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PLAYING FOR HER AWearsideStoryNovella EllieWhite EWhitePublishing Copyright©2024ElizabethWhite
PLAYINGFORYOU
Copyright©2024ElizabethWhite Allrightsreserved
Thisnovelisaworkoffiction Names,characters,placesandincidentsareeithertheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously Anyresemblanceto actualpersons,livingordead,businessestablishments,eventsorlocalitiesisentirelycoincidental
Nopartofthisbookmaybereproduced,orstoredinaretrievalsystem,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronic,mechanical,photocopying,recording,or otherwise,withoutexpresswrittenpermissionoftheauthorandpublisher
Imprint:EWhitePublishing
Editing:AimeeWalker
CoverDesign:EllieWhite-ImageCopyrightPurchasedfromCanva
TitlePage
Copyright Dedication
AlsobyEllieWhite
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen
ChapterTwenty
ChapterTwenty-One
ChapterTwenty-Two
ChapterTwenty-Three
Epilogue
ComingNext
AlsobyEllieWhite
Acknowledgements
AbouttheAuthor
CONTENTS Copyright © 2023 Elizabeth White
This novel is a work of fiction Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or localities is entirely coincidental
No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the author and publisher
Imprint: E White Publishing
Editing: Aimee Walker
Cover Design: Ellie White - Image Copyright Purchased from Canva
ALSOBYELLIEWHITE StandaloneNovels
Love&London
LoveintheWings
AWearsideStory
Book0.5-PlayingForYou(AWearsideStoryNovella)
Book1-PlayingForHer
Book2-PlayingForReal-April2024
RomanceRedefined-Novellas
ARomanceForChristmas
TheRomanceRetreat-July2024
Untitled
CHAPTERONE Natasha Forthefourthtimeinsixty-sevenminutes,theopposingteam’sstarstrikergoesontheattack.Shekeepstheballcloseasshe weavesherwaythroughmydefensivelineandmeresecondslater,whenherbootconnectssharplywiththeball,shefiresit straighttowardsthebottom-rightcornerofmygoal
Withoutasecondthoughtformyownwell-being,Idivetothegroundwithmyarmsoutstretchedinanattempttoclaw backsomedignityinthismatch.Theballbarelygrazesmyfingertipsasithurtlespastme,hittingthebackofthenetwiththat all-too-familiarswoosh,leavingmeredfacedandcoveredinmudandgrassfromthedrizzledrenchedpitch.
“Fuck!”Rollingovertomyfrontandupontomyknees,Ipoundmyfistshardintothegrasslikeatoddlerhavinga tantrum Icurseandyellandscreamintothemud,slappingmyglovedhandshardtothegroundtopushmyselftomyfeetwitha growl
Ouroppositionareunderstandablyelated,celebratingloudlyastheirfanscheerinunison.
Onoursideofthestadium,ourfansareeerilysilentastherainfallmirrorstheatmosphere.Manyfanshaveleftalready, leavingvastemptyspacesinthestands,andIdon’tblamethem,thisisthelatestinalonglineoflossesforWearsideWomen.
“Pullittogetherandcommunicate,comeon!”ourteamcaptain,Brooke,shoutsacrossthepitchtoourdefence.“Keepit tightandclosethegaps!We’rebetterthanthis,girls!”
This is embarrassing,thevoiceinmyheadscreams Pathetic Useless Talentless
“Ha’way,Lasses!”Iclapmyhandsloudlyandtrymybesttokeepsomeofthatteamspiritourcoachalwaysbangson about.
Fakeit’tilyoumakeit,that’swhattheysay,right?
Your parents are right Thestatementinmyheadjoltsme Failure, failure, failure
Thecoldrainfallsinlargerdropletsnow,splashingonmyface.Mybreathscomefastandharsh,leavinglittlepuffsof steamsuspendedintheair.
Ican’tdothis.
Awhistlefromtherefsignalsforplaytocontinue,butIcan’tbringmyselftotakethegoalkick.Instead,Istandwiththe ballinmyhands,resolveweakeningasallthefightevaporatesfrommybody,leavingonlynauseaanddisappointmentinits place
“Comeon!”oneoftheoppositionteamshoutsatme.“Stopwastingtime!”anotheradds.
Ilookatthemallwatchingmeexpectantly,andthentotheballthatIletdroptothefloor Confusionripplesacrossthe pitchfrombothsides.
Raisingmyarm,IsignaltothedugoutthatIneedtocomeoff,andamomentlater,myfeetcarrymefromthepitchand intothedressingroomshowerswhereIsitunderthestreamofwarmwater,fullyclothedwithmyheadinmyhandsforthe remainderofthematch
BrookeDavisonismybestfriend Shealsohappenstobemycaptainandteammate,andthismeanssheusuallybearsthebrunt ofmybadattitude Todayisnodifferentaswesitsidebysideonthewoodenslatsofthebenchinthedressingroom Oureyes areclosed,butonlyherbreathingisevenandsteadyaswe‘meditate’.
“Natasha,”shesaysinhercalmandsoothingvoicethatIequalpartsloveandhate,“breathewithme.Yousoundlike theBigBadWolfhuffingandpuffingandblowingfootballstadiumsdown.”
“Thisisn’tworking,”Irespondthroughgrittedteeth.
Iopenoneeyeandsneakapeekather Herprettyfaceissoftandrelaxed,unlikethefrowndistortingmyfeatures
“Closeyoureyesplease,Natasha,”shesays,hertoneniceandcalm “Howdoyoudothat?”
Shedidn’tevenopenhereyestolookatme.“Icanfeelyouglaringatme.”
Isilentlymockher,mouthingherwordssarcastically.“Icanfeelthattoo.”
“Fine”Iclosemyeyesandshakeoutmyarms “I’mready,let’sdothis”
“Okay,listentomybreathingandmatchmyrhythm”Idoasshesays,breathinginandoutinaslowrhythmand gradually,mymusclesdobegintorelax,whichisannoyingbecauseIdidn’twanthertoberight.“Letgoofthepast.Youcan’t changeit,butwecanlearnfromit.”
“Okay,Raffki!”Isnortandsheflicksmythigh.“Ow.I’msorry,butthisisstupid.”
“Thenyouneedtofindawaythatworksforyou,becausewhateverthisis” shegesturesinmygeneraldirection “isn’thealthy”
“I’mtoooldtochangenow,toolonginthetooth”
“You’retwenty-six!”shesaysindisbelief.“Natasha,I’mserious.I’mnotgoingtoaddresswhathappenedwithyouout therejustyet,I’llgiveyouafewdaystogatheryourthoughtsfirst,butIneedyoutoknowI’mworriedaboutyou.”
“Honestly,I’mdone,”Ilie,andsheknowsit.
“Todayisn’tallonyou Wehadabadgame,weallmademistakes,andthisisourtimetoreflectonthatsowecan moveforward”
“Davison,you’reup,”PhysioPhillipacomestomyrescuewhenshecallsacrosstheroom,lettingBrookeknowit’sher
ShepatsmyshoulderbeforesheheadsofftotheicebathandIsulkforalittlewhileonmyown.Itrytobreathelike Brooketaughtme,butjustasIfeelmymusclesrelaxingagain,theintrusivethoughtsreturn.
CHAPTERTWO Luke “I’veorganisedtheplantstogethertomakeiteasierforyou,”mysisterHannahsaysthesecondIwalkthroughthedoortoher open-planriversideapartment.NaturallightfloodsthroughtheFrenchwindowsleadingtothebalcony.
“Hey,Luke,lovelytoseeyou Howareyoudoing? Oh,I’mfantastic,thankssomuchforasking Youlookgreat, bro Thanks,sis,IhadmyhairandbeardtrimmedthismorninglikeyoutoldmetobecauseyousaidIwasstartingtolooklike Bigfoot,”Iconversewithmyselfsarcastically,butshepaysnonotice.
“Mmm-hmm,great.Theseplantshereneedwateringonceaweekandspritzingwiththesprayinthemorningand afternoon.”Shepointstoanumberofpottedplantscrammedontothekitchenwindowsillandfixesmewithasternlook, checkingI’mlistening “Rotatethemdailysotheygrowevenly”
“Gotit”
“I’veorganisedtheirfood,”shecontinues.
“Food?They’replants.”
“Plantsneedfood.Orchidfood,rosefoodandeverythingelsefood,”sheinstructs,pointingtothebottleslinedupon herclutteredbookshelf.“Don’tworry,I’veleftyouabinderwithinstructions.”
“Wonderful Now,don’tyouhaveaplanetocatch?”Iclapmyhandstwiceinencouragement
“Don’tforgetStanley,he’sonthebalcony,”sheaddsasshepullsonhercoatandrucksack “You’venamedthem?”
“Yes,theyallhavenames.They’rewrittenonthelittlelollysticksinthesoil.”Ofcourse,theyallhavenames.“Okay. I’mready,”sheaddswithasquealofdelight.
Ihaulmysister’sbackpackdowntomycarandplaceitintheboot She’sheadingtoAustraliaforthreemonthsto conductresearchintohermaster’sinsportspsychologyandisleavingmeinchargeofherflatandher babies, akaherplants
Hertripcouldn’thavecomeatabettertimeforme.Isoldmyhousetomoveintoabiggerone,whichisn’tquiteready yet,andbythat,Imeanit’sstillabuildingsite.So,insteadofpayingforahotelforthreemonths,I’mmovingintoherflatin Sunderlandcitycentre.It’sawinwinforbothofus.
It’smid-morningwhenIdrivehertotheairport.Luckilythetrafficisn’ttooheavyandwemakeittotheairportwith plentytime Weheadstraightforcheck-inandthenStarbucksforonelastcoffeetogether
“You’regoingtobeokay,right?”sheasksasshepourssugarintohercupandstirs,hereyebrowsknittingtogether
“You’retheonegoingofftoanothercountry,I’llbeintheexactsamespotyouleftmeinwhenyougetback.”
“That’smyworry!”
I’magamer.IprogramanddesigngamesspecificallyforPlayStationandXbox.It’sintensework,especiallywhen designingtheinitialconceptsandcoding.Therefore,I’vedevelopedahabitofdroppingoffthefaceoftheearthfordaysata timeuntilmybabysisterdragsmebacktothelandoftheliving.
“I’matwenty-eight-year-oldman,I’llbefine”
“Well,I’vesetalarmsonAlexatogiveyouremindersanyway”
Thenexttenminutespassincompanionablesilenceaswepeople-watchanddrinkourcoffeesuntilit’stimetowalk Hannahtosecurity.
“Don’tforgettosendmeupdatesonthegame,”shesaysaswecometoastopoutsidethesecurityentrance.Sheturnsto facemewhichmakeswhatI’mabouttotellherwayharder.
“Aboutthegame I’vedecidedtowithdrawmyfundingapplication”
Atfirst,shedoesn’tsayanything,shejuststaresatme,completelydisgustonherface Quicklyrecovering,sheletsmehaveit.
“No.You.Are.Not.LukeRamshaw,pullyourselftogetherforfuck’ssake,”shesays,soundingjustlikeMam.Mam wouldhaveneverswornatmethough.
“Idon’tknowhowI’llgetitdone,Han I’mrunningoutoftime”
“Thisisahugeopportunityforyouandyourbusiness Youcan’tthrowthataway Whatyouneedisalittlemotivation Ifyouspeaktotheclub,youknowAuntieMelwillhelpyou.”
It’sagoodidea,onethat’scrossedmymindalready,ifonlyIcouldbringmyselftomakethecall.“I’llthinkaboutit, butfornowyouneedtogetgoing.Messagemeonyourstopovers,letmeknowyou’resafe,”Isay,changingthesubject,tugging herclosetomeforahugwhenwereachairportsecurity.“Andpromiseyou’llringmewhenyougettoSydney.Idon’tcare whattimeitis”
Shehugsmebacktightly,lettingtheprevioussubjectgo
“IpromiseI’llcallyouwhenIcan,but,Luke,I’mabiggirl,youdon’tneedtobesooverprotective.Youshouldbe makingthemostofnothavingmearoundtocrampyourstyle.Betterstill,getbackonthedatingappsandhaveagoodtime!”
Ihitherwithanunamusedglare.OverprotectiveisallIknow.DaddiedsuddenlyfromabrainaneurysmwhenIwas twoandHannahwasanewborn ThenwelostMamwhenIwaseighteen,soItookcustodyofher,takingontheroleofparent andbigbrother Sincethen,it’sbeenthetwoofusandthiswillbethelongestwe’veeverbeenapart
“I’mjustsaying,it’sbeenawhilesinceyou’vedated.”
Idon’ttellherthatthereasonIhaven’tdatedforafewyearsisbecause,asmorethanoneexputit,I’mtoo ‘overprotective’and‘over‐bearing’.It’llgivehermorefueltoaddtothefire.
Instead,Isay,“Yeahokay,I’llthinkaboutit”Togetheroffmyback
Shestandsonhertiptoestorufflemyhairandpunchesmyarm,herwayofsayingshe’llmissme,I’msure.
“Bye,Luke!Seeyouinthreemonths!”shecallsoutwithoneFinalfree-spiritedwave.
Iwavebackandwatchheruntilshe’soutofsight,blendinginwithotherexcitedtravellers.Hannah’sagrownwoman, she’stough,smart,andsensible
She’sgoingtobefine I’mgoingtobefine
Ohgod,whoamItryingtokid?I’malreadyananxiouswreck.
Backatherflat,Itakethetimetofindahomeformygamingequipmentinherlivingroom,avoidingthesurfaceswherethe plantsreside.IbroughteverythingIneedforthreemonthsofwork:fourmonitors,variousspeakersandaPCIbuiltfrom scratchwhenIwasatuni.
Onthecoffeetable,IneatlylineupvariouscontrollersandconnectmyPlayStationandXboxtothebigTVonherwall. Beforelong,thespaceisorganisedandlookslikesomethingyou’dexpecttoseeontheStarshipEnterprise,flashinglightsand sleekblackandsilverelectronicseverywhere Isurveytheset-upwithwonderandadorationasifI’mlookingatmyfirst-born child.
IknowI’mprocrastinatingwhenImakemyselfanothercoffeeusingHannah’sfancymachineandsitonthebalcony overlookingtheRiverWear.IneedtomakethatcallandasItoywithmyphone,Ican’tputitoffanylonger.
Raisingthephonetomyear,Ilistentotheringinguntilafamiliarcomfortingvoiceanswersthathurtlesmetenyearsin thepast
Iswallowdownthelumpinmythroatandspeak.“Hey,AuntieMel.It’sLuke.”
CHAPTERTHREE Natasha Unliketheweekend,Wednesday’smatchisn’tasbadaloss.Ionlyletonegoalpastmethistime,andImanagetolastthewhole ninetyminuteswithouthavingacompletebreakdown.
“Seriously,I’mabouttolosemyfuckingshit!”Isayfortheumpteenthtimetonight Okay,Imightnothavehada breakdowntoday,butI’msofuckingclosetoittonight Thistimeit’snotfootballrelatedorevenaproblemI’vebroughton myself.
Mylovely,sweetandsilentnext-doorneighbourhasgoneawayforthreemonths.
Mylovely,sweetandsilentnext-doorneighbour’sinconsiderate,video-game-playingbrotheris!at-sitting.Nightafter night,I’vehadtoendurethesoundsofgunsshootingandstupidzombiesgroaningandmoaningthroughthewallthatconnects ourlivingrooms
“Ijustwanttofuckingsleep,”Iwhine.
“Surelyit’snotsobadfromyourbedroom,”Bridgetreasons,althoughshehastoraisehervoicetobeheardwhich completelyinvalidatesherpoint.BridgetO’Learyismyoldestfriend.Wemetatprimaryschoolafterherfamilymovedfrom Ireland,andnowshe’sheadoftheWearsideFCPRdepartment.It’sliterallyinhernaturetoberationalandnonconfrontationalatalltimes
“Oh,youcan Thatgodawfulsoundtravels!Fournightsthishasgoneonfor!He’safuckinginsomniacorsomething,”I shoutback,againstrugglingtobeheardatmynormallevel.
“Whydon’tyougoandpolitelyaskhimtoturnthevolumedown?Heprobablydoesn’trealiseyoucanhearit,”Brooke suggests,alsotryingtobehelpful.Onlythingis,Idon’twanthelpfulresolutions.Iwantmyclosestfriendstoshareinmy completeandutterrage ShewincesasaparticularlybrutalsoundtravelsthroughthewallatthispointI’mbeginningtofeel sorryforthezombies
“Fuckit,let’sgo!”Istandabruptlyfrommysofa.
Dressedinourpyjamasandslippers,despitetheirprotests,Idragbothgirlsintothehallwaywithmeforsupport.
BridgetandBrookeshareanapartmentafewfloorsaboveme,soit’snotstrangetofinduswanderingthecorridorsbetween eachother’sflatsinPJs.Ican’tsayI’veeverstormedthehallwaysofthebuildingwagingwarthough,sothisisnewforus.
WhenIcometoahaltoutsidehisdoor,IknockalittleharderthanIintendto Nooneanswers,soItryagainharder He’sinthere;hisgameisstillplayingthesoundsofslaughteredzombies!
Ilookbacktothegirlswhoarewatchingme,clearlyworriedI’monthevergeofsomehomicidalmeltdown.
“Maybeweshouldcomebackinthemorningwhenyou’vecalmeddown?”Bridgetwhispers,leaningforwardslightly towhereIstandaheadofthem.
“Nofuckingway!I’llbetanymoneyhe’sadeadbeatgamerwhodoesn’tworkandthinksit’sperfectlyfinetoplay videogamesallnightandsleepalldaywithnocareorconsiderationforthoseofuswhoactuallycontributetosociety.”
“Doyounotthinkyou’rebeingalittlejudgementalwhenyoudon’tknowtheguy?”Brookeasks
Yes,I’mbeingjudgemental,butI’mpissedoff,sowhatever
Turningbacktothedoor,Iignoreheranddowhatanyotherbatshitpersonwoulddointhissituationandbangonthe door,loud,hardandfast,untilheanswers,half-naked,lookingalittlepanicked.
“Shit,what’sgoingon?”heasks,lookingbetweenthethreeofus,confusionetchedinhisbeautifulface.Fuck,Iwasnot expectingthis!“Areyouokay?”Heglancesdownthecorridorforsignsofdangerthatdon’texist.
Iknowit’sstereotypicalofmeandsinceI’mafemalefootballerwhohearsallthestereotypes,Ishouldknowbetter, butwhenyouseegamersinmoviesandonTV,they’realwayssupernerdy;paleandthinfromstayingindoorsallday,butthis guy…Shit,he’sgorgeous.
He’stall.Verytall.I’maboveaverageheightforawomanatfivefooteightandthisguyhasaneasysixinchesonme. He’stonedwithoutbeingoverlyripped.Hisshirtlesstorsoistightandfirmwithalightsprinklingofdarkchesthair,andhe hasthemostbeautifulcollarbonesI’veeverseen Ididn’tevenrealiseIhadathingforcollarbones,buthey,it’sapparentlymy newkinkbecauseIwanttolickthem
Butit’shiseyesthatreallysuckmein.They’rethemostbrilliantshadeofforestgreenI’veeverseen.Andthey’re staringrightatme.
Shit, he’s staringrightatme,waitingformetospeak.Hislipsquirkashenoticesandmygazefollowsthecurves.
“You’reloud!”Isnapmyselfoutofthetrancehe’spulledmeinto.“I’msorry?”Hiseyebrowspuckereversoslightlyat my aggression
“Yourgamesareloud,”Isay,steadyingmyvoiceandrecoveringfrommyinitialshock.Iplantmyhandsfirmlyonmy hips,takingastepclosertohim.
I’mobviouslynotveryintimidatingbecausehesmirksatme,actuallyfuckingsmirks,andleansagainstthedoorframe, crossinghisarmsoverhischest Holyforearms,hehasthosetoo,allleanmuscleandthickveinsand I’mlosingfocusagain “Iwearaheadset,”hesayssimply,noapologyinsight
“Yourheadsetisobviouslynotworking,”Ireplythroughgrittedteeth.
“I’msorry,I’llcheckoutthespeakersbecauseyoushouldn’tbeabletohearathing.”He’scoolandcollectedwhenhe runshishandthroughhistousleddeepbrownhair.
“Well,makesureyoudobecausesomeofusactuallyhavejobstogotoandneedadecentnightsleep,”Isaysnidely “Comeon,let’sgo,”Iaddforthebenefitofthegirlsbehindmewhohavebeenuselessthisentiretime.
“Youknow,whenyouintroduceyourselftosomeone,you’resupposedtogivethemyourname,”hesaysasIwalk away,acockyconfidenceoozingoutofhim.
“Andwhyisthat?”Iask,turningbacktofacehim,ignoringthegigglesfromBrookeandBridget
“It’sgoodmanners”Hesmirksatmeoncemorefromhisdoorway “I’mLuke”
“I’mBridget,thisisBrooke,andthegrumpyoneisNatasha,”Bridgetsays,helpfullylookingbetweenuswhenIdon’t respond.
“SortthenoiseoutsoIcansleepandwewon’thaveanyotherissues!”Igrunt,throwingmyhandsintheairand stormingbackintomyapartment.
“Goodnight,Natasha,”hecallsafterme,andhonestly,Idon’thatethewaythatsounds
CHAPTERFOUR Natasha Obediently,IfollowMamthroughthehallwayofmychildhoodhometothediningroom.It’shardtomissthelargeportrait heldinagildedframe.It’saphotoofmestandingbetweenmyproudparentsatmyuniversitygraduationorasDadreferstoit: aconstantreminderofhowmuchofadisappointmentIam
Myparentsarebothsolicitorsatourfamilyfirm,BorthwickLaw Mygranddad,theoriginalBorthwick,startedthe businessandmydadstartedworkingthererightoutofsecondaryschool.Throughoutmylife,itwaswellknownthathis intentionwasformetofollowinhisfootsteps,butallmyfiveyearsstudyinglawdidwasconfirmthatIabsolutelydidnot wanttoworkinthatfield.
I’mnotcutoutforanoffice
“Hi,Dad,”Isay,walkingintothediningroomwherehesitsattheheadofthetable,readingabroadsheetnewspaper “Darling.”Heoffersmehischeekwithoutlookingup.
“Howareyou?”Ipressakisstohisageingskinbeforetakingaseatattheformalplacesettingtohisright.Dadis alwaysimpeccablysmart,cleanshavenandwearsafreshlyironedshirtandtrousersnomatterwhereheisorwhathisplans are.
“Oh,youknow,justanotherdayofnothavinganheirtothefirm,”hesaysasifhe’sjoking,butit’sbeensaidenough timesthatIknowhe’sserious ThistimeIdoubtittookhimtwominutestogethisjibein “Isawtheresulttheothernight,it wasonthenews.Theyweretalkingaboutyou.”Myheartsinkstomytoes.Ilearnedalongtimeagonottoreadarticlesabout myselfandtofastforwardthroughthehighlightswhentheycoverWearsideWomen.Mydad,ontheotherhand,hasnot. “Ohright…We’regoingthrougharoughpatchasateamatthemomentbutwithalittlehardwork,I’msurewe’llpick itupagain”
“Doyounotthinkit’sabouttimeyougiveupthehobbyanddosomethingmeaningfulwithyourlife?”heasks,placing thepaperdowninfrontofhim.“Youcouldbeouttheremakingadifferencetopeople’slives.” Herewego.
“Ilovemyjob,Dad.”EvenIcantellIsoundlessthanconvincing.
“Sweetheart,thebestthinghappenedatworkthisweek,”Mamsays,savingmefromtheconversationassheplacesour platesinfrontofus
“Yeah?”Iask,feigningenthusiasm IfDadtriestoshamemeintojoiningthefamilybusiness,Mamtriestoconvinceme thatworkinginlawisthebestthingintheworld.Sheampsupherjobsatisfactionateveryopportunitytotryandgetmetosee
“Awomancameinwithhersonwho’ssettingupanewbusinessandneededsomeadvice.It’ssosatisfyingwhenyou gettohelppeople,youknow.Thelookonhisfacemadeallthatchallengingworkworthit.”Sheclutchesthenapkinshe’s carryingtoherheart.
“Soundsgreat,Mam”
“Itreallywas”
Shedisappearsintothekitchenagain,returningamomentlaterwithherownplateandtakesaseatoppositemeon Dad’sotherside.
Ingeneral,mymoodislowerthanithasbeenforweeks,butIdon’tthinktheynoticeasweeatinourusualsilence. Whenwefinish,Iexcusemyselfforabreatherbyofferingtocleartheplatesandstackthedishwasher.
“Dadisn’tgettinganyyounger,”MamsayswhenIreturntothetableafewminuteslater SheglancesacrossatDad whohasgonebacktohispaper,completelyuninterestedinmycompany “AndneitheramI,”sheadds
“Areyoutryingtotellmeoneofyouissick?”Panicsurgesthroughme.Isthatwhattonightisabout?
“No,ofcoursenot.I’mjustsaying,we’dliketoretiresoon,andthefirmwillbeyourresponsibility.You’llneedtogo backtoschoolforarefresherbeforeyoutakeover,ofcourse.Ithasbeenafewyearssinceyougraduated.”
“I’mnotalawyer,Mam Idon’twanttotakeover”
“Thisisourfamilylegacy,Natasha,”Dadsayssternly,slamminghispaperdownonthetable,makingmejump “You’reouronlychild.It’suptoyoutokeepitgoingwhenwe’regone.”
“ButIdon’twantto,Dad.I’msorry.”
“Doyourealisehowjuvenileyousound?Youhavefive,maybetenyearsofyourfootballingcareerleftatthevery most.Thenwhat?”
“Idon’tknow IhaveplentyoftimetodecidewhatpathItakewhenI’mdoneplaying”
“That’sthebestpart Youdon’thavetodecidebecauseyouhavethelawfirm,sweetheart,”Mamaddscalmlywitha sicklysweetsmile.
“Idon’twantit.”Shortofstompingmyfeet,Ihavenoideahowtogetthisacrosstothem.“Idon’twantthefirm!”
“Whydoyouhavetobesuchanungratefullittlegirl?Aftereverythingwe’vedoneforyou.Thisisyourlegacy.”
“I’mnotungrateful!AndI’mnotalittlegirl!IwanttolivemylifehowIseefit”Istandabruptly,refusingtotakeany more It’sthelaststraw “Ihavetogo I’vegotamatchtomorrowandIneedagoodnight’ssleep”
“We’llseeyouonthesixo-clocknewsthen,”Dadsnaps,andwiththatIwalkout,slammingthedoorbehindmelike thechildtheythinkIam.
I’musedtothesenightsendinglikethis,butitdoesn’tmakeithurtanyless.Tearsstingmyeyesallthewayhomeand
whenIeventuallyreachthedoortomyapartment,theonepersonIdon’tneedtoseeiscomingoutofhis
“Natasha?Areyouokay?”Hisvoiceisfullofconcern,butI’mafuckingcowardsoIignorehim,closingmyselfaway inthesafetyofmyflatlikeIhaveeveryothertimeI’veseenhimsinceourrun-intheothernight.
AsIlieinbedalittlewhilelaterandeverythingisquiet,IrealiseImissthesoundsofLuke’svideogames.Because withouttheincessantshootingandzombiecries,thevoicesanddoubtsthatplayinmymindasIstareatmyceilingaremuch hardertoignore
CHAPTERFIVE Luke “So,shallwetalkaboutthisproposalyouhave?”AuntieMelasksasIsitacrossfromherinherofficeattheWearsideFC trainingacademy.She’stryingherbesttokeepherpokerfaceinplace,butanyminutenow,thegrinshe’sbeensuppressing sinceIwalkedthroughthedoorfifteenminutesagoisgoingtoburstoutofher
Melisn’tablood-relatedauntie;shewasMam’sbestfriend TheybothplayedprofessionalfootballhereatWearside WomenwhenIwasakid.TheclubbecameasecondfamilytouswhenwelostDad.Wewereheresooftenitwaslikewe livedhere.
Mamdiedheretoo.Shewalkedoutofthetunnelintoapackedstadiumandfiveminuteslatersufferedaheartattackand collapsedinthepenaltyboxwhileHannahandIwatchedfromthestandswiththousandsofothers
AfterIlostMam,Igrewtodespisethegamethatcruellytookherawayfromus,butI’dstillbringHannahherealmost everyday.Mysisterlovesanykindofsport,butespeciallyfootballandIcouldn’ttakethatawayfromher.I’ddropheroff afterschoolwhileIwenttomyuniclassesonanevening.Whenshewasoldenoughtodrive,shedidn’tneedmetobringher anymore,soIstoppedcomingaltogether.
ItwaseasiertoleavethisworldbehindthanconfrontmyfeelingsheadonandunfortunatelythatmeantleavingMel behindtoo
Butthewayshe’swelcomedmebackwithopenarms,asifIdidn’tturnmybackonherforalltheseyears,makesme realisewhatabigmistakeImadeandnowI’mhere,IhopeIgetachancetorectifythat.
Iclearmythroat.“I’vedesignedabasicconceptforagamebasedonwomen’sfootball.LikeFIFAbutfortheWomen’s SuperLeaguetostart,hopefullyextendingtotheChampionship.IneedtopitchforthelicenceandapplyforfundingandI’ve hitamentalblock Inreturnforsponsorshipnextseason,I’dlikeaccesstotheacademyandtheteamtohelpwiththe developmentofthevideogame,”Isay “Ican’tofferyouexclusivityinthemarketing,butIcanguaranteeWearsideWomen willbeheavilypromotedwithinthegameandtheadvertisingcampaigns.”
“Youdon’tneedtooffersponsorship,Luke.You’rewelcomehereanytimeandwe’rehappytohelp.”Hervoiceiskind andreassuring.Sheknowshowharditwasformetocomeheretoday.
“I’velookedattheclubrecords,Mel.Cashislowandifyougetrelegatedthisseason,you’llloseyourprimary sponsor You’llnevergetthatlevelofsponsorshipfromanothercompanyifyougodownaleague Theteamwon’tbeableto surviveit,especiallynotwhenthemen’sfirstteamareinthesameposition”Imeethergaze,adding,“Ican’tletthathappento herclubwhenshefoughtsohardtogetthewomen’steamoffthegroundinthefirstplace.”
Shenodshersilentunderstanding “I’mimpressed Youdidyourhomework Idoneedtosignnewplayersifwe’re goingtosurvivethisseasonandthereareafewintheacademyI’vehadmyeyeon.Ifyou’reseriousaboutthis” sheproduces amanillafile,handingitoverhercluttereddesktome “theseareourcurrentsponsorshippackages.”
Iopenthefolderasshewatchesmeintently.Ialreadylookedintotheirsponsorshippackageswhilstdoingmyresearch ontheclub,butIstillperusethepage
“I’lltakefullsecondarysponsorshipforthreeyearsuntilthegameisreleased Thenwecannegotiateagain,if necessary.”Iclosethefolderandplaceitdowngently.
“Onbehalfoftheclubwelcomebacktothefamily,”Melsayswithagrin,offeringherhandandweshakeonthedeal.
“BridgetO’LearyisourheadofPRandmarketing.I’llgethertocomeandseeyoutosortoutthefinerdetails,whileIheadout withthegirlsforthismorning’strainingsession.Ifyou’rehappytostickaround,Icanintroduceyouwhenthey’redone.”
“Thatsoundsgreat,”Isayexcitedly,hopealreadystartingtobubbleupinmystomach “Wouldyoumindifwedon’t tellthemwhoMamwasrightawaythough?It’snotthatIdon’twantthemtoknow,butpeopletendtolookatmedifferently whentheyknow.”
“Ofcourse,”sheagrees,thenpicksupthephoneandasksBridgettocomefetchme.
Familiaritysettlesovermeforasecond,butIhavetroubleplacingthenameuntilabeautifulwomanwithjetblackhair appearsinthedoorframeofMel’soffice UnlikethelasttimeIsawBridget dressedinpyjamaswithNatashaandtheirother friendBrookeinthehallway she’sastonefacedprofessional,herhairstyledinneatJessicaRabbitwaves,dressedina perfectlyfittedburgundydressandheelssohightheylookimpossibletowalkin.
“ThisisLukeRamshaw.Hiscompanyisgoingtobeasecondarysponsorthisseasoninexchangefortheexpertiseof theclub.Couldyoudrawupthesponsorshipcontractplease?”Melsays,andBridgetturnstofaceme,recognitiondawningon her.
“Thisiswonderful!”Hereyesshinewithexcitement,althoughIcan’tworkoutwhygiventhecomplicatedsituationI havewithherfriendwho’sobviouslystillmadatme “Whatexactlydoyoumean‘expertiseoftheclub’?”
“Accesstotheplayers,staffandthefacilities.Whileyou’reatit,sorthimaseasoncardfortherestoftheseasonand gethimatemporaryIDbadgefortheacademy.”Melstands,gatheringaniPadandnotebookfromherdesk,soIfollowsuit.
“I’llarrangetohaveacopyofourscheduleforthenextfewweekssentovertoyouthisafternoon,soyoucanplanwhatyou needaroundthat Bridgetwillaccompanyyouinthemeantimeandwe’llcallameetinginthemediaroomtoannounceittothe teamafterthesession”
“Thankyou,Mel.Ireallyappreciateit,”IsaysincerelybeforeturningtoBridgetwhoisstillgrinninglikeaCheshire cat.“Leadtheway.”
Anhourlater,whenalltheofficialdocumentsaresignedandI’veclearedtheairwithBridget,we’restandinginthe
“Nervous?”sheasksasthedoorcreaksopenandplayersbegintofilein.
“No,”Ilie.“Alittle.”
Shelaughs.“Don’tworry,onceshegetsovertheshockit’llallbefine.”
“She?”Iask,butshedoesn’thavetimetorespondbeforeIturnandmeettheshockedeyesofNatasha
CHAPTERSIX Natasha Aboltofwhatcanonlybedescribedaslightningstrikesme,rootingmetothespot.
“Natasha,issomethingwrong?”CoachcallsoutasthetrafficjamI’mcausingonthestairsgetrestless.
LukerecoversfromhissurpriselongbeforeIdo,hisfeaturesrelaxingintoasoftsmileashisfamiliareyeswarmtome Ihatetosaythis,buthelooksfuckinggood Maybeit’stheshirtsleeveshe’sgotrolleduptohiselbowsshowingoffthose deliciousforearmsorthefactIknowexactlywhathe’shidingunderhissmart-casualattire.Whateveritis,it’sworkingforme bigtime.
“Natasha?”Coachasksagain,andIrealiseI’mstillstaringathim.Christ,hemustthinkI’manidiot.
IturnsharplytoescapebutI’mblockedbyBrookewhofacesmeforwardagainandnudgesmedownthestairsfurther intotheauditorium
“I’mfine.”IwaveheroffandslumpdownintotheseatfurthestawayfromLukeaspossible,followedbyBrooke.A blushcreepsupmyneckwhenLukeraisesaquizzicaleyebrowwithanotherfuckingsmirk.He’stakingnotofmyreactionand what…helikesit?
“Oh,hey,Luke!”Brookesays,wavingobnoxiouslyasshepretendstonoticeourguestforthefirsttime.“Look, Natasha,” shenudgesmewithheresharpelbow “it’sLuke YourememberLuke,right?He’sstayingintheapartmentnext doortoyours”
Fuckinghell,I’mgoingtokillher.
“Icanseethat,thanks,Skip,”Ireplythroughgrittedteethtomycaptainandsoon-to-be-ex-bestfriendifshekeepsthis up.Brookesmileshappilylikethecatthatgotthecream,crossingherarmsoverherchestgettingcomfortable.
Okay,so,fulldisclosure,Luke’snamehasbeenthrownaroundthedressingroomquitealotthisweek It’lltake preciselythreeminutesforwordtogetaroundthisroomthatthisisthemanI’vebeensimultaneouslyhatingandcrushingonin equalmeasure.
“Nicetoseeyou,Luke,”Isaywithacurtnodasifseeinghimistheleastexcitingpartofmyweeksofarwhenthe oppositeismorelikeit.
“Nicetoseeyoutoo,Natasha,”hesaysinthatthroatywayhesaysmynamethatIhaven’tbeenabletogetoutofmy head
Brookesnortswithlaughter,soIlooktoBridgetforsomemoralsupport She’snobetterandisn’teventryingtohide hergleeatthesituation.
“Thankyouformeetingonsuchshortnotice,ladies I’llkeepthisbriefasIknowyouwanttogetoutofhere,”Coach begins.“ThisisLukeRamshaw.He’savideogamedeveloperandisdesigningagamebasedontheWomen’sSuperLeague.”
Hisgazeistrainedonme,soofcourseheseesthemomentIrealiseIwascompletelywrongabouthim.He’snotjusta deadbeatgamerwithnojob.Gamingishisjob!NotthatIknowexactlywhatbeingavideogamedeveloperentailsbuttheway Coachsaiditmadeitsoundreallyimportant
“ThewayIunderstandit,it’slikeFIFAbutexclusivelydesignedforthewomen’sleague,”Coachcontinues,lookingto Lukewhonodshisconfirmation.“Wehavestruckadealthismorningthatinreturnforhisgeneroussponsorshipwewillbeat hisdisposalwhenitcomestoassistinghimwithhiswork.Withthisadditionalinvestmentwecanaffordtodraftinsomeofthe academyplayerstoreplacethosewe’velostintheJanuarytransferwindowandthosewehaveoutoninjury.Withalittlebitof luck,wemightactuallysurvivethisseason.Arethereanyquestions?”
Iraisemyhandimmediately Ihavealotofquestionsandnoideawheretostart,soIbeginwiththeobvious “Whatdoyoumeanwe’llbeathisdisposal?”
“Oh,wouldn’tyouliketoknow.”Debbie,thereservegoalkeeper,sittingonmyotherside,sniggers,soIjabherinthe thigh,shuttingherup.
“Lukewillbeattendingtrainingandmatches.IfhehasanyquestionsorneedsanythingatallIexpectyoutosupport him Anyotherquestions?”Adozenmorehandsshootintheair “Debbie?”
“AreyouNatasha’sLuke?Becauseifyouare,thenIcanunderstandwhyshehasn’tshutuptalkingaboutyouthis week.”Shelaughs,throwingmeunderthebus.
“Debbie!”Iturninmyseattofaceher.MyfaceburnssohotIcouldprobablyfryaneggonitandBrookesnortsagain, failingtodisguiseitwithacough.“Whattheactualfuck!?”
“Whydon’tyoutakethatquestion,Natasha?”Mygodheisbrazen.“AmI‘yourLuke’?”heaskswithamischievous grin Heuncrosseshisarmsandshoveshishandsinhisbeautifullyfittedjeans Allthatdoesisdirectmygazesouthandto makeitworse,hecatchesme
“Lukeismytemporaryneighbour,”Ianswer,quicklyavertingmygaze.“Isthatall,Coach?Canwegonow?”
JesusChrist,Ijustwanttogetoutofhere.
“Doesanyonehaveanymorequestions?”Coachasksandeverysinglehandintheroomfliesup.“Aboutthegame,”she adds,andtheirarmsslowlylower “Good,asyou’realreadyfamiliarwitheachother,Natasha,you’llbeLuke’spointof contact”
“Idon’tthinkthat’sa ”
“It’sawonderfulidea,”Lukesays,lockingeyeswithmeagainandthesparkweshareshootsstraightthroughmybody.
“Gladthat’ssettled,youcanallgonow,”shesays,andjustlikethat,we’redismissed
CHAPTERSEVEN Luke Sincetheannouncementattheacademy,Ihaven’tseenmuchofNatasha.Whenshe’snotinagrouptrainingsessionwiththe team,she’smeetingwiththephysio,inthegym,swimming,mentoringtheyouthteamoranyoftheotherhundredexcusesshe comesupwithtoavoidbeingalonewithme
I’mnotsurewhy Itcouldbethatshe’sstillmadatmeforthevolumeissueorthatshe’sembarrassedIopenlyflirted withherattheteammeeting.WhatwasIthinking?
“Am I your Luke?”
I’mnotherLuke,butIwoulddefinitelyvolunteerastributegivenhalfthechance.
Uponreflection,Ididn’texactlymaketherightimpressionwithhermyfirstdayattheacademyeither Whensheasked mewhatexperienceIhadwhenitcametowomen’sfootball,Itoldherthesportdoesn’tinterestme It’snottrueatall When MamplayedIwasalwaysinthecrowdcheeringheronbutIdidn’twanttogetintothespecificsofwhyIhaveissueswith women’sfootballthesedays.
“Sowhyareyoudesigningagameaboutwomen’sfootballthenifyouhavenointerest?”she’daskedmeovercoffee withBrookeandDebbie.
Istupidlyreplied,“BecauseaftertheLionesses’historicwinattheEuros,it’swhatthemarketiscryingoutfor”
“So,you’redoingitforthemoney,”shesummarisedwithjudgementinherprettyhazeleyes
ShemustthinkI’mafuckingprickwhichiswhyit’sasurprisewhen,onSaturdaymorning,sheknocksonmydoor.
HerlongchocolatebrownhairisstyledinaFrenchplaitthathangsoverhershoulderwithlittlewispystrandsframing herprettyface.AsmuchasmyfirstimpressionofNatashawasthatshewasalittlestuck-up,Icouldbarelytearmyeyesaway fromherevenassheyelledatme Callmeamasochistorwhatever,butIimmediatelyknewIwantedheronadeeply molecularlevel Similarly,now,IknowIshouldn’t,butI’munabletostopasmygazetravelsthelengthofherbody,cladin tightblackrunningleggingsandmatchingsportsbramasqueradingasacroptopthatshowsthetannedskinofhertoned stomach.
Whenitcomestothiswoman,therationalpartofmybraindoesn’tseemtobeworkinganymore.Iwantedoutofthis worldofwomen’sfootball.Iwashappytoleavethepainandheartachebehindmetenyearsago,andyet,hereIam,charging headfirstintothesamethingIwasrunningfrom I’mfantasisingaboutawomanwhoistheexactembodimentofeverythingI tellmyselfIcan’tbewith
DidImention,shethinksI’mafuckingprick?
Silently,Natashachecksmeout Herbreathhitchesassheworksherwayslowlyanddeliberatelyupmybody,starting atmytoes,untilshereachesmyeyes.Andsheneedn’tthinkIdon’tnoticehowshelingersatthemostimportantplaces.
So,maybeshedoesn’thatemeasmuchasshe’dliketo?Interesting.
“Hi.”Ibreaktheloadedsilencebetweenus,smilingknowinglyattheblushthatcreepsupherneckwhensherealisesI caughthercheckingmeout
“Getyourshoeson,we’regoingforarun,”sheorders,recoveringquicklyandplantingonehandonherhip
“We asinmeandyou?”Iask,confusedathersuddenchangeofheart.Thisisthewomanwhoeverydayfortwoweeks leftaroomwhentherewasaslightchanceofherbeingalonewithme.
“WhoelsewouldIbetalkingabout?”ShelooksatmeasifI’vecompletelylosttheplot.Fuckit,Imusthavelostthe plotbecausethisissofarfromwhatI’vecometoexpectfromher.“Yourun,right?I’veseenyougoout.”
Ismirk So,she’sbeenkeepingtabsonmethen
“Yeah,Irun Butwhydoyouwanttogowithme?”
Shetakesadeepbreath.“BridgetsaidIshouldofferyouanolivebushorsomething.Apparently,I’vebeenlessthan welcomingtoyouandIneedtodobetter.”
“Doyoumeananolivebranch?”Iask,mysmilespreadingwider.Sherollshereyesatme.
“Forfuck’ssake,yes”
“Well,withanofferlikethat,howcouldIpossiblyrefuse ”Itease
“I’mtrying,”shesayssincerely.Curiositygetsthebetterofme,soIcuthersomeslack.
“Letmegetchanged.”
Lessthantwentyminuteslater,afterasilentbutsurprisinglynotawkwarddrive,Natashapullshercarintotheentranceof HerringtonCountryPark.I’mhitwithawaveofnostalgiaatthefamiliarwindingroadthatleadsthroughthegrassyparkland anddowntothelakesidewhereshepullsintoaspacestaringstraightaheadatagroupofswan’sconvergingonacoupleof kidswithabagoffeed.Icanpracticallyseethecogsturningquicklybehindhereyesassheplansherwords.
“I’mnotgoodwithapologiesortalkingaboutfeelingsandshit,socanwejustrunforalittlebit?”sheasksbeforeIcan askifshe’sokay It’sthefirstglimpseofvulnerabilityI’veseeninhersincewemet
“Sure.It’sprobablyforthebestanyway,IalwaysseemtofuckthingsupwhenItalktoyou.”I’mdelightedwhenshe letsoutasmallbutgenuinelaugh.It’salittlewinIdidn’tknowIneeded.
Oncewe’reoutofthecar,IfollowNatasha’sleadandlethersetthepace,allowinghertoremainincontrol.Maybeif she’scomfortable,she’lleventuallyopenup
I’vealwayslikedrunningoutdoors Thesoundofourfootstepspoundingthegravelpathsmixwiththewashofthelake andtheanimalsthatinhabitit,providingacalmingsoundtrack.
Afterourthirdormaybefourth I’velostcount looparoundthelake,Natashasuggestscontinuingupthepath towardsPenshawHill.Shequickensthepaceuntilwe’realmostsprintinginsteadofjogging,andbythetimewereachthe halfwaypointofthesteepincline,shedoesn’tlooktoogood
“Stopforaminute”Iglancetotheskywithmyhandsonmyhipstryingtocatchmybreath “Areyouokay?Youlook likeyou’reabouttothrowup.”Hercheeksareflushedbutatthesametimetherestofherfacehasapalegrey-greentingetoit. “I’mfine.”
“Natasha,it’sokaytoadmitifyou’renotfine.Cardsonthetable,myentirebodyfeelslikeit’sonfire,”Isay,doingmy besttoencourageher.
“Ohgod,you’reright,”shesayswithanaddedgroan,givinginanddoublingoverwithherhandsonherknees,her breathingheavyanduneven “Iskippedbreakfastthismorningand,fuck,IfeellikeI’mdying”
IrubgentlecirclesonherbackinagestureIhopeiscomfortingandwatchasherbreathingslowlyreturnstoasteady rhythm.
“Isthisokay?”Iask.
“Yeah,it’sworking Idon’tfeellikeI’maboutthrowuporpassoutanymore”Shestraightensuponceagain,thecolour slowlyreturningtoherface “Thankyou”
“Doyouthinkyoucouldmakeitupthelast…”Iturntocountbutgiveupandguestimateinstead,“thirty,fortysteps? Wecanfindanicespotwithaviewtositandtalk.”
“Okay,let’swalkthistimethough,norunning,”shejokeswithanothersmile,andthereliefthatsurgesthroughmewhen Iknowshe’sokayalmostknocksmeoffmyfeet.
CHAPTEREIGHT Natasha WereachthewoodenstepstoPenshawMonumentandLukeoffersmehishand.WhenItakeit,anotherswarmofbutterflies fluttersinmystomach.ExactlyliketheydidwhenIknockedonhisdoorthismorningandhegavemeoneofhissmirksthat says,“Iknowyou’recheckingmeoutandIknowyoulikewhatyousee”
“Whyareyoubeingsonicetome?”Iask,takingmyhandback,shyathischivalry Idon’tdeserveit,especiallynot afterthewayI’veactedtowardshim.
“Life’stooshorttoholdgrudgesoverpettyneighbourlysquabbles.”Heshrugswithareassuringsmile.“Ialsoraised mysixteen-year-oldsisterwhenourmamdied,soI’mwellawarehowstubbornwomencanbe.”
“Heeey”Inudgehimwithmyshoulder AlthoughIshouldn’tcomplainwhenhe’sright
Overthepastweek,afterwatchinghiminteractwiththeothergirlsattheclubandtakinganinterestinwhatwedo,it’s clearIgotthewrongimpressionofhim.AndIdon’tbuyhisexcusethathe’sputtingthismucheffortintothisgameonlyforthe paycheck.Icanseehecaresaboutitdeeply.Ijustcan’tworkoutwhy.
“I’msorrytohearyoulostyourmam.”
“Thanks,it’sbeentenyearsnow.Iwaseighteenwhenshehadaheartattack.”
“Thatmusthavebeentough,”Isay,seeinghiminacompletelynewlight “Whataboutyourdad?”
“HepassedwhenIwastwo,”heexplains
“Youdon’thavetoexplain,ifitmakesyouuncomfortable.”Itellhim.
“Iguesswe’rebothnotgreatwithtalkingaboutfeelingsandshit…”heechoesmyearlierstatement.
Wefallintoacomfortablesilence,sittingsidebysideonthenorthsideofthemonument.Ourfeetdangleoverthecold stonefoundationaswelookoutacrosstheRiverWeartowardstheindustrialgreenbeltofSunderland Fromherewehavean unobstructed360degreeviewofthecityandinthedistancetheNorthSeatwinklesinthesunlight
Iturnmybodysidewaysandrestmybackagainstthethickstonepillarwithmylegsoutstretchedonthefloorinfrontof mefeelingthetightnesssettlingin.Leaningforward,Igrabmyfeettostretchoutmymusclesafterourpunishingrun.I procrastinatealittlemorebeforeIattemptmyapology.
Fuck,thisishard.
“Youdon’thavetotalk,butIgetthefeelingyouwantto,”heprompts,turninghisheadsidewaystolookatme Hemust haveasixthsenseorsomething
“IfinditextremelydifficulttoadmitthatI’mwrong.”Itakeadeepbreath.“ButIwaswrongaboutyouandI’msorryI
judgedyou AndIdon’tbelieveyou’redoingthissolelyforthemoneybecauseIdon’tthinkanyamountofmoneyisworth sittinglisteningtoDebbietalkforanhourandahalfaboutwhatitfeelsliketoplayfootballonyourperiod.”Helaughsatthe memory.“I’dreallyliketostartfreshandgettoknowyouandyourprojectproperly.”
“I’dreallylikethattoo,”hesays.“AndI’msorry,becauseIjudgedyoutoo.”
“Youdid?”Iask,curiositygettingthebetterofme
“ThefirsttimeImetyou,Ithoughtyouwereastuck-upbitch,ifI’mhonest,”hesaysandalaughbubblesoutfromdeep withinmefollowedbyanotherandanotheruntilwe’rebothlaughinguncontrollably.
Passers-bystareatus,butIbarelynoticebecauseitfeelssogoodtoletgoofalltheshieldsprotectingmyemotions.I don’trememberthelasttimeIlaughedlikethisoversomethingsosmallandridiculous.It’sthekindoflaughthatassoonas oneofusmanagestostop,theotherfindsitevenmorehilariousandwestartthecyclealloveragain.
“I’msogladwedidthis,”Isay,regainingasliverofmycomposureanddabbingawaythetearsthatareleavingstreaks downmycheeks “Ifeelsomuchbetternow”
“Ineededthatlaugh,”hesays,hiseyesshiningbrightlyashesmilesatme,andanunfamiliarwarmthradiatesfrommy chestandsettlesdeepwithinmysoul.
“Yeah,metoo.”
CHAPTERNINE Luke Steppingoutontothebalcony,coffeeinonehand,smallwateringcanintheother,Itakeinadeepbreathofthefreshmorning air.Themorningsaren’tasdarkandcrispastheywereafewweeksagonowthatspringhassprung,andbyeight,thesunis alreadyshiningabovetheNorthSeainthedistance
IplacethemugandwateringcanonthesmallwoodentableandliftmyarmshighabovemyheadasIstretchoutmy back.Sittinginagamingchairforalmostforty-eighthoursisnotgreatforthespine.
“Morning,Stanley,”IsayhappilytotheplantasIgivehimahealthyglugofwater.
WhenNatashaandIgothomefromourrunafortnightago,Ifinallygaveinandgoogledher.AndIknowthatsounds stalkerish,butitwasinthenameofresearch
Sortof
OnceIstarted,Icouldn’tstop.IfelldownaYouTuberabbithole,watchingherplayandbeinginterviewed,starting earlyinhercareertoasrecentlyaslastweek.Readingtheharshcommentsandcriticismshehasreceivedlately,I’m overwhelmedwiththeurgetoprotecther.
I’moverwhelmedbyanotherurgetoo.
“Who’sStanley?”Natasha’scuriousvoicedriftsoverfromherbalcony Ijumpinsurprise;Ihadn’tnoticedhersitting ontheothersideofthelowwallatherbistrotable,sippingherowncoffee
“Theplant,”Ianswer,cringinginternally.
“Yeah,Iknow.Hannahtalkstohimtoo.”Shechuckles,standingtoleanherelbowsonthewallthatseparatesus.She’s stunninginthemorning,herrichbrownhairistiedinamessybunontopofherheadandherskinissmooth,brightandvoidof anymake-up
Inashortspaceoftimeherattitudetowardsmehangingaroundtheacademyhaschangedentirelyandeachdaywe spendtimetogetherthere,sheopensupalittlebitmore,revealingsmallpartsofherpersonality.I’vecometolearnshe’switty andsarcastic,butalsohighlyself-criticalandself-depreciatingwhenitcomestoherskill.
I’msurethere’sstillalotaboutherIdon’tknow,butwhatIdoknow,Ilike.AndImean,Ireally likeherandIthinkshe likesmetoo. Nowthatwe’refriends,I’mhopefulI’llgettoknowherbetterstillandseewherethisgoes.
“Ohgreat,nowIlooklikeacrazyplantladylikemylittlesister!”
“Wanttoknowasecret?”sheaskswithasparkleinhereye “Italktohimtoo,”shewhispersloudly,andIlaugh effortlessly,likeIhaveeverytimeshesayssomethingfunny.
