The Fake Guardian

Page 1

Julian Assange Lying is sometimes a necessary means to the truth

FAKE

<

Monday 16.12.13 Published in Ithaca Free

thefakeguardian.com ‘I like being in on the secret.’

Wikileaks editor on why we should still believe Snowden

Julian Assange

Lindsay Mills:I was never Edward Snowden’s Girlfriend.

Edward Snowden: previous NSA leaks were lies

Source behind biggest fake intelligence leak says the government paid him to lie Everyone Moscow

Edward Snowden, the former NSA contractor who made headlines this summer for leaking NSA documents, is now claiming those previous documents were false. On Sunday, Snowden leaked new documents showing that the government coerced him into leaking the previous false documents and the media into publishing them. The new documents are government orders for Snowden to write and publish the earlier documents. They outline the media’s complicity in this endeavor, Snowden’s escape routes to Hong Kong and Russia, and Snowden’s considerable compensation package. Snowden began leaking documents in June and came forward as the leaker shortly after, in a video interview published by The Guardian. Those earlier documents depicted the NSA as a massive spy program whose extensive data collection capabilities violated the law and were hidden from congressional oversight. Now, Snowden is claiming all of that information is false and that the media was in on it the whole time. The domestic protests and foreign relations tensions that resulted, he said, were all part of the plan. “Originally, I was contacted by a

high-ranking official in the Obama administration,” said Snowden. “They wanted us to create panic, something to distract everyone from the real problems going on, specifically the growing income inequality. There’s nothing we can do about that, the official told me. But with this, at least people could have some sort of outlet for all that pent up rage.” A dutiful government employee, Snowden went along with the plan, crafting fake documents detailing a massive spying program before fake fleeing the country on a government plane. “I believed in the goodness of what we were doing. I believed in the nobility of our intentions to free oppressed people,” Snowden said of these prior leaks. During a 3-minute interview that went live Monday, Snowden explained his decision to come clean. “I was increasingly exposed to true information that had not been propagandized in the media [and realized] that we were actually involved in misleading the public,” Snowden said of the change of heart he experienced while in Russia on pretend temporary asylum. Speaking of his decision to fool the public previously, he admitted his own wrongdoing while also claiming he was a “victim” of government coercion and media ma-

Former NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden now claims those earlier disclosure were false nipulation. “Some of these things are actually abuses, and we were actually involved in misleading the public,” said Snowden. These new revelations present both international and domestic issues for the Obama administration, which must now do damage control by depicting Snowden as a troubled traitor without discrediting the previous leaks. “It seems Mr. Snowden has suffered a mental break,” said James R. Clapper, Jr., director of national intelligence. “All that cold Russian air must be getting to him. Those previous disclosures were unfortunate and betrayed national security. These new ones are just a sick cry for attention from a deranged

individual.” Worldwide reaction to Snowden’s latest revelations was mixed. The White House declined to comment, and the Justice Department issued a statement saying they were investigating the matter, although they did not name Snowden specifically. Some in the intelligence community fell just short of calling Snowden a traitor. “This poses a huge risk to national security,” said one CIA analyst, on the condition that his name not be used. “When other countries thought we were spying on them, they were scared. Now,

Continued on page 2 >>

This is the truth. This is what’s happening.

German Chancellor distraught over ‘hurtful’ phone tapping lies Anyone Berlin

Outrage over Edward Snowden’s latest revelations that the NSA spying scandal was a hoax reached new levels today when German chancellor Angela Merkel called out the Obama administration for its “hurtful” agenda. Back in October, a document Snowden now says is false showed that the NSA had monitored Merkel’s phone since 2002. “It hurts my feelings,” Merkel said

at a tearful press conference today. “It was so flattering to think that someone wanted to listen in on my phone conversations, that the US felt I was important enough to spy on. Now my self-esteem has really hit rock bottom.” Merkel spokesman Steffen Seibert has confirmed that Merkel called President Obama last night, condemning the United States for lying about eavesdropping on her phone calls. “She told him what she really thinks unfiltered, now that she

knows he’s not getting that information from her phone,” said Seibert. “She let him know that she thinks he’s a total sauerkraut, just a complete bratwurst who should be ashamed of himself.” The White House issued a statement in response to Merkel’s press conference, calling her accusations “completely unfounded.” “We are eavesdropping on Merkel. Really, I promise you,” said Jay Carney, White House spokesman. “The United States really values our relationship with the German

people, especially Chancellor Merkel,” added Caitlin Hayden, White House National Security Council spokeswoman. “So much so that we’d obviously be monitoring her phone. We consider her a more than worthy subject of our attention. We find her conversations intellectually stimulating, philosophically profound, and just full of all the best gossip. Her texts with Sarcozy – it just doesn’t get juicier than that.” Seibert said Merkel’s call with Obama did not end well after she

Reuters

discovered he was no longer listening. Unnamed sources say Obama was suddenly called to clean up an unwelcome “situation” in the Situation Room courtesy of his dog Bo. Merkel was not amused, explaining that such communication problems between the two countries would be hard to overcome. “It’s like Germany means nothing to him,” Merkel told reporters. “Like I mean nothing to him. Like he doesn’t even care what I have to say. All we do is hear. What happened to just listening?”


Turn static files into dynamic content formats.

Create a flipbook
Issuu converts static files into: digital portfolios, online yearbooks, online catalogs, digital photo albums and more. Sign up and create your flipbook.