To all the women who remember the obsession of young love.
AboutThisBook
ContentWarnings
PronunciationGuide
1.Chapter1
2 Chapter2
3.Chapter3
JournalEntry1
4.Chapter4
5 Chapter5
6.Chapter6
JournalEntry2
7.Chapter7
JournalEntry3
8.Chapter8
JournalEntry4
9.Chapter9
10 Chapter10
11.Chapter11
JournalEntry5
12.Chapter12
13 Chapter13
14.Chapter14
15 Chapter15
16.Chapter16
17.Chapter17
JournalEntry6
18.Chapter18
19.Chapter19
20.Chapter20
21.Chapter21
22.Chapter22
23.Chapter23
24 Chapter24
25.Chapter25
26.Chapter26
27.Chapter27
28.Chapter28
29.Chapter29
Letter1
30.Chapter30
31.Chapter31
32.Chapter32
Letter2
33 Chapter33
AlsobyKatiMcRae
Acknowledgements
Let'sConnect
AbouttheAuthor
About This Book
Do you know what you do to me, Willow Baker? My thoughts of you are turning into obsession Your appetites are dark, and you crave someone who is not afraid to go to the most depraved depths of human desire. Which is why I want you to run from me, not toward me I want you to fear me. I want you to know the darkest parts of me because only then will you truly be mine. Run, malishka Because when I catch you, I will never let you go
Aleksandr Kurochkinis the charmingandmysterious sonofAndarusia’s president.Atschool,he’s knownas Prince Alek, and he rules the students and staffwithanironfist He and his friends zero inonWillow as their nexttarget, butwhenshe pushesbackagainsttheirbullying,theiranticsescalatewithdangerousconsequences.
Please check the author’s website for TWs: www.katimcrae.com/content-warnings
Content Warnings
Love to Fear You isadark,bullyromance Thisbookisintendedforaudiencesagedeighteenandolder
Some of the characters are as young as seventeen years old, including the lead characters, and they engage in graphic situationsinvolvingsexandviolence Ifthatmakesyouuncomfortable,thisstorymaynotbeforyou
Love to Fear You isaworkoffiction,andIdonotcondoneorglorifytheactionstakenbythecharactersinthisnovel.
Abuseofteenminors,bloodplay,bullying,classwarfare,death&murder,deathofaparent,depression,dubiousconsent& non-consensual sex, exhibitionism/voyeurism, graphic &offensive language, graphic sex, graphic sexinvolvingteenminors, graphic violence, group sex, humiliation & degradation, kidnapping, knife & gun play in sexual situations, knife & gun violence, primal kink, political unrest, racism, revenge porn, stalking, terminal illness, underage drinking& smoking, vivid suicidalideations.
NOTE: All referencestoteenminorsandunderageactivitiesinvolvecharactersnoyounger thantheageofseventeen Sex occursbetweencharacterswhenoneisseventeenyearsold(aminor)andtheotheriseighteenyearsold(anadult).
Bullyingcanhappenat anyage inmanydifferent forms If youor a loved one are a victimof bullyingor cyberbullying (including revenge porn), please visit: https://www.cybersmile.org/advice-help for a list of resources, including suicide prevention
We’ve been in this position for four minutes, and even with the extended pleasure condom, this guy is on the verge of blowinghisload
I wouldn’t call this fun, but I’mnot ready for it to end. Because the moment it does, reality settles in and threatens to suffocateme.
AloudgruntfillsthemustycabasChad or is it Brad? driveshimselfupward,pausingatthetop Hisexpressiontwists intoanunflattering“O”facebeforeheslumpsontheseat.
Iguesswe’redonehere
I climb off and settle beside him, shoving his legs out of the way. Empty beer bottles and used gym socks litter the floorboardsamongoldfoodwrappers,alongwithmypanties
Since I’mstill seventeen, custodygoes to mydad who lives onthe other side ofthe world ina small, easternEuropean country no one’s ever heard of. He and my momdivorced when I was four, and I only see himwhen he comes home for Christmas
They call me Willow the Nympho at school. The entire senior class knows I’m always down for a blow job behind the bleachersoraquickieintheboys’bathroom.
Ihavealotofsex,andI’mgoodatit Itmakesmepopularwiththeguys Withthegirls,notsomuch Emily said her boyfriend gave her chlamydia after sleeping with Willow. Watch your boyfriends because Willow doesn’t care if they’re taken Nasty slut I heard she took two dicks at once. How does that even work?
Fortherecord,Idon’thavechlamydia.
Iwasn’talways Willow the Nympho.Until lastyear,these jocks didn’tevenknow myname because Ikepttomyself.My nosewasalwaysinabook.Igotgoodgradeslikegoodgirlsdo.
It’shardtoremembertheversionofmymompre-cancer.WhenIthinkofmymothernow,allIseeishergray,lifelesscorpse beforetheyliftedthesheetoverherhead animagepainfullytattooedonmybrain Momwas vibrantand brightonce, and whenshe walked into a room, the clouds parted to letthe sunshine in. She was a strong,singlemother,givingmetheloveoftwoparentstomakeupforDad’sabsenceaftertheirdivorce.Herandmeagainst theworld.
The first time I had sex, I forgot about medicationschedules and oxygentanks and the smell of sickness lingeringinthe house.Theescapewasfleeting,butitmademerealizeIwasfloatingthroughmylife,disconnectedfromeverythingaroundme. Losingmyselfinphysicalpleasurebecamemysolace.
Eventhoughitwas onlya few days ago,Idon’tremember muchfromMom’s funeral The service andsubsequentreception passedbyinablur.Mydadtookcareofalltheplanningandputtingthe“estateinorder,”whateverthatmeans. Buthedidn’tbothertocome.Hewasabouttogivemeanotherlameexcuseinvolvingwork,butIhungupthephonebefore hecould.
Isatinthisexactspotonthesofaaspeoplecameuptomeofferingcondolences,butthat’sthelastthingyouwantwhena lovedonedies.Everytimesomeonesays, I’m so sorry for your loss,itreopensthewoundalloveragain.It’scruel,butpeople areexpectedtosayitanyway
Hedoesn’trealizethejuvenilepompandcircumstancedoesn’tmatter Nothingmatters “Well,we’llmissyou,”hesays.“Whatwillwedoforentertainmentaroundhere?” Ilaughagain, butthis time it’s hollow. Mygraduatingclass won’tremember me as anythingbesides Willow the Nympho, reducedtotheplaythingofthefootballteam.Likeausedtoybeingpassedarounduntiltheygrowbored.
Myarousal seeps downthe lengthofTyler’s cock, lubricatinghis movements as he drills harder and faster into me. His fingersarediggingintomyassthroughthefabricofmydress,guidingmeasIrockagainsthimandchasethatelusive,delicious pleasure
It’s gone, but the reminder is still outlined ina thinlayer of dust where the frame sat And the large, emptyspace might swallowmewholeifIstareatitlongenough.
We find mybaggage carousel, butittakes a while for the luggage to arrive. Alongmomentofawkward silence stretches betweenus,andIwaitwithmyarmsfoldedacrossmychest.
HerecoilswhenIcurse,andthoughhislipssetintoathinline,hedoesn’tsayanything Withoutanother word, he leads me outside toward the pickup area. Ablastofcold air hits me whenwe head throughthe automaticdoors,andIstickmyhandsintothefrontpocketsofmysweatshirt Thechillpiercesthroughmyjoggersandraises goosebumpsonmyskinfromheadtotoe.Ishudder.ComparedtosouthTexas,thisweatherisinhospitableforhumanlife. Lookingoutbeyondtheairportisalargeexpanseofflat,openfieldsoftallgrass Therearenomountains,andIcan’tmake
The rest of the car ride passes in silence When we reach the outskirts of Olininburg, the flatlands give way to austere Soviet-erahousingblocks,aseaofconcreteagainstagraysky. There’snothingwelcomingaboutit Evenpeoplewalkingthestreetsseemtohateithere Wepassoverabridge,whereariverlinedbytreesseparatesthehavesfromthehave-nots.Infact,I’dsaywepassedintoa differentcountryifIdidn’tknowanybetter.
The car pulls up to the curb infrontofa residence, whichis the corner propertyatthe end ofa longrow ofTudor-style cottages. My father is the first out of the car. I grab my purse and follow his lead, and Ivan unloads my suitcase onto the sidewalk.
“Thankyou,sir.”Ivanbowshisheadtowardmyfatherbeforegivingmeafriendlysmile,thendisappearsintothetowncar. My dad reaches for my suitcase and rolls it through the short iron gate marking the edge of the property The lawn is immaculatewithevenlycutgrassandbright,floweringshrubs.Itstrikesmeasmoreofasuburbanfamilyhomethanabachelor pad
“Ihadanextrasetofkeysmade,”hesays,slippinghisownintothedoor.“I’veleftthemonthekitchentableforyou.” I’mnotsurewhatIwasexpectingmyfather’shometolooklike,butIthoughtitwouldfeelmorefamiliar.Liketherewould be masculine touches ofhimthroughoutthe house Instead,it’s decoratedwithcountry-style furniture inshades ofpastel and floral. Artworkdepictingvarious pastoral scenes hangfromthe walls, and a citrusyaroma lingers inthe air. It’s cozyand lived-in
He rolls the suitcase across the hardwoodfloors andthroughthe door intomybedroom.Ididn’texpectmuchmore thana spareguestroom,sincemydadonlyhadthreeweeks’noticeofmyarrival,leavinghimlittletimetoprepareforateenagegirl
“The bathroomis across the hall,” mydad says “I, uh, guess I’ll leave youto it Galina usuallyhas dinner readyaround seven,butifyougethungrybeforethen,justletherknow,andshecanwhipupasnack.”
“Andarusia has a major wealth disparity,” my dad explains. “The Labor Party represents the working class, and they’re alwaysshowinguptoprotestateventslikethese.There’sagrowing‘eattherich’sentimenthere,buttheprotestsareusually peaceful”
The road is darkbeneaththe twilight sky. I start to wonder if we’ve takena wrongturn, but Ivanslows the car whena wrought-irongatematerializesahead.Militaryguardsstandoneithersideofthegatewithmachineriflesintheirhands,andI shrinkbackintomyseatwhentheyapproachus
Deep breath, Willow Plaster that fake-ass smile on your pretty face Awaiterinawhitecoatpassesbywithatrayofchampagne.Ipluckoneoftheglassesoffashewalksby,butbeforeIcan tasteit,it’sgone
Iroundbackonhim “DoIlooklikeIgiveafuckaboutwhat’s‘customary?’” Mydadflinchesasthoughmycursewordwasaknife,andheglancesaroundatthepeoplestaringatus. “Willow, please behave,” he whispers “This is an important work function, and you are representing the United States tonight.Ambassadorsfromaroundtheworldarehere.”
The receivingline dwindles quickly, and soonwe’re next. There’s a tall womanbeside the president, and I’mstartingto wonderifthere’ssomethingintheBalticgenepoolthatmakeseveryoneastallasagiraffe
Her blonde hair is done upina bun,andnota strandis outofplace.Ablack,strapless gownhighlights her svelte figure. Makeup?Immaculate Nails?Perfectandsharp,likeclaws
He puts his hand onmybackto lead me to his nextnetworkingopportunity, butIshrughimoff Iskulkbehind himas we approachanotherwhitedudeinasuit,andwhenwedo,thecouplehe’stalkingtodispersesintothecrowd.
Hans raises a hand to cut my father off. “It’s alright. It’s a fair question. The leaders of this country need to be held accountablefor their actions.”Heturnshisroughgazeontome.“WhatisittheAmericanssay?Oh,yes. Keep your enemies close That’swhyI’mhere”
I follow his gaze, and at the entrance of the ballroom, the Kurochkins are lined up, shaking hands and greeting the newcomers.AsIstareatAleksandr,Irakemylipbetweenmyteeth.
“Hans here is quite popular inAndarusia,” mydad interjects, breakingthe tense silence. “You’ll see his speeches onTV often”
Thenearestexitisaglassdoor,soIbolttowardit.Achillhitsmewhenthedoorswingsopen,whichleadsontoaspacious balconyoverlookinga vastgarden Goldenlightfromthe ballroomsplashes across the stone pavers, and Isetoffdownthe steps.
Thenightisfreezing,andIwrapmyfur tighter aroundmyshoulders.Ididn’tdresstobeoutsidetonight.Alittlefur isnot enoughto protectme fromthe harshAndarusianweather, and roughgoosebumps eruptacross myskin. ButI’d rather die of hypothermiathangobackinside.It’snotmypreferredwaytogoout,butithasitsmerits.
Maybe Idon’twanta gentleman. Maybe Iwantto be manhandled, to be roughed up so hard iterases this painwithnew scars
“Thenkeep me warmanother way.” Ireachdownbetweenus, placingmyhand over his groin. Myfingers snake pastthe openingofhisthickcoat,buthestopsmebeforeIcangetafeelofhim.
“Theyare downthere, and we are up here. Remember this moment. Itis our dutyto keep themintheir place, to maintain order.Itisadelicatebalance.Toomuchbloodshedanditdrawsinternationalattention.Thisiswhyweallowthemjustenough hopetokeepthemgoing,butthemomentitgetsoutofhand ”
Myfatherturnsawayfromthewindowandtakeshisseatbehindthedesk.Ifollow,takingoneofthechairsinfrontofhim. “Aleksandr,remember these lessons,” he says.“Iamhardonyoubecause youstill have a longwaytogo.Youare onthe cuspofadulthood,anditistimeyoutoughenup Someoneisalwaysinthewingswaitingtostealyourpower,andthemoment youshowanyhintofweakness,theywillstrike.”
“Ihavenointerestinher,”Isay,keepingmyvoicelevel “Good. We can’t have Andarusia’s future president involved with an American. It sends the wrong message to Russia. Rememberwhereourloyaltieslie.”
“Yes, Otets. ”
“Show themotherlandyouaregrateful for their support.Their moneyfeedsyou.Clothesyou.Providesthesameluxurious lifewhichhasmadeyousoft You’veneverhadtotakepowerbecauseitwashandedtoyou You’veneverhadtoworkforit ThatisthedifferencebetweenyouandI.”
Ishrugoffthe navyblazer, whichhas the school’s red lioncrestembroidered onthe chest, and Iunbuttonthe white shirt underneath.Itcomeswithatie,butmaybeIcangetawaywithwearingitloose,likeSerenafrom Gossip Girl.AtleastIcan pullofftheknee-highsocks.
“Haveagooddayatschool!”Galinacallsafterme Ivanis alreadywaitingfor me onthe curb whenIcome downthe frontwalkway, and he opens the door for me to settle insidethetowncar
“WhereisMr.Baker?”heasks.
“He’snotcoming It’sjustmetoday”
Ivandoesn’taskanyotherquestions.Heclimbsintothedriver’sseatandwetakeoffthroughtown,andItrytomemorizethe route. The streetsigns are inGermanonthis side ofthe river, as far as I’ve noticed, so they’re easier to read thanRussian Cyrillic
“Yes,” he explains inhis thickaccent “That is correct But before World War II, this land was part of East Prussia and heavilyinfluencedbyGermanlanguageandculture.Itwasn’tuntilafterthewarthisregioncameunderSovietcontrol.Many Germanpeoplewerepushedoutorpunishedforspeakingtheirnativetongue,buttheirinfluenceisstillallaroundus” “Oh,Iguessthatmakessense.”
Ivangivesmeagentlesmileintherearviewmirror.“Enjoyyourfirstday,MissWillow.” I slingmybagover myshoulder and climb out of the car, and nearbystudents glance inmydirection. Keepingmyhead down,Ishovemyhandsintomypocketsandignorethestaring.
Theybothgivemeaonceover,theircoldeyespassingjudgmentonmebeforetheyscoff Oneofthegirlsbeginsspeakingto meinRussian,butdespitethelanguagebarrier,hertoneisclear: You’re not welcome here.
“Youknowwhat?ForgetIasked,bitch.”It’snotlikeshecanunderstandwhatI’msaying. Eager to get away fromthem, I push open the heavy oak door into the castle before letting it close behind me with an ominousthud.
It appears to be a photographfromthe openingof the school, but Mr. Kurochkinisn’t smilingincelebration. Evenfrom decadesaway,hishostilegazeisterrifying.
He sets his papers downonthe deskandfolds his hands,andhe studies me over the rimofhis glasses “I’mHeadmaster Popov.Iwasjustlookingatyourfile,anditseemsyourtranscriptsstillhavenotarrived.”
“Oh Uh,willthatbeaproblem?”Iask
“Normally,wedon’taccepttransfer studentswithoutthem.However,givenyour father isaHarvardalumnus,Idon’thave anyconcernsaboutyourgrades”
“Anyway, you can gather your textbooks and course schedule fromMrs. Albrecht out front. She can direct you to your classroom.”Heglancesdownathisstackofpapersonceagain.
Everyoneisinclassrightnow,sothereisnooneIcanaskfordirections.Iglancedownatthecoursescheduleinmyhand, and the only information it gives is to find Löwin Hall After wandering around for fifteen minutes, I finally locate the classroom.
Severalstudentssnicker,andifIcould,I’dmeltintoapuddleanddisappearrightnow “Come in,” the teacher says, waving me over. “Class, this is Willow, our new student from the United States. Please welcomeherandhelpheracclimate MissBaker,thereisanemptyseatnearthebackyoucantake”
Thestudentsturntheirfocusbacktothefront,wheretheteacherbeginsspeakingandscribblingonthechalkboard However, IgettheunsettlingfeelingI’mbeingwatched.Achillrunsdownmyspine. Iscantheclassroom,craningmynecktotakeinthebackrow,includingtheseatdirectlybehindme.
