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‘Adefiantstandagainstthethingsthathauntus.TheendingshatteredmeinawayonlyTarrynFishercan!’ ColleenHoover, SundayTimes bestsellingauthor
‘Acompulsive,brilliant,enthrallingthriller…anovelthattotallycapturesabsoluteloveandutterdeception,total obsessionandcruelbetrayal.Iwashookedtotheverylastpage.’ AdeleParks, SundayTimes bestsellingauthor
‘Dark,disturbinganddeliciouslyaddictive.’ BAParis, SundayTimes bestsellingauthor
‘Theperfectbookforreaderswhenoneshockingplottwistisnotnearlyenough.’
USATODAY TARRYNFISHER isthe Sunday Times bestsellingauthoroftennovels.Bornasunhater,shecurrentlymakesherhomeinSeattle, Washington,withherchildren,husbandandpsychotichusky.ShelovesconnectingwithherreadersonInstagram.
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Copyright©TarrynFisher2024
TarrynFisherassertsthemoralrighttobeidentifiedastheauthorofthiswork.AcataloguerecordforthisbookisavailablefromtheBritishLibrary. Thisnovelisentirelyaworkoffiction.Thenames,charactersandincidentsportrayedinitaretheworkoftheauthor’simagination.Anyresemblancetoactual persons,livingordead,eventsorlocalitiesisentirelycoincidental
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Pagenumberstakenfromthefollowingprintedition:ISBN9780008665265
Cover Praise AbouttheAuthor
Booklist
TitlePage
Copyright NotetoReaders
Dedication
Chapter1
Chapter2:Past
Chapter3:Present
Chapter4:Past
Chapter5:Present
Chapter6:Past
Chapter7:Present
Chapter8:Past
Chapter9:Present
Chapter10:Past
Chapter11:Present
Chapter12:Past
Chapter13:Present
Chapter14:Past
Chapter15:Present
Chapter16:Past
Chapter17:Present
Chapter18:Past
Chapter19:Present
Chapter20:Present
Chapter21
Chapter22
Chapter23
Chapter24
Chapter25
Chapter26
Chapter27
Chapter28
Chapter29
Acknowledgments AboutthePublisher
Contents Chapter1 “911, WHAT IS your emergency?”
“Hello? Help me, please!They took my sister!Please hurry, I don’t know where they are I can’t find them ” *rustling noise* *yells something* “Oh my god oh my god. Piper!”
“Ma’am, I need you to calm down so that I can understand you ” “Okay…” *crying*
“Who took your sister?”
“I don’t know!I don’t know them Two guys Dupont knows them, I ” “Miss, what is the address? Where are you?”
“The theater on Pike, the Five Dollar ” *crying* “They took my phone, I’m calling from inside the theater” “Wait right where you are, someone is going to be there to help shortly. Can you tell me what your name is?” *crying*
“What is your name? Hello…?”
*crying, indecipherable noises*
“Can you tell me your name?” “Iris…”
“What is your sister’s name, Iris? And how old is she?” “Piper. She’s fifteen.”
“Is she your older sister or younger sister Iris, can you hear me?”
“We’re twins. They just put her in a car and drove away. Please hurry.”
“Can you tell me what kind of vehicle they were driving?”
“I don’t know ”
“ a van, or a sedan ?”
“It was blue and long I can’t remember”
“Did it have four doors or two… Iris?” “Four”
“And how many men were there?” “Three.”
“I’m going to stay on the line with you until the officers get there ”
Heleansforward,rousesthemouse,andturnsofftheaudioonhiscomputer. Click click clack. IwasreferredtoDr. Stanfordayearagowhenmylong-termtherapistretired Ihadtheoptionoffindinganewtherapistonmyownorbeing assignedsomeoneinthepractice.OfcourseIconsideredbreakingupwiththerapyalltogether,butaftereightyearsitfelt unnaturalnottogo.ButIwasadrinkeroftherapysauce:atruebelieverintheartoffeelings.Iimaginedpeoplefeltthatway aboutchurch.Attheendoftheday,Itoldmyselfthataweirdtherapistwasbetterthannotherapist.
IdislikedAllenStanfordonsight.Grubby.Heisthegrown-upversionofthekindergartenboogereater.Amouthbreather withaslow,stiffsmile Iwashopinghe’dgrowonme Dr.Stanfordclearshisthroat.
“That’shardtolistentoforme,soIcanonlyimaginehowyoumustfeel”
Everyyear,ontheanniversaryofPiper’skidnapping,Ilistentotherecordingofthe911callImadefromthelobbyofthe FiveDollar.WhenIclosemyeyes,Icanstillseethebluediamondcarpetandtheblinkingneonpopcornsign.
“Doyouwanttotakeabreak?”
“Abreakfromwhat?”
“Itmustbehardforyoutohearthatevennow ”
Thatistrue,relivingtheworstdayofmylifenevergetseasier.Thesmellofpopcornisattachedtothememory,andIfeel nauseated Acoldchillsweepsoverme Swallowingthelumpinmythroat,Inodonce “Whathappenedafteryouhungupthephone?”
“Iwaited…whatelsecouldIdo?Iwasafraidtheywereoutsidewaitingtotakemetoo.Mybrainhadn’tfullycaughtupto whatwashappening IfeltlikeIwasdreaming”
Myvoiceisweigheddownwithshame;inthemomentsaftermytwinwastaken,Iwasthinkingofmyownsafety,worried thatherkidnapperswouldcomeback Whyhadn’tIchasedthecardownthestreet,oratleastpaidattentiontothelicenseplate
soIcouldgiveittothecops?Hindsightwasasorethroat.
“IwantedtocallGran.”Ishakemyhead.“IthoughtIwascrazybecauseI’ddialedhernumberhundredsoftimesandI just Iforgot Ihadtowaitforthecops” Mylungsfeellikethey’recompressing.Iforceadeepbreath.
“Iguessittookfiveminutesforthecopstogetthere,butifyouaskedmethatday,Iwouldhavesaidittookanhour” WhenIclosemyeyes,Icanstillseethecityblockindetail smellthefryoildriftingacrossthestreetfromthe McDonald’s
“Thecopsparkedtheircruiseronthestreetinfrontofthetheater,”Icontinue.“Iwasafraidofthem.Mymotherwasan addict shehatedcops.Tocertainpeople,copsonlyshowuptotakethingsaway,youknow?”
Henodslikeheknows,andmaybehedoes,maybehehadamomlikemine,butforthelasttwentyyears,he’sbeengoingto DisneyWorld accordingtothephotosonhisdesk andthatsomehowdisqualifieshiminmymindasapersonwho’shad thingstakenawayfromhim
Itakeanothersipofwater,thememoriesrushingback.Iclosemyeyes,wantingtoremember,butnotwantingtofeel a fineline
IwasshakingwhenIstumbledoutofthetheaterandrantowardthecopcar,drunkwithshock,thesyrupysodapoolingin mybelly.MytoehitacrackintheasphaltandIrolledmyankle,scrapingitalongthesideofthecurb.Imadeittothem, staggeringandcrying,scaredoutofmymind andthat’swhenthingshadgonefrombadtoworse
“Tellmeaboutyourexchangewiththepolice,”heprompts.“What,ifanything,didtheydotohelpyouinthatmoment?”
Theantiquatedangerbeginsfesteringnow,myhandsfistingintorocks “Nothing Theyarrivedalreadynotbelievingme ThefirstthingtheyaskedwasifIhadtakenanydrugs.ThentheywantedtoknowifPiperdiddrugs.”
Theonewiththewateryeyes Irememberhimhavingalotofhair.Itpokedoutthetopofhisshirt,tuftedoutofhisears. TheguywhoseglassesIcouldseemyfacein hehadnohair.Butwhattheyhadbothwornthatdaywasthesamebored, cynicalexpression.Isigh.“Tothem,teenagerswholookedlikemediddrugs.Theysawatweaker,notapanicked,traumatized, teenagegirl”
“Whatwasyourresponse?”
“Ideniedit saidnoway Forthelastsixmonths,mysisterhadbeenhangingwithachurchcrowd Shespentweekends goingtoyouthgroupandBiblestudy.Ifanyonewasgoingtododrugsatthatpoint,itwouldhavebeenme.”
Hewritessomethingdownonhisnotepad.LaterI’lltrytoimaginewhatitwas,butfornowIamfocused.
“TheythoughtIwaslying Idon’tevenknowaboutwhat,justlying.Themanagerofthetheatercameoutsidetoseewhat wasgoingon,andhebroughtoneofhisemployeesouttoconfirmtothepolicethatIhadindeedcomeinwithagirlwho lookedjustlikeme,andthreemen IaskedifIcouldcallmygran,whohadcustodyofus”
“Didtheyletyou?”
“Notatfirst Theyignoredmeandjustkeptaskingquestions ThebaldoneaskedifIlivedwithher,butbeforeIcould answerhisquestion,theotheronewasaskingmewhichwaythecarwent.Itwaslikebeingshotatfromtwodifferent directions.”Ileanforwardinmyseattostretchmyback.I’msoemotionallyspiked,bothofmylegsarebouncing.Ican’tmake eyecontactwithhim;I’mtrappedinmyownstory helplessandfifteen
“Themenwhotookmysister theytookmyphone.ThecopswantedtoknowhowIcalled911.Itoldthemthemanagerlet meusethephoneinsidethetheater Theywerestuckonthephonething Theywantedtoknowwhythemenwouldtakemy phone.Iscreamed,‘Ihavenoidea.Whywouldtheytakemysister?’”
“Theyweren’thearingyou,”heinterjects Istareathim.IwanttosayNo shit, Sherlock,butIdon’t.Shrinksareheretoedityouremotionswithadjectivesinorderto createa TV Guide synopsisofyourissues. Today on an episode of IrisinTherapy, we discover she has never felt heard! “Iwashystericalbythetimetheyputmeinthecruisertotakemetothestation Beinginthebackofthatcarafterjust seeingPipergetkidnapped itwaslikeIcouldfeelherpanic.Herneedtogetaway.Theydrovemetothestation…”Ipause toremembertheorderofhowthingshappened
“Theyletmecallmygrandmother,andthentheyputmeinaroomalonetowait.Itwashorrible allthewaiting.Every minuteofthatdayfeltliketenhours”
“Traumaoftenfeelsthatway.”
“Itcertainlydoes,”Isay.“Haveyoueverbeeninasituationthatmakesyoufeelthatway likeeveryminuteisanhour?”I leanforward,wantingarealanswer Secondstickbyasheconsidersmefrombehindhisdesk Therapistsdon’tliketoanswer questions.Ifindithypocritical.ItrytoaskasmanyasIcanjusttomakeitfair.
Heleanshischinonahairyfistandassuresmeagainthatmostpeoplefeelsimilarinsituationssuchasmine Iyawnandcheckthetimeonmyphone.
Iwasstillinastateofshockwhenthedetectivescameintotakemystatementthatday.Themanintroducedhimselfas DetectiveAudrainwithoutlookingatme.Thewoman inherearlytwentiesandnamedPoley wastheobjectofhisattention. I’dcaughtthemontheendofastoryorjoketheywerestillrecoveringfrombeforetheywalkedintheroom.Theyspentthe
firsttenminutesoftheinterviewhalflaughing,halflistening.Ihadn’tunderstoodthedynamicwhenIwasafifteen-year-old girl.Thestoryoftheiraffaironlycameoutthreeyearslater;thescandalforcedAudrainintoearlyretirement.
Myanklelookedlikerottedfruit bloatedpurpleandoozingbloodbeneaththecuffofmyjeans Iwassurprisedthatit didn’thurt itdidn’tfeellikeanything.Thehurtwasinmychest,crushingmylungs.
“Theydidn’tbelieveme KindofblewmeoffandinsinuatedPiperwentwiththoseguysofherownvolition Justlikethe othertwocops.”
Aknotformsbehindmybreastboneandfloatsuptomythroat,lodging Iswallowbutcan’tgetitdown Therewereso manythingsthatwentwrongthatday.
AudrainwouldgivePoleyalooklike, You’re up!andshe’dsmileathimandbatmeanotherquestion.Ifsheaskedmea questionhewasimpressedby,he’dnodinappreciation
“Itoldthemoverandoverthatshedidn’tgetintothecar;shewasforcedintothecar.They’dwantedtoknowhowwe knewthemen Whattheylookedlike WhatPiperwaswearing Iwastryingtoanswertheirquestions,butIfeltweird,likemy thoughtswerethick.EventuallytheycametotheunanimousdecisionthatIwasinshock.”
IrememberPoleyleavingtheroomandcomingbackwithadoughnut,fourchocolateKisses,andabottleofDr Pepper Shelinedthemupinfrontofmeoneaftertheother plunk, plunk, plunk.IwantedtothrowupwhenIsawthescrounged picnic,butmyhandmindlesslybeganunwrappingtheKisses.
PoleyeyedmygreenfaceandsaidtoAudrain,“Hey,screwoffthatcapforher,won’tyou?”
I’dtakenasipofsodatowashawaythechocolatestickingtotheroofofmymouth,andthat’swhenIremembered.“Itwas thesoda!”I’dcriedout
AndthenGranwalkedinandI’ddissolvedagainsther,cryingsohardmywordswouldn’tcomeout.Shecradledmeinher arms,andIfoldedupinshameagainstherpinksweater.I’dlostmysister.Grantoldmetotakecareofher,andnowshewas gone.
He’slisteninghard.Ihavehisattention.Thenoveltyofbeinganadultisthatyoucanpayforwhatyoudidn’tgetasachild. Igethighontherapy,thenurturedrug “Time’sup.”
Hestartles “What?”
Ipointtotheclock hisclock.“Oursessionisover.”
Helooksmomentarilylost,andthenhesitsupstraighterinhischair.I’maprettygoodstorytellerafteralltheseyears. Settingdownhispen,hefrowns.“It’smyjobtosaywhentimeisup.”
Inod. Of course, of course. Menliketofeelthattheyareincontrol.Iwonderwhohasmoreissues:meorhim. Igatherupmythings “Seeyounextweek,”Icallovermyshoulder Idon’twaitforhimtorespond
Inavigatemybeateroutofthealmostemptystripmallandheadsouthon405.It’saprettyokayday;theOctoberskyisstill brightandblue,butthatwillbeshort-lived Intwoweeks,thecloudcoverwillblankettheskyindismalshadesofgray Gray, gray, every day,mysisterusedtosing. It’s not that I don’t like gray, it’s just not my best color…
MemoriesofPipershouldmakemesmilebuttheyhurtinstead OnceIstartthinkingabouther,Ican’tstop Piper’scaseis socoldithasfreezerburn.Iturnupthevolumeontheradiotodrownoutmythoughts;LanaDelReyremindsmethatI’mborn todie
Ipullintomygrandmother’sdrivewayaroundsix.Thegaragedoorisinfrontofme,plumpazaleabushesspringingfrom eitherside Ineedtotrimthosebacksoon
Thehouseiscuteasabutton:whitewithblacktrimandablackfrontdoor.Igrabmybagfromthebackseatastheengine puttersout Idon’tknowwho’smorebroke,meormycar
ThreeyearsafterPiperwentmissing,Gran’saunt,awidowwithnochildren,diedandleftherhousetoGran anice surpriseafterallthesadness.Thehouse,whichislocatedinanupscaleneighborhoodinSeattle,isjustashortdrivetowhere sheworksattheSeattlePublicLibrary CalandIhavelivedwithheronandoffovertheyears Itriedtoliveonmyowntwice andfailedmiserablywhenIcouldn’tkeepupwithSeattle’srentcrisis.Granwasgraciousenoughtoofferhersparebedrooms forfreeuntilIcompletedmywork-study,soCalandIpackedupourlittleapartmentandmovedinwithherthreemonthsback Walkingthepatharoundthesideofthehouseandtothefrontdoor,Ifeelthepeaceofbeinginasafeplace.Everythingis quaintandpretty,notliketheapartmentwelivedinwhenithappenednineyearsago.
Assoonasthefrontdoorclosesbehindme,Calflingshimselfacrossthelivingroomandintomyarms.He’ssmallfor eight,sweetandsofthearted.Everyonesayshelookslikeme,andthat’smostlytrue.Hehasmyblueeyesandrosebudmouth, buthishairisdarkandwavy Myshaggy,smartboy Iwrapmyarmsaroundhim,gladtobehome It’sthesamegreetingIget everynight purejoy.
“Yougotaletter,”hesays “It’sonthetableinthekitchen Grankeepspickingitupandlookingatit”
“Uh-oh,”Isay,glancingintothekitchen.Granisatthesink,washingthedinnerdishesbyhandeventhoughwehavea dishwasher.Ieyehertenselittleshouldersandfeelasurgeofhope.Coulditbe?Iappliedforfourinternshipsattheprompting ofmyprofessor,buttherewasonlyoneIwasinterestedintaking ItwastheinternshipGranhadbeggedmenottoapplyfor “Issheupset?”Iwhisper.
Calnods,he’swearinghismostseriousexpression “Shecalledoffworktomorrow”Hisvoiceislow “Shewantsyouto takehertoseetheislandwhereyou’regoingtowork.”
Theisland?DidIhearthatright?Myheartspeedsup I’mshakingasIreachouttorufflehishair Ileandowntogivehima kiss.
“Thanks,littleinformant.”Hedartsoff probablybacktohisiPad.Ihangmythingsonthehookbythedoorandslipinto thebathroomCalandIsharetowashmyhands BythetimeIstepintothekitchenafewminuteslater,Granhasmydinneron thetableandshelooksreadytoargue.Proppedagainstmywaterglassisabusiness-sizeenvelope,crispandofficial.The returnaddress:ShoalIsland “Ohmygod.”
Granleansagainstthecounter,paleandstaring Iripitopen,tooafraidtoblink “I’min…”Isay.“Gran…”
WhenIlookup,shehashereyesclosedlikeshe’sonarideshewantstogetoff. “Don’tdothat,Gran,thishasalwaysbeentheplan” “Yourplan,”shesnaps.
“Theonlyplan ”Ishootback “Idon’twantthisforyou.Youarelivingherlife,notyourown.”
Weglareateachotherwithidenticalpond-scumeyes,refusingtoblink.IwillneverhavetowonderwhatI’lllooklike whenI’molder;IlookjustlikeGran.Wehavethesameheart-shapedfaceandheavybottomlip.SheknowsI’mright.That’s theonlyreasonshe’snotarguingback.
“Everythingisgoingtobeokay,”Itellher “Ihavethingsundercontrol ”ItisaboldstatementbutIbelieveit Grannods atthefloor,turningbacktothedishes.Whensheletsitgo,Isighinrelief.MybodyrelaxesbackintothechairandIpickupmy fork
Thetruthis,Idon’twantGrangettingclosetothatplace.Notbecauseitisevil.Idon’tbelieveplacescanbeevil.Heis evil,andheisthere,tuckedawaylikearottingtooth.Ittookmealongtimetofindhim.ThenightswhenGranwantedtoknow whyIwasn’tonadateoroutwithfriends,Iwasstationedinfrontofmylaptop,lookingforhim.Searching,alwayssearching. AndthenIhadfoundhim.Hewasinaprivatefacility,ahospitalforthementallyill.
Livingouthisdaysonanislanddidn’tsitwellwithme Ineededtolayeyesonhim hearhimspeak,feelhisvibe Didhe care?Didhethinkaboutwhathe’ddone?
Ilikedtoimagineanotherversionofmyself:wholesomeandhopeful Awomanwhohadasister Iimagineshe’dhave outgrownherannoyancewithmebynow.Maybewe’dgotoconcertstogether,orthemovies weneverhadtimetofind commonground.AndnowI’dneverknow.
IwashmydishesinthesinkthistimewithGranwatchingmefromthetable Cal’sTVshowsareplayingintheliving room;he’spretendingtolisten,butIknowit’sourconversationhe’safter.IcanfeelGran’seyesonmyback.
“Thanksforthedinner”
“Iris,”shesaysasI’mwalkingout.“Calneedshismother.”
Ipause
“He’llgether.I’malmostfinishedwiththis.”
Chapter2 “YO,PIPES,MYcousin’sfriendthinksyou’rehot”
Piperglancedupfromherphone,hereyesglazedover.Shewastexting,butwhenDupontdidn’tgoaway,sheslidher phoneintothebackpocketofherjeansandsighed.“Whatnow?”Hereyesbouncedoffofhimandtothecrowdofstudents makingtheirwayoutthefrontdoors Theburdenofhavingapopularsister Dupontsteppedinfrontofher,blockingherviewsohecouldhaveherfullattention.
“Mycousin’sfriend Hewantstoknowifyouwanttohangoutatthemallsometime” Ifinishedloadingmybooksintomybackpackandslammedmylocker,makingthembothjump.IgavePiperalook,andwe startedwalking Itwasthreeo’clockonaFriday,thebellhadrung,anditwasn’training Wecouldmakeithomedryifwe hurried.
“WhywouldIwanttohangoutwithyourcousin’sfriend?”
Dupontshruggedlikehedidn’treallycare,butIcouldtellthatwasn’tthecase HewasstucktoPiper’sside,hedgingher likeI’dseenhimdoonthebasketballcourt.
“Shouldn’tyoubeatpractice?”Iasked Heignoredme
ChrisDupontwasahustlerinabeanie.Piperfeltcomfortablegivinghimanattitudebecauseshewashigheronthefood chain;ifshedidn’tlaughathisjokes,noonewould.I,ontheotherhand,wasafraidofhim.Hehadawayofknowingyour weaknessandusingitagainstyou.
“Stopactinglikeyou’retoogoodforpeople,Piper,damn!Youwanttohangoutwithhim,trustme.He’sasenior.Notat thisschool ”
Irolledmyeyes,anticipatinghowlongthiswouldtake.I’dskippedlunchtofinishmyalgebrahomework,andIwas hungry
“Pipe,let’sgo,”Inagged,tuggingonherarm.Herphonebuzzedinherbackpocket.Shetookitout,frowningatthescreen. Foramoment,herfacelookedsodistraught,Iwantedtoaskherwhatwaswrong.Myhandwasstillonherarm,andshe shruggeditoff,annoyed.Ifeltstupid.She’dbeenlikethiswithmelately vague…distant.
“Who’syourcousin’sfriend?”MysisterlookedpointedlyatDupont.“Andhowexactlydoesthiscreeperknowme?”
Shestartedwalking,longrose-goldwavesbouncingagainstherback Ikeptmineshortandusedgeltomatitdown whichmademyhairlookdarkerthanhers.Welaunchedafterherlikeminnows,dartingthroughbodiestokeepup.Ilooked overatDupontresentfully,buthedidn’tseemtonotice
“Comeon,Piper,everyoneknowsyou.Atalltheschools.BeforeyoudancedforJesus,youdancedforus!”
Thatearnedhimascaldinglook.Piperquickenedherpace,butheslidintostepbesideher,knockingmeoutoftheway.I harrumphedbuthungbackwhilehefinishedhisappeal
“Ididn’tknowyouwerematchmakingnow,”shesmartedwithoutlookingathim.Iwasendlesslyimpressedbyhowcool shewaswithouteventrying Howdidweshareawomb?
Wewerefifteenfeetawayfromthedoorandfreedom.Icouldpracticallytastemysandwich…
“He’sontheWildcatsfootballteam,butthatisallI’msaying”
That’sallhehadtosay.Piperwasinterested.Isteppedoversomeone’slunch,bolognaandmayogroundintotheconcrete. Shewasbarelyfifteen,butshehadadefinitetype.Lately,myformerlyboy-crazysister’stypehadbeenJesus.
Theschoolwasbehindusnow;wewalkedwiththeflowoftraffic,meholdingthestrapsofmybackpackasItrailedthem “Whycan’theaskmehimself?”Hervoicewasdifferent Dupontownedherinthatmoment.Heseemedtoknowittoo becausehedancedaround,givingherthefingeruntilshepinchedhimplayfullyonthearm Hehadherfullattention “Ouch!Okay!I’lltellyou!”hesaid,laughing.“Hisparentstookhisphoneaway,that’sallIknow.Hesawyouatthegame andaskedaboutyou”
“Whatgame?”Iheardherask,thoughsheknewexactlywhichone.Piperlikedthatthechasewashergame. “HislastnameisCrimball.”
Duponthadjustdroppedhercrush’sname,andshelookedbored Piperhadnoreaction Ihadtogiveittoher,girlwas hard-core.
“WhywouldIwanttomeethim?”
Dupontstartedlaughing.Hebentoverlikeoneofthosedancingsockpuppetsandslappedhiskneetwicebefore straighteningup.“BecauseeverybitchinthatschoolwouldspreadforCrimball.”Liftinghisarmsstraightup,hetwistedhis torsoleft,thenright,thenleftagain Hisbackcracked,andIfrowned Hewasright,butPiperwasasophomoreandMattwasa senior.Mysisterwasbeautifulbutsowereplentyofjuniorsandseniors.
“Ihavetogivehimananswer,”Dupontsaid “Don’tshootthemessenger HowaboutSaturday?” WestoppedataredlightasPiperconsideredthis.“Oh,allrightthen,IguessIcan.”ShelookedbackatmelikeIwasher personalassistant “Weweregoingtothemallanyway,remember?Iguesswecouldsayheyorwhatever ” Inoddeddutifully.Therewerespicypicklesinthefridge,Icouldusetheleftoverroastbeeffromdinnerand “Awesome,”Dupontsaid.HesmiledatPiper,shotanairgunatme,andshuffledofftogohustlesomeoneelse.
“Weweregoingtoseeamovie,”Isaidasthelightturnedgreen I’dbeenwaitingtoseethatmovieforweeks,andPiper promisedshe’dgowithme.
“Notanymore,”Pipershotback IrecognizedthelookonherfaceandknewIwasfucked “YoutakeSundays,nowyouwantSaturdaysaswell?”
“It’snotmyfaultwegotochurch,Iris IjustleanedintowhatGranmadeusdo”ShewasrightbutIdidn’tcare Weboth usedtocomplainaboutchurchallthetime.Thenallofasudden,Iwastheonlyonecomplaining.Itfeltlikeabetrayal,forher tostartlikingsomethingwe’dhatedtogether.
Laterthatnight,whenIwashelpingGranmakedinner,sheaskedifIwasexcitedtoseethemovie.Weweremovingaround eachothertogettothings,thekitchenameresliverofspace.Iheardthehissofsomethinginthefryingpan,theTVplayingin thelivingroom Thecommercialwasaboutyogurt,andeveryonewasdancing
“We’regoingtothemallinstead.”IwasdismissiveasIstoodoverthesink,rinsingvegetables.Granleanedoverfromthe stovetostareatme Shewaswearingalavendersweatersetunderneathalime-greenapron “Youwerebornsixminutesapart.Notsixyears,youknow…Youdon’thavetogoalongwithwhatevershewants.” “It’sfine,Gran”Icouldheartheexasperationinmyownvoice Idumpedlettuceintoabowlwithahandfulofcherry tomatoes,andgrabbedtheranchfromthefridge.
“Willtherebeboys?”Sheheldupthespatulaassheglaredatme,meatpoppinginoil.
“Youlooklikeaneondemon,”Itoldher
“Don’tletheroutofyoursight,”Gransaidfirmly.“Imeanit.I’mnotraisingherbabies.” Icouldn’tvoicetheironyevenifIwantedto thatGranwasreferringtothetwinwhoactuallywenttochurch Regardless, ifGrantoldmenottoletheroutofmysight,that’sexactlywhatI’ddo.
“Whataboutme,whowatchesme?”
Sherolledhereyes.“Youtakecareofyourself,it’smyfavoritethingaboutyou…” IwassoshockedbyherwordsthatIfroze.Whatathingtosay,Ithought,handscradlingthewoodensaladbowl.Gran flippedthepatties,oblivious
OnSaturday,IpretendedtoreadanovelonmybedwhilePipersatonherkneesinfrontofourmirroredclosetdoors. Therewasanarrayofthingsaroundher:brushesandtubesintoddlercolors Sheslappedatherfacewithherfingertips, brushedhereyebrowswithawand.Theendresultwasmewithagoodfilter.“Doesthecultknowyou’renotattendingservice tonight?”
IwaseatingaSlimJim,tryingtogetunderherskinforchangingourplansandbeingpretty.Ithadbecomeahabitofmine tocatalogourdifferences.Iwasthedull-skinnedtwin,thelatebloomer,theonewithasnaggletooth.People’seyesskimmed overmeandlandedonPiper.She’dbeenunfairlyfavoredinutero.Thoughwebothhadblueeyesthatcurvedupatthecorners andourcoloringwasblondonolive,Ilookedsloppilyputtogether,likeageneticafterthought.Piperlookedlikeadesigner doll
“Ihateitwhenyoustarelikethat.”Shecastaglanceatmyreflectioninthemirrorasshereachedforasectionofhair.The curlingprocesshadbegun
“That’swhyIdoit.”IwasdowntothelastinchofmySlimJimandsadaboutit.
“You’rejustlikeDad,”shesaid.
“You’rejustlikeMom.”Neitherwasacompliment,soweglaredateachotheruntilPiperburnedherhairandyelledatme togetout.
Anotheroneofourdifferences:Piper’swasanexplosiveanger,andIwaspassive-aggressive Aggravatingherwasmy onetruejoy.
MypreparationforthemallinvolvedwrappingmyhairintoaknotatthenapeofmyneckandputtingonacleanT-shirt We metoutsidethefrontdooroftheapartment mesnappinggum,hertakingaselfie.Therewasnoonetotellthatwewere leaving;Granwouldn’tbehomeuntilseven.
“Ready?”Shedidn’twaitformyanswerassheflippedthehoodofherrainjacketupanddartedforthebusstop,her
Conversestiptoeingaroundthepuddles.ItookmytimezippingupmyhoodiebeforeIfollowedbehindher,hopingthebus wouldcomeandleaveme.Oops.Icouldgobackinsidewithaclearconscienceandread.
“Hurryup,Iris!”Thebuswaswheezingtoastop IhadabriefmomentofdefiancewhereIwantedtorunbacktothe apartmentandlockmyselfinside,butthebondIsorudelysharedwithmysisterpulledmeforward.Whereshewent,Iwent.
WegotSlurpeesfromthe7-ElevenbecausePiperthoughtwalkingaroundthemallwithBurgerKingcupswastrashy.She alwaysgotwhateverflavorwasredandfilledhercupsofullitmushroomedoutoftheplasticholelikelava.
“Ifyougettheblue,you’regoingtohavebluemouth,”shewarned Ignoringher,Ifilledmycupwithrazzledazzleblue raspberry.Shefrowned,disappointed.Piperconsideredherselftheworldlyone.Ifoundhernaive,buttoeachtheirown.I madeherpayforourSlurpees,andshegrabbedmyarmonthewayout,herbaby-bluefingernailssqueezingapologetically “Areyoumadatme?”
SheknewIwas.
“You’donlyhavelaininbedandreadallday Comeon,Iris ” “Wehadplans,”Iinsisted.
Shestaredstraightaheadwithoutacknowledgment,typicalPiper Ifshedidn’tlikeit,she’dpretenditwasn’thappening Howoftendidherplanssupersedemine?Ifshewantedtodosomething,shesulkeduntilshegotherway.
“WhatdoesCrimballwantwithyouanyway?Youcan’tthinkthisisreal” Herfaceturnedabrightpink,andherhandwasabruptlygonefrommyarm Oh,I’dpissedheroffnow.Shestaredstraight ahead,herlipssquishingtogether.“You’resuchajerk,Isweartogod.”Shewalkedaheadofme,herhipsatasway.
Thatwastheprecariousmomentourfuturescouldhaveforked;thebad,badthingwouldn’thavehappened,andmysister wouldstillbewithus.AsPiper’sswayinghipsgotfartherandfartheraway,IsawGran’sfaceloominglarger. Do not let that girl get pregnant!Granwasstillholdingontolastyear’sversionofPiper,andIcouldn’tblameher Piperhadbeenexpelled forinappropriatebehavioroncampus,whichboileddowntomakingoutwithboysinemptyclassrooms.Grandidn’tseemto bebuyingintoherreligiousstintanymorethanIwas Myonlychoicewastofollowher Pickingupmyfeet,Imarchedafter herwithadeepsigh,theresentmenthotinmychest.
Whodidshethinkshewas,anyway?Shelookedridiculouswithhertoo-tightclothes,likeshewasplayingatbeingan adult IfPiperhadababy,I’dbetheonetakingcareofit Thatthoughtpingedanalarminmybrain,andIrantocatchup almostrunningintoamotheranddaughtercomingoutofClaire’s.Igavethemabriefapologeticsmileandhurriedon, oblivioustothefactthattherewassomethingcomingforusthatwasfardarker,farhardertonavigatethanateenpregnancy
Theysawusbeforewesawthem.“Hey,Piper!”
Weturnedtowardthevoice StandingagainstthewallbetweenVictoria’sSecretandJambaJuicewasnotMattCrimball, thehighschoolfootballstar,butColbyCrimball,hismeageryoungerbrother.Icouldbarelykeepastraightfaceaswe approachedtheirleaningspot Piperhadbeenhad
Twoyearsyoungerandfiveinchesshorter,Colbyhadweepyeyesandasnubnose.Tobefair,nooneelseintheCrimball familywasgood-looking.Mattwassomuchtheoutlierthattherewererumorshismomhadanaffairwiththehighschool coacharoundthetimehewasconceived,thoughIfiguredhewasjustgenepoolluckylikemysister Piperwasgoingtoshitabrickoverthis.
Colbyelbowedoneoftheguysnexttohimwhenhesawus Iglancedatherfaceandsawconfusionflashtodisbeliefflash toherusualstonyexpression.“Where’sMatt?”
“Mattwho?”Colbyjoked.
AfewstepscloserandIcouldseethebarpiercinghiseyebrow.ColbywasflankedbytwoofhisfriendsandDupontina yellowbeanie,lurkingofftothesidelookingpleasedwithhimself.KnowinghemisledPipermademeangry,angrierthanI wasatPiper Iglaredathim
“Whoa,youguysaretwins?Youdon’thavethesamevibe…atall.”Colbypushedoffthewallandcametowardus,his jauntylittlestridepissingmeoff Hewaswearingapurplehoodie,andafrizzytuftofhairshotoutfromunderhishood He lookedlikethekindofguywhoalwayshadcrustsinthecornerofhiseyesandwastoolazytowipethemout.
IwassurprisedwhenIheardPiper’svoice “What’sthatsupposedtomean?”Hereyesturnedtheirfuryontohim,andhe shriveled.
“Nothing.Iwasmakingajoke.”
“Yeah?Ithastobefunnytobeconsideredajoke”
“Takeiteasy,princess.”Hebackedaway,palmsup,thenglancedoverhisshoulderattheotherguys.Hisfacewasred,but otherthanthatyoucouldn’ttellhewasangry Icouldtell Ifeltitrisingoffhisbodylikeadampness Ilookedatmysisterto seeifshenoticed,butshewasfocusedonherownoffense,probablyplanninghernextwords.
Dupontmust’vedecidedtosmooththingsover,becauseamomentlaterhewascirclingus,stoppingbetweenPiperand Colby,andhethrewanarmaroundeachoftheirshoulders Itookastepsidewaystogetoutofhisrange Ididn’twanthim
touchingme.
“Comeon,we’reallherenow…”Hestankofcigarettes.Iblinkedhard,hatingthesmell.Itremindedmeoflivingwithour mother Isawaflashofherinmymind,passedoutonthebrownsuedecouch,acigaretteburningtoashinthegreenshell ashtray.
Dupontwasstilltalking “Whatdoyousaywehavesomefun?We’lltakeyoutothemovies Ourtreat” Myearsperkedupatthementionofatriptomyfavoriteplace.Icouldpracticallysmellthepopcorn,butIdidnotwantto gowiththem
Piperglaredathim,butinsteadofshakingherhead,sheshrugged.Shewastuggingontheendsofherhair somethingshe didwhenshewasthinking.
“Whatthehell,Piper?”Isaidundermybreath “Idon’twanttogohome…andbesides,it’sfree.”
IturnedmyheadawayandstaredattheentrancetoClaire’s,whereakidafewyearsolderthanuswasgettinghisear pierced.Hisgirlfriendwasholdinghishand.Theywerecute,andIwishedIwastaggingalongwiththeminstead. “Iris!”
“What?”Iturnedmyattentionbacktothem,realizingwe’dbecomeagroupofsix.Dupont,ColbyCrimball,andtheother twowhoheintroducedasRJandAngel wholookedlikeseniorsorolder.ImadeeyecontactwiththeonehecalledAngel, whowaslookingfromPipertomewithcuriosity Hehadshortdarkhairandawell-manicuredgoatee Theotherone,RJ,had anelbowforachin.Hishairwasdyedwhite-blond,andIcouldseeaninchofbrownroots.
Pipernudgedme,andIpulledmyeyesawayfromRJ “Youcoolwiththatmovie?”
Ihadn’theardthemsaythenameofamovie,thoughIhighlydoubtedwewereheadedtoseetheVictorianoneI’dplanned onwatchingtoday.ButIsupposedanythingwasbetterthanhearingtheseloserstalk. Itwasmyturntoshrug.“Yeah,whatever.”
WefellintostepwithColbyandPiperleadingtheway.Angel,RJ,andIfellintoalinewithmeinthemiddle.
“Where’sDupont?”Iasked,lookingaround “He’sseenthismovie,sohe’snotcoming,”Colbysaidoverhisshoulder.Hishoodie brighteveninthecolorpanicofthe mall guidedmeforward
Aheadwastheescalatorthatledtothetheater.AngelandRJhaddriftedabitbehindme,whichmademefeellikeIwas beingherded.ButDupont’ssuddenabsencebotheredme.Hetreatedtheseguyslikecelebrities,sowhywouldhebailatthe lastminute?
IglancedbackatAngel,whowasstaringatmeagain itwascreepy.Iclearedmythroat.“Wasn’tthishisidea?”
“Duponthasalotofideas”Colby’slaughwasasannoyingashisface Mysister,whohadseemedrevoltedbytheideaof himthreeminutesago,wasshowingmorethanherusualnumberofteeth,dimplesblaring.You’dthinktheywereoldfriends.
PiperandColbysteppedontheescalatortogether,andIhadamomentofpanicasIsteppedforwardtotakethestair beneaththem.SandwichedbetweenmysisterandColby’sgoons,Iclosedmyeyesuntilitwastimetogetoff.Something wasn’tright.Thiswasalloff.
Themoviewasacomedythathadbeenoutforweeksandwasgettingterriblereviews,andthetheaterwasemptyaside fromus.Colbyledthewayupthestairstothebackofthetheaterandintothelastrow.
“Yousaidthismovielookedstupid”IslidintotheseatnexttoPiper,puttinghertomyright RJsatonmyleft,andColby andAngeltooktheendnearestthestairs ColbyrightnexttoPiper,ofcourse.
“Willyoujustrelax?”shesaidbetweenherteeth “Youruineverythingifyoucan’tgetyourway” Ilookedatherinshock.Didshereallyjustsaythattome?Her theonewho
“What’stheproblem,preppy?Youneedsomesnacks?”Colbyleanedforwardtolookatme.Istaredbackwithoutsaying anythinguntilhebrokeeyecontactandlookedatRJ “Youguysgood?”
RJnodded,thenbothheandAngelstoodup.“Snackscomingup,”hesaidtome.Hiseyeswerecomicallylargelikehe wastalkingtoadog
God,Piperwasgoingtohearitlater!Wasshereallygivingthisidiotthetimeofdayafterhetrickedherintocoming?I glaredatthem,buttheywereoblivious Colbywasshowinghersomethingonhisphone,andshewassquealingineitherhorror ordelight.Itdidn’tevenmatterthathewasn’tMatt;hewasaCrimball,andthat’sallmysistercaredabout.
“I’mgoingtothebathroom.”Istoodup,waitingforhertosayshewascomingwithme.Butwhenshedidn’tlookupfrom Colby’sphone,Ihuffedoffonmyown ItwaswhatColbyshoutedtomeasIreachedthebottomofthestairsthatmadethe hairsonthebackofmyneckstandup.
“Wedon’tneedyoutocomebackifyoudon’twantto Wehavewhatweneed!”
Chapter3 Present SHOALISLANDHOSPITAL:aprivatefacilityforthecriminallyinsane I’dbeenchosentoentertheirinternshipprogram, itwaslikewinningthegradschoollottery.Myadvisor,alongwithtwoofmyprofessors,wrotelettersofrecommendation. Twodaysafterreceivingtheacceptanceletter,anemailpingsintomyinboxfromawomannamedJordynWhyte,who introducesherselfasthehospitalcoordinator Thepacket,asshecalledit,holdsalltheinformationI’llneedformyfirstday:I wouldneedtocatchtheferryfromSeattletoAnacortes,fromAnacortesawatertaxiwouldtakeustoShoalIsland.Jordyn includedtheferryscheduleandthenameofthewatertaxi:TheSeaGlass Iprintthevaguemapoftheisland,anevenvaguer mapofthehospital,andtherulehandbook.Iwillneedabadgetoboardthewatertaxi,butIwon’tgetituntilmyfirstdayof work Sheexplainsthatshe’llcallaheadtoletthecaptainknowthatanewhirewouldbeboardinghisvessel I’dhavetotake aferrytoreachthedockwherethewatertaxiwouldpickmeup:awateryquietbusroute.
Itallseemssoquaint theupsideoftakingaboattowork,isthedowntime.Beingamomisanoisytask.Quietthoughts werealuxury,Iwasmykid’spersonalassistant Iwas am anurturingtourguide,andmylittletouristaskedalotof questions:Whydowehavetogo?Whatisbeachsandmadeof?Whattimeareweleaving?WhydoIhavetoeatthat?Gran askedasmanyquestionsasCal,butherswereaboutmypersonallife:Whoareyourfriends?Whyaren’tyoudating?Whyhave youstoppeddrinkingmilk?
“Ofcourse,Iwanttoseewhereyou’reworking…”Hervoicedropsoff,andIknowwhatshe’sthinking.
OnFridaymorning,wefloatbyShoalIslandonthe9:20a.m.ferry.Theplaceisunreal likeit’sfiltered.Isnapafew photosfrommyphone,extendingmyarmsoverthesideoftherailingtogetabettershot
I’mstudyingthephotoswhenGranspeaksclosetomyear.“Manmadethingscan’tcapturethattypeofbeauty.Lookwith youreyes…”
Ialmostdropmyphoneinthewater “Gran,why?”Shewasforeversneakinguponmewithherlibrarianstealth Shesmiles.“Sojumpy!”
Iholdmysmart-assretortonthetipofmytonguebeforeswallowingitdown Iamtwenty-fouryearsoldandstill frightenedofmyteeny-weenygrandmother.Butinmydefense,beforeGranwasalibrarian,shewasaprisonguard.And beforethat,shestrippedattheEmeraldCityGentleman’sClub.BackthenherstagenamewasEmeleDickinson,andshe dancedduringthebusiesthoursofthenight.Resourceful,tough,smart andonehundredpercentunapologetic.Myhero.
Gransmirksatmeandlooksbackatthewater,smug.Ituckmyphoneawayandlookwithmyeyes attheoversaturated greeneryofShoalIsland Onehundredthirteenacresofrock,beach,andforest,theislandjutsgrandlyfromtheSalishSealike awinecork.ThereisnopublicferryservicetoShoal.Accessisbywatertaxiorprivateferryonly.
Weleanovertherailing,lettingthewindhitourfacesandbreathinginthesmellofthesound Infrontofus,asheer cliffsidegiveswaytoarockybeach;ahundredyardsmore,andthebeachgivestoadock.Awatertaxibobsinthewateras peopleingreenscrubsmaketheirwayoff.Fromthedock,thereisapathwaythatleadsupanincline,disappearingoverthe otherside.Theislandishilly,andforaminuteIworrythatwewon’tbeabletoseethehospitalfromthewater.Butastheferry hustlesnorthalongsidetheshoreline,theviewopensupbriefly,givingusalookattherearofthebuildingperchedatoparock cliffandstaringtowardtheocean Itisthreestorieshigh,anddozensofwindowsdotthebrick,givingtheiroccupantsan endlessviewofthewater.
“Thosearethepatients’rooms,”Itellher Shestarestight-lippedastherockcliffcurvesanddipsdown Weseetrees tightlypackedintoaforest,andthenthroughaclearingwe’regivenourfirstglimpseofthefrontsideofthebuildingnestled betweentwoforestsonahugeexpanseofgreenlawn.
Inthecenterofallthatgreenisthefog,thickascloudsandholdingahulkingstructureinherfist:ShoalIslandHospitalfor thecriminallyinsane.
“That’sthescariestplaceI’veeverlaideyeson,andmyeyesare old ”Gran,aggressiveaboutherdisapproval,turnsher backtome,hershouldersstiff.Butitdoesn’tlookscarytome;itlookslikeabuildingthathasgonethroughdozensof renovations AVictorianhouseinthefront,alodgehousetotheside,andtotherearisthehulkingbrickstructurethatsitson thecliff.
IfI’mbeinghonest,Granhasarighttobeworried.She’salreadylostagranddaughter,andsheisgreat-grandmothertoa
eight-year-oldboy.Ifsomethingweretohappentome,sheistoooldtotakecareofCalbyherself.She’ddoit,ofcourse,but whatwouldhappenwhenshe
Ishakeoffthethought Ifeverythingworksoutasplanned,I’llhavemyanswerssoon Butthenwhat?That’sthenext obviousquestion.WillIbefreetomoveforward,orstillbeaddictedtochasingthepast atrauma-drunkIndianaJones?I’ve beenraisingaboyandgoingtoschoolforthelastnineyears,buteverysecondinbetweenhasbeenspentonmysister’scase I honorherwiththoseminutesandhoursanddays becausethepoliceneverdid.
“It’skookamatoo,”Gransays herwordforsomethingthatiscrookedorwrong Granhasalonglistofthingsthatare kookamatoo:theinternet,men,thepricesatWholeFoods, Game of Thrones,electriccanopeners… Iglancesidewaysather.“It’sahospitalforthecriminallyinsane,it’ssupposedtofeelkookamatoo.”
Shoalisbehindusnow,andI’mshiveringfromthecold Thefoghangsoverthewater,whichhassuddenlybecomechoppy “Wanttogoinsideandgetacoffee?”Iask.
Sheturnstowardthedoorsthatleadinsidetheferry,beeliningtothesnackkioskandwarmth Iknowsheisstrugglingto understandmyreasoningforthis.I’mpasttryingtounderstandit,yearspast I’mattheacceptancestage.Itisaniceplaceto be,unlessyou’reGran
Ifollowherinsideasshesilentlyrumbles.SheiswearingjeansandthesweatshirtIaskedhernottowear: I’m with Crazy whichatthemomentinsinuates me!HidinghershockofwhitehairisaknittedSeahawkshat,thepompomontopbobbing viscously
“Gran,canyouslowdown?”
Shespeedsup
CalsaysthatwhenGranandIgetlikethisweactlikechildren,whichisahumblingstatementfromaneight-year-old.It doesn’tstopmethough.
“TheSeahawkssuck,Gran!Andeveryonebutyouknowsit!”
Shedoesn’tturnaround,buthermiddlefingershootsup.
Ilaugh,becauseman,doIloveEmeleDickinson
Chapter4 GRANWASWEARINGherworkclothes:afloralblazeroverablackdress Hershoeswerethesamecoralshadeasher lipstick.Herfacewasn’tjustpale,itwasgray.She’donlyjustarrived,usheredintotheroombyafemalecopandseatednext tome.Shegrabbedmyhand,searchingmyfaceforsomeclueastowhatwasgoingon.Ididn’tknowwhattheytoldher.I lookedaway,ashamed,andwaitedfortheguydetective,Audrain,tospeak
“Mrs.Walsh ”Audrainstarted.
“Ms Walsh,”Graninterrupted “Excuseme.Ms.Walsh,areyouIris’sguardian?”
“Yes AndPiper’s hertwinsisterwhoismissing” “Ofcourse…”
Idon’tlikehistone.IlookatGran;herhands,veinyandage-spotted,aretrembling. Hestaresdownathisnotes “Yourgranddaughtersaysshesawtwoboys ” “Men,theyweremen.”Myvoicewasscratchybutloud.IknewthatbecausePoleyflinched.IreachedfortheDr.Pepper, takingtwolongswigs ItwasasIscrewedthecapbackonthatIrememberedtheirclothesassuddenlyasI’dforgottenthem, andthentheirnamescamebacktomeaswell:RJandAngel.ThemovieIdidn’twanttosee,Dupont andthesoda!Theymust haveputsomethinginthedrinkstheycarriedinforus.Itallcametumblingoutofmymouth,andGran’sfacegotwhiterand whiterasshelistened.
“Areyousureshedidn’tgowiththemwillingly,Iris?”Poleyrepeats. I’dalreadytoldthemshehadn’t Iglaredhardatthefemalecopwiththeroundfaceandslicked-backhair
“Maybetheyleftyoubehind,huh?”Shetiltedherheadtotheside,coaxing.“Ormaybetheywereintoyoursistermorethan you,andnowyou’reangry youwanttogetthemintrouble ”Sheleftitopen-ended,hereyestryingtowedgesomethingout thatwasn’tthere.
“No,”Isaid.Iwasnotontrialhere.
Sheliftedherrearfromwhereitsatontheedgeofthetableandwalkedtowardawatercoolerinthecorner.Tag,you’reit herpartnermovedtofillherspot,standingabovemeinsteadofsitting.
“Thisisridiculous,”Gransaid “Ifshesaysithappenedthatway,ithappened Mygranddaughterisnotaliar”Hervoice wasclipped.
Theguycop Audrain lookedatGran “We’rejusttryingtohelp,MissWalsh ” “Whydon’tyoumakeitsoundlikeitthen?”Gransnappedback.
“I’mcertainlytrying,butyou’regoingtohavetoanswerafewquestions,Iris.”Heturnedtome.
InoddedasifIhadn’tbeenansweringquestionsforthelastfewhours “Didshewalkoutofthetheater,orweretheycarryingher?” “Shewaswalkingbuttheywereholdingherarms” Hisfacedidn’tchange,andhewrotesomethingdownonhisyellowpad.“Doesshehaveaboyfriend?” “No”
“Whataboutdrugs…doesshedrink?Whatdrugs…pillsor ” “Weed,shesmokesweedsometimes…” PoleyandAudrainexchangedalook
“Idon’tseewhyanyofthismatters.”Granlookedbetweenthem.“Myfifteen-year-oldgranddaughterismissing.Shewas putinacarbytwomenanddrivenaway”Thefivesecondsofsilencethatfollowedfeltloud Icouldhearmyownjagged breathandtheirs.
“Itmattersverymuch,Mrs Walsh,”Audrainsaid “Ourjobistodetermineifshewasabductedorifshe’sarunaway”He wasleaningbackinhischairandcasuallybouncingthepenbetweenhisthumbandpointerfingerashelookedather.“We can’tusethedepartment’sfundsandtimeonrunaways,youunderstandwhatI’msaying?” “No”
Iwasonthevergeofcryingagain.
“Mrs Walsh,yourgranddaughterswillinglywenttothemovietheater,purchasedtickets,purchasedsnacks,andsatdown
towatchafilmwiththreeboys.”
“Noneofthatmeansshewillinglyleftwiththem,”Gransnappedback.“Thisgranddaughtersaidshedidn’t.”
Theyalllookedatme
“Whataboutmyphone?”Iblurteddesperately.“CanIpresschargesforthemstealingmyphone?”
Audrain’seyeslitupashepointedapenatme “Now,thatwecando” Hopebeganpullingmylipsintoasmile.Iftheyweretogoafterthemformyphone,wecouldgetanswersaboutPiper,as well
“Givemethefullnamesandcontactinformationofthemenwhostoleyourphone.”
Mysmilemeltedaway.“I Idon’tknow.”
Hiseyebrowspulledtogether,pained Weweregettingnowhere.Theydidn’tbelieveme,eitherway. “Pullthevideothen thetheater,thegasstationacrossthestreet someonehastohavevideoofmygranddaughterbeing pushedintothatcar.”
“Thesethingstaketime”
“She’samissingminor!”
“Shecouldbearunaway.”
Gran’sfacewaspinknow Theyweren’tlisteningtoher,either Icouldseethetrembleinherhandasshegrippedthetable edgeandusedittostand.Shewastired,theskinsaggingbeneathhereyes.
Ifelttheguiltagain Thiswasmyfault IfGranhadanotherstroke,thatwouldbemyfaulttoo Theroomsmelledofstale cornchipsandbleach,andIbreathedinthroughmynoseandoutthroughmymouthtoavoidtheincomingpanicattack.Ithought ofsomethingthen thedrinksRJandAngelhandedus.Giant,sweatingcupsofsoda.HadImentionedthisalreadythroughthis merry-go-roundofquestioning?
“Theyputsomethinginherdrink,”Irush.“Andprobablyminetoo,butIdidn’tdrinkmuchofmine.”
Hestaredatmehardandthenturnedtohispartner “Sendsomeoneovertocollectthecups”
Puzzled,Iwatchedasshelefttheroom.Howwouldtheyknowwhichcupswereours?Washepatronizingme?
Hemadehiseyesbigwhenhelookedatusagain,hislipsfoldedinward “Anythingelseyoucanremember,Iris?” “Dupont,”Isaidsuddenly.“Hegoestoourschool,ChrisDupont.”Ihadtobechill,ortheywouldn’tbelieveme.They’d continuepatronizingme,wastingtime,whentheycouldbeouttherelookingforPiper.“ChrisDupontintroducedustoColby andthoseguys,Chriswillknowsomething.HismomworksinthedeliatFarmer’sMarket.”
Granlookedathimexpectantly.“Callthatyoungmanandfindoutwheremygranddaughteris.”Sostraightforward.So point-blank Simple
Yethesighedandpositionedhispenovertheyellowlegalpad.“Whatdidyousayhisnamewasagain?”
IslappedmyhandovermyfaceasGranliterallyspelleditoutforhim
GranandIsatsidebysideinthatlittleroomforwhatseemedlikehours,justwaiting.Iofferedherthedoughnutthey’d givenme,butsheshookherheadandstaredatherhands.Itwasunbearablyhotinthere,andIstartedworryingaboutGran whenshetookoutherpillcaseandpushedawhitesomethingbetweenherlips Shewouldn’ttelluswhattheymeantorwhat waswrong,butI’dsnuckintohermedicinecabinetonceandfoundpillbottleslinedupneatlylikeherperfumes.
InevertoldGranwhatIfound,buteversincethenI’dbeenwatchinghercarefullyforsignsofsickness Sofar,sheseemed normal,andthathadsomewhatmademefeelbetter.Butnow,sittinginthemeanlylitroomwithmysixty-seven-year-oldGran, Icouldseeshewasn’twell
IwasabouttoaskGranifshewasokaywhenDetectiveAudraincamebackintotheroom.Hisfacelookedallwrong,andI knewsomethingwasdefinitelynotokay.
“WespoketoMr Dupont ”
Mr.Dupont.Iliftedmyeyestohisface,bothafraidandanxious;Grangrabbedmyclammyhandwithherdryone. “Hesaysyoursisterseemedfinewhenhesawherinthemall Hesaidhedidn’tgotothemoviewithyouandhasnoidea whoyouwerewithorwhy.”
“He’slying!Heintroducedustothoseguys Heknowswhotheyare” Audrainshruggedapologetically possiblypatronizingly,aswell.“It’syourwordagainsthis.Therearenowitnesseswho sawwhatyousaw.”
Iwasspeechless,flabbergasted WasInotenoughofawitness?
“I’mgoingtoputoutabulletinthatshe’sarunaway.”
GranandIstaredathim,notunderstanding “Butshedidn’trunaway,Irishastoldyouthat. She wasawitness shewasrightthere!”
“Andwewillcontinuetoinvestigate,butatleastgettingherpictureoutthereandonlawenforcement’sradar ” “Gran,”Isaid,grippinghersleeve,desperatetobeheard.“Shedidn’trunaway.” Sheplacedherhandovermineandnodded.“Ibelieveyou.”Hervoicewasfinal.Ibelievedher.Webothlookedat
DetectiveAudrain,whostoodunflinching;hisconvictionwasasstrongasours.Theyweren’tgoingtolookformysister becausetheythoughtshewasarunaway.Piperwouldnevernottellmeifshewasplanningongoingsomewhere.
“Whataboutthecups?”Isaidurgently,marvelingattheironythatwhatIoncethoughtwasaridiculousstretchwasnowmy lasthope.
Foramomenthelookedlost likehedidn’tknowwhatIwastalkingabout Hisdarkeyesblank,likehe’dalreadymoved ontosomethingelse,someothercase.
Athoughtsopainfulflittedthroughmyalreadyovercrowdedbrain,almostdoublingmeoverinpain theywerenever goingtofindmysister.Theyweren’tevengoingtolookforher.
Cognizancefinallyblinkedinhiseyes.“Thecups!Yes,wewilllookintothatandletyouknow.”
ButheknewasmuchasIdidthatthey’dprobablycleanedthetheaterbynow,thrownoutthedrinksthatRJandAngel broughtfromtheconcessionstand.Itwouldhavebeeneasytosneaksomethinginbeforetheycameback.Ipicturedtheonly evidenceburiedinadumpsterofothercups,hopelesslylost
“Hereismycard,ladies.CallmerightawayifyouhearanythingfromPiper anythingatall.”
Thepatronizing Itwasthickerthanthedespair
Chapter5 Present TWOWEEKSAFTERourferryridepastShoalIsland,Iretiremytherapyera Thatsideofthingsisdone Finished Kaput ForthefirstfiveyearsafterPiperwasgone,Ineededtherapy,butafterthatIwantedit.Itmademefeelbettertotalkabout Pipereveryweek.Thetherapistswerededicatedtoteachingmehowtocarryonaftermyentireworldfellapart.HadIlearned tocarryon?Yes Butittookavastamountofworktowantto,andIhadtochangewhoIwasasapersontodesirelife Mostof themtoldmethatIwastheluckyone abizarre,boldthingtosaytothesisterofakidnappedgirl.Thereweredefinitelyno winnersinmysituation Nevertheless,Iamstuffedwithperspective,fattenedwithself-awareness shrink-wrapped Pun absolutelyintended.Iamready.
TherestaurantwhereI’vebeenworkingforthelasttwoyearsthrowsmeagoodbyeparty Ieatalargesliceofsheetcake andtakeafinalshotoftequilabeforesteppingoutside ajoblesswoman.Fornow.SoonI’llstartmywork-studyatShoal.I’d bepaid mostlyinexperience,butthereisasmallwage,aswell.Aminisculebonustomyulteriormotive.
IpullintoGran’sdrivewayateighto’clockandreachtothepassengersidefloorboardtograbtheleftovercaketheysent homewithme.Thepaperplateisbucklingwiththeweightofit,andasI’mtryingtofigureouthowtounlockthefrontdoor withoutdroppingit,thedoorfliesopen
Calstandsinthedoorway,armsathissides,hisfaceashen.Ittakesmetwobreathstonoticethecellphonedanglingfrom hishand Gran’s.
Theballsofhischeeksareflushedanddamplikehe’sbeencrying.
Sniff, sniff “ Gran ” sniff, sniff “ fell ”
Thesirenssoundasecondortwolater Myson’sfaceconfirmsthathewastheonewhosummonedthem No, no no!I think.Hisblueeyesarevacantashestaresatme,cherubcheekswetfromtears.
“Whereisshe?”Imanage
Hepointstothedoorthatleadstothegarage,hisfingershaking.
“Gowaitinyourroom!”Foroncehedoesn’targue,scamperingaroundthecorner.Heshutsthedoorwithabang.
Idropthesaggingplateofcakeandrunforthegarage,flingingthedooropenwithsomuchforceitbouncesbackand almosthitsmeintheface.MyvisionswingslikeapendulumasIstepintothetwo-cargarage.Thelightsareon,butIcan’tsee her IrunaroundhercartothefarsideofthegaragewhereshekeepshergardeningtoolsandtheChristmasdecorations The firstthingIseeistheladderonitsside.BehinditisGran’sbody.
Mykneeslandhardontheconcretenexttoher She’snotconscious,butshe’sbreathing barely “Gran!Gran!”Iputmy fingersonherpulse,feelthedyingtapofherheart,andleaptomyfeet.
Thehigh-lowofthesirensgetsshorter they’reclose!Ittakesmetensecondstoreachthegaragedooropener,hurtling myselfoverthehoodofGran’scar Islammyfistagainsttheswitch,andthemotorkicksonasIracebacktoherside Theambulancebouncesintothedrivewaysecondslater,andthereisaspotlightshiningonmyface.Shieldingmyeyes,I call,“Overhere!”
Doorsopenandclose.There’sthescuffoffeetandvoices.Iletgoofherhandandmoveoutoftheirway,keepingmyeyes onthechaosasItakethreestepsbackuntilI’moutofthegarageandinthedriveway
Idon’trealizethatI’mrockinguntilsomeonegrabsholdofmyshouldersandsqueezesgently Gran’scasualboyfriend, BillyRoss.Heownsthecraftsman-stylehousethreehousesdown.Asheadofneighborhoodwatch,hewasprobablyoutthe doorwhenheheardthesirens
Billyisanoldguywhoworksout.Losthishairandfoundhismuscles;afinelyagedmeathead Gran’swords,notmine. Hestandsbehindmeuntilthestretcherpasses,andwegetalookatherface Itisn’tgood WeturntofollowasBillylooks towardthestreetwhereanxiousfacesaregathering Gran’sneighbors.Theyhavegoodintentions,butIcannotdealwiththis rightnow
“Billy.”Myvoiceishoarse.“CanyouaskMary-AnnifshecancomeoverandwatchCal?Ineedtofollowthe ambulance.”Iwonderifhewasasleepbeforeheranout.
“Gowiththeambulance,”hesays “We’lltakecareofit ”Afirstresponderisholdingthedooroftheambulanceopen BehindhimIcanseethevulnerablelumpthatisGranlyingonthestretcher.I’mtemptedtojumpinside.
“Ican’t IhavetotalktoCalbeforeIleave He’sinside,afraid”Ilookatthemanholdingthedoor “Go,”Itellhim “I’ll
drive.”
Heclosesitwithoutaword,andthey’regone.
IruninsidewhileBillytalkstoMary-Ann anotherneighborfriendwhosefaceIspotinthegrowingcluster Calisinthe livingroomsittingonthecouch.Helookssosmallandafraid,Iburstintotears.It’sthewrongthingtodo,ofcourse,because hecrieswhenIcry Iholdhimonmylapandtellhimit’sgoingtobeokay Amother’slie nothingiseverokay,buttheyneed tobelieveitcanbe.Iholdhisfaceinmyhands,lookintohisbigweteyes.
“Ihavetogotothehospital Mary-Anniscomingovertostaywithyou”
“No!She’smygrantoo!Iwanttogowithyou!”HethrowshimselfagainstmeasMary-Annopensthefrontdoorandsteps inside,wipingherfeet.Cal,whodoesn’tlikepeopletoseehimcry,wipeshisfaceonhissleeveandstaresattheblankTV screenstoically
“I’llbeback.Everythingisgoingtobeokay,”Ilieagain.Heignoresme.It’shardtogetupandwalktothedoor;I’m leavingonepersonforanother it’saterriblefeeling ItrytocatchhiseyebeforeIleave,buthe’sstubborn Mary-AnnturnsontheTVandnodsatmetogo.“Let’sbakecookies.”IhearhersaybeforeIclosethedoor.
Thedoctor,awomaninherfiftieswhoresemblesDanaDelany,tellsmethatGranhadanischemicstroke,whichiscaused whenanarterytothebrainissuddenlyblockedbyabloodclot.
“Weadministeredtissueplasminogen,whichdissolvedtheclot,allowingbloodtoreachthebrain Duetoherage,wecan’t knowthefullextentofthenegativeeffectsthestrokewillhaveonher.I’mgoingtokeepherhereforafewweekstoobserve her,butshe’sgoingtoneedweeks maybemonths ofphysical,occupational,andspeechtherapy.It’salongroadfromhere, unfortunately”
Timebecomesastrange,painfulwarpofworryandguilt.ThenextdoctorIspeaktoisananimatedmaninabowtieand colorfulsockswhogivesmefurtherwarningsinasingsongvoice,likewe’reinamusicalinsteadoftheICU
“You’regoingtoneedhelp.Sheneedsin-homecareandsomeonetodrivehertophysicaltherapysessions.Longroad…” hesays Thenursesgivemesympatheticglancesastheysqueakbyintheirpracticalshoes Theybringboxedapplejuiceand animalcrackersformyshock.I’mtouched,butIdon’twantanyofit.
Idon’trememberthedrivehome;I’msuddenlyinthedriveway,achingallthewaytomybones.Iwalkthroughthedoorfor thesecondtimeatmidnight I’dbeentextingMary-Annupdatesfromthehospital,sosheopensthedoorbeforeIcantakeout mykey.Itlookslikeshewantstohugmebutdoesn’t.I’mglad.Kindnessfeelsliketoomuch.Everythingfeelsliketoomuch.
“He’sasleep IlethimkeeptheTVon Itseemedtotakehismindoffthingsabit”Shepacestothediningtableandgrabs herbagandsweater.
IlooktowardGran’sroomandseetheflickeringoflightthroughthecrackinthedoor.“Thankyou,Mary-Ann.Idon’t knowwhatIwouldhavedonewithoutyou truly.It’slate,andIknowyouhavetoworkinthemorning.”
Sheflipsherblondhairoutfrombeneathhersweaterandbeelinesforthedoor.Wavingoffmythanks,shetouchesmy shoulder “Itwasfine Igradedtests Garyissandingourfloors,soitwasnicetogetawayfromthenoiseforafewhours” Herhusbandwasretired,havingpassedthefamilybusinesstotheirson.“Hewasgreatasalways,”shesays,noddingtoward whereCalliesasleep “AnymorenewsonBetty?”
ItellherwhatIknow.
Herfacegrowsserious.“Iris,ItalkedtoGaryaboutit,andwe’dliketohelpwithCalforthenextfewmonths.Icantake himtoschoolwithmeinthemorningsandbringhimback.Hecaneatdinnerwithusanddohishomework.Wehavethespare, andhewillbeabletohangoutwithBryanonFridaynights.JustuntilBettygetsbetter.”Shesqueezesmyhand.“You’llneed thehelp”
Idon’tknowwhattosay.Ihaven’tevengottenthatfaraheadyet,andshe’salreadygivingmeasolution.Bryanishernineyear-oldgrandson,andCalabsolutelylovesplayingwithhim Butspendingsuchlongperiodsoftimeawayfromhome,and withoutmeorGran?
“You’vebeenthroughawholelot.Whydon’tyousleeponitandletmeknow?”Shepositionsherbagonhershoulderand swingsopenthedoor Ialmostcallafterher Idon’twanttobealone,couldshesleepovermaybejusttonight ?
Aselfishthought.Mary-Annhasdoneenoughforonenight.Besides,I’mabiggirlwithalittleboytotakecareof.Ithank heragainandlockthedoorbehindher ItfeelsstrangebeingherewithoutGran,likebeinginaWalmartafteritclosed sofull ofthingsbutemptyofenergy.
Icheckonmycherub-facedson,coveringhimwithGran’sduvet He’dcampedoutinherroomtofeelclosetoher,andit sendsapangofsadnessthroughmyheart.I’llhavetoexplaineverythingtomorrowmorning;whatahorriblethingtowakeup to.Idrinktwoglassesofwaterstandingoverthesink.I’mtryingnottopanic,butmyworldiscollapsing.Therewillbe medicalbills,andmedicaltransport ThereisachanceI’llhavetobeherfull-timecaregiver
Nottonight,Itellmyself.Myemotionalcapacityisonempty.Ineedsleep.IshowerandcrawlintoGran’sbedwithCal, turningthevolumeallthewayuponmyphone
Ican’tdenyit;I’mbeingtriggered.Becauseontopofthestressthissuddenturnofeventshasinflicteduponme,Ican’tstop
thinkingaboutthelasttimethishappened…thosecatastrophicdaysaftermysisterdisappearedinthatcar.Thedepression associatedwiththattimelingersonthosememorieslikegrime,nomatterhowhardItrytodouseit.IfIchoosetoremember,I amalsochoosingtohitrefreshonmytraumaandfeelitalloveragain
Somethingscan’tbeavoided,IthinkasIfallintojumbleddreamswherestrangersstoptotellmethatit’sgoingtobea longroadahead
ThenextmorningCalstumblesintothekitchen,sleepyandrubbinghiseyes.
Isithimacrossfrommeatthetableandtellhimwhathappenedwhilecinnamonbunsbakeintheoven Ifsomeoneissad, youfeedthem.Gran’stake,butI’mwillingtogiveitashot.IexplaineverythingthebestIcan,butwhenIgettothepartabout himstayingwithMary-AnnandGary helosesit.
“Ifyoutoldmewhomydadwas,Icouldgostaywithhim!”
Ishouldn’tbesurprisedCalisusingthisasanotheropportunitytobringuphisfather,butIam.Itakeamomenttosteady myvoicebeforeanswering “No,youcouldn’t,Cal That’snotthewayitworks”
Ican’tstandtheideaofhimhatingmeandthinkinghisfatherisouttherebeingahero.Thatnarrativehassomehowtaken rootinmyson’sbraininthelastfewmonths,althoughIknewthiswouldhappeneventuallyashegotolder He’sbeenmore inquisitivelately,askingafteramanI’llneverforget,butwantto.
Calisapproachingmanhoodwithoutamantoshowhimtheropes arealityforalotoflittleboys,butitmakesmefeel deeplyguilty,nonetheless Ihaven’tbeenabletoproduceasubstitutefatherforhim,I’vebeentoobusytrackingthemenwho tookPiper.Itstingsforhimtoseehisfriendsandtheirdadstogether,afeelingtowhichIcanrelate.WhenPiperandIwere little,we’dtellpeopleourdad’snamewasTomCavendish Wedidn’tknowaTomoraCavendish,butwelikedthewayit sounded anewsanchorname.
Thetimerontheovendings.“Look,”Isay,gettingupandgrabbingthekitchenmitts.“You’vegotamomwhoiscrazyabout you,andthecoolestgreat-grandmaintheworld.Thisisn’tpermanent,it’sjustuntilGrangetsoutofthehospitalandmyworkstudyisover.”Myvoicesoundsoverlycheerful.He’snotbuyingit.
“Bryanwillbethereontheweekends,”Ioffer Hecracksasmile. That’s all you need.
“You’regoingtobeareallygooddadsomeday Asforyourdad Idon’tknowwhereheis That’ssomethingwehaveto workthroughtogether,sotalktomeaboutitwhenyouneedto,andwewillbesadtogether.”
Henods,agoodboy,andheispressingbackthetears,tryingtobestrongforme.Idon’twanthimtohavetodothat be strongforme.HeisthekidandIamtheadult,andIwanttomakesurehealwaysknowsthat.EventhoughIdon’tfeellikean adultrightnow.Iwantsomeonetocryon,someonetostrokemyhairandtellmeeverythingisgoingtobeallright.Sheisin thehospital
Isitbesidehimwhileheeats.Myson,mysweetsonhasnoideahowhardI’llworktokeephimawayfromhisfather.I’d kill
Chapter6 Past THESKYWASdarkwhenwepulleduptothemailboxonEastCherryStreet Irolleddownthewindow,squintingatthe numbers.
“It’stherightone,”IsaidtoGran.Beforeshecouldstopme,Iopenedthedoorandhoppedout,myChuckssplashing throughthedeeppuddlesinthedriveway
Icouldn’tseemuchofit,butthehousewassquat,tuckedbehindarowofovergrownhedgesthatseparatedhousefrom sidewalk Thedrivewaywastotheleftofthehouse,leadingtoadetachedgarage,andwhenIturnedtowardthedoor,I immediatelyheardvoicestrailingfromtheopenwindow.Abunchofscragglytennisshoessatinatumblebesidethedoor. Iknocked,stilllookingatthem lookingformysister’sshoes Thedoorswungwide,andawomaninadirtyblack baseballcapstoodstaringatme.ShewaswearingaFarmer’sMarketpolowithabadgethatsaid Manager Ruth.I’dseenher behindthecountershavingturkeyandscoopingmacaronisaladintocontainers.
“What?”Sheduckedherchin,hereyesgrazingovermyfacelikeshewasseeingsomethingnasty Shelookedlikeafemale versionofherson.
“IsDuponthome ImeanChris?”
Herscowlonlygotdeeper;shegrabbedthedoorknobwithonehandandcockedtheotheronherhip.
Iaskedagain,inawayGranwouldapproveof.“Ma’am,mayIpleasespeaktoChris?It’sveryimportant.” “Areyoupregnant?”
Herquestionhit,andIwasunarmed.Mouthopen,Iblinkedatherafewsecondsbeforeviolentlyshakingmyhead.“No, ma’am”
Sheslammedthedoorinmyface,butIheardhercalling,“Someoneatthedoorforyou,Chris.Getyourassouthere.” Whenthedooropenedagain,Dupontlookedsurprisedtoseeme Hewasstillwearingthesameridiculousoutfithe’dhad onearlier.
“Whadduwant?”Hesmelledlikeweed.
“Where’sPiper?”IlookedhimovercloselylikePiper’swhereaboutswerehiddensomewhereonhisbody.
Wesharedtheslabofconcreteinfrontofthedoor;foodsmellswerestartingtodriftoutofthewindows,andIrealized withdismaythatIwashungry Howcouldmybodythinkofeatingrightnow?
Dupontwaswirybuthewasalottallerthanme.Istaredupatthesmatteringofpimplesalonghisjawandknewwith certaintythatheknewsomething Hewasbeingshady Hiseyesweredartingbetweenmeandthestreet IlookedovermyshoulderandsawtheglowofPriusheadlights.
“Whothefuckisthat?”HestaredtowardGran’scar,themusclesinhisjawjumping.Hewasactingstrungout,andwhenI lookedcloser,Isawthathispupilsweredime-sized “Chillout,dude,”Isaidquietly.“It’smygrandmother.”
Dupontshotanothersuspiciouslookatthecarandwipedhisnosewiththebackofhissleeve “Idon’tknowwhereyourfuckingsisteris.”
“Bullshit!”I’dseenthewayhewastalkingtoRJandAngelorwhoeverthoseguyswere Heknewthem “Comeon, Chris…”
HenarrowedhiseyesatmewhenIusedhisfirstname.
“She’smysister,man Thoseguysyousetherupwithputherinacaranddroveaway She’smissing”
“Ididn’tsetherupwiththoseguys.Colbycametomeaskingabouther,justlikeIsaid.Ihookedhimup,butIdon’tknow himlikethat,andIdefinitelydon’tknowhisfriends”Hewaslying Icouldseeitalloverhimlikeanervousjitter “Thenwhatwasinitforyou?”
Heshrugged “Ihelpout,that’swhatIdo” “Youdon’thelpoutforfree…”
Igotthefeelinghewantedtohitmeashetuckedhishandsinthepocketsofhispants,staringataspotovermyshoulder. Hewasn’tgoingtotellmeanything HadIreallyexpectedhimto?KidslikeChrisDupontworkedforthemselves Ihad nothingtoofferhim,notradetomake.
“Ijustneedtofindthoseguys AngelandRJ TheyhavePiper I’lloweyouone,okay?”Whatdidthatmean to
Dupont…tome?IknewwhatPipermeantwhenshesaidit,butIwassmallandweird,andmylipswerealwayschapped.Ifelt stupidandashamedrightafterIsaidit,buthewasn’tlookingatme,hewasfixatedonGran’sheadlights Iwishedshe’djust turnthemoff
Dupont’sjawstartedworkingashebackedintothehouse.“Youcalledthepolicealready,”hesaid.“Theycalled.You thinkI’mstupid?Nowgetthefuckoutofhere!”
Fearful,Ibackedupuntilmyheelsbumpedagainstthepileofshoes.OutofthecornerofmyeyeIsawmovementthrough thelivingroomwindow hismother Insecondshe’dbeslammingthedoorinmyface IfIknewanythingaboutmoms,itwas thattheydidn’twantthecopscalledontheirkids.
“YoueithertellmesomethingorI’mgoingtothepoliceagain.I’mnotkidding,Dupont!”Iraisedmyvoice,standingon tiptoesomywordscouldreachhismother Soundtravelsinsmallhouses “Thepolice.”Isaiditlouder.
Dupontfroze,thenquicklysteppedbackoutside,closingthedoorquietlybehindhim “I’mgoingtofuckyouup”He pointedafingeratmychest.
Therainhadpickedupandwasstartingtosoakthroughmyshirt;Iwassocold,Ihadtoforcemyteethtokeepfrom chattering.
“I’mgivingyouthechoiceoftalkingtomeorthepolice,”Isaid.BoldwordsforsomeoneasscaredasIwas.Iliftedmy chintolookathisfaceandimmediatelysawwhatwasabouttohappen
Ibarelyhadtimetobracemyself;oneminuteIwasstandingonthestoop,andthenextIwasonmybackinthegrass,the rainhittingmyfaceintinygasps Ilayonthegrassbehindthehedges,thewindknockedoutofme BeforeIcouldgrabagood breath,Dupontputhisfootonmychest,pinningmedown.Iwheezed painexplodedthroughmylowerbackandsternum wherethebulkofhisweightpresseddown.
“Gah!”Iclawedathisfootwithmyhands,buthewaslevelinghisweightonmychest,hisleftlegkeepingbalanceashe leanedtowardmyface.
“Luckyfortheoldladytherearetwoofyou”Afteronelastthrust,hetookhisfootoffmychest,andIrolledtomyside, gasping.IheardGran’svoicecallingmynameandtheslammingofacardoor.No!Iwantedtocallouttoher,butIstruggledto catchmybreath Ipushedmyselftomyknees,andasIstumbledtomyfeet,IcaughtsightofDupont’sfrontdoorslamming closed.
“Lucky for the old lady there are two of you… ” Whathadhemeant?
Granwasstillcallingmyname.Iwalkedtowardthestreet,rightingmyselfwithmyarmstretchedtowardher.“Getbackin thecar.Let’sgo.”
Shewasintheirdriveway “Didthatboydosomethingtoyou?”Istoppedwalkingsoshewouldn’tseemelimp,butitwas toolate.
“Getinthecar”
“Gran, NO!”
Shedidn’tjustknock;shepoundedherclosedfist,jackhammeringwhereI’drappedsotimidly.
PiperwaslikeGran,andI’dalwaysbeenjealousoftheirbond theirsameness Wecalledherthewildlibrarian,alluding tothefactthatshepaidforherdegreebystripping.Bytheageoffive,ourmomwasherbookkeeper,countinghertipsafter everyshiftandwritingtheamountinalittlenotebook Grangaveupstrippingassoonasshegraduated,butbythenshe’d starteddatingmarriedmen.Shelostcustodyofourmotherwhenshewasnineafterbeingarrestedforbeatingupher boyfriend’swife She’dwalkedthestraightandnarrowsincegettingcustodyofmymomback,andthenwhenourmomfailed asamother,sheraisedustoo.Ontheoutsidesheworeapinkcardigan,butontheinside,deepwhereshekeptithidden,she wasthewomanwhoslammedherlover’swifeintothewallinalaundromatuntilshepassedout.
Thedooropenedmoreaggressivelythistime,andDupont’smothersteppedoutside,forcingGrandownastair
Iglancedatthecar;she’dleftherdooropenwhenshehoppedtomyrescue.IbeganhobblingtowarditwhenIspotteda lightontotherearofthehouse Turningtowardit,Islippedbetweenthegarageandthehouse,pickingmywaydownthethin alleywaythebuildingsmade.IcouldhearGran’svoice,loudandassertivebehindme,whileDupont’smothertriedtotalkover her,saying,“Holdonnow,holdon Yousaidwhat?”
Thewindowglowedwarm,andsoonIheardanothervoice.Mybackwastothewallnexttothewindow,closeenoughthat Icouldpeekaroundandlookinside.Myeyestookinventory:abunkbedandadresser,Dupontsittingontheedgeofthebed facingawayfromme,thephonetohisear
“Yeah,she’soutthererightnowscreamingattheoldlady.Youwantmetocallthecops?Youweresupposedtotakeboth ofthem,man,thisisbullshit Whycan’tyoucomeout ”
Ascreamechoedfromthefrontyard.Iheardhimdropsomethingandswear.Thenwewerebothracingtowardthefrontof thehouse.
HereachedthembeforeIdid,becauseasIroundedthecorner,IsawDupontgrabhismotherfrombehindanddragher backwards awayfromGran.Gran,whowaswalkingtowardheracrossthegrasspointingafinger,lurchedforward.“Shit
IreachedGranintimetoyankherawaybeforeshegotkicked.
“Youcrazyoldbat!”Dupont’smotherscreamed.“I’mcallingthepolice!”Ispeed-walkedGrantothecarandshovedher inside,keepinganeyeonthedrivewayasIranaroundtothepassengerside
“Go!Go!”Iyelled.Granpeeledout,zigzaggingintothetraffic,andthirtysecondslater,whenshesteeredthePriusontothe freeway,Istartedcrying
Shereachedoverandgentlysqueezedmyknee.“Iris…later.Wecan’tdothatrightnow.Tellmewhatyoufoundoutfrom thatboy ”
Itoldhereverythingthathappenedfromstarttoend,andwhenIwasdone,shestaredstraightaheadlikeshewasn’tseeing theroad.Irealizedthenwe’dpassedourexitfivemilesago,andshewasspeeding sheneverwentmorethanfivemilesover thespeedlimit
“Gran…wherearewegoing?”
Shedidn’tanswerme;sheswitchedlanes,passingatruckthatwasgoingatleastseventy-five Thesignabovetheoverpass saidwewereheadedtoTacoma.
MyheadjerkedtolookatGranagain “Areyouserious?”
Shewasahundredpercentserious Icouldseeitinthesetofherjaw.
“Yousaidweneverhadtogobackthere…”Ihatedthewhineinmyvoice.Isoundedlikealittlekid.Ifeltawaveofanger towardPiper Whywasshedoingthistous?Shecouldneverjustsitstillandnotgetintotrouble She’dbeendoingthisshit sinceshewaslittle makingGranpanic,stirringthechaosuntilthehungerinhereyeswassated.
“She’snotgoingtobethere,Gran!”
“Youdon’tknowthat.We’relikedogs,we’lleatourvomitifwehaveto.EvenifPiperisnotthere,wehavetotellher…” IturnedthetophalfofmybodytowardthewindowtoletherknowhowIfelt.“Shedoesn’tcare.IfPipergoesmissing,ifI gomissing shedoesn’tcare.”
Grandidn’tsayanythingtothat.Shecouldn’t.Wedroveinsilencetherestoftheway.Mylipswerechapped,soIopened thegloveboxanddugaroundformylipbalm
WhenwereachedthedingysuburbsofTacoma,thePriusturneddownthesaddeststreetintown.PiperandIcalleditMom Row:uglycementhousespaintedinpastels;therewerebarsonthewindowsandyardsfilledwithdirtandoldjunk
ThiswastheplaceCPStookusfromwhenafourth-gradeteacheraskedforawellnesscheck.Ourmotherwasonabinge thatweek,andwhenthesocialworkerknocked,sheansweredthedoorhighandholdingabottleofJimBeam.Grantookusin. Shewouldhavehadusoutoftheresoonerifsheknewhowbaditwas,butourmomcutheroffwhenevershewasusing.When thesocialworkerdroppedusoffatherhousethatday,wehadn’tseenherinayear.
“You’resobig!”wasthefirstthingGransaidbeforeshegrabbedusinoneofherhugsandcriedintoourhair Wewere limpinherarms;we’dforgottenhowtobehugged.
“Ishouldhaveknown,Ishouldhaveknown,”shekeptsaying Wedidn’tevenknow ittookmonthsoflivingwithGranto understandhowbadthingshadbeen.Itwasoverwhelmingtoadapttolifeinherlittleplace.Threemealsaday,abedroom withtwinbedsandachangeofsheets,constantinterestandattention. Did you brush your teeth? Why aren’t you eating your spinach? Don’t you girls know how to use a hamper? Wethoughtshewascrazywhensheyelledatmeforansweringthedoor withoutlookingthroughthepeepholefirst.Wedidn’tlikeit,andthenallofasudden,wedid.Itwasours…wefeltsafe.
GoingbacktoMomRowdidnotfeelsafe Wewereafraidthatwe’dhavetostayeventhoughourmotherdidn’thave custodyofusanymore.
Granparkedonthestreetoutsideayellowhousewithachippedbrowndoorandsighed Shedidn’twanttobehereeither IpickedatastringonmypantsasGrankilledtheengine.
“Yellow-yellow, you ugly Jell-O…” Wemadeupthatrhymethedaywemovedintothetinybungalow,ourthen-sobermom grinningatus Shelockedusoutofthehouseanhourlatersayingwewereannoyingher thefirstdayofmanylockouts We calledthehouseyellow-yellow,acheerfulnamefortheawfulnesswithin.IfIstaredtoolongatthebedroomwindow,Icould hearPipercrying
Granknockedonmywindow,snappingmeoutofmytrance.Igotoutofthecarandstoodbehindtheopendoorlikeit couldshieldme,whileshepoundedonthefrontdoor
“Openup,Virginia!”
IfMomwasusing,shewouldn’tbeabletohearthebanging.Shewouldn’twakeupevenwhenPiperandIusedtoshake her ButGrankeptbanging,thethinwoodtremblingbeneathherfist Thelightinthelivingroomturnedonandthefrontdoor wasyankedopen.Iwantedtothrowup,butinsteadIstayedhiddenbehindthecardoorlikeacoward.Amanstoodinthe doorwayinhisboxersandsockslookingenraged Hishairwaspressedflatonthesidehe’dbeensleepingonit “Whatthefuck,”hebarked,makingmeflinch. “IneedtospeaktoVirginia.”
Helookeddumbfoundedtoseeawhite-hairedwomanstandingathisdoor;shewasclearlynotwhohewasexpecting.His gazemovedfromhertomeandbacktoher.“Whoareyou?”
