The Fake Guardian

Julian Assange Lying is sometimes a necessary means to the truth

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Monday 16.12.13 Published in Ithaca Free

thefakeguardian.com ‘I like being in on the secret.’

Wikileaks editor on why we should still believe Snowden

Julian Assange

Lindsay Mills:I was never Edward Snowden’s Girlfriend.

Edward Snowden: previous NSA leaks were lies

Source behind biggest fake intelligence leak says the government paid him to lie Everyone Moscow

Edward Snowden, the former NSA contractor who made headlines this summer for leaking NSA documents, is now claiming those previous documents were false.

On Sunday, Snowden leaked new documents showing that the government coerced him into leaking the previous false documents and the media into publishing them.

The new documents are government orders for Snowden to write and publish the earlier documents. They outline the media’s complicity in this endeavor, Snowden’s escape routes to Hong Kong and Russia, and Snowden’s considerable compensation package.

Snowden began leaking documents in June and came forward as the leaker shortly after, in a video interview published by The Guardian. Those earlier documents depicted the NSA as a massive spy program whose extensive data collection capabilities violated the law and were hidden from congressional oversight.

Now, Snowden is claiming all of that information is false and that the media was in on it the whole time. The domestic protests and foreign relations tensions that resulted, he said, were all part of the plan.

“Originally, I was contacted by a

high-ranking official in the Obama administration,” said Snowden.

“They wanted us to create panic, something to distract everyone from the real problems going on, specifically the growing income inequality. There’s nothing we can do about that, the official told me.

But with this, at least people could have some sort of outlet for all that pent up rage.”

A dutiful government employee, Snowden went along with the plan, crafting fake documents detailing a massive spying program before fake fleeing the country on a government plane. “I believed in the goodness of what we were doing. I believed in the nobility of our intentions to free oppressed people,” Snowden said of these prior leaks.

During a 3-minute interview that went live Monday, Snowden explained his decision to come clean.

“I was increasingly exposed to true information that had not been propagandized in the media [and realized] that we were actually involved in misleading the public,” Snowden said of the change of heart he experienced while in Russia on pretend temporary asylum.

Speaking of his decision to fool the public previously, he admitted his own wrongdoing while also claiming he was a “victim” of government coercion and media ma-

Former NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden now claims those earlier disclosure were false nipulation. “Some of these things are actually abuses, and we were actually involved in misleading the public,” said Snowden.

These new revelations present both international and domestic issues for the Obama administration, which must now do damage control by depicting Snowden as a troubled traitor without discrediting the previous leaks.

“It seems Mr. Snowden has suffered a mental break,” said James R. Clapper, Jr., director of national intelligence. “All that cold Russian air must be getting to him. Those previous disclosures were unfortunate and betrayed national security. These new ones are just a sick cry for attention from a deranged

individual.”

Worldwide reaction to Snowden’s latest revelations was mixed. The White House declined to comment, and the Justice Department issued a statement saying they were investigating the matter, although they did not name Snowden specifically. Some in the intelligence community fell just short of calling Snowden a traitor.

“This poses a huge risk to national security,” said one CIA analyst, on the condition that his name not be used. “When other countries thought we were spying on them, they were scared. Now,

Continued on page 2 >>

This is the truth. This is what’s happening.

German Chancellor distraught over ‘hurtful’ phone tapping lies Anyone Berlin

Outrage over Edward Snowden’s latest revelations that the NSA spying scandal was a hoax reached new levels today when German chancellor Angela Merkel called out the Obama administration for its “hurtful” agenda.

Back in October, a document Snowden now says is false showed that the NSA had monitored Merkel’s phone since 2002.

“It hurts my feelings,” Merkel said

at a tearful press conference today.

“It was so flattering to think that someone wanted to listen in on my phone conversations, that the US felt I was important enough to spy on. Now my self-esteem has really hit rock bottom.”

Merkel spokesman Steffen Seibert has confirmed that Merkel called President Obama last night, condemning the United States for lying about eavesdropping on her phone calls.

“She told him what she really thinks unfiltered, now that she

knows he’s not getting that information from her phone,” said Seibert.

“She let him know that she thinks he’s a total sauerkraut, just a complete bratwurst who should be ashamed of himself.”

The White House issued a statement in response to Merkel’s press conference, calling her accusations “completely unfounded.” “We are eavesdropping on Merkel. Really, I promise you,” said Jay Carney, White House spokesman.

“The United States really values our relationship with the German

people, especially Chancellor Merkel,” added Caitlin Hayden, White House National Security Council spokeswoman. “So much so that we’d obviously be monitoring her phone. We consider her a more than worthy subject of our attention. We find her conversations intellectually stimulating, philosophically profound, and just full of all the best gossip. Her texts with Sarcozy – it just doesn’t get juicier than that.”

Seibert said Merkel’s call with Obama did not end well after she

Reuters

discovered he was no longer listening. Unnamed sources say Obama was suddenly called to clean up an unwelcome “situation” in the Situation Room courtesy of his dog Bo. Merkel was not amused, explaining that such communication problems between the two countries would be hard to overcome.

“It’s like Germany means nothing to him,” Merkel told reporters.

“Like I mean nothing to him. Like he doesn’t even care what I have to say.

All we do is hear. What happened to just listening?”

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The Fake Guardian | Monday 16 December 2013

News

Julian Assange: Keeping secrets is sometimes ok Just not secrets from him No one London

Speaking from the Ecuadorian embassy in London, Wikileaks founder Julian Assange lamented Edward Snowden’s earlier false NSA leaks but applauded his recent disclosures.

“I was disappointed to learn that those previous leaks were false because it meant I had been fooled, and I hate being fooled,” said the Australian native, who has been granted diplomatic asylum by Ecuador to avoid extradition to Sweden on charges of sexual assault and rape. “Still, the fact that he came forward eventually says something about Snowden’s courage. I’m confident that the truth will emerge in time and that history will remember Snowden favorably.”

This summer, Assange thought he was providing Snowden with necessary legal assistance and funds for his travel and lodging. According to the latest disclosures, however, Snowden was never actually in any real danger, and the United States was already taking care of his travel plans and expenses.

Assange said he was surprised by these latest revelations. Joking that Snowden should reimburse him for the plane ticket, Assange defended Snowden’s earlier lies as the necessary means to a more truthful and transparent end.

“Sometimes, you have to fool people first so that you can tell them

the truth later,” said Assange. “What Snowden did was smart, tricking the government so he could get out of the country first. If he had told the truth while he was still in the US, they would have just thrown him in jail and that would have been the end of that. Now he can keep publishing.”

Everybody New York

Shocked to learn that the government is not monitoring his phone calls or emails, a New York man took desperate measures yesterday. John Doe, 38, was fined for disorderly conduct when he hooked his cell phone to a pair of loudspeakers, blasting his phone conversations live in Union Square.

Park goers expressed profound confusion and annoyance towards Doe, who also handed out business cards with his social security number and credit card information.

“Why would I want to listen to this guy’?” said Tom Jones, 65.

“He’s telling his mom what he ate for breakfast, and I just don’t care.”

Elizabeth Smith, 25, was handed one of Doe’s business cards. “I couldn’t tell if it was a joke. Does he want me to use his credit card to buy stuff? Because I will.”

Doe said he was originally “creeped out like everyone else” when the NSA spying scandal broke this summer. However, over the next few months, he not only came to terms with the alleged mass surveillance program but learned to embrace it.

“I liked knowing that someone was on the other line,” said Doe. “It made me feel important, like I had something to say.”

<<Continued from page 1

You have to fool people first so that you can tell them the truth later.

Even as he applauded Snowden’s actions, Assange expressed disappointment that Snowden lied to him.

“I like being in on the secret before telling everyone else. It’s really Assange addressed reporters from the Ecuadorian embassy. a great feeling. I wish I could have been in on this one too.”

Disappointed gov’t not spying on him, man blasts phone calls in Union Square

Fined for disorderly conduct

Snowden: Gov’t not spying

Prior to the NSA scandal, Doe said his emails and telephone calls were nothing out of the ordinary. “They didn’t reveal terribly much about who I was as a person,” said Doe of his earlier metadata.

However, knowing someone was watching inspired him to be much more open. “It gave me the courage to do things I never would have done before, in the hopes that some NSA employee would find it interesting,” said Doe. “I wrote long emails recounting my entire medical history. I called phone sex lines, mental health lines, you name it.”

Doe said he even devised an elaborate fake terrorist attack in the hopes of getting arrested. To his disappointment, the NSA never picked up on his fake attack. He was not even placed on the no-fly list, something Doe attributes to looking “too American.”

When the earlier spying scandal was revealed as a lie, Doe said he was profoundly shocked and saddened. “Suddenly I felt all alone,” said Doe, who lives with his wife and three children. “If a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it, how do you know it really happened?”

Following his recovery from this profound depression, Doe said he decided to take action. As he explained, “This is a free country.

You’ve got to fight for what you believe in. It’s like the First Amendment or something.”

According to NYPD, Doe will have the opportunity to appeal his disorderly conduct violation, although it is unlikely to be overturned.

AFP

what’s to stop them from launching a long, costly war against us for no reason?”

Russian President Vladimir Putin condemned Snowden’s earlier actions. “It was wrong for him to cooperate with the US government like that, misleading both his own people and countries like ours, which protect human rights and even offered him asylum.”

Still, Putin said Russia would not hand Snowden over to US authorities. “He’s on our side now, even if it took him a while to get there. Now that we know the US definitely isn’t spying on us, we want to keep showing them who’s boss.”

Others were simply confused, not knowing what to believe. A protest was held in Union Square, New York, but quickly disbanded because no one knew what they should be protesting against.

When asked why people should believe him this time, Snowden admitted he worried people wouldn’t. Pressed about the authenticity of these new documents, he responded that he was willing to go on the record to defend them.

“I believe that I didn’t change these,” Snowden said of these new documents. “I didn’t modify the story. This is the truth. This is what’s happening.

NEW WORKS XU YANG

new paintings and projections hartell gallery, sibley hall 12/16 -- 12/20

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The Fake Guardian | Monday 16 December 2013

Culture

Benedict Cumberbatch arrested while promoting film Mistaken for Julian Assange by policeman who watched Fifth Estate Someone London

Benedict Cumberbatch was arrested yesterday when police mistook him for the man he portrayed on screen: Julian Assange.

Sgt. James Miller, the arresting officer, has since issued a public apology to Cumberbatch. In his statement, Miller explained that he could not tell the difference between real life and film.

“It’s hard to tell the difference sometimes. How do I know the Assange I’ve seen on television isn’t just an actor too?” Miller said in his public apology.

The London actor, who first achieved critical success playing the title character on BBC’s “Sherlock,” was promoting his film near the West End when Miller arrested him. Cumberbatch has since publicly accepted Miller’s apology and invited him to a special screening of the film.

“This is the highest praise an actor can receive,” said Cumberbatch, in response to Miller. “In some ways, I see my film portrayal as even realer than the real story. I knew this would be a challenging role. It continues to be a challenging role.”

Directed by Bill Condon, Fifth Estate opened in theaters October 18th and has since received mixed praise from critics and attracted considerable controversy. Assange has called the film a “massive propaganda attack against Cumberbatch played Julian Assange in the controversial film, Fifth Estate.

Wikileaks.”

Lindsay Mills: I was never Edward Snowden’s girlfriend Just wanted to be internet famous Nobody Honolulu

DreamWorks

Lindsay Mills, who became an internet sensation after her alleged boyfriend leaked classified NSA documents and fled the country, is now saying she and Edward Snowden were never a couple.

“What a nerd,” the 28-year-old pole dancer said of Snowden. “I can’t believe people would actually think I was dating such a computer geek who’s into privacy and a bunch of other things I don’t care about.”

Mills said she was initially approached by a government official in March. “They wanted to make Ed seem cooler,” said Mills. “You know, spice up his image a bit – those wire rim glasses certainly weren’t helping. Really cater to the human interest side of things.”

The White House refused to comment on whether Mills was asked to pretend to be Snowden’s girlfriend.

The Maryland Institute College of Art graduate said she was offered internet fame in exchange for pretending to be the girlfriend

Lindsay Mills of Edward Snowden. “I’ve always wanted to be internet famous.

Who doesn’t?” said Mills. “I want people staring at me all the time, hanging on my every word, writing about me, talking about me.

This was a great opportunity, even if it meant people actually thought I was sleeping with a total loser.”

As part of the deal, Mills said she was required to share a home with Snowden in the months leading up to his escape. She said she was required to make multiple public appearances with Snowden and to blog extensively about their fake relationship. That blog, which was taken down after Snowden fled the country, should have been the tip-off, she said.

“If his whole thing is privacy, why would he be with someone who talks about themselves all over the internet?” Mills said.

In a written statement obtained

by The Fake Guardian, Edward Snowden denied Mills’s allegations and expressed concern for her wellbeing.

“I miss my American girlfriend terribly and am sorry for the pain my prolonged absence has caused her. She must be completely heartbroken to lie like this. We had a very loving relationship,” Snowden said.

Since becoming internet famous, Mills said she has been approached by modeling agencies and offered multiple deals for books and movies.