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OctaviaJensen

PublishedbyFlowerBonePublishing,2024

Thisisaworkoffiction.Similaritiestorealpeople,places,oreventsareentirelycoincidental. JAGGER

Firstedition.February5,2024.

WrittenbyOctaviaJensen

ContentAdvisory

Thisbookcontainsaverytoxicrelationshipthatgoesfromhatesextoforeverinlove.They’rejealous,meantoeachother,hurt eachother,pusheachother.It’sdefinitelynotalwayspretty.Butifyou’rehereforsomebanter,sometension,somehatesex withalittleslapping,spitting,CNC,chokingandsquirting,you’reintherightplace.Pleasebeadvisedthisbookcontainsa car/motorcycleaccidentandareferencetooff-screenincest(notthemains)

Prologue: ThisIsn’tLove,ThisisaCarCrash

Remi

Theimpactrattlesmybones It’ssohardtoseethroughmytearsthatIdon’tevenknowwhatIhit,andforseveralseconds,I can’tdoanythingbutsitthereasmybrandnewJetta’senginesmokesandrainpattersinthroughthebrokenwindshield.

Abriefflashofasingleheadlightthroughthehazebringsmebacktothepresent.Toreality.TothefactthatIdefinitelyjust hitsomething goingfortymph,anditmighthavebeenanothercar Oh,fuck Fuck,fuck,fuck Thiscan’tbehappening Shaking, ittakesthreeattemptstogetmyseatbeltunbuckledandevenmoretopushthedooropen.Mylegsgiveoutthesecondtheyhit thecrackedpavementandIfall,gruntingwiththeimpact Butfromdownhere,Icanseehim

Themanlyinglifelesstenfeetfromme.Icanseenowthattheheadlightbelongstoamangledbike,andthefaceshieldon theman’srose-coveredhelmetiscracked Oh,god

“H-Hello?”Icroakoutinaterrifiedwhisper.“Canyouhearme?” Silence.

He’snotmoving Dreadmakesmybonesfeelliketwelve-tonbricksasIscramblebacktomycartofindmyphone,butI’m damnnearuselesswhenthe9-1-1dispatcherasksmewhathappenedandwhereweare.

ThelastthingIremember,IwaswaitingformyboyfriendatTazoforValentine’sDaydinner Thefishnets,high-waisted blackshorts,andlowcutwhitetanktopIwaswearinglookedsogoodagainstmywavypinkhairthatthreedifferentmenhad triedtojoinmewhileIwaited,andnow,myjacketisinexplicablycoveredinblood.AmIbleeding?Whereisit “Ma’am?!”

“Don’tma’amme,I’mtwenty-four,”Iretort,forgettingentirelywhereI’matandwhoI’mtalkingto.“Shit,I’msosorry.I Idon’tknowwhereweare He’snotmoving,youhave havetosendsomeone”

Idropmyphone,leavingthelineconnectedasIrushovertothemanIjustfuckingkilled.Hisallblackgetuplooksbloodfree,butIcan’ttellifhe’sbreathingornotunderallthatleather “Wakeup,”Ibeg,tuggingthehelmetoffhisheadanddyinga littlewhenIseehe’snotmucholderthanme.Strikinglyhandsomewithsoft,shortbrowncurls,trimmedfacialhairthatframes hissharpjaw,thickeyebrows,andaseptumpiercingthatmatchesmyown,Ihavenoreservationsabouttugginghischindown andbreathingintohismouth.IgetnoresponsefromhimatalluntilIstartchestcompressions.Jerkingawakewithagrowl,his glovedhandsshovemineoffofhimashecurlsintohimselfinpain.“Whatthefuck?”heyells,hisvoicedeepandlacedwith confusion “FuckingChrist,Ican’tbreathe”

Hecanbreatheenoughtoyellatme,butokay.

ReliefwashesthroughmewhenIrealizeI’mnotamurderer Ifnothingelse,there’sasilverlininghere “Justcalmdown Takeslowerbreaths.”

“You takeslowerbreaths whothehellareyou?”Helooksmeupanddownwithahatefulexpressionthatsetsmeon edgeandthentakesinhissurroundings “Oh,hellno Where’sMonica?”

“ProbablyattheCentralPerkwithfuckingChandler,”Imumble,pushingmyselftomyfeetasIlookaroundforasecond potentialmurdervictim I’mnotoutofthewoodsyet “Whythehelldidyouhitmewhenyouhadagirlonyourbike?Didn’t anyoneevertellyouthatwomenarepreciouscargo?”

“You’refuckinginsane,”heargues,tryingandfailingtogettohisfeet “Idon’ttakegirlsonmybike,youfuckinganimal Youkilledher.”

Followinghisheartbrokengaze,Iseehe’snotlookingforanotherhumanatall.He’sstaringathismatteblack,totaled motorcycle

Whichheapparentlynamed“Monica.”

Whatafuckingtool

Rollingmyeyes,IpushmyselftomyfeetandfliphisbikeoffasIwalkbackovertomyJetta.“Thecopswillbehereany minute YoucanexplainwhyyouandMissLewinskidecidedtofrenchkissmycar”

“Oh,fuckyou,”hegrowls,rollingontohisbackindefeatashestaresangrilyupattheslowingrain.“You’retheonethathit us!Areyoudrunk?Thatwhyyou’reina...wait,arethosefishnets?”

AmIdrunk?Idon’thaveaclue Iapparentlyblackedoutfortwohours somaybe Idon’tfeeldrunk “You’retheoneout drivingafuckingmotorcycleintherain.Anddon’tlookatmyfishnets,they’renotforyou. You’re drunk.”

“Idon’thavetoexplainshittoyou,bro You’rethedrunkonethathitme I’mtheinjuredpedestrian”

“Pedestrian?Doyouevenknowwhatthatwordmeans?”Iask.

“Itmeansperson,”hearguesagain,finallymovingtositup,butIcanseehisbreathingislabored.“I’maperson,you’rea car.”

“Itmeansapersonwalking.Italsomeansboring,somaybeitfitsyouafterall.”Iwanttokeeparguingthepoint,but

somethingabouthisexpressionsuggestshemighthaveaconcussion.Thatwouldexplainalotandalsomeansheneeds immediatehelp.“Trynottomovetoomuch.”

“Yeah,sure,Doc Maybeyoushouldcometakebettercareofyourpatient You’redoingashitjob,andIcan’tbreathein thisfuckingleather.”

He’stryingtogetoutofhisjacket,makinghimselfwinceandcussunderhisbreath I’minnohurrytohelphim,soIsit backwithmyarmscrossed.“Asknicely.”

Wecanhearthefirstsoundofanambulanceoffinthedistance,buthedoesn’tseemtocareaboutanythingbutgettingoutof hisstupidbikergearrighthere.“Willyoupleasecomehelpmeandstopbeingabitch?Niceenough?Therewasapleasein there,right?”

NowI’mevenlessinclinedtohelphim,yetImoveforwardanywayandgrabtheendofhissleeve “Okay Juststop moving,dickhead.You’rejustgonnahurtyourselfworseandIwon’thaveyoublaminganythingextraonme.”

“Ahfuck,”heyells,hisfacescrunchinginpain “Ithinkit’sbroken” “What?”Iask,droppinghisarmquickly.“What’sbroken?Yourarm?Shoulder?Brain?”

Hisrighthandgingerlytugsonthegloveofhisleft,andwhenhecriesout,it’sobviousthereisdefinitelysomethingbroken underneathit.“Mypinkyisfucked.”

I’msorry.What?

“You’recryingaboutyourpinky?What’sthematter?Afraidyouwon’tlookasfancydrinkingteanow?”

Hisheadfallsbackinastrainedlaugh,butIcan’ttellifhe’sactuallylaughingbecauseit’sfunny,orifhe’ssoangryhe doesn’tknowwhatelsetodo “HowaboutIsnapyourfingerandyouletmeknowhowitfeels?I’lltossacoupleribsinfor goodmeasure,too.Actually,it’sprobablybestifyoujuststandrightoverthereandletmehityouwiththecar.That’sfair,no?” “Wow.Fuckyou.”

“HappyfuckingValentine’sDaytoyou,too.”

Ifitwas myfault,Ididn’tdoitonpurpose,butit’sclearhedoesn’tcare.Astheambulancerollsupfollowedbytwopolice cars,Ibackawayfromhimwithmyhandsraisedandbracemyselffortheconsequences

AtleastIcansleepeasytonightknowingIhitthebiggestbastardinallofBlackridge,Idaho. Tenfuckingpointsforme

ChapterOne:

Remi

“Comeoutside.Ifinallygotmycarback,sowe’regoing...Idon’tknow.Somewhere,”Ilaugh,pullingintomybestfriend’s driveway “I’mtiredofbeingapassenger”

Miladancesherwaytothedoorinexcitementforme.“Fuckyes.God,Ican’tevenbelieveyouhitthatguy.”

MyfacefallsasImakeashowofhangingupmyphone,thenflipheroffasshegetsin.“Veryfunny,”Ideadpan.“Didn’tI tellyouthatthetopicofJaggerSaintDiazisofflimitsuntiltheendoftime?I’malreadygoingtobepayingforhisbullshitpain andsufferinguntilI’mfifty.”

“Youdid,butcomeon,Remi Youhavetotalkaboutitwithsomeone,andwhobetterthanme?Court’sovernow Airitall out.”

IwishIcould,butthat’sasure-firewaytosendmeintoaragespiral.Nooneneedsthat.Valentine’sDaywasarguablythe worstnightofmylifeandI’vealreadyhadtoreliveenoughofittothecops,theinsuranceadjusters,andthejudgewho decidedPrincessDiazwasnotonlyinnocent,butsuffereddamagesfarbeyondphysicalandproperty.Thatsmuglittleshithad hereatingoutofthepalmofhishand,brokenpinkyandall God,IwishIcouldhithimagainjustonprinciple.

“Look,Idon’tcarewhatanyonesays Therealcauseofthataccidentwasn’tme,itwasEddy Ifthatprickhadn’tditched meonValentine’sDaytofuckhisthirdcousin,Iwouldn’thavebeendrivingdowntheroadhavingapsychoticbreak,”Isay flippantly.“Heshouldbetheoneindebtforthenexttwentyyears,notme.”

“Iagree.”Shegivesmeanapologeticexpression.“Fuckingasshole.Areallmenassholes?Seriously,wherethehellare thegoodoneshiding?”

“Usuallyeitheringaybarsorweek-longDungeons and Dragons campaigns Eitherway,theywon’tfindus” “Ugh,thenerds.Weneedtofindthem.DidyouseethatTikTokaboutnerdguys?LetmeseeifIcanfindit.”

Leavinghertoit,Icrankupthemusicandrollthewindowdowntogetsomefreshair IhatethefactthatIfeelnervous drivingnow,likeifItakemyeyesofftheroadforasecond,I’llslamintosomeotherdumbassonamotorcycleandendupin jailthistime butI’mdonelettinghimcontrolmylife.I’vegotmycarbackaftermonthsofnotbeingabletoaffordthe repairs,mylifeinorder,andnotasingledestinationinmind Lifeisgood.

“Ohfuck,”shehisses Herhandfliestohermouthasshestaresdownatherphonewithwide,unblinkingeyes “Remi” “What?Didoneofthenerdsdoathirsttrapagain?Thosealwayssuckmein.It’saproblem,”Ilaugh.

“God,Ilovethose Butno HowseriousareyouwhenyousayyouneverwanttoseeJaggeragain?Becausehe’s hewent viral.”

SweetbabyJesus,hismotherMary,andwhoeverthehellJosephwas.Doesthisguyeverfuckingquit?Isanythingsacred anymore?“Forwhat,figuringouthowtoblowhimself?Ishefakingcancernowtoo,andisthatsomehowmyfault?Ohwait,I know.He’sflexinghismiraculouspinkyrecoveryandtellingotherpeopleto‘bestrong.’Goddamnit,Ihatethatguy.”

“Notquite Canyoupullover?”

“Unlessit’saeulogy,Idon’twanttoseeit,”Iargue,yethereIamflickingonmyturnsignalandhikingmyJettaovertothe shoulder CarswhizzpastasIrollmywindowupagainandturntofaceher “What?Spititout”

Sheshovesthephoneintomyhandswithoutawordandthenscrollsdowntostartthevideo.

Itlookslikeanormalnewscastatfirst,justaguyonthestreetinfrontofabarthatrecentlyreopeneddowntown.Idon’t haveacluewhatithastodowithJaggeruntilthegiantidiotstumblesintotheframe

“CanIseethat?”Jaggersnatchesthemicrophonefromthereporterandbumpshimslightlytotakehisspot.

“Youcan’t thisislive!”

“Good.Ijustneedasecond.Shh.”Thereporterhuffs,buthedoesn’tmovetosnatchthemicrophoneback.Whywouldhe whenJaggeris6’3andobviouslyspendsalotoftimeinthegym?“Listenup,PotatoState.Ihaveamessagefortheshort, angrywomanwhohitmewithherJettaonValentine’sDayanddestroyedmymotorcycle.I’mnotgoingtosayyournameor talkaboutyourpinkhairorbloodyclothes whywasthereblood,anyway?I’mtheonethatgothitbyadamncar,butthat’s notthepoint Nowthatcourtisallsettledandmylawyer’sopiniondoesn’tmeananything Ireallythinkweshouldget togetherandhatefuckeachother.”

Theclipends,leavingmeasdumbfoundedasIwasthenightwemetandthedaythejudgelaiddownherruling This.Fucking.Guy.

“Ohmygod.Blockhim.Reporthim.Dosomething,”Ihiss.“MaybepointoutthatIwastheonebleedingbecausemy

windshieldshatteredbeforeyoudo.Noonegaveashitaboutmyinjuriesandsomeofthesescarsaren’tevergoingtogo away.”

“Thisisn’thisprofile,”shelaments,movingovertoshowmethatit’sarepostofsomeoneelse’svideo,andithasovertwo hundredthousandlikes.

Shescrollsdownagainonlytofindanotherone,butthisoneisstitchedwithsomegirltalkingabouthowshehopeshefinds herandtellingeveryonetoshareandgetthewordout.“Imeanshit.Ifyoudon’twanthimhoney,Ido.”

Milasnatchesthephonetoclickonthecomments,andallwefindtherearethousandsofpeoplewhoagreewithher “Wow Thisisinsane,Remi.”

It’sanightmare,iswhatitis.“Hecan’tbeserious.Blockallofthem.There’snowayI’dgoanywherenearthattall, infuriatinglyhotdouchebag Noteveninthenameofhatesex”

MilabitesherlipandstaresdownathimlikeshethinksI’mmakingabaddecision.“Willyoujustpretendforlikefive secondswithme?Let’ssayyoudiddecidetosayfuckitanddoit WhydoIfeellikeit’dbethebestsexofyourlife?”

“Ofcourseitwouldbe,”Imumble.“They’recalledfuckboysbecausethey’reboyswhoareonlygoodforafuck.They wouldjustbelonelyassholesiftheyweren’talmostsupernaturallygiftedinthesack Butyouknowwhat?Nah Hedoesn’t strikemeasthetypetogiveashitabouthispartner’spleasure,soitwouldprobablysuck.Commentandtellhimyouknowme, butunlesshecanpointoutaclitorisonahealthposter,he’llneverseemeagain.”

“Holdon Ihaven’tfoundhisyet,butmaybesomeonetaggedhimsomewhere”ShegoesbacktoherstalkingasIbeginto driveagain,butitdoesn’ttakeherlongtofindhim.“Jesus,hehashellafollowers.Okay,I’llcommentitonhislatestvideo.”

“No,Iwaskidding,”Isayquickly “Don’tdothat Knowingmyluck,he’llfuckingGoogleitfirstandthenI’llsomehow endupinjail.”

Milasnorts,herattentionstilllockedonhispage.“Doyouwanttoseehisposts?”

“No,”Iscoff,snatchingherphoneanyway.Unsurprisingly,thethumbnailsallappeartobehisstupidlygorgeousface workingoutinsomewayoranother.FromwhatIcantell,heworksatagymwiththerestofBlackridge’sdouchebag community,andliterallyallofthemarehot Why?

Begrudgingly,Iclickonthelatestoneandseehimshowingoffhisbrandnewmotorcycle,andalmostalltherecent commentsarepeopleaskinghimifhe’sfound his girl yet I’mnotanyone’sgirl,andevenifIwas,Isurewouldn’tbeJaggerfuckingDiaz’s.“Ihavestandards,”Igrumble.

“Yourlastdudeleftyouforhiscousin.Areyousure?”

“Iwasn’ttalkingtoyou,Mila!”Jesus.She’snotwrong,butyikes.ItmakesmelaugheventhoughItrytostopit,andwhen shejoinsin,Ireallystarttofearwe’velostourminds.

“Howwasheincourt?Didhelookatyouatall?”

“Creepyfuckerstaredatmethewholetimelikehewastryingtosetmybrainonfire.Seriously.”

“Setyouonfire?Ordoyouthinkmaybehewasimaginingfuckingyourightthereinthecourtroom?”

Consideringthefactthathewasactivelytryingtobankruptme,Idon’tthinkso butwhoknows?Hiseyeswerehooded anddarkandhekeptdrumminghisfingersonthetablelikehewastryingtocontainhimself,butIjustassumedhewascharging hisdouchebattery “Wait,whyareyouencouragingthis?”

“Idon’tknow,”shebreathes,slumpingintotheseatslightly.“I’mahorriblefriend.Ijusthatethinkingaboutyousitting aroundthinkingaboutEddy Imean,allofthisishisfaultandifyougotabomb-asslayfromit,maybeitwouldn’tbeallbad Butyou’reright.GuyslikeJaggerarebadfuckingnews.”

“AndthelastthingIneedisbadfuckingnews,”Iremindher “I’vehadenoughofthattolastalifetime”

YetIfindmyselfcompletelyincapableofthinkingaboutanythingotherthanJaggerSaintDiazandhisoffertohatefuck.It doesn’tmatterthatMilaandIdrivefortwohours,stopfortacosandmargs,thenmakeourwaybacktomyhouseandwatch trashtvuntilwepassoutonthesectional

EverysinglesecondofthatwastakenupbydaydreamsofJaggerandhoweasyitwouldbetojustsayyesandgiveinonce. Justonetime He’ssofuckinghotandsomadatmethatIknowthesexwouldbeoutofthisworld butIhavetobeoutofmy damnmindtothinkthere’s any worldwhereitdoesn’tblowupinmyface.

Sonicetry,Jagger You’vegotthewronggirl

ChapterTwo: TheseHaveGotToBeTheWorstPiesInLondon

Remi

IfonemorepersonsendsmethevideoofJaggerlookingforme,I’mgoingtoscream Igetit He’shotandseemslikable enoughinatensecondstitch buttheydon’tknowhimlikeIdo.Theydon’tknowhowvindictiveheis,howcrueland cunninghecanbe.Theydon’tunderstandthatifIgiveinandlethimtouchme,he’llfindawaytouseitagainstme.It’llbethe nextrunningjoke,thenextviralvideo Icanseeitnow “She plowed me with her car, so I plowed her 0/10 don’t recommend.”

Ugh,eventhinkingaboutitmakesmewanttopunchhim ButsinceIcan’tscrollsocialmediaformorethantwominutes withoutseeingit,IknowIneedtodosomething.Mychoicesseemtobedeletingallofmyaccountsandgoingoffthegrid,or messaginghimtotellhimtoknockitoff

WhileI’mnotsureit’lldoanygood,Igowithoptiontwo.ThedayIletamanchasemeofftheinternetwillbeasadday indeed,andthatisnottoday.

TwoglassesofLambruscolater,I’mreadytoverballyboxhim Myblack-tippednailsclickagainstthekeyboardasItryto figureoutwheretobeginandhowbesttoevisceratehimwithwords,buttodayofalldays,thesnarky,quick-wittedbitchwho normallylivesinsidemehasgonequiet Figures.

Istartanddeletethewordsoverandoveragain. Listen here, you little shit no,no.No. For the record, I wouldn’t touch you if your skin was made of cashmere nope.Notthateither. LOL bitch you thought ugh,no. I should’ve hit you harder

Delete,delete,delete Thisshouldn’tbethatdifficult.

Sighing,Idecidetotakethesimplerouteinsteadofthepettyone,andsimplysendhimamessagethatsays“No,thanks” withanupsidedownsmileyfaceemoji.Hopefullythat’llgetmypointacrosswithoutincitingviolence,andtheendofthis wholeclusterfuckwillbeinsight.IwantnothingmorethantoforgetJaggerDiazexists. Whydoesn’theseemtowantthesame?

TheCedricTheatreisasemptyasmywilltobeanadulttodayasImakemywaybackstage.We’reinHellWeekforourfourth runofSweeney Todd inasmanyyears,butthisismyfirstaspropmaster.Eachrun,thesetgetsmoredetailed,thecostumesget moreinvolved,andthestraightrazorusedtoslitthroatsgetsjustasmidgemoreromantic.I,too,wouldlovetosingalittle songwhileIseverafewcarotids,butIdigress AndrewCayetanodoesagoodenoughjobasourToddthatIcanlive vicariouslythroughhimonemoretime.

Theshow,intypicalCedricfashion,willrunforfivenightsnextweekandasinglematineeonSaturday Onemightthink Mondayisaterriblechoiceforanopeningnight,butthepeoplearoundhereshowupindroves,anyway.Weliveinfucking Idaho.Whatelsearetheygoingtodo?AnditmeansthatoncethecurtainfallsnextSaturday,I’lljustneedtoensurethe borrowedpropsarereturnedandtherestaresafelystoredbeforeI’mfreeforthenexttwomonths God,I’mlookingforwardtosleepingin.

IkeepthatsingularthoughtinmymindasIgetthingssetupbackstageandtakeaninventoryoftheprops:everythingfrom rollingpinstosteinsandthreeofTodd’sstraightrazors.Theurgetoplaywiththeoneriggedtoshootbloodisalmost overwhelming,butRinaNewport,ourresidentMrs Lovett,interruptstotellmethatoneoftheinternskickedaholethrough hermaincounter.

Thisshouldn’tbemyfuckingjob,butourtechdirectorisanidiotwithhalfabraincellonagoodday,soIfollowherover toassessthedamageandcheckmyphoneontheway

Ohlook,amessagefromJagger.

Jay: Lol so you didn’t like my newscast? Everyone else seemed to love it Whatafuckingtool

Me: No, but I’m flattered that you told the whole world how obsessed you are with me. Go ruin someone else’s life. There.Ifthatdoesn’tdothetrick,Idon’tknowwhatwill. “Okay,”Isigh,staringatthegapingholeinfrontofme.“Thisisfine.AtleastithappenednowandnotnextMonday,right?” Ioffer.“I’llradioTylerandhavehim ”myphonebuzzes,makingmegritmyteeth “I’llhavehimfixitup.Justgoget acquaintedwiththeproptable Ithinkthey’realmostdonewiththedryrun,sowe’llneedyouguysonstagesoon” RinarushesoffasIcheckmyphoneagain,nearlythrowingthedamnedthing.

Jay: And here I am thinking girls love grand gestures Would you have preferred I stalked you on the internet and suggested our hookup in private?

“MissFox?MissFox!Oneofthebarrelsisleakingallovertheplace Whatshouldwedo?”

Leaking?Whatthefuck?“Whichoneofyouabsolutenimrodsputliquidinthem?They’reprops!Cleanitoutandmakesure youhavewhoeverdidthatmopupthemess.Ifsomeoneslipsandhurtsthemselvesthisclosetoopeningnight,I’mcomingafter you.”

Theinternsqueaksandrunsbacktowardthesetstoragearea,butwhenIseeAndrewheadedtowardmelookingsheepish,I knowthebullshithasjustbegun IholdupafingertoshushhimlongenoughtoshutJaggerdown

Me: Look, I really don’t have time for this right now, okay? Bye

Thistime,Iturnmyphoneoffcompletelyandshoveitbackinmypocket.“Ifyouhavebadnewsforme,Isuggestyoutake aboutthreestepsbackbeforedeliveringit Ifirmlybelieveinshootingthemessenger” “IwasjustwonderingwhereI’msupposedtogoformakeup,”hemumbles.“Maddyisn’thereyet.”

“Sweet,sweetsummerchild Sheisn’tcomingandwon’tbecominguntilThursday,whenwehaveanactualdress rehearsal.Didyouhityourhead?You’renotnewhere.”

Thankfully,hetakesthefakesmileonmyfaceasteasinghumorandlaughsitoff,butIgenuinelywanttostranglehim.He’s immenselytalented arguablywaytootalentedforourstupidlittletheater andyetwehavetoholdhishandthroughevery secondofaproductionbecausehehasthememoryofagoldfishandtheself-confidenceofatoasterstrudelwithouticing.He justbecomesawholedifferentmanwhenhestepsonstage Daysliketoday,I’mnotsosureit’sworthit.

Thenextfewhoursaresuchablurofcorrections,near-misses,malfunctionsand“that’sameatcleaver,Rina,”thatI’m completelyexhaustedbythetimeI’vegotthingspackedup.Somehow,Ialwaysromanticizethisjobafterthefactandconvince myselfit’stheeasiestthingintheworld,butthisisonlydayone.Virtuallyeverydayforthenexttwoweeksisgoingtobelike this,andifIdon’tfindsomesortofrelease,I’mgoingtoendupsnappingonsomeone Andthat’swhenithitsme.

Jagger

Withallhisfaults,there’szerochanceI’lleverfallforhim.He’shotenough.Hewantsmebadlyenoughtobroadcastiton nationaltelevision Sowhynot?Whyshouldn’tIlethimhatefuckmejusttoletsomeofmyfrustrationout?Iwon’tevenhave topretendtolikeit.

Turningmyphoneon,Irollmyeyesathisnewestmessage.

Jay: I’m sure you don’t That’s why you took the time to message me Fine.Hewantstoplaylikethat?Let’sseehowbadlyhereallywantsit.

Me: Get my address from your lawyer and be at my house in thirty minutes. If you ’ re not there by then, I’m locking the door and blocking you everywhere You get one shot Don’t miss Withthetextsent,Idrivehomeandthrowmyselfintotheshowerwithoutbotheringtoseeifherespondedornot.Either he’llshowuporhewon’t,andatthispoint? Iwon’tlosesleepeitherway.

ChapterThree: ALittleLessSixteenCandles,ALittleMoreTouchMe

Remi

Sixminutesbeforeherunsoutoftime,Ihearhisstupidmotorcyclerevvinginmydriveway

Justonprinciple,Iwanttolock thedoorandfliphimoffthroughthewindow,butcuriosityhasmeholdingoff.Ineedtoseewhathe’sgoingtodo.

Whenheknocks,IlethimcarryonforaminutebeforeIswingthedooropenandstepbacktotakehimin.Withhisfitted jeans,blackmotojacket,plainblackshirt,andfuck-meeyes,helooksexactlythewayIremember Hisrose-coveredhelmet looksbrandnewunderhisarm,andmaybehisbeardisalittleshorternow butthisisdefinitelyJaggerDiaz,manofmy nightmaresandorchestratorofmyfinancialruin “Maybedon’ttalk,”Isaythesecondheopenshismouth “You’rebetteras eyecandy.”

Thefuckersnorts “Likewhatyouseethen,huh?”

HestepsintomyhousebeforeIcaneveninvitehimin,hiscolognefloodingmysensesashesetshishelmetasideand shrugsoffhisjacket.

I’veonlygottentoseehistattoosinthethirsttrapshe’spostedsincehewasalwaysdressedtotheninesincourt,butnow? Seeingthewaytheysnakedownhisthick,firmbicepsandcurlaroundhishandsmakesmythighsclench.Fuck,Ineedtofocus onthethingsabouthimthatmakememadbeforeIdosomethingstupidlikefuckboyaroundandfindout

“Godfailedtogiveyouadecentpersonality,sohehadtomakeupforitsomehow,didn’the?”Iquip.“Hewasstillalittle stingywiththelooks,butit’spassable.”

“Yeah,andhegaveyouthecharismaofachihuahuawithafoxtailinherpaw,soit’sonlyfairwebothgotthelooks,right?”

I’dbemadifitwasn’tsospot-on.Still,thenerveofthismantoshowupatmyhouseexpectingtogetlaidwhenhe’sgonna leadwithsomethinglikethat?Outstanding “I’msurprisedyouevenknowwhatthewordcharismameans,”Isnapback “Did comingupwiththatgiveyouaheadache?”

“Littlebit,yeah,”hesayswithasmirk,hisdeepbrowneyesscanningmyhouse “Actually,Ihadmonthstocomeupwithit, RemingtonReeseFox.IthitmethefirsttimeIsawyourname.ThisisexactlywhatIexpectedyourhousetolooklike,too.”

Myjawdrops.It’snotanoutrightinsult,butitsuresoundslikeone,anyway.Especiallycomingfromhim.“Whatthefuckis thatsupposedtomean?You’refreetowalkyourdesignerdogassouttahereanytimeyouchoose.Likenow,wouldbegreat.”

“Whywasthatthethingthatoffendedyou?”Finally,hisgazelocksonmeandIseesomethingonhisfacethatisn’t smugness “Didyoucallmeadesignerdog?”

“Youcalledmeafuckingchihuahua,”Iremindhim.“Andyeah.Frillylittlecurls,showboatattitude,egowaybiggerthan deserved Youlooklikeyoubelonginsomeone’spurse”

Jaggerlaughssohardit’salmostimpossiblenottojoinin.“Theydon’tmakepursesthissize,Foxy.Anditwasn’tmeantto beoffensive,itjustmeansthere’snobullshit.Mymomhasartfrompaintersshecouldn’tevennamealloverherwallsandI alwaysthoughtitwaspointless”

Heshrugsandmovesdeeperintomylivingspace.I’mreallystartingtowonderwhenthefuckingisgoingtobegin,because rightnow,allIfeelisthehatredbetweenusashestartsrunninghisfingerovermyentertainmentcentertocheckfordust “You don’tneedtoknowtheentirehistoryofapaintingtoappreciatetheart,”Iargue.“Isn’tthatthewholepremiseofwhatyou cameherefor?Justaquickfuck?”

“You’reright.”Heclosesthedistancebetweenusandbacksmeagainstthewall,onehandgrippingmychinsoIcan’tlook away.“Youhateme.Icanfuckingfeelit.”

“HowcanInot?You’vebeenadicksincethemomentImetyou,andnowI’mindebtforfuckingdecadesbecauseyou couldn’tjusttakethenewbikeandthepaidhospitalbills.Youhadtogoformore.Youhadtohurtmemore.”God,thiswasa mistake IsweartoeverythingholyifIragecryrightnow,I’llbeburyinghisbodybymidnight “SofuckmelikeImeannothing toyouandthenleavemethehellalone.”

Hiseyesflashasecondbeforehismouthcrashestomineandthathandslipsdowntogripmythroat ThemomentIfeel whatthatkissdoestomybody,tomysoul, Ismackhischesttopushhimback.“No,”Ipant.“Don’tfeignintimacywithme. That’snotwhatthisis.”Itcan’tbe.Thatfelttoogood,andthat’sterrifying.Islaphischestagainforgoodmeasurethenreach topulloffmyshirt “Justbeagoodboyandtakeoffyourclothes”

“Sofuckingmean,”hegrowls,liftingmetotossmeoverhisshouldertotakemetomyroom.Hegoestothewrongoneat first,butIdon’thelphim Bigboycanfindithimself Whenhedoes,I’mnotatallpreparedforthewayhetossesmeonthe bedlikeadoll.“Idon’tfucklikeagoodboy,Remington.Youdon’twantmetokissyourmouth?”Hethumbsmybottomlipand thenreachestotugonmypants.“That’sfine.Whatabouthere,hmm?Youstillhavekissingrulesagainstmeeatingthisangry littlepussy?”

Ihaverulesaboutthismangettinganypartofme,butfuckmeifIdon’twantit.Ifthebrokenlittlepartsofmearen’t

cravingthis, him.Achancetogetsomethinggood,howeverfleeting,outofthismansenttoruinme.“Nope.Youcansuffocate anddiedownthereforallIcare.Putyourmouthtogooduse.”

Hedropsdownwithalaugh,histeethnippingmyinnerthighsoharditmakesmegasp,butbeforeIcanyellathim,that sinfultongueswipesallthewayupmypussyuntilit’sflickingmyclit.

“Surprisedyoudidn’tneedamaptofindit,”Imumble,tanglingmyhandinhishairandwrappingmylegsaroundhishead Itannoysmebeyondbeliefthatinfiveseconds,he’sprovenhe’sthebestI’veeverhadinthisregard butI’drathereatlive spidersthanadmitthattohim “Isthiswhyyoukeptstaringatme?”Igoad “Youweredyingtoeatmypussy?”

Hegrowls,suckingharderasananswer,andwhentwothickfingersworktheirwayinsideofme,mymaskslipsforjusta second.

Oh my god

Eyesrolling,Itakeashudderingbreathtostiflethemoanthreateningtoslipoutandgrindonhistongue.“Fuck.Stayright there Don’tfuckingmove”

Jaggerpresseshisfingersdirectlyontomyg-spotandcurlsthemlikeafuckingexpert,hisotherhandreachinguptopinch mynipple Itsendsanungodlytremorthroughmybody,makingmythighsshakeandmybreathhitchasIgetsoclosetothe edge,Ican’tstandit.“Harder,”Imoan,soakinghistonguethesecondheobeys.Wavesofpent-upeuphoriathreatentodrown meashecontinuestoworkmethroughit,andwhenhesitsuplookingsmugashell,hewipeshismouthoffandslapsthehell outofmydrippingcunt “Neededthat,didn’tyou?”

Hetosseshisshirtasideandstartsworkingonhisjeans,thebulgeinthemtellingmeexactlyhowreadyheistofuckthe helloutofme andexactlyhowIcangetalittlerevengeofmyown

“Idid,yeah.Thanksforcoming.Youknowwherethedooris.”

Thatstupidfuckboyfacadewaversforthefirsttime.IfIthoughthelookedlikeadesignerdogearlier,henowlookslike onethatjustgotlockedinacrate.Thosethickeyebrowsfurrowashetriestogetareadonme,andIswearIseepanicinhis eyes.“You’reserious?”

No ThatfeltgoodandIwantmore,butthat’sexactlywhyIneedtonipthisinthebudimmediately Ifiguredhe’dbe passable,maybeevengood,butnotthigh-shaking,mindblowinglygreat.“Yes.I’masseriousasthattimeyousuedmefor $150,000 Thanksfortheorgasm Getout”

“Ididn’tsueyoufor$150,000,”heargues.“That’swhattheygrantedmebecausetheythoughtIdeservedit.Whythefuck arewetalkingaboutthisrightnow?”

Hepushesdownonhisbonerlikehe’stryingtopretenditisn’tthere,butthefactthathethinkshisargumentmakesa differencefuckingkillsme.Iwanttoscreamathim,toyellathim,tomakehimunderstandexactlywhathedidtome...andyet Ican’t Hedoesn’tdeservetoknow “Okay,andIthoughtIdeservedanorgasm,sothat’swhatIgot Whydoyouthinkyou deserveone?”

“Deserveone?”Hesound’sflabbergasted “Wasthatyourintentiontostart?Getmeheretogetyouoffonetimeandthen turnmeawaybeforeIcanevengetmydickout?Isthissomelittlerevengescheme,Remington?”

Thewaymystomachflipsiscriminal.Noonefull-namesme,notanymore.“HowthehellwasIsupposedtoknowyou’d leadwithbullshitkissesandtheneatmypussy?”Ipointout “Iexpectedyoutobendmeoverinthelivingroom,thrustthree timesandgetyourcumallovermyfuckingafghan.”MyresolveiswaveringandIknowhecanseeit.Imightbeapettybitch withallthecharismaofachihuahua,butI’malsoapeoplepleaserinthesack It’sahardlinetowalkonagoodday,butnow? It’salmostimpossible.“Feelfreetojackoffinthebathroomsinkbeforeyougo.”

Hisjawflexesashestandsupandgrabshisshirt,butheseemstothinkbetterofitwhenhelooksdownathiscock “Fuck itthen.”Heshoveshispantsoff,andbeforeIrealizewhat’shappening,he’sclimbingontopofmeinjusthisbriefsandthen shovingthembelowhisballs.“I’lljackoffrightheresoyoucanseewhatyou’repassingon.”

Thesecondhewrapshishandaroundhimself,Iloseallabilitytothinkrationally Howmanypeoplehavehurtmeinmy lifethatItrulybelievethisisthehottestthingamanhaseverdone?He’snothurtingme,buthiskneesarecagingmeinandI havenowheretogo AllIcandoislayhereandstareattheshiny,leaking,perfectcockheadteninchesinfrontofmyface My mouthwatersasIwatchhisexpertfingersglideupanddown,revealingathickshaftandlickableveinsashetwistshishand. Ishouldtellhimtogetoff Tomove Toleave ButIcan’t.

“Fuck,Ihateyou,”hegrowls,hipsbuckingintohisfist.“Layingtherelookingsofuckingperfect.”

“Mustsucktoknowyoucan’thaveme,huh?”Itaunt,andsometwistedlittlepartofmetakesover “Thatyou’llneverknow whatitfeelsliketosinkinsidemypussyasIbegyouformore?God,Ilovetobeg.I’msofuckinggreedyaboutit.”

Thenoisehereleasesispureanimalashereachesouttograbmythroat,onlyhedoesn’tchokeme Hejustleavesitthere asathreat,butifhewantedmetoshutup,hecouldhaveeasilycoveredmymouth.“Betyouareagreedylittlecockslutinbed. It’sneverenough,isit?Noguyyou’veeverlethaveyouhaseverbeenenough,butIwouldbe.Youknowittoo...that’swhy you’retryingtodenyme.”

He’sdangerouslyperceptiveforafuckboy.Butrightnow,withmypussysowetI’mthreeheartbeatsawayfromgivingin,I

don’tcarehowperceptiveheis.Ineedtokeepmyheadonstraight.“Nottrying,Jagger.Iam denyingyou.Thisrighthere? Yourhandaroundmythroatandprecumdrippingonmytits?It’sallyou’llhaveofme.Betyouwanttocomealloverme,don’t you?Youwanttopinmedownandmakemetakeit?”

“Wanttofuckthatinfuriatingmouth,”headmits,handtwistingtheheadofhiscockfasterashenearstheedge.“ButI’lltake whatIcanget”

Hishandtightenstocutoffthebloodflowjustashebeginsreleasingallovermychest,andhisgazeneverbreaksfrom mine Idon’tallowmyselftoevenblinkashefinisheseventhoughitneverseemstoend It’sanunbelievableamountofcum, drippingdownmybodyandpoolingintomybellybutton.I’mgratefulitstopsthere,butalso...whatwoulditfeellikeonmy pussy?

“Getout,”Iwhisper,dyingtoknowbutunwillingtotryitinfrontofhim Ineedtocomeagainsobadlyit’sbringingtears tomyeyes.“Gotothebathroomandgetmeatowelorsomething.”

Hehuffsalaughandsitsbacktostareatthemesshemade “CanIhavefivesecondsofafterglow?Yourattitudeisonly goingtomakemydickhardagain.”

No It’sgonnadryoratleastnotbeaswarmbythen Screwit,Ineverhavetoseehimagainafterthis “Closeyourfucking eyes.”

Withoutwaiting,Iswipemyfingersthroughhiscumandrubmyclit,lipspartinginblisswhenitfeelsexactlyasgoodasI thoughtitwould

Hishandreplacesminewithmorecome,hisperfectdesignercockstilloutandondisplayashemovesexpertlyalongthe desperate,swollenbud “Greedygirl Youneedanotheronebeforeyoukickmeoutforrealthistime?”

Yes,yes,yes!Fuck,mythighsaretwitchinguncontrollablyandIcan’tformthewordstotellhimtogofuckhimself.I’man absoluteshaking,desperatemess.“Shutup.”

Hishandstopscompletely.“Whatwasthat?” I...what?

Inadaze,Imeethiseyes Thismotherfuckerjustedgedme “Youheardme” Iimmediatelywanttoslapthesidewayssmirkoffhisface.“Nah,sayitagain.”

Hestartsplayingwithmyclitagain,thistimewiththeheadofhiscock,andI’maboutatthepointwhereI’dsayanythingto getoff.“Isaidshutup,”Isaysharper.

“Somean,”hecoos.“Tellmeyouhateme.”

Slowly,hemovesoffofmylegstospreadthem.HiscockgoesrightbacktoteasingmyclitlikeI’msupposedtopretendI don’tknowhe’sabouttofuckmeeventhoughItoldhimno.

Theproblemis I’mnotsayingnoanymore

“Ido,”Iwhisper.“Ifuckinghateyou,Jagger.You’retheworstthingthat’severhappenedtome.”

Mywordsmakehimmoan “Fuckinghell Nowtellmewhyyouinvitedmehere” BecauseI’mafuckingmasochist?

Rockingmyhipstochasehiscock,Iexhalehard.“BecauseIthoughtitwasmyturntotakesomethingfromyou.”

“Thenfuckingtakeit,”hechallenges,shovinghiscockinsideofmewithagroan,andit’snotlostonmethathedidn’tput onacondom.“UsemefortheonlythingI’mgoodfor.”

Abrokenboyforabrokengirl Howfitting

“Thenrollover.”Squirminguntilhepullsout,Ipushhimintohisbackandstraddlehim,sinkingbackonhiscockand tippingmyheadbackashefillsmeup Idon’tneedtolookathimnow,don’tneedtowaitforhimorbeghimnottoedgeme again.He’smine,under me, andhe’sright.Ideservetousehim.

HimutteringsomethingIcan’tunderstandalmostbreaksmyconcentration,butIrefusetolethimmindfuckmeanymore. Ijusttake Hisnailsrakedownmythighs,rubhiscumintomyskin,thenpressonmyclit He’stryingsofuckinghardtoget myattention,buthewon’tgetit.He’sjustanotherdickwithadick.

Butgod,thatdickisgood It’shittingspotsIdidn’tknowwerepossiblewithsex,coaxingmehigherandhigheruntilI nearlyforgethe’stherealtogether.

Nearly

“Fuck,Rems.Giveittome.Comeallovermycock.”

Whenhepinchesmyclit,myeyesflickdownoutofinstinct,andonelookathowferalheisformesendsmeover.

“Goodgirl,”hegrowls,hishipsmovinginsyncwithminesoperfectlytearsspringtomyeyes “Myturn”

Igetwhiplashwithhowhardheslamsmebackontothebed,buthedoesn’tslipbackinsideofmeuntilI’monmystomach andcompletelyruiningmysheetswithallofhiscum

“Staystillandtakeit.”

Histhrustscompletelytakemybreathaway,andIlearnquicklythattherewasneverasinglemomentduringanyofthis whereIwasincontrol.

Thethoughtmakesmewetalloveragain.

“No,”Irasp,pushingbacklikeI’mfightinghimbutonlymanagingtotakehimdeeper.Itdragsamoanfrommethatturnsto ascreamasmypussyclenchesandhisarmwrapsaroundmychesttokeepmeinplace.

“What’syoursafeword,Remington?”

Hehasn’tstoppedfuckingme,andit’samiracleIcanthinkstraightenoughtowhimperout,“Gasoline.Pleasedon’tstop.” Hechuckles,slowingtosnaphishipsasdeepashecan “Iwon’t,baby Iknowwhatyouneed”

Teethfindmyshoulderashespeedsupagain,buthiswordstripmeuptoomuchtoletmyselfsinkintothepleasure.“I’m notyourbaby I’mnotanythingtoyouaftertonight”

Jaggersitsupwithafrustratedgrowl,hisdickstillburieddeepinsidemeashegetsintopositiontospankmyass.“Geton allfours.”Hedoesn’twaitformetocomply,hemaneuversmeexactlyhowhewantsandthenspitsonmyasshole.“Shutthe fuckupandtakeit,then”

Whenhisthumbhooksintomyass,Icryoutfromtheburn,andheimmediatelystartsfuckingmelikeheabsolutelyhates me Hisgriponmyhipissoundashemakesmetakeeverybrutalinch,butI’mnotsureanythinghaseverfeltbetter “Fuckingmakeme,”Ihiss.“Youcallthatrough?YouthinkIcan’tfuckingtakeit?”

Allthatmakeshimdoisreleaseadeepchuckleandkeepgoing Hedoesn’tchangeanythingatall,andIhonestlythink that’sworsethanifhetriedtofuckhardertoshowoff.He’sabletokeepthisbrutalpacewithease,hiscockhittingalltheright placesasItrytopretendthatI’mnotfallingapartunderhim,andwithallthefilthythingshe’smutteringIknowI’mseconds awayfromcomingagain “Desperatelittlecuntissofuckingtight”

That’sfine.I’mrightthereontheedgeandtwocanplaythisgame.“Itis,”Imoan.“Givemeyourcum,Jagger.Comeinside me Please,Ineedit”

“Ahfuckyou,”hegroans,hishipsfalteringsosuddenly,IknowIfinallygottheupperhand.Histhrustsonlygetmore desperateasIfinallyletgoandcomealloverhiscock,squeezingthelifeoutofhimandmoaninghisname.

“Giveittome,”Irushout.“Allofit.Pumpthatbigloadinsideme.”

“Rems,”hegrunts,hiscockpulsingsoviolentlyIfeeltheforceofhisrelease,butheseemstocometohissensesaftera fewsecondsandtriestopullhimselfout It’stoolatethough,almostallofhisloadisinmypussy,buthestrokesafewmore timestogetsomeonmyskin.“Fuckit.”

Hepusheshisspentcockbackinsideofmeandusesthatthumbtofingertherestofhiscuminsidemyass,completely fuckingruiningme.Ifeelhimeverywhere.

I’mpainfullyawarethatIneedacourseofantibioticsandabaseballbattothebrainbecauseofthis,butIdon’tcare.For rightnow,foronesinglemoment,Ifeltlikemyselfagain.

Iwonderhowlongit’llbebeforehetakesthatfrommelikehetakeseverythingelse.

ChapterFour: MyBadHabitsLeadToYou

Fuck,thishastobethebestpussyI’veeverfelt

Jagger

Istillcan’tbelieveIfuckedthisgirlrawafterswearingupanddownIneverwould especiallywithaone-nightstand butshecaughtmecompletelyoffguardhere.Ididn’texpecthertopretendtokickmeout,Ididn’texpecthertotellmetojust jackoff,andIsureasfuckdidn’texpecttoleavethecondominmyjeanswhenIclimbedbackonthisbedtodoit Iwas irritatedandnotthinking.Butaboveallofthat,Ididn’texpecthertofeel so damngood.

IthinkIhateheralittlemoreforit

IknowIneedtopulloutofher,butit’slikemydickknowsthisisaone-timedeal,soit’sstayingathalf-mastlikeit’s waitingforroundthree Unfortunatelythough,Idon’tthinkwe’regonnagetit Icanfeelhershuttingdownasherbodykicksme out,andit’sonlyamatteroftimebeforehermouthstartsgoingagain.

Afteranothermoment,IdecideImightaswellbreakthespellforussoshedoesn’thaveto.Iam agentleman,afterall. “You’reonbirthcontrol,right?”

“Nope.”

Yeah,that’lldoit

Pullingoutofherfeelslikealoss,butIdoitanywayandstaredownatthemessImade.There’scumeverywhere,literally all overthisgirl’sbody,andthere’sabsolutelynowaythisdoesn’tgetherpregnantifsheisn’tonbirthcontrol.Ofallthe peopletohaveaslipwith,Ichosetheonethathatesme.

How’sthatforself-sabotage?IthinkIjusttoppedallmyotherfuck-upsandIstillcan’tfinditinmetoregretit.Itfelttoo damngood

“Doyouneedmetogetthemorningafterpill?”

“Nah,”shesays,rollingoverandmeetingmyeyeswithnothingbutice-coldsteelinhers “IthinkI’llkeepit Childsupport fromyou,damagesfromme...itshouldevenouteventually.ThanksformakingitwayeasierthanIthought.”

I’msofucked,andhonestly...it’sprobablywhatIdeserve.NotthatI’llletherknowthat.“That’swhyyousaidit,huh?You knewnofuckingguycanpulloutwhenawomanisbeggingforhiscum.”

Sheshrugs,reachingdowntogently,lazilyplaywithherclit.“Maybe.Youdon’tseemveryupset.”

“Whatever You’renotthefirstgirltotrytotrapme,you’rejustthefirstonethatactuallygotthisfar Betitdoesn’teven take.”

Igetoffthebedlikemyheartisn’tbeatingamillionmilesaminuteandI’mnotfivesecondsawayfromhavinganasthma attack,butforonceinmylife,actinglikeIdon’tfuckingcarepaysoff.

“Jesus.It’snotevenfunanymore.Ihavetheimplant,soyes,I’monbirthcontrol.DoyouhonestlythinkI’dletyourcum anywherenearmybodyifIwasn’t?”

IknowshecanseethereliefonmyfaceeventhoughIonceagaintrytoplayitoff.Mymomwouldhavekilledme. “Yeah,actually Haveyouseenthesegenes?”

Sheeyesmewithoneeyebrowraised.“IsaidwhatIsaid.”

Grabbinghershirtoffthefloor,Istartwipingmyselfoffwithachuckle “Mmhm,sure CauseifIlookedlikeSlothfrom The Goonies,I’msureyoustillwouldhavetakenmeuponmyoffer.”

“Youdon’tknowwhatI’minto,”shecounters.“Ihadacrushonacartoonliongrowingup.”

“Itdefinitelywasn’tSimba itwasKovu,wasn’tit?”

“Theyhadnorighttomakehimthathot,that’sallI’msaying.”

We’renotsupposedtohaveagoodconversation,andyethereIamgettingdressedlikeI’manactual slothsoitcanlasta littlelonger.“Ehh,Nala’smoremytype.Kovuseemedlikeafuckboyjusttryingtoimpressthechicks.”

Shesnortsaquietlaugh “Seemsmytasteshaven’tchangedmuch,then”

I’dargueifIhadanargument,butunfortunatelyIdon’t.Iknowwhatwomenconsiderfuckboysthesedays,andIknowit kindof,maybe,alotresemblesme.Whatever.

“Guessnot”Ipullonmyshirtandgrabthetowelhanginginthebathroomforher,thentossithardenoughtohitherinthe face.Score.“Youlivealone?”

“Yep That’showIpreferit”

Good,thatmeansnoonewillcallthecopsonmeifItrytocomeback.SomethingtellsmeRemiwouldn’teither,butshe’d denyituntilthelastsecond.“Soundsaboutright.”Ileaveherroomtofindmywaytothekitchen,thengrabusbothabottleof waterbeforeItakemyleave.“Here,I’msureallthoseorgasmsleftyoudehydrated.”

Isetthewaterdownnexttoherandgrinlikeanasshole,butitfadesquicklywhenIseetheconfusiononherface.It’sthe

firsttimeshe’severlookedatmewithanythingotherthancompletedisdain,butoverthis?Water?What,hasn’tanyoneever takencareofherbefore?

FilingthatawayundershitIshouldn’tcareabout,Ireachoutandruffleherhairuntilshesmacksmyarm “Fuckoff,”she snaps.“Goaway.Weneverneedtoseeeachotheragain.Yougotwhatyouwanted.”

“Whateveryousay,Remington Ithinkyou’llbecallingmesoon Youmayaswelljustgivemeakeynow” Ibackawaybeforeshecanhitme,laughingmywaytoherfrontroom.Beforeshejoinsmeoutthere,Iunlockoneofher backyardwindowssoIcansneakinnexttimeandscaretheshitoutofher

Butshedoesn’tfollowmeatall.Iheartheshowerkickon,andthefactthatsheisn’tfallingalloverherselftryingtoget morefrommeisablowtomyego,butseeingasnooneisaroundtowitnessmydisappointment,I’llneverhavetoadmitit. Tobepetty,Iwalkovertothewhiteboardhanginginherkitchenanderasehergrocerylistandweeklychorestoleaveher anote.Mynotesaremoreimportant,anyway.

Thanks for the hate fuck, Fox

Good luck cleaning that comforter. Oh, remember those Where’s Waldo books from when we were kids? Let’s do our own version of that game, yeah? It’s called Where Else Did Jay’s Cum Get?

Have fun on your search :)

IfeelalittlebetterabouttheegojabasItakemyleave,butseeingasshedidn’teventrytohangoutwithmeorfeedmeat all,I’mfuckingstarving It’smycheatdayanyway,soIstraddlemybikeandpostaquickTikTokaskingforagoodlocal burgerjoint.Idon’tneedto,everyonewhoactuallyknowsmeknowsJimmy’sistheonlyplaceI’llgoforaburgerinthisdamn town,soIdon’tevenlookatthecommentsuntilafterI’veplacedanorderandI’msittingdownintheboothalone

Imightbeanextrovertmostofthetime,butIreallydolovedoingthingsbymyselflikeeatingorseeingamovie.Idon’t evenownacarbecauseI’dratherhoponmymotorcyclealoneanyday,andforthosecoldwinterdaysIcan’tride,Imake Rhodesgivemealifttowork.It’sthebeautyoflivingnextdoortoyourbusinesspartner.

WeopenedBadHabitsGymalmostsixyearsagoandneverexpectedittotakeoffthewayitdid,butseeingasthisisa smalltownwithoutmanyoptions,it’sworkedoutwellinourfavor We’vebeenintheblacksinceyeartwo,andalthoughI don’tknowmuchaboutthebusinessstandpointofit,IknowthatplaceneedsmejustasmuchasitneedsRhodes.

WhenIwasout,welostmoneyforthefirsttimeinyears Afewpeopleswappedtrainerslikeitwasn’tabigdeal,buteven morepeoplestoppedcomingalltogetherwhenIwasn’ttheretomotivatethem.Someofthemstillhaven’tcomeback,and asidefromstalkingthemontheirlistedaddresses,Idon’tknowhowthehelltogetthemto.

Irefusetobeoneofthosesalespeoplewhohoundsomeoneoroneofthosepersonaltrainersthatannoythefuckoutoftheir clientsformoney.Iactuallycareaboutallofthem,andIhateknowingIfuckeduptheirprogressbygettinghitbyadamnJetta.

Forawhile,IblamedRemiforit Istillkindofdo,butIalsoknowaccidentshappen,andasmuchasshesaysshe’sglad shehitme,Iknowsheisn’t.Notjustforthemoneyshehastopay,butnooneactuallywantstheaftermathofallthatbullshit.

Someofthethingssheadmittedtogoingthroughincourtwerebrutal,though IactuallyfeltsobadforherInearlypulled outaltogether,butwhenmylawyerconvincedmenottosettle,Ididn’tfighthim.Iwastooangrytogiveheranout,andIguess pullingoutisn’tathingthatcomesnaturallyformeinanyform.Somewouldclassifymeasadick...andIwon’targue.

Iassumedshewasrichjudgingbyherattitudeandbrandnewcar,butnowthatIknowmoreabouther,Icanseeshe’sjusta regularpersonlikeme.It’stoolatetobackoutnowthough,andadmittingIwaswronghasneverbeenoneofmystrongsuits. Oncemyfoodarrives,Iscarfitdownandletthewaitressthinkshehasashotbyentertainingherflirting,buttheentiretime she’speacockinghercleavageinmyface,IfindIdon’tevencaretofindouthername.Ican’tstopthinkingaboutfuckingRemi.

AbouthowIcameinsideofherlikesometeenagerwithnoself-control

I’mtornbetweenrunningovertothedoctorstogettestedandjustassumingshe’stoomeantobeactivelysleepingaround, butasIjumponmybiketoleave,Idecidetoleaveituptofate.Myfateisalreadysealed,anyway.Ifthatcrazychickgaveme anSTI,thenthere’snothingIcandoaboutitnow

SoImightaswellfuckherafewmoretimesforgoodmeasure.

ChapterFive: Don’tCallMeBaby

Remi

Everywhere,Jagger Theanswerisyourfuckingcumgoteverywhere

Angrilyerasingthemessageheleftme,IshiverasIrememberthehourlongsearchthatensued.Icheckedmycouch cushions,mypottedplants,mysink.Mysockdrawer.Mywashingmachine.Everywhere.Ithoughtforsurehewaswarningme hejackedoffsomewhereelse,butnope Hejustmeantitwasallovermycomforter,myass,mypussy,mythighs,mystomach, mytits,mythroat,andsomeevengotinmyhair.

Iwascoveredinitwhenheleft

Thethoughtmakesmealittlequeasynow,eventhoughI’dhavebeggedformoreatthetime.I’monlyacumslutuntilthe dopaminecrash

Andman,didthedopamine crash.

It’stakingeverythingI’vegottokeepmyheadabovewateratrehearsal.Thankfullytherearen’tasmanyfiresasyesterday, buttherearestillenoughthingsgoingwrongtokeepmebusyandmostlynotthinkingaboutJaggerSaintDiazandhisamazing cock.

Mostly

It’shardnottowhenmylegsstillfeellikejellyandmyclitissomehowstillhypersensitive.Everytimemyjeansrubme wrong,IfeeltheurgetojumpthefirstguyIsee andwiththechoicesI’vegothere,that’sbadnews.

Ireallyneedtogetittogether.

Twodayslater,I’mcrawlingoutofmyskin.Workhasbeeninsane,Andrew’sgoneoffthedeepend,andtotopeverythingoff,I haven’theardawordfromJagger.It’sbeenharderthanhelltokeepmyselffromtextinghim,butthefactthatheisn’ttextingme eitherirritatesthelifeoutofme.It’sgotmestalkinghispageasIlayinbedandtryingtoseeifhe’spostedanythingelseabout mesinceourhookup

It’snotthatIcare.Idon’twanttoeverseehimagain,butitwouldbeniceifhewantedtoseeme.That’sall.Noonelikes tofeelforgettable,especiallywhentheirsituationshiphasalreadycostthem$150,000andagoodamountofdignity

I’lltakethememoryoftellingthatjudgemyexleftmeforafamilymembertomyfuckinggrave.

Hedidthattome.Itwould’venevermatteredifhehadn’tsuedmeforallthemoneyhelostbeinglaidup,allhislost clients,andpainandsuffering.ThatbastardknowsnothingofpainandsufferingandyetJudgeBitchtitsdidn’thesitatetoaward himmorethanhefuckingaskedforjustbecauseshewantedapiece.Isweartogod,Ihatethiscountry.Ihatehowunfairitis. Focus,Rem Theposts

Clickingonthemostrecentone,InearlydropmyphonewhenIseehefilmeditoutsideofmyhouse. “I really need a good post-nut burger now Where should I go?”

ThecommentsarefloodedwithpeoplegivinghimrecommendationsaroundBlackridge,andafairfewpeopleaskinghim ifhefinallygotthegirlhewaslookingfor.CuriositydoesmeinuntilIscrollthrougheverysingleoneandseethathenever respondedtoanyofthem

I’mabouttoputmyphonedownandtrytosleepwhentheassholehimselfmessagesmeonthere.

Jay: Hey, are you still up?

It’sfucking10:49PM.Isheserious?Theaudacityofthismanisotherworldly. Butokay,maybeI’mhappytoseeitjustalittle.

Me: No

Allhehitsmebackwithis“ok,”soIclosetheappandsnuggleintobedfeelingsmug.Hereachedoutfirst.Hebrokethe silence.AndIshuthisassdown.

Goodforme

I’mstillsmilingwhenIwakeuptoasoundinmylivingroomthatsoundsanawfullotlikemymicrowave.Panicking,Ireach formyphoneandtypein9-1-1readytodial,butdon’tdoitquiteyet Ineedtomakesureit’snotsomeweirdelectricalglitch first.

Withmyheartpoundinginmychest,Islowlymakemywayoutofmybedroomandtowardmykitchen,slinkingaroundthe corner.

ThesightofJaggerburninghismouthonaHotPocketis not whatIexpectedtosee.“Areyoufuckinginsane?”Iblurt.

“Whatthefuckareyoudoinghere?AndisthatmylastHotPocket?”

HedropstheentirethingonthefloorwhenIstartlehim,andthenhehastheaudacitytoblamemeforit.“AmI insane? Lookwhatyoudid”Hewaveshishandatthemess “Youknowitwasthelastoneinthere When’sthelasttimeyouwent shopping?”

“Idon’tknow,liketwoweeksago Ididn’tknowIhadtofeedstraydogs”

“Stopcallingmeadog,bro.IwasjustlettingyougetsomesleepbeforeIwentinthere.IthoughtIwasbeingnice.”

“Don’tcallmebro,Jaguar”Okay,thatwaslameandevenIcanadmitit “Pleasetellmeinwhatworldbreakinginto someone’shouseisconsiderednice.”

“Ididn’tbreakin.Nothing’sbroken.”Heshrugs.“Pleasetellmethatdigwassobadbecauseyou’rehalfasleep.You’re gonnahavetostepitupifyou’regonnafuckmeagain”

I’mfullyasleep,clearly.Thisisafeverdream.Ithastobe.There’snowaythisgrownmanisinmykitchenrightnow. “Whohurtyou?”

Jagger’sstupidfacebreaksoutinagrin.“Doesn’tmatter,andyoudon’treallywanttoknow.”HestepsovertheHotPocket andtakesmein “Whatwereyoudreamingabout?”

Glancingattheclock,IhighlydoubtIwasasleeplongenoughtohitREM,butthatdoesn’tmeanIcan’tmesswithhim. “Thehotbailiff.”

“Yeah?”Heliftsmewitheaseandsetsmeonthekitchencountersohecanslotbetweenmylegs “Thatyourtype?”

WhyisitthatI’mafeminist98%ofthetime,andthenamanmanhandlesmefortwosecondsandI’mapuddlewhocan’t stringthoughtstogether?It’sbiologicalbullshit

“Mmhm,”Imumble.“Ilikethemshort,stocky,andcleanshaven.Sucksforyou.”

Hechuckles.“Yeah,poorme,”hemumbles,hisgazerakingmyframeashebeginsstrippingoffmyclothes.“Aren’tyou shortenoughforthebothofus?”

Oh, no. No, no. Rem, quit. Stop. Don’t let him

MyhandfliesbeforeIcanthinktwiceandIslaphimacrosstheface,immediatelyshovingmyshirtbackdown “I’m5’4 I’mnotthatshort.Youcangonow.”

Thegrowlhereleasesdoesn’tsoundasangryasitdoesturnedon “Thatfeelgood?”

“Yes,”Ibreathe.Reallygood.Likeelectricityrunningthroughmyveins.Likegettingactualrevenge.Idoitagain,andthis time,hiseyesflashashereachesouttograbmychinandshoveshishandintothefrontofmypanties.

“Oh,youreallylikeit,huh?Damn,girl.You’resoaked.Goon,Icantakeit.”

Hepinchesmyclit,draggingagaspfrommeasIslaphisothercheekandpushhimback.“Fuckoff.Youthinkyou’vegot unlimitedaccesstomenow?Thatyoucanbreakinandjustfuckmewheneveryouwant?”

“Noshit,isn’tthatthepointofhatesex?”Hefrowns,lookingatmelikeI’mtheridiculousonehere.“WouldyoupreferI takeyouonalameassdatefirst?”

“Oh,don’tmakemethrowupalloveryou.I’dratherhurlmyselfintoapitofstarvingratsthangoonadatewithyou.I’m justsurprisedyou’rewillingtoadmityoudon’thaveanybetteroptionsthanme,that’sall.”

“Ididn’tclaimto”UnsureifI’mgoingtoslaphimagain,hemovesbackinafterpressingdownonhisbulge “Gonnashut upnow?”

Thisguy “No Ifyouwantmetoshutup,Isuggestbringingagagnexttime”Silencestretchesaswebothregisterthefact thatIsaid‘nexttime’butIdon’tlethimlingerthere.“Ialsosuggestmaybewearingacondom.Ihadtoburnmysheets.”

“Fuck,really?ThatwasthemainreasonIcameback,though”

Hesmirksatmelikehe’sjokingeventhoughwebothknowhe’snot.ItmakessomuchsenseIfeellike I gotslappedinthe face he’sherebecauseIlethimgowithoutarubber.That’sall.

Ireallyneededthaticebath

“Whatever,”Imumble,hoppingoffthecounterandflippingthekitchenlightoffasIwalktomyroom.“Cleanupthedamn messyoumadefirstorI’mnotlettingyouanywherenearme”

“Ithinkyoumeanthemess you madewhenyouranoutherescreaming,butfine.Igotit,becausemymamaraiseda gentleman”

Iglancebacktoseehimtuggingonmypapertowels,soItakejustasecondtowatchhimfromtheshadows.Evennow,he’s stillunbelievably,cruellyattractive.Hecan’tcleanforshit,buthelooksso...naturalinmykitchenthatitkindoffreaksmeout.

Ican’tgetusedtohavinghimhere Ican’tgetusedtowantinghim.

Asamatteroffact,Ishouldn’tlethimhavemenow,nomatterhowwetIam Slammingmybedroomdoorshut,Itakeseveralstepsbackwardandhopehetakesthehinttoleaveasmyhearthammersin mychest.

Butnothinghasevercomethateasilyforme.Afewmomentslaterhewalksintomyroomwiththedumbestsmirkonhis face,completelynakedwithmyafghanblockinghisjunk.“Isthistheblanketyoumeantlasttime?Theoneyouwantedmeto

jizzon?”

“Mygrandmotherknittedthatforme,youperv.Getyourdickoffofit.”OrIboughtitfromthedollarstoreforlikefive dollars,butwhatever

“What?”hebalks,droppingitcompletelywithhishandsraisedlikeitburnedhim,butseeinghimlookhorrifiedwitha bonerhastobethebestthingI’veseenallweek Ican’tkeepthelaughtersilent.“I’mkidding.”

Hisarmsdroprightalongwithhisexpression,andthenheslowlybeginswalkingtowardme “Thatwasn’tfunny Youthink you’refunny,buteveryoneistooscaredofyoutotellyouthatyouaren’t.Butguesswhat,RemingtonReese?I’mnotscaredof you.”

“Ithoughtitwasfunny Unlikeyouusingmymiddlename,whichisweirdandlame,sostopit,”Iquip Thewayitmademy stomachswoopisn’tfair.“ButI’mnotafraidofyoueither,JaggerSaint.Youthinkyouintimidatepeoplebecauseyou’retall andbuiltlikeabrickwallhadababywithsolidmarble,butIseeyouandexactlyhowfragileyouare”

Thatgrinfaltersforonlyasecond.“Thatso?AndhowfragiledoyouthinkIam?”

“FragileenoughthatyoualmostcrumbledwhenyouthoughtIwasn’tgonnaletyougetofflasttime,”Isay,realizingI’mnot done.Hewantsthis?Fine.“Fragileenoughthatyou’rehere,seekingmeofallpeoplebecauseyoucan’thandlethethoughtof actuallyconnectingwithsomeone.Youknowyou’resafeherebecauseyou’vealreadytakeneverythingfromme,sohowcould Ieverfallinlovewithyou?”

Jaggerrollshiseyes,butIcanseeIhitanerve.“Andyou’relettingmeforthesamereason.”Hegrabsmylegsandtugsme totheedgesohecanripmypantiesoffwithease “You’rewetfor me ofallpeople,becauseyouknowyou’llneverget attachedandit’snotpossibleformetohurtyoumore.Youwereright,wedon’tneedtotalkforthistowork.Doesyourmouth doanythingelse?”

“Yeah,”Isnap.“Ibite.”

“Fuckingdoitthen.”

Hismouthcrashestomineagain,onlythistimehehisteethpinchthefuckoutofmybottomlipashemovesbetweenmy legs.

Screwit He’sright,we’rebothsafehere There’szerochancethisbecomesanythingmorethanhatesex,soIkisshim againandletitworkitswaythroughmyentirebody.

Thewayhekissesonlymakesmehatehimamilliontimesmore.Theyhavenorighttobesoconsuming,andthewaymy bodyopensforhimshouldbefuckingcriminal.Thatinfuriatingcockeasesitswayinsidemelikeitbelongsthereasmyhand findshisneck.“Don’tbeabitch.FuckmelikeIhityouwithmycar.”

“Suchagoodgirlwhenyouadmityourfaults,”heteases,hipssnappinghardlikehewantstopunishmeforit “Howabout youshutupandtakeitlikeyoutookthatlossincourt?”

Ouch Jesus,he’snotpullinganypunches “That’sokay Bothofmypinkiesstillwork Iknowthatmustbehardforyou” Hebreathesalaughandcontinuesfuckingme,eyesburningaholethroughmelikehe’stryingtoseewhat’sunderthe surface.“Don’tneedmypinkytofuckyou.Ijustneedmydick.”

“Isthatwhatyou’reusing?Icouldn’ttellthedifference”It’smyturntobitehislip,suckingitbetweenmyteethasIclench mypussytokeephimfrompullingout.Ineedmoreofhim,allofhim,butIalsoneedhimtoshutthehellup.

WhetherthebitedoesitortheclenchI’mnotsure,buthispainedhissmorphsintoamoanandhefinallygivesmewhatI need.Heshutsup,droppinghisheadintomynecksohecanholdmyasswithbothhandsandfucktheholyhelloutofme.

It’ssogood,Idon’tevenrealizehe’smarkingupmyneckuntilthedamageisdone,butIcan’tbringmyselftocareright now.I’mtooclosetoanorgasmtoyellathim.“Fuck,”Iwhisper.“Justlikethat,baby.You’regonnamakemecome.”

Hisdarkchucklealmostpullsmeoutofit,butforonce,aguyactuallylistenstoawomanwhentheytellhimnottochangea thing Hisabilitytofollowdirectionspaysoff

MynailsdigintothebackofhisneckasIletthatfirstoneconsumeme,butthesecondI’mdone,Ismackhisshoulder.“The fuckwassofunny?”

“Youcalledmebaby.”

Jaggersitsuptoputbothofmyanklesonhisshoulders,thenreachesdowntoflickmyclitlikehedidn’talreadysenda shockwavethroughme.Ididsaythat,butit’snotlikeImeantit.“Shutup,”Ihiss.“Everytimeyouopenyourmouth,anangel getschlamydia.”

Itmakesanerdylaughbubbleoutofhimsoabruptlyhestopsmoving,butI’mgladwhenherecoversquickly “You’renot supposedtosaytheC-Hwordwhenyou’rehavingsex.It’sjustbadmanners.”

Withasmirk,heleansintobendmeinhalf,hishipssnappingharderandfasteruntilI’mwhite-knucklingthesheetsjust tryingtoholdon.Theurgetokisshimagainmakesmeturnmyheadtotheside.Icanfeelthisorgasmbuildingquicker,more powerfully.Shit.Iwon’tgivehimthesatisfactionofmakingmesquirt,Iswear.

Buttheguyseemstoalreadyhaveareadonmybody,becausehe’sdoingalltherightmovesatalltherighttimes.“Giveit tome,Rems.Letgo.”

I’veneverdoneitwithapartner.It’salwayshappenedwhenIwasbymyself,workinguptoitforsolong,italmostdidn’t feelworththemessattheend.AndnowthismanwithhisscruffandhisstupidtattoosandmusclescomesinandthinksI’m gonnaletgofor him?

Notachance.

“No Youletgo,”Icounter,clenchinghardtomakehimgroan “Giveittome,Jagger Makeamessofmeagain” “Goddamnit,stop.”

Butthere’snoconvictioninhistone HisjawissotenseIknowhe’sclosetoblowinghisloadmuchsoonerthanhewants to,anditfeelslikeadrugforme.Ruininghimlikethis.“Comeon,baby.Please?”Ibeg,eyeswideasIgriphischintomake himlookatme.“Mypussyhasbeensoemptywithoutyou.Comeinsideme.”

“Fuck!”hegrowls,thrustingharderwhenherealizeshe’slostthisfight,andwhenhecomes,hemakesnomovetopullout thistime.Insteadheburieshimselfasdeepashecango,makingmewonderifhe’s everhadanyonehecouldletgowith before Whatadangerousthingtowonder.

ChapterSix:

Remi

Thefinaldressrehearsalfor Sweeney Todd goesbetterthanIcould’vehoped It’sliketheuniverseknewthatonewrongmove wouldsendmespiralingoffthedeepend,soitsentAndrewtoTheCedricwithallofhiswitsabouthimforonce.Truly,his performancewasstunning,andIcanonlyhopehecarriesthatenergyintonextweek.

Ihavetwogloriousdaysofpeacenowuntilthelongestsixdaysofmylife Or,atleastIthinkIdo,butMilaisstandingon myfrontporchtappingherfootwhenIpullintothedriveway.Shelooksangry,whichtobefair,isn’taforeignlookonher soIapproachwithcaution,likeyouwouldifyouweretryingtocornerascaredcatormaybetrapahoneybadger “What’s up?”Iaskcasually.“Whoareweburyingtoday?”

“You!”shesnaps “Whodiedandtoldyouthatyoudidn’thavetoanswermyphonecallsanymore?”

ChucklingasIopenthedoor,Igestureforhertocomein.“Sorry.It’sHellWeekandyouknowhowthatgoesforme.I haven’tturnedmyphoneontoday.”BecauseIwashopingtoavoidmyincreasinglyconflictingfeelingsaboutJaggerSaint Diaz,butIdon’twanttoadmitthat “Seriously,though What’sgoingon?”

She’ssilentlongenoughthatIturnaroundtoseeifsheleft,findingherinthekitchenwithherjawonthefloor.Irealizea secondtoolatethatInevererasedJagger’snewestlovenote

Thanks again, Remifer.

At least all the cum got in one place this time :) Fuckmesideways.“That’snotwhatitlookslike,”Ilie.

“No?”shespinswithanaccusatoryexpression.“Where did allthecumgetthis time,Remi?” I’mgoingtomurderhimoneday Ialreadytriedonce,IguessI’llhavetostepmygameup “It’sunimportant Doyouwant aglassofwine?”

“Yes,Iwantwine ButIalsowantdetails”Sheglancesbackatthenoteandchuckles “Okay,maybenotallthedetails I probablydon’twanttoknowwhereelsehiscumis,butIwanttoknowwho he is.”

“Honestly,I’drathertellyouaboutthecum,”Imutter,buyingmyselftimeasIpouruseachagenerousglass.“Butyou’ll probablyfindouteventually,soImightaswelljusttellyou.It’sJagger.”

HerfacewouldbecomicalifIdidn’twishIhadarocktohideunder.Herjawfallsopen,eyeswideandfilledwith amusement,butthere’salsoexcitementinthere “Shutup!Youdidn’t!How?When?Howwasit?Ilied Iwanteverydetail”

Well,ifthere’sanyoneintheworldI’dtellallmyshamefulsecretsto,it’sMila.“Itriedmessaginghimtotellhimtofuck off,butIhadabaddayatwork Suddenlygettingrailedbysomeonewhohatedmeenoughtoberoughsoundedlikeagood idea.”Ipause,thendecidetoletitallout.“Itriedtokickhimoutaftermyfirstorgasm.Hewouldn’tleave.”

“Wouldn’tleave?”Herfacechangesslightly.“Likerefused?”

notquite

“Itwasmorelikehemadeaveryconvincingargumenttostayandthenturnedmeintoasloppylittlemessjustforfun.” Sherelaxesslightlyandfinallygoesforthatglassofwine “So,wasithowyouthoughtitwouldbe?”

“No,”Iadmitwithasigh.“Itwasbetter.Waybetter.Somuchbetter,infact,thatwhenhebrokeintomyhouseand subsequentlymadeandthendroppedmylastHotPocket,Istilllethimsmash”

“Youhearhowinsaneallofthatjustsoundedcomingoutofyourmouth,right?”Shelaughs.“I’llstartwiththeHotPocket. Whatadick.Youdon’teatthelastanything insomeone’shouseandyoudamnsuredon’tdropit.Butnowwegettothesex no,nowyoutellmethis how’shispinky?”

Snorting,ItakeabiggerdrinkthanIprobablyshould.“Heremindedmehedidn’tneedhispinkytofuckme,andthen provedit So yeah”

“God,whatatool.Sowhat’swiththecumthing?Didhejizzbucketsorsomething?”

AsquicklyandsuccinctlyasIcan,IrecaphowinsanelymessyIwasafterthefirsttime,andhowItrappedhisassthe second.MycheeksflushredwiththememoryofhowbadlyIwantedit.MaybeI’llblameitonthewine.“Ihaven’theardfrom himsince,though.”

“Youhaven’t?”Ilovetheoutrageonherface,itmakesmefeellessalone “Haveyoucheckedtodaythough?” Goodquestion.“No,butitwon’tmatter.It’sjusthatesex.Wehadawholediscussionaboutit,”Isayquietly.“I’mokay withthisbecausehecan’tpossiblyhurtmemorethanhealreadyhas,andhe’sokaywithitbecauseheknowsthere’snoworld inwhichIeverdevelopfeelingsforhim.Sohegetshisdickwetwithoutworryingaboutmebeingsomecrazyjealousbitch, andIgetoffwithoutworryingaboutendingupwithabrokenheart.”

ThatfeelingIjusthadisgonewhenhereyesbecomeovertakenwithpity.Shetriestohideitbehindherglass,butIsawit. “Howsureareyouthatyouwon’tcatchfeelings,though?Especiallyknowinghe’semotionallyunavailable?”

IgivemyselfsometimetoreallythinkaboutitbeforeIanswer.Hemakesmelaughsometimes,andhe’stheonlyman who’severbeenabletokeepupwithmyattitude.Andyet...“Somethingssimplycan’tbeundone,Mila.Therearen’tenough orgasmsintheworldtoforgethowhardhepunishedmeforasinglemistakethatI’dgiveanythingtotakeback Toforgetthe wayhelookedatmeincourtlikeIwasdogshithesteppedoninthepark.Toforgettheonlyreasonhe’sfuckingmenowis becauseheknowshecan”

“Wellthen,fuckhim.Stringhimalonguntilyougetyourfillandkickhimtothecurb.Youknowwhatwouldbegreat?”Her eyessparkle “Gethimtofallinlovewithyouandthenfuckingdumphim”

“Okay,thisisn’tJohn Tucker Must Die. Andifitwas,webothknowthatplanbackfiredlikeamotherfuckeroneveryone involved,sono.IthinkI’mjustgonnaletitfizzleout.”Grabbingmyphone,IwaitforittoturnonasIavoidhergaze.“I’ll provehedidn’tmessagemeandthenwecanallmove ”

Themomentmyphonegetsitsshittogether,Igetthreenotificationsfromthedumbassinquestion.Shit.Glancingatthetime stamps,theystartedinthemorningandthemostrecentonewasabouttwohoursago

Jay: How’d you like my note, Rem?

Jay: I’d send you a picture but I don’t have any way to contact you outside of TikTok. We should change that.

Jay: Are you ghosting me? Tell me to fuck off or something. MaybeIshouldghosthim

“Youhaveamessage;don’tyou?”She’sgrinning,butIseenothingfunnyhere. “Don’tworryaboutwhatI’vegot.It’sjustspam.Drinkyourwineandhush.”

“Spam?Isthatthemeatwe’regoingwithhere?”

Gagging,Ithrowapillowatherandthenflipheroffforgoodmeasure.“Thatwasthegrossestthingyou’veeversaidto me Ifsexualitywereachoice,you’dhavejustmademealesbian”

Shegiggleslikeamaniacjusttoannoymefurther.“There’sjustroastbeefonthatside.”

“Ithinkthat’senoughwineforyou Canwenot?”Igrumble,butmystupidphonebuzzesagainbeforeIcangetupandbeat herass.

Jay: Caught your ass online!Now if you ignore me while we ’ re both active you’ll get secondhand embarrassment. Respond, you know you want to Iquit.

Me: Go away.

Jay: I’m at home Where should I go?

Me: I’d say Hell, but that’s where I live Goodbye

Andthen,insomeabsolutebreakfromreality,Isendthelittleshitmyphonenumber.

“Pleasereadmeeverymessagethatwasjustsent.IpromiseIwon’tbegrossanymore.”

BeforeIcansayanythingatall,JaggerfuckingDiazFaceTimesme.

Idon’treactfastenoughtostopMilafromleapingacrossthecouchandswipingmyphonetoanswerit.“Hello?”shesays quickly “Fuck,you’rehot Hi”

Ughhelookssosmugrightnow,Iwanttoslaphimthroughthephone.“Hellohitoyou.You’renotmyRemifer.” Milalaughsharderthanwarranted She’satraitor,butnotasmuchofatraitorasmyownstomach Didithavetofucking twistlikethatwhenhesaid my Remifer?

“That’snotmyname,dumbass,”Imutter,sinkingbackintothecouch.“It’sRemington.” Wavingmeoff,Milabitesherlip “SoIheardyou’rejustusingmybestfriendforherbody That’srude” “Iliketothinkofitasamutualusing,”heargues.“Itdoesn’tfeelrudewhenI’minsideofher.Doesit,Rem?” It’sstartingto,andIdon’tknowwhy “Sorry,Ihavetofocustoohardonactuallyfeelingyourcocktonoticeanythingelse It’snoteasy.”

Jaggerlaughs,onlyheisn’ttheonlyguythatlaughsontheotherendofthephone He’snotalone “Soundslikeyouneeda reminder.”

Great.Heprobablytoldhisstupidlittlefriendallabout...nope.No.Idon’tcare.Thisisforme.It’sfine.“Ineedyoutogo away,butyoudon’tseemtowanttodothat Ihavetomakealoanpaymenttomorrowsohonestly,you’rethelastpersononthe planetIwanttohearfromrightnow.”

“Idon’tbelieveyou,”heargues “Itwasnicetomeetyou,Mila Buttellthatwomantogetonthephoneandsayitwithher chest.”

WiththebiggestsurgeoffalsebravadoI’veeverfelt,Isnatchthephonefromherandglareathim “Don’tyouhaveanyone elsetobother?”

Wow,thatis not whatImeanttosay.Imeanttosayfuckoff,godie,nevercontactmeagain.Whatthehell? Heshrugs,deepbrowneyesscanningmyfacelikehehasn’tseenmeinweeks Hiseyeslooklightertoday,droopieras well...ishedrunk?“Youlookangryasusual.Youbiteanyanklestoday?”

“Iwasjustfineuntilyoucalled I’msensingapatternhereandthecommondenominatorisyou,”Iquip “Whyareyou

drunkdialingme,anyway?”

Heshrugs.“IwasjusthangingoutwithRhodesandhechallengedmetoquarters.WhichIfuckingsuckat,andit’snot somethingyoushouldplaywithjusttwopeopleanyway,becausenowI’mfuckedupandhe’sfuckedup,andwhatwasyour question?”

“Iaskedwhyyou’rebotheringmewhenyoucouldbebotheringanyotherwomaninthewholewideworld”

“Idon’tbotherotherwomen,sothey’renofun.Tellmeyouhatemeagain.”

Hedropshischinontohishandtostareintothephonedreamily,makingmewrinklemynosewithalltheconfusionand milddisgustthatmerits.Hehasnorighttobecute.Ever.

“Idohateyou.Mybankaccounthatesyou,mysoulhatesyou.”

“Makingmehard,baby Wehaveguests”

IcanhearhisfriendlaughasclearlyasIcanhearMilanexttome.“Jay,yougotproblems,”hechuckles,andIhaveto admit,Iagree

It’salsotimetoputanendtothistonight.“Havefunjackingoffinyourownhandtonight,dickhead.Bye.”

Ihangupbeforehecanrespondandsavehisnumber,thenturnoffmyphoneforsomepeaceandquiet Mila’slookingatme likeshewantsmetoknowmylifewillneverbepeacefulorquietagain,butwhatcanIdo?

Oneproblematatime.

Remi

“Haveyoubeenherebefore?”IaskMila,steppingthroughthedoortoHarvey’s Asbarsgo,it’scute Quaintalmost,and clean.“WhyhaveIneverbeenherebefore?”

“Ihaven’tbutJordansaiditwasnicehere,soIfiguredweshouldtryit.Jordanisthequeenofdivebars,soIwasn’tsure whattoexpect Arewedrinkinghardtonight?”

“I’mthinkingI’llneedtodownacouplebottlestoaccomplishwhatIcameherefor,soyeah,”Imumble.“Realhard.” “Ohyeah?”sheasks,slidingontoastoolwhileside-eyingme “Andwhatareweheretoaccomplish,Remi?” ForgettingthatJaggerexists.Forgettingthewayhemakesmefeel,boththegoodandthebad.

“We’reinthemiddleofashowweek,soit’sstressful,”Ifib “How’sworkbeenforyou?”

Milasighs,orderingusbothawhiskeysourwithoutblinking.Honestly,thatanswersmebetterthananythingshe’saboutto saynow.“Beengreat,”shedeadpans.“Idefinitelythoughtbeinganaestheticianwouldbemorefun,butpeoplearejustbitches, Iswear”

“Ugh,Ibet.You’resogoodatit,too.Haveyouthoughtaboutopeningyourownplaceinsteadofworkingforsomeone else?”Iask “It’sbeenawhilesincewe’vetalkedaboutit”

“Ilookedataplaceforfiveseconds,butitwasrightnexttothatfuckboygym,andthosearenottheclientsIneed.Thespot islikeprimelocationthough,andthere’sanewfrozenyogurtplaceopeningtheretoo.Bitcheslovefroyo...I’mbitches.”

RightnexttoJagger’sgym,I’mguessing.Christ,I’mnevergonnabeabletogetawayfromhim.“Screwit.Ifit’sagood spot,Isaygoforit.”

Sheshrugs,takingasipofherdrinkasshelooksaroundthebar “Speakingoffuckboys We’vecaughtsomeattention Shouldwehavefunortellthemtofuckoffthesecondtheytry?”

Ifollowhergazetoacoupleofdecentlookingguyssittingatatablebehindus Sureenough,they’rebothstaringwith sidewayslittlesmirks.MyguttellsmetoleavethembeandjuststickwithMilatonight,butthethoughtoflettingJagger consumemythoughtsforanothernighthasmenodding.“Isaylet’shavesomefun.Whichonedoyouwant?”

“Theonewithdimples.YouknowI’mafuckingsuckerforsomedimpleseventhoughit’sneverworkedoutinmyfavor. WhatlevelofFuckJaggerarewetonight?”

“Allthelevels,”Isayquickly,grinningasthetwoseemtoreadourbodylanguageenoughtocomeover

DimplesintroduceshimselfasAustin,andhissmooth-cheekedfriendstepsupnexttomeashetellsmehisnameisIan. “Remi,”Ioffer,spinningonthebarstooltofacehimalittlebetter “Comehereoften?”

“Greatline,”heteases,hardlygivingMilaanyattentionwhenshesayshername,butherattentionisonAustinanyway. “It’sprobablytheonlybarIgoto.Therestofthemarefilledwithloudcollegekids.Haven’tseenyouhere,though.”

“Wedon’tgetoutmuch,”Ifakepout,tuckingmybottomlipbetweenmyteethasIcheckhimout He’slikewhitebread comparedtoJagger,butmaybethat’sagoodthing.Maybehe’severythingJaggerisn’t.“Imight’vecomesoonerifIknewwhat theclientelewaslike”

“Yeah?”Thatperkshimupsomuchyou’dthinkhe’snevergottenacompliment.“Gladyouchosetonightatleast.”

Thegiant,beardedbartendersnortsbeforewalkingawaytohelpsomeoneelse,soItakeasecondtostudyIan’snarrow shouldersandkindeyes.Yeah,he’sthecompleteoppositeofJagger.Ifeellikehe’sprobablysoftinbed,whichsucks,but maybeit’swhatIneed.“Soyou’resingle?”Iask.

“Yeah,Ihavebeenforawhilenow Youaretoo,right?”Helooksmeupanddownlikehecan’tbelieveit “Noone’sgoing toruninhereandkickmyass,right?”

“Doubtful,”Ilaugh “ButIcan’tcompletelyruleitout Isthatadealbreaker?”

TheaudiblegulpIhearsaysitis,butheshakeshisheadnolikehe’sputtingonabraveface.“GoodthingIcanholdmy own”

Again,doubtful,butIkeepthisonetomyself.“You’llbefine.Justrelaxandtellmealittleaboutyourself.” Heboresmeforthenexttwentyminutesaboutstocks,butIplaymypartwell.WellenoughthatbythetimeMilaisonthe dancefloorwithAustin,hehashishandonmylowerbackaswestandnearthem

“You’veletmetalkallday,beautiful Your turn.”

“Remington”

Iknowthatvoice,anditisn’toneIwantedtoheartoday oratallforthatmatter,buthe’sstandingrightbehindme. Shit.“Ian,givemeamoment,”Isaygently,thenturnaroundandglareatJagger.“Sorry,doIknowyou?”

“Ohshit,whendidyoustartstand-upcomedy?”hegrumbles,eyeslockedonIaninawaythatmakeshimstepback.“Who thefuckareyou?”

“Ian.”

That’sit.That’sallthemansays.

“Thatnamedoesn’tmeanshittome Walkaway”

“Jay,”atall,scruffyguycallsbehindhim,butIbarelysparehimasecondglance.“Weshouldjustgo.”

“Justwait,Shawn Whatisthis,Rem?Youonadate?”

IsthatjealousyIhear?Andifitis,whydoIwantmoreofit?“Ijusttoldmyfriendherethatnoonewasgoingtocome barginginheretokickhisass Don’tmakemealiar,”Imutter “Justgoaboutyournight,Jagger Getonyourshinylittle bicycleandridethefuckawayfromme.”

“Shinyli ”Hechokesonhiswordsasoutragetakesoverhisfacesoabruptlyhehastotakeasecondtospeakagain. “Bicycle?See,that’swhereallofthisshitstarted,Remington Youdon’trespectmotorcycles”

“Shedoesn’twantyouhere,man.”Ian’svoiceislow,butnotlowenough.

“Didn’tItellyoutowalkthefuckaway!”

“Whoa,”Mila’svoicecutsin.“What’sgoingon?”

ItakeadeepbreathasImovebetweenIanandJagger “Firstofall,Irespectmotorcyclesandbikers Ijustdon’trespect you,sogetitstraight.Secondofall,Ian’sright.Idon’twantyouhere,andIwashavinganicetimebeforeyoushowedup.So justgetadrinkandenjoyyournightsomewhereawayfromme,yeah?”

“No,”hegrowls,steppinginevencloser “You’regonnastandhereandactlikewearen’tfucking,really?” “Okay,”Iansayscalmly.“Remi,itwasnicetomeetyou,butIthinkI’mgonnago.Thisisn’twhatIhadinmind.”

“Wait”Iturntohimquickly,butwhatamIsupposedtosay?It’strue I’vebeenlettingJaggerfuckme IropedIanin knowingIwasn’tcompletelysinglenomatterwhatItellmyselfatnight,andthisiswhathappens.Soinsteadoftryingtoget himtostay,Iwhisper,“I’msorry.Youreallydoseemlikeaniceguy,”thenwatchhimwalkawayasMilatouchesmyarm. “Let’sjustgo,Remi.”

JaggerstepsintoblockMilafromviewsoIhavetomeethiseyes.“Stay.”

“Forwhat?”Iask “Sowecanfightsomemore?Soyoucancontinuefuckingmylifeup?”

Helooksaroundattheattentionwehaveandlowershisvoice.“Sowecanjusthaveadamndrink.”

“Idon’twanttodrinkwithyou,”Iwhisper-yell “WhywouldIwanttodothat?” “Fuck,fine.”Hisjawflexes.“I’llseeyoulatertonightthen.”

There’snothingbutsinfulpromiseinhiseyesashecagesmeagainstthebarjustlongenoughtobreatheinthescentofmy perfume.Ishouldsayno,Iknowthat,butgodthelustthatworksitswaythroughmehasamindofitsown.“Mmhm,”Isqueak out.“Later.”

“Gohome”

HesaysitlowenoughthatI’mtheonlyonewhocanhearhim,givingmyhiponelastsqueezebeforehepullsawayand headsforthedoor,leavingmeinapuddle

Thisisgoingtobeamistake,andyet...yeah.I’mgonnadoitanyway.

Remi

Twohourslater,I’mhomeandinbedalone.Thenerveofthatfuckingguytomakemeleavethebarjusttoghostme,Iswear. I’vebeentossingandturningforevernowwaitingforhim,andnothing.

Notagoddamn

There.Sittingupalittle,IthinkIhearthebackwindowslidingopenjustlikeIhopeditwould.I’mstillmadenoughthatI couldkillhim,butinsteadofimmediatelyengaging,Ilaybackdownandpretendtobeasleep

Ijustwanttoseewhathe’lldoifhethinksIwasn’twaitingupforhim.

MyheartbeatpicksupasIhearhimtwistmydoorknob,andIhavetofightasmilewhenIhearhimsigh

Mebeingasleepdoesn’tdeterhimforlongthough.Afteraminuteofhimstaringatmysleepingform,hetentativelymoves closer.

Theurgetothroatpunchhimisstrong,butIdon’tmove

Withmyeyesclosed,myothersensesareheightened,andIcanheartheslowrufflesofhimstrippingoffhisclothes. Come on, Jagger Touch me Show me that you’d rather come here to have me like this than go fuck a girl who actually likes you

Bigthoughtsforagirlwhosewholebodytinglesthemomenthestartsslidingtheblanketback.It’snotjustthecoolair washingovermynakedskinfromthefan,it’stheanticipation Thelust Theswirlofhatredandsomethingelse,something strangerthanthat,burrowingdeep.

“Fuck,”hewhispers,hishandghostingitswayupmythigh.“Sobeautifullikethis...silent.” Yeah,okay

Ismackhisarmwithascoff.“God,you’readick.Don’ttouchme.”

Jaggerlaughs,droppingdowntolayontopofmesoIcan’tshovehimoff “Wereyouwaitingforme?” “No,”Igruntout,thendeflatealittleashislipsbrushmyshoulder.“Yes.”

“Good.Tookforevertosoberupenoughtoride.Beenfuckingdyingforthispussy.”Withroughbitesandkisses,hestarts makinghiswaydownmynecktomychest,makingmynipplespeakunderhislips.

“Itlookedlikeyouwerereadytokillforthispussytonight,”Iremindhim.“Wereyoujealous,Jagger?”

“WhatifIwas?”Hisfingersdipinsidemeashepinchesmynipplewithhisteeth “Icomeinsidethispussy” Fuck,it’shardtothinkwhenhe’stouchingme.“S-Sowhat?”Istutterout.“Iwon’tbeyourslikethisforever.”

“Rememberhowyouwerejustsoquiet?”

Iwanttoslaphim,butthewaythosedamnfingersmoveslaysme.Grippingthesheets,Iclosemyeyesandspreadmylegs further.“Itoldyoutobringagagifyoudidn’twantmetotalk.Thisiswhatyoucameherefor,right?Formetoremindyouthat allwearetoeachotherarebodies?”

Jaggerdropsdowntobitethehelloutofmypussy,butheimmediatelystartssuckingmyclitlikehe’sbeendyingforataste ofme

Likehe’sasaddictedtomeasIseemtobetohim.

Ithitsmeatallonceasheslideshisarmundermythightogripmyhip He’snottheoneobsessedhere,Iam I’llneverstop lettinghimtouchme.Notwhenitfeelsthisdamngood.

“Jagger,”Iwhisper,threadingmyfingersinhishair.“I ”

Probablyhaveaninsultforhimsomewhere,butitwon’tcome

Hecurlsthosefingersjustrighttomakemegasp,butwithhisgrip,Ican’tsquirmaway.He’sgoingtomakemecome,and he’sjustfuckingstarted “Oh,god.”

It’sallIcangetoutashedragsthefirstorgasmfrommeandlicksmethroughit

Thesmirkonhisfacemakesmewanttoslaphim,butIlosethatfeelingjustalittlewhenhespitsonmypussyandstarts fingeringitinside.“Yougotmoreforme,Rems?”

Jesus “Maybe Rollover Buryyourselfinmythroat”

HeflopsontohisbackandpullsmeupsoIcanstraddlehisface.“Showmeyoucanhandleit.”

Oh,hell He’ssomuchtallerthanmethattheangleisgoingtobehard,butIstretchoutandsuckhiminjustasheslipshis tongueinsidemetocleanupthemessIalreadymade.Itbecomessomethingofacompetitionforme toshowhimthatnoone willevermakehimfeelasgoodasIwillwhetherhelovesthemorhatesthem soIdon’thesitatetochokemyselfonhis cockandkeeppushingformore.

Itfeelslikeanaccomplishmentwhenhestartsmoaninglouderthanme.Hishipsmovelikehe’sdesperatetostayburiedin mythroatandhistongueneverstopsitsassaultonmyclit,makingmetwitchandgagasIdeepthroathim

“Fuck,”hegroans,nailsdiggingintomyskinhardenoughtoleavemarks.“Comeallovermyface,girl.Fuckingdrown me”

Hiscockpulseswithhiswords,stretchingmythroatasIgrinddownonhisfaceandgivehimwhathewants. God,itfeelsgoodasIdrooldownhisshaftandrubmypussyalloverhisface.Thisiswhathe’sgoodfor.Whatwe ’ re goodfor Nothingelse “Tastesofuckinggood.”

Withthewayhe’seatingmypussyIbelievehim,andthatfirsttasteofhimasheleaksintomymouthmakesmeferal Iwant itlikethis.Iliftoffhisfacesohehasnothingtofocusonbuthowgooditfeelstobeslidingdeeperinmythroat,shovinghimto theedgewhetherhewantsitornot,andwhenIcanfeelhimstopbreathingentirelyIknowIwon

Thatthickcockthrobswithhisrelease,pumpingmythroatfullofhiscumashegrowlsmynamelikehe’smadatme. Perfect.

Iswallowitalldownandpulloffslowly,rollingmytonguetomakesurehe’sniceandcleanbeforefinallylettinghimgo Myheartisbeatingtoofastformetomoveyet,soIstayrightwhereI’matandwigglemyassinhisface.“Don’tbemad.It happenstoeveryoneonceinawhile,”Itease

“Fuckoff,”hebreathes,slappingmyasswithapop,butit’snothardenoughtoprovehemeansit.Hefeelstoodamngood toreallybeangry “Ijustneedaminute I’mnotdonewithyou”

Chuckling,Isquirmofftositnexttohimandadmirehisbody.He’ssweatyandsated,relaxedandsomehowtautallatonce withthethickmusclesandhardlinessplayingoutbeforeme.Hereallyisaworkofart,andforabrief,fleetingsecond,I mournthewaywemet WouldthishavebeendifferentifI’dhavemethimonanyothernight,inanyotherway?WouldIlookat himwithswooninglittlebutterfliesandgrowingloveinsteadofregretandasenseof‘neverlethimgettheupperhand?’ Idon’tknow,notforsure,butit’spossible Maybeevenprobable

“Whenwillyoubedonewithme?”Iask.“Howmuchhatesexisenoughforyoutobesatisfied?”

Heturnshisgazeonme,staringforsolongIdon’tthinkhe’sgoingtoansweratall,butforasecondIallowmyselfto believehe’slookingatmeunderthesamelightI’mlookingathimtonight.“Idon’tknow.Areyoufeelingdonewithme?”

No.Notbyalongshot.Iwanthimtogothefuckaway,butjustthinkingaboutitmakesmychesttightenandmymindrage. “Idon’tknow,”Isayback “Itfeelslikewe’reheadingtowardanotherkindofcollision” “Maybe,”heagrees,browneyesstillscanningmyface.“Collisionsseemtobeourthing.” Iclearlycan’taffordanotheroneifthefirstisanyindication,butIalsocan’tseemtolookaway “That’snotagoodthing, Jay.Youknowthat,right?It’snothealthy.”

Hisbrowsfurrow,it’stheonlyindicationthathe’sfeelinganythingatallaboutit.“Andwhatwouldyouconsiderhealthy forus?”

“Nothingaboutushaseverbeenhealthy,”Ipointout.“That’swhatI’msaying.It’sjustdisasterafterdisaster.”

“Tellmeitdoesn’tfeelgoodandI’llleave”Jaggersitsuptomoveincloser “Tellmeyoudon’tcraveitwhenwe’renot righthere.”

Hishandfindsmyhip,andthethingsthatdoestome no Thiscan’thappen Wecan’thappen “Itonlyfeelsgoodfora moment,”Iadmitbreathlessly.“Andthenitsucks.”

“Thisyourwayofsayingyouwantmetostay?”

Hislipsfindmyneck,nearlycrumblingmyresolve Yes, Ithinkdesperately Stay, stay, stay Butit’s“no”thatspillsfrommylips.Andnottheteasing,goadingnoInormallygivehim butaquiet,almostsadlittle soundthatdoesn’tleaveroomforinterpretation “Gohome,Jagger Findsomeoneyoucareabout Webothknowit’snotme” Ipushoffthebedandheadformybathroom,lockingthedoorandthrowingmyselfintheshowerbeforehecangetaword in WhenIcomeout,he’sgone...andmaybethat’sforthebest. Maybeit’sacollisionavoided.

ChapterNine: SomeCallItPowersOfTheMind

Jagger

It’sbeentwodayssinceIsawRemi,andIhaven’theardfromhersince She’snotreallygivingmethetimeofday,soIvow nottoreachoutforabitsoIcankeepmyselffromobsessingoverher.She’sthelastdamngirlIshouldbeobsessingover anyway,I’veliterallysuedher...there’snocomingbackfromthat.Doesn’tmatterthatIfeelalittlebadaboutit,thedamageis done,andshe’llneverforgiveme

Hell,Iwouldn’tforgiveme.

Thereisn’tevensomegrandgesturethatcanmakeitrightunlessIcansomehowpayherback,andthat’saroadIdon’teven wanttoconsidertaking.She’dprobablytellmetofuckoffanyway.Icouldoffertotakeoverhermonthlypayments wait, whythefuckamIthinkingaboutthis?We’rejusthookingup We’renotevendating,andevenifItriedtodateher,she’dlaugh inmyface.

God,whydoesthatthoughtmakemewanttogoovertoherhouse?Whydoesherangerturnmeon?Her“whohurtyou?” questioncomestomind,andIhuffalaughwhenIrealizethattheansweriseveryone Thereisn’tapersonalivewhohasn’tlet medown,soit’sbesttokeepeveryoneatarm’slength.That’swhythissituationisideal.Shehatesme,andherhatefeels fuckinggood Idon’tknowwhatthatsaysaboutme

MymomwouldprobablyhavemecommittedorforcemetobebaptizedintoherchurchifItoldheranyofthis,soIdon’t tellheranything.Shebelieveshersternwayofraisingmemademeaperfectmanthatanyonewouldbeluckytodate,butthat couldn’tbefurtherthanthetruth.MymomleftmydrunkofadadwhenIwaseleven,takingmeacrossthecountrytoasmaller townwherehecouldn’tfindme,butIrememberalotfrommychildhoodevenifshedoesn’twantmeto.Herbiggestfearisme turningintohim,andsometimesIthinkIhave Notthedrinkingpart,sureIpartakeontheweekendsandstuff,butIremember howcoldhewasattimes,howhe’dgofromdetachedtoangryinseconds.Mostlythough,Irememberhowpossessivehewas.

Hewassocontrollingmymomwasn’tevenallowedtogotothestorewithouthimorhe’dassumeshewasoutcheatingon him.I’mnotthatbad,butwhetherthat’sbecauseIreallyambetterthanhimorIhaven’tallowedmyselftocareaboutsomeone thatmuch,I’mnotsure.BecausewitheverygirlI’veeverhookedupwithmorethanonce,Ifeelmyselfbecomemoreandmore obsessed.Istarttowonderwhothey’rearound,whotheytalkto,whotheirfriendsare,whothehelltheyflirtwithwhenI’m notaround.It’sthekindashitthatdrivesmeinsane,soassoonasthosefeelingscreepupmyspine,Ibreakeverythingoff. It’swhyIthoughtRemiwouldbeasafebet Wehateeachother,there’snowaywegetovertheshitstandingbetweenus right?

SothenwhythehellamIobsessingoverthisrightnow?I’msupposedtobeclearingoutthelockerroomforclosing “Yougood?”Rhodesasks,pullingmefrommycarouselofamind.Helookslikehe’sbeenstandingthereforawhile,but thatcan’tberightbecausehis6’5assisblockingthedoorandwestillhavecustomersoutthere.

Standing,IlookaroundtheemptylockerroomandflashhimthebestsmileIcanmuster “CourseIam Why?”

“Becauseyou’vebeensittingthereforliketwentyminutesstaringatnothingeversinceyougotoutoftheshower.” Observantmindreadingasshole “Thinkingaboutthatgirl?”

“Whatgirl?AndwhyareyouinherewhenyouknewIwastakingashower?Tryingtosneakapeek?”

Thedeadpanlookhegivesmehasmysmilelookinggenuine He’ssoeasytoannoyithastobeoneofmyfavorite pastimes.“Theoneyoucalledtheotherdaylookinglikeadamnpuppythesecondsheanswered.”

“I’mgonnaneedeveryonetostopcomparingmetodogrelatedshit.I’mtoodamnhandsometobecalledadogorapuppy.”

“Where?”heargues,agrinfinallybreakingonhisdumbface “Sureyou’vegotmusclesandyouhavethatdumbsmilethat makessomegirlswet,butIdon’tgetit.Isitthecurls?Mycurlsarebetterthanyours,andIhavedimples.”

“That’sdebatableonyourbestday,bud Thisisn’tacompetitionyouwanttoenter” I’mbullshitting.ImightbestraightbutIknowgirlsfalloverthemselvesforhimmorethantheydoforme,butit’slesson thelooksandmoreonhisdemeanor He’sgotthattall,darkandmysteriousthinggoingon,rarelysmilesunlesshegenuinely findssomethingamusing,andhetalkslessthananyoneelseinourfriendgroup.Forsomereasonthatmakeshimappealingto women.Well,thatandhisridiculouseyes.Somedaysthey’realmostblue,somedaysthey’realmostgreen,butthey’reusually somesortofhybridofthetwoandseemtogetRoscoeRhodesmoreplaythananythingelse

“You’redodgingmyquestion,whichonlyanswersmyquestionmorethananythingthatwouldhavecomeoutofyour mouth”Wemakeourwayouttothegymareatocloseupshop,butthere’sstillabouteightpeoplelingering,sohecontinues “Haveyoutalkedtohersince?”

“No.AndIdon’tknowwhyyou’retalkingaboutherlikewe’redating.Youknowthesituation.”He’sprobablytheonlyone whodoes.

“Hey,Jay,”Alainainterrupts,andIswearIhavetodoadoubletaketoseeifshe’snaked.I’llnevergetwhygirlswear

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TableofContents

ContentAdvisory

Prologue: ThisIsn’tLove,ThisisaCarCrash

Remi

ChapterOne:

Remi

ChapterTwo: TheseHaveGotToBeTheWorstPiesInLondon

Remi

ChapterThree: ALittleLessSixteenCandles,ALittleMoreTouchMe

Remi

ChapterFour: MyBadHabitsLeadToYou

Jagger

ChapterFive: Don’tCallMeBaby

Remi

ChapterSix:

Remi

Remi

Remi

ChapterNine: SomeCallItPowersOfTheMind

Jagger