Whirlpool
Dive in, Welcome to the dating Whirlpool, a place where some of you will dive in head first, whilst others may get sucked straight under. The Whirlpool will contain the most ridiculous but exciting moments that occur within the Dating Jungle. Some may be too weird and wonderful for everyday talk, but that’s where we come in; featuring wacky adaptations of your own personal tales that are collected and illustrated. So that even the ugliest moments can be laughed about.
First Date Freak Outs The Bad, the Weird and the Ugly
Swamp Survival Your cute, sample sale Gucci heels were a catastrophic mistake to wear on a date with 21st century Tarzan. With an inside viewing of his 9-5 training grounds, you become knee deep in swampy waters, surrounded by slugs. As he swings through the vines in nothing but his Calvins, his chiselled jaw and toned abs are not enough to overshadow this awkward performance.
You’re less of a date, and more of an employee, as he recruits you to document his fitness regime via a go pro, ready to upload to his verified Instagram account.
The Dinosaur Whisperer Your date leads you up into the mountains where there, he cries for a glimpse of his precious Triceratops. To prevent feeling like an extra from Lost, there’s a wonderful place you could have searched for Dinosaurs that didn’t require the wheezing… It’s called Google. You’re ten Snack a Jacks down before you realise you’re scoffing the bait that was brought to lure in the none-existent reptiles. With no chance of an SOS call and 4G continuing to fail you, you’re forced to smile through the blisters, sweat and tears.
Stranded in Paradise
Sailing the seas towards your newly owned island seems an extravagant gift from the date whose name you struggle to remember. Being welcomed by your pet unicorn, it becomes apparent that Mr Money bags isn’t holding back when it comes to treats. Your date may have the money, but is lacking in brains, as he leaves you stranded with no food, shelter or place to pee.
Human Guinea Pig You’re in for no less than crazy, when your date guides you down a set of dingy stairs, decorated with skulls and cat whiskers. Dating a fanatic magician was one way to expand your horizons, however as knives begin to narrowly miss your face, the regret starts to sink in. Although a man with passion is at the top of your tick list, perhaps next time it would be ideal to admire from afar‌ Possibly within a 30 mile radius of his house.
Jane Bond
We’ve all been there; you spot your ex at the bar and before you can turn to leave, you have already locked eyes with one another. Either that or you bump into the guy from work who’s been pestering you for months, despite swearing you have a husband and six children living out in Cambodia. The quickest exits seem out of reach, the clock is ticking and he’s on his way over. Forget the Martini receipt and channel your inner Jane Bond through these alternative escape routes.
Lobsters who Lunch
A girl can never be too over prepared, and thankfully your bikini’s packed and ready in your clutch bag. Swimming with lobsters was not on today’s agenda but when duty calls, you could have no choice. You shamefully cover yourself in the foliage hoping he doesn’t spot you, but be sure to swiftly avert the chef’s tongs as he reaches for his lunch.
Flushed Away
Making a dash to the Ladies bathroom, you’re horrified to find the window cleaner hard at work. Giving the toilets a double take, you know there’s no other option than to take the plunge. Although flushing yourself down the toilet would ruin your newly purchased Chanel Jacket, any alternative to engage in painful small talk with him will suffice.
Get Down and Dirty Your only cover is to roll under the nearest table, although it’s already occupied with diners this escape route will have to do. With elbow shuffling and eyes on the door you should be able to make a swift exit as soon as he turns around. The lady may be wearing open toed sandals that expose her verruca’s, but don’t let its judgemental eyes distract you from your mission.
Wrap Up Befriend the barman to receive the key to the cloakroom and crack out your camo as you hide amongst the faux fur jackets. Be vigilant of the collectors arriving minute by minute, as any one of them could mistakenly swipe you away in a hurry.
Later Alligator
It’s been exactly 2.3 minutes since I last messaged him. What’s taking him so long?
*Phone buzzes* Argh, it’s Tom!
I need to work out what this means! I must head over to the CSI, analysation wall to begin the process.
Analysation results: The data collected shows that Tom will indeed be seeing me later.
Bottoms up The first date nerves are to be expected, especially when you may have to dish to the dirt on your past affairs. Your drink of choice ultimately puts you at ease but it also gives him a closer insight into who you are and could even seal the deal for a second date! So whether it’s a cocktail you’re after or a warm beverage, take a peek into what your drink order reveals about you.
Sex on the Beach You’re the lady who embraces all aspects of the dating scene and labels herself as a ‘Covert Tinderer’. Besides the fact, it took you six hours to contour your face, you thrive from seeing your transformation as your highlighter shines bright like your personality. Any excuse to get glam is right up your street, no matter who accompanies you, you’re definitely partial to a cocktail or three.
Hot Chocolate Your mum has finally persuaded you to leave the comfort of your bedroom and give love a try. There’s only so many excuses you can make before you find yourself sat across a table from him, engaging in small talk. Being warm and cosy is more likely to satisfy you, and missing out on tonight’s episode of Coronation Street is too painful to handle.
Shot of Tequila You’re the girl who isn’t afraid to call the shots and has already planned the bar crawl for this evenings date. This ‘get together’ is more of a pre drinks before meeting your girls in town later on. Five drinks down and you’re already attempting karaoke, leaving him flushed with embarrassment from not being able to keep up with your party girl spirit.
The Devil’s got your digits Deep down you know it’s coming to an end, but part of you doesn’t have the guts to make such a rash decision. You could be staying with him for all the wrong reasons but you will never know for sure until you agonise over the pros and cons.
“He French braids his own chest hair, you know that’s not Prince Charming material”
“Who cares, think of your reputation. You need him for the Instagram likes”
“But you grunt every time he tries to contact you”
“What does she know, he drives his mum’s mercedes and you hate public transport!”
“The kissing is sloppy and the spark isn’t there”
“Well his abs of steel are enough to make anyone stay”
The Breakup Essentials
You’re on your way to call it quits with the guy you’ve been seeing; potentially breaking his heart in the process. There has been careful consideration leading up to this brutal decision but we’ve got you covered for letting him down gently.
Cue Cards If the excuses struggle to come quick and fast, a set of prepared cue cards will do the trick.
Tissues and Eye Drops
Trainers
Eyedrops to fake the emotion you’re not feeling. Tissues for him as he cries over his loss.
Sensible footwear is key to making that quick getaway. Dump and ditch.
Burner Phone Your burner phone makes the perfect exit strategy, a “family emergency” is just the touch of a button away.
Loose Cash Loose change could come in handy for a fancy Taxi ride home. Pick up point: Hell.
Bachelorettes In a state of word vomit, you’re likely to take on the role of being his full-time wing woman. Take a few bachelorette profiles to get the ball rolling.
Deal Breakers Blabber Mouth Being able to hold a conversation is essential on a date. A confident personality is usually a bonus, but if by the end of the meal you can name his ex-girlfriend’s allergies and her last holiday destination then you know it’s time to steer clear. He’s a decent guy, but maybe his love for his past flame is still burning a little too brightly.
Slobby Monster The conversation may be flowing nicely but is that really justified when talking with his mouth open gives you a front row view to his chewed up spaghetti. You’re halfway through what would’ve been a lovely Italian and all you have look at is the sauce dripping from his chin.
Mr Try too Hard The arrangement is just a causal drink at the local pub after work, just a friend of a friend that you agreed to meet up with. You’re presented with a bouquet of roses before you’ve even had chance to speak. Brushing it off as cute, you struggle to do the same for the flock of doves he releases in symbolisation of his love for you. Although he’s weird and wonderful, you’re still left convinced that you’ll never partake in a blind date again.
The Overly Attached It’s only been three dates, and already you have walked into your own home to find him sitting at the family dinner table fussing over your mum’s roast potatoes. You share an eye roll with your dog as he parades around in his brand-new one-piece, courtesy of your devoted “boyfriend”. You’re confused and bewildered as he discusses potential baby names and wedding plans, even though you are still yet to share a kiss.
Written in the stars Aries
March 21 - April 19 Be ready for new beginnings and a fresh start. You’re due one after your dentist’s unrequited love for you. Keep your eyes peeled and those pearly whites clean; let the future decide its own path.
Taurus April 20 - May 20 Friendship is key this month, remember to surround yourself with good friends and forget about the guy who promised he’d text you back. By taking a break from the dating scene you will find yourself faced with more options than ever, it’s only a matter of time.
Gemini May 21 - June 20 Don’t pretend you’re into rock climbing if you would much rather go to the cocktail bar in town. Honesty is a trait he finds attractive, so don’t let it get as far as securing the harness to then reluctantly explaining your fear of heights.
Cancer June 21 - July 22 You are usually strong in any circumstance and like to deal with situations by yourself, however this month, take the guidance you need and ask for another’s opinion. They might just introduce you to a new pizza topping.
Leo July 23 - August 22 Sticky situations are your forte, though some good luck is about to come into your life. It may be as small as finding some loose change in a coat pocket or stumbling into an old flame from the past, regardless, it’s sure to be worth the wait.
Virgo August 23 - September 22 It’s time to move forward from that embarrassing moment that happened last week. It will have already been forgotten about by others, but not for that one person who finds you beautifully imperfect.
Libra September 23 - October 22 Don’t spend the evening at home if you’re feeling a little blue. Gather together your closest girls for a spontaneous night of dances and giggles. Put on your favourite party dress that makes you feel a million dollars as you never know who you may meet up on stage.
Scorprio October 23 - November 21 Love is on the cards for you this month, when a mystery man appears in your life from a direction you were not expecting. This could be what you’ve been waiting for, so don’t go back to the guy who’s allergic to your cat.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 Clear out your mind and your wardrobe this month. A clean space leads to de-cluttered thoughts. With a refreshed approach to your life you will find that things surprisingly start to look up. Take extra care to smile at that guy at the supermarket checkout, love is found in unlikely places.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19 Just because he picks up the bill, doesn’t mean to say he’s the one. If deep down you know the spark isn’t there, then re-evaluate the situation. If you desperately need a dinner date, your girls have always got your back.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18 You’re feeling pretty loved up this month but don’t get too ahead of yourself. He’s the one you’ve been waiting for and you may have finally got it right, just remember have your wits about you – I hear he collects caterpillars as a hobby.
Pisces February 19 - March 20 Your heart may need fixing this month, and the doctor is prescribing Martinis and Maltesers. He says your symptoms of crying, and moping will be cured sooner than expected. Warning, side effects may include blurred vision from the alcohol intake.