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WILLOW MICHELLESCOTT To all my fellow women working in the medical field ... it is a special job we do that takes patience, perseverance, and endless heart
"Medicine is not merely a science but an art " Paracelsus
Copyright©2023byMichelleScott Allrightsreserved.
CoverDesigner:KimWilson©KiWiCoverDesignCo
Editor:JovanaShirley,UnforeseenEditing,www.unforeseenediting.com
Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronicormechanical,including photocopying,recording,orbyanyinformationstorageandretrievalsystemwithoutthewrittenpermissionoftheauthor, exceptfortheuseofbriefquotationsinabookreview.
Thisbookisaworkoffiction Names,characters,places,andincidentseitherareproductsoftheauthor’simaginationorare usedfictitiously.Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.
ISBN:9798872064626
CHAPTERONE WILLOW Ienterthroughthedoorandtakeaseat,glancingaroundthecornerofficeasIdo.Thesunissettingoutsidethefloor-to-ceiling windows ThedoorominouslyclicksshutbehindmeasJeffenters,theCEO,andsitsbehindhisdesk Dr Cooper,my supervisingphysician,lowersintothechairbymysideatthesametime.I’veworkedwithhimforsixyears,buthewon’tmeet myeyes We’vegrowncloseoverthattime,too,laboringshouldertoshoulder Longdaysofsurgeryandseeingpatientsinthe clinicandevenlongernightsoncalltogether.I’mhisphysicianassistant.Hisright-handwoman.Hisworkwife. IforcedthismeetingbecauseIknewsomethingwasbrewing Todayisaclinicday Andthismorning,aPAstudentshowedup unexpectedly Toby.He’sgraduatinginafewmonths.Hedidarotationwithusearlierthisyearandshadowedmeinthe clinic Itaughthimthebasicsofrounding,takingcalls,andassistinginsurgery Howtoscrubinandhowtosuture Butnoone toldmehewascomingbackforanotherweek.Turnsout,hehadadifferentrotationthatfellthrough,sohe’swithusagain instead.
Soundsnormalenough,right?Well,Iwasoriginallytoldthathewasrotatingwithmyphysicianandmebecauseoneofthe otherpartnerswasthinkingofhiringaPAandtheywereinterestedinToby So,Iwalkedtotheothersideoftheclinictoask thatparticularsurgeonifhewantedTobywithhiminsurgeryorattheofficethisweek.Surprisingly,thatdoctorknewnothing aboutthePAstudent.Somethingclickedinsideofmyhead.
There’sbeentensionbetweenDr.Cooperandmeinrecentweeks.He’smarried.I’msingle.Someprofessionallineshave beencrossed,andit’shardtountanglethingsoncethathappens.We’vebeenarguingmoreandmore.Longworkdayshave becomeuncomfortableattimes ButitneverdawnedonmethatDr Cooper Ron wouldgetridofme Orreplacemewith someoneelse.Heneedsmetoomuch,right?Andwe’renotjustcoworkers.We’vebecome… more overtheyears. Buthewon’tmeetmyeyesrightnowasJeffbeginstotalk.Thetwomenintheroomareuncomfortable,shiftingintheirchairs. It’sinterestingwhenitcomestoconfrontation.TheCEOsittingbehindthatbigmahoganydeskistheleaderofthecompany, andthesurgeonbesidemeisthealphamaletype Dr Coopercommandsanoperatingroomandisoneofthebestorthopedists inthestate.Butrightnow,he’stheweakestpersonintheroom.Becausehedoesn’thavethegutstomeetmygazeashestabs meintheback Maybehe’sdoingitpurposelytomakemeangrysothatit’seasiertowalkawayfromourpartnership “Justgiveittomestraight,”Isay,myvoicefirmandstrong,butnotraised.I’meerilycalm.Icansensewhat’scoming,andI’m readytotakeit I’mwearingmyresentmentlikeashield AndIwon’tleavethisroomwithoutthetruth “IsTobyheretotake myplace?”
Afterabriefpause,Jeffconfirmsmysuspicions,voicingwhatDr Coopercan’t orwon’t “Yes” Iguessthat’swhyJeffispaidsowell.Becausehe’sheretocleanupthemessesthedoctorsmake.He’sthehitman,hiredtodo thedirtyworkforthem I’vealwaysknownJeffwasn’tmyadvocate Helooksoutforthebestinterestofthedoctorsfirstand foremost.ButIneverthoughthewasmyenemyuntilnow.I’mtoovaluable.Irreplaceable.Untouchable. Howsillyofmetothinkthat I’mjustawomanworkinginaman’sworldafterall.Andthisjob orthopedicsurgery isthemostmale-dominated professionofmedicine Old-schoolrulesapplyhere Themenarethealphas,theleaders Andthewomenareheretoserve themortostandthereandlookpretty.
I’veneverfeltasindispensableasIdorightnow Asdiminished I’vegiventhisplacesixyearsofmylife Blood,sweat,and tears.Time. All mytime.Ineglectedmypersonallifeforthisposition.Myfriendshipsandmyrelationships.Boyfriends.I workedforaworkaholic,whichautomaticallymademeonebydefault Andnow,I’minthefirsthalfofmythirties,andwhat doIhavetoshowforit?Ahouseandacar materialthingsthatIdon’thavetimetoenjoy.Sixyearsofhardworkthatallboil downtothismoment
“Why?”Ipush,oddlyunemotional.“DidInotperformwell?WastheresomethingIdidwrong?”
Jeffspeaksgibberish Dr Cooperstumblesoverhiswords Finally,thetruthcomesout.AndDr.Cooperstillcan’tlookmeintheface.
“Mywifedoesn’twantmetoworkwithafemaleanymore.”
Iscoffoutamirthlesslaugh. So, the problem is the space between my legs
Icouldsuethemforfiringmeforbeingawoman.It’smeritless.AndfromthecringylookonJeff’sface,he’sawareofittoo.
ButDr.Cooper Ron knowsIwon’t.I’mnotthelegalistictype.Plus,suingaformerdoctoryouworkedforisthekissof deathifyouwanttobeemployedasaphysicianassistantagain Themedicalcommunityissmall,nomatterhowbigthiscity is.Andwordtravelsquicklyinthesecircles.
Dr. Cooper’s wife is a fool if she thinks removing me from the situation will fix anything. “So,what…”Istart.
Ronfinallylooksatme.There’sguiltandremorseinhisclearblueeyesandmaybealittlefearmixedintheretoo.Heknows there’ssomuchIcouldsaytoburnhim He’sawareofallthethingsthathavehappenedbetweenusandeverythingthatIknow “YouwerejustgoingtoletmetrainTobyandthenbringhimintoreplacemewithouteventellingme?”
“No,”hesays,clearinghisthroat “Iwastryingtofigureoutanotherpositionforyou Maybearesearchposition”Hespeaks slowly,likeI’marabidanimal,onewordawayfrompouncing.
Myeyebrowslift So,hewasplanningtokeepmehere,hiddenawayinabullshitpositionthatIneverwantedoraskedfor Likeasidepiece.
“I’mnotinterestedinthat,”Isaydirectly.Calmly.
AndI’mnot.Ifthisistheendofmyemploymenthere,thenI’llmoveon.Ithurts,goingoutlikethis.Myprideistakinga beating ButIwenttoschoolforyears Ihavemymaster’sdegree AndIstillhaveasmallpieceofmyprideintact Idon’t wantaresearchposition.Iwanttoworkwithpatientsandassistinsurgery.
“So,wheredowegofromhere?”Iask.
“Whydon’tyougoaheadandtaketherestoftheweekoff?”Dr.Coopersuggests,likehe’sdoingmeafavor.He’sbeingthe “goodguy”rightnow.Theamiableboss.
“Okay,”Iagree
I’mscheduledtogoonvacationnextweekanyway.Hopefully,Icanleaveafewdaysearly.Ican’tthinkofanythingIwant moreatthismomentthantoescapemylife Myparentsrentedahouseinasmallmountaintownlessthanaday’sdrivefromthe city,andwearegoingtomeetthere.It’salittlesliceofheaven.Theperfectwaytobreakfreefromthemadnessofmyreality andcareerforashorttimeeachyear.Twoweeksawayfromitall.It’sbecomeatradition;we’vetraveledthereeveryfallfor thepastsixyears It’saseven-hourdrivefromthecityI’mlivinginnow Butitfeelslikeit’sworldsaway
There’sanawkwardsilenceasIstandtoleaveeventhoughnothingisresolved It’sclearneithermaninthisroomexpectedme tofigureouttheirplansbeforetheyhadachancetofullyexecutethem.Buttheyshouldknowmebetterthanthatbynow.I’m perceptive.Ipayattention.
Iclosethedoorbehindme,knowingthey’regoingtostayawhiletotalkaboutwhatjusthappenedwithoutmehere Iwalk downthehallway,manufacturingfakesmilesandemptyplatitudeswithofficestaffthatImightneverseeagain,feeling nauseoustheentiretime Myfeetcarrymetotheareawhereweseepatientsonclinicdays I’vespentthreedaysaweekfor thepastfewyearsinthisofficespace.Theothertimewasspentintheoperatingrooms,rounding,andtakingcallsonnights andweekends
Igrabmystethoscopeandmybagandpausetolookaround.Thehallwayisempty,muchlikethespaceinsidemychest.We finishedseeingpatientsaboutthirtyminutesago,andourmedicalassistantisalreadygonefortheday Istandinsilence,even asthefloorisfallingbeneathmyfeet.
Iguesslifeisfunnylikethat Itcanchangeintheblinkofaneye Thismorning,Iarrived,readytoworkanormalMondayat theoffice.Andnow,I’mleaving,andInolongerknowwhereI’mgoingtospendtherestoftheweekorthedaysfollowingit.I don’tknowwheremynextpaycheckwillcomefrom.Iturntoleavebeforethepanicfullysetsin,stranglingmewiththe unknown.
Icallmymomonthedrivehomeandletherknowwhathappened “IguessIjustgotfired,”Iexplain,thoughthingswerelefthazyandgraysoit’sdifficulttorelay. Idon’tknowifDr CooperandJeffwantmetoreturnforafewweeksaftermyvacationtoworkorifthiswasofficiallymy lastday.Tobydoesn’tgraduateuntiltheendoftheyear,sothatwouldleavemydoctorwithouthelpforafewmonths.ButI’m unsureifhewantsmeback,knowingwhatInowknow Ihavenoideawhatthefutureholds IcantellMom’sphoneisonspeaker,andI’msuremydadislisteninginthebackground.She’ssilentforabit,digestingthe information Bothmyparentsare Butthey’resteadyandsolid Theytellmeeverythingwillbefine,andIknowtheyarebeing sincere.TheytalkaboutGodandHiswillformylife.That’swherethesteadinesscomesfrom.Igrabontothatstrengthwith bothhands.Momentslikethiscallforit.
Ihangupthephone,drivetomyhouse,andwalkinside,strippingoutofmyclothestotakeahotshower.Istayunderthefaucet untilthewaterturnscold,lettingitsoothemytiredmusclesandtheachinginmychest.Iusethecoldtile-coveredwalltohold meup Idon’tthinktheenormityofwhatjusthappenedhasfullyhitmeyetbecauseIstillfeelmostlynumb Idon’tsleepmuch Andthenextmorning,planschangeagain Mydadwasrushedtothehospitalforanemergency appendectomyovernight.Mymomcancelstheirplanstogooutoftownnowthatsheneedstostayhomeandhelphimrecover. Butshekeepsthereservationsintact,tellingmetousethehousetheyrentedforthenexttwoweeksonmyown.Shewantsme togetoutoftown,sayingitwillbegoodformetoclearmyhead AndIagree Icallaheadanddiscovertherentalisfreenow,soIacceleratemyplanstoleavetomorrowinsteadofnextweek.Ispendthe dayvisitingmydadinthehospital Mynumbnessshiftsintouneaseaseverybitofthemajorchangestartstosoakintomy consciousness.
AndthelifeIonceknewcompletelyshifts.
CHAPTERTWO WILLOW Thenextmorning,IriseandloadmySUV,movingonautopilot.Withacarafeofcoffeeandtheradioturnedup,Idrivethe sevenhourstothesmallmountaintownofSullivan’sWayalone It’sapopularvacationspotforpeoplefromthecitysinceit’s lessthanaday’sdrive.Butthemagicoftheplaceisthatitfeelslikeadifferentcountry.Ithassmall-towncharmandbordersa nationalpark Thereiseverythingamountainlovercouldwant Scenery Quiet Wildlife Dryair Anyoutdooradventureyou canthinkup.Hikinginthespring,summer,andfallandworld-classskiinginthewinter.Escape.ThatlastassetisthethingI’m seekingthemostrightnow.
IpulluptotheofficeacrossthestreetfromthehousingadditionwhereIwillbestaying.ThetiresscrapealongthegravelasI parknexttotheonlyothervehicleinthelot MymusclesarestiffwhenIexittheSUVfromthehoursspentsittinginthesame position.Istretch,andmyneckcracks.Theairsmellsofpine,andthebreezeiscool.Itakeadeepinhale,breathinginthe clean,crispair.Thesmellaloneconjuresupimagesofpastvacationsspenthere.
Ittakesmelessthantenminutestocheckinandreceivethekeys.Myparents blessthem prepaidforthehouse.Allthe arrangementshavebeenmade AllIneedtodoismovemyselfinandrelax
It’sashortjauntintotheaddition.Theroadsarewinding,andthehousesarenestledinsidethepineandaspentrees.There’sa creekacrossthestreet,weavingitswayalongtheroadwithme
Theplacewealwaysrentisathree-bedroom,two-bathroomcabinwithacozylivingroomatthefrontthatfacesthemountain peaks It’samillion-dollarviewfromamodest-sizedhouse There’sasmallpondsittinginthebackyard I’llneverforgetthe yearwewatchedamamamooseeatingshrubsandtwigsasherbabyplayedinthewater.Thecalfstompedaroundinthepond likealankykid,makingnoiseandcausingaruckuswhilethemomquietlylookedonandate Bothanimalsknewwewere there,watchingfromadistance.Buttheydidn’tcare.
Afterparking,Ipauseontheporchtofumblewiththekeysandgazeatthemountains,acoupleofbagsslungovermyshoulders andinmyhands Thepeaksaresomajestic
I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of this view Ifeelthestressseepingfrommyporesalready
ThehouselooksthesameinsidewhenIenter.There’sacozycouchandtwochairsfacingthewindows.Afireplaceand televisionaremountedonthewalltotheside,takingsecondplacetothemountainpeaksperchedlikeaphotographthroughthe double-panedglass.Thekitchenisattachedtothelivingroomandhasbeenremodeledandupdatedalongtheway.Andthere’s adiningtabletocompletetheopenconceptspace.
Idropmybagsinthemasterbedroomsincemyparentsaren’tcomingthistime,claimingthespacewiththeattachedbathroom. It’soddlyquiet,beinginthishousealone.It’sevenstrangertoignoremyphone.
Mycellhasbecomeanextraappendageovertheyears.Iturneditoffonthedriveup,knowingIwasboundtogetcallsfrom nursesonthesurgicalfloorsandinthehospitalsbecauseI’msurewordhasn’tspreadthatIamnolongerworkingthere.Let Dr Cooperdealwithitall Lethimrememberwhatit’slikeformetobegone Then,maybehe’llappreciateeverythingIdid forhispracticedaily.WhenIdon’trespond,coworkerswillprobablythinkI’mjustonvacationforthenextcoupleofweeks. MostofmyworkfriendsknewIwasplanningtocomeuphereanyway Theyjustdidn’trealizemytwo-weekvacationwould turnintoapermanentone.NeitherdidI.
Iunpacksomeofmythings,leavingotheritemsinmysuitcases Ipullahoodieoverhead Then,Igrabthekeysandlockthe placeup,bypassingmySUVforashortwalkintothesquare,wheretheshopsarelocated.Itfeelsgoodtostretchmylegafter thelongdrive Rightoffthemainareaisagrocerystore,whereIcanbuysomefood I’msureI’lleatoutmostofthetimeI’m here,butIstillneedsomeessentialsforthehouse.
I’minsidethegrocerystore,perusingboxesofcerealwhenIhearasquealtomyright “Willow!Isthatyou?”
IglanceovertoseeChelseaSimpsonpushingashoppingcartdowntheaisle,herlongdirty-blondehairswingingdownher back.Herfamilyusuallyvisitsaroundthesametimeasmine.Theyrentahouseonthesamestreet.She’sinherearlythirties, too,andwe’vebeenfriendlyinthepast,thoughwedon’tknoweachotherwell Butourfamilieshaddinnertogetheronceor twicebeforeintownduringourpreviousstays.
“Hi,”Isaywithasmile.IwonderifshecanseetheweightoftheworldonmyshouldersorifI’mhidingitwell. Wehug,andshepushesastrandofhighlightedhairbehindherear “Whendidyougetintotown?” Iglanceatthetimeonmyphone.“Aboutthirtyminutesago.Whataboutyou?” “We’vebeenheresincetheweekend.”
Iselectaboxofcerealandplaceitinmybasket.“Howlongareyoustayingthisyear?” “Acoupleofweeks.You?”sheasks. “Alittlelongerthanthat,”Ianswer “Luckyduck.”Shesmirks.
Wewalktwomoreaislestogether,gatheringitemswhilemakingsmalltalk,beforeweheadtothecheckout “Whatareyoudoingtonight?”Chelseaasksasthewomanbehindtheregisterscansherthings “Youwouldn’twanttograb dinner,wouldyou?”Shefurrowsherbrows.“Ibetyou’respendingtheeveningwithyourparents.”
MosttimesinthepastwhenChelseahasaskedmetogooutforanightonthetownwithher,I’vepolitelydeclined.Itypically spendallmytimewithmyparentswhenonthesevacationsbecauseIdon’tseethemaloteventhoughweliveinthesamecity. Buttheyaren’tafactorrightnow.Andspendingthenightaloneinthecabin,runningthroughmycircumstancesendlessly, soundslikeapooralternative
“Myparentscouldn’tmakeitthistime,”Isay,explainingaboutmydad’semergencysurgery.“So,yes,I’dloveto.”
HersmilewidensafterIreassureherthatmydadisdoingwell.“Awesome!Let’sgotoCowboys,”shesuggests,mentioninga popularbarandgrillintown.
“Thatsoundsperfect,”Iagree.Icoulduseadrink…orten.
ChelseawaitsuntilI’vepaidformygroceriesandthengivesmearidebacktothecabinsoIdon’thavetolugeverything home.Ispendthenextcoupleofhourssettlinginandgettingreadyforthenight,andwemeetoutsideofmyplacearoundseven.
Ipullmysweateraroundmybodytowardoffthechillintheairaswestartwalking ThisisoneofthethingsIlovemostabout comingtoSullivan’sWay.Wecanwalkeverywhere.Thesquareisonlyacoupleofblocksaway.
“You’resavingme,”Chelseasaysdramatically,leaninghershoulderintominewhenweturnthecorner “Idesperatelyneeda drink!Andanightawayfrommyparents!”
Ilaugh “Aretheydrivingyoucrazy?”
“Yes!”sheexclaims.“MymomstilltreatsmelikeI’mtwelve.”
“Mymomdoestoo,”Icomment,knowingexactlywhatshemeans.
Theparent-childrelationshipneverseemstofade,notevenwithage Wecatchuponourlivesaswewalk.Chelseaisadentalhygienist.Sheisn’tmarried,butshejuststartedseeingsomeoneback home Itdoesn’tsoundseriousthough,especiallywhenIseehercheckingoutafewguysonthewaytothepub Westepfromtheconcretecurbontothewoodendeckingthatbordersallthebusinesses.
Thesquareisfourblocksthatjointohousevariousshopsandrestaurants.Thereareatleastthreecoffeehousesandtwoice creamplacesscatteredaround.MoreeateriesthanIcanname.AndtheCowboysbar,wherewe’reheaded,takesupthemiddle thirdofoneblock
Ithasanoldsaloonfeeltoitontheoutsidewithwoodensiding.Thedoubledoorsareproppedopenwhenwearrive,lettingin freshair Theballsfrompooltablesclackaspeopleplayintheback There’salargemahoganybarinthemiddleofthespace andadozenorsohigh-toptablesspreadoutinfrontofit.Severalflatscreenslinethewallswithdifferentsportingeventsand arodeoonthem.
ChelseaandIstepuptoahostessstand.
Ashortblondewomaninajeanskirt,alow-cutandtight-fittingtop,andcowboybootsgreetsuswithasmile “Two?”she asks.
Inod
“Followme,”shesays,leadingthewaytoatableinthemiddle.Sheplacesamenudowninfrontofeachbarstool.“Jessica willbeyourservertonight”
“Thankyou,”Isayassheleaves.
“Whatarewedrinking?”Chelseaasks,scanningthemenu.
“Let’sstartthisnightoffright,”Isuggest,summoningsomeenthusiasmandsmackingthetabletopwithmypalms Forthe secondtimesinceIleftJeff’soffice,Icanfeelthetensionleavingmyshoulders.
IaskfortwoFireballshotswhenthewaitressarrivesandavodkatonic “IknewIlikedyou.”Chelseawinksafterplacingherdrinkorder.
Eventhoughwe’veknowneachotherinpassingforyears,thisisthefirsttimesheandIhavehungoutalonelikethis Everythingbetweenushasbeensurfacelevelupuntilnow.Butsomethingaboutthatcomfortsmeaswell.Chelseaknows nothingaboutmyworkdramaormyrelationshipwithDr Cooper Icanbeinvisiblehereandreallyleaveitallbehindtonight Icanletloosewithoutjudgmentandpryingeyesfollowingmyeverymove.
Afterthewaitressdropsoffourdrinks,ourglassesmeetinthemiddle,clinkingtogetheraswetoast “Toagreatnight!”Chelseadeclares.
“Andtonewbeginnings,”Iadd.
Thealcoholtravelsdownmythroatinatrailoffire,butIemptytheshotglassinoneswallow Then,Ichasethebittertaste withthesweetflavoroftonicwater,combinedwithTito’s.
Weorderaplateofloadedfriesandsliderstosplitinsteadofmeals AndastheFireballstartstowarmmybelly,thenight beginstohumwithpossibility.
“Damn ”Chelseamurmurs,drawingthewordoutdramatically “What?”Iask,swivelingmyheadtofollowhereyes.
Itrackhergazetothebackoftheroom,wherethreeguysareplayingpool Myeyesimmediatelylandonamanstanding againstthewallwithacuesticklooselygrippedinhishand.Hehasdarkbrownhairpeekingoutfrombeneathanolive-green beanie He’swearingjeansandaT-shirtthathugshisbroadshouldersandnarrowwaist Hisfootisproppedagainstthewall inacasuallean,andhe’slaughing.Iadmirethewayitlightsuphishandsomeface.Andwithaquickglancearoundtheroom,I realizeI’mnottheonlywomannoticinghim
IstareathimforamomenttoolongandgetcaughtwhenIdon’tpullawayfastenough.Oureyesconnectandhold.Hislaughter dies,andhissmilefalls,butnotcompletely Hislipslandinasexysmirk Icanfeelhiscuriosityandinterest Ihopeit’s interest fromacrosstheroom.
Oneofhisbuddiessmackshisshoulder,andourconnectionissevered Ireluctantlyturnaround,enviousthatChelseahasthe betterview.
“Youwanttomeetthem?”Chelseaaskseagerly
“Doyouknowthem?”Iask,attemptingnonchalanceandlikelyfailingmiserablywhenIseeChelsea’sknowinggrin.
Shenodsslowly.“I’vehungoutwithWyattandZaneonceortwicebefore.Ican’tremembertheotherguy’sname…” “Aretheyjustvisiting,likeus?”Iask.
“No,they’relocals.Theygiveskiingandsnowboardinglessonsinthewinter.Tobehonest,Idon’tknowwhattheydotherest ofthetime”
IsuddenlywishIhadn’tsequesteredmyselfinsidewithmyfamilyalltheseyears.Notifguysthishothavebeenhereallalong, coloringSullivan’sWaywithpossibilities.
Ileavemysweateronthebackofmychairandtherestofourbelongingsinplaceaswetakeourmixeddrinksandmakeour wayacrossthebroad-plankedwoodfloors There’saswarmofbutterfliesinmystomachasweapproachthestrangers,butit’s anexcitednervousness.It’sfunnyhowevenagedoesn’teliminatetheexhilarationofmeetinganattractivemanwhoyoudon’t knowforthefirsttime.Eveninmythirties,it’sequallyterrifyingandthrillingasweapproach,justlikewhenIwasateenager.
“Hey,”Chelseasays,walkingrightuptothepooltable. “Chelsea,”oneofthemdrawls,“backintown?”
“Yep.Gotherethisweekend,”shereplies.
I’mwatchingtheexchangebetweenChelseaandthisguy,butIcanfeelthegazeofhisfriendstudyingthesideofmyface.It’s thestrangerwhooriginallycaughtmyeye.Hehasn’tmovedfromhisrelaxedpositionagainstthewall.
“Who’syourfriend?”theotherguyasksChelsea
“ThisisWillow,”sheintroducesme
“Hi.”Ismile.
Heleansforwardwithhishandextended,balancingonthepoolcueasifitwereacane “Wyatt”
Islidemypalmagainsthis,andhisfingerscollapsearoundmine.Hesqueezessoftly,hisbrowneyesshiningwithmischiefand interest,allatonce
“WillowandWyatt,”hemurmurswithawink.“Soundslikeaperfectmatch.”
Thethirdguywithshaggyblondhairandhazeleyessnorts “Subtle,Wyatt Andtobefair,itsoundsmorelikeabadsitcom” Isnicker,evenasWyattholdsmyhandcaptive Myeyesshoottohis,andhesmirks,flirtingwithme Finally,hereleaseshis hold.
Ishiftmygazetotheblondstandingnexttohim.“Nicetomeetyou…”Itrailoffwithaquestionmarkattheend. “Benji,”thethirdguysupplies.
“Nicetomeetyou,Benji”
“AndthismuteagainstthewallisZane,”Wyattquips,pointingathumboverhisshoulder.
Myeyesfinallydrifttotheplacethey’velongedtolandthisentiretime. Zane.He’sevenhotterupclose.Hishairisthick beneaththebeanieandashadedarkerthanWyatt’smilk-chocolatebrown.Hiseyesareblue navyblue buttheyalmostlook blackfromafewstepsaway Hisgazeisintenseashestudiesme,butconfidenceoozesfromhissilence He’snotsmiling,but heisn’tfrowningeither.I’mnotsureifhe’splayingitcoolorjustuninterested.Buthisstoicismpiquesmyinterestevenmore. Whatisitaboutthechasethatisalwayssoappealing?Attainingtheunattainable.
“Hedoesn’thavetotalk,”Benjisupplies,leaningdowntolineuphisnextshot.“Lookatthatprettyface.Hecouldhavethe personalityofawetmop,andthewomenwouldstillflocktohim”
“Hedoeshavethepersonalityofawetmop,”Wyattchimesin BenjismirksasZanerollshiseyesandflipsthembothoff.
“Hey,Zane,”Chelseapurrs
Hisdarkeyesshifttomyfriendandhold.I’munpreparedforthestingIfeelinthepitofmystomachashisattentionlandson her Thecompetitivenessthatstirsthere Theirrationalgreen-eyedmonsterinsideofmewantstoremindheroftheguyshe’s datingbackhome,butIholditin,knowingitwillonlymakemelookobviousandpetty.Chelsea’sinterestiswrittenallover herprettyface,confirmingBenji’sstatementthatZaneisindeedamagnetfortheoppositesex AndIwonderifChelseaand Zanehavehookedupbefore.
“Chelsea,”Zanerumbles Thedeeptimbreofhisvoiceticklesmyears “Areyourfolkshere?”
Shenods,gracinghimwithhermostradiantsmile.Itakealongswallowofmydrink,emptyingmostoftheglassinoneortwo gulps
Thewaitress Jessica arrives.ShelooksfromChelseatoZanetome,asmallfrownappearingonherfulllips.“I’vegot yourfoodready”
“Bringitoverhere,”Wyattsuggestswhilemotioningtoatableofftotheside.“Joinus.”HeshiftshisattentionfromChelseato me,liftinghiseyebrowsinquestion “Okay!”Chelseareadilyagrees.
Idon’tmissJessica’sfrownasitdeepensorhowherlight-blueeyeslingeronZane Iplacemydrinkdownonthetableandstarttowalkacrosstheroomtogathertherestofourthings Jessicafollowsme Isnag ourpursesandmysweaterwhiletheattractivewaitressgrabstheplatesoffood. “Thanks,”Itellhersincerely.
Shesmilesatme,butitdoesn’tquitemeethereyes. Whenwe’reallsetupatournewtable,Jessicaleaves ButnotbeforepausingtowhispersomethinginZane’sear Hewatches herwithoutrespondingasshedragsherhandacrosshischest.AndIfeelmyselfpayingmoreattentiontothetwoofthemthanI should
He’s a stranger, Iremindmyself. Just another guy. Besides, he seems full of himself. And she’s probably his girlfriend. Mymindsuddenlyshiftstohomeandalltheproblemsandfrustrationsthatarewaitingformethere,remindingmethatIdon’t needanyadditionalcomplications.NoteveniftheycomewrappedinaprettypackagelikeZane.Ifocusonthefoodinfrontof meandthegameofpooloccurringbetweenthethreeguyswejustmet
Jessicadoesn’treturntoourtable,butanotherserverdoes.Iorderabeerthistime.Thefoodisamazing,andtheguysare entertaining,thoughZaneisprovingtobeamanoffewwords.
“Ididn’trealizehowhungryIwas,”Iadmit,bitingintomysecondslider.
“Travelingwilldothattoyou,”Chelseasays
WyattlosestoBenji,andZanestepsup,finallyrelinquishinghisspotagainstthewalltoplaythenextgame.Benjiracksthe ballsintoatriangleshapeononeendofthegreen-felt-linedtable Wyattdragsanotherstoolupbesidemeandsetshismugof beeronourtable.
“Whatareweeating?”heasks,hiseyesperusingtheplateofcheesefriesinfrontofus “Helpyourself,”Isay,slidinganextraplateovertohim.
Heslapshispalmsandrubsthemtogetherafewtimeswhiledecidingwheretodivein.Hegrabsasizablehandfuloffriesand takeshisfirstbite,astringofcheesehangingacrosshislowerlipuntilhistonguewranglesitinsidehismouth. “Youhereonvacation?”hemumblesaroundhisfood.
Inod,dippingtheedgeofmysmallburgerinthepileofketchuponmyplate “Yep” “Forhowlong?”Wyattwashestheloadedfriesdownwithadrinkofbeer.
TheballsclanktomyleftasBenjibreaks,someofeachcolorfallingintothepocketsonthesidesandattheends “Solids,”BenjicallsouttoZane.
“Acoupleofweeks,”Ianswer,watchingBenji’snextshotoutofthecornerofmyeye.Zaneissomewherebehindme. “Wecangetintoalotoftroubleintwoweeks,Willow,”Wyattpromises
“We?”Iaskplayfully.
Benjimisses,andZanestepsuptothetable,leaningdowntotakehisfirstshot.Hebanksitintothesidepocket,lookingover atuswhenhe’sdone.
“We,”Wyattconfirms,glancingaroundthespace “Orareyoutravelingwithsomeoneelse?”
“Isthatyourwayofsubtlyaskingifshehasaboyfriend?”Chelseajokes,sippingonhersecondmixeddrinkofthenight “Noboyfriend,”Iconfirm,shovingthelastbiteofburgerintomymouth.Ichewforafewsecondsandswallowbefore speakingagain.“AndI’mflyingsolothistrip.Myparentsweresupposedtobehere,butmydadhademergencysurgerytwo daysago.”
Wyatt’sbrowfurrows “Isheokay?”
“He’sfine,”Isay,wavinghimoffwhileIliftthelongneckbottletomymouth.“Justnotgoodenoughtotravelrightnow.”
Henodsslowly,watchingme Hisbrowneyeshaveagoldenglowtothem “Theirlossisourgain”
Thealcoholstartstocolormysensesandemboldensme.“Isthatright?”Itfeelsgoodtoflirtwithsomeonemyownageright now Ican’trememberthelasttimeIdidit Mytimehasbeenfilledwithworkandsurgeonsandexhaustionforyearsnow And Wyattishot,too,inthatboy-next-doorkindofway.
“Uh-oh,”Chelseasaysteasingly,raisinghervoicetocaptureBenji’sandZane’sattention.“Yourboyislayingitonthickover here.”
ZaneisstillrunningthetableonBenji Heshiftsforwardtotakethenextshotrightinfrontofme,glancingoverhisshoulder Whenhiseyescapturemine,theworldstops.IforgetaboutWyattflirtingwithme.IforgetthatChelseaandBenjiarewatching us IforgetthatJessicamightbehisgirlfriendandeveryfemaleinhereseemsawareofhim I’mblindtoeverythingelseinthe barbesidesthoserichblueeyesonmeasiftheycastsomeweirdspell.
“Doyoumind?”heaskscoldly Iglancedownatthestickthat’spoisedbehindhim.
“Oh.”Iscowl,realizingI’minhisway.
Andjustlikethat,thespellisbroken.Mymomentaryinfatuationshiftstoembarrassmentandthenirritation.Ifeelespecially foolish,knowingI’msoaffectedbyhimwhileheobviouslycouldn’tcarelessaboutme.
“Excusethehelloutofme”
WyattchucklesatmysideasIscootmystoolclosertohimandoutofZane’sway.Wyattdrapesaconciliatoryarmacrossmy shoulders “Don’tmindhim He’sagrumpybastardtonight”
“Everynight,”Benjichimesin.
Zanehitsthecueballharderthannecessaryanddrillsanorange-stripedballintothecornerpocket “You’reexcused,”hesays arrogantlyashewalksaroundthetabletolineupthewinningshot,aiminghissharpwordslikeanarrowatmychestand ignoringhisfriends
Iscoffandrisefrommyseat,wonderingwhathisproblemisandwhatIdidtodeservehisire.ButasannoyedasIamathis saltyattitude,I’mequallyintriguedbyhissullennature,makingmewonderwhyI’msodamagedthatI’mdrawntopeopleI shouldavoid.Andwhenexactlythathappened.
“I’mgonnagrabanotherbeer”IsoftenmyexpressionwhenIglanceatChelseaandWyattandforcemyselftoforgetabout Zane.“Youguyswantanything?”
“I’mgood,”Chelseareplies
“Metoo,”Wyattagrees,shovinganotherhandfuloffriesintohismouth. IwalkovertotheedgeoftheU-shapedbarandleanagainstit,waitingforthebartender Theplaceisfillingupwithpeople
Thelateritgets,themoreitshiftsfromarestauranttoabaratmosphere.There’smusicoverhead.AWillieNelsonsongis playing
“WhatcanIgetyou?”Thehandsomemantendingbarleansbothpalmsagainstthemahoganysurfacewhilefacingme.There’s atoweldrapedacrosshisshoulderandaneatlytrimmedbeardacrosshisjaw IsmileathimandopenmymouthtoanswerjustasZanestepsupbesideme.
“GetheranIPA,”hecommandsbeforeIspeak,notglancingatme.
“That’snotwhatIwant,”Iprotest,scowling.
Thebartendersmirkswhilewatchingourexchange.Hewaitswithanamusedtwinkleinhiseyes.
“Trustme,youdo,”Zaneinsistsarrogantly “Andmakethattwo,Ivan” “Yougotit,Zane,”hesays,rappinghisknucklestwiceonthebarsurfacebeforewalkingawaytofilltheorder.
Ifacethebeast,glaringathim.“WhatIwasdrinkingwasjustfine.”Inodtowardtheemptybottleofdomesticbeerrestingin frontofme.
“Youshouldn’tbesatisfiedwithfine,”heinsists,swivelinghisheadtoconnectoureyes. Aboltofelectricityzipsdownmyspine,andIshoveitawayangrily “Youshouldwantthebest,notsettleforsomegenericknockoff.Thebeeryouweredrinkingisshit.”
“Ididn’taskforyouropinion”
Hesmirks,andIhatethewayitmakesmystomachsomersault.
“Maybenot…butyougotit.”
Ivansetstwoglassesoffrostybeerinfrontofus
“You’rewelcome,”Zanesaystome.“Putitonmytab,”heordersIvan,notglancingatmeagainasheliftshisglassandleaves mestandingatthebaralone,wantingmoreofhissurlyass “Asshole,”Imurmurundermybreath.
Ivanlaughs,watchingasIliftthethickglassandtakeasipoftheale It’ssmoothandrichandaboutamilliontimesbetterthan thedomesticbeerIwasjustdrinking.Igroanirritablybeforetakinganotherdrink.
“It’sgood,isn’tit?”Ivansays,loweringhisvoiceandleaningincloser.There’sahintofamusementinhistoneandhisgaze. Inarrowmyeyesathim,refusingtoagreeoutloud.Afterall,hewasconsortingwiththeenemyafewsecondsago.
“Don’tworry.”Ivanchuckles.“Iwon’ttellhimyoulikeit.”Then,hewinksatmeandmovesdownthebartohandlethenext customer
IliftthebeerandspinonmyheeltowalkbacktomytablebutfreezewhenJessicastepsinfrontofme.Asmallsplashofale escapesovertherimoftheglasswhenIstopshort.
Jessica’sgorgeouswithherlong,straighthair,thecolorofwhitesilk.Hereyesareabluecolorsolightthattheyalmostlook translucent,buttheyspitfirefromafewshortinchesaway
“He’snotinterestedinyou,”shespews,anyfriendlyfacadefromearliercompletelymissingnow.
“Who?”Iask,knowingexactlywhoshe’stalkingaboutbutrefusingtoplayhergame “Ivan?”
Sherollshereyes,notfallingformylittleact.“Zane.”
It’sonthetipofmytonguetoaskifshe’shisgirlfriend,butIholditinside “I’m notinterestedinhim,”Ilieinstead
“Everyone’sinterestedinhim,”shecountersknowingly,leaningcloser.Shepauses,hereyesshiftingbetweenbothofminein warning “Especiallyallyougroupiesfromoutoftown”Then,sheabruptlywalksaway Iwatchherleavewithmyeyebrowslifted,surprisedbytheboldconfrontation.IseeZaneacrosstheroom,bringinghisdrink tohismouthandwatchingmewhilehewaitsforhisturnatthepooltable Irollmyeyes,andIthinkIseethecornerofhis mouthquirk,butIblink,andit’sgoneinthenextsecond,hisexpressionwipedclean.
Westayforanotherhour Ihavetwomorebeers,thealegoingdownsmoothly,andhaveonemoreshotofwhiskeyatWyatt’s promptingbeforeIcannolongerkeepmyeyelidsopen.
“I’mgonnago,”IannouncetoChelsea
Shefrowns,obviouslynotreadyforthenighttoendyet.
“Stay,”Itellher.“Havefun.I’mjustexhaustedfromthedrive.” And from everything else that’s happened during the past few days
“Youleaving?”Wyattasks,steppingupbesideme.
Inodandslideonearmintomychunkysweaterandthentheother Hestraightensthematerialacrossmyshoulders,brushing myhairtothesideandgrippingmyneck.Foramoment,Ithinkhemightkissme,buthejustsmilesanddropshishandafter givingmeabriefsqueeze
“AfewofusaregoinguptoMooseFallstomorrowtoswim.Yougame?”heasks.
“MooseFalls?”Ihaven’theardofitbefore
“It’sahiddengem,”hesayswithawink.“Letthelocalsshowyouaround.We’llintroduceyoutoallthebestplaces.” “Okay,”Isaywithanod.
IgiveWyattmynumber,andhesendsmeatextsoIhavehistoo.Hehugsme,holdingonforabeatlongerthannecessary.But thealcoholhasmeinafog,andI’mcravingthewarmthofasolidbody,soIclingtohimjustashard.Hedoeskissmethis time,brushinghislipsacrossmycheek,eversoclosetotheedgeofmymouth,beforereleasingme.Benjihugsmenextina friendly,moredetachedembrace
“Thanksforafunnight,”Isay,glancingaround.
Zanehasdisappeared.
“Zane’sinthebathroom,”Benjisayslikehecanreadmymind “Oh,”Ianswer,forgettingtopretendlikeIdon’tcare.Myfilterisgone.Alcoholhastakencontrolofmysensesbythispoint. “Well,tellhimIsaidbye”
Idon’tknowwhyIsaidthat.ZaneandIhaven’tspokenmorethanafewirritatingwordstoeachother.It’snotlikewe’re friendsorevenacquaintances
“Willdo,”Benjipromises,movingbacktothepooltable.“Seeyoutomorrow.”
IsaygoodbyetoChelseaandweavethroughthecrowdtowardthefrontentrance.TheairiscoldwhenIstepoutside,andthe skyisblackasIwalkawayfromthelightsofthesquare,thenoiseofthebarfadingbehindme.Thereareamillionstars twinklinginthesky Istoptoadmirethemforafewsecondsbeforemovingagain I’mjustturningthecornerwhenIhear someonequicklyapproachingfrombehind.
IspinandplaceahandonmychestasmyheartratesoarswhenIseeZane “Youscaredtheshitoutofme!”
Hishandsomefaceisirritatedwhenhestopsinfrontofme.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iask.
“I’mleaving,”hethrowsbackatme “Sameasyou Andyoushouldn’twalkhomealone,especiallywhenyou’reinastrange town.”
There’sanaccusingnotetohistonethatpissesmeoff I’mnotachild “I’mtired.NotthatIneedtoexplainmyselftoyou.”
Iturnagainandstartstompingoff,wonderingwhyhecaresinthefirstplace He’sbeensurlyatbestallnight Hefallsintostep besideme,hislonglegseasilykeepingstride.Myheartrateisstillelevated,butitisn’tbecauseI’mscared.
“Idon’tneedanescort,”Igrumble.Hefrustratesthehelloutofmewhenheremainsquietbutstaysrightbesideme,soIkeep
talking.“Whatareyouevendoingouthere?I’magrown-asswoman.Icangetmyselfhome. Alone. ”
MybrowfurrowswhenIhearhisdeepchuckle I’msurprisedandconfusedbythesound Surely,itcan’tbecomingfromhim “Ididn’trealizeyouknewhowtosmile,”Isay,noticingtheslighttilttohismouth. “I’mnotsmiling,”hecounters.“I’mlaughing.Atyou.”
“Doyoualwaysargueabouteverything?”
“No,”hesaysresolutely.Then,hechucklesagainwhenherealizeshejustprovedmypoint. Mylipquirksfromhislaughter,andIworkhardtokeepitsteady Idon’twanttofindhimcharmingorevenentertaining I don’tneedanotherprobleminmyliferightnow,notevenoneasattractiveashim.
Or maybe that’s exactly what you need “Areyoualwaysthisstubborn?”heaccuses.
Myirritationstartstodissolve.Icanseehimwatchingmefromthecornerofmyeye.
“Yes.”Ipauseforamomentandthenscrambletofallintostepbesidehimagain.“Doyoualwaysgivepeoplewhiplash?” “Probably,”hesays.
“Whyareyouwalkingmehome?”Iaskafterafewmomentsofsilence,genuinelycurious
“Becauseyou’redrunk.Andyou’reawoman,walkinghomealoneinastrangeplace.”
IstudyhisprofileasIslowtoaleisurelypacelikeIhaveallthetimeintheworld.Zane’sjustasgood-lookingfromtheside. Whatisitaboutattractivementhatmakeswomenmoretolerantofquestionablebehavior?It’sliketheycangetawaywith murderjustbyflashingthatarrogant,sexysmile
Thebriefinteractionwehadearlier,hewasgrumpyandirritable. Buthedidbuymeadrinkandheiswalkingmehomenow.
“Well,isn’tthisasurprise?”Iknockmyshoulderintohim.“Don’tworry,”Imurmurlikeit’sasecret.“Iwon’ttellanyone you’reagentlemanbeneaththeroughsurface.Wouldn’twanttoruinthatassholepersonayouhavegoingforyou.Seemstobea hitwithalltheladies”IcringewhenIletthatlastsentenceslipout
“Yeah,I’mbeatingwomenoffwithasticktonight,”hesaysdryly “Allbutone”Hemumblesthatlastpart
Thepebblescrunchbeneathourfeetaswewalk.
“YouandWyattseemedtobehittingitoff,”headds Iwatchhimforafewsteps,wonderingifthat’sjealousyIhearinhistone.Surelynot.Hebarelyglancedinmydirection tonight Buthe’shidinghistrueintentbehindastonemask IdecidetomesswithhimalittletoseeifIcancrackanotherpiece ofhisexterior.
“Icangiveyousomepointersifyouwant Thingstomakeyoumoresuccessfulwiththeladies Trysmilingonceinawhile Maybecrackajoke,or,hey…juststandthereandlookpretty.”Ismirk,proudofmyselfforhijackingBenji’searlier descriptionofhisfriend
Hesighs,butitsoundssuspiciouslylikehumor.“Areyoualwaysthisdifficult?”
“Youhavenoidea,”Isay.
Ismilewhenhelaughsoutloud,therumbledeepinsidehischest.Ilikethewayitsounds.Mydefenseslowerjustabitmore. We’requietforafullblockwhilewecontinuetowalk.It’sacomfortablesilence,thoughI’mveryawareofhimnexttome.I havetoadmit,I’mgladhe’swalkingmehome Ifeelsafewithhimbymyside
I wonder what Jessica would say if she saw Zane here with me now. Or Chelsea for that matter. Zanehasmecompletelyoff-balance ButIkindoflikethewayitfeels
Irollacrossastoneandlosemyfooting,mybalancewaveringuntilZanegrabsmyarm.Myhandsgotohischestforsupport, butIfreezewhenhiswarmthseepsthroughhisshirtandintomypalms We’restandingsoclose Myheadtiltsupinslow motionasmyeyesfollowthesamepath,tracingtheblackfabric,travelingalonghiscordedneckandacrosshischiseledjaw. Hisbreathskatesovermyskinasoureyesconnect.Andsuddenly,I’mdrowningindarkbluedepths. Asthemomentextends,thenearnessofhimcomfortsmeinawayIdidn’trealizeIdesperatelyneeded.Andmyemotionsbegin torushtothesurface,hittingmelikeapunchtothegut Deep-seatedscarsareleakingfrommyskinlikepoisonastheenormity ofmysituationfinallyhitsme.Myjob.MyrelationshipwithRon.ThemistakesI’vemaderecently.Theuncertaintyofmy future.Andit’sallmagnifiedbythealcoholfloodingmysystem.Myeyesfillwithtears.I’mnotacrierbynature,butI’m helplesstostopthestreamslippingovermybottomlidsastheyslidedownmycheeks.Icovermyface,awareenoughtoknow
I’macompletemessrightnow.
“I’msorry,”Iwhisper,unsurewhatitisI’mapologizingfor “Forwhat?”hemurmurs,pushingasidemyhandsandwipingatearfrommycheekwithhisfinger.
Ishrugandstarttopullaway,buthetightenshisgriponmyarmanddoesn’tallowmetohide.He’sthisstrangerwalkingme home,butIfeellikehecanseerightthroughme.Ifocusonanythingotherthanhisintensegaze.Hisotherhandfallstomy waist Igasp,andhisattentiondriftstomymouth
“Areyougoingtokissme?”Iaskbreathlesslywhenthemomentlingers,alongwithhiseyesonmylips.Anythingthatpopsinto mymindseemstotumbleoutofmymouth
“Doyouwantmeto?”heasks.
“YouknowIdo,”Iwhisperhonestly.
Onesideofhismouthlifts “Now,howwouldIknowthat?”
Isigh,feelingthewearinessdowndeepinsidemybonesandsuccumbingtothealcoholasitactslikeatruthseruminundating mysystem “Because allthegirlswantyou”IstealthewordsofJessicathistime,thewomanwhomightormightnotbehis girlfriend.
Hechuckles “Isthatright?”Hedriftscloser “Youknowitis.”
Howdoeshegetbeneathmyskinthewayhedoes?I’mactingonpureinstinctwhenIlifttomytoesandmeethimhalfway acrossthespacethatseparatesus.
Andthenwekiss I’mnotsureifheinitiateditorifIdid,butIdon’tthinkIcareeitherway It’sgentleatfirstandtentative Ithinkhe’sgivingmetheopportunitytopushhimawayifIdon’twantthis,butI’venever wantedanythingmore.Idon’tknowifit’smyunstableemotionalstate,orthedrinkscoursingthroughmyveins,or…what.But it’sobvioushowmuchIwanthimasI’mtugginghimcloser.Hesmellslikepineneedlesandsometypeofspicycologne.
“YoutastelikeIPA,”Iobservewhenwepullapartforabreath. Hesmirks,andIlikethesightsomuchthatImimichim
“YouknowyoulikedthatbeereventhoughI’msureyou’llneveradmitit.”Hepausesforabeat,searchingmyface.His expressionfallsuntilheisn’tsmilinganymore Hejuststandsthere,studyingmelikeI’manenigma “Wherethefuckdidyou comefrom,Lo?”
“Thecity,”Isay,mysluggishbraintakinghisrhetoricalquestionliterally Amomentlater,Iregisterwhathejustcalledme “Lo?”
“That’swhatI’mgoingtocallyou Lo”
EveryoneelsealwayscallsmeWilloworWill.NeverLo.Ilikethenickname.IloveitevenmoresinceZanegaveittome because,now,it’sasecretweshare Afamiliarity “Lo.”Inod,agreeabletoalmostanything.
Hekissesmeagain,deeperthistime,andImemorizethewayitfeelstobewrappedaroundhim.It’srecklessandwildand spontaneous threethingsIhaven’tbeeninaverylongtime.Butatthesametime,thisallfeelsverynatural.
Thesoundoftiresongravelpullsusapartjustbeforetheheadlightsofavehiclesweepacrossourembracedbodiesandthe road.Zane’sfingersdriftdownmyarmuntilthey’reslidingthroughmine,connectingourhands.Myskintingleswherehe’s touchingme,provingyou’renevertoooldtoenjoyagoodhandholdingwithamanyoumightlike Ifeellikeakidagainaswe startwalking,ourarmsgentlyswayingbetweenourbodies.Theproblemsofmyworldmeltawaywiththetouchofhishand. “Ithoughtyoudidn’tlikeme,”Iadmit “Ihaven’tdecidedifIlikeyouornotyet,”hemurmurs. Ican’ttellifhe’skiddingorserious.“Doyougoaroundkissingwomenyoudon’tlike?” Hehums,butdoesn’tanswer,makingmewonderifmaybehedoes I’veheardofhatesex,somaybethere’shatekissingtoo Wewalkthefinaltwoblockstomyhouse,stayingquiettherestoftheway.IhaveasoftsmileonmyfaceandthetasteofZane onmylips Thetearsonmycheekshavedried Myheadismuddledbyalcoholshotsandmixeddrinksandbeer,alongwith thoughtsofthemysteriousmanshadowingme.Butit’sbetterthanswimminginthepast,likeIwasearlier.Zanehasthemagic tomakeallthebaddisappear Ifeellighter atleastforrightnow
“Beerbeforeliquor,neversicker,”Imumbledrunkenly,tryingtothinkofthesaying. IcanfeelZanesmilebesideme “Liquorbeforebeer,you’reintheclear”Hechucklesafterfinishingmythought MyheadturnssoIcanseehim.StoicZaneisattractive.AmusedZaneisoff-the-chartshot. Havinghisattentiononmeislikebeinginthedarkformyentirelifeandsuddenlyhavingaspotlightshiningonme. “Youshouldsmilemore,”Isay.“Itlooksgoodonyou.” “Yeah?”
Inod
“Maybe,lately,I’vejustneededareasonto,”hesayscryptically.
Wewalkupthestairstomyfrontporchandfaceeachother Zanepushesmyhairbehindmyshoulder Forsuchasurly,hard man,he’ssurprisinglygentle. “Youtotallylikeme,”Imurmur.
“Ido,huh?”Hebacksawayasteportwo.“Iguesswe’llsee,now,won’twe?”
Wesaygoodnight,andIunlockthedoor.ZanewatchesuntilI’mtuckedinsidethehousebeforedisappearingintothedarkness. Itdidn’tdawnonmetoaskhiminside AndIdon’twonderhowhereallyendedupwalkingmehomeinthefirstplace at leastnotuntilI’mthinkingmoreclearlythenextmorning.ButIdogotosleepthatnightinmyrentedcabininthequietmountain townwithasmileonmyfaceandthetasteofIPAbeerandZaneonmytongue Itisn’tinstantlove.
Butit’sdefinitelyinstantattraction
CHAPTERTHREE WILLOW Myphonechimes,startlingmeawake.Iimmediatelyreachforitonthebedsidetable,mymindtravelingtoworkandsurgical patientsandresponsibilities Dr Cooper I’mconfusedatfirstwhenIseeamessagefromanunknownnumber Ittakesmea momenttorealizeit’sfromWyatt.Ineverprogrammedhisnameintomyphonelastnight.
UnknownNumber:Swimming.MooseFalls.Bereadyinanhour.Wearthesmallestbikiniyouown. Ilaugh,glancingaroundtheroomasmyheadfinallyregisterswhereIam.Theclockreadstwelvethirtyp.m.,andI’m surprised Ineversleepthislate Butit’ssoquiethereandsopeaceful Thesoundsofthecityaremissing Thefranticpaceof myjobisintherearviewmirror.Idon’thavetoplanorrusharound.Theentiredayspreadsoutbeforemewithaneasy freedomI’munusedto I’mstartingtofeelrelaxed,thoughlackofaschedulemostlymakesmefeeluneasy AfterprogrammingWyatt’snameintomycell,Istretchmyarmsoverheadandlazilyuntanglemylegsfromthebedsheets.I ventureintothebathroomandcringeatmyreflection Myhairisamess,myeyesarebloodshot,andthere’sapoundinginmy forehead.Iwashthemakeupfromlastnightoffmyfaceandtaketwoibuprofens.
Ascenesuddenlyflashesthroughmyhead Zane.
Walking home.
Us kissing
I’mfrozenwhilestaringatmyreflectioninthemirror.Myfingertipgrazesmybottomlip.
MemoriesfromlastnightappearlikeagrainypictureshowasIsmile Then,Igroan,wonderingifIsaidsomethingto embarrassmyself.Myfilterwasmissingformostofthenight.AddinallthealcoholIdrank,andIcan’tremembereverythingI saidordid Idoremembercryingonthewalkhome AndI’msureZaneandIwouldn’thavesharedakissifwehadn’tbeen drinkingtheentirenight.
Ishakeofftheembarrassmentandkeepgettingready Ipullonayellowstringbikiniandthrowonawide-neckedsweatshirt andjeanshortsoveritwhileponderingwhowillbetheretoday.Ipullmyhairintoamessybun,notbotheringtostraightenmy wavylocks It’sjustgoingtogetwetanyway Ileavemyfacebare,usingatintedmoisturizer,andcoatmylipsintinted ChapStick.
Ieataneverythingbagelwithcreamcheeseandthenbrushmyteethtwicetoremovetheonionandgarlicsmellfrommybreath. Anhourlater,I’mpeeringoutthewindowwithalargepurse morelikeasmallbag thrownovermyshoulder Aloaded maroon4Runnerpullsintothedriveway.IseeZanebehindthewheel,andmyheartskipsabeat.Iwould’vebeendisappointed ifhehadn’tcometoday
WyattjumpsoutofthefrontpassengerseatandjogsuptomyporchasI’mlockingthedoorbehindme. “Ready?”heasks.Hiseyesgrowhungryashelooksatme.Heslidesafingerbeneaththeyellowstrapofmyswimsuit,where ittravelsacrossmycollarbone.“Iseeyoulistenedtomyinstructions.”Hesnapsthenylonmaterialagainstmyskinwitha smirk,liftingtheedgeofmysweatshirtattheneckandpretendingtopeerbeneathit “Don’tpushit,”Iwarnteasingly.
Iswathishandawaywithalaugh,thoughI’mnotoffended.Wyattfeelsharmless,likesomeoneI’veknownforalongtime eventhoughweonlymetlastnight I’mbettingthathe’stheforevertypeoffriend,thoughfromtheheatinhiseyes,Ithinkhe mightliketobemore.
IfollowWyatttotheSUVandinsistonridinginthebackwhenheoffersthefrontpassengerseattome Benjiisalreadyback there,sittingbehindZane,andChelseaisinthemiddle.
“Hi!”myneighborsqueals,huggingmehello Ireturnthegesture,squeezingherback.Myeyesshifttotherearviewmirror,whereIcanfeelZanewatchingme.Thereareat leastadozenbutterfliesswarmingmystomach,andIhavenoideahowtoactaroundhimrightnow “Ready?”heasksasIpulltheseatbeltacrossmylap.
Hisnavy-blueeyesshiftbetweenChelsea,Benji,andme,andIstilldon’tknowhowtofeelwhenIanswer,“Yes.”
IshiftmygazeoutthewindowasZaneturnstheradioup Radioheadblaresfromthespeakers
“It’saforty-five-minutetriptoMooseFalls,”Wyattyellsoverthemusic,twistinginhisseatuntilhecanseeme.“It’sthislittle pull-offjustinsidethenationalpark’ssouthentrance”
Inod.I’mexcited.Ihavethewholedayinfrontofme.Nostress.Nocommitments.Ican’trememberthelastdayIhadoff,let aloneanentiretwo-weekstretch Overtwoweeksreally MaybelongerthanthatifIdon’thaveajobtogobackto Asurgeof uneasinesscrampsmystomachatthatthought,butIshoveitawayquicklyandfocusonoursurroundings.
IchewonmylipasIlistentothemusiccrooningthroughthespeakersandwatchthelandscapepassbyoutsideofthewindow It’sacleardaywithoutacloudinthesky.Thesunisshining,andthegrassisarichgreencolor.Weflybypasturesand ranches Themountainstoweroverhead,andIcanseetherockydetailsofthepeaksinthedaylight They’velostmostofthe snowatthispointintheseason,butthere’sstillalayerofwhiteattheverytop.Theviewisbreathtaking,andIwonderifI wouldstarttotakeitforgrantedifIlivedhereallyearlong.Idoubtit.
Thedrivepassesquicklywithsceneryoccupyingmymind.Themusicoverpowersanyconversation,butit’saneasysilence withthefiveofusinclosequarters,whichissurprising,consideringwe’revirtualstrangers OratleastIam Weparkinapull-offrightbesidethemainhighway.There’sanunmarkedpathtoourrightthat’srockyandframedbylarge pinetrees.We’retheonlyvehicleinthelotrightnow.
Theguysgrabacoolerfulloffoodanddrinksfromtheback,andChelseaandIcarrysomebagswithmoresupplies.Ifollow themdownthepath,myeyesonthegroundsincetheterrainisrockyanduneven Thetreesclear,andtheviewopensbefore me.Ipausetoseeabridgethatcarriesthehighwayovertheriverthat’sflowingbeneathit.Irealizewejustdroveoverthat bridge.
Ifollowtheotherstotheleft,andthenoiseofrunningwatergrowslouder.Thewalkwayisnarrowandsteepanddownhill.I stopatthebottomastheguysfindalevelspaceforthecoolers.There’sawaterfallinfrontofmethatIneverknewexisted eventhoughit’sjuststepsfromthemainroad ThemisthitsmeinthefaceasIstandthere,watchingitcascadeovertheedge Thesoundofwaterrushingoverrocksissoothing.Iclosemyeyesforamomentandjustlisten,takingdeepbreathsofthepinescentedair
“Yougood?”Benjiasks,removingthebagsfrommyarms.
He’ssmilingwhenIopenmyeyes,andIreturntheexpression
“I’mbetterthangood,”Isayhonestly
“Comeon,”hesays,noddingtotheleft.
“Youwantabeer?”Wyattasksmeasweapproach,extendinghishandwithanunopenedcaninit
Apieceoficeslidesdown theexterior.
Ishakemyhead “Notyet”
Zanesmirksbehindhim,andItiltmyheadwithasoftsmile,wonderingifhe’ssubtlyteasingmefordrinkingtoomuchlast night
Wyattshrugsandopensthecanforhimself,takingalongpull.“They’reinthecooleranytimeyou’reready.”
“Thanks,”Isay.Iglancebackattheriver.Theairischilly.Ishiverwhileimaginingtheicy-coldtemperatureofthewater.“It mightbetoocoldformetoswim.”Admittingthismakesmefeellikeacitywimp.
Zanesmilesknowingly.“It’sahotspring.”
“What?”Iask
“Anaturalspring,”Wyattrepeats.
“Thewaterisheated,”Benjiadds.
MyeyeswidenwithexcitementbeforeIcantempermyreaction.
Everyonestartstostripdown.IwatchZanefromthecornerofmyeyewhilepretendingnotto.Hewhipsoffhisshirt,revealing inchesofdelicious,tonedskin
IleavetheTevasstrappedtomyfeetandslipoffmyoversizesweatshirtinonesmoothmotion.MygazeisonthegroundasI unbuttonandunzipmyjeanshorts.Icanfeeleyesonmeasthematerialslidesdownmylegs,revealingoneinchofskinata time.Ihaven’tfeltthisexposedinalongtime.
IlookuptoseeChelseastandingthereinatinyblackbikini
hairtravelsdownherback,landingjustaboveherwaist.Mybodyiscurvier.Ihavefullbreastsandflaredhips,thoughIwork tokeepmyselftrimandinshapebyeatinghealthyfoods.ButIdon’thavemuchtimeforexercisemostdays.
IventureaglanceoveratZane,andhiseyesflareastheymoveacrossmycollarboneandstallonmychest.Afteramoment,he keepsgoing,lingeringonmylegstoo IwonderifI’mimaginingitwhenIseehisjawclenchasWyattcomescloserandslides hisarmacrossmyshoulders,pullingmeintohistorso.IputmyarmaroundWyatt’swaist.
“It’sbeautifulhere,”Iobserve.
Hesqueezesmyshoulder.“Thiswholeplaceisamazing.Therearelittlehiddencoveslikethisalloverthepark.It’swhyI neverleave”
“Youneverleavebecauseoftheboardinginthewinter,”Benjicommentsfromafewfeetaway.
“Damnstraight,”Wyattagrees
“Youguysteachsnowboardingandskiinginthewinter?”Iask,rememberingwhatChelseasaidlastnight. Iassumethey instructattheworld-famousmountainlodgethatboastssomeofthebestslopesinAmericaandisjustminutesfromtown “Foralmosttenyearsnow,”Wyattanswers.
Theheatofhisbodywarmsthesideofmine.Hishandisrubbingupanddownmyupperarmashegazesdownatme.Hiseyes diptomycleavagemorethanonce.
“Well,Iguessyouguysmustbegoodthen,”Icomment,ignoringtheblatantogling.
“No”Heslowlyshakeshisheadwithaconfidentsmirk “We’rebetterthangood” “Somewouldsaywe’reworldchampions,”Benjiadds,glancingoveratZanewithasmirk.
“What?”Ifurrowmybrows
“Don’tyouknowwhoheis?”Chelseaasksme,steppingupbesideusandnoddinginZane’sdirection “ShouldI?”
WyattandBenjilaugh Zanerunsahandthroughhishairandlooksaway BenjiwalksoverandthrowsanarmacrossZane’s shoulders.“OurboyhereisachampionattheWorldGames.”
Mymouthdropsopen
“Was,”Zanecorrects.
“Youwonasnowboardingcompetition?”IaskZane,thoughI’mprobablyshowingmyignorancebecauseIdon’tknowmuch aboutthesport.
“Hewonthe snowboardingchampionship.ThemostcompetitiveoneotherthantheXGames,”Benjianswers,alookof reverenceonhisface.“Allthreeofuscompeted.ButZistheonlychampionstandinghere.”
ZaneshrugsBenji’sarmfromhisshouldersandtiltshiscanofbeerbackuntilit’sempty.Heseemsuncomfortablewiththe accoladesandattention.Hetossesthecaninabag.
“Thatwasalongtimeago,”Zanesays,notmeetinganyone’seyes.“Let’sswim.”
Wyattleansdownuntilhischeekispressedagainstthesideofmyhead “Hedoesn’tliketotalkaboutit” “Why?”Iask.
“Becauseofhowitallended”
“Howdiditend?”Iwatchastheotherthreewalkclosertothewaterfall “Heblewouthiskneeinacompetition.HewasonestepawayfromtheOlympics.Andthen,justlikethat” Wyattsnapshis fingers “itwasover.”Wyattkeepshisvoicelowsothatthewordsarejustbetweenus.
I’mstaringatZane’smuscular,leanbackasWyatttalks.I’mstartingtothinktherearelayerstoZanethatImissedatfirst glance I’mvisualizingpeelingthembackoneatatime Zane’sarrogancewasthefirstthingthatstruckme,butIthinkI might’vemistakenquietconfidenceforconceit.AndI’mcertainI’denjoydiggingforthetruth.
“Comeon,”Wyattsays,leadingusclosertothewater.
“Areyousureit’swarminthere?”IaskdubiouslyasBenjiandChelseaenterthenaturalpool. There’sachillintheairthat’sworseintheshade It’salreadyleftchillbumpsacrossmyskin Wyattchuckles.Heactslikehe’sgoingtoshovemein,andIgrabhimreflexively.
Hegroanswhilepullingmecloser.“WhydoIlikethefeelofyouinmyarmssomuch?”
“Ibetyousaythattoallthegirls,”Ijoke,givinghimanaffectionatesqueezebeforelettinggo. “Hedoes,”Benjisuppliesfromthewater
Wyattflipshimoffbeforefullyreleasingmeandperformingafrontflipfromtheshoreintotheriver.
“Heregoesnothing,”Isay,tentativelyplacingafootintherushingwater.
I’mcarefulwhenIenter,buttherocksareslickbeneathmyTevas,andmyfootstartstoslideoverthemossysurface.My balancewaversuntilIfeelwarmhandscollapsearoundmywaist
“Careful,”Zanewarns Hemovedfromtheshoreandisnowstandingclosertome Ileanbackintohim,notbecauseIneedhimforbalance,butbecausehefeelssosolidbehindme.Hisskinsmellsclean,like soaptoday.Hegripsmyhipstighter.
“Therocksareslick,”Zanemurmursinmyear.Hisvoicesoundsthickandaffected. Iwanttoclosemyeyesandsinkfurtherintohiswarmth
“Here,”Wyattsays,movingcloserandextendingahand.Thewaterisswirlingaroundhiswaist.
Itakehishandandeasemyselfintothecurrent.IrelaxwhenIfeelthetemperatureofthewater.It’slikeawarmbath. Iwalk closertothewaterfallandtrailBenji,Wyatt,andChelseaastheydivebeneathitandintoasmallcave.Zaneappearsnext,the fallingliquidlikeatranslucentcurtainsurroundingus Isitonaraisedrockfloorwiththewaterbobbingaroundmyshoulders andwatchaprismofcolorformwhenthesunrayshittheflowingstream.
“Thisisamazing,”Isay,myvoiceechoingaroundthespace. Theareaisetherealandotherworldly.
“Likeabuilt-inhottub,”Benjiadds.Hesmoothshisblondhairawayfromhisface.
“Maybenotquitethatwarm,”Icounter Benjijustchuckles.
“Haveyoubeenherebefore?”IaskChelsea Shenods
“Withtheseguys?”Iask.
“Yep,”shesays,glancingoveratZane AndIwonderagainifthey’vecrossedthelinefromfriendstosomethingmorebefore “Butjustonce.”
“Whendidyoumeet?”Iaskher,referringtoalltheguys “Twosummersago.”
Shedoesn’tgiveanymoredetailsthanthat,andIdon’tpushformore. Zaneclimbsontotherockyledgefurtherinsidethecave,andInoticethescarsonhisleftkneeforthefirsttime Imovecloser tohim,lightlytouchingthepale,raisedskin.
“ACL?”Iask,referringtothemainligamentthat’softentorninathletes “ACL,PCL,LCL,andmylateralmeniscus,”heanswers.
Iwhistlelow,anditechoesaroundthecavernousspace That’sacatastrophicinjurytotheknee Nowonderitendedhis career.
“I’maphysicianassistant,”Iexplain.“I’veworkedforanorthopedicsurgeonforsixyearsinthecity.” Or I did.
“We’vedonelotsofkneereconstructionsovertheyears.ThesurgeonIworkforcoversthefootballteamsatthelocal universitiesandsomeofthehighschools”Ipausewhilestilllookingathisscars “Whodidyourrepair?”
Henamesawell-knownsurgeonfromoneoftherivalorthopedicgroupsbackinmyhometown.
“Iknowofhim,”Isay “He’ssupposedtobegood”
“He’ssupposedtobethebest,”Zaneamends.“Butnotevenhecouldgetmebackintocompetition.”Thatlaststatementis murmured,andheseemstobespeakingmoretohimselfthantome Histonereeksofdisappointment “Surgeonsaregood,buttheyaren’tmiracleworkers,”Iadmit.Hestaysquiet.“Ibetthatwasalongrehab…” “Yep,”hesays,suddenlyrisingandtreadingclosertotheentrance,likehe’sdonewiththisconversation.Hedoesn’tstopuntil
thewaterfalliscascadingdownhisbodylikearainfallshowerhead
Soon,allofusarebeneaththefalls Thewateriscoolerhere,butitstillfeelsrefreshinglygood Itiltmyheadbackandletit cascadedownmyfaceandbody.Oneoftheguysshovesmeplayfullyfrombehind.Chelseaplungesintothewaterafterme, andthenit’son
Wespendthenexthourortwosplashingandroughhousinginthewater.Weeatthesnackstheguysbroughtanddrinkbeer, thoughZanedoesn’thaveanothersincehedrove.Wehavetheoasistoourselvesmostofthetimewithonlyafewtourists venturingintotakepicturesofthefalls.Buttheyleaveasfastastheycame.Thesunisstartingtosetbythetimewelugallthe suppliesandcoolersandourtiredbodiesbacktothevehicle.
I’mquietonthetripbackhome,contenttowatchthesunlowerbehindthemountainsandtowatchforanimals.Wedon’tsee anytonightalongtheroad,butsunriseandsunsetarethebesttimestospotthem.I’mspentbythetimewepullintomy driveway.ZanedroppedChelseaofffirst,soit’sjustmeandtheguys.
“You’restayinghereallalone?”BenjiasksfrombesidemeinthebackseatasI’mgatheringmythings. “Thatmakesyousoundlikeacreeper,askingthat,”Wyattsaystohisfriend.
InodatBenji “It’snotsobad Ikindoflikethequietforonce” “Ifyougetscaredorlonely,”Wyattsays,“I’dbehappytokeepyoucompany.” Benjilaughs “Now,whosoundslikethecreeper?Butfortherecord,Iwouldalsovolunteerastribute” “Youguysaresaints,”Ideadpan,“sowillingtosacrificeyourselfformywell-being” “That’sjustthekindofguysweare,”Benjianswerssolemnlywithapalmonhischest. “Ididn’thearyouvolunteer,Zane,”Isay,thoughIdon’tknowwheremyboldnessiscomingfrom “I’llwaituntilyouinvitemein,”ishisresponse.
Imeethisgazeintherearviewmirror.Heisn’tsmiling,butthere’smischiefinhiseyes. “Whatmakesyousosurethat’sgoingtohappen?”
“I’mnotsure,”headmits.“Butthat’spartofthefun…thenotknowing.” “Idon’tneedthemystery,personally,”Wyattjokes “Allyouhavetodoissaytheword,andI’mallyours” “Goodtoknow.”Isnicker.Ipopthedooropen.“Thanksforagreatday,guys.I’lltrytocontributesomefoodanddrinksnext time”
“Whatmakesyouthinkthere’sgoingtobeanexttime?”Zanequips.
“I’mnotsuretherewillbe.Butthat’spartofthefun,right?”Iwinkathimandsaygoodbyetoallthreebeforemakingmyway insidethehouse.
CHAPTERFOUR WILLOW Iwakeearlythenextdayanddecidetogoforarun.Theroadinfrontofthehouseisaboutamileandahalfindistanceifyou gointheoppositedirectionfromtown,anditendsataprivatepropertyrightatthebaseofthemountains It’sarunI’vemade almostdailyonpasttripstoSullivan’sWay.Ilikethesolitudeandthecrisptemperature.I’musuallytheonlyoneouthere.It’s quietandpeaceful,andithelpsmeclearmyhead Istraponapairofsneakersandmyearbudsandtakeoffdowntheroad Icanseemybreathevaporatinginthecoldmorningair.Ipullthesleevesofmythermalrunningtopovermyhandsandfocus onthemusicuntilmylegsaresteadilypumpingandmybodystartstowarmup Myminddriftsbacktowork towhenitall started.IrememberthefirstdayImetDr.Cooperlikeitwasyesterday.ItwastheeasiestjobinterviewI’deverhad.Andthe mostlaid-back
I checked the address again to make sure I was in the correct spot as I drove into the upscale neighborhood The houses were a few acres apart in a heavily wooded area on the outskirts of the city The navigation led me into a long driveway, and I parked to the side of the large home to stay out of the way should someone else try to leave or arrive while I was there
I examined my reflection in the lit mirror in the visor and nervously ran my fingers through my hair. Heregoesnothing.
I walked up the sidewalk and onto the porch, ringing the doorbell Aman of average height and stocky build answered the door with a smile I immediately recognized him as Dr Cooper He looked just like his picture online He was shorter than I’d thought he would be, but he exuded a natural masculinity and confidence.
“Willow?” he asked.
“Yes ” I nodded with a smile
“I’m Ron Cooper,” he said.
He moved to the side, and I walked past him and then paused, waiting until he led me into a large, open concept kitchen and family room. There was a woman inside the room as well. He introduced her as his wife.
“Nice to meet you, ” I said
She had a kind but guarded smile I could tell she was waiting around to meet me It felt comfortable there even though I was nervous. I liked that I was not only introduced to the physician offering the job, but also his spouse. It made it a family affair, meeting that way And I wanted his wife to be comfortable with me too I wanted her to know she had nothing to worry about if I was hired as his assistant because I was a professional I worked hard to get my master’s degree to practice medicine. So, even if I was with her husband for long, late hours on the job, she could rest easy, having me around. Dr Cooper and I talked about the details of the position after his wife left the room We would split our time between the clinic and the operating room. I would help see patients in the office and assist him in surgery. I would be the primary person to take calls, but he would be there to back me up at all times
We discussed salary, and he agreed to pay me twenty thousand more than what I was making at my current orthopedic position, plus bonus potential And he said that I would get a raise quickly if things went well I was grossly underpaid in my other job. I was working for a smaller general orthopedic group that took advantage of the fact that I hadn’t learned my value yet
This job offer sounded like a dream. I left that day with a handshake, excited about the future. It was everything I thought I wanted I would be working for a respected, well-renowned surgeon, splitting my days between clinic and surgery, taking calls, and working with athletes. I was young. I was green only two years out of physician assistant school. And I was hungry.
And the next day, I put in my notice at my current position one I had taken right after graduating from PAschool.
MyattentionispulledbacktothepresentwhenIseeaherdofelkacrossafieldinthedistance Istoptowatchthemintheir naturalhabitat.Themaleisbugling.Healreadyhasadozenorsofemalesinhisharem,butapparently,that’snotenough
becausehe’smakingtheodd,high-pitchedsoundtoattractmore.Themalesarealwayslookingtospreadtheirseedtoasmany femalesaspossible.It’sfunnyhowanimalsaresomuchlikethehumanspecies. Fallismatingseason.Thestrongestmalescollectherdsoffemales,sometimesdozensofthem.Andthentheyguardthem aroundtheclock,losingweightbecausetheywon’teatastheyprotecttheirwomen Andtheymatewitheachfemale It’sthe survivalofthefittestatitsbest.WewerehereoneyearwhenNationalGeographicwasfilmingthem.Andwegottowatchtwo maleschallengeeachotherforaherd.Theylockedtheirhornsandpushedeachotheruntiloneofthemwon.Thewinnerstayed withthefemalepack,andtheloserskulkedoffintothewoods,alone Itwasfascinatingtowitness Itakeafewpictureswithmyphoneandjogbacktothehousewhenthechillstartstosetinfromstandingstill. Itcontinuestofeelstrange,nothavingaschedule.Everysecondofeverydayisusuallydeterminedforme.It’sbeenthatway foryearsnow fromcollegeallthewaythroughgraduateschool.Thesilenceandlackofanitinerarycontinuetobesomewhat unnerving.Butasoddasitis,it’salsofreeingtofinallyescapetheratracethathasbecomemylife.IcandowhateverIwant todo,wheneverIchoosetodoit.Itmakesmefeeldisplacedandatease,allatonce.
Aftercheckinginwithmyparents,Idecidetoheadintotownforbreakfastandacoffee Igrababooktokeepmecompany,but Idon’tmindeatingalone.Somehow,thesolitudeisniceratherthandisconcerting.Idon’tfeelisolatedorlonelyhere.Ijust feelcalmandcontent,likeIcanfinallybreathe
Iwalktoasmallcoffeeshoplocatedinthesquarethatattractsmorelocalsthantourists.It’sknownforitsgreatbreakfastmenu aswell I’mgladmostofthevisitorschoosetofrequenttheStarbucksaroundthecornerinstead,soIcanhavethisplaceto myself.
Iorderattheregister thesamewomanwhohasworkedherethepastfivesummers,Nadia,ismanningthefront andthensit inanemptyboothtowait.Ahuge,steamingvanillalatteissetbeforemeafewminuteslater,andaplateofpancakesand sausageisplacedonthetabletenminutesafterthat
Ifyou’veneverhadpancakesinthemountainsbefore,you’remissingout.Idon’tknowifit’sthehighaltitudeorwhat,butthe cakesarefluffierandlighterherethantheyareanywhereelse Theyliterallymeltinmymouth,thestickymaplesyrupdripping frommyfork.
Thehingesonthefrontdoorcreak,andIlookovertoseeafamiliarheadofshaggyblondhairenteringthespace “Hey,Lo,”Benjisayswhenoureyesmeet.
Zanecalledmebythenicknameoneortwotimesyesterdayatthefalls,anditimmediatelystuckwiththeothers Ismileandwave,mymouthcurrentlystuffedfulloffood Benjistepsuptothecounterandordersbreakfast,slidingintothe boothacrossfrommewhenhe’sdone.
“How’dyousleep?”heasks,sippingfromthecupofblackcoffeeinhishand.
“Likeababy,”Iadmit.
Thethinmountainairandourlongdayofswimmingworemeoutyesterdayinthebestway Heglancesatmyathleticthermalshirt,vest,andleggings.“Youbeenworkingout?” “Iwentforarunearlier.”
“Anearlyriser,huh?”HethanksNadiawhenshesetsaplateofbacon,eggs,andahugebiscuitinfrontofhim “IguessI’mamorningperson,”Iadmit.“Iwasforcedtobewhileworkinginsurgery.It’shardtobreakthehabit.Ourfirst caseswerealwaysatsevenam,andI’dusuallyroundbeforethen”
“Areyouadoctor?”heasks,hiseyebrowsraisedinsurprise.
Ishakemyhead “Physicianassistant”
Weeatourfood,andheasksmorequestionsaboutmyprofession.Benji’seasytotalkto,andhishazeleyesarekindand engagingasIexplaintohimwhatitisIdoonadailybasis.Or did. Ipushmyemptyplatetothesideandwarmmyhandsaroundmycup.
“Iknowyouguyssnowboardallwinter,butwhatdoyoudowhenthere’snosnowontheslopes?”Iaskhim.
“WyattandIworkdownattheraftingcompany,runningwhitewatertoursafewdaysaweek Gottamakesomemoneyinthe offseason.It’sexpensivetolivearoundhere.”Heglancesoutthewindow.“Housingisridiculous.”
“Iimagineso,”Iagree “Wheredoyoulive?”
“Atownhouseclosetotheslopes.WyattandIsharetheplacetooffsetcosts.”
“WhataboutZane?”Iask,unabletohelpmyself.
Benjilooksamusedasheshovesaforkfulofscrambledeggsintohismouth HestudiesmeforafewminutesasIsipmycoffee andtrytoappearnonchalant.
“Youreallydon’tknowwhoZaneis,doyou?”heasks
“Idon’tknowmuchaboutsnowboarding,”Iadmit.“AndwhyisitsoweirdthatI’veneverheardofhim?”
Benjislathersbutterandstrawberryjellyononesideofhisbiscuitbeforetakingahugebite Iwatchhimandwaitforhis answer.
Hechewsforafewsecondsandswallows.“DoyouknowZane’slastname?” Ishakemyhead.
“It’sSullivan.”
Sullivan Sullivan’s Way
“Hisfamilyownsthistown?”I’mshockedasIstarttopiecethingstogether.
“Well,notthe entire town,”hejokes.“Butalotofit.”
“So,hecomesfrommoney?”Iask
Benjinods,finishingoffhisbiscuit.“Butyouwouldn’tknowit.He’stheleastpretentiouspersonIknow.Helivesmodestly, mostlyoffthewinningsandendorsementshehadwhenhewascompeting Andfromteachinglessonsinthewinterafewdaysa week.Iguessthat’swhyIliketheguy.Hedoesn’tmindslummingitwiththelikesofme.”
“Yeah,you’resohardtobearound,”Iquipbeforepausingtosipmydrink “So,that’swhyyouguysthinkallthewomenare chasinghim?Becausehe’swealthy?”
“Imean,I’mnotawoman”Hechucklesgood-naturedly “ButIassumethefactthathe’safamoussnowboarderandanathlete withafatbankaccountdoesn’tturntheladiesoff.”Hewasheshisfooddownwithadrinkofwaterandleansbackintheseat, eyeingmefromacrossthetable.“Ipersonallythinkhe’sanuglymotherfucker…butfromwhatIhear,alotoffemalesdisagree withme.”
Isnicker,andhisfacelightsup
Hepushesthehairoffhisface.“Whatdoyouthink?”heasks.
Iliftmyeyebrows “AboutZane?”
Henodswithaneasysmile,butIcanseetheunderlyingmischiefthere. “Idon’tthinkaboutZane,”Ilie,wonderingifhetoldhistwofriendsaboutourrandomkisstheothernight.
“Allright”Benjigrins,noddingslowlyandpursinghislips ButIcantellhedoesn’tbelieveme “Who do youthinkabout?”
Ilaughandthenanswerhonestly,“Idon’treallyhaveanyonetothinkaboutthesedays.”Iglanceoutthewindow,andthe silenceextends “Areyouworkingtoday?”Thisismyattempttochangethesubject Heletsme
“Iam,thoughWyattandIreducedourschedulerecently.Wedropdowntotwodaysaweekofrunningtoursinthefalltotakea breatherbeforesnowboardingseasonstarts”Heslapsthetable “Gottagetreadyforthewinter”Heglancesoutthewindow Thelateritgets,themorecrowdedthewalkwayoutsidegrows.“IfIcouldliveonmyboardontheslopesyear-round,I would.”
“Workhard,playhard,”Isupply.
Hesmirks “Nope Thesayingendsatplayinghardforme It’sallyouresponsiblepeoplewithcollegedegreeswhothinkyou havetoworkhardtogettotheplayingpart.”
“Ittakesmoneytoplay,”Iargue
“Fact,”hesays,pointingatme.“Butifyoufindawaytomakemoneydoingwhatyoulovetodo,youwon’tworkadayinyour life”
“Touché,”Isay.Ifinishthelastofmylatte.
“I’vegottogetgoing,”Benjisays,slidingfromthebooth.
“Itwasfun,runningintoyou”Ismileathimastheentrancetotheplaceopensagainandmorepeoplewalkin Irisetogive himahug.“Iprobablystink,”Iwarn,pullinghimcloser.
“Yoursweatsmellssweet,Lo”
Hiswordsdrawanothersmilefromme.
“Dotheyteachallyoumountainmenhowtobesmooth?”Iquipaswepullapart Hesmirksandlooksoffintothedistancebeforepullinghiseyesbacktome.“Nope.Itjustcomesnaturally.” Mylaughterfollowshimoutthedoor.
AndthenItakemytimewalkinghome,stoppingbythelocalbookstoreonthewaytobuyafewmorebookstokeepme companyduringmystay
CHAPTERFIVE WILLOW Wyattsendsmeatext,invitingmetoacookoutthenextday.I’mwaitingonthefrontporchwhenhearrives,andhegetsoutto walkmetohisJeep,openingthepassengerdoorformeafterwehughello
I’msurprisedhe’spickingmeup,alone Ijust assumedthiswouldbeanothergroupouting.AndIstarttowonderifhe’slookingatthislikeadate.Heseemstobetreatingit likeone
“Aretheotherscoming?”Iask.
IspoketoChelseaearlier,andshehasplanswithherfamilytonight.
“IknowBenjiis,butIhaven’ttalkedtoZanetoday,”Wyattanswers,glancingatmebeforefocusingontheroadagain He lookshandsomebutcasualinhisjeansandsweatshirt.
Wemakesmalltalk,andIenjoythesceneryaswedriveintothepark We’reheadingtoColbyBay,aplaceI’vebeentomany timesbeforewithmyparents.Ithousesacampgroundinonepartandagiantlakeatthebaseofthemountainchainwiththe bluestwaterintheother Theviewsareunbelievable Alittlesliceofheavenonearth There’sadesignatedareaforcookouts overlookingthelake.It’sbeautifulthere.Honestly,thereisn’tabadspotinthisentirepark.
WyattwhipshisJeepintoaparkingspotwhenwearrivethirtyminuteslater.Therearehalfadozencarsparkedinthelot,and eachoneiscoatedinalayerofdustanddirtfromtheelements.IfindmyselfsearchingforZane’sSUV,andI’mdisappointed whenIdon’tseeit.
Wyattslingshisarmacrossmyshoulders,andwewalkdownashortpathway.Whenitclears,Iseetenorsopeoplestanding aroundaspacewithseveralconcretepicnictablesandfirepits.Mygazegetscaughtonthemountainsinthedistance,majestic intheirsizeandstature,acrossthesparklingwater.Thesunissettingbehindthepeaks,leavingapinkandorangeglowinthe sky.I’mmesmerizedbyituntilIseeZane.
He’sstandingnexttoafewguysIdon’trecognize,stealingthespotlight Butit’shisexpressionthatcapturesmyattentionthe most.He’sglaringatWyattandme,likeheisn’thappytoseemehere.Orheisn’thappytoseemeherewithhisfriend.
“What’sup,guys?!”Wyattexclaims,liftinghisarmsintheairtheatrically,makingagrandentrance. I’mlearningthatWyattlikesattention.Guys,girls itdoesn’tmatter.Headsturn,andafeweyeslingeronmecuriously.My companionnotices
“Thisismygirl,Willow forthoseofyouwhodon’tknowher”
Ismileandgiveasmallwavetothecrowd,uneasywitheveryone’sattentionsuddenlyfocusedonme.I’mnotsureifWyatt’s layingclaimtomeorsimplyusingatermofendearment,butIdon’tsayanything.
IlookbackoveratZanejustintimetoseeJessica,thewaitressfromCowboys,stepupbesidehim.She’stalkingwhile motioningbehindher,andZanefollowsherdownthepathwejustcamefromafterabriefglanceinmydirection Iwatchthem go,thinkingabouthowgreattheylooktogether.
“YourememberJessica,”Wyattsays,noticingmewatchingthem
Inod.“Yep.”Iglancearoundthespace,pullingmyattentionawayfromthetrailZaneandJessicajustdisappeareddown.“Is thereadrinkaroundthisplace?”
“Doyouknowmeatall?”Wyattsmirks.“I’vegotacoolerintheJeep.Let’sgograbit.”
Mystomachsinkswhenwewalkbackdownthepathleadingtotheparkinglot.Idon’twanttorunintoZaneandJessica.Istill don’tknowwhattheyaretoeachother.Anditshouldn’tmattertomeonewayoranother,butsomehow,itdoes.I’munsureof whattonightisbetweenWyattandme AndIdon’tknowwhyZanekissedmethefirstnightifhehasawomanwholookslike Jessicawaitingathomeforhim,butitirritatesmethathedidifhe’snotavailable.I’vehadmyfillofbeingusedbymenlately. Wecomeface-to-facewiththemafewstepslater Zaneiscarryingacooler,andJessicahasabaginherarms “What’sup,Z?”Wyattsays.He’sallsmiles,oblivioustothetensionradiatingoffhisfriendorjustchoosingtoignoreit.“Hey, Jessica”Henodsoveratme “YourememberWillow?”
Ismileatheralittletoobrightly.“It’snicetoformallymeetyou.”
“Yeah,”shesays,notreallyreturningthesentiment.SheturnstowardWyatt,icingmeout.“IsBenjicoming?”
ImeetZane’seyes,andhelooksaway Hisjawticsonceandthentwice
“Heshouldbeheresoon,”Wyattanswers.Hereachesformyhand,andIlethimtakeit.“We’vegottograbafewthingsfrom thecar”
Zane’seyesdroptoourconnectedfingersasWyattpullsmepasthim.
“Jessicasureisnice,”Isnarkwhenwe’reoutofearshot Wyattlaughsloudly “She’salittleterritorial,”hesaysunnecessarily “Youthink?”
“Don’tworryabouttheicequeen Sheneverlikesnewgirlswebringaroundthegroup” “Doyouguysbringlotsofnewgirlsaroundthegroup?”Iasknonchalantly,attemptingtodigforinformationdiscreetly. “Afew,”headmits.
Ihaveafeelingit’smorethan“afew.”
“Whobringsthemost?”Ipush.
“Whopicksupthemostwomen?OutofZane,Benji,andme?”HeunlocksthebackofhisJeepandswingsthedooropen He liftsacoolerwithbothhands.“Zwinsthataward,handsdown.”
IgrabthebagIbroughtfilledwithgrahamcrackers,chocolatebars,andmarshmallowsbeforeshuttingandlockingthedoor behindus.
“WhydoesZaneneedtopickupgirlswhenhe’salreadygotsomeonewholookslikeJessicaonhisarm?”
“JessicaisjustoneofmanytoZane,”Wyattsaysflippantly.
“Justliketheelk,”Imumble.
“What?”Wyattasks
“Nothing.”
Wecarrytheitemsbacktothepicnicsiteandclaimatable.Isitontopofitwithmyfeetrestingontheconcreteseat.It’s angledtowardthewatersoIcanwatchthesundippingbehindthemountains.WyattfishestwoIPAsoutoftheiceandremoves thetops,handingmeone
“Cheers,”Isaytohim,tappingtheneckofmybottleagainsthis.
Hewatchesmewiththoselight-browneyes.Webothtakeadrink.Itipmyfacetotheskyandsmile,enjoyingthewaythecold brewwarmsmeasitslidesdownmythroat.I’msureit’sallinmyhead,butIalreadyfeelmorerelaxed.
“Thanksforinvitingmetonight.Ilikehangingoutwithyouguys.”
“Ilikehangingoutwithyoutoo,”headmits HisAdam’sapplebobsashetakesanotherdrink “Especiallywhenyou’re wearingthatlittleyellowbikini.”
Irollmyeyesandpushmywavystrandsbehindoneear “WhatamIgonnadowithyou?”
Hetakesastepcloser,movingintothespacebetweenmylegs.“Icanthinkofafewthings.”
I’msecondsfrompushingWyattbackwhenBenjiappears
“What’sup,Lo?!”Benjiinterrupts.Hewalksupbesidethetabletojoinus,givingmeaone-armedhugandforcingWyatta stepbackintheprocess.“Firstbreakfastandnowdinner…areyoustalkingmeorsomething?”
“It’stheonlywayIgettoseeyou,”Ijoke.
ZanewalkscloserandslapshandswithBenji,grabbingabeerfromthecooler.
“Breakfast?”Wyattasks
Benjiwinksatme.“Yeah,youknow…thatmealyouhaveatthestartoftheday.”
WyattglancesbetweenBenjiandmeasZanequietlygazesatthemountains “Whendidyoutwohavebreakfasttogether?” “Theothermorning,”Ianswer “Whywasn’tIinvited?”Wyattaskswithafrown.
“Becausenoonecangetawordinedgewisewhenyou’rethere,”Benjijokes
Wyatttakesaplayfulswingathim.
“Wyatt!Getyourassoverhereandstartthisfire!”aguyyellsfromwherehe’sarranginglogsinthemiddleofarockcircle
“Whyisthatmyjob?”Wyattgrumbles,alreadysteppinginthatdirection.
“Becauseit’stheonlythingwecangetyourlazyasstodo,”theguyyellsback. Benjifollows,leavingZaneandmealone.Itakealongdrinkfrommybottle.
“IPA,huh?”Zanesays,stillnotlookingatme.“Interestingchoice.”
“Okay,”Isay,staringatthesideofhisface,“Iadmitit;it’sgood” Heshiftshiseyesuntiltheycollidewithmine.“It’sbetterthangood.”
Thetemperatureincreasesbyatleasttendegreeswithhisattentiononme ButIshiveranyway “It’sbetterthangood,”Iacquiesce
Heleansontheedgeofthetable,bringingusafewinchescloser.Istartfiddlingwiththelooseedgeofthestickeronthebottle I’mholdingandthenlookoverhisshoulderatthewatergentlylappingagainsttherocksbelow.Zaneisn’teventouchingme, buteveryinchofmyskinisawareofhiminawayI’mnotwithothermen.
“Youbeendowntoseethelakeyet?”heasks,hisvoicelowandrumbling Ifeeleverysyllabledowndeepinmylowerstomach.
Ishakemyhead “Notyet” “Well,comeonthen.”
HestartswalkingbeforeIagreetoaccompanyhim,likeheknowsIwillfollow.AndIdo.IglancearoundbeforeIjumpoffthe table.WyattandBenjiarebusymakingafire.Idon’tseeJessica.
Wewalkdownadirtpaththatdescendsthehilltoashorelinefilledwithrocksofallshapesandsizes.Mysneakersslide acrossthemafewtimes,theloosesurfaceshiftingbeneathmyweight.
“Youshouldbewearinghikingshoes,”Zanesays,noticingmyunevengait.
“Why?”Iask “Wearen’thikingtonight”
“Tennisshoesdon’tbelongonmountainterrain.”
“Ihavehikingshoes,”Iinsist “Ijustdidn’twearthem” “What,youdidn’twanttoruinyourcutelittleoutfitforyourdate?”
“Youthinkmyoutfitiscute?”Ismirk,glancingdownatmycargopants.“Andthisisn’tadate.”
“Isn’tit?”hecounters,stoppingattheedgeofthewater
Thelightisdimmingasthesuncontinuestofallinthesky.Isearchforasmall,smoothstone,findingoneafewfeetaway. “NotthatIknowof,”Isay.Itosstherockandfrownwhenthestonesinkstothebottominsteadofskippingacrossthewater likeIintendedforitto.
“Youhavetoflickyourwrist,”Zaneinstructs.Helocatesanotheroneandexecutesitperfectly,thestoneskippingacrossthe surfacenolessthansixtimesbeforeitsinksintothewater.
Irollmyeyesandshakemyhead.“Ofcourseyoucanskipstonesperfectly.”
Zanechuckles “Whydoyousaythat?”
“Ijusthaveafeelingeverythingyoudocomeseasilytoyou.”
“That’snottrue,”Zanecounters Heturnsuntilwe’refacingeachother “DoesWyattknow?”
Hebrushesastrandofhairovermyshoulder.It’saseeminglyinnocuoustouch,butsomehow,itfeelsintimatewhenhedoesit. Iscowl,irritatedthatsuchasimplemoveaffectsmesomuchsimplybecauseZane’stheonedoingit. “DoesWyattknowwhat?”
“Thatthisisn’tadate?”
Ishrug “Idon’tknowwhatWyattthinks,tobehonest Heaskedmetogotoacookout,andIsaidyes Ididn’tknowwhoelse wouldbehere.Iwasgladtogetoutofthehouse.”Idon’taddthatIthoughtZanewouldbewithhim.AndprobablyBenjitoo. “Youshouldmakeitcleartohimthatyou’rejustfriends”
Iscoff.“AndwhyshouldIdothat,Zane?Because you sayso?”IlookhimintheeyeasIpauseinsilentchallenge.“What aboutyou?”
“Whataboutme?”Hescowls.
“YouandJessica what’sgoingonthere?”
“MeandJessica…areyoujealous,Lo?”Aslowsmilespreadsacrosshisface,butithasanaughtyshinetoit.Hestaresfora fewseconds,hissmileevaporatingbeforehelooksaway “ThereisnomeandJessica”
“Doessheknowthat?”Ithrowthequestionbackathim.
“Probablynot,”hesayshonestly.“She’sstilllivinginthepast.”Hetipshisbottlebackuntilthelastdropdisappearsintohis mouth.
“AndIwonderwhythatis,”Isay,mywordsdrippingwithmeaning.
“Maybeit’sbecauseI’msounforgettable”Hissmirkturnsarrogant
“Ormaybeit’sbecauseyouleadheron.”
“Whatdoyouknowaboutit?”Hiswordsaresharpashistempersuddenlyflares “Ifanyoneisleadingsomeoneon,it’syou Youshowupherewithmyboy,onhisarm.”Hedoesn’tdisguisehisjealousythistime.Orhisjudgment.
“Heaskedmetocome Ididn’tseeyouinvitingme Ihaven’theardfromyouorseenyousincewewenttoMooseFalls You know,thedayafterthenightyoukissedmeandthendisappearedintothinair.”
ZaneandIsharedtwosmalldrunkenkissesthefirstnightwemet.Idon’tunderstandwherehisanimosityiscomingfrom.Or whywe’resparringlikeanoldmarriedcouplewhenwebarelyknoweachother. Isearchforanotherstonetoavoidthoseangry,accusatoryeyes “Dammit,”IspitwhenItossitanditsinksagaininsteadof skipping.
Zanechucklesatmyfrustration,anditonlypissesmeoffmore.Iliftanotherrockfromtheground.Zane’sfingerscollapse aroundmywrist,holdingithostage.
“Iwasn’tsureyou’devenrememberthatwekissed,”Zanesays.Hisvoiceislow,andhishandisburningmyskinwherehe’s holdingme.“Youwerehammeredthatnight.”
“Iremember.”Myvoicelowers,andmyeyesdroptothegroundasmyminddriftsbacktothatmoment.“ButIjustfiguredit wasnobigdealtoyou.Youseemtohaveplentyoffemaleattention.Thatwasprobablyanordinarynightforyou.I’msureI’m justoneofmany.”
IwanthimtoarguewithmeandtellmeI’mwrong.
“You’vegotaninterestingimpressionofme,especiallywhenyoubarelyknowme.Where’sitcomingfrom?”Heglancesaway whenIdon’tanswer Then,hescoffs “Letmeguess Wyatt?” Afewbeatsgobywherewe’rebothsilent.IwonderwherethecompetitivenessbetweenWyattandZanestemsfrom.Maybe theirsnowboardingdays?
He’sstillholdingmywrist.Therocksshiftwhenhestepsaroundbehindme,pullingmeagainsthischest.Myspinestiffens.He smellsgood,andthehardlinesofhischestfeelevenbetter Heturnsusuntiloursidesarefacingthewater Onehandisonmy waist,anchoringme.Andtheotherslidesfrommywristtoengulfmyfingers.Hegripsthestonewithme,coachingmethrough themechanicsofskippingrocks.ButallIcanfocusonishowclosehe’sstandingtomeandhowgoodhisbreathfeelsagainst mycheek Mypantsandlong-sleevedshirtformathinbarrierbetweenourskin Icanfeeleveryinchofhimashestartsto hardenagainstmyhip.
Wetossthestonetogether Itskipsoncebeforethesurfaceswallowsitup Hedoesn’treleasemethough Instead,heleansin untilhislipsarebrushingtheouteredgeofmyear.Iclosemyeyes.
“Youweren’t,”hemurmurs.
Thewaterislappinglazilyontheshore.
IarchmybackuntilI’mpressingharderagainsthisgroin.Hiswarmbreathquickensacrossmyneck,causinggoosebumpsto riseonmyskin
“What?”Iwhisper.
“Youweren’toneofmany,”hemurmurs “Anditwasabigdealtome Infact,Ican’tstopthinkingaboutit Relivingitinmy mind.”
