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Iwasn’tsurewhatcameoverme,butsomethingdrewmetothehandsome,long-hairedmanwatchingusthroughthehallway windows thathad me waddlingoutto him “Daddy?” Isaid, tugginghis pantleg His gaze fell to mine as Ibrazenlyasked, “Will yoube myDaddy?” Itwas rare Iasked first, thoughmanysolo Daddies played withme while inthe littles’roomat Cordesoftheirownvolition.MostDaddiesdidn’tliketoseelittlesalone.CordeswasthelocalBDSMclubIbelongedtoin Vegas.ThiswaswhereIgottobemeandnotoverwhelmedHenryaswasmyday-to-daylife.
“Henry,” Imurmured, balancingbetweenthe little headspace Iso desperatelysoughtafter the roughworkweekIhad and grown-upHenry Ineverplayedunderapseudoname,justmyrealone Itwasfittingforbothsidesofmypersonality Atleast, Ithoughtso.
“Hello, Henry, I’mDavid. Idon’tknow how to be a Daddy, butifyoushow me, I’ll try,” the long-haired manintroduced
Cartoons played ona flatscreenTVmounted to the wall where a couple other Littles were parked infrontofitwatching them ButIwantedtoplaywithcars,Ilovedzoomingthemaroundthecityscaperug Itwasginormouscomparedtothetinyone Ihadathome.Idumpedoverthebucketofcarsandcheered,“Yay!”IwasfartooexcitedtohaveaDaddytoplaywith.Too manynightsIspentherealone,Daddiespairingoffwiththeirlittlesornewonestheyjustmet Everyonceinawhile,aDaddy wouldmeanderovertome,thoughitseemedmosthadtheireyessetontheyoungones.Beinginmythirties,Iwasancientin theirworldandthatwasn’twhattheseDaddieswanted.“It’sgonnabesomuchfunhavingsomeonetoplaywith,”Isaidaloud andinstantlyregrettedit Hewasn’ttheretohearmylonelysobstory “Doyoualwaysplayalone,Henry?”Davidaskedme.
MentallyItuggedupmylittlepants,determinedtoenjoywhatevertimehe’dgiveme “SillyDaddy Yougozoom-zoomlike this,”Ipickedupabrightredcar.“Vroom,vroom,”Imadecarnoisesanddrovealongtheroadsoutlinedontherug.Iparked besideabuildingandgrabbedanotheranddidthesamewithit.Evencarslikedtohavefriendsnearbytoplaywith.“Likethat, Daddy Yourturn”Withouthesitation,hedrovepastandparkedvehiclesinthecenter,whereitwasbrownlikedirt Igiggled as he made car noises, he glanced up atme and grinned and keptdoingit. Several others showed up to playwithus, butI wantedtemporaryDaddyalltomyself “Daddy,”Isaid,sittingonhislap “Ithirsty” Heglancedattheminifridgeinthecornerwherethejuiceboxeswere.“Okay,Henry,whatwouldyouliketodrink?” “Juicebox,peese,”Isaid,andhekissedmycheek.Everyinchofmybodyheatedfromthepressofhislipsandmytwinkle twitched.Hehe,that’swhatIcalledmyspecialpartwheninlittlespace.Isighedandslidoffhislapandplayedwiththeothers forafewminuteswhilehegrabbedit.
“Hereyougo,Henry,”Davidsaid,handingmeanapple-flavoreddrinkbox “SillyDaddy,youforgottodothestraw,”Ishookmyheadandhandeditback.IwantedthefullDaddyexperiencetonight, thoughIknewitwouldn’tendwithrubbies Askingforthemmayhavescaredhimaway “Oh,mybad,”Davidapologizedasheslidthetinystrawfromthewrapperandpokeditthroughthehole.“Allgoodnow.” “Mmm,tankew,Daddy,”Isaidaftertakingabigdrink. Davidmussedmyhair,“You’rewelcome,Henry.” “Here,Daddy,allgone.”Ihandedbacktheemptyjuicebox. “Whatdoyouwanttodonext,Henry?”heasked “Potty,Daddy.”Idrankthatfartoofastandmorphedintothepee-peedance. “Um,what?”Fearflashedacrosshisface “Areyoupotty-trained,Henry?” “Yes, butItoo little to go bymyself. Daddyhas to come withme,” Igrabbed his hand and led himtoward the bathroom, stoppingjustoutsidethedoor.“Youstayhere,Daddy.Iberightback.Don’tmove.” “Iwon’t,Henry,”hepromised Ituggedandtugged,butthestupidsnapswouldn’twork.“Daddy!” Davidraninside,scanningtheroomforthreats “Areyouokay?” “Can’tgetsnaps,”Ipulledontheflaptomyfavoriteonesie,butitdidn’tgivewayandIwasneartears. “Oh,um,I’ll try?”hesaid Gingerly,hepulledtheflapdownenoughsoitwasn’ttouchingskin Hewas nervous,thoughI didn’tunderstandwhy.Iwastheonewhowastrappedandcalledforhelp.Finally,hefreedme,andItookcareofbusiness, washed myhands thenskipped pasthimand outthe door. Iplayed withthe other littles for a while longer while temporary Daddystoodofftothesidewatching Washeenjoyingthis?Playingwithme?Orwasthisalltoomuchforhim? Eitherway,I’dhadenoughforonenight.Itwastimetoreturntomylonelyhome.“Daddy,Iseepy.Timetogonight-night.” “Okay,Henry Whatdoyouneedmetodo?”Davidasked “Henrychangeandgohome.DaddywalkHenrytotheroom?”Iasked. “Sure,leadtheway,”hesaidandItookhishand Hetoldhisfriendhe’dberightbackwhenwepassedhiminthehallway Davidwassweet,butthisclearlywasn’thiselement.WhenwegottothedressingroomI’drentedfortheevening,Istood ontippytoesandkissedhischeek.“Thankyou,Daddy.”
ItwaswhenyouwalkedthelonelypathIdid I’d beenoverlooked throughout mylife as the onlychild to parents more focused onretirement thanraisinga kid. Was I mistreated?Notinthetraditionalsense Havingmelaterinlife,myparentslackedtheenergytochaseatoddleraroundsoin lieuoftoys,IwasgivenanybookIwantedfromthebookstoretheyowned.Iwouldsitandreadforhours,divingintotalesof fabledfantasyandhistorical stories Headburiedinthe pages,absorbingeverybitofinformationIcould Quietas a mouse washowmyparents’friendsdescribedmeovertheyears.SeemedthatwasaphaseInevergrewoutof. Quietandalwaysreading.Bothwereapositiveandanegative.
Time spentatCordes was mytherapy, mywayto escape the sad normofmydailylife and letgo WithDavid, Istepped outsidemycomfortzoneandwentfor whatIwantedandinturnhadawonderful timeplayingwithhim.Iguess littleHenry couldteachgrown-upHenryathingortwo.
Well, tomorrow was a new day in the lonely life of Henry, the owner of Turn the Page bookstore. How I longed for somethingexcitingtohappen.
Chapter Two
Mitchell
“Mitchell,” myboss barkedover the speaker onmylaptopduringthe teamconference call. His deep, callous, holier than thou tone shook me to the core The others around the meeting room table back at the office in Chicago remained stoic, unmovedbythefamiliarnegativeoutburst,whileIvisiblyflinched.Iswearthatmanlivedtorattleme.“Ineedthatreporton mydeskfirstthinginthemorningtopresenttothepartners.”
Workininvestments,myfathersaid.It’llbelucrative,andyou’llenjoyit. Enjoy it my ass.
Withoutso muchas a goodbye, he disconnected the call MindlesslyIblinked and stared atthe blackcomputer screenin disbelief. What the ever-loving fuck? Washethisnastytohisfamily?Ifso,theyshouldrunfarandfastandbreakthenegative cycle havinghimintheir life created Sheesh Iclosed the meetingwindow and switched backto the spreadsheet I’d been workingon.Sevenp.m.inChicagowasfiveinLasVegas,thoughthatmeantnothinginthegrandschemeofthings.He’dexpect metopullanall-nighterasIhadmanytimesovertheyearsandhavethisreportinhisinboxbeforedaylight. Iwastoooldforthisshit
Iglancedaroundmychildhoodbedroomandsighed.NothinghadchangedsinceI’dgraduatedcollegeandmovedaway.The samerockbandposters adornedthewalls justas thetrophies I’dwoninthepastfor various sportingevents I’dpartakenin collected dust on the shelves they were casually displayed upon. Maybe entering the NFLdraft was the way I should’ve gone
Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.
Yeah, and at the age of thirty-nine my body would be in more pain than it already was.
“Yes, sorry It’s just ” I lost mywords I’d beenback a short two months, havingreturned right after my mother’s hip surgerywhileshewas inrehab.This was heartbreakingandIcursedmyselffor all thetimeI’dlostwithher.Wastedhours workinginsteadofcatchingupwithher,timeI’llnevergetback.
“Understandable,whydon’tyoutakeaseatandletthemdotheirjob?”HeledmetothecouchacrossfromMom’srecliner AsbestIcouldguess,shelostherfootingwhilegettingoutofit,over-compensatedandwentdown.Oratleast,Ihopedthat’s all itwas Twoofthe medics leftandreturnedmoments later witha stretcher They’drattledthings offbetweenthe three of them,bloodpressure,heartrate,amongstotherstatsthatwaslostonme.IknewIshouldpaybetterattentionbutthevisionof herlyingthereoverwhelmedme
Myeyes never leftmymother as Iwatched themload her up. “I’ll lockup and meetyouthere.” Iwas inno conditionto drive,butatleasthadtheforethoughttorecognizeI’dneedmyvehiclelater “We’llalertthehospitalyou’reonyourway.”
“Shit, whattime is it? I’mso sorry, I’msucha mess,” Ireplied, onthe verge oftears “It’s Mom, she had a fall and was unresponsive.Ihadtocallanambulanceandamheadedtothehospitalnow.” “I’monmyway.”
“Yes, of course. I’mso sorry. My mother is Kate Blackthorn and I’mMitchell Blackthorn.” Emily tapped away on her keyboard,impatientlyIshiftedfromfoottofootassheconductedhersearch
“Okay,thankyou.”Whatelsewastheretosay?ShouldIhavestormedthedoubledoorsandriskedgettingkickedout?Iwas attheirmercyatthispoint,andmymotherwasinwhatIhopedwerecapablehands.Herhipsurgerywasatthishospital,andit wentwell,thoughIfearedshe’dreinjuredittonight Butatleasttheyhadallhermedicalrecordsonhand “Mitchell?” a familiar voice that brought me strengthcalled out. I bolted upright and dove into his arms. “Is she okay?” Jensenasked,hisarmstightenedashiswarmthenvelopedme Iwipedmyeyes,“I’mstillwaitingforthedoctortocomeout.Idon’tknowwhatshewastryingtodo.Herwalkerwasright nexttothechair,andshecompletelymissedit She’sbeengettingconfusedandagitatedlately I’djustfinishedaconference callwhenIheardthecrash.”
“Okay,we'llwaittogether,”Mitchellsaidaswesatsidebysideinthewaitingroom,hishandinmine.Agroundingpresence Ineededonasoul-deeplevel Noonepaidusanymindanduslikewise IdrewstrengthfromJensenwhenhewasnear He'd always beenstronger thanme, yet I was the one who moved awayfromhome after college while he remained inVegas. I shouldhave stayedandfounda jobcloser tohome It's notlike Iever hadanyreal relationships after Ileft Men,women,I datedbothandwhileIfoundpleasureintheir company,Inever wantedanyonefor morethanabrieftryst.Whatdidthatsay aboutme?
“Tobehonest,I'mnotcompletelysure.IwasintheofficeonaconferencecallwhenIheardherhitthetablefirstandthen the floor. Her walker stood beside the chair that she was sitting in when I left to take the call. She had promised me she wouldn'tmove.Ihadherfavoriteprogramon,andshewaswatchingTVwhenIwentintheotherroom.BythetimeIgottoher aftershefell,shewasn'tresponsive,butshedidhaveapulse”Isoundedlikesuchafuckingloser Inevershould’velefther sidetonight.
“NotthatI'mawareof.Isthataconcernnow?”MyGod,Iwouldn'tevenknowhowtobegintohelpherwiththatdiagnosis. Was thatbeyondmyabilities? There's nowayI'dbe able toworkandtake care ofher “Thoughshe has grownincreasingly agitated.”
“I'drecommendyousetupaconsultationwithherprimarycaredoctor,preferablywhileshe'sstillhere We’readmittingher andIwon'treleaseheruntilshe'sconsciousandthereisnofearorthreatofherharmingherself.I'mnotimplyingyouwillhurt her,pleasedon'tmisunderstandwhatI'msaying Butit'sobviousshewasn'twaitingforyoutocomeoutoftheofficetoassist her.Shedecidedtodoitonherownandifsheisintheonsetofdementia,she'snotalwaysgoingtounderstandthatwhatshe needs and whatshe wants maynotbe things she’s capable ofgivingherselfanylonger and therefore could resultinserious harm,”Dr Wrightexplained
“God,” I mumbled as I slunk down into the chair and buried my face in my hands. Was it too much to ask the chair to swallowmewhole?“Shewasalwaysthereforme,evenaftermydaddied Shetookonbothparentalroleswithoutquestion HowcanIbethereforhernowasshewasforme?Idon'tknowwhattodo.”Jensonstoodbesidemerubbingsoothingcircles onmyback Well,Iknewitwasmeanttobesoothing,thoughrightnowitreallywasn’tbutIdidn’thavethehearttotellhim “Letme confer withour on-staffspecialistand have themreachoutto her primaryand setup a meetingwithyou. Inthe meantime, I'll have one of the nurses take you up to her room.” Dr. Wright’s offer was greatly appreciated. Without it, I wouldn’tknowwheretobegin
“Thankyou,Dr.Wright,”Jensenrepliedforus.Theroomwassilentaswewaitedforourescort,andmythoughtswereall overtheplace KnowingJensen,hewaswellonhiswaytofiguringouthowtofixthis That'showmyfriendwasandhowhe landed as a director inthe field offacilitymaintenance. Fixer bynature bothpersonally, and professionally. And thoughhe retiredfromthatfieldafterhismotherpassedandturnedhisphotographyhobbyintoabusiness,makingthingsrightwasstilla partofwhohewas.
Chapter Three
Jensen
Mitchell neededmeandwheneverthathappened,Iwastherenomatter thetimeofdayor night.Healwayskiddedaround andsaidIcouldfixanything,yetIcouldneverfixthefactthatI'dbeeninlovewithhimsincethedaywemet ThoughI'dnever shared that withhim. We were bothnearlyfortyand single, you’d thinkthat would be the opportune moment to springthat surpriseonhim.I'dhadafewrelationshipsovertheyears,noneofwhichlastedmorethanayear.Partlyduetomyinabilityto stopcomparingthemtoMitchell.
Thelonelyheartofamandesperatelyinlovewithhisbestfriendwhodidn’treciprocatehisfeelings.Clearly,poetrywas notmyforte and witheachpassingdayitbecame harder notto pour mybleedingheartoutto Mitchell Fear ofruiningour friendshipwasthelasttendrilthatheldmebackandlikelytheonlypartofmewithafullyfunctioningbrain.
TheonlypeoplewhoknewIfeltthiswayweremysisterAmy,andMitchell'smother AmyandIwereeighteenmonthsapart andbarelyadaywentbythatwedidn'tspeak.She’smarriedwithchildren,andIlovedandadoredmytwinnieces,Haleyand Riley, and her husband Dave was amazing. Iwas the fununcle who tookthemoutfor pizza and games, and to see the silly
As Istaredatthe sadface ofthe manIloved,Iwishedtotake awayhis pain Ifearedthe outcome ofhis mother’s health wasn't one Mitchell would handle well. I mean, who would? He’d mentioned to me a few times that she had forgotten importantthingsbuthavingonlyjustmovedbackaftershehadsurgery,hehadn’tseenmuchofituntil afterward Whetheror notthesurgeryexacerbatedthat,Iwasn'tcertainbutithaddefinitelyprogressedafterthat.IcheckedonKateasoftenasIcould whilehewasinChicagobuteventhatwasn'tenough WhenMitchellgotthecallthatshehadfallenandbrokenherhip,Iwas outthedoorandtothehospitalinrecordtime.HadKate’sneighbornotcomeovertocheckonherwhoknowshowlongshe would’velainthere.
I should’ve checked on her more Coulda, shoulda, woulda, either way, I failed my friend in the worst way. KatetreatedmelikeIwasherownson MitchellandIweregluedatthehipfromdayoneandinconstantcompetitionouton thefield.Sheandmymotherwereateveryevent,volunteeringtorunthesnackbarandwhatnotforourteam.Whenmymother passedaway,Katewasbesideherselfandhonestlythat’swhenInoticedthebiggestchangeinher NomatterhowoftenAmyor IwouldtrytogetKateoutforlunchordinner,shedeclined.WithmymomgoneandMitchellaway,shebecameanemptyshell ofherself.Mitchellwasherworldandmymother,herbestfriend.
Mitchell walked over and took her hand in his, tears streamed down his face and triggered mine. “Oh, Momma. I'mso sorry,”heutteredbetweensobs.Onesideofherfacewascompletelybruisedfromthefall,theotherhelightlytracedwithhis fingertips Shedidn'tevenflinch “Whywon’tsheanswer?”MyheartbrokeforhimasImentallyrelivedthehelloflosingmy ownmother.
Wasthathow hewouldalwaysseeme,asabrotherlyfigure? Snap out of it, Jensen, this isn’t about you. This was about themand no matter my mangled mess of a heart, I never turned my back on family Ever We settled in for the long haul, Mitchell tookthe chair atthe bedside while Isettled into the one near the window and pulled outmyphone to textAmy. I assuredherI'dkeepherupdatedonanychangeswithKate.Therewasnouseinhercominguphere,I'msurewhatlittlesleep she got was valued Besides, there was nothingshe could do Really, there was nothinganyof us could do Hopelessness wasn’tanemotionIworewell.
The two of us napped off and on throughout the night as best we could in those horribly uncomfortable chairs I often wondered whyhospitals did that putinridiculous chairs thatno one could manage to sleep in, yeteveryone tried. Notto mentionhowwerethepatientsexpectedtosleepwithallthebeepingandthenursescomingineveryhourtochecktheirvitals? Imean, wasn't the purpose of beinghere to get well, and wasn't sleep the number one thingrequired to accomplishthat? I wouldneverunderstandthemedicalsystem.Afterawhile,Istoodandstretched,poppingmybackandnecktorelievesomeof thetension Mitchell'sheadrestedatophismother'sbednearherhand,andIdidmybesttonotdisturbthem,thoughIwished hereyeswouldopenifonlyforamoment.Iusedtherestroomandwentdownstairstofindbreakfastandcoffeeforus.WhenI returned,IimmediatelyknewwhoMitchellwasonthephonewithwithoutasking “Sir, mymother is inthe hospital. I've beenhere withher all night. No, Iunderstand that. Yes,” he answered his asshole boss’srapid-firequestions
Mitchell’sagitationincreasedthelongerthecallwenton.I’dtoldhimforyearstoquitandhewouldn'tlisten.Healwayshad anexcuse well,IneedthismuchmoremoneysavedandmaybeinanotheryearortwoIcan.Inthebeginninghewasgung-ho to climb the ladder thenwhenhe realized this guywasn'tgonna lethimreachthatgoal, he decided to save to starthis own business.Iofferedtogivehimthebackingtodothat,butMitchellwasn'tonetotakehandoutsorloans.
“I said I was staying, and I meant it. Here,” I handed hima bag and a cup of coffee. “I managed to scrounge up some breakfastsandwiches,thoughIcan'tguaranteethemorthecoffeeareworthyofthepriceIpaid” “I'llpayyouback,”Mitchellimmediatelyreplied.
“WetookX-rayswhenshewasadmittedlastnighttoensurehernew hipwasstill intactandtheyshoweditwas Thereis internal bruisingbutthatwill heal withtime,” Dr. Nortonsaid. “Nothingappears to be outofplace, thoughthe bestwayto checkwouldbetogetherup.”
“I'dgiveanythingforhertoopenhereyes”Mitchelllonginglystaredathismother “Mitchell,we'llkeepherforanothernightinthehopesthatshe'llwakebutpleasekeepinmindifshedoesn’t,you'llneedto consider analternative care programfor her There are several facilities thatwe canrecommend butultimatelythe decision wouldbeyours.”IheldmybreathasIawaitedMitchell’sreplytoDr.Chan.
Mitchellnoddedinunderstandingbutspokenotaword.
“We'll come backlater and checkonher. Ifanythingchanges inthe interim, alertthe nurses and they'll find us,” Dr. Chan said.
“Thankyou,”Ireplied
Chapter Four
Henry
“Goodmorning,Mr.Harris,”Igreetedmyregular retiredcustomer thatcameindaily,boughtthenewspaper offthestand, and tooka seat inone of the readingchairs next to the window He sipped his coffee fromthe café downthe street that I frequented eachmorningas well. He’d sit here for hours readingaway, inbetweencustomers we’d discuss current events around the world. The shop wasn't overly busy like it was when I was younger, but I had a plethora of marketing ideas I plannedtoimplementas soonas funds andtime allowed.Thankfully,myparents hadbeeninthis space longenoughthatthe landlordgrandfatheredusin,andourrentneverincreased.Intheinterim,I’dworkedonupdatingthewebsiteandincreasing our social media presence Iwasn’tsure whyI’d putthese tasks offas Ihad butifIventured a guess, I’d saybetweenmy mother passingawayand myfather movinginto a full-care facilitycombined withcontemplatingthe sale of mychildhood home thatIstilllivedin mymindwasaspiralingtornadicmess
“Goodmorning,Joe.”Isignedtheelectronicformandverifiedwhatwasreceivedagainsttheshippingbilloflading.With all accounted for, Idove into stockingthe shelves Mylife was mundane atbest, same tasks eachday, all ofwhichIdid on autopilot. Empty. That’s how itfeltgoingthroughthe motions as oflate, whichappeared to have takenits toll and Iwas no longersatisfiedwithjustbeingHenry,ownerofTurnthePagebookstore
DavidandIhadplayedacouplemoretimesatCordes,thoughhewasn'ttherelastSaturday.Iranintohisfriendandasked himifeverythingwasokayandheinformedmeDavidwasoutontourwithhisband ThatgoestoshowyouhowmuchIknew of the real world, having no idea that David was famous. Even if I had, I’d never have shared it with another given the extensivedisclosurepacketwesignedattheclub.IwenthomeSaturdaynightandgoogledhimandlearnedhewas thebass playerforalocalbandcalledEmbracetheFearwhohadahugefanbase IlistenedtoacoupleoftheirsongsonYouTubeand whilemetalwasn’tmymusicalgenreofchoice,Ihadtoadmittheyweredamngood. Whoknew?
“Yes,ofcourse Please,followme”Iledthemovertotheshelvesthathousedthisgenreandpointedouttheareaswherethe fantasyandparanormalbookswere.“Thereareseveralthathaveamixtureofnotonlywitchcraftbutorcs,demons,dragons, andthenthere'salsosomethatonlydealwithwitchesandwarlocks Oryoucanchooseonethatfocusesonasinglemythical creature suchas vampires or fae.” I spent a few moments discussingvarious series withthemuntil the bell over the door chimed.“I'llleaveyouladiestoit.Pleasefeelfreetoreachoutifyouhaveanyfurtherquestions.”Theynoddedandpulleda coupleofbooksfromtheshelf,immediatelyflippingthemovertoreadtheblurbs.
Theothermansmiledandreplied,“I'msorry,you'llhavetoforgivemyfriend,he'shadabitofalongnight.Webothhave. Weweren'tlookingfor anythingparticular,justastoryor magazinetooccupyour timeandtakeour mindsoffofthingsfor a while.”Heflashedhisfriendasympatheticgrimace.
“Yes,right I'msorry,”theothermanapologized PerhapsachangeinsubjectwaswarrantedandIgotthefeelingthatwhatever itwastheyweretryingtocombat,itwasn’t pleasant “Coffeefrommyfavoritebrewhouse,Claire’s Didyougettomeether?Isn'tClairewonderful?”Ihopedfocusingon theircupswouldbeanicebreaker.Attemptingtohostaconversationwithattractivemenwasachallengeformewhichwas why the David situation stayed fresh in my mind. It wasn’t that I had a crush on himbut the way I handled myself in his presenceandexudedconfidencewasnewtome Thoughwhenaconversationwasaboutbooks,Icouldchatupanybody “It’sourfirsttimestoppingthere,”thetallermansaid.“I'msorry,pleaseforgivemymanners.MynameisJensen,andthisis myfriendMitchell”
“I’mHenry,it’snicetomeetyouboth.Toansweryourquestion,Iwouldbasearecommendationonwhatyou’reinthemood for Sci-fi, murder-mystery, cozy mystery” Dare I ask, “Romance?” My head was busy playing the game of are they gay? Straight?Acouple?
Jensensmirked as thoughhe read mymind. “What do yousay, Mitchell? Are youinthe mood for a little romance?” he snickered Mitchellopenedandclosedhismouthacoupleoftimes,remindingmeofapetfishIoncehad “Oh,um.Yourshopisquaint,”Mitchellblurtedout.Jensengroanedandshookhishead.
“Absolutely. Gentlemen, please follow me.” We walked around the counter to the opposite shelvingacross fromthe girls whowerestillperusingfantasynovels.“Hereweare.There'sAgathaChristie,JamesPatterson,StephenKing,thoughhisare morehorrorthanmystery Idon'tknowwhyIhavethoseoverhere”Ishookmyheadandmadeamentalnotetoreshelvethem “Therearemanytochoosefrom.Ifyou'relookingforaparticularauthororseries,pleaseletmeknowandifit'snotinstockI canalwaysorderit Itusuallytakesaboutseventotenbusinessdaysforneworderstoarrive Feelfreetolookaroundandtake yourtime,we'reopenuntilsix.”Iwalkedawayandstraighttotheoffice,shutthedoorbehindme,sliddownthewall,putmy headbetweenmylegsandtaughtmyselfhowtobreatheagain
MysweetJesus,IwantedtocallthemDaddyandsandwichmyselfbetweenthem.Theword Daddy wasontheverytipof mytongueandnearlycameoutduringour conversation.Never hadIcravedtobeheldbyanother as Ididwiththem.Those long,firmarmsthatweremeanttocradlemysmallerfigureastheyreadmebedtimestories ThoughIrarelydated,Iwasn'ta virgin.Ninetypercentofthe Daddies Iplayedwithnothingsexual ever happenedandour playtime was kepttoCordes.The hook-ups I had were few and far between and always one and dones No repeats But something about these men had me transfixed,desireburnedthroughmyveinstothepointIcouldn’tbreathe.
Knock Knock Abruptly, I stood and gave myself a head rushand braced the wall to avoid fallingover As soonas the spinningceased, Ireached for the door and there stood Mr. Harris. “Youokay, kiddo? Youdon't lookso hot,” he eyed me curiously.
As we walked pastthe register area toward the door, Itried butfailed to gainHenry's attention. He was busywithother customers,andIdidn'twanttointerruptthem Hemust’vefeltmystare,though,ashefinallyglancedupandoureyesmet He smiledandgaveapolitewave,andIreturnedthesame.Somethingsosimpleyetastraightshottomycore.MaybeifIwasina better headspace,Iwould’veaskedfor his number Maybe see ifhe wantedtogotodinner or take a walkinthe park Who knew,butrightnowatthistimeinmylifeitprobablywasn’tidealtopursueanythinguntilIgotmyshitinorder.
Therewas nousegoingbackupstairs whenwereturnedtothehospital.Itwouldonlyservetofurther depress me.Jensen gavemeahugwhenwereachedmycarandlingeredabitlongerthannormal,thoughIdidn’tmind Onceagain,he’dbeenmy rockandIappreciatedhowhehadawayofmakingmefeelbetter.Often,Iwonderedovertheyearsifwemissedourchanceat beingarealcouple,morethanjustfriends Neitherofusevermentioneditsoitlikelywasn’tanoption Iwasn’tJensen’stype He generallywent after guys more like Henry. Petite, twinktypes whichI was anythingbut. While I was openlybisexual, Jensenwas one hundred percent gay For me, it was all about personalityand feelinga connectionwas a must, thoughon occasionIwouldadmittoscratchinganitchwithahookup.DemisexualwastheclosestIgottoalabel,butIcouldn'tdenythat sometimesneedwonout.Ididn'tfitintoanyonebox,nordidIrankveryhighonanyscale.IwasjustmeandIwasperfectly finewiththat
Idrovehomeonautopilotwhichwasn’twiseandasIwalkedinside,everythingwasasweleftitinthehouse. Of course, it was, dumbass WhatdidIexpect?Thehousegnomescameandputthingsrightanddustedtheshelveswhiletheywereatit?I was starved, the small breakfastsandwichwas thoughtful, butnotenoughto sustainme. Iflipped openeverycupboard and openedandshuttherefrigeratorthreetimesandshookmyheadattheridiculousrepetition.Intheend,Iresignedtoshowerand attemptedtosleep.I’dbeenupforGodknewhowlongatthispointandmybodydesperatelycravedshuteye.
Jensen: Get some sleep, Mitchell, quit beating yourself up over this There's nothing you could have done differently See you in a few hours
JensenalwaysknewwhenIwaslostinsidemyhead,almostlikehehadasixthsensewhenitcametome.Hehadanuncanny knackfor reachingoutwhenIneeded himmost More times thanIcould counthe’d beenthe voice thatguided me forward, pushedmetodomore,andtheonewhotoldmeI'dbejustfinemovingbackhome.I'mgladIdid,thoughIwishedI’dlistened sooner
“SoIcouldbringyoubreakfastinbed?” He battedhis lashes witha sillygrinandwaveda cupofcoffee throughthe air “Mmm,nectarofthegods.GetupbeforeIeatallthedonuts.”
“Youhadmeatdonuts”Itookasipoftheperfectlydoctoredbrew andreleasedasalacious moan “Marryme?”Iteased andabriefmomentofsadnesscrossedJensen’sface,thoughheimmediatelyschooledit. What was up with that? “Getup.”Hesmackedmyassasheroseandheadedforthebedroomdoor.“Now.”
“Let'shopethere’sapositivechangewaitingforuswhenwegetthere,”Jensensaid. Wefinishedeatinganddecidedtotakehisvehiclesincehewasparkedbehindme Therewasnoreasontodriveseparately whenwehadthesameagenda.Thedrivewassilent,muchweighedheavilyonbothourminds.WhenwegottoMomma’sroom hereyeswereopenandtherewasadoctorandanurseassessingher “Iseverythingallright?”IaskedasIreachedherside “YoumustbeMitchell.I'mDr.Turner.Whenyourmotherwoketoday,shewasabitagitatedandtriedtoripoutherIVs.It setthealarmoff,andthenursesrushedin.Theyhadtosedateher,buthermumblesremainedincoherent.Whenwereassessed her injuries, she flinched as we touched the bruised hip area. I understand Dr. Chan spoke with you last night about your options?”
“Momma?”Ileanedoverherandgentlytrailedfingersalonghercheekbone “Momma,it’sme,Mitchell Canyouhearme?” Her eyes glazed over, notfocused onanything. Myheartwas fuckingbreaking. She was all Ihad left. Mylife would be so emptywithouther.
Mitchell andIdecidedtotour threeofthefacilitiestodayandsavedthehospital recommendationfor last,soour decision wasn’tswayedinanyway Iwasgladwe’dtakenmyvehiclethismorning Mitchellwasinnostateofmindtodriveandlosing himto a bad decision wasn’t happening on my watch. Dr. Turner recommended memory care facilities as they were still concernedwiththepossibilityofKatehavingdementia AllthreetodayspecializedindementiaandAlzheimer’scare Mitchellsatsilentlybesideme,andIreachedoverandtookhishandinmine.Aboldmove,yes,butanecessaryone.When hedidn’trecoil,Ithreadedourfingerstogether.“Howareyouholdingupoverthere?”
“I don’t evenknow anymore. One minute I’monthe phone withmyasshole boss. Excuse me, ex-boss, and the next I’m touringhomestoplacemymotherin.Ihavenowords.”Mitchell’sgazeremainedoutthewindowashereplied.
WhenMitchell'sfatherdieditwasquick,hehadaheartattackandpassedawayinhissleep This,whathismotherwould now go through, would be a long, drawn-outprocess and we’d watchher deteriorate. Kate was a strongwomanand ifshe wereofsoundmind,shewouldnotbehappywiththis Wasitjustmeorwerethegodsdevilishlycruelattimes?Whycouldn't everyone just go instantlywhenit was their time to crossover? No watchinga loved one suffer. No painand anguish, they wouldjustdisappear Nobodiestoburyorcremate Noexpensivefuneralstobepaidfor Theywerejustpoof,gone Wepulledupinfrontofthefirstfacility,aclean,yellowbuildingwithwhitetrim.Averycalm,soothingcolor.Varioustrees andflowerslinedthegroundssurroundingit.“Thislookslikeitcouldbenice,”IsaidtoMitchell.“Areyoureadytogoin?” “AboutasreadyasI'mgonnabe”
We entered throughthe double frontdoors and checked inwiththe receptionistatthe counter. We had called ahead to all threeplacestoensuretheyhadtimeforustodayandallwereabletofitusin Thedirector,Cooper,greetedusafewminutes laterandguidedusaround.Thisplacewasalarge,multi-storybuildinganditwasonewheresinglesorcouplescouldmove intoon-siteapartmentstogether Itwasdesignedtobeaonestopresidencewhereyoustartedoutinaprivatespaceandwere freetocomeandgoasyoupleased.Thenastimeworeonandaresidentrequiredcare,theymovedintothenextstageofthe facility,whetheritbepart-timeorfull-timeassistance.Honestly,thatwasasmartconcept.Especiallyforthosewithnofamily tomakedecisionsforthem Here,they’dhavealltheyrequireduntiltheend Thedownstairswardwaslocked,andthatwaswherethepatientswithAlzheimer'sordementiaresided.Theycalleditthe MemoryCareunit Mitchell tensedasCooper swipedhisbadgeonthecardreader andthedoorsopened Tensionroiledoff MitchellandIwishedIcoulddothisforhimbutunfortunatelytheseweren'tmydecisionstomake.Iwasthemoralsupportand extramuscletohelpmovewhatKatewouldneedwithher.Thestaffwerefriendly,andthepatientsappearedtobewellcared forbutjustknowingwhytheyweretherewasbeyondwords.Intheend,wethankedCooperforhistimeanddrovetothenext locationwhichwasnearlyamirrorimageofthefirst.
Again,wemetwithanotherdirectorwhotookusonatourandwentthroughthesamesalespitch Breakingdownhoweach sectionofthefacilityoperatedandwhatitspurposewasandconcludedinanothermemorycareunit.Whileyoucouldhonestly never tour enoughfacilities to feel like you’ve made the rightchoice for your loved one, the flip side ofthatwas itbecame overwhelming.ThereIwasanditwasn'tevenformyparents,andIwascompletelystressedoutaswereachedthethirdand finalfacility.
Thisonedidn'tgraduallyevolvethewaytheothershad.Thisestablishmentwassolelyfocusedonmemorycare,sotheentire buildingwassecured.Itwasatwo-storybuildingwithalarge,gatedoutdoorspacebehinditwherethepatientswereescorted and supervised while they enjoyed the sun and foliage Carla, the director, took us into different group rooms where the patientscouldgoinandplayboardgames,orwatchmovies,minglewithothers,thoughthereweren'tmanyinthoseroomsat thismoment
“Themajorityofour patients areintheadvancedstages ofAlzheimer's or dementiawhichkeeps themtotheir rooms.For thosewhohavefamily,theyarewelcometovisitbutitisdifficultforthelovedoneswhenthepatienthasforgottenwhothey are Inmyopinion,” Carla paused for a moment, “Istronglybelieve it's importantfor their friends and familyto come often becausesomewheredeepinsidethere'salwayshopethatapartofthebraindoesrememberthemandappreciatesthembeing here Butevenso,manyseemtoenjoyhavingsomeonewatchTVwithorreadtothem Overall,justspendingtimewiththem, eveniftheydon'tknowwhoyouare,isstillappreciatedandmakestheirdaysabitlesslonely.”
“Wouldthedoctors herebeabletoproperlyassess mymother andseeifshetrulydoes fitintothosepotential diagnoses? And if she doesn't, would we thenbe able to either take her home or move her somewhere else that maybe a better fit?” Mitchellaskedher.Iknewhewasgraspingateverystrawhecouldtomakehimselfbelievehemadetherightdecisionandif forsomereasonitwasthewrongone,hehadtoknowthattherewasawayout Ijustwantedtohughimandmakethepaingo away.
“Absolutely Everypatientthatis broughtinis thoroughlyassessedandis closelymonitored Ifthis isn'tthe rightcare for your mother, we would immediatelynotifyyouand help youget her moved to a facilitythat matched her needs.” Mitchell visiblyrelaxedatCarla’sreassurance
“The hospital wants us to move her now. Theysaid since she's not speakingthere's reallynot muchtheycando for her becauseherinjuriesareminor.Doyouhaveabedavailableforhertomoveintotomorrow?”Mitchellasked.
Wefollowedherdownthehallandpoppedourheadsintoacoupleofemptyrooms Somehadmorethanonepatient,butall had a clear view of the outdoors. “The families and insurance carrier must approve the roomwhether it be a single or a double. Whenyoucalled earlier, we tookthe libertyofverifyingKate's insurance and her coverage allows her to have her own. The applicationofinterestyoufilled outatthe hospital was forwarded to us. It’s standard practice to reachoutto the carrierforverificationbeforehand,”Carlainformedus.Iwonderedhowsheknewthatansweralready.“Oncethecontractsare
signed, the hospital and her doctors will forward her medical records to us. The staff doctors will review and begintheir assessment.”
“Idon'twanttogettoopersonal or offendyou,butwe dooffer counselingsessions for lovedones dealingwiththis You wouldbemorethanwelcometoattendonesession,tensessions,ornoneatall.It’scompletelyuptoyou.They'reongoingand they'refree”I’ddomybesttoensureMitchell tookher uponthat Hell,Imayattendwithhim Imaybestrongnow for my friendbutlater,whenIwasalone,I’dloseit.Katewasasecondmothertome.
Mitchelltossedthestrawwrapperhe’dmercilesslytwistedaside.“WhatdoIthink?Ithinkthiswholefuckingthingsucks.” “Ifeelforyou,myfriend,Ireallydobutthat’samootpoint.There’snopositivetwisttothis,I’msorrytosay.Isthereany one facilityyouwantto rule out?” Iasked to move things along. Better to decide thandwell onthe negative. This situation wasn’tgoingtogetanybetternomatterhowwelookedatitandwecouldbothhaveourbreakdownslaterafterKatewastaken careof
“Honestly, the onlyone I’mconsideringis the last one. Not onlydid I appreciate Carla’s openness and honesty, but she assuredme ifitwasn’tthe rightfit, she’dhelp us findthe place where Mombelonged” I’d figuredas much Itwas the one placeMitchellactuallyaskedquestions.
“Good morning, Dad,” Igreeted himas Ientered his room. Iknocked first, ofcourse, to atleastalerthimsomebodywas thereinthehopeshewouldn’tlashoutifIsurprisedhim Knockingfirstwassomethingheremembered ToobadIwasn’t Not that he remembered me before the Alzheimer’s diagnosis so I can’t attribute being invisible to that. “How are you feeling today?”
choicewordsunderhisbreathandtriedtogetupfromtheeasychair.“Holdup,Dad.Letmehelpyou.” Ihelpedsteadyhimandassoonashewasupright,heyankedhisarmaway.“Icandoitmyself.” Gods, give me the strength to get through this day
“Lookslikeyou'regettinganewneighbor,Dad,”IsaidasIpokedmyheadintothehallwaytospyonthenoisenextdoor.He stared blankly at the TVand didn’t reply. I sat down beside himand turned it on, flipping through the channels to find a programIthoughthemightenjoy All toosoon,henoddedoffwhichsignaleditwastimeformetogo “Goodnight,Dad,I'll seeyounextweekend,”ImutteredasIleft.Assoonasthedoorclosed,Ileanedagainstthehallwalltocollectmyself.Some dayswereharderthanothers,suchastodaywas WhenIwitnessedfirsthandthemoodswingsincreasingastheywere,Iknew theuglydiseasehadprogressed.
“Do youguys need help movinganythingin?” Iasked, eventhoughwhatIreallywanted to do was putonmyonesie and crawlintolittlespace.Iwasmorethanreadyforanightawayfromdealingwithgrown-upHenry’sadultproblems. “No,thanks Thatwasthelastofit,”Jensenreplied “Sorryforallthebanging Weweretryingtogetherpictureshungsoit feltmorelikehome.”
Unexpectedly, Jensenpulled me into his arms alongwithMitchell The three of us stood inthe middle of the hall inan embrace.Itfeltgoodtobeheld.Especiallybythosewhounderstoodwhatwasgoingon.Howlonghaditbeensincethathad happened? Probablyforever None ofmyDaddies or hookups ever stayed over, or Ishould sayInever stayed over attheir places, so cuddlingand beingheld was a foreignact. Bringingsomeone backto myhouse wasn’tanoption. The thoughtof theminmychildhoodbedroomwhichIstilllivedinwastooweird,sowealwaysmetatneutrallocations
“Maybe another time Ithinka nightoutatCordes is whatIneed” Islapped a hand over mymouth, utterlystunned thatI sharedthatwiththem.Ihadn’ttoldanotherlivingsoulthatIwentthereorthatIwasintoageplay.NotthatIhadanyfriendsto telleitherway,buttorandomlyblurtitouttocompletestrangerswasn’tsomethingIdid Mitchellcuriouslycockedhisheadbutsaidnothing.Thatwasmycuetomakeahastyretreat.“I'musuallyhereonSaturday andsomeSundayafternoons.It'saftervisitinghourswhentheshopclosesduringtheweekandontheweekend,IhavehelpsoI scurryoutabitearlyandcomehere.MaybeifIrunintoyoubothagain,Icouldtakeyouuponthatdinneroffer?”Ihopedit stillstood.I’dhatetofindoutI’dmissedtheonlyopportunitywiththem.
I waved goodbye to the caregivers sittingat their stations as I walked past and made a mental note to bringthemtreats tomorrow.IreallydidappreciateeverythingtheydidforDadandallthepatientswhocrossedtheirthreshold.Theircaregiving knewnoboundsandwithoutthemthoseofuslivingwithlovedonessufferingfromthesediseaseswouldbelost
At home, I fixed a quick sandwich and ate and then fed Magpie and sat beside her, scratching between her ears to decompress Itsoothed me to runmyhands throughher fur, the steadypace had a calmingeffect Manya nightIfell asleep doingthis withMagpie onthe pillow beside me. She had her ownbed atop mine, but she preferred mypillows, and most morningsIwokewithheronmyhead.Sillykitty.Whilealoadoflaundrywashed,IshoweredandpackedmybagforCordes. AtleastIhadtheforethoughttocallaheadandreserveachangingroombeforetheywerebookedup
Onceinsidetheclubroom,Ipulledoutmyonesiewithtinyfrogsalloveritandheldittightlytomychestlikealifelineand drew ina few deep,soothingbreaths Islidintoitandsecuredthe snaps aroundmypull-up,teachingmyselfhow todothat wasquitethetrick.Irarelywentpottyinsidethemandpreferredthemtodiapers,butwhenIdiditwasbecauseI’dlosttrack oftime,submersedinplayingwithfellowlittles PleasedwithhowcuteIlooked,Igrabbedmyfavoritebinky,poppeditinmy mouthanddownthehallIwenttotheplayroom.
Theroomwasn'tbusyconsideringCordeshadbarelyjustopenedandIbeelinedittomyfavoritespot thefloormatwith the cityscape and the bucketofcars Buildingblocks had alreadybeenstacked inthe center and I’d decided to use themto createbuildingsandcrashmycarsintothem. Boom! They’dgodown.Iwasinacrashupderbykindofmoodtonightforsure. Again, Ilined up the blocks and placed the cars atthe startinggate Vroom, vroom, theytookoffracingdownthe path, and wound around the corner. Tires screeched as theynearlywrecked. “Ohno, that's not good,” I said aloud as theynarrowly escaped.
“Ah,yes.While I've nothada little ofmyown,Ihave beena Daddyandenjoywatchingthemplay.Can'tdenyhavingan interestinit,”Jenseneasilyadmittedasthoughwewerepickingouticecream “Whatthefuck?”
“Hey, just because it's not your kink, don't knock it for somebody else. To each his own and as long as it's between consentingadults,there'snoproblem Castingjudgment,that'swhereIdrawthelineandit’scompletelybeneathyou”Jensen’s scoldingwordsandDaddyvoiceputmeinmyplace,andIimmediatelyregrettedwhatIsaid. “Sorry I'mnokinkshamerandIapologize ThankyoufortellingmesomethingpersonalIdidn'tknowaboutyouandinall honesty, I've actuallyfelt the need to have someone inmylife to take care of, thoughI never considered it inanage play setting”MymindwanderedasIponderedhavingalittleofmyown WouldIhavetochangetheirdiaper?Iwasn’tsureI’dbe upforthat.
“Maybe,” he cleared his throat “Tonight, youmustconductyourselfnotas a kid ina candystore because trustme, you're gonnaseealotofflavorsyouhaven'tcomeacrossbeforethatwillmakeyourdickstandatattention.I'mwarningyou,keepit together”
“About?”Jensenpushed.Ishould’veknownhewouldn’tleaveitaloneandresignedtothefacthe’dpokeuntilhegotwhat hewanted.“Whatif,whatifHenry’sinvolvedinsome…actwithanotherpersonwhenweseehim?” Jensentookhistimereplying Wasitpossiblethisbotheredhim,too?WasheinterestedinHenryalso?God,whatwouldthat dotoourfriendship?Goingafterthesameguy.“Well,”hebegan,“there'snothingwecandotostophim.Theonlyproblemthat Iforesee,andmaybeit’snotaproblem,atleast,notforme,isthatwe’rebothinterestedinthesameguy Aren’twe?” “Fuck,how canthatnotbeaproblem?”Idrew inadeep,calmingbreath, where was this anger coming from? “Nobody's worthruiningour friendshipover sohow couldthatnotbecomeanissue?”Nothinggoodcouldcomeofthis Itwasbestwe turnedaroundandforgotsweetHenry,andhispuffycheeks,andpinklips.Thewayhechewedonthecornerofhismouthwhen hewasnervous.Shit,Iwasfuckedalready,andIdidn’tevenknowhislastname.
“Agreed Butwhatif,”Jensendrummedhisfingersagainstthesteeringwheel “Andplease,hearmeout WhatifHenrywas interestedinbothofus?”Heleftthatopen-ended what if hangingintheair,likedanglingtheproverbial carrot,butmybrain waschallengedindecipheringwhatthecarrotrepresented
“How wouldthatevenwork?Whatdoyoumean?Likeaduelingbattletothedeath?Seewhohelikesmost?That’llkilla friendship I’mnot willingto lose” I shook myhead, angry withthe entire situation “I’mnot fighting mybest friend over anotherhuman.Yeah,I'minterestedinHenry,andIcan'tdenythedraw,butI'mnotgoingtorisklosingyou.”
Jensen’s usual cheerydemeanor darkened.Ihatedmyharshwords thatcausedhimsadness andregrettedmysharptongue. “It’snothing Ignoreme ForgetIsaidanything”Hepulledin,parked,andexitedthecarbeforeIcouldgetwordinedgewise Great job, Mitchell. You are such an asshole.
Inmydefense,forgettingthebombJensendroppedwasn’tpossibleandIhadnoideawherehisheadwasat.Guessingwould onlylead me downthe wrongpath. This conversationwould happentonightcome hell or highwater. Whatwas Imissing? Whatwashehintingat?There’snowayhebelievedI’ddropit.Fuckno,thiswouldeatmealive,andthatfuckerknewit.
JensenandIcheckedinatthefrontdesk,theyaskedformyIDandscannedmydriver’slicenseintoamachinethatprobably told themeverythingaboutmyboringass life includingwhatkind ofcereal Ihad for breakfast. “Is there anypaperworkI need to fill out?” Iasked her and assumed she’d hand me a three-ringbinder based uponthe securitymeasures theyhad in place. Cameras inside and out and a couple of hefty men guarding the doors. These guys had to be related to the Hulk or intravenouslyfedsteroidsduringtheirbreaks.
“No, sir, as a visitor you submitted what we required for a single entrance online If you were to decide to become a member,wewouldthenemailyouthepackettofillout.Gentlemen,ifyou’llpleasehandmeyourphones.”Iside-eyedJensen, openly calling himout would likely result in our butts hitting the curb Without question, we handed over our phones and receivedaclaimcheckinreturn.
“Thankyou,”Ireplied,andleftitatthat Jensenopened one ofthe double doors thatled fromthe lobbyto the club, and Ifollowed himinside. “Whatwas thatall about?”Iwaitedtoaskuntilthedoorclosed.
“Asfarasthephonesgo,standardpolicyatanylifestyleclub Asfarasthepaperworkisconcerned,notonlyhaveIbeen your bestfriend for twentyyears, butIalso know almosteverythingaboutyou. Plus, ifyourecall, Ihelped youfill outthe documentsforyourmom”Jensen’sabilitytomemorizedetailsfaroutweighedmine Ihadprettymuchansweredhisrapid-firequestionswithoutquestionwhilewefilledoutthebible-sizedstackofpapersthe memorycarecenterrequired IwasbeyondthankfulforhissupportwhenIcouldbarelystringtwowordstogether “Youmean youknoweverythingaboutmelikeyou’resomesortofstalkerorsomething?”Iteased. Jensenleanedinandhisbreathghostedacrossmyneckashespoke.Isweareveryhaironmybodystoodonend.Whywas heaffectingmelikethis after all theseyears?“There’s areasonwhyImentionedHenrybeingwithbothofus This isn'tthe wayIplannedtotellyoubut…”Hepaused,andbothourheadsturnedinthesamedirectionasafamiliarbodywandereddown thehallwaybeforeus IfIwasn'tmistaken,itwasdressedinaonesiewithunicornslipperscarryingamatchingstuffie “Isthat…?”IaskedJensenandpointedtowardthehallwayhedisappeareddown. “Let's gosee.”Jensenplacedhis handatthesmall ofmybackandledus inthesamedirection,happyoneofus hadbeen herebeforeorwe’dlikelygetlost.
Chapter Nine
Jensen
Subtletywasnotmymiddlename,butIhadreachedthepointthatmyfeelingscouldnolongerbecontained.Ihadwaitedfar toolongtotellMitchellhowIfeltandwasafraidI’dblurtitoutinthebathroomwhilesittinginthestallnexttohim Howwell wouldthatgoover? Hey, by the way, I love you. I've been in love with you since freshman year of college. I’msurehe’dbe like, um, thanks Gonna flush now, and boltoutofthe bathroomwithhis pants still downand never lookback. I’d thrown dozensofhintsoutfromyou know Henry this and what if Henry wanted us andleftitopen-endedandwaitedforhimtakethe bait.Thetimehadcometohave the talk anditwasn’thappeningintherestroom. Butwhatifneither ofthemwantedme? Whatiftheywere onlyinterestedineachother? Fuck,thenMitchell’s fear would come to fruition. Seeingthemtogether, knowingIcouldn’tbe a partofthem…fuck, thatwould crushme. Iknew withevery fiberofmybeingtheyweremeanttobetogether,whichwasgreat,butinthatscenario,Iwasapartofthetrio,andwe’dthrive asatriad.AtrueDaddybynature,andwhileI'dneverfoundmyboy,orinthiscaseboys,IhadenjoyedeveryexperienceI’d hadwithvariousplaymates.Nonewerelong-termandI'dplayedwithalltypesandforthemostpartourtimetogetherended
