Beautiful Delusions
A Dark Why Choose University Romance
Maddison Cole
Dirty TalkPublishing Ltd
MaddisonCole
FirstpublishedinGreatBritainin[2024]byDIRTYTALKPUBLISHINGLIMITED
Copyright©[2024]by[MaddisonCole]
Themoralrightof[PenName]tobeidentifiedastheauthorofthisworkhasbeenassertedbyherinaccordancewiththe
Copyright,DesignsandPatentsAct1988
Allthecharactersinthisbookarefictitious,andanyresemblancetoactualpersonslivingordead,ispurelycoincidental Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproducedinanyformorbyanyelectronicormechanicalmeans,includinginformationstorageandretrieval systems,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeanswithoutthepriorpermissioninwritingofthecopyrightowner,exceptfortheuseofquotationinbookreviews Torequestpermission,contactauthormaddisoncole@gmailcom
ASBN:B0BQFSYMM5
Editedby:J Preston
CoverDesign:DialerieGraphicArts
PublishedbyDIRTYTALKPUBLISHINGLTD
Foreverybookwormwhoreadstoescape
ThisisaWhyChooseromance,meaningthefemaleleadwillhavethreeloveinterestsandrefusetopickonlyone.Dark themessuchasschizophrenia,hallucinations,medication,depressionandsuchareincluded.Expectexcessiveamountsof steam,violenceandcursingthroughout. Tropesincludeenemies-to-lovers,highschoolbullies,forcedproximity,powerplaysandmultiplepartnersexscenes
PleaseNote:
Mentalhealthisnolaughingmatter,andthisauthorisacutelyawareofthestrugglessomanyofusface.Thisbookisapieceof fiction,intendedtoentertain.Restassured,innoway,shapeorform,isMaddisonsuggestinganyoneshouldstoptakingtheir medicationinthehopesthreebillionairestepbrothersappeartodrownyouindick Pleaseseektheadviseofamedical professionalbeforemakinganychangestoyourprescription.
Withoutfurtherado,pleaseenjoySophia'sstory–whichis100%NOTaself-helpguide
1.ChapterOne
2.ChapterTwo
3.ChapterThree
4.ChapterFour
5.ChapterFive
6.ChapterSix
7.ChapterSeven
8 ChapterEight
9.ChapterNine
10 ChapterTen
11.ChapterEleven
12 ChapterTwelve
13.ChapterThirteen
14 ChapterFourteen
15.ChapterFifteen
16 ChapterSixteen
17.ChapterSeventeen
18 ChapterEighteen
19.ChapterNineteen
20 ChapterTwenty
21.ChapterTwentyOne
22 ChapterTwentyTwo
23.ChapterTwentyThree
24 ChapterTwentyFour
25.ChapterTwentyFive
Acknowledgements
AbouttheAuthor
OtherWorks
Doyoubelieveindéjàvu?Howaboutthepre-emptivefeelingsomethingbadisabouttohappen?That’swhatI’vehadsince themomentIopenedmyeyes.
Thefourthuniversity Thefourthchancetogetthingsright Staringattheceiling,Isearchinsidemyself,tryingtofindthe willtomove.Allitwouldtakeisoneeasyslideformylegtoslipoutfrombeneaththecovers,andmyfoottohitthecarpeted floor.Butit’swhatcomesafterthathasmeseizedinplace.Thedarknesswillseepin,plaguingmewithwhispersoffailure. MyfingerstwitchforthenearestbookIcouldlosemyselfin,butifIdon’tshowuponthefirstday,I’llfindmyselfthrownout onceagain.Struckwithanimpendingpanicattack,Ijustliethere,ramrodstraightonmyback.
“You know, there are a decent amount of ways you could make a living whilst lying on your back ” Avoicecutsthrough mythoughts.Notareal voicewithintheroom,butonethatemanatesfrominsidemyhead. “At least then you won’t have to make an ass of yourself at this new fancy school Not like the last one ” Ishudder,battingmyhandinhergeneraldirection. The figure inmyperipheral quicklydissipates. There are certaininstances where she appears, tauntingme withfantastical ideaswhichusuallyendmeupinmoretrouble.
“Besides, you never really wanted a master’s degree anyway, ” thevoiceslipsthroughmygroaningoncemore Irollmy headaside.Herdark-hairedmirageisleaningagainstmynewdormdresser,chewingonawadofbubblegumandraisingher eyebrow Jazzie,inallhercocky,tattooedglory,looksatmeknowinglywithhazeleyes “This was your get-out-of-jail-free card. No one would blame you if you quit and spent the rest of your life with your legs in the air and covered in cum. ” Okay,fine,I’mgettingup.
Stumblingdirectlythroughherimage,Isearchinthedarkforthebathroomlight.ItwaslatewhenIarrivedlastnight,my
roommatehadalreadyfallenasleepasIpacedaroundoutsidewithmyheadphoneson,delayingtheinevitable Thisismylast chancetocompletemymaster’s;thelastschoolwhichwouldacceptmycolorfulrecord.
Locatingthe lightand mymake-up bag, Iscramble for mypill bottles Klonopin for anxiety, Clozapine for the rest Any will do.Anythingtocalmthe nerves,the voices.Toclear mybrainofthe hallucinations whichwill plague me otherwise.It neverusedtobelikethis Onceuponatime,Ihadfriendswhoweren’timaginary NowItalktomyselfforcomfort Closingmyhandaroundthefirstbottle,Igiveaninstinctualshake. Empty.Thenextone, empty.Upendingthebagintothe basin,mybrowsfurrow,asinkingfeelinginthepitofmychestgrowing Everysinglebottleislightandhollow No Thatcan’t beright;Ihadfreshrefillsonlythedaybeforeyesterday.
“I wonder how much your antipsychotics would fetch on the black market,” thatsame feminine voice chuckles. Ispin withascowl HighlightsofsilverinJazzie’sruffledhairshimmerintheLEDs,blackleathercinchingherbodyinalltheright places.Theblackinkspillingacrosshersaturatedskinseamlesslyblendsfromoneskullintothenext,amidstaseaofshaded roses Icontinue to stare, expectingher to flitter awayfromexistence Instead, she chews and pops her gum, the sound loud enoughinmyearstomakemeflinch.
“Wait,whatdidyousay?”Mymindrelaysherwordslikeaphonelinewithabadconnection The Black Market Mygut plummets.MyfeetscrapeacrossthetileasIdrivethroughJazziethistime,rippingmyroommate’scoversfromtheadjacent bed. Strikingmyfistonto the shadowed, lumpyoutline, memoryfoamcushions myknuckles. Ihitagainand again, a shriek escapingme Ihaven’tevenmetthefuckerI’msupposedtospendtherestofthesemesterwith,andthey’vealreadystolen from me.Mylungssqueeze,holdingmylastbreathhostage.
I had it planned perfectly I’ve spent weeks daydreaming about every inevitable situation, replaying it over and over Pouringoverthecampusmaps,workingouttheroutestobestavoidlargecrowds.I’veimaginedwhatit’llbeliketosharea roomagain,andallthewaysIcandistractmyselffromtheirlingeringpresence.
“It’s fine,” I wheeze, attempting to reassure someone. I’m not exactly sure who. Collapsing on the bed, my legs automaticallycurlintoafetalposition.“It’stotallyfine.Ionlyneedtoattendtheregistrationmeetingthismorning.Everything elsewasvoluntary It’sjustacoupleofhours,andthenIcangrabsomemoremedsbeforeclassesstarttomorrow It’sjusta coupleofhours,”Iclenchthecoversinmyfist,rockinggently.Mybicepstrembleuntilmydiaphragmfinallyburnsenoughto releasetheairinagustofrelief “Justacoupleofhours”
“You know as well as I do,”Jazziemurmurs,“the pharmacist won’t replace your prescription so soon. Even if you didn’t have to rely on the insurance, you ’ re utterly fucked. And not in the good sense. ” Itune her out. Endless rage simmers so closetothesurface,Icouldhurlthisbedoutoftheclosestwindow,myselfjoiningrightbehind.Thementalimageisenoughof adampenertorelaxmyshoulders.
Thiswassupposedtobemyfreshstart Nooneknowsmehere;nooneneedstoknowtheschizophrenicwreckItrulyam Andwiththatthoughtinmind,Inumblyforcemyselftowash,dress,shouldermybackpack,andstormoutoftheroom.
Hordes ofpeople line the hallway, a few stares catchingmyeye as Ipushmywaythroughthe middle, notbotheringto strikeupanyconversations.Asalways,mybluehairfallsforwardtoshieldmyface.Athick,straightcurtainIhidebehind,in the same pale aquamarine as myeyes.Stainedcarpets leadthe waytoa concrete stairwell,litteredwithsomanydiscarded blobsofgumevenJazziescoffsbesidemyear
“What a waste, ” she mutters. I’mtoo busy trying to avoid each one like a rubbery maze waiting to ensnare my white Converse Ifthatwasn’tbadenough,I’dhazardaguessthecleanersdon’tattendtotheworn,once-creamrailingandstained walls whichsmell too muchlike vomit and urine to be anythingelse. Seems I opted for the front, cleaner entrance whenI arrivedlastnight,orIneverwouldhavemadeituptomyroom
Withasmallstrokeofluck,Idon’tthinkwillcontinue,Imakeittothegroundfloorandouttherearfireescapewithouta single markonmysneakers or shortdenimskirt. Itugonthe leftsleeve ofmyoversized lilac sweater, a nervous habitI’ve developedtohidewhat’sunderneath Thesweaterdoesn’tmatchtherestofmyoutfit,butIwasn’tfocusedonfashion Merely survivingJazzie’sjudgmentalstare.
Thedormblockisabeastofbrickandoneoftwelve,dividedintomaleandfemaleresidencesdependingonwhichsideof themainroadyouareon.I’doriginallyenteredbyfootonthefarsouthsideofcampus,abandonedbybusandforcedtotrek throughstreamsoffrathousesandsororities OrasIprefertocallthem,‘Entitled Living for the Rich and Ridiculous’ Now themorningsundancesacrossthecampus,acentralclocktowerisvisibleinthedistance.Ifollowatarmacroadtowardsthe mainbuildings,keepingtothegrassybank,whichprovidesnosidewalk.Headphoneson,backgrounddrownedout.
I’mmentallyvisualizingthe map inmymind’s eyes whensports cars whizzby, containinga bunchofassholes shouting something incoherent fromopen-top roofs. I turn my face away, letting thempass by without the response they’re seeking. Approachingthebarriersofahugeparkinglot,Iduckrightandtakeadetour Thetrailismuddyandmanmade,trackingatenfoot fence to the lecture halls. Once I reach the end, I speed through carefully cultivated gardens, keeping my back to an outbuildingwhichcontainsthegymandswimmingpool.Evenfromhere,chlorineclogstheairandthegym-headsjogonby. Settingmyjaw,Itacklethemazeofhalls,takingahugedetourbeforeIexitoppositewhereI’mgoingtohidemostofthe time–the mainlibrary. Ialmostcave, lulled inmythe false pretense ofno one beingnearby. Climbingthe stone stairs, Isee
Jazzie waitingbythe entrance, knowingsmirkonher face. Mynostrils flare. Ican’tletthemwin. So instead, Iremove my headphones and stride for the studentcenter nextdoor. Seniors smile fromthe front desk, surrounded bymore leaflets than workspace
“CanIhelpyou?”thegirlasksbeforehermalecompaniongetsthechance.Bothlooktooclean,toowellputtogetherfor thistimeinthemorning All brunettehair,beamingsmiles,andsmartshirtsholdingnametags Jazzie’svoiceflittersthrough mymind,advisingmetoaskwherethenurse’sofficeis.Nurseshavedrugs.Welikedrugs.
“No,” I shake myhead, wrinklingup mynose Kyra, as her nametagstates, raises her brows “I meanyes, please I’m lookingforDeanO’Sullivan’soffice.Ihavearegistrationmeetingat…”Itrailoff,catchingsightofthelargeclockbeyondthe receptionarea.One.Hour.Ago.“Dammitit,”Icurseundermybreath.
“I’mafraid the Deanhad to attend to a situationand has back-to-backmeetings for the restofthe day Ipresume you’re SophiaChambers?Thiswasleftforyou,”sheremovesalargebrownenvelopefromadrawerbehindthedesk.It’sheavy,asI imaginetheweightofmyprevioustranscriptswouldbe
IpeerinsidejustasKyrabeginstoreeloffeverythingIshouldhave.Programmodule,timetable,equipmentrequirements, areadinglistI’mexpectedtohavecompleted,aninvitetojointhestudentgovernment,andduetomysituation–asshesokindly putit–apreloadedcardforrestaurantsandcafesonsite.AspartoftheagreementIsignedelectronicallybeforebeingaccepted here, Iwas told ofthe monthlyallowance Iwould have access to under the terms ofmyspecialistscholarship. SomethingI hope Kyra andnoone else knows of Grippingthe envelope tightly,a washofreliefhits me as Iturntowards the automatic doors.It’sdone,I’mfreefortherestoftheday.
“MissChambers?”avoicestopsmeasI’mabouttoleave Iturnmyhead,startledbytheclickingofheelsgrowingcloser “Um…yes?”Iswallowhard.Thewomankeepsadvancing,directlyintomypersonalspace.Holdingoutapoisedpalm,her smileisastightasthebunpullingbackherdarkhair.Ihesitantlyshakeherhand.
“I’msogladIcaughtyou.LornaMitchell,AssistantDean.CallmeLorna,everyonedoes.CanIhaveaword?”Jerkingher headtowardsthehallwaysshe’sapproachedfrom,myeyeswiden.I’vehadvideocallswithDeanO’Sullivan;I’vereadhis onlinebio Idon’tknowLornaMitchell
“Itwon’ttakelong,”Lornasensesmyhesitation.Kyraiswatchingintentlyfromthedesk,clearlyexpectingmetomakea runforit Duckingmyhead,Ifollow Lornatoanofficewithoutawindow Noescape,Irealizeasthedoorisclosedbehind me.“RelaxSophia,Idon’tbite.”IgnoringLorna’ssmalllaugh,myeyestrailoverheroffice.
“Idon’thandlesurpriseswell,”Imutter tomyself.Polishedmahoganyfurniture,shelveslinedwithleather-boundbooks, universitymemorabiliainaglasscabinet.Frameddegreeshangonthesicklyfloralwallpaper,surroundingadoctorateinthe center.
“Ispecializeinpsychology,”Lornaannouncesproudly,althoughIfindmyselfunderherwatchfulgaze Fantastic Gripping the envelope to mychest, Isitinthe intended chair, usingitas a barrier betweenthe AssistantDeanand mybeatingheart. Jazziesettlescross-leggedonthefloor,strokingwhatappearstobeanevilkitty
“Now then,” Lorna smiles tightlyagain. Ivaguelywonder ifit’s the harshness ofher hairstyle or the tightbodice ofher pantsuit restrictingher fromshowingtrue emotion. “I felt it important for us to get to know one another and set up regular weekly meetings so you have a safe place to talk Adjustments can be tricky, but you can always request to see me when needed.”Idon’trespond,alumpforminginmythroat.Iknowbetterthananyonehow‘tricky’adjustmentscanbe.That’swhyI doeverythinginmypowertopre-emptthem
“It’shealthytoknowsomeoneisonhand,evenifit’sjusttotouchbase.Wehaveawealthofcounselorsandstudentgroups dedicatedtomentalhealth,butIthoughtyoumightprefersomethingalittlemore intimate”
“Youknow ofmyhistory.”Mycheeksflare.Ishouldn’tbeembarrassed,anditwasfoolishtothinkmydetailswereonly sharedwiththeDeanhimself.Lornadoesn’tshrinkawayfromtheconversationlikeIdo.
“I’m on the board of directors We all discussed your request to be placed in a dormitory on your own” My brows immediatelyfurrow,mytongueletloosebeforeIcancatchit.
“So it’s your fault,” Isnap outofnowhere Lorna doesn’tflinch, butIdo “Sorry Ijust–it’s justeasier whenI’monmy own.ItwouldhavecausedmealotlessstressifIhadaplaceofsolace.”
“I do understand, especially given your past,” Lorna appears sympathetic It quickly vanishes “However, the last universityyouattendedhadtopryyououtofyourroom.Youmissedclassesonadailybasisandbarricadedyourselfinwitha wallofbooks.Socializingmaynotcomeeasilytoyou,butitcouldhelptohavesomeencouragement.Yourroommatehasbeen carefullychosentoensureyou’reencouragedtogotoclassandstudy”Iscoff Yeah,myroommateisathievingfuckingsaint AnemotioncrossesLorna’sface,whichistooclosetopityformyliking.“Weallwantwhat’sbestforyou,Sophia.”
“Understood,”Inodwoodenly “Weeklymeetingsandaroommatetoforcemeoutofmyroom Isthateverything?”Jazzie looks up at myface, booming withpride. I’mnot being rude intentionally, but once the mask of fear slips, there’s nothing underneathtocushionmymood.I’ma shell ofregretandirritationunless myheadis ina book.Lorna doesn’tstopmyexit, tellingme to make our appointmentatthe receptionas the door slips closed betweenus. Ido justthat, withthe alternative beingthatLornawilltrackmedownwithsurprisemeetingsIcan’tpreparefor.
NoddingmythankstoKyra,Ileaveonnumblegs,pausingoutsidetheelectronicdoors.Classesdon’tstartuntiltomorrow, butIwishIhad the distractionnow. Lookingtowards the library, Ifeel the tug. The pull ofa thousand worlds readyto be unleashedonmymind,tofillmydreamswithwordswhereacceptancecomessoeasily Wherelovetrulyexists I’mhalfway therewithoutrealizingitwhenmyshoeskidstoastop,asmallvoicereachingmyears.
“Billions ofice and rockfragments Billions ofice and dust No, wait was it ” Peeringaround the corner, analcove againstthestudentblockbecomesvisible.Woodeninstructure,apointedroofshroudedinlayersofwisteria,whiteasjasmine andswayinggentlyovertheentrance Throughthegaps,Iseehersittingonabenchonlybigenoughtoseattwo Atimidgirl withbunchedshoulders.Thin,pale,andwringingthestrapofahandbaginherlap,chewingonhermarredbottomlip.“Yes, that’s it. The fragments are tornapartbySaturn’s gravity. Billions ofice and rockfragments coated industformthe rings. I think Ohfuck,waitno–”
Istepcloser,intentonaskingifshe’sokaywhenIhearthattell-talesound.Theshakeofaplasticbottle,thepopofacap.I still,myheartkickingupabeat Usingherbagasashield,shecan’thidethesmallbluepillinheropenpalmfromme
“IsthatValium?!”I’munabletoholdmyselfback,burstingthroughtheflowerstoinvadehersanctuary.Sheyelps,flinching asifshecanalsoseeJazzieinmyperipheral,swirlingabaseballbataround Plasteringalookofconcernonmyface,Ilower besideherknees.Astrangerfilledwithcompassion,onlylookingoutforherwellbeing.
“Yeah, right,” Jazziechucklesinmyhead.Aseriesofunnervinginstructionsfollowtogetthatpillatanycost.
“It it’smylastone,andIneedtorelaxifI’mgoingtobeabletostudy ProfessorHarrisonalwaysstartsthesemesterwith aquiz.” Thegirl is shaking,riddledwithananxietyIknow all toowell.Theblonde inher hair has grownout,brownroots tracingherscalptowhereit’stuckedbehindherears Hereyesarewide,glazedasifshemightjustburstintotears,andher entirebeingwouldturnintoapuddleatmyfeet.
“Ihear you. Tests canbe stressful, but believe me,” Ishift to sit byher side, eyeingthe pill inher openpalm, “you’re strong.You’vealreadystudied,right?”Shenods.“Thenyoumustbelieveinyourself,faceyourfears,andproveyou’reworth morethanyournervesallow.”
Relayingbackwhatmultipletherapistshavetoldme,myrespondingsmileiswatery,hidingmydesperation Thisisforher owngood.Maybealittleencouragementisallsheneeds.Fuckknows,allIneedisrightthere,inchesaway,withaVprinted onthepill
“Here,letmedisposeofthatforyou.Nooneneedstoknow.”Islowlyraisemyfingers.Shesitsalittlestraighter,tracking mymovements like a rabbitaboutto bolt. I’mcautious, notonce rushing. Notwhenmyownhand begins to shake, aneager sweatbreakingoutacross mybrow.Mypinkie grazes her wrist,joltingher intoaction.Her palmmoves withina blink,that preciousbluepillthrustintohermouthandswallowedonawhimper.Igapeather.
“She’s going to run for it,” Jazziewarns asthegirl clings toher baganddoes justthat Although,she’s notfastenough Fistingherhair,myactionsaren’tmyownassheshrieks,andIhastilycoverhermouth.
“Youmustknowwheretogetmore Tellme,”Igroundout,intentondraggingherbodyastepbackintotheshadowsofthe building.Adrenalineburnsthroughmymuscleswiththeefforttoholdherinplace,whileJazzie’svoiceinmyheadcoaxesme onward. ‘Wring the answers from her Show her who you really are ’ Ishudder, realizingwhatI’mdoing. This isn’twho I reallyam,oratleastnotwhoIwanttobe Preparingtoreleasethepoorgirl,mutteringsoundsthroughmyhand
“There’s a party,” she rasps as Igive her aninchto speak. “Tonight, ThornManor. Askfor Lucas. He…he cangetyou whateveryouwant”Herlargeeyesarefull oftearsasshelooksupatme,thefearI’mpouringintoherworkingagainsther Valium.Releasingher,Iduckbackintothealcove,hidinglongaftershe’sfled.Rakingmyhandsthroughmybluehair,Ipace aroundJazzie,ignoringthe approval she tries togive She can’tkeepmakingme dothat I’mnotsupposedtobe thatperson anymore.
Clingingtothehopethegirlwon’tsquealtothenearestpersonwhowilllisten,Icalmmyerraticbreathing.Inforthree,out for five,until mychestunclenches Lucas cangetwhatever Iwant That’s thenew focus Ihaveawholedayuntil this party, untilanyhopesofgettingsomeformofrelease.Snatchingupmybrownenvelopefromtheground,Irootaroundinsideformy cafécardandholditlikealifeline IfIdon’thavedrugs,I’lltakethenextbestthing Coffee
“Whatdoyoumean,mycardisn’t valid?!Ijustgotit,”Iseetheoverthecounter Myknucklesarewhite,andnostrilsare fullyflared. Some preppydouchebag, withhis polo shirtbuttoned to the top, holds up a finger, placinga quickcall beforecomingbacktome
“Thecards are validfromthe firstdayoffull enrolment,” helooks me upanddownlike Ihave fleas,“whichfor youis tomorrow.” The scentofcaffeine, the clangofmachinery, the hiss ofsteamall mockme as Ihold up the line. Bunchingmy shoulders, I scowl, silently wishing a violent case of diarrhea on this asshole before stalking away No drugs, no fucking coffee. What’s next? Slammingmyhands into the glass door, mysneakers hitthe ground harder thannecessary. There’s only oneplacelefttogo
Once more, Jazzie is waitingatthe top ofthe librarysteps. Ishould have givenup and come here inthe firstinstance. Poisedwithinapointedarchway,framedbyintricatestonecarvings,Ineedtousemyweightagainstthewoodendoorforitto creak open. This building, like the clock tower across the courtyard, must be one of the last remaining from the original campus.Slippinginside,severalfloorsofrailingsmeetmygaze.
Connected by winding staircases, I find myself in the center, levels bellowing out into the ground below as well as toweringabove.Grandchandeliersglimmeragainstbrassrailings,thetarnishedcoloratoddswiththewrinkledandcracked spines offirsteditions Dustcirculates the scentofagedpaper The breathis knockedfromme longbefore someone shoves openthedoor,slammingintomyback.Growling,Ishuffleforward.
Mymind is distracted as Iapproachthe maindesk, scribblingoutmydetails ona registrationform. The bookcases, the shelves.Somanyshelves.Somanyspineswaitingfortheirstoriestoberevealed.ThisiswhereIfeelsafe.Whereworldsof
heartbreakandangstawait ThisiswhereIfeelsane “Sophia,” a harsh voice snaps. I whip my head back to the woman behind the desk, her plaque naming her as Head Librarian-Mrs Russell
“Um,didyousaysomething?”Iblinkrapidly.Thegray-hairedwomaniswellpastretirementage,herbackhunchedfrom theweightofcarryingheavypaperbacks for thepastforty-oddyears Thekindwhowill workhereuntil she’s forcedoutby new management, and thenprobablyvolunteer to dust the banisters until she dies. Igrow dazed, realizingIcansee myself becomingthenextMrs Russell Herbonescreaklikethebookshelvesasshesnatchesthepenfrommyhand
“I’mlockingupattensharp,whetheryou’reinorout.Ifyouspillteaonabook,youpayforitsreplacement,”hergnarled finger points to a table across the platform. It’s simple, foldable onmetal legs witha clothdraped over the plastic top. A singularhotwatertanksteamsbesidearandomassortmentofmugs,mostlychipped,anopenboxofteabags,ajugofmilk,and aheapofsweetenerpacketsfulfillingthecomplimentaryrefreshments.Notcoffee,butI’lltakewhateverIcangetatthispoint.
Acceptingmynewlibrarycard,Ifixateaandlosemyselfamongsttheshelves Twolevelsdown,IfindwhatI’mlooking for.Darkromance,typicallyinaseedy,shadowedsectionwithabeanbaginthecorner.Idon’tdaretouchit,notwithoutmy UVlighttoinspectitfirst Liftingoutarandombook,thefirstoneIspotwith‘wrath’inthetitle,Isettlecross-leggedonthe floorwhereJazzieisalreadywaiting.Pryingopenthefrontcover,Ireleaseaheavysigh,emptyingmymindasIdivein.
Thelightsgoout.Ijolt,splashingcoldteaovertherimofthemug,patteringthedenimofmyskirt.Aslongasitdidn’tstainthe pages–that’sallIcareabout IttakesamomentofreelingtorealizeI’monthelastfewchaptersofthebookinmyhand,time losttomeasmuchasmyholdonreality.It’snotuncommonformetocheckoutcompletely.Notwhenfictioniswheremyheart thrives.
Blinkingthroughpurple-rimmedglasses,Idon’trememberpullingoutofmybag,Isquintattheoverheadlights Thebulbs glowfaintlyastheycool,fadingintodarkness.Afewlevelsabove,lightseepsfromelongatedwindows,spiralingtherailing likearingofeverlastingsunset Thebreezedriftsdownward,cuttingthroughthebalmyairwithablissfulcaress Nowonderit wassoeasytolosemyselfinaworldsodistantfromthisone.
Placingdownthemug,Iuncurlmylegsfrombeneathmeonthefloor Layingthebookdown,pagessplayedovermythighs, Istretchinhalf,holdingmytoestoworksomefeelingbackintomylegs.ThenIdrawthembackintoacross-seatedposition, andIroll myneck.Jazzie mirrors myeverymovement,leaningagainstthe opposite shelves,one brow cocked.Iknow what she’s thinking–obviously–I’ve heard it before A uni grad student like myself should be outside, living my life Well, life generallysucks,andI’mhappyexactlywhereIam.Aslongasit’squietandI’mmedicated….shit.Thetime.Theparty.
Jumpingupright, panic floods mysystem Mymovements are jaunted as Idragmyselfup the shelves, pausingto slip the bookbackinitsrightfulplace.ThenI’mdowntheaisleasfastasmyfeetwillallow.I’vemissedit.I’vefuckedit.Mychance togetmoremeds.
Todaywasdifficultenough,andgettingthroughtomorrowwillbeimpossible.Theweightofoppressioncrashesdownon myshoulders, a blaringofa sirensoundingbetweenmyears. Pins and needles race frommytoes to calves, forcingme to hobble Theskirtgrazesmythighs,indirectcontrastwiththebaggylilacsweatshirtcoveringmefromnecktowrists Toohot Tooitchyagainstmytauntskin.I’vefuckingfuckeditall.
Slam
Ahardbodysendsmeflyingbackward.Ihittheground,painslicingalongmybackasmyassailantstandsfirm.Unaffected. Thefadingsunlightframeshisbroadshoulders,hisjerseytoobaggytorevealwhat’sunderneath.ButIfeltit.Thesolidmuscle, theradiatingpower.Iwaitfor himtomoveor speak,tooffer meahand.Amessoflighthair shiftssoslightly.Hisheadtilt couldmerelybeatrickoftheshadows,butsomehowIdon’tthinkso.
“Who are you?” His voice is like melted butter, too smooth I vaguely wonder if he’s real, or a figment of my vivid imagination.ButIfeelthedragofhisgazeonmybarelegs,whichhaveremainedatanawkwardangleandgivinghisheated starefullaccess
“There’re two ways this is going to play out,” Jazzieshufflescloseronherknees.Sheappearsbrightamongsttheshelves, asifshehasherownlightsource,anddrapesanarmovermyshoulders.“You can fight him or fuck him Either one will give you the release your precious drugs would have otherwise provided ” Ibalk,blinkinghardinthehopesshe’lldisappear My attackerisyettomovewhilemymindplaysoutthescenario,“You’ve missed the party anyway. Might as well use the goods at your disposal ” Jazzieleansforwardandgrabshisjunkroughly MyeyeswidenuntilheclearshisthroatasIrealizeIwas staringstraightathisdick.
Clamberingtomyfeet,Ibrushmyselfdown Twosetsofeyesareonme,onerealandoneimaginary Icanhardlybreathe, the burdeninmychest overbearing. If I walkawaynow, head backto mydorm, I’ll lie awake all night. Replayinghow I wishedthisencounterhadgone.I’mnewhere,nooneknowsme.Hedoesn’tknowmypast.He’llonlyseethepersonIpresent now,andfirstimpressionsareeverything
“Icouldbewhoeveryouwantmetobe,”Ipullasmilefromthedepthsofmypsyche.Jazziesmilesapprovingly,slinking outofsight.Thiscloseup,thefaintestscentofappleandanunderlyingmuskdriftsthroughme,likecideronasummer’snight.
“Excuseme?”hescoffs,foldinghisarms Bicepsbulgeoverabasketballjersey,hisstancewideagainsttheslipoflightI haveleft.He’sathletic,strong.Probablyabletobenchpressmeandkeepthecockytiltofhisheadwhilehedoesit.Afuckboy, no doubt, and luckilythat’s whatI’minthe marketfor Aquickrelease to getme throughuntil mynextfix Closingthe gap betweenus,Iforcemyselftoembodythefemalecharacterwholivesrentfreeinmyhead.
“We’re alone, inthe dark, and I’mbored” Isummonconfidence fromdeep within, trailingmyfingers over his shoulder wherethejerseycutsshort,hisskinsmoothandblemishfree.Hemightaswellbeadelusion.Uncrossinghisarms,thesheer sizeofhimhasmyheartthumpingloudenoughforusbothtohearit.Heabsorbstheveryairaroundus.Evenwithoutseeing himproperly,thewayheholdshimselftellsmewhatIneedtoknow He’sfreakinggorgeousandknowsit
“I’mnotintonerds,”heslidesmyglassesoffandplacesthemonanearbyshelf.“Ionlycameinheretorestockmypaper stash”Divingahandintohispocket,heproducesawadofrolledpages,alltornroughly Afissurecracksthroughmyheart, butIdon’tletitshow. He smokes, mostlikelyweed, meaninghe’s a friend Ineed to keep close. This stubbornball-player mightjustbeabletoseemethroughmyfinalsemester ThenI’mafreewoman
“I’mnotintoassholejocks,butsomehow,Ithinkwebothcanpretendotherwisefor alittlewhile.”Brazenly,myfingers continue to travel over his biceps, alonghis arms. Movingwiththe swiftness ofa cheetah, mywrists are grabbed, and I’m shovedbackastepagainstthebookcase
“Youpropositionmeandthenhavetheballstocallmeanasshole?”hegrowls.Ismileencouragingly.
“I’mSophia,” Ibatmylashes His grip onmywrists tightens Yes, Ithinkto myself This is the distractionIneed The releaseIcrave.Droppinghishead,closeenoughfor hisbreathtotanglewithmine,for hisstrongjaw tobrushmycheek,he pauses.Sizingmeup,studyingtheheavyriseandfallofmychest.Ifonlyhecouldseemynipplesthroughthisheavysweater, he’dunderstandhowreadyIamtoberuined.Corrupted.Defiled.
“Nowyougivemeyourname,”Icoax.
“Nah You’re definitelynotmytype” Usinghis griptoshove himselfbackandstride away,redcoats myvision Shame heats mycheeks. Holycrap. Whatthe fuckwas Ithinking–throwingmyselfata stranger inthe dark? Nothing, that’s what. I wasn’tthinkingatall Andit’s thatsame emptynumbness pulsingthroughmyveins whichhas myConverse appearinginmy handandtumblingawayfrommeinafull-bodiedthrow.Thesneakerhitshiminthebackofthehead.
“Thefuck–”hisgrowl iscutshortbyaroundoflaughter.Shadowsappear athisback.Thistime,I’mcertainthey’renot frommyimagination.
“Ibelieveyournewfriendwantsyourattention,Ezra,”anothermalevoiceseepsfromthedarkness.Ican’tseethem,can’t tellhowmanythereare,butasymphonyoflowchucklesgrowsinvolume,grittyandroughlikedirtbeingkickedupfromthe ground.WhateverparalleluniverseI’dbeenin,wherefearandlustmingled,vanishes.Mytruesensesreturnintheirentirety.
“Shecanhavemyattentionifshelikes,”anothervoicesounds Filledwithmirth,nothalfasdeepandrumblingasthelast Aballformsinmythroat.
“Youknowwhat?Ihavesomewhereelsetobe.So,I’mjustgonna…”myvoicetrailsoffasIfailtofindawaytosay‘run for my fucking life’ Instead,Ijustdoit
I’dalreadyleftthemaincourtyardbeforerememberingmybackpack Forgottenonthelibraryfloor,Imakeamentalnoteto head back first thing in the morning to retrieve it. For now, though, I’mleft without my phone, dormkeys, and my legs coveredinscratchesfromthelibrarywindowI’dmanagedtodiveoutof Ibarelyfeelthemthroughthetremorsofwithdrawal andembarrassmentcausingmetostomptooheavily.ButIrefusetostoprunning.
Inmyhaste, Ilose sightofthe trail Iwas supposed to take, thunderingforward inthe hopes those stoners find someone better toplaywith Istill can’tbelievewhatIallowedmyselftodo,andnow all myhopesarepinnedonmyroommatestill beingawake.Only,whenIemergefromtheotherpathIspeddown,Ican’tseethedormbuildings.
I draw to a quickstop before two rows of frat houses instead All are quiet and dark, except the whitewashed walled structurehalfwaydownthestreet.Thatoneisglowingfromtheinsideout,whilemusicpulsatesthroughtheair.Laughterand chatter minglewiththebass.Nearingonnumbfeet,Iswallow hard.Letterscarvedover thedoorwayfill mewithasurgeof trepidation.
Thorn Manor. It'snottoolate.Thepartyisstillgoinginfullswing. Peoplespilloutontothefrontlawn Theenergyisinfectious,despitemyhesitationofbeingaroundsomanyotherpeople Myinstincts are tellingme to seekout the reprieve of mydormbuilding, but leavingnow wouldn’t help mycause. I need something;atemporaryhightogetmethroughthenextdayorso Iwon’tsurviveotherwise Besides,nooneislookingatme.Wordsareslurring,andvisionsappearhazy.I'manobodyamongstthemasses,andwith the gentle press ofJazzie inthe backofmymind, Isuddenlyfind myselfatthe frontdoor. Drawninlike a mothto a flame, livelinessreverberatesthroughmybody.
Inside, the air is thickwiththe scentofalcohol and sweat. Bodies move insynchronized chaos, passingaround drinks. Peoplearemakingoutonanyavailablesurface.Onegroupiscontainingasmallfireonthecoffeetableinalavishlivingarea andcheeringaseachonedropsanotheritemintothecenterofit
Jazzie leads me onward, further throughthe crowds and into the heart of ThornManor. The music grows louder as we descenda flightofstairs,leadingus toa basementfilledwithevenmore dancers The roomis transformedintoa makeshift nightclub, bodies pressed together, movingto the poundingbeat. Neonlights flashacross the dimlylitroom, castingvibrant huesontheunknownfaces Mytemplesclenchtightly
"Nope, no thanks." Ibackout. Regardless ofwhat's broughtme to be here, that's too manypeople intoo small a space. Staggeringbackintothe lobby,mystomachrolls.For the secondtime tonight,Ican’tbelieve I’ve allowedmyselftoenter a viper’snest Desperationtoridmyselfofthisanxiousitchispushingmeintoevenmoretriggeringsituations,andsothespiral continues.
“You have to play the part,” Jazzie chastises me,appearingatmyside Her leather dress is tight-fittinganddips far too lowintohersternum.Ilookdownatmyownoutfit–abaggysweater,shortskirtandonemuddyfootwhichwilldefinitelyneed somemedicalattentionlater “You can’t waltz into a party and start demanding for a drug dealer Smile, flutter your lashes It’ll get you further, trust me.”Itwistbehindahugecentral staircase,stealingamomenttomyself.She’sright,Ineedtobe discretebutappealing.
Straighteningmysweater,kickingoffmyothersneaker,andflickingmystraight,bluehairovermyshoulder,Ire-emergeto throwflirtysmilesandwinksoutlikehooksamongstthefishes.NevermindthatI’mstillpantingfrommymidnightsprint,or reelingovertheneedtocurlupinaballandcry Confidenceiskey,andthat’swhatbeginsdrawingapackofhotguystowards me. I don’t let them get too close, slipping through a set of French sliding doors to the back patio before I start to hyperventilate.
It’smuchlesscrowdedandeasiertobreatheouthere,theroundedpatioamuch-neededsolidbasebeneathmyfeet.Beside anovalswimmingpool,atableiscoveredinablackclothandallkindsofspiritsanddrinks.I’mnotsupposedtodrinkonmy meds,butI’malsonotgoingtosurvivethisnightsober Abartenderinaslickshirtrolleduptotheelbowsisspinningglasses andbottlesaroundhiminanimpressivedisplay,drawinguscloser.
“WhatcanIgetyou?”heasks,handingabrightpinkcocktailtoanotherguest,completewithcherryandumbrella “Oneofthosewoulddothetrick.”Inodassertively.Iwatchthebartenderrepeathisjugglingact,hiseyesflickingtome curiouslyeveryfewseconds.Iknowwhathe’sthinking;I’vehearditbefore.‘Why’saprettygirllikeyoubyherself?’People assumemyfullerlipsandpaleblueeyes,mylonglegs,andlitheshapeshouldbeenoughtogainmepopularity.ButIcan’tkeep long-termfriendsfromthehabitofshuttingeveryoneout.Acceptingmydrink,Isipitgingerly.Ihaven’teatenmuchtodayto justifyknockingitbackandgrabbingforanother
Suddenly,armsgripmefrombehind,draggingmesideways.Ascreamistornfrommythroatasairwhooshespastmyears, theglassflyingfrommyhand Collidingwiththepool,theirongripclingingontomymid-sectiondoesn’tloosen,holdingme beneaththewater.BubblesescapemymouthasIcryout,writhinginthebandedarms.Asmylungsbegintoache,asliceof dreadtakesover,forcingmyelbowtoconnectwithastrongjaw.Releasingmeatlast,Ifranticallykickupwards,makingsure tohitmyattackeroncemorealongtheway
Breachingthesurface,laughterringsoutallaroundthepool’sedge.Iswimtoametalladder,pullingmyweightupwhilst ignoringthemultiplesmartphonesbeingshovedinmyface Thecrowdautomaticallydeparts,allowingmygazetosettleona guyreclininginasunloungerwithsunglasseson,despitethemoonbeingdirectlyoverhead.Whatadouche.
“I’mgladyouseemamused,”Iseethewhenhedoesnothingbutsmirkatme Itugonmyleftsleeve,awkwardbeneaththe weightofhis,andeveryoneelse’s,attention.
“That’swhathappenstouninvitedguests,I’mafraid,”hesaysbeforedowningthecontentsofhiswhiskeyglass.Agolden chain hangs over his white t-shirt beneath an open leather jacket, dark jeans hugging his legs above a pair of unlaced timberlands.Girlsarefawningoverhim,massagingdifferentareasofhisbody.
Afigureburstingupwardsfromthewatermakesmeflinch,anunnecessaryamountofwaterbeingsplashedovermylegs Hislegsmovebackandforth,keepinghimafloatasInoticethebasketballjerseyfloatingaroundhismuscledarms.Amopof darkblondhairisplasteredtohishead,hiseyesboringintominewithmorethanalittlehatred It’shim,fromthelibrary Ezra
Ofallthestupidreasons,fortheloveofunbrokenopinions,myfirstthoughtuponseeinghimis…hedidn’tbringmydamn shoe.He’shalfwayuptheladderwhenawhiteflashofragecomesoverme,strikingmyheelintohischest.Heslips,caughtoff guardandsplashesbackbeneaththesurface Somepeoplecheer,mostgasp,andthat’swhenIknow,I’vereallyfuckedup A handslipsthroughthecrowd,grabbingmywristanddraggingmeaway.Isensethedouchewatchingmeleavefrombeneathhis sunglasses,althoughhemakesnomovetostopme Whywouldhe?
The hand doesn’tstop tugginguntil we’re backinthe manor, roundingthe stairs. Ahead ofstrawberryblonde hair bobs ahead,asickly-sweetvoicemutteringtoherself.Reachingabedroom,sheordersthethreesomecurrentlytakingplaceonthe ottomantogetlost.Strangelyenough,theyobey,leavingjustthetwoofusalone.
“Idon’tknow whatyoudid to piss Ezra off, buta word to the wise, don’tdo itagain,” she raises a single brow atme
beforebreakingintoahugesmile.“I’mLetty.”Herhandslipsintomine,givingitaninvoluntaryshake.
“Um,hi.I’mSophia,”IlowermyheadasifI’mashamedofmyownname.Somehow,despitethecrowdswhichwerejust surroundingme, it’s Letty’s closeness whichunnerves me the most Her energyis expansive, drawinganyIhad leftdirectly frommysoul.
“Comeon,let’sgetyoucleanedup Youlooklikeshit,”shegiggles Leavingmeagainstthecloseddoor,Lettyrummages throughsomedrawers,thenawardrobeandlastly,looksunderthebed.“Hereyougo,”shedepositsaheapofmaterialintomy arms,toppedwithglitteringchunkyheels
Afterbeingdirectedtoabathroom,anydebateIhaddiesonmytongueasIseethemirror.Damn,Idolooklikeshit.My makeupissmudged,myhairisatangledmess,andtherearebruisesformingonmyarmsfromthestruggleinthepool.Myeyes drop to the glittery dress I’ve been supplied, already knowing I can’t wear that It’s too exposed But that’s a future me problem.
Strippingoutofmywetclothes,Ishiverasthecoldairhitsmyskinbeforesteppingintotheshower Ishouldbeinmoreof a rush, but once the heated water touches my skin, I lose all sense of place and time. Letting the warmth wash away the chlorine,Iwaitoutthefearstilllingeringinmypsyche Outsidethisspray,therearehordesofstudentswaiting Watchingfor whatImightdonext.There'sanassholewhocalledmeoutforbeingastrangerandanotherwhothrew meintothepool.My legsshake,threateningtogiveout.I'mtrapped.Inthemiddleofanightmarewithnowaytoescape.
Breathe, Sophia Jazzie sounds inmymind She doesn'tappear inthe bathroomor whenI'matmymostvulnerable, but she'sstillthereinthebackofmyhead. Stop thinking and breathe.
"Ic-c-can't Ican't,I-Ican't,"myvoicetremors Mychestspasms,causingtherestofmylimbstoshake Iknowthesesigns Ineedtoreelmyselfinbecausethere'snostoppingtheavalancheonceittipsovertheedgeofthemountain.Inthemidstofmy laboredbreathing,thebathroomwallsstarttocloseinonme.Theoncesoothingwaternowfeelssuffocating,asifit'stryingto drownmeinsteadofwashingawaymyfears.Iclawatthetiledwalls,desperatelytryingtofindananchor,somethingtoground meandpullmebackfromtheabyss.Butthepanicengulfsme,swallowingmewhole.Myvisionblursandthesoundofrushing watertransformsintoadeafeningroar I'mdrowning,notinapoolofchlorine,butintheseaofmyownturmoil
"Thefuck?"avoicecutsthroughthevoid.Ivaguelyrealizetheshowerdoorisopening,butthere'snotimeorstrengthto covermyself Thewaterabruptlyhalts StrongarmsgathermeupfromthecrumbledpositiononthefloorIdidn'trealizeIwas in.MyskinisrawandtenderfromwhereI'veunknowinglyscrubbedmyselftoohard,unabletoshakeofftheimageofEzra's furiouseyes.He'snotgoingtoforgiveanyofmyactionsfromtonight,andasfarassocialsuicidegoes,IreckonI'vejustsigned myowndeathwarrant.
"You'resafe,"adeepvoicegrumbles,thevibrationrollingbeneathmycheek.Ithinkhemeanttobekind,butaidedbya fierce kickto slamthe door closed, the valiant rescue comes off as a huge inconvenience I cower, naked and vulnerable, againsthis chest.Thevulnerabilityis overwhelming,butthere's alsoastrangesenseofcomfortinhis embrace.His touchis gentle as if he understands the fragile state of mybeing Keepingthe lights dimmed and wrappingme ina fluffytowel, he placesmeonthebed.Iresistlookingupathistoweringoutline.Mypanicattacksubsidesstraightbackintoastateoffear.I've beeninsomeawkwardsituationsinmylife;nakedandwetonabedwithastrangerisn'toneofthem.
Whatever the fuck you do, Jazziecommentsinmyears, do not proposition him Icouldscowlather She'sthereasonI'm inthismess.
"YoumustthinkI'mreallystupid"Itakeashakybreath,steadyingmyselfasImeethisgaze Hiseyes,toodarktodiscerna color, hold a glimmer ofsomethingtoo akinto understanding. Ishrinkinto myself. It's as ifhe cansee throughmycarefully constructedfacade,strippingmebareofthelayersofdeflectionI'vespentyearsputtinginplace I'mtheprettygirlthathidesin books;that'smypersonality.Butthewayhe'slingeringovermenow,IwishIseemedlikemore.ThatIwasmore.
"Notstupid.Disorientated,"hefinallyspeaks.IwishIcouldsaytherumblingsoundcuttingthroughtheairdidn'tmakeme flinch Todayisabaddayforme,andtheentireschoolhaswitnessedtheextentofmyweakness "Isupposethisiswhatyou came here for."Pullinga small plastic bagfromhis pocket, the glintofthe moonhighlights a singular small, rounded pill. I gasp,tryingtosnatchit
"Howdidyou–"Heflicksthebagjustoutofmyreach.
"Whenmylabpartnermissedourstudysession,Ifoundhercoweringinalecturehall Apparently,somenewgirlwithblue hairattackedherforaValium.ThesamegirlwithbluehairwhotriedtoseduceEzrainthelibrary.Imustsay,ifyouwanttobe morediscreet,I'dconsideradifferentdyejob."
Idon'tcommentfurtherasIslumbackagainsttheheadboard Apartofmewantstowalkoutofhereandneverlookback, butthatpartnevershoutsloudenough.Myeyestrackthesmallpill,mythroattootighttoswallow.AftereverythingI'vebeen throughtoday,Ican'tleavewithoutitallbeingforareason
"Thisismyroom,"heraisesasingularbrow,"andlikeIsaid,you'resafehere.I'llmanthedoorwhileyoudowhateverit isyouneedtodo."Tossingthesmallpacketatme,hestridestothedoorwithlong,gracefulfootsteps.Hisjeansarefittedto perfection,hisdarkt-shirtasnugfit.IalreadyknewhewasmuscularfromthewayhecarriedmelikeIweighednothing.
"Ihopeyoufindthefixyou'relookingfor,Sophia."Hegivesmealastspearinglookbeforeslippingoutthedoor.Theclick
betweenus is final, ringingoutthroughoutthe darkened room. The sound ofthe partyis still goinginfull swingbeyond the window;singing,laughing,andsplashing.IwishIcouldsayIdidn'tgrabthatplasticbagassoonasI'mconvincedI'vebeen leftutterlyalone,butI'dbelying Morethanever,Ineedtherelease Toescapethecageofmymind Toforgetall thestupid shitI'vedone.MyfingersshakeasIplacethepillontomytongueandswallowwithouttheneedforwater.Callittheplacebo effect,butmylimbsinstantlymelt,mychestrisingfullyforthefirsttime Imanagetograbthehemofthecover,rollingmyself overlikeasausageroll,towel,andall.
Well, what a turn today took, Jazziecomments Igruntinagreement,snugglingdownforthedeepestsleepIcouldpossibly haveinastranger'sbed.
“Riseandshine!”Theclangingofawoodenspoononasaucepanjerksmefromarestlessdream Imightaswellnotslept atall,thecomedownfromthevaliumhittingmelikeatonofbricks.It’snotthatI’manaddictdependingonmynexthit. More like the serenity of a quiet mind is all the more noticeable when it’s absent The clanging abruptly stops, the pillowrippedaway,andthemorninglightburstingthroughopencurtainssearsmyretinas.
“Aww,comeon,FeistyOne,I’vegotapresentforyou.”Igroanatthatvoice,wishingitwasalljustaviciousnightmare. Thedouchebagfromthepoollounger Crackinganeye,Iglareathiswell-restedboyishcharm “Fuckoff.I’mnotinthemood,”Iscowl.Hemerelylaughs.
“Supposeyoudon’twantthisthen?”Liftinganorangepillbottle,oneofmyownIrecognize,herattlesthetwopillssitting in the bottom. I lurch upright, almost headbutting him in the face. Trying to snatch the bottle, he’s fast to jerk it aside, playfulness dancinginhis features. His shockofauburnhair seems brighter today, a stunningcorrelationto the gleaminhis eyes.
“Naah,youneedtoearnit,”hesingsongs.Mywallsinstantlyshutdown.Suddenly,notevenJazziecouldconvincemeto carelessaboutsellingapieceofmysoulforatemporaryhigh Itisn’tmewhowouldsuffertheconsequences,butallofthose aroundme.Crossingmyarms,abaggyvestrubsagainstmynipples,apairofboxerssnugglyfittingaroundmyass.Wait,who thefuckdressedmewhileIwaspassedout?Myeyesdroptothehideous,raisedscaronmyforearmatthesametimehisdo, andI’mquicktohidemyarmsbeneaththecovers.Luckily,hedoesn’taskthequestionpassingthroughhisfeatures.
“Breakfastisonthetable.We’vegotafulldayaheadbeforeyougetthese,”heshakesthepillbottleagain.Anoosearound myneck, firmlyattached to a leash. The rattle lasts inmyhead longafter he’s skipped, literally skipped, out of the room,
echoingaround the dullness ofmysenses Who amIkidding? At this point, there isn’t muchIhaven’t done inthe name of embarrassingmyselfandclaimingbackmymeds.
Breakfast,asthedouchebagcalledit,isafeastfitforthefrathouse He’ssittingatthetopendofthetable,alongsideall thosetheydeemworthyenoughtojoin.Unsurprisingly,thereisnospareseatforme.
“Righthere,baby”Hepushesbacktopathisthigh You’vegottobekiddingme
“Gotohell,”Iscowl,turningforthemaindoor.Handsgrabmeinstantly,thescrapingofchairsdrowningoutmyscreams aseveryminionwhorecentlysatquietlyeatingnowdragsmetowardstheheadofthetable I’mnomatchfortheirstrength,but thatdoesn’tstopmefightingbackwithJazziementallycheeringmeon.Mylimbsflail wildlyuntil I’multimatelydumpedon his lap. The man in question is grinning as widely as Jazzie, who appears leaning across his shoulders. Perhaps I should behavetogetmypillsback
I know you feel that bulge as much as I do, Jazziewinks.
“There That’snotsobad,isit?”Thedouchebagchucklestohiscomradesoneitherside Ezraisglaringatmewithsuch disdainIcanpracticallytasteit.Ontheotherside,amalesitssilently,asifnothingexistsexcepthisbowloffruit,yogurt,and granola Theguycagingmepullsasimilarversionmyway,leavingtheplattersofsteamingfreshlybakedgoodsdowntheother endofthetable.
“Eatup,”Ezrabarks.Ifliphimoff.Adeepvibrationresonatesagainstmylowerback.Apparently,I’mamusingmycaptor. “Or don’t,” he leans forwardtobreathe intomyear “Your insolence is the quickestwaytomake me rockhard” Ibalk, makinga move toflee.The minions,whohave remainedstationaryathis back,stepforwardtoforcefullyholdme inplace. Hands pinmywrists beside his thighs, the vestand boxers beingpulled inall the wrongdirections Reachingaround me, a spoonfulofwhatIcanonlydescribeasrabbitfoodisliftedtowardsmymouth.
“Openwidelikeagoodgirl,andImightfillyouwithsomethingelse.”
“Promises, promises,” Jazziemuses.ShesettlesintoEzra’slapacrossthetable,pickingupastrawberry.Sheonlypauses longenoughtospithergumacrossthetableintoSeniorStoic’sbowlandthenpopsitintohermouth.Iwatchherinrealtime, myeyesunfocusingfromthoseglaringmyway I’minsane Clinicallyundeniablyinsane
“The best of us are,”shesmirks.Atthesametime,thespoonisnudgedagainstmylips.Once,twice.Persistentlyknocking. Jazziewinksagain,awickedgleaminhereyes Watching,waiting Icanhearherthoughtsloudandclear MaybeIaminsane, butIreckonthebestprotagonistsare.Openingmymouth,thespoonglidesineffortlessly.Muesliandbarkscrapemytongue, incrediblydryandcompletelytasteless.
“That’sit,FeistyOne,”hepraises,strokingmyhair.Thehandsatmywristsrelax,andmymouthclampsdownaroundthe spoon. Game on. Jerkingmychinviolently, the metal is tornfromhis grip. Idon’tbother spittingitout, spinningbefore the douchebagcanpreemptmynextmove Beforehecanforeseethespoonhandlebeingthrustintohiseyewithamove,Iusually reserve for blowjobs. My fingers are in his crotch next, grabbing for whatever comes to hand first. Squeezing, twisting, yanking Hesquealslikeapiginabutchershop,andIdon’twaitaroundtoseeifI’vedoneanylastingdamage
Flanked byJazzie, Iwriggle throughthe minion’s grabbyhands. The assaultofmyownmind blurs withinthe hollers of those scrambling for my agile body, but I’mtoo busy ducking, skidding across the floor to where Jazzie is beckoning me towards the door Sweetfreedomlies beyond,a pavedwalkwaybetweenluscious greengrass The perfectlysmoothtarmac andashortrunbacktothesafetyofmydorm.
Fivestepsfromthedoor,myheartleaps Threesteps,andasmilespreadsacrossmyface Onestep–blindingpaineruptsat thebackofmyskull.Iscream,grabbingforthehairnow fistedtightinameatyhand.Endlessdarkeyesglaredownatme,a never-endingvoidthatmakesitimpossibletosettleonwheretolook
“Iunderstandyouarenewaroundhere,”hegrowls,andmystomachdrops.Irecognizethatvoice.“Butitisaprivilegeto beinvitedtostayinthishouse.Whenyou’regivenanorder,youdonotfight.Youdon’tresist.Yousitquietly,eatyourdamn breakfast,andrememberyourfuckingmanners”Usinghisgriponmyhair,hedragsmebacktothecenterofthediningroomI hadn’tbotheredtolookatmuchuntilnow.
Incrediblyhighceilingsseemtosparklebeyondcrystalchandeliers,everywallandfixtureinopulentwhite Toocleanfor agroupofyoungmentolivein,toopristinetobeusedforwildparties.Theonlycolorsaresoftdashesofgrayinthevelvet curtains and throughoutthe furniture The diningtable itself, now Ilookbeyond the plates, is a slab ofmarble insilver and slate.
I’mheldatthefarendofthediningroom,forcedtostareatthedouchebagwhoactslikeLordofthecastle,stillinhisseat attheheadofthetablewithastupidgrinonhisface
“Now,saythankyoutoLucasforhiskindness.”
Isetmyjaw,mynostrilsflaring Lucas TheoneIwaslookingforthisentiretime,whosomehowhasmymedbottlesand has takengreatpleasure intauntingme. Beyond Lucas’back, Jazzie appears, wide eyed and shakingher head. Don’t admit defeat ButwhatamIsupposedtodo?Thisisn’tfiction;thisisreallife.Onethat’srapidlybeingflusheddownthetoilet,soat somepoint,Ineedtoadmitdefeat.
“Thankyou,Lucas,”Igritthroughmyteeth.I’mreleasedsofast,Istumbleintotheopenarchway,clingingtokeepmyself
upright.WhenLucasappearsbeforeme,allauburnhair,greeneyes,ashit-eatinggrin,andamockbow,Ilethimleadmeback to the bedroom, feelingmyresolve draineachstep ofthe way. Apparently, duringthe commotiondownstairs, mybackpack miraculouslyappeared Sittingatop,myclothesfromlastnighthavebeendriedandfoldedneatly Lucaswrangleshiswayin asItrytoshutthedoorinhisface.
“Don’tgetanyideasofgoingbacktobed Firstdayofclasses,andyou’vegainedyourselfanentourage Weleaveinthirty minutes,orI’llsendKyanbackuptodragyououtbyhair.”
Lucas Ezra Kyan My jailers Throwing the clothes and Converse into my hands, Lucas shoves me into the adjoining bathroomkickingandscreaming.Heuseshisbodytoholdthedoorcloseduntilhemanagestolockit,tellingmethroughaslip inthe wood he’ll release me once I’m‘suitablydressed’. Ipress myforehead againstthe wall. All ofmycarefullylaid out plans,theprepworkIputintoensuringmyfirstdayinclasseswouldgoassmoothlyaspossible wasted
“Whatthefuckhasmylifebecome?”IquietlygroantoJazzie.WhenIhuntforher,she’sreclinedinthejacuzzibathtub.
“Quite an adventure, I’d say,”shewinksforthelasttime,disappearingbeneathalayerofimaginarybubbles Well,Ican’t arguewiththat.
Fouryearsago.
The clink of the cell door closing echoes long after the guard with lingering eyes has abandoned me here I can't turn around, unprepared to look upon the room I'll be trapped in for the next two years.
"Staring at it isn't going to open it," a voice drawls As I take a deep breath, steeling myself, I summon the courage to face my new reality. Slowly turning around, I'm greeted by a sight which causes me to shiver.
The room is dimly lit, with pale yellow walls that have succumbed to years of neglect. The air is thick with the scent of despair and unwashed bodies Cold metal bars stretch across the window, casting eerie shadows on the stained linoleum floor. Asingle flickering fluorescent light hangs from the ceiling, its feeble glow barely illuminating the cramped space. I glance at my new roommate, a girl who pulses with hostility like a thunderous cloud Jet-black hair cascades over one eye and a piercing blue gaze that could freeze hell itself, she sits perched on her bunk, sizing me up.
"Fresh meat, huh?" she says with a snarl, her voice dripping with resentment "Well, don't expect any favors from me You're on your own here." I nod silently, picking up on her clear message: I am not welcome in this confined world we now share. Still, I try to muster up some courage.
"I understand," I reply softly, my voice quivering slightly "But maybe maybe we could find a way to coexist
peacefully? It doesn't have to be like this " Her lips curl into a derisive smirk as she tilts her head mockingly "Coexist?" she scoffs "This ain't some fairy tale, princess You're in for a rude awakening if you think peace is possible in this hellhole " Her words cut through the air, sharp and venomous I can feel the disdain radiating from her in heated waves. Squaring my shoulders, I decide to stand my ground.
"I just meant I'll stay out of your way There's no need for added animosity" I meet her piercing gaze head-on, refusing to back down. This is my first test, and failing will only incur two years of needing to sleep with one eye open. The girl jumps down from her bunk, her four-foot-eleven height having no baring on the malice she exudes She chuckles darkly, the sound bouncing against the cold walls.
"Animosity?" she repeats, her voice laced with skepticism "Are you trying to intimidate me with big words?" "What?" I frown She takes a step forward
"Do you think I'm stupid?" Her lips twist upwards. I shake my head, tripping over my words.
"No, I didn't–It's not like that I was top of my English Lit class I'm getting my masters after this "
"This isn't a little vacation you're going to leave unscathed. This place thrives on chaos and power struggles. Survival of the fittest, and you, Princess " She grabs my wrist and turns it upward "Physically or mentally, you won't be leaving unscathed. How's that for a big word?" I don't have time to gasp as a utensil appears in her hand and penetrates my skin. Elbow to wrist, she carves a bloodied line with the razor-blade tip, trailing back and forth to avoid my veins. I dare not move out of fear of dislodging her trickling path, frozen watching the scarlet spill from the cut I'm so numb, it doesn't even hurt until my roommate flicks her blade away and strides to her bunk. Then the panic sets in. My legs shake, giving out in slow motion as I bang on the cell door, screaming so loud I can't even hear it in my own ears
Sophia, breathe. Cauterize the blood flow. The voice is faint but sure. I don't have time to look for the source, too focused on following her instructions Whipping off my t-shirt, the white now thoroughly stained, I wrap it around my left elbow and pull tight. It's not enough, but it's all I've got. All I can do. My arm...my life...it's ruined. Ruined by an asshole my mom brought into our home and defended in court. I'm alone, dying in a cell. All that exists is the pool of blood at my feet and the booming cackle of my roommate rocking back and forth on her thin mattress
“MissChambers!”asharpvoicewakesmefrommydaydream I’mnotevensurewheremymindwentthistime,butthe interactiveboardcertainlywasn’tfilledwithexamplesoftransgressiveandinnovativeformsbeforeIspacedout.The EnglishLitteacher,Mrs Patrick,taps her nails againsther desk,waitingfor me toacknowledge her Shit “Are you here to better your chances of impressingme withyour dissertation, or is the sound of myvoice merelya vice for youto ponderyourlifechoices?”
“I-I’msorry, I’mhere for the lecture Please continue,” Imutter, shrinkingbackinto mychair She looks me over, nota shredofbeliefinhershrewdgaze.Reachingretirementage,herwispyblondehairistrimmedshort,acaneonhandforsupport whenwalkingaroundthedesk
“Seemeafterclass,”shenodsonce,goingbacktothetextbookeveryoneelseseemstobefollowing.Istruggletowithhold mygroan,causingafewnearbytochuckle.Itrymybestafterthattofocus,tostayontrackwithjottingdownnotes,butwithout mymeds–it’s like tryingto steer a sinkingship. Everytime IthinkI’montrack, anicebergofrandomthoughtcauses me to swerve,andtakestoolongtounscramblethewordsinmynotepad.Bythen,Mrs.PatrickhasmovedonandIhavenohope.
“Didyouguyshear?”agirlfromtherow infrontwhisperstoherfriends Mostgruntinagreement,exceptonewhoasks, “Hearwhat?”
“TheThornBrothershavechosentheirnewpet”Flickingtoapageinthebackofmynotepad,Ijotdown‘ThornBrothers’ andanymoreinformationIreckonI’llwanttocomebacktolater.
“What?!”thebrunettegaspsalittletooloudly.“I’veappliedseventimes!”WaitingforMrs.Patricktoturnbackaround,the originalgossipernods.
“Last night, apparently. Theyhaven’t announced who it is yet.” At the same moment, a pair of large pale eyes find me amongstthemasses.Thebloodinmyveinsrunscold.Letty,thegirlfromlastnight,watchesmeintently,herexpressionfilled withconcern IhaveafewchoicewordsforheraftersheabandonedmeinKyan’sroomlastnight
“They’llprobablysaveitforthesportsrally,”agirlinthemiddleoftherowsighs.“Youknowhowtheyliketoputona show”
“Ifthenewbielaststhatlong,”another snickers.“Screwingthreemenatonceisn’taseasyasitlooksinthepornos.The lastonehadtotakemedicalleave”
“Therecertainlyisn’tanythingaverageaboutthosebrothers.”Aballformsinmythroat,unbeknownsttothebrunette,who giggles.
“IheardKyangotanewpiercingrecently–”
“That’squiteenough!”Mrs.Patrickslamshercaneonthedesk,makingusalljolt.“DoIneedtoholdafulldetentiontoredeliver this lecture?” No one speaks We don’t dare breathe Sitting here longer than necessary when there’s gossip to be unraveledsoundslikeapersonaltypeofhell.Oncethesessionrecontinues,there’snowayIcanconcentratenow.Pet,sports rally,threeatonce,piercing?Mymindisreeling,breathquickeningasJazzieappearsintheemptyseatbesideme
“Sounds like these boys sure are a handful.”Reachingacross,herhandseemstoguidemyownasIscrawlinthebackof mynotepad,dullywatchingthewordsappear. Brazilian wax needed. Thebellblares,raisingayelpfrommythroat.Bagsare hastily packed, bodies are moving while I sit there, too heavy to lift my limbs until Mrs Patrick looks my way, curling a gnarledfinger.
Myfeetflydownthe steps ofthe lecture hall, books clutched inmyarms The closer Iget, the more disapprovingMrs Patrick’seyesgrowattheclothesIborrowedfromLostandFound.SheshouldhaveseenhowthosepassingbygapedwhenI was shimmyingdownthe drainpipe inmydenimminiskirtand the lackofpanties thatLucas seemed to provide. Now, navy leggingsandalong-sleevedrugbyshirtcovermewellenough,mybluehairthrownupinamessybun.AtleastIwasableto findmyglasseswhereEzraleftthemonalibrarybookcase.
“Doesmyclassseemlikeajoketoyou?”Mrs Patrickstarts,clickingthekeysonherlaptopasshespeaks “Iknowofyour history, Miss Chambers. Your scholarship states youmustsuccessfullygraduate, or you’ll have to paybackall ofthe funds. Givenyourjuvenilerecordandthepossibilityofbeingacollegedrop-out,Idon’tknowwhowillemployyoulongenoughto doso.”
“I’mwellaware.”Myvoiceisshort,clipped.SomewherebetweenmyinabilitytofocusandthefluttersinmychestthatI can’tseemtoshift,myinnerbitchcomesout.IknowoftheviciouscircleI’min.IknowofthepreciousopportunityIhave,and whichtheThornBrothersseemintentonscrewingup.
“SowhenIacceptedyouintomyprogramthislateintheyear,I’dpresumedyou’dbemosteagertoabsorbwhatIhaveto teachyou.I’myourlastchance.”
“Withall duerespect,”Ileanonthedesk,mywordsnotmyown No,thisisall Jazzieandwhoever elseislivinginmy head. “I am my own last chance. You relay lectures you’ve repeated for twenty-odd years, but I’m the one who will be cramminginthelibraryeachnighttoensureIwipethatcynicallookfromyourface.”
“How dare you–” Mrs Patrickscowls until her sterngaze floats over myshoulder The nextmoment, anarmrounds my waist.IblinkupatKyan’sclenchedjaw,hisblackeyesmakingnoefforttomeetmine.Whichisgood,butIcan’thelpmyself fromglancingsouthtoseeifIcandistinguishthepiercingrumor “Mr Thorn Forgiveme I-Ididn’trealize ”Is thatfear I sense?Indeed,Mrs.Patrick’sfacehaspinkened,herposturehunchedasshefightstomakeherselfappearsmaller.
“Nowyoudo Sophiaiswithus Ensureyourtoneandmannerreflectassuch”Stunned,myfeetshuffleasI’mguidedfrom theroom.KyanreleasesmetosnatchthebooksIwasgivenandstuffsthemintomybackpack,whichwaspreviouslyslungover his shoulder. Thenhe eases the straps up myarms, plantingitonmyback. Myhand flies to the side pocket, huntingfor my phone,butIsighinreliefwhenIfeelitthere Tiltingmyheadcuriously,Istareatthemanstandingbeforemeinthehallway, everyonenearbygivingusawideberth.Amaroont-shirtisstretchedacrosshisfirmchest,taperedjeansfittingtoosnugglyto notbetailoredtohisthickthighs
“Whatdidyougotojuviefor?”Kyanwatchesmetooclosely,hisfacedevoidofemotionalthoughhistonediddipasifhe wastryingtobesensitive Unfortunately,hisnextwordsrevokethatnotion “Youseemtoo weaktohavesurvivedaplace likethat.”Iscowl,stompingmyheeldownonhisshoe.Ithasnoeffect.
“Youdon’tknowme,”Igrowl.Thishot-and-coldroutinewithhimisseriouslystartingtopissmeoff.Still,Kyanwaitsas ifImightdignifyhimwithananswer Idon’thaveone
ThereasonIendedupinthathellholeismysinstobear.Beyondthat,howdoIevenstarttoexplainbeingincarceratedwas whereIdevelopedmycopingmechanism–daydreaming?Iimaginedfriendstocomfortmepost-beatingfromtheothergirls,to sitwithinthe yardwhile avoidingall others.The bestwaytogounnoticed.The onlywaytosurvive withoutanylong-term damage.AlthoughnowIrelyondrugstosilencethevoicesinmyhead,Idon’tknowifIwouldconsidermyselfasurvivorat all.
“Younolongerneedtoattendclasses,”Kyanfinallychangesthesubject,steppingincloser.Iholdfirmasourchestsbrush,
hisshowergelofcedarwooddriftingthroughme.“Lucashasgivenyouafreepass.Ifyouseeoutthesemesterwithus,you’ll passwithmultiplejoboffersinyourlap.Allfortheeasypriceofsittinginhis.”Mymouthpopsopen.Hecan’tbeserious.
“Idon’twantafreeride Itransferredschools toearnmywaythrough”Myeyes narrow Again,I’mmetwiththatstoic silence,Kyan’sjawtightandeyesdead.Shovinghimastepback,Iraisemyfisttopunchhim,togetanysortofreaction,buthe catchesmywristtooeasily Spinningus,I’msuddenlyagainstawall,cagedinbythickbiceps
“Maybeyoushouldbealittlelessaggressiveandalittlemoregrateful.You’rerequiredtojoinusfordinneratthemanor tonight,eighto’clocksharp Ifyou’relate,orifyoutrytohide,wewillfindyou”Kyan’sheaddips Thatjaw,thatdevilishly tautpussy-eatingjaw,scrapesmycheek,andIswearIjustcamealittle.Hislipspart,brushingacrossmineinawhisperofa touchbeforeit’sgone.“Wordtothewise,Lucaslovesachase.Ifyourun,he’llseehuntingyouaspartofthegame.”
“Idon’twantanypartinyourstupidgames,”IgritmyteethandtrytoshoveKyanawayfromme Hedoesn’tmoveaninch, hisscentfeelstoooverwhelmingonmysenses.Thatmanfromlastnightwhoheldmesogentlyisintheresomewhere,butI swiftlyremindJazzie’svoiceinmymindthatit’snotourjobtocoaxhimbackout
“Unfortunately, you’ve presented yourself on a fucking platter. Lucas’will isn’t as strong as mine and Ezra’s.” Swiftly whippinghimselfbackward, Istumble for the second time todaybecause ofKyan Mymind trips over itself, tryingto both soothe and digestthe bruntofthe informationKyanhas delivered. Gatheringmybalance, Ifind himhalfwaydownthe hall, studentspartingliketheRedSeashyingawayfromMosestolethimthrough.
“Ihateyou!”Iscream,muchtotheshockofthosewatchingon Idon’tcarewhattheythink Irefusetobeassociatedwith theseThornassholes.
“Feeling’s mutual,” Kyancalls back, holdingup a peace sign Thenhe’s gone, and the bell rings for the startofmynext lecture.Fuck,I’mlateagain!
Bythetimelunchrollsaroundtwoclasseslater,I’maboutreadytopassoutonthetable.Nursingacoffee,Ileanoveritas ifI’mhungover.Twodayswithoutmymeds;perhapsIamhungover.MyfingersshakelikeI’masoberingaddictastherimof theplasticcupgracesmylips.It’svile.Liketheequivalentofwhatcaffeinateddogshitwouldtastelike,butitwasfree.
Sittinginthecafeteria,IfiguredIshouldn’tgocrazywithmymonthlyfoodcardonthefirstday Luckily,it’snottoobusy, andI’mabletohaveafulltabletomyselfto–asMrs.Patrickputit–questionmylifechoices.Thisissupposedtobemynew start,andIwon’tletabunchofrighteousdickwadsfuckitupforme Atleast,notondayone
Pullingmynotepadout,Iflicktothebackpage,glancingoverthescribblednotesImade.Below,Iwrite‘GamePlan’asa headingandunderlineittwice.ThenIstareatit,failingtocomeupwithanythingrealistic.Murderisout,runningawaywon’t work,andlearningtaekwondoovernightseemslikealotofeffort.Glancingovertoanadjacenttable,Iseethesamegirlsfrom Mrs.Patrick’sclassthismorning,laughingandchattingaway.There’sstrengthinnumbers,andtheyseemtoknowwhat’sgoing onaroundheremuchmorethanIdo
“Ithinkit’stimetoadmit,I’mgoingtoneedsomefriends,”Isightomyself.Jazzieappearsoppositeme,smilingsweetly withenthusiasticjazzhands Allafigmentofmyimagination “Realfriends,”Idrawl Whenitcomestoself-preservation,she alwaysmanagestobetheringleader.Theloudestandmostprominent.Pushingmyselfup,IdosomethingIneverdidinjuvie.I findsometemporarycourageandstrideovertothepopulargirls,slidingintoafreeseatattheendoftheirtable.
“Heyall, I’mSophia Ijuststarted here” Iwave For a millisecond, theyall spinto raise brows atme, and IthinkI’m abouttobelynched.Butthentheybreakintosmiles,thevolumesoftheirwelcomesdeafening.Mysmilewobbles.Theclosest, abrunettewhointroducesherselfasEvelyn,asksabunchofgeneralquestionswhichIanswerevasively Thenshegivesmea rundownofeveryone’snames,whichI’llneverbeabletoremember.Lettyisinthemix.
“So,Ihearthere’sasportsrallycomingup?”Icasuallyspintheconversation Evelynoffersmesomeofhercheesyfriesas everyone’sfaceslightup.
“Ohyes!You’vearrivedjustintimeforthequarterfinalsagainstRadley.Ourbasketballteamherearelikegods–theThorn Brothersbeingthestarplayers Justwaituntilyouseethem,”agirlcalledRosiegushes Ihidemyblush
“Aretheylike…realbrothers?”Idivertmygazetothefries.Thetablegigglesoncemore.
“Inthebondedsense,”aredheadacrossthetableanswers IthinkhernamewasClara Kerrymaybe?“Theirparentsare extremelywealthy,butcouldn’tconceivethemselvessotheydecidedtoadoptfromapoverty-strickenorphanage.Allforshow, ofcourse Onlywentforone,andendedupleavingwiththree Apparently,theboyswouldn’tbeseparated Nowtheystandto inheritafortune,includingthisuniversity.”Ichoke,needingtodowntheshit-stirredcoffeetoclearmythroat.
Lettyjustwatches me knowinglyand nods. “Yep. This Uni has beenintheir familysince itwas built.” Ashudder rolls throughmyentirebody Ineedtohandlemyselfverycarefullyfromnowon,oritwon’tmatterhowmuchrevisionIputin I’ll beoutonmyass,broke,andindebtregardless.Whatawaytostartmyadultlife.Another girl withjetblackhair cutintoa sharpbobtoaccentuatethesharplinesofherface,leansforwardwithacunningsmile
“IfyouwanttogetontheThorn’sradar,yourbestbetistocheckoutthebulletinboard.”Shepointsacrosstoalargeboard bytheservinghatch.IalreadyknowIdon’twanttolookbuthaveto.Lettytuts,rollinghereyes.
“Don’ttease the poor girl. Youknow she doesn’tstand a chance.” Iconceal myfrown. The bell rings, endingmyshort reprieveofplayingcatchup.Thegirls standsuddenly,kissingeachother’s cheeks goodbyeandwavingtome,dispersingin
differentdirections.Lettylingersforamoment,watchingtherestleave.
“HeySophia, aboutlastnight,” she plays witha loose strand ofstrawberryblonde hair. “Ifigured takingyouto Kyan’s roomwasthesafestsincehe’srarelyatThornManor Ihadnoideahe’dstorminandkickmeout”Sothat’swhereshewent I pursemylipsandsaynothingasLettylooksmoreandmoresheepish.“Ihopeeverythingwasokay.WhenIheardthegossip thismorningabouttheirnew well,Iworried ”shebeginshedgingaroundwhatshereallywantstosay Jazzieisquickto judge,tellingmeallsortsofheinouswaysIcanuseplasticcutlerytoextracteyes,butIforceasmile.AfterKyan’swarning,I needfriendsmorethanever
“It’s fine,” Iwave myhand throughthe air. “No bigdeal. Bythe time Ire-entered the bedroom, Kyanwas alreadyfast asleep.Isnuckoutandmadeitbacktomydormwithoutantagonizinganyoneelse.”
Lettylaughs,aquicksoundfilledwithrelief
“Oh,brill.Iwasworriedforyouallnight.I’dbettergo,butifyoufancygrabbingdinnerlater,afewofusgirlsaregoing intotown?”Ikeepthesmileplasteredonmyface
“Ah,nexttime-Mrs.Patrickhasgivenmeextracourseworkfordisturbingherclassearlier.I’llbeinthelibraryatevery possiblechanceIget”
“Thatbitch!”Letty’sjawdrops.IshrugtohidethewayI’vebegunchewingontheinsideofmycheek.PerhapsIshouldn’t besoeagertostartrumorsaboutmytutors,butthealternativewastoadmitI’vebeencommandedtospendtimeintheThorn’s company,andevenifIhadn’t,Ican’taffordtoeatoffcampus anyway Beingmessagedthroughher smartwatch,Lettybalks Drawingmeinforaquickhug,shegrabsherbagandleaves,promisingtocatchupproperlywithmesoon.
Oncethecoastismostlyclear,barthedinnerladies,Islinkovertothatbulletinboard Aroundtheoutsidearethetypeof flyersonewouldexpect,cheerleadingtry-outs,upcomingdances,charityevents,andapprenticeshipopportunities.Butsmack baminthecenter,takingpresidentovereverythingelse,isaposterfor‘TheThornPetInternship.’
Are you looking for an exciting opportunity? In the market for quality personal references and various job offers upon graduating? Do you take pride in your appearance?
Enquire below to be considered for the Thorn Pet Internship program The successful applicant will need to live-in, obey orders, and remain enthusiastic throughout the agreed term. Adecent pain threshold, tolerance for exercise, and high sex drive are essential
One vacancy per semester.
“Well,”Jazzieleansherheadonmyshoulder.“Here I was thinking they couldn’t get any more shallow” Ifeelthewalls closingin,analarmringingbetweenmyears.Thisisalegitadvertisement,withaQRcodetoapplyonline.Naively,Ithought thebrotherswerejustmessingaround,seeinghowfartheycouldpushmebeforeIwentferal.Testingmylimitsasthenewgirl, ortryingtoscaremeintorunningforthehillsonmyfirstday Butthis ThisisbiggerthanIeverexpected,andsomethingI don’thavethetimeorpatiencetobeapartof.
Theshuttersovertheservinghatchslamclosed,jerkingmebacktothepresent,whereI’mundecidedlylateforclass–again But as my feet start moving, my backpack heavy on my shoulders, I already know it’s pointless. I wouldn’t be able to concentratenowanyway,andIdon’twanttogiveanymoreprofessorsthewrongideaaboutmeonmyfirstday.SoasmuchasI hatetouse‘Lucas’free pass,’IenterthehallwayandstrideintheoppositedirectionofwhereI’msupposedtobe
The manor looms before me like a monument of past sins, its whitewashed walls a façade to anyone who doesn’t know better.It’sthreemasterswaitinginside,holdingmyfutureintheirgrasp.IwishIhadn’treadthebillboard.Iwishmymind wouldhaveblockedoutthetrepidationI’vefeltallafternoonwhiletryingtolosemyselfinabook Notevenreadinghelped TheThornBrothersarelookingforanewpet,andI’vedonetheonethingIsworenotto.Drawnattentiontomyself.Myheart hammers against my ribcage, a prisoner trying to escape. I've only been here two days, but Thorn Manor feels like the inevitableconclusiontoahierarchyIdon’tknowyet
"Pullyourselftogether,Sophia,"ImutterundermybreathasIapproachtheporch.Jazzieiswithmeeverystepoftheway. Before myknuckles canrap against the wood, the door swings open, revealingKyan, his presence like a silent storm His endlessblackeyesdon'tleavemine,theplummetingpitofnothingnessconsumingme.Hisnostrilsflarewithimpatience,and I’mcertainasmallnoiseleavesmythroat.It'shardtotellwiththewaymypulseisthuddinginmyears.
Lookingpasthishugeframe,Ifrownattheinterior.Tallcandelabraslightthelobby.Thestillsilencebetweenusunnerving. JazziesharesalookwithmeatthesametimeIregisterwhat’shappening.Anintimidationtactic:somethingtoputmeonedge. Straighteningmyspine,Imeethisgazewithnewfounddetermination Itseemstobeenoughtograntmeaccess Kyanguidesme into the dininghall, eachstep ofmyconverse echoes ominouslythroughthe vastspace. Lucas is alreadythere, lookinglike some sort of dark prince at the head of the table He doesn't stand, just watches me intensely Like I’ma sacrificial lamb broughttotheslaughter.Goneisthecheerfulnesstohisfeatures.Instead,asmirklingers,butitdoesn’treachhisgreeneyes.
"Sit."HisvoiceisacommandIinstantlywanttorefuse.MaybeI’vespenttoolonglisteningtoJazzie,butI’vedeveloped quiteastubbornstreakwhenitcomestofollowingorders.Kyannudgesmetowardachair,notroughly,butwithenoughforce
thatresistanceseemsfutile Hetakesthetimetotuckmeintightlyagainstthetable,directlyoppositeEzra It’snosurprisehe’s glaringatmeasifI'mapuzzlehecan'tsolve ordoesn'twantto.There'safeastlaidoutonthetable,amockeryofhospitality, sofarawayfromwhereKyantucksmeinthatIwonderifit'sevenmeantforme
"Lucas," I begin, but myvoice sounds small, almost lost inthe luxurious room. He holds up a hand, silencingme, and retrieves something fromhis lap a brown envelope, worn at the edges With deliberate slowness, he slides it across the polishedwooduntilitstopsjustshyofmyfingertips.It’sallverytheatricalandtoorehearsedtobethefirsttimehe’sputon thislittleshow
"Everysemester,wechooseanewPet,"hesmirks.Thatword,theoneIwashopingnottohear,curlsaroundmymindlike awispofsmoke.Thisisbad.Seriouslyfuckingbad."Agirlwhobelongstous.Totease,totoywith..."Hisgazeflickersover mybody, makingme acutelyaware ofthe tight-fittingsports polo and openVaround the base ofmythroat " and to fuck whenever,whereverandhoweverwelike."
I swallow hard, the knot of anxiety in my stomach winding tighter I'mno stranger to being wanted in ways that aren't exactly flattering. But this? This is different. This is a game with rules I don't understand, played by boys who see me as nothingmorethananovelty Anewshinythingtouseandbrake IfonlyIwasn’talreadybroken
“W-we?” Istutter, havingnothingelse to saywhenthe silence stretches on, and theyall keep staringatme. Lucas nods slowly.
“Youheard right We share what’s ours equally, withoutlimits We eattogether, fucktogether, and reminisce together If there’s one ofus, the others are never far. To keep itfair, mybrothers and Itake turns inchoosingeachsemester. Itjustso happens,it’smyturn”Hissmilegrowswicked,tworowsofimpeccablystraightwhitenedteethgleamingliketheJoker
"Isn’tthatalittle…sick?Brothersfuckingthesamegirl?”Thewordseruptfromme,amixoffearanddefiance.Jazzieisno help,hertonguehangingoutlikeadoginheat.Shakingmyhead,Itrytofindadifferentangle."Youcan'tjust "
"Can'twe?"Ezrainterrupts,hisvoiceagravellysneerthatsendsshiversdownmyspine."Ifwe’resodisgusting,whyare youhere,sittingatourtable?"
It'strue MyfingersmaybewrappedaroundthechairbeneathmeasifI’mworriedit’llbewhippedawayandI’lltumble intotheabyss,butI’mstillsittinghere.TeeteringontheedgeofaprecipiceIdidn'tevenseecoming.IthoughtIwantedtolay low,tobeignored Butthetruthis,anditalwayshasbeen,I’msoincrediblylonely Lucas,Kyan,Ezra they'reofferingatwistedsenseofbelongingthatIshoulddespise,butwhatifIcravethedarkallureof theirworld?AworldwhereJazzie'swhispersofcouragehavenopower,wheremypastdoesn'tmatterbecauseI'mnothingbut theirplaything.
"Read the contract, Sophia," Lucas says, his voice a tender caress that belies the steel underneath. "This could be everythingyouneverknewyouneeded"
Ilookdownatthestackofpaper,thewordsblurringasItrytocomprehendthegravityofwhat'sbeingaskedofme.What's beingoffered Theywanttoownme,controlme Andthemostterrifyingthing?Atiny,traitorouspartofmeisconsideringit Gingerlytouchingthetoppage,Iturnitoverandforcemyselftofocus.Wordsaresafe,they’resteady–butnotwhenthey hold your immediate future intheir grasp. Instead offeelinglike a release, the weightofthe contractinmyhands is like a millstonearoundmyneck,draggingmedownwards Jazzie'svoicebuzzesinmyear,adistantstaticwhichbarelyregistersover thethumpingofmyheart.It'sludicrous,thedemandsprintedincrispblackinkbeforeme.
"You're seriouslygoingto take me to court if I don't 'douche twice a week'?" Myvoice quivers, the absurdityof it all threateningtounleashahysteriaIcanbarelycontain.Holyshit,ifmyheartgoesanyfaster,I’llbespiralingintoapanicattack before Icangetsomewhere private Lucas leans back,his chair scrapingsoftlyagainstthe floor,andthe soundreverberates throughthetenseair.
"Thecontractisn'tintendedtobelawfullybindingortoforceyouintoanythingyoudon'twanttodo."Hisbrightgreeneyes hold mine, steadyand unblinking "Its purpose is to provide guidelines, so we all know where we stand Besides, anything fromsectionfouronwardswasaddedattherequestofpreviouspets,”heshrugs.
Surpriseflickerswithinme,minglingwithacreepingunease Previouspets?Thethoughttwistsinmygut,areminderthat I'mnotthe firstto be ensnared bytheir game. Were the restas hesitant? Did theyfightagainstthe cage closinginonthem? Droppingmygazepastsectionfour,itwouldseemnot That’swherethereallydarkandtwistedfantasiescometolife There’s a whole sectiononwhichbindings are safe to be restrained and gagged ina forestsetting, and worryingly–thornyvines are notedasoneofthoseapproved.
"Give me time," I state, folding my arms to hide the tremble in my fingers "I need to think" My gaze skitters away, unwillingtomeettheirsanylonger."Andtothinkclearly,Ineedmymedsback.Iknow youhavethestashwhichwasstolen frommydorm"
There'saflickerofasmileonLucas'lips,knowingandsmug.Hereachesintohispocket,andIhearthefamiliarrattleof pillsbeforeheplacesabottleonthetable.Sevenpillsstarebackatme,acountdowntoanultimatumIneveraskedfor."You have until these runoutto decide. After that, the decisionwill be takenoutofyour hands." His smirkis a blade, sharp and threatening.
"Ithoughtyouweren'tgoingtomakemedoanythingIdidn'twant,"Iscoff,thetasteofbitternessonmytongue. Ezra'svoicecutsthroughthestandoff,gravellyandcertain."Oh,youwantus,FeistyOne.You'rejustintentonfightingitfor aslongaspossible"
Heatcreepsupmyneck,stainingmycheekswithatelltaleblush. Stand up, Sophia. Leave. Jazzie'scommandisalifeline. Pushingbackmychair, Irise, mylegs shakybut determined Ineed to escape, breathe, thinkwithout their predatorystares dissectingmyeverymove.
"Fine," Imanage, myvoice steadier thanIfeel "I'll consider it, onone condition" Iexpecttheir immediate refusal, but Lucasleansforward,seemingevenmoreintrigued.“Nooneknowsyou’veaskedthisofme.ShouldIrefuse,Idon’twantany associationwithanyofyou. Notinmyschoolwork,notwithpossible new friends. Ireserve the righttowalkawaywithout beingtaintedbyanyofyou”MyeyessettleonLucas’forafinalmomentbeforeIgrabthecontract,turnandstrideaway The roomseemstocloseinaroundme,eachstepavictoryandadefeat.They'vegotteninsidemyhead,undermyskin.Anddamn them,apartofmeisenjoyingthedangerousdancethey'releading ButIwon'tgivein notyet,maybenotever
Kyanmovesaroundme,hisstepssilent,apredator’sgraceinhisstride.Heleadstheway,andIfollow,feelingtheweight oftheirstaresonmyback Thecoolwoodofthedoorloomsinfrontofus,andforamoment,freedomfeelswithinreach When hedoesn’tmakeamovetoopenit,Ioutstretchmyarm,fingersgrazingthehandle.
"Wait." Kyan's hand suddenly clamps around my wrist. His other presses flat against the surface next to my head, effectivelycagingmein Mybreathcatches,theairinmylungsturningtoice
"Justincaseyouneedapreviewofwhatbeingourpetmeans,"hebreathes,hisvoicelowandlacedwithpromise.Hislips crashontomine,tiltingmyworldonitsaxis Thekissisraw andbruising,stealingmybreathandthoughts Hishandthreads throughmyhair,pullingmecloseruntileveryline,everycurveofourbodiesmeldsintoone.Atinywhimperescapesmylips, swallowedbyhisdemandingmouth.
His fingers trace a pathdownmyside, teasingthe hemofmyshirt, sendingshivers coursingthroughme. Ifight to pull away,toregaincontrol,buthisgriptightensinanunspokenwarning.
He claims mythoughts, overwhelmingmyinstincts withhis own Feral, consuming Mymind screams atme to pushhim away,butmybodybetraysme,meltingintotheheatofhistouch.Theshockofmetalagainstmytonguepullsagaspfrommeas Idiscoverthecoldglintofhistonguepiercing Athrillcoursesthroughme,poolinglowinmybelly
Kyan's hands roamwith possessive intent, branding me with every caress. I can't think, can't breathe; I’mdrowning in sensationandatwistedkindofdesirethatshouldterrifyme.Hisscent,amixofspiceandleather,fillsmysenses,intoxicating mefurther.
Abruptly, his mouthis tornfrommine. Realityslams backas the door swings open, and Istumble backward, the chilled nightairastarkcontrasttotheheatofKyan'sbody Hishandsnakesout,catchingmywaistandsteadyingmejustlongenough toconfirmIwon'tfall.
"Considerthatyourfirsttaste,"hemurmurs,hisbreathhotagainstmyear ThenI'mreleased,thedoorslammingbehindme withafinalitywhichechoesaroundtheporch.NoneofwhichhappenedbeforeIsawKyan’swallscomecrashingbackdown, a barrier to keep me and everyone else out. Regardless, I'mleftpanting, heartracing, a confusingmixofanger and arousal churningwithinme
"Wow, looks like you got much more than you bargained for," Jazzie's voice is thick with sarcasm, coming from the shadowsoftheporchswing Mycheeksburnwithhumiliationandsomethingdarker,somethingI'mafraidtoname Idrawina shakybreath,tryingtocalmthe tempestinside me.Icanstill feel Kyan's lips,the press ofhis body,the unspokenthreatand promisemingledtogether
"Shutup,Jazzie,"Imutter,pushingawayfromthedoor.Mylegsareunsteady,mythoughtsatangleoffearandlonging.AsI makemywaydownthepath,contractclutchedinhand,thedampnightair does nothingtocool theheatflamingbetweenmy thighs,andIcursemyselfforthereactionIcan'tcontrol Eager Iwastoodamneager,toowilling NowondertheythoughtI’d be a pliable little petto playwith. Jazzie mutters her disapproval, tryingto convince me there’s empowermentto be found here,butherwordsaredrownedoutbythethunderousrealizationofthechoicestillaheadofme I’minsulted,frustrated,and morethanalittlearousedbytheimagesflashinginmymind.Eitherway,I’mfairlycertainI’mcompletelyfucked.
