This bookis dedicated to Kaylee, Emily, Taylor, Jordon, Melanie, Jamie, Jennifer, Hannah, Donna and the whole “Project Protheka”family.Thanksforbelievingintheworld.
Apairofcomfortabledarktrousers,pairedwithadark,slightlyoversizedshirt,andbootsmadefromtauraleather I ammost proud of the boots. I saved for months to buyenoughtaura leather to have themmade. Theyalso have little bucklesonthem,madefromscrapsofhidiumthatImelteddownandshapedmyself.
“And Fatima will also be one ofthe primarytrackers and will lead us safelythroughthe mountains. We all know how treacheroustheycanbesoIwouldn’trecommendpissingheroff”Marcusgivesmeameasuredstare,andInodbackcoolly MarcusandIdonothaveacloserelationship.Buthetrustsandrespectsme,andthatisallIreallywantfromthemenin CampHope.
“Okay!” He splits us into groups, and we grab our weapons Islip several knives into myboots and slingmybow and sheathofarrowsovermyshoulderbeforeItakemygrouptotheeast,wherethesunisrising.
IdonotknowifMarcusdiditpurposefully,butthegroupIamleadingismostlymen,withjustoneotherwomaninit Sarah, the only other woman in the group, smiles at me sympathetically as I list out instructions to the group of very
He’s a useless specimen of a man, actually. The thought, uncharitable as itis, comes outofnowhere, and Isuppress a smileasIliftsomedirtfromthegroundandsmellit.
“Okay, we’re goingup this waynow,” Iorder the restofthe group, who trudges onafter me as we move ina different direction.
We aren’t ona trail now, and I decide to pull a knife frommyboot just to be safe I hear the rest of themdraw their weaponsinpreparationaswemovedeeperanddeeperintotheforestonthewestsideofthemountain.
“Atleastwe’llhaveenoughskinandfurtokeepuswarmthroughoutwinter,”ImutterasIslitthelastworg’sthroat. Iamsweatingand covered inworgblood whenthe restofthe group reappears. And Iamstunned to see thattheyhave capturedtwomedium-sizeddripirs
Thewindhereisdeafening,world-shattering,universe-destroying.Onlyamonsterlikemecanliveinitunharmed. MaybeitisbecauseIam,inatwistedway,madeofthewindandicethatitblowsaboutwithnocare “Aargh!” Iroar as Istand and rise to myfull height. Istretchmyarms and legs and move fromside to side as the wind howlsaroundthecaveIamin
You picked a good spot at least, I think sleepily to myself as I stand in silence and consider the fact that, despite the violenceoftheelementsoutside,noneofithasreachedmeinthiscaveIchoseformyselfyearsago.
But it wasn’t always like this, IrememberasImoveslowly,stillwakingup
The foreststills as Ienter it. Itis always emptyhere, aside fromthe animals thatrule this desolate land. Theyhave no predatorstocontendwith,exceptforthemselvesandtheelements
Creaturesthatarealwayshungry Creaturesthatwillkillmercilessly Theyusuallygoafterthesmallpreyoftheforest.TheygoafterthelittlebeastiesthatnotevenIwouldtouch. There must be a nest nearby. The snow fluff, snow rabbits. That’s the only reason that they would be here. IwalkdowntheothersideofthehillslowlyandscanforwhatIamsureisthere AndthenIsmellthem Ismelltheirfear.
WhenIkillit–becauseIam hungry–itdoesn’tfightbacktoomuch. They all give up in the end, Ithink,satisfied,asIstandupfromwhereIwascrouchingdowntoeat.Iamcoveredinblood, fur,andpiecesoffat.
“Pleaseforgiveme,”Imurmur–tomyself,thegods,orArthus,I’mnotsure And thenmysoul snaps backinto mybody, and Igasp. Iamshakingand crying, and Natalia is screamingso loudly, so shrilly,thatIamnotsurehowsheisn’tcoughingupbloodrightnow.
Who would be able to? After being violated like that? IthinknumblytomyselfasItightenmyarmsaroundNataliaandtry tosootheher EventhoughIhavejustbecomeamurderer,eventhoughIcannotbreathe,eventhoughIamsuddenlyreligious “Thankyou,”Nataliawhispersasshepullsawayfromme.Thegratitudeinhervoiceisclearandearnest.“Thankyou.You savedmylife Yousavedmefromsomethingworsethandeath”
“Ibethe didn’tgeta scratchonyou, did he?” Jason’s hard voice comes fromoutside as Marina and some ofthe other womenrushtocoverupNatalia,whowashavingahealingsalveappliedbetweenherthighs.
“Atleastwe’refreeofArthus now”Sandy,ablonde,blue-eyedwispofathing,speakshappily,andeveryonecheers at herwords.
“Youdidus all a bigfavor,” another man,Matthew,says Iknow thatMatthew is one ofthose menwhodoes notprefer women,andthishasledtoArthuspracticallyabusinghimovertheyearsforthissupposeddefectthatMatthewhas. “Ijustwanteveryonetobesafe,”Isayinashakyvoice.
MyvoicetrailsawayintosilenceastherealityofwhatIhavedone,whatIdidtoArthus,becomesevenclearertome. I am a murderer It was for a good cause But I am still a murderer
And Irealize, as theybeatme, punchme, kickme, pull myhair, scratchand pinchme, thateveryone hurtingme are the peoplewhodislikehowIhaverisenthroughtheranksasahunterandfighterthroughouttheyears.
Is this it? Itrytoswallow,butthemovementhurtstoomuch. Idonotfeelfear–Ithinkanyfearwasbeatenoutofme
ButIdowanttoknowifIamabouttodie.
JELLARA
Another successful hunt. This will satiate me for a couple of days.
I look behind me, a satisfied smirk spreading across my face Not only did I get my fill, but I had some worthy entertainmentinthiscrueltundra.Mostofmypreydon’tputupsuchagreatfightasthesnowbeardid.
Iventure closer to the silhouette, wonderingwhatkind ofcreature wandered into myland Whether it’s stupid or justas curiousasme.ButIconsideranyoutsidertobequitefoolishbyjuststeppingintohere.
Igetcloser and closer, tryingto hide myexistence so itcannotrunawayinfear As myeyes feastuponthe new prey, I flinchbackinsurprise.
“Ahuman?”Isayoutloud.“Whatisitdoinghere?”
They’re tryingto brave the bitter cold and are so horriblylosingagainstit. However, itdoesn’tstop themfrommoving forward.Theirdeterminationisevidentineachsteptheytake.
I’veneverencounteredahumanbefore Idon’tknowmuchaboutthem AllI’veheardabouttheirkindcomesfromthetales toldbywairasIoccasionallycomeincontactwith.Thosecreaturesarequitestupidinnaturebutalsotoocuriousfortheirown good They’refascinatedbyhumankindforsomereason
Ithas a darkhead,withlongstrands offur there butnowhere else onits body How is itsupposedtokeepitselfwarm? Unlesstheoddcoveringstheyhaveareusedforthistypeofweather.
Itblows air onto its hands for some reason Its whole bodyshakes witheachstep As Ilookcloser atits face, Inotice certainmarkingsonit.They’renotasuniformastheharesorthewolffangs,buttheyareasbold.
The questionis answered whentheir weakened state becomes more apparent. Distracted byits odd features, Ifailed to noticethewoundsonitsbody Bloodseepsthroughitsstepsoncetheyliftafootandthentheother Arippleofalarmtravelsthroughoutmybody.Thebloodwillattractmindlesscreaturesliketheaforementionedwolffangs. Thoseanimalsaredrivenpurelybyinstinctandwon’tbackdownuntiltheirpreyisdominated Alas,thehumanistoolatetocleanupitstracks.Thebeastsarewellontheirwayatfullspeed.Thehumandoesn’tnotice untilithearsthegrowlingandhowling.
It turns around in the direction of the sound Its eyes widen, and they try to run away to no avail I’mnot sure if it’s determinedorjustfoolishlikethewairas.
The wolffangs onlybecome excited at the sight of the human’s jerkymovements Theystart runningfaster, preparingto lungeatthehuman.WhenIthinkit’sdonefor,Iseeitpullaweaponfromthinair.
It backs away fromthe pack, holding the weapon above its body, aiming at one and then the other Awolffang stalks towardsthehuman.
“Don’t move!” the human yells for once, but their voice sounds strained. However, it somehow sounds unexplainably pleasantdespitetheirdistress.“Isaid,don’tmoveorI’llkillyou!”
“You’renotasweakasIthought.Still,youwillbecomenothingoutherewithoutme,”Isaytoitsunconsciousform. Istare downat its features, noticinghow different it is fromme. The scent comingfromthe humansmells female. I’ve neverseenafemalehuman,butthisisdifferentfromwhatIimagined.
Ikneelonthegroundandleanontheedgeofthemakeshiftbed,justtowatchher Icannothelpbutnoticeeverylineofher faceandbody,everysmallnoiseshemakes,andeverysubtlemovement.Hermouthlookspeculiar,differentfromananimal’s. It’s thicker butlooks like itwon’tfeel leatherytothe touch That’s where the defiantsoundshe made came fromearlier Whoknewsuchasmallcreaturecouldmakesuchaloudnoise?Eventhewairas’shrillsoundsaren’tasloud.
Iknowit’snotfromthislandsinceshe’dbedeadalready.Andanyanimalthatattackedherwouldhavefinishedthejob. Allthesethoughtsripplethroughmyhead,naggingatme Andthethoughtscaptivateme She captivatesme Itugattheoddcoveringshewears.“Thisisn’tfur,isit?It’sassmoothasyourfur,butIcanseeit’snotattachedtoyour skin”
Curiositygetsthebestofme,andIletmylargehandsroamalloverherbody.ThefeelofitissomethingIcan’texplain. I’ve never touched somethingso… peculiar. Her limbs are stiffbuttender atthe same time. Ilifther arms and legs to see what’sunderneath Maybeshehassomehiddenclawsorcarapaceslikeme
WhenIhold bothher arms up, a slightwhimper escapes her mouth. Carefully, Isether backdown, makingsure Idon’t simplyletherfloponthebed
I crush theminto a paste before spreading it over each wound I find. She doesn’t move or react to the foreign object touchingherskin Itmakesthewholeprocesseasiertodo Theseyarnessleavescanbeconsumed,butIstilldon’tknowwhat kindofteethshehas.
The welts she has won’tbe healedfor a while.Theyare muchuglier thananybruises I’ve had.I’msure those will still causehersomesortofdiscomfort.NowI’mstuckagainonwhatelsetodotohelpher.
“There should be another monster that knows as muchabout humans as the wairas. I’ll just leave for a moment to ask around,”Istartsayingbeforestoppinginmytracks.
But I don’t want to leave Iultimatelydecideagainstgoing.Aslongasshedoesn’tdisplaysignsofexcruciatingpainthenIsupposeitissafetowait fornow.Ireturntothesamepositiononthebed,touchingherfreely.
My body feels… lighter,ismyfirstthoughtasIcomebacktoconsciousness. ThelastthingIrememberbeforefaintingisafuzzymemory Thestandoffwiththosebeastsfeelslikeafeverdream MybodyissorebutnolongercarriesthethrobbingpainofthebeatingItook.
Idon’tfeeltheblisteringcoldcuttingmyskineither.Thegashesmadefromthrownrocksdon’tfeellikethey’rebeingtorn open Mybody’sfine,andIdon’tknowwhyorhowit’spossible Infact,I’malmost…comfortable.
Slowly,Iturnmyheadtowardstheownerofthebed Istruggletobreathebutnotmakeanysuddennoises Myeyesfallon amonstrousbeastsleepingsoundlynexttome.ThefactthatIdidn’tnoticeitshumongouspawonmylegisbeyondme. What the fuck is this?
Myheartdrumsinmyears.Ascreamdiesdowninmythroat.Memoriesofmymother’sdeathflashbeforemyeyes. Thescreaming Thecrying The damn blood Itwaseverywhere,andtherewasnothingIcoulddoaboutit Igaspforairasthememoriesovercomeme.Myeyeswaterandmyentirebodyburnswithrage.Couldthisbethemonster thattookmymotherawayfromme?
Iholdthestoneovermyhead,preparingtostrikeitsskullifithasone.Whatmakesmehesitateisthecarapacesurrounding itsbody.They’rethesameasarmor,andIdon’tthinkonestrikewillbeenough. Just do it, Fatima!Do it and run away!
It towers over me. Its spikes create shadows inthis alreadydarkplace, overshadowingmydeath. It seems like it gets biggerthemoreIstareatit.ButIcan’ttearmyeyesawayfromthismonstrosity.
Itpinsmebackdown,butthistime,I’monmybelly.Thenitputsmoreofitsweightonmybody,makingitimpossiblefor me to move Itlatches its claws over myarms, breakingthe ground underneathto complete the restraint Itbreathes heavily downmyneck,nearlyaschillingastheweatheroutside.
Mybreathingturns irregular, and the sensationof chokingcomes back. Tears streamfrommyeyes as I struggle to free myself
Islipone handvictoriously.Itgrowls as itreaches downagain,butIdodge it.Itake a chance witha kickbehindme.It feelslikeshardsstabmefromthesolesofmyfeetandupmyquads.
Atleastwiththe kick, itmade himreel his head backbya bit. Withthe space Ihave, Itryto roll to the armthat’s still pinneddown The monster notices myintentionandburies his claws deeper intothe ground Bydoingthat,Iknow this time he’sabouttobreakmywrist.
ThenIpause, the truthofmywords sinkingin. Whydoes the creature notjustkill me and getitover with? It's clearly biggerandmorepowerful,andIamnomatchforit.NotevenifIcouldmanagetostrikeitwiththestone.
Lifting my head to meet its gaze as my breathing slows, I look deep into the creature's eyes There's something there, perhapsnotexactlykindness.Attheveryleast,itdoesn’tlookatmewithviolence.
Are there even eyeballs in there? If I could just blind him for a second… It’srisky,butI’mleftwithoutotherideas Ibitetheinsideofmycheek,tryingtothinkofaplan
Ifeelitsclawtouchthesideofmyface.Iflinchatitstouchandlookdirectlyintoitseyes.Itscoldandemptyeyes. The monster locks eyes with me, a different kind of intensity emanating fromits gaze. My chest tightens with anxiety, uncertainofwhatthiscreature’sintentionstrulyare.
“Whatdoyouplantodowithme?Youkeepstaringatme,andIdon’tlikeit,”Isnapatit. Itseyesnarrowasitsheadtilts Itraisesitshand,andIgasp,thinkingthatthisisit I’mtakenbysurprise whenI feel its hand onmystomach. It doesn’t rip out myorgans or puncture me withhis claws. Rather,itgentlygrazesasingleclawovermybellybutton
Thelittlevoiceinmyheadwhispers. What will his claw feel on my actual breast?
Ihave to bite downonmytongue to getrid ofthose ridiculous thoughts. ButIcan’tdenythatit does feel good. Which makesmehatemyselfmorethananything Why ismybodyreactinglikethis?
After flinchingfromthe claw touchingmybreasts, itstops touchingme. Butonlyfor a second whenhe stares atme. It’s almostlikeit’sdecidingwheretotouchnext
Despite still beinggripped withfear, mybodyloosens and starts to respond to the warmthradiatingfromthe monster’s body.Iclosemyeyestight,unabletocontrolthelustofitexploringmymostintimatearea.
“Ah,yes Mmm,likethat,”Igasp
Mymewlingsolicits a groanfromthe monster as well. Itbegins to echo myinvoluntarynoises, and somethingaboutthe low,roughgroansitmakesalongsidemynoisesofpleasureonlyheightensthedesirepoundingthroughmybody.Iwantitto keepmakingthosenoises Iwanttobethecauseofthosenoises Itfinallyletsgoofmyarms,butIholdontoitswristsoit doesn’tpushtoodeeplyinsideofme.
Butthenittakes the claw out Ishake fromthe suddenmovementofmyspace beingemptyonce again Mymind’s dizzy fromthewildexperience.Atfirst,Ithinkit’stheendofituntilitlowersitselfontopofme.
Then, it starts rubbing its body against mine gently. Having my skin rubbed like this turns me on, and I grab onto the monster The hardness of its form captivates and confuses me, leaving me torn between my instincts and the growing sensations.
I can’t, this is too much for me I’ll go crazy if I don’t have more Ibothwanthimto stop and continue. WhatI’mscared ofnow is the intense pleasure thatovershadows myfear ofthis creature
No, I have to resist. I can’t let myself get swayed like this. I have to fight against this overpowering creature that holds me captive.
hat’swrong?”Irepeat.Myonlyansweristhemetallicsmellofthehuman’sblood,andIleanbackslightlytotakeher in Betweenthe gaps ofher tattered coverings, her cuts againleakbright red, stainingthe fabric and the grass bed beneathher.
Withamutteredcurse,IreachovertothepileofherbsIkeep.Ipickouttheyarnessleaves,thebrightbluecolormakingit easyto spotbetweenthe others Stuffinga few inmymouth,Iquicklychew while Iwatchher Her blackhair is spread out aroundherhead,withbitsofgrassandicestucktoit.
While Itend to her injuries, she looks around the cave. She rubs her wrists absentmindedly, makingme worrythatI’ve worsened her injuries Iturnher face slightlyto tend to the gashunder her head-fur Her breathcatches as she looks outthe mouthofthecavetothefrozentundra.
MyeyesflitbetweenwhereI’mworkingandherface,everymicro-expressionfascinatingme Thewarmthinsidethecave seems to confuse her, a starkcontrastto the blusteringwind and violentsnow stormragingoutside. The darkslashes offur abovehereyes–eyebrows,Ithink?–arefurrowed,andIyearntosmooththecreasethathasformedbetweenthem.
Ihuminacknowledgmentand keep watchingher, mygaze tracingher strongfeatures Eventhoughshe thinks she’s been capturedbyamonster–well,technically,shehas–shestillhasaconfidenttilttoherchin,herjawclenchingasshethinksof something She shakes that thought off and turns to focus on my face My mandibles click slightly in irritation at the clear distrustinherdeepbrowneyes.
“Sometimes there isn’t enough wood to go around, and we just have to keep everything closed up and stay under our blankets Orstayactive Trainingalwayshelpsme”
“Mymother was fierce as hell,” Fatima eventuallysays “Whenthe beasts came to our village, everyone panicked My mother…Shejustgrabbedherweaponsandranouttherewiththeloudestbattlecryyou’lleverhear.”Shelaughs.“Shemay havediedinthatfight,butshetookeverysingleoneofthosebeastswithher”
Icanhear the pride inher voice, eventhoughshe seems saddened bythe memory. Whenshe laughs again, Idecide I’ve foundmyfavoritesoundintheworld.
“At night, we cooksome sort of stew withmeat and vegetables,” she finishes Three times a day? Theyeat that often? WorrygnawsatmeasIthinkoftakingcareofthishumanandhowmuchworkitwillbe.Howdotheykeepthemselvesalive?
She looks at me for a few moments before noddinghesitantly. She seems smart and savvy, so I don’t believe she’ll go wanderingoutto certaindeath Igather up mythings, grabbinga large emptybag, and casta lastlingeringlookather She seemstenseandstilllooksabitpale,andthebruisesandweltsonherskinstandout.
“Okay,Fatima.Here’syourchance,”Imuttertomyself.“Youhaven’ttrainedallyourlifetobeputoffbyalittlesnow.” Iwaitanother few minutestobesurethemonster isfar gonebeforeItrytomakemyescape.Lookingaroundthecave,I notethatthereisn’tmuchIcantakethatwouldbeofuse
The onlypiece offurniture is the grass ‘mattress’I’msittingon. There is a tunnel atthe backofthe cave, the lightfrom outsidenotquitereachingintoit Irepressashudder attheblacknessstaringoutatme It’sjustanother reminder thatIcan’t stayhere.Idon’tknowwhatthecreature’sintentionsare,andI’mnotstickingaroundtofindout.
Ihavenowayofknowinghow far or inwhichdirectionthemonster tookmewhileIwaspassedout,butIfigureifIgo west,Ishouldeventuallyreachtheendofthefrostterritory Fromthere,Icaneasilyfindmywaybacktothevillage
Memories of being banished suddenly overwhelmme, and I pause to take a few stinging breaths. I can’t afford to be distracted right now Throughforce of will – luckily, I’ve had lots of practice inthat – I manage to calmmyself and look around.
Pure determinationfuels me, and I find a handhold, mynails rippingas I clingto it. Mybodycomes to a suddenstop, exacerbatingmyinjuries.Withalowgroan,Irollovertostabilizemyselfandslowlycometomyfeet.
“Focus There’s no time for that now,” I tell myself I straightenmybackand lift mychin, tryingto imbue myself with confidence.“You’reafuckingwarrior,nowactlikeit!”
Mylittle pep talkseems to do the trick Istand and brushmyselfoff Squintingup atthe ball offire inthe sky, Iorient myselfandstartwalkingtowardsmyredemption.
