was very excited about the new signing. Unfortunately, the Sri Lankan will only be available for the next two championship games against Yorkshire and Sussex, and it will be a challenge for him to settle in in such a short space of time, particularly with the

stark difference in the conditions between Colombo and Durham. However, Sangakkara seems to relish the test, noting that the challenging nature of the conditions means that if you are looking to learn then county cricket is the place to be. Despite the forthcoming England series, Sangakkara is keen to emphasise his commitment to Durham: “of course I’ll have preparation for England in the back of my mind but it is important to stay focused on current events”. Although he is happy to help the younger players, he is quick to acknowledge: “I’ll probably get as much help as I give”. It is an interesting decision for Sangakkara to come to county cricket given that he has played in the lucrative IPL at this point in the year for the last few seasons. He admits that he loves being involved in the IPL but the short window that he had this year simply

LOVELY LUMLEY: A groundsman prepares the Riverside pitch for the 2014 season. Image: Getty

wasn’t enough to make it viable. He is also careful to warn of the dangers of having T20 cricket as your focus. He believes that “everyone wants to play test cricket for their country” and

Durham presents different challenges. These do not just come in the form of the weather (Sangakkara’s press briefing took place against the backdrop of a decidedly grey sky), but also in

“20 years down the line I don’t think anyone will remember how much you were sold for in an IPL auction...” it is first class cricket rather than T20 that allows you to do that. He acknowledges that it depends on the individual but in general, all formats are important because they provide different experiences and playing a variety of styles of cricket provides balance. For Sangakkara, T20 cricket is primarily about showcasing skills, as well as earning good money, whereas

finding his way around the North East; he got lost on his way to the ground and acknowledges that he is “not very technologically fluent with the TomTom… junctions are very different in Sri Lanka”. However, so long as the driving is primarily of the cover variety, it seems probable that Sangakkara will be a success at Durham, even if he is only there

“...The players who are talked about are the ones who have made an impact in the longer form of the game” the longer forms allow you to develop those skills and improve your game. He also believes that it is much easier to adjust from the longer form of the game to the shorter form than vice versa. It is obvious that the longer format is where Sangakkara’s passion really lies and he is committed to seeing test cricket continue. His belief is that “we need meaningful contest in test cricket” and in response to accusations that it is old fashioned, he says; “being archaic is a good thing, there is not much like it left”. He is also clearly concerned with his legacy in the game: “20 years down the line I don’t think anyone will remember how much you were sold for in an IPL auction… The players who are talked about are the ones who have made an impact in the longer form of the game”. Sangakkara has certainly made an impact; his batting and wicket keeping statistics speak for themselves in that regard. Given that he already has such an impressive record, it is admirable that he is still so committed to continuing to improve his technique. The move to England made sense because training in Sri Lanka is so difficult at this time of year: “two hours is a real challenge”, however, coming to

for a short period of time. Having said that, coach Jon Lewis hopes that he may want to return if he enjoys his stay. On an international level, Sangakkara’s career is probably drawing to a close; he reckons that it is getting to the stage where “either you go or you get asked to leave”. He anticipates trying to carry on to the next one-day World Cup in 2015 and then maybe a few tests after that. For the moment, Sri Lankan fans will just be hoping that he can perform well this summer against England. Sangakkara acknowledges that “we don’t have the pace and firepower that England have”, but they do have some talented young players coming through. Sangakkara remembers the 2006 series that was drawn 1-1, and the Sri Lankans are targeting a series win this time. There is even the possibility that Sangakkara may end up facing one of his new teammates in Graham Onions but it seems hard to believe that this will cause any problems at a side as relaxed as Durham. It really is a comfortable place to be, both as a player or a spectator; Phil Mustard sums up the atmosphere nicely: “we don’t care what we look like – we’re cricketers!”

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Sports Editors: Nick Gabriel, Freddie Caldwell and Fran Fitzsimmons courier.sport@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Sport

Newcastle University have conﬁrmed entry into the Great North Run for the 12th year. The plan on raising money for a whole host of different charities. Image: David Golding

BUCS bother for NCL By Fran Fitzsimmons Sports Editor

Newcastle University have failed to finish in the top 10 universities in BUCS sport for the first time since the 2010/11 season. Although a disappointing end to a year of sport, it is not all bad news, as only 300 points separated Newcastle from a top ten finish. Considering there are 144 establishments that take part in BUCS sport, seventeenth is not a bad place to hold across university sport in England, especially as a ninth place finish is the highest Newcastle has experienced since the overall league tables were first tallied in the 02/03 season.

vert Cup. With their local rivals finishing 9 places ahead in BUCS overall, it will be a tough job next year to claw back the points and pride forfeited this season to their neighbours. However, it’s not all doom and gloom as last month Team Newcastle were given something to smile about. The Men’s 1st XV rugby recently won the BUCS vase in a close final against Bristol University to end the season on a high note. Their victory has put rugby union among the top BUCS point earners at Newcastle University, with a 155 point contribution to the tally. Newcastle’s top team for the 2013/14 season has been fencing, who racked up a total of 158

of the multimillion pound Sport Centre, the future is looking up for sport in the North East. Redeeming a top ten place in the BUCS table won’t be an easy task,

but with extra funding to play with, there may be the resources and facilities for Team Newcastle to redeem their spot in the top ten next season.

Fraser Kennedy reassured clubs: “There is not going to be a cut in funding in this area in 2014/15”.

Loughborough have topped the table every year since, and have been particularly impressive this season, exerting their dominance by finishing 1000 points ahead of second placed Durham. Points are rewarded for the position teams finish in their league, for example, finishing top of the table in the Premiership would award your institute 50 points. Finishing top in Tier 3 earns 10 points. Essentially, the more teams you have in the Premiership, the more points you are going to get. The drop in the league table comes as a result of Newcastle suffering 756 defeats across all BUCS competitions, and winning only 642 in comparison. Team Newcastle has suffered a few blows in recent months, most notably losing to Northumbria in the Stan Cal-

points. Despite the drop in league table position, Director of Performance Sport, Fraser Kennedy, has reassured clubs, “There is not going to be a cut in funding in this area in 2014/15.” This news will be welcomed by sports clubs and societies at Newcastle, with an initial fear there would be a reduction in the total money available due to the drop to seventeenth place. Kennedy in fact stated the opposite is going to happen, ‘Quite the contrary, I am hoping for an increase in my Performance Sport budget.’ Another cash injection could be just what Newcastle University sport needs to keep up with their top tier rivals and regain a spot among the university sporting elite. With facilities at Newcastle constantly improving, particularly with the revamp

RIVERSIDE, SANGAKKARA Durham season preview p. 38+39

HUMILIATING SPORTING DEFEATS p.36+37

Overall table for BUCS university sport 2013/14. Image: bucs.org

Photography: Getty