Shun the Shoulds

ISLAND IMPRESSIONS

BY FR. TOM PURDY, RECTOR OF CHRIST CHURCH

Wear sunscreen. Don’t smoke. Order the egg whites. Take your vitamins. Lose 15 pounds. Slow down. Eat more greens. Try half and half tea. Maybe skip the second glass of wine, and certainly the third. Don’t leave your litter on the beach. Get off the couch. Go to church. Keep your head down on your backswing. Get that mole looked at. Read Elegant Island Living. Try the oysters. Use synthetic oil. Switch to decaf. Smell the roses. Advice sure does come in all shapes and sizes.

It seems the world is never short of people willing to offer advice. It comes at us from all directions, some welcomed, some not. Once in a while we solicit it, but often we do not. As advice givers, we typically assume that our experience is paramount and can be – no, should be– applied to others. Some advice is offered to be helpful, and some is offered as passive superiority. Some pieces of advice are more valuable than others. Some advice comes with authority and expertise behind it, while some comes from a sense of selfaggrandizement. Some people pay good money There are certain sources of advice we should generally listen to. The advice that comes from certain vocations is still valuable. Such vocations include doctors, lawyers, accountants, clergy, counselors, mentors, and a few others. Spouses. I almost forgot spouses. Don’t forget spouses! See?! Right there I’m giving advice of my own! In fact, I did something I try not to do: I “should on” you. Sometimes it happens. I often counsel people not to let others “should on” them or not to “should on” themselves, but it’s hard not to on occasion.

There are lots of voices, including our own, that tell us what we should do. What we should look like. What we should wear. What we should eat, drive, play, and think. Where we should live. With whom we should be friends. It goes on and on and on. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed by all the shoulds in our lives. If we find that we’re doing something because someone else tells we should, we may not be acting in a way that is authentic to our true selves, which can be very unhealthy.

Let’s be clear though. Shoulding is not always what is happening when someone tells us something we might consider. When our doctor says we need to eat differently to bring our cholesterol down, she’s not shoulding on us, she’s telling us how to live longer and healthier—the thing we’re paying her to do. When the church or the law proscribes a list of “shall-nots,”it’s not shoulding in the sense I worry about, because there is a place and a reason for commands a society or culture needs to follow. I’m thinking more of the messages that advertising sends to our young women about how they should look, or how movies and television can glorify the way men treat women, ways that aren’t respectful or loving, or even how our desire for more of everything we think we should have keeps us from being more generous. Sometimes such shoulding is subtle and sometimes not; either way it’s quite effective.

One of the only ways I know to avoid getting buried under shoulds is to be secure in who we are, and comfortable with our place in the world. We often have to reach a place of self-understanding and grounding that allows us to stand firm in the knowledge that we are whole and loved as we are; that our worth is not based on some outside measuring stick we can’t ever live up to. In my vocation, I get to help people work through their shoulds to hear that they are loved by God for who they are; not that they are perfect, but that they are enough. It’s an important step in finding true grounding. I get to remind people that we were created for something unique and special. We may need some advice and shepherding along the way, but not the kind that diminishes us in the process. The best advice is the kind that makes life better, healthier, more whole, and redeems our failures.

Be careful what shoulds you listen to, and be wary of what they tell you. Some of them may actually be useful and helpful, while others might be more destructive than we realize. I have lots of advice I could give, like why you should visit my congregation, or why you should consider giving up processed sugar, or even where you should go to find the best burger on the island (there are a lot of “bests” in this issue!), but I won’t. Not beyond this: You shouldn’t listen to every should in your life. See what I did there? I did it again.

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