RECHARGE! Oct'2012

RECHARGE! Positive – Powerful – Practical

Issue #11 October 2012

Rob Archer shares why Career Paralysis

happens and what you can do to get out of it. p. 46

Q&A with Put Yourself Dave in NEUTRAL Ramsey p. 28 p. 39

What’s Your SUGAR Story? p. 14

Everyone Wants to Move Forward Now, you can learn HOW YOU CAN is a book of HOW . . . specifically how to improve your personal performance and achievement.

In this groundbreaking new book, renown peak performance expert John Von Achen walks you through a proven methodology guaranteed to help you reach your maximum potential.

There is no hype in this book, no filler and no excuses. Only solutions for how YOU CAN produce better results in everything you are doing.

Meet the Author One word describes John Von Achen, RESULTS! John Von Achen is one of the most respected thought leaders and peak performance experts in the world today. He has become a legend when it comes to helping individuals and organizations achieve their maximum growth, performance and profitability.

Known as an inspiring, forward thinking business leader, John Von Achen has consistently provided his clients “real world” solutions they can transfer into immediate results.

Learn more at www.youcan2012.com/

Founder of SOLDLAB.com and SOLD Magazine John Von Achen Editor-in-Chief Helen Bereschinova Copy Editor Oleg Vetoshnikov Designer Lev Kamyshev Cover story: Rob Archer Contributors: Amanda Gore, Jeremy McCarthy, Dan Waldschmidt, Mike Reeves-McMillan, Tara Sophia Mohr, Debbie Mandel, Anne Lyken-Garner, Jae Berman, Donal Suter, Rachael Fennell, Colleen Langenfeld, Kelly Gurnett, Anne-Sophie Reinhardt, Fabian Kruse, Camille Preston, Paul H. Burton COLUMNISTS: Anne Bachrach, Shirley Garrett, Dave Ramsey, Ellen Rogin, Dana Lightman, Nathan Feiles, Kimanzi Constable Owned and Operated by CENTE MEDIA, LLC. 1800 Pembrook Dr Ste 300 Orlando, Florida 32810 2012 OCTOBER І 3

OCTOBER 2012 Mindset 06 Spiritual Wellness 09 Ignore It All 10

The Difference Between Positive Thinking and Positive Psychology

12

How (and Why) to Let Go of Emotions

Health 14 My Sugar Story 17 Are You a Picky Eater? Or Just a Supertaster?

18 Key Vitamins: Who Needs What in Your Family 20 Are You Making Yourself Sick Trying

to be Healthy?

Wealth 22

Lessons from a Wealth Creation Giant

25

Investing... a second language?

28

Dave Says. Q&A with America's Leading Personal Finance Expert

30 Think Right about Your Money.

Turn Scarcity into Abundance

Do you 4 І OCTOBER 2012

to move forward?

RECHARGE! Content

Social 32 The Truth Behind Parenting Teenagers.

And other effective parenting teenager strategies 36

Positive Directions for Life.

What Men want Women to Understand

39

No More Difficult People. Put Yourself in Neutral

42

The Counseling Corner. The Relationship Dream List

Career 46

Stuck in a Career You Hate. Career Paralysis: what is it, why does it happen and what you can do to get out of it 50 How to Become the Go-To Guy (or Gal)

in Your Office 52

Invest in Yourself

54 Tales of Life. How Will You Spend

Those Forty Hours a Week?

Performance 56 The friendly anarchist… at Work.

with Srinivas Rao from Blogcast FM and The Skool of Life 60

5 Strategies to Minimize Distractions and Maximize Productivity

62

Accelerate Your Results!

Are You a Procrastinator?

64

Spaghetti on a Plate. Harded-Coded Time Vs. Soft-Coded Time

More than just tweets Follow @Recharge365 on 2012 OCTOBER І 5

RECHARGE!

Mindset

Spiritual Wellness 6 І OCTOBER 2012

RECHARGE! Mindset

Stress is inevitable, struggle is optional!

I

I first heard this saying years ago and as I was walking through the park one morning, preparing for this article, it popped into my mind! And of course it is the essence of what I think about spirituality!

Most people hear the word spiritual and immediately think of religion. But I think of it in a very different way – I think spirituality is about our 'spirit'; that part of us that gives us our zest for life, our playfulness and enthusiasm. It's the part of us which makes us whole when we live from it and it keeps us connected to ourselves, to others and to whatever universal energy there is. It allows us to be 'in the flow' of what's happening to us which takes away the effort and struggle.

Now, before you stop reading this, muttering 'that's it, she's finally gone cosmic", think about the number of elite athletes who say their best performances are when they are 'in the zone', or 'in the flow' and recall the number of books written on performance that describe the optimum state to attain is 'in the zone or flow'.

Athletes or authors report that when they achieve this state or reach this space (substitute with words that make sense to you) whatever they are doing just seems to flow easily. There is no effort, no fatigue and very often, no time.

Cricketers talk about seeing the ball (travelling at 200 kph) coming towards them in slow motion. They can even see the seam on the ball!

Our spirit is something that we rarely consider – until we have lost it. The symptoms of a lost spirit can be depression, loneliness, emptiness, a feeling of

disconnectedness and isolation, confusion, unhappiness, sadness, anger or frustration, numbness.

A healthy, nurtured spirit means we feel alive – we vibrate with energy and vitality and a sense of excitement about living. We are generally content, peaceful, calm, joyful and we feel supported – even when we are not surrounded by people.

How do we, in a society driven by speed and a desire to be doing something at all times, reconnect with our spirits? I say reconnect because as children we are our spirits! Watch and play with a toddler for a couple of hours and you will have the best lesson in how to find your spirit.

Being still is one of the best ways to find your spirit and it's a skill many of us have forgotten! We are so busy frantically rushing around that when we are just being still and catching our breath, or letting our souls catch up with our bodies, we feel guilty!

We need to practice physical and mental stillness. The physical is relatively easy – find a peaceful, beautiful and soothing place – a garden, a sunny spot, stop the car where there is a gorgeous view, or maybe it's a place inside you, a favourite childhood hideaway – and just stay there. Resist the urge to do anything. Observe what is around you. Really see and feel the beauty of the flowers, trees, clouds or sky. And notice what happens to your body as it slows down and you can (finally) breathe easily.

You may be surprised that your mind follows by becoming still and you have a sense of clarity. 

2012 OCTOBER І 7

We need to practice physical and mental stillness This feeling of clarity around how you really feel or think, is a great sign of being in touch with your spirit – that inner you that is full of wisdom and peace. It's the same feeling the athletes experience when they are in 'the zone'. It's a 'knowing' – somehow you just know the truth about situations or what you need to do or how you feel or think.

Another powerful way to practice mental stillness is to meditate.

Which does not require you to do a way out woo woo sort of cosmic thing...man. It's a word that is used to describe a deep state of relaxation in which our brain waves change. When we are awake our brain waves roll along at a fast pace; when we sleep they are slower but the slowest waves occur during meditation.

It is this level of waves that we can heal ourselves. There are many published scientific studies that have shown (amongst lots of other beneficial findings) that the immune system is dramatically boosted when we meditate – which in turn resists and cures disease.

There are places you can go to learn to meditate – Transcendental meditation centres if you have a lot of money; lifestyle centres, adult education classes.

Or you can read books or buy audio tapes that will guide you through a meditation, often using visualisation. Or you can just find a quiet place and focus on your breathing for 20 minutes. Twice a day is ideal but if you can only manage once, it's still much better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick!

The following technique is one of the most powerful and beneficial.

Not to mention it's cheap and simple!

8 І OCTOBER 2012

Imagine your breath flowing into and out of your body via your stomach area; give it a colour of your life and remember, it's natural for your mind to keep shooting out stray thoughts! The trick to meditation is to notice the thought your mind has just sent out, think 'that's interesting' and immediately and gently bring your attention back to your breath and the flow of the breath. It's a sort of training for your mind to do only one thing at once.

And it will help you find your lost spirit!

Some people will never learn anything because they grasp everything too soon. Wisdom, after all, is not a station you arrive at but a manner of travelling. If you travel too fast you will miss the scenery.

To know exactly where you are headed may be the best way to go astray. Not all those who loiter are lost. ~ Anthony de Mello

by Amanda Gore

Amanda Gore A communications and performance expert, Amanda Gore uses latest research in neuroscience, positive psychology, epigenetics, and emotional intelligence, to help business leaders achieve the results they need by getting people engaged in, enthusiastic about and aligned with conference and corporate goals and vision. And by creating joyful workplaces that lead to better performance.

Amanda Gore© www.thejoyproject.com; www.amandagore.com

RECHARGE! Mindset Ignore the hate you hear.

Ignore the confusion others create.

Ignore the urge to be trendy.

Ignore the competition.

Ignore immediacy.

Ignore what look like shortcuts.

Ignore other people’s selfish intentions.

Ignore mean people.

Ignore your doubts.

Ignore your paranoia.

Ignore unkindness to you.

Ignore distractions. Ignore your fear.

Ignore misplaced passion.

Ignore It All

Ignore the beliefs of others.

Ignore the pressure to give in.

Ignore the easy way.

Ignore the chaos.

Ignore your thoughts of inadequacy.

Ignore past failures. Ignore threats to your dignity.

Ignore

Ignore angry criticism.

Ignore the panic you start to feel.

Ignore easy investments.

Ignore it all.

Everything. But the path you are creating ahead.

Ignore anything that distracts you from achieving your ambitious plans for doing something amazing.

You have to. It’s a survival game. It’s either you or the distractions around you.

There is only room for one. What you can’t ignore will cripple you. Will kill you.

And that’s not acceptable. That’s not OK.

the actions of rude people.

Ignore anger.

Ignore their opinions.

Ignore your need to be right.

Ignore the possibility that you’re not enough.

down the radio, and unsubscribe from media that cloud your vision of the future with anger and fear and panic.

Any other choice and you lose. And you don’t get a redo. You don’t get a second chance to refocus.

You just have the ashes of vitriol and spite. You’ve destroyed what could have been.

When instead the better option was clear.

Ignore it all.

Will you?

RE by Dan Waldschmidt

Ignore it all.

That’s your choice. You have to shut off the TV, turn

Dan Waldschmidt Dan Waldschmidt is partner in a private equity technology accelerator and a former technology CEO. He is an early-early-early adopter of game-changing technology. He blogs regularly on his motivational selling blog Edge of Explosion. E-mail: dan@danwaldschmidt.com or call

202.730.9730

2012 OCTOBER І 9

The Difference Between Positive Thinking and Positive Psychology “The Power of Positive Thinking” was a landmark book by Norman Vincent Peale that came out in 1952. The idea of positive thinking grew in the 70s and has continued to be a popular new age prescription as a way of handling whatever happens to be ailing you.

T

he positive thinking movement continues to be strong today, culminating in recent years with the massive success of “The Secret” a book and movie which prescribes tapping into the “law of attraction” to attract good things in your life simply by thinking about them.

In the last decade, we have also seen the growth of positive psychology, a new branch of mental science which looks at the sunnier side of life (the study of human flourishing.) Positive psychology focuses on positive aspects of wellbeing including (but not limited to) positive emotions, happiness, hope, optimism and other constructs that relate to the idea of positive thinking.

To the uninformed, it would be easy to assume that positive psychology and positive thinking are strongly related. Some might even say, “Finally,

10 І OCTOBER 2012

science is proving what we have always thought to be true about positive thinking.” But this is not exactly the case. While positive thinking and positive psychology may be related, they are more like third cousins than twin brothers. And anyone who uses one or the other would be benefited by understanding the differences: Philosophical orientation: Positive thinking begins with the assumption that positive thinking is good for you. This is often based on personal or anecdotal experience and then extrapolated to other aspects of life as a general prescription for a better life. Positive psychology begins with scientific inquiry.

Positive psychology takes some of those assumptions about positive thinking and says, “Let’s test them” to see where they hold true or don’t. 

RECHARGE! Mindset Positive thinking proponents, for example, argue that positivity is a powerful factor in our health and recovery from illness. Positive psychology has also found a strong link between happiness and health but seeks to understand the limitations of this relationship.

Positive emotions seem to help more with prevention than with cure, and more with lifestyle illnesses than with genetic or environmental ones.

Positive emotions help build our social support network, encourage more positive lifestyle choices and buffer us from the negative health impacts of stress. But there are many serious health issues that positive emotions have little impact on. In fact, too much optimism could discourage people from seeking the treatment they need. Positive psychology is about using the scientific method to understand these nuances.

Positivity ratios: Positive thinking generally promotes the “more is better” approach to positivity.

Some proponents of positive thinking would argue that if you don’t have the wealth, health or happiness you want out of life, it’s because you allowed some negativity to creep in. Only by shutting these thoughts out and focusing on the positive can you be successful.

Positive psychology on the other hand, is about understanding the purpose of positive emotions and understanding the different contexts when they may prove valuable. Positive psychology is also interested in negative emotions when they help us to flourish in our lives. Barbara Fredrickson, for example, a researcher who specializes in positive emotions, has found an ideal ratio of 3 positive emotions to every 1 negative emotion for human flourishing. 3:1, not 3:0.

Many researchers in positive psychology are studying the benefits of mindfulness, which means accepting both positive and negative emotions (in whatever ratio they happen to exist) and then acting consciously, while staying true to personal values and goals. These researchers argue for the importance of a meaningful life over a happy one.

Definitions of optimism: positive thinking eschews an optimistic outlook even when one isn’t warranted by the situation. Proponents will suggest “affirmations” for example, where people are told to say out loud things they wish to be true, even if they aren’t (e.g.

“I make a million dollars a year!”) Positive psychology studies why optimism is sometimes beneficial (and sometimes not.) Psychology researchers don’t generally promote uninhibited optimism in all situations.

As Martin Seligman, the author of Learned Optimism, says, “you don’t want the pilot who is de-icing the wings of your plane to be an optimist.” Another psychologist, Sandra Schneider, promotes “realistic optimism,” which is a matter of trying to realistically get to the truth of a matter, but where ambiguity lies in the meaning of a situation, favor the more positive assumption that will bring you greater mental wellbeing.

Another researcher Acacia Parks says that the positive psychology brand of optimism is not about being positive all the time but about “entertaining the possibility that things could work out.” The benefit of optimism comes from being open to it, not from blindly following it even when it makes no sense to do so.

The reality is, much of what the positive thinking movement has proposed has shown some validity, and this is why people do get benefit out of reading The Secret or attending Tony Robbins’ seminars. Barbara Fredrickson has identified “upward spirals” to show how our positive emotions tend to reverberate off of those around us, sustaining and amplifying their benefits. And Martin Seligman has studied the benefits of favoring more optimistic thinking styles. But positive thinking is a one-note song that falls flat in certain situations, while positive psychology is about understanding the rich complexity of the positive side of life.

“What Isn’t Positive Psychology.”

References and recommended reading: Fredrickson, B. (2009). Positivity: Groundbreaking Research Reveals How to Embrace the Hidden Strength of Positive Emotions, Overcome Negativity, and Thrive. Crown Archetype.

Peale, N. V. (1996). The Power of Positive Thinking.

Ballantine Books.

by Jeremy McCarthy

Jeremy McCarthy Jeremy McCarthy is the Director of Global Spa Operations and Development at Starwood Hotels and Resorts. He is the author of The Psychology of Spas & Wellbeing and hosts a blog at http:// psychologyofwellbeing.com. He holds a master degree in Applied Positive Psychology from University of Pennsylvania and teaches a course in Positive Leadership for Spas and Hospitality for the UC Irvine Spa and Hospitality Management program.

2012 OCTOBER І 11

How (and Why) to Let Go of Emotions Don’t choke don’t choke don’t choke…

As we all know, thoughts like that lead inevitably to choking. Why? Because trying to suppress a thought gives it power. It’s like pushing against a spring. The harder you push, the more force it pushes back with.

I was reminded of this recently by a post on PsyBlog: 8 Ironic Effects of Thought Suppression. It’s not just thoughts of failure this happens with. Whether you’re trying not to be attracted to someone or not to mention a secret, trying not to be depressed or trying to fall asleep, the harder you try, the more you fail.

Psychocybernetics

Back in the 1960s, Maxwell Maltz had an explanation for this. His book Psychocybernetics (which is excellent, by the way) talks about your mind as a guided missile, heading for the goals you present to it most vividly.

So when you’re trying to think unsexy thoughts, guess what happens?

Your mind heads straight for what you are so vividly imagining.

Suppressing thoughts takes effort

Of course, we can suppress thoughts to a certain degree. But it does take effort. A study in Biological Psychology led by Philippe R. Goldin used brain scans to investigate the difference between two strategies for dealing with distressing thoughts: expressive repression (that is, keeping a “stiff upper lip” and not showing your distress), and cognitive reappraisal (changing the way you think about the distressing situation). Expressive repression was less effective – and took more mental effort.

And this is why it’s harder to suppress thoughts when we’re tired. A pattern I’ve noticed with the people who come to me for help in changing the way they eat goes like this: In the early part of the day, even up to the afternoon, they eat healthily. But when they get home from work, they head for the junk food and undo all their good work.

12 І OCTOBER 2012

One likely reason is that they’re tired, and the thoughts they’ve been suppressing all day about how good some chocolate would taste have become stronger than their ability to control them.

How not to be a (thought-suppression) hero

So, if the battle against thoughts we don’t want to think is doomed to failure, what can we do instead?

We can think the thoughts and then let them go.

Both parts are equally important. Thinking the thoughts (which you’ve actually been doing anyway while you were trying to suppress them) brings them out into the clear light of day and gives our rationality time to kick in. Particularly for thoughts that hold a strong emotional charge, we respond emotionally before we respond rationally, and if we instantly react by pushing the thoughts down again, all we’re doing is winding ourselves up emotionally. We’re never thinking about the thoughts.

Often, when you think about a thought, it becomes obvious that it’s a stupid thought and you don’t really want to act on it. How often have you done something stupid and said, “I didn’t think that all the way through?”

Think your thoughts all the way through. Say you’re attracted to someone inappropriate, for example. Let yourself think about that. Y our mind will come up with all the reasons that the attraction is inappropriate and the relationship couldn’t work.

The feeling, of course, will very likely still be there.

And this is where the letting go comes in.

Letting thoughts and feelings go

If you’ve been reading my stuff for any length of time you probably know what’s coming next. Yes, it’s the Welcoming Practice. It’s such a good one that I keep teaching it at every opportunity.

First, notice how the feeling is in your body.

Where is it located? What is it like? Is it warm, cool, tight, loose? Become aware of it as a body sensation. This simultaneously connects you to it and 

RECHARGE! Mindset

Trying to suppress a thought gives it power

distances you from it – it’s like letting the thought come into consciousness. It stops the suppression and your attempts to ignore it, but it also gives you enough space to look at it from the outside instead of being carried along in it.

Second, name and acknowledge the feeling.

Naming it sets up a circuit between the “feeling” and “rational” parts of your brain and starts to siphon off the activation of the “feeling” part. In the classic Welcoming Practice, you actually say “Welcome, [name of feeling]”, hence the name of the practice. You’re acknowledging the feeling as a part of yourself, as a genuine reaction. You’re not trying to push it away any more. (You’re not, of course, welcoming the situation that led to the feeling, which may be quite harmful and wrong.)

Take your time over each step. When you’re ready, the third step is to gently let the feeling go. Allow its activation to subside, without having led to any action. You might even make a mental or physical gesture of letting something go from your hand. I usually take a deep breath and let it slowly out as I let go of the feeling.

Now you can move on with your life.

Practicing the Welcoming Practice

You may have to keep letting the thoughts and feelings go for a while before they stop bothering you.

That’s OK. It’s no more effort than you were spending suppressing them, after all, and that wasn’t working, whereas letting them go will.

So take a moment right now to set yourself a mental alarm. Take a few deep breaths, relax in your chair, close your eyes and tell yourself, “When I’m suppressing a thought or feeling, I notice and remember what to do. I think the thought and let the feeling go.”

For extra effectiveness, write that down and put it somewhere you’re going to see it frequently.

I think you’ll be surprised by the results.

RE by Mike Reeves-McMillan

Mike Reeves-McMillan As a hypnotherapist and health coach, Mike Reeves-McMillan works with people who want to change, not just to “fix” their lives but to lift them to a new level.

He also loves providing resources, passing on key knowledge and simple techniques to improve health and wellbeing. He does that by creating online courses and providing one-on-one sessions in person and on Skype. Visit his website: www.hypno.co.nz

2012 OCTOBER І 13

RECHARGE!

Health My Sugar

Story 14 І OCTOBER 2012

RECHARGE! Health

I’m a woman who can’t handle sugar.

You know how an alcoholic just can’t stop drinking? That’s me with sugar. For me, there has never been chewing one piece of gum. There is only chewing through the whole pack in an afternoon – or an hour.

F

or me, there never has been such a thing as eating one cookie. There is only eating several, and then looking into an empty package, bewildered, about how this could have happened – again.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then trust that I have a different response to insulin than you.

In 2005, finding myself at the utter mercy of sugar, I gave it up, along with white flour and other foods that, when I started eating, I couldn’t really stop.

I made a commitment to let go of the substances that messed with my state of being, and to start eating in a way that supported the life I wanted to lead.

For the past seven years I’ve been entirely off refined sugar (and its buddies like honey and agave), and with a handful of exceptions, off of white flour too. (Yes, I eat fruit.)

I haven’t written about this, because, it’s a topic littered with land mines and one that deserves so much care. I don’t want to set up any more “shoulds” for women around food, but giving it up has been a big part of my journey.

What are the lessons I have learned from my sugar story that might be of use to you? What have I learned from my letting go of a substance that didn’t serve me, and from figuring out, day to day over seven years, how to keep living free of it?

 learned to be my own authority. I had to find the quiet, mature woman inside of me who could make a decision about what really worked for

her body – whether or not her doctor, her friends, or her culture understood. I had to experiment my way to my own treatment regimen.

 learned SELF-DISCIPLINE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Trying to quit via self-discipline never worked – in fact, thinking that my eating could be impacted by self-discipline was what kept me stuck in the addictive cycle for years.

 So if it wasn’t self-discipline that led me to say “no,” what was it? This trifecta: a magical combination of 1) knowing the pain of the old way 2) deep, to-the-floor-of-me-self-love and 3) supportive new structures and routines in my life.

Most of the important changes in my life have come because the pain of the old way swelled and rose up like a tight knot in my chest. Out of pain, I began to be open to change.

And yet, something met the suffering, and it was selfcare, self-love. There came a moment when I clearly felt, “Honey, I don’t want to you to go through this anymore. You deserve better.” This isn’t about affirmations.

We need to actually feel that deep self-love that comes up like a wave and, with its fierce energy, pushes us past our habitual ways into the new unknown.

But all the self-love in the world wouldn’t have mattered if I didn’t manifest it by giving myself the lifestyle changes and supports that made the actual behavior change possible.

Here’s what I mean. I had turned to sugar when I was exhausted, so I found that to stay off of it, I had 

2012 OCTOBER І 15

You can’t make positive behavior change without vast self-love to immediately develop a more sane work schedule – with breaks and less extreme hours. I needed to learn to sleep more, both at night and with a previously unknown to me practice known as napping.

And, I had turned to sugar instead of processing difficult emotions, so I needed to make new regular routines of journaling about what was happening in my life or calling friends to talk about it. I needed to take more time to process my life if I wasn’t going to need a substance to help me numb out.

That was and is the magical trifecta:  knowing the pain of the old way  deep self-love  supportive structures and routines Notice that self-discipline is nowhere on the list.

People often ask me if, after seven years, I miss desserts or sandwiches, or jam on toast. Did I miss not tasting wedding cake at my wedding? Nope. I asked the caterer to put some figs – my favorite fruit – next

16 І OCTOBER 2012

to the cake, but to be honest, I forgot to taste them because I was too busy dancing with the dearest people in my life.

That’s a pretty good metaphor for how this whole thing has played out.

In the end, foods are material things, and material things are nothing compared to the riches of self-actualization.

Now, a few important notes on all this, since this is such a tricky topic: I don’t want you to give up sugar. I’m not trying to convert a population here. I am so happy many people can enjoy it in moderation and, frankly, I hope I come back in my next lifetime as one of them. I look forward to the root beer floats.

But everyone has substances or behaviors in their lives – whether obsessive internet social media stuff or green tea lattes or shopping – that take you away from your sober, clear minded, autonomous self, that take you away from bright joy and from creating what you really want to create while you are here on earth.

I want to invite you to set healthy boundaries around those things. I want you to ask yourself, What would I do differently in relation to that substance, if I was making a grand embrace of myself and the life I want to lead?

And I want you to remember you can’t make positive behavior change without vast self-love and supportive new structures in your life.

I also want you to know, that, in my opinion, this article is not enough to help you quit your x. So please don’t try to do it based solely on this and then feel bad if you fail. This article is my story, with an invitation to start thinking about this topic as it manifests in your own life. If it strikes a major chord, I’ll see what more I can share or what resources I can recommend. .

by Tara Sophia Mohr

Tara Sophia Mohr Tara Sophia Mohr is a writer, coach and personal growth teacher who helps people live more authentic and compassionate lives. Tara received her MBA from Stanford University and her undergraduate degree in English Literature from Yale. You can read more at Tara’s blog, Wise Living or find her on twitter @tarasophia.

RECHARGE! Health

Are You a Picky Eater?

Or Just a Supertaster?

For the first 20-ish years of my life I did not eat a vegetable. No joke. I ate bread, cereal, chicken, iceberg lettuce with a lot of vinegar and as many gummy candies that I could get my hands on. Perfect diet for a future dietitian right? My mom told me I was a picker eater like her and I agreed since all foods sounded pretty gross. Then for some reason which I am still a little unclear on, I started getting more and more interested in food and nutrition. I actually started my graduate degree in Nutrition and Physiology not really liking vegetables. Ridiculous, but very true.

So what happened? Why now do I love all veggies and will eat just about anything? During my second year at school I learned about supertasters, which are genetically picky eaters. The taste buds of a supertaster are so sensitive that most foods are such an explosion of flavor in their mouth that they are drawn to more bland foods. I was convinced this was me! However, I took the test and I was not a supertaster. What gives? After thinking it through, I finally figured out that my mom is a supertaster ( I made her take the test) and growing up I did whatever she did. She only liked bland foods so I followed her footsteps and only ate what she ate. If she didn’t eat something I wouldn’t touch it. Pretty crazy how behaviors can affect your entire life and perspective.

Are you a supertaster? You can get yourself tested by buying a kit. The test is simple. If you are a supertaster putting this piece of paper on your tongue will taste horrible, while those of us who do not have hyper sensitive taste buds will simply think it tastes like paper.

Do you hate vegetables? Do you have specific food aversions and feel badly that you do not eat a healthy diet? Do not give up hope! Take the time to figure out how to make it work for you. Try a few foods cooked in different ways and discover what you can eat that will taste decent and will allow you to eat a healthy, balanced diet. My mom had to do the work – we figured out what vegetables and proteins she can eat and created a wonderful plan for her. She is doing great and I am so proud of her!

Anyone can change! Please know that. Do you have a child that literally will only eat sugar? They are not destined for unhealthy food habits. It may take 20 times of incorporating a food into the family meal for them to like it but you can change the eating habits of your kids. It takes awareness, determination and a tantrum or two (for the child or maybe the parent!) but we all can eat in a way that is nutritious, balanced and tastes good for us.

There is hope for all of us! Phew!

by Jae Berman

Jae Berman Jae's diverse background and extensive education in nutrition and exercise provide her with the unique ability to implement simple strategies and useful tools to create powerful results. In addition to heading Jae Berman Nutrition, Jae serves as the Regional Registered Dietitian of The San Francisco Bay Club. In addition, she is a Certified Specialist Sports Dietitian, certified ACSM Health Fitness Specialist and has been a personal trainer, yoga teacher and Pilates instructor for eight years. Her specialties include nutrition for weight loss, wellness, sports nutrition, cardiovascular nutrition, digestive disorders, eating disorders and blood glucose control. Learn more at: www.jaebermannutrition.com

2012 OCTOBER І 17

Key V tamins: Who Needs What in Your Family A list of some vitamins and minerals targeted especially for the different members of your family in terms of age group.

A balanced diet is definitely the way to go when it comes to healthy eating. Taking supplements should never be the end-all or cure-all for your family’s nutritional needs. Giving your family a large variety of foods should supply all the vitamins/minerals they need for good health, strong bones, alert brains and generous energy supply.

We all know that it’s difficult to maintain this ideal for long periods of time. Weekend lapses, sickness, being too busy, or general family life can come between us and good nourishment. This is why taking supplements can be very useful indeed. Below is a list of some of the main nutrients the different members of your family require, based on their age.

Toddlers and pre-school kids Vitamin A, C, D and E. These serve as a solid foundation in supplying needed nutrients for a small child. They take care of growing bones, eyes, the brain, the muscles, and give vital energy for all the running around they get up to.

Milk, vegetables, fruit and potatoes have vitamins A and C. Vitamins D and E are found in fish and fortified cereals, nuts and soya.

School age kids  Along with the vitamins listed above, kids of this age can benefit from Omega oils, especially those who have a hard time concentrating on their school work. It’s hard to get children to eat oily fish, but vitamin D is vital for proper brain activity and growing muscles. In order to cope with the pressures of homework, P.E etc, give children a boost by making sure they have a regular intake of A, C, D and E vitamins.

Teenagers Children are now growing rapidly and the body is making several new demands on them.

Active hormones mean that the skin may be showing signs of over-active oily glands.

School work is more pressuring and life in general is hitting them from all sides. Rapid growth takes its toll on their bones. Teeth are also settling down, and the child may even be wearing braces at this stage. Calcium suddenly becomes extremely important, as their stores of childhood calcium may be running down. Unfortunately, kids stop drinking milk at this crucial time. They need a regular dose of calcium and magnesium to stay healthy, so provide lots of milk and dairy products and consider giving a calcium/magnesium supplement. 

18 І OCTOBER 2012

RECHARGE! Health Mum  It’s time to pay attention to the way the body changes at this time. Cells may be affected by free radicals, which can cause cancer and other illnesses. Skin starts to age and the body attempts to run down on itself.

Lycopene is an antioxidant which can combat both conditions. It will fight free radicals and improve skin condition. Lycopene is found in strawberries and (especially) tomatoes.

Eat these several times a week.

A supplement won’t hurt either.

Dad Men typically work and play hard. The bones have already started to condense and the joints are apt to be affected by regular sports etc. Glucosamine is a substance made naturally in the body but supplies may dwindle with age. In this case, a glucosamine supplement will help to maintain good health where the bones and joints are concerned.

It will build up healthy stores for the coming years ahead.

Grandma Her supplies of the healthy oils she had as a young woman would be lacking at this age. Free radicals can attack in the absence of healthy anti-oxidants to fight them off. Lycopene is still very important for an older woman and so is lutein, which is great for eyes and joints (comes in handy when knitting for the grandkids).

A good supply of green and yellow vegetables like spinach and sweet corn are great sources of lutein.

by Anne Lyken-Garner

Granddad With age, the body’s ability to produce certain enzymes diminishes. Co-enzyme Q10 is a good example of this. Whole meal bread and broccoli are great sources, and should always be on the older man’s shopping list.

Anne Lyken-Garner Anne Lyken-Garner - a regular online agony aunt - is a freelance writer, blogger and editor. She writes for, and manages 4 blogs and edited The Writers Bureau online student magazine for 2 years. She specialises in confidence-building and relationships. Anne is also author of Sunday's Child, (out later in Spring) the inspiring, true tale of a little girl struggling to rise above appalling living conditions, poverty, violence and abuse. Visit her blogs at www.getconfidence. net and www.myrelationshipsupermarket.com for more information and to connect with her.

2012 OCTOBER І 19

Are You Making Yourself Sick Trying to be Healthy?

T

he quest for health could be a fulltime occupation. Eat this, drink that or take this pill. In fact Dr. Steven Bratman coined a term for the obsession with healthy eating - orthorexia. Some people are so stressed about living healthy that they forget to live. Psychiatrists haven’t made up their minds if this is an official illness. Can something good for you really be bad?

Medical studies periodically change their minds, like eat broccoli and you won’t get cancer and while it’s great to eat broccoli, it doesn’t seem to ward off cancer. Or severely restricting calories will help you live longer. However, contradictory studies claim that when you age, if you weigh too little as a senior, your risk for illness increases.

Here are some seemingly healthy actions which could actually turn out to be unhealthy: You want to lose weight because obesity can drive metabolic syndrome. So, you eat sweet diet foods to cut calories. These foods often have artificial sugars which actually create sugar cravings triggering a hunger for more calories. You are better off having naturally sweet foods without the deprivation that fuels bingeing.

Exercise is great for mind and body. So, if an hour is good, three or four must be better. Wrong! This sets you up for depression, fatigue, overworked muscles and joints ripe for injury and you might end up looking flabbier!

Sleeping is good for vitality, appetite suppression, repairing cells and learning new material. Therefore getting more sleep must be better. However, too much sleep could be a sign of depression and some studies claim

that it predisposes some people to diabetes, heart disease and an increased risk of death.

Water is great, so drinking a lot of water flushes out toxins. However, imbibing too much water and not eating can set you up for fainting/dizziness, a cardiovascular episode, even death. If you are drinking a lot of water because you are exercising in the heat, include a sports drink to replenish electrolytes.

All red meat is bad. Actually, lean red meat can provide people with high quality protein, iron, zinc, Vitamin B 12, phosphorus, energy and satiety to prevent hunger and those munchies. Processed red meats like deli and hot dogs are unhealthy - all meats are not created equal.

Cleaning your house with anti-bacterial cleansers. Some doctors prophesy super- resistant bacteria because of the casual use of antibacterial products. A little dirt is good for you – it wakes up the immune system.

Vitamins and supplements help you live longer.

In fact, some supplements have toxic lead in them or can cause an anti-oxidant overdose, increasing your risk for mortality. Get your nutrition from fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, complex carbohydrates and take a supplement if your doctor has tested you and found you to be deficient. Vitamin D is popular now. Did you know that exposing some skin to the sun is the most efficient way to get D at least in the summer? In the winter get tested if you live in colder Northern regions.

Stress in itself is an inflammatory process. Stressing about healthy living is self-defeating.

by Debbie Mandel

Debbie Mandel Debbie Mandel, MA is the author of Addicted to Stress: A Woman's 7 Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life, Changing Habits: The Caregivers' Total Workout and Turn On Your Inner Light: Fitness for Body, Mind and Soul, a stress-reduction specialist, motivational speaker, a personal trainer and mind/body lecturer. She is the host of the weekly Turn On Your Inner Light Show on WGBB AM1240 in New York City , produces a weekly wellness newsletter, and has been featured on radio/ TV and print media. To learn more visit: www.turnonyourinnerlight.com

20 І OCTOBER 2012

NOW Practices for Professional Selling

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Wealth

Lessons from a Wealth Creation Giant 22 І OCTOBER 2012

RECHARGE! Wealth

I

often draw comparisons between countries and people when explaining financial concepts, as there are so many similarities in the way that both can borrow money & get into debt, invest in training & education to develop skills, be beset by unfortunate & costly disasters, make friends or get into fights with their neighbours and exploit their assets to generate wealth.

Whilst there are many upwardly-mobile countries in the world today, Japan, which experienced massive growth during the mid-twentieth century, becoming the second richest country on the planet, is one of the most exceptional examples and can teach us all a number of lessons about growing our own personal wealth.

Learning from the experts

For many centuries Japan pursued a policy of isolationism, but that all began to change in the mid-19th century when the Meiji (enlightened rule) Period began and the country began the process of modernisation.

Japan embraced free market policies and began to adopt forms of free market capitalism from the US and UK, sending its own citizens to those countries to learn more and inviting foreign consultants to teach in Japan.

The result of this was that the Japanese could learn from the mistakes made by Western countries in their own industrialisation, understand the cultures, etiquettes and languages of their new trading partners and develop their own processes for financing and running profitable businesses.

As individuals, we too can significantly benefit from making the most of every learning opportunity, whether it is a formal education, some unpaid work experience, a discussion with an expert, reading books or simply browsing articles on the internet.

Exploiting every opportunity to build our knowledge not only make us better placed to make important decisions and grow our salaries, but it also helps to makes us much more interesting as individuals.

Finding ways to be more efficient and effective

The Japanese didn’t just copy Western business practices, they also innovated and created their own. When Norman Macrae, a journalist from the Economist, visited a Mitsubishi factory in 1963, he was told by a British machine-tool salesman who was also visiting the plant, that the Japanese workers were getting three-times as much out of their machines as their better paid British counterparts.

Whilst a stronger working ethic helped, this additional productivity was largely derived from a constant drive to find new ways to improve production processes – a practice of continuous improvement known as Kaizen.

With Kaizen, both workers and managers constantly seek out new opportunities to save money through efficiencies, to speed up the production process and ensure quality. This allowed Japanese businesses to sell better quality goods, at more competitive prices than many of their US and European counterparts.

As individuals, we can apply the Kaizen approach to our own lives, by keeping an eye-out for new & better ways to save money and reduce our living costs, to be more efficient & effective at work in order to secure promotions and to make the best of the resources we have.

A key component of self-improvement is feedback from our peers, so at work you may want to ask your colleagues or your boss how well you are performing and if there is anything you can do better. The results may not always be so pleasant, but you should hopefully get some enlightening tips that will really help you to raise your game.

Creating desirable products and brands

Sony, Lexus, Honda, Canon, Nintendo, Mitsubishi, Fuji and Bridgestone are just a few of the hundreds of wellknown and cherished Japanese brands that millions of people buy each year, based not only on their reputation for quality, but also on the ingenuity and creativity of those companies in developing new products. 

2012 OCTOBER І 23

Japanese companies have a great reputation for spotting market opportunities and providing innovative products to fill those gaps; such as introducing small and efficient cars to the US market during the 1970s fuel crisis, launching the Sony Walkman in the 80s and developing various video games consoles during the 90s.

It is with this same level of innovation that we as individuals need to develop our own personal brands and desirable skill sets that will enable us to earn a premium income.

The working world is very competitive, so it is important to stand-out from the crowd. This might involve learning new skills or gaining experience on a major project, developing an expert knowledge and becoming the renowned specialist in a certain field or simply earning a reputation for hard work and job commitment.

Another good approach is to position yourself as a problem-solver. This is a transferable skill that can be used in any working environment and if you can proactively provide viable solutions to life’s problems, you will always be in-demand. Problem solving satisfies the most basic entrepreneurial principle – identify the pain and then find the solution.

Valuing personal relationships

Japanese management practices tend to differ from those in the West by being much less hierarchical and more inclusive, resulting in workers and managers being treated more equally. For example, many Japanese car manufacturers require all staff (including managers) to wear the company uniform, removing the distinction between white collar and blue collar workers.

The massive manufacturing plants also tend to be broken up into smaller and more personal profit centres, making it easier for employees to get to know and work with their fellow workers.

The Japanese know that the happier and more confident staff are, the more likely they will work harder and remain more loyal to the company. Therefore it makes sense to be accommodating and treat everyone with respect.

This is an important soft skill that we can use ourselves to get the most out of the people that we work with. It is all about being approachable, taking the time to talk to people, building & maintaining strong networks and helping out those in need.

Developing good networks and working relationships also enables us to seek feedback and advice, and can result in us being exposed to new ideas and

24 І OCTOBER 2012

opportunities – essentially our networks are vital for our success.

Keeping ahead of the game

After two decades of stratospheric growth, Japan’s economic miracle began to slow during the 80s and 90s. This was perhaps inevitable as such strong growth could never be maintained at that rate for too long. Developing countries could offer cheaper labour and both the US and Europe had upped their games in terms of innovation and management to respond to this new industrial powerhouse.

After the ‘Lost Decade’ of the 1990s, growth has again picked up, especially since 2005, and whilst it is unlikely that the country will experience anything akin to the 60s and 70s, for the time being it is keeping ahead of the game as one of the wealthiest countries in the world.

On a personal level, we also experience times in our lives when the going is good and times when the going gets much tougher. During a period of economic recession there are fewer jobs available, so it is crucial that we take the time to review our skill-sets, understand which skills are in demand and get the training and experience that will make us stand out from the competition.

We also need to minimise our debt exposure and constantly seek to reduce unnecessary costs, both during the good times and the bad. The prospect of facing redundancy with a mountain of credit card debt and bank loans is frightening, but this stress can be reduced by being debt-free and having a nice emergency fund to fall back on.

Overall, the most important lesson is to not get complacent, as even the wealthiest giants can fall from grace. Remember the Kaizen approach – constantly be on the look-out for ways to improve.

by Donal Suter

Donal Suter In between running his project management consultancy, Donal Suter is busy writing for the Money Saving Challenge, a personal finance blog that focuses on gaining control of your finances, boosting your income and saving for big, life-changing goals and experiences.

Learn more at www.moneysavingchallenge.com

RECHARGE! Wealth

Investing... a second language?

As a twenty-something living in London I can appreciate how hard the economy is for my peer group right now. With large student loans to pay off, various other credit cards and overdrafts accumulated while at University, and let’s not forget the struggle for a deposit for that elusive first time house purchase! I can appreciate why an S&S ISA is not at the top of my generations ‘to-do list’ at this stage.

D

espite this, I can’t help thinking my peers are still in a better position than most to start investing in their future. Most of my friends are aged between 25-35, all varying in jobs and marital status. But most of them don’t have kids, a mortgage or cars so are in a better position to start putting away for the future. So why aren’t they??

After meeting up with a few friends I have been asking this question and the response I have received was a mixture of ‘Can’t make any sense of it all’, ‘All sounds a bit risky’ and ‘Never even occurred to me’ type responses.

I have to admit when I was first introduced into the world of S&S investing I found it very intimidating; the language was confusing, as were the percentages and abbreviations.

I thought it would be easier to learn Japanese and began dismissing investing as something I would need to pay an IFA for because I simply couldn’t get my head around it.

After a few very patient

people sat down and explained the basics to me, I became intrigued. When I realised how easy it was to research funds and invest for myself, I became hooked.

So after explaining this to my friends I got to grips with a few of their questions that have held them back from taking the investment leap.

Here are a few…

"I know nothing about funds! How would I know what to invest in?"

Answer – Everyone’s investment strategy is different and it is important to work out what will work best for you. So here are some important things to remember before you start…  Your reason for investing  How much annual return you are seeking  Your appetite for risk  The length of time you wish to invest for After you have determined this you can begin to search through classification groups to 

2012 OCTOBER І 25

When I realised how easy it was to research funds and invest for myself, I became hooked "I keep hearing about the TER and AMC. What are they and what is the difference?"

determine what will work best for you, do some research into the funds performance and build your investment portfolio from there.

This is a great link for that www.rplan.co.uk/Pages/ help/classification-groups

"I don't understand the charges it feels like there are so many of them! What exactly am I expected to pay?"

Answer – When investing in funds there are 2 charges…  Initial charge – When you invest in a fund an initial charge is normally made by the fund manager.

This charge is deducted and can be up to 5.5%.  Ongoing charge (also known as renewal/ trail) – An ongoing charge of around 1.5% per year is made by the fund manager to your investment. The ongoing charge is made up of commission to the adviser or broker through whom you bought the funds, as well as a fund manager charge for the management of the investment and a platform charge for the administration of the investment of the ongoing charge.

Occasionally there can also be a Performance fee – A charge made by the fund manager when the fund reaches a certain target.

Know your charges

26 І OCTOBER 2012

Answer –These both refer to the annual charges as detailed below.  Annual Management Charge (AMC) – This is charge normally quoted in the literature of the fund, and is deducted from the fund by the fund manager.  Total Expense Ratio (TER) – The TER includes some other expenses that are charged to the fund, but that are not included in the quoted Annual Management Charge (AMC).

For more information go to www.rplan.co.uk/Pages/ help/cost Give man a fish….he will eat for a day! Teach man to fish for himself…everyone owes you a drink! ;-)

by Rachael Fennell

Rachael Fennell A reformed spend-aholic living in London, Rachael dedicated 6 months working a day job and a night job to pay off the bulk of her debts. Now working for online investment provider rplan, Rachael hopes to provide the online community with useful tips on investing and saving money. More at www.rplan.co.uk

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Dave Says

Q&A with America's Leading Personal Finance Expert

Handling the severance

Dear Dave, I’m an accountant, and my company is experiencing layoffs. I just learned that I’ll be losing my job in four weeks. I’ll receive a severance check, but I have no other savings set aside. Should I use some of the severance to pay off debt, or hold on to that money as long as I can? ~ Frank Dear Frank, I’d hang on to that money and pile up as much other cash as I possibly could. Right now, the most important worries are food, lights, water and shelter. Debt is not on the list. We need to take care of your basic survival needs first and make that money stretch as far as it will go.

There are two bright spots in this scenario. One, you know the wolf is going to be sniffing around the door, and that gives you time to prepare. The second thing is you’re an accountant, and that’s a very marketable skill. Lots of companies are going to be looking for your kind of expertise as we slowly turn the corner and come out of this recession.

Here’s another thing. The better financial cushion you have during this time, the better you’ll do when

28 І OCTOBER 2012

interviewing for other jobs. Things will be tight, but if you’ve saved and budgeted your money well, you won’t come off as needy or desperate. You can be confident in your abilities to add value to a different company, instead of being all freaked out and begging for a job.

Then, once you’re settled into someplace new, you can start writing checks out of the remainder of the severance money and your first couple of paychecks to catch up on things! ~ Dave

Concentrate on your quality of life

Dear Dave, Several months ago, I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I have about $30,000 in credit card debt and would like to continue getting my finances in order. My husband has been unemployed for six years due to his own health issues, but I do have life insurance, a 401(k) and receive Social Security. How should we handle this? ~ Vivian Dear Vivian, God bless you and your husband. I know this is a really rough time for you both. I hope you guys are 

RECHARGE! Dave Says sticking by each other and loving on each other a lot.

That may not make these problems go away, but it will make you each stronger and bond you together in incredible ways.

If I’m in your shoes, the last thing I’m going to worry about is credit card debt. Your concern right now should be your quality of life and taking advantage of all the medical options that are available to you. That’s the primary goal. You and your husband need to use your financial resources to prioritize, but at the moment you come first. For someone in your situation, that’s not being selfish.

The hard truth is this. We’re all going to die some day. Anything you own, like the 401(k), has to stand good for what you owe when you pass away. In other words, the credit card debt would have to be paid before your husband or others received anything from your estate.

I appreciate your diligence and honor in wanting to make sure your debts are handled. But in this situation, so what if a credit card company has to wait a while to get paid? It will happen when it happens. Right now, you are the number-one priority. ~ Dave

Picking the right trustee

Dear Dave, I’m going through a divorce, and I’m about to buy a $600,000 life insurance policy. My 9-year-old daughter would be the beneficiary. I need a trustee, but how do I pick a good one? ~ Marie Dear Marie, First, your daughter wouldn’t be the beneficiary. You would leave it in a trust for her benefit. And I’m not sure I’d depend on an ex-husband to handle something that requires this much integrity. You’d be better off hiring a good attorney to execute the trust upon your death, or you can look for a bank that has a trust department.

Once you decide on a trustee, you must remember to clearly and specifically state what you want done

with the money. Don’t say to invest the money appropriately, because what a banker views as an appropriate investment and what I view as an appropriate invest are usually very different. A banker might put the money in CDs, or certificates of deposit, while I’d probably look at something like mutual funds, which have a much better rate of return.

In many cases, a trust for a child is put in place to pay for their first car, a medical situation or their college education, but this is completely up to you. The balance of the money might go to them when they reach age 21, while they receive a monthly stipend for food and other essentials while they’re younger.

I’m proud of you for thinking ahead, Marie. I know divorce is hard, but your little girl is lucky to have such a good and caring mom on her side! ~ Dave

Dave’s thoughts about online banks

Dear Dave, How do you feel about using an online bank for your emergency fund? ~ Jared Dear Jared, I don’t think that’s a problem at all in most situations.

Just make sure you do a little research. Know who you’re dealing with and that they’ve got some strength.

A bank that is known as a “click and mortar” – one that has a physical location as well as online – would be my preference. Some of them have great debit card programs that includes debit card rewards and highinterest checking accounts, too.

When it comes to an emergency fund, I like the idea of keeping it in a separate money market account. That way you get money market rates, plus you can attach check writing privileges to the account. Then when an emergency comes along, you don’t have to worry about shuffling money around.

You can just write a check out of the account. Problem solved! ~ Dave

Dave Ramsey Dave Ramsey is America’s trusted voice on money and business. He’s authored four New York Times bestselling books: Financial Peace, More Than Enough, The Total Money Makeover and EntreLeadership. The Dave Ramsey Show is heard by more than 5 million listeners each week on more than 500 radio stations.

Follow Dave on Twitter at @DaveRamsey and on the web at daveramsey.com.

2012 OCTOBER І 29

RECHARGE!

Think Right about Your Money

by Ellen Rogin

Turn Scarcity into Abundance E

ven the for the most optimistic and abundancefocused people there may be moments (or sometimes days or months) when you feel financially scared, uncomfortable, or overwhelmed. Everyone has felt the worry or anxiety of financial scarcity – that trapped feeling when you are paralyzed with fear. You seem frozen, as if no action you take regarding your finances will make a difference. You are not alone in that feeling.

When it comes to money, people tend to view the world from two fundamental viewpoints: abundance or scarcity. Yet a third perspective, less familiar, is contentment: to actually enjoy where you are right now.

Contentment does not necessarily relate to financial wealth. The feeling of contentment experienced by one friend meant that after graduation from college, even though her financial resources were slim, she felt content and happy where she was with her money situation. People who are great with money reside in Contentment and Abundance most often. Right now just find out which direction you flow towards.

Remember to monitor your money mindset by answering these questions: Are you someone who believes the world never provides you enough? That making money is hard and opportunities are few? Do you feel you never attain your goals? If so, you head toward scarcity.

1 2

Or are you someone who believes that money will always flow your way and feel it always has? Or do you believe there are limitless possibilities for you? You lean into abundance.

3

These are extremes and your experiences with money have likely hit both ends. Contentment and

30 І OCTOBER 2012

Abundance is where you will learn to live when you become great with money.

Prosperity Trap: Living with a scarcity mindset and not being conscious of it means you believe your past experiences dictate your future. This mindset can seriously undermine or curtail your dreams and set you up for unnecessary fears.

What a shame that so many people worry so much about money. Imagine what the world would be like if everyone came from a place of abundance and contentment . . . .

Get Smart About Your Money Matters

One reason that financial fear and worry grip you relates to a lack of financial education. Knowledge is power when it comes to managing your financial feelings.

Prosperity Tip: You don’t have to become an investment expert, but you do need to take an honest look at your finances first and then seek information to clarify any concerns.

Learning helps to increase your financial confidence.

When you know the exact questions you want answered, that’s the time to consult web sites or books that provide financial specifics or tools. An example is an online financial calculator. Also, you can meet with a respected financial advisor to get an overview and 

ThinkXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Right about Your Money RECHARGE! RECHARGE! become further educated. Many fears are unfounded and can be resolved by doing some research and exploring advice from a professional.

Switch Off Instigators of Financial Fear

The financial news media inundates us with frequent fearful messages, as well as helpful ones. Volatile markets sell papers and advertising. It is easy to get glued to the TV waiting to hear about the next big crash. When ominous messages and strong personal beliefs intersect and combine, many people finally feel compelled to act, out of feelings of scarcity and worry. But fear-based decisions are usually poor ones (this is what causes people to sell low and buy high). People are rarely rational when it comes to their money when they are stuck in a fear mindset about their financial future. Instead, take a breath and gain perspective. When you understand your money mindset you will make smart decisions – ones based upon your own vision – not one created by the media.

Prosperity Tip: Regain perspective by turning off the television periodically to calm the financial “noise.”

Prosperity Steps for Controlling Financial Fears

Here are 2 tools that you can use right away to lift you from a scarcity mindset into abundance:

1

Where is your attention?

On scarcity or abundance?

Practice awareness of your financial emotions. When it comes to money, do your emotions lean toward fear, scarcity or abundance? Check your thoughts and pay attention to what you say to yourself and others to determine where you focus your attention.

What a shame that so many people worry so much about money Do your beliefs sound like this?

“I’ll never be able to put away enough money.”

“I could never have that ____”, “No one ever taught me about money so I don’t understand how to make it work for me.”

“I’m just not good when it comes to money.”

If this sounds like your inner voice, catch it in action and turn around these negative beliefs and focus your attention on an empowering belief that supports your vision. It can be as simple as “Money now flows easily and effortlessly to me.”

your attention towards 2 Turn Gratitude.

Teach yourself to review each morning or evening the actual things, events, and people you are grateful for in your life – right now. This practice will ground you in the present and bring you a sense of true fulfillment and gratitude. And it will take your attention off future or past events where fears and fantasies can build.

Remember these Prosperity Steps whenever you start to feel any financial fear. They will help you move toward your dreams.

Ellen Rogin CPA, CFP® Ellen shows people how to be great with money. Through over 20 years as a successful entrepreneur in the financial services industry and as a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNERTM professional, Ellen understands that many people have an uneasy and complicated relationship with their money. People undergo great anxiety as well as great joy in their financial lives.

Ellen is hired by corporations, women's initiatives, organizations and associations to take the complex area of money and make it easy. Learn more about Ellen at www.ellenrogin.com

2012 OCTOBER І 31

RECHARGE!

Social The Truth Behind Parenting Teenagers and other effective parenting teenager strategies 32 І OCTOBER 2012

RECHARGE! Social

Could you use a little perspective in your parenting?

Parenting teenagers is a little like trying to nail gelatin to a tree. ~ (Anonymous)

How do you know if your parenting efforts are being as effective as they can be?

There is an old saying that goes something like this.

Is that how you're feeling about parenting your teenager?

I understand. My name's Colleen and I've been parenting for over 26 years. Currently I'm on my third teenager. And guess what? I'm having a blast being the parent of a teen.

Let me share with you some mothering concepts that I have learned over the years that can be of tremendous help to you as you are parenting your precious teenager.

Parenting teenagers effectively means understanding your role in their life.

I'm going to put it to you straight, mom or dad. You are not your teen's best friend.

Someday, as adults, perhaps you and your teen can realize that goal...but while your son or daughter is a teen, you have the awesome responsibility and privilege of raising them. That comes before being their friend. And frankly, it's way more important. They can get friends anywhere. You are their only mom or dad.

Parenting teenagers is tough!

You do not exist to make your teen feel good about themselves. And your teen does not exist to make you feel good about your parenting abilities, either. Your son or daughter is an independent human being working on being able to fly away and live their own life. Your job as their parent is to guide them through the growing process so they can and will fly away.

Sound scary? Good. Now you're on the right path.

Setting expectations when you are parenting teenagers.

This concept is important throughout all of the years required to raise a child (see my parenting tip page for more information), but takes on special meaning when you are parenting teenagers.

To keep your homelife sane, your teen son or daughter needs you to set clear expectations. In other words, to know how you expect they will behave and be in all types of circumstances. And don't stop there.

Tell your teenager why you have those expectations of them, too.. Many studies have shown the correlation between high expectations and better grades...and I have found that to be just the tip of the iceberg when parenting a teenager.

Effective parenting teenager strategies mean raising the bar for your teenager. Expect the best from him or her and your teen will work to achieve that best for you.

Along the way they will develop self-discipline, initiative, persistence and a host of other character qualities that they will need to survive and thrive in the adult world.

You can do this, mom or dad. I have great confidence in you.

Need an example or what I'm talking about? Okay.

In our home, teenagers take four years of math in high school, whether or not the state or school district requires it. Whether or not they are thinking about a career in the math/science/engineering realm. And our teens take the math courses that personally challenge them. For our family, that means we've had one teenager in math honors courses, one in math Advanced Placement (AP) courses and one in general math courses.

Each teen has struggled, learned, been frustrated, hung in there, thought mom and dad were pushing them too hard, had failures and found successes. All have learned problem-solving skills, analytical thinking, perseverance, self-discipline and that they're capable of more than they think they are.

Believe me, none of them would have kept up the program without their dad and myself guiding, encouraging, supporting, hugging, and requiring them to finish. 

2012 OCTOBER І 33

Lots of times it was not fun for them or for us. So what? Our job as we parented each teenager was to be the leadership in our family, not make sure everyone had a fun time.

Oh, by the way, we did have lots of fun along the way. Because we often used fun and humor to keep our kids' heads in the game. We were working together as a team. But the fun was not the main focus. Our teenagers knew we wanted only the best for them (we told them so!) and their futures and we were willing to be the 'heavies', when necessary, to get the job done.

Two of our children are adults now and are doing just fine for themselves. They are really wonderful young men to know. One of our daughters is looking at colleges, planning her future. We are enjoying her immensely.

You can feel the same way about your teens, too.

Setting boundaries when you are using effective parenting teenager strategies.

Parenting teenagers successfully means your teen will try to go down many paths and your job is to keep guiding them down the paths that are right

for them. So there will be tension. That's fine. Put a smile on your face and stay calm. Like I said above, a sense of humor helps. So does having strong boundaries.

Boundaries is less about rules than it is about guidelines. Nevertheless, once you set a boundary, it is up to you as a parent to enforce it. You need to understand that from the time they are toddlers, kids test the boundaries you set for them. That's their job. That's how they learn that you are serious about the things you are teaching them and the ways you are parenting them. You enforcing the boundaries you have set with your kids is how you earn their respect.

How does this earn your teen's respect? Because you are proving you mean what you say. Period.

By the time children are teenagers, though, they need to hear your reasoning behind the boundaries.

They do not, however, have to agree with your reasoning in order to comply. You are the parent, remember?

Not their best friend.

Parenting teenagers effectively means getting them to drop their walls. 

Our job as we parented each teenager was to be the leadership in our family

34 І OCTOBER 2012

RECHARGE! Social Listening is a vital skill when parenting teenagers.

What you need to know when mothering is that your teenager is paying attention to how you listen to him or her. Do you put down your paper or cell phone when they need to talk? Do you look them in the eye, ask them questions and then be quiet and listen with interest and intensity?

Your teen is craving your attention. He or she is hungry to know you care. No matter what you say...the way your teen knows you really care and can be trusted with the things inside of them is when you give them yourself; your attention and your time.

I can hear you now. You don't have time for the long, drawn-out conversations you hear your teen having with their friends. You're not even sure you want to hear all that stuff.

This is the real deal, mom or dad. If you are parenting a teenager and truly want to have a healthy, productive, enjoyable relationship with your teen, this is where the rubber meets the road in your homelife. Yes, you may need to have those long, drawn-out conversations with your teen. Remember, they want to talk with their friends because their friends make them feel special. How would you like your teenager to be drawn to you in the same way?

Here are more examples.

For one of my kids, I would have to chat and listen for a full 30 minutes before he was ready to let me in and truly share with me. That was the price of admission every time we had a meaningful talk. Was it worth it? Absolutely.

For another one of my kids, building trust means listening to all the drama her life. (Remember the drama when you were a teen?) By listening carefully to the tales of teenage woes from this teen, I am able to guide her as she unravels the complexities in human relationships she is experiencing all around her. And I also have the opportunity to gently point out to her over and over again, that drama in relationships is a choice, not a requirement. Over time, she has been able to choose less drama and encourage her friends to do the same.

Never forget this. If you won't take the time to listen, really listen to your teenagers, they will find someone who will.

Read that again. And again.

Do you really want someone outside your family to be the primary sounding board for your teen? By the way...when it comes to teenagers, the love and respect goes to the one who cares enough to listen. That's just how it works.

The bottom line in all of this is that teenagers require us as parents to really hear them before they are able to hear us. The process is simple and it works. But it does come at a cost that many parents are unwilling to pay.

The cost of time and self.

What will you choose as you are parenting the teenagers in your life?

Enjoying parenting teenagers.

Is it possible to enjoy the process of parenting teenagers? My experience is a hearty yes.

You can build influence in your teenager's precious life.

You can laugh and play together as your teen matures into adulthood, with you as one of their primary guides.

One of the great secrets of parenting a teenager (or any other age child) is to enjoy them.

When you treat your children with respect and love.

When you take on your responsibility as the leader in their life. When you look them in the eyes daily and tell them how important they are to you and that they were put on this earth for a vital purpose.

They will grow to hang on your every word.

To ponder any and all advice you give them. To value your opinions. To know they are loved and to desire to live a life that will make you proud and them thrilled.

As a parent, your investment is costly and longterm. When you reach the stage when you are parenting teenagers, you can know the bittersweet rewards of successful parenting as your teen becomes more and more independent of you all the while developing a new, adult relationship with you.

Are you up to the challenge of parenting a teen? If you're reading this, then, yes, I'll bet you are.

by Colleen Langenfeld

Colleen Langenfeld Colleen Langenfeld has been parenting for over 25 years and helps other moms enjoy mothering more at www. paintedgold.com. Get your free grocery savings strategies at www. paintedgold.com/Organize/grocery-savings.html

2012 OCTOBER І 35

RECHARGE!

Positive Directions for Life

by Shirley Garrett

What Men want Women to Understand M en and women are different in more ways than physiology. Training and socialization further widens the chasm between the sexes. The following insights may help women negotiate the wild, winding psyche of men, so they can pave the pathway for a happier life together.

1

Get to the point, say what you mean, and mean what you say

Men often don’t interpret or understand women’s nonverbal or sometimes vague communication. Most women understand the nuances of nonverbal communication, because they care for infants and children.

Since women are intuitive and astute in this form of communication, they often respond in what men view as cryptic verbal or nonverbal responses, which usually fly over the head of the typical male. For centuries, men have been trained to read the signs of aggression, which is why women don’t usually get a man’s attention until they throw a tantrum.

In my upcoming book, Life with Bob, I wrote about one of these miscommunications between the sexes. Here is a section from the book scheduled for release in 2013.

“What should I wear,” Bob asked.

“I’m wearing the dress hanging on the bedroom door.” Female translation: I am wearing the black and red dress, so I want you to wear your black suit and a red tie, so we will color coordinate.

“Which bedroom door?”

“Good grief there is only one bedroom door, this is not rocket science,” I mumbled under my breath.

I took a deep breath and turned to face him, “The door by which you entered the bedroom.”

Bob left the doorway to

36 І OCTOBER 2012

search for the mystery dress, which would answer his question. I picked up the curling iron, carefully wound a section of hair on the base, held it, released, and nothing happened. I forgot to press the on button. I ran my fingers through my hair on each side of my face, and tugged.

“Ohhh! I can’t believe I forgot to turn it on again!”

I seldom use this hair-frying device, so I usually forget about the safety switch. I always say I will remember the next time, but I don’t. I felt my frustration, like red-hot liquid; fill my body to the level of my chin.

Bob returned to the doorway and held my dress aloft.

“Is this the dress?”

“Yes, that is the dress.”

With the dress swinging back and forth from the hook of his index finger, Bob asked, “So what do you want me to wear?”

I gave him THE LOOK, “Your black suit, white shirt, black belt, red tie, black socks, and black shoes.”

“Oh!” In my years with Bob, I have learned, “Oh” means my message has successfully circumvented the logical, left-brained, hierarchal structure of his mind. He left to go find his suit.”

I could have saved both of us much frustration by clearly answering Bob’s question.

Remember, what is important to a female, may not be important to a male. Bob didn’t care what he wore, but he was trying to please me, because this was a special occasion. I hindered his efforts and only succeeded in aggravating both of us.

Don’t expect a man to interpret your sighs, silences, innuendoes, or hints. 

RECHARGE! Positive Directions for Life Only your girlfriends understand that language. Be direct, say what you want, and if you don’t mean it, don’t say it.

2

Men crave acknowledgement and appreciation

During early socialization, men receive positive feedback from parents, teachers, and coaches for hitting the baseball, getting the correct answer, or praised for taking out the trash. Therefore, as adults, men still seek acknowledgement for repairing the cabinet door, a job well done, or thanks for taking out the recycling.

Men love positive feedback and will perform numerous feats to acquire it. This is why your guy announces everything he does. He wants credit for his efforts. Men respond to negative criticism and nagging by feeling discouraged and unappreciated. In response, they become passive-aggressive, dig in their heels and refuse to comply with reasonable requests. Women often complain that men don’t help at home. In response to this complaint, I ask the male clients to do their part and they usually do.

Later the guys complain, “She never noticed what I did, so why should I bother?”

Male interpretation: she didn’t give me what I need, so why should I give her what she wants?

Many of my female clients complain that their mother’s response when they sought acknowledgement or praise for doing a chore was, “That was your responsibility, what do you want a medal?”

Hence they carry this attitude into relationships and feel their men should just shut-up and be responsible, after all that is what they do. Howe v e r, what works for a woman may not work with a man.

Just as fashion designers adjust styles and sizes to fit different people, women who are successful at influencing the men in their lives, do so by tailor fitting their approach to each male and the situation. If you want your guy to meet your needs try this approach:  Be clear about what you want. Be concise.

The use of “please” and a pleasant smile are a nice lubricant. Treat the guy with as much courtesy and respect as you would a waiter in a restaurant.  Define when you would like the project completed and write it down on paper, on the calendar, or enter it on outlook. Set a reminder. Guys

use reminders on their phones and computers for work purposes. Let the phone or computer take over the nagging.  Give your guy a logical reason why this is important to you, and should be important to him. Generally, people are more cooperative when they understand the “why” of a request.

Men are more cognizant of an issue that interferes with the smooth operation of the household.  If that fails, make the problem directly affect your guy. My husband, who is a very responsible person, kept forgetting to repair an annoying rattle in my car. It slipped his mind, because he didn’t listen to it everyday. This had nothing to do with his level of love for me. My solution was to switch cars and the problem was fixed in a jiffy, because the squeak reminded him daily, not me.  Acknowledge your guy’s accomplishments and thank him for his effort. A smart lady understands that a man who feels he is her hero is more likely to be helpful in the future.

bond differ3 Men ently than women

Women primarily bond through talking and affection. When women drone on and on men tune out.

So when communicating with men, often saying less is more effective. An alternative approach is to announce, “This is important so I need you to listen.” It alerts men to pay attention and listen carefully.

Men bond by doing things together, food, and sex. Men often complain to me that their wives or girlfriends seemed so interested in their hobbies before marriage, but declined participation after marriage. Since these hobbies were part of their bonding process, they now feel deceived, deprived, confused, and resentful. The best approach for men and women entering a relationship is to be genuine and don’t feign interest in something you are unwilling to participate in long-term. If possible, find hobbies you both can enjoy.

The old saying, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” is true; it is also the way to keep a man’s appreciation. Food is a basic form of nurturance and can offer an opportunity to sit together, slow down, and catch up on the day. The aroma of cooking food is a strong tug on the 

2012 OCTOBER І 37

domesticated heartstrings of the male.

Those simple remarks of, “That smells good” or “What’s cooking” are a man’s way of saying he is happy to be home.

Most men need sex. It is part of their bonding ritual to their wives. It lets them know they are still virile and attractive to their lady. Sex is also a physical release that allows a man to avoid the costly treatment and painful recovery from a prostate infection. In addition, it is an extremely effective stress management method.

Men need frequent imaginative sex; the way children need to play. Ladies typically don’t understand the difference in the approach of unattached and attached males in an effort to fill this need. For an unattached male, any acceptable woman can satiate their desires. However, most men who are in a relationship and in love need THEIR WOMAN. Often married women complain to me that their husband only wants them for sex. Your guy needs you in many ways, however he may not be astute in communicating this to you. Keep in mind; part of monogamy is the commitment of one partner to take on the roles, responsibilities, and needs of the other partner. This is what makes it harder, but more secure.

There are those circumstances where the tables may be turned and your guy has the sex drive of a snail.

If so, there may be psychological causes (depression,

38 І OCTOBER 2012

stress, etc.) or physical causes (SSRI’s, blood pressure medication, low testosterone, etc.). This problem may be treatable, once diagnosed.

Ladies, happy men are more cooperative and generally less grumpy. I hope that by adjusting your approach to dealing with them, your life will be more pleasant. Since turn about is fair play…

Next article: What Women want Men to Understand

Shirley Garrett Dr. Shirley B. Garrett, Psy.D, LPC, DAC graduated Suma Cum Laude from Forest Institute with a Doctorate Degree in Psychology. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Alabama and a Nationally Certified Doctoral Addictions Counselor. She has over twentyfive years of experience in the areas of mental health, substance abuse, and business. She is a member of The National Speakers Association, The American Counseling Association, and The National Association of Professional Women. Dr. Garrett is the founder and owner of Positive Directions, LLC. She is currently an author, public speaker, consultant, and counselor/ business coach.

RECHARGE!

No More Difficult People Dana Lightman

Put Yourself in Neutral T

his is the first article in a series of articles on how to effectively deal with difficult people by Dana Lightman, Ph. D. Road rage. While you may never have exhibited extreme aggression on the highway, I wonder if you can relate to this entry I ran across on www.edmunds.com.

Recently, a roadside billboard showed an infuriated driver screaming at the car ahead of her while her toddler observed from the backseat. The tag line said, "She learns by watching you." Like most people, I figured the anti-road rage advertisement didn't apply to me. I'm a decent, courteous driver, right?

Yet it was only a few minutes before I found myself shouting "Go, lady!" at the driver in front of me, who took more than 3 seconds to react to a green light. As if on cue, my 5-yearold in the backseat said, "Beep at her, Mama!" Was I on my way to becoming a member of the "road rage club"?

I suspect that the author was not at her best when this incident occurred. Perhaps she was sleep deprived, worried about her job or finances or had just encountered one too many difficult people that day.

The result: she was stressed out and ungrounded.

Think back to the last time you got angry behind the wheel. What was going on for you that day? I guarantee that you were not centered and calm at the outset, and so the driver’s infraction led to a reaction ranging from irritation to rage. Otherwise you would have been able to brush off the incident as just “one of those things.”

What does this have to do with influencing the behavior of a difficult person in your life?

Just as in the example above, when you are emotionally charged, you become part of the problem. Your emotions act like glue, keeping you stuck to the difficult person. You are unable to get enough distance to influence a different outcome. This occurs in part due to the way your brain functions. When you are stressed or in a negative emotional state, your brain shuts down and fewer neurons fire. As a result, your tolerance level is diminished, you stay focused on problems and you are defensive and reactive. In short, you feel “off” and are more likely to escalate the problem with a difficult person.

In contrast, when you are calm and centered, you can find your “zone.” You are generous, solutionfocused, open and flexible. You feel “on” because more neurons are activated. You are able to see the bigger picture, to move past irritating behaviors and zero in on the more positive traits of the difficult person. You respond in new and inspired ways, changing the dynamics and creating the conditions for change. When your objective is to encourage 

2012 OCTOBER І 39

another person to change some aspect of his or her behavior, you want to be at your best.

You are most effective when you are genuinely calm and centered. If you are “pretending” to be calm, you may exacerbate the situation with a difficult person without realizing it. This is because people are very adept at picking up cues with their senses.

TAKE ACTION

Think of a time when you were centered and in the zone.

How did you feel? Describe the feeling in as much detail as possible. What was your energy like? How was your mental attitude, self-esteem, self-confidence?

Describe your posture, your tone of voice and other physical sensations. Remember this feeling when you are dialoguing with others about difficult behaviors.

Essentially, I am suggesting that you take responsibility for your emotional reactions to the difficult people in your life. You must find a way to feel calm and centered that is not dependent on the difficult person changing his or her behavior. In other words, to effectively exert your influence, you must first enter the control zone and take responsibility for the way you feel. When you do this, you are fully empowered to have a great day even if the difficult person never changes. You can let go of the outcome because you are not dependent on anyone else to feel good.

 Drink a bottle of water  Take a walk  Think of 5 things you appreciate  Smile Now that you are calm and empowered, it’s time to put yourself in neutral. To effectively influence your difficult person, it can be helpful to look at the situation from multiple perspectives. The first perspective is obviously your own and relates to your personal experience of the difficult person. The second is that of the difficult person. From this perspective, you experience the events from the other person’s viewpoint, taking into account their values, beliefs and emotions. The third is a neutral, observer position. You experience the situation from the outside, as if you were viewing characters and events in a film.

While it is illuminating to examine the situation from each perspective, it is essential to adopt the neutral position if you want to be an effective influencer. Why? Because being a neutral observer helps you choose your responses and intentionally process information in order to draw productive conclusions based on what is going on around you without bringing judgment or bias to the scene.

Let’s use an example. You are a manager and have just told Peter about one particular aspect of his work performance that needs some improvement.

You are happy with the way you handled the situation, explaining both the problem and the development plan in a supportive manner. However, Peter becomes quiet during the meeting and remains sullen throughout the week. You later hear that he has made some negative comments about you to other employees. How would you describe this scenario from each position?  From the first person (self) position: I was gentle and supportive. I needed to talk to Peter about his performance issue and I did a good job. I’m very annoyed at his reaction. He’s being such a jerk. I want to just tell him to get over it and grow up. 

Your emotions act like glue, keeping you stuck to the difficult person

TAKE ACTION

When you notice that a difficult person’s actions or statements have brought you down, stop and ask yourself, “Am I giving away my power to that person?

Am I letting their actions dictate my feelings?” If you answer yes to these questions, try one of these tips to get into a calmer frame of mind:  Take 5 deep breaths  Do nothing for 5 minutes  Imagine a shield protecting you from the difficult behavior  Listen to comforting music

40 І OCTOBER 2012

RECHARGE! No More Difficult People  From the second person (other) position: She really caught me by surprise. I didn’t know this was coming. I’m angry that I didn’t have any advance notice. She sounded caring, but if she really cared, she would have given me a heads up. I don’t know what to do next. How am I supposed to talk to her about this?  From the observer (neutral) position: The manager gave her employee (Peter) feedback.

After hearing the feedback, Peter’s mood changed. During the week, he stopped speaking to the manager, avoided eye contact with her, and did not participate in the meeting. The manager noticed that Peter was not exhibiting his usual behaviors.

In the self-position, you can recognize that your reaction is subjective. (“He’s being such a jerk. Just grow up.”) As you work on experiencing the situation from Peter’s point of view, you can begin to understand what might be happening for him. While this is speculation, it does open the door for empathy and a less condemnatory reaction on your part. Finally, from the neutral observer position, you have identified the observable behaviors. In this way, you have isolated the problem and established your objective (to understand why Pe-

ter is exhibiting a change in his usual behaviors), and you have set the stage to interact with Peter in a more detached and open-minded manner.

Next article: Top Five Competencies for Exerting Your Influence.

Dana Lightman Dr. Dana Lightman is an accomplished motivational keynote speaker and trainer specializing in the field of optimism and positive psychology. She brings over 25 years of experience as a presenter, psychotherapist, coach and educator to a wide range of audiences at conferences and conventions, corporations, hospitals, non-profits, universities and schools. As the founder of POWER Optimism in 2001, Dana published her first book, POWER Optimism: Enjoy the Life You Have…

Create the Success You Want in 2004, followed by the No More Difficult People Series in 2011.

Learn more at: www.danalightman.com; www.NoMoreDifficultPeople.com

Dana Lightman, Ph.D. Absolutely. Positively. Uplifting.

Dana’s three most requested programs: • Energize Your Peak Potential • Leadership with a Positive Edge • There’s No Such Thing as Difficult People

Call to book Dana for your next program! www.danalightman.com www.NoMoreDifficultPeople.com dana@danalightman.com 215-885-2127

2012 OCTOBER І 41

RECHARGE!

The Counseling Corner

by Nathan Feiles, LMSW

The Relationship Dream List I

s your relationship feeling stagnant recently? Do you feel like you're caught in a routine, ignoring each other, too busy to give time to your relationship, or just simply neglecting your relationship?

It can be easy to become complacent in our relationships, especially when living together on a daily basis.

Life happens around us – we work, possibly have children to care for, keep up a home, try to see friends and family, deal with issues that come up, and so on. Things end up getting pushed to the front in our lives, while our relationships with our significant others are pushed to the back.

After some time of sticking in this pattern, we may find our relationships lacking in fulfillment, unexciting, or even boring. Some may feel secure in a more "business" type of relationship – having someone to come home to every night and to sleep and wake up next to, maybe raising children – while not otherwise giving much attention to their relationship.

42 І OCTOBER 2012

And to be sure, there is nothing wrong with this outlook if both partners on the same page. The trouble starts when one or both of the partners begins to experience the relationship as lacking balance.

When this happens, it means more is wanted from the relationship, and without some form of action, this can eventually cascade into overall relationship dissatisfaction for one or both partners.

There are many things that people can do to spice up a relationship.

Some try different things sexually; some add date nights or other togetherness activities; and more. These are all good things.

Turning Toward Each Other

The "Relationship Dream List" is a favorite among couples I treat. When both partners in a relationship share similar goals and dreams, even if they can be unrealistic goals at times, it not only heightens a sense of overall togetherness, it also turns both partners toward each other. 

RECHARGE! The Counseling Corner What does "turning toward" mean?

When a person becomes dissatisfied or frustrated with his or her relationship, the subconscious tendency is to turn away from the partner. This can happen in various forms, including thoughts or behaviors involving cheating, spending less time with the partner, envisioning a future without the partner, becoming irritable with the partner, and so on.

The reverse of this process is the idea of turning toward each other. When our relationships are in sync, there's a sense of togetherness. Turning toward is a subconscious mindset of having both feet in the door of our relationship. We seek positive interaction with our partner; we look to the future with our partner in the picture; we function on the same page (or seek to re-orient when natural drifting occurs); and there is a general sense of our partner as a positive force in our lives.

Dreaming Together

Dreaming together is an important element of a healthy relationship. When partners have shared dreams, it helps strengthen the mechanism of turning toward each other and creating meaning in the relationship. In a sense, shared dreams help orient a relationship – fostering togetherness and a mutual sense of direction.

Dreams can be anything that people want to see happen in the course of their lives: buying a house, having children, traveling, moving to a particular place, a long-term project at home (fixing up a house; having a garden; starting a meaningful collection), writing a book, opening a business, raising a puppy, etc. Dream possibilities are infinite and can be revised over time.

It's also good and healthy to have individual dreams as well as shared dreams. I treated a couple where one wanted to travel around the country and visit every state. The partner had little interest in this, but felt it could be fun to see a baseball game in different major league stadiums in the country. This is a "secondary dream" – a dream that branches off the partner's original dream. This person was able to find a positive element within the partner's dream in order to be supportive and increase the togetherness in the relationship. This is also a form of turning towards.

How to create a Relationship Dream List:

1

Start with your own separate lists. What are the dreams that you each have in your lives? Distinguish long-term dreams from short-term goals.

Shared dreams help orient a relationship – fostering togetherness and a mutual sense of direction Something that can be done immediately without carry-over most likely won't have the same turningtoward impact that long-term dreams would have.

Getting a dog has emotional carry-over because you continue to raise it together – this is good; a weekend getaway is a positive activity for a relationship in several ways, but once the weekend is complete only residual emotions carry-over, which eventually will dissipate without new goals – this is less effective as a long-term togetherness goal.

2

Swap lists and read your partner's dreams aloud to each other. Discuss each dream on the list with your partner. What attracts your partner to each dream? Mentally note the areas that interest you as well.

3

Find the common ground. Your lists may not always align, and often they don't at first glance.

This is okay. After hearing your partner's thoughts about each dream, discuss where you may have interest or can fit into those dreams, even if you have to be creative. Sometimes a partner may want certain dreams to be individual without the partner involved. This is okay, as long as there are shared dreams as well.

4

Take written note of all common ground. As you discuss the lists, take written note the original dreams, secondary dreams, and other common ground. 

2012 OCTOBER І 43

5

Create the shared list (the Relationship Dream List). Combine the original, secondary dreams, and common ground into one list.

Present it as you'd like, as only you and your partner need to be able to understand the list.

6

Add and prioritize. Discuss other things you'd like to do together in your lives that may have been excluded from your individual lists. Add these to your new shared list, and prioritize the list.

The Relationship Dream List isn't meant to be a to-do list. Your shared dreams create an underlying sense of mutual direction in your relationship, while also creating greater meaning and a foundation of turning towards each other. Unwelcome routines and other day-to-day issues may still come into the picture and temporarily push our relationships to the side, however, shared dreams can strengthen the basis and create a continuous sense of togetherness in our relationships.

Nathan Feiles, LMSW Nathan Feiles, MSW, LMSW is a licensed master social worker in the New York City area. In his counseling practice, Nathan works with individuals, couples, families, and groups, with an inclusive goal of helping people achieve a comfortable balance in their lives. He is known to utilize a variety of treatment modalities in his work in order to best suit the needs of each person. Nathan specializes in relationships, fear of flying, life adjustments and transitions, stress and migraines, anxiety and social anxiety, and phobias. He is also the creator of Fear of Flying?...Not Anymore!, a unique therapy approach to conquering a fear of flying. He is also the founder of the NYC Migraine Support Group. For more information about Nathan Feiles’s work, including a complete list of services, please visit his website at www.therapynathan.wordpress.com. Nathan is also available for presentations and interviews regarding any of the specialties listed above.

NYC Life & Relationship Counseling Nathan Feiles, MSW, LMSW Relationships (Couples or Individual)

Migraines

Life Adjustments and Transitions

General Anxiety & Social Anxiety

Fear of Flying

Phobias

Stress Prevention

Other services also provided…

www.therapynathan.wordpress.com Ӏ Nathan.Feiles@gmail.com Ӏ (917) 407-5488

44 І OCTOBER 2012

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RECHARGE!

Career Stuck in a Career You Hate

Career Paralysis: what is it, why does it happen and what you can do to get out of it 46 І OCTOBER 2012

RECHARGE! Career

It was about 4pm on a Thursday and I was at work, managing a small team of consultants as we developed a new computer program. I’d been under pressure all day when someone asked me a question - and then it happened.

I

felt shortness of breath and my heart beating faster. There were pins and needles in my left arm and I suddenly felt dizzy.

I lurched over to the nearest desk, which happened to be the PA of the Chief Executive.

“Can you call me an ambulance?” I murmured.

“I think I’m having a heart attack….”

The very next day I was back at my desk.

Not because I had shrugged off a heart attack, but because what I had experienced was, in fact, a panic attack. Somehow, the stress of doing my job had got the better of me and my mind had spun into panic.

I had long disliked my job, of course. I found it meaningless, but it paid well and it seemed too late to try anything else. So I was resigned to putting up with it and generally living for the weekend, the next holiday…and perhaps beyond that, retirement.

Now I was faced with the idea that maybe I wasn’t coping that well.

How had I got here? How had I lost my way like this?

This is a story of how people get stuck in jobs they hate and why this is happening to more and more of us.

How did you get stuck?

In Ernest Hemingway’s The Sun Always Rises one character asks: “How did you go bankrupt?”

“Two ways” comes the reply, “gradually then suddenly” And in a nutshell that explains how so many of us get trapped in jobs we dislike.

Most of us make a series of what seemed like rational, logical decisions to get where we did. We make a decision to take a job because we need one. Sometimes we choose a job because it pays well or sounds good at dinner parties. Then we take a promotion.

And then we move to get away from that awful boss or

because it looks good on a CV. And then we stay because moving would surely be too difficult now…

None of these decisions is a bad decision per se.

But taken together they reflect a ‘safety first’ bias whose short term costs are hard to detect, but whose long term costs bring a creeping sense of meaninglessness. Then we feel trapped – career paralysis.

About three years after that first panic attack I left my office and set out on a new road; to become a psychologist. I wanted to know what made people tick, but really I wanted to know what had happened to me.

How had I got stuck?

As part of my retraining I specifically looked at the reasons behind career paralysis, and why this seemed so common. This line of research eventually led me to start my own business, The Career Psychologist, which specialises in helping get people unstuck and moving forward with purpose.

The main thing my research showed me is that getting stuck is down to the way our brains work. In fact, I now believe that understanding this is the key to beating career paralysis. And the key point can be summarised in one sentence: When it comes to finding meaning and fulfillment the mind is not our enemy, but neither is it our friend.

The Evolution of the Brain

Imagine millions of years ago you are out on the Savannah Plains with a friend who turns to you and says: ‘See that dark blob out on the horizon? Do you reckon that’s a bear or a blueberry bush?’

You squint into the sunshine and you say: “I think that’s a bear”.

But your friend is an optimist. He disagrees and marches off in the direction of the dark blob. Scared, you go off home, back to the cave. Some hours later your friend comes back, covered in blueberry juice.

He hands out blueberries to the girls and is generally Mr Popular. You feel a bit stupid. 

2012 OCTOBER І 47

The next day, the same thing happens and the day after that. But the following week the same thing happens again. That nagging voice inside your head tells you not to take a risk – it could be a bear. By now your friend is so confident he barely registers any doubt, so off he goes...

That evening something strange happens. Your confident, optimistic friend does not return. By the next day he is still not back…and the genes that get passed on are not his, but yours.

We evolved from thousands of generations of people who saw the bear, not the blueberry bush. Our minds evolved to keep us safe, not satisfy our longing for meaning and fulfillment.

In his famous TED talk, the Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert makes a similar point: “Our brains evolved for a very different world from today. A world in which people lived in very small groups, rarely met anybody different from themselves, had short lives with few choices and where the highest priority was to eat and mate today.”

If we think about the world today there is almost no part of this sentence which has not utterly changed.

And yet, in evolutionary terms the time period in which these changes have taken part has been no more than a blink of an eye. The result is that we are using a tool (our brains) that evolved to do one particular job (i.e. survive) to help us find meaning and fulfillment.

And for many of us that simply gets us stuck.

The Five Reasons Why We Get Headstuck

There are five main reasons why we get stuck:

1

Too much choice.

We usually think of choice as a good thing, but Professor Barry Schwartz showed that when we are faced with more than about 6 options we find it far harder to make a decision. And then even when we do make a decision we often look back and worry about the decisions we made, becoming less satisfied with them by wondering what might have been. Many of us facing career change are stuck not because we have too few options but because we have too many – it’s the paradox of choice.

2

Negative bias.

We evolved to ‘see the bear’, and today this shows up in many different ways. We pay far more attention to negative comments than to positive for example. It takes about 5 positive comments to every negative for

48 І OCTOBER 2012

a marriage to work successfully. And in terms of careers this means we tend to see the risks involved in change, rather than the opportunities.

3

Decision by comparison.

Dan Ariely, Professor of Psychology at MIT, showed that our decisions are not rational or based on what we value long term. Rather we make decisions based on comparisons with others. So in terms of careers we pursue jobs that sound good or that pay well based on comparisons with our peers, even if the job itself has no intrinsic value to us or makes us miserable.

4

The brain thinks in patterns.

In the 1940s the psychologist Karl Duncker gave participants a candle, a box of nails, and some matches, asking them to attach the candle to the wall.

 He found that participants tried to nail the candle directly to the wall or glue it to the wall by melting it.

Very few of them thought of using the inside of the nail box as a candle-holder and nailing this to the wall. The participants were “fixated” on the box’s normal function of holding nails.

In decision making, this is called ‘functional fixedness’ and what is relevant to career changes is that functional fixedness has been shown to apply to our own identities, as well as objects. This can lead to a belief that we can only do what we’ve always done. 

RECHARGE! Career

5

Experiential avoidance.

Research from clinical psychology shows us that the way our brains evolved to think actually discourages us from moving in the direction of our long-term values. We try to avoid the uncertainty of change by not moving – something called experiential avoidance.

Very often we find that people get stuck because they discover that nearly all their decisions been made in the service of one overriding goal: the avoidance of pain.

There was no single moment when I noticed my career was unsustainable. I even put the panic attack down to a bad week. It was only over time that I realised that I was wasting my life.

Even then I found it hard to know how to get unstuck. It was only when I began to make a series of small behavioural changes (which my mind told me were a waste of time) that my life began to change.

How to Start Getting Unstuck

Career change is not about change, it’s about transition – something that changes within us.

But transitions don’t happen by thinking differently.

They happen by behaving differently. Many people think that thoughts precede behaviour, but in fact this is a myth. Most times our thoughts simply follow our behaviour. Internal change doesn’t just happen, it is constructed.

1

Exercise.

If there is one thing you can do to help any transition it’s to keep moving.

Whatever it takes, make sure you exercise every day, even if that means taking a walk at lunchtime or part of the way home.

With nearly all my clients I find this to be critical, as though physical movement is somehow a metaphor for psychological change.  Face the pain.

Try to notice what it is exactly that pains you about your current job. What have you got right? What is wrong? What is missing from your life? What do you need more of? And less of? Be honest. Write it down.

2

3

Keep a journal.

To all clients, I suggest keeping a journal in which they write about what captures their imagination, what annoys them, what fires them and what inspires them.

However trivial, start collecting clues to your new life…

4

Establish financial control.

You need to know what you spend each month and what savings you have. You need to know how long you can live without income if you need to. You need to be able to anticipate best and worst case scenarios. Oh, and you need to know how could can start saving more money…you will need it.

5

Get into action.

We cannot think ourselves into a new career. We need to be willing to move first before a new direction appears. So, try to identify a list of actions which would be useful or interesting or revealing prior to serious consideration of your next career move. That might be anything from taking some interesting courses, speaking to people in jobs you admire, setting up a small project or identifying sources of funding – whatever – make a list and then get on with doing.

As Goethe said, there is magic in starting something: “Whatever you can do or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”

Next month: how to get unstuck

by Rob Archer

Rob Archer Rob is a Chartered Occupational Psychologist and management consultant with over 15 years’ consulting experience in both public and private sectors.

Rob set up The Career Psychologist in 2008 with the aim of helping those who are stuck in terms of career direction. Through a combination of applied psychology, decision science, psychometric tests and 1 to 1 sessions, The Career Psychologist helps get people unstuck and moving forward with purpose. Rob writes regularly on the psychology of career change and meaning in work on his blog, Headstuck! Rob Archer’s website www.thecareerpsychologist.com

2012 OCTOBER І 49

How to Become the Go-To Guy (or Gal) in Your Office In a world of drab, bare-minimum employees counting down the minutes till they can leave, a person who can be counted on to deliver in any situation is invaluable. Seth Godin calls them Linchpins. I call them the Go-To Guy (or Girl).

(For the purposes of this piece, I’ll refer to the Go-To Guy to avoid any he/she confusion. But Go-To Girls are every bit as prevalent – and awesome.)

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RECHARGE! Career

G

o-Tos are the ones everyone instinctively checks with when a tricky problem comes up – because somehow, they always know what to do. They always keep their heads in a crisis.

They’re always happy to help out, they’re energizing to be around and they instantly boost the morale of anyone they come in contact with.

They are the office equivalent of superheroes. And anyone can be one. (Well, almost anyone – see caveat below.)

Why the Go-Tos Get It All

Caveat: If your reaction to the thought of being a Go-To is “Gah! So much extra work and responsibility!

Why would I want that?”, then you’re not Go-To material. Don’t even try to be. It won’t work.

If, however, your reaction is more along the lines of “Interesting…What’s in it for me?” – here’s your answer: Respect. Even if he’s a lowly file clerk, a Go-To somehow manages to get the respect of even the highest up on the totem pole. His questions are answered, his voice is heard and no one hovers over his shoulder to make sure he’s getting his work done.

Why? Because he’s proven time and again that he can be trusted and that he delivers consistent, superior results. And even if you are “a lowly file clerk,” being a respected lowly file clerk can make you feel important and valuable – which goes a long way towards enjoying your job, whatever it is.

Networking Advantage. “Have you ever met that personal assistant over at Jones & Jones? He’s a dynamo.”

“I know him! We had a crisis with the Smith closing, and you should have seen how he handled it. Jones is lucky to have him.”

“I’m telling you, if he ever leaves J&J, we’re snapping him up.”

“Not if we do first!”

That hot-ticket employee they’re discussing? Yeah, that could be you. Your reputation doth proceed you – and it doth do you good if you’re a Go-To.

Stellar Recommendations. If you ever decide to leave your job for something else, a few positively sparkling recommendations won’t hurt. Heck, if you’re as good as they say you are, you’ll probably have a few offers already lined up. (See above.)

Leverage, Baby. This is by far the most important perk of being a Go-To. If you have dreams of negotiating a flexible schedule or work-from-home arrangement…If you’re sick of being stuck in a cube and angling for that new office that just opened up…If your kid gets sick and you need extra time off without getting wrist-slapped by the employee handbook…Leverage is the tool that will get you there.

Being a key asset your company can’t live without gives you plenty of negotiating power. Any boss who knows what’s good for their business will do everything they can to hold on to a Go-To (within reason).

Just make sure you use your powers for good and not evil, okay?

Being a key asset your company can’t live without gives you plenty of negotiating power.

How to Become a Go-To

So. You’re up for the challenge of being the office superhero. (Good for you!) Here are the steps you need to take to earn your Go-To Guy (or Girl!) cape: Be Agreeable. So­ unds rather mild for a superhero, doesn’t it?

But in a workplace full of people who b*tch and moan over every copier jam or extra project, being cheerful and happy to take on whatever’s thrown your way can really make you shine.

Do what’s asked of you with a smile, offer to help others if you’ve got some extra time, thank the people who help you out. These seem like such small gestures, but you’d be amazed how rare it is to find someone who’s just happy to be of assistance.

Keep Calm and Carry On. Deadline will blow up.

Big deals will suddenly crumble. That’s the nature of working anywhere; sometimes sh** happens. But while everyone else is panicking and pointing fingers, a Go-To gets down to work to see what he can do to damage control.

Be cool. Be collected. Be a rock that others can depend on. The next time a critical project comes up that needs extra-special care, guess who the boss is going to think of first for the job? 

2012 OCTOBER І 51

Go Above and Beyond. If your report is due on Monday, turn it in on Friday (with a few extra stats thrown in that you weren’t required to include, but that you thought the company would find helpful). If you’re filing and you notice the system’s a little hard to navigate, propose a better way to organize it. Heck, if the coffee pot is out of water and that’s technically “the receptionist’s job,” refill it yourself – then wipe up the spills around it.

This one is tricky, because you don’t want to come across as a suck-up. The key is in giving extra as though it’s a matter of course. (“Oh yeah, I noticed the ABC Corp. deadline is next week, so I thought it might be helpful to send out that status report to the team to make sure we’re all on the same page. It only took me a minute; don’t worry about it.”)

Don’t be pushy or showy about the fact that you’re doing more; just do more because you’re a good worker and you care about the company. People will notice.

Always Be Learning. Most employees are happy just to do their jobs, day in and day out, and remain totally ignorant of anything that doesn’t fall within their “need to know” scope. But a Go-To is a curious and ambitious person. He likes to make connections between tasks, look up terms and procedures he doesn’t understand, ask intelligent questions to help himself see the big picture more clearly. And because of this, his areas of knowledge and expertise are always growing.

I started off as a temp at my law firm, filling in for a secretary on maternity leave for a few weeks while I was in college. Eleven years later, I am a paralegal who has gradually negotiated herself down to a parttime schedule to accommodate her side hustle. How did I rise through the ranks? Through all of the above.

You can do it, too. And I can tell you from experience that it’s worth it.

by Kelly Gurnett

Kelly Gurnett This post originally published on Brazen Life. Kelly Gurnett is Assistant Editor of Brazen Life and runs the blog Cordelia Calls It Quits, where she documents her attempts to rid her life of the things that don’t matter and focus more on the things that do. You can follow her on Twitter and Facebook.

52 І OCTOBER 2012

Invest in Yourself We are our own greatest asset.

We live in a world where personal branding, personal development and very profound personal knowledge are becoming more and more important – not only as an employer but also as an employee.

We are our own best product. And in order to keep improving and be on top of our game, we must continually improve our skills, update our knowledge, broaden our horizon and work on our efficiency.

In order to invest in yourself, you can choose from plenty of options these day: the Internet, coaches, conferences, books, magazines or even sabbaticals.

Let’s break these areas down, shall we?

1

Internet

The Internet is most certainly the most affordable and convenient source of wealth. You can find free resources on every imaginable topic, offering endless possibilities to improve yourself.

However, be careful in choosing the sites you rely on!

Only trust sites whose content is written by experts or people you trust and regularly controlled plus updated.

By choosing these sites as your source for personal development, you’re off to a great start! They will enable you to become more confident, get to know your strengths, discover (previously) neglected skills and talents, are able to clarify your goals, stop procrastinating and blaming others for your life, begin to take action, fall in love with yourself and take good care of your health. These are all steps that contribute to your personal development, and they all play an integral part in developing your personal brand.

It’s up to you to use the World Wide Web strategically and, instead of surfing around mindlessly, to thrive on its vast opportunities.

2

Books & Magazines

Learning doesn’t stop after you’ve graduated from high school or college, or at least it shouldn’t. Reading is one of the best ways to continually keep your mind engaged. You don’t have to read about your own field of expertise all the time; that would get boring really fast. Instead, read about 

RECHARGE! Career but it is also a way of learning more about your profession and yourself.

I know conferences are pricey, but they are usually worth every penny. When I went to BlogWorld Expo in November 2011, I had never heard of blogging before as a way to make money, but here I am today writing and (thereby) earning a living. During the conference, I got to know many influential people whom I still approach for advice for personal and business-related problems and challenges. The concepts I learned about blogging during those 3 days have built the base of my business, and I have no doubt that investing the money to fly to LA was the right decision.

See where you can carve out some money to experience the benefits of a high-caliber conference in your field of expertise!

Turn your life and your career from average to highly extraordinary other topics that interest you, study fascinating biographies, dip into books written in a different language or learn new skills. Just never stand still.

3

Coaches

Working with a coach who knows your specific needs, problems, goals and weaknesses is extremely beneficial. This option, thought more expensive than the Internet, will help you and your career in a myriad of ways.

With his or her outside perspective, a coach brings new ideas to the table. While your own experiences often hold you back from thinking outside the box, a coach will help you find new insights in all areas of your life. By gently nudging you, a coach will help you come to your conclusions yourself, which is not only extremely effective but also empowering and rewarding.

4

Conferences

Going to conferences in your field of expertise is not only highly beneficial in the networking area,

5

Sabbaticals

If you feel especially brave, take a sabbatical and broaden your horizon by traveling the world.

There’s nothing that helps your personal growth more than being thrown into new cultures, speaking new languages and experiencing new ways of seeing the world.

Leave your comfort zone behind and throw yourself into the unexpected. You’ll soon see that you’ll learn to master challenges much more confidently and much more creatively than before.

The take-away message here is to not only invest in paintings or new kitchen appliances but also – and even more importantly – in yourself and your personal and professional development. Taking the time to grow as a person and allowing yourself to spend money on your ever-continuing education will turn your life and your career from average to highly extraordinary.

by Anne-Sophie Reinhardt

Anne-Sophie Reinhardt Anne-Sophie Reinhardt is an anorexia survivor, body image expert and the owner of aMINDmedia.

She empowers you to achieve a healthier and more successful life by returning to your true purpose and values. Learn more at www.aMINDmedia. com and subscribe to the newsletter at www. amindmedia.com/empoweredliving.

2012 OCTOBER І 53

RECHARGE!

Tales of Life

By Kimanzi Constable

How I

t was a cold Wisconsin morning; the temperature was hovering around a blistering ten degrees. It was two a.m. and I was tired but I needed this job to pay my bills.

I got to the first store and got the lift out to get three stacks of bread that I was delivering to that store. As I put the first stack on the lift, the wind was blowing and the stack was shaking a little bit. I got the second stack and put it on the lift and things were definitely looking a little sketchy.

I was an impatient person so instead of trusting my gut I decided to go ahead and put the third stack on the lift anyways. As soon as I got the third stack on the lift, boom! All three stacks fell and to make matters worse, as the bread fell I went down with it.

So there I was on an extremely cold and windy morning, on the ground with three hundred loves of bread that I had to pick up, I wanted to quit on the spot!

Can you relate? Has a situation with your work ever made you want to quit on the spot?

Your work affects other areas of your life

What happens when you have a bad day at work? You come home and try to forget about what happened, right? You might have yourself convinced that you’re over whatever happened but are you really?

Have you noticed that you get irritated a little easier then normal that you’re on edge? Think about it, you’re spending forty hours plus out of the one hundred sixty eight hours of your week at work. How can you tune that out?

When you’re miserable at work, it will affect other areas of your life, that’s why it’s so important to do work that compliments our life. I found this lesson out the hard way by constantly being miserable at my job and coming home and exploding. That’s why I deter-

54 І OCTOBER 2012

Will You Spend Those Forty Hours a Week? mined to do something about it.

Job security is a thing of the past

I don’t know if you noticed but the economy is not so great. As a result companies went from struggling to find a good employee to having a surplus of people who are eager to work for them.

The days of working for a company for forty years, retiring and getting a pension are gone. Now I know there’s always an exception to the rule but a lot of companies don’t even offer a pension anymore. This old system is far too costly for companies and for some of them they need to keep the costs down just to survive.

Change can be hard but we have to be ready to adjust to these new times and the new reality. So how will you adjust?

We have so much opportunity that wasn’t available a few years ago

Do you realize the incredible advantage we have with the rise of the internet and social media? In the past if you wanted to start a business or something on the side you had to go through a number of gatekeepers, they held all the cards.

Now you can start a business online for free and promote it for free through social media. You can do all this and side step all those gatekeepers.

For twelve years I was in a job that made me miserable and I wanted to quit so bad I thought about working at Mc Donald’s. I don’t have a college degree and I don’t have any special skills so what could I do?

I saw what was going on online and decided to go for it and I’m glad I did. It wasn’t easy and many times I crashed and burned but to be where I’m at now is completely worth it. I’m truly happy!

Is there an online business you can start? There’s a market for everything online, the more focused the 

RECHARGE! Tales of Life niche, the better your chances of success are. The beauty is the cost and the time factor makes it very appealing for the “average Joe.”

Fighting doubt and fear

So you’ve decided you want more and you might even try out this new fangled internet thing, beware! As soon as you decide to strive for more in your life, get ready to have doubt and fear.

You’ll hear that little voice in the back of your head that will tell you that you can never make it, that no matter how hard you’ll work it won’t be enough. You’ve heard this voice, haven’t you?

It gets worse, once you make positive moves and you have some success, those voices get louder and you start hearing them from other people. As you probably already know there’s always someone out there that wants to make themselves feel better by putting you down.

When I wrote my first book I would hear the voice of doubt telling me the book wouldn’t sell any copies, my confidence wasn’t very high and I had given up before I really started. The book came out and it tanked.

I regrouped, ignored the doubt and pushed forward; I had the support from an amazing group of friends which I talked about last month. I put in a lot of hard work and decided instead of focusing on making money, I would focus on helping people get through what I was going through.

The crazy thing was the book started to sell, go figure! Even after the book had sold ten thousand copies, I still heard the voice of doubt telling me it would be enough. Once I had achieved some success, doubt decided to refocus and focus on another area.

In your mind it just will never be enough and doubt loves to use that.

During the time of the writing of the book and the time that the book started selling, my doubts and fears were fed by other people telling me the book would tank. I don’t need to tell you how negative people can get; you’ve probably experienced this in your own life no doubt.

The bottom line is if you’re to move onto better work or start your dream business, you have to ignore and fight your doubts and fears. That’s the only way you’ll make it to the next level.

Life is too short

Life is too short to spend such a big part of your week miserable and we’ve already seen how it affects other areas of your life. It’s time to get honest with yourself,

are you happy? Are you doing work that you’re passionate about, that you wake up excited to do everyday?

From early on it’s almost like we’re programmed a certain way and it’s been that way for a long time.

You’re told to graduate high school, go to college and get a degree and when you get out companies will be lined up to give you a career.

You’ll work there forty or fifty years and retire fully vested. The question that I really asked myself last year was is this really how I envisioned my life? Is this what you envisioned for your life?

I’m not young anymore and maybe you’re not either, but it’s never too late and never have you had an opportunity like we have today. Can you imagine a life where you woke up every morning excited to go to work? Sounds crazy, right?

Yet everyday millions of people wake up this way and if you looked at their life you couldn’t tell the difference between when they’re working and when they’re “playing.” Work doesn’t and shouldn’t be a situation that makes you miserable, yet we allow it too.

I know every all the arguments you’ll make because I’ve made them, I know you have bills to pay and families to support, so do I. Don’t get me wrong, even you’re at work that makes you miserable I’m not advocating you to quit on the spot, that just plain stupid.

This isn’t the movies where everything just works out in the end; it’s going to take a lot of hard work and a great amount of hustle. If you are tired of spend forty hours a week wishing for more, then you can do something about it.

It’s time to wake up to the new reality of our economy, and our work. It’s time to stop settling and claim the full and abundant life you deserve.

Kimanzi Constable Kimanzi Constable is an author who has self-published two eBooks and sold over 45,000 copies.

His first published book will be out this February. For twelve years he has worked at a job he has absolutely hated, last year he decided to do something about it. He is an international speaker, coach and consultant. His mission is to help people live the full and abundant life they deserve. You can find him at talesofwork.com.

2012 OCTOBER І 55

RECHARGE!

Performance

the friendly anarchist… at Work 56 І OCTOBER 2012

RECHARGE! Performance

with Srinivas Rao from Blogcast FM and The Skool of Life Abbreviated version Fabian Kruse: Hello everybody, I’m Fabian from the Friendly Anarchist, and I’m here with Srini from Blogcast FM and The Skool of Life, and I’d like to talk to him a bit about his workday in this At Work interview.

Srinivas Rao: Thanks for having me, Fabian.

So, to get started, what is the kind of work that you do? How many different areas of focus do you have?

I have two primary areas of focus. As most people know who are prolific bloggers, I’m the host and cofounder of Blogcast FM, a show where I interview business experts, bloggers, bestselling authors and successful entrepreneurs and over the last two years I’ve interviewed over 200 people. So that’s one thing that I focus on.

And then my other project is my personal blog. It’s called the Skool of Life where I write about things you should have learned at school but never did. That being the main theme, but really the underlying premise of it is really self-help, personal development, so that lends itself to being able to write about a lot of different things.

So basically your main work during the day is connecting with more people, interacting with them, and then of course the actual creation of the interviews and writing blog posts?

Yeah, I would say it is a combination of connecting with people and creating. But I think that’s actually an interesting observation. Because I’m trying to - believe it or not - spend less time connecting and more on the creating. And that’s a kind of weird balancing act for somebody like me. Because the nature of my platform is that it’s completely depending on connecting with

people. But I recently interviewed Chris Guillebeau and I asked him: Chris, what is the secret to somebody who achieves so much in three years? Why would somebody like Chris Guillebeau achieve what he has in three years, when there are plenty of other people who started at the same time he did but never achieved near the level of success? And he said he spends 50% of his time connecting and 50% creating, and I would say that that actually is a pretty solid balance and that’s what I’ve been aiming for: To spend less time on lowimpact activities.

It kind of got me thinking about how I do spend my time; so yeah, I would say it’s a combination of creating and connecting. And connecting is a necessity for me. My entire online presence is fueled by connecting, especially Blogcast FM, coz I’m constantly on the lookout for new guests.

So, getting back for a moment to the routines: You said you just grab a coffee and you sit down to write. So do you keep your browser closed, do you keep your social media applications closed?

That’s a great question. One of the things that I found, especially as somebody who has an incredibly short attention span, I discovered something called the distraction-free writing tool. It’s funny because I realize what most people do, especially early-stage writers, when they write they actually don’t focus on the writing, they focus on the formatting and the layout and all this nonsense which is all irrelevant. Because your goal is to actually write.

So I use something called a distraction-free writing tool. So what you get basically is just a black screen.

It looks like a terminal from the 1980s or something.

And it’s just black screen with green text - and I just write. And that, I think, is hands-down one of the most valuable things that anybody can do to increase their productivity as a writer.

2012 OCTOBER І 57

So that’s some application like Writeroom?

There’s Writeroom; the one I use is called MacJournal; there’s a few other things online, but I think Writeroom and MacJournal are the two big ones. Coz here’s the thing: If you write a blog post in Wordpress the problem with that is that you’ve still got all the bells and whistles of [an app like] Microsoft Word. There are a thousand other features that are not really relevant until you’re ready to start laying out and doing formatting. Coz the key is to get the piece written. You can always go back and edit, you can always go back and format, but if you don’t get it written you waste time on things like that and it’s kind of pointless.

So when it comes to actually sitting down to work, to which place do you normally go? I know you’re currently at a coffee shop, so are there any important things in your work environment, or is it generally coffee shops, outside, or some other place?

No, the only reason I’m in a coffee shop at the moment is because I’m in New York City and I just wanted a change

of scenery - and there are cute girls at coffee shops. I don’t wanna sit around in my friend’s apartment where I’m staying, it’s just too quiet. But on the flip side of that, I think that it really depends on each person. I know that some people need a stimulus in their environment and I actually think that staying in one place too long is not good for productivity.

And that’s the other thing: I think these marathon work sessions are nonsense. Even Tony Schwartz who runs this huge thing called The Energy Project has talked about this: He says that really we should be taking a 15 to 20 minute break every hour to hour-and-a-half.

And most people don’t do that. They sit for this sort of marathon sessions. And I found that rarely works for me, especially with my short attention span.

I think the key is to work in focused blocks, even if they are short blocks. Because you can get a lot done in 45 minutes if you’re just singularly focused and you don’t multitask. You shut down everything, but you realize, okay, it’s only 45 minutes. So you use a timer or something, and the thing that’s nice about those short blocks is they’re not grueling in the way these sort of marathon sessions are.

Being a workaholic is treated like some sort of accolade in this culture

58 І OCTOBER 2012

RECHARGE! Performance So I think the guys from 37 Signals really nailed it when they said that being a workaholic is treated like some sort of accolade in this culture. It’s like a bragging right: People come and brag about how many hours they work.

Yeah, the early you come and the late that you go, stuff like that…

Yeah, and what’s interesting is that there’s very little correlation between how much somebody produces and how many hours they work. Probably my second most popular blog post is called Why the 8 Hour Workday Doesn’t Make Sense, and it’s all about how we structure our work. And I think that this notion of an 8 hour workday came from the industrial revolution, right? In those days we said: Okay, the more hours you work the more widgets we can produce. And now we’ve entered an information era where it’s not about the number of things you produce, but about the quality of things, and things that have lasting value. I mean: Who cares how long it takes to produce if it gets produced? This misperception of the number of hours relating to quality of work is ridiculous.

Especially because if you’re doing this writingwork, thinking-work, much of it happens in the background. Like what you mentioned: When you’re going to the beach, when you’re playing in the water, that’s when a lot of work happens subconsciously, and later on you only have to bring it down to paper or onto the screen.

And that can happen really fast! It doesn’t have to take hours. I think that’s something that we need to get over as a society. And here’s another ridiculous example: If you are about to have surgery, would you be comfortable knowing that your doctor has been working for 90 hours that week?

Yeah, and then the other balance that you mentioned is basically: Think about how you could conserve even the small gems of work that you produce over the day, and put them into something that has a longer shelf-life, that won’t get lost so rapidly.

Exactly. And I’ve given a very long answer to your question, but I’ll sum it up this way: People have to think about content development in a much more strategic manner. Like I said, I can’t claim that this is all my

own insights. I’ve been very fortunate in that I’ve got to pick the brains of people much smarter than me for almost two-and-a-half years. And what I’ve gathered and observed is that they’re very strategic and intentional about how they develop content. There’s an end goal to all of it. And what you’ll see if you read many of their books, you read a lot of their ebooks, you’ll see the seeds for it. It all started in blog posts. It was all kind of headed in that direction. So I think that we make bigger projects more complicated than they need to be, because we don’t break them up into pieces.

Cool. So, finally, last question, do you have anything else that you’d like to share concerning your typical work day or any other productivity advice?

Like I said, probably for me one of the most important thing is having that sort of fuel for your fire. And the other thing is that I think that what we’ve done is, we’re obsessed with productivity, right? And we’re so obsessed with productivity that it’s getting in the way of getting things done.

Absolutely. Because we spend so much time trying to set up lists instead of really working on the stuff that matters.

Yeah, exactly. So I guess if I could conclude it in one way I would say: Do the work that actually matters and don’t worry about the rest of it. Because the rest of it is just mechanics.

Perfect! That’s a perfect final statement! Thanks so much Srini, great to have you on this At Work interview!

No problem!

by Fabian Kruse

Fabian Kruse Kruse is a location-independent writer, thinker, artist, activist and idler. On The Friendly Anarchist blog, special attention is given to the topics of working and idling beyond the 9 to 5 grind, the creative lifestyle and how to do things (un)productively.

2012 OCTOBER І 59

5

Strategies to Minimize Distractions and Maximize Productivity

I

n this digital age, we are always on and always connected. There are always a dozen demands in a dozen different directions. We are overwired, and it is changing what we do, how we do it, how we think, and how effective we are. Business owners are at an even higher risk for being overwired. We have the work of running the business, plus the added demands of being responsive to clients, associates and employees. We have to make sure everyone has what they need, and this often comes at the cost of overwiring ourselves.

Unfortunately, living and working overwired diminishes our productivity, cripples our short-term intelligence, and impairs our ability to retain knowledge long-term. Yes, the ripple effect of all that technology isn’t just distracting you, it may be making you dumb.

It is certainly making you less effective. And that’s an expensive problem.

Based on conservative estimates from my book, Rewired: How to Work Smarter, Live Better, and Be Purposefully Productive in an Overwired World, two bad habits brought on by overusing technology can be costing you over 48% of your salary every year.

The culprits? Interruptions and multitasking. Studies show time and again that distractions cost big bucks (upwards of $700 billion a year in lost revenues for American companies alone). But we don’t have to live and work overwired. We can break the cycle of distraction.

Here are five simple strategies to minimize distractions, maximize productivity and rewire for greater results.

#1. Break the email addiction

Email is a pervasive interrupter and is at the heart of multitasking. We’ve all felt the pressure of email: So many messages, so little time, and so many important projects demanding our attention. Why do we get hooked on email? Well, we are neurologically wired to seek out novelty, and there is always something “new” in our inbox. We are also wired to seek out connection, so email fits this neurological bill nicely. Except that it’s insidious.

60 І OCTOBER 2012

Here is how you can free yourself (and others) from the tyranny of email:

 Clarify expectations – What is an appropriate response time for email? Is it one hour?

One day? Who needs to be cc’d on what? A little clarity will free you and your colleagues.  Celebrate solutions, not empty inboxes – All too often the urge to hit emails back overshadows our commitment to answer the problem at hand. Who needs to be involved? What is the ideal way to communicate? Is it easier and more productive to call?  Schedule regular, finite blocks of time for email – Stop checking your email every five minutes, or whenever the little red icon appears. Instead, schedule time to check your email, and do only that. Set aside maybe 15 minutes, once an hour or so. Then don’t check again.

Turn off the email alert and try closing down your email program completely.

#2. Limit your gadgets

We all love our gadgets, but do you really need so many? Most of us have a desktop, a laptop, an iPad, an iPod, a Blackberry, and/ or an iPhone all going at once.

Too much is too much. Only use what you need, when you need it. If possible:

 Limit yourself to two machines at a time – a phone and whichever machine you will work on.  Shut down the others or put them away.  Try to limit all your calls to one number – so you don’t have to answer two phones.

#3. Use technology in your favor

Technology may have driven us to distraction, but it is important to remember that it is absolutely wonderful,

RECHARGE! Performance too, and we can use it to our advantage. Use technology, instead of letting it use you!

For example:

 Use your spam filter judiciously -Isn’t it nice to have a less cluttered inbox? And all those lists and blasts? Take the time to opt out. Better yet, don’t sign up in the first place.  Let calls go to voicemail – Unless it is critical for you to take the call, let it go to voicemail. Return the call during a time when you aren’t focused on a project.  Use call forwarding – This helps you limit the number of phones you have to answer.

#4. Prevent brain drain.

We’ve all had those days where we seem to do “nothing” but sit in front of a computer, and yet are exhausted at the end of the day. Why is this? How could we be so drained?

It’s because the thinking part of our brain, the prefrontal cortex, can only focus with intensity for 90 minutes. After that, attention wanes, effectiveness plummets, and precious resources are lost. When we are fatigued, we are more susceptible to interruptions. So don’t let your brain drain. Here’s how to prevent brain drain:

 Shift your state – Schedule regular breaks that shift your mental, emotional and physical state. Get up and leave your desk, and leave all screens behind. Go for a walk outside. Stretch.

Just do something completely different and active.

This allows the brain to rejuvenate and excess neurochemicals (cortisol, adrenaline, etc) to drop. It is also a great way to improve your focus.  Optimize your breaks – Meditation has a profound impact on brain health. Naps are perhaps the simplest, most potent strategy. 15 minutes horizontal relieves stress on your physical body and rejuvenates the mind. If you can, take a cat nap.

Trust me, innovative workspaces like Zappos and YouTube are keenly aware of the corporate benefits of napping. They cultivate this with nap pods and nap rooms.

#5. Become purposefully productive

Part of the challenge of living overwired is that we are always on, always connected, and never done with work. At least that’s the way we feel. Although we might be physically home with our families, we are still back

in the office in our minds. When we never shut down, not only does this disappoint our loved ones, but we never rejuvenate ourselves. It is like starting the next day with only half a tank of gas.

The key is to become purposefully productive by effectively closing out your workday. Carve out 15 minutes at the end of your day to:

 Capture outstanding projects onto one list – More technology means more input, which can mean more distractions or dropped balls. Capture the desired outcome for each item.  Delete and delegate – What is non-essential? What can be deleted? What can be delegated? What can I say no to?  Prioritize and plan – This means looking at your calendar, reviewing commitments, assessing priorities and then blocking out projects into 90-minute intervals.  Prepare – What do you need to ensure tomorrow’s success? What do you need to do, to bring, to read, etc. to optimize your commitments?

Spending time at the end of the day thinking about upcoming projects, priorities and meetings will help you get organized for the next day, and help you minimize the distractions that can so easily derail productivity.

Plus, you will not be distracted in the evening.

With a few strategies and a little discipline, you can learn to work smarter, be more productive and live happier. The key is to identify the distractions, take steps to minimize them and be proactive about keeping your brain and body as healthy as possible in our overwired world.

by Camille Preston

Camille Preston Camille Preston is the Founder and CEO of AIM Leadership, a coaching and training company focused on improving individual, team, and organizational effectiveness by developing leadership capabilities from the inside out. She serves as an adviser, guest speaker, and mentor for Compass Partners, a nonprofit collegiate organization that helps develop

2012 OCTOBER І 61

RECHARGE!

Accelerate Your Results!

Advice from Anne M. Bachrach, The Accountability Coach™

Are You a Procrastinator?

T

here’s nothing wrong with taking a break, but you know procrastination when you see it. Here’s how to recognize the signs of procrastination and stop the cycle of excuses and delays so you can achieve more success in life and in business..

If you have ever been a leader, manager, or business owner with employees, you’ve experienced what it’s like delegating an important task under deadline. From experience, you’ve probably learned who you can trust to complete the task well, and on time, when others fall short.

Have you ever delegated a time-sensitive task to an employee only to find them making excuses, waiting until the last minute, or wasting time when they should be working on your project?

It probably got you fired up.

So here’s a question for you: If you don’t tolerate procrastination from others, why would you ever tolerate procrastination from yourself?

First, let’s establish that no one is perfect and no one is completely procrastination-free, every moment of every day. However, you can spot a habitual procrastinator anywhere. Here are some common signs1:  Procrastinators are often overly optimistic about completing complex tasks in little time  Thinks and says they work best under pressure  Easily distracted and loses focus when there is no urgency  Delayed start (because they have a false sense that everything is under control, so there’s no need to jump into it immediately)  When no progress has been made, they offer reassurance that everything is under control  Action driven by panic (the realization that everything is not under control)  Scrambles last minute, working hours on end to complete a project minutes before the deadline.

62 І OCTOBER 2012

Taking the above information into consideration, answer the following three questions below.

Question #1

Do you recognize any of these signs in employees or coworkers? (Circle one) Yes

No

Question #2

How many of the characteristics listed above have you experienced at any time in your personal or professional life? (Circle one) 0-1

2-4

5-7

Question #3

How often do you find yourself exhibiting these habits? (Circle one)

Rarely Frequently Sometimes

There’s no right or wrong answer to Question #1 – procrastination is a common characteristic and often encountered in the workplace.

If you answered 0-1 in Question #2 – you probably tackle everyday and professional tasks head on without delay. If you answered 2-4, you may procrastinate sometimes. If you answered 5-7, definitely keep reading!

If you answered rarely to Question #3, that’s good – you’re probably not a habitual procrastinator. If you answered sometimes, there’s room for improvement.

However, if you answered frequently – we have some work to do.

The key is to discover the root cause of your procrastination, so you can correct it. Most procrastination is commonly rooted in the following issues2: 

RECHARGE! Accelerate Your Results!

Low self-confidence: When you’re feeling insecure about your ability to complete a task, (forget about completing it well), you probably delay it to avoid feeling “stupid.” Truth be told, you have more than enough smarts to figure it out. The good news is that the more times you tackle a task head on – and are successful – the easier it is to stop procrastinating.

Perfectionist: You’re a perfectionist and nothing less than stellar is acceptable. Give yourself a break and let go of trying to be perfect. Given your high standards your best is probably far above par. Somewhere along the line, you tied perfectionism to acceptance (or love) and love should never be dependent upon p e r fo r m an c e…ex p l o re that issue.

realization that discounting the ability of others does not increase your own. If you’re feeling insecure, go back to school or take additional training. When you expand your skill set, you can stop feeling insecure about your value.

Coping with Pressure: Procrastination may be a coping skill to dealing with feeling overwhelmed.

They delay until they have the mental stability to perform the task or wait until the very last minute to start.

While this may certainly be the case some days, the important thing to remember is not to make a habit of it. Delegate tasks temporarily or permanently to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

Will you choose to begin reducing procrastinating in your life so you can enjoy even greater successes or will you continue to let procrastination hold you back from reaching your true potential? What has to happen next for you to stop letting procrastination be your excuse? It’s easy to make excuses and it’s even easier to use those excuses to procrastinate. With a little insight into why procrastination occurs, you may be able to reduce or completely eliminate it from your personal and professional life...

Procrastination may be a coping skill to dealing with feeling overwhelmed

Rebellion: Procrastination may be your way of expressing your rebellion.

A sort of “You can’t tell me what to do, I’ll do it when I’m good and ready.” This probably didn’t work when you tried to use it with your parents (or it did work and that’s why you use it as an adult), but it definitely will NOT work with your boss. If you’re an entrepreneur – well, you’re just shooting your own foot.

Manipulation: This is a common characteristic of an insecure coworker or manager. “They can’t start without me. This project is nothing without my talent.”

This takes some personal growth to overcome and the

1 California Polytechnic University. “Procrastination.” CalPoly Student Academic Services. http://sas.calpoly.edu/asc/ssl/procrastination.html (accessed October 1, 2009).

2 California Polytechnic University. “Procrastination.” CalPoly Student Academic Services. http://sas.calpoly.edu/asc/ssl/procrastination.html (accessed October 1, 2009).

Anne M. Bachrach Anne M. Bachrach is known as The Accountability Coach™. She has 23 years of experience training and coaching. Business owners and entrepreneurs who utilize Anne’s proven systems and processes work less, make more money, and have a more balanced and successful life. Anne is the author of the book, Excuses Don’t Count; Results Rule!, and Live Life with No Regrets; How the Choices We Make Impact Our Lives. Go to www.tinyurl. com/7na68k8 and get 3 FREE gifts including a special report on 10 Power Tips for Getting Focused, Organized, and Achieving Your Goals Now. Join the FREE Silver Inner Circle Membership today and receive 10% off on all products and services, in addition to having access to assessments and resources to help you achieve your goals so you can experience a more balanced and successful life (www.accountabilitycoach.com/coaching-store/inner-circle-store/).

2012 OCTOBER І 63

Spaghetti on a Plate

Harded-Coded Time Vs. Soft-Coded Time Spaghetti on a plate. That's what many of our calendars - electronic or paper - look like. All of our appointments and lists of to-dos mixed together in one place. This accomplishes one of our goals: to get everything written down in one place.

However, it doesn't accomplish our primary goal: to get everything done in a timely fashion with minimum stress.

Another (food-related) way to look at this issue is to answer these questions:  Do you have a kitchen?  If so, do you have a silverware drawer?  And a junk drawer?  Does your calendar look like your silverware drawer or your junk drawer?

This is the fun, interactive example I use during my Focus Pocus: 24 Tricks for Regaining Command of Your Day seminar to get people thinking about how they can be more efficient and productive. The point is that getting everything into one place is the first step in efficient productivity. The second step is having a sorting system for all those things so your brain doesn't have to constantly sort things before selecting which to do next.

Why Sorting is Better

A Sorting System

Paul H. Burton

A simple way to sort the demands on your time is to consider appointments hard-coded time and to-dos soft-coded time. Here's a working definition for each:  Hard-Coded Time. Periods during which you must be physically or telephonically present, focused on a pre-determined topic. Any form of meeting or teleconference is a classic example of hard-coded time. So are doctor's appointments, airline flights and soccer games.  Soft-Coded Time. Periods during which you have available time work on the things you determine are most important or of highest priority. Tasks, to-dos, and projects are classic soft-coded time. So is writing a monthly time management newsletter!

64 І OCTOBER 2012

The reason a sorting system makes us more effective is because the brain is better at integration-type behaviors than it is at list-tracking behaviors. That is, we're better at fitting the soft-coded to-dos in between the hard-coded appointments than we are at tracking all of the hardcoded and soft-coded items.

In his book "Brain Rules," John Medina dispels the wives tale that we can track up to seven things at a time. In fact, current science suggests we can only keep track of about four things at once. Consider this fact in the face of the number of appointments and to-dos you have in your daily life! The answer is to use some simple tools to give your brain a hand.

Sort and Forever Forget

Sorting things between hard-coded time and soft-coded time gives your brain a leg up on aligning your efforts with what most needs doing. It also lessens the load on the mechanical process of differentiating between when you are scheduled and what you need to do.

by Paul H. Burton

Paul is a former corporate finance attorney, software executive, and serial entrepreneur.

As a nationally recognized time management expert, he helps lawyers and legal professionals regain control of their day, get more done, and enjoy greater personal and professional satisfaction.

Paul is the creator of the revolutionary QuietSpacing® productivity method and speaks regularly to professionals about making better use of their limited time. You can learn more about Paul and his practice at www.quietspacing.com.

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