To Momand Dad, who when I couldn’t read as a child, found me a tutor who, despite my frustration and struggles, would not only teach me how to read, but who’d also instill in me a love for books and storytelling To Larry DiPalma for teaching me how to read To my husband, Doug, for encouraging me to pursue my dreamof writing, and supporting me even though I’d never earned a penny doing so And to my children, Rory, Reagan, and Riley who taught me about struggle, perseverance, deep-abiding love, and the truest meaning of the words: happily ever after Every word I’ve ever written, every book I’ve ever published is because of you
You insist on knowing my favorite flower, so that you can return and shower me with those blooms, and yet, how can you not realize, I do not need gifts or sonnets or the jewels you talk of gifting me I wish only for your return But as you persist, and I do not want you to believe me coy, I shall share It is
Over the years, LadyEllie Balfour had become veryadeptatcertainskills, none ofthemladylike: Swordplay. Pretend dying.Running.Hiding.
Usually,she’dbeenrunningand hidingfromherthankfullynow-deadfather,theheartlessDukeofSt James Atthisprecisemoment,however,shefoundherselfonthefringeoftheLeedspropertyforaltogether different reasons to avoidtheverymanyremindersofhowmucheveryonehatedher.
Strangers she could have dealt with. Her late sire’s cruelty, she’d even come ’round to accept. But now this vast list includedeveryonesheloved Fromherbrother,CourtlandBalfour,theDukeofSt James,tohisnewwife,Cailin Oh,noonesaidasmuch.
Granted, Ellie had onlydone so to help the couple hurryalongwiththeir affections, while atthe same time helpingsave herselfandherfamilyfromtheuncertaintyoftheircircumstances
Because since she’d been a small girl playing at military general, she’d welcomed the distraction Then it had been a distractionfromthefactherfatherdespisedherandcalledhera“freakofnature,”alwaysremindingEllieofhowuglyshe,in fact,was.
LieutenantAudleysmiled. He truly had a lovely smile.
“Yoursword,littlegeneral?” Hersword?
Ellieblinkedwildly.Hersword!
She quicklytookbackher weapon “Youknow somethingof fighting, lieutenant,” she said “Do youbelieve I’mskilled enoughtofaceBoney’smen?”Itwasaquestionshe’dneverhavetheanswertoherself.
All ofher siblings combined would have collectivelygroaned atthatqueryand pointed outa lady’s place inthe world. LieutenantAudley,however,consideredherwordsamoment “Someofthem,”heallowed.
Elliepuzzledherbrowandtouchedthefingersnotholdinghersabertoherchest.“You...wantmeto show you.” Hetenderedagentlesmile,anencouragingone “Thatisthepointofalesson,isitnot,Ellie?”
Normally, she’d rib Keir for referringto their brother, his twin, byhis title This time, she could onlyfocus onthe hope Courtlanddidn’thatehersoverybadlyafter “Hewantstobesureyouarestayingoutoftrouble.”
She wentall softinside. Her heartmelted and her tummyfluttered and fireworks exploded, and as she stared atWesley, Elliecouldn’tstopthesmilethatfeltsilly Shelovedh
Battingherlashes and blushing?Egads,thosewere both surefiresignsof“beinginlove” “I’mfine,”shesaidtightly,betweenclenchedteeth. Alas,herbrotherprovedunrelenting.
Grittingher teethall the harder, she yanked her gaze backto Keir, who continued to wipe awaydirt fromher face. She attemptedtodrawback,buthetightenedhisholdgently.
Mortifiedheattouchedeverypartofherpersonfromthetopofherhead,allthewayontothetipsofhertoes.Whenshe’d neverevenknowntoes could blush.Apparently,theycould...ifthehumiliationwaspowerfulenough.
Lieutenant Audley’s quiet baritone cut across the awkward silence “LadyEllie reallyis no bother” And spokeninthat firm,confidentway,therecouldbenodoubtingtheveracityofthatassurance.
“Youhavemyassurance,itreallyisnobother Infact,thelady” the lady Asin her “willbesparingmefromtedium” Courtland’snew brother-in-law inclinedhishead;asmileteasedatthecorner ofhisfirmlips,histhefirstmouthshe’dever notedofaman,andshewentallsoftinside.
Shecouldn’thelpit Asighslippedout
“Thatisgracious.”Keirbowedhishead.“Iwill,however,sendonEllie’snursemaidsoshecancollectherwhenyoutire of ”
I know I once said there was nothing more beautiful than a blue, cloud-filled sky I was wrong There is something far more magnificent knowing I share that sky with you Whenever I wish to feel closer to you, I just look up
Perched onthe window seat, her knees drawnup to her chest, Ellie shifted her focus fromthe rainslantinginsideways sheets uponthe pavement, a deluge thatlefther stuckindoors, to the couple curled up beside one another onthe green button-backvelvet-upholsteredChesterfieldsofa
Cailinlaywithher headonCourtland’slapandher legsflungover therolledarm,readingfromaletter,whileCourtland remained with one hand stroking the top of his wife’s head, and the other holding whatever title it was on fossils that so fascinatedhimandCailin.
But Ellie had been obliged to acknowledge one sad truth her relationship with the pair had been forever altered Followinghis marriage, and the pained lecture he’d doled out after he’d learned the truthabout Ellie’s involvement inhis ruination,he’dstoppedjoiningherinhergameplay,andinstructedhertoceaselookingattheworldasabattlefieldplanthere forEllietoarrange
Andthatprovedthegreatestregretofherlife.
It shouldn’t matter. Ultimately, inthe end, all childrenwere forced to hangup their scabbards and put awaytheir wood pistolsandswordsandswapthosepretendgamesforallthatcamewithreallife.
Absently,Ellietracedafingertipoverthewindow “ . . . what is it, love? You’ve those frown lines you get here,” Courtland was saying as he touched the place between Cailin’seyebrows.“Whenyouareupset.”Withthosequietmurmurings,hiswordsrevealedanintimateknowingofthewoman he’dwed,andElliefoundherselfmorethanhalflongingforthat
“NotthatI’mafraid ofstorms,” she blurted. “I’mnot.” Exceptthatwas a lie. “Thatscared. I ” You are rambling. Stop rambling. You are not a rambler. Anythingbut.Ellieclearedherthroatnoisilyand,leaningdown,rescuedherbook.“I haave it!”sheexclaimedneedlessly,andthenpromptlycringedinside Snappingthepagesopen,shequicklybroughtthevolumeback intoplacebeforeherface.
Dedicating all her attentions and energies on her book, Ellie made a show at reading; all the while, her ears remained keenlyfocusedonthepartsandpiecesofthediscussionherbrotherandCailinhadresumed.
The latest changes,becausewithCailinincreasinginpregnancyandqueasyfromit,everymealwasconstantlychanging. AsCailincametoherfeet,sheofferedawaveandsmiletoEllie,whichshequicklyreturned.
“WhowasCailinspeakingabout?”Ellieaskedafterhersister-in-lawhadgone,andsheandCourtlandremainedalone. Hereldestbrotherglancedoverthetopofhispagesandlookedconfusedlyherway Be breezy. You are breezy. “Thewomanwhoisnotwritingthelieutenant.” Courtlandscrubbedahandoverhismouth.
“Shealsohappenstobetheyoungwomanwhourgedhimtogotohisfather,theDukeofBentley,sohecouldmakeabetter life for himself.” Her brother’s jaw hardened. “A better life, which in her mind included wealth and land, and attaining everythingshecouldthroughhis commissioninthearmy.”
Painknifed awayatEllie’s heartthis time for unselfishreasons: because ofthe hurthe knew, and all for a womanwho couldn’tappreciateWesleyforthemanhewas.
None of your affair. None of your affair. None . . . Ofitsownvolition,hergazesliddown,landingonthatfoldednote.
Good, a personcould notread a folded note The onlywayto do so would be to pickitup, and openit, and well, Ellie certainlyhadmorethanenoughrestraint. Or...shethoughtshedid.
I write this missive hoping to find you and Courtland and your unborn babe are each faring well I ameager for the day I return, and hope it is one day soon where I amable to see your expanded family
You must forgive me for the delay in my writing My father discovered your notes My only course, our only course, is to send our correspondences through a location where they’re sure to not be discovered
Chapter2
LONDON,ENGLAND
NORTHBANKOFTHETHAMES
TWOYEARSLATER
I do not want you to worry after me or about me, or my undying love or regard for you My only want, my only wish, is for you to focus on the battles you are fighting, so that one day, you may come back to me
Itwas living aftersustainingthoseinjuriesthattrulychallengedaman
Onemightaswellbedead.Forpeopledidn’tspeaktoyou.Theyspokeaboutyouandoveryou.ItmatterednotthatWesley had risen frommere lieutenant to captain, commander of his own forces. Or that he’d placed himself between Wellington, savingthegreatcommanderinchief’slife
Whena manfell inbattle, and lost the use of his limbs, he became useless to society Those downed warriors became brokenobjectspeopleeitherignored,orworse,soughttofix.Neveroncedidthosepeoplebothertoseekthesoldier’sinput. Nay,menmarchedtowaraspowerfulwarriorsandreturned intheeyesofall nothingmorethanafeeblechild. Perhapsthatwasbecausetheyknewiftheyaskedeverymanwoundedinbattle,they’dorderyoutoletthemdie,insteadof facing... this.
Wesleywasn’taltogethercertainonthatscore.He’dbeenunconscious,andwhenhe’dawakenedhadbeentooriddledwith paintodoanythingmore thangroanor moan.Whathe was certainofwas he didn’twantto take questions fromthe damned emissaryhiscowardofafatherhadsent
“Your father, the Duke ofBentley, sentme,” the mansaid once more. “Myname is Dr. Monroe. Youwere injured onthe fieldsofBrussels.Doyourememberasmuch?”
“WearegoingtomakethejourneytoHisGrace’sLondontownhouse Iexpectgiventheextentofyourinjuries,thecarriage ride will bringyougreatpain” The doctor spoke matter-of-factly, dolingouthis words aboutthe plans for Wesleyand his conditionthewayhemightdeliverascientificlectureonsometedioustopic.“Therefore,wewilltakethejourneyslowly.”
Drained of energy, Wesley squeezed his eyes shut more tightly and curled up into himself, taking himself out of the discussionwiththedoctor.TherecamethesmallestofmerciesasthedoctorceasedpepperingwordsandquestionsWesley’s wayandturnedthembackonthemenwho’doverseenWesley’scare
Whatwas the alternative? To tip the litter and dump his brokenbodyonthe hard cobblestones? Ifhe’d beencapable of stringingtogetherasemblanceofwordstomakethatqueryaloud,hewouldhave Asitwas,hemanagedonlysilence.
Whenhe’dbeenawayfighting,he’dsustainedhimselfwiththe idea oflivingsothathe mightagainfeel those warmrays bathe his face andtanhis skin He’dimagineddoingsowithClaire’s headuponhis lap,as he readtoher fromthose books she’dquotedinherletterstohim,eachnotealifelinetoafuturehelongedtoknow.Untilthelinehad,forasecondtime,been ripped asunder, and he’d had nothing more than a final note, and only silence from her this time, that silence had been permanent
Alongthetrekfromthewharfandduringthejourneyintheduke’scarriage,Wesleymovedinandoutofconsciousness Slumped along the side of the conveyance they’d come and collected him in, Wesley pressed his forehead against the window,thefabricofthecurtainscratchyagainsthischeekandbrow,aviciousjuxtapositionoftheagonythatracedalongthe lineofhisjawfromwhereaknifehadcuthim
Underthebandagewoundabouthishead,hisskinthrobbed Wesley squeezed his eyes shut as the conveyance bumped and swayed along the uneven country road. Every jolt to his twistedlegsenthisstomachrevolting.
The general festiveness thatusuallyaccompanied suchgatherings betweenthemhad beenreplaced bya darkpall, as the Balfours, this time, joined the Audleys in a show of support After all, Ellie’s brother Courtland had married the Duke of Bentley’sdaughter,joiningtheirfamiliesasone.
This time,noonewishedtobehere.Atleastnotforthereasonsthatsawthemassembled Ellieincluded. Sandwiched betweenher elder sisters, unmarried Hattie and just recentlymarried Lottie, ona prettysofa, Ellie glanced aroundthesolemnroom.
Itwas the firsttime since her brother had married CailinthatEllie had ever feltthatwayabouta visitto this particular household
Fromthe whispered conversations she’d shamefully listened in on several weeks ago, Ellie had gathered that Wesley’s injurieshadbeensubstantial...andhadalsocomearoundthetimeElliehadstoppedwritinghimletters.Morespecifically, writinghimlettersasanotherwoman.
It is my fault it is my fault
This is whather wickedness hadwroughtthis time.After Miss Sparrow stoppedwriting,Ellie pickedupdoingsointhe otherwoman’sstead.Witheverynote,she’dletWesleybelievehistruesweetheartwastheonestillpenninghimnotes.
She’d soughtto assuage the guiltather deceptionbyremindingherselfWesleyfound hope and a reasonto live fromher letters he’daboutsaidasmuchinhisreturnmissives.
Almost simultaneously, everyone found their feet. The duke led the charge, with the duchess flying fast beside him, impressivelykeepingupwithhertallerhusband
“Hullo,”shesaid,hervoicesofaintshewasn’tsureifshe’dactuallyspokenthatgreeting. He glared at her; the coldness in that agonized gaze knocked her back on her heels, and she automatically took a step backwardtoescapeit.
“Isaid, leave me alone!” Wesleythundered. “All ofyou, justletme be.” He thrashed his head backand forth, shouting, cursing,andEllieprovedacoward,becausesheretreatedseveralsteps What did you think? That upon seeing you, he would have hopped to his feet and recognized you as the woman who’d written him, and be miraculously cured?
ButthenWesleyclosedhiseyesoncemoreandceasedhisshoutingandcursing.Therewasaflurryofmotionasservants rushed forward, and anofficious-lookingmanwithwire-rimmed spectacles hurried alongbehind, and Wesley, once strong, powerful,indomitable,andsmilingWesley,wascarriedabovestairs.
What if you’d continued writing . . . What if you were the one to pull back home, and in so doing, distract his attentions from where they truly belonged on fighting?
You will think me silly, but I abhor fishing Something about seeing that hook stuck in their mouths makes me hurt for the pain they endure for nothing more than our own pleasures
Besieged withequal parts fear and equal parts uncertainty, Ellie hovered there. The momentEllie had leftMrs. Porter’s someeightyearsago,she’dvowednevertoreturn Betweentheremnantsoftheagonyknownatthewoman’scapablehands, coupledwiththememoriesoftheoldhorrorsthathadbroughtElliethere,she’dwantedtokeepthatdayandthisplaceburied inthefurthestrecessesofhermind.
Itwasn’therplacetobehere
Sheknewit
Sheknewitbecauseafterinterferinginherbrother’scourtshipofCailin,andseeingthewayhe’dlookedatherafterhe’d discoveredhertreachery,Ellievowedtoneveragaininterfereinanyone ’ s life. Thistime,shehadtobreakthatpromise
It is the Lord It is the God you ceased to believe in reminding you he is, in fact, very real, and that he is also very, very displeased with you for proving wicked once more Stop it.
Her being here this was different For surely it didn’t count as an interference if she were here to undo a previous interference?
Withhergaze,Elliefolloweditspath,onward,backtowardherfamily’swaitingcarriageattheendofthestreet Anditwas likelythe Lord’s hand atworkonce more, urgingher to getherselfbackto thatconveyance and awayfromthe steps ofthe buildingshe’dnoplacebeingnear.
Another bolt of lightning illuminated the sky so dark it might as well have been night, followed close by a crack as somethingnearbywasstruck,andstruckloudly.
Ellie followedthe bonesetter over toa pair ofprettycarvedwoodside chairs.Theywere positionedthe waytheymight havebeeninanyformalparlorforentertaining Onlythiswasn’taplaceforsimplemeetings Ellie skittered her gaze abouta roomshe’d onlybeeninonce before Justlike that, itall came rushingbackto her: The agony.Thescreams.
Sweatpoppeduponherskin.
“ Please, do not kill me ” Ellie begged through her tears
“I am not killing you. I am saving you. I know it hurts. Bite down on this. You may also scream around it.” “Beautiful,aretheynot?”
The smilingwomanbefore her stared patientlybackbehind her wire-rimmed spectacles. Evenas a small girl, Ellie had recognizedinherthemannerofapersoncapableofputtinganothersoulateasebyherownself-possessionandcalmness “Mrs Porter?”Ellieasked,searchingforsomehintofwhatthebonesetterhadbeentalkingabout “Theflowers,”theotherwomanclarified.“Theyareasymboloffriendship,joy,andnewbeginnings.”
I am speaking to her about the weather. Aside from rain and fog, it was the most typical English thing in the entire kingdom.
Theydidn’tspeakforseveralmoments
Acozyfire burned inthatmetal grate, radiatinga softwarmth;itdid little to ease the chill. Over the years, there’d been moretendertouchesgiventothisroom.Afreshcoatofpaint.Newerfurnishings.
Another shiver glided along her spine, and unbidden memories slipped in, dragging her back, her late father’s harsh admonitionsbeatingagainstherbrainlikeawell-playeddrum.
“My God, you defiant, vile chit . . . if you weren’t cast in Eve’s image, I don’t know a rotted female soul more wicked than you ”
“Goneontohellhedid,atlasttojoinalltheotherwife-anddaughter-beaters” Thebonesetterspokewiththevitriolofonewho’dknownfirsthandsuchsuffering. Ellie glanced aboutatthe modest, surprisinglycheerful-lookingroom. Memories againtugged atthe corner ofher mind, darkthoughtsthatthreatenedtodragElliebacktoadifferenttime,butthissameplace “ it’s going to hurt, lass I will not lie to you ” Thenhadcomethescreams.Ellie’sscreams,whichpealedaroundhermindandthisoffice. Shedrewinanothersteadyingbreath.“Itisnotme.”Thistime. Itwouldneverbeheragain
“Hiskneeisbentatagruesomeangle,leavinghisentirelowerlegdeformed,”shesaid,herheartachingassherecalledthat daylongagointheduke’sforestwhenWesleyhadschooledheronhowtohandleasword Howeffortlesslyhe’doncemoved Elliecontinued.“Heis inagreatdeal ofpain,”shesaidas her mindrecalledthefirstglimpseshe’dhadofWesley his scarredfeaturesravagedwithmiseryandpain.
Ellie’s gaze locked on that familiar small container the bonesetter pressed against her mouth, and once more, the past knockedawayatEllie’smind,suckingherback,recallingthatcoldmetaltouchingherownlipsrightbeforeMrs Porterhadset toworkon
This wasn’tjustanyperson This was WesleyAudley The duke’s beloved sonwho’d once smiled and laughed and been charmingandkind,andnowhewasdark,angry,brooding,androaredeveryoneaway.There’dbethematterofconvincingthat mantovisitMrs.Porter.
Only
“I...don’tknow how toexplainmyknowledgeofthisplace,”shefinallymanagedtosay,directingthatadmissiontothe dustywoodfloor.“IfIdoshareitwithhimorhisfather,therewillbequestions.”
Hersiblingshadnevergleanedtheextentofthehorrorsvisiteduponher Theyhadn’tknownherhorrific fall thatdayhadn’t really beenafall.Rather,ithadbeenabelovedgovernesswho’dwhiskedherofftoMrs.Porter...onlytobesackedbythe dukeforhavingdoneso,againsthiswishes,andreplacedwithacruelwomanwithastreakofmeantorivalEllie’sfather. Shefeltthebonesetter’seyesonher.
Theyweren’tallbad.ElliehadonlyeverknownkindnessandlovefromherbrotherCourtland,andKeir inthewaythat he was bestable toshow emotion She’dalsodiscoveredfor the firsttime,inthe Duke ofBentley,thatnotall fathers were bastards Butnotallbaddidn’tmeanallmenweregood,andshe’dbeengivenenoughreasontoneverentrustherselfandher futuretoanyone.
