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OctaviaJensen

PublishedbyFlowerBonePublishing,2024

Thisisaworkoffiction.Similaritiestorealpeople,places,oreventsareentirelycoincidental.

Firstedition.January8,2024.

WrittenbyOctaviaJensen

ContentAdvisory:

Thisbookisverymildintermsoftriggers,thoughIshouldpointoutthatthereasonhe’sasingledadisbecausethemother walkedoutonthemboththemomentSofiawasborn.Ifparentalabandonmentisatriggerforyou,pleaseskipthisone.Other thanthat,thisisacutelittlesingledad/nannyromancewithanHEA.Oh,andthere’sahintofabreedingkink.

Prologue:TheInterview Xander

I’veinterviewedtwelvenanniesthepasttwoweeksandnotoneofthemhasfeltlikeagoodfit.Oneofthemhadtheaudacityto askforpermissiontospankmythree-month-old,andthencalledmea“crazyhelicopterparent”whenItoldhertogetthefuck outofmyface Idon’tcarehowold-schoolmostofthesepeopleclaimtobe,noonewilleverputahandonmydaughter,or oneofmysiblingsisgoingtohavetobailmeoutofjail.

I’mexhaustednowthough,becausemyoldersisterCallie mycurrentbabysitter isthirty-eightweekspregnantand daysawayfromgoingintolabor.I’moutoftime,butthethoughtofsettlingonsomethinglikethismakesmefuckingnauseous.I justwantthebestforSofia,andasmuchasIknownoonewillevercomparetomeormysiblings,Idon’thaveachoicebutto findsomeonethatwillmeshwellwithourlittletwo-personfamily.

LelandCarlisleistheyoungestpersonI’veinterviewedsinceIstartedsearching,butthelittlebitofinformationIhaveon herispromising Shemightonlybetwenty-two,butshehelpedraisehertwolittlebrotherswhilehermomworkedtosupport them,andseeingasmysiblingsallhadtohelpraiseeachotherafterourparentspassedaway,Ican’thelpbuttofeela connectiontoheronpaper Italsohelpsthatshe’salsocurrentlycertifiedinfirstaid,CPR,andearlychildhoodeducation Of courseI’mhesitantwithherbeingyoung,butatleastIwon’thavetoworryaboutsomeoldladytryingtoraisemydaughterthe wayherboomerparentsraisedher

Someshitshouldstayinthedamnpast.

MyphonebuzzesinmypocketandIpullitout,halfexpectingittobeLelandsayingshecan’tmakeitorsomething,butas usual,itendsupbeingmystupidyoungerbrother

Adrian: She hot?

Me: Do you ever get tired of asking me that question? None of them are hot, and even if one was, I wouldn’t notice. This isn’t about that

Adrian: She isn’t there yet, huh?

Idiot.

Me: No.

Hesendsbackasmileyfacethatmakesmerollmyeyes,andthenleavesmealonewhenIthreatentotellhisgirlfriendto kickhisassforme.ReaganistheonlywomanI’veeverseenmybrothergivetwoshitsabout,andbecauseofthat,Iknowhis weakspot

Allthoughtsofthemleavemymindwhenayoungbrunettewithhugeglasseswalksinthedinerthough,becausealthough she’sinsomeloose-fittingjeansandahoodieatleasttwosizestoobig,hersmileisabsolutelystunning.Idon’tknowwhythis catchesmyattention,itreallyisthelastthingIneedtobefocusingonwhenLelandcanwalkthroughthedooratanymoment, butittakesallmywillpowertoforcemygazeawayandnotwalkoverandtellherIwantmyhoodieback.Itwouldbealame attemptatapickuplineanyway damn,Ireallyamrusty

OnceIfindtherightnannyforSofia,Ishouldprobablygetbackoutthereandfindmysociallifeagain.WhythefuckamI thinkingaboutthis?Moreimportantly,whyisthegorgeoushoodiegirlnowwalkingovertomelookinglikeshe’snervous?I can’tflirtwithher.I’mwaiting ohfuck.No.pleasedon’tbe

“Mr.Marino?”

Fuckme.

“Leland?”Iask,standinglikethegentlemanmymomwouldwantmetobeasItakeherhand.Hersoft,slenderpalmrubs againstmydry,callusedoneasshenods,andIletgoabruptlytowaveforhertotakeaseatacrossfromme “Nicetomeetyou YoucanjustcallmeXander.”Herbrowneyesarehugebehindthoselenses,andIhavetoforcemygazebacktothepaperI haveonthetablesoIdon’tthinkaboutthem “AreyouabigSteelersfan?”

What the fuck does her hoodie have to do with this interview? Get your head in the game, Marino.

“Oh.Um...Iwouldn’tsaythat.Mydadalwaysmademewatchthegames,butIhaven’treallykeptupsinceImovedout.” Sheblushesassheflickshereyesdowntothestackofpapersinfrontofme “You’renotaBrownsfan,areyou?”

“No,”Isaywithachuckle.“MybrotherandIhavewatchedtheEaglestogethersincewewerekids,soalthoughI’mnotas diehardasheis,I’mstillanEaglesfan Steelersarefinethough,longasyou’renotcomingoverinCowboymerchand influencingmydaughter,we’regood.”Getonthesubject.“Speakingofbrothers,yousaidyouhavetwoofthem?Isthereabig agedifference?”

Thesmileshegivesmeisblinding.“Yeah.Mymomhadmewhenshewasseventeenandthenhadmybrothersinherearly thirties.They’resixandsevennow.”

“Soyouhaveexperiencewithbabies That’sgood Sofiaisonlythreemonthsold,sotherewillbealotofdiapers,butat leastyoudon’thavetododgepeelikeyoudowithbabyboys.”

Wasthatajoke?Whatiswrongwithme?

Itmakesherlaugh,somaybeitwasn’tallbad.“IthinkIcanhandleit.Isshebeingbreastfedorbottlefed?”

Thatquestiononlyremindsmethathermotherleft.Breastfeedingisn’tsomethingIcouldeverdoforher,butregardlessof howshe’sfed,she’sloved,andsheisthriving “Bottle Hermotherisn’tinthepictureatall,soit’souronlyoption Doyou haveexperiencewithformula?”

Tohercredit,Lelanddoesn’tmissabeat “Yes I’malittlerelieved,honestly Mybrothersneverletmefeedthem,soI thinkthiswillbeeasier.Whathoursdoyouneedsomeone?”

Ilikeherenthusiasm Shealreadysoundssosurethatshehasthejob,andmaybeshefuckingdoes Shehasn’tscaredme awayyet.“SoIworkfivetotwo,andliketoleavearoundfourinthemorningtoavoidtraffic.Iknowthat’searlyashell,but mostdaysyou’llhaveacoupleofhoursbeforeshewakesuphungry.”

“That’snotmuchearlierthanIwakeupnow,tobehonest Whatdoyoudoforwork?”

TosayI’mrelievedisanunderstatement.EveryoneelseIknowhatesthemornings.“I’masheetmetalsupervisorfora fabricationcompany IstartedwhenIwaseighteenandrealizedquicklyIlikeworkingwithmyhands,soIjustworkedmyway uptheladder.DidyougotoBlackridge?”

Hereyesflickdowntomyhandsforthebriefestofmoments,butit’senoughtohaveherlickingherlipsquicklyand snappinghergazebackuptomyface.Maybeshewasn’tturnedoffbymyroughhandsafterall.“What?Oh,um...yes,butI droppedoutaftermypre-reqs.Icouldn’tfigureoutwhatIwantedtodo,andthenIbecameafull-timenannyformyneighbor andshetoldmetogetmyearlychildhoodeducationcertification”

“Guessthatworkedoutforthebothofus.”IfIhireher,whichImightnot.WhoamIkidding?“Idon’tmeantobe presumptuous,buthowearlycouldyoustartifIweretoofferyoutheposition?”

“Tomorrow,sir.I’mnotgonnalie.I’mactuallyalittledesperateforworkrightnow,”sheadmits.“Iknowyou’renot supposedtosaythatinaninterview,butIthinkitspeakstohowhardI’mwillingtowork.You’llalwayscomehometoahot meal,acleanhouse,andahappybaby.”

Fuckme,Idon’tevenknowwheretobegin.Ifthe“sir”didn’tjustmakemydicktwitchunderthetable,the“hotmeal”sure ashelldid Fuck,nowIhavetheworld’smostinappropriatebonerandIhavetofighttheurgetoaskherifshe’s thehotmeal Happybaby.Yes,thatiswhat’simportant.

“I well,alright I’dbeanidiotnottotakeyouuponthatoffer Wouldyoubeabletocomebytodayandmeether?She’s atmysister’shouse,butIcangiveyoumyaddressandmeetyouthereafterIgrabher.”

“Ofcourse!”There’sthatblindingsmileagainasshestandsandwaitsformetodothesame,butIfuckingcan’t.

“Justgivemeasecond.I’llcallmysisterandtellhertohaveherready.”

Callietheboner-killerhelpsthesecondshecomplainsabouthercervixhurtingfromthebaby,soIstandupamomentlater andtrynottonoticehowmuchtallerIamthanLeland She’dbesodamneasytolift “Okay,I’llsendyoumyaddressandmeet youthereinaboutfifteenminutes?”

“Perfect I’ll seeyouthen”Rockinguponhertoes,shegrinsandthentakesoffforthedoor,stoppingwhenshegets there.“Wait,youhavemynumber,right?Ofcourseyoudo,youcalledme.Okay.Bye.”

Shespinssofastherlongbrownhairwhipsbehindher,andevenablindmancouldn’tfighttheurgetocheckoutherass. Unluckilyforme,thehoodieblocksitentirely,makingmehavetodoawalkofshameallthewaytomyblackLexus Thismightbeahorribleidea,butIcan’tfightthefeelingthatLelandmayendupbeingeverythingSofiaandIneed. Ijusthopetheyclickaswellaswejustdid

Leland

It’snormaltohyperventilatebeforeyourfirstdayatanewjob,right?Totally,completelynormal,andnotcrazyatall?Ihope so,becausethechillyOctoberairiscatchinginmythroatandmakingitwayhardertobreathethanitneedstobe.

Myclientisathree-month-oldbaby It’snotthatserious WhocaresthatI’mwalkingupthefrontstepsofastranger’s gorgeousgreyhouseinthemiddleofthenight?

Ohright,Ido,andsodoallthepeoplewhohavealwaystoldmenottogetinthevan Thisislikethat,butbigger,andthe manholdingthecandyisinsanelyhot.

Like insanely, make-me-act-like-a-foolhot Heregoesnothing.

Steelingmynerve,IknockonthedoorandbounceonmyheelsasIwaitforhimtoopenit.I’mahalfhourearly,soI shouldn’tbesurprisedthathetakesamomenttoanswer,orthathelooksstunninglydisheveledlikehejustrolledoutofbed “I’msosorry,”Irushoutinawhisper.“Icancomebackorwaitinthedrivewayor ”

“No,”herushesout,adesperatelookinhiseyesthattellsmeheprobablydidn’tsleepmuchlastnight “Imean please comein.She Idon’tknowwhatIdid,butSofiaispissedatmetonight.”

Hestepsasidetoletmeinashetriestoflattenhishair,butIwishhewouldn’t Flusteredisagoodlookonhim

NowthatI’minside,Icanhearherfussing,soIdropmybagnearthedoorandslipoffmyshoesbeforerushingupthe stairs.

Hewasn’tkidding Theadorablelittlepotatoismad “Aww,sweetie,”Isoothe,steppingintopickherupoutofher bassinet.“What’swrong,prettygirl?”

“Shewasfineatbedtimelastnight,butthenshewokeupeverysinglehourfrommidnighton Icheckedhertemperature,I burpedher,fedher,changedher,Ievenfellasleeponthefloorwithmyarminhercrib.”Herollshisshoulderlikeithurts,and wavesahandatthebabyblanketandteddybearonthefloor.IfIhadtoguess,heusedthatteddyasapillow.“Shedidn’teven carewhenIbeggedhertogotosleep noteventhelullabieshelped.”

Butshe’scalmingnow.Injustthefewminutesthathewastalkingtome,hernoiseshaveloweredtosmallwhimpers,and shereachesouttorunherhandsthroughmyhairlikeshelikesit

“Keeptalking,”Iwhispertohim.“Ithinkbetweenmyhairandyourvoice,wehaveawinner.” “Keeptalking?”herepeatssleepily “Uh,alright ShouldItellastory?OrliketheplotofTransformers?”Sofiawails beforeIcangivehimananswerandherushescloserwithhishandsraised.“Okay,sorry,mamas.Youwantmetotalk,I’lltalk. Uh,didItellyouaboutthetimeUncleAdriangotstuckinatree?Hewaslikeeleven,andwewenttotheparknearourhouse.I toldhimnottoclimbitbecausethebranchesweresofarapart,butheinsistedhecoulddoit.Hewashardheadedanddenied beingstuckforalmosttwohours,andthenhecriedandblamedmeforit.Wehadtocallthefiredepartment.”

She’sstillalittletooyoungtolaugh,butI’mnot AllIcanpictureisastubbornlittleboyrefusingtostayoutoftrees,andit remindsmeofmyyoungestbrother,Caleb.Sofiatugsmyhairbutletsoutahappiersoundforonceashereyesdroop,soInod toencourageXandertokeeptalkingasIlayherdowntoswaddleher

“Keepgoing?”HescratcheshisheadandtakesaseatonthefloorasIgentlyglidemyfingerdownSofia’snose.“I’lltella storyaboutUncleLeo.Whenhewasinmiddleschoolorsomething,hestartedrealizingthathedidn’tlikegirls.Buthedidn’t wantanyonetoknow,sohepaidhisfriendLylahislunchmoneytopretendtobehisgirlfriend Weallknew,Imean,Iwaslike nineandIcouldtellhewaswaymoreinterestedinCallie’sthingsthanGio’sthings,butIdidn’tunderstandwhy.Well,one day,ouraunthadsomeguyscomeovertodoourlawnforus,andonewasn’twearingashirt Leoturnedtouswiththisdopeyasssmileashesaid,‘Lyla’snotmygirlfriend.I’mgay.’andthenjustwalkedofflikehedidsomesortofmicdrop.Literallyno onewassurprised”

I’mgrinningnow,Ican’thelpit.Itdoesn’thurtthatSofiaissoundasleep,soIstopstrokinghernoseandslowlyputmy fingertomylips.

Amomentlater,we’reoutinthehallwayandXanderiswaytooclosetomeforcomfort Hesmellstoogood,lookstoo good.“I’msorryyoudon’thavetimetotakeanap,”Ioffertodistractmyself.“Nexttime,justshootmeatextandIcancome earlier”

“Ican’tdothattoyou.Especiallywhenyou’restilladjusting.Idon’tknowifIevenwanttogotowork.Youthinkshe’s sickorsomething?”

Theconcernonhisfacebreaksmyheart,soIsqueezehisarmtoofferalittlecomfort.“Babiesarejustfussy,Mr.Marino. Shedidn’tfeelwarmoranything,soI’msureshe’sfine...butareyou?It’sokaytotaketimeoffforyourself.”

“Yeah,I’mokay”Hislighteyesdroptomyhandasasmallsmilechangeshisfaceentirely “Thankyou,Leland Doyou promisetocallmeifsomethinghappens?”

“Ofcourse”IseemtojustnowrealizethatI’mstillgrabbinghisarm,soIletgoquicklyandbackupasteptogiveusboth

space.“Doyouhavenannycamssetupsoyoucancheckonheratwork?”

“Ohshit,yeah.Ishouldhaveletyouknowprior.Ihavethemineveryroom,andthey’reconnectedtomyphone.Icantalk toherinthebassinetfromtheoneinthere”

It’ssocute,I’mnotevenalittlebitupset.“It’sokay.I’mgladyoudo.Hopefully,it’llgiveyoualittlepeaceofminduntil yougetmorecomfortablewithme Everything’sokay,Mr Marino”

Thefactthathehugsmecompletelytakesmybreathaway.I’msostunnedIstandtherefrozenwithmyarmsandeyeswide, butheletsgoabruptlywithanembarrassedchuckle “Sorry Youcanblamethatonthetinyhumanthatdidn’tallowmeto sleep.IthinkI’mdelirious.Ihavetogogetdressed.”

Heturnsawaytoruntohisroom,leavinghisscentinmylungsandmysanitysomewhereonthefloor. Icannotbeattractedtohimlikethis It’slikethebeginningofeveryterriblepornoevermade,orareallybadjoke Ican’t haveacrushonhim.Ineedthisjob. I can’t do this.

Panickingjustalittle,Iturninacircletryingtofigureoutwheretogo Sofia’sroomisn’tagoodidea,butdoIgobe awkwardinthekitchenorthelivingroom?

Kitchen Coffee Beuseful

Exhalinghard,Iheaddownstairstothekitchen,startapotofcoffee,androotthroughhiscupboardsuntilIfindatravelmug thatlooksbigenough.IjustmanagetogetthelidonitforhimwhenIhearhimroundingthecorner,soIask,“Doyouwant somesugar?”

“Coffee?You’reamazing,Leland.Seriously.”Herelaxesalittlemoreandgivesmeanopportunitytocheckouthisoutfitas heentersthekitchentograbhislunchbox He’sinblackcargoworkpantswithpaddedknees,andanorangelong-sleevedshirt withreflectivestripsonthearms.Everythingdowntohissteel-toebootsscreamsthathe’samanthatworkswithhishandsjust ashestated.“Nosugar,justthemochacreamerinthefridge.Thankyou.”

Ittakesmeaboutfoursecondstoolongtopullmyeyesawayfromhimandfindthefridge.It’srightinfrontofme,buthow amIsupposedtofocusonanythingbuthowgoodhelooks?Thisiscruel,andI’manidiot.

Shakingitoff,IfixhiscoffeeandhandittohimwithasmileIhopehedoesn’tfindcreepy “Doyoupackyourlunch?”

“Yeah,InormallypackitbeforebedsinceI’msuchazombieinthemornings.Coffeehelps.”Hesmilesbackatme. “You’rewelcometoeat,drink,useanythingyouwant,alright?MakeyourselfathomeandI’llcallyouonmylunch” Mystomachflips.“Okay.Haveagoodday,Mr.Marino.Drivesafe.”

Helickshislipsandturnsaroundtohideagrin,butIsawit.“Alright,MissCarlisle.I’llseeyouaroundthree.”

Thatfeelslikeareallylongtimefromnow,butwhatcanIdootherthanwatchhimwalkout?Ihavethingstodothatdon’t involveswooningoverthisrandomsingledadwhonowhappenstobemyboss,nomatterhowhotheis,howadorablehis daughteris,orhowfunnyhisfamilysounds

I’mthenanny,thehiredhelp,andhe’swayoutofmyleague.It’sbestIacceptthatnow.

Ataquartertothree,Islammyphonedownonthecouchwithaquiet,frustratedgroan MyroommateAlexseemstobe hellbentonruiningmylife,butIdon’thavetimetodealwithherrightnow.NotwhenSofianeedsherdiaperchangedbefore Xandergetshome I’vealreadycleanedandmadelemonpepperporkchopsfordinnersoatleastthat’sdone,butIalso promisedhimaveryhappybabyandshe’sgettingfussyagain,soIdowhatIcantocleanherupandkeephercalmuntilher dadfinallycomeshome.

Helooksevenmoreexhaustedthanhedidwhenheleft,butIcanseetheexcitementinhiseyesashesetshisstuffdown andhurriestowashhishands.“Hey,mamas.I’mhome.”Herushesovertotakeherfrommyarms,holdingheragainsthis cheekwithhiseyesclosed,andthesightofhercurlingherlittlehandtohughimbackissodamncuteittakesmybreathaway “Imissedyou.Howwasshe?”

Ittakesasecondtorealizehe’stalkingtomenow,andIfeellikeI’mintrudingonaprivatemoment “Oh,she shewas amazing,”Itellhim.“Alittlegrumbly,butthat’snormal.”

Heplacesthreekissesonherfaceandrelaxesfullywhenheletsitsinkinthatshewasingoodhands.“Iwonderwhatit waslastnight Wereyouabletohavesometimetoyourselforwassheclingy?”

“Alittleofboth.Idon’tmindclingy,though.Notwhenshe’sthatcute.”

Hesmileswidely,proudly “Sheis,huh?Ididn’tevenknowababycouldbethiscutebeforeshewasborn” It’saphysicalhardshiptostopmyselffrompointingoutshehasincrediblegenes,butImanage.“Eventhoughit’salittle early,dinner’swarmingintheovenifyou’rehungrynow Itshouldkeepforabitifnot,butIwouldputitinthefridgeifyou’re planningonwaitingmorethananhour.”

“Youmeantit?”Idon’tmissthewayhisgazerakesmyfacelikehe’stakingmeallin.“Hotmeal,cleanhouse,happybaby. I’mstarving,butdoyouthinkshe’llletmeshowerrealfast?Youdon’thavetostayifyouhavesomewheretobe”

GoinghometofightwithAlexdoesn’tsoundfun,soIholdmyarmsoutforSofia.“Takeyourtime.I’vegotherandI’llget yourdinnerplatedforyou”

“Youalreadydeservearaise.Thankyou.”Hehandsheroverandtakesoffupthestairstohisroom,makingithardforme nottopicturethoseroughhandsofhisastheyundohisbelt.Thishasgonedownhillfast,andifI’mnotcareful,I’llendup havingtoquitjusttoremainprofessional Ihavegottogetthisundercontrol.

I’mseriouslylosingcontrol.

AsIclosemybedroomdoor,Ihavetoshovemyrapidlyhardeningcockdownwithagroan.Idon’tknowwhatitisabout thisbeautiful,soft,innocentlookingwomanthat whoa,yeah,Idefinitelyhaveaproblem Ijustcan’tgetoverthefactthatI justcamehometoallofthethingsshepromisedinthatinterview.SofiawassuchahandfullastnightIfearedherfirstday wouldbedifficult,butshehandleditinstride,cookeddinner,andkeptmybabyhappy Ishouldn’thaveaboneroverthis,butit’sbeentoodamnlongsinceI’veputmyselfoutthere,andit’sbeennever sincea womanhasevertakencareofmeinanycapacity

MaybeIfuckinglikeit.

NormallyIstripdownmydirtyworkclothesinthelaundryroomandstartthewasherbeforeIcomeintomyroom,butI don’timaginewalkingthroughthehousenakedwitharaginghard-onisthebestideaonherfirstday,soIdropallmyshitnear thedoorandhopintheshowerinstead.ItrytoignoremyachingdickbecauseIhatejerkingoffintheshower,butsinceit’s refusingtogodownandIonlyhaveafewminutes,Idon’treallyhaveachoice

Bracingmyhandonthewall,Itakemyselfintomyhandandfightamoan.Itfeelssodamngoodtogivein.Idon’tbother startingslowly,nordoIfighttheimageofLelandkneelinginfrontofmewithhermouthwideopen Fuck,she’dlooksogood downthere,staringupatmethroughhereyelashes.Wouldshebeeagerforit?Wouldherheartbepoundinginherchestasshe waitedformyloadtopaintherflawlessskin?Justthethoughthasmyballstightening,andalthoughInormallyliketotakemy timewiththis,timeisn’taluxuryIhaverightnow,soIdon’tfightit Iclosemyeyesandimaginethatgirlflickinghertongue alongmyslitasshesilentlybegsformycum.Babygirllovestoplease,doesn’tshe?WithagruntIcan’tfight,Igripthehead ofmycockandletgo,usingmyotherhandtostrokeasitseemstoneverfuckingend,butonceitdoes,IfeellikeIcanbreathe

Igotthis.Ijustneededsomedamnrelease,andIwon’tgothatlongwithoutitagain.Asmallvoiceinthebackofmymind remindsmeIjackedoffyesterdayafterLelandleft,butItellthatassholetoshutupandtakemydamnshower.

ItossonsomesweatsandanEaglesshirtbeforeIgobackdown,thescentoftheporkchopsslappingmeinthefaceand makingmystomachgrowlbeforeIreachthebottomofthestairs.“Smellsgood,Lee.”

Infact,everythingsmellsgood Iswearshetookhertimecleaninganditreallyshows MaybetomorrowIwon’tfightthe urgetocheckuponherwiththecameras,becauseifshesingsanddanceswhenshecleans,Ihavetoseeit.

Hercheeksheatfromthenicknameasshesmiles “I’mglad Iwasn’tsureifyou’dwantabeerorsomethingelsetodrink, butIcangrabitforyoubeforeIgo.”

Go?No,Idon’twantyoutoleave.“Waterisgood.Ididn’tdrinkenoughtoday.Didyoueatyet?”

Lelandlicksherlipsassheslowlyshakesherhead.“No,sir.Butit’sokay,Icangrabtakeoutorsomethingontheway home.I’msureyou’reeagertounwind.”

Sir Yeah,thatsoloquickiewasnotenough She’slayingonherbellydoingtummytimewithSofia,andallIseeisthefact thatherhoodieisraisedaboveherperfectass.It’sthefirsttimeI’mactuallyseeingit,andwithhowthoseleggingsmoldtoher skin,theymightbemyfavoritepieceofclothingtoeverexist “Stay,”Iblurt “Imean,you’rewelcometoeatwithme There’s enough,andIdon’tmindthecompany.”

Tellheryou’relonely,whydon’tyou?

“Areyousure?”sheasks,shiftingontoherkneestomakeitworseforme “I’dlikethat”

I’dlikethattoo.I’dlikealotmoretoo,butIsomehowmanagetomeethereyesandstopbeingacreep.“Metoo.Uh,we canpulloutherswingandletherrelaxwhileweeat Sheseemsprettychillrightnow”

Iglancedownatmybabygirlandsmile.Ican’thelpit.Shelookssofuckingcuteasshechewsonherfingers,andshe alreadyseemstoreallylikeLeland

NottomentionLelandseemstoreallylikeher.HergiantbrowneyeslightupasshepicksSofupoffthefloorandbrings herovertome.“IthinkshewantstoseeDaddyfirst.”

“Ofcourseshedoes,”Ireply “Shehasthecoolestdaddyever”Iliftherupintotheairsoshegivesmeoneofherwide, dimpledsmiles.“She’stooyoungtoarguefornow,soI’mgonnasticktoit.”

Grinning,Leestepsbackwardtowardthekitchen “I’llgetmyplateandsomewaterforyou” “Thanks.”Itakeamomenttohugmydaughterclose,inhalingthetopofherheadthatI’msureIcouldpickoutinthedark. Sincethedayshewasborn,it’sjustbeenthetwoofus,andalthoughIcouldn’thavemadeitwithoutthesupportofmyfamily, I’vealwaysbeentheonlyparentshe’sknown.Eliseneverwantedtobeamother.Shemadeitclearfromthebeginning,butI stillcan’twrapmyheadaroundthefactthatsheliedaboutbirthcontrol.

Originally,Ithoughtitwastotrapme,butitbecameimmediatelyclearthatshedidn’twantanythingtodowithmeorour baby.No, my baby.Mine.Allshegotfromhermomisbrowneyes,andhonestly,thosecouldhaveeasilycomefrommymom’s side,soIdon’tplanongivingthatwomananycreditforthisperfectcreation

Shedoesn’tevencheckonher.

Thedaysafterherbirthwhilewewaitedfortestresultswereawkwardashell,butthesecondIsawher,Iknewshewas mine “Ididn’tgettotellyouhowspecialyouwereyet,didI?”Iwhispertoher,leaningintokisshercheek “You’resoloved, mamas.You’rethebestdaughterinthewholeworld.Thankyouformakingmeadaddy.Iwouldn’ttradeyoufortheworld.”I lookuptofindLelandwatchingmefromherseat,andIsmilealittlesheepishlywhenIrealizesheheardeveryword “Sorry,I justtrytomakesureshehearsthosethingseveryday,soshe Ireaditwasgoodforthemtohearpositivethingsevenbefore theyfullyunderstandthem”

Aftersettingherintheswing,ItakeaseatatthediningtableandhidebehindaglassofwaterasLeegentlysetsherfork down.“It’strue.It’simportant.You’re...reallygoodatthis.”

There’snosurpriseinhertoneorjudgmentofanykind

“Soareyou,”Ioffer.“Icouldn’tfigureoutwhichwaywasupthismorning,andyougotherrighttosleep.She’shappierat home,andIknowshelikesyou ShewashappywithmysisterCallietoo,butit’sdifferent Shewasgoingoverthere,andthe furtheralongCallsgotinherpregnancy,themoreexhaustedshewas,sotheybothseemeddrainedwhenI’dgopickherup. Sofia’sallsmilestonight”

“I’mhappytohelp,”sheassuresme.“AndImeanthat,Mr.Marino.Anytimeyouneedme,dayornight,I’mavailable.” IstareatherasecondtoolongbeforeInodandstarttoeat,butthefoodissodamngoodIpracticallyinhaleitallbeforeI getanotherwordout “Youhavefreereininthekitchen,Lee Thatwasamazing”

Shesquirmsinherseatwithaproudsmile.“Thankyou.Withtwopickybrothers,Ihadtogetgoodquick.Andmyex couldn’tcooktosavehislife,sothathelpedtoo”

“Ex?Howlongagodidthatend?”

That’sanokayquestion,right?BecauseallIreallywanttoaskisifshe’ssinglenow. Flushing,shestaresatherplatelikeitcanmakemeunask.“Afewmonthsnow.Wewerehighschoolsweethearts.” Shit,isshestillsadaboutit?“Sorryitdidn’tworkout.Wecantalkaboutsomethingelseifyou’dlike.”

Oryoucantellmeeverything

“It’sfine.Ijustdon’twanttoboreyoutodeath,”shedeflects.“It’snotthatinterestingofastory.”

“I’d stillliketoknow Ifyou’reopentotellingit”

Leetakesadeepbreathandlooksprettymuchanywhereotherthanmeasshesays,“ItoldyouIdroppedoutofcollege becauseIwasn’tsurewhatIwantedtodo.Iwasalsoreally,reallyburntoutfrombeingsuchanoverachieverinhighschool thatIneededabreak,andBrucetoldmeafewmonthsagothathewouldn’tpaymetobeatrophywifeifIrefusedtogobackto school.That’sneverwhatIwanted,buthedidn’tlisten.Saidthatbeingababysitterfulltimedidn’tcountasacareer.”

“Bullshit,”Iargue “Youhaveoneofthemostimportantjobsthereare Weneedgoodpeopletohelpraisethenext generationofassholes,andthatmeansweneedpeoplelikeyou.Brucecankickrocks.”

“Tobefair,Ithinkhewasjustlookingforareason Thathappenedtobetheonehechose”Hertoneislighternowthough likeshereallyheardme,andthecornerofhermouthisquirkingup.“It’sokay,really.”

“I’mgladyoufollowedyourpassion.NotjustformeandSof,butforyoutoo.Doyoustilltakecareofyourbrothers?”

“Notasmuchnowthatthey’regettingmoreindependent Westilldothings,buttheydon’tneedmeasmuchanymore” Then,likethenoseyfuckerIam,Iblurtout,“Tellmeaboutyourfriends,”beforeIcanstopthewords.Iwanttoknow everythingabouther

“Oh.Um...MybestfriendisAlex,myroommate.She’samazing.We’vebeenfriendssincepracticallykindergarten.Then there’sMarissa Shetransferredheresophomoreyearandwe’vebeenfriendssince Whataboutyou,Mr M um Xander?”

It’sthefirsttimeshe’seversaidmyname,anditsoundssoforeign,webothlaugh.“Mr.Xander.That’scute.” And you ’ re more than welcome to keep calling me Sir My dick likes it “IhaveonefriendthatIstilltalktooftensinceweworktogether. Ihadagroupofthem,butyouknowhowthatgoesonceonehasakid Renéhasakidtoo,soI’mnotsurprisedhestuckaround Heonlyseeshisdaughtereveryotherweekendthough,andhehatesit.Shawn,Rhodes,andJayareallstillsingleand childless,sothey’restillouttheretryingtopretendlikeourthirtiesaren’tcreepin’uponus Weallusedtogoonvacation together,butIskippeditthisyear,andhonestly?Iwasn’tevensadaboutit.”

“Thatsoundsreallyfun,”shecomments “Where’syourfavoriteplaceyouguyshavegone?”

“WewenttoHawaiionce,anditwasabsolutelybeautiful,butmyfavoriteplacewasUniversal.Ineverhadanopportunity togotoplaceslikethatwhenIwasakid,soitwasawholenewexperienceforme.Haveyoueverbeen?”

Sheshakesherhead “No,butitsoundsamazing Mymomdidn’tlikeridesandmydadworkedalot,soitdidn’tmakealot ofsensetogowhenIwasyounger.Ithinkthey’retakingtheboysinacoupleyears,though.”

Fuck,Iwanttotakeher “Luckythem Youthinkyouwannatagalong?”

“Maybe.I’dstillendupridingalone,somaybeI’llholdoutuntilSofisoldenough.”

“Yeah,maybewe’llallgotogether.”Toofar,toosoon?Probably.“Sobabiesareyourspecialty,huh?”Ismilewarmly, forgettingentirelythatthisisabsolutelynotadate.“Doyouwantyourownoneday?”

Lelandbitesherlipforthebriefestofmoments,thennods.“Ido.Ireallydo,butsometimesIthinkI’dratheradopt.There

aresomanylittlekidsouttherewithoutmoms,Ifeellikeit’salmostirresponsibleofmetohavemyownwhenIcanloveone ofthem.”

Idon’tknowwhatmyfaceisdoing,butsuddenlyI’mthirteenyearsoldagainandholdingAdrianinmyarmsaswecried forourmom.Thethoughtofgoingintofostercarescaredtheshitoutofme,butmaybeifthereweremorepeoplelikeLelandin theworld,itwouldn’thavetobesoscaryforkids I’mthankfulmyoldersiblingswereabletokeepusalltogether,butforall thekidsthataren’tasblessed,Ihopetheyfindsomeonelikeher.Hell,IhopeIfindsomeonelikeLeland.Somethingtellsme she’dloveastepchildjustasmuchasabiologicalone Nokidwouldeverwantforloveiftheyhadher “Yeah,”Istart,my voicealittlethickerthanbefore.“Icanseewhatyoumean.Ineverthoughtaboutitthatway.Wouldyou doyouthinkyou’d specificallywantababyorwouldyoubeopentoanolderkid?”

“Hmm Ihadn’treallythoughtaboutit,”sheadmits “IguessIwaspicturingababy,butI’dneverdenyachildbecausethey weretooold.”

Ihavesomanymorequestionsthatwouldbeinappropriatetoask,soIglanceoveratSofiatostopmyselfandnoticeshe’s fallenasleep.“Well,you’regreatwithbabies.I’msureanykidwouldbeluckytocallyoumomoneday,regardlessofhow theybecomeyourchild”

“Thankyou,”shewhispers,standingquicklytograbourplatesandtakethemtothesink.SuddenlyI’mafraidIupsether,so IgobackoverwhatIsaidandtrytofigureoutwhatitwas.Aftercomingupblank,Ifollowherintherewithourcupsandtake amomenttostareatherinmykitchen It’sbeenonedayandshealreadymovesarounditlikeshebelongsthere Hell,ifshe toldmetheblackandstainlesssteelapplianceslookwastiredandwantedtoremodelit,Ijustmightfuckinglether.

Whatthehell?

“IfIoversteppedatall,Iapologize.IcomefromahousewithfoursiblingsandeverysingleoneofthemhastoldmeI’m nosey.”

Ilaughtolightenthemood,andwhensheturnstolookatme,itlookslikeshe’sbeenfightingtears.“Pleasedon’t apologize.PeoplealwaystellmeI’mtoosensitiveandthatwasjust...areallysweetthingtosay.”

“There’snothingwrongwithbeingsensitive”Itakeastepcloser “AndImeantit Sofiaputinagoodwordbeforeshe passedout.”

Leland’sbreathcatchesinherthroatasshelaughssilently,butnowshe’stheonetakingastepin “Didshe?Whatelsedid shesay,Mr.Marino?”

Isshe...flirtingwithme?Orismylonelinessslappingmeinthefaceagain?

Fuck,Ican’tmakethewrongmovehere.IjustgotherandIalreadycan’tloseher.“Shesaidyoumakeameanbottlefor happyhour.”

“It’strue,”shesaysproudly “Imakeabettermojito,butIcan’tshowherthatforanothercoupleofdecades”

Ican’tfightthelaughthatbubblesoutofmeasIrealizewe’restandingfartooclosetobeprofessionalnow.“Maybeyou canshowmesoonerthanher”

“Maybe.Thetrickwithagoodmojitoistospankthemintbeforeyouputitin.”

Ialmostdroptheglassesinmyhandsatthat,butIlaughsoloudlyitwakesupthebaby.Bothofusjumpawayfromeach otherlikewejustgotcaughtdoingsomethingweshouldn’t,andIonlywanthermorewhenshe’satSofia’ssidefasterthanI am.

“It’sokay,littlebug!Comehere,”shelaughs,scoopingherupandturningtofacemewithasmilethatcouldknockmedead ifIletit.“Iguessthat’sprobablymycuetoheadout,huh?”

No It’syourcuetofuckingmoveinandletmeowneveryinchofyouoncewegetthebabyinherbassinetforthenight “I thinkshe’sprobablyalittlemoresleepythanusualbecauseoflastnight.I’llseeyouinthemorning?”Mytoneisalittletoo hopeful,butwhensheagreesandhandsmeSofia,Idon’tstopsmilinguntillongaftershe’sleft.

Isittoosoontogiveherakey?

ChapterThree:TheAlmostFakeDate

Leland

Bytheendofmyfirstweek,onethingisexceedinglyclear Ineedtohurlmyselffacefirstbackintothedatingscene.I’m teeteringontheedgeofacliffhereandonewrongmovewillhavemespiralingovertowardthewavesbelow,nevertobe seenagain He’sjust tooperfect Older,hard-working,big,callusedhandsthatwouldfeelsogoodrunningdownmy no Wow,no.

I’mdefinitelyintrouble

TheonlyproblemwiththislittleplanisthatIhavenoideawhatI’mdoing.BruceandIstarteddatingineighthgradeand justrecentlysplit,andwhileI’mnotquitesureIeverlovedhimthewaythatIshouldhave,Idoknowhe’stheonlymanI’ve everbeenwith.Ihavenoexperienceoutsideofhim,anddespitereadingenoughromancebookstohaveageneralidea,reading somethinganddoingitaretwodifferentthings.

Very differentthings

IthasmynervesspikingandmyguttwistingeverytimeIthinkaboutthefactthatIagreedtogoonadatetomorrownight. Ryanseemsniceenoughandeverything,butwhatifhewantsmore?Whatifthingsnaturallyprogressandhewantstohavesex? Oh,shit.I’mnotreadyforthis.

Shakingalittle,ItakethehamoutoftheovenandturntocheckonSofiajustasXanderwalksintofurtherscrewupmy mentalstate.Hisgreyeyesgofromtiredtorelaxedthemomenthespotsus,andtheneonorangeshirthe’swearingisdirtyand clingingtohisskininwaysthatsendmymindstraighttothegutter.Thatisn’tevenaccountingforthefitted,darkblueDickies hugginghishipsortheworkbootshe’snowbendingdowntounlace

Helookslikehewasbuilttoruinsomeonelikeme.

“Hi,”Iforceout “Howwasyourday,Mr Marino?”

“Itwasalright.Noonegotinjuredtoday,sothat’sawin.”Icantellhe’sjoking,buthemovesonbeforeIcanquestionit. “Howwasyourday?Wassheagoodgirl?”

Thewaymystomachswoopsissoinappropriate,I’msurprisedmyfacedoesn’tcatchfire.Hedid not meanitthewayI tookit,norwasheeventalkingaboutme buthereweare.“Shewasgreat.Weplayedonthefloorforawhile,Isangher somesongs,andshetooktwonaps Itwasagoodday”

“Twonaps?”Hisvoicechanges,gettingmuchsofterashestepsinwithagrintoliftherup.“Yousleepypotato.”Whenhe pretendslikehe’seatingherchubbycheeks,Sofialetsoutasquealthathasusbothfreezing “Wasthatalaugh?Didshelaugh forme?”

MyheartsoarswhenIseethehugesmileonherfaceandthewayshereachesherlittlehandsuptotouchhisface.“Yes,I thinkshedid.”

“Wow,”hebreathes,leaningintokissherforeheadwithhiseyesclosed.Icanseeitmadehimalittleemotional,soIkeep myselfbusywithdinneruntilhe’sputtingherbackinherbouncerandwipingoneofhiseyes “Dinnersmellsgood,”he deflects.“I’llhurrywithmyshowersowecaneat.”

IstifletheurgetoaskifhewantsmetostaylikeIhaveeveryotherdaythisweek Iknowbynowthatwhenhesays“we,” he’sincludingme,sinceSofiacan’teatsolidfoodyet.Still,itgivesmebutterfliesthathewantsmetostickaround.Maybe he’sjustlonely,ormaybehe’sjustattemptingtogettoknowmebetterbecausehe’strustinghisdaughterwithme...butIcan’t helpfeelinglikeit’sdeeperthanthat LikewehavesomesortofconnectionthathecanfeelasstronglyasIcan ItsendsmybrainrightbacktothefactthatIhaveadateI’mnowherenearpreparedfor.

Whenhecomesbackdowninpajamabottoms,ittakeseverythinginsidemenottopeekatthebulgeIknowI’llfinddown there.“You’respoilingme,Lee.Iusedtotakemyshowerandthenhavetocomecook,soI’mquicklygrowingusedtoyou havingitmadeeveryday”

“Thanks,”Isaysoftly.“Iknowyoustruggletogetenoughsleep,sotheleastIcandoismakesureyou’rewell-fed.Sofia needsherdaddytobestrong.”

“Well,you’redefinitelykeepingmefed”HerubshisstomachasheeyeballshisfoodsoexcitedlyheremindsmeofSofia beforeabottle.Icanseewhereshegotherloveoffood.“Goingtobelostwithoutyouovertheweekend.”

“Oh,I’msurethat’snottrue Therewillbeplentyofleftovers,andI’msureyoucouldusethepeaceandquiet” Heshovelsdownafewbitesbeforehegivesmearesponse,butIcanseethathe’stellingthetruthwhenhedoes.“There’s nothingdisruptiveaboutyou,Lee Youfitrightinlikeyouwerealwaysmeanttobehere,butIamthankfulfortheleftovers We usuallyhaveSundaydinneratCallie’sbutsinceshe’ssodamnpregnant,weputthoseonpausesoshecouldrest.There’s nothingpeacefulorquietaboutmyfamily,sothisweekendwilljustbemeandthelittlelady.”

He’sgivingmeanopeningtotellhimaboutmyweekendplans,butI’mnervous Istellinghimoversharing?“Thatsounds nice,”Istart.“Ihaveadatetomorrownight,somyweekendwillbefullofanxiety.”

Yep Definitelyoversharing

Hiseyebrowsraisesohightheypracticallydisappearunderhishair.“Date,huh?ItakeitthisisanewguyandnotBruce?”

“Ohgod,no.NotBruce.HisnameisRyan,”Ioffer,staringatthesaladinfrontofmeasItrytostabacherrytomato.It keepsskirtingundermyfork,soatleastit’sanicedistraction “I’mnotconvincedI’mgoing”

“No?Why’sthat?”ImaynotbelookingathimbutIcanhearIhaveallofhisattention,meaningIhavetobecarefulabout howIwordthis HowdoIsayitwithoutbeingcrude?

“Idon’tknow,”Istart “I’venever dated anyoneotherthanBruce,soIfeellikeI’malittleoutofmyelement” There.Theinflectionwithdated saysitall,right?ThatI’veneversleptwithanyoneelse?

“Ithinktherearealotofuswhohaven’tactuallydatedmanypeople,soyou’renotalone.Committingisn’talwaysthe easiestthing,especiallyasadults”Hefrownsalittleandtakesadrink “Ijustmeantakingthatinitialjumpishard,notthatI thinkcommittingtosomeoneisdifficult.Thatpartiseasy,buttakingthatleapalwayscomeswithsomeanxiety.How’dyou meethim?”

Where’sanimpromptutornadowhenyouneedit?Blushing,Ifinallystabthelittletomatoandsay,“Adatingapp,”before shovingitinmymouth

“Lee,”hesaysinalightlyteasingtone.“AreyouonTinder?”

Ohgod.CanIdienow?“Yes,”Isayfirmly,tryingtokeepalight,jokingtone.“It’sfine.It’snotatallacryforhelp.” Hechuckles,reachingouttogripmyhandloosely “Don’tbeembarrassed There’snothingwrongwithdatingapps” Yes,thereis.Heisn’tonthem.Thelightningracingupmyarmandrightdownbetweenmythighsfromasimpletouchtakes mybreathaway,butwhatcanIdo? Be cool, Leland Be cool “IguessI’mjustnervous,that’sall I’llbeokay” “Well,ifyou’renervous,wecanpretendthisisadate,”heoffers.

Fuckingkillme.What?Blinkingrapidly,ittakesmeasolidtensecondstoprocessthat,andIstillthinkIfail.“Huh?” Xanderblushes,hisbackstraighteningashesitsupstraighter.“Comeon.You’vehelpedmeallweek.Letmehelpwith this.”

Hecan’tbeofferingwhatIthinkhe’soffering There’snoway “I I’mnotsurethat’sagoodidea” Please push Please insist. Please tell me it’s okay. “Isit?”

“I ”hestammers,rubbingthebackofhisneckashisnervessettlein “Iapologize DidIjustmakeyouuncomfortable?”

“No!”Isaytooquickly.“No,notatall.It’sjust...I’mnotsurewe’reonthesamepagewithwhatI’m...nervousabout.”Kill me.Pleasekillme.

“Thefirstdatepart...right?Thejittersthatweall ”Hepauses,hisheadtiltingaswhatIsaidreallysinksin.“Ohwait, you’remeaning...pleasedon’tquit.”

Thisishell I’mconvinced “Mr Marino,Iwouldnever Ilovethisjobalreadyand I’malittlemortifiedrightnow I’m sosorry.YouofferedareallysweetthingandImadeitso weird.”

“No,no,youdidn’t It’salright”Hishandfindsmineagainjusttoslaymealittleharder “Ifthere’sanythingonthatsubject Icanhelpwith,I’mhere,too.Itdoesn’thavetobeaweirdthing.I’veobviouslydoneitatleastonce,right?”Hewavesahand atSofiatolightenthemood,butnowallIcanpictureishowhelookshavingsex. Howhesmells Howitfeels.

Aremypalmssweating?

“You’resweet,”Imumble.“I’mprobablyoverreactinganyway,right?Whatarethechanceshe’sactuallygonnatrytosleep withmetomorrownight?”

Xanderchuckles.“Uh,howoldishe?”

“Twenty-eight,”Iwhisper,likeifIsayitanylouder,he’llreadbetweenthelinesandfigureoutIchoseanolderman becauseofhim “Atleastthat’swhathisprofilesaid”

“Itwasadumbquestionformetoask,anyway.Thechancesofhimtryingtosleepwithyouare100%nomatterhowoldhe is Didn’texpectyoutosaymyagethough,”hechuckles,standingtotakeourplatesforus

Sohe did readbetweenthelines.Excellent.“Ithoughtmaybesomeoneolderwouldbemore...direct?Toguideme,Imean. Insteadofsomedumbcollegekidwhodoesn’tknowhowtocommunicate”

“Orknowhowtofindtheg-spot,”hemutters,butIhearhimloudandclearfrommyseat. “Thattoo.Brucesurecouldn’t.”

Iheartheplateslipfromhishandandfallinthesink,butIcan’tbringmyselftomove “Wait,sonoone’sfoundit?Have you?”

“No,”Iadmit,fullyawareofhowmanylinesthisconversationiscrossing Butifhe’snotstopping,Iwon’teither “I’ve alwayslivedwithotherpeople,soIhaven’tdonealotof...exploring.DoyouseewhyI’mnervousnow?”

“Yeah.”He’squietforabitwhileheloadsthedishwasher,andthengoesrightbacktohisseatatthetable.“Whodoyou livewithnow?”

Okay.That’sasafetopic.APGtopic.Thatshouldbeagoodthing,sowhyamIdisappointed?WhatthehelldidIthinkhe

wasgonnado,offertobendmeoverthekitchentableandfinditformerighthere?“MybestfriendAlex.ButI’mnotsurehow muchlongerthatwilllast,honestly.She’sexpectingherboyfriendtoproposeanydaynow,andIdon’tthinkshe’llstickaround oncehedoes”

“Well...nexttimeshegoestoherboyfriend’s,dosomeexploring.Self-careisveryimportant.”

Heseriouslyjusttoldmetomasturbate WordsevademecompletelyforamomentasIstandabruptlytotakeoverdish duty,becauseifIdon’tdosomethingproductivewithmyhands,Imightdosomethingstupid.“You’reright,Iprobablyshould. MaybeI’llgetluckywithRyan,though”

“Maybe.Butyoushouldn’trushiteitherway.Makehimwait.”

Idon’twanttowait.It’sbeenmonthsforme,andI’mnotentirelysureBrucewaseververygood.Ihavenothingto comparehimto,soIalwaysthoughtitwasfine,butnow?JustlookingatXander,Iknowhe’sbetterthanIcould’vedreamed “Isitsowrongformetowanttogetlaid?”

Hemeetsmygazeandshakeshisheadlikeheknowsitisn’t,butcan’tbringhimselftosaythewords Ormaybeit’sjust wishfulthinking.“Iknowthefeeling.”

Theweightofitisclearnow Theslightslumpofhisshoulders,thefaintlinesonhisface Ican’thelpbutwonderhow longhe’sbeenaloneandhowselfishI’mbeingbycomplainingaboutafewmonths.Slowly,Iturntofacehimfully.“It’sbeena while,huh?”

Nodding,hiseyesflicktohisdaughterandthenbackatme “Myexcheatedonmeafteranargumentandwefoundoutshe waspregnantnotlongafter.Forawhile,Ididn’tknowifSofiawasmine.Ididn’twanttosleepwithanyoneelseifshewas, becauseIwantedtodotherightthingbybothofthem,butIalsodidn’twanttotouchEliseagain”Heshrugs “Don’treally havetimeforallthatthesedays,butlikeIsaid.Self-careisimportant.Ithelps.”

God,thatbreaksmyheart.BeforeIcanstopmyself,Iwrapmyarmsaroundhimandsqueeze.“You’reagoodman,Mr. Marino.AndifIcaneverhelpwithwatchingSofforyououtsideofthenormalhours,allyoueverneedtodoisask.You deservetobehappy,too.”

Feelinghisstrongarmscoilaroundmesendsaswarmofbutterfliesstraighttomystomach Icansmellhisbodywash,and feelallthosefirmmusclesI’vebeendyingtotouchfordays.Andforabriefsecond,IswearIfeelhimbreathemein.“Thanks, Lee Youdeservetobehappy,too”

“Thankyou,”Iwhisper,steppingbackbeforeIcansaysomethingwe’llbothregret.“I’llseeyouMondaymorning.”

ChapterFour:TheLittleBrother’sAdvice Xander

Ihardlysleptlastnight,andforonce,itisn’tSofia’sfault.Icouldn’tstopimaginingLelandwithherbigdoeeyesstaringupat measIshowedherallthethingsnoguyhadevershownherbefore.Ifeltlikeabig-timecreepwhenIofferedforherto practice,butIstillcouldn’tfinditinmetotakeitback NotwhenI’dletherdowhateverthefuckshewantedtomeina heartbeat.

Iknowthatwouldmakeallofthismessy especiallyifweendupnotworkingout sologictellsmetokeepmydickin mypantsforSofia’ssake.It’sonlybeenaweekandIcan’timagineleavingSofwithanyoneelse.Icanseetheirbondforming, andknowinghowhappyandcontentmybabygirliswithheronlymakesmewanthermore

Idon’twanthergoingondateswhenshecouldbeherewithus.Idon’twantsomemantouchingherwhenIcouldbethe onetouchingher.God,mybrainisallfuckedupoverher,andIdon’tknowwhattodo.

ImakeittoSofia’snapbeforeIgrabmyphonetocallherandaskwhattimeherdateis,onlyithitsmelikeatonofbricks thatit’snoneofmybusiness.Infact,itwouldbehighlyinappropriateifIcalledherjusttoaskthatquestion,soifIamgoingto callher,Ineedabetterreason

Instead,ImakeanentirelydifferentbaddecisionandcallmyyoungerbrotherAdrian.IknowI’mnotcallingtheright persontogetsoundadvice I’dbecallingLeoorGioifIwantedtohearhowtowoosomeoneandactuallykeepthem,but AdrianhasbeendifferentsincehegotwithReagan.Idon’tdoubtshe’stheoneforhim,andalthoughit’sonlybeenaboutayear sincetheymadeitofficial,Iknowshe’shelpedhimmatureandgrowforthebetter.Ifthatguycanlearntobeselflessandkeep agirllikeRea,thenmaybethere’shopeforme,too

EvenifIcomewithbaggagefilledwithdiapersandbabywipes.

“What’sup,Xan?How’sSof?”

Everyonealwaysaskshowshe’sdoingfirstanditneverfailstomakemesmile.IguessIjustloveknowingshe’sloved. “She’sgreat.Takinganaprightnow,soIhavesometimetomyself.”

“Partytime...orwait,funwithnannytime.”

Idiot.Thiswasabadidea.“Shutup.”

“That’sit?Shutup?Holdon,I’mnotthatfaroff,amI?”

“Ofcourseyou’refaroff.Nooneishere.Sheworksduringtheweek,andwe’vebeencompletelyprofessionaltheentire time”That’safat-assliehedoesn’tneedtoknowabout,butwehaven’tcrossedanylineswecan’tcomebackfrom,soIstand byit.

“Yeah,butyoualsostoppeddenyingthatshewashotsinceyoumether,soIwantallthedetails.Iknowwe’rebothass men.Tellhowmanytimesyou’vedrooledoverit.”WhenIheartheunmistakablesoundofhimbeinghitwithwhatIassumeis apillow,IfindmyselfonceagaingladhefoundReagan.

“Thanks,Rea Howmanytimesadaydoyouhavetodothattokeephimontrack?”

“Atleastfifteen,sometimesmore,”shecallsout,hervoicemovingcloserlikeshejustnowjoinedtheconversation,butI knowshe’sbeenlisteningthewholetime Fuckit.Icalledtotalkaboutit.ImayaswellstopbullshittinglikeIdidn’t.“HernameisLeland,soyoucanstopcalling hernanny,andshe’sonadaterightnow.”

Ormaybenotyet,butthatisn’tthepoint “Awhat?”Adrianpracticallyyells.“Adatewithsomeonethatisn’tyou?”

Isigh “Whythehellwouldwebeonadate,Ade?AmIsupposedtobringSofiaalong?”

Mybrothersighslikehe’stheolderone,andIfighttheurgetorollmyeyesathim.I’musuallytheonepeoplecallwhen they’reinsituationslikethis I’musuallytheonesighingbeforedroppingknowledge,nothim “Listen,I’mgoingtogetreal hereforyouandstopfuckingaround.”Fatchance,butIdon’tcallhimout.“Thefactthatyoudidn’tdenywantingtodateher saysmorethananythingelse.Wherearethey?ReaandIcancomewatchSofforyou.”

“Wherearethey?I’mnotherdad,bro Idon’thaveadamnclue,andit’snotmybusiness”Butitreally, really feelslike mybusiness,andIknowheknowsittoo.“Whatthehellareyouevenproposing?Ishowupandcrashherdatetolayclaimon her?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”There’ssomuchconvictioninhistoneIfindmyselfactuallystoppingtolisten.“Youneedtolether knowshe’sitforyou”

“Itforme?Dude,I’veknownherforaweek.Ican’tju ”

“IknewReafiveminutesbeforeIknewI’dmarryher.Callmecrazyallyouwant,butIknewitandIneverletherforgetit. Evenwhenshewantedto Timedoesn’tmeanshitwhenyoufindtheone Yougonnasithereandtellmeyoudidn’tfeel somethingthemomentLelandsatdownwithyou?”

Ihatewhenhe’sright,soIdon’tsayanythingatall,andonceagainhetakesmysilenceforexactlywhatitis Maybehe

shouldgetmorecreditthanhedoes,becauseforbeingthecluelessbrotherourwholelives,hesureasfuckgrewuptobean observantman.

“Exactly Justcheckherlocationandwe’llbethereforthebaby”

Checkher...“What?Checkherlocation?HowthehellamIsupposedtodothat?”

“Yourphone,dumbass Youdon’thaveherlocationyet?”

“AtwhatpointdidImakeitseemlikewewereatthesharinglocationstage?Doyouevenhearyourself?”

“Do you?” heargues “Imean,doyouevenlikethischick?Byaweek,IcouldhavewrittenabookonRea’sdailylife”I knowhe’sexaggerating,butsomethingtellsmenotbymuch.“Youbetterstepyourshitupunlessyouwantsomenewguyto starttakingherondatesandfinger-bangingherunderthetable.”

“Fuck,Ihateyou”Idon’t,butthesoundofanotherpillowhittinghimhelpsabit “IshouldhavecalledCallie” “Butyoudidn’t.Youcalledthepersonyouknewwouldtellyoutogetyourheadoutofyourassandgetyourgirl.” Again,hemightnotbewrong “Youguysdidn’thaveanotherlittlelifetoworryabout,though WhatifItrysomethingand shedoesn’tfeelthesameandthenquits?WhatthehelldoIdothen?Callieiswhat,thirty-nineweeksnow?Aurorawillbe hereanyday,soIcan’tbringSofiathere,andyouseriouslyhavetoseeherwithLee Shelovesheralready Icomehometoa happybabyeverysingleday.Ican’tscareherawaybecauseIwanthertobemine.”Itfeelsgoodtosayitoutloud.Sogood,in fact,Ismile.ButitfadesalmostinstantlywhenIremembershe’sonadate.AdatethatInowcan’tstopimagininghergetting finger-bangedon God,Adrianistheworst “Sofiaismoreimportantthanme,butIalreadycan’timaginelosingLee,either I triedtotellhernottogotoofastonherdateandshemadeitclearshewantstogetlaid.”

Adriansnorts “Toughfuckingshit Ifshewantstogetlaid,shecanclimbrightonyourlap Justwearacondomthistime I don’tcareifyouhatethose.”

“Ihateyoumore,sothere’sthat.”It’salie,Ihatecondomssodamnmuchthereisn’tasingleoneinmywholehouse,and it’sbecomeexceedinglyclearI’drathergowithoutsexentirelythanuseone.“Idon’tknowwhattodo.Shewasnervousas hellaboutthedateandIofferedtoletherpracticeonme.Imeantlikedatetalk,butshethoughtImeantsexstuffandnowI can’tstopthinkingaboutteachinghereverything”

“Teachingher?Holdup,issheavirgin?”Thistime,I’mprettysuretheexcitementinAdrian’svoicepromptsReaganto open-palmslaphim,buthedoesn’tmissabeat “Youshould’veledwiththat”

“She’snotavirgin,butshe’sonlybeenwithoneperson.Onewhoneverevenfoundherg-spot.Shemightaswellbeone.”

Ineedhimtosaysomethingannoyingrightnow,becauseI’mgettinghardandthat’snotagoodlookwhenonthephonewith yourbrother.

“Yeah,okay.Sowhatyou’resayingisyou’recoolwithsittingaroundwhileherdatefindsitfirst,”hepointsout.“Gotit. Youshould’vejusttoldmeyou’realittlebitch”

“Fuuuck you.ThehellamIsupposedtodohere,then?”

Adrianpauses “Alright,soyoudon’twanttotipyourhandyet,right?Callheraboutsomethingunrelated,casuallyaskher wherethey’regoing,andjustgo...hangout.Don’tletherseeyouoranything,justwatchandifitseemslikeshe’sgonnago homewithhim,callherandinterrupt.BeghertocomewatchSofbecauseI...gotinanaccidentorsomeshit.I’llbackyou.”

“WasthatyourplanthattimeReaganwentonthedatewiththevegetarianguy?”Idon’tknowifIwassupposedtoknow thatstory,butIdo.

“Fuckno Myplanwastodraghimoutbyhisballsifhedidn’tleavewillingly ReaembarrassedhimsogoddamnbadI didn’thavetodoanythingbutlookathimandjerkmyheadtowardthedoor.”

Ilaugh,Ican’thelpit,becauseIcanpictureitclearly Notlongago,Iwasthesame I’vealwaysbeenpossessive,butnow thatI’veactuallybeencheatedon,Iknowit’sonlygottenworse.Leeisn’tevenmine,andIwanttoputmyfistthroughRandy’s face.WasitRandy?Ricky?Whogivesafuck?Ihatehim.“I’mgonnacallherandifIneedyou,I’llletyouknow.Thanksfor... whateverallthiswas”

“Solidadvice.Rememberthat.”

“Mmhm Bye,Reagan”

IhangupaftershesaysbyeandimmediatelycallLelandbeforeIcantalkmyselfoutofit.Ialmosthangupaftereachring, butwhenIhearhersayhello,Idropmyheadbackinshame WhyamIbotheringher?

“Mr.Marino?”sheprompts.“Areyouokay?”

“Yeah,sorry.IthoughtIheardSofiawakeup.”AndnowI’maliar,cool.“Thinkshe’sstillout.AmI...interrupting?” “Oh,um no Notyet I’mstilltryingtofindmyshoes,butIthinkAlexborrowedthem” “Whatkindashoes?”

Tell me what you ’ re wearing so I don’t have to ask Giggling,sheasks,“Youwanttohearaboutmyshoes?They’rejustblackheels,butthey’retheonlypairIhave,soIguess I’llbetakingthisdressoffandgoingwithsomethingdifferent.Idon’tthinkFrancisco’sisthatfancy,isit?Icangetawaywith jeans,right?”

Francisco’s?Whatafuckingtool.OfalltherestaurantsinBlackridge,thatoneisbyfarthemostpretentious.“Yeah,maybe.

I’veonlybeenonceandthefoodsucked,soIneverwentback.I’msureit’sgottenbetterovertheyears.Doyouguyshave plansafterdinner?”

“Ithinkthatdependsonhowdinnergoes,”shemumbles “Didyouneedme,though?Isthatwhyyou’recalling?” Shit.Awkward.“Oh,yeah.I’mthinkingoftakingSofiatotheaquariumtomorrowsinceshelovesthatNemo movie.You thinkshe’stooyoung?”

“Ofcoursenot!Shewon’trememberitlater,butthatdoesn’tmeanshewon’tenjoyitnow.Ithinkthat’sareallysweet idea”

“Yeah?”NowI’msmilinglikeanidiot.“Itopensatnine...youthinkyou’dwannacomewithus?Nopressure.It’snotabig deal,butI’ddriveandpayandallthat.It’djustbeforfun.”

“I’dlovethat,”shesaysquickly “Seriously JusttextmethetimeandI’llbethere”

“Alright,soundsgood.WecangrablunchtooifSofiaisagoodsport.Justletmeknowifyougethometoolatetonightand changeyourmind”

Thatwassmoothenough,right?

“Iwon’t I’llseeyouinthemorning,Mr Marino”

“Alright,besafetonight.Ifyouneedanything...justcall,okay?”

“Thankyou.”Thesoftnessinhervoicemakesithardtohangup,butshesaysgoodbyeanddoesitforme.

Theimageofhergettingfingeredflashesinmymindagain,andbeforeIknowit,I’mGooglingFrancisco’sandseeingwhat kindoffoodtheyhave.I’mnotgonnago,butifIendupdrivingtheretonightandscopingtheplaceout,that’sbetweenmeand mypoorbabythatwillbeinthebackseat

Somethingtellsmeshe’llkeepmysecrets,though.

ChapterFive:TheIceBird

Leland

SundaymorningcomesandIknockonXander’sdoorwithmyheartinmythroat.IswearIsawhiscarintheparkinglotlast night,butthatcan’tberight.Canit?

Whenthedoorfliesopen,Igetdéjàvuofmyfirstdayonthejob He’sdressedthistimeatleastinjeansandaplainblack collaredshirt,buthiseyeslookjustastired.It’simmediatelyclearwhythough,becausethere’saveryangrybabyinhisarms. “She’smadagain Itoldherastoryaboutworkandsheonlygotmorepissed Idon’tthinkshelikesthosestories,butshe didn’thaveyourhairtoplaywith,somaybethatdidn’thelpeither.”

“Okay Justbreathe,okay?”Iholdmyarmsouttotakeher,rockingherasIgentlypatherback “Didyouburpfordaddy thismorning?”

“Shewouldn’t.Ikepttrying,but...shit,Idon’tknow.Youthinkshe’supforanoutingtoday?”

HelookssostressedthatIwouldn’ttellhimnoevenifIdidn’tthinkshecouldhandleit “Ofcourse Justgiveherasecand maybegrabmeaburpclothbeforeshe ”

Toolate Thelittleangelburpsandspitsupallovermyshirt,makingXanderjumpbacktoavoidthesplatter “Shit Was thatwhatwaswrong,mamas?”

Herushesofftograbmeatowel,butit’sfartoolate Myshirtiscoveredinspit-up,buttherelievedlittlewhimpersshe’s lettingoutnowthatshe’sgottenitoutmeltmyheart.“Thereyougo,littlebug.Allbetter,huh?Let’sgetyoucleanedup.”

CallingouttoXandertolethimknowwe’reheadedtothenursery,Icarryheruptheretowipeherdownandgetheranew outfittoo Thelaundryseemstohavepiledupovertheweekend,soImakeamentalnotetodoitfirstthingtomorrow,then realizeIneedtodomyshirt,too.Ican’tgowithhimlikethis.

Ugh

Whenhecomesback,herelaxeswhenheseesthatI’vetakencareofSofia,buthelooksalittlesheepishasheholdsouta shirt.“Figuredyou’dneedsomethingtowearsincesheruinedyourshirt.Igetitifyou’dratherheadhome,buteitherway,you shouldn’thavetowearhermilkanylongerthanyoualreadyhave.Iavoidedfootballsinceyou’resecretlyaSteelersfan.”

Hesmilesandshowsmeasimplecharcoalgrayteewitharaccoononit,andIcan’thelpbutwonderhowmuchitwould bringouthiseyesifhewastheonewearingit

Reachingout,Itakeitgentlyandtrynottolethimnoticethelumpinmythroat.“Thisisperfect.Justgivemeafew momentsandI’llbeready She’sgoodtogoifyouwanttogetherinhercarseat”

Hestepsinwithhishandsraisedlikeshe’saferalkitten,butIcanseethegrinstillonhisface.“Yougetitallout,orismy shirtindanger,too?”

Honestly,I’dslipheracoupleofnewtoysifshegotXandertotakehisshirtoff,butIsneakouttochangebeforeIcansay itoutloudlikeadumbass.Moreandmore,thisisfeelinglikeadateinsteadofpartofmyjob,andafterlastnight’sshitshow?I can’tcomplain It’salreadyofftoabetterstart

Changingquickly,ImeethimdownbythecarandsmilewhenIseehimcheckmeout.“Howdoesitlook?”Iask. “Likeit’syoursnow”Helickshislips “Comfy,huh?”

Heclosesthebackseatdoorandopensmineforme,makingmystomachflipasIclimbin.“Itis.It’sdefinitelyminenow.” Ihearhislaughashewalksaroundthecar,andIonlyhaveafewmomentstoinhalethescentofleatherandhiscologne beforehe’sjoiningme “Anymusicrequests?Soflovesallofit” “SodoI,honestly.I’llsingherDisneysongsifyouputthemon,butIcanalsogetdownwithpop,rock,country,emo... whatever Goodmusicisgoodmusic”

“Iagree.”

Heglancesdownathisphoneforafewmomentsandthensetsitasidetoputthecarindrive,backingoutjustasthe unmistakablesoundof“LetItGo”fillsthespeakers.Ofallthesongs,forsomereason,thisonemakesmelaugh. Bythechorus,I’msingingoutthelyricsloudenoughtohaveherstaringatmewide-eyedinthemirrorthatshowsusher face,butXander’ssingingrightalongsidemelikeit’ssupposedtobeaduetandwatchingmeeverysinglechancehegets By theend,allthreeofusaresmiling.“Mamasletitgobackthere,huh?AlloverpoorLee’sshirt.”

Thewide,gummygrinonherfacemakesbeingupsetaboutitimpossible,butthatdoesn’tstopmefromplayfullynudging him.“Notthefirsttime,won’tbethelast.”

“Iknow She’samenace,”hejokes,handingmehisphonesoIcanscrollthroughhisridiculouslylongDisneyplaylist CuriositynearlymurdersmeasIfighttheurgetogotohistextthreadinstead.Sueme,Iknowhe’sgotbrothersandsome terriblynarcissisticpartofmewantstoknowwhathe’ssayingaboutme,ifanything.

Idon’tlook,though Istayrespectfulandinsidehismusicappfortherestofthedrive,thenhanditbackwithasheepish smileoncewe’rebothoutofbreathfromsinging.

GetyouamanwhocankeepupwithaDisneysing-along

Howquicklyhegetsthecarrierslingsetuponhisbodyshouldn’tbeashotasitis,butIcan’thelpit.Hemayfeellikehe doesn’thaveitalltogetherontheroughdays,buthereallydoeshavethisdadthingdown.

Sofiadoesn’tputupafightatall Herwidebrowneyeslockonhimashetightensherinsideofit,andwhenherealizes she’swatching,Iseehisfacelightupbeforehegoesinforakiss.“Nospittingup,littlegirl.I’llhavetogoshirtlessifyoudo.”

Hegrabsthebackpackheusesasadiaperbagandslipsiton,thenturnstowardme “Ready?”

Itrulydon’tknowhowtoanswerthatquestion.IthinkmyovariesjustexplodedandImightbehavingasmallstroke,butI managetonod,anyway “Yes,sir Areyousureyoudon’twantmetocarryanything?” “Nah,Igotit.Haveyoubeenherebefore?”

WefallintosteptogetherasIsearchmymemory.“Idon’tthinkso.IfIhave,itwasareallylongtimeago.I’mkindof excited”

“Metoo.”Heopensthedoorformeandthesecondwestepin,hecatchesmultipleeyes.Therearesinglemoms everywhere,yetevenaswewalk,Idon’tseehisgazestraytoanyofthemonce “So,howwasyourdatelastnight?Iwas worriedaboutyou.”

Thisfeelslikeadangeroustopic “Honestly?Itwasaggressivelyfine Theconversationwassurfacelevelatbestandhe definitelytriedtogetmetogohomewithhim,butIdidn’t.”

He’ssmilingashebuysourtickets,andwhetherit’satwhatIsaidorhe’sbeingpolite,I’munsure,butitdoesn’tfadeas wemakeourwaydownthehallwaythatleadstotheaquariumarea “Sorrythereweren’tanysparks”Hedoesn’tlooksorry “Youthinkyou’llgivehimanothershot?”

“Idon’tknow,”Iadmit “Probablynot Whatdidyouendupdoinglastnight?”

“Nothingmuch.TypicalSaturdaynightwithtakeoutandaDisneymovie.Mydatewasasleepbyeightthough,soIchanged ittothe Star Wars sectionofDisneysoIcouldfeelmoreadult.Wildnight,Itellya.”Thesecondweenterthehugewalkthroughaquarium,hisgazedartsdowntotalktohisdaughter,buthissmileisgoneinstantly.“She’sasleep.”

Reachingover,Ipetherlittletuftsofhair.“Allthatyellingworeherout.AndIbetshecanhearyourheartbeat,sothat probablyhelped Doyouwanttowaituntilshewakesuptokeepgoing?”

Heshakeshishead,kissingthetopofhersbeforehestartswalking.“Wecanstillenjoyit.Hopefullyshewakesbeforethe end”

Remindingmyselfthathedefinitelywasn’tstalkingmeattherestaurantbasedonwhathesaid,Itrytoshiftmythoughts backtosomethingmoreprofessionalaswestoptopetthelittlestingraysandtinysharks.Ineedtogetmyheadright,yetevery timehishandbrushesmylowerbackasheredirectsmyattentionsomewhereelse,IthinkIfallalittleharderforhim.

Bythetimewereachthepenguinarea,hishandseemstohavefoundapermanenthomethere.“Man,we’llhavetobring herbackherewhenshe’salittleolder andawake”

Mybraintripsandfallsrightinfrontoftheword‘we’andIfindmyselflookingupintohisgorgeousgreyeyes.“Yeah,we will”

Hescansmyfacelikeheabsolutelymeanttosaythatandthenpointsbackatthepenguins.Therearetinyholesnearthe bottomsotheycansticktheirwingsthroughandoneseemstobewaitingforme.“Ithinkyouhaveanadmirer.”

Ifanythingcoulddistractme,it’sapenguin Carefullyapproaching,Ibenddownandholdoutmyhandtotouchhiswing, glancingupjustintimetoseehimtakingapictureofme.“Hadto.I’llsendittoyou.”

“Issheawake?Ithinkshe’dlovethis”

“Nah,notyet.I’lltrytowakeher.”

Gently,heunclipsthecarrierandcradlesherinhisarms,thengrinswhenshestartstostretch AsmuchasIwanttobethe onetoholdherforthis,Istanduptomakeroomforhimandpulloutmyphonetoreturnthefavor.“Goahead.I’llgetsomefor you,too.”

Andforme IalreadyknowthisisamomentIwon’twanttoforgetanytimesoon Sheblinkshereyesmultipletimesasshe takesinthecreaturebeforeher,butafteramomentshereachesoutherhandtofeelhiswing,makingXanderreleaseanexcited laughI’veneverheardbefore

Keepingmymouthshut,Icutoffthevideotosnapafewstillsandstartrecordingagain,gettingdowntoherlevel,andthe secondshenoticesme,sheforgetsallaboutthepenguinandreachesforme

“Thinkshewantssomepictureswithyou,too.Flipitandseeifyoucangetaselfiewithusandtheicebird.”

“Icebird?”Ilaugh,scootinginclosertogetallfourofusin.It’satightsqueeze,butitcomesoutgreat.“I’mgonnaneed youtotellmethenameofeverysingleanimalinthisplacenow”

Xanderlaughs,handingSofoversohecangetsomepicturesofustoo.“I’veabsolutelynamedthemallthings.When Adrianwaslittle,Itriedtoconvincehimthatalltheanimalnameshewastaughtwerewrong,andwhenhegrewup,he’dknow theirrealnames.Heneverwantedtofeellikeakid,sohebeggedmefortherealnamesandIconvincedhimitwassomehuge secret.Penguinsareicebirds,raccoonsarethetraditionaltrashpandanameI’msureyou’veheard,snakesarenoperopes, turtlesaresnappingfrogs,frogsarehoppingsnails,uh...Isweartherewasmore.IhadtowritethemdownsoIwouldn’t forget.”

“Andnowyou’regoingtoruinyourdaughter,”Ilaugh.“That’sterrifying.”

Thatonlymakeshimlaughharder.“Pandaswerespottedbears,spiderswereearthdemonsandifyouletthemoutofyour sight,theywereprobablyinyourearsandtryingtopossessyou”

Eventhethoughtmakesmeshiver,andIhavetolaughwhenhesnapsapicofmeabsolutelyhorrifiedatthethought.“Rude! Thatwasterrible”

“Nah,itwasperfect.Sofhadasimilarface.”

Hertinyfisttugsonmyhairalittleharderthanusual,butIcantellshe’sjustexcitedafterhernap It’sbetterthancrying, andthelongershestayshappy,thelongerIcanstayherewiththem.

I’mdefinitelynotreadytogohomeyet.

ChapterSix:ThePictures Xander

Meetingmynieceyesterdaywasthehighlightofmyweekend,especiallyafterprotectiveHarveymadeallofuswait,butI couldn’tfigureoutwhyIkeptthinkingLelandwouldhavebeenhappytocome.We’renotevendating,sothere’sabsolutelyno reasonformetowanttointroducehertomyfamily,yetasallthehappycouplessataroundCallie’shouse,Ifoundmyself missingher.

It’sbeenafewweekssinceouraquariumtrip,whichmeansit’sbeenthatlongsinceIallowedmyselftoconsiderkissing her.Butforsomereason,thedesirecreepsbackupmyspineasIparkmycarinthedrivewayafterwork.Shesaidshewas makinglasagnaandI’vebeendroolingaboutitallday,plusimaginingherintherecookingandcleaningandfuckingmothering mychild...Ireally, really wanttokisshertonight.

“Ugh,”Igroan,lettingmyforeheadfallagainstthesteeringwheelwithasigh.Ican’truinthis.Ican’t.

ThesmellofdinnerwhenIwalkinpracticallygivesmeahard-on,andwhenIfollowmynoseandfindawomanwho’s bentovertheovenpullingitout,itonlygetsworse.Fuck,notawoman... my woman.Iwillmakehermineoneday.

“Thatsmellssodamngood,Lee”

“Let’shopeittastesevenbetter,”shesays,turningtoflashmeagrinbeforebumpingtheovenclosedwithherhip.She’sin myshirtagain,whichmakesmaintainingmyself-controlevenharder,andIfeelmyfiststightenatmysideswhenIholdmyself back.Iwanttogivehermoreshirtssoshewearsoneeverysingleday.“I’msureit’sgreat.I’llhurry.”

Herstayingfordinnerhasbecomearegularoccurrence,andalthoughIusuallyjackoffbeforegoingbackdown,Idecideto skipittodaysoIcantryherfoodsooner

BythetimeIcomedown,shehasourplatesonthetableandasoftsmileonhergorgeousface.“Howwasworktoday?”

“Itwasalright Renésplithishandopenatseveninthemorning,sothatwasawholething Heneededstitchesandstill pushedthroughuntilweforcedhimtoleave.”Isitandimmediatelystartstuffingmyface,moaningathowdeliciousitisand givingherathumbsup.

WhereIexpecttoseeprideonherface,Isee...somethingelse.Sadness.Itdoesn’tmakeanysense.“Good,”shewhispers. “I’mgladhe’salright.”

“Everythingokay?”Iask,settingmyforkasidetogivehermyfullattention NowthatI’mlookingather,Icanblatantlysee thatsheisabsolutelynotokay.

“Yeah,Ijust it’sfine ForgetIsaidanything”

“Comeon,Lee.Youcantalktome.Iventtoyouallthetime.”

Theurgetoreachoverandtouchherisstrong,butImanagetokeepmyhandstomyselfasshesquirmsinherseat.“It’smy roommate,Alex.She’smovingoutthisweekend.Iknewitwascoming,butnotthisfast,andnotwithoutnotice.”

“Shit,”Irespond,tryingtoreadbetweenthelinesbecauseIknowshe’shappyforherfriend,butshedoesn’tseemhappy rightnow “Didhepopthequestion?”

“Notyet,butIguesshisleasewasup,sotheydecidedtomoveintoabiggerplacetogetherrightnowinsteadofwaiting,” sheexplains “Itjustputsmeinaweirdposition”Hesitating,shepicksupherforkandimmediatelyputsitbackdown “IfI workmorehoursorhelpoutmore,isthereanywayIcangetaraise?Ican’taffordourapartmentbymyself.I’llhavetogeta secondjobandI’mafraidthehourswon’tworkout.”

Ohfuck Ican’tloseheroversomethinglikethis Ican’tloseheratall “Oryoucanmoveinhere Ihaveaspareroom”

IttakesusbothafewsecondstoregisterwhatIsaid,butIthinkLelandrecoversfirst.“Ican’taskyoutoletmedothat. That’s that’salot”

“You’renotasking.I’moffering.”Begging,butlet’skeepthatunderwraps.“Ihaveaspareroom,youwon’thavetodrive anywhereforwork IpromiseIwon’ttakeadvantageofyouandmakeyoudothingswhenyourusualhoursareup Seemslike awin/winforusboth,honestly.Plus,you’llgetmoretimewithSof.”

She’ssilentforamomentasshemullsitover,butthere’snodownsideforherandsheknowsit.She’llalwayshaveasafe place,neverbelatetowork,andshe’llbeabletosavemoneybecauseIwon’tchargeheradimetolivehere Shedoes enough.“Areyousure?”sheasksquietly,hopefully.“Thatwouldbeamazing.”

“Absolutelypositive Ilikehavingyouhere,andsodoesSofia Youwon’thavetopayrent,becauseyoupaymein deliciousmealseverysingleday.Youdoenoughforme...letmedothisforyou.”

Suddenly,shestandsandroundsthecornerofthetablequicklytoleandownandhugme

“You’rethebest,Mr Marino I promiseI’llmakethisworthitforyou.”

“Youalreadydo,”Iwhisperintoherhair,enjoyingthehugforaslongasIcan.“Needhelpmoving?”

“Actually,ifIcouldborrowyourworktruck,thatwouldbegreat,”shesaysquickly “Ihavetobeoutbytheendofthe month,butmostofthefurnitureishers.”

“Yeah,youcan Ifyouneedmeforanything,justletmeknow,andI’llhavetheroomacrossfromSofia’sclearedoutfor

you.Doyouwantmetoleavethebedinthere?”

Herbottomlipdisappearsbetweenherteeth.“Idon’tknow.Itmightbemorecomfortablethanmine.”

“I’llleaveit Calshelpedpickitoutandshesaiditwasoneofthebest It’syours”

Ismileather,wonderingifshecanseehowfuckinghappyshejustmademe,whilealsohopingmaybeshedoesn’t.Idon’t wanttocreepherout

“It’llmakeiteasierthisway,right?”sheaskshopefully.“Lesstomove.IcanhaveAlextakeminefortheirspareroom.”

“Yeah,forsure”IpolishoffmyplateandsitbacktolookaroundasItrytocomeupwithasubjectchangebeforeI accidentallysaysomethingreallystupid.“Toobadyouweren’thereforHalloween.Youcould’vebeenapandabearwithus.”

Lelandlaughsasshesitsbackdown,lookinglighter.“Itwould’vebeenbetterthanbeingthepinkPowerRangerforthe secondyearinarow,”shequips “Mybrothersinsisted”

“Picsoritdidn’thappen.”

Iholdoutmyhandforherphone,grinningassheblushesandhandsitover Partofmefuckinglovesthefactthatit’snot lockedandshedidn’tbotherfindingthemforme,whichmeansshehasnothingtohide andalsoisbasicallypermissionfor metoturnonherlocation,right?

Fuck,nowIsoundlikeAdrian.

DoIcareifIsoundlikeAdrian?Hehasbeensoundingmoreintelligentlately.

BeforeIgetmyselfintotrouble,IopenherphotosandsmilewhenIseeheralbumismostlypictureswithSofia Theylook sohappyinallofthemmyheartswellsinmychest.HerPowerRangerscostumeissodamncuteIsendthemtomyselfbefore shecantellmenotto,andthesecondI’minourmessagethread,Ican’tstopmyselffromturningonherlocationforme I’ll hatemyselfforitlater,butfornow,allIfeelisrelief.

I’llalwaysknowwheresheiswhensheleavesnow.

Igobacktoherphotosandlookatafewothers,comingacrossoneinashirtI’veneverseenherwearbefore.“Ialready warnedyouIwasnosey.Wherewasthisonetaken?”

Sheleansovertotakealook,thenchuckles “Adressingroom Ididn’tendupgettingtheshirt,butkeptthepictureincaseI changedmymind.”

“Itlooksgood”IscrollthroughafewmorebeforeIhandherthephoneback,thenpullmineouttoputherHalloween photoasmybackgroundbeforeturningitforhertosee.“Likemynewwallpaper?”

Herjawdrops,butshecan’tstopthelaughthatbubblesup.“Mr.Marino!”

Messingwithherfeelssoright,Ican’thelpit.“Here,youcanseemyHalloweenpicturestoo,butIhavetowarnyou.I madeanadorablebear.”

Iopenmyalbumandhanditover,curioustoseeifshe’llgothroughmyphotosthewayIwentthroughhers,andkindof hopingshedoes.Imaynothaveanynudes,butIhaveoneofmyselfinjustatowelthatItookafewweeksago,andI’dloveto seeifshe’llhaveareactiontoit Ifonlyshehadnudesinhers God,justthethoughthasmydicktryingtowakeup Maybeshehastheminahiddenapporsomeshit.Fuck,maybeIneedtogetbackintoherphone.

Shedistractsmewithacontagiouslaughassheflipsthroughthem.“Okay.I’mreallysorryImissedthis.Youlookso cuddly,”shewhisperswithawidesmile “Howmanydidyoutake?”

Andthereitis.ShekeepsscrollingpasttheobviousHalloweenones,andIcanseethereflectioninherglassesasshe stopsdeadontheoneofmeinatowel

Yeah,I’mnottheonlyonefeelingstuffhere,andthat’sdangerousknowledgeformetohave,especiallywithhermovingin. “Idon’tknow,alot ItwasherfirstHalloween,soIhadto Myphotosaremostlyher kindalikeyours”

She’sstillstaringatthepictureofme,butherthumbismovinglikeshe’sswiping.Littleliar.“Someoftheseareamazing,” shesays.“DoyoumindifIsendsometomyself?”

“OnlyifIcansendsomefromyours”Iholdoutmyhandforherphoneagain “Sendwhateveryouwant”

Inherdefense,shedoessendafewpicsofSofiatoherselfaswellasmytowelpic,thententativelyhandsmeherown phoneafterclearingthenotifications “Takewhatyouwant”

Iscrolldowntoherhiddenfolderimmediatelythistime,pausingforasecondwhenitasksforapassword,butItypeher birthdayinbeforeIgiveup,andthenstopbreathingentirelywhenitworks WhatIfindtherehasmefullyhardinseconds

Sheheldnothingbackfromwhoevershesenttheseto.Thereareacouplewhereherlonghaircoversherbarechest,but alsoquiteafewthatshowheroffsoperfectly,myheartstops.

Butthetwothatkillmeareevenbetter OneisthethumbnailofavideoI’mtooscaredtoplay,showingherwithherlegs spreadandherfingerscagingherclit,andtheotherisapictureofherbentoveronallfourswithherbottomlipbetweenher teeth Icanseetheheart-shapedoutlineofherassfromthisangle,andithasmesodesperatetojackoffIhavetononchalantly pressdownonmycrotch.Fuck,Ineedthese,butIcan’tsendthemtomyselffromthisfolder,andforonceI’mgoingtowaitfor permissiontohavethem.Butoneday,theywillbemine.

Igotoherregularalbumtogetmydicktogodown,buteventheclothedselfieskillme.

Still,Isendafewofthosetomyself,alongwithsomeofherandSof,andthenopenherTinderapptoseeherprofile.

Maybeseeinghertalktootherdudeswillhelp.

Theproblemisherinboxisfullofunansweredmessages.Obviouslyshedidherfairshareofswipingright,butshe’snot entertaininganyofthem Well,noneofthembutone.

SomefuckwitnamedJayseemstohaveherattention,andnowI’mwonderinghowrecentthosenudesare Whothef no...IclickonhisprofileandthenfreezewhenIseethisisn’tjustsomerandom-assdudenamedJay.I’d recognizehisfuckboysmolderandtattoosanywherebecausehe’soneofmybestfuckingfriends Oneofmyverysingle,very sluttyfriendsthatneverunderstandswhyIcan’tgooutwiththemonweekendsanymore.HasheseenLeland?Werethose picturesfor...oh,hellno.

I’msounreasonablyangryIexitoutoftheappandsetherphoneaside,thenmoveovertothekitchenforsomefreshwater Howlonghavetheybeentalking?Doesheknowshe’smynanny?Isitappropriatetodriveoverandkickhisassrightnow? Fuck I’msofucked

ChapterSeven:TheSpankedMint

Leland

UnloadingthelastofmythingsfeelsscarierthanIthoughtitwould.I’mcomfortableenoughinXander’shousethatIknowI’ll befine,buthe’sbeenweirdlately.Eversinceheslammedmyphonedownthedayweexchangedpictures,he’sbeenquietand almostdisengaged NothingliketheXanderI’vegrownaccustomedto He’snotbeingmeanoranythinglikethat,just...notthesame,andI’mterrifiedit’sbecausehedoesn’tactuallywantmeto movein Asifdatingwasn’thardenoughforhimalready,havingmeinhisguestroomwon’tmakethingsanyeasier Isthatwhatthisis?

DoIaskaboutit?

Lookingathimnowwithhistenseshouldersandbroody,darkexpression,Idon’tthinkIcanbethatdirect.Instead,I approachhimcarefullyandtouchhisforearm.“Areyouhungry?Icangetsomethingstartedunlessyou’dratherorderpizza.” “Pizzasoundsgood,actually Wecantossonamovieorsomethingifyoudon’thaveotherplanstonight”

Howlonghasitbeensincehe’sevenlookedmeintheeyes?“Ihaven’thadplansinweeks,”Iremindhimgently.“That isn’tchangingtonight”

“No?”Heturnstowardmealittlemore.“Thoughtmaybewejustweren’ttalkingaboutit.Youhaven’tmetsomeonenewon Tinder?”

Thesurpriseonmyfaceisgenuine.That’swhatthisisabout?Seriously?“I howdidyouknowthat?”

Heshrugs,turningawaylikehedidn’tmeantosaythat.“Idon’tknowanything.I’mjustassumingyoudid,andthought maybeyoudidn’twanttotalkaboutitsincethelastonedidn’tgosowell Thisonegoingbetter?”

No,there’sdefinitelysomethingelsegoingon.Ihaven’tbeenonmyphonearoundhimunlesshe’sbeenspyingonmewith hisnannycams,whichispossible Ihaven’tmetJayinpersonyet,either IkeepputtingitoffbecauseIhaveastupidcrushon fuckingXander.“Honestly?I’mnotsurethat’syourbusiness,”Isayalittletoodefensively.

Asidefromtheworld’ssmallestflinch,hedoesn’tgivemeareactionatall.“Yeah,you’reright.Iwasjustthinkingof gettingtheapp,soIwascuriousifyouhadanymoreluck.ForgetIasked.”

Shit.Fuckingshit.Ofcoursethat’swhyheasked,andI oh,god.Isuck.“I’msorry,”Iwhisper.“IthinkI’mjustalittleon edgeaboutit Ihaven’tmettheguyoranythingyet,butheseemsnice Ithinkguyshavebetterluckonthere,anyway I’msure you’llfindsomeonequickly.”

Eventhethoughtmakesmychestache Ifhefindssomeone,wheredoesthatleaveme?Ididn’tevenrealizehewaslooking “Doyouguystalkontheapp,ordoeshehaveyourphonenumber?”

“Heaskedformynumber,”Iadmit.“Igaveittohim,buthehonestlyhasn’tbeentalkingtomemuch.”

Xandernodstohimselfacoupletimesbeforelookingatmeagainandchangingthesubject.“Sopizzaandamovie?We couldhavesomedrinksifthat’ssomethingyou’reinterestedin.”

It’sreallyhardtosnapoutofcaretakermode,soIshakemyheadalittle DrinkingaroundSofiajustfeelswrong “Pizza andamoviesoundgreat,butIthinkIshouldskipalcohol.Icangrabyouabeerifyouwantone,though.”

“Well youhadmentionedsomethingaboutmojitos?Ithinkwehaveeverythingforit”

Offeringhimapolite ifnotalittleforced smile,Isidestephimtoheadtothekitchen.Myfaceisstillflushedwith embarrassmentandconfusion.IcanfeeltheheatfloodingmycheeksasIgatherupeverythingI’llneedandstart absentmindedlymakinghisdrink

Whatwill itlooklikeifhestartsdatingsomeoneelse?

“Pizza’sordered,”hecallsoutfromthecouch,joiningmeasecondlaterwithSofiainhisarms “Gonnagodoherbathreal fastandgetherinherpajamas.Youwannacomesaygoodnighttoherwhenshe’sready?”

Mystomachflips I’veneverbeenhereforhernighttimeroutine,andI’mmoreexcitedforitthanIthought “Please,”Isay quickly.“Justletmeknowwhen.”

Hesmilesatmeforwhatfeelslikethefirsttimeinfartoomanydays.“Yougotit.”

Ihearhimmunchonhercheeksasheleavesthekitchen,sendingmeintoacompletelyunnecessarytailspin Whatchangedhere,exactly?OtherthanhimhearingthatJayisn’ttalkingtomemuch,thatis.ButXanderisn’thappyI’m strikingoutagain ishe?

Fuck.Howdidthisgetsocomplicatedsofast?Whirling,IslapthemintalittleharderthanIneedtoanddropitin,thenflip theglassoffforgoodmeasureasIspintoheadupstairs Forawhile,Ijustwatchsilentlyashebecomesthecutestdadtoever exist.

Betweenthemade-upbathtimesongstoquietlittlelullabiesmeanttokeepherhappyashegetsherchanged,Ifeellike Sofiaistheluckiestlittlegirlintheworld

Andadadlikethat,apersonlikethat,deservestobehappy.Ijustwishhe’dseehedoesn’tneedsomestupidappforthat. I’monlyononetokeepmyselfdistractedfromhim

Oncehehasherinabrightpinkonesie,heclosesthedistancebetweenustohandherover.“Guesswhat,Sof?Leelives withusnow.”

It’sthefirsttimehe’ssoundedhappyaboutitsinceitwasfirstbroughtup,soI’lltakewhatIcanget Ialsoscoopthat preciousbabyupoutofhisarmsandsnuggleherclose,becauserightnow,she’stheonlythingkeepingmefromboltingoutthe door “Yeah,littlebug You’restuckwithme”

Iwatchhimalittlemoreasheturnsonherwhitenoisemachine,andoncehegrabsherpacifier,hestartstellingherallthe sweetthingsI’veheardhimtellhersomanytimesbefore Howmanybabiesgettoldhowspecialtheyareeveryday?I’dbet thenumberismuchlowerthananyofuswouldliketothink.

Hertinyhandtanglesinmyhairwhenheliftsherfrommyarms,butIdon’twanttolethergo.Itfeelslikealossnothaving herclose Still,IblowherakissandcarefullybackoutoftheroomtogivethemafewminutestothemselveswhileItrytoget myownshittogether.

Ican’tbemoodytonight,oractlikealittlebitch It’smyfirstrealnighthere IneedtokeepXanderhappywithadrinkin hishandandtrytojustmovepastwhateverweirdthinghasbeengoingonbetweenuslately.There’snowhereformetogoifI fail

Heseemsalittlelighterafterhejoinsmeagain,andIdon’tmisstheappreciationonhisfaceasheeyesthedrink.“I’ve neveractuallyhadoneofthese.”

“Really?”Iask “Never?”

Heshakeshishead,slowlybringingittohislipstotakeadrink,andthenherelaxes.“Thankfuckit’sgood.IwasworriedI wasgonnahateit Didyouspankthemint?”

“Yes.”Shakingmyheadwithasmallsmile,Ileanbackagainstthecounter.“Idon’tknowthesciencebehindit.Ijustknow itbehavesbetterthatway.”

Somewomendotoo,ifyouwanttotryitout.

“Thatseemstoworkforalotofthings.”Hiseyesflicktomine,andthenbackathisdrinkashetakesamuchbiggersip. “Maybeyoushouldputthatinyourbio,”Imuse “Itmightgetyoubetterresults”

“Yeah?”Heasks.“HowwouldIwordit?Likeswomenwhobehaveafteraspankingortwo?”

Fuck,Ishould’vekeptmymouthshut oratleastacceptedadrink IfeellikeIcoulduseaboutfiverightnow “Thatwould work,yes.Especiallyifyouincludeapictureofyourhandsinyourprofile.”

“Myhands?”hequestions,glancingdowntolookthemover,andInoticeasmallcutdownhispinkyIdidn’tseebefore. It’llbeasexyscaroneday.“Youdon’tthinkIneedsomemorelotion?”

I’mpersonallypetitioningsothatmanneveruseshandlotionagain,butit’snotmybusiness.It’llneverbemybodyhe’s touchingwiththem “Therearealotofpeoplewholikethewayroughhandsfeel,”Isaysimply “Iimagineitwouldbea reminderinthemomentofhowhardyou’rewillingtoworkandhowstrongyouare.Iwouldn’tknowfromexperience,butit’s aguess,anyway”

“Interesting...sowhenyousayfromexperience,areyoumeaningyouhaven’tfeltroughhandsonyourbodyyetorareyou meaningyou’renotintoroughhandslikeothersare?”

Shit “Thefirst BrucehadsofterhandsthanIdid,whichwasfine”

Xannodshishead,finishinghisdrinkmuchfasterthanIanticipatedhewould,andwhenhisphonerings,Ican’thelpbut wonderwhothehellitis Especiallyafterheignoresitandsetsitaside “CanIgetanotherone?” “Ofcourse.Youdon’tneedtoignoreyourphoneonmyaccount,bytheway,”IsayasnonchalantlyasIcan.Withmyback turnedtowardhimsoIcanmakehisdrink,it’salittleeasiertobreathe “I’mtechnicallynotaguestyouneedtoentertain anymore.”

“Yeah,Iknow,butwe’rehangingout.It’srudetobeonthephonenomatterwhoyou’rewith,right?”

That’ssettingabitofanoutlandishprecedent,butyetagain,Itakeitoutonthemintinsteadofhim Thesoundofme smackingitbetweenmyhandsandrubbingitfillsthespaceforalittletoolongbeforeI’msettingtheglassinfrontofhim. “Okay,then Nophones”

Minebuzzesonthetableinfrontofhimjusttobeadick,andI’msurprisedwhenhechuckles.“Answerit.Idareyou.” I’veneverbeenonetobackdownfromadareunlessitcouldsomehowharmme,andsomethingtellsmeXanderwon’thurt me.Smirking,IsnatchitoffthetableandholdtheexpressionevenonceIseeit’sJay.“It’sjustatext.Pleasehold.”

Jay: Got any plans tonight?

IcanfeelXan’seyesonmeasmyfingersdanceoverthekeyboard Icouldplaywithembers,orIcouldplaywithafully ragingforestfire.

Myapologiestotheanimals.

Me: Yeah, it’s my first night in a new place so I’m hanging with my roommate What about you?

There’snothinginappropriateaboutthetext,butIbitemylipanywayasIslowlysetthephonebackdown.“Sorry,Mr. Marino.Wherewerewe?”

“Idon’tremember”Hisgazeisnowlockedonmyphoneashedrinks,likehe’swaitingtoseeifhecanreadthereplyfrom

wherehe’sstanding.

Jay: Going out with some of my friends, but I can cut the night short if you ’ re down to hang later.

Consideringit’salreadypast8,Iknowwhatthatmeans Hedoesn’twanttoseeme,hejustwantstofuckme Asmuchas thatstingswhenitshouldn’t,Idon’tletitshowonmyface.

Me: Yeah, like I said, I’m busy tonight. Raincheck, though. Maybe for a night when I’m not an afterthought. Iputthephonedownagain,sittingasIcrossmyarmstomeetXander’seyes “I’mdone Whenisthatpizzasupposedtobe here?I’mstarving.”

Hegrabshisphonetocheckontheorder,butbasedonhowlonghetakestorespond,I’msurehe’scheckingatextofhis own.“It’slikefiveminutesout.Yousureyoudon’twannadrinkwithme?Youseemtense.”

“Who,me?”Ideflect.“I’mfine.I’mjusttryingtoworkoutifwe’replayingagameofTruthorDare,orifyoureally thoughtIwouldn’tdoit”

Hesnortsintohisdrink.“Ididn’tthinkyouwould.You’rewelcometodaremebacksoit’sfair.”

Noneofthisisfair Thefactthathedidn’tbendmeoverandspankmeisn’tfair,thefactthatIcan’tdarehimtoputhis roughhandsonmeisn’tfair,thefactthatIfeellikeIcan’tjusthaveastupidflingwithJayisn’tfair.Makinghimdosomething innocentandsafewon’tchangethat,butasthedoorbellrings,Igetanideathatmightjustsaveusbothinthelongrun.“Okay.I dareyoutocreateadatingprofile.Youdeservetobehappy,Mr.Marino.”Standing,Ibrushhisarmonthewaypast.“I’llgrab thatpizzaforus.”

ChapterEight:TheMovesLikeJagger

Xander

AsmuchasI’dliketosaymyobsessionwithLelandhasgottenbetter,itabsolutelyhasn’t.Infact,it’sonlygottenworsesince shemovedin.Idon’tevenknowhowtoexplainthereasonwhyIcheckherlocationevenunderthesameroof,butthatshitis sopreciseIcantellwhenshe’ssittinginourlivingroomorinherbedroom Ilikeknowingwhereshe’sat,andnowthatshe liveswithme,Ican’thelpbuttofeelevenmorepossessiveoverher.

ThinkingofJayonlypissesmeoffmorethantheotherguyshematchedwith,becauseIcanputadamnfacetothisdude, andIknowhowheis.Heisn’tatapointwherehewantsanythingserious,andevenifhewas,theyaren’tagoodmatch.

I’dlosemyfuckingmindifhetouchedherbeforeme hell,ifhetouchedheratall WhoamIkidding?Ifanyone touched heratall.

InevercalledhimbackthisweekendbecauseI’mprettysurehewasjustgoingtoinvitemetoabarorsomething,butnow thatI’mthinkingabouthimwhiledrivinghomealone,Idecidetofinallycall

“Whatup,bitch?Stilllettingthattinyhumankeepyoulockedupindoors,huh?”

Dick “Noshit She’sonlyfourmonthsold AmIsupposedtojusthandherabeerandtellhershe’sgotthis?”

Helaughs.“Whatavisual.No,you’resupposedtogetababysitterorsomething.Peopledothat.Youknowtakingtimefor yourselfishealthy,right?”

“Iknowthat,bu ”

“Didn’tyousayyouweregonnahireanannylasttimewetalked?Whathappenedwiththat?”

Himbringingherupatallhasmyjawflexing “Ihaveananny,butI’mnotgoingtomakeherworkevenmorehoursthan shealreadydoesjustsoIcangotosomebar.I’mnotintothatscenerightnow,Jay.Ijustwanttospendasmuchtimewithmy daughterasIcan”

“Iknow,FatheroftheYear.Butyoushouldn’tbedonewiththisscenesinceyou’restillsingle.Don’tyoumissgettingyour dickwet?”

Nofuckingshit.

“Coursethat’swhatyou’rethinkingabout.Youthinkaboutmydickoften?”

Helaughsagain “Everynight,Xan Oh,andwedidn’tevengotoabar WewenttoTopGolf Shitwasfun,andIswear there’smorechicksworthpickinguptherethanatanyofthelocalbars.Imissyouasmywingman.Youalwayshadthebest lines,man”

Rollingmyeyesatthememories,Itrytorememberthelasttimegoingoutwiththepossibilityofmeetingawomanexcited me.ItwasobviouslybeforeElise,becauseonceImetherwebecameacouple,andthenshecheatedonme,makingmevowto neverpickupagirlinabaragain.Butissomeindoorgolfingbullshitreallyanydifferent?Everyonegoestodrinkandmeet peoplewithloud-assmusic,soitsoundslikethesameol’shitatanewlocation.“Yeah,well,it’stimeforyoutowalkonyour own,Jay Areyougonnatellmeyouhaven’tbeenabletopickupchicksbyyourself?”

Hemakesa pfft sound,putsmeonholdtoorderTacoBell,thenkeepsmeonholdashehitsontheworkerandpullsher numberwithease

Yeah, sounds about right.

“Hearthat?YouknowIstillgotit,bitch.Shewasn’tthatcute,though.Ijustwantedtoproveapointsinceyoudoubtedya boy”

Idefinitelydon’twantLeetalkingtohim.Ijustdon’tknowwhatthefucktodoaboutit.“Whatever.IgotTindernow.I’m fine”

“Tinder?Thatshitiswhackninetypercentofthetime,butyou’llgetsomeeasyass.Imean,sometimesyougetbitches complainingaboutthe‘you up’textslikethatliterallyisn’twhattheappwasmadefor,butmostchicksareDTF It’sjust whetheryouwanttofuckthemornot.Howmanypeoplehaveyoumetupwith?”

I’msostuckonwonderingifhe’stextedLelandaskingifshe’suptofuck,Inearlymissthequestionheasked.“Uh,none.I justdownloadedtheappthisweekendandthendidn’ttouchit You?”

“Shit,Idon’tknow.I’vehaditafewmonthssincehalfmycrewisallmarriedordad-ing.Probablyliketwentyorso?” Stillaslut,whyamInotsurprised?“Youshouldgettested,”Itease,tryinglikehelltosoundnormal “Hey,Ialwayswrapup.I’mnotabouttobecomeyou.DidyouhearaboutShawn’snewgirl?”

“Nah Ihaven’ttalkedtohimmucheither”NordoIcare,becausehe’sanotheroneIdon’tseesettlingdownanytimesoon Ofthethreeofthem,IexpectedittobeRhodesnextsincehe’salwaysbeenalittlemoreromanticthantherestofus,buthe’s sofocusedonhiscareerIcanseewhyhehasn’tfoundtheoneyet.

“Thisoneseemslegit Hebroughtherthisweekendandshewascoolashell Hekeptwatchingherlikesomelove-sick puppy,too.Ithinkhereallylikesher.Asswasgreat,titsweredecentaswell.Littlesmall,butsherockedthem.”

Iwaitforhimtosaymoreabouther,maybesomethingabouthersenseofhumororhowsheheldagreatconversation

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TableofContents

ContentAdvisory:

Prologue:TheInterview Xander

Leland

ChapterThree:TheAlmostFakeDate

Leland

ChapterFour:TheLittleBrother’sAdvice Xander

ChapterFive:TheIceBird

Leland

ChapterSix:ThePictures Xander

ChapterSeven:TheSpankedMint

Leland

ChapterEight:TheMovesLikeJagger

Xander