DEDICATION
Thanks to Joanne Cote-Felaccio and her father for the scene inspiration ; )
Description
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Chapter28
Chapter29
Chapter30
Chapter31
Epilogue
AlsobyMarikaRay
FreeStuff
AbouttheAuthor
CONTENTS
DESCRIPTION
He's a dashingmillionaire who thinks everythinginlife is one bigjoke, probablybecause he bathes inpiles ofmoneyeach morning.He’salsomynew neighbor,andafter ahumiliatingexperienceinthecemeterythatismybackyard,hebecomesmy shadow,showingupeverywherejusttoannoyme.
I’mnota fanofhappypeople Theybother me withtheir constantgrins and rainbows comingoutoftheir ears, and Vander Boothis the kingofsmiles. Despite myefforts to scare himawaywithbothmyprofessionas anundertaker and mygeneral needforfrowningthroughmostofmyworkday,hesticksaroundlikeabadcaseofpoisonivy
He is gorgeous though. I’ll give himthat. And whenIsee the wayhe coordinates outfits withhis grandma justto make her happy, I'll admit my biological clock starts ticking Add in his fear of real human connections and suddenly I find myself cheeringfortheguyinsteadofplottinghisdeath.
Thoughopposites canattract and boyis myblacklipstickattracted to his glow-in-the-darksmile theydon’tstaytogether long-term And theycertainlycan’t co-exist whenthey’re fightingconstantlyina knock-down, drag-out competitionfor the samepieceoflandfortheirbusinessventure.Orcanthey? Cue ominous organ music…
VI SLID rightoffthe damncouchand nearlycracked myhead onthe solid wood coffee table Linenshorts and plastic couch coverswerenotagoodcombination.
“Jesus,G-Mil,” Igroused,climbingbackontomyfeetandgingerlyperchingmyass onmygrandmother’s ancientcouch “Don’tIsendyouenoughmoneytoaffordacouchwithoutplastic?”
Shewaddledintotheroom,tiniereverysingleyear,whichonlymadeanxietyclimbinmythroat.GrandmaMillywasmy bestfriend TheonlyhumanonearthwhounderstoodmeandlovedmeastheflawedhumanIwas Hencethemovetothetiny townof Blueball. Believe me, this townwasn’t myfirst choice for earlyretirement, but if G-Mil was here, that’s where I planned to be too I’d floated the idea of movingher out to Scottsdale withme and she’d sent me articles about haboobs, scorpions,andoff-the-chartsheatindexesuntilI’dgottenthemessage.GrandmaMillywasneverleavingBlueball.
“IfyousawhowmuchteaGertiespillseveryThursday,you’dunderstandwhyIneedtheplastic.”GrandmaMillyplaceda trayofcookies onthe coffee table. Theywere the darkcookies shaped like a windmill thattested the strengthofyour teeth insteadofthehomemadekindshe’dpresentedmewithmostofmylife.Thefactthatshewasresortingtostore-boughtmademe feellikeI’dshownupinjustthenickoftime “Didyouenjoyyournap,Vandy?”
OnlyG-MilcouldgetawaywithcallingmeVandy.Inodded,snatchingupacookieandwatchinghergetsettledinherold reclinerlikeahawk Shemovedslowernowtoo Morecareful,likeshewastestingthelimitsofherbonesandsofttissuewith eachmoveshemade.Shehadn’tmentionedanyofthatinourweeklycallsthelastfewyears,andIchastisedmyselfmentally fornotcomingouttocheckonherinpersonlikeIhadbeenuntilworkgotcrazy.
“Likethedead,”Ireplied,makingalistofallthedoctorappointmentsIwantedtotakehertonow thatIwasintownfor good.IwonderedifBlueballhadaphysicaltherapistIcouldhiretocometothehouse.MaybeIcouldgetanurseinherefulltimetokeephermoving Orachefsosheateallorganic
GrandmaMillyfrowned,thelinesonherfacestackingup.“Oh,atmyadvancedagewedon’tjokeaboutdeath,dear.”
Mymouthdroppedopen,anotherlayerofguiltslammingintome “I’msor ”
Grandma’sfacebrokeoutintothesmilethateveryonesaidlookedjustlikemine.“Gotcha,sucker!”
Shecackledandhooted,lookingdownrightgleefulwhileIgaveheradisapprovinglook.Butlikealways,herjoyspread andIcouldn’tcontainthesmileonmyownface Itwasgoodtoseeherhappy Ireachedoverandheldhergnarledhandinmine.“I’vemissedthatlaugh,G-Mil.”
Shepattedmyhand,quietingdown “AndI’vemissedyou,Vandy YousendmesomuchmoneyIjustendupgivingitaway becausethat’snotwhatIwant.Iwantmyboy.”
Damn,thewomanwasprobablymorethanhalfwaytosenile,butshecouldalwaysgrabmebytheheart “Well,yourboyis heretostay.Isoldthecompanyandmyhouse.AllmystuffisonamovingtruckheadedtoBlueball.Iappreciateyoulettingme stayhereforafewnights.”
Grandma’sshouldersdidalittleshimmy “Idoloveagoodsleepover!We’lldofacemasksandIboughtpopcorn Youpick themovieandI’llchoosethetakeout.”
Igrinned,thefatigueofdrivingoutherethismorningfadingawayfast “Soundsgoodtome Ijustneedtomeetupwithmy realtorandgetatouroftheplacebeforeescrowcloses.”
“Yougodothat,dear,andI’llcatchuponmyshows” Ishookmyhead.“Stillwatchingthatdatingshow?”
“DamnrightIam.Nevertoooldtowatchagoodlovestoryunfold.”
Standing,IletgoofGrandma’shandandreachedforthegiftbagI’dstashedinmytruck.“Igotyoualittlesomething.”
“Isitapuppy?”
Ihuffedoutalaugh.“It’snotapuppy.”
Grandma’sfacefell “Well,shit”
Ilifted the cashmere out of the bagand wrapped it around her neck. The iconic checkpatternincamel, black, and red lookedsillyoverherfloralblouseandslacks,butnothingwastoogoodformygrandma Ifshe’dletme,I’ddeckherinnothing butdesignerballgownsanddrippingjewels.
“Softasapuppy,”Iassuredher.
Sherolledhereyes “Moreexpensivethanadamnpuppy,I’mguessingtoo”Herhandsstrokedthecashmererepeatedly,in opposition to her words. “This is highly unnecessary. In fact, it’s frivolous. You really need to stop throwing around your money,Vandy Saveit!Investit!”
“Ido, Iswear!” Idid the signofthe BoyScouts, thoughI’d never beenone. “ButIlike to spoil you, G-Mil. You’re my girl”
“I’meighty!Hardlyagirl.”Hereyesflashedbutthecornersofhermouthgaveheraway,tippingupslightly.“Youneeda girlyourownage.Speakingof,Iknow ”
“Oh,lookatthetime I’mabouttobelate Ican’tkeepAudreywaiting Itwouldbeincrediblyrudetoshowupintownand belatetomyfirstmeetingwithacitizenofBlueball,”Iannounced,tappingthewatchonmywristthatcostasmuchasmost people’scars
GrandmaMillyfrequentlywentontangentsaboutmydatinglife.Maybethedatingshowsshewatchedgaveherideasabout whatcouldhappenifIfoundtherightwoman.I’dtriedadozentimestodisabuseheroftheideaofhappilyeverafter,butshe stubbornlyrefusedtolistentoreason.
Beingthirty-two,mostofmyacquaintanceshadalreadygottenmarriedandstartedhavingkids.NotoneofthewomenI’d dated over the years seemed like someone Iwanted to spend forever with Infact, thatsounded terrible Justlike ice cream flavors, Ineeded variety. One couldn’tjusteatvanilla everynightfor the restoftheir life. Evenpeanutbutter moose tracks withsprinklesandacherryontopgotoldafterthefourthorfifthtimeinarow
Grandma Milly pulled the scarf fromher neck and whipped me with it. Thankfully, cashmere makes a bad whip. She pushedtotheedgeofthereclinerandthendoubledinhalf,pushingherselftostandinginslowmotion.Ireachedoutahandto helpher,butshegrowledatme.Whenshefinallygottoherfeetandstoodstraightup well,asstraightasherbackcouldget shelookedupatme,completeclarityinhereyes.
“Promiseme,Vandy Promiseyouwon’tthrowyourmoneyaroundhereinBlueball” Iopenedmymouthtoprotestsucharidiculouspromise,butshewasn’tdone.Herfingerpointedrightinmyface. “IfIhavetobeonafixedincome,sodoyou”
“But butyou don’t have to be ona fixed income, G-Mil!Iliterallysend youmoneyeverymonthso youdon’thave to worryaboutanything.”AddgoingoverherfinancestothelistofthingstodonowthatIwasintown.
Grandmatutted “Havingsomuchmoneyisn’tgoodforsomeonesoyoung Plus,youflashthecashandwe’llberobbed!” ShedramaticallygrabbedthepearlsaroundherneckandItiltedmyhead,realizingIwasbeinghustledbysomeonewhobarely crackedfivefeettall
“We’renotgoingtoberobbed.Blueballisasafetown.Ilookedintoit,believeme.”Grandmalookedlikeshewasgearing upforanotherstabataridiculousreasonfornotspendingmymoney,soIputheroutofhermisery Iheldherbytheelbows andleaneddownintoherface.“IpromiseIwon’tflashmycash.”
Shesmiledandthenkissedmycheek,smellinglikecookiesandicyhot.“You’reagoodboy,Vandy.Nowholdonjustone moresecond Imadeyouasweater!”
IreallywasgoingtobelateifIdidn’tgetgoing,butnothingandnoonecouldpullmeawayfromGrandmaMillywhenshe hadsomethingtogiveme She’dbeensendingmethingsinthemaileveryfew months,likeshewasslowlygiftingmeallthe familyheirloomsbeforeshedied.NotthatIhadanyplansforhertokickthebucketforatleastanotherdecade.I’dgetevery longevitydoctorandbiohackerinheretoextendherlifepastonehundred Costwasnotanissue
IfollowedGrandmaintothekitchenwhereshepulledapea-greensweateroffthebackofabarstoolandpresentedittome. Hereyesweresparklingandwide,hersmilelightingherupandmakingherseemtenyearsyounger.
“Ta-da!” She thrustthe hideous sweater inmydirection Itwas a crochetedcardigan,buttons sewndownthe frontanda fewpatchessewnintothechest.Mr.RogerswouldhavewornthisthinglikeabossandyoubetterbelieveIhadeveryintention ofdoingthesame
I took it gently fromher hands and admired the handiwork. She must have spent months crocheting this labor of love. Warmthspreadthroughmychest,andIalmosttearedup.Icouldn’trememberthelasttimesomeonehadgivenmeagiftfrom theheart.
“It’s the bestsweater I’ve ever seen,G-Mil.” Iswepther upintoa careful hug,pullingher offher feetandspinningher
untilsheswattedatmetoputherdown.
SheclaspedherhandsbeneathherchinwhileIputiton,oohingandaahingonceIgotmyarmsthrough.Thesleeveswere justright,skimmingmywrists,andthewidthwasperfectformybroadchest Iwasn’tsureifthegreenwentwithmyshorts,but Ididn’tthinkBlueballwastheheightofthefashionworldanyway.
“Sohandsome,myboy,”shewhispered,tearsinhereyes
“Igotthegood-lookin’genefromyou,”Iwhisperedback,throwingmyarmaroundher shoulder andsteeringher backto herrecliner “Nowdon’tgetintotroubleuntilIgetbackandcanjoinyou” Grandma satdownand lifted her nose inthe air. “Ican’tmake anypromises. Oh, and while you’re out, find yourselfa girlfriend,wouldyou?”
Ishookmyhead She’dbeentellingme tofinda girlfriendever since Igraduatedhighschool,like somehow thatwould bringmesuccessinlife.Ileftherplace,happierthanI’dbeeninalongwhile.Scottsdalehadgottenstalelately.Allthesame restaurants,colleagues,andwomen NewbeginningsstirredmybloodinawayIhadn’tfeltinyears
TheSkinnerhousecameintoviewafterIpunchedinthegatecodeandclimbedthelongwindingdriveway Talltreeslined thedriveway,makingagrandentrance.Thepitch-blackroofoffsetthestackedstonefacadeandcreamywhitekeystonesabove eachwindow Theplacelookedlikeamodern-daycastlewithaturretononesideandasweepingfrontentryofnolessthan tenstairsleadingtoawoodendoorthatbelongedonthefrontofanarchitecturalmagazine.Ifuckinglovedit.
AudreyHellman,therealtorI’dhiredoverthephonebasedoffGrandmaMilly’ssuggestion,stoodbythestairs,patiently waiting for me. She had on a navy suit jacket, paired with gray slacks and the kind of heels that couldn’t possibly be comfortablebutmadeeveryman’sthoughtsplummettothegutter.SeeingthatIwasfiveminuteslate,Islidoutofmytruckand hustledover IfeltguiltywhenIwaslatetoanything,asideeffectofhavingparentswhodoledoutpunishmentforbeingtardy Sadly,IwaslatealotgrowingupandIhadyettogrowoutoftheguilt.
“Mr Booth? So nice to finallymeetyou” Audreyshookmyhand Ihad to give itto her, she didn’tlookputoffbymy sweater in the slightest. She looked happy to see me. I imagined she was, given that the commission on this real estate transactionwouldbeclosetosixfigures Iwasn’tnaiveenoughtobelieveherenthusiasmatmyappearancewasforanyother reason.
“Vander,please.Andyes,it’slovelytofinallybehereinBlueball.”
“Did youjust get intoday?” she asked, climbingthe stairs while somehow still lookingover her shoulder to keep eye contact.Thewomanwasagoddamnprofessional.
“Idid SwungbyGrandmaMilly’splacefirst Thanksformeetingmeforawalk-through” Shejostledthefrontdoorlockandtheoversizeddoorswungopen.“Ofcourse.Youjustboughtthemoststunninghousein allofBlueball.”
My first glimpse of the house left me speechless. From the rough-hewn stone floors to the aged zinc wagon wheel
chandeliers to the floor-to-ceilingvelvet draperies, nothingwas basic inthis house. I stepped inside and had the strangest feelingcomeoverme.Itwasn’tafeelingofbeinghauntedbythepreviousownerslikeonewouldthinkfromthearchitecture style,butmore likea senseofcominghome Tohave arrivedinaplacethatwas as mineas thescar onmyleftelbow from fallingoffmybikewhenIwaseight.I’dneverseentheplacebefore,butitwashome.Allsixthousandsquarefeetofit.
“Ifyou’relookingforoneofakind,Icanimaginethatthisviewwoulddoitforyou,”Audreywassaying,havingwalked overtotheexpansivefrontroomthatGrandmaMillywouldsurelycallaparlor.Shegesturedoutthewindowwithaquirkto hermouth
Ijoined her to take inthe view ofthe entire valley, seeingthe edge ofdowntownBlueball onthe far-leftside. Treetops blockedmostoftheview,butwhatIcouldseemademefeellikeIwastheresidentkingonthehill,surveyingthepeasants.My gazedroppedlower
Makethatthe deceased.
“Isthat ?”Itrailedoff
Audreylostthe fightwithher smile. “Yep. That’s Blueball’s cemetery. The buildingdirectlybelow is Blueball Endless Eternity,thefuneralhomethatoverseestheland”
IvaguelyrecalledAudreytellingmethesesamedetailsbeforeIsentovertheofferonthehouse,butIhadn’tregisteredthe meaninguntilIwasstaringatahundredtombstonesglowinginthelateafternoonsunlight.
“ThankfullyIdon’tspookeasy,”Ireplied,turningfromthewindow,eagertocheckouttherestofthehouse
Audreyspentthebetterpartofanhourwithmecrawlingalloverthethreelevelsinthehousebeforeweclosedtheplace backup Oncethefundsofficiallytransferredtomorrow,thisplacewouldbemine
“Offtogocelebrate?”Audreyaskedafterweshookhands.
Ishrugged,givingofftheeasysmileIhaddowntoascience.Icouldbesittingnakedonaredanthillandstillgiveoffthat smile.“Gotahotmoviedatefollowedbyfacemasksandicecream.”
Audreychuckled.“Soundsheavenly.I’llhavetoseeifmyfiancéisupforthesame.”
“Prettysuresnugglinginfrontofamovieisfiancémandatorybehavior”NotthatI’dknow Soundedaboutrightthoughif Grandma’sshowswereanythingtogoby.
Audrey’sfacewentsoftandIcouldtellshewasmadlyinlovewithwhomeverthisfiancéwas “He’saverygoodsnuggler Thoughhedoesn’thaveasupersoftsweaterlikeyou.Imighthavetosuggestit.”
Ismoothedmyhandsdownthefrontofmyyarncatastrophe.“Nothingsaysyoungandsinglelikeacardigan.”
AudreylaughedlikeIhopedshewould.“Ithinkyou’regoingtofitinjustfinearoundhere,Vander.”
Iwasn’tsosureaboutthat,butInoddedanywayandheadedformytruck.Fittinginhadneverbeenmystyle.Imostlyblew throughtowns, events, and social gatherings like a stand-up comedian, dazzlingeveryone withmywit, butnever connecting withanyone.Blueball,however,didnothaveenoughplacesformetomoveontogreenerpasturessocially,soI’dhavetofind awaytomakeactualfriends
OrIcouldjusthangoutwithGrandmaMillyuntilwewerebothsixfeetunderoneofthoseheadstones.
CHAPTER THREE
Vander
“HELLOOOOO ”Myvoiceechoedoffthestonefloorsandemptywallsofthisnewhouseofmine Thebestacousticswereinthe entryway where the vaulted ceilings and stone walls made me sound like Andrea Bocelli belting one out in the Tuscan countryside
Boxes stackedupdauntinglyineachroomfromwhere the movers hadplacedthemearlier today.Ishouldprobablystart unpackingbut I was havingtoo muchfunmakingmyvoice bounce off the walls. Plus I was tired. Grandma Milly’s spare bedroomcontainedatwinbedthathadsurelybeenmanufacturedbeforethefirstworldwar PrettysureIhadacaseoftetanus fromthatonemetalspringthatdugintomybackallnightlong.
Grabbingthe laundrybasket that held the clothes G-Mil had so kindlylaundered for me this morningwhile Iwas busy directingmovers,IsnatchedupmygraysweatpantsandasoftT-shirt.UntilIfoundtheboxthatheldmysheets,I’dbecrashing onmymattresswithoutcovers.AndIhadyettofindthethermostatinthisplace,soIhopedIdidn’tfreezetonight.Imadequick workofpeelingoffmysweat-soakedjeansandshirt.Sure,I’dhiredmovers,butIcouldn’tjuststandaroundlettingthemdoall theworkwhileIwatched.IpulledonthecleanT-shirtandnearlyasphyxiatedmyself.
“Whatthehell?”Iyankedharderandbarelygotthethingon Ithuggedmychest,strangledmybiceps,andendedjustabove mybellybutton.“No,no,no.”
Igrabbedmyfavoritepairofgraysweatpantsandtuggedthemontoo,realizingwithhorrorthattheyendedatmyshinsand huggedmyasslikeawomaninyogapants.Thekindthatwiggledrightupyourcrackandgotcozy.
“Fuck!” The word bounced off the walls and repeated back to me. G-Mil had put everything in the dryer when I’d specificallyaskedher tohang-drythem.Iwouldn’tsayIwas obsessedwithfashionbyanymeans,butwhatIdidhave was top-notch quality. My dry-cleaning bill was usually more than my grocery bill. I’d spent a pretty penny on these designer sweatpantsthatstrokedmyskinlikesilkandnowtheywouldn’tfitasmallchild
Ashriekfromsomewhereoutsidehadmyheadwhippingupinalarm.Irantothefrontwindowintheparlorandsawtwo peoplerunninghandinhandthroughthecemeterybelow,laughinghysterically Anothershouthadmygazedroppingfurther A womanflailedaboutlikebeeshadtakentoattackingherhead.Thenshekickedacandlethatseemedtocomeoutofnowhere and suddenlythe entire ground around her was inflames. Ididn’tbother waitingto see more. Iwas outthe frontdoor and racingdownthe mountain Myold trainer inScottsdale would be impressed All those sprints where Icursed his name and paidhimthousandsofdollarsforthetorturehadfinallypaidoff.
I reached the fire just in time to see the woman bend over, rip off her skirt, and blanket the flames like she was a professionalfirefighterwithnervesofsteel.Shescrambledtoherfeetinblackdressshoesattachedtolongpalelegsthatwere now bare Noteventhefaintmoonlightcouldhidethesinewycurvesthiswomansported Noteventhemoonlightcouldpull mygazeawayfromthepantiesoddlyreminiscentofGrandmaMilly’sthatcoveredanassIwouldhavepreferredtoseebare, justlikeherlegs.Herdarkhairswungasshepusheditoverhershouldersandassessedthesituation.
“Areyouallright?”Iasked,alwaysonetoleadwithgoodmanners Youcouldgetalotmoreaccomplishedwithkindness, I’dfound.
Alittlemachinedownbyaheadstonekeptpumpingoutbubbles,oblivioustothegravityofthesituation Thebubbleswere sothickinnumbersIcouldbarelyseethebackofthewoman’shead.Itdawnedonmeshe’dbeendownherepoppingbubbles, notfendingoffbees Abeatofsilence had myworryincreasing Whenshe didn’timmediatelyturnaround, Ipaused to look aroundme.Wewereinthemiddleofthecemetery,notonelightilluminatingthesituationnowthatthefirewasout.
“Oddplacefor abonfire,”Idrawled,steppingbackandtothesidetoleanontheheadstone.Ikeptmyhands whereshe couldseethem.Imeantnoillwill.
Thewomanremainedfrozen,butIsawhereyesshifttotherighttostudyme AbubblefloatedbymyfaceandIpokedit Damn.Thatwasfun.Icouldseewhyshe’dbeenflailingaroundearlier.Ipokedanotherone.
“Good call on putting out the fire The bubbles are way more fun” I kept poking them until the woman unfroze, an exasperatedgroanwrenchedfromhermouth.
“Ugh!Mywholecemeterycouldhaveburneddown!”Shebentatthewaistandslappedthebubblemachine Instantlythe bubblesstoppedchurningout.
Ipouted.Whydideveryonealwaysstopthefun?Thislady,despitenothavingpantsonwhichwasusuallyasignofagood time, seemed like she was far too serious about things considering the fire was out and there was no danger Her dark eyebrows were drawn over pretty eyes. Her outfit, minus the granny panties, was dark and somber, much like her mood. “They’realreadydead,Bubbles”
That, apparently, was the wrong thing to say. I’d never seen a woman grow two inches on an inhale of fury. It was fascinating,especiallywhenthewomanwashalfnakedandquitebeautifulinanavenging-dark-angelkindofway
SheopenedhermouthandIwasontheedgeofmyproverbialchair,waitingtoseewhatzingerofaninsultshethrewatme. “Nicebellybutton.”
I blinked That was not what I was expecting I glanced down at myself, finally remembering that I was in toddler clothing,andthatmybellybuttonwas indeedondisplay.Withoutanywarningatall,IdiscoveredIreally,reallylikeddark angels Ifthesituationinthefrontofmypantswasanythingtogoby Althoughthatcouldsimplybeduetobloodflowissuesin thesetightpants.
Thewomanbentagainandsnatchedsomethingofftheground.Asshestraightened,Itookthatmomenttostepforwardand tuckherhairbehindherearsoIcouldswipemythumbthroughasootmarkonhercheek.Sheinhaledsharply,eyessparkling upatme.Shewastall,hergazelevelwithmychin.Ididn’tknowthiswomanatall,butsheseemedequallyangryandturned on,acombinationIcoulddefinitelyworkwith Themomentmythumbtouchedhercheek,sheflinched,bobblingtheflashlight she’dpickedup.Isnatcheditbeforeithittheground,whippingituptoaimitupundermychinlikeIusedtoasaboywhenmy parentsshippedmeofftoanall-boyssummercampandwespenttheeveningsaroundthecampfiretryingtoscaretheshitout ofeachother.
“Itwasadarkandstormynight,”Ibegan,pitchingmyvoicelowandmenacing.
“Forfuck’ssake,”shehissed,grabbingtheflashlightoutofmyhandsandclippingmeonthechin.
Sheletoutamewlandgrabbedherarm,thecomplaintaboutherabusedyingonmylips.Thewomanpracticallyglowed, shewassopale,soIeasilysawinthemoonlightwhatcausedherpain Aredstreakmarredherporcelainskin
Itooktheflashlightbackyetagainandshineditonherarm.“Damn,Bubbles.Youburnedyourself.”
“Noshit,Sherlock,”shespatback
Igrinned,findingherfeistinesshighlyamusing.I’dfoundthatmostwomentookdecadesbeforetheyripenedtheirfeistiness factor, which was probably why Grandma Milly was my best friend. She’d had plenty of decades to perfect her level of ballsiness However, this woman was proving my theory wrong She probably came out of the womb with a scowl and a middlefingerpointedintheair.Ididn’tcareforpushoversandthisfillywassteadyasaheadstonesetinconcrete. “Let’sgetyouuptothehousesowecancleanthatup”
Puttingmyhandonherelbow,Itookasteptowardmyhouse,butshedidn’tfollow.
Thewomanwrenchedherarmoutofmygraspwithascowl “Getlost,buddy,orI’ll findanopenditcharoundhereand pushyouinit.”
Iputmyhandsonmyhips,barelyholdingbacklaughter.Hergazedroppedtowheremypantsweretightest.Ireturnedthe favor,thoughthosedroopypantiesweren’ttightanywhere
“Ican’tingoodconscienceleaveyouburnedandaloneinthecemetery,Bubbles.” “Stopcallingmethat” Ishrugged.“Idon’tknowyournameandbubblesseemsfitting.Likeyourpersonality.”
Sheonlyscowledharder “Ohgood ThenI’llcallyouannoying” “Myname’sactuallyVander.VanderBooth,butyoucancallmeannoyingifyou’dlike.Iloveagoodnickname.” Her eyes narrowed while she seemed to be making some kind of decision in her head. “How’d you get in here? The cemetery’sclosed”
Ipointedovermyleftshoulder.“Iliveupthere.”
“No,youdon’t,”shesnappedwithcompleteconfidencedespitebeingcaughtinpublicinherundies
God,shewasdelightful.“Ido.Justboughttheplace.Closedescrowyesterday.Youcancallmyrealtor,AudreyHellman,if youdon’tbelieveme.”
Shecontinuedtoglareatme,butdidn’tmountanotherargumentorcontinuetotellmeIwasaliar.ThiswaswhatI’dcall progressinourrelationship.
“MarloBalmero.Undertaker.”Sheliftedonesculptedeyebrow,andifI’dhadatail,itwouldbewagginguncontrollably rightnow.“Iknowatleasttenwaystomurderamanwithoutitshowingupasfoulplayonanautopsy,soIsuggestyoudon’ttry tomurdermetonight”
Ihadn’thadthismuchfunsinceGrandmaMillyagreedtogoonthatcruisewithmethreeyearsagoandwe’drecreatedthe famousTitanicsceneatthebowoftheboatformyyearlyholidaycards
IlookedatmywristwhereIdidnotcurrentlywearawatch.“So,isamurdergoodforyoutomorrownight,then?”
She didn’tcracka smile, butshe did tilther head a fractionofaninch “As longas Ihave better underwear on, you’re welcometotryittomorrow.”
Mylipslostthefightandstretchedfromeartoear.“Dulynoted.I’llbesuretocheckunderwearstatusfirst.Nowcanwe pleasecleanthatburnandgetsomeointmentonit?”
“OnlyifIgetatouroftheol’Skinnerhouse.”Shewasnegotiatingwithme.Likeshewasdoingmeafavortoletmedoctor herburn Thiswoman,man Thissmalltown Iwasn’tsureifIwasreadyforwhatI’dgottenmyselfinto,butIwasdamnhappy tofindout.
“Done”
I waved, indicating she should walk next to me up the hill between our two properties. She complied silently, neither acknowledgingnor thankingme for directingthe flashlightather feetso she didn’tstumble into anydivots inthe grass. Her headbegantoswivelleftandrightwhenweclimbedthestairstomyfrontdoor Ididn’tknowwhatreputationtheSkinnershad hereinBlueball,butIgotthesensethatmynewfriendMarlohadneverbeeninsidethishousedespitelivingrightnextdoor.
Inthe entryway, I gave her a once-over, finallyable to see her infull light The panties were evenmore spectacularly horribleunderdaylight-glowbulbs,butherfacewasexquisite.Highcheekbones,fulllashes,andeyesthatheldanintelligence thatmadethiscomputerprogrammerfeeldumbbycomparison.Icouldseeablushrisetohercheeksasshetookinthehouse, like she was excited to finallybe inside ofit, butwhenher gaze settled onme, she’d schooled her features into dismissive boredom.
Whenthesilencehadgoneonlongenoughtomakemeuncomfortable whichwas sayingsomethingbecausethesepants wereincrevicesIdidnotgivethempermissiontobein Ipointedtothehallwayleadingofftheparlor.“PrettysureIhave Band-Aidsinthehallbathroomboxes”
Herlipspulledintoasneer.“IsthatwhereyoukeeptheOompa-Loompas?”Hergazeranupanddownmylength,clearly findingmyoutfitlacking.Funny,comingfromthewomanwithnopants.
Ipointedatmychest.“Theseclothes?They’renotmine.Imean,theyaremine,butmygrandmashrankthemaccidentally.” That explanationdid not seemto improve her impressionof me. Nor should it. What grownmanneeded their grandma doingtheirlaundry?“HowaboutyoukeepyourhandswhereIcanseethemandwegogetthatBand-Aid,huh?” Goddamn, she was cute. Inodded, regroupingto find another wayto make her smile. Mynormal charmwasn’tworking here Iwanted to keep crackingjokes until Ifound justthe rightone to make her smile Could she smile? Iwasn’tsure she possessedthepropermusclestogetthejobdone.SheprobablyBotoxedhersmilemusclesinsteadofherfrownmuscles. “Yes,ma’am.”
Marlo
THE POWDER ROOM AS Icalled itinmyhead because itwas far fancier thana mere bathroom was as impressive as the entryway.TheSkinnershadbeenourneighborsmyentirelife,buttheyrarelycameoutofthehouse.Which,ofcourse,onlyfed myoveractive imagination I’d come up withall kinds ofstories inmyhead as to whattheygotup to all alone inthis huge castleofahouse,eachmoregruesomethanthenext.Iwasoddlydisappointednottoseeanybloodstainsinthetravertinetile.
Vander Booth smoothed a Band-Aid over my forearm, his careful touch sending shock waves throughout my body. ConsideringIwasn’twearingpants,Ididn’tappreciateit Agirlcouldonlyhandleshockwavesfromthetouchofahandsome man when she had pants on. It was a rule in the interpersonal etiquette handbook. There were actually a lot of things you shouldn’tdowhileagirlwaspantless Like,callhernicknamesandteaseherwithasmilethatwassohandsomeshewas in dangerofherpantiesgoingupinflames.I’dhadenoughflamesforonenight,thankyouverymuch.
“Thereyougo.You’regoodasnew.”Vanderflashedmethatsmileagain,andintheclosequartersofthepowderroom,it wasevenmorepowerfulthaninthemoonlight.Hehadadimpleononesideofhismouth,whichshouldhavemadehimlook feminine,buthehadtheaudacitytosportagranitejawlineandthickeyebrowsoversparklingchocolateeyes.Hishairwasjust atouchlong,sweptoffhisforeheadinthekindofmessywavesagirlwantedtogetherhandson Hewasmovie-starhandsome withtheswaggertogoalongwiththeego.
Anditpissedmeoff
“Ifyou’reintendingtoskinmeandwearmeasabodysuit,you’llhavetowaitafew daysforthistoheal.Idon’tsuggest youtryitthough.It’salothardertoskinapersonthanyou’dthink.”
Heblinked,butthesmiledidn’twaver.“I’mnotgoingtoaskhowyouknowthat.”
Isnatched myarmbackoutofhis grasp. No more touching. Mypanties couldn’thandle it. “Whatare yougoingto ask, then?”
His grin intensified and I felt burned all over again. “You seem to have a preoccupation with me murdering you, so hypothetically,howwouldyousuggestIsuccessfullygoaboutthat?”
Iliftedaneyebrow.“WhywouldIgiveyoualltheanswers?You’dusethemagainstme.” Vander held his hands up in a gesture of peace. “My grandma would be incredibly disappointed in me if I murdered someone,sobelievemewhenIsayIhavenointentionofmurderingyou”
“That’sexactlywhatamurdererwouldsay.They’dlureyouinwithcutegrandmatalkwhentheyalreadymurderedsweet grandma and fed her to the plants out front You’re probablywearingthe clothes of a small personyoumurdered just this morning.”
Vandersmoothedhishandsdownhistightshirt Ichosetolookawayfromthemoundsofmusclethatwerestrainingtobe free of the ridiculous material. I would not be the stupid girl in the after-school documentary who fell in love with her murderer.Butthattightroundassondisplaywasn’texactlyplayingfair.
“Iassureyouthat’snotthecase Here I’llshowyou”Hesteppedaroundmeandexitedthepowderroom Ihadnochoice buttofollow,lesthegettoofaraheadofmeandhavetheopportunitytograbamurderweaponwhenIwasn’tlooking.Mostly though,Iwasjustlookingathisass Annoyingly,hekepthishandsintheair,asifheknewIstilldidn’ttrusthim
Whenwereachedthekitchen holycraponacracker,hehadoneofthosefridgesthatwasthesizeofasmallSUVandtwo sinks whothefuckneededtwosinks? hepointeddownatalaundrybasket
“I’mgoingtograbmyphone.”
“Mhm.”
Ikeptupagoodfront,butIwasn’tactuallyworriedhe’dmurderme.He’dusedAudrey’snameoutinthecemeteryandit camefloodingbacktomethatshe’dhadsomeballerofaclientshewasworkingwith Itwasallshe’dbeentalkingaboutthe lastmonth.SomebigspenderwantedtobuyahousehereinBlueball.Naturally,thisplacemadesense.Itwasthelargestand priciesthomeinthecounty Everyoneknewmillionairesdidn’tusuallyjeopardizetheircushylifestyletokillastranger Vanderpulledacellphoneoutofthebasketandthrewaballofyarnatme.“Here’sasweater.”
Ifrownedatthequestionablegarmentbutputiton Vanderlookedupfromhisphone,mouthtwitchingashetookinthehuge greenmonstrositythatnowenvelopedme.
Hisfingerdrewafigureeightintheair.“Imeantforyoutoputitaroundyourwaist,butwhatever.”
Ilookeddownatmybare legs,thankful I’datleastrememberedtoshave yesterday The hemofthe sweater reachedthe bottomofmygrannypanties,therebycoveringmesufficiently.TherewereafewpatchessewnintothesweaterandItiltedmy headtogivethemaread
“Iffounddead,deletemybrowserhistory.”
Vanderchuckled “Yeah,G-Milknowsmewell”
Ilookedupatthehandsomeman,annoyedthathewasslightlyfunny.Inmyexperiencemosthandsomemenwereasboring asprom,allglitterandnobang.Ormaybethathadjustbeenmyexperience.“Minewouldsay,iffounddead,deletemyKindle library”
Vander sidled up next to me, a subtle whiff of cologne distracting me. He smelled like pine trees and bergamot, a combinationhecouldhavehadforfreejustrollingaboutoutside,butprobablyspentachunkofmoneytosprayontohisneck “Look.Asyoucansee,GrandmaMillyisaliveandwell.”
MyjawdroppedopenasIleanedintohisside.Therehewas,standingnexttoMillyinthepictureonhisphone.Heheld keysintheairandhewassportingthesamehideoussweaterInowwore.
“Millyisyourgrandma?”Ijerkedawayfrommusclesandcologneandtemptation.
Vanderwenttoputhisphoneinhispocket,butthoughtbetterofitwhenthematerialwouldn’taccommodateeventhetiniest bitoffurtherstretch.“That’sright.MadLibMilly.SheusedtodothoseMadLibthingswithmewhenIwasakid.God,shewas vulgar!”Vandershookhishead,asoftsmilemakinghimfartoohandsomeforhisowngood “Thoseweregoodtimes” I nodded, brain trying to catch up. “Sure, sure. Nothing like learning about sex from your grandma to really cement foundationalmemories.”
Milly had sewn all the costumes in the school plays, Christmas productions, and even a wedding dress or two. She’d alwaysbeensupersweet,butalittleoff-kilterwithherlongwindedstorytellingandherconstantlaughter.I’donlyhadtohush someone’slaughtertwiceinmyhistoryoffacilitatingfuneralsandbothtimeshadbeenMillyBooth Meetinghergrandson,it allmadesense.Theybothtalkedtoomuchandlaughedlikeitwastheirjob.
I clapped my hands together, startling Vander “Okay, well, thanks for the mini-tour The powder room exceeded expectations,butyoushouldprobablystartwiththekitchenfromnowon.Realstunner.Igottago.”
MyfootstepsechoedthroughthehallwayasImademywaybacktothefrontentry.Vander’sweren’tfarbehind.
“What’sthehurry?Icanshowyoutheturret”
Ifrozewithmyhandonthedoorknob.Fuck.WhenwouldIevergetanotherchancetotouraturret?ThenIrememberedthe time,mylackofclothing,andmyoriginalplansfortheevening,whichdidnotinvolveanannoyingneighborwithfartoomany nauseatingsmiles.
Thedoorswungopenwithoutasinglesqueak,whichwasfascinating,givenitssizeandageandlackofusefromthehouse sittingemptyforseveralyears.I’dhavetoaskAudreyiftheSkinnersleftanyinformationonwheretheygottheirdoor.Notthat Iwasinthemarketforanew doorthatwouldsetmebackfivefigures,butI’dliketodiscusstheirjointgrease.Casketsthat squeakedeerilywhenyouopenedor closedthemwerefrowneduponinmybusiness Iwas always ontheprowl for agood jointgrease.
“Marlo?”
“Huh?”IspunaroundtoseeVanderlookingatmequizzically.Hishandcoveredmineonthedoorknob.
“IaskedifIshouldwalkyouback Beingnewhere,Iwasn’tsureifthecemeterywassafeatnight”
“Oh!” Iremoved myhand and stepped outside. “No. It’s safe. Justanoccasional fire to put out. I’mgood.” Ihooked a thumbovermyshoulderawkwardly.“Gotadate.”
Vander’ssmiledisappearedandhiseyebrowstriedtofrown Evenhisfrownlookedfestive “Oh Sure Okay,well,good luck.”
Istarteddownthestonesteps “I’llneedit,”Imumbled
Thatwas the truth. I’d attempted a bazillionfirstdates. Everytime the guyfound outIwas anundertaker, theysuddenly ghosted me or found a reasonto leave the date early. Evenworse were the guys who didn’tevenbother to getto know me, insteadquizzingmeonallthingsdeath.Itwaslikemenwereeitherobsessedwithundertakersorrepulsedbythem.Iwanteda guywho’dtakemyprofessioninstride,notfreakedoutnorunhealthilyintriguedeither.
WhenIgottoMr.Landers’sheadstone,Iswoopeddowntopickupthebubblemaker.Thatpuppywascominghomewith me.
“I’llsweepupthemesstomorrow,okay?”IaskedMr Landerstodeadsilence IdaredapeekupattheSkinnerhouse,joltingwhenIsaw VanderstandingintheturretIhadn’tinvestigated,hisfantastic physique outlined inthe window witha softlightglowingbehind him He raised a hand and waved Ididn’tbother waving back.Seemedfartoofriendly.
Instead, Ihustled home to take a quickshower Ilaid Vander’s sweater onmybed and made sure to change underwear beforemydate.Iwaitedoutsidemyhouse,purposelygivingthefuneralhomeaddresstoprospectivedateswhenweconnected online.I’dratherweedoutthescaredy-catsrightaway.Itwastenminutespastthetimewhentonight’sdatewassupposedto pickmeupwhenIgothisapologetictextaboutsomeemergencypreventinghimfromkeepingourdate
Withasigh,Iturnedrightaroundandwentinside.Anotheronebitthedust.
Igrabbedabagofchipsoutofthearrangementroomwhereweofferedsnackstothefamilymembersofthedeceasedand headedformybedroom.IfIpushedthecurtainsoutoftheway,IhadadirectviewoftheSkinnerhouse.Iusedtostareupat thathouseasachildandcomeupwithstoriesinmyheadaboutprincessesandcastlesanddragonsthatkilledtheprincesses It wasn’texactlyfairy-talematerial,butithadbeenmyfavoritethingtodoasachild.NowIsatonmybedandstaredupatthe house,envisioningatall,muscularprincewithill-fittingclothesandadimpleofdistraction.
Pickingupmyphone,Itextedmyfriends,studiouslyignoringthehouseonthehillanditsnewowner
Me:Ineedagirls’night
Paisley:Hellyes!!I’llschedulethebabysitter
Keva:She’salive,y’all
Me:WasIeverfeareddead?
Audrey:Ithinkwealwayswonder.Yougodeathlysilentsometimes,babe.
Me:I’mjustbusy
Me:Ilikemycave.
Paisley:Um,KevaandIhavenewborns Weunderstandbusy Youjustgointoyourcave
Audrey:Weknowyoudo,Dracula,butit’shealthytogetoutside Haveyouevenseenthesunshinethelast fewdays?
Me:Yes Ihadtowalkanoldladyaroundtofindtheperfectplotforherdeceasedhusbandyesterdayand sheinsistedonthemiddleoftheafternoon Ididwearahatthough Andlongsleeves Andsunglasses
Paisley:Sigh Let’smeetatmyplace Nodeadpeoplehere
Me:Hey,don’tknockmylife Thedeadpeopleareactuallynicerthanthethreedatesthathavebailedonme inthelastweek.
Keva:Ouch I’llbringthemargaritas
VI’D UNPACKED EXACTLY one box in the last twenty-four hours that I’d been living in my new house Considering my only clothingoptionswereeithermydirtymovingclothesorafewoutfitsthatwerenowcurrentlyonlyfitforakindergartener,Ihad tounpackaboxofclothing Ishouldbeunpackingthekitchentoo,butIhadmoreimportantthingstodo GrandmaMillywas expectingme topickher upandtake her tothe grocerystore today.She insistedshe hadenoughfood,butIsnoopedwhenI stayedthenightwithherandshehadbarecabinetsandawiltyheadoflettuceinthefridge.Thatsimplywouldnotdo.Ifshe wasgoingtolivepastonehundred,Ineededtogetmorenutrientsintoher
Turnedout,theGPSonmytruckwasoverkill.TherewasonlyoneturnandonestoplightbetweenmeandG-Mil.IfIgot lostinBlueball,Ihadnobusinessdrivinginthefirstplace IwasacceleratingthroughthestoplightintersectionwhenIsawan oddsightontheshoulderoftheroad.Islammedonmybrakesandpulledoverinfrontofahideouspurplecar.Itwasanoddly shapedcar,likeacardboardboxonwheels,butitwasthelegsstickingoutfromunderthecarthatheldmyattention.
I’drecognizethosepalelegsanywhere.
ThegrinwasalreadystretchingacrossmyfacewhenIslidoutofmytruckandapproachedwithcaution.I’dspentmostof lastnightthinkingaboutmynew neighborandbeinghighlyamused ThenI’drememberherdateandI’dbeleftannoyedwith myselfforcaring.IwasinBlueballtohelpGrandmaMilly,notflirtwiththeoddlybeautifulwomannextdoor.
I would have worried Marlo had actually been murdered not by me like she thought if it weren’t for the string of creativecursescomingfromunderthecar.
“It’sthewickedwitchofthewest!”Iexclaimed,leaningagainstthehoodofhercarandfoldingmyarmsacrossmychest.I watchedherlegsjoltandthengetdeathlystill.“Wait.Orisitthewickedwitchoftheeast?Icanneverremember.”
Withanadmirable grunt, Marlo crawled outfromunder her car, lookingadorable ina blackband T-shirtthathad seen betterdaysandcutoffjeanshorts TheBand-AidI’dgivenherlastnightwasstillonherforearm Hernailswerepaintedadark purpletodayandshewasn’tsportinganymakeup.Herdarkhairblewaroundherfaceinthegentlebreeze.Isawaleafortwo caughtinthestrands,probablyfromlyinginthedirtwhileshecursedathervehicle
“Ohlook,Annoyingisback,”shedeadpannedwithastraightface.
Igrinned.“Nicetoseeyouagaintoo,Bubbles.”Ipointedtohercar.“Havingdifficulties?”
Sheshookherhead “No,Iliketostopandsmelltheundercarriagesomedays” AlaughbubbledupandIdidn’tmiss the wayMarlohadtofighttokeepher lips fromtippingupatthe corners.“MayI offermyassistance?”
“No.”
Iheldoutmyhand “Givemethecrowbar”
Sheliftedthepieceofmetalandbrandisheditlikeaweapon.“No.Youmightmurdermewithit.” Irolledmyeyesandeasilysnatcheditfromher hands.“Arewedoingthisagain?PrettysureIwouldn’tchoosedaylight hoursinthemiddleofbustlingdowntownBlueballtocommitmurder”
Marlofrownedsohardherdarkeyebrowshadcrawledtogether.“Awomancanneverbetoocareful.”Shetiltedherhead. “AndIhavecleanpantiesontoday,somyhead’sbasicallyonthechoppingblock”
Mybraininstantlyzeroedinonthepantiesstatement,envisioningthoselonglegsinlacyblackpanties,becauseofcourse Marlowouldhaveablackpairon Nosparklypinkforthiswoman
“Ohreally,”Imutteredsuggestively,leaningintowatchthewaycolorstainedhercheeks.IwasstartingtoseethatMarlo
was good at maintainingthat straight face, but there was a lot more goingonunder the surface. It might have beenwishful thinking,butIcouldhaveswornMarloswayedtowardmebeforeherspinesnappedstraightandhereyesnarrowed.
“Doyouknowhowmanypeopledieeachyearonthesideoftheroadwhentheircarbreaksdown?”
Isteppedclosertothebacktirethatwasclearlyflat.“Can’tsayIdo.Iprefertolookatthebrightersideofthings.Know howmanypeoplemeettheirfutureloveinterestonthesideoftheroadeachyear?”
Her cheeks went redder and her mouth snapped shut. I chuckled, crouched down, and loosened the lug nuts with the crowbar “Gotajackinyourtrunk?”
Shehuffedbutgotitforme,handingitover.“Ithoughtthelugnutswereonthebacksideofthetire,”shemuttered. “Commonmistake,Bubbles.”Withthecarupononeside,Itookoffthelugnutsandremovedthetire.“Handmethespare.”
Shegrowledbuthandedmethespareamomentlater Mynewneighbordidnotlikeamantellingherwhattodo,thatwas clear.Mademewanttobarkallkindsofordersatherjusttohearherhissandspit.
Lugnutsinplace,Iloweredthejackandremovedit “Shouldbegoodtogo,aslongasyou’renotgoingfar Blueballhave arepairshop?”
“Theydo”
Iputallthetoolsinthebackofhercarandrubbedmyhandstogethertowipeoffsomeoftheblackstreaks.“Okay,well, I’llfollowyoutomakesureyougettheresafe.”
“No,thankyou”Marlomovedtothedriver’ssidedoor,frownfirmlyinplace “Iwasn’tasking,”Idrawled.
“I’mnotwaiting,”shedrawledrightback
Sheslammedherdoorshutandcrankedtheengine.Irealizedherintentionrightasshegavethecarsomegas.Ihadtojump outofthewaytokeepfrombeingsideswipedassherocketedbackintotraffic thoughasinglesolitarycarontheroadwas hardlywhatI’dconsidertraffic.
Iranformytruck,hoppinginandfollowingherbeforeshegottoofaraway.Twoblockslater,sheturnedandbouncedover thecurbintoarepairshopparkinglot Iwinced,hopingthatdinkysparewouldhold Pausinginthemiddleofthestreet,Igave herafriendlywave,whichsheignoredbyturningherheadtheotherwayandpretendingIdidn’texist.
MylaughterwasloudandabundantaloneinthecabofmytruckasIpulledawayandheadedforGrandmaMilly’splace Marlohadsomethingagainstwaving,alongwithageneral grumpinessthatfascinatedme.Itwasachallengetogetagenuine smileoutofher.TwointeractionsandIhadn’tseenityet.
GoodthingVanderBoothneverbackeddownfromachallenge.
“Whyareyousmiling?Thepriceoforganicblueberriesisenoughtosendanoldwomanintocardiacarrest!”
G-Millookedreadytothrowherheavypursedownandfightmeovermyinsistenceonorganicfruitsandvegetables.The youngguystockingthepineapplestriedtolooklikehewasn’teavesdroppingbuthekeptgivingusobviousside-eye.
Iputmyhandsonhershouldersandmadeherlookmeintheeye.“Grandma,youneedhealthyfoodtolivealongtime.I can’tletyoubuymuffinsforbreakfast.”
“Theyhaveblueberriesinthem!”SheglaredatmesohardIactuallystartedtoworryaboutthatheartattack “Alongwithalotofsugarandgluten.”
“What’swrongwithgluten?Youyoungpeople,Iswear I’veeatenglutenmywholelife!Ididn’tlivetomyeightiestobe toldIcan’thaveagoddamnbiteofglutenforbreakfast.Bringbackthegluten,Isay!”
Ohboy, this was unravelingfast “Okay, how about this? I’ll bake yousome homemade blueberrymuffins withorganic blueberries.Wouldyoulikethat?”
G-Milliftedhernoseintheair.“Imightacceptthat.”
“Great Let’smoveontosnacks”
Ipushedthe cartoutofthe produce aisle,hopingwe couldmake itthroughthe snackaisle withoutanother tantrum.This waslikeshoppingwithatoddler I’dseenthewomenwranglingmultiplechildrenwhiletryingtofillacartwithdecentfood Seemedlikemaybegrocerydeliverywouldbeabetteroptioninthefutureforbothmeandmomsoftoddlers.
“Whywereyousolateanyway?”G-Milasked,suddenlyhappyanddumpingeverysinglebagofchipsintothecartthatshe couldgetherhandson.Thankfullyshecouldn’treachthetwotopshelvesorI’dhavetogetanothercart.
Idecidedtopickmybattlesandkeptmymouthshutaboutthechips.“Oh,IsawMarloonthesideoftheroad,soIstopped tochangehertire”
G-Milfrozeinhertracks,thenspunaround,forgettingallaboutthechipsshe’dhadherclawson.“Marlo?Fromthefuneral home?Iwasn’tawareyoutwokneweachother”
I nodded, not yet seeing the trap I was walking into. “Yeah, we met last night actually. She had a little incident at the cemeteryandIcameouttocheckonher.Endedupbandagingherarmandgivingheraquicktourofmynewplace.”
Grandmarubbedhergnarledhandstogether.“Oh,theBalmerosaresuchalovelyfamily.ShamenoonehasturnedMarlo’s headyet.Imustsay,youngmenarejustbuiltdifferentlythesedays.”
Asoneofthoseyoungmen,Iwasaffronted “What’sthatsupposedtomean?”
Grandmashruggedandpulledthecartdowntheaisletowardtheshinypackagesofcookies.“Justthatyoungmenthesedays want a girl witha juicybootyand a huge social media following Theydon’t realize that booties droop and social media accountsgetshutdownintheblinkofaneye.Whatyouboysneedis substance. ”
Ithoughtbacktomylastdate.She’dhadashapelybacksideandacultfollowingonherstyleaccount.Well,shit.Ihated beingpredictable.
“Andwhatisyourdefinitionofsubstance?”
GrandmaputapacketofOreosinthecart,whichItookoutandputbackwhensheturnedtogrababoxofchocolatechip cookies.“Asolidworkethic,afocusonbuildingafamily,andapersonalitythatlastsevenwhenthephysicalcrumbles.”She shruggedandreacheduphighforgingersnaps “Youknow,likeMarlo”
Irealizedmyfollyimmediately.InevershouldhavebroughtupawomaninfrontofG-Mil.Shewouldforeverbetryingto playmatchmaker.She’donceseenapictureofmewithadateatacharityeventinanobscuregossipcolumnrightaroundthe time Isold mycompanyand mailed the womana care package ofmyfavorite foods Icouldn’tremember the woman’s first nameandG-Milhadbeenreadytomailtheweddinginvitations.
Distraction That’swhatIneeded
“SoIwasthinkingofopeningabusinesshereinBlueballsinceyouwon’tletmespendmyfortune.”
Grandmaspunbackaround,interestinthosesharpeyes Herfoodchoiceswerethatofatoddler,buthermindwassharpas atack.“Oh?Whatkindofbusiness?”
Ipushedthecartawayfromthesnackaisleandtowardcheckout.“I’mnotsureyet,butIwantittobesomethingfunthat bringsfriendsandfamilytogether SomethingthatenhancesBlueball”
G-Milputherhandonmineandpattedit.“Oh,Iquitelikethat,Vandy.Havingapurposeisgoodforaman.Youcan’tbe retiredatthirty-two You’dgomad!”
Igaveherasqueezeandmovedtoputthegroceriesontheconveyerbelt.“Mypurposeistotakecareofyou.”
“Ohh” She waved her hand throughthe air, as ifto batawaymysuggestion “Idon’tneed help Igetbyjustfine onmy own. What youneed is a girlfriend.” She paused, staringat the groceries I was unloading. She was probablycountingthe cookieboxesandcomingupshort.Ihurriedtoputtherestofthegroceriesupandmoveherandthecarttotheregister.
ShesnaggedmyhandandsqueezeduntilIlookeddownather Herpaleblueeyessparkledupatme “Idolovehavingyouherewithmethough.”
“Same,G-Mil You’remybestfriend”Ileaneddownandkissedthetopofherhead,breathinginthepowderyscentofthe womanwho’dalwayslovedmeunconditionally.
Ididn’tgethomeuntillatethatnight.Afterputtingawayallthegroceries,I’dspenttherestofthedaybakingandcooking, makingsureG-Mil hadready-mademealsfor theweek.Thehomemademuffinsmayhavebeengluten-free,butInoticedshe atetwoofthembeforeIlefthertowatchhernightlyshow.
“Night,Grandma.”
“Night,Vandy!”shecalledfromherchair,coziedupinhernightgownandablanketoverherlegs.Hergazewasalreadyon therealityshow
“I’llseeyoutomorrow.”
“Thinkaboutthatgirlfriendidea!”
Iwavedhersuggestionawayandheadedhometomyboxes.There,onthefrontstepofmyhouse,wasapackage.Igotout ofmytruckandapproached,realizingitwas mysweater as Igotcloser TheoneMarlohadbeenwearingwhensheleftmy house.Therewasanoteontopofthefoldedsweater,chickenscratchwritingonBlueballEndlessEternityletterhead.
I’d make it look like an unfortunate accident, and I’d make sure I had a solid alibi for that timeframe Itossedmyheadbackandroaredwithlaughter
Thewomanhadtoldmehowshe’dgetawaywithmurder.
Weirdest Town Ever
Marlo
THE RETIREES of Blueball and surrounding areas were awfully quiet this week And by quiet, I meant not dying I had the morningoff.Nofuneralsorembalmingsorevenappointmentsforbuyingplots.Iwasblessedlyfreetodowhateveranalmost thirty-year-oldsingle womandid Iwouldhave lazedaroundinmybedwithcopious saltyandsweetsnacks,followedbya Netflixbinge,butthegirlshaddesignatedtodayasourgirls’night.Girls’morningjustdidn’thavethesameringtoit,butthat waswhenweallcouldmanagetimeoff.
IstoppedbyCrazyBeansforacoffee,blackasmysoul,andahitofsugar Ihadatrayofbrowniesinthecartoshare,and ifIdidn’tpickupanailinoneofmytiresagain,I’dbeovertoPaisley’sbeforeten.Normally,Ikeptmyheaddownanddid mybusinessaroundtowntoavoidannoyingconversation,butIfoundmygazesweepingtheinsideoftheshop,lookingfor a tall goldenmanwitha fuckingsmile stamped across his face. Onprinciple, Ididn’ttrustpeople who smiled so much, butI couldadmitthatIfoundmyselfintriguedwithVander.AndknowingIwasintriguedpissedmeoffandaddedtomybadmood.
Myparentswouldbedismayed,claimingtheyraisedmebetter,butmyfriendswouldunderstandmylackofmannersupon arrival.Withthetrayofbrowniesinonehandandmycoffeeintheother,Icouldn’tknockonPaisley’sdoor.Itonlymadesense tokickittoletherknowIwasonherdoorstop Anditfeltgoodtokickit LikeIwasgettingoutsomefrustrationthathadbeen bubblinginsideallweeklong.Ireallyhadnothingtobefrustratedwith,exceptformyself.
I’d beeneyeingthe Skinner house dayand nightsince I’d beenup there withVander He irritated me to no end withhis endlessjokesandhisdisturbingsmiles,andyetmyeyestriedtosearchhimout.Itwasridiculous.Itwasabsurd.Andifthis shitwithmyeyeballsdidn’tstopsoon,Iwasgoingtotakemattersintomyownhandsandstraphorseblinderstomyface.
“Yougoingtojustscowlatyourfeetallmorning,oractuallycomeinside?”
Paisley’s drawl had myhead whippingup. See? Iwas off-kilter, losingcontrol ofmythoughts to a personIdidn’teven like Shehadthedoorwideopenandanamusedgrinonherface
“DidAudreybringmimosas?”
Paisleywaggledhereyebrows,whichwasalltheconfirmationIneeded “ThenI’mcomingin”
IswoopedpastheranddumpedmybrownietrayonthekitchencounterbeforeturningandhuggingPaisleyandthenAudrey. Kevawasn’thereyet.Boston,Audrey’sfiancé,wavedandbentdowntokissmycheekbeforeturningtosneakouttheback.
“He’sgottogetbacktoworkbuthesawmycarpullup,”Audreyexplained BostonworkedhereatGlamper’sParadisewithGannon,Paisley’shusband,andLincoln,Keva’shusband.Mythreebest friendshadfoundmenandtruelovethislastyearandahalf Iwashappyforthem Really Justlookatmyface Totallyhappy Kevaburstthroughthefrontdoor,calling,“SorryI’mlate!IleakedontomyshirtandIhadtogochange.”
Igrimaced Forsomeonewhodealtwithdeadbodiesallthetime,Iwasoddlysqueamishaboutaliveones Inthelastfew monthsI’dheardmorethanIeverwantedtoknowaboutepisiotomystitchesandleakynipples.Forfuck’ssake,letagirlfind lovebeforeyoutellheraboutthedarksideofthings.
Audreygrabbed myhand and pulled me downonthe couchwithher Paisleysatonmyother side and Keva satonthe coffeetabledirectlyinfrontofme.
“Didyouwantachair?”Iasked,quitepolitely,Ithought Kevashookherheadandleanedcloser,elbowsonherknees.Warningbellseruptedinmyhead.Everyonewasstaringat me Well,fuck Iknewwhatthiswas I’dbeenontheotherendofthissituationbefore “We’rehavinganintervention,honey,”AudreysaidsonicelyIwantedtosmackher.
Myheadwasalreadyshakinganinsistentno.“Idon’tneedaninterventionunlessyou’retalkingaboutwhattodowithmy landproblem.”
“You’vebeenverydistractedlately,”Kevathrewoutthere
“Wewereactuallyprettyshockedtogetyourtextaboutagirls’night.”Paisleypattedmyhand.Ihatedpatstothehand.Why didpeopleneedtotouchwhentheyspoke?
Isnatched myhand awayto flail itaboutinthe air. “I’ve beenbusy. Working. Takingover the business. Youguys know this”
“Wedoknowthis,butthisismore.You’vemademultipleremarksaboutmenlately,andasyourbesties,it’suptoustopry thebullshitoutofyou.”Kevalookedlikeshewasreadytograbthecrowbar.
Igrimaced “Thatsoundsterrible”
“What’supwithyourrecentdates?”
“Didtheyghostyou?Orweretheyjustterriblehumans?”
“AretheseallfromthatoneappItoldyouabout?”
“Youknow,Ithinkmaybeweneedtofindsomeonelocal Onlineisacesspool” “Girls!” Ihadtoraise myvoice tobe heardover their pepperingofquestions andcomments aboutmylove life.“Yes,I havegoneonsomebummerdatesandbeenghostedbysomeothers.ButI’mfine.Justworkinganddating.It’sallgood.”
Audreyleanedintomyside Moregoddamntouching “You’renotcryingyourselftosleepatnight?”
Iscoffed.“DoIlooklikeacrier?”Ipointedtomychronicallydryeyes,theonesthatdidn’tcryevenatthemostemotional funerals Youdidn’tgrow upliterallyinafuneralhomewithoutdevelopingsomethickskinandemptytearducts Cryingjust wasn’tinmywheelhouse.
Paisleytutted.Kevasighed.Audreytriedandfailedtosuppressagiggle. “WhatIreallyneedisasolutiontomybusinessproblem.” “What’sthat?Anon-toxicembalmingsolution?”
Paisleywas sucha smart-ass “No Whenembalmingyouwant all the toxins possible Imeanmyland problem We’re runningoutofplots.”
“Ohshit,”Kevawhispered,eyeswide “CouldyouexpandwithanotherfuneralhomeinHell?”
Icouldn’thelpit,Ichuckledabit.Wouldn’tthatbesomething?ToownafuneralhomeinatownaffectionatelycalledHell? Thatmightbethepinnacleofundertakersuccessactually.
“No, Idon’twantto duplicate the funeral home inanother town. Idon’thave anyone to runanother location. Ijustneed moreland.”
“Icanhelpyou,”Audreysaidquickly “IcanrunasearchforpropertieswithoverfiveacresinBlueballandseeifanyone wantstosell.Girl,Igotyou.ThisiswhatIdo!”
Iwasnoddingalong,mentallykickingmyselffornotgoingtoAudreyrightaway Shewasarealtorandcouldsteermein the right direction, and she’d do it withthe best friend discount. Maybe myfriends were correct intheir assessment ofmy personalityfault:Ireallydidneedtoreachoutandaskforhelp,evenwhenitpainedmetodoso.Therewasundevelopedland rightbehindthecemeteryalready Maybetheownerwantedtosell,butIwouldn’tknowthatuntilIgotmyrealtorbestietohelp me.
“Iactuallyhaveaparcelinmind It’sperfect,actually”Isatupstraighter,gettingintoitnowthatmyfriendshadforcedme toopenup.“Youknowthat ”
Aloudknockonthedoorhadallofusturninginthatdirection Audreyjumpedup
“Oh!That’sprobablymyclient.Iinvitedhimovertomeettheboys.He’snewintownandneedsfriends.”Sherushedoffto thedoorwhilemybraincametoascreechinghalt.IstaredatthescuffedtoesofmyDocMartensandwishedforthefloorto openupandswallowmewhole
Itcouldn’tbe,couldit?
“Ladies,thisisVanderBooth Vander,thesearemyfriends,Paisley,Keva,andMarlo” I looked up to see Audrey with her hand on Vander’s elbow as she pointed to each of us. He stood there looking disturbinglyhandsomeindarkjeansthatcametohisankles,aloose-fittingT-shirtthatprobablycostmorethanmycar,andhis grandma’s handmade greensweater.He’daddeda patchsince I’dwornit In my defense, I was left unsupervised which wasalsofunny,damnhim.Vandertossedthatflirtatioussmiletoeachofmyfriendsbeforehisgazelandedonme.Ifanything, thesmilegrew,asifitknewhowmuchIdislikeditanditsimplyfedoffmynegativity
“Well, well, well. Are youwearingnice panties today, Bubbles?” Vander asked immediately, creatinga wide varietyof reactionsfrommyfriends Audreylookedshocked,Kevaappearedpissed,andPaisleyseemeddisappointedthatyetanother handsomesinglemanturnedouttobeadouchebag. Join the club, sister.
“Itappearsyoufoundclothesthatfittoday,Annoying,”Isnappedrightback.
“Imurderedanormal-sizedmantoday.”
“What?Youcouldn’tfindmoreOompa-Loompas?”
“Blueballisfreshout,thoughIhearyoucanoftenfindwomenoutlateatnightinjusttheirunderwear.”
MyfaceburnedhotandIsnappedmymouthshutbeforeIcouldtellhimtogotoHell.Itwasliterallyrightnextdoor.Not thathardtofind HeadswereswivelingbackandforthandIknewmyfriendshadathousandquestionstheynowwantedtoask me.
“Okay ”Audreysaidtentativelyintothechargedsilencebeforepastingonabrightsmile Shedidremoveherhandfrom Vander’sarm,however,amovethatbroughtmerelief.Andpissedmeoff.“Lookslikeyoutwoknoweachother,huh?”
Vander, who possessed better peoplingskills thanme didn’ttake much smoothed things over “Yes, infact, we meta fewnightsagoatthecemetery.OurMarlohereisquitethefunnywoman.”
“Oh,isshe?”Kevaasked,leaningclosertoVanderlikehewasthesourceofallthetowngossip.“Dotell.”
I stood up fromthe couch “I’msure youhave somewhere better to be Maybe up inyour castle, lordingover us little folks?”
Vander’sdimplewinkedatme “Oh,IonlylordoverOompa-Loompas”
“I’mstillwonderingaboutthepantiescomment,”Paisleyinterrupted.“DoIneedtokickyourasstodefendMarlo’shonor? Becausethebaby’sgoingtobeupfromhernapinliketenminutes Mytimeforass-kickingislimited”
Vanderhadtheaudacitytolightuplikeacremationfurnace.“Baby?Ilovebabies!Ifyouneedababysitter,I’myourguy.”
BothKevaandPaisleywerealreadynodding,wonoverbyatotalstrangerforsimplyofferingtobabysit.
“He’sastranger,y’all Andpossiblyamurderer Youcan’tlethimbabysitAsterandCora” Audreyfrownedatme.“He’snotamurderer,Marlo.”
“Yeah,Bubbles”
IshotVanderascathinglook.Ididnotappreciatehimgangingupwithmyfriends.“Hehasmoney,Audrey,butyoudon’t knowthathecamebyitlegally.”
Audreyopened her mouthand thensnapped itshut. Ha!Gother there. She was so blinded bythe dollar signs thatcame withthehousesale,she’dforgottenthatshedidn’tactuallyknowVanderBooth.Noneofusdid.
Vanderputhishandsup “I’mnotheretomurderanyone,andthankyoufortheoffer,Ais,butI’dpreferanass-kickingon anotherday.Iactuallycametomeettheguys,butalsototalktoReyaboutanotherrealestatedeal.”
“Ais?Rey?”Paisleymuttered,lookingconfused Audrey,ontheother hand,pounced,puttingher handbackonVander’s elbow.“Sure!Whatever youneed,Icanhelpyou with.Wantanotherhouse?Maybeoneupinthemountains?Likeavacation-typeplace?”
Whatthehell washappeninghere?How hadVander beenhereall ofthreesecondsandmadefriendswithmybesties?It hadtakenme kindergartenthroughfifthgrade tomake PaisleyandAudreylike me.Keva onlyputupwithme whenshe first movedherebecauseIstuckaroundlikeanannoyingbarnacleofloserdom
“I’dliketobuyaplotoflandformynewbusiness,”VanderannouncedasIglaredatthesideofhishead.
“Great!Let’sgotakealookandwecanputinanofferthisafternoon”Audreywasseriouslypissingmeoffwiththehand squeezes.Whydideveryonehavetotouchsogoddamnmuch?
“Sweet.It’stheplotoflandbehindtheSkinnerhouseandthecemetery.”
Furyclimbedupmyspineandoutmymouthlikesomekindofalienexplosionintheformofagarbledgasp Vanderwanted thesameplotoflandI’dalreadyscopedouttobemine.Andhehadthedeeppocketstooutbidme,severaltimesover. “Youflirtylittleweaselindollclothes!”
V“MARLO!” Audreygasped,probablyshockedatMarlo’s inabilitytoformanadult-level insult Doll clothes?Damn,thatshit wasfunny.
Marlo,though,didn’tseemtofindanythingfunnyrightnow Ormaybeever HercheekswerethecolorofG-Mil’slipstick and her hands were clenched into fists ather side. Butmostlyitwas the eyes thatgave her away. She looked like she was summoningfire-breathingbeastsfromthedepthsofhelltocomeearthsideandwipemefromexistence.Hereyeswerefucking terrifying SheopenedhermouthandIexpectedbatstoflystraightatmyhead.“No, I’m buyingthatland.”Thankfully,thebatsdidn’t materialize,buthermeaningwasclear Ifshecouldinfluencethesaleofthatplotbysheerforceofwill,thatlandwasalreadyMarlo’s.
Butthatjustwouldn’tdo.Icouldn’tliveoutmylifeupintheol’Skinnerhouse,retiredatthirty-twoandeventuallydyingof boredomonlytobeburiedinMarlo’scemeteryandhaveherdesecratemygraveonadailybasisjustforfunsies.Iwantedto havethefunsies.IwantedtobuildanewbusinessinBlueballallaboutfunsies.AndIneededthatlandtodoit.
Icrossed myarms over mychest, tryingto lookjustas scaryand probablyfailing “Ithinkyoumusthave hityour head tryingtochangeyourtire. I’m buyingthatland.”
Marlosomehowstoodinfrontofmewithoutherlegsactuallydoinganywalking Sheprobablythreatenedthespace-time continuumuntilitcavedandlethermovefreelyaboutthespaceunlikeusmeremortals.
Sheglaredatme,extendingherspinelikeherfivefooteightwassomehowintimidating.Sheshouldsticktotheeyeglower. “Youjustmovedhere.You’reanoutsider.”
Ileanedintoherspace.“Youmakesuchanexcellentwelcomingcommittee,Bubbles.”
Shemovedlightningfast,asinglefingernowdrillingintomychestasshepracticallyvibratedwithanger “Thetownneeds thatland.Youcan’tswoopinhereondayoneandsteallandthatweneed.Ipromiseyouyou’llberunoutofherewithyourtail betweenyourlegs”
TheoutrageIdemonstratedwasallpretend.“HowdoyouknowIhaveatail?”
“Believeme,Isaweverythinginthosetoddlerclothesyouliketowear!”
Igrinned,watchingherangerflameevenhigheratmyamusement SoundedlikeMarlolikedcheckingmeoutinthattight outfit.“Youwerecheckingmeout,Bubbles?Veryinteresting.G-Milwillbesohappyyou’reinterestedinhergrandson.”
Hereyeslitupandshesputtered “SpeakingofMilly Youwanttobetheassholewhostealslandfromthetown?Youthink that’llpaintherinagoodlight?”
Humorvanishedinaninstant Pokefunofmeallyouwant,butnobodytalkedaboutGrandmaMillyinthreateningtoneslike that.Veiledornot,thethreatwasthere.AndIwouldn’tstandforit.
I smacked her finger off my chest, absolutely done with the teasing. I was pretty sure Marlo knew it too because she suddenlydidn’tlooklikeshewasabouttospitfire Sheshrunkback “Don’tyoudarespeakaboutG-Mil”
I opened my mouth to unload, but Audrey interrupted, wedging herself between us. “Guys?” She swiveled her head betweenus, butMarlo and Iwere too busyglaringateachother and breathinghard “No one is buyingthatland today We don’tevenknowwhoownsitandifthey’rewillingtosell.Howaboutwealljustsettledownbeforewesaysomethingwe’ll regret?”
“Iregretnothing,”Marlosnapped.
“Noteventhegrannypanties?”Isnappedback.
Marlo inhaled sharplythroughher nose and thenspun, walkingawayto sit inthe chair inthe far corner of the room. I steppedbackalso,givingAudreysomeroom Ihadn’tcomeheretostartafight I’dcometomakefriends Theironywasnot lostonme.MakingfriendswasnotexactlymystrongsuitandhereIwasgettinginafightandfuckingthingsupalready.
“I’msorry,ladies I’llstartover I’mVanderBooth,newestresidentofBlueballandgrandsonofMillyBooth Ijustbought theSkinnerhouse,thankstoReyhere.”
IshookhandswithPaisleyandKeva,bothofwhomdidnotlookatallputoffbymyverbalsparringmatchwithMarlo If anything,theyweregivingeachother slylooks.Thatweirdthingwomendidwhentheyhadawholeconversationwiththeir eyeswithoutsayingasingleword.Marlocontinuedtoglareatmefromthecornerwhiletheladiesaskedmequestionsabout whereIwasfromandwhyI’dmovedtotown
“IcametotakecareofGrandmaMilly.She’smybestfriend.”
Allthreeladiesgotpuppydogeyesandfilledtheroomwithsoftsighs PrettysureMarlohissedatme “I’mretiredfrommyfirstcareer,butG-Mil andIhavebeentalking.I’mtooyoungtositathomebored.Iwanttostarta businesshereinBlueball Hencethesearchforland”
“Forwhat?Aplacetoburyyourmurdervictims?StorageforyourOompa-Loompas?”Marlo’svoicecouldhavecutglass withallitssharpness.
God,Ilovedherinsults Ihatedtosayit,buttheykeptmeamused “Nah,Icanuseyourcemeteryforthat Theland’sfora paintballfield.”
“Oh!Ilovepaintball!”Paisleygavemeanencouragingsmile “Can’tsayI’vetriedit,butI’dbeuptogiveitago.”Kevashrugged. “Areyoufuckingkiddingme?”ThiswasfromMarlo,ofcourse.
“Idon’tkidaround,”Idrawled,whichwasclearlyalie.That’smostlyallIdid. Marlo shot out of her chair. “What this town needs is an expanded cemetery. That takes precedence over some silly paintballfield”
“Idon’tknow.HaveyouaskedBlueball?Maybetheydon’twantanexpandedcemetery.Maybetheywantsomefun!” Marloscoffed,lookingatherfriendsforsupportandnotfindingmuch “Allyoucareaboutisfun”
Iwinkedather,watchingherbloodpressureclimbtounhealthylevelsagain.“Someofusknowhowtohavefun,Bubbles.” Marlo got scaryquiet, eyes like laser beams as she glared at me. Iwasn’t sure what someone puttinga hexonanother personlookedlike,butitwasprobablyalotlikehowMarlolookedrightnow.
Adoor somewhere inthe backofthe house slammed and boots traipsingacross hardwood floors filled inthe awkward silence
“Hey,what’swithalltheshouting?”Aguywithabaseballcaponandenoughmuscletomakemerethinkmygymschedule, orlackthereof,enteredtheroomfromthehallway Hisgazeskimmedovertheladiesbeforezeroinginonme Thebluetoneof hiseyeswentfrosty.“Andwhoareyou?”
Iheldoutmyhand.“I’mVanderBooth.NewestresidentofBlueball.Audreyinvitedmeovertomeeteveryone.”
Ifthatguywasn’tscaryenough,aneventallerandbeefierguycameintothelivingroomandimmediatelywenttoAudrey’s side.“Isheagoodone?”herumbledloudenoughwecouldallhear.
Audreysmiled “Yes!He’stheonewhojustboughttheSkinnerhouse He’snewintownandIthoughty’allwouldliketo meethim.Playnice,boys.”
Athirdmanenteredtheroom,shorterthanthefirsttwo,butmorerippedandtattedout HepulledKevaoutofherseaton thecouchandsatinherspot,pullingherbackdownonhislap.Themeaningwasclear:thisismywoman,don’tlookortouch. Thefirstmangrunted.“Canyouplayamusicalinstrument?”
Clearly,therewasarightanswerhere,butinsteadofoverthinkingit,Ispokethetruth “Nah,butIcansing Beenknownto rockkaraokeatimeortwo.”
Thetensionintheroombrokeandthefirstguybrokeoutintoasmile “Hotdamn!Okay,cool YoufreenextFriday?” “He’sbusy,”Marlodeadpanned.
Thankfully, my new friends talked right over her “I will gladly pass the microphone to you, buddy I’mBoston” The biggestguyintheroomleanedaroundAudreytoshakemyhand.
“AndI’mLincoln,thedrummerinourlittleband.”Theguyonthecouchsmiled,suddenlynotintimidatingatall.
Inodded,feelingexcitedaboutthepossibilityofreal friends AlsoalittlenervousifIwasbeinghonest,butI’dfakemy waythroughit,evenifitkilledme.“Dowehaveanameforourband?”
“I’mGannon,bytheway OriginalownerofGlamper’sParadise”Themaninthehatshookmyhand “We’rebouncingthe ideaaroundforBlueballBandofBrothers.”
“TheBBB.”Inodded.“Ilikeit.”
“Forfuck’ssake,”IheardMarlomutter.
AbabystartedcryingfromsomewhereinthehouseandPaisleyjumpedup.“Well,Iguessit’ssettled.We’llseeyounext
Fridayatthefirepit,Vander.Trynottokillourfriendbeforethen.”
MygazeshottoMarloasPaisleyexitedtheroom.Mynemesislookedsodarklyprettysittingthere.Herhairalwayslooked like she’dforgottentobrushitbutitsomehow workedfor her Itlookedalive withenergy,contrarytothe blackshe always wore.
“We’renotverygoodyet,butwe’reworkingonit”Lincolninterruptedmythoughts Kevabackhandedhisarm.“Yes,youare!Youalwaysdrawacrowd.”
“Mostlybecauseyou’reallhot,”Audreydrawled,earningherselfakissonthetopofherheadfromBoston
“Why,thankyou,”Ipreened.
“Notyou,jackass,”Marlomuttered.
Ihadtorollmylipsintokeepfromlaughing IfiguredI’dpushedherbuttonsenough “I’mofftoG-Mil’s”
“Isshemakingyouanothersweater?”Marlosnarkedfromherthroneofdisdain.
Igave her mybestsmile “Icertainlyhope so She onlymakes sweaters for people she loves People who deserve her sunshineintheformofyarn.Probablywhyyoudon’thaveone.”
Marlo’stongueshotoutsounexpectedlyandchildish,Ibarkedoutalaugh Mynew buddy,Lincoln,lookedtoKevawith confusionwrittenalloverhisface.
“What’sgottenintoMarlo?”
“Marlo’sfinallyfoundasparringpartner,”Kevaresponded AudreyleftBoston’ssidetowalkmetothefrontdoor,butnotbeforeIheardLincoln’svoice,fulloflaughter.
“Wasthatactuallysparringorflirting?WithMarloyoujustneverknow”
Marlo’sbarkofdisgusthadmelaughingallthewaytoG-Mil’splace.Thewarmglowfillingmychesttherestoftheday hadeverythingtodowithGrandmafindinganew patchtosew ontomysweater.Ithadnothingatall todowiththinkingmy disgruntlednext-doorneighborwasflirtingwithme. Not.At.All.
Marlo
I WAS NOT ashamedtosayI’dseenmyfair shareofbadmoods Sometimes Iwokeupandchoseviolence Or atleastinmy head.I’dkilledoffmostofthepeopleofBlueballinmyimaginationatsomepointintime.Didthatmakemeapsychopath?Or maybeIwastheonlyself-evolvedadultouthere,usingmyimaginationtotaketheedgeoffmyfrustrationsinsteadofactually doingsomethingaboutit.
Inreality and don’ttell another soul aboutthis or Iwill have to take those imagined killings to the veryreal streets of Blueball,andfrankly,Idon’thavetimeforthat Iwasasoftieinside,wantingtobeofhelptothoseIloved Ididn’tlovevery manypeople,butthoseIdid,Ilovedhard.
Andcurrently,Iwasfailingthemall Includingmyself
Dad, inhis perfectlycreased slacks and polo shirt, satatthe breakfasttable eatingdrytoastwhile Mombustled around him,allfakechippernessasshetalkedabouttoday’slatestdoctorappointment.Thistimewouldbewithaspecialistinthebig city.Hopewasaflimsybubble,justbeggingtobepopped.Iwatchedthewaytheysnuckinahandsqueezeasshebroughthim another cup ofdecafcoffee. Or the wayhe patted her buttwhenever she walked close enoughfor himto reach. Theywere adorable SodamncuteIwantedtopuke
Instead,Itookoutthetrash,goingthroughthekitchen,downthebackstairs,acrossthegarage,andoutthesidedoortoheft theoverfilledbagintothetrashcan IgotitinthererightasIcaughtmovementupthehill MygazeliftedandwhodidIseebut VanderBooth,halfnaked,outonhisterrace,surveyinghisland.Okay,hewasn’tnaked,buthedidn’thaveashirttogoalong withthatdarkpairofpajamapants.Hischestwasbroadandmuscular,farmoreattractivenakedthaninashirttensizestoo small.Muscleswerewelldefinedbutnotoverstated.Heheldacupofcoffeeinhishandwhilehisotherhandwasinhispants pocket. He appeared carefree. At peace. Like a manwho had no idea the old ladies of Blueball would be staringthrough binocularstryingtogetagoodlookathim
The trashlid slipped outofmyhand and crashed downonthe can, creatinga racketthatmighthave evenwokenup my sleepingfriends inthe cemetery Vander’s head whipped over inmydirection Idid the same, but whipped myhead inthe directionofmyhouselikethesidinghadsomehowbecomeincrediblyinteresting.
“Miwtoossbub?”Vandercalleddowntome.
Isqueezed myeyes shut He’d alreadyseenme looking, so to runawaynow would justbe childish Notthatour entire exchangeyesterdayatPaisley’shouse hadn’t beenchildish.It’sjustthatI’dwantedtoturnacornertoday,movingfirmlyinto the realmof just wishingVander deathinmyhead Not actual death-wishwords comingout of mymouth Still, there was nothingforitnow.Iwasarabbit,caughtinasnareandforcedtolookherpredatorintheface.SoImademyselfturnandputa handtomyear
“Huh?”Icalledback,clearlystillentrenchedintheideaofactinglikeachild. “Likewhatyousee,Bubbles?”heshouted.Clearly.Loudly.Annoyingly. Iwasraginginside,butImadesuremyshrugwaslongandslow “Notmuchtoseefromhere,”Ishoutedback Instead ofslinginganother insultatme, the manbeganto dance rightthere onhis stone terrace withouta single note of music playing, coffee mugheld highinthe air And boy, could he dance Mygaze immediatelydropped to the hip swivel, wonderinghow he knew thatTikTokdance Audreyhad tried to getall their mento learn. She claimed they’d go viral ifall threeofthemdidit,andnowIknewwhyshethoughtthat Vanderdidaslicktwistandendedupwithhisbacktome,shaking hisasslikehewasbeingpaidforit.Icouldn’tstandhereandwatchanymoreofthis.
