No artificial intelligence was used inthe makingofthis bookor anyofmybooks. This includes writing, co-writing, cover artwork,translation,andaudiobooknarration
IdonotconsenttoanyArtificialIntelligence(AI),generativeAI,largelanguagemodel,machinelearning,chatbot,orother automated analysis, generative process, or replication program to reproduce, mimic, remix, summarize, train from, or otherwise replicate any part of this creative work, via any means: print, graphic, sculpture, multimedia, audio, or other medium.ThisappliestoallexistingAItechnologyandanythatcomesintoexistenceinthefuture.
It’s beena year to the daysince Matteo Segreto’s biggestmistake ruined the bestthinghe ever had, and nothing’s beenthe same All he cando is tryto move on, but his world is emptywithout the love ofhis life Alone and consumed byregret, Matteowoulddoanythingtoundothepast
Owen Carter just woke up to a world that’s all wrong. Everything in his condo is different. The streets outside have changed.Worstofall,hisboyfriendclearlydoesn’tlivewithhimanymore.
While theyworkto recover Owen’s memory, the exes slamface first into the past that Matteo wishes he could forget. Despitethehurtandbetrayal,theyalsocan’thelpbutrememberhowmuchtheyoncelovedeachother.
Butas the fogofsleep slowlycleared away, Ichuckled and rolled myeyes Matteo musthave beenprankingme He’d nevermessedwithmyalarmbefore,buttherewasafirsttimeforeverything
At that thought, an uncomfortable feeling needled at me. That ominous certainty that I was missing an important… something.
Becausemyalarmhadadifferentsound?Okay,thatwasridiculous.WhateverI’dbeendreamingabouthadstuckwithme onsomeunconsciouslevel,andIjustneededtograbashower,poursomecoffeedownmythroat,andshakeofflastnight No, something really is wrong
This was mybedroom The bed, nightstands, and one ofthe dressers were the same cherrywood setthathad beenthere whenI’d shutoffthe lightlastnight. The lampI’d turnedon. The blackoutcurtains coveringthe windows.Eventhe laundry basket palebluewithacrackunderonehandle wasright.
Onthewall,insteadoftheframedphotoofmeandMatteoinYosemite,therewasapictureofmysister,hertwodaughters, and me at… I didn’t even recognize the place. Alake with some mountains in the background, both kids holding up what lookedlikerainbowtrout.Ihadnomemoryofthatphotobeingtaken,orofwhatevertriporhikewemight’vebeenon.AndI wasprettysureIwould’venoticed andremembered mysisterbeingvisiblypregnant
Achillwentallthewaytomybones Apparentlymyguthadbeenright somethingwas wrong Islowlyturned and tookinthe other side ofthe bed. Itwasn’trumpled the wayitalways was after Matteo had leftfor work.Thepillowwasflatandunremarkable,notthespecialoneheusedtosupporthisneck.Thenightstandwasstillthere,but itwasbareexceptfortheotherlamp.Nocellphonecharger.Nowaterbottle.
One side was notempty, butitwasn’tfull ofMatteo’s things There were some randomboxes onthe shelfwhere his foldedscrubsweresupposedtobe.Ofthehangersonthatside,maybesixwereoccupiedwithsomeofmyshirtsandpants,as ifI’djuststuckafewthingsovertheretodealwithlaterortaketothedrycleaner.Hisshoesweregone.Thatboxofveterinary schooltextbookshecouldn’tbringhimselftogetridofwasgone.
As I wandered the condo, taking stock of all the missing evidence of my boyfriend, the panic intensified because they weren’tjustgone they’d been gone.Otheritems thingsofmine hadcreptintotheplaceswhereallhisweresupposedto be,fromtheclosettothebathroomtothelivingroomandkitchen.
And the more I took in the situation, the more I realized everything had changed Matteo had all but disappeared, but nothingelsewasthesameeither TheBostonfernhanginginthelivingroomwindow wasnoticeablybiggerthanithadbeen lastnight.ThedishesI’dleftinthestrainerweregone,andthethree-quarteremptybottleofsoapbythesinkwasnowalmost full.Thestackofmailonthecounterwas…different.Notthesameenvelopes.Notquitethesameplace.
The chairs onthe balconywere metal insteadofthe decrepitplastic pair I’dbeenmeaningtogetridof.Insteadofthree succulents onthe coffee table, there were six, includingone that still had a tagfromthe store I didn’t recognize the sleek laptopsittingontheendtablewheremineshould’vebeencharging.
Ileanedagainstthekitchenisland,strugglingtoabsorballofthisandnothaveacompletepanicattack Iwasn’tproneto them,butIdefiedanyonenottoshortcircuitinthefaceof this
AndwhocouldItell?They’dallthinkIwasinsaneand Imean,theymightnothavebeenwrong Inthatmoment,Ifeltthe farthestfromsaneI’deverbeenasidefromthatonetimeIdidafewtoomanyediblesatonce.AtleastIwasprettysurethat wasn’t happening right now. I’d never forget the feeling of being way too high with my thoughts slippery, not to mention resettingeveryfewminutes.Thismorning,Iwasdefinitelylucid.Iwasthinkingclearly.Wasn’tI?
God Ineededtotalktosomeone IdeallysomeonewhowasgoodunderpressureandcouldsortthisoutrationallywhileI mentallyunraveledthewayIwas thisclose todoing
He was a veterinarianwho worked withexotics, includingsome of the more dangerous ones. Thinkingonhis feet and stayingcoolinchaos?ThatwasahundredpercentMatteo
Thereweren’tanytextsorcallsfromhimeither.NoteventheonesIdistinctlyrememberedexchangingyesterdayafternoon whenhe’dletmeknow hisflighthadlandedandI’dtoldhimIwaswaitingatbaggageclaim Iknew thosetextshadexisted becauseIcouldstillfeelthelittleflutterof oh my God, you ’ re home whenmyscreenhadlitupwithasimplemessageof, On the ground.
Handsshaking,Iswitchedtoaninternetbrowserandlookedupthenameofhisclinic.Itcameup,and There
Matteo Segreto, D.V.M.
Aphoto,too,thoughthatmademedoaserious doubletake.I’dbeenwithhimfor sixyears,andI’dnever seenhimthat gaunt.Andevenlastnight,afteraweekataconference(whichalwaysworehimout)andthelongdayoftravelinghome,he hadn’thadcircles thatdarkunder his eyes Heusuallyhadabrightsmileinhis officephoto,too His expressioninthis one made me thinkthe photographer hadall butbeggedhimtoatleasthumor himand try tosmile,andthis was the bestMatteo couldmuster.
SuddenlyIneeded to see him. Immediately. Iwas freakingthe fuckoutaboutwhatever had happened to mylife and my mind,andnowIalsoneededtoknowwhatinGod’snamehappenedtomyboyfriend.
I tossed my phone aside and got up to get dressed Inminutes, I was out the door, and my panic didn’t get any better, becausemycondowasn’ttheonlythingthathadchanged
Itried not to notice that the chip inmywindshield was gone. Iinsisted to myselfthat the gas stationonthe corner had changedtoadifferentchainmonths agoandIjusthadn’tnoticed.Butgoddammit,Iwouldn’thaveoverlookedwhenthatold apartmentbuildinghadbeendemolished,andIsureasshitwould’venoticedwhenitwasreplacedbyagleamingnewCVS.In fact,Ihad just beentellingMatteoliketwoweeksagothatitwasgoingtocollapseandkillsomeone Fuck.Fuck,fuck,fuck.
BecauseIneededtogetmyterrifiedasstoMatteo’sclinic now
CHAPTER 2
MATTEO
“Are yousure that doesn’t need stitches?” Myvet techLia craned her neckto peer at the towel I was holdingaround my forearm “BecauseIthinkitneedsstitches”
There reallywasn’t anypoint inarguingwithher as if that ever stopped me fromtrying so I carefullyloosened my grasponthetowel.Shepeeleditback,whichhadmehissinginpain,andsheproddedatthewoundwithherglovedfingers. ApparentlysatisfiedIwasn’tgoingtobleedout,shegaveacurtnodandgesturedformetokeepapplyingpressure.
Thatmademeshudder,whichonlymademerealizehowshakyIwasfromadrenalineandbloodloss She sobered and touched my shoulder “Why don’t you go sit? I’ll bring you some water and we can wrap that up properly.”
Inodded,andIretreatedtomyofficeacrossthehall.Sinkingintomydeskchair,Isighed,relievedtobeoffmyshakylegs. This wasn’t that out of the ordinary. Getting clawed, bitten, stung, and burned came with the territory of treating exotics. Especiallyexoticspeoplehadnobusinessowning Everyonethoughtararógwas so cute,andeveryonewhohadonewas so happy, butJesus fuck, couldn’tpeople be contentwitha parakeetor something? Theywere aboutthe same size, waylower maintenance, and most importantly less dangerous. Even at parakeet size, a critter that had aspects of both falcon and dragoncouldstillfuckupsomeone’sworldbybiting,burning,or aswasthecaseofmypatientElzbieta clawingtheeverlovinghelloutoffleshwithhertoo-sharptalons.
AslongasitstoppedbleedingenoughthatIdidn’tpassoutorgetbloodallovertheplace,Iprobablywouldn’tevenget too far behind on my appointments today. No, that was bound to happen when I saw my eleven o’clock, which was an incrediblyfoul-temperedhellhoundnamedMuffinwhowashighlydispleasedabouthisconeofshame.Thatappointmentwas boundtobe
“I’m good I’m good” I sank back into the chair and willed the room to stop spinning “And my ex? Something’s wrong?”Ipeeredupather.“Whatdoyoumean?AndarewetalkingaboutOwen?”Icouldn’timaginewhoelseitwouldbe hewastheonlymaninthiscityI’deverdated.
Helookedather.Thenatme.“Ineedtotalktoyou.” Igulped.“Uh.”Iglanceddownatmyarm.“Allright.Ijust,uh…Weneedto…” “Ohshit!”His eyes widenedandhecamecloser,hands outas ifhewantedtohelpsteadymeor evencradlemyinjured arm “Areyouokay?Whathappened?”
The concerninhis expressionand his voice nottomentionhimbeingthis close to me all ofa sudden broughtme up short. He actuallysounded genuinelyworried. The same wayhe always had whenIpicked up some kind ofwar wound at work.
Thesamewayhealwayshad in the past.Becausethosedayswerefarbehindusnow,andIwouldn’thavebeensurprised atallifhe’dtoldmeIdeserveditandhehopedI’dbeenbittenbysomethinghellaciouslyvenomous This?Thewayhewassuddenlyinhisfamiliarmotherhenmode?Ididn’tknowwhattomakeofit
You don’t give a shit about me anymore. What the hell is happening?
ButIwasworriedabouthim,too,andIwantedtohearhimout,soIjustquietlysaid,“It’sfine.Ararógclawedmyarm.”I exchanged glances withLia She was obviouslyuncomfortable inhere, and she didn’tsaya word as she started layingout everything to dress my wound. Hopefully this wouldn’t take long; she didn’t need to be caught in whatever crossfire was coming.InoddedtooneofmyguestchairsandtoldOwen,“Haveaseat.We’lljustbeaminute.”
Hesatdown,andnoonespokeasLiagotstarted.Isworeafew timesfromtheantiseptic Christ,thatshitburned but mostly,Isurreptitiouslywatchedmyex
It also hurt like hell to see him. Just thinking about himthese days made me queasy with guilt, and the few times I’d stumbledoveraphotoofhimortorturedmyselfbylookingatoneonpurpose,I’dbeenamessforhoursafter.Imissedhim.I hated myselfforruiningwhatwehad,andnotadaywentbythatIdidn’twishIcouldgobackandundoallthatdamage Even ifIcouldn’tsaveourrelationship,therewasliterallynothingIwouldn’tdoifitmeantIdidn’thurthimlikeIdidayearago I wish I could tell you how sorry I am.
I wish I could tell you how much I still love you.
I wish there was even a single reality where I deserved a second chance with you
Itwasjustaswelltheantisepticwasburningmyarm Atleastthennooneinthisroomwouldquestionwhymyeyeswere wellingup.Undernormal circumstances,Liawouldprobablyribmeaboutit,butIwasprettysureshe’dkeepthattoherself this time. Fromthe way she avoided my eyes and worked fast, she was trying to finish up and get out of here as soon as possible. IfIhad to guess, she’d have preferred beingina roomwithanangryhellhound or a Gulonwitha toothache over stayinginherewiththetwoofus Couldn’tsayIblamedher
No,itwaslikehewasscaredoutofhismind Likehewas lost Fuckit.Igotupslowlytomakesuremylegsstayedunderme,camearoundthedesk,andgesturedforhimtodothesame. “Come here,” I whispered, and… oh God. He did. He wrapped his arms around me, holding on to me fiercely as he trembledandtriedtocatchhisbreath.
“I’mlosingmyfuckingmind,”hemurmuredunsteadily “Something’s Idon’tknowwhat’shappening,butI’m ” “Hey.Hey. Easy. Justbreathe for a minute.” Istrokedhis backwithmygood hand,pretendingthis wasn’tkillingme for multiple reasons. I’d beenachingto hold him. Ididn’tdeserve to be holdinghim. And Iwas also worried, and scared, and confused,and…
What the hell is happening?
After a moment, Owen drew back a little, but he didn’t pull away completely Looking in my eyes, he whispered, “Everythingis… different. The condo. Everythingonthe wayhere.” He did pull awaythis time, and he started pacingmy office,rakingahandthroughhishair.“It’slikesomeonecameinandjust…changedeverything.”
When he spoke again, his voice came out shrill. “Are you saying I’mmissing a year of my life?” Eyes unfocused, he breathed,“How Howthefuckdoessomethinglikethatevenhappen?”
Oh, there were ways There was plentyof magic that could fuckwithsomeone’s memory I’d never heard of someone losinganentireyear,butitwouldn’thavesurprisedmeifitwaspossible.
Ifroze.DidItellhimthetruth?BecauseIdidn’twanttolietohimandpretendwewerefriendlywhenhehadeveryreason tohateme.Atthesametime,inOwen’smind,wewereexactlywherewe’dbeenthenightaftertheconference.Whichmeantif Itoldhimthetruth,Iwasgoingtohurthimalloveragain Andthistime,I’dbedroppingthatbombwhilehewasalsodealing with his lost memory. He’d been in a good mood a year ago. Calmand chill, with no idea what was coming. One awful conversationlater…Well.Ithadn’tbeenpretty.
He’dclearedhisscheduleasbesthecould,butthereweresomepatientsonlyhecoulddealwith.Thehellhoundcomingin todaywas one ofthem None ofthe other vets inthe clinic would deal withthatviolentcreature, and Matteo had agreed to becomehisexclusiveproviderinexchangeforneverhavingtoworkonanotherbasilisk.Afairtrade,Ithought,butitmeanthe couldn’tjustleaveonamoment’snotice.
In the meantime, I hung out in his office and tried to pull my head together Not that I was having much luck in that department,becausewhatthehell?
Now thatIwashere,Ididfeel…Well,Iwouldn’tsayIfeltbetter.Marginallylesspanicked,sure,andlesslikeIhadto figurethisoutalone,butalsolikeI’dhadyetanotherrugyankedoutfromunderme.Ononehand,Icouldn’tbelieveIhadn’t madetheconnectionthatMatteoandIhadsplitupwhenI’drealizedtherewasnosignofhiminthecondo Ontheother,Istill couldn’t process it When? How? The missing year of my life seemed irretrievably gone now that I realized I’d forgotten somethingsosignificant.BreakingupwithMatteo? Thatwas somethingthatshouldhave hadits owncataclysmic dotonmy timeline,butitwasjust… gone.
Wemust’vebeenamicable,atleast.He’dagreedtohelpmeinsteadoftellingmetopoundsand,sothathadtocountfor something But I struggled to imagine how our relationship could’ve soured enough for us to call it quits Intellectually, I understoodpeoplecouldtapoutofrelationshipsafteranylengthoftime Hell,myauntandunclesplitupsixmonthsaftertheir fortiethanniversary.Itwasjusthardtoimagineusgoingfromblissfullyhappyto“eh,we’renotrightforeachother,let’sjust befriends”inamatterofmonths.
Mybloodturnedcold Had oursplitbeenamicable?BecauseI’dstayedfriendlywithexesinthepast,andIstillhadtheir contactsevennow.Westilltextedsometimes,orsenteachotherbirthdaywishesviasocialmedia.Ittookalotformetodelete someoneoutofexistence.
AndnowthatIthoughtaboutit,MatteohadseemedwarywhenI’dwalkedintohisoffice.Evenhisreceptionisthadbeen startled to see me, and whenI’d asked to talkto him, she’d givenme a looklike I’d offered to cleanthe kennels withmy tongue Notdisgusted,justabsolutelybaffledandwonderingwhatIwassmoking Shit.Maybeourbreakuphadbeenalittlemorecomplicatedthan“weweren’trightforeachother.”
I kind of wanted to ask Matteo or go digging through social media for some clues. But I was also still struggling to comprehendthattheshoestoreacrossthestreetfromtheclinicwasnowaDollarTree,somaybeIwasn’treadyforthe Why Matteo and Owen Really Split Up stoponMemoryLane
WhatIdiddowasscrollthroughsocialmediainsearchofsomekindofclueabouthowI’dwoundupinthispredicament. Apostaboutafaewho’dbeenthreateningme?Anill-advisedvisittoacursedplace?Imean,thosethingshappened.Oneof mycollege professors had a friend who’d angered the fae and beencursed withbad luckfor sevenyears, whichwas even worsethanitsoundedbecausethefriendwasaprofessionalgambler.Mybrotherhadgonetoacursedcaveonadarewhenhe wasateenager,andthetricksterintherehadlefthimspeakinggibberishforaweekbeforeourdadhadpleadedwithherfor mercy.
Icould remember those things clear as day, butIcouldn’tremember a single second ofthe lastyear ofmylife Fucking hell
Ilaughedbitterly Unforgettable Yeah Aboutthat Especiallysince,for thelifeofme,Ididn’tactuallyknow whoMarci was Fromcontext, I figured she was a coworker, but could I remember meetingher? Workingwithher? If she was a fun coworkerorthekindwhostolelunchesfromthebreakroomfridge?Didsheknow all theinsidejokesandgossip?No.Idea. Hell,Iwasayearbehindonalltheinsidejokesandgossipmyself.
JesusfuckingChrist.Freshpanicbubbledupinsidemeattherealizationofjusthowmuchwasmissingfrommylife,andI decidedsocial mediawas way toomuchrightnow I’dlostayear’s worthofcontextfor friends’postsandevenmemes and currentevents.Insteadoffillinginthegaps,itjustmadememoredisoriented.
Beyond the closed door of Matteo’s office, the clinic was suddenly alive with high-pitched angry barking. The sound echoed down the halls as, I assumed, Muffin the Hellhound announced his presence Fromall the stories I’d heard about Muffin,thishadtobehim
“Yes.Exactly.AndIstillmaintainthatchihuahuasareabreedoftoyhellhound,butnoonewantstoadmititbecausethen no one will buythem.” He huffed and rolled his eyes. “ThoughGod help me iftheystartbreedingthemwithpoodles. The actualhelldoodlesarebadenough.Ifsomeonebringsinachi-doodle,I’mretiring.”
Laughingfeltreally,reallygoodrightthen Notenoughtomake me forgeteverything,butenoughtogetme breathingand make me think there was some hope of recouping my sanity And few things made me laugh like Matteo ranting about
But I don’t want to remember deciding we didn’t love each other anymore I don’t want to remember losing you. Wasittoomuchtoasktoremembereverythingelse,buttoleavethatpartout?Probably,yeah.
His smile was reassuring. There was something in his eyes that made me uncomfortable, though. Something he wasn’t tellingme.
Why do I feel like, when this is all over, I’m going to wish I still didn’t remember?
AFTER I’D GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE, I’D GONE BACK TO MY HIGH SCHOOL TO VISIT A FORMER TEACHER. SHE’D BEEN AN amazingmentor,andshe’ddoneeverythingfromhelpingmegetintosomeadvancedprogramstogoingtobatformewhenthe administratorswantedtoignoresomehomophobicbullies We’dstayedintouchafterthat,andI’dpromisedtostopbywhenI movedbacktotown
Returningafter four yearsawayhadbeenaweirdmixoffamiliar andalien Someofthedécor hadchanged Therewere some new trophies in the case. The students all seemed way too young. The faculty who I’d seen every single day were suddenlylikerelativesIonlysaweverytenyearsattheoddfamilyreunion.ItwastheplaceI’dintimatelyknown,and…not.
I mean, I didn’t recognize the last several places, which probably made sense But the most recent was on Lohengrin Boulevard That was a few blocks over fromBaker Avenue, which was where a lot of the mages and fae set up shop In particular,itwaswheresomeofthelessthansavorymagicuserscongregated.Theoneswhodealtinsociallytabootypesof magiclikehexes.
Some small partofme wondered ifIhad gone inthere justfor spite. Icould be as pettyas the nextperson, and ifour breakup hadn’t been entirely amicable, it wouldn’t be beneath me to go to places he hated Though I hadn’t forgotten the reasons he’dhatedthatparticularpetshop,andregardlessofhow charitableIdidordidn’tfeel towardhim,IsuspectedI’d stillgivenMagickalMenagerieawideberth.
“Remember thatepisode of South Park withthe killer goldfish?” he’d ranted over dinner one night. “Remember the pet storewithalltheanimalsfromanevilparalleldimensionorwhateverthatwerebasicallymurderingeveryone?Thatplace had tobebasedonMagickalMenagerie Ithad tobe”
“I’m saying we have a cursed pet store selling animals that no one should be keeping as pets.” He’d yanked up his sweatshirtsleeve,revealingasmallbutnasty-lookingbiteonhisforearm.“That’sfromabettafish,Owen.Abetta fish. ” “Dothoseevenhaveteeth?”
“This one does! And it apparently thinks it’s half-piranha!” He’d flailed theatrically and made an exasperated sound “Knowingthatplace,itis half-piranha!”
Butsomewherebetweenthenandnow,MatteoandIhadsplitup.MaybeI had gottencuriousaboutMagickal Menagerie andwanderedintofindoutabouttheirSiamesefightingpiranhas
Yeah,thathadbeenanoccasional pointofcontentioninour relationship.Matteowas fascinatedbymedicine,whether it was humanor animal, and he was the guywho would yell atthe TVfor misrepresentingsomething. Or ifsomeone made an offhandcomment,he’dgooffonalengthybutwell-intentionedmonologueabouttherealitiesofbiologyandphysiology. Sometimesitwasendearing Sometimes notsomuch
Ididn’tlooktoocloselyatanyofthem Iknew Iwouldn’tremember goingtothoserestaurants or purchasingfromthose stores or evengettinggas at those stations. The last thingI needed was to jostle myalreadyfucked-up psyche more thanI alreadyhad.SoIjustglancedatthenamesofthebusinessesanddidn’tlookatwhatI’dbought,howmuchI’dspent,orwhen.
“This is fromthe night before last.” I peered at it. “Not quite sure what it’s for, though.” The itemlisted was simply Dearmad.“Dearmad?Whatthehelldoesthatmean?”Ididn’tevenknowifIwassayingitright.
Ialsowasn’tsureifhe should stay.Iwasmissingtoomanypiecesofourrecentpast.Inmymind,Matteowasstilltheman who’d gone to sleep beside me lastnight. Inhis mind, Iwas his ex. His exofatleasta few months. We were indifferent places,andIhadagiantblankspotwhereour breakupandall itscontextshould’vebeen.Ifhestuckaround,Iwasliableto reallyforget,andthenthingsmightgetawkward Especiallysince,inthatmoment,theonlythingIwantedbesidesmymemory backwastogetwrappedupinhimandforgeteverything.
Amomentlater,hewasgone,leavingmealoneinthecondohestill should’velivedin.Therewerestill hoursleftinthe day HoursIcouldspenddiggingintomyownpastandpiecingthingstogether
For thepastyear,I’dbelievedwholeheartedlythatIcouldnever feel worsethanIhadthedayOwenkickedmeout.Icould never feel guiltier thanI had ever since I’d cheated onhimand ruined our relationship Fromthat dayuntil now had been emotionalrockbottomforme Outsideofsomeoneclosetomedying,itdidn’t andcouldn’t getworse TurnedoutIwaswrong.Rockbottomhadafuckingbasement,andthatbasementwasOwen’spleadingeyesandopenarms, and thatwas whyI’d had to bow out. The clinic didn’texpectme backuntil atleastFriday. I’d justneeded to getmyhead together.
IpressedmyelbowbeneaththewindowandrubbedthebackofmyneckasIdroveonautopilotbacktomyapartment All this time, I’d been sure that nothing could ever cut deeper than watching him go from concerned to angry to devastated. Watchinghimtransformbeforemyeyesfromthemanwholovedmeintosomeonewhohatedmeandneverwantedtoseeme again.
Buttoday,we’dbeenstandingonoppositeendsofanawfulyear IwasrawandraggedfromhatingmyselfforwhatIdidto him Hewas still blissfullyignorant,lookingatmewithall thatloveIdidn’tdeserve Andthenhe’daskediftherewas any goingback.
“Goddammit,”ImutteredatthesteeringwheelasIwipedmyeyes.OfcourseI’dhavetakenhimbackinaheartbeat.There wasnothingintheworldIwantedmorethantobewithOwenagain.Buthe’dnevertakemeback.Neverinamillionyears. Right now, he couldn’t remember Sooner or later, though, he’d either remember or he’d find out He’d go through that avalancheofemotionsalloveragain
Iwantedtofixthissomehow,butIcouldn’t.TherewasnogoingbackandchangingwhatIdidinToronto.Therewasno pretendingI’dnevertoldhimaboutit,orthathe’dneverbeencrushedbyit,orthatbothofourworldshadn’tfallenapartthat day.I’dmadethebiggestmistakeofmylife,hurtthemanIlovedmorethananyoneelseontheplanet,andtherewas nothing I could do tochangethat Nothing
Livingwithallthatwashardenough.This?KnowingIcouldn’tshieldhimfromgettinghurtasecondtime?Icouldn’teven fitthatinto myhead. For the pastyear, I’d wondered more thanonce ifmyconscience mighteatme alive. Today, Ikind of hopeditwould.
Ideservedit IownedwhatI’ddone andall the consequences thathadcome as a result Whatabsolutelykilledme was how muchitaffected and continued to affect Owen Itutterly destroyed me to realize thatOwenwas eventuallygoingto relivethatgutpunchalloveragain,andtherewasnothingIcoulddotoshieldhimfromit.Soonerorlater,onewayoranother, he was goingto find outthe truth, and for the second time inhis life, he’d go fromsomeone who loved me to someone I’d broken.
ThathurtsomuchIcouldbarelybreathe TherehadtobesomethingIcoulddo Somefuckingthingto Ahornblared Iswerved,narrowlymissingthe pickupthathadalmostT-bonedme Tires squealed,andwe all stopped
AssoonasIfoundaplacetostop,IpulledoverandputthecarinPark.ThenIclosedmyeyesandpressedbackintothe seat. Wipinga shakinghand over myface, I tried to catchmybreath. Shit. I was so careful about not drivingwhile I was distracted Today fuck Icouldn’tdoanythingwithoutbeingdistractedbecausemyentireworldwasconcentratedintoone pinpointofanxietyandregret
GoodthingIwasn’ttreatinganypatientsrightthen.
Iopenedmyeyesandtookafewmoreslow,raggedbreathsasmyheartbeatsteadilycamedown.Theadrenalinestartedto ebb,butIdidn’tfeel better.Infact,now thatthe shakiness and oh shit fear were backingdown, all the other emotions from earliercamecrashinginwithavengeance
WhatcouldIdo?Icouldn’tkeepthiscardoutofOwen’ssight.Hedeservedtoknow.AsmuchasIdidn’twanttohurthim all over again,itwasn’tfair tokeeppretendingwewereamicableexes Yes,Iwantedtohelphimsortouthissituation,but whathappened whenhis memorycame back? Atthe same time, could he handle thattruthontop ofeverythingelse he was dealingwithrightnow?Hisentireworldwasonitsass.Wouldn’tIjustbekickinghimwhileIwasdown?
Staringout the windshield as the tears kept coming, I finallyhad a sense of certaintyabout something I needed to tell Owen,andIneededtodoitsoon
But…how?
Maybe what Ineeded was some advice. Ideallyfromsomeone who alreadyknew how badlyI’d screwed up, and who would skip tellingme whata stupid jackass Iwas and getto the partaboutwhatto do. Fortunately, Ihad justthe person someonewhohadalreadytoldmemillionsoftimeswhatafuckingidiotIwasfor cheatingonOwen andasithappened,I hadtheperfectexcusetohitherupforaone-on-one
Matteo: Hey I’m heading back to the clinic. Any chance you can take another look at my arm? Imust’vecaughtherbetweenappointments,becausetheresponsecamealmostimmediately.
Lia: You actually want me to look at it? It must be bad Get your butt back here immediately
ImanagedahalfheartedlaughthroughmytearsasIwrotebackthatI’dbethereinfifteenminutes Sheknewmetoowell I wasasstubbornastheycameabouthavingmywarwoundslookedat.Anynormalpersonwithanounceofself-preservation who’dbeenclawedtohell andbackbyacrankyrarógwouldbegettingtheir armcheckedover multipletimesbyamedical professional veterinaryorotherwise beforethedaywasover,andprobablytomorrowandthenextday,too.Suchwasthe natureofworkingwithcritters
Withthe textsent, Itooka few more deep breaths, thenpulled awayfromthe curb and backinto the flow oftraffic. My concentrationwasalittlebetternow,ifonlybecauseIhadamission Gettotheclinic TalktoLia DealwithOwen Thatwas enoughtokeepmycarbetweenthelinesandstopmefromrunninganotherredlight(whichiswhatIwasprettysureI’ddone
Owen: Hey, is there any chance we can talk more? Not gonna lie I’m not handling this well Really don’t want to be alone
Igroanedaloudandpressedbackagainsttheseat.IwasinHell,wasn’tI?Theraróghadactuallykilledmethismorning, and I was now in Hell. I was damned to spend all eternity being flogged by my own conscience via hallucinations of my amnesiacboyfriendstillthinkingIwasadecenthumanbeing.
