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The Violence of My Affection

Belfry Publishing

Copyright©2024bySorchaBlack

AllRightsReserved Noportionofthisbookmaybereproducedinanyformwithoutwrittenpermissionfromthepublisherorauthor,exceptaspermittedbyUS copyright law Thisisaworkoffiction Thenames,characters,placesandeventsinthisbookarefictional Anyresemblancetorealpeopleoreventsispurelycoincidental

This bookcontains darkthemes androughscenes thatwillbe disturbingtosome readers Visitwwwsorchablackcomformore information

This bookcontains scenarios thatshouldnotbe attemptedoremulated.

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Cover

CariSilverwood

Editor

NerineDorman

Tomy(adult)kids,who’ve cackledwithme aboutLoïcforthe pasttwoyears

Andtomyfellowneurodivergents,andourintense,beautiful,sometimes awkwardafexpressions oflove.

ChapterOne:Loïc

ChapterTwo:Tarryn

ChapterThree:Valor

ChapterFour:Tarryn

ChapterFive:Loïc

ChapterSix:Loïc

ChapterSeven:Valor

ChapterEight:Loïc

ChapterNine:Tarryn

ChapterTen:Valor

ChapterEleven:Tarryn

ChapterTwelve:Tarryn

ChapterThirteen:Loïc

ChapterFourteen:Valor

ChapterFifteen:Valor

ChapterSixteen:Valor

ChapterSeventeen:Loïc

ChapterEighteen:Loïc

ChapterNineteen:Tarryn

ChapterTwenty:Valor

Contents

ChapterTwenty-One:Valor

ChapterTwenty-Two:Loïc

ChapterTwenty-Three:Loïc

ChapterTwenty-Four:Valor

ChapterTwenty-Five:Valor

MorefromSorchaBlack

Loïc isn’t real. None of this matters

ChapterOne:Loïc

LoïcLeduc,Journal14

Theforceofmyheartbeatshookmyentirebody Darknessclungtomelikeashroud Weremyeyesopenorclosed?

Herfacecloggedmymind Beautiful.Austere.Cold.

IknewthatfacebetterthanIknewmyown.I’dlearnedtoreadeverymovementofmuscleunderheralabasterskin.Icould anticipateherwhimsbetterthanIcouldreadmyownhungerpangs.Anabundanceofmeaningwasevidentinthenarrowingof iceblueeyes.

Mybrother’seyes

Myown.

Shewasdispleased Icouldfeelherirritationgratethroughme,eventhoughshesaidnothing I’dfuckedup Ididn’tknow whatI’ddone,orfailedtodo.Irarelydid.

Thatwasthegame.

Mylife

Guess, Loïc. Stupid boy. Coldpricklescrawledupmyspine,andiceshudderedthroughmylimbs Ishutmyeyeshardandopenedthemagain,butshe wasstillstandingthere,paleandperfect,inthemiddleofmymoonlessroom. Ilovedherdesperately Forlornly.

She’dneverlovedme.Notevenalittle.

Mybreathsheaved,loudandragged

MartineworethesilkI’dkilledherin,herexpressionascoldasshe’dbeeninlife.Stilllovely,stillheartless. “You’reanightmare.Youalwayshavebeen,”Iwhisperedintothesilentroom.Thewordsdropped,shakingfrommylips. Treason Blasphemy

Shefrowned,althoughtootherpeoplethedifferencewouldbealmostimperceptible.Thequeenwasoffended. “You’renothere”

Shewasn’t,wasshe?

Whatifshewasn’tdead?

MaybeI’donlyrunawayagain.Maybepoisoningherhadbeenadream.

But no. Everyother time I’d run, she had me found. She’d beendead for years now. I’d seenher bodyinthe ornate gilt casket I’dhostedherfuneral Givenheracharmingeulogy

Hercold,deadeyesreflectedsteel.

Shelaughedatmyfear,thesoundmakingmefeelsmall

Groping,IfoundthewhiskeyglassI’dleftbesidemybed.Itwasheavyinmyhand,stillhalffull.Thecontentssloshedonto measIpulledbackmyarmandwhippeditather,thewaySeverinhadtaughtmetothrowaball Theglasssailed,unseen,into thedark,thunkingloudlyagainstawall.Ireachedoutagain,foundthelamp,thenswitchediton. Gone.

That’swhatIgotforsleepingonamattressandwiththelightsoff That’swhatIgotfortryingtoprovetomyselfthatIwasn’t acoward.

IgotupandcleanedthemessI’dmade,blottingeverydropofwhiskeyIcouldfind,unabletoleaveituntil morning,even thoughItriedtoforcemyselfto.

Sleepinginabedalwaysgavemenightmares,butitwastimeandmorethantime.Iwastooold toohuman tosleepon thefloor.Jackkeptremindingmeofthat,butitwasdifficulttoacclimateto.

Iranawhiskey-damphandthroughmyhair,thentuggedonahoodieandopenedthehiddenstairwell.Down,down.

Thebasementinmyemptyhousewaschilly,butnothumidlikehomehadbeen Itooktheheavykeydownoffthepegand turneditinthelock.Theclickwasn’tquiteright,butitwouldsuffice.

Thecarpenterhadn’tlikedworkingformeeventhoughwe’drarelyspoken PeoplecouldtellwhatIwas althoughinthis instancemaybethemandisapprovedofwhathe’dbeencommissionedtobuild.He’dprobablythoughtIwassomedeviantwho plannedtokidnapgirlsandkeeptheminmybasement.IwasprobablyonanFBIwatchlistnow.

Thekennelwasperfect.Evenifitwasn’tinanoutbuildinglikeathome,itlookedalmostthesame.Samedimensions.Straw onthefloor.

Thewholethingstillsmellednew,though,andtoofresh Itdidn’tsmelllikefearorbloodorpain Therewasnobucketin thecorner.

Under myfingertips the bars were icy For the firstfew months touchingthemhad made me feel like Iwas goingto piss myself.

Iwentinside,forcingpastthedread,sittinginthestraw,clutchingthekey.Forcingmybreathingtoslow,Istaredattheopen door,willingMartinetoswingitshut Ifshewasreal evenasaghost shewoulddoit BeneathMartine’s lovelyfaçade was the quietkind ofevil no one spoke of. Ifshe’d beencruel to me ina fitofpique or passion,Icouldhaveforgivenit IdoubtedI’deverinspiredstrongenoughemotioninherforthat Now,Imightbefree,butIwasallwrong.

Therealcagewasgone,yetitlivedoninmyhead

ChapterTwo:Tarryn

Pirateswerescarceinthearea,somysecondguesswasvampire.Whateverthemanwas,hewasthemostbeautifulpersonI'd ever seen,andconsideringwhowas intheclubtonight,thatwas aboldstatement.Or,itwouldbeaboldstatement,ifthere wasanyonearoundtomakeitto

Longish,messyblackhair,sensuallips,silverhoopsinhisears.Ifthatwasn’tbadenough,hewaswearingleatherpants,a faux-furvestwithnoshirt,andwhatlookedlikebikerboots Hehadthekindofbigdickenergythatwasimpossibletomiss Iwasn'tthekindofwomanwhodrooledoverpeopleIdidn'tknow,butthemanmademybrainglitch.

Fromacrosstheclub,IsawmyhusbandclockhimsecondsafterIhad.

“Letmeguess thatone?”ValoraskedasIreachedhisside Hebrushedhisfingertipsalongmybackwheremynewdress leftitbare.Ishivered.Whenheheldouthishand,Iputmyneatlyfoldedpantiesinit,whichhethentuckedintomyclutch.He hadn’twantedmetowearthematalltonight,buthe’dagreedtoletmekeepthemonforanhour

“Doyouseriouslythinkamanlikethatwouldlookatmetwice?”

“Absolutely unlesshe’snotintowomen”

Igavehimanaffectionateshovewithmyshoulder.“Areyousurewewanttodothis?”IhopedIdidn’tsoundlikeaprude. HewasfarmoreadventurousthanIwas,butIusuallyenjoyedhisgames whatevertheywere whenIgotusedtotheidea. “Thismightbeourlastchancetobackout”

“Idon’tthinkI’masjealousasIusedtobe.”

Hedidn’tthink hewas?

Thatwasn’treassuring.

But tonightwashisfantasy,notmine I’dfinallyagreedtolethimhavethis,butI’dsecretlyhopedhe’dbackout Ismiledupathim,thencontinuedtowatchthemanonthedancefloor.Itwasapackedhousetonight,anditseemedasifall ofthemostbeautifulpeopleontheplanetwerehere.Sure,Iwaspretty,butIfeltoutofmyleague especiallyifValorhadhis heartsetonthisspecificguy

Whowashe?Nooneevenknewaboutthisclubunlesstheyhadmoney musicians,actors,richbusinesspeople.Wewere onlyallowedinbecausemyhusbandhadbusinessconnectionsthatopenedsomedoors Myactingcareerwasdecentenough, butIwasoneofthelittlefishhere.

“Propositioningsomeoneforsomethinglikethiscan’tbethatmuchdifferentfromfindingacoupletowatchandbewatched by,canit?”Itriedtosoundconfident,buthadnoideaifitwastrue.

Hesmiledandshrugged.“Wealreadyknew thosecouplesfromkinkclubs.Thisisdifferent.Forallweknow,hecouldbe completelyvanillaandbehorrified.That’spartofthefun.”Valorsippedathisdrinkandslidhisglanceovertothemanagain, whowasdancingalone,eyesclosed,movingasthoughthemusicwasrunningthroughhisveins “Yourdefinitionoffunisgettingweirdereveryyear.”

“Youenjoymybrandofweird”

“Tilldeathdouspart.Ifourkinkskeepevolvingtogether,wemayjustmakeit,Mr.Davenport.”

“Wasthereeveranydoubtthatwe’dmakeit?”

“Idon’tknow.Youneedtostopdressingsowell.It’smakingmelookbad.” “Dulynoted.”

Ilaughedupathim,andhegrinnedback,brushinghislipsagainstmine God,Ilovedthiswild,gorgeousman.Iwishedwecouldspendmoretimetogether.

“Shouldoneofusgouptohimfirstandasktodance?Buyhimadrink?”

Mypulsewasthrobbinginmyearsalmostintimewiththemusic.Istillcouldn’tbelieveValorwantedtowatchmehavesex withanotherman Ialsocouldn’tbelieveI’dfinallycaved

Theghostofmyoldpurityringwasthoroughlytarnished.AtleastInolongerbelievedIwasgoingtoburninHellbecauseof ourkinks.

“I’mreallyhopinghesaysno,”Iadmitted

“I’veyettomeetastraightmanwhocouldn’tbeenticedbyagorgeousredhead.”Hetangledhisfingersinthebackofmy hairandgaveitafirmtugthatmademykneesweak

Myhusband’ssmileshouldbelabeledasacontrolledsubstance.Igazedathiminnervousadoration.We’dstarteddatingin fifthgrade.Inalltheyearssince,neitherofushadeversleptwithanyoneelse.HowcouldIlethimtalkmeintothis?Whatif myfamilyfoundout?

“Whatifyou’rejealous?”Iasked.We’dalreadydiscussedthistodeath,butIneededmorereassurance.“Whatifyoucan’t getoverit?”

“Iwon’tletascenarioI’vetalkedyouintoruinour relationship.It’smyfantasy,soit’smyresponsibilityifIhurtmyown feelingswithit”

Watchingthestranger,Igroanedinwardly.We’dsetoursightstoohigh.Themandancedwithillicit,unbridledsensuality.It wasimpossiblenottothinkaboutwhathewouldlooklikewhenhewasfucking. Myheartfluttereduncomfortably.

Evenimaginingthemannakedfeltdirtyanddisloyal,butifIwasgoingtodothis,Iwasgoingtoneedtotalkmyselfintoa heckofalotmorethanjustlettingmythoughtswander

IlongedtorunmyfingersthroughValor’sblondhairforreassurance,buthewastootallformetoreachit.Ilovedhimso much hadlovedhimsincewe’dmet andIwasterrifiedthatthismightmessthingsup ThelastthingIwantedtodowasbe Valor’sex-wife.Weweresupposedtobeattheoddsandstaytogether,despitealreadyhavingbeentogetherforever. “Iwanttotryitonce,okayNymph?Ifyouhateit,weneverhavetodoitagain.”

Healwayssaidthat,butIalwaysendedupabsorbinghiskinksasmyown Itwasfrustrating WasIthatimpressionable,or didheknowmebetterthanIknewmyself?

Iblewoutabreath “Ifhelaughsinmyface,you’repayingformytherapy” WithasmuchconfidenceasIcouldmuster,Imademywayontothedancefloor.How wasIsupposedtodothiswhenI’d neverevenflirtedwithastranger?

WhenIreachedthecrowdedspace,Iletthemusictakeover,tryingnottobeself-consciousaboutdancingwithoutapartner. IcouldfeelValorwatchingmeanddamnhim,mythighswerealreadyslick,andmynipplesfeltliketheyweregoingtopoke holesinmythindress Couldpeopleseemypiercingsthroughthefabric?I’dforgottentocheck Icouldstillfeelhistouchwhereithadlingeredonmybareback,andIshivered. Themancouldtalkmeintoliterallyanything

Thestrangerwasintimidatinglystunning tall,dark-haired,hardjaw.Heworehisclotheswithaneasyelegancethatspoke ofmoney Icouldn’tfigureoutifhelookedfamiliar Moviestar?Rockstar?Model?

Hisclothesskimmedhisbodylikethey’dpaidfortheprivilege.Hehadbroadshouldersandanarrow waistandhips,but thenagain,expensiveclothescoulddoalotforaperson Ifthisworkedout,I’dseethisstrangernaked.

DidIreallywanttoseehimnaked?

Well…yes.

ButdidIreallywantastrangertouchingme?No.Notevensomyhusbandcouldwatch. Theideawasterrifyingratherthanthrilling,butIwoulddoanythingforValor,uptoandincludingmakingafoolofmyself.It hadalwaysbeenthatwaywithus,andhehadrarelysteeredmewrong.

Ishiftedclosertothestrangerabitatatime,tryingtomakemyapproachlookaccidental,butprobablyfailingmiserably.By thetimeIwasinfrontofhim,I’dbeenonthedancefloorforatleasttenminutes.Itriedtopretendweweredancingtogether, buthiseyesstayedclosed Iglancedbackovermyshoulder,andValorwastakingacasualsipofhisdrink,buthiseyeswere sharp,fastenedonme,liketheyalmostalwayswere.

He was eagerlywaitingfor me to make mymove Icould see a hintofhis arousal inhis jeans, and Igave himthe most coquettishsmileIcouldmuster,eventhoughIfeltlikeIwasgoingtothrowup.

AsIturnedbacktothestranger,theman’seyessnappedopen,andhestoppeddancing God hiseyes.Theyweresopaletheywerealmostsilver.Hisgazewasunnerving. “CanIhelpyou?”hedemanded,hisaccentfaintandsexy,albeitirritable. French?

Igrimacedandbitmybottomlip.“I’m…sorry.Doyouwanttobealone?”

He turned to walkoffthe dance floor, butsnagged myhand as he did so, pullingme alongwithhim Surprised and a bit alarmed,Itrottedafterhim,hopinghewasn’tplanningtodragmedownthehalltoabathroom,orworse,outintoanalleyway. Valorwouldlovethat,butIwasn’tpreparedforanythingsopublic Ihadacareertothinkabout

Assoonaswewereoffthedancefloor,heheadedforaquietercorner.Atleasthehadn’tpulledmetowardsthedoor. “DidMartinesendyou?”Histonewassuspicious. Iblinkedathim “Who?”

Hestudiedmyface.Wow.Hiseyesreallyweredisturbing.Theywerestrange,wolfeyes,andtheymademefeellikeLittle RedRidingHood Itwouldmakeperfectsenseifamanthisbeautifulwassomesortofparanormalcreature,likeawerewolf orvampire.Menlikethisdidn’tconversewithmeremortals. “Nevermind.WhatcanIdoforyou?”

Yes,hewasdefinitelyFrench,buthisEnglishwasflawlessotherthantheaccent.

“We were wondering if we could buy you a drink,” Valor said, coming up behind me. I’d expected him any minute, consideringhe’dneverleftmeundefendedinalltheyearsI’dknownhim

“WhywouldIacceptadrinkfromnotone,buttwostrangers?”HeleveledhisgazeonValor,butmyhusbandwasusedto dealingwithpowerful,suspiciousmen “Idon’tthinkwe’veeverseenyouaroundbefore.”

“Istherearuleagainststrangersbeinghere?”

“No,ofcoursenot.I’msuretheclubwouldgooutofbusinessifnewpeoplestoppedshowingup.”Valorchuckled,butthe other mandidn’t evensmile politely. It was interestingseeingthe two of themstandingtogether. The stranger was tall and forbidding, withlongishdarkhair, while Valor looked like he could’ve beenthe star quarterbackat our highschool He’d alwaysbeentoobusyfor anythingother thanhisambitions.Itwashow we’dgonefromteenagerslivingoffofmacaroni and cheeseinashittyapartment,tobeingwherewewerenow,attheripeoldageoftwenty-eight

Thestranger’sexpressionheldthesortofennuionewouldexpectfromanimmortal.“Whatdoyouwant?”

“Whycomehereifyoudon’twanttosocialize?”Valorasked.

“Thesamereasonaseveryoneelse theenergy”

Valor signaled for a server. He ordered another drinkfor himselfbutIshookmyhead. There was no wayIwas drinking moretonight Heraisedaneyebrowatthestrangerwhogaveadismissiveflickofhisfingers “Thankyou,no.”

Sohaughty

Yeah, this guy wasn’t going to work out. Unfortunately, rather than moving on, Valor looked all the more intrigued. My husbanddidn’tlikeanythingasmuchashelikedachallenge.Itriedmybestnottorollmyeyesbutneitherofthemwaspaying attentiontomeanyway

“I’msorryifweinterruptedyourevening.”

“You’renotsorry”Hepaused “Areyousexworkers?”

Myunflappablehusband,whoconductedbusinessmeetingswithhigh-poweredexecutiveseveryday,chokedonthelastsip ofhisdrink

“Pardon?”

“Areyousexworkers?”

“No Idon’tthinkanyone’severaskedmethatbefore”

Ice-blueeyesmovedfrommyhusbandtomeandbackagain.“Thenwhatdoyoupeoplewant?”

Valorlaughed,butthemandidnot Itwashardtotellifhewasannoyedorintrigued Iwashopingforannoyed Ifhewasn’t interested,maybeValorwouldgiveuponthisidea,atleastfortonight.Wewereonlyintownforafewdaysbeforeweboth hadtoheadtoourrespectivehomes,andI’dratherspendthetimealonewithmyhusband. “I’mlookingforamantosleepwithmywife.”

Seriously?Iwantedtoswathim.Howcouldhethrowthatouttherewithouteventryingtomakefriendsandmaybeeaseinto

thesubject?Ifhewasgoingtobethisunsubtleaboutit,wecouldhaveputanadonline.Maybetakenoutadamnedbillboard.

Thestrangerlookedfromhimtomeagain.

“Doesshegetasayinthematter?”

“Ofcourse.Sheagreed.”

“Itwasn’tyouridea?”heaskedme

“No.Hewantstowatch.”IprobablyshouldhavemadeanefforttomakeitseemlikeIwasmoreonboardwiththeidea,but hey,ifValorwantedtolayhiscardsonthetablewiththisguy,Icoulddothesame

“Areyouhavingfertilityissuesorsomething?”

Valorseemedtohavelosttheabilitytospeakandstaredattheman.“No,why?”

“WhyelsewouldyoubeofferingthewomanIpresumeyouareinlovewithtoacompletestranger?Ifthiswomanwasmine, Iwouldgougeoutaman’seyesforadmiringhertoolong.Idefinitelywouldn’tbeofferingtoshareher.”

Wow I

Whywasthathot?

IhidmyrippleofmortifiedlaughterbyturningtogreettheserverwhohadreturnedwithValor’sfreshdrink,andtotakehis nowemptyglass.Atleasttheinterruptionbrokethesilence.

Ifmyhusbandwasthatviolentlypossessiveofme,wouldIbeflatteredorannoyed?Itwasdefinitelysexywhenthisguysaid it

“Everyonehastheirkinks.Justbecauseit’snotyourkink,doesn’tmeanthere’sanythingwrongwithit.”

Themangrunted

Whywasn’tValorgivinguponthisguy?Evenifhewasdeterminedthishadtohappentonight,theremustbeothermenatthe clubwhowouldbeabettermatch.

“Isthathardforyoutowrapyourheadaround?”

“Iwouldbetoojealous.MaybeIcouldsharemyloverswitheachother,butnotwithastranger.”

Long,strange hesitations stretchedoutbefore his responses He hadanintense wayoffocusinghis attention,too staring, thenavoidingeyecontact.Itmadehimdifficulttoread.Hot,cold,hot.

“Whatifthemanyouchooseisdangerous?Maybeyouinvitehimtoyourapartmentandhekillsyouandkeepsyourbeautiful wifeforhimself.Therearealotofcreepymenaround.”

Valorfrowned.“Areyouoneofthem?”

“Oneofwhat?”

“Oneofthecreepymen?”

Thestrangerconsideredit “Ithinkeveryoneiscreepyiftheytakeanhonestlookatthemselves”

“Well,that’sreassuring,”ValorsaidwithatwistofhismouththatIthinkwasmostlyasmile.

“You’retheonepropositioningastranger It’snotmyjobtoreassureyou”

Thetwoofthemstaredateachother,andIcouldalmostfeeltheenergycracklingbetweenthem,likeafightwaitingtobreak outormaybesomethingmoresinister.

“WillyoufuckmywifewhileIwatch yes,orno?”

Themanflashedanangrysmile.“Iwill,ifonlytoprotectherfromyourrecklessself-absorption.”

He didn’t look at me, but I was fluttery all the same That a complete stranger would do this to protect me fromother completestrangerswasludicrousbutalsostrangelychivalrous.

“Doyouhavesomewhereinmind,orwillthebackalleywaysuffice?”HesaiditsodrylythatforamomentIthoughthewas serious.

So,hewasdoingthisgrudgingly?Great.Thatdidn’tmakemefeellikeapitycaseatall. “Iwasthinkingahotelroom”

“Smartnottoinvitemeintoyourhome.Icouldturnintoanobsessivestalker.” “There’snoguaranteeanyonewemeetonanygivendaywon’tturnintoanobsessivestalker” Hechewedonthat,notlookinghappyaboutit.“Idon’tevenknowyournames.” “Doesn’ttheanonymitymakeitmoreexciting?”

“It’snotmyfantasy,soIdon’tfindanyofitexciting.Ifyoudon’twanttogivemeyourrealnames,atleastgivemefakeones touse.IusuallygotthatmuchconsiderationevenwhenIwasawhore.” IfhewaslookingtoscareValoroffwiththatstatement,hehadnocluewhohewasdealingwith “Awhore?”

“Yes Retired Doesthatshockyou?”Thispoormanseemedimpatientandaggravated,butIcouldtellValorwasintrigued “No,we’renoteasilyshocked.Iwouldn’thaveguessedyouusedtodosexwork,butthatdoesn’tmattertous.”

“Pleasedon’tfeelobligatedtodothis,”Icutin.Ithadtobesaid,andIwastheonlyoneinthesituationwhowouldbother sayingit.

“Oh,don’tgetmewrong.I’mperfectlywillingtofuckyou.Haveyoudonethisbefore?Pickedupastrangerataclub…or

wherever?”

“No.Neitherofushaseverbeenwithanyoneelse.”

Hegaveanod,asthoughusneverhavinghadotherpartnerswasn’tunusual “I’mLoïc” Sexyname itsuitedhim.

“I’mTarryn MyhusbandisValor”

Hestudiedusforamoment,thenledthewayoutoftheclub,notcheckingtomakesurewewerefollowinghim.

The car ride was awkward Valor encouraged me to ride in the backseat with the stranger, probably anticipating that somethingsexywouldhappen.Instead,Ifocusedontryingtostopmyhandsfromshakingwhilebothmenwatchedme Loïc covertly,andValorintherearviewmirror.

After whatseemedlike three hours butwas probablytenminutes,Valor pulledupata hotel,anda neatlyuniformedvalet cametotakeover.Abellhopgrabbedourbagsfromthetrunk.

Checkinginwasawkward LoïcandIstoodsilentlybyoneofthefrontwindowswhileValorspoketothewoman Itfeltlike everyone was staring, like everyone knew whatwas aboutto happen. Hopefully, theywere onlycurious aboutthe beautiful manIwasstandingwith

Ifanyonerecognizedme,thiscouldgetevenmoreembarrassing.

Ofcourse, Valor had chosensomewhere upscale. Amotel would have beeneasier, withanoutside door we could use to maintainsomeanonymity,butwehadn’tbeenpoorinalongtime,andValorhadbecomeallergictoanythingthatremindedhim ofourformermoneytroubles.

Eventheelevatorwasfancy

“Idon’tthinkthiswaswhatyourhusbandhadinmind,”Loïcsaidconspiratorially,aswewatchedthenumberszipupward. Ismiled,gladtoknowIwasn’ttheonlyonefeelingillatease.

“Yeah,Idon’tthinkhefantasizedaboutawkwardsilences.”

Loïcchuckled.Thestiffhostilityhe’dshownattheclubhadmeltedaway,probablybecausethecouplewho’dpickedhimup wereactinglikevirginaldorks

Valorgavemeasecret,excitedsmile,andIcouldn’thelpbutsmileback.

Theelevator door opened,andValor ledthewaydownthehall tooneofthetwosuitesonthetopfloor Loïcdidn’tseem impressedbythe lavishness ofthe hotel anymore thanValor was,buteventhoughIwas nervous,Iwas catalogingthe style choicesandadmiringthelightfixtures.

Valorusedhisthumbprinttoopenthesuitedoorandgesturedusinside.

Intheentryway,Loïctookmyhand,andslidmyclutchoffmywrist,thenputitonthesidetablebythefrontdoor.

Thesuitewasgorgeous,withavaultedceilingandsomanywindowsthatduringthedayitmustfeellikesittingontheface ofthesun.

Citylightswinkedfarbelow,asthoughwewereinaspaceshiphoveringfarabovetherestofhumanity “Whywouldyouaskastrangertodothis,ratherthanaskingsomeoneyouknew andtrusted?”LoïcaskedasValorflipped thedeadboltshut.

“Ithoughtitwouldbeeasierifitwassomeonewewouldn’tseeagain,”Iadmitted “Understandable.Condoms?”

MygazeclashedwithValor’s Hewantedtowatchanothermanfillmewithcum,butIwasn’tsosure “We’vebeentestedanddon’thaveanySTIs.You?”

“I’vebeentestedextensively,andI’vebeencelibateforafewyears” Really?Whywasaguythishotcelibate?

HisgazeshiftedfromValortome.“Areyousureyoudon’twantcondoms?Whatifyougetpregnant?”

“I’montheshot,”Iinformedhim,feelingmyselfheatwithanotherblushasthethrillofpossibilityranthroughme God,what ifhereallydidgetmepregnant?Theshotwasn’tahundredpercenteffective,butthechanceofmegettingpregnantfromone encounter was minimal especially since I’d been with Valor for years and had taken many more risks I was starting to suspectthatifweweregoingtohavebiologicalchildren,we’dneedmedicalintervention. Theideaofthismanfillingmewithcum,though breeding merightinfrontofValor itwasshockinglydirty Distressingly hot.

Hewaswatchingmewithcalculatingcuriosity,asthoughhewerereadingmymind.Heheldoutahandandwaited,hisgaze fasteningtomine,makingme feel like he was lookingthroughmyskin,x-rayingmyfeelings WhenIlaidmyhandinhis,he pulledmecloser,untilmychestwaspressedagainsthimandhewaslookingdownatme,closeenoughthatifheloweredhis headourlipswouldtouch “Doyouthinkhe’sjealousyet?”hestagewhispered. Hissmilewasalmostimperceptible,butaflickerofamusementinhispalegazemadehiseyeslesseerie. Valorhadsettledintoanarmchairacrosstheroom,apparentlydeterminedtostayoutofourway. “Ifhewasjealous,whywouldhewantmetodothis?”

“That’sagoodquestion.”

Hewrappedhisarmsaroundme,andItippedmyheadback,wordlesslylettinghimknowIwasfinewithhimkissingmeif hewantedto

“Noonebutyourhusbandhaseverkissedthismouth?”

Ibitmybottomlipandshookmyhead “Valorhasbeenmyonlyforeverything” Loïcfoundthebareskinatthebackofmydress andswepthis fingers upmyspine.Theywererougher thanIwouldhave anticipated notsmoothanduncallousedlikeValor’s TheawarenessthatIwasbeingtouchedbyanotherman,burstthrough me,aforbiddenthrill.Itwasn’toneofmyfantasies,butifitwaswhatValorwanted?Icoulddothisforhim. Myplanhadbeentotrynottoenjoyit,soIwouldn’tfeelsodisloyal,but… IwentuponmytoesandwrappedmyarmsaroundLoïc’sneck Tentatively,Iletmyfingersslideintohisdarkhair Ipressedmylipstohis,feelingsilly,notsureifIknewhowtokissright.Hekissedmeback,pullingmeincloser,histongue slidingbetweenmylips,openingmymouthwithgentleinsistence Myshudderwasinvoluntary,aswasmyquietgasp Iplayed withhishair,runningmynailsalonghisscalp,andhegroanedintomymouth.Wekissedforafewminutesasheslidhishands slowlydownward,thencuppedmyassandpulledmeclose Icouldfeelhiserection,andIrubbedagainstit,tryingtoimagine thiswasValor thathejustfeltdifferenttonight.Buthedidn’tkisslikeValor,orsmelllikeValor,andhishandswerebigger, harder.HewasabittallerthanValor,too,andthesweepofhishairbrushedmycheek.

Hebrokeourkissandpressedhisforeheadtomine “Yourskinissoft,”hesaidreverently “Yourmouthissosweet” I tried not to look at him, but his gaze insisted on eye contact, and then there was no way to pretend this man was my husband Theyweren’tthesameatallandtryingtotrickmyselfwasn’tworking Hepickedmeup,andIsqueakedinsurprise.Instinctually,mylegswentaroundhiswaist.IwasafraidtolookatValor,but thenwas afraidnotto.Iglancedhis wayas Loïc movedus tothe sofa.Valor lookedrelaxed,leaningbackinthe chair he’d claimed,buthisraptgazeandflexingjawtoldmehewasturnedon.

Loïcsettledontotheseat,withmeonhislap,straddlinghim,superawareofmybarepussyrubbingagainstthewarmleather ofhispants Myfacewashotwithembarrassmentashetrailedhiscuriousfingersunderneaththebackofmydresstomyass “Didsomeonestealyourpanties?”Loïcaskedgravely,asthoughImightwanttoreportthethefttopolice. “Hemademetakethemoff IspottedyoujustbeforeIhandedthemover” “So,you’retheonewhochoseme?”

Inodded,eventhoughithadtechnicallybeenbothofus.

“Icouldbeanyonewithadickanditwouldn’tmattertohim?” “Idon’tknow.You’dhavetoask.”

“Itdoesn’tmattertome Iwasonlycurious”

Heslidhishandsundermydresstocupmybackside.Hesqueezed,andletoutarumbleofappreciation.“Youhaveasexy ass”

Rather thanattemptto come up witha reply, Ikissed himagain. Itwas easier to reachhis mouthinthis position. Was it wrongthatIenjoyedkissinghimandthewayhewastouchingme?Hisfingersbrushedovermypussy,andIblushed,awareof how wetIwas Itfeltweird and forbidden, butValor had taughtme to enjoyso manyshameful things over the pastseveral years.

Icouldfeel himinthe corner,watchingus,soItriedmybesttolookprettyfor him,thenforgotabouthimagainwhenthe fingersbetweenmylegsfoundmyclithoodpiercingandexploreditgently.

“Naughtygirl”Loïcsmiledagainstmymouth “Notaninnocentlittlealmost-virgin” Ishookmyheadandwriggledmyhipstogrindmyclitagainsthisfingers,buthepulledthemaway.

Heslippedmydressoffmyshouldersandtrailedhisfingersovermybareskin,slowlyloweringthebodiceuntilthefabric glideddown,exposingmybreasts “Perfection.”

Iblushedatthepraise,knowingIwasfarfromperfectbutfeelingfarmoreconfidentbecausehewasattractedtome He explored me withhis hands, thenpulled me up to a highkneel across his lap. Leaningin, he tugged one ofmynipple piercingswithhisteeth,makingmegasp Hissoftlipslatchedon,andhesuckedmynippleintohismouth Joltsofheatspread throughmyalreadyoverheatedbody.Bythetimehegottomyothernipple,Iwaswhimperingandmakinglittlebeggingsounds thatseemedloudinthesuite’slivingroom.Hopefullytheplacehaddecentsoundproofing.

He moved his mouthbackand forth one breast, thenthe other He made me ache and itchand squirm, mycries getting louderandmoreplaintivethelongerhetorturedmypoor,eventuallysorenipples.

WhenIwasimpatientformore,hestoodmebetweenhiskneesandstrippedmydresstherestofthewayoff,thenremoved myheels.

I stole another glance at my husband, hoping this was okay with him wanting to know if it wasn’t. I couldn’t read his expressionforonce.Tornmaybe?Orwasthatjustwishfulthinkingonmypart?

WasitterriblethatIwantedhimtoregretlettinganothermantouchme?

WhenIturnedmyattentionbacktoLoïc,hisgazewasroamingoverme,lingeringonmyface,myeyes,mylips.Hestroked thecolumnofmythroatwithagentlehand.

“You’reverybeautiful,”hemurmuredlowenoughthatIdoubtedValorcouldhearfromwherehesat Ifeltablushheatmyfaceandneck.

“Yourhusbandisafoolforsharingyou Ifyouweremine,I’dlockyouaway” What?

Hepushedoffhisvest Beforethat,Ihadn’tnoticedthescars Therewereseveral,asthoughhe’dbeenthroughsomeshit It probablywasn’tpolitetoaskaone-nightstandwhathadhappenedtohim. Ifanything,thescarsmadehimhotter.Moredangerous.

His bodylooked like it had beensculpted bya meticulous artist who spent half of his time gazinglonginglyat his own creation.Everybulgeandangleandcurvewasperfect lean,butatrueworkofart.Hewasn’tbulkyenoughtobeaserious bodybuilder,buthewassoappealingtotheeyethatIwaslost,tryingtodecideifIshouldbeadmiringhisfaceorthepartsof himthathelditup.

“Doyouwaxyourchest?”Valordidn’t Loïc’swasperfectlysmooth,withoutahintofstubble Hismouthquirked.“No.Ican’tseemtogrowchesthair.Doesthatmakemehideous?” Asifanythingcould?

Ilaughed,andhiseyeslitwithsharedamusement

Hesatbackonthesofaandpattedhislap.Shaking,Iperchedonhishardthigh,feelingsmallandexposed.

“Beforewegoanyfurther,youneedtotellmeifthisiswhatyoureallywant”Hegavemeawickedsmile Itwasagood thingIwasalreadysittingdownbecausemykneesfeltliketheyweremadeofwater.“Hasthisgonefarenough?ShouldIleave soyoucanbealonewithyourhusband?”

IshouldhavelookedoveratValortoseewhathewantedmetodo,butLoïc’suncannyeyeshadarrestedme,andIcouldn’t lookaway.

“Don’teventhinkoflookingathim Tellmewhatyou want”

“I…” Myvoice faltered. Ididn’t know how to askfor what Iwanted. I’d never needed to ask Valor always knew. He alwaysgavemewhatIwantedinbedbeforeIevenknewIwantedit

Ifumbledwithhisbeltbuckle.

Hishandcoveredmine,gentlystoppingme.“Firstyouneedtoaskfor whatyouwant,andthenI’ll decidewhether you’re gettingit.”

Ajoltofpurelustranthroughmybones,alongwiththedesiretohidefromhiseyes.Hekeptmychinupandmadememeet hisgaze

“Useyourwords.”

“Iwantyoutofuckme,”Iadmittedhesitantly,watchinghisexpression,notsureifIwassayingwhathewantedmetosay Whatifhedidn’twantthisatall?Washereallyjustagreeingtoprotectme?“Andcanyoubeincharge?I’mnotanin-charge kindofgirl.”

Thedesireinhiseyesputmyconscienceatease,atleastwherehewasconcerned Hewasn’tsimplydoingthisoutofthe goodnessofhisheart.

“Doyoulikeitrough?”

Athrillofapprehensionstolethroughme.“Yes,”Ibreathed.“Nottooroughthough.Nomaimingoranything.”

“Doyouwantasafeword?”

Withastranger?Absolutely.“Ghostpepper?”

“Notabigfanofghostpeppers?”

“Toospicyforme Doesanyonereallylikethem?”

Hiseyesgleamedwithamusement.“I’llkeepthatinmind.It’sprobablyagoodsafewordforallofustonight.”HeshotValor alook,andValornodded

Hepickedmeup.Ithoughthewascarryingmetothebed,buthewalkedovertothewallwithme,puttingmybackagainstit betweentwoofthesuite’slargewindows

Nightwasthickandvelvetbeyondtheglass,andtheroomwasdim,butIstillwonderedifpeopleonthestreetcouldseeus iftheybotheredlookingup.

ThespotgaveValorafront-rowseat Heck,hewaspotentiallyinthesplashzone Thistime,Loïc’skisswashardanddemanding.Iwrappedmylegsaroundhishipsmorefirmlyandkissedhimback,letting myhusbandseemeputmytongueinLoïc’smouth,hopinghewasjealousashellandregrettingloaningmeout Iwas grindingagainst him, suckinghis tongue, whenhe broke our kiss and shoved me higher up the wall. Isqueaked in surpriseandclungtohisheadashehookedmythighsoverhisshoulders.Helaughedatmysoundsofdistress,hisbreathhot againstmydamppussy.

Hegroanedandburiedhisfacebetweenmythighs,givingoneofmypussylipsanipthatmademeyelp.Hebittheinsidesof

mythighs,leavingsharpteethmarksinthepaleflesh,makingmefeellikeI’dbeenmauled.Withagrowl,hegrabbedmyass andstrokedhistonguearoundmyclit,seemingfascinatedbytheclithoodpiercing,makingmewhimperwithfrustrationbefore zeroinginonwhereIreallywantedhim Hisbighandskneadedmyass,andhisfingertipsstrayedtostrokemyasshole,making mesquirmshamelesslyagainsthismouth.Ipanted,plantingmyhandsagainstthewallbehindme.Myfeetfoundpurchaseon hisflexingback,andIpushedmyselfathim,anglingmyhipsinsistently Hissexy,indulgenthuffoflaughterpenetratedthelustyfogofmybrain.Iwhined,wantingmore,impatientforhiscock.

WhenIwasshakingwithfrustrateddesperation,heslidmedownhisbody Hereachedundermeandlinedhimselfup,then impaledmyalready-slickpussyinaseriesofdeliciousthrusts.Hiscockwasthickandsoharditfeltlikeithadnogivetoit asthoughitweremetalratherthanmortal.

“Youlikeastranger’sbarecockinyourhotlittlepuss, ma jolie?”hewhisperedharshlyinmyear

Ishuddered,alreadysoclose,myimpendingorgasmmakingmylowerbellycramp.

Hewasbigandthepositionwasoverwhelmingtothepointofpain,butIneededhimsobadlyIwhinedbutdidn’tactually protest. Each of his thrusts was hard and wild, and he crushed me against the wall again, grunting, making me feel as substantialasadoll Withmyfeetonthebackofhiscalves,Itriedtoparticipate,buthedidn’tneedmyhelp Myheadfellback againstthewall,eachofmybreathsagaspofpainedpleasure.IwasunsurprisedtodiscoverIcouldn’ttakeallofhim,butI didwhatIcould,squeezinghimwithmyinnermusclesandtippingmyhipstogetabetterangle.

Acruelhandburiedinmyhair,makingmeshudderasheexposedmythroatandgrazeditwithhisteeth Maybehereallywasavampire.

Whatafuckingwaytodie

He slid his mouth up my neck to my ear. “I’mgoing to fill you with so much cum, your body will know it’s mine,” he growled,thenmovedhismouthlower,bitingmyneck,makingmyeyesroll back.Ihalfexpectedhisteethtoslidedeeper,to openmyneck, for myblood to spurtinto his mouth. Iground againsthim, hangingonto his slickback, everyflexofmuscle undermyhandsandthighsperfectandbeautiful.

Mypussywasdripping,hiscockwasslick,andmyclitwascrushedagainsthim,theeroticflexofhishipsrubbingexactly whereIwanted.

“Doyouthinkyourbirthcontrolwillholdout?”hewhispered “Ordoyouthinkyourhusbandisgoingtobestuckraisinga littleFrenchbastard?”

Ablushheatedmychestandneck.Myorgasmteetered,trembled.IfhesaidonemorefuckingwordIwasgoingtoexplode onhiscock.

“Yes,youlikethatidea,mydirtylittlepervert.”Hisvoicewasawarmrumbleinmyearthatmademybodyshakewiththe forceofmylust Everythrustwasmoreemphatic “I’mgoingtocomeinthistightlittlepussy I’mgoingtoputababyinyour prettybelly.MaybeI’llstealyouformyself.”

Igaspedasmybodytensed,locked Myhigh-pitchedwhinefilledtheroom “That’sright,woman.Milkmycock.Iknowmycumiswhatyoureallywant.”

Thefirstshudderingpulseofmyorgasmmademegaspforairandstruggleonthecruelbarofhisdick.

“Fffuck”Hegroanedagainstmythroat,gruntingthroughthrustafterthrustasIcamehard,squeezingmyeyesshutashiscock buckedinsideme,hotandslickandfillingmeup.

Mycheekswerewet WasIcrying?

Herubbedhisfaceagainstmine,holdingstillformuchlongerthanheneededto,hisslicknessslowlyslidingoutofmeand backontohim,anddrippingontothefloor He’dcomedeepinsideme Thehotliquidscaldedlikeabrand “Suchagoodgirlforme.”

Carefully,hewithdrewandloweredmetothefloor.Mylegswobbled.Hesweptmeintohisarms.

Hiswordsechoedinmyhead

My birth control shot will hold, right? “Fuckinghell,”someonemurmured Oh shit.

I’dcompletelyforgottenaboutmyhusband

ChapterThree:Valor

Iwasunreasonablyangry.

Wildlyhorny.

Jealousygrippedmeinbrutaljaws,andyetI’dhumiliatinglycomeinmyjeansandwashardalloveragain She’dtriedtobequiet,hadfailedmiserably,andnowtearswerestreamingdownhercheeks.

Hadhebeentoorough?He’dmanhandledherlikeshewasadoll

Or was she only overwhelmed…or was she upset about what I’d talked her into? She tried so hard to be perfectly submissive,butsometimesitwasaterrifyingresponsibilityknowingsheexpectedmetobeabletoreadhermind.DidIwant topushheralittlepasthercomfortzonetonight?Yes,butIabsolutelydidn’twanttotraumatizeher Shewasmyentireheart, andifIbetrayedhertrustinme,Iwouldneverforgivemyself.

Withabeautifulflexofmuscleallalonghisshouldersandarms,hecarriedherintothebedroom Hisbackwasbroadand artfullysculpted,andnarrowedtohiswaistandhips,wherehisleather pantshadslidlow,clingingtohisbody.Whenwe’d pickedhimupattheclub,I’dknownobjectivelythathewashot,butIhadn’trealizedhowcuthewasuntilhewashalfnaked I’dnoticedhisscarsattheclub,butthereweremorethanI’danticipated.Fromaman’sperspective,thescarswerecool,butI hadnoideawhetherTarrynfoundthemattractive.

Watchinghimfuckher had beenone ofthe mosterotic experiences ofmylife, and yetithad twisted me up knowingshe wantedhim,andthathiscockwasinsideher insidethepussyofthewomanIloved sharingthatintimatepartofherthathad onlyeverbeenmine

Thathiscum,ratherthanmine,wasdrippingdownherthighs.

Nooneelsehadeverevenkissedher,letalonebeeninsideher Nowsomeothermanhadcomeinsideher,andIwasfrantic togetinsideheragainandreplacehisclaimwithmyown.

The thought of sliding into her pussy when it had been left slick by some other man? It made my cock twitch so hard I worriedImightgetoffagainbeforeIevengotheralone

He’dwhisperedthatmaybehe’dtrytostealher,butmyNymphwouldneverleaveme.Notevenforhim.

She’dbeenminesincethedayshe’dbeenthenewgirlinourgradefiveclassandI’dsatwithheratlunch,baskingunderher fascinatedandfascinatingattention.

I’dbeenobsessedwithher.

Istillwas.

Was Ijealous? Fuck,yes. She hadliked this more thanI’danticipated, and had lookedfor mysupportand validationless thanI’dthoughtshe’dneed.She’devenopenedhispantsandhadparticipatedinthefucking,insteadoflyingpassively,theway I’dimagined thewayI’dtrainedherto Watchinghimpumpingintohernaked,helplessbody,hadbeenindescribablyerotic, though.Thearchofherbodyinhisarms.Hismouthonher.Theinterplayofmuscleinhisbackandass.Thewayhispantshad slidlow,showingmehisbody Iwantedtoseetherestofit.

Iswallowedatthethoughtofseeinghimentirelynaked Myballsfelttootightagain Whatthefuck? Itwasfinetoappreciatethephysiqueamanobviouslyworkedhardon,right?Admirationwasn’tthesameasdesire.Anyone wouldinspectthehardbulgesandflatplanesofhisbody.Itwasthesameurgeaswantingtorunfingersoversculptedmarble. Admiringbeautywasn’tinherentlysexual

Seeinghertightlittlepussystretchedaroundhisbigcockhadbeen… Ishuddered, wishingIcould have recorded some ofitto replaylater Their expressions The sightoftheir bodies fitting together.Hergorgeoustitsmashedagainsthishardchest.Hisveryvocalenjoymentofmybeautiful,treasuredwife. Thesightofhiscumdrippingfromherswollenlittlecunt

WhenIcouldn’tseethemfrommyvantagepoint,Ifollowedthemintothebedroom,myjeansamess,mycockstilldrooling andballsblue.

Whatdidheplantodowithhernext?Helaidheroutonthesheets

Tarrynwasglassyeyedandshutdown,thewayshegotintheaftermathofaspectacularorgasm,butifhisstill-impressive erectionwasanyindication,hewasn’tdonewithheryet Istoodinsidethedoorway,watching,notsureifhewouldgetfreaked out if I whipped out my dick and gave it some attention. It wouldn’t take much to relieve the pressure fromwatching him worshipingher the wayshe deserved. Iwas married to the mostbeautiful womanI’d ever met, and doingthis had beenas eroticasI’dhoped,watchinghimappreciatewhatwasmine whatwouldneverbehis.

Heturnedhisheadtolookatme,hispaleeyesalmostelectrifyingmewhereIstood.Ishuddered,andhecrookedafinger, summoningmecloser

Cautiously,Iapproached,wonderingwhathehadinmind.Maybehewantedmetoholdherdown,orforustodouble-team her?TarrynandIhadn'tdiscussedthataheadoftime “Onyourknees.”

What?

Istaredathim,realizinghewasbroaderthanme,andslightlytaller.Theideathathecouldprobablymakemedoitflashed throughmymind.Ithadbeenalongtimesincesomeonehadtriedtobossmearound.Iwasdominant,andIwasn’tintomen. “What?Why?”

“You’retheonewhowantedtoplaythisgame.Youinvitedmein.” “So?”

“Getonyour fuckingknees.” There was somethinginhis gaze thatletme know Iwasn’tthe ringmaster ofthis circus, no matterwhatI’dthought.

Ishookmyhead Swallowed “Idon’t playwithothermen”

“I’mnotplaying.”Hepointedtothefloorinfrontofhim.Hedidn’ttouchme,buthisjawhardened,andIcouldseeitallin myhead howIwouldrefuse,andhewouldforcemedown Maybeitwasonlymyimagination,butthemaliceinhisgazewas evilandcaptivating.“Thisis your fantasy.”

Thiswasn’tpartofmyfantasy

Isearchedhisface.Therewasnohesitationinit,nohintthathethoughtImightrefusehim.I’dneversubmittedtoanyonein mylife.Itabsolutelywasn’tmykink.

“Idon’tthink ”

“Ididn’taskyoutofuckingthink.”Hecaughtmebythehairandpushedmedownward.Ishouldhavefought shouldhave safeworded butinstead,Iloweredmyselftomyknees,mygazetakingineveryhardrippleofmuscleinhischestandstomach on my way down. His pants were open, in peril of slipping from his hips, and his cock jutted straight at me, imposing, glisteningwithhisandTarryn’scombinedcum

“Cleanthismess.” What?No.

Iwouldn’t

Absolutelynot.

Iliftedmygazetohis,assumingtherewouldbesomelast-minutereprievewherehewouldlaughandtellmehewasfucking withme.

Whywasn’tIgettingup?Pushinghimaway?Therewasnoguntomyhead,buthewasimpossibletorefuse. Why?

hadevermademefeelthatway.

“Idon’twanttodothis.”

“Itwasn’tarequest”

God,his eyes were cold.Calculating.Was he readingmymind? Couldhe see somethingI’dbeenhidingfrommyself? I’d neverwantedamanbefore,butIgotthefeelinghisgenderwascompletelyirrelevanttohowIwasfeeling MaybeIwasslightlycurioustoseewhatthiswaslike.Itdidn’tneedtomeananything.IfTarrynhadbeendoingthisforme sincewaybeforeweshouldhaveevenbeenthinkingaboutsex,Ishouldatleastknow whatitfeltlike Right?Itfeltweirdly fair.

“Idon’tknowhow,”Iadmittedsheepishly,regrettingthewordsastheyleftmymouth.NowhewasgoingtothinkIwasinto it worse, she wasgoingtothinkIwas “I’msureyoucanfigureitout.”

IglancedatTarryn Asdazedasshewas,shewaswatchingwhattranspiredbetweenus Theideaofdoingthiswasstrange enough,butdoingitinfrontofher lettinganothermandominatemeinfrontofthewomanIhadbeendominatingforever that wasacompletelydifferentstory WhatifIdidthisandwecouldnevergobacktothewaywewere?WhatifIdidthisandshe sawmedifferentlyforever?

You did this to yourself, jackass. Iwishedhewouldoverpowerme yankmecloser,notgivemeachoice Itwouldgivemeanexcuse Hislookofpatient expectationwasenough,andIwasashamedofnotwantingtofighthimharder.

Iclosedmyeyes

“Ah,ah,”headmonished.“Keepthoseprettyeyesonme.” Fuck,thiswashumiliating.Hot,buthumiliating. Hesitationwasonlyprolongingtheinevitable.

Ileanedinandlickedtheheadofhiscock,tastingmywifeonthethickheadofit.Hertastewassogratifyinglyfamiliarit waslikeatrickhewasplaying,maskinghimselfwithhertasteandscenttomakemeforgetwhathewasmakingmedo No.WhatIwasdoingwithverylittleprompting.

Idraggedmytongueoverhimagain,tryingtokeepmyeyeslockedonhis,realizingonlythenhowdifficultitwastodo How didTarrynmakeitlooksoeasy?Sosexy?

IhadafleetingthoughtthatIshouldaskherlater,buttheideaofrequestingblowjobpointersfrommysubmissivewifewas surreal.

“Goodboy,”herasped.“Nowtakemeinyourmouth.”

Ibristled,glared,offendedthathewouldrefertomeasaboy Wehadtobenearlythesameage BecauseofthelanguageI usedwithmysubmissive,aboutherbeingagoodgirl,ithittooclosetohome.

“Openforme Widernow Perfect”

Ihatedmyselfasheflexedhishipsandpushedtheheadofhiscockinside.Itfelthugeinmymouth,andItriednottogag.He tookmyjawinhishandsandstrokedit,closingmyreluctantlipsaroundhim.

“Nowsuck,Valor Makemefeelgoodwiththatpretty,sluttymouth”

Ifeltmycheekswarm,embarrassed,andturnedon,feelinglikeateenagerexperimentingbackwheneverythingwasnew. Hell,this was new

Self-consciously,Isucked,givinghimwhatIliked.ThenIrememberedtolistentohisbodythewayIusedtocoachTarryn todoforme Heleanedbackagainstthefootboard Washelookingforsupportfromthefurniturebecauseitwasgood,orwas heboredwithmyfumblingattempt?Howmanymenhadhedonethisto?Hewastooconfident,hisgazeunwaveringonmineas thoughhewerecontrollingmewithhismind.ItwasmoredifficulttodothanIthoughtitwouldbe,andIhadanembarrassingly shallow gagreflex, buthis hips stirred and he eventuallydirected me more firmlywithhis handful ofmyhair, his grip half eroticandhalfcruel.Hepusheddeeper,crooningtome.

“That’sright,pretty Openyourthroat”

Itwas humiliating, and Ihated it, and Ihated himas he made me gagand drool. Myeyes feltred, and Ihoped like hell I wasn’tcrying Itwas onlymyphysiological reactiontobeingsoclose topukingsomanytimes,right? How didTarrynbear this?WhenwewereyoungandIwastrainingher,I’dalwaysteasedherforbeingababyaboutit.Loïcquicklytaughtmemore respectforher forwhatI’dputherthrough,andforwhatshe’dlearnedtodoforme.

HowcouldIbegivingaguyablowjobandyetfallingmoreinlovewithmywifeeveryminute?

Myjawhurt.Mytonguewassore.

He pulled me off himbefore he came, but I could feel the tension in his body His orgasmhad been close, and I was unreasonablyproudofmyselfforachievingthatmuch.HewasgoingtogetupandfinishoffinTarryn,ormaybecomeonher tits.Thatwouldbehot.Myjawshurt,butmyhairhurtmoreashetuggedmetomyfeet.

HeletgoandunbuttonedmyjeansasIstoodthere,staringathim,frozeninsurprise.

Oh…heprobablyfeltlikeheowedmeablowjobnow.Havingaguyblowmewasaweirdidea,butitmadesensethatthis

wouldbereciprocal.

Heshoveddownmyjeans,andIwaitedforhimtonoticethewetmessfromwhenI’dcomeinthem maybetomockmefor it Damningprecumwasdrippingfrommydick “Allofitoff.”

Istrippednaked,completelyconfused Whyheneededallmyclothesofftogivemeablowjob,Iwasn’tsure,butIwasglad heunderstoodwewerebothdominant bothequal.MaybethiswouldsavemeinTarryn’seyes,atleastalittle.

“Verynice,”hesaid,perusingmybody “Now,turnaround” What?

He yanked onmyarmto make me turn, thenpushed me downover the end ofthe bed. Myhips caughtonthe edge ofthe footboard,tippingmyassobscenelyupward

“Youhaven’tbeenfuckedintheassbefore?”

What the fuck?

“N no.”

Hespat,andIgaspedatthefeeloftherudeliquidslidingdownthecrackofmyass Hespreaditovermyskin,lower,his fingerstouchingapartofmenoonehadeverdaredtotouchbefore.I’dneverevenexploredtheremyself,otherthantowash.

“No,Ihaven’tdonethisbefore.”Myvoicecrackedasoneofhisfingersinvestigated,coaxed,questedinsidejustalittle.I suckedinabreathandmycockbobbedalarmingly

“I’lltrytobepatient.”Hespatagain,addingmorelubricationasheconvincedmybodytotakehisfingerdeeper. Igasped

Ineededtostophimbeforethiswentanyfurther.Itfeltweird.Too…good.

“Anasslikethisandnoonehaseverfuckeditbefore?”Loïcsoundeddumbfounded.“Thisasswasmadeforaman’scock.” No,itwasn’t!

Wasit?

Insideme,hecurvedhisfingerandtouched something Hestrokedit,andmybreathhissedout Iclenchedmyteethagainst asurprisedcryofpleasure.Mydickstrainedandtwitchedindesperation,startingtoleaklikeI’dcome,eventhoughIdidn’t thinkIhad Yet

Handingcontrolovertohimfeltwrong,buthe’dsimplytakenit.Howhadweevengottentothispoint?Fuck Tarrynwas watchingus,andIwasn’tevenobjecting.

Imethergaze.She’dsuckedherbottomlipintohermouthandwasnibblingonitwithherstraightwhiteteeth.Hell,wasshe turnedonbythis?Wasmegettingsteamrolledintosubmittinghotforhertowatch?

BeforeIlostcontrol,thefinger insidemeretreated,onlytobereplacedwithtwo Mygutscrampedalarmingly,andIwas brought back to when I’d trained Tarryn to take me even though she’d been afraid and had complained about the same sensation Ibreathedthroughit,shaking

Ugh.Washespreadinghisfingers?Washeplanningtogivemethree? Hegotbehindmeandkickedmyfeetwiderapart. Whywasn’tIstoppinghim?

“Beagoodboyandholdstill.”

Wait

The safeword.

Irememberedthewords,buttheywouldn’tcomeoutofmymouth

Helinedhimselfupwithmyass,pausingasthoughgivingmeachancetoobject.Whenthewordsstalledinmythroat,andI didn’tsayanything,hepressedtheheadofhiscockagainstmyasshole.Iflinchedandshutmyeyes,willinghimtostop,orfor metostophim Instead,myheartpoundedrecklesslyas heslowlyworkedtheheadofhis cockinsideme,as thoughhewas confidenthisfuckingdonkeydickwouldfitintomyvirginhole.Hefeltsohuge,allIcoulddowasliethereandgasp,clutching atthebedsheets

IrealizedmyunfocusedgazehadfallenonTarryn.She’dcrawledcloser,herelegantbrowsdrawndowninconcern. “Itgetseasier,”shewhispered,smoothingbackmyhair

Itwas thoughtful ofher to say, butitfeltlike a lie. He was splittingme intwo. How did she fuckingbear this? Her little assholewassotiny,itmusthavebeenworseforher.Irememberedtalkingherthroughitthefirstfewtimes,convincedIknew whatIwasdoing,buttooyoungtobedoingittoanyone Hertearshadturnedmeon.Mademerecklessandstupid.

Now,Iwastheonewhohadhotwetnessdrippingfromtheireyes Ofcourse,Iwasn’tcrying,butthefeelingwassointense mythroatwastight,andmyeyeswereburninginsympathy,nodoubt,becausemyassfeltlikeithadbeensetonfire.Now,I wasafraid,inpain,jealousandangry,andturnedon.Iwasn’tsurehowtosortoutallthosefeelings,soIfellintohergaze,my dickhardashell,mybrainbeggingsilentlyforthistobeover.

“Suchagoodboy.”Loïc’svoiceremindedmeTarrynandIweren’taloneintheroom thatthiswasn’tsomerandompainI

hadtobear,butasexualactIwassubmittingto.

Iwasgasping,mymouthopen,probablyevendrooling.Myeyescouldn’tfocusanymore,andIshudderedatthefeelofhim inchingdeeperinsideme,hotandachinglypainful Sofull IfIaskedhimtostop,wouldhe?Iwasn’tsosure.

Whenhewasballsdeepinsideme,hecoveredmewithhisbody,holdingstillandlettingmeadjust

Hebitthebackofmy neck,andIclenchedaroundhim.Wegroanedfortwodifferentreasons.

Heflexedhishipsslowly,crooningtome Imadethemostungodly,un-dominantnoisethathadeverleftmythroat Igritted myteeth,andhisbreathwashotagainstthesideofmyface,curlingintimatelyaroundmyear.

“Fuck,youfeelsogoodclenchedaroundmycock.I’msoproudofyoufortakingallofme.”

Mycockbobbedinresponse Istartledashewrappedhishandfirmlyaroundmydick,thenimmediatelyregretteditwhenI becameevenmoreawareofhispresenceinsideme hisdominanceovermybody. “Howoftendoyoufantasizeaboutbeingfuckedbyaman?”

What?Never.Ofcourse,Ididn’t!

Ishookmyhead,silentlydenyinghiswords Hestartedtomovehishandonmycock,hishipsfollowingthetempo Itwas perfectlyawful,andawfullyperfect,andIwasn’tsurewhatIwassupposedtodootherthantrynottobegformercy.

Thehelpless sobs partingmylips embarrassedthehell outofme,butthesensationwas sooverwhelmingIcouldn’tmake myselfstop Mykneesshookeventhoughtheyweren’tsupportingtheweightofmybody

Hecuppedthebackofmyheadwithhisbighand,comfortingmeasthoughIwereananxiouspet.Myfacefelthotandred, andtearsprickedmyeyesastheyploppedtothecoverlet

“That’sright.Youknowwhoyoubelongtonow,don’tyou?”

Icouldbarelyunderstandwhathewassaying,andthehandstrokingmyhairmoveddowntocollarthebackofmyneck.My cocktwitchedinhis other hand,andhe chuckled,thrustingharder,stealingmybreath.“I’myour first.You’re never goingto forgetme.”

Iwhimperedananswerbutwasn’tsurewhatI’dsaidafterthewordshadleftmymouth Theyprobablyhadn’tmadesense “Yes,we’rebothgoingtorememberthis.”Hesaiditasthoughitwasromanticratherthantraumatic,butthelongeritwent on,themoreIwashavingtoforcemyselftofocusonhowterribleitwas Itwasmind-blowing,buthewasbeingmorecareful withmethanIprobablyhadbeenwithmywifethefirstfewtimes.

Tarrynleftusforamoment,andIreachedforherwithanxious,ineffectualhands.ShecamebackwiththebottleoflubeI’d broughtforher.

Loïcsighed.“IguessIcouldaddsomelube.You’vebeenaverygoodboyforme.Youdeserveit.”

The lube bottle wheezed, and he withdrew for a momentthenshoved backin, the silkyglide paired withhis thicklength feelingdangerouslyclosetoorgasmic.IhadthemomentarynotionthatifIopenedmymouthTarrynwouldbeabletoseethetip ofhis cockatthebackofmythroat Leaveittometogetseducedbyamanwithsuchabigdick Hehadnobusiness being anyone’sfirstforanything.

He groaned, thenpicked up the pace, drillinginto me. Myhips were bruisingagainstthe woodenfootboard, butIarched backtomeethim,ashamedofmyselfbutunabletohelpit

“Sogoodattakingmycock.”Heleanedovermeagainandbrushedhislipsagainstthebackofmyear,makingmeshudderas hetriggeredthebundleofnervesthere “Suchaneagerboy”

Hiscockgavemenomercy,andIsobbedintothebedspread,whilemywifemadesympatheticsoundsandstrokedmyhair. Ibitmylipstogether,tryingnottolooseahigh-pitchedsqueal tryingnottoletmyselfcome Iwassoclose,andhadbeen ontheedgeforwhatfeltlikehours.Heknewdamnwellhowtojerkaguyoffandkeephimpainfullyclosetotheedgewithout lettinghimgo over. Iwas desperate for relief. Myballs felttoo tight, like theymayburst, butIdidn’twantto give himthe satisfactionofmegettingofffromthis

Fromthemomentwe’dlaideyesonLoïc,itwaslikeeverychoicehadbeenstrippedfromme. “Iwanttofeelyoucome,”hemurmured,hisvoiceseductive Heangledhishipsdifferently,andIgasped,feelinglikeImightswallowmytongue. “Comeforme,Valor”Hishandonmycockwasn’tstoppingthistime Itriedtobreathethroughit.Ididn’twanttocome.Notlikethis.“No!” “Whatareyoutryingtoprove?Icanfeelhowdesperatelyyouneedto.Yourcockisdrippingeverywhere.” It was true My cock was leaking alarmingly, embarrassingly “Just do it I’mnot going to get off fromthis” I sounded stubborn,petulant,butIdidn’tcare.Iwasnevergoingtoseethismanagainanyway. Hegavearollofhishipsandgaspedinpleasure “Ofcourse,youare Icanfeelyoutremblingaroundme Youfeelsogood squeezingmycockwithyourtightlittlehole.Doesitache,prettyboy?Doyouenjoysufferingforme?” Ishudderedhard.Ididn’twanthiminmyhead,buthisvoicestrokedatmybrainthewayhishandstrokedmycock,andhis dickfelthugeandhardandfartoohorribleandperfectdeepinsideme. Astraybreeze,awrongword,andIwasgoingtolosemylastshredofdignity.

Iwhimpered, grindingmyteeth, butthe tensioninmyballs was too tight, and Iwas quakingwiththe force ofthe orgasm tryingtoslipitsleash.

Onethrust Another Iwasdoggedlytryingtooutlasthim,andheknewit Hisfingertipsbrushedovermyballs Ichoked The nextbrushofhisfingersandeverymuscleinmybodytensed,lettingmeknowtherewasnoholdingbackformenow.

“Ugh Fuck Yesss,”hehissed

Hissoundofsurrender,thevocalizationofhispleasure,tippedmehardovertheedge.Hipsstuttered,andhiscockbuckedin my ass My own pleasure snatched control, refusing to be repressed another second Every muscle in my back and thighs seized.

I whimpered a curse, but my brain entirely shut down as the first long, long spasmof my orgasmheld me in breathless ecstasy Myeyesslammedshut Thehandonmycockhadfrozen,squeezingtoohard,asthoughhisfingershadforgottenwhat they were doing. He stirred his hips, riding out my orgasm, his cock still pulsing inside me. My cum squeezed past the chokeholdhehadonmydick,andIsobbed Theorgasmseemedtogoonandon,andthentheaftershockskeptcoming Eachof histhrustsforcedcumfrommyass,andthehotslicknessstung.

I’dcomesohardIfeltlikeIwashigh

Gradually,realitycamecrowdingback.Mybodywashappyandsatiated,otherthanmyass,whichfeltlikeithadbecome acquaintedwiththewrongendofafireextinguisher.

Heslidhiscockoutofme Itfeltweirdashell

I’dletanothermanintomybody.I’dlethimtopme.

CowardthatIwas,Istayedsafebehindmyeyelids Ididn’twanttolookateitherofthem

Hewentintothebathroom,andIfeltthebeddip.Mymindwasstunned,swimming.Iached,andIhadasudden,veryreal appreciationforhowTarrynmustfeelafterIgotroughwithher.Tired sobonetiredthatIfeltlikeIhadn’tsleptinmonths. Sore,likesomeonehadbeatenmeinthestreetandstolenmywallet. Andmyclothes.

Andmydignity

“Valor?”Shepressednearandkissedmytemple.“Areyouokay?”

Iswallowed,tryingnottoletmystingingeyesoverflow again Shewrappedherarmacrossmyback,drapingherselfover meprotectively.Shekissedmymouth,andhersoftlipsfeltstrangeandsweet.

“I’mfine.”Myvoicewasacroak.

“Idon’tthinkyouare.”

Neitherofussaidanythingforafewminutes,andthenthebathroomdooropened.Ipushedmyselfupandturnedover,taking herwithmeandholdingherinmylap Guiltily,IrealizedIwasusingherasashieldsohewouldn’tseehowmessedupIwas atleastnotrightaway.

Loïcstrodeintotheroom,completelydressed Helookedaroundlikehe’dnever beenintheroombefore Hewenttothe sideboardandpouredhimselfadrinkanddownedit.Washetryingtowashthetasteofusoutofhismouth?

“Are youleavingalready?” Tarrynvoicedthe questionIwas toorattledtoask.He turnedwithanunruffled,casual air as thoughhehadn’twreakedhavoconusandpotentiallyourentirerelationship Butthen,thatwouldbemyfault,nothis “Thankyoufortheinvitation,”hesaidformally,asthoughwe’dhadhimoverfordinner.“It’sbeen…anexperience.” Hegaveusanodandwalkedoutthedoor,notgivingusabackwardglance “Um,okay.Bye?”Tarrynstaredafterhim.

Thedoorshutwithanemphaticclick

“Iguesswewon’tbeseeinghimagain,”shesaid,hertonehintingatamusementeventhoughhereyeswerewide.Ithinkshe mighthavebeeninshock.Webothwere.

ThesoundImadewasslightlyhysterical,soIstopped Myasswasleaking,andIwashopingIcouldsithereforeverandnot havetodealwiththemessIwasmakingofthehotelbedlinens.Iwouldhavetostealthebeddingandfuckingburnitwhenwe gothome

“Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenyounotinchargebefore.Itwashotbutalittleterrifying.”

“I it was It just sort of happened” I was babbling I’d never felt so weirdlyout of control Mybrainwas rattling aroundlikeahandfulofballbearingsinatincan.Noiseandnorealthoughts.

“Whydidn’tyoutellmeyouwereattractedtomen?Ididn’tknowitwassomethingyouwantedtotry.”

Myneckheated “Ithadnevercrossedmyminduntilitwashappening”

HadIevenbeenwilling?Itwaslikeeventshadbeensetintomotionandplayedouttoaninevitableconclusion,andmyown desireshadbeenirrelevanttotheoutcome

“Oh,Valor.Didhetakeadvantageofyou?”Herhandtightenedonmyarm.“IwassobrainlessafterheandI…ThenIwas tryingtofigureoutifIshouldstophim,butyoudidn’tsayno,andIdidn’twanttointerrupt.Iwasn’tsurewhattodo.”

“No.Icouldhavestoppedhim,butIletithappen.Ididn’tneedrescuing.Likehesaid,itwas…interesting.Itwasn’tagainst mywill.” Ipulledher closer,stallingfor time.Myleakingass was freakingme out.Idefinitelydidn’twanttoshuffle tothe

ChapterFour:Tarryn

Hewasfreakingout.Hehadawildlookinhiseyes,panicked,likeananimalinatrap.

“I’mgoingtogiveyouaminutetogetintotheshower,andthenI’mgoingtojoinyou.”

I’dseensubdropinamirrorsomanytimesthatIrecognizedit IhadneverseenValorfreakout,notevenwhenmyfatherhad insistedwegetmarried,orwhenthey’dkickedusouttofendforourselves.

“Icantakeashowerbymyself Youdon’tneedtocomein”Hewouldn’tmeetmygaze “Yeah,Ido.I’mnotleavingyoualoneinthereevenifyouthinkthat’swhatyouwantrightnow.”

IhandedhimaboxoftissuesandthewastebasketIfoundintheattachedbathroom,thenwentintothelivingroomandturned onthetelevisiontohavesomethingtodowithmyhands,andthenervousenergyrunningthroughmybody Iwassore Icould almoststillfeelthestrangerinsideme,claimingspacethathadalwaysbeenreservedforValor.Mythighswereslickwithhis cum

Whenwe’dtalkedaboutthisintheory,I’dassumedValorwouldbejealousanddesperatetoreclaimwhatwashis,butValor hadgottenmorethanhe’dbargainedfor Now,hewasreeling,andIwasfeelingprotective

Iflippedchannels,tryingtoworkthroughmyemotions.EventhoughthewholethinghadbeenValor’sidea,Iwasfeelingso muchguiltforenjoyingit.Ishouldn’thavegottenoffsohardwithanotherman.Itwashugelydisloyalofme.AndwatchingMr. Always-in-Controlsubmittoanotherman?Thathadbeenfuckinghot NowthatIknewhewasupsetaboutit,Itriednottothink abouthow I’d gone frommyownorgasm, to havinga hands-free one fromwatchingthem. They’d beenbeautiful together lighthairanddark,gorgeousfacesandsinfulbodies

Iclickedthroughafewchannels,thenstaredatthescreenwhileamanshoutedaboutwhyIneededtobuythefoodprocessor hewasdemonstrating

Afterafewminutes,IcouldhearValormovingaroundinthebedroom.Iwantedtosit,butthatwouldnecessitategrabbinga toweltositon,andtherewasnowayIwasinvadinghisspaceuntilIheardtheshowerrunning.Cleanupmightbeemotionally taxingforhim IknewI’dwantedprivacyafteranalthefirstmanytimeswe’ddoneit

EvenwatchingValorsuckacockhadbeenhot.Itshouldn’thavesurprisedmethathe’dbegoodatit,consideringhowgood hewasatgoingdownonme Theprinciplewasthesame,eveniftheequipmentwasn’t Idoubtedhe’dseenthewayLoïc’s neckhadcordedandhisjawhadgonetightashedidhisbesttoservicetheman.

I’d always thought my husband was drop-dead sexy, but now, having seen himwilling to let someone else take control, willingtoseewhatitwaslikewithaman,itmademeappreciatehissensualityallthemore.Hewasbeautifulinsideandout,

andIwassoinlovewithhimitmademyheartache

Mybellyclenched.Ididn’tknowhowtohandleafull-blownfreak-out,andtriedtothinkthroughallofthetimesValorhad givenme aftercare whenIwas fallingapart, and whathad worked the best Loïc had fucked offwithoutso muchas giving Valorapatonthehead,andfromthelookinhiseyes,myhusbandwascrashing.Thenagain,Loïchadappearedalmostequally fuckedupaboutwhathadhappenedbetweenthem,asthoughhe’dmelteddownandcheckedout IdoubtedValorhadnoticed that.

TheshowerhadbeenrunningformaybetwominuteswhenIletmyselfin Steamwasalreadycollecting Valorwasstanding underthehotspray,eyesclosed,lettingthewatersluiceoverhimfromthetopofhishead,downhisneckandchest.Oneofthe nicethingsaboutstayinginanexpensivehotelroomwasthattheyalwayshaddecentwaterpressure.

Islidintotheshowerwithhim,nottouchinghimatfirst Hehadtohaveheardthedoorclose,buthedidn’tgreetmeoreven lookmyway.

“Youokay?”Iaskedquietly

“No,”headmitted.Thatwashuge.Valorrarelyletonifhewasupsetaboutsomething,sothishadseriouslyfuckedhimup. “I’mgoingtohugyou,okay?”

He pressed his lips together, and I thought he would refuse, but then he nodded. I moved under the water with himand wrappedmyarmsaroundhiswaist,pressingmyheadtohischest.Westoodtherewithmeclingingtothefrontofhimlikea babykoalawhowasn’tsureifitsmotherwasgoingtorejectit Hedidn’ttouchme,butheallowedmetotouchhim Atleastit wasastart.Ipressedmyhandsagainsthisback,tryingtogroundhim.Heshudderedandexhaledashakybreath.

“Whathappened?”

Hewasaskingme?“I’mnotsurewhatyouwantmetosay.Ifyouwantmetotellyouhowyouendedupsubmittingtohim,I don’tknow.Itwasall verysudden,andIdidn’tunderstandthepowerdynamicbetweenthetwoofyou.Helookedintoyour eyes,andyouobeyedhim.Itwaslikemindcontrolorsomething.”

“That’showitfeltforme,too.Itwaslikehetookovermybrainandmademedowhathewanted.Hell,hemademewantit inthemoment,eventhoughI’veneverwantedtosomuchastouchamanbefore,letalone ” “Dowhathedid,”Ifinishedforhimwhenthesilencebecameawkward.

“Exactly”Heheavedasigh,hisbroadchestliftingandfallingwiththeexaggeratedbreath Iplantedakissonhissternum andrubbedmyfacethere.

“Sometimesthingshappenintheheatofthemomentthatdon’tmakesense,butthatdoesn’tmeantherewasanythingwrong withit.It’sanexperienceyoucancheckoff.”

“ThishasneverbeenonanylistofthingsIwantedtotry,”heprotested.“Iletamanfuckmeintheasswhileyouwatched.” Hewaslookingatmenow,asthoughheexpectedmetoflinchathiswords “I’mgladIwaswithyou.”

Hefrowned “Whyareyougladyouwerethere?Youdidn’tfinditdisturbingtoseeyourdominantbeingdominated?” “There’s always goingtobe a bigger dog,nomatter whoyouare,Val.So,we crossedpaths withsomeone whohadyour numberinthebedroom.Howoftendoyouthinkwe’regoingtomeetsomeonelikethat?We’realmostthirty,andthisisthefirst timeit’shappened Itmightbetheonlytimeitwilleverhappen,andnowyouknowwhatit’slike” “Youdon’tthinklessofme?Youdon’tthinkI’mweak?”

“Don’tberidiculous Thatmancouldseduceaninety-five-year-oldnunifhesethismindtoit Thatdoesn’tchangewhoyou are.Thatdoesn’tchangewhowearetoeachother.”

Hekissedthetopofmyhead,andhischestconvulsed Atfirst,Ithoughtitwasasilentlaugh,butthenIrealizeditwasasob hehadn’tgivenvoiceto.

“Iloveyou.I’msorryIdidthistous.I’msorryIpushedyouintodoingthisstupidhotwifethingandthatyouhadtoseeme submittoanotherman”Hedrewanotherquickbreath Washetryingnottocry? Ihuggedhimtighter.

“I’msorryIwassoexactingwhenIwasteachingyouhowtogivemeblowjobs,andhowroughIwasthefirstfewtimesI tookyourass.Ihonestlyhadnofuckingidea.”

“Welearnedtogether”

“Iwassuchanidiot.Aself-centered,ignorantasshole.”Hisvoicehitchedonthelastword.Washisaching?

“Didhemakeyoubleed?”

“No Thankfullyheknewwhathewasdoing,unliketeenageme Youshouldhaveleftme”

“Never.It’snevercrossedmymind notonceintheentiretimewe’vebeentogether.”Ismiledagainsthischest.“Noteven thetimeAlexHutchisonaskedmeout”

Arumbleofangerfilledthesmallshower.“AlexHutchisonneedstobecurbstompedwithinaninchofhislife.” Igiggled.“Youcan’tstillbemadaboutthat.”

“I’mstillbitterheneverbecameabusinessman.Iwouldbuyhisbusinessthenburnittotheground.”

“ValorDavenport,”Iplayfullyadmonished,“Alexwasaniceboy.Wewerealsothirteen.”

“TarrynDavenport,”hereplieddarkly,“Alexwasastupidcunt,andIbrokehisnosetomakesureherememberedwhoyou belongedto.”

“Soviolent,”Imurmured,rubbingupagainsthim Thiswasfamiliar territory Ihadbeenteasinghimaboutthisever since Alexhadaskedmetoourmiddleschoolgraddance,andValorhadlosthisshit.IstillfeltbadforAlex.Inevershouldhave toldValorhe’daskedinthefirstplace,butIhadbeenflattered

Finally, he lifted his arms. Rather thanhuggingme, he cradled the backofmyhead, pressingmyface againsthis chest. I kissedhimthere,rubbingmylips againstthe crisppatchofchesthair thatstill feltlike a relativelynew developmentinour relationship,eventhoughithadbeenaroundforalongwhile.

“Youreallydon’tthinkthisisgoingtochangethingsbetweenus?”

Inanswer,Idroppedtomyknees,wincingatthebiteofthetileagainstmybareskin Ilickedtheheadofhiscock Ittwitched againstmytongue.WatchinghimwithLoïchadbeenhot,butI’dalsobeenjealous.Ididn’thavetheattitudeor rightpartsto makehimfeel thewayLoïchad Oncetheshockworeoff,whatifhewantedmore?CouldIhandlesharinghimwithmen?I wouldinsistonhimtakingmealong,attheveryleast.

“Iloveyou,husband”

“Iknow,Nymph.You’remywholeheart.”

Itookhimdeepintomymouth,suckinghimthewayheliked,hishandburiedinmyhair,directingme. Weneededtotalkmore,butrightthenreconnectingandlettinghimdominatemefeltmoreimportant

ChapterFive:Loïc

Loïc excels at things that do not force him to feign humanity.

LoïcLeduc,Journal14

IpacedatthefootofthelowbeduntilJacksatup.Theyrubbedattheireyesandgrimaced,thenleanedoverandflippedonthe bedsidelamp

“Haveyoubeenherelong?”Jack’svoicewasgarbledwithsleep. “Idon’tknow Fifteenminutes?Thirty?”

“Whattimeisit?”

“Aboutthree,Ithink.”

Theylookedoutthewindowtoconfirmwhat?Thatitwasstilldarkout? “Roughnight?”theyaskedblearily.

Ihookedmythumbsintothepocketsofmyleatherpantsandshrugged “TroublewithMartine?”

“No”

ItfeltlikeIwasvibrating.Atleastmyteethhadstoppedchattering.Istrodetotheloft’skitchenarea,pouredmyselfadrink, thenreturnedtoJack’sbed.

“Isn’titabitearlyforwhiskey?”

“Isitevertooearlyforwhiskey?”Isatdowninmyusualspotonthefloorandpressedmybackagainstthewall. Nothingfeltreal

Loïcwasn’treal.

“Youknow,youcouldtrysomethingwildandseemeduringtheday” “Wouldyouevenrecognizemeindaylight?”

Jackranahandthroughtheirrumpledhair.ThesheethadfallentotheirwaistandtheirthreadbareT-shirtdidlittletohide howstickthintheystillwere Itmademeuncomfortable IfJackgotsick,therewasn’tenoughmeatonthemtokeepthemfrom

dryingup and blowingawayinthe nextmoderate wind How would Igetthroughlife withouthavingthemto vomitup my problemstoeveryfewdays?

MaybeIwasn’tpayingthemenough Moneymadenosense Numberswereotherpeople’stoolsandamysterytome “Didsomethinghappen?”

“Iwenttoaclub”

“And?”

“Igotpickedup”

Theysighed.“No,youletyourselfgetpickedup.Don’tblametheotherperson.”

“Iknow,butIbrokemyvow.”

Whatwasthatlook?Weretheydisappointed?Angry?ComparedtoMartine,theyweresohardtoread Evenaftertwoyears oftherapywiththem,Ididn’tknowthelanguageoftheirexpressionswellenoughtoreadthemfluently. Iflinched,wantingtomakeitbetter,butthetruthwasthetruth “You’renotamonk.Youneedtocutyourselfsomeslack.”

Theywereabsolvingmeofguilt justlikethat?

Frustrated, I sipped at my drink. “What’s the point of making a vow if you’re not going to keep it? I’mdisgusted with myself.”

“IfIbrokeavowI’dmadetomyself,whatwouldyousaytome?” Igavethemanirritableshrug.

“You’dtellmenottobesohardonmyself,”theycontinued “Breakingyourvowdidn’thurtanyone,didit?” “Idon’tknow.Imighthavehurthim.”Iblewoutabreath.“Hemademeunreasonablyangry,butItriedtobekindwhenhe submittedtome.”

“Angrybecausehetemptedyou?”

“Because becauseIfeltforced.IfIhadn’tfuckedhis wife,hewouldhave foundsomeone else todoit.Idon’tthinkshe wantedtobethere,butifithadn’tbeenme,itmighthavebeensomeothermanwhodoesn’tbothercontrollinghisdemons” “Yougotpickedupbyacouple,andthehusbandwantedtowatch?” “Yes”

“So,youfuckedhiswifetoprotectherfromcreeps?” “Yes.”

“Andshewaswilling?”

“Shewas,butthenIfuckedhim,too.”

“Hewasn’twilling?”Theirquestionwasgentle,butIcouldfeeltheedgeddisapprovalIwasseeking “Hewaswilling,Isuppose,butIshouldn’thavedoneitoutofspite.”

Theysighed “Everyonewasokaywhenyouleft?”

“Moreorless.”

“Soundslikethere’snoproblemexceptforinyourhead.Youdidn’tkillanyone.” “Notthistime”

Theysighed.

Itookanothersipfrommyglass,andtheliquidburnedawarmpathfrommymouthdowntomybelly Ireallyneededtostop self-medicatingwithalcohol.Jacktoldmesooftenenough.Theydidn’tsayanything,butIcouldfeeltheweightoftheirgaze onthetumblerIheld Isetitdown

“Thankyou.”

“Myapologies.”

“You don’t need to apologize You’re using it to dull the edge of your trauma I wish you’d agree to take an actual prescriptioninstead.Alcoholisadepressant,andyoudon’tneedthatinyourlife.”

Myeyesstung

“I’mproudofyouforcomingtotalktomeinsteadoflettingthisfesterforafewdaysfirst.” Akernelofwarmthgrewsomewherearoundwheremyheartwassupposedtobe Havingsomeonebeproudofmeshouldn’t havebeensuchathrillingprospect,butitfeltgoodforamomentbeforeItampeditdown.

“Youknow,youcouldsavebothofustimeandmeanxietybymovinginwithme.”

“Like I told you the last five times you asked, I think if I did that, we would end up emotionally enmeshed, which is apparentlynothealthy.”Theypattedthestackofpsychologybooksnexttotheirmattressonthefloorandpushedbacktheirmop ofbluehair

“IregretthedayIboughtyouthose.”

“Well,inyourdefense,youdidn’treallythinkIwouldreadthem,didyou?” Ichuckledbecausetheywereright,andtheyknewit.

“Youdon’tneedtokeeplivinglikethis,”Ipointedout.

“Likewhat?It’saniceapartment.”

“It’sadecentapartment.”

“Ihaveakitchenwithappliancesthatwork,andIhavemyownbathroom Idon’tthinkI’llevertakethatforgranted”

Isighedandrubbedahandovermyeyes.IpulledawadofcashoutofmypocketanddumpeditonthefloornexttowhereI wassitting Igottomyfeet

“Areyouleavingalready?”

“Yeah”

Theyslidbackdownintobedandpulledthecoversupovertheirchin.Lightglintedofftheirdoubleeyebrowpiercing.“You knowyoudon’tneedtopaymeeverytimeyoucomeover.”

“Yourtimemaynotbevaluabletoyou,butitistome”

“IfIwasarealtherapist,Icouldunderstandyourneedtopayme,butI’mjustme,Loïc.”

“That’sthemostridiculousthingyou’veeversaid”Iscratchedatthestubblealreadycominginonmycheek “Ifitwasn’t foryou,wherewouldIbe?”

“I’msureyou’dbefine”

Igaveaderisivesnort,slidopenthewindow,thensteppedoutontothefireescape.“HaveIeverbeenfine?”

Children are exuberant chaos. Sticky and full of questions Hope in a dark world.

ChapterSix:Loïc

LoïcLeduc,Journal14

IwasgreetedbyapasselofenthusiasticmuttsassoonasIopenedthedoor.Therewassomethinggratifyingabouthowexcited theygoteverytimeIcrossedthethresholdintotheSolis-Leduc'shouse Mysister-in-lawoftensaidIhadawaywithdogs,but Ijustknew whatitwasliketobeone.Ienviedthesedogs.Eachofthemhadnamesandpersonalitiesthatweretreatedwith respectbythepeopletheylivedwith.Theirlikesanddislikesweretakenintoconsideration.

AsIclosedthedoorbehindme,ProsperoranatmefulltiltandjumpedintomyarmsasthoughIhadn’tseenhimtwodays ago.

“Wherewereyou?”hedemanded,hissweetvoicefilledwithreproach “YoudoknowIdon’tlivehere,”Isaiddrylyashecrawledoutofmyarmsandontomyheadandsettledontomyshoulders. “Iknow,butyoucould, mon oncle Youcouldhavethebedroombesidemine” “Yourparentshavehaveopinionsaboutthat.”

“Wecanhideyouinmypileofstuffies.Theywon’tseeyou.”Icouldfeelhimlaughing.Therewasnowaytohangontomy morosemoodwithmynephewusingmyfacelikearock-climbinghandhold “Where’sConcordia?”

“She’snappingwithMama” “AndhowisyourMamafeeling?”

“Sick,sick,sick!Daddysaidshethrewupher toenails!”Hesoundedbothhorrifiedandimpressed Rodrigoenteredthefoyerandtossedtheteatowelhe’dbeendryinghishandsonoverhisshoulder.“Iseeyougottheofficial householdgreeting.”

“IfIeverdon’tgetgreetedwithatoeinmyeye,I’mgoingtofeelcompletelyneglected”

Rodrigolaughed,hishandsomefacedistressinglymorehandsome.TherewasatimeI’dthoughtIwasinlovewithhim,and withthislife,butnowIknewdesperationandlonelinessweren’tthesameaslove.

“Whereismybrother?”

“Settingthetable.”Heslappedmeontheshoulderandtousledhisboy’shair,thenheadedbackthroughthehouse nodoubt tothekitchen

I carried Prospero throughto the diningroom, makingsure to pretend I might drop himat anymoment, as a good uncle should

“IhaveitongoodauthorityMinnowisthrowinguphertoenails.”

Severin’sbrowslowered.IshouldhavethoughtthingsthroughbeforeIteasedhimabouthowsickshewas.

When I’d first found Severin, I’d been jealous He was surrounded by people who doted on and adored him Now I understoodwhy.Severinwasodd,buthewasthebestmanIknew.Hefelteverythingsostrongly.Lovedsodeeply.

Ithadtakentime,butnowIunderstoodthiskindoflifecouldneverhappenforme Itriednottocare,butknowingI’dnever besolovedwasaknifeinmyugly,mangledsoul.Nothinginmewasworthyofwhathe’dearned.

“Didshekickyououtofthebedroom?”Icontinued,notsurehowtosmooththingsoverwithhim

Iwatched himfoldingnapkins, whichIassumed Rodrigohad senthimtodo to keephimoutofeveryone’s hair. Prospero wiggledimpatientlynowthatIwasboringlystationary,andIhelpedhimdisembarksothathedidn’tfallonhisadorablehead.

“Shedoesn’tlikewhenIfuss”Hefoldedthenextnapkinwithunnecessaryprecision ProsperogotonachairandthenclimbedontothetableandpaddedovertoSeverin,topathisfaceandgivehimakissonthe forehead

“Thankyou.”

“Don’tbesad,Fang,”hesaid,kissingthetipofhisfather’snose,too.“Thedoctorsaidshewon’tbesickanymorewhenthe babiescomeout.”

“That’sagoodthingtoremember.”Hesmoothedthechild’shair.

“It’sokaytobeworriedandhavealotofbigfeelings”

“That’s true, Frog.” He was tryingnotto smile atthe earnestness inhis son’s eyes. “Maybe youcanhelp me setthe table whileDaddyfinishescookingandMommyrests”

Iwenttowashmyhands andthenjoinedthem,notcorrectinghow theysetthe table,eventhoughitwasn’thow Martine’s servantshaddoneit.Inthishouse,puttingtheforksinthewrongorderwasn’tacrime.

Nomatterhow oftenIcameover,Icouldn’tspendenoughtimehere,watchingthethreeofthemwiththeirchildren.Itwas likewatchinganaddictiveTVshowwithnoplot.IhadlearnedmoreaboutfamiliesfromwatchingMinnowandRodrigothanI everhadinchildhood

“Areyouexpectingguests?”Iasked,noticingthathehadsetouttwoextraplates.Thetablecomfortablysattwenty,butthey rarelyhad companyinthe house other thanvisits fromRodrigo’s family, and mybrother’s brother Church, and his family Therewereonlytwoextraspotsthough.

Severingrimaced.“FriendsofRodrigo’s,”heintonedasthoughitwereterriblenews.

“Doyouknowthem?”

“No,Ihaven’tmetthem.”

FriendsofRodrigo’s?Knowingmybrother-in-lawandthewildpartieshe’dapparentlyhostedbackintheday,Icouldonly imaginewhatthiscouplewouldbelike.MybrotherandIstaredateachotherforamoment,andofcourseProsperonoticed.

“Meetingnewfriendsisfun”

Bothofuslookedattheboy,silentlydisagreeing,butlovinghimtoomuchtosayso.Theboyhadsomuchofhismotherin him,andhungonhereveryword.

“Ofcourseitis”IwishedIsoundedmoresincere TherewasagoodreasonwhyIonlyspenttimewithSeverin,hisfamily, andJack.

Prosperoskippedofftowardthekitchen

“You’reokaywithstrangersbeingaroundthechildren?”

“Ithinkit’sabadtimetohavecompany,andofcourseIdon’ttruststrangersaroundthechildren,butIwasoutvoted”

The same way he’d been outvoted when it came time for Prospero to go to school. Severin had wanted him to be homeschooled,butbothMinnowandRodrigohadrefused,sayingheneededtobearoundotherkidshisage.

“Minnow knows them, too Neither her or Ro would put the children in harm’s way,” my brother said grudgingly They soundedlikewordshehadbeenrepeatingtohimselfsincehe’dfoundoutcompanywascoming.

Thedoorbellrang,andthedogs,whohadbeenmillingaround,tookofftogreetthevisitors

“IfI’dknownyouwereexpectingcompany,Iwouldhavestayedhome.”

“IfMinnowwouldhaveletme,Iwouldhavetakenthechildrentoyourhouse,andwecouldhavewaitedthemouttogether.” Hiseyestwinkledwithhisdry-humoredmischief.“Asitwas,IdecidedthatifIhavetosufferthroughit,sodoyou.”

“Don’tyouthinkyoushouldgoanswerthedoor?”Iasked.“Rodrigoisbusyinthekitchen.”

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