It was the one thingI wasn’t a failure at, but after two years without evenso mucha callbackand after thankfully survivingmytheatricaleducationonanicesizeabletrustfundfrommygrams,restinpeace,youwereloved,butyouwerealso araginghomophobe,soIputthemoneytorealgooduse.
JustrememberingIevenhadastep-brothermadeanirontasteinthebackofmythroat Hewoulddrinkthismedicinal shakes everymorning, and I did what nobodyshould ever do, and tryand drinkone of those without warning. It was like poison Allthosememorieswerebackatthatplace,andIwasnotreadytoconfrontthem
In the backseat of my small hatchback car was Dribbles. He was my French Bulldog, and he was called Dribbles becauseIcouldn’texactlycallhimanythingelse.Hedribbledallthetime,hiskissesweresloppyandanytimehedragfrom hiswaterbowl,heleftalittletrialofwaterbehindhim
Shaftdale, less so I’d alreadylined up somethingwiththe local theater there It was like off-off-off-off-three times removedfromBroadway,butitwasastage,andsomethingIcouldusetogetmyconfidenceback.
AcallcamethroughontheBluetoothinmycar Itwasmydad.
“Hey,” Ianswered, checkingout the shimmer onmyeyelids inthe rearview mirror “I’malmostback, about twenty minutesout.”
Parkingup inthe driveway, onwhat was one of the most beautiful lawns inthe neighborhood. I noticed something stickingout,likeaweedinthemidstofflowerbeds
Bryce.Hewasoutonthefrontlawn,flexinghismusclesinatanktopandaheavydumbbell.Sure,hehadthetypeof physique and muscles Iwould usuallyogle atifitwas a guyIsaw inthe club, butBryce The idea was sendingme into a borderlinerage.
“Hey step-bro!” he called out to me, laughing. “I just heard you were coming back. I don’t really see you until Thanksgiving You’reprobablynotusedtoseeingmenotlookingsojacked”
Irolledmyeyes,turningawayfromhim.“You’reajackass,”Igrumbled.“Ok.Iknowthisisgoingtobeabigchange foryou,”ItoldDribbles,“buttrustme,you’regoingtoloveithere Theyhavealotofoutdoorspaceforyoutoplayin Which means,I’llhavetoteachyouhavetokeepyourpawsclean.”
Itwaslikewewerebackinhighschoolalloveragain Regardlessofhow muscularhewas,Brycewouldalwaysgo runningto his momactinglike she didn’tlove me justas muchas him, and actuallyprobablymore, butonlybecause she’d neverlookedsogoodwhenIdidhermakeup
Inthe car, Itooka couple ofdeep breaths and tapped myshimmeringblue polished nails onthe steeringwheel. The colorbroughtouttheblueinmyeyes.Itwasaneasycompliment,andatthisstageinmylife,Irequiredalltheegoboosting.
Joanne was always puttogether. She wore pearls, cardigans and matchingskirts. She always had the smell offresh cookies onher. Ibelieve it was anoccupational hazard since she’d beena realtor before marryingmydad, and she baked cookiesconstantlyforheropenhouses
“It’sniceseeingyouagain,”shesaid,openingherarmsforahug.“Whenyourfathersaidyouwerecomingback,Iwas over the moon” Her hugs were always the best She kissed mycheek “You’re gettingthinner It’s fine I’ve made a large lasagna.YourfatherthinksImadetoomuch,butdon’tyouworry,I’msureyou’llfinishit.”
Lasagna was my favorite dish, lasagna night at the house was the best because there were always leftovers, and leftoversmeantmidnightsnacks,andsecondmidnightsnacks.
Before Icould pull backthe seatto reveal Dribbles, she’d alreadyspotted him. “This mustbe your dog,” she said.
“What a cutie. Oh my gosh. I have goosepimples. Feel.” She took my hand and placed it on her arm. “Bryce is already complainingtoyourfatheraboutthedog,butifit’savote,you’vegotmine.”
And that’s exactly why she should’ve been my mother, and my father should’ve been Bryce’s instead “It was unavoidable,”Itoldher.“Butwe’llkeepourdistancefromBryce’sdelicateissues.”Ichuckled.
“But but ”Brycecontinued,hiseyebrowsdoinggymnasticsonhisforehead “There’sonlyonebed” Sheshrugged.“It’sadouble,”shesaid.
“Onesideforhim,theotherforhisego,”Iremarked,theseverityofthesituationstillnotsinkingin.Iwasgoingtohave to share a roomwithhim. Dribbles was goingto be all up inhis business. This mightactuallykill him. “Where’s Dribbles goingtosleep?”
“We’ll have to take a raincheckonthe makeover,” Itold Joanne. “Ineed time to process and mournthe loss ofmy personal space.”IflickedbackfakehairbeforereachingintothebackseatandgrabbingDribbles.Hewasaweapontokeep Bryceaway.Atthesightofhim,Brycewentrunninginside,trippingovertheweightshe’dleftonthelawn.
Ryaninstigated it, everysingle time we ever argued, itwas all his fault, and thenmade me looklike a child Iwas twentysevenyearsold.Ishouldn’thavebeensoeasilyriledupbyhimandhisglossyfacelookinglikeaclown.Well,maybenota clown,buthis was heavyhandedwiththe blush.Iknew some ofthe terms frommyex-girlfriend,whoconvenientlywas the reasonIwasbackatmyfolkshouse.
ThisfeltlikeIwasgoingbackintimewhenIwouldgetangryenoughtopunchholesinthedrywall Thankfully,I’d progressedpastthat,Iunderstoodmyissues,andfunnilyenough,mostofthoseissuesstoppedexistingthedayRyanmovedto New York. Ionlyever had to see himat Thanksgivingand Christmas, it was perfect, because everythingat Christmas was perfect.ItwasSeptember.Ididn’tknowifitwasevengoingtobepossibleforustomakeittoChristmas.
“No,no,no,”Isaid,tryingnottoflipout.“You’renotunderstanding.Ican’ttakethem.Theymakemedrowsy.” Hestoppedwhathewasdoing,andtappedsomethingonhisphone Atimer “Takethematnight,”hesaid “I’mnotsure whatyou’re expectingto happen. We always talked aboutkeepingone roomfree justincase either ofyouneeded to come home.Theotherroomshavebeenrenovated.”
Hewasn’tevenlyingaboutthat I’dbeensoexcitedwhentheyknockedthesmallbathroomthroughthesmallerroomto installajacuzzitub.Iwasgoingtoneedavisittoittounwindanddestressafterthis.“Icansleepintheden,”Isaid.“Idon’t mind the sofa No Actually He can sleep in the den I need a flat surface for my back” I straightened it out almost a demonstrationofmyposture.“It’simportantformyphysique.Poorsleepwouldwreakhavoconmymusclesrepairinginthe night”
HestoodinthedoorwayasIcontinuedtolaylikeastarfishinthemiddleofthebed.“Youcansleepintheden,”Itold him “OrI’llgetyousomecushionsandyoucansleeponthefloor”
“Ok, drama,” he chuckled. “Work. But you’re gonna need a lemonand honeytea to lubricate the vocal chords after strainingitlikethat Imean,ingeneral,lemonandhoneyteaisgood,soI’dsuggestitanyway” Ithrewthepillowathim.“Shutup.Please.JusttellmewhatIdidtodeservethis.”
“Believe me, this is the lastthingIever wanted, butthis is all myfault,” he grumbled, carryingthe dogunder his arms. It looked far too happy to be salivating all that. It was gross. “I blew through all that money my grandma left. No
Staringathim, Iwondered whathad possessed himto tell me this. We weren’tfriends. Itmade mystomacha little funnywiththewayhewasconfidinginme “And?”Iasked “Iwaskickedoutbymy well,noex-girlfriend Ididn’thavea trust fund.”He’dalwaysbeensuchalittletrustfundbrat,evenasteens,hewasinsufferable.
“Jeez,” he said “Iactuallywas gonna throw Dribbles atyouas a joke, butdamn, you’re either goingfor a role ina reallysadmusical,oryourlifeisjustreallysad.”
“What kind of stupid name is that?” I grumbled. “And you know, if went into an allergic shock, or something, that wouldbemanslaughter,andI’dexpectthemtopresscharges”
He laughed. “That’s a reach. I’ve seen Legally Blond, I’m basically a lawyer,” he said. “You wouldn’t die. Your allergiesaren’teventhatbad Youwerejustalittlebitchgrowingup Iwantedoneofthosehypoallergenicpets,butyoupulled thebiggesthissyfit.”
Thatwasentirelypossibly,andhewassomewhatright Ihatedbeingcorrected Myallergiestoanimalsweremostly itching, sneezing, and puffy eyes, but all three together were dangerous. And the last thing I needed was to get sick. That would’vecrushedalltheprogressI’dbeenmakingtobulkmuscle.
Thisplaceseemedlikeaportal intoeverythingIhatedaboutmyself.Iwasquicktoangeroncemoreandmycortisol level,thatstressmeterwasgoingthroughtheroof Ididn’tknowwhyIwasdoingthistomyself Icouldjustgoandapologize, tell Jules I was getting a job, and that I’d changed. I didn’t have to put up with all of this. Except for the job part, my relationshipwithJuleswasprettygood.
Mymomappearedinthedoorway “Ok,soIwastalkingwithHarry,andwe’vedecidedthatthetwoofyou must get along,”shesaid.“Theonethingneitherofuswantafteryou’velivedawayinyourownlivesandspacealltheseyearsisyou thinkingyoucancome backand tryingto rule everythingagain Iknow Iwasn’talways someone to force rules onyouboth growingup,butIbelieveyou’rebotholdenough,andmatureenoughtodobasicthings,likesharingspace.It’seitherthis,or gofindsomeplaceelsetogo And no,you’renotsleepingintheden,eitherofyou Thosecushionsareforsittingon”
She’d never raised her voice atme before, well, other thanexcitedlyatmyfootball games, butnever ina waythat actuallygotthroughtome.
“You can take one now,” my momsaid. “And that’s another thing. I’mnot going to listen to your complaining, or arguing,soifyouhaveanyissueswitheachother,solvethematnormalspeakingvolume.”
Thatwasgoingtobeanissue,maybenotsomuchfor mebecauseIcouldtonemyvoicedown,butfor Ryan,hewas goingto have one hell ofanissue since his normal speakingvoice was loud, like he was talkingto people froma stage or
something. “I cando that,” I semi-lied. I knew it was possible, but I didn’t know how if it would happeninthheat of the moment.“JustneedtomakesureRyancanaswell.”
Iwould’ve said this was outofcharacter for him,buthe’dbeenintheater school or some bullshitliberal arts place longenoughforhimtohavecycledthroughseveralcharactersalready.
Immediatelyannoyed.Ididn’tunderstandawordother than rash.“Whatevs.”Ipulledthetanktopover myheadand threwitathim “Oops Ithoughtyouwerethelaundryhamper” “Dick.”
“Ididn’taskwhatyouateforbreakfast,”Isnappedbackinrecordtime Proudofmyself Heactuallybrokeasmile,thetensiononhisfaceeasing.“Justtakeashower,please.Theworldwillthankyou.” Iwaslookingforwardtousingsomeofmymom’sfancysoaps,itwasaguiltypleasure,theyalwaysleftmyskinfeeling super soft. But I didn’t want to looklike I was takingorders fromhim. “I was goingto take one anyway, before yousaid anything.”
Therewasbothaclosetandawardrobeintheroom Naturally,ItookthewardrobebeforeBryce’spea-braincouldmustera thoughtastowhyheshouldhaveit.Bythelooksofhisbelongingsonthebedroomfloor,Iknew hedidn’tcareifhisclothes were all just throwninto drawers. Most of mythings required beingplaced careful onhangers, or ingarment bags. And I alreadyhadthemothrepellanttomakesurenoharmcametomyprettythings.
“I gotta air dry,” he said “It’s better for the skin if it absorbs the moisture rather than me rubbing it away and potentiallycausingsomethingtohappentomyskin.”
WhenJoanne called us to dinner, I was half-waythroughunpackingand carefullyplacinggarment bags onhangers. Brycewasn’tintheroom,thankfully.Dribblesmust’vechasedhimawayasheslumpedatthedoorway,justasnoseyasme, withaneyeonanyonewhoapproached
Bryce was alreadyatthe dinner table. He wore a wrinkled grayishwhite t-shirtwitha staininthe center. Ileftmy snarkyremarktomythoughts,wonderingifthatwasevenclean,andheneededtoinvestinasteamerforthosewrinkles
“Ithoughtweweregoingtojusthavetheoneofyoucomingback,andIknowlasagnaisyourfavoriteRyan,”shesaid, placing the large glass dish in the center of the table “But having both of you home, it’s going to be an adjustment, and tomorrow,I’msuretomakesomethingyoulove,son.Like like ”
Ilooked to myfather before sayinganythingor pullinganexpression Ididn’twantto be the one gettinga lecture I didn’tneedtofeelanymorelikeIwasreturningbacktomyteenyearsthanhavingmyfatherlecturemeforsomething. “It’llbefine,”hesaid “Haveyoutriedswimming?”heasked “Thecountryclubjustopenedanamazingpool Iwent therealotwhenIwastryingtoloseweightanditdroppedoffme.”
“I’mnotreallylookingfor too muchcardio,” he said. “But Idon’tthinkwe’re evenonyour membership anymore. Y’know,sincewe’readultsnow”
Brycedidn’tseemtoknow whattosay,straighteninghisbackandnodding.Heobviouslydidn’twanttosaywhatwe were boththinking. There wasn’ta wayinhell I’d ever workatsomewhere I’d beena member like a countryclub. Itwas definitelyanelitistmentality,butitwasafeelingIcouldn’tshake.
Joanne came backwiththe garlic breadrolls Theywere basicallysoftbreadsticks covered ingarlic butter and then rolledaroundinathinlayerofparmesancheese.Theywereabsolutelydivine,andperfectfordippingthroughthelayersofthe lasagnatocollectthatsaucygoodness
“Harry,”shesaidsoftly “Idon’tmindthembeingback,aslongaseverythingiskeptcivil,andthere’snoarguing And wait.Where’syourdog?”
“Oh,Igavehimsomefoodandhe’supstairsinhislittledoggybed,”Isaid,mystomachgrumbledasitlookedonthe mountainoffood I’d plated. This was goingto be dangerous livinghere. Ina flash, Ididn’tsee a single salad for lunchor dinnerwhileIwashere.
Ihadn’tevencheckedinonsocialmediaaboutthemove Thedramaticthingwouldbetoworrymyfriends,butthenthe rumor millswouldswirl andspitoutinformationthatjustwasn’ttrue. Ryan couldn’t hack New York. It chewed him up and spat him out He’s a lost cause So awkward ButI’dactuallygrowna thickskinagainstcriticism Althoughitstung,itwas overintheblinkofaneye.
“It’llbeasecret.”Ijustdidn’twanttotalkaboutityet.Ididn’twanttojinxmyopportunityatgettingarole.Anyrole. Evenifthatrolewasofsomeonecleaningupbackstage,becauserightnow,Ijustwantedanyopportunity Beingaflamboyant gayshould’ve worked inmyfavor inthe theater. And sometimes ithad, butitwas always inthe swing, like you’d have to squintandthentakeacouplephotosbeforefinallyrealizingitwasmeonthatstage.
Itwasn’ttherefault,Joannehadmadeareallynicelasagna,itwasallanyonecouldputtheirmindto.Ifinishedeating, tryingnottoover doit.Istoppedthe momentmystomachwas like, hey, I’ll explode if you put anything else in me, which usuallymeantitwastimeforastrawberrydaiquiriasmydessertitem
She gave mynose a little boop withher pointer finger “I’ve missed our gossipytime,” she said “And Ihave some seriousteatospill.That’swhatyousay,right?Spillingtea.”
AsmuchasIdidn’twanttobeleftaloneatthediningtablewithHarry,therewasn’tanythingthatcould’vepreventedit Ryan andmymomwereinthekitchenblendingsomethingupandlaughing.
“Doyouhaveashirtandtie?”Harryasked.
“Uh I ”
“It’s fine ifnot, Ihave a couple,” he said. “I’mjustmakingsure youhave somethingfor the interview atthe country club”
Ididn’tevenhaveaninterviewforthecountryclubyet.“Well,I ” “I’msettingoneupforyourightnow,”hesaid,tappingawaywithasinglefingeronhisphonescreen Ifounditfunny how whenIwasateen,havingyourphoneatthedinnertablewaspunishablewithnocomputertime,butnow,itwasalmost likethatruledidn’tevenexist.“They’llknowyou’remystep-son,sohopethathassomesway.”
Or maybe it would’ve put a target on my back. But I wasn’t going to say that to him. There was an expression, somethingaboutbitinghands and scratchingbacks. Ididn’tknow, butitalways sounded sexual to me. “Ok,” Isaid, leaning backinthechair Ipressedahandagainstmystomach “I’mgonnaaskmymomifwecangetsomesaladsonthemenu” Helaughed.“Saladisn’tameal,”hesaid.“It’swhatyouputonthesideofameal.”
“Well, withboiled chickenbreast,” Isaid Iwasn’tsomeone who kepta trackofeverymacro Iputinmybodylike some ofthe people Imetonthe fitness circuit, butIdid like to know thatthe food Iwas eatingwasn’thidingunnecessary calories inthe sauce. Itwas the curse oftryingto fitinwithall the younger guys showingup onthe circuit, and a constant reminderIwasinmylate-twentiesnow
Ryanhad also remade the bed. We weren’t sharinga duvet, thankfully, and there was a divisioninthe middle with throwcushions Althoughitlookedlikehehadmorespace
Laidonmysideofthebed,Ilookedupattheceiling.
This roomhad beenmine, all ofit Inever had to share withanyone, ever Exceptfor sleepovers and stuff, butthat didn’tcount,theywouldsleeponmyfloor.
Ryanheadedtothebathroomwithanarmfullofproducts Ididn’tlook,butIstillmanagedtoseethedefinitioninhis legs once more and how theywentall the wayup. Iwondered whathis squattingregime was, and ifIcould’ve asked him withoutitsoundingweird
Iunderdressedwhilehewasoutoftheroom.Itwasn’tuntilIwasinmyboxerswhenIwasmadeawareofthemorning woodmakeitsappearance Itwasn’teventhemorning,butIhadjustwokenupafterthatminifoodcoma Quickly,Iclimbedup myduvetand keptbothmyhands straightdownthe side ofmybody. There was no wayIwas goingnear mycock, evento adjustitspositioninginmyboxers.
Ryan came back without his things and only in his briefs There was literally no where for my eyes to look as he walkedin.Iseemedstunnedonthespotashewalkedinandturnedthelightoff.
“Ohmygod, that’s it,” Isaid Inever thoughtI’d ever hear somethingcome fromRyan’s mouththatIagreed with I watchedhislipsastheymoved,wonderingwhatelsehemightsay.
“What’syourdream?”heasked “Mydreamistobeaheadlineonaproduction Thetheater,notTVorfilm,youdon’t getto see people lookatyouwithawe and admiration. That’s well that’s all Iwant.” He letanother yawnout, blowing mintybreathinmyface.
His eyes were reallyblue.Istaredintothem.Andsuddenly,myskinwas all tinglyandflush.He lickedhis lips and smackedthemalittle,sayingsomethingthatIdidn’thearfromtheheart-poundingsloshinmyeardrums Ikissedhim.
Myheartcontinuedtopound,onthevergeofacardiacepisode Ilookedupattheceilingagain,butallmymindcould see inthe shadows and stippled texture ofthe ceilingwere Ryan’s eyes, like two bigblue moons glowingatme throughthe dark.
“Mymetabolismisagodsend,”hesaid,openinghiseyes “Idon’tgethangovers Neverhave,andIneverwell” “Never say never.” I pushed up in the bed against the headboard. This time, my morning wood was really hard. It could’ve beenused to hammer anactual nail into wood. There was no wayIwas gettingoutofbed until this had deflated itself,andmyusualtrickofbustinganutwasnotgoingtohappen,notwhilehewasstandingthereononeleg “Yousnore,”hesaid.“Didyouknowthat?”
Plus, his reactionthis morningsaid itall. He ranoutofthe bedroomlike he’d pissed himself, and honestly, Ididn’t knowifhehadornot,butIwasnotgoingtobechangingthosesheetsagain.
His kiss infected mymind Ineeded a cold shower, or anice bath, maybe evento be cryogenicallyfrozenuntil they couldperfectprecisionmemorywipestostopmethinkingaboutthatkiss.
The shower didn’thelp atall, evenifitwas freezing. Ijustmanaged to keep thinkingaboutwhathappened, and my cock,almostinsurvivalmodetokeepmybodywarmwasevenharder.Whoeversaidacoldshowerworkedwasaliar.
Lastnight, I’d made a mess inthe bathroom. All ofmymoisturizers and facial cleansingproducts were scattered all overthesmallwoodenshelvingwrack,usedfortowels,butnowmyproducts AndBrycewasnotgoingtotellmeIcouldn’t doit.He’dkissedme.Ifitcametoit,I’dthrowthatinhisface. EverythingwasbetterwhenIwasmoisturized Aknockcameatthedoor.
Brycewasn’tinthebedroomwhenIreturned.IputonapairofshortsandanoversizedT-shirtsoIcouldtakeDribbles outontotheyardatthebackforhimtodohisbusiness Inmysliders,Ifollowedhimaroundtheyardashesniffedaroundatall the corners ofthe fence. Icarried mypinkscented poop bags. There was nothingworse thana dogowner who didn’tclean aftertheirdog.
“Isn’t it supposed to be good fertilizer?” Joanne asked, appearing on the back porch She was in a bathrobe and cradlingamuginherhands.“Howareyoufeeling?Ididn’tevenmanagetoturnthedishwasheronlastnight.Iwassurprised thetablewasevencleanthismorning”
Irecalled drunkenlyhelpingher withthe dinner table, and thenalso drunkenlyeatingcold lasagna like itwas liquid heaven,eachbitewasbetterthanthelast.“I’mfine,”Isaid.“Maybenexttimewedon’tgosoheavy-handedwiththerum.”
“That’s one wayto reduce the propertyvalue,” I noted, but she didn’t hear “It was fine,” I told her “Those throw cushionsmadeitfeellikeIwassleepingonasmallsinglemattress.Andhesnores.”
“Healwayshas,”shechuckled,takingthesteamingmugtohermouth “Igotintobed Yourfatherwasasleep Idon’t thinkheevennoticedme.Hewokemeupwhenhegotreadyfor work,butthenIwentbacktosleep.Itwas far tooearly.It remindedmeofwhenIwasinmytwenties.”
Everything inside the small town was sourced locally, so local talent, example, me should’ve been a shoe-in for something.Onthewebsite,Idownloadedthescriptsandsentthemtomyfather’sprinterinhisstudy.Aroom,supposedlyoffbounds,butitwastheonlyprinterinthehouse.
There was a Sweeney Todd production coming up, Cinderella, A Christmas Carol, and a bunch of really colorful animated morningperformances for children. IfIwanted to entertainchildren, Iwould’ve easilygottena job beinganover animatedteacher’saideordramateacher
“So,” Joanne said,catchingme comingoutofmyfather’s office withwads ofpaper.“Are yougoingtotell me what partsyou’reauditioningfor?”
“I’llletyouknowwhenI’vegotthem,”Isaid.Andundermybreath,acautious, if I get them.
“Well,Ialreadyspoke withElena nextdoor,she was sayingthey’re puttingona productionofSweeneyTodd,andI didn’t really get through that movie. I couldn’t really get past the blood and that woman selling people in pies,” she said shuddering.“Plus,it’samusical,andohmygosh,it’snon-stop.”
She pawed my arm. “Well, you have all of our support,” she said. “I can phone around and see if we have any connectionstothecommunitytheater.I’llmakesureeveryoneputsinagoodwordforyou.”
Iheadedtomyroomandsatthe papers onthe bed Preparationfor anauditionwas key Ididn’twanttogetintothe mindofSweeneyTodd,becausemurderwaskindafrownedup,evenifitwasmethodacting.Imusedtomyself,gigglingaway.
Fromone of mysuitcases, I had a memorybox It contained newspaper clippings and playbills, programs, anything where myname was mentioned. Ofcourse, mostofitwas fromhighschool and college, and thenevensmaller parts were listedfrommyprofessionalendeavors.
Thatkiss.Ithappened.Ididit.Andfuck,inthismoment,withmycockinmyhand,Iwaswillingtodoitagain.Ittook mymind ofall myother problems, butthis was a muchbigger problem And Iwasn’tsure ifIwas willingto make this my problemoverthemanyIalreadyhadpilingupontopofeachother.
Halfwaythroughputtingmyunderwear on, I almost did a Ryanand face-planted the bed “I’mcomingwithyou,” I shouted.Icouldn’ttrusteitherofthemtogetwhatIwanted.
“Also, since I’minthe front,” Ryanstarted, clearinghis throat. “I’mincharge ofmusic, and I’ve gotsome musical numbersIwanttoreacquaintmyselfwithfromSweeney Todd, Demon Barber of Fleet Street. ” Ishould’vebroughtmyheadphones
The doglaid its head onmythighs, it’s tongue directlydrippingsaliva onmyskin. Thankfully, I’d alreadytakenan allergytabletthatpromisednottomakemedrowsy
Ryancompetedwiththemusic,tryingtofindlouderthanit,moredramaticallythanit.Atleastthiswasafreepassnot to have to see him at the theater now. I’d already got a front row seat, and that was all I needed. He was talented, but obnoxiouslyso.
Itwasn’tmyfaultIdidn’tknowthenamesofhisfriends,orwhytheygaveoutawards Hedidn’tknowthenameofmy friends,whichwas a verysmall circle ofpeople Ihadn’tspokentoinmonths,some ofthemyears.Mostofus still livedin Shaftdale,buttheyallhadcareersandlives Maybethat’swhatJuleswastryingtotellme Myfriendshadprogressedintheir lives,andIwasjustthesameBryce.Nochange.
The lastthingIremembered aboutGraysonwas thathe was goingpro, or atleasthe was ontrackto go pro playing football Iglancedhimupanddown,noticingthewayheleanedonhisleg Thatwasatell-talesignofatornligament
“Isn’t that whenyoustarted takingtap dance lessons?” I didn’t reallyknow that for certainsince we weren’t stepbrothersthen,butithadbeensomethingIlearnedabouthimthehardway.Thosetapdanceshoesaresoloud.
“Itooktap, dance, and evena small stintdoingballet,” he said “ButthenIstopped inhighschool whenIfound the theater,ormaybeitfoundme,andthenmakeup.”Heshrugged.“Butpeopledefinitelyknewbeforeme.”
Mymomcame backwithher ticket “It’s gonna be a twentyminute wait,” she said “Butthey’ve gotplentyoffresh salmon.”Shecooedandsmackedherlips.“Whatwerethetwoofyoutalkingabout?Ihopetherewasn’tanyarguing.Please, notinpublic.”
“Nah,” Isaid, wrappinganarmaround Ryan’s shoulder. He letme. “We were justtalkingabouthow muchwe love kale.”
Oncewewerethroughcheckoutandbackinthecar,evenJoannenotedhow well-behavedthetwoofushadbeen It was the type ofcommentthatmade me wanttoactout.ButIdidn’t.Andinthe backseat,Bryce was evenstrokingDribbles behindhisear,helovedbeingstrokedbehindhisear
Did he remember what he’d done last night? Another questionIwas afraid to ask. He should’ve remembered, he’d beensober.He’dbeentheonewhokissedme.Itwasn’ttheotherwayaround.Ofallthethingsthatcould’vehappenedsharing abed,thatwastheworse.Thattookthetopspot,evenoverhimkickingmeintheback,orwakingmeupinthemiddleofthe night.
Therewasnoshowtunesonthewayback Iwastoobusythinking Thoughtswerenotmyfriends Theykeptbringing things up. Like how Bryce had thrownhis top atme, his smile, the wayhe’d changed behind me inthe mirror, and thenhis appearanceinthetowel
Was Iwrongfor looking? Itwasn’tlike we were related byblood. We were step-brothers. Sure, brother was inthe word, and we had beenfor like thirteenyears. That was halfof mylife. Ididn’t know if Icould pretend all ofthat didn’t happen Ithadhappened,anditwaspartofourexistingrelationship
“We can help you prepare for your interview too,” she said. “I bet Ryan’s had plenty of interview and audition experience.”
Brycelookedpained,almostliketheideaofspendingtimewithusforanevenlongerperiodoftimewasstressful But also a reminder thatwe reallynever spenttime together, ever. This was all new, and Iwas hopingnotto be around him. I didn’twanttokeepthinkingaboutwhathadhappened,andwithhisfaceinmyface,itwasallIcouldthinkabout
Sure. I’d beenlivingoffnoodles, buttheywere always MasterChefquality, sometimes withanegg, a little butter, a sprinkleofextraseasoning.SomethingGordonwould’vesquintedatmeandthensaidinhisbrashBritishaccent.“It’lldo,it’s notthebest,butedible”
Gathered in the large kitchen, Bryce has a sheet of paper with all the potential interview questions on it. Visibly nervous and stressed out, mutteringunder his breathas Idid the decentthingand played the soundtrackofthe musical from Spotifyinasingleearphone.
Mydadcame home andwalkedstraightintothe kitchentosee all three ofus workingtogether,choppingvegetables, stirringpots,andapplyingglazetothefreshsalmonbeforeitwentintotheoven.
Imighthave plugged mymusic into a Bluetoothspeaker and performed The Worst Pies in London, whichwas Mrs. Lovett’s song, and notthe partIwas activelygoingfor, butIdidn’tmind draggingup a little ifitmeantputtingonmyfaux Britishaccentandsingingaboutpies.
Boys. Somethingso infantilizingaboutthe word. Itmight’ve also contributed to whywe were bothregressingto our teen years again Adding to that, the mood swings, the fact we both had this horned up bodily autonomy that we could somewhatcontrolnowwewereadults,butitwasstillthere,andIsawitinhimnow.
Behind Dribbles was Bryce, muttering to himself still. He was in desperate need of learning to speak internally. I wonderedifhewasoneofthosepeoplewhojusthadablackvoidintheirmindratherthanamonologue.Itwouldexplainso muchabouthim
I wanted to say something about our current situation of living back home, but I was also in that situation, and I consideredmyselforganized,toafaultsometimes.“Askyourselfthis,whathaveyoudonethatconstitutesorganization?”
“MaybeI Icanhelpyouwithyourauditionnow,”hesaid “Ifthat’swhatyouwant It’snotsomethingIknow” We staredintoeachother’s eyes.Ididn’tknow ifhe was beingserious aboutthe offer.Ofcourse,runninglines was important,butonlyifthepersonknewhowtoreadlinesandgivesomethingtothecharactertheywerereading Again,notto offendBryce,buthewasn’tthetypewhocoulddeliveraline.
“Iknowwhatyoudidlastnight,”Isaid.Mybodyfrozeonthespot.Icouldn’tbelieveI’djustsaidthat.Ofallthethings thatcould’ve come outofmymouth, itwas the one thingI’d beenholdingbackand holdingonto all day Ofcourse, itwas boundtocomeout.
“I what?”hegulped,theloudclenchinhisthroatwasalmostdeafening Iblinkedathim,almostinMorseCode,ifIknewhowtodothat.“Lastnight,”Iwhispered.“Iknowwhatyoudid.And andIjustwanttosay I ”
Itdidthingstome.Butterflies.I’dneverfeltbutterflieslikeit.Theyhadmymouthdryandmytoestingling.Itwasthe sametypeofnervesIgotbeforeabiggame.Ididn’tknow how thishadhappened,twicenow,butatleastthesecondtimeit wasn’tmyfault
I stayed on the bed, sucking in deep breaths through my teeth. It was a technique I’d learned to stop myself from vomiting,becauserightnow,thatseemedliketheonlythingmybodywasequippedtodo Vomit
She was inthe kitchenwithHarry,theybothseemedconcerned.Maybe that’s the waytheyalways lookedandIwas onlynowtoseeingitontheirfaces,lookingforanyreasontofeelliketheyweregoingtoshoutatmelikeIwasakidagain
“Nothing,” Harry said “I was just seeing how you were getting on with those questions You know, they probably won’taskmuch,justmakesureyou’repolite,youknowhowtousetheirequipment,andstufflikethat.”
Hesnappedhisfingers “Joanne,there’sacoupleofshirtsIhaven’tworninyears,maybehecanpickthroughthemto see what goes with his blazer,” he said. “It’s a first impression with these guy, and it counts. You’ve already got the recommendationofamember.”
Fuck.We were goingtobe spendingtime together again.Alone.The shower was probablya better place thaninthe bedroom Butitwasstillgoingtobestrangeconsideringweweregoingtobetogetherinsuchclosequarters
“Youknow,youandRyanshouldexercise together,” she said.“You’re bothinterestedinthe same things,eatingyour greens,workingout,self-improvement You’re bothadults now,youshouldn’tkeepseeingeachother like youdidwhenyou wereteens.”
Ever since college, I’d been with Jules, and we’d lived together She supported me and my dreams, and I I now realizedhowmuchofabumIwasforlettingherdothatforme.
Intheir bedroom, mymomhad laid outa selectionofshirts and ties She’d also picked up a couple ofHarry’s old loafers.
“I actually have some boat shoes,” I said. “They’re smart enough. I think. It’s just the interview. I’m going to be workinginthegymwhenI’mthere They’renotgoingtoexpectmetocomeinlookinglikeI’mamember I’llhaveatanktop, shorts,sneakers,y’know,exerciseclothes.”
“Iknow,Iknow,butHarryknowsthoseguys Youneedtomakethatfirstimpressiononthem Andwhenyouwerestill onhis membership,youmade a couple ofrecords,remember.Youdidthe fastestlapinthe pool one summer,andyoucame thirdintheirtenniscompetition”
Thosewerehardlyrecords,butitwasnicetoknowshethoughtaboutthem.“Thatshouldworkinmyfavor,”Isaid. “Youshould’ve told me youwere struggling,” she said ina hushed tone. She satonthe edge ofthe bed. “I’msorry thingsdidn’tworkoutbetweenyouandJules,butIalwaysthoughtyouhadworklinedup”
Thatis the lie I’d told them. Havingthemtake over againwas somewhatofa fear. The waytheywould line up this interviewandI’dfeellikeIdidn’tgethereonmyownmerit “Itiswhatitis,”Isaid “I’vestillgotalotofgrowingtodo It’s almostlikeI I’mfindingmyself.”
The easypartwas done. Tomorrow was goingto be the hard part, and the challenge. Dread setinmystomach. The thoughtofbeingalonewithRyaninhiscarwasn’tsomethingIwantedtoentertain “Tempted,” Ryansaid as Iwalked backinto bedroom. He was satinfrontofhis makeup trunkinthe towel fromthe bathroom Hisdogsittingpatientlywatchinghim
Ishouldn’thavebeenentertainingthewayBrycelookedatme,almostlikehehadsomethinghewantedtoconfess He’dbeen lookingat me the same wayover the dinner table, and thenwhenever I caught his eye as he passed the sittingroomand I performedanothernumberforJoanne.Ijustwishedhewould’vecomeoutandsaiditalready.
Insome ways it was the same issues I was still havingwithBryce. He was still that same jock, gym-bro that he’d alwaysbeen Theonlydifferencewas,hedidn’thavehisfriendsatthehouseeveryevening
“Fine,” she said. “But whenI get a free weekend, I’mcomingto see you. Make sure you’re not sick. And youare confident You’reoneofthemostconfidentpeopleIknow You’llslaywhateveryouputyourmindto”
Were we reallyaboutto express our feelings? Ididn’tknow ifnow was the time, especiallyafter whathad already happenedbetweenus Thekissing,thestaring,andthefactweweresharingabed Maybeitcouldalwaysbecomeafacemask andhairbraidingsituation,althoughneitherofushadlonghair.Perhapsfriendshipbraceletsinstead.“Ok,well,mysituationis verydifferent,” Isaid.“Ihave a bigfriendshipgroup,andwe’re all inthe same line ofwork.” Ikeptouthow mostofthem werenowinbignationaltouringproductions,butIwashappyformyfriends
“Now, you’re the one people cheer for,” he said. “You’re the one people are goingto recognize. Once you’re onthe stageatleast.Ithinkyou’regonnakillyourauditiontomorrow.”
Iknew he was right We did bothhave the same parts Butthat’s whatmade itweird Mostlyonhis behalf He was straight.Seeinganotherdickforhimwasjustseeinganotherdick.Butseeinganotherdickformewaslikewatchingapieceof artbeingunveiledandseeinghowitwouldlookhard,orinmymouth,orbetteryet,howitwouldmakemefeelinside.There wasalottoadickthathedidn’tget.
“Well, I’mnot showingyoumine if that’s what you’re gettingat,” I grumbled, still lookingaway. His flaccid cock continued to force itselfto the frontofmymind Ididn’twantitto go anywhere, butIalso didn’twantitto be a dickthat belongedtohim.
“I’mgoing to moisturize,” I said. “My face is feeling dry.” I didn’t want himto finish that thought. My throat had becomedryattheideahewasgoingtobesleepingbesidemenaked.Notthatanythingwouldhappen,butmycockdidn’tknow that,anditwasdesperatetobeheard
Anoverwhelmingsense ofshame came over me like a weighted blanket, almostsuffocatinginthe wayithad me. I didn’twanttothinkaboutthis Ididn’twanttothinkabouthiminthatwayatall
The last thingI ever wanted was for Bryce to be onmymind like he was. I didn’t hate it. I disliked him, but only becausehedidthingsthatmademehatehim.Hehadn’tchanged,inallthistime.Itwould’veeasiertolikehimifhe’schanged.
