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Chapter One
Outofnowhere,anambulancecamebarrelingaroundthecornerwithlightsflashingandsirensblaring,justasIwasaboutto turn into the parking lot at St. John’s Medical Center. I jerked the wheel, narrowly avoiding a collision. Shaken but unscathed,Ipulledintotheparkinglotonthecornerof19thandJ,thencuttheengine
A cool rain fell relentlessly against my windshield while I sat in my car across from the entrance to the emergency department Streetlightsfoughtagainstthedarknesstoilluminatethearea,creatinghalosoflightinthemistyair
WhenI’dcomehereformyformalinterviewafewweeksago,findingparkinghadbeenanightmare.Thankfully,tonight,the stafflothadplentyofopenspaces.AsIbracedmyselfforthenightshift,theknotinmystomachtightened.Ihatedtoadmitit, butIwasabitnervous.ProbablynotforthereasonsIshouldhavebeen,butnevertheless,Iwas.Andthiswasn’tthetypical new-job jittersorworryaboutbeinglate.No,instead,mymindfixatedonsomethingfarmoremundane thevulnerabilityof mycarinthisdimlylit,unprotectedparkinglot
Therewasnosecurityguardinsight.Thiscarwasn’tmuch,butitwasallIhad.Dealingwithabreak-inorhavingtofixa shatteredwindowwasthelastthingIneeded I’dpurchasedthisusedGTIthankstothemoneyIsavedontuitionafterreceiving a scholarshipfor nursingschool.Ithadtakennearlyall the funds I’dsavedfromworkingatthe hospital too,butIlovedthe littleblackbeauty stickshiftandall.Thisrattythinghadgivenmefreedomforthefirsttime…freedomtomoveawayfrom Aberdeen.Strangelyenough,Iwasmoreconcernedaboutmycargettingvandalizedthanwhatawaitedmeacrossthestreet. Iwasfifteenminutesearlyandhadalreadyseenthreeambulancespulluptotheemergencybay.Itwasclearthattodaywas ourturntotakeonthecity’sworstcases InTacoma,St John’sandTacomaGeneral,bothLevelIITraumaCenters,alternated handlingtheseintensedays.Bythelookofit,myfirstshiftwasgoingtostartoffwithabang.
As I sat there in my car gathering the courage to head into the hospital, I reminded myself that the high-speed pace and medicalchallengesoftheEDwere,infact,whathaddrawnmetowardthischoice. Iglanceddownatthedashboard.Theclockread17:49.Myshiftwouldstartat18:00.Athrillofexcitementsurgedthrough me while butterflies flutteredchaoticallyinmystomach “Youaskedfor this,” Iwhispered,takinga deepbreathtorallymy courageasIremovedmykeysfromtheignition.Idouble-checkedthatIhadmyessentialsbeforeIexitedthecar:stethoscope, traumashears,atleastfourpens,mylunch whichhopefullyIwouldgetachancetoeat andmywit JustasIsteppedoutof thecarandlockedit,anotherambulancescreamedintothebay.“Ohboy,”Imutteredundermybreath,“thisisgoingtobeashit show”
My fingers instinctively wrapped around the end of my braided ponytail that kept my long, curly red hair in check as I crossedthestreet.Thestylewaspractical,no-nonsense muchliketherestofmylife.
Thiswasit,thebigleagues.AchancetoprovemyselfasanewlymintedCEN.Ihadalwaysbeenthetypetotakecharge,to pushthroughhardshipsandchallenges,andtonightwouldbenodifferent.Theconstantwhirlofactivity,thesirens,theurgency itwasallhere,andIwasreadyforit Readytofacethechaos,readytomakeadifference
With a deep breath, I pushed open the doors to the emergency department, stepping into a world where every second counted,wheremyskillsandmydecisionscouldsavelives
WhenIbadgedintothebreakroom,aseaofunknownfacesstaredbackatme,eachdisplayingthewearinesstypicalofthis job I glanced around, taking in the unfamiliar surroundings of my new workplace The shift was just about to begin, and everyonealreadylookedliketheydidn’twanttobehere.Welcometothenightshift.
The charge nurse entered, clipboard inhand, a clear signal thatthe pre-shiftbriefingwas aboutto start. “Let’s make this quick We’reswampedbecauseofthewreckat509andPacific,”shesaid BoardroundswereafamiliarroutinefrommytimeinAberdeen,buthere,inthislargerhospital,thestakesseemedhigher. As I focused on what the charge nurse was sharing with us, nervous energy gripped me The rapid arrival of ambulances momentsearlierindicatedthatmanydauntingtaskslayaheadthisevening.
Afterfinishingherbriefing,thechargenursepausedbrieflyandsaid,“Everyone,meetournewstaffnurse”Shegesturedin my direction. “This is Samantha Sheridan, joining us from the Emergency Department at Harbor Regional Health in… Aberdeen,wasit?”
“Yes,ma’am,”Irepliedwithasmileonmyface,forcingmyselftorememberthatIwasthenewkidontheblock Atwingeofawkwardnessmademycheeksheat.Theskeptical,almostpityinglookseveryonenowgavemewereirritating.I couldalmostheartheirthoughts:“This girl is going to be eaten alive at a hospital like this ”Well,Iwasmorethanreadyto provethemwrong.Icouldn’twaittoshowthemIbelongedhere.
The charge nurse movedon,outliningthe night’s currentcaseloadanddolingoutour assignments.She remindedus itwas trauma day. Whenthe briefingwrapped up, a surge of adrenaline shot up myspine, and I headed toward the triage area. I remembered what Steven, the hiring manager, had warned me about night shifts at St. John’s. “Expect to hit the ground running from the get-go,”hehadsaid Andboy,hehadn’tbeenexaggerating
When I rounded the corner, I found the scene was mostly as I’d expected. Nurses were attending to the first three ambulances,their actions routine andmeasured Butitwas the frantic activitysurroundingthe lastambulance thatseizedmy attention.Asfatewouldhaveit,insidethatambulancewastheverypatientIhadbeenassignedto.
Theshoutingseemedtobegettinglouder,andwitheachstepItook,thecommotionincreased.Itriedtospotthenursewho wassupposedtogivemetheshiftreport,butwasn’tsurewhichoneshewas.ThechargenursehadtoldmetolookforBethany Raines, sayingshe’d have darkbrownhair tied backina ponytail and thatshe was a dead ringer for Alice Braga. She was probablyrightinthethickofthings IneededtogetclosertoseeifIcouldspother
BeforeIcouldreachthetriagearea,additionalmedicalstafffloodedintothearea,securityofficersintow.Thiscombination signaledtrouble Oneofmynewcoworkerswasholdingalittleblackcase thatwasn’tgood Atmyoldhospital,thoseblack casesheldlockingrestraintsforcombativepatients.Iwasn’tafanofusingthem,butitbeatgettingpunchedorkicked.Ifthey werealreadyhavingtoresorttorestrictivemeasureslikethis,itwasgoingtobealong,hardshift.Thetensionintheairwas almosttangible,andmyheartrateacceleratedastheymovedthepatientintoatraumaroom ThiswastherealityofaLevelII TraumaCenter unpredictable,unyielding.Andthiswasmynewnormal.
Isteeledmyself “Allright,Sam,nobackingdownnow,”Imutteredundermybreath Mypast,riddledwithitsownkindof chaosandpain,hadpreparedmeforthismoment.Thehardworking,determinedpartofmewasraringtogo,evenasawaveof apprehensiontightenedmystomachatfacingthisnewlevelofencounter
Fromthethresholdofthedoorway,Iwatchedtherapid-fireactivityunfolding.Theroomresonatedwiththesoundsofshrill, rhythmicbeepingfrommonitorsandthescufflingsqueaksofshoesmovingacrossthevinylfloor.Sixdeterminedhospitalstaff encircledthepatient,whowasthrashingwildlyonthegurney,hismovementspunctuatedbyviolent,angryscreams Onenurse pressedherhandsfirmlyaroundhisneck,tryingtoholdhiscervicalspineinalignment.Besideher,twotechsappliedpressure onhiswristsandshoulders Atthesametime,twosecurityofficershelddownhislegs,applyingpressurerightabovetheknees andfeet.Anotherofficerputlockingrestraintsaroundthepatient’swristsandthenmovedtosecurehisankles.
Oneofthesecurityofficershissed,“Doyouwantthecheststrap,Doc?”
Thedoctor,whohadjustbrushedpastmeasifIwasn’tthere,respondedwithcrispself-assurance,“Holdoffonituntilwe cangetagoodlookathistorsoforanyvisibletrauma.”
Finally,IspottedthenursewhoIwouldberelieving Iheadedtowardher Evenwithhermaskon,shedid,indeed,resemble AliceBraga.
Thepatientreekedofalcohol Istoppeddeadinmytracksasthesmellsentashudderthroughmybody Thefamiliarscent triggeredterriblememoriesoftheonlyotherpersonIhadeverknowntohavethiskindofpungency myfather.Forthesmell tobethisstrong,themanmusthavehadalottodrink.Ishookmyhead,snappingmyselfbacktothesituationathand.Assoon asIsteppedupnexttothenurse,thedoctorbarkedanorderatme.
“WeneedaCTscan,stat,butthere’snowaythispatientisgoingtoholdstill,sowe’llneedasedativetoknockhimout.”He
pointedafingeratmeasifIhadsomeAtivanorpropofoljustsittinginmypocket.
Myeyebrowsshotup,andthepharmaciststandingbythedoorsaid,“Don’tworryaboutthemedication.Igotthat.Yougoput theorderinforthescan”
Afterplacingtheorder,Ireturnedtothenurseattheheadofthebed,andshebegantoupdatemeonthepatient.
“This guy arrived by ambulance following reports of a collision Evidently, he ran a red light and T-boned a minivan crossingtheintersectionof509andPacific,whichcausedanothercartoswerveandcrashintoautilitypole.Thiswasabad one” She paused “I’msorry, I haven’t evengottenyour name yet Youwalked straight into a mess” The side of her jaw clenched.
“It’sSam,”Itoldher.“Andyournameis…”
“It’sBethany,”shesaid,glancingatme “Well,Sam,thevehiclehehithadamotherandthreechildreninit Whenpoliceand firearrivedatthescene,theyfoundthemother desperatelyclingingtoher littlegirl,screamingfor helpwhileher other two kidswerestillinthevan Theyfoundthetwoboysdeceasedonthescene Whentheybroughtherhere,shewassemiconscious Theytook the little girl, who was in critical condition, to St. Mary's Children’s Hospital just up the road. They lined this patientinthefield,sowewereabletodrawbloodrightaway We’rewaitingtoseewhathisbloodalcohollevelis,butIhave nodoubtthatit’shigh.”
I was trying my best to focus on her full report, but the lingering memories of that night the one that had irrevocably changedmylife rushedtotheforefrontofmythoughtslikeadarkwraith “Iseverythingokay?”Bethanyasked,concernsettlinginherbrow.“You’returningalittlepale,andthelastthingweneedis anotherpatientinthedepartment”
“I’mokay.This…isoneofthosecasesthat’shittingalittleclosetohome.”Iplasteredonasoft,professionalsmileanddug mynailsintothepalmsofmyhandstoforcethedarkmemoriestorecede.“Don’tworry.I’mgood.”
WhileIlistenedtotherestofherreport,Iforcedmyselftoslowmybreathing.Whenworkingintheemergencydepartment,I hadonerule nottogettooinvestedinmypatients,nomatterhowtheyaffectedme,goodorbad.Sure,Icaredaboutthem,but ifIallowedmyemotions togetinvolved,itcouldbedetrimental totheir care Itwas better tokeepaprofessional distance
Caringforthismanwasgoingtobedifficultbecauseofthehorrificpainhisactionshadcausedinnocentpeople.Hewouldbe achallenge,forcingmetoconfrontmyethicalboundaries
ButIwasduty-boundtocareforhim,evenifhewasapieceofshit,somuchlikemyfather.
GivingBethanyasidelongglance,Iarchedaneyebrowandasked,“Wanttoplaceabet?ClosesttoguesshisEtOH,andthe loserbuyscoffee.”
Theleftcornerofhermouthrose.“Ithinkyou’regoingtofitinjustfinehere,andI’lltakethatbet.I’llgowithasolidthreefifty”
Thedoctorrushedpastmeonceagain,thistimehittingmyshoulderhardenoughtospinmearound.Inaflash,hewasgone, noapologiesoffered
Bethanychuckledandsaidunderherbreath,“Don’ttakeDr.Thorin’srudenesspersonally.He’slikethattoeveryone.”
OncewegotMister CharmingsituatedandsenttoCTfor his brainscan,Bethanybriefedmeonthetwoother patients I’d beenassignedsofartonight ThankGodtheyweren’tincriticalcondition “IsuspectthatguywejustmovedtoCTis goingtobeahandful,soifhegets outofline,justremember tocall security,” Bethanysaid,thenpaused “Wedon’tneedanewnursegettingassaultedbysomedrunk” Lookingatherwithahalfsmile,Iassuredher,“JustbecauseI’mnew here doesn’tmeanI’ma new nurse.”ThelastthingI wantedwasforsomeonetogetthewrongideaaboutmebeinganinexperienced“baby”nursefromasmalltown Iknewhow tohandlemyown.
“Sassyand pretty…IhopeyouknowImeantnothingbythe‘newnurse’comment,”Bethanysaid,nudgingmeplayfullywith herelbow “AndasmuchasIwouldlovetostayandseewhattheEtOHresultisforthatguy,I’mfuckingexhausted It’sbeena longdayforme.Ihaveahotshower,abottleofwine,andsome Outlander waitingformewhenIgethome.”
Idecidedtotreatour betliketheydidon The Price is Right “Sounds good, and I’ll guess three hundred fifty-one for the patient’sbloodalcohollevel.”Ifiguredthiswouldgivemeafifty-fiftychanceofwinning.I’dspentenoughtimewatchingthat sillygameshowtoknowthatthiswasasolidstrategy
Bethanythrew meascowl hardenoughtomakemycheeks heat.“You’rereallygoingto Price is Right me like that?” she asked.
“Sorry,Bethany,butIliketowin”
Sheshookherheadindisbelief,butherscowlcrackedintoasmile.
“All right, all right You’d better be honestaboutthe testresultwhenitfinallycomes in Obviously, we don’twantany HIPAAviolations,sodon’tgotextingmewhatitcamebackat,butI’mgoingtogoaheadandgiveyoumynumberbecause… well,IguessIlikeyou.”
AsBethanywalkedaway,asenseofreliefliftedmyspirits.IwasprettysureI’djustmadeanewfriend.
Itwasn’tlongbeforethepatientwaswheeledbackfromCTinafrenziedstate,ruiningtheupbeatvibeI’djustestablished
withBethany. Whydid myfirst shifthave to start like this, withsucha violentand out-of-control drunk? Iwalked into the man’sroomandaskedthesecurityofficersiftheyknewwhathadhappenedduringthescan.Normally,Iwouldhavereceiveda callifsomethingunusualwasgoingonwithapatient “HegrabbedtheCTtechandspitather,”oneoftheofficerssaid. Well,thatexplainedwhythepatientwasnowwearingaspithood
Thatkindofbehaviordidn’tshockme.I’dbeenaroundenoughragingdrunkstoknowtheycoulddojustaboutanythingwhen inebriated “Doweknowiftheycompletedthescan?”Iasked
The ED techwho had accompanied the mansaid, “He didn’t evenmake it into the scanner before spittingat her, which forcedustopullhimoutofthererealquick.”
Movingclosertotheedgeofthepatient’sbed,Igentlybutfirmlyrestedmyhandonhisshoulder Imighthavebeencalmon theoutside,butontheinside,turmoilragedwithinmelikewildfire.Inmymostcomposednurse’svoice,Isaid,“Sir,it’svery importantthatwecompletetheCTscan You’vebeeninacaraccident,andweneedtocheckforanybraininjuries I’llspeak withthedoctoraboutpossiblygivingyousomethingmoretohelpyourelax,butI’mgoingtoneedyourcooperation.”
His response was a vehement “Fuck you!” followed by an attempt to spit at me I gasped, grateful for the spit hood’s protection.Myhanddroppedfromhisshoulder,andIsteppedback.Inaninstant,despitehisrestraints,hemanagedtolatchhis fingersaroundmywrist,twistingitroughlyanddigginghisnailsintomyskin.“I’llkillyou,youlittlebitch!”
Thesecurityguardwasonhiminasplitsecond,squeezingthetendonsofhiswrist,weakeninghisholdjustenoughformeto yankmyarmfromhisfingers.
Turningmyfacefromthoseintheroom,Ileaneddownandgraspedmykneesfor support Hiswordsreverberatedagainst myskull. Darkness fringed myvisionas a memoryofsomeone else sayingthose same words haunted me. Iexhaled slowly, regainingasemblanceofcomposureamidthecommotion.
“I’ll be rightback,” Ibarked atthe securityofficers. “Ineed to take care ofmywristwhere his nails duginto myskin.” Fleeingtoanadjacentroom,Icleanedmywristwithanantisepticwash.Luckily,hehadn’tbrokentheskin.Isureashelldidn’t wanttohavetoreportaninjuryincidentanddealwithallthemedicalevaluationsandfollow-ups
ItookafewminutestocalmdownandshovehiswordsintothelockedboxwithinmymindwhereIkeptsomanyotherdark memories
No,thisdefinitelywasnotagoodfirstday.
WhenIreturnedtothedrunkenman’sroom,weadministeredmoremedicationandwerefinallyabletosubduehimenoughto gethimbacktoCTforasuccessfulscan.Thistime,Iaccompaniedthepatientalongsidesecurity,carryingextramedicationin casehebecamecombativeagain.Somepeoplehadanextremelyhightoleranceforsedatives.
Once we had the monster back in his room and settled, I checked on my other patients to see how they were doing Thankfully,theircaseswerelesscomplicated.Oneofthepatientshadjammedhistoeprettybadlybykickingabedpostonhis waytothe bathroom We were waitingfor the X-rayresults todetermine ifthere was a fracture The other patienthadbeen sufferingfromanupsetstomachsince lastnight.We still neededtocheckthe results ofher bloodwork,butshe wouldmost likelyreceiveaGIcocktailshortly.First,though,Ineededtoperformanoralchallengetoensureshewouldbeabletokeepit down,becauseshehadreportedthreeepisodesofvomitingoverthelasttwenty-fourhours Sincetheseresultsweregoingto takesometime,InotifiedmychargenursethateveryonewastuckedinandthatIwouldbegoingonbreak.
WhenIenteredthebreakroom,Iwasrelievedtofinditempty Thespacewasmodestinsizeanddesignedforfunction The walls,paintedasoothingshadeofpaleyellow,hadaneclecticmixofmotivationalpostersandfunnyhand-drawnillustrations thatmade me laughdespite this hellishfirstshift Contributions fromvarious staffmembers, Iguessed Inone corner ofthe roomstooda large whiteboardfilledwithshiftschedules andimportantannouncements.Atthe bottomwas a playful doodle leftbysomeoneseekingtolightenthemood.
As Imilled around the well-lived-inspace, Ireflexivelyrolled myshoulders to relieve the tensionthat never seemed to leave.Inthemiddleoftheroomsatalong,sturdytablesurroundedbymismatchedchairs.Alongonewall therewasasmall kitchenette area, equipped with a microwave that had seen better days, a coffee machine that had to be the lifeline of the department,andarefrigeratorstuffedwithquickmealsandenergydrinks.
Thefarendoftheroomhousedacoupleofwornbutcomfortable-lookingcouches,flankedbyasmallbookshelffilledwith anoddassortmentofmedical journals,outdatedmagazines,andafew well-thumbednovels.Sittingontopofanissueofthe Journal of Hematology &Oncology wasamedicalromancebookwithaDr.McDreamyonthecover.Onlyinahospitalbreak roomwouldthatbenormal
The silence was a welcome change, consideringhow this shift had started. But just as I was grabbingmyfood fromthe fridge, I heard the door openbehind me I couldn’t stop myself fromlettingout a soft, audible sigh “So muchfor a quiet break,”Imumbled.
Withmylunchbagandbottleofwaterinhand,Iturnedaroundandsmackedrightintoasolidfigure.Theimpactsentthebag tumblingfrommyhands. Standingbefore me was the same doctor who had beenbarkingorders atme earlier. His presence dominatedthesmallroomjustlikeithadthetraumaroom.Hisairofindifferencemadeitevenmoreimpossiblenottonotice
him.Hedidn’tevenflinchorapologize;hemerelystraightenedhiscoatasifIweretheonewhohadintrudedintohispersonal space.
“Hello,”Imanagedtosqueakout,musteringpolitenessdespitehisrudeness AsIbentdowntoretrievemylunch,Irealized myfacewasinchesawayfromhiscrotchandjumpedbackintoastandingposition,nearlylaunchingthebagacrosstheroom.
“Youmustbenewhere,”herespondedinadismissivetone,hiseyesscanningtheroomratherthanfocusingonme Itriedmybestnottobeasmart-assbutcouldn’tresist.“Andyoumusthaveforgottenwhattheytaughtyouinyourmanners classatdoctor’sschool Normally,whenyourunintosomeone,youapologize,or ifsomeonesayshello,yousayhi back,”I said,mygrinathinveilhidingmyannoyance.
He shot back, “I must have missed that class in what did youcall it doctor’s school? I thinkI was too busylearning lifesavingprocedurestoattendthatone”
“Ah,solifesavingtrumpsbasichumaninteraction?I’llmakeanoteofthatinmyCommon Sense for Doctors handbook.”
Hechuckled,somethingIimaginedherarelydid “Common Sense for Doctors?Now,that’sabookIwanttoread Didyou writeitduringyour How to Survive Encounters with Arrogant Doctors nursingclass?”
Ilaughed,raisingmychin “It’sapersonalprojectthatI’mstillworkingon YourtypeisactuallydiscussedinChapterOne: ‘HowtoIdentifyaDoctorwithanOverinflatedEgo.’”
Hesmirkedandeyedmecuriouslyforamoment.“I’mhonoredtobeyourmuse.Buttellme,doesChapterTwocover‘How toCharmSaidDoctors’?”
“Onlyintheappendix,”Ireplied,spinningaroundinanattempttohidemyflushedface.Iheadedtothetable.“It’sashort reference”
Ifoundaseatandploppedmylunchbagdownontothetable,embarrassedyetoddlyintriguedbythesharpexchange.AsI satthere,tryingtosteadymyrattlednerves,Dr.Thorin’svoicelingeredinmyears.Deepandresonant,thetimbrehadflowed downmyspineandintomymostintimateplaces.Ithadapanty-meltingqualitythatwasimpossibletoignore.Ifoundmyself thinkingabsurdlythathecouldreadthedictionaryaloud,andIwouldbeutterlyenraptured,hangingoneverysyllable.Damn, hisvoicealonewasauditoryerotica,sendingathrillthroughmethatwasbothunexpectedandunsettling
Famishedandflustered,Isavagelyrummagedthroughmyfood.
“Didyoubringanythinggoodtonight?”heaskedinamuffledvoice
WhenIglancedback,Igulpedatthesightofhismuscularass.Hewasbentover,withhisheadstuckinthefridge.And,oh myGod,whatamagnificentassitwas.NearlychokingasIsalivated,Icoughedout,“Whatwasthat?”
Witha meal-prep container inhand, he pulled his head out of the fridge and asked again, “Did youbringanythinggood tonight?” Ihadn’tnoticed before, buthe was tall and ruggedlyhandsome. Whenhe stood upright, his head towered over the fridge,andthefirstthoughtthatpoppedintomyheadwas, I would climb him like a tree
Shakingoffthatimage,Ireachedintomylunchbagandpulledoutanoven-roastedturkeysandwich,abagofchips,andan apple Witha shrug, Ilifted mysandwichinto the air, almostas ifIwas offeringhima bite, and said, “Ihave a ‘sammich,’ chips,andanapple.”
Herolledhiseyesandgavemeanexasperatedsigh.IimmediatelywonderedifIhadsaidsomethingstupid.DidhethinkI wasactuallyofferinghimmyfood? Was Iofferinghimmyfood?WhatthehellwasIdoingwithmyhands?
“Whatdidyoucallit?”heaskedinatonesomewherebetweensarcasticandgenuinelycurious.
“Asam-mitch,” Ipronounced,emphasizingeachsyllable “It’s whatmymother usedtocall themwhenIwas younger It’s justastupidwordthatkindofstuckwithme.”
“AndyournameisSam,”henoted,moreasastatementthanaquestion Iliftedoneeyebrow.Itpuzzledmeastohowheknewmyname.IwassureIhadn’tmentionedityet.
“Youhavealookofconfusiononyour face.You’reprobablywonderinghow Iknow your name,”hesaidsmugly,pausing longenoughtoletmybraincatchup “It’sonyourbadge”
HowstupidcouldIlookinfrontofthisman?Isnappedmyheaddown.“Ohyeah,Iforgotaboutthat.It’sactuallySamantha, butIgobySamforshort”
“Lookingforwardtothenextchapter,Sammich.”
Didhejustcallme Sammich?
Before Icould evenraise myhead and respond, he’d leftthe breakroom. Dumbfounded, Iremembered Ionlyhad a few moreminutesonbreakandneededtoeat.TherewasnotellingwhenI’dgetanotherchance.Thewholepointoftakingabreak wastostufffoodintoyourmouthasquicklyaspossiblebecauseyouneverknewifyou’dgetanotheropportunityduringyour shift.AsIgobbleddownmysandwich,Imulledoverwhathadhappenedtomeinthelastfewhours.Mymindkeptreturningto thedrunkenpatientwhohadunsettlinglyremindedmeofmyassholefatherandallthoseyearsIhadspentlivinginanightmare AndIwassurprisedbytheunnervingfeelingsthathadbeenstirredbythisman,thisdoctor,whohadgonefrombarkingorders atmetocallingmeSammich.
Despitehis standoffishnature,hepossessedanundeniablecharm,akindofrough,untamedallurethatwas hardtoignore. His scruffy salt-and-pepper beard that subtlyhinted at his age was a strikingcontrast to his curly, dark brownhair. In the
fluorescentlightingofthe breakroom, his eyes had appeared almostgray. While his smoothbronze skinsuggested he spent time outdoors, his clinical demeanor suggested otherwise. Remarkably, his face was devoid of wrinkles, likelya result of rarelysmiling Ichuckledatthethought Itwasasifwithhisaloofattitudehewaschallengingtheworldtotakehimashewas, withoutanypretense or effortto conform. Althoughhe came offas a jerk, there was somethingintriguing, albeitfrustrating, abouthim Whywereallthehotonessucharrogantassholes?
Iboltedupright,myheartracing.Thebeatsechoedinmyears,makingmefeellikeafrantic,trappedanimal,asifIwerestill runninginmynightmare Sweatbeadedonmyforeheadastheremnantsofthedreamflickeredthroughmymind Reachingup,I clutchedatmychest.Itwasthesamedreamthathadhauntedmesincechildhood.
Italwaysstartedthesameway,withthesickeningstenchofbourbonandtheslurredshoutsofmyfather echoingdownthe hallwaytomyroom.Thedarkness ofthenightwouldthenenvelopmeas Iran,drivenbysheer desperation.Behindme,my father’svoicewouldthunder,hisdrunkenfurythedrivingforcebehindmyterror.Hisfingers,callousedandunyielding,grazed theendsofmyhair,butIwastooquick,dartingoutofhisreachandsprintingtowardthesafetyofthewoodsbehindourhouse
Inmydream, as inmydistantreality, the nightwas myally, guidingme alonga moonlitpath. Imaneuvered throughthick brambles,branchescatchingonmyclothesasIwoveinandoutofthedenseunderbrush Iknewthesewoodslikethebackof myhand.Everyrootandrockwasafamiliarlandmarkinmyescape.Justaheadlaymysecretbox,besidethegnarled,oldoak tree. Itwas myshelter, a place where the shadows swallowed me whole, somewhere Icould be awayfromhis intoxicated rage.
Mybreathcameinshort,sharpgasps,mistinginthechillynightair.LeavescrunchedbeneathmyfeetasItriedtotuneoutmy father’sdistant,muffledcurses
IfIjustkeptrunning,ifIcouldreachmysecretsanctuary,Iwouldbesafe.Safeuntil thealcohol claimedhim,lullinghim intosuchastuporthathewouldforgethisowndaughter,forgetthechase,forgettheviolencethatlurkedinhisfists
Idoveintomyhidingspot.Myheartpoundedinmyears,arelentlessdrummingthatseemedtoricochetoffthesidesofthe box.Ipulledmykneestomychest,wrappingmyarmsaroundthemandtryingtomakemyselfassmallaspossible.Suddenly, theforestfellsilent,asifitwasholdingitsbreath.AndIknewIwasaloneagain.Ihadmasteredtheartofevasion.AllIhadto dowasrunfastandhidewell,andthemanwhoshouldhavebeenmyprotectorcouldn’tcatchme.
Butthe nightmare didn’tend there Todayitseemed to clingto me, the remnants ofterror engulfingme like a suffocating shadow.Igaspedforair,apanicattackclawingitswayupmythroat.Mypulseracedwithawild,uncontrollablerhythmthat threatenedtoclaimmyabilitytobreathe
Iwasnolongerthatlittlegirl inthewoods,butthefear,thesenseofhelplessness,wasasreal asithadbeenbackthen.It wasareminderofwhereI’dcomefrom,ofthedemonsIcarriedwithinme.
Strugglingfor air, I stumbled out of bed, searchingmysmall one-bedroomapartment for something, anything, to help me breathe.Mybedroomofferednorelief,soIstaggeredintothekitchen,mychestheaving.There,Ifoundapaperbag.Clutching itaroundmymouth,Iinhaledandexhaled,tryingtosteadytherapidriseandfallofmychest
“Janie,mytherapist,”Imutteredtomyself,“focusonwhatshetaughtyou,Sam.”Iclosedmyeyes,forcingmyselftorecall mytherapist’swords,thestrategiesshe’dtaughtmeformanagingthesecripplingepisodes ShouldIcallher?Ithadbeenages sinceapanicattackhadhitmethishard.Butthen,todayhadn’tbeenjustanyday. IfIhadanyhopeofgettingthroughthis,Ineededtousethemindfulnesstechniquesshe’dtaughtme. Hurriedly,Iscannedmyapartmenttofindfive things Icouldsee Twobananas onthe counter,a stackofflattenedmoving boxesinthecenterofthelivingroom,myfavoritebooksittingontheendtable,myclogsbythefrontdoor,andmykeysonthe table Next,fourthingsIcouldtouch Ifoundthesaltshaker,themailI’dbeenignoringonthetable,thefuzzyblanketcrumpled onthesofa,andthelockofhairIalwaystwistedaroundmyfinger.“Comeon,focus,Sam,”Imurmuredtomyself,continuingto press the bag over my mouth and nose Then I sought to find three things I could hear A slow drip from the faucet, my neighbor’sTV,andadogbarkinginthedistance.Now,twothingsIcouldsmell.Alavender double-wickcandleandahalfemptybagofcoffee.Andlast,oneIcouldtaste.TheboxofCap’nCrunchonthecounter.Iletthepaperbagfallfrommylips asthepanicreceded,thenglancedaroundtheroomagain
Nestledinarundownbuildinginaless-than-desirableneighborhood,myapartmentwasasmallhavenIhadcarvedoutfor myself The walls, once dull and peeling, now boasted a fresh coat of cheerful yellow paint It was a color that always managedtoliftmyspirits.Despitetheunit’smodestsize,Ihadbeenabletoarrangethespacetofeelcozyandwelcoming.A
new sofa, adorned with bright throw pillows, occupied one corner of the living room, facing a small TV that sat on a secondhand stand. The single bedroomwas cramped, but I kept it tidy. Every itemin this apartment, fromthe thrift-store curtainstothepottedplantsonthewindowsill,wasatestamenttomyindependence Itwasn’tmuch,butitwasmine asmall sanctuarywhereIwasrebuildingmylife,onedayatatime.Soonenough,mynew job,as challengingas itmightbe,would earnmeagoodliving,andI’dfindabetterplace
Takinganothershakybreath,Isteadiedmyselfagainstthecounterasmymind,traitorousasitwas,flickeredbacktomyfirst dayatSt John’s Hospital Over and over, itreplayed the darkimage ofa drunkman mypatient slamminghis car into a minivan, killing two young children and seriously harming a third. Although I hadn’t seen the accident, I’d witnessed the aftermath,thelivestornapart.Thedistraughtmotherhadarrivedatthehospitalcoveredinamixtureofherownbloodandthat ofherdaughter Heranguishedscreamsasshewastoldaboutthelossofthetwolittleboyshadshatteredmyheart Irubbedmy wristwherephantomnailsdugintomyskin.Thedrunkman’sfacehauntedme,conjuringupmemoriesofmyfatherpullingout ontotheroadandswervingatthelastsecondbutstillslammingintothesideofanSUV
Thiswasmyrealitynow.SavinglivesanddealingwithlosswaswhatIhadchosen,whatIhadworkedsohardfor.Iwas determined to make mylife count, particularlywhenthings were tough, unlike the abusive father I had and unlike the kind motherI’dnevertrulyknown.
“Thisisyourpath,Sam,”Iwhisperedtomyself.“You’reheretomakeadifference,tofightforthosewhocan’t.”Andwith thatthought,Ifoundasliverofpeace
Throwingthe paper baginthe garbage canbeneaththe sink, I pulled a glass fromthe cabinet, got a drinkof water, and returned to bed Ineeded to sleep and be rested for the dayahead Itwas partofthe job IfImade a mistake, Icould kill someone. Inthe oftenchaotic turmoil of the ED, I had to be mybest, stayincontrol, and politelymanage the thousands of demandsthatcamemyway.
Chapter Two
AsIwalkedintoSt.John’sHospital,whereI’dspentmorethanthelastdecadeofmylifeasanEDdoc,afamiliarsenseof frustrationwashedover me.Iwasthirty-nine,teeteringontheedgeofforty,andtheweightofmyyearsinmedicinewas bearingdownonme Eachstepthroughthehospitalseemedheavierthanthelast HereIwas,startingthesecondnightofmy monthlynightshiftrotation, questioningeverydecisionthathad led me to this point. Had itall beenworthit? The constant grind,thenever-endingstreamofpatients,thebattleswithbureaucracy itallseemedtoblendintoamonotonousrhythmthat leftme more discouraged and exhausted witheachdaythatpassed. The prospectofturningfortyonlyamplified myinternal crisis.Was this relentless cycle ofnightshifts andemergencymedicine all there was tomylife? Hadmypassionfor saving livesbeenburiedunderamountainofdisillusionmentandfatigue?Thesethoughtsswirledthroughmymind,astormyprelude toanotherlongnight.
Another thingI was tired of was the fuckingincompetence inthis department Relativelyspeaking, we did the same shit every single day. There was a routine to it. Routine provided structure. Structure reduced error. Reduction in error theoreticallyledtopositivepatientoutcomes Thatwaswhatweweresupposedtobedoing,right?Savinglives?Wasn’tthat whywetooktheHippocraticoath?To do no harm?
Isettledintoachairinfrontofacomputeratoneoftheclinicalworkstationsandtypedinmycredentials.Iftherewereten moreofmeinthisdepartment,wewouldneverhaveissues.Butinstead,Ihadnurseswhoseemedlikethey’djustgottenoutof diapersanddoctorssooldIfearedtheymightturntodustifIbreathedonthemtoohard.
Thechangetothenightshifthadbroughtmenothingbutheadaches,frustration,andtheonsetofanewtwitchinthecornerof myrighteye.MycoworkersalreadythoughtIwasanasshole;addingatwitchwasprobablygoingtomakemeseemevenmore unapproachable Not that being an unapproachable asshole was necessarily a bad thing, especially when it kept the most annoyingpeople away. Rewind a few years, and ithad beena differentstory. WhenI’d firststarted practicing, I’d enjoyed helpingpeople and teachingmypeers. Now, Ifuckinghated it whennurses asked me stupid questions. Mymedical degree wasn’tmeanttobeusedastheirpersonalGooglesearch Ievenfoundmyselfscoffingatnewdoctorswhoputineveryfucking orderthatexistedbecausetheycouldn’tusetheirbrainstofigureoutwhattheproblemwasontheirown.
Ibegantoscrollthroughthecurrentpatientload,butmyminddrifted Therewasoneupsidefortonight Bethany Sheworkedaswingshiftsometimes,sotonightIwouldhavesomeoneIcouldrelyonforafewhoursatleast.Shewasone ofthebestnursesinthedepartment AlthoughIwasalittleworriedthatshemightstillbeupsetwithmeforwhathadhappened betweenusayearago,shedidadamngoodjobofkeepingthingsprofessional whileweworkedtogether,andIappreciated that.
There weren’t any formal policies against dating coworkers. The hospital’s administration might have frowned upon workplacerelationships,butI’dneverletthatkindofbureaucraticbullshitstopmebefore.Still,afterBethany,I’dswornoff goingoutwithanyoneatSt John’s Ididn’tneedthepossiblehassle Atleastshe’dbeencoolaboutourshort-livedtryst Leaningbackandclaspingmyhandsbehindmyhead,IpretendedtostudytheinformationonthescreenwhileIthoughtabout the new nurse I’d runinto inthe breakroomlastnight She had entered the EDwithbright-eyed enthusiasm And while the violent drunk responsible for the horrific wreck had caused everyone in the department trouble, she’d seemed undeterred, almostenergizedbyitall Hereagernesstodiveintothefray,aswellashercuriosityabouteverydetailofthechaoticscene, remindedmeofmyearlydays.Backthen,theadrenalinerushoflife-and-deathsituationsandmyraw passionforemergency medicine were what drove me. I missed the days when my career had been more than just a series of procedures and systematicdecisions,wheneachshifthadbroughtthethrilloftheunknown
I’dalreadyfuckedupbygivingthenewnurseanickname,whichtoldmetherewassomethingaboutherthatIwasattracted to Therewasafreshnessabouther,asortofvibrantenergythatwashardtoignore Shehadgorgeous,long,curlyredhairthat wouldstandoutinanyroom,andher skinwas pale,amilkywhite.There was a scatteringoffreckles across her nose.And thosefreckles,somethingaboutthemwasjust hot Shewasdefinitelyeasyontheeyes,andIcaughtmyselfwantingtoknow more about her. Maybe this would be another positive thingabout rotatingto nights? Despite her sassynature, it had been refreshing to have someone speak to me as if I was just another coworker and not tiptoe around because of my hardass reputation
“DoctorThorin,iseverythingokay?”awomansaidfrombehindme.“You’vebeenstaringblanklyatyourcomputerscreen forthelastthreeminutes Ifyouneedmoretimetogetsettledbeforeweperformthereductiononthepatientinroomeighteen, letmeknow.”
Isnappedoutofmyreverieandlookeduptofindthatitwasher,thenursefromthebreakroom.Droppingmyhandstomy lap,Ispunthechairaroundtofaceher.
“Hello, Sammich.Iwasn’tawareyou’dbegracingtheEDwithyourpresencetonight.”
As expected, her cheeks flushed red, and her ocean-blue eyes disappeared behind a squintinreactionto mydeliberately provocativetone.Herarchedeyebrowandfrownmadeitclearshewasn’tamused,whichprovidedmewithacertaindelight. With a grace that belied her agitation, she straightened up, and countered icily, “So you’re sticking with Sammich, Dr Thorin?IsSamreallythathardtoremember,ordoesyourbigdoctorbrainneedmoreconsonantsspillingoutofyourmouthto alwayssoundclever?Perhapsit’syouregoneedingtobeproppedupbyreducingthenursesyouworkwithtotrivialobjects?”
Icouldn’tsuppress agrin.“Ah,Ms.Sheridan,always adelightwithyour sharptongue.Butofcourse,youmisunderstand. It’s merelyanaffectionate nickname, a bit of levityinour otherwise serious department. Surelyyoucanappreciate a little humor,ordoesthenursingcodeforbidit?”
Herreplywasswiftandlacedwithequalpartssarcasmandconfidence.“HumorintheEDisalwayswelcome,Dr.Thorin, but maybe try a joke next time? I’m sure your brilliant doctor’s mind can come up with something more original than a sandwichpun.Is‘Sam’toomundaneforyoursuperiortastes?Mustbechallenging,havingtostooptomylevel,whatwithyour vastintellectconstantlyseekingoutcomplexitieseveninthesimplestofcircumstances.Or,morelikely,it’sjustanotherwayto remindusmeremortalsofourplacebeneathyourexaltedsurgicalhands”
Thisexchange,chargedwithamutualsnarkiness,wasstartingtobecomealmostenjoyable.Wewereembroiledinabattleof witsthatseemedtoentertainusboth Thiswasararekindofteasing,onethatcouldkeepthelongnightsintheEDlivelyand somewhatbearable.AndasmuchasIwasloathtoadmitit,itwasthekindofchallengeIrelished afieryspiritthatmatched myown
Iraisedaneyebrow,feigningsurpriseatherboldness.“Defensivemuch, Sammich?Ifyoucan’tstandtheheat,maybetheED isn’tyour kitchen.Weneedour nursestobeastoughastheyareskilled,after all.Butdon’tworry,I’msureyou’ll findyour placesoonenough orfindanotherdepartmentmoresuitedtoyourdelicatesensibilities”
Sam’s retortcame quickly. “Oh, Dr. Thorin, youthinkingyou’re God’s giftnotonlyto medicine butto womenis so cute. Your reputation certainly precedes you, and let’s just say it’s not all about your medical skills But don’t worry, I’mwell equippedtohandlewhatever‘heat’youthinkyou’rebringingtothiskitchen.”
Iwasn’tusedtobeingtalkedtolikethis ApartofmewantedtoscoldherandremindherIwasadoctorand,inasense,her superior,butIhesitated.Ihadjustgottenonshift,anditwasonlythesecondnightofmyrotation.Iwasn’tlookingtomakemy nightsmiserablebyirritatingthiswoman.
SoIchosetocontinuethebanter
“IfItoldyouwhyIcallyouSammich,you’dprobablyvagaloutrightbeforemyveryeyes.ThelastthingIwantistolosea nurseandgainanotherpatient Now,don’twehaveaconscioussedationtoperforminroomeighteen?”
Sampausedforamoment.“It’snolongercalledconscioussedation,Dr.Thorin.Thepatientisnotalwaysconscious,sowe nowrefertoitasproceduralsedation.I’msureyouknewthat,butmaybeyourageisfinallycatchingupwithyouandyou’re forgettingthenewthingsyoulearn.”
JustasIwasabouttosnapbackather,Bethanywalkedupandinterruptedus,possiblyhelpingmeavoidanembarrassing
situation, because who knew where the conversationwould have gone. Istood up, shoved a peninto mybreastpocket, and smiled.Bethany,nothavinganyideaaboutthefriendlyskirmishSamandIwerehaving,gavemethatmischievouslittlesmileI knewalltoowell Itwasthekindofsmilethatheldasecret,onelacedwithatouchofnaughtiness
“How much longer are we planning onmaking this patient wait?” Bethany asked. “The pain medicationgiven earlier is wearingoff,andthesoonerwegetthisfracturereducedandsplinted,thesoonerhe’llfeelsomerelief”
“That’s exactly what I asked himwhen I found himhere over five minutes ago, staring blankly at his computer screen. FollowedbyadiatribeaboutwhatanM Deityheis,”Samsaidsmugly,crossingherarms Itookadeepbreath.Theexhaleleavingmychestturnedintoalow,menacingrumble.Bethany’sandSam’spupilsdilatedas mygrowltriggeredsomethingprimalwithinthemboth.Foramoment,theireyesfixedonmelikeIwasapieceofmeat.
Toredirecttheirfocus,Iasked,“Bethany,Sammich,iseverythingreadytoperformthe procedural sedation?”Iemphasized thecorrecttermanddirectedmywordsstrictlytowardSamtoensuresheknewI’dheardhercorrection,eventhoughIhadn’t appreciatedhercondescendingtonewhenshehad informed meoftheupdate Sherolledhereyes
Bethanywhippedherheadaround,lookingatSamwithsuspiciousawareness.“Sammich,huh?Iseehe’salreadygivenyou anickname That’sadorable”Thensheturnedbacktome,hereyesblazingwithresentment Maybeshewasn’tentirelyover whathadhappenedbetweenusafterall?
“Thecrashcartisintheprocedureroom,”Bethanysaidafteranawkwardbeatofsilence.“Thepatienthasbeenplacedon capnography,andthecardiacleadsarestillintact Ihaveasimplefacemaskreadytorunoxygenattwolitersperminutewhen we’rereadytosedate.Thepharmacistisreadytogo,andI’venotifiedoneofthetechstobereadytosplintassoonasthebone is set Is there anything else you need before we get started, Dr Thorin?” She enunciated my name like she was spitting daggers.The flirtyexpressionshe’dwornjustmoments agohadtransformedintoa familiar lookofindignationthatI’dseen fromwomenwhoknewtheywerenolongerthequeenofmycourt.Fuck!
“Okay,great.Thenwe’reall setandshouldhaveeverythingweneed.Who’sgoingtobemyprimarynursefor thispatient duringtheprocedure?”Icautiouslyinquired.
BethanyglancedatSamandthenbackatme “I’msure Sammich here will dojustfine assistingyou Since I’mnolonger needed,I’llbecheckingonotherpatients.Letmeknowifyouneedanything.”
AlookofconfusionflashedacrossSam’sface,andherbodylanguagesubtlyshiftedtoamoreclosed-offposture IdirectedmyattentiontowardSam.“Wellthen,let’sgetthispatientsedated,set,x-rayed,andoutofhere.It’sjustabroken bone,sothere’snosenseinkeepinghimherelongerthannecessary.”
Bethany walked off with a scowl on her face that told me she’d have words for me later, but that was the least of my concerns.ThelastthingIwantedwasthegossiptrainlocomotingaroundthedepartment.GiventhatSamwasnewhere,Iwas sure she had alreadyheard plentyofstories aboutmydifficultnature However, based onour interactioninthe breakroom yesterdayandtoday’sencounter,Ihadagutfeelingshewasn’ttoobotheredbyit.Perhapsshewasaccustomedtodealingwith disrespectful doctors whotreatedher like aninexperienced“babynurse” The words thatpouredoutfromher sexyfull lips whenshespoketomesuggestedshecouldholdherown.Thatcapturedmyinterest.Hersassmademewanttoshutherpretty littlemouthupwithmycock.
“Dr Thorin,you’redoingitagain,”Samsaid,onceagaininterruptingmythoughts Admittedly,itwasnecessary Theideaof mefuckinghermouthwasnotsomethingIneededtobedistractedbybeforeweperformedthisprocedure. Routine. Structure. Patient safety,Iremindedmyself
Icouldn’tletthisfirecrackersidetrackmefromperformingmyduties.MyinfatuationwassomethingIwouldrevisitlater. Iheadedfortheprocedureroom,Samintow
Oncewearrived,Istoppedatthefootofthepatient’sbedandexplainedourplantohim.“Allright,Mr.Stewart,wehave ourteamready.”Usingthechartinmyhandasareference,IpointedateachpersonasIintroducedthem.“Thisisyournurse, Samantha;Brian,ourpharmacist;Jake,oneofourEDtechswhowillhelpmestabilizeyourarmwhileIpulltraction;andKat, ourrespiratorytherapist.We’regoingtobeperformingaproceduralsedation.We’llbeginbyadministeringsomepropofolto relaxyou,allowingyoutosleep Youdon’thaveanyallergiestomedications,correct?” “No,sir.Well,notthatIknowof,”Mr.Stewartsaid.
“Good We’regoingtomonitoryouasweadministerthesedative,andonceweseeyou’recomfortablysedated,I’mgoingto applytractionto your arm, setyour radial bone, and thenthe techwill splintyour armwhile you’re still under. Bythe time you’reawake,we’llhavetakenasubsequentX-raytomakesureeverythinglooksgood,andthenwecangetyoudischarged. Doesthatsoundlikeaplan,Mr Stewart?”
“Soundslikeaplan,”heechoed.
“Mr Stewart,howmuchdoyouweigh?”thepharmacistasked “Aboutonehundredseventy-fivepounds.” “Perfect,”thepharmacistnoted.“Okay,lastquestion.Haveyoueverbeensedatedwithpropofolbefore?” “No,sir,”Mr.Stewartsaid.
“Let’s starthimatpointfive milligrams per kilogram,” Isaid, butSamlooked atme quizzically, as ifIhad suggested the
wrongdose.
“Doyouhavesomethingtosay,Samantha?”
She paused, takinga deep breathin “Ithinkwe should startMr Stewartona lower dose since he’s never had propofol before,maybepointtwofivemilligramsperkilogram?”
Inearlybitintomylowerlip Sam,perhapsinadvertently,wasquestioningmydosageinfrontofeveryone “Andwhatexactlyisyourrationaleforstartingatalowerdose,Samantha?”Iasked,myvoicecomingoutterserthanIhad intended
“Well,I’mtryingtobethepatientadvocatethatMr.Stewartdeserves.Ifiguredifwestartedatalowerdoseandhedoesn’t respondtoit,wecanalwaysincreasethedosage,”shesaid,takinganotherdeepbreathtogatherherthoughts.“Andifwegive toomuchpropofol,NarcanorRomaziconaren’teffectivereversalagents,sowewouldhavetousephysostigmine,whichisn’t aperfectsolutioneither.”
“Well,I’mgladyouknowyourdrugsandyourreversalagents,Ms Sheridan,butIthinkIknowwhatI’mdoing,”Isaidwith a sharpness that cut throughthe tensionofthe room. “Now that we’re done questioningthe people who have actuallydone proceduralsedations,shallwegetstarted?”
Sam’sfaceturnedbrightredashereyesfelltostudytheedgeofthebed.Mycommenthadapparentlystruckachordinher. PerhapsImighthavebeentoofirmwithher,butIwasn’tusedtobeingquestioned,especiallynotinfrontofstaffandpatients. However,shehadmadeagoodpoint
IlookedoveratBrianandglancedatSam.“Let’sstartwithpointtwofivemilligramsperkilogramandseehowMr.Stewart responds If need be, we can continue with subsequent doses of point five milligrams per kilogram until he’s out Does everyoneagreewiththis?”
“Soundsgood,”Samrespondedimmediately,herfacebreakingintoagratifiedsmirk. Iturnedtothepatient.“Okay,Mr.Stewart,Iwantyoutocountbackwardfromonehundred.We’llbeginassoonasyou’re under.”
“AreyousureI’mgoingtobeokay?Youguysarethemedicalprofessionals,butthatwholeconversationaboutgivingmetoo muchsedativeand reversal agents hasmealittlefreakedoutrightnow,”hesaid. Samleanedinandgentlyplacedahandonhisshoulder “You’regoingtobejustfine Youhaveagreatteamatyourbedside We’llhaveyoufixedupandoutofherebeforeyouknowit.Now,howaboutwestartthatcountdown,Mr.Stewart?” He tooka deep breathinjust as the pharmacist beganpushingthe propofol. After a slow exhale, there was nothing. No counting.Nochestrise.
ThemomentIsawMr.Stewart’schestceaseitsrhythmicriseandfall,myheartsank.Thepatientwasapneic. “Apnea,”Iannouncedsharply
Theroomsnappedtoaheightenedstateofalert.Samwasrightbymyside,herexpertiseasanemergencynurseevidentin herswiftresponse
“Howmuchdidyougivehim?!”Ishoutedatthepharmacist.
“Ithoughtwewerestartingatpointfivemilligramsperkilogram?”Briansaidwithuncertaintyinhisvoice. Myfrustrationthreatenedtoboilover,butSam’scalmingtouchonmyarmrefocusedme “Thepatientisinrespiratoryarrestrightnow,soweneedtofocusup,”shesaidwithassertiveness. AdrenalinecoursedthroughmyveinsasIbarkedorders “Brian,getthatphysostigmineready Kat,openthatambulatorybag andstartbreathingforthepatient.Oxygen,now!”Idemanded.Samquicklyadjustedthesimplefacemask,settingtheoxygen flowtotwolitersperminute Thecapnographymonitorbeepedominously,indicatingtheabsenceofcarbondioxideexhalation aclearsignofrespiratoryarrest.
Wasthissituationsomehowmyfault?Ididnotfuckupmyprocedures.Structure.Routine.Safepatientoutcome.MaybeI’d letSamdistractme?Ishouldhaveconfirmedthedosageonelasttimebeforemovingforward Fuck!
Kat’shandsmoveddeftly.“I’vegotthebagvalvemaskready,”sheannouncedassheremovedthesimplefacemask. “Start bagging him, Kat,” I instructed She nodded, expertly fitting the mask over Mr Stewart’s face and beginning the manualventilation.Hischestroseandfellwitheachofhercompressionsonthebag. Iglancedatthecardiacleads Mr Stewart’s heartratewaselevated,hoveringaroundonehundredtenbeats per minute,a naturalresponsetothehypoxia.
Brianlookedatme,awaitinginstructions.
“Administerthephysostigmine,twenty-eightmicrogramsperkilogram,”Isaid “Weneedtostabilizehim”IturnedtoSam “What’shisoxygensaturation?”
Sheswiftlycheckedthemonitor “Ninety-twopercentanddropping” Soon, the physostigmine started to take effect. After several more compressions of the BVM, the capnography monitor showedsignsofimprovement.
“ReplacetheBVMwiththesimplefacemask,withoxygenflowsettotwolitersperminute,”Iinstructed.“Let’sseeifhe’s abletobreatheonhisownandhisvitalsreturntonormal.”
Afewsecondslater,Mr.Stewartdrewinaraggedbreathandthenexhaled.Hisbreathinggraduallynormalized. Afterafewminutes,everyone’snervessettled.Ineededanewplan,fast.“Brian,prepareacombinationofmidazolamand ketamine pointohfivemilligramsperkilogramofmidazolamandpointtwomilligramsperkilogramofketamine,maxtwenty milligrams,”Idirected.
Brianrepeatedthedosagesbacktomeforconfirmationandthensettowork Thistime,wewereallonthesamepage Asheadministeredthesedativemix,Ikeptmyeyesgluedtothemonitors.Mr.Stewart’sheartratestabilized,droppingtoa more normal eightybpm His oxygensaturationclimbed backup, reachingninety-sevenpercent I let out a breathI hadn’t realizedIwasholding.
“Respiratoryrate?”Iasked.
“Steadyattwelvebreathsperminute,”Samreported
The new cocktail of sedatives had beeneffective. Mr. Stewart’s bodyrelaxed, his face losingthe strained expressionof unconsciousdistress Nowthatthecrisishadbeenaverted,wewerereadytoproceedwiththetaskathand “Let’s reduce this fracture,” I said. With gentle but firm hands, Jake stabilized his arm while I applied traction and manipulatedthebrokenbone,aligningitaspreciselyasIcould Thetech,alreadyprepped,beganthesplintingprocess
“Keepmonitoringhisvitals,”IremindedSamandKat.Theynodded,closelywatchingthescreensdisplayingMr.Stewart’s heartrate,bloodpressure,andoxygenlevels.
I stepped back to assess our work and Mr Stewart’s condition His vitals had stabilized, and the reduction appeared successful.
“Let’sgetradiology’smobileunitinforapost-reductionX-ray,”Iinstructed “Weneedtoconfirmthealignment” “Understood, Dr. Thorin,” Samreplied, alreadyinthe process ofmeticulouslydocumentingour interventioninthe patient chart.
“Andlet’skeephimonobservationforawhile,”Iadded.“Iwanttobesuretherearenofurthercomplications.”
Asthetensionintheroomebbed,Itookamomenttoreflect.Thesituationhadbeenprecarious,areminderofthethinline betweenlife and deathwe trod inemergencymedicine But thanks to the quickthinkingand expertise ofour team, we had navigatedthroughthecrisissuccessfully.
Mr Stewartwouldrecover;Iwas confidentaboutthat Butthis case,like somanyothers,wouldstaywithme,a constant reminderoftheresponsibilityweboreandthelivesthathunginthebalance.
Ashorttimelater,whenMr.Stewartcameto,Ileanedinandsaid,“Youdidgreat.Inafew minutes,radiologyisgoingto comebackinwiththeirmobileunitandtakeanotherpictureofyourarm.Ifeverythinglooksgood,we’regoingtogetyouout ofhereinacoupleofhours.Youwillneedtofollowupwithanorthopedicsurgeon,soI’llgetthereferralsetupforyou.It’s importantthatyoucarefullyfollowalltheinstructionstheygiveyouatdischarge Soundgood?”
“Soundsgood,Dr.Thorin.I’mgladnothingbadhappenedtomewhenIwasout,”hereplied.
“Everythingwentjustfine However, ifyouever need to be sedated inthe future, make sure to letthe doctors and nurses know youhaveasensitivitytopropofol.We’vemarkeditinyour records andwill sendthenotes over toyour primarycare physician.Takecareofthatarm.Haveagoodnight.”Withthat,Iheadedoutoftheprocedureroom,pausingasIdrewcloserto Sam
“Whenyoutakeyourfirstbreak,grabme.Weneedtotalk,”Isaidcurtly.
Chapter Three
The dashboard clockread 17:35. Once again, Isatinmycar inthe stafflotatSt. John’s. Itwas the beginningofmythird nightshift,andIstaredblanklyatthehospital’simposingfacade.AnxietyfloodedmymindasIwonderedwhatlayinstore tonight Drawinginadeepbreath,Itriedtomusterthecouragetostepoutofmycarandintothetumultthatawaitedmeinside Tacoma’seveningchillseepedthroughthewindows,mirroringthecoldknotofuneaseinmystomach.Mythoughtswerea tangledmess Ikeptreplayingtheeventsoflastnight’sshiftoverandover Bethany,theonenurseIthoughtI’dconnectedwith, seemed irked at me, and I had no clue why. The atmosphere had shifted the moment Dr. Thorin called me by his absurd nickname, Sammich.Bethanyhadnarrowedher eyesatmeinunmistakableirritation.Now,sittinghere,Idreadedfacingher again.IwasunsureaboutwhatI’ddonetomakehermad.
Butitwasn’tjustBethanycausingmyanxiety.Lastnight,duringareductionprocedure,I’dopenlyquestionedDr.Thorin’s propofol dosage infront of the patient and the entire medical team There had beena brief flashof annoyance onhis face beforehe’dreluctantlyacceptedmyrecommendationforalowerdosage.Despitethis,thepharmacisthadbeenconfusedabout thedosage,whichhadledtothepatientbecomingapneic Thoughwe’dmanagedtostabilizethepatientwithoutanyharm,Dr Thorinhaddemandedwediscusstheincidentonmybreak.However,therestofmyshifthadbeensobusythatIhadn’tgottena break.I’dendedupleavingwithouthavingthatconversationwithhim.Now,thethoughtofwhatDr.Thorinmightsayloomed largeinmymind.
Ihadalwayspridedmyselfonbeingacompetentnurse.Mygradesinnursingschoolhadbeennearlyperfect,andmyyearat HarborRegionalbackinAberdeenhadallowedmetohonemyskillsintheED NottomentionI’djustearnedmyCEN Yet, here I was, experiencingan emotional turmoil that had little to do withmy nursing abilities and everything to do with the complexitiesofinterpersonalrelationshipsatSt John’s aworldIwasstilllearningtonavigate I’d purposefullyarrived earlyso Icould find Dr. Thorinbefore myshiftstarted. Irefused to sitinmycar anylonger and stewoverwhathemightsay.Withaheavysigh,Igatheredmythingsandreluctantlyopenedthecardoor.Thebrisknightairhit melikeanicyslap Istoodforamoment,steelingmyselfbeforemakingmywaytowardtheslidingdoorsoftheentrance TheEDwasaflurryofactivity,hummingwiththeusualcacophonyofbeeps,pages,andhurriedconversations.AsifIwas onautopilot,myfeetcarriedmedirectlytowardthebreakroom Ateveryintersection,IscannedthehallwaysforDr Thorin butdidn’tfind him. Mymind raced withpotential scenarios ofour impendingconversation. And then, there he was, leaning into a conversationwithone ofthe ED residents as theybothscrutinized somethingona tablet Theywere so focused that neitherofthemnoticedmeasIslidintothebreakroomontheothersideofthehallway.
Despitemyresolvetoavoidromanticentanglementshereatthehospital,Icouldn’tdenytheunexpectedphysicalattraction
thatsimmeredinmycoreeverytimeIsawDr Thorin,whichwassoweird,consideringhowmucholderhewasthanme No, thatcouldn’tberight…justsomementalFreudianslip.
Ishovedmylunchintothefridgeandthenpouredacupofcoffeetowarmupmyhands Someonehadjustbrewedthepot,so it was nice and hot. I added a little cream and wrapped my fingers around the steaming cup, carefully sipping as I eavesdroppedonDr Thorin’s conversation His thickbaritone was unmistakable Ishutmyeyes, restingmylips againstthe edgeofthemugandallowinghisvoicetoresonateinmymind.Itsentheatcascadingtomycore.Hiswordswerelikemolten honey dripping into my panties The man was just discussing cardiac meds, but it was better than listening to a smutty audiobook.Jesus,hadaman’svoiceeveraffectedmelikethis?Iwonderedhowitwouldaffectmeifhiswordswerenaughty.
“Ahem,Ms.Sheridan.Sam!”
Mynamefinallyregistering,Ijumped,nearlyflingingmycoffeeon “Dr Thorin,sosorry Iwas lostinmythoughts and didn’tseeyou.”Shit,myfacealmostthrobbedfromthesuddenburstofheatthatsurgedintomycheeks.
“GoodthingI’mquick,orelseI’dhavehotcoffeeburnsonmychest”Hesmirkedandturnedbacktothedoor,shuttingit
“Haveaseat,Samantha,”hesaid,gesturingtooneofthechairsatthetable.Thewayhesaidmyname,soformally,senta nervousshiverdownmyspine
Gatheringmythingsfromthecounter,Ihesitantlywalkedovertothetableandsatdown,placingmycoffee,keys,andwallet infrontofme. Crossingmylegs and foldingmyhands inmylap, Itried to appear more composed thanIactuallywas. Dr. Thorinjoinedme,sittingacrossthetable Heleanedbackinhischair,hisattentionfixedonme Thedeepfurrowbetweenhis brows,alongwiththeseriousnessinhiseyes,wasintimidating.
“Aboutlastnight’sprocedure,”hebegan,histoneauthoritativeyetprofessional
Interruptinghimbefore he could saymore, Ileaned inand said, “I’msorryIdidn’tstop bylastnightduringmybreak. I wasn’tignoringyourrequest,butIdidn’thaveachancetotakeabreak,andmyshiftendeduprunningoverwithallthepatients wehad.Iassumedyou’dalreadyleftbecauseIdidn’tseeyouanywhereinthedepartmentafterthereductionprocedure.”
“I’mnotupsetthatyoudidn’tcometoseemelastnight.Andalthoughit’s rarefor someonetochallengeme,especiallyin frontofothers,I’mnotdispleasedwithyourquestionregardingthepropofoldosage ButIwouldhavepreferredforyoutoask metostepoutsidetheroomsincetheprocedurehadyettobeginandthecircumstancesweren’turgent.Thepatientwasalready anxious,andourdiscussiondidn’thelp”
Inodded, absorbinghis words. He was right, ofcourse. Ishould have considered the patient’s feelings and apprehension abouttheprocedure.
“Iappreciate your advocacyfor the patient,” Dr. Thorincontinued, “butinthe future, be sensitive to the situation. It’s not aboutquestioning;it’sabouthowandwhenyoudoit.”
Bothreliefand embarrassmentwashed over me “Iunderstand, Dr Thorin I’ll be more mindful inthe future” Mycheeks warmedagain.
Heleanedforward,hisdemeanorshiftingslightly “Now,abouttheothermatter IknowBethanygaveyouahardlookbefore handing off the patient. That wasn’t fair to you. Hospital rumor mills are…overactive. Don’t believe everything you hear, especiallyaboutme.”Thecornerofhismouthlifted,andhestaredatmeasifhecouldreadmymind.
I raised an eyebrow, unsure where this was heading Then his grin broadened, a hint of flirtation in his eyes “And Sammich…it’satermofendearment,youknow?”
Iblinked,takenaback Washecomingontome?Myheartskippedabeat
“Youcangonow,”hesaid.“Andremember,don’tbeafraidtoquestionthings.Just…pickyourmoments.”Hisgazeslowly madeitswayfrommyeyestomychestandbackupagain
Still processing the exchange, I gathered my things and stood up. “Thank you, Dr. Thorin. I’ll keep that in mind,” I whispered.
“Iknowyouwill,Sammich”
AsIwalkedoutofthebreakroom,thenicknameechoedinmyears,sendingathrillthroughme.WasIreadingtoomuchinto it?Thewayhesaidit,thatslighttwinkleinhiseye itwasunnerving
Shaking my head slightly, I made my way to the locker room. My thoughts were a jumble of professional concerns and personaldoubts Dr Thorinwasanenigma,andIwasn’tsurewhattomakeofhim ormyreactiontohim Butonethingwas obvious;mytimeatSt.John’swasgoingtobeanythingbutdull.
MinutesafterI’dstashedmykeysandwalletinmylocker,acallcameinviaradioaboutateenagegunshotvictim.Ajoltof adrenalinewentthroughme Iwashedmyhands,slippedonafacemask,andgrabbedapairofglovesasIheadedtothetrauma bay.
JustasIreachedthetraumabaydoors,theyburstopen Theboyonthestretchercouldn’thavebeenolderthanseventeen His face was contorted withfear and pain, and his eyes darted around while he clutched at the edges of the gurney. The entry woundwasjustbelowhisclavicle,achillingsight.
One ofthe paramedics, a tall, muscular manwitha relaxed ease abouthim, started bringingme up to speed. “Accidental shooting,”heexplained,hisvoicesteadydespitethegravityofthesituation.“Handgun.”
Iblinked,takingintheparamedic’sfeatures darkbrownhairwithgoldenhighlightsanddeep-setdarkbrowneyeswitha few worry lines around them. He looked strikingly familiar. Thenit hit me. He was like a slightly younger version of Dr. Thorin Only,thisman’seyesweredark “AreyourelatedtoDr.Thorin,byanychance?”Iasked,tryingtomaskmysurprise.
“Guiltyascharged Atticusismybigbrother,”hesaid,givingmeamischievouslook “I’mBraxton,butforheaven’ssake, don’tevercallmeBrixxie,hisridiculousnicknameforme.Andyoumustbethenewnurse,Samantha?”
It surprised me that he’d already heard of me His easygoing manner was so different from Dr Thorin’s more intense demeanor.
“Yep,that’sme.YoucancallmeSam.Nicetomeetyou,Braxton.Anddon’tworry,I’llsteerclearofthenickname.I’mall toofamiliarwithhisidioticnicknames”
Justthen,Dr.Thorinhimselfstrodeover,hispresencecommandingasalways.Hecaughtmyeyeforabriefsecond asilent acknowledgment beforeheturnedtotheboyonthestretcher “What’shisBP?”heaskedwithoutmissingabeat “Ninetyover sixtyand dropping,” Ireported, checkingthe monitor. Myeyes flicked backto Braxton, who was unloading equipmentwithpracticedefficiency Thenumberswereworrisome,andthepatientwaslosingbloodfast
Braxtonstepped toward Dr. Thorin. “We’ve gota bulletlodged justbelow the clavicle,” he reported. “He’s experiencing difficultybreathing,likelyduetofluidaccumulationinthelung.Hisrespirationislabored,andthere’sreducedbreathsoundon theleftside Oxygensaturationwasfluctuatingaroundeighty-ninepercentenroute”
Dr. Thorin nodded briefly, absorbing the information with a practiced calm. “Prepare for chest X-rays,” he instructed. “NotifytheOR Hemayneedimmediatesurgicalintervention” Iglanced backand forthbetweenthem, still takenabackbyhow similar theylooked and sounded, yethow differentthey wereatthesametime.Braxtontookoneofmyhandsandplaceditonthegauzepacktheotherparamedicwasholdingoverthe boy’swound.
“Nicetomeetyou,Sam.I’llhavetomakesureyoumeetouryoungestbrother,Conan,soon,”Braxtonsaidashewalkedback totheambulance Turningtolookoverhisshoulder,helitmeupwithawinninggrin,andeventhoughhewaswearingamask, itwasoneofthesexiestsmilesI’deverseen.
Mycheeksheated,andIletoutanembarrassinglyaudiblegasp
Dr.Thorinnoticedmyreactionandraisedaneyebrowbutsaidnothing,hisfocusquicklyreturningtothepatient.Butinthat instant,Icaughtaflickerofsomething curiosity,perhaps inhiseyes.
“We need to stabilize him. Possible lungand vascular injury,” Dr. Thorinassessed. “GetchestX-rays, type and cross for blood,andprepareforapossiblethoracotomy.”
Whiletheteamhustledaround,Icontinuedapplyingpressureonthewoundtomitigatebloodloss,beingmindfultobegentle soasnottoexacerbatetheinjury.RadiologytechsrolledintheportableX-raymachine,andwithinmoments,wehadaclearer pictureofthedamage
“He’sgotahemothorax,”Dr.Thorinnoted,hisvoicesteadybuturgent.
TheX-rayshowedacollapsedlung.Thebulletwasperilouslyclosetoamajorbloodvessel.
“Chesttubeinsertion,now,”Dr Thorindirected,andIsnappedtoattentioninaninstant Handingover myhold onthe gauze packto another nurse, Iquicklydiscarded the gloves I’d beenwearing, scrubbed my hands,andsuitedupinmysterilegear,donningnewglovesbeforeturningbacktothepatient,whohadbeenmovedtooneof thebedsinthetraumabay.
Hisbreathingwasshallowandlabored,andhisfear-filledeyesflickeredfrommetoDr Thorin,seekingreassuranceamidst hispain.
“Hi,I’mSamantha.What’syourname?”Iaskedhiminanefforttodistracthimalittlefromtheseriousnessofthesituation.
“Brandon,”herepliedsoftly
“Well, Brandon, Dr. Thorinhere and his teamare the best. We’re goingto take good care of you. Soon, we’ll have you feelingbetter Trytotakeslow,deepbreathsforme,okay?”
Hetriedtosmile,butwincedaspaintorethroughhim.
Bethany swiftly entered the room with the necessary supplies a chest tube kit, a sterile drape, and a local anesthetic Everyone prepared for the procedure ina practiced, macabre dance. The sterile scentofthe drape mingled withthe sharp, antiseptic odor of the cleaning solution as we prepared the area around Brandon’s wound. As we began to undertake this criticalprocedure,theatmospherebecamesomber,thequietpunctuatedbythebeepingofmonitorsandthemutedshufflingof theteam.
“Administeringlocalanesthesia,”Dr Thorinannounced,hisvoiceasteadybeaconinthetenseatmosphere Asheinjected theanestheticaroundthesiteofthewound,Brandonwinced,hismusclestensingunderthesharpprickoftheneedle. Withprecisemovements,Dr.Thorinmadeasmall incisionjustbelow Brandon’spectoral muscle.Thesoft,wetpartingof skinwas asoundIhadbecomefamiliar withbutnever gotusedtohearing.“Scalpel down.Clamps,”herequestedcalmly.I handedhimtheclamps,andthenhecarefullydissectedthesubcutaneoustissue,creatingapathwayforthechesttube.
No one made a sound. Dr. Thorin’s instruments clinked softlyas we watched himwork. The critical momentapproached, and Ibraced myself. Dr. Thorinmade a swift, precise insertioninto the pleural space. There was a sudden, softwhooshing soundasairandbloodescapedthroughthenewlycreatedpathway Itwasbothareliefandareminderoftheinjury’sseverity IheldthetubeasDr.Thorinsecureditwithsutures,hishandsmovingwiththegraceandconfidenceofasurgeonwhohad performedthislifesavingprocedurecountlesstimes Theprecisionofeachstitchwasmesmerizing Thesutureswerefineand delicatecomparedwiththeseverityofthewoundtheysurrounded.Ishiftedmyfocustothechesttubeitself.Myjobnowwas toensureitremainedstableandcorrectlypositioned IobservedasBethanyconnectedthetubetothesealedwatercontainer Witheachbreaththepatienttook,bloodandairbubbledrhythmicallyinthewater-sealchamber.
Brandon’sbreathing,previouslyraggedandshallow,begantoease.Thehissingsoundofairpassingthroughthechesttube wasasignthatthepressureinhischestwasbeingrelieved,allowinghiscollapsedlungtore-expand “Tube inplace. Secured,” Dr. Thorinfinallydeclared. He glanced atme and gave me a nod ofappreciationfor the silent coordinationthathadjusttranspiredbetweenus Itgavemearushofprofessional satisfactionandrelief Wehadpotentially savedBrandon’slifewithourtimelyintervention.
Withthetubenowsecured,IwatchedintentlyasBrandon’slaboredbreathscreatedarhythmicdanceofbubblesinthewater Thesightwasbothfascinatingandharrowing.Thebubblingwasnotjustamechanicalresponsebutavisualcueoftheairand bloodbeingsafelyremovedfromBrandon’spleuralspace.Blood-tingedfrothintermittentlybubbledtothesurface,paintinga starkpictureoftheinternaltrauma Theoxygensaturationmonitorbeepedsteadily,thenumbersclimbingbacktosaferlevels AsIcleanedtheareaandappliedasteriledressingoverthesite,Dr.Thorin’svoicecutthroughmyfocus.“Samantha,Ineed youonthesurgicalteam We’regoingtoORthree”Inoddedandfollowedhim Aroundme,theteamstartedtomoveontothe nextstepsofBrandon’scare.
AfterI’dscrubbedin,Isteppedintotheoperatingroom,whereDr.Thorinpreparedforthesurgerythataspecialistwould spearhead once he arrived. The bullet had to be carefullyretrieved, avoidingfurther damage to the lungand nearbyblood vessels.
Withanunyieldingfocus,Dr Thorincarefullynavigatedthroughthewoundtrack,ensuringhemostasisandcheckingforany additional injuries. Dr. Sylvan, a cardiothoracic surgeon who had been called in for this complex procedure, joined us, providingadditionalexpertise
The removal of the bullet was precise, and the surroundingtissue was skillfullyrepaired. “Suturing,” Dr. Sylvanfinally announced.Ihandedhimthenecessaryinstrumentsandwatchedasheneatlyclosedtheincisions.
After the surgerywas concluded, Dr. Thorintooka momentto acknowledge the team’s effort. “Good job, everyone.” He peeled offhis gloves, the latexsnappinggentlyas itlefthis hands, and tossed theminthe trash. His eyes, previouslylaserfocusedandintense,nowscannedtheroom Helookedateachofusinturn,givingnodsofgenuineappreciation Herelaxed, andarare,smallsmileplayedatthecornersofhismouth.
Post-surgery, Brandon was transferred to the PACU, where he would be closely monitored for signs of re-accumulating pneumothorax or hemothorax and for any respiratory distress. His recovery journey had just begun, but thanks to the swift actionofthemedicalteam,he’dbeengiventhebestchanceforafullrecovery.
AswelefttheOR,Dr Thorin’seyesmetmineagain Thistime,therewasahintofsomethingmore somethingIcouldn’t describe. Butevidently, Bethanyunderstood. Turningto Dr. Thorin, she huffed, “Really?” and stomped downthe hallway. I duckedmyheadandshotawaytogocleanupandcheckbackinwithtonight’schargenurse
Whenthatwasaccomplished,theEDwasrelativelyquiet,givingmetheopportunitytogogetsomethingtoeat.Iwalkedinto thebreakroom,findingBethanysittingalone,eatingsomemixedfruitandflippingthroughamagazine “Hey,what’sup?”Iasked,openingthefridgeandpullingoutmylunchbag. Bethanylookedup,herexpressiontensebutnotunfriendly.“Hey,Sam.Mindjoiningmeforabit?”
Inervouslychuckled,pullingoutachair “Sure,butonlyifyou’rebuyingthecoffee Youowemeforguessingclosesttothe drunkpatient’sEtOHlevel.Youremember,theguywhoyoupassedofftomethenightbeforelast?HisEtOHwasthreefiftyeight,andnow youowemeacoffee”Igesturedtowardthecoffeemachineinthecorner “Andbybuying,Imeangettingup andmakingafreshpot.”
Herlipstwitchedintoahalf-smile “Deal Andbytheway ”Shepaused,wentovertothecoffeemaker,andstartedpouring somegroundsintoafreshfilter.
Iheldmybreath.Lastnight,whenDr.Thorinhadcalledme“Sammich,”Bethany’sreactionhadn’tescapedmynotice.Ithad beenacombinationofsurpriseandsomethingelse jealousy,maybe?
Bethanyletoutalong,slowexhale,breakingthesilence.“Look,Sam,aboutlastnight…Iwascurtwithyou,andIshouldn’t havebeen It’sjust there’sabitofhistorybetweenmeandDr Thorin” Myeyebrowsshotup.“History?Youmeanlike…”
Shenodded,aruefullookcrossingherface.“Yeah.Wehadathing.Itwasfunbutbrief,justafewhookupshereandthere, butIguessI’dhopedformore,eventhoughIknewbetter.Isupposesomepartofmestillhasathingforhim.WhenIsawhow muchheaffectedyou,itstirredupoldfeelings.Butthat’smyproblem,notyours.Hemadeitclearhe’snotintorelationships
whenIpursuedhim.I’dhadacrushonhimforyearsandflirtedwithhimmercilessly.Finally,onenight,itjusthappened.We werebothstressedtothemax,andonethingledtoanother.Weweretogetherafewmoretimes,butthenheendedthings.He wasapologetic Saidsomethingabouthisheartnotbeingreadyforanythingserious Ithoughthewasbeingdramatic,butthen again,he’sneverletanywomangetclosetohim,sowhoknows.Rumorhasitthathecutsawomanlooseassoonassheeven hints atwantinga relationship” She heaved a loud sigh “Butsexwithhim, well, it’s fabulous Oh, myGod, it’s so good Don’tjudge me…butfuckingthatmanfor few hours was time well spent. I’ll never regretit. Everywomanshould have an experiencelikethatatleastonceinherlifetime”
Bethanysetthehotcoffee,afewsweetenerpackets,somecreamer,andaspooninfrontofme.Takingmytimetorespond,I stirred the creamer into mycoffee, tryingto hide mysurprise. She’d shared a lotmore thanI’d ever imagined she would. I realizednowshewasthetypetoovershare,butIhonestlylikedthat Ilikedthatshetrustedmeenoughtobehonestandstraight upaboutwhathadhappenedbetweenthem.
“Ihadnoidea Imean,withhimcallingme‘Sammich’andall,Ijustthoughthewasbeinghisusualarrogantself,tryingto make me feel insignificant or something. Since Istarted workinghere, we’ve verballysparred a lot. Idon’t let anyone run roughshodoverme Iliketogiveitbacktopeople”
“Ireallyamsorry,”shesaid.“ThewayIspoketoyouwasuncalledfor,anditwon’thappenagain.”Thensheleanedin,her voice dropping. “Sam, he onlygives nicknames to womenhe’s…interested in, youknow, ina certainway. Just be careful, okay?Well,thatis,unlessyoudowanttohavethebestsexofyourlife”
Isnorted.“Trustme,Bethany,Dr.ThorinisthelastmanonearthI’deverwanttobewith.He’ssuchanarrogantasshole.But hisbrotherBraxton?Holyhellgirl,he’shotandsomucheasier-going,”Isaid,laughing
“WaittillyoumeetConan.Heworkshereasanurse.IfyouthinktheolderThorinbrothersarehandsome,he’sgoingtoblow yourmind.He’salotyoungerthanAtticusandwildasthedayislong.He’sconstantlypushingeverybuttonAtticushas.” “What?Allthreebrothersworkinthemedicalfield?Andatthishospital?”
“Yes,andofcourse,Atticuslordsovertheyoungertwolikehe’ssomesortofGodfather.Braxtonisn’ttoomuchtroublefor AtticusandisonlyinandoutasanEMT,butConan helivestoyankhischain Ican’ttellyouhow manytimesAtticushas hadtobailhimoutoftrouble.”Bethanygenuinelylaughed,clutchingherbelly.“Ithinkit’ssweetjusticeforallthewomenhe’s toyedwithovertheyears”
Her expressionsoftened, and she changed the subject. “So, speakingof men, what’s your deal? Anyinterestinglove-life tales?”
Ishrugged, the questionmakingme a bituncomfortable. “Notmuchto tell, really. Justone guyincollege. Itwas pretty… vanilla.”
“Vanilla?”Bethanyechoed,hercuriositypiqued “Yeah.”Ididn’telaborate,andshedidn’tpushformore. Isippedmycoffee,feelingabitoutofmydepth TheworldofrelationshipsandcasualsexwasafarcryfromwhatIwas usedto.Mostly,I’donlyeverfocusedonschoolandwork.Ihadn’thadtimeformuchelse.Bethany’sfranknesswasrefreshing, butitalsohighlightedhow inexperiencedIreallywas.Itwasn’tthatIwasparticularlyuninterestedinsex,onlythatithadn’t beenapriorityforme
Iatemyfood,andshereturnedtohermagazine,butmythoughtskeptdriftingbacktoourconversation.Bethany’srevelation aboutherhistorywithAtticusdidn’tsurpriseme,butheradvicetowatchoutforhimdid Ididn’twanta relationship withanyone, muchless withsomeone like him. He was abrasive, and he had a reputationfor being callous with everyone he worked with No, I wanted a man who would treat me right, a man who could be both a protector andaprovider.Hotashell ontheoutsidebutacinnamonroll ontheinside theperfectcombinationofsweetand spicy.Butthatwasprobablyjusttheidealistinme.IdoubtedI’deverfindthatkindofmaninreality. IturnedtoBethanyandsaid,“Youknow,youdidn’tneedtowarnmeoffofDr Thorin Ihavenointerestinhim,oranyman, rightnow.”
“No?”Herbrowsrose,curiositylightinguphereyes “Notevenforanightoffun?” Heatcreptintomycheeks.“Ihaven’t…Imean,I’mnotreallyinterestedincasualsex.” “Oh”Hereyesnarrowedasunderstandingdawned “You’reavirgin” “What? No!” Iscoffed, glancingaround uncomfortably, glad there wasn’t anyone else inthe breakroom. The last thingI needed was for the entire staffto know aboutmysexlife, or lackthereof. “I’ve had sex. I’mjust not a fanofmeaningless hookups”
“Howwasit?”Bethanyasked,liftingonebrowinquisitively.“Yourlastrelationship,Imean.” Ibusiedmyselfwithpickingatmybagofchips,discomfortswirlinginmychest Thetruthwas,I’dneverenjoyedsex I’d always been too focused on trying to please my boyfriend Benji in college to relax and enjoy anything myself. He was definitelynotworthgettinganIUDfor;IdreadedthedayIwouldhavetogetanewone.
“Well,youknow…alwaysquick,nofireworks.Ineverreallygotwhypeoplemakesuchabigdealoversex.”
Bethany’s eyes widened, and she leaned back, assessingme. “Sam, are yousayingyou’ve never had…good sex? Youcan
talktome,youknow.”Shetouchedmyarm,regardingmewithsincerekindness.“Iwon’tjudgeyouorrepeataword.” Isighed,debatinghowmuchtoconfess.ButthiswasBethany,theonlyfriendIhadinthiscity.Atleast,Ihopedshewasmy friend “Sexhasneverreallybeenallthatgreatforme,”Iadmitted “Idon’tknowwhatallthefussisabout Idon’tknow,it’s justsoawkward.OhmyGod,Ifeellikesuchanidiottalkingaboutit.”Leaningmyelbowsonthetable,Icoveredmyface. “Oh,Sam”Shepulledmeintoasidehug,rubbingmyback “Youjusthaven’thaditwiththerightperson,that’sall When you meet someone you truly connect with, who takes the time to make sure you enjoy yourself…it’ll be a whole different experience”
Ishookmyhead,pullingaway.“Idoubtthat.Besides,it’snotlikeIhavetimetodate.Thisjobkeepsmebusyenoughasit is.”
“Yousoundlikeadamnnun Trustme,goodsexisworththeeffort,”Bethanyinsisted “There’ssomeone,ormaybe lots of someones,outthereforeveryone,”shesaid,waggingherbrows.“Youjusthavetobepatient.”
“Canwepleasechangethesubject?”Igrabbedmytrash,gotup,andtosseditinthecan,eagertoescapethisconversation Bethanyfollowed,droppinghervoicetoawhisper.“I’msorry.Ididn’tmeantoembarrassyou.Butpromisemeyouwon’t writeoffsexcompletely Whenyoumeettherightperson,itcanbe ”
“Evening,Dr.Thorin.What’sgotyousolostinthought?Inoticedyou’vebeenstandingouthereinthehallwayforawhile now,”saidavoiceIrecognizedasoneofthenightjanitors.
Bethanythrew her hand over her mouth, and I stumbled backwitha yelp Dr Thorinstepped into the doorway, nodding brieflyatthejanitor.“Haveagoodshift,Harold,”hesaidasthemanwalkedpastthedoorway.Hisgazeflickeredbackand forthfromBethanytome,amuscletwitchinginhisjaw
“Atticus!Imean,Dr.Thorin!”Bethanyexclaimed,cheeksflaming.“Whatareyou wewerejust ” Heheldupahand,narrowinghiseyesatme.Mypulsehammeredagainstmytemplesasapanicattackthreatenedtocreepup frommychestandchokeme.He’dbeeneavesdroppingonourconversation.How muchhadheoverheard?Fromthelookon hisface,ithadbeenmorethanenough.
Bethanyshotmeanapologeticgrimaceandhurriedoff,flippinghimthefinger asshewhippedpasthim Now Iwasalone withDr.Thorin,acutelyawareofhisformidablepresenceandthecuriositysimmeringinhisgaze.Mystomachknottedwith nerves,thoughIcouldn’tsayexactlywhy
Iclearedmythroat,desperatetofillthetensesilence.“Didyouneedsomething,Dr.Thorin?”
“No.Butawordofwarning.”Hisvoicewaslow,rough.“Bethanymeanswell,butshehasahabitofmeddlingwhereshe shouldn’t.Whatevershetoldyouaboutme,Isuggestyoudisregardit.”
My cheeks flamed even hotter. So he had overheard enough to know that Bethany was gossiping about him. I stared determinedlyatthefloor,humiliated Ifthatwasthecase,he’dalsoheardustalkingaboutmyridiculouslypatheticsexlife “Iapologizeforanyinappropriatediscussion,”Isaid,thewordsspewingoutofmymouthasifithadamindofitsown.“It won’thappenagain”Somewhereunderthelayersofembarrassment,IknewIhadnothingtoapologizefor,butnootherwords wouldcome.
Hemovedcloser,andIcaughtawhiffofhiscleanscent nocologne,justtheman.“Imightbeanasshole,butdon’tbelieve herridiculousstories I’mnotsomeplayboysleepingmywaythroughthehospitalstaff” “Ineverthoughtthat,”Isaidtooquickly. “No?Whatdidyouthinkthen?”
Idaredtomeethis gaze a mistake.There was a hunger inhis eyes thatmade mypulse stutter.“Nothing.Idon’thave an opiniononyourpersonallife”
Hesmiledslightly,buttheintensityinhiseyesremained,andhispupilswereblownwideopen.“Smartgirl.”
The praise shouldn’t have affected me, but a flush of warmth trickled down my spine. I shifted, unsettled by his fierce perusalandthereactionsofmyowntraitorousbody “Wasthereanythingelse?”Iasked “Yes.”Heleanedinclose,hisbreathhotagainstmyear.“LikeBethanysaid…Therightmancouldshowyouthingsyou’ve neverevendreamedof”
Ijerkedaway,stunnedspeechless.Myskinwasfeverish,hypersensitiveeven,anditmortifiedmetorealizeIwassoturned on Byhim
Witha smuglittle smirk, Dr. Thorinstraightened, clearlypleased bymyreaction. “Just somethingto consider. Carryon, Sammich.”
Hestrolledoutofthedoorwayanddownthehallway,leavingmetostareafterhim,equalpartsbewilderedandinfuriated How darehesaysuchthings?Ididn’tcarehow skilledhewasinbed andsurelythathadbeenexaggeratedanyway.AndI didn’tcarewhatthings hecouldshowme Iwouldn’ttouchhimwithaten-footpole Evenifsometraitorouspartofmewascuriouswhatthose things mightbe.
Chapter Four
Dawnwas clawingits wayacross the sky, draggingwithita bitinglycold autumnmorning. The hospital parkinglotwas desertedexceptforthelaststragglersofthenightshift.AsImademywaytomycar,pullingmycoattightagainstthechill, asoundcaughtmyattention anenginecoughing,desperatelytryingtostart
Across the lot,Samwas strugglingwithher car,grippingthe steeringwheel ofthe little GTIandpleadingwithittostart. Eachofherbreathsfoggedupherwindshieldinlittlewhitepuffsoffrustration
AsIapproached,Inoticedshewasshivering.Herredcurlshadescapedfromtheconfinesofherbraidedponytailandnow framedherfaceinafieryhalo.Hereyeswerenarrowedinirritation.Thebittercoldhadcausedhercreamy,freckledcheeksto flushbrightly.
“Needahand,Samantha?”Icalledout.
She turned, startled, thencomposed herself and cracked openthe window “It’s fine, Dr Thorin I canmanage” But her handswereshaking.
“Here,letmetakealook”Steppingupnexttohercar,Islippedmyhandsintomyleathergloves Itwasn’tnormalformeto playtheGoodSamaritan,butwatchingherstrugglestirredsomethingwithinme.
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll deal with it,” she said, her teeth chattering as she popped the hood. I didn’t wait for her permission before raising it and peering inside. She reluctantly got out, stood beside me, and leaned over. The engine lay exposed,amessofmetalandrubber.Judgingbythehelplesstiltofherhead,itwaslikeanalienworldtoher.
“Haveyoucheckedthebatterylately?”Iasked,myvoicetakingontheclinicaltoneIusedintheED “Doyouknowhowold itis?Maybetheterminalsareloose.”Mybreathfoggedupinthecold,minglingwithhersinthespacebetweenus.
“Um,no,Ihaven’t,andit’sthesamebatteryitcamewithfouryearsago,”Samadmitted,herfingersfumblingwiththecuffs ofherjacketbeforeshepulledherhandsintohersleeves.Thefaintfloralscentofherskindriftedfromher,incongruentwith theodorsofgreaseandgritunderthehood.
“Letme”Inudgedherasidegentlyandreachedin,myhandsinspectingtheconnections Theyweretight Theproblemcould beanything.Carsweren’tmyforte.
“Seemsfinehere,”Imuttered,straighteningup Mygazemethers,andIcouldseethestrainofthenightshiftlingeringinher tiredeyes.“Mightbethestarterorthealternator.Whoknows?”
“Great”Shesighed,apuffofresignationcrystallizinginfrontofherlips “JustwhatIneed” “Let’stryitagain,”Isuggested,closingthehood.
Samslidbackintothedriver’sseatwhileIleanedagainsttheopendoor.Sheturnedthekey,andtheenginesputteredweakly
beforefallingsilentoncemore
“Damnittohell,”shemuttered,herknuckleswhiteasshegrippedthesteeringwheel.
“Seemslikeit’snotyourmorning,”Isaid,unabletosuppressatwingeofsomethingakintoempathy Thiswasnotthekindof struggleIwasaccustomedto.YethereIstood,feelingoddlyhelplessasIwatchedherbattlewithsomethingasmundaneasa deadcar
Shetriedagain,butitstillwouldn’tstart.
“It’snotcatchingatall,”Iobserved “Clearly,” she huffed,thenreachedover androlledupthe window,her snarkiness surfacing.Itwas a defense mechanism, oneIwasbeginningtorecognizealltoowell.Shesteppedoutofthecar,onehandhangingontotheedgeofthewindow.She shookherheadgrimacingatthehood Shewasobviouslyworryingaboutwhattodonext
“Comeon,I’llgiveyoualifthome.Nosenseinstandingouthereandturningintoanicicle.”Igesturedtowardmycar a silentcommandmorethananoffer
“Areyousure?Idon’twanttoimpose.”Shehesitated,wrappingherarmsaroundherselfinafutileattempttokeepwarm. “Ofcourse,Sammich Let’sgetoutofthecold”Thenicknamehadslippedoutunintentionally,afamiliarityIhadn’tplanned Thankfully,shedidn’treactbutturnedtograbacoupleofthingsfromthecar.Aftersheclosedthedoorandlockedit,Iledthe waytomycar,feelingherreluctanceintheslightlagofherfootstepsbehindme. Aswewalked,anoddsensationcreptalongmyspine thestrangenessofcaring,ofbeingdrawnintosomeoneelse’sorbit whenInormallykeptothersatbay.Sam,withherfieryhairanddefiantspirit,wasunsettlinginwaysIcouldn’tquitearticulate. “Thankyou,Dr Thorin Really,”shesaidwhenwereachedmycar “Thinknothingofit.AndcallmeAtticuswhenwe’renotonduty.Iinsist.” “Atticusthen,”sheechoedsoftly.Hearingmyfirstnamerolloffherlipsimmediatelysentanelectriccurrentstraighttomy groin.
The chill of the morning seeped into the Mercedes’s plush interior despite the car’s best efforts to shield us from the elements IglancedatSamassheslidintothepassengerseatandbuckledherbeltwithanairofdiscomfortthatclungtoher likeasecondskin.
“Nicecar,”shesaid,atentativesmilegracingherlipsashergazesweptoverthedashboard’ssleekdesign “Thankyou.”Istartedtheengine,andtheS-Classhummedtolifebeneathus.Itwasamachineaccustomedtoprecisionand power,muchlikeme orsoIlikedtobelieve.
She told me her address, and Ientered itinto the nav. As we pulled awayfromthe hospital, the silence betweenus was charged,alivewireIwasalltooeagertograsp.“Youknow,Samantha,Icouldn’thelpoverhearingyourconversationinthe breakroomearlier,”Iventured,keepingmytonecasual,belyingtheintensityofmycuriosity “Break-roomconversationscan be…enlightening,don’tyouthink?”Icastasidelongglanceather.
Herbodystiffened,hereyeswideningasshefroze Aflushcreptupherneck,betrayinghersuddendiscomfort “Canthey?”Herreplywasevasive.“Oh,thatwasjust…Bethany,youknow,shelikestotease.”
“Does she now?” Myfingers tightened onthe steeringwheel. “And do youalways provide such…intimate fodder for her amusement?”
“Intimateisn’tthewordI’duse,”shesaid,followedbya“hmph”ofdefiance.“Anyway,it’snotlikeIhaveanythingworth sharing”
“Contrary to what you might think, I find the topic quite interesting,” I said pointedly, raising a brow and giving her a chuckle “Especiallyyourapparentlackof shallwesay satisfactoryexperiences”
Her breath hitched, and she turned to stare out the window. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Dr. Thorin. My experienceshavebeenplentysatisfactory.”
“Atticus,” Icorrected firmly, allowingmygaze to linger onthe delicate profile ofher face “We’re notatworknow, are we?”
“Fine Atticus,”sheconcededwithafrostyedge “Butthatdoesn’tmean ”
“Samantha,”Isaidinalowvoice,hernamerollingoffmytonguelikeapromise.“You’veneverbeenproperlyworshiped, haveyou?Neverfeltthetrueliberationoflettinggo?”
“Stopit.”Thewordswereademandcloakedinembarrassment.“Just…stop.” “Apologies,”Isaid,butmyregretwashollow.Iwasintriguedbythisfiery-mouthedwomanwrappedinfrecklesandflame. Shestirredsomethingwithinme,ahungerforredemption mineandperhapsevenhers
Samshifted uncomfortablyinher seat, her eyes dartingto meet mine before skitteringaway. “None of that’s anyof your business,Dr Thorin”
“Atticus,” I said, correctingher again. “And perhaps not, but it intrigues me nonetheless. Besides, you’re the one openly talkingaboutitinthebreakroom.”Thethoughtofbeingtheonetounravelher,toguidehertounexploredheightsofpleasure, sentathrillofanticipationthroughme.Thiswasmorethanmereattraction;itwasachallenge,apuzzlebeggingtobesolved. “Atticus!”shehissed,sayingthenamelikeitwasstuckinherthroat.
Silencestretchedbetweenusoncemore.
Whenwepulledintoherapartmentcomplex,Iwasstruckbythebleaknessoftheneighborhood.Herapartmentbuildingand thesurroundingstructureswereinasadstateofdisrepair Aflickerofconcernignitedwithinme Samdeservedbetterthanthis a decentplace to call home. Wait…whydid Icare where she lived? Yet, as she thanked me and stepped outofthe car, a protectiveinstinctroaredtolife,unbiddenandfierce
“Becareful!”Icalledafterher,watchingasshenavigatedthecrackedpavementtowardtheentrance.
“Alwaysam,”shetossedbackoverhershoulder Icontinuedtowatchherasshewalkedaway.Suddenly,amovementintheshadowscaughtmyeye.
“Sam!”agruffvoicesaid,penetratingthewindowsofmycar.Amanstaggeredtowardher,hisgaitunsteadyandpredatory. HelungedatSam,hishandsnappingouttoclampontoherarmwithbrutal force Theroughnessofhisgripwasjarring His tensemusclesandbaredteethmadeitclearhewasfurious.
“Letgoofme,Mac!” Samshrieked,her breathvisible inthe frigidair,minglingwiththe fogthatshroudedthe scene ina ghostlyveil.
“Helpme,goddammit!Iknowyougotmoney,”Macgrowled Hiswordswereslurred,butthethreatwasunmistakable I slipped out of the car, myheart poundingat the sight of Sam’s terror. Their voices grew louder as the intensityof the altercationincreased,andIwasabletostepcloser,unnoticed.
“Helpyou?”shescreamed,tryingtowrenchherarmfree “ImovedtoTacomato escape you,togetasfarfromAberdeen andyourmessasIcould!”
“Escape?Youthinkyoucanjust leave,asifIneverexisted?”Machissed “Youruinedmylife,girl” “Howdidyouevenfindmehere?”
“Gotmyways,”hesneered,tighteninghisgrip.“Youoweme,youlittle ” “Oweyou?”Samspatback.“Idon’toweyouanything.Youruinedeverything,notme!” “Money,Sam!Or meds,”hedemanded,his words aguttural growl.Theman’s desperationwas araw,uglywoundfor the worldtosee “Grabsomefromthehospital Thatshouldbeeasyenoughforafancynurselikeyou” Sam’s response was a bitter laugh. “Idon’thave anymoney. And the hospital’s meds are secured. EvenifIwanted to, I couldn’t!”sheshouted,herdefianceflaringdespitehertrembling “Everything’slockeduptight justlikeIwishyouwere!” “Givemesomething,orIswear…”Mac’sthreathungincomplete,buttheimplicationwasclear.
The ugliness of the exchange was obviously a prelude to something darker. Mac’s eyes were wild, bloodshot, and calculating apredatorpushedtothebrink. “Helpme,or ”
“Orwhat,Dad?”shecuthimoff,hervoicerising “You’llbeatme?Stalkme?Hauntme?You’realreadynothingmorethana ghostofafather amanIwishI’dneverknown.”
Icreptcloser,readytointervene,butheldback,absorbingthecomplexityoftheirrelationship Sam’sstrugglewaswrittenin thetensionofherstance,thesetofherjaw.Shewasawarriorstandingherground.
“Don’tsassme,girl,”Machissed.“Playtoughandseewhathappens.”Thenhejerkedheraroundbythearm.
Myhandsclenchedintofistsatmysides,andmymuscleswerecoiled,everysenseonhighalert “Getawayfromme!”sheyelled,hervoicebreaking.
“Remember,Icantakeawayeverythingyou’vebuilt”Mac’sshadowloomedoverherashishandformedafist “Overmydeadbody,”shemutteredtoherself,butIheardit apromiseofsurvival. “Enough!”Iroared,myvoicesteadybutlacedwithafurythatsurprisedevenme “Leaveheralone” Theywhippedaroundtofaceme.Twopairsofeyes,widewithshock,staredatme onepaircloudedbyintoxication,the other shimmering with unshed tears. Sam’s gaze held a wordless plea, as though she was silently begging me not to get involved
“Whothehellareyou?”Macsnarled,sizingmeupwithadisdainfulglance.
“None ofyour fuckingbusiness,” Ianswered, steppingcloser to the scumbagthatwas Sam’s father “Iwon’tletyouhurt her.”
“Stayoutofthis,Dr Thorin,”Samwarned,buthervoicewavered,herbravadoslippingaway “Can’tdothat.”Ishookmyheadandtookanothersteptowardthem.“NotwhensomeoneI ” I cut myself off before I finished that thought, aware of the line I was teetering on, the boundary between professional concernand personal involvement Butas Ilooked into Sam’s eyes, Irealized thatline had beencrossed, and there was no goingback.
The cold had alreadyseeped into mybones, but the chill that randownmyspine now was different primal, defensive Sam’sbreathhitchedasMac’sgriptightenedaroundherslenderarm,hisfingersdigginginlikethetalonsofaraptorclaiming itsprey.Thesighttriggeredsomethinginme,aninstincttoprotect.
“Hey!Lethergo!”Iyelled,myheartpoundingtotherhythmofmyquickeningfootsteps.Themanswungheraround,andher facepaledinterror.
“Getyour handsoffher!”Iadvanced,readytounleashtherageandfuryI’dbeenrestrainingthusfar.Samdeservedbetter thanthis betterthanhim.AndwhetherIwantedtoadmititornot,Icaredaboutwhathappenedtoher.Damnitall,Icared.
“Unhand her,” I commanded, my voice low and resonant with a menace I rarely allowed to surface This wasn’t the controlledenvironmentoftheED;thiswasrawandunscripted.
Sam’sfaceflushedwithembarrassment AmuffledpleaescapedherlipsasshetriedtowrigglefreefromMac’sgrasp,but heonlyclutchedhercloser,hisbodyswayingwithintoxication.
“Stayouttathis,buddy,”Macslurred,spittleflyingfromhismouth “Familymatter” “Let!Her!Go!”Ishouted.Eachwordpunctuatedtheair,aclearwarningshot.
ButMacwastoofargone,lostinhisowndespairandanger.HeyankedSamagainsthim,causinghertostumble. Icouldn’tstandbyanylonger Intwostrides,Iclosedthedistancebetweenus Myyearsofmartialartstrainingkickedin, andmyhandshotout,grippingMac’swrist,twistingitjustenoughtobreakhisholdonSamwithoutsnappingabone.Withmy otherhand,Idrovetheheelofmypalmupwardintohisnose
Shrieking,hestumbledbackasastringofcursesflewfromhismouth.
“Atti ”Samstartedtoprotest
“Stepback,Sam,”Iinstructed,keepingmyeyeslockedonMac’s,whichwerewildwithrage.
With Mac momentarily disoriented, I shifted my stance, sliding behind him and locking my arm around his neck. The chokeholdwastightbutcontrolled Iwasn’taimingtoharm,merelytoincapacitate Hisstruggleswerefiercebutfutile Ihad theadvantageofsobrietyanddiscipline.
“Ifyouevertouchheragain,”Ihissedfiercelyintohisear,“Iwillkillyou”
Mac’sbodywentlimpasherealizedtheseriousnessofmythreat,thefinalityinmytone.Foramoment,therewassilence saveforourraggedbreathingandthedistanthumofthecitywakingup.
“Okay, okay!” he rasped. Ireleased myhold incrementally, ensuringSamwas well outofhis reachbefore lettinghimgo completelyandgivinghimashove.
Hestumbledforward,catchinghimselfagainstthegrimywall,andIputmyselfbetweenhimandSam “Getlost,Mac,”Isaid,leavingnoroomforargument.“Shedoesn’twantyouhere.”
“Fine,” he spat, backingawaybut throwinga venomous lookover his shoulder “But this isn’t over, Sam Not bya long shot.”
Withoutanotherword,hedisappeared,meltingbackintotheshadowshe’demergedfrom.Forafleetingmoment,gratitude washedover Sam’sfeaturesandher eyessoftened,butitwasswiftlyreplacedbyaflushofembarrassmentthatcreptupher neckandspreadacrossherface.Hermouthopenedslightly,asiftosaythanks,butthenclosedabruptly,herlipspressingintoa thin line of discomfort I wanted to reach out and hug her, to assure her that she wasn’t alone, but I hesitated, suddenly uncertain.
“Areyouokay?”Myquestionwasterse Theadrenalinethatstillcoursedthroughmyveinswasaffectingevenmyspeech “Y-yes,thankyou,”shemanaged,tuckingastraycurlbehindherear.
“Will he come back?” I asked, though I knew the answer. Men like him always circled back to where they perceived weakness
“Probably,”shereplied,hervoicebarelyaboveawhisperassheattemptedtoregainhercomposure. Withashiver,shewrappedherarmsaroundherself,fightingofftheremnantsoffearorperhapsthecold Icouldn’ttell My concernforherwelledup,jumblingwithafrustrationaboutmyinabilitytoimmediatelyfixwhatwasbrokeninherworld.
“Thankyou, Atticus,” she said, liftingher eyes to meetmygaze, a silentacknowledgmentofthe line we’d justcrossed fromprofessionalboundariestopersonalentanglements.
“Anytime.”Itwasmorethanjustacourteousresponse itwasapromise.“Let’sgetyouinside.You’recoldandshaking.” “No,”shesaidquickly,almostreflexively “I Icanmanage” “Areyousure?”
“Please,Atticus,just leave itbe” Her eyes pleadedwithme for understanding or perhaps for the distance she thought sheneeded.
“Allright,”Iconceded,theuneasesettlingheavierinmygut Withthat,sheturnedtoascendthestepstoherapartment.
“Samantha,wait!”Icalledafter her,runninguptothelandinghalfwayupthestairs.“Wouldyouliketotalkaboutit?That man he’syourfather,isn’the?Andclearly,you’reterrifiedofhim andrightfullyso” “Terrifiedisastrongword.IcanhandleMacSheridan.”
“Doesn’tlooklikehandlinghimissomethingyoushouldbedoingalone,”Isaid,takingastepcloser “Thankyou…forbackthere,”shemurmured,herfocusshiftingtotheground.“ButIdon’tneedsaving,Dr.Thorin.” “Atticus,” I corrected her softly. “Call me Atticus. And it’s not about savingyou. It’s about not lettinganyone harmyou again.”
“Again?”Shebarkedoutalaugh,butitwashollow.“Youthinkthiswasthefirsttime?”
“Letmewalkyoutoyourdoor,”Isaid,ignoringherjadedness.“It’stheleastIcando.” Samhesitated,herteethtuggingatherlowerlip.“Youdon’thavetodothis.You’vedoneenough.” “Indulgeme” Shegavemeasmallnod,andwecontinuedupthestairsinsilence. “Nothingtosay?”Iproddedgentlywhenwereachedher door Likeeverythingelsearoundhere,itwasinpoor repair,its paintflakinglikeoldscars.
“Whatdoyouwantmetosay,Atticus?”Samfacedme,heldherpalmsup,andgavemeadefiantscowl “Thatmylife’sa mess?ThatI’vegotafatherwho’smoremonsterthanman?ThatI’mscaredhe’llcomeback?” “Anyofthosewouldbeastart,”Isaid,leaningagainstthewall.“Talkinghelps.” “Maybeforsome,butI’vespentyearstryingtoforget Talkingonlymakesitmorereal makesmethinkaboutit” “Sometimesrealityneedstobefaced,”Isaid,knowingall toowell thedemonsthatcouldhauntthosewhotriedtoescape theirpast
“FacingrealityiswhatIdoeverydayintheED,”shesnapped.“Idon’tneedtofacemoreofitathome.” “Homeshouldbeyoursanctuary,Samantha Notanotherplacefilledwithstressandanxiety” “Sanctuary,”sherepeatedbitterly.“Soundsnice.Iwasjustbeginningtofeellikethisplacewasasaferefuge…thatis,until Macshowedup.”
“Let’sgoinside,”Isuggested,butsheshookherhead “No…Iappreciatetherideand…therescue.Butthisiswhereyouleave.”
As Istood there inthatshadowycorridor thatreeked ofmildew, anunwelcome twinge ofhelplessness hitme Samantha Sheridan,withherfieryhairandbattle-scarredheart,waspushingmeaway,andallIwantedwastopullhercloser.
“Allright,”Iconceded,carefulnottoletmyvoicebetrayanyofmyinnerconflict.“Butifyouneedanything anythingatall youcallme.”
“Sure,”shesaidwithanod,thoughwebothknewshewouldn’t.
She paused, then fogged the air witha sigh as she lifted her chin Her eyes were a tumultuous sea, and I could see her wrestlingwiththestormwithin.
“Really, I’mfine It’s no bigdeal,” she said too quickly She was lying, and we bothknew it “Besides, I don’t want to burdenyouwithmyproblems.Idon’tneedworktobeawkwardforeitherofus.”
“Burden?”Icounteredsoftly.“Samantha,Ithinkafterwhatjusthappened,we’repastprofessionalformalities.Please,letme help.”
Sheshookherhead,andacoupleofstraycurlsbouncedalongtheedgesofherface.
“Atticus,Iappreciatewhatyoudid,butIcanhandlemyownlife,”sheinsisted “Letme come inandhave a cupofcoffee atleast?” Iasked,steppingcloser.The thoughtofleavingher alone,especially now,twistedsomethingdeepinsideme
“Thank you, but no. My place isn’t… It’s not somewhere I bring people,” she said as a flush crept across her freckled cheeks.
“Samantha ”
“Please,Atticus.”Therewasafinalityinhertone,apleaformetodropthesubject.
“Okay,”thewordtastedlikeashonmytongue “Butifyoueverdowanttotalkorneedanything ” “Iknowwheretofindyou,”shefinishedforme,afaintsmiletouchingherlipsbutfailingtoreachhereyes.
“Seeyouatwork,Samantha,”Isaid,watchingherturnawayandunlockthedoor “Seeyoulater,Dr.Thorin.”Sheslippedinsideandclosedthedoorwithoutlookingback.
As she disappeared into the relative safetyofher apartment, anunfamiliar knottightened inmygut. Who was this woman whocompelledmetoviolence,whostirredinmetheneedtoprotect?AndwhatwouldIdoaboutit?
ThechilloftheautumnmorningbitatmyskinasItrudgeddownthecreakingsteps.Thesoundofherdoorlockingbehindme reverberatedlikeajudge’sgavel final,resolute
Asirenwailed inthe distance. Itwas a familiar sound thatusuallyspurred me into action, butnow itonlydeepened the furrowbetweenmybrows WhydidIevencareabouther?SamanthaSheridanwasnothingmorethananurseIworkedwith aparticularlysnarkyoneatthat.
“Dammit,” I hissed as I kicked at an abandoned can, sending it clattering across the parking lot. This was ridiculous. I shouldn’tbeworryingaboutawomanwhowassodamagedbyothermenthatshewouldn’tevenconsidergivingmeachance tocomeinforacupofcoffee.Ipausedforamoment,leaningagainstthecoolmetalofmycar.Myhandsfoundtheirwaytomy pocketswhileIstaredupatthedilapidatedbuildingshecalledhome
“Getyourheadoutofyourass,Thorin,”Iscoldedmyself.“You’renotsomeknightinshiningarmor;you’readoctor aman who’snevercaredenoughtobecaughtupinthiskindofmess.”
Finally,Igotinandslammedthedoorshut,thenturnedthekeyintheignition.Theengine’sgrowlfilledthesilencearound me.IknewIshoulddriveawayandneverlookback,leavehertodealwithherdemonsonherown.ItwaswhatIwasgoodat
detachment,disinterest.Buttheimageofhershivering,thedefianceinhervoiceasshe’drejectedmyhelp,gnawedatme. “Focus, Atticus,” I muttered, using the commanding tone that had always brought order to my chaotic thoughts. The car vibratedbeneathme,eagertomoveaway,butmythoughtsraced WhatwasIdoing?WhywasIconsideringgettinginvolvedin herworld?
Theflashoffearonherfacewhenhe’dgrabbedherhadbeenunmistakable,andithaddonesomethingtome Anddespite everything,despitemybetterjudgment,Iwantedtoerasethatfearandreplaceitwith…what?Security?Comfort?
“Shit,” I groaned, resting my forehead against the steering wheel This was not about being the hero it was about a connectionthatthreatenedtounraveltheveryfabricofmycarefullyconstructedexistence.
The drive home was a blur my thoughts a maelstrom. My usual certainty had abandoned me, replaced by unfamiliar indecision Partofme wanted to delve deeper, to solve the mysterythatwas Samantha Sheridan, to understand the shadows that danced behind those vivid blue eyes. Another part, the rational side that had governed mylife thus far, urged caution. Involvementmeantcomplication,andSam’semotionalbaggagemightendupbeingmorethanIbargainedfor
BythetimeIreachedmytownhouse,theskyhadbrightened.Anewdaywasdawning.Isatthereinthesilenceofmygarage, theengineidling,wrestlingwithemotionsthatwerebothalienandintoxicating Withasigh,Ikilledtheignitionandstepped outofthecar.
“Damnit,Atticus!”Ishouted,rakingahandthroughmyhair.“Whatareyoudoing?” Islammedthedoorandheadedinside,unabletoshakethedisquietingsensethatmylifewasnolongerentirelymyown Lazily,Iremovedmyscrubsandcollapsedontomybed.Thesunlightcreptthroughtheblinds,castingbarsofgoldacrossthe room
ButIcouldn’tsleep. As Iturned over for the umpteenthtime, Iwondered whatthe nextshiftwould bring. Would Sambe there,hergazemeetingminewiththesamedefianceasbefore?Orwouldshefadeaway,justanothernurseinthecorridorsof theED?
Onlytime would tell. But one thingwas certain I was inexplicably, irrevocablydrawnto the flame that was Samantha Sheridan,andwhetherI’dgetburnedremainedtobeseen
I lay in bed, restless, staring at the ceiling, unable to shake the thoughts of Samfrommy mind. Goddammit, I couldn’t understandwhatitwasaboutherthathadmesowoundup Myhandsliddowntomycock,whichwasalreadyhalf-hardasI thoughtabouther.Istartedstrokingmyselfslowly,hopingtorelievesomeofthetensionthathadbeenbuildingwithinme.
Ithadbeenalongandexhaustingnightatthehospital,andthenI’dhadtodealwithSam’sbruteofafather.AsIdriftedoffto sleep,mymindbegantoblur thelinesbetweenrealityandfantasy.Inthehazeofmydream,Isaw Samanthastandingbefore me,completelynude.Herthick,curlyredhaircascadeddownoverherbreasts.Hercreamypaleskinwasdottedwithfreckles, and soft reddish-goldencurls teased the edges ofher pussy The sight ofher made mybreathhitch Her piercingblue eyes staredrightatme.Shereachedformydick,andsuddenly,itwasherhandwrappedaroundmeinsteadofmyown.
My pulse quickened, and the dreamshifted I found myself tied to a straight-backed chair, hands behind my back, sharp bindings biting into my ankles, wrists, and shoulders. Panic set in when I realized I’d lost all control, something I never allowedwithanywoman.Itwentagainstmyeveryinstincttorelinquishcontrol.Samanthastoodoverme,awickedgrinonher faceasshecontinuedtostrokemynowthrobbingcock
“Watchme,”shecommanded,hervoicesultryanddominant.Itriednottoshowmyunease,butitwashardtodenythethrill ofbeingather mercy As mydickswelled under her touch, somethinginside me gave way Perhaps itwas exhaustion, butI allowedmyselftosubmittoherfully.WhenshesawthatIwassurrendering,shewhispered,“Goodboy.”Thewordsmademy cocktwitchandgrowevenharder
Irelinquishedeverylastshredofcontrol.Iwashers body,mind,andsoul.Shehadbrokenthroughmydefensesandfound apartofmethatI’dnever evenknownexisted.Andnomatter how muchitscaredme,Irealizedtherewas noturningback. Whatthefuckwashappeningtome?WhyhadIgivenupcontrolsoeasilytothiswomanwhohadinvadedmythoughts?Butthe intensityofthemomentcompelledmetofocusonhertouch.
MychesttightenedasIwatchedSamantha’stalentedhandsworktheir magiconmydick Shecuppedandteasedmyballs, sending shivers up my spine. The way she looked at me with those naughty blue eyes made her movements even more provocative
“Likewhatyousee?”sheasked,hervoicedrippingwithseduction.
Iwantednothingmorethantotouchher,buttherestraintskeptmeincheck.Itwasmaddening.Iwasathermercy,andyetI didn’twantitanyotherway
Samantha smirked and lowered her head, her longhair tumblingover mythighs like silk. Her lips hovered justabove my achingcock, and thenshe finallywentdownonme, takingme into the warmthofher mouth Mybreathcaughtinmythroat whenshelickedtherimofmyhead,teasingthesensitivefrenulumwitheachstroke.
For sometimeshecontinuedlickingandsucking,andsoonIfeltmyselfapproachingtheedge.Theintensityofthemoment wasthreateningtoconsumemeentirelywhensuddenlyshewithdrewherlipsfrommycockandstoodbeforeme,acoysmile playingonherfulllips.