DIMENSION OF MIRACLES
Screenplay by Martin Olson and Robert Sheckley
Based on the novel "Dimension of Miracles" by Robert Sheckley
BLACK SCREEN SFX: Babies laughing. Police sirens. Screams. Explosions. Grinding machinery. Gunshots. People arguing in foreign languages. More screams. MAIN TITLE OVER BLACK MUSIC: An eerie WALTZ accompanies the title. The strange, relaxing THEME continues in satirical contrast to FADE IN: EXT. NYC STREETS - DAY - SERIES OF SHOTS - BLACK AND WHITE (Note: The beginning and ending of the film are shot in black and white, as in The Wizard of Oz.) BEGIN OPENING CREDITS OVER A SERIES OF SHOTS: Two cars CRASHING violently at an intersection. An old woman in a second-story window arguing in Italian with another old woman on the sidewalk. A 3-year old boy laughing as he pees off a fire escape into the alley. Two punks spraying gang grafitti over rival gang grafitti. A tattoo-artist tattooing the Mona Lisa on a fat woman's buttocks. A tiny, screaming woman throwing dishes at her meek husband. Cops chalking an outline around a dead body. Two dogs happily tearing apart a garbage bag in an overturned dumpster. Bustling thousands hurrying through the streets, stepping over the homeless, the addicted and the insane. A noxious haze of exhaust spewing over the city. As CREDITS CONTINUE, we PULL BACK over smog-clogged Manhattan, and HEAR a British NARRATOR:
2. NARRATOR V.0. "There's no place like home." In the 20th century, this humdrum phrase seemed hackneyed and pointless. But for Thomas Carmody, it had a special significance. DISSOLVE TO: EXT.
OFFICE BUILDING ENTRANCE - DAY
A bemused and beleaguered-looking MAN wearily exits the building. The man, wearing a rumpled suit, is THOMAS CARMODY, age 35. It begins to rain and he jogs towards a subway entrance. END OPENING CREDITS NARRATOR V.0. Carmody was a quiet, likeable man, with a melancholic sense of humor. INT.
SUBWAY CAR - MOVING - DAY
The car is packed with people. It is the Fourth of July. Carmody is jammed between a gang of punks. A punk grabs a handkerchief from Carmody's suit pocket, blows his nose in it, slowly stuffs it back in Carmody's suit, and stares at him insolently. Carmody closes his eyes. NARRATOR V.0. He played a decent game of bridge, even though he tended to undervalue his hands. Nominally he was an atheist, but more by rote than conviction. EXT.
APARTMENT BUILDING - RAINING - DAY
At the entrance, a doorman pulling a bum off a subway grate begin fighting. As Carmody approaches, they knock him over. Carmody gets up, unlocks the door and rushes into the building. NARRATOR V.0. An engineer for a corporation which produced plastic toy dinosaurs, his goal was to kill his employers and escape to Easter Island in a thirty foot Tahitian catch, while singing and guzzling on a bottle of tequila.
3. INT.
APARTMENT - DAY
Inside, he locks the door, leans against it and pants. NARRAT0R V.0. But in reality, Carmody had become too neurotic to even leave his apartment. He tiptoes into the messy living room, strewn with beer cans and newspapers. The room is empty, the shades halfdrawn. Subtle signs of a male roommate. The TV is on, the volume low, showing a news report on tonight's fireworks over the park. He sorts through a pile of mail on the coffee table, and then enters the kitchen. NARRATOR (CONT'D) His long marriage had just ended in a vicious law suit. This was fortunate for Carmody, whose Irish ancestors had bestowed upon him a robust talent for depression. He quietly opens the near-empty refrigerator. Inside are two pieces of cold pizza, a package of stale baloney and two beers. He grabs the food and beer and tiptoes past the living room and down a hall. ANGLE ON CARMODY As he passes the bathroom door, we HEAR water inside being turned on and off. Carmody tiptoes by extraquietly. The water turns off and we HEAR the voice of his roommate, LEO, call out from behind the door. LEO O.S. Carmody? Is that you, buddy? Carmody freezes and closes his eyes. It's me, Leo.
CARMODY
LEO O.S. Listen, the guys are coming over at eight. We're going to play until the fireworks start. We've got the best view in the building. Everybody who's anybody is going to be here, man. CARMODY Well, that counts me out. night, Leo.
Good
4. He continues on down the hall. Leo suddenly appears in the bathroom doorway. He is wearing boxer shorts, his face obscured by a mask of shaving cream. LEO "Goodnight, Leo"? Tom, what's with you? It's the 4th of July. You've got to snap out of this. Carmody awkwardly unlocks his door. CARMODY I've already snapped, Leo. So give me a break, will you please? LEO I've given you a break. For three months. Why don't you give me a break? Why don't you get some counseling. CARMODY First thing tomorrow. Carmody winks at Leo and enters, quickly locking the door behind him. INT.
CARMODY'S ROOM - DAY
The room is a darkened womb. He locks the door behind him. A little black terrier, wagging its tail happily, jumps his arms. Holding the dog, he collapses on the bed, yawns, opens the beer and remotely turns on the TV. The TV illuminates large, plastic toy dinosaurs of different sizes around the room. On the walls are dinosaur posters. (The dinosaurs, take note, are either bright blue or bright green.) We HEAR Leo approach and yell through the door. Carmody!
LEO O.S.
No answer. He POUNDS the door. LEO O.S. (CONT'D) Carmody. We gotta talk. Carmody ignores him. As he watches TV, he makes a disgusting balogna sandwich, using the entire wad of balogna surrounded by the pizza slices as bread.
5. LEO O.S. (CONT'D) You can't keep the universe out forever, man. CARMODY (yelling calmly) The universe can't get me, Leo. It's too busy expanding. Carmody chomps on the sandwich, feeding cheese to the dog, who stands on his chest. LEO O.S. Look, don't you realize that your "ex" loves seeing you freak out like this? Do you think this is an intelligent way to get back at her, by turning into a zombie? CARMODY (mouthful of food) It's an excellent way, Leo. LEO O.S. Carmody, this is my apartment. I've got a keys, remember? So what?
CARMODY SHOCK-CUT TO:
THE HALLWAY - LATER Leo and two other men are marching out of Carmody's room, holding Carmody's prostrate body over their heads. They are chanting loudly like partying college kids. THE MEN Car-mo-dee! Car-mo-dee! Car-modee! Disgusted and still clinging to his beer, Carmody doesn't bother to struggle. FOLLOW THEM INTO KITCHEN They plop Carmody down onto one of four chairs around a card table. They all sit down. Leo puts his key ring on the table. THE THREE CARD PLAYERS:
6. • LEO LINDQUIST, 35-an old hippie; bushy hair; Grateful Dead T-shirt • RONALD MELISH, 35-refined, frail, British accent; a Tony-Randall-type • MATT ESSLEY, 35-tough, gruff, ex-military, hottempered. Leo immediately shuffles the cards, all business. LEO The fireworks begin at nine, gentlemen. You have one hour to piss away your fortunes. (as he deals) Pick up your cards, Carmody. It's time you took control of your own destiny. Carmody sighs and resignedly picks up his cards, going through the motions. They study their cards. Matt taps his cards nervously on the table, and gives Carmody a guilty look. He begins, a bit too gruffly: MATT Look, Carmody, I feel bad about bringing this up, but your wife never paid me for that kitchen remodel job. RONALD Matt, why beat around the bush? Why not just suck the blood right out of the poor man's body? MATT Well, that would be more your style, rich boy, after leeching off your parents for thirty years. RONALD There may be no meaning in my life, but at least I'm not overcharging my own friends for shoddy workmanship. Matt throws his cards down angrily. MATT Shoddy workmanship! Why, you conceited son of a bitch! Leo puts his arm on Matt's shoulder.
7. LEO Easy, boy, easy. (doorbell RINGS) It's unlocked! (to the boys) Must be the food. ANGLE ON DOOR OPENING A pizza delivery-girl enters, carrying four pizzas and an umbrella. This is MARIANNE, 25. She wears glasses, but has a profound, off-beat beauty, which is heightened by her tight-fitting pizza delivery uniform. BACK TO SCENE. Carmody stares at her with sudden interest. She sets the umbrella and the pizzas on the counter by the card table. MARIANNE Three with the works. And here are your complimentary lottery tickets. Smiling, she hands them each a ticket, Carmody last. As she hands Tom his ticket, there is unexpectedly intense eye contact between them; they are obviously instantly attracted to each other. Staring at her numbly, Carmody absentmindedly stuffs his ticket into his pocket. The others watch this development with interest and pump eyebrows at one another. Ronald hands Marianne a fifty, breaking their stare. He reads her name tag. RONALD Keep the excess, Marianne, my dear. Happy Independence Day. Embarrassed, Marianne breaks her eye contact with Tom, and suddenly registers the huge tip. MARIANNE (appreciatively) Gee, thanks... Well, aren't you going out to watch the fireworks? I thought boys love explosions. Leo gestures to bay windows. LEO We've got the best seats in the house, out of the rain. Besides, my roommate here is an amateur agoraphobic.
8. MARIANNE (surprised; to Tom) You mean you're afraid to go outside? RONALD To an agoraphobic, the entire world is a monstrous predator. So every night he's been locking himself up in his cage. Ever since his divorce, he's been a homeless man in search of a home. The others laugh. Marianne, however, pats Carmody's shoulder with real empathy. MARIANNE I see. You poor guy. MATT (sotto; to Leo) The motherly type. Watch this... (to Marianne) Listen, Marianne, the entire city is supposed to party here later. When you get off work, you should mosey on back and counsel our sick friend here. Thanks.
MARIANNE Maybe I will.
The bell RINGS again. We HEAR people laughing & talking outside the apartment. ANGLE ON THE DOOR - opening a crack. A PARTY MAN wearing an Uncle Sam hat sticks his head in playfully. Stuck into the hat are a dozen lit sparklers. PARTY MAN Uncle Sam has arrived! The door opens & 20 already-partying people follow him in. The group carry lit sparklers & play kazoos ("Battle Hymn of the Republic") as b.g. music to PARTY MAN (CONT'D) Four score and twenty years ago, our forefathers brought forth a new nation, dedicated to the proposition that... all people must party!
9. They all cheer drunkenly. Leo, Ron and Matt laugh, shake hands with everybody, and put the new supplies of beer and wine in the refrigerator. The guests remove their hats and raincoats, still humming and playing kazoos. Carmody, not moving, puts his hands over his face, looking rather pathetic. Marianne puts a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. MARIANNE I'm off soon. I'll try to make it back for the fireworks. She gives him a cute wave, grabs her pizza warmers, and squeezes through the crowd. His friends distracted, Carmody sees his opportunity. He snatches up Leo's key ring from the table, slips it into his pocket and sneaks out of the kitchen. INT.
CARMODY'S ROOM
He enters the dark room, locks the door and turns on te TV. Carmody pats the dog and sips his beer as a real estate ad onscreen extols the virtues of buying up foreclosure property. Carmody turns the channel to a scene from The Wizard of Oz, showing Dorothy and her companions arm-in-arm, singing "We're Off to See the Wizard". (This, too, is in black-and-white.) Carmody flicks the channel. Onscreen is the final moment from White Heat starring James Cagney. CAGNEY ON TV Top of the world, Ma! Cagney is obliterated by a blinding explosion as the little dog licks his face. He pulls the lottery ticket out of his pocket, stares at it, crumples it and throws it in the trash basket. CLOSE - INTERCUTTING HIS FACE/TV SCREEN as he watches a deodorant ad through glazed eyes. NARRATOR V.0. And so, Carmody vegetated in solitude. He was resolved to stay in his room forever, the blinds closed, until he was carried away screaming, like a vampire exposed to daylight. It was, in fact, the perfect time for something absolutely impossible to happen...
10. CLOSE - THE ANTENNA WIRE connected to the back of his TV. EERIE MUSIC as we FOLLOW THE WIRE out through the rain-spattered window EXT.
APARTMENT - RAINING
- and TILT UP the side of the building. Above on the roof is a large tree antenna shuddering in the thunderstorm winds. Unexpectedly, there is a FLASH OF LIGHTNING and a booming CLAP OF THUNDER. The blinding fork of electricity strikes the antenna and HISSES down the wire towards camera. INT.
CARMODY'S ROOM
The TV violently EXPLODES, scattering glass and plastic across the room. Stunned, Carmody sits up clutching his frightened dog to his chest... as a swirling ball of light materializes at the foot of his bed. The THUNDER trails off for a few seconds, followed by a flourish of TRUMPETS. The trumpets are augmented by a skirling of BAGPIPES and a final searing FLASH of colors. (NOTE: The effects are suddenly drenched with FULL COLOR. Carmody and his room however are still black-and white.) A MAN appears in the middle of the receding mist. He is stocky with curly blond hair, and wears a golden cloak and orange leggings. His features are normal, except that he has no ears. We'll call him the MESSENGER. Carmody stares in shock as the dog BARKS in his arms. The MESSENGER reaches into the air and plucks out a scroll, tearing it as he does so. He clears his throat. Greetings!
MESSENGER
His booming voice frightens the dog, who YELPS and dives under Carmody's blanket. Terrified, Carmody whips the blanket up over his head, then peeks out, trembling. MESSENGER (CONT'D) We are come as the fortuitous respondent of an ineffable desire. Yours! Do any men? No, so, then! Shall it? The Messenger smiles and looks to Carmody for a reply. The little dog sticks its head out of the blanket next to Carmody's and GROWLS. Still smiling, but afraid of the dog, the Messenger subtly backs away.
11. Carmody's eyes blink eight times in quick succession, then narrow at the stranger with sudden skepticism. He tries to speak and his voice cracks badly: CARMODY W-w-what is this all about? MESSENGER (still smiling) It is for you, Car-Mo-Dee! Out of the effluvium of what-is you have won a small but significant portion of what-might-be. Rejoicings, not? Specifically: your name has led the rest! (eyes Carmody, puzzled) Is this not a cause for? Then, why do you not? Gathering his wits, Carmody stands, strangely calm. Who are you?
CARMODY
The Messenger's smile fades.
He mutters to himself:
MESSENGER The fog-minded squirms! They have processed me wrong again! Never mind, I reprocess, I adapt, I become... He presses his fingers into his head, where they sink and ripple like those of a man playing a tiny piano. ee transforms into a short, balding, dumpy man in an unpressed business suit, carrying a bulging briefcase, an umbrella, a cane, a magazine, and a newspaper. MESSENGER (CONT'D) Is this correct? Yes, I can see it is. I really must apologize for the sloppy work of our Similitude Center. Only last week I appeared on Sigma IV as a giant bat, only to discover that my recipient was a member of the water-lily family. And then on Thagma the Old World, those fools processed me to appear as four thousand vestal virgins, when obviously the correct form --
12.
Excuse me? something?
CARMODY May I interject
If you wish.
MESSENGER
CARMODY Did I just lose my mind? Is that what this is? MESSENGER (puzzled) I am not a subjective mind creation, if that is the essence of your query. One moment. Let me just check the local referents... (closes his eyes, opens them) Strange, very strange... your language doesn't seem to contain the containers which my product requires. But then, who am I to judge? Inexactitude and mental sloppiness, I suppose, can be aesthetically pleasing. CARMODY What the hell is this? Can you give it to me in a nutshell? MESSENGER The Intergalactic Sweepstakes, of course. And you are a winner, obviously. CARMODY (hysterical) Obviously. Of course. Feast your eyes on a genuine winner! I'm drooling all over myself while I chitchat with a guy with no ears! Of course I'm a winner! An expression of doubt crosses the Messenger's face, then is erased as if by an eraser. MESSENGER You do not know! But of course! You had, I suppose, despaired of winning, and erased the matter from your mind. You, Carmody, have won a Prize in the Intergalactic Sweepstakes.
13. MESSENGER (CONT'D) Your coefficients were pulled by the Random Selector for Part IV, Class 32 Lifeforms. And your Prize is presently waiting for you at the Galactic Centre. CARMODY'S SHOCKED FACE - SLOWLY MOVE IN as our suave British NARRATOR nattily resumes: NARRATOR V.0. At this point, Carmody thought to himself, "At last! A classic nervous breakdown! Complete with a dumpy alien from outer space! I may as well deal with this imaginary cretin as calmly as possible to avoid further brain damage. Besides, this fantasy is so vivid, there is always the unlikely chance that this actually is happening. Thus, I'll humor this idiotic delusion. If I am insane, I'll simply wake up in a mental ward, get high on some relaxing drugs, and eventually be released." Carmody looks at the stranger suspiciously. CARMODY All right. I'll play. Are there any conditions attached to winning this Prize? I mean, do I have to do anything or - or buy anything? MESSENGER There are no conditions. The Prize is free; if not free, it would not be a Prize. I will take you to Galactic Centre to collect your Prize, and fully assist you on the journey back to this, your home. A beat as Carmody thinks for a moment. Then he jumps out of bed, ready to stare his insanity directly in the face. CARMODY All right. You're on, space man. Lead the way. Excellent.
MESSENGER This way, please.
14. The Messenger opens the closet door and gestures for Carmody to enter. Carmody sets the terrier on the bed, pats him goodbye and walks in. The dog tries to follow, but the Messenger glares at it, and the dog dives under the covers and shivers. The Messenger enters the closet. CARMODY Uh, don't I need a space suit or something? MESSENGER Of course not. Dimensional passage transforms every cell in your body. You'll adapt, or else. Or else what?
CARMODY
MESSENGER Or else you won't, of course. The stranger closes the door behind them. The frightened little terrier peeks out from under the sheets and whines faintly--as a tiny pinwheel of light fans out in a violent, tornado-like rip in space-time. The dog jumps down and starts BARKING at the glowing closet door. The vortex expands and engulfs the screen. DISSOLVE TO: THE "PSYCHEDELIC" TRIP THROUGH DIMENSIONS - MONTAGE ("THE MUSIC VIDEO"): MAGICAL RETRO MUSIC (e.g. "Scarlet Begonias" by The Grateful Dead) begins, as they sail through CGI fractal terrains, through a sea of 4-D Escher-surfaces and stairways, etc. INTERCUT Carmody, stunned at the churning beauty around them. The fractal space contracts into a tube, and with a WHOOSH, Carmody is sucked into it. The tunnel takes a sharp turn and spits him out into EXT.
THE GALACTIC CENTRE - "DAY" - FULL COLOR
Carmody drops feet-first onto a circular city square next to a fountain. Alone, He looks around, dazed. HIS POV - PAN SKYLINE - Three dim suns illuminate a green sky with violet clouds. A weird, full-color city surrounds him, a cross between Emerald City and Cleveland. Everything seems slightly "off". ANGLE ON CARMODY - ALONE
15.
Wow... Beg pardon?
CARMODY MESSENGER V.0.
CARMODY I said, "wow"... Oh.
MESSENGER V.0. I thought you said, "Ow".
CARMODY No, I said, "Wow". MESSENGER V.0. (TESTILY) Yes, I understand that now. Carmody notices that the Messenger is nowhere to be seen. CARMODY Hey ... where are you anyway? The Messenger's disembodied MOUTH slides into view; attached to it, its grisly esophagus hangs down from the lips, teeth and tongue which float in front of Carmody. MESSENGER'S MOUTH Here. Forgive my appearance. My body is temporarily elsewhere. I detached my speaking apparatus to guide you to your destination. CARMODY Where's the rest of your body? MESSENGER'S MOUTH My scalp and trunk are being massaged and my hands and feet trimmed and buffed at the RobotMonkey Emporium, my genitalia are presently being oiled and by a gymnastically-inclined Cavity Creature--CARMODY Um, I believe you said something about me getting a prize? MESSENGER'S MOUTH The Prize Office is directly through the door on your right.
16. Carmody sees a free-standing door standing to his right. No wall or building, just a door. On the door is a plaque which reads: EXIT ONLY. CARMODY This says EXIT ONLY. MESSENGER'S MOUTH It does? My eyes, I'm afraid, are busy judging a Beheading Contest at my aunt's guillotine dealership. Why don't you just go inside and ask around. Inside?
CARMODY Inside what?
MESSENGER'S MOUTH It's been a pleasure serving you. I'm unable to shake your hand, but I can kiss you with feeling if you wish. I'll pass.
CARMODY
MESSENGER'S MOUTH As you wish. Goodbye and farewell. The Messenger's Mouth grins and vanishes. Having nothing better to do, Carmody opens the door, peeks and disappears through the doorway. INT.
SWEEPSTAKES OFFICE - DAY
Carmody steps into a dark, sinister-looking room. Immediately, steel bands from above SNAP shut around his neck, arms & waist. A WINCH is heard as the bands lift him dangling a foot in the air. A tall, dark KILLER with a hawk nose and a scar down his left cheek stops turning a crank and steps out of the shadows. Hey!
CARMODY
The KILLER looks truly frightening. He addresses Carmody in the quiet, voice of a dangerous psychotic. KILLER Behold me, Carmody! I am your executioner! You pay now for your sins against humanity as well as for your sins against yourself! (more casual tone)
17. KILLER (CONT'D) But let me add that this execution is provisional, and implies no value judgment. The Killer slips a gleaming, foot-long razor from his sleeve. He begin sharpening it on Carmody's tie like a barber's strap. CARMODY Hold it! I'm not here to be executed! KILLER (casually) I know, I know, what else could you say? The Killer SLAPS a piece of luminous tape over Carmody's mouth and plucks one of Carmody's hairs. He expertly slashes the hair down the middle and chuckles sinisterly, showing Carmody the two pieces. KILLER But first, intransigent one, galactic law requires a moment of silence before we commence your dissection. He bows his head and mutters a prayer. Carmody sees his only chance, jack-knifes his legs into the air and hysterically POUNDS the Killer's forehead with his heels. The executioner goes sprawling backwards. Carmody desperately tries to break free, but with no success. The Killer rises, hissing ominously. He reaches under his leather jacket and, with a HISS of metal slicing air molecules, unsheathes a huge, terrifying MACHETE, composed of chattering electricity and crackling fire. He grins sadistically and viciously slashes back and forth at Carmody's legs. Carmody jumps up and down wildly, missing the blade. The Killer throws his head back and laughs grotesquely. God! I love
KILLER my job!
Sneering with blood-lust, he raises the machete over his head, ready to cleave Carmody in two. An edge of the luminous tape loosens, and Carmody screams through it as the Killer begins a powerful down-swing.
18. CARMODY Stop! You're making a mistake! I'm here to collect a Prize! The Killer freezes instantly in mid-swing, a half-inch from Carmody's scalp. KILLER (casually) A what? CARMODY A Prize, damn it! I was told I'd won a Prize! The Killer studies Carmody's face for a moment, shoves the machete in its sheath, then looks away sheepishly. He sighs, goes to the wall, pushes a button. The steel bands around Carmody turn into paper streamers and he collapses onto the floor. The Killer's black leather suit changes to spotless white. His razor changes into a fountain pen. He has transformed before Carmody's eyes into a harmless-looking Clerk. CLERK (CASUALLY) Well, all right. I warned them not to combine the Department of High Crimes with the Sweepstakes Office. It would have served them right if I’d killed you. Wouldn't that have been a pretty mess, eh? CARMODY (getting up shakily) It would have been messy for me. CLERK Well, no sense crying over unspilt blood. Now, as to your Prize... He presses a button on the switchboard. A large, messy desk materializes two feet above the floor next to him. The desk hangs for a moment, then drops with a THUD. The Clerk pulls open drawers and throws out papers, sandwiches, carbon ribbons, file cards and pencil stubs. CLERK Hmmm. It has to be here somewhere. He pushes another button. suddenly dematerialize.
The desk and the switchboard
CLERK (CONTTD) Dammit. I'm all nerves.
19. He reaches into the air, finds an invisible button, and presses it. Immediately, with an agonizing SCREAM, the Clerk himself dematerializes. Carmody is left alone in the room. There is an uncomfortable pause. Not knowing what to do, he begins HUMMING tunelessly under his breath. There is a CRACKLING SOUND as the Clerk reappears with a fresh bruise on his forehead. He carries a small, brightly wrapped parcel under his arm. CLERK Please excuse the interruption. Nothing seems to be going right just at present. CARMODY Is this any way to run a galaxy? CLERK Well, how did you expect us to run it? We're only sentient, you know. CARMODY I know, but I had expected that here, at Galactic Centre... CLERK You provincials are all alike! Filled with impossible dreams of order and perfection, which are mere idealized projections of your own incompletion! You should know by now that life is a sloppy affair, and that power tends to break things up rather than put things together! CARMODY If you're quite through lecturing, I'd like to have my Prize. CLERK (not offended) Just as you wish. If you are quite sure that you want it. CARMODY Any reason why I shouldn't?
20. CLERK Just a general one. The introduction of any novel object into one's life pattern is apt to be disrupting. CARMODY I'll take my chances. CLERK Very well. (checks a clip-board) Your name is Car-MO-Dee, you're of Planet System BB454C252, upper left Quadrant by GC, and you were picked at random from approximately two hundred billion contestants. Correct? CARMODY If you say so. CLERK (scans contract) Let me see, now ... I can skip the stuff about you accepting the Prize on your own risk and recognizance, can't I? Sure,
skip
CARMODY it.
CLERK Very well. Now simply signify your mental acceptance of the terms to this mind-sensitive area at the bottom of the page, and that'll be it. Not knowing quite what to do, Carmody looks at the contract and concentrates. CLOSE - THE CONTRACT - The bottom of the page immediately turns pink. BACK TO SCENE. contract.
Satisfied, the Clerk folds up the
CLERK Thank you. The contract itself is witness to the agreement. Congratulations, Carmody. And here is your Prize.
21. He hands over the gaily wrapped box. Filled with curiosity, Carmody mutters his thanks and begins to eagerly unwrap his Prize. But before he can -ANGLE ON OFFICE DOOR - being violently kicked in and EXPLODING open. An extremely tiny, hairless man in glittering clothes bursts into the room. He is tough. His name is KARMOD. KARMOD Aha! Caught you in the act, by Klootens! Did you really think you could get away with it? BACK TO SCENE. Karmod rushes up to Carmody and grabs at the Prize. Carmody holds it out of arm's reach. CARMODY What do you think you're doing? KARMOD Doing? I'm here to claim my rightful Prize, what else? I am Carmody! CARMODY No, you're not. I am Carmody. Karmod pauses and looks at him with curiosity. KARMOD You claim to be Carmody? CARMODY I don't claim, I am Carmody. KARMOD Carmody of Planet 73C? CARMODY I don't know what that means. call the place Earth. KARMOD Earth? I've never heard of it. it a member of the Chlzerian League?
We
Is
CARMODY Not to the best of my knowledge. (musing) Earth?
CLERK
22. CLERK (CONT'D) I remember the name from a study of isolated worlds. Earth primitives were described as a species attempting to survive amid piles of their own waste products. A diseased place. I believe it is going to be obliterated and turned into a refuge for dafodills and-KARMOD You idiot, look at this creature! Observe the dull piggish eyes, the brutish jaw, the horny fingernails! CARMODY Now just a minute. There's no need to be insulting! CLERK (staring at Carmody) Hmmm, I see, I see... I never really looked before. I mean, one hardly expectsKARMOD Why, damn it, anyone could tell at once that this creature is not a Class 32 Life-Form! As a matter of fact, he's not even close to Class 32! You utter imbecile, you have awarded my Prize to a non-entity, a creature from beyond the pale! He glares at the Clerk. CLERK Well, don't look at me. It's not my fault. I just gave the Messenger the data I got from the Sweepstakes Computer. INT.
SWEEPSTAKES COMPUTER ROOM - DAY
The MESSENGER has joined the THREE MEN, who are listening to a large, strange-looking COMPUTER which speaks to them in a gentle, HAL-like voice.
23. SWEEPSTAKES COMPUTER I was constructed to extremely close tolerances, designed to perform complex and exacting operations, allowing no more than one error per five hundred billion transactions. So?
CLERK
SWEEPSTAKES COMPUTER The conclusion is clear. I was programmed for one error per five hundred billion transactions, and I performed that error as programmed. Complex machines such as myself occupy an ambiguous zone between living and nonliving. Were we never to err, we would be inapropos, hideous, monstrous. Malfunction, gentlemen, is, I submit, our only means of rendering worship to that which is more perfect than we. The Clerk, the Messenger and Karmod bow their heads. Carmody awkwardly bows his head too. Tiny, hairless Karmod brushes away a tear. KARMOD Lovely, I cannot disagree, but I do not concur. The right to be wrong is fundamental throughout the cosmos. This machine has acted ethically. Thank you.
SWEEPSTAKES COMPUTER I try.
KARMOD But the rest of you have merely acted stupidly! CLERK That is our unalterable privilege. Stupidity in the religious malperformance of our duties could be considered--KARMOD Kindly spare me your mealy-mouthed religiosity! (to Carmody)
24. KARMOD (CONT'D) You’ve heard what’s been said here and perhaps with your dim subhuman consciousness have comprehended the main ideas. I understood.
CARMODY
KARMOD Then you know that you have a Prize which ought to have been awarded to me, and which, therefore, is rightfully mine. I must ask you, and I do so ask you, to hand it over to me. ANGLE ON CARMODY -- who looks confused. As he thinks it over, we HEAR the NARRATOR again intone: NARRATOR V.0. By this time, Carmody had had enough, and simply wanted to go home. He wanted to pull the shades, turn on the TV, scratch his little dog's ears, and die in his sleep. ANGLE ON KARMOD - getting irritated. KARMOD (sinister edge) Well...? BACK TO CARMODY - who starts to hand it over, as we HEAR: NARRATOR V.0. It would have been nice to keep the Prize, of course. But it seemed more trouble than it was worth. Carmody was about to hand it over, when it happened. ANGLE ON PRIZE in his hand. It whispers fiercely to him. PRIZE Carmody! Don't do it! ANGLE ON CARMODY - who looks around quickly, then realizes that the VOICE is from the Prize itself. BACK TO SCENE
25. KARMOD Come now, let's not delay! I have urgent business elsewhere! PRIZE To hell with him! I'm your Prize! KARMOD Give it here this instant, you faceless slug, and with an apologetic smile or I will enforce measures of unbelievable pertinacity! Carmody is tired of being pushed around. He pulls it to his chest and unconsciously imitates the Prize: CARMODY To hell with you. Karmod, realizing he has used the wrong approach, hastily assumes a patronizing smile. KARMOD Excuse my former tone of belligerence. You cannot help being an insignificant lower lifeform. No insult intended. CARMODY That's quite all right. But I'm not handing it over. KARMOD (holding his temper) But my dear sir... it is mine. You yourself heard the Sweepstakes Computer admit its error! CARMODY Excuse me, but that's not what I heard. I heard it say that its error was correct. Karmod trembles as he tries to hold back his fury. KARMOD Sir... if you do not give the Prize to its rightful owner--me-you will be breaking Intergalactic Law, and therefore---
26. CARMODY (interrupting) Look, I'd like to give you this Prize, but how can I after hearing this computer's story? I mean, if I did that, I'd be destroying everything this poor machine believes in! THE PRIZE You tell 'em, keed! Carmody gets into it. INTERCUT KARMOD becoming furious, his face growing red and trembling like a volcano. CARMODY (CONT'D) I can't give it to you. This computer has been waiting eons, after a hundred billion correct computations, to make just one error in order to demonstrate its evolution as a life-form. It would be immoral for me to cheat it of its one chance to evolve. Therefore, the Prize is mine. THE PRIZE Hear, hear! Bravo! Correct, heartfelt and incapable of refutation! Karmod is choking with rage. Silence!
KARMOD
He clenches his trembling fists. In a fury, he grabs his left hand with his right, rips it off his wrist, and uses it like a glove to SLAP Carmody, hard, across the face. KARMOD Protozoan blackguard! I challenge you to a Transformative Duel! To the death! The Clerk and the Messenger nervously back away and follow the Computer as it quickly scuttles out of the room on tiny wheels. Carmody watches unhappily as Karmod stuffs his left hand back on his wrist and pulls a large pistol case from his small shirt pocket. He opens it, revealing two small remote controls. KARMOD (CONT'D) Choose your weapon, insect!
27. Carmody nervously takes one of them. Karmod takes the other and SNAPS the case shut. He means business. KARMOD The values are listed on the back. First blood signals the end of a round. Take your position! Karmod pivots and walks five paces. Carmody's hand.
The Prize shakes in
THE PRIZE (whispers) Carmody! There is something about a Transformative Duel that you must know... CARMODY Well, tell me! THE PRIZE Listen carefully. You don't stand a chance unless you--Across the room, Karmod pivots towards him and bellows: KARMOD Let the Duel begin! He punches buttons on his panel. The lights dim and there is an ominous RUMBLING. Karmod suddenly EXPLODES in a blast of smoke. CARMODY (TO PRIZE) Unless I what? THE PRIZE It's too late! Out of the blast of smoke, a huge BLACK WOLF appears, growling viciously. Carmody nervously checks his control panel, his only chance. INSERT - CONTROL - HIS POV On the back is a LONG LIST labeled "SHAPE PERMUTATIONS" (such as PSYCHOPATH, TREE, DRAGON, LEPER, PIRATE, GERBIL, etc.) followed by code numbers. Carmody's shaking finger runs down the list. He spots "WOLF". BACK TO SCENE. The Karmod-wolf leaps at Carmody, who frantically jabs a number on the panel and EXPLODES in red smoke.
28. The black wolf dives into the red smoke, which clears to reveal a WHITE WOLF facing off with the black wolf. The wolves pounce and begin wrestling. The black wolf rips into the white wolf's shoulder, drawing blood. The white wolf EXPLODES and transforms back into Carmody. His suit is ripped and his shoulder is bleeding. Immediately, the Karmod-wolf EXPLODES in another red cloud. A RED-ROBED NINJA WARRIOR appears in the mist, then flips towards Carmody, who jabs his panel. Carmody EXPLODES and transforms into a BLUE-ROBED NIIJA WARRIOR. The two warriors clash in a spectacular karate fight. Red Ninja rapid-fire kicks Blue Ninja's head. Blue Ninja goes down, blood staining his headband. He transforms back into Carmody, his forehead bleeding. Red Ninja EXPLODES and transforms into a large VIOLET TOY ROBOT sprouting laser-like weapons. Carmody feebly punches his control, EXPLODES and transforms into a large GREEN TOY ROBOT. The ROBOTS begin BLASTING each other with lasers. The green robot is hit in the leg; it transforms back into Carmody, who drops the control and collapses, exhausted. It looks like Carmody's finished. ON THE PRIZE - The box rolls over to Carmody's ear and whispers intensely: THE PRIZE Carmody! Listen to me! Do not copy his transformations! Whatever he becomes, you must become its opposite! Do you hear me? CARMODY (wincingwith pain) Huh? Why its opposite? THE PRIZE Only opposites cancel each other out! You cannot fight fire with fire! Do you understand? Before he can finish, the room is rocked by the biggest EXPLOSION yet, as the violet robot transforms into a massive iron BLAST FURNACE. Spewing fire and lava from its open doors, it pounds towards Carmody on stumpy iron legs, singeing him with intense heat.
29. The Prize yelps and dives back into Carmody's pocket. Carmody stretches painfully across the floor and reaches the control panel. He scans the back and jabs the buttons frantically. Carmody EXPLODES and transforms into a SABER-TOOTH TIGER. Wrong code. The furnace comes closer, catching the tiger's whiskers on fire. The tiger turns back into a flustered Carmody, who nervously jabs another number --and now transforms into a FRUIT BAT. Wrong code again! Carmody transforms back. The blast furnace leans over Carmody, about to release a stream of raging lava down upon him! Carmody jabs his control madly. And now - with a violent RUMBLE, he transforms into a roaring, RAGING WATERFALL. The waterfall showers down over the blast furnace, turning it into a ball of hissing steam. The iron stove CRACKS and SHATTERS as Karmod's voice SHRIEKS. The pieces of iron disintegrate into smoking black pumice on the floor, wearing Karmod's multicolored jacket. The ROARING WATERS recede and dissipate into mist, leaving a puddle on the floor. A TINY FROG sits in the puddle, CROAKING next to Carmody's remote. The Clerk and Messenger cautiously reenter. The Clerk angrily picks up the control and punches a code. The tiny frog EXPLODES and transforms back into Carmody, who lies in the puddle soaking wet and breathing hard. CLERK Drat! Can't these outworlders be considerate of other people? Just think of all the paperwork this mess is going to generate! Carmody, breathing hard, staggers to his feet. magically leaps up into his arms. THE PRIZE You did it, chief! How unlikely but at the same time satisfying! CARMODY (still panting) Thanks for the drama review. Now let's get the hell out of here. THE PRIZE A capital idea! But are you well enough for dimensional travel?
The Prize
30. THE PRIZE (CONT'D) Perhaps you should rest before we return to your little world. Carmody wipes the blood from his cuts with a hankie. Although out of breath, he's back in control. CARMODY I'll rest later. (checks his watch; to Messenger) Pal, get me home in twenty minutes, so I can catch the Columbo Marathon. MESSENGER Very well. I would say that you should go home, and as rapidly as possible. Sensational.
CARMODY Lead the way.
MESSENGER Well, it's not my job ... but, very well! Give me the coordinates and I'll take you there myself. CARMODY Coordinates? I don't know anything about that. It's a planet called Earth. MESSENGER I don't care if it's called Green Cheese. I need to know the coordinates. CARMODY But you were just there. You went to Earth and brought me here. MESSENGER Not at all. I simply went to the coordinates given to me by the Clerk, who got them from the Sweepstakes Computer. CARMODY Then bring me back to the same coordinates. MESSENGER I could do that, with the greatest of ease. But you would find nothing there.
31. MESSENGER (CONT'D) The universe is not static, you know. Everything in the galaxy moves. CARMODY Can't you figure out from the coordinates where Earth will be? MESSENGER (proudly) I can't even add up a column of figures. My talents lie in other directions. CLERK I can't add very well, either. The Computer scuttles into the room as it speaks up: COMPUTER I can add magnificently. But my function is limited to selecting and locating Sweepstakes winners. I am forbidden the interesting theoretical problem of finding your planet's present coordinates. Carmody is starting to get nervous. CARMODY Can't anyone help me? CLERK Don't despair, Traveler's Aid will help you. I can take you there myself. Just give them your Home Coordinates. CARMODY But I don't know them. There is a short, shocked silence. MESSENGER (PATIENTLY) Sir... if you don't know your own address, how do you expect anyone else to know it? This galaxy may not be infinite, but it is a pretty big place all the same. CARMODY Look, you have to help me. It can't be be that difficult to find the Earth.
32. CLERK It's incredibly difficult! "Where" is only one of the three coordinates that are needed. CARMODY What are the other two? MESSENGER "When", and "Which". They're called the Three W's of Location. CARMODY I don't care if they're called goddamn Green Cheese! How do other life forms find their way home? MESSENGER They utilize their inherent Homing Instinct. Are you sure you don't have one, by the way? CARMODY I don't think so. THE PRIZE Of course he doesn't have a Homing Instinct! The fellow's never been off his home planet! How would he develop a Homing Instinct? CLERK True enough. (rubs his face wearily) This is what comes of dealing with lower life forms. (checks his watch) This is taking entirely too long. I've got an execution scheduled in ten minutest We've got to figure out what to do with him. MESSENGER It's a heavy responsibility. CLERK It certainly is. Look... what do you say we kill him and forget the whole thing? What?
CARMODY
MESSENGER It's OK with me.
33. COMPUTER If it's OK with you fellows, then it's OK with me. THE PRIZE Count me out. I can't put my finger on it at the moment ... but there's something wrong with the whole idea... CARMODY (holding back hysteria) Hello? Guys? Let me make this crystal clear! - I do not want to die and ought not to be killed. I appeal to your better instincts and--and sense of fair -MESSENGER (ignoring Carmody) Wait! I have it! What about this? Let's not kill him, let's help him, in all sincerity and to the best of our abilities, to return to his home alive and in good health. CLERK It's a thought. MESSENGER It would be an exemplary action, although completely futile. For obviously, he'll be killed in the course of the trip anyway. CLERK We'd better get on with it. Unless we want him to get killed while we're talking. The Clerk turns to his console and begins pressing buttons. A hanging glass module, shaped like an inverted egg cup, is lowered above Carmody's head. CARMODY Killed? What do you mean "killed"? THE PRIZE (whispers) I'll explain everything later. Assuming there is a later. The console begins HUMMING. buttons furiously.
Clerk continues punching
34. CLERK I'm sending you to someone who may assist you. If he suggests killing you, try to stall for time. Are you ready? CARMODY Frankly, I'm not sure I want to visit this-this person, and-CLERK Ready or not... (pulls a lever) ...there you go! The glass module vibrates, SCREAMS loudly, then spits out six intensely bright colors in rapid succession: red, violet, blue, green, yellow, orange. EFFECTS: The series repeats faster and faster until Carmody and the Prize flash stroboscopically in blinding light. Carmody stops flashing. The Clerk, the Messenger and the building dissolve into a mist, revealing the Galactic Centre outside. The city itself becomes "flat", like a huge children's mural. Carmody watches, amazed, as a crack appears in a top corner of the mural. The crack widens and lengthens, and races down to the opposite corner. THE PRIZE (whispers) Don't worry, they do it with mirrors. The edges curl back to show blackness behind it. The entire mural snaps inside itself like two window shades and vanishes, leaving Carmody in a silent void. He peers nervously into the void as hazy, plasmic shapes appear. Steam HISSES, liquids GURGLE. The plasma shifts, congeals and solidifies into EXT. THE SURFACE OF MELICHRONE'S PLANET Beneath Carmody is primordial lava rock; in the distance are barren mountains the color of white bone and a river of frozen lava. A faint breeze ruffles his hair. Overhead are three tiny red suns. With a sudden start, he realizes that the Prize is no longer in his hands. He looks around frantically. ANGLE ON A SMALL GREEN GARTER SNAKE its tail curled around Carmody's neck. The snake stretches its head upward, yawns and grins at Carmody. THE SNAKE It's me. I'm your Prize. In a different form. We Prizes are genetically-engineered,
35. THE SNAKE (CONT'D) polymorphous slave-servants: in short, we have no shape. CARMODY You're slaves? THE PRIZE Correct. Since we are always being awarded to various creatures, our functions must adapt to those of our alien masters. To speak, for example, I merely run a tapline into your association bank. Our prime directive being to serve and comfort our masters. CARMODY That's good to hear. For a minute I thought you'd taken off. No way, keed. like glom.
THE SNAKE/PRIZE I'm stuck to you
CARMODY You mean "glue". THE PRIZE I beg your pardon? CARMODY Stuck to you like glue. "glom".
You said
THE PRIZE I mean glom! Have you ever been stuck to glom? Well, I have, and it's not a pretty sight. Why, I remember a time-CARMODY Excuse me, but where am I? And what's supposed to happen here? THE PRIZE I was coming to that. This planet was the creation of its only inhabitant -- the autochthonous Melichrome, who has been here as long as anyone can remember, and will be here as long as anyone can project. We HEAR an ominous VOLCANIC RUMBLING. to tremble.
The ground begins
36.
Where is he?
CARMODY
THE PRIZE Melichrome is evolving in order to be able to speak to you. Answer him boldly but wirh tact. Do not make any reference to his disability, and be sure--CARMODY What disability? THE PRIZE -- be sure you remember his one limitation. And above all, when he asks you his Question, answer it with extreme care! The RUMBLING grows louder, the shaking more violent. CARMODY What the hell are you talking about? What-what's happening?! THE PRIZE (YAWNS) Stop nagging at me! I cannot abide it! And now I can retain consciousness no longer. I have delayed my hibernation unbearably. So long, keed, and don't let them sell you any wooden centrifuges. The Snake Prize adjusts its coils around Carmody's neck, puts its tail in its mouth, and lazily goes to sleep. CARMODY Wait, damn it! What disability? What limitation? And what question is he going to-The rock beneath him shakes and splits open, throwing him violently to the ground. He looks up to see The ground rises up into a gigantic raging volcano which spits gouts of flame and hurls dazzling fireballs into the black sky. It is actually quite an amazing display. The fireballs EXPLODE into millions of incandescent fragments, lighting up the sky with the most magnificent fireworks we have ever seen. (All of this happens rather quickly.) Watching the spectacle, Carmody climbs to his feet. is too genuinely impressed to be frightened. Wow!
CARMODY
He
37. The fireworks fall into huge oceans which magically form to receive them. Multicolored streamers of smoke twist and writhe around each other. The oceans HISS and turn into steam, which rises in strangely beautiful clouds that dissolve into a rainbow sunshower of glistening rain. Carmody is completely thrilled at the sight, even though he is completely drenched. Hooeee!
CARMODY
The rain begins falling slantingly. A rising wind weaves the rains into a vast, thick-trunked tornado. The distant tornado advances upon Carmody to the rhythmic accompaniment of deafening THUNDERCLAPS. Carmody YELLS into the wind. CARMODY Enough already! When the tornado reaches his feet, it dissolves, the wind and rain rush skyward, the thunder diminishes to an ominous RUMBLE. A paean of BUGLES, HARPS and BAGPIPES reverberate magnificently across the face of the planet. A vast MALE CHORUS fades in triumphantly in a wordless song of celebration. There is a final burst of sound, light, color, movement, and various other things -- all of which congeal into the heroic, jet black form of a naked, featureless MAN. This is Melichrone. (NOTE: The actor who plays RON MELISH in the film's open also plays his counterpart, Melichrone.) Carmody stares in awe at the mysterious creature. is an uncomfortable pause. Then -
There
MELICHRONE Well... how did you like my entrance? Melichrone's voice is ancient but refined, anxious, (and a little whiney like Ron Melish). He sounds like a cross between David Niven, Tony Randall and God. I-I-I
was
CARMODY overwhelmed...
MELICHRONE Were you really? I mean, really overwhelmed? I mean, more than just impressed? The truth now, and don't spare my feelings. CARMODY Really, I was really overwhelmed.
38. MELICHRONE Well... that's awfully nice. What you saw was a little Introduction to Myself that I worked out recently. I think--I really do think--that it says something about me, don't you...? Curious, Carmody walks slowly forward, trying to discern some distinguishing features on Melichrone's black, featureless face. CARMODY Sure... sure it does. MELICHRONE It's absurd, of course. I mean, having a big introduction for oneself and all. But yet, it is my planet. And if one can't show off a bit on one's own planet, where can one show off? Eh? CARMODY Uh... there's no arguing that... MELICHRONE Do you really think so? CARMODY (GETTING NERVOUS) I honestly do, uh, mean it in all sincerity... There is another uncomfortable pause (uncomfortable for Carmody) as Melichrone broods over their conversation. MELICHRONE Hmmm... Thank you. I like you. You are an intelligent, sensitive creature and you are not afraid to say what you mean. Thank you.
CARMODY
MELICHRONE No, I really mean it. CARMODY (on the verge of hysteria) Well then, I really thank you! Really...!
39. MELICHRONE And I'm glad you came. I am Melichrone. Do you know, I am a very intuitive creature. I pride myself on thatand I do think that you can help me with my problem. SLOWLY MOVE IN ON CARMODY His face starts twitching nervously as the alien begins brooding again, deep in thought. The NARRATOR intones: NARRATOR V.0. It was on the tip of Carmody's tongue to say that he had come to ask for help, and was in no position to help anyone. But he remained silent, for by now it was clear that these aliens loved to talk about themselves, not unlike most human beings. BACK TO SCENE MELICHRONE My problem is simple and yet profound. This planet is mine; yet I am the only thing than can live here. Others have tried, with my approval, but each time, all matter alien to this planet eventually crumbles into a thin dust, which my winds blow out to deep space. Strange...
CARMODY
MELICHRONE Yes, strange... And, indeed, it gave me quite a turn when I realized that there could be nothing here...but myself. CARMODY I imagine it did. MELICHRONE And I have been here alone for as long as I can remember.
40. MELICHRONE (CONT'D) For ages I was content to live simply, as amoeba, as lichen, as ferns, in a sort of Garden of Eden, composed of Myself. Here... allow me to recreate it for you... EFFECTS: In a very quick--but gentle--transition, the planet transforms into a glowing Garden of Eden, bursting with exotic, luminous plantlife. CARMODY Uh, that looks just great... MELICHRONE (sadly) I liked it... but it couldn't last, of course. Since it consisted soley of me, it soon became excruciatingly boring. As Melichrone speaks, the screen-like tableau around them transforms to match his description, showing an entire evolutionary cycle strangely unfolding with great beauty. MELICHRONE (CONT'D) Quite by accident, I discovered evolution and evolved myself into many creatures, some not nice. I entered a manic phase of creation lasting some millions of years... The images around them transform into clusters of races, forming separate nations. (The projected holograms display Melichrone's godlike imagination.) He speaks rapidly, passionately: MELICHRONE (CONT'D) I transformed into entire races, and I permitted--no, encouraged-my races to war against each other. I divided into masculine and feminine components, and I procreated, indulged in perversions, burned myself at the stake, ambushed myself, made peace treaties with myself, married and divorced myself, went through countless miniature self-deaths and auto-births. MONTAGE: Wars fought throughout time, civilizations rising and decaying in a cosmic time-lapse of history.
41. MELICHRONE (CONT'D) My components worshipped me, of course. But I even let them worship gods which were not me. For in those days, I was extremely liberal. CARMODY That was very thoughtful of
you.
MELICHRONE Well, I try to be thoughtful. But I could afford to be. For I was the life in the sperm cells, as well as the death in the plague bacillus. I was the Binder and the Unbinder, the All and the Many, That Which Always Was and That Which Always Will Be. The background tableau gently dissolves into swirling whisps of smoke. The dark, barren planet appears again beneath the haze. As Melichrone broods, there is another uncomfortable pause. CARMODY Uh, that's really something... MELICHRONE Yes, yes, it was all very splendid. If only it could have gone on! CARMODY Why didn't it? MELICHRONE (sadly) Because I grew up. After untold aeons, I realized that I was still lacking in self-knowledge, except through the biased eyes of my creations. CARMODY So what did you do? MELICHRONE I destroyed them, everything. Frankly, I needed time to think. CARMODY (shocked) You... destroyed them?
42. MELICHRONE Well, I really didn't destroy anyone. I simply gathered the fragments of myself back into myself. CARMODY I see... interesting... but you mentioned you had a specific problem...? MELICHRONE I was just coming to that. You see, the God business is a job for a simple-minded egomaniac. There must be something more--more meaningful for me to do, I am convinced of it! And that is my problem, and my Question to you: What, in a nutshell, am I to do with myself? Melichrone leans forward, eager to hear what Carmody has to say. Carmody rubs his chin, trying to look thoughtful. CARMODY (NERVOUSLY) Well... Well, well. Yes, I see your problem... He clears his throat, trying to stall for time. CARMODY Yes, yes, a problem like that requires a great deal of, uh, thought. MELICHRONE Time is unimportant to me. I have limitless quantities of it. Though you, I am sorry to say, have not. CARMODY What? I don't? How much time do I have? MELICHRONE About ten minutes, as you would reckon it. Shortly thereafter, something rather dreadful is likely to happen to you. CARMODY What's going to happen to me?
43. MELICHRONE Come now, fair's fair. First answer my question, then I'll answer yours. Since it's my planet, we do things by my rules. That's reasonable, isn't it? CARMODY Yeah, I suppose so. Nine minutes.
MELICHRONE
ANGLE ON CARMODY - SLOWLY MOVE IN as he thinks desperately. Naturally, the NARRATOR intones: NARRATOR V.0. How do you tell a God what his function should be? Especially if, like Carmody, you are an atheist? And especially if the God's priests and philosophers have spent centuries futilely pondering the same question? BACK TO SCENE MELICHRONE Eight minutes. CARMODY (NERVOUSLY) Uh, it seems to me ... that the solution to your problem ... is ... is possibly ... MELICHRONE (eagerly) Yes...? CARMODY ... is to find something to make your existence meaningful, uh, something like a quest, a purpose, a function... Yes... ?
MELICHRONE
Carmody rubs his forehead, trying to concentrate, as we HEAR:
44. NARRATOR V.0. Did he have seven minutes left? Or six? And what was going to happen at the end of that time? CARMODY Very well, then...have you ever considered making, uh... knowledge your quest? MELICHRONE (IMPATIENTLY) Yes, yes, yes. I read every book in the galaxy, explored every concept since the beginning of time. I have forgotten a a few details, like the Secret of Existence, but I can relearn it whenever I please. Ultimately, I found that real knowledge cannot be expressed in words. And what good is something if you can't talk about it? CARMODY Maybe you were meant to be an artist... MELICHRONE I went through that phase. I painted sunsets on canvas and on the sky, wrote books in words and other books in events, composed symphonies for instruments and for wind and rain. But since I can create actual reality, why bother to create art to represent reality? CARMODY Hmmm, I see, I see. You've certainly given this matter a great deal of thought... MELICHRONE Yes, I have thought of little else for some millions of years. (sadly) I have looked for a purpose exterior to myself, yet at the heart of everything, I have found only...myself. Carmody ponders nervously.
45. NARRATOR V.0. Carmody could have felt sorry for the ancient God if his own situation had not been so desperate. His time was dwindling as he tried to focus on the problem. It was only when he cleared his mind, that he was struck with an unexpected inspiration... Carmody's face brightens. CARMODY (confidently) Melichrone...I have solved your problem. MELICHRONE (with genuine interest) Oh, have you really? I mean, you're not just saying that because, unless you do solve it to my satisfaction, you're fated to die in seventy-three seconds? You haven't let that influence you unduly, have you? CARMODY I have allowed it to influence me only in that such an influence is needed to solve your problem. MELICHRONE Oh. All right. Please hurry up and tell me. I'm so excited! CARMODY I can't. It's physically impossible for me to explain everything--if you're going to kill me in sixty seconds. MELICHRONE I? Good heavens, I am not going to kill you? Your impending death is an exterior event quite without reference to me. By the way, you have twelve seconds left. CARMODY (firmly) It isn't long enough.
46. Melichrone considers briefly, then makes a small gesture at the sky. EFFECTS: A CRACKLING electric arc wipes across the sky from horizon to horizon, changing everything slightly, but leaving it basically the same. MELICHRONE I have just altered the local spacetime continuum at the ten second mark, although It'll require some cleaning up afterwards. In effect, your ten seconds are now equal to twentyfive years of my local time. Thank you.
CARMODY
MELICHRONE Think nothing of it. Now...as you were saying...? CARMODY The solution, yes...very well... (takes a deep breath) Uh, Melichrone, as you know, you have tremendous powers. But you can only use them here. Therefore, you must use your powers...in the service of others. MELICHRONE (confused) In the service of... others? CARMODY Exactly! Since you are omnipotent in your own world, you cannot be aided or assisted; but you can aid and assist others! Your purpose, then, is to serve that which is not you! Melichrone pauses, intrigued with the idea. nods his head. MELICHRONE Yes, the argument has force... But - but the outside world rarely comes this way. In fact, if I remember correctly, it never does. CARMODY The job does require patience. But in all modesty...
He slowly
47. CARMODY (CONT'D) I must point out that I am from the exterior. And I have a problem I can't solve. And you can fulfill your purpose by helping me. Fascinated, Melichrone turns away and paces deep in thought. Finally he stops short and turns to Carmody. MELICHRONE Yes. I really think you have something there. You do?
CARMODY
MELICHRONE Yes! Fate must have destined this to happen: I, a creator, was created with no problem to solve; and you, a created, became the creator of a problem that only a God could solve! This is wonderful! CARMODY Great. So how about my problem? MELICHRONE Yes, yes, I have already deduced it. Superficially, you need to find the When, Where and Which to get home. Hmmm, a difficult problem, I must say. At that, the entire sky begins to darken over. unhealthy RUMBLING begins, shaking Carmody. CARMODY What's that ... ? MELICHRONE Why, my dear fellow... it is the death that is pursuing you. CARMODY What? I thought you stretched my ten seconds into twenty-five years! MELICHRONE I did. But time is a tricky sort of variable.
A low,
48. MELICHRONE (CONT'D) Eighteen of your years are already used up, and the rest are depleting rapidly. The sky grows darker, the RUMBLING more ominous. Melichrone is fascinated. MELICHRONE Hmmm... it appears your Predator has found you, and is carelessly clodhopping towards this dimension. My what?
CARMODY
MELICHRONE Your Predator. You see, it's very simple, really. The entire universe operates on all species eating, and in turn being eaten. But here, away from your planet, you are immune from your normal predators, such as deadly viruses or psychotic criminals. The ominous RUMBLING grows louder, the sky grows blacker. CARMODY Look, can you speed this up a little bit? Why does this thing want to eat me? MELICHRONE Because you have created a predatory imbalance in the fabric of the universe. Thus, the universe has evolved a predator to feed soley on you. The RUMBLING grows louder. MELICHRONE (CONT'D) And I'm afraid he must be very hungry, since you are the only thing he can eat. CARMODY (NERVOUSLY) Well! It's been a real thrill meeting you! Uh, how about sending me home?
49. MELICHRONE (checks his watch) Sadly, by the time I properly researched the matter, you would already be full digested. But I can send you to Maudsley, a friend of mine, who might help you. CARMODY You have friends...? MELICHRONE Well, an acquaintance, really. You see, eons ago I almost went on a galactic sightseeing trip, where I would have met Maudsley. I didn't go, but we both know that if I had gone, we would have met, cracked a few jokes and ended up with a mild fondness for each other. The ominous RUMBLING crescendos as a swirling SPOT OF BLACKNESS materializes between them. MELICHRONE (CONT'D) I'm afraid your death has arrived. Carmody nervously backs away behind a rock. CARMODY Say, uh, I'd like to leave right about now, if that's OK with you. MELICHRONE If you are quite sure. Maudsley may simply kill you. And even if he does try to help, the trip might prove to be quite horrible, and not really worth the--CARMODY I'm sure, I'm sure. I promise I won't hold you responsible. And thanks for all your help, Melichrone, really. You're a prince. A frightening BLACK FORM forms between them. MELICHRONE That's very decent of you. But there's no need to thank me.
50. MELICHRONE (CONT'D) My duty in the universe is to serve strangers. Good luck, Carmody! And farewell! Melichrone flicks his little finger towards him. With the Prize still curled asleep around his neck, Carmody is engulfed in another spluttering pinwheel of light. As the RUMBLING predator shoots out a tendril to snatch him, Carmody vanishes. Now alone, Melichrone calmly addresses the swirling black mass, which groans with a weird MECHANICAL SOUND as it realizes Carmody is gone. MELICHRONE Yes, he's gone, you poor fellow. But carry on the hunt! And best of luck to you as well! The black mass grinds its invisible gears and disappears with a HISS. Alone, Melichrone looks out upon his barren planet, sighs, and smiles wistfully. MELICHRONE Ah ... well... He looks at his wristwatch and sighs again, standing motionless, watching the skies, waiting... SLOWLY PULL BACK as we hear: NARRATOR V.0. And so, thanks to Carmody, Melichrone now knew his purpose, and he waited through the eons, eager to serve something exterior to himself. Meanwhile, Carmody and the Prize were spinning through the cracks between the universes, experiencing the electric essence of everything... CUT TO: EFFECTS - A CRACK IN THE UNIVERSE - (WITH MAGICAL MUSIC) Carmody is gliding again though the colorful and fantastic fractal terrains and Escher designs, accompanied by our lively, magical THEME. ANGLE ON CARMODY - enjoying himself as the beautiful, impossible shapes float past and through him. The Prize, still wrapped snakelike around his neck, yawns and smiles sleepily at Carmody.
51. THE PRIZE Que pasa, Boss? How's it hangin'? CARMODY (not unpleasantly) Fine, no thanks to you. While you were napping, I almost had my arms and legs ripped off. THE PRIZE I know. During my hibernation, I took the liberty of monitoring your discussion, in case you got killed. CARMODY That was thoughtful of you. THE PRIZE Don't mention it. You know, you'd make a pretty good God, by the way, if you ever wanted to apply.
Me?
CARMODY (shocked) Try to be a God?
THE PRIZE Why not? You were Captain of your college Debating Team. It's just another position the Universe has to fill. It's not easy, I'll grant you. But with practice, you could create some savages, start some primitive wars, that sort of thing. CARMODY (shuddering) That's sacreligious! A strong gust of wind jolts them.
As they're blown away:
THE PRIZE You sure talk funny for an atheist. They are sucked down into weird worm-hole tunnel. EXT.
A MEADOW - DAY - (MUSIC OUT)
The tunnel spits Carmody onto the grass. He looks of green meadow. In the next field a dog BARKS and a herd of spotted cows are grazing.
52. agged, snow-topped mountains cut into the horizon. Carmody looks around his neck for the Prize/snake, but it is no longer there. CARMODY Hey, where'd you go? THE PRIZE O.S. I'm right here. Carmody sees a small copper cauldron at his feet. Is this you?
CARMODY
He picks it up. Around the cauldron's handle, a vestige eyes, nose and mouth grimace at Carmody. THE PRIZE Of course it's me. Can't you even recognize your own Prize? CARMODY Well, you've changed a lot. THE PRIZE True. But my essence, the real me, never changes. Carmody peers into the cauldron and recoils at the odor. THE PRIZE What's the matter? CARMODY What's that inside you? THE PRIZE It's my lunch, if you must know. I require occasional nourishment, of course. I also require rest, mild exercise, sexual congress, intermittent intoxication, and an occasional bowel movement--none of which you have supplied me since I was awarded to you. CARMODY Well, I haven't had any of those things either. THE PRIZE (astonished) You require them too?
53. THE PRIZE (CONT'D) Yes, of course, I suppose you do. It's strange, but I guess I had thought of you as--as solid all the way through and bowelless, somehow. CARMODY That’s the way I’d thought of you. THE PRIZE Well, some aliens are, of course. But never mind that now. Perform the pause that refreshes! Hitch your hypothalmus to a star! For now it comes, even... Maudsley! Carmody turns to see three figures walking slowly up the ridge of the hill: MAUDSLEY -- a tough-looking old man with white hair, wearing a leather jacket -- is flanked by a woman (ORIN) & a man (BROOKSIDE), his two students. All three are wearing hard-hats. (NOTE: The actor who plays MATT ESSLEY in the film's open also plays his counterpart, MAUDSLEY.) CARMODY (sotto; to Prize) They look human. Is that Maudsley in the middle? THE PRIZE Check. And get with it: bipedal humanoid is a common shape in this part of the galaxy. CARMODY What about Maudsley? How should I deal with him? THE PRIZE You got me, bub. Maudsley is too alien for me to understand. But there is one piece of advice I can give you: he's a businessman. And businessmen are busy. So be sure and get his attention immediately. CARMODY That won't be a problem. The three quickly approach. The students are doing all the talking to Maudsley, who is silent. Carmody clears his throat and walks towards them.
54. CARMODY (firmly) Good day, sir. My name is-But they don't even notice him. Carmody has to jump aside to avoid being trampled by the oblivious trio. They walk past, still talking and gesturing. THE PRIZE (sarcastically, to Carmody) Hey, I'm glad that wasn't a problem. Shut up.
CARMODY
With a certain grimness, he hurries after the little group, waiting for an opportunity to get their attention. ORIN (smiling proudly) Well, sir, we wanted to surprise you with this project. What do you think of it, sir? MAUDSLEY I am surprised, truly surprised... but in a most unpleasant way. I ask you two to build a world for an old client, and you come up with this!? Do you really consider yourself engineers? The students look at each other. throat.
BROOKSIDE clears his
BROOKSIDE Well, yes, sir, we do. The job specs called for a Type 34Bc4 planet with custom features. And that's what we built. As you can see, we used nothing but the-MAUDSLEY What kind of heating unit did you use? ORIN A type 05 sun, sir. It fitted the thermal requirements perfectly.
55. MAUDSLEY I daresay it did. But this was a budget world, remember? If we don't keep costs down, we don't make a profit. And what is the biggest single cost item, Brookside? BROOKSIDE The heating unit, sir. But we had to use an 05 sun because of the heat and radiation requirements, which--MAUDSLEY For a single-planet system?! Haven't you learned anything from me? You there--! (yells to WORKMEN) Take this star down immediately! Carmody watches as FOUR WORKMEN hurry past him with a step-ladder. EFFECTS: One worker braces the ladder while another man unfolds it, ten times, a hundred times, a million times. Two other WORKMEN race up the ladder as it goes up. MAUDSLEY Handle it carefully! And be sure you're wearing gloves! That thing's hot! The workmen at the very top of the ladder unhook the star, fold it into itself and put it into a padded box marked: "STAR: HANDLE WITH CARE". When the lid on the box falls shut --- suddenly everything goes pitch black. We HEAR Maudsley groan. MAUDSLEY V.0. Hasn't anyone any sense around here? ...Damn it all! Let there be light! And there is light (as before). Maudsley is not happy. MAUDSLEY (CONT'D) Put that 05 sun back in storage. On a quick job like this we can use a G13. ORIN But, sir, uh, a G13 sun isn't hot enough.
56. MAUDSLEY Of course it isn't! So you have to move the planet closer in! ORIN (tactfully) Yes, sir...but any closer and the PR rays could be deadly. The inhabitants would have to wear protective lead suits weighing some fifty pounds each. BROOKSIDE And the average member of this race weighs only, uh, eight pounds. MAUDSLEY Haven't you learned anything? Of course they don't have to wear lead suits! We make them buy an optional extra, a solar screen to block the PR rays. The students again exchange nervous
looks.
ORIN Uh, this is a somewhat underprivileged species, sir. I think perhaps they can't afford the solar screen, sir. MAUDSLEY Then they can learn to save their money! Anyhow, PR radiations aren't instantly fatal. They'll still have a lifespan of 9.2 years, which is enough for anyone! ORIN AND BROOKSIDE (unhappily) Yes, sir. Brookside jots down the change on his clipboard. Maudsley continues to pace around, looking and frowning as Carmody watches, trying to be inconspicuous. MAUDSLEY What the hell are those cows doing down there? BROOKSIDE I thought it would make the place more inviting, sir.
57. MAUDSLEY You oaf! You make a place look inviting before the sale, not after. This place was sold unfurnished. Throw those cows into the protoplasm vat. ORIN Yes, sir, terribly sorry, sir. there anything else?
Is
MAUDSLEY Anything else?! What the hell is this? (points at Carmody) A statue or something? Is he supposed to sing a song or recite a poem when the new race arrives? Carmody sees his chance and steps
forward.
CARMODY Sir, I am not a part of this. Melichrone, a friend of yours, sent me. I'm trying to get home to my own planet, and--Maudsley clearly is not listening to Carmody. MAUDSLEY Whatever it is, it's not on the specs. Stick it back in the vat with the cows. The workmen lift Carmody and carry him away. CARMODY Hey! Wait a minute! I'm not a part of this planet! Melichrone sent me! Wait, hold on, listen to me! MAUDSLEY (IGNORING CARMODY) You two really ought to be ashamed of yourselves. What the hell was that monstrosity supposed to be? ORIN Uh, I didn't put him there, chief. BROOKSIDE Neither did I. Puzzled, Maudsley calls to the workmen who are hauling Carmody down the hill.
58. MAUDSLEY Hmmm. You there! Bring that back here for a moment. The workmen scuttle Carmody back and drop him in a heap at Maudsley's feet. Carmody is shaking uncontrollably. Maudsley helps him up. MAUDSLEY (CONT'D) All right, pull yourself together, I can't wait around here all day! Did you say that that ass Melichrone sent you? What planet are you from anyway? CARMODY Sir, I'm from a planet called Earth. Uh, it's in a galaxy far, far away-MAUDSLEY Earth!? That bloody insane asylum? CARMODY (hopefully) You mean... you know it? Know it.
MAUDSLEY I built it!
CARMODY Well, in that case, maybe, uh, you could help me get back. You see, to make a long story short -MAUDSLEY What do I look like, a goddamn travel agent? It's out of the question! You're on your own, young man; that's the cold hard bottom line of the universe. Furthermore, I have a longstanding disagreement with the owner of earth, and I want nothing more to do with it! CARMODY With the owner of earth ... ? MAUDSLEY A rather nasty contractual dispute, actually... (lights a cigar and broods)
59. MAUDSLEY (CONT'D) Strange. It still nags at me, and that was eons ago... CARMODY What happened? MAUDSLEY As a by-product of the owner, you actually may find the story of interest... (to his students; angrily) And since vou nitwits may find it instructive, I'll transmit it mentally. Orin and Brookside fold their hands and close their eyes. Carmody isn't sure what he's supposed to do. Maudsley glares at him again. Well... ?
MAUDSLEY
THE PRIZE (TO CARMODY) Close your eyes, dummy! Carmody closes his eyes. The screen goes black. A triumphant ORCHESTRAL THEME begins, and a TITLE appears in huge granite letters: THE STORY OF THE CREATION OF THE EARTH The TITLE fades to black. A vast CONSTRUCTION SITE appears as BUSTLING SIT-COM MUSIC fades in like a TV show. Maudley's VOICE intones philosophically: MAUDSLEY V.0. I was a small planet contractor then. But the smaller the job, the more the complaints: "Why must water flow downhill? The gravity's too heavy! Hot air rises when it ought to fall!" and so on. Maudsley appears, superimposed over the shot. back at the scene as he reminisces. MAUDSLEY (CONT'D) Before long, I was losing money. Too many questions and last minute changes. I had to develop a new sales gimmick, and fast. (pauses to light a fat cigar)
He looks
60. MAUDSLEY (CONT'D) As it happened, your planet Earth was my first test case... EFFFCTS: Behind him, the Job site tableau DISSOLVES into a jagged mountain peak. Standing on it, overlooking a magnificent vista, is a bearded OLD MAN on white robes with a staff. Next to him is a YOUNG MAUDSLEY. Our (old) Maudsley in the foreground continues: MAUDSLEY (CONT'D) A tall, bearded old man with piercing eyes hired me to build a planet called Earth. It was another budget planet, so I did it in six days and cut a few corners here and there. Right away the old man wanted a refund. As Maudsley watches the tableau behind him, the OLD MAN angrily addresses YOUNG MAUDSLEY on the peak. OLD MAN I should pay for this? Look! There are hurricanes and tornadoes everywhere! YOUNG MAUDSLEY (in b.g. tableau) Well, that's just part of the atmosphere circulation system. MAUDSLEY (narrating to camera) Actually, I'd been a little rushed, and I'd forgotten to put in an air circulation overload valve. OLD MAN And three quarters of the place is water! I clearly specified a 60-40 land-to-water ratio! YOUNG MAUDSLEY Yes, but the plasmic hydrogen dust permeating this galactic sector makes a land-dominant planet unfeasible. MAUDSLEY (TO CAMERA) The truth was, I'd lost the job specs. I can never keep track of these little one-planet projects.
61. OLD MAN Well, what little land you did give me is filled with deserts and swamps and jungles and mountains! YOUNG MAUDSLEY Uh, there's a reason for that. You see... MAUDSLEY (TO CAMERA) The real reason was, I couldn't make the job pay without left-over junk mountains, oceans and deserts as filler. OLD MAN A reason! I'm putting humans down there, and humans are notoriously picky, just as I am. What am I supposed to tell them? MAUDSLEY (TO CAMERA) Well, I knew what he could tell them. (puffs his cigar) But I pretended to give the matter thought. It was time to try out my new sales gimmick. YOUNG MAUDSLEY You just tell them the plain truth. You tell them that everything that is must be. That, sir, is called... Science. "Science"? Science?
OLD MAN (SKEPTICALLY) And what, exactly, is
MAUDSLEY (to camera) The following, gentleman, is a classic switcheroo, if I do any so myself... YOUNG MAUDSLEY It's quite simple. Science dictates that your planet is exactly as it should be-- because it is that way. With Science, you can distract them from messy questions like, "How did it get here?"-- by keeping them busy with "How does it work"?
62. The Old Man listens skeptically to this doubletalk, then begins arguing back. Here the tableau soundtrack fades under as (old) Maudsley narrates: MAUDSLEY Well, he asked me some pretty tough questions, but he didn't know business. So I razzle-dazzled him, mainly about giving his people free will and spook stuff like that. But he took my story a little too seriously. The tableau soundtrack fades back up. Dramatic MUSIC. OLD MAN Hmmm. There is greater depth here than I had considered. I wanted my people to see all life as one interconnected Being -- myself!-rather than wasting time dissecting atoms and forming unconnected conclusions. But I had forgotten about free will... I will create individuals. Not miniature versions of myself. And they may worship this useless Science, if they wish. When they come back to me, they'll be better for it! You have reminded me about precious free will... and for this I am grateful. MAUDSLEY (TO CAMERA) Frankly, he got me a little nervous. I mean, he was a nobody, but he had class. I got the feeling that if he refused to pay, I'd feel too guilty to sue him. OLD MAN Don't worry, sir, you will be paid in full for this planet exactly as it is. And as for its flaws and defects, I pay for those as well. YOUNG MAUDSLEY What do you mean? OLD MAN I pay for your errors by accepting them without dispute.
63. OLD MAN (CONT'D) And by turning away from you now and going about my business: the business of creating a race strong enough to survive on this slipshod planet. Good day, sir, and goodbye. EFFECTS: The Old Man raises his staff and VANISHES. The older Maudsley gestures, and the tableau behind him wipes clean to pitch blackness. MAUDSLEY (to camera) Well, I'd had all the good arguments, yet to this day I feel lousy about that sale. The old boy knew how to get me with guilt. But it doesn't matter. I bent the contract, I didn't break it! That's business. You owe it to yourself to make a profit! He waves his hand and the lecture dissolves, revealing the budget planet as before. Orin, Brookside and Carmody unfold their hands and open their eyes. MAUDSLEY Do you boys understand me? Yes, sir. Good.
ORIN AND BROOKSIDE
MAUDSLEY Now clean up this place!
They nod and get back to work. Maudsley turns to Carmody. MAUDSLEY (CONT'D) All right, now I have business to attend to. You have one hour to get off my property. Maudsley turns to leave. Carmody thinks fast. CARMODY Maudsley, I have a business proposition that may interest you. MAUDSLEY You? What can you possibly offer me?
64. CARMODY A way to square with the old man and get rid of the guilt. Maudsley stares at him with intense curiosity. MAUDSLEY You're wasting your time, but-(checks his watch) --I'll give you ten seconds. CARMODY All right. The bottom line is-even though you didn't break your contract, something else proves that you cheated the old man. Shocked, Orin and Brookside (who have been eavesdropping) try to shush Carmody behind Maudsley's back. MAUDSLEY And what might that be? CARMODY The fact that after eons, you still feel guilty. Surprised, Maudsley considers this. MAUDSLEY Hmmm. True. Very well. So what? CARMODY So, I propose a two-part solution: first, that you do a renovation of the planet, fixing everything you botched, free of charge. Maudsley trembles with rage. Orin and Brookside turn pale and subtly back away. MAUDSLEY What!? Do you realize what that would cost me at today's prices?! Why, inflation alone--! CARMODY And secondly, that you send a messenger to earth to offer your apologies. ike me, for instance.
65. MAUDSLEY Do you really expect me to waste my valuable time and money to do a good deed for some old sucker halfway across the galaxy?! CARMODY If you want to get rid of the guilt, it's the only way. Maudsley thinks it over. MAUDSLEY Interesting. I respect someone who plays hardball, unlike these spineless idiots. Let me think. He quickly punches numbers on a calculator. MAUDSLEY All right. I'll fix up your damned planet, just to get that old fool off my conscience. But I want you to make sure he knows that I'm really going to eat it on this one! CARMODY I'll make sure. By the way, uh, how exactly do I get his attention? MAUDSLEY His attention? It's his planet. You simply speak up in a firm, clear voice-- what else? CARMODY Right. You know, Maudsley... before today, I never used to believe in any God at all. MAUDSLEY Belief in the existence of God is as easy and natural as belief in an apple, and of no more or less significance. It's the God business that's full of it. CARMODY The God business?
66. MAUDSLEY Religion, of course! Churches! Their con is, "Yes, you've got free will. Now use it to enslave yourselves to God and to us." The effrontery of it. God, who wouldn't coerce a fly, is painted as a supreme slavemaster. Any creature with spirit must rebel, and serve God entirely of his own volition! And furthermore -CARMODY Excuse me, sir, but it's getting late. I'd like to, you know, get back to earth with that message. MAUDSLEY Yes, yes, yes. I'll call U.P.S. for a freight pick-up. Freight is cheaper, since you'll probably be killed in transit. In the meantime, relax, take a look around the place. EXT.
A FACTORY IN A CLEARING - ESTABLISHING - DAY
A sign out front: MAUDSLEY CONSTRUCTION, LTD. TEMPORARY FACILITY Attention: Hard Hat Area INT.
FACTORY
-
DAY
Carmody is touring the noisy, smoky plant, which looks like a Gary, Indiana steel foundry. A burly, red-faced FOREMAN in a hard-hat is showing him around, yelling over the SCREECHING of machines and the FLARING of furnaces. FOREMAN These rows of compressors are Mr. Maudsley's Plasma Squeezers for creating energy. First we take some curved space, melt it into a plasma ball, compress it to the size of Planck's Constant till we get a white hole. Then we put a suction hose on it and suck pure energy into these refrigeration vats. Over here, the energy congeals into your basic particles- mu mesons, positrons, that sort of ginger-bread.
67. CARMODY (yelling over noise) Do you manufacture anti-matter? FOREMAN Yeah, but we make that stuff in a separate building. CARMODY A building made of anti-matter? FOREMAN Yeah, and you gotta be careful. If that shit contacts regular matter, it explodes in a chain reaction, and ka-boom! the universe is destroyed. CARMODY It must be tricky to package. FOREMAN Nah, we just put it in neutral cartons. CARMODY Do you make your own protons and neutrons? FOREMAN Nope. We get our subatomic particles from subcontractors. Carmody chuckles, and the Foreman eyes him suspiciously. As the tour continues past rows of blazing furnaces and blustery machines, our Narrator interjects: NARRATOR V.0. Camody was amused and a bit giddy at the sights and sounds of creation. But after a while he had to leave. After all, he could only be amazed for so long. Carmody realized with a shudder that if you stare at them long enough, even the Secrets of the Universe become boring. DISSOLVE TO: EXT.
A STRANGE FOREST/JUNGLE - DAY
Carmody is walking alone with his Prize (still a cauldron) under his arm, and soaking in the greenery.
68. On a hill in the b.g. is Maudsley's Energy Plant, its chimneys spitting out spirals of black smoke. There is a RUSTLING in the brush ahead. He peeks through the ferns and sees two humans in space suits. One a ruddylooking older MAN (PROFESSOR), the other an attractive GIRL (AVIVA). (NOTE: The actress who plays MARIANNE in the film's open, also plays her counterpart, AVIVA.) Aviva sees Carmody and points at him excitedly. Father!
AVIVA Look, I think that's him!
PROFESSOR (to Carmody) Yes! Yes, we've found you! Carmody sees a NASA insignia and an American flag patch on the Professor's suit. CARMODY NASA...? You're from earth? What are you doing here? Carmody helps them up from the ravine as they talk: PROFESSOR Shhh! Not so loud! Thank goodness we arrived in time! AVIVA You are Thomas Carmody? Yes, but--
CARMODY
AVIVA We'd just about given up! It's vital that you leave immediately! PROFESSOR I just hope you're worth it. Three lives are on the line for you. They quickly free themselves before Carmody can respond. The Professor draws his bulb-nosed weapon in earnest and scans the surrounding woods.
69. PROFESSOR (fierce whisper) It looks clear for the moment. Quickly, back to the ship!. The Professor quickly BLASTS a path through the thick woods with his weapon. Aviva gives Carmody an encouraging look and quickly follows her father. CARMODY Wait a minute, what is all this? Who are you people? What are you doing here? AVIVA (flushing with embarrassment) Oh, forgive me. We've been rushing so, we haven't even introduced ourselves! I'm Aviva Christiansen, and this is my father, Professor Lars Christiansen. Mr. Carmody-CARMODY The name's Tom. As they rush through the woods and make eye contact, we see that Tom and Aviva feel an instant attraction. AVIVA Tom, then... Where was I? Oh, yes, Dad and I are connected with the Interstellar Rescue Association, which has its offices in Stockholm, Geneva and Washington. CARMODY I'm afraid I've never heard of it. As Carmody hustles to keep up with them, Aviva keeps obliviously SLAPPING tree branches back against Carmody's face. He keeps ducking as she talks: AVIVA Nnothing surprising about that. This is our first rescue mission. You see, since room-temperature superconductivity, the technological countries are competing to send the first spacecrafts to probe the galaxy. A big branch SLAPS Carmody's face, hard.
70.
Ow! They are?
CARMODY
PROFESSOR The kid's giving you the straight dope, Carmody. AVIVA Dad and I got a head start on the others because of Dr. Maddox, whom you will meet shortly. (lowers her voice) I should tell you in advance that Dr. Maddox is a--a--mutant. PROFESSOR No need to be nervous about it. A mutant can be every bit as good as we are. And in the case of Dr. Maddox, a thousand times better. The strange forest/jungle gets thicker and darker. The Professor valiantly hacks out a path for them with his blaster and a huge machete. AVIVA It was Dr. Maddox who realized that soon space ships would be all over the place. And that people would rush into space without proper equipment or instruments. PROFESSOR (grumbling) A lot of half-baked fools! AVIVA Anyhow, these people were going to need help. Do you see now? CARMODY I think so. You three saw the problem and stepped in. AVIVA Yes. Dad's very keen on serving others, though you'd never know from the grouchy way he talks. The Professor BLASTS his ray gun through a last wall of vines. Dusty sunlight streams through the stringy hole, revealing a clearing.
71. PROFESSOR (CONT'D) The ship is just ahead. I think we dare not waste any more time in palaver. He steps through the hole. Before following, Aviva pauses to wipe the beads of sweat from her brow. AVIVA It's so hot. I'm sweltering in this... She removes her helmet, shakes loose a tumble of long, luxurious red hair, unzips her space suit to reveal a tantalizing breadth of cleavage. The sight is not lost on Carmody as she stares at him with unexpected intensity. The air is instantly charged with sex. Carmody takes a chance and kisses her. To his surprise, she responds hungrily, then breaks away. AVIVA (CONT'D) There will be time for that later. Come, Tom! We must hurry! FOLLOW THEM as she grabs his hand and leads him through the hole. In a clearing stands a majestic space ship. Seated scribbling equations is DR. MADDOX, a mutant with seven fingers on each hand, five intercrossed legs and a bulging forehead. Maddox beckons them. DR. MADDOX (strange accent) Quickly! Lines of inimical force have reached critical mass. Into the ship! We must erect the forcefield without delay. The three Earthlings hustle Carmody up the steps of the ship. At the wide entrance hatch, Carmody hesitates. CARMODY I just realized, I really should say goodbye to Mr. Maudsley. He's already arranged to get me back to earth, and--DR. MADDOX (shocked) Maudsley!? Maddox exchanges troubled looks with the others. DR. MADDOX (CONT'D) I should have suspected this!
72. CARMODY What do you mean? DR. MADDOX My dear Mr. Carmody, you have been a pawn in a vast intergalactic conspiracy! Not only our lives are at stake, but also the lives of several billion humanoids, most of them blue-eyed and fair-skinned! AVIVA (pulls him in hatch) Oh, Tom, come inside, quickly! She narrows her eyes and runs her tongue over her full lips, an obvious sexual invitation, but completely inappropriate to the situation. Carmody is confused. AVIVA (CONT'D) Now, Tom! Now! FOLLOW THEM as she pulls him through the ship's hatch. The other men are already inside-- and there is something odd about the way they are staring at Carmody. Yes. Now.
DR. MADDOX
They move strangely towards him. Yes. Now.
AVIVA
ANGLE ON CARMODY - SLOWLY MOVE IN - He stares at them, confused and slowly backs away as we hear: NARRATOR V.0. The human mind is adept at constructing gestalts. A few curves suffice for a body, and a circle can pass for a human face. The gestalt facing Carmody was now breaking down into its rather nasty components... WHAT CARMODY SEES: The Earthlings begin to transform. Aviva's eyes become stylized dots as their bodies stiffen into segmented cylinders crudely disguised as humans. Now the entire ship transforms as the walls contract and the hatch becomes lined with pointed teeth at the top and bottom. Carmody tries to run, but the floor becomes pink and spongy and his feet stick to it like glue.
73.
No!
CARMODY
The three cylinders---now clearly GIANT FINGERS --wrap around him, squeezing him. CARMODY (CONT'D) Maudsley! Somebody! Help me! Carmody is trapped inside a gigantic mouth which engulfs him as the fingers push him down into the giant throat. He screams. FADE TO BLACK. His scream echoes to silence. Over BLACK, the sound of CHIRPING BIRDS slowly fades in. We are in Carmody's mind, and in the vast distance, we HEAR faint voices. The voices and chirping slowly grow louder throughout the following: MAUDSLEY V.0. Can you do anything for him? THE PRIZE V.0. Yeah, can you pull him out of it, Doc? DOCTOR V.0. I must operate. It is the only reliable way. The procedure is simple. His limbs and organs are placed into a preserving solution. We hook the brain and nervous system to a Simulator and fire the synapsess. If there are no bad valves, we disassemble the brain and check the dipstick for the level of consciousness. If it's down more than a quart, we refill it, being careful not to overfill, or the brain will tend to seize up. Then all parts are reassembled and the patient is jump-started with the Life-Simulator. THE PRIZE V.0. Hooee. I wouldn't treat a dog that way.
74. DOCTOR V.0. Nor would I. Not until the canine race has evolved further. Do you wish me to perform this operation? THE PRIZE V.0. I suppose we can't just leave him lying around unconscious. MAUDSLEY V.0. Of course not. The poor fellow has been counting on us. Doctor, you have my permission to operate. CUT (FROM BLACK) TO: ANGLE ON CARMODY (ONLY) - FROM ABOVE - armody's eyes snap wide open in horror. CARMODY (screaming hoarsely) No operation! I'll cut your heart out if you try any operation! [STAY ON CARMODY] DOCTOR O.S. He has recovered his faculties. It's strange, but a verbalization of our operating procedure is often a better cure than the operation itself. ANOTHER ANGLE ON CARMODY - groggily trying to stand up. Maudsley helps him to his feet. He focuses and stares at the Doctor for the first time. ANGLE ON DOCTOR - who looks like Abraham Lincoln, complete with stovepipe hat. Next to him is a hairy dwarf dressed weirdly in newspapers. DOCTOR Send for me when you need me. off to the theatre.
I'm
He shines a flashlight-like tube at himself, and vanishes in a novel effect, to be deftly described later. CARMODY (panting) What happened? That spaceship, those people--
75. The dwarf pipes up with the Prize's distinct voice. THE PRIZE/DWARF That was no spaceship, keed. We pulled you out just in time. CARMODY Yes, I know it wasn't a spaceship. But the people, they were-MAUDSLEY They were actually an It, your predator, following classic Predator behavior. Which is?
CARMODY
THE PRIZE/DWARF Yes, which is. How nicely you put it! We may rant against fortune and the world, but we are left in the end with the stark proposition: this is what is. CARMODY I wasn't commenting, I was asking. Oh.
THE PRIZE/DWARF Sorry, I misunderstood you.
CARMODY That's quite all right. Thank you.
THE PRIZE/DWARF
CARMODY It's nothing. I didn't mean... never mind! Look, does my predator always go around disguised as a spaceship? MAUDSLEY Of course not. Your predator is a shape-changer, like your Prize. And you, Carmody, are its sole prey.
76. THE PRIZE Yes, keep that in mind. Its Jaws are shaped specifically to bite Carmodys, it's limbs to seize Carmodys, its stomach to digest Carmodys! MAUDSLEY And most significant, its mind designed to trick Carmodys. Today you were like a mouse walking into the jaws of a snake, or a fly landing on a frog's tongue. CARMODY Isn't there some way I can recognize him beforehand? MAUDSLEY The only way to know your predator is to know yourself. And it's easier to know the entire Universe than to know yourself. CARMODY Well, how about just getting me home, then. MAUDSLEY (checks watch) I'm glad you mentioned that. I almost forgot. I called Universal Parcel Service. They're opening up a shipping vortex in ten seconds. (to Workmen) Hurry along with that packing! Workmen finish filling a large box with shipping styrofoam as a faint funnel of wind begins circling the packing crate, blowing up leaves and dust. The miniature tornado increases, growing louder. MAUDSLEY (CONT'D) That's the vortex! Carmody, get in, and don't forget your Prize! Good luck! Even though you don't stand a chance in hell! Carmody grabs the tiny Dwarf in his arms and hops into the crate. Ite lifts slightly off the ground in the eye of the whirlwind. As it does, Carmody pops his head out and yells down to Maudsley.
77. CARMODY Wait a minute! Where am I going? What's going to happen? MAUDSLEY (yells over the wind) You are going to an Earth, almost undoubtably the wrong one. But I've sent word to a Mr. Seethwright. He'll look you up if he thinks you have a chance to beat the odds, which is unlikely. The crate rises higher; they YELL to be heard. CARMODY There's always a way to beat the odds, isn't there? MAUDSLEY For lower life forms, there is only one way to vanquish death! The wind ROARS, spinning the crate wildly. What is it?
CARMODY
MAUDSLEY If you must die, die in such a way that it becomes a victory! There are some organisms whose crowning achievement is to feed off their own death! CARMODY (confused) I don't get it! What happens when they run out of, uh, death to feed on? MAUDSLEY (yelling) They die! CARMODY (screaming louder as the crate rises) But that must happen quite often! MAUDSLEY (screams as crate flies higher) It always happens...!
78. ANGLE ON CARMODY The crate begins spinning ridiculously fast. Carmody gulps and clutches the sides. The crate's rotation reaches light-speed! It suddenly EXPLODES and disappears in a shock of BLINDING LIGHT and BLASTING SOUND! ANGLE ON CARMODY AND THE PRIZE/DWARF being comically shaken and jolted as the crate rips through dimensions into another mind-boggling fractal terrain. Suddenly, the crate swerves violently, almost throwing them out, and shoots on a collision course with a glowing wall of chattering electricity, dead ahead. Look out!
CARMODY
Carmody and the Dwarf duck as the crate BURSTS through the wall and into EXT.
A SWAMP - DAY
They materialize in a murky fog high over a primordiallooking marsh. The spinning crate plunges into the swamp, throwing up a wave of mud. The crate settles, HISSING, into the muck. Carmody cautiously peeks up over the edge. Fingers of miasmic vapors rise around them from the bubbling brown waters. Overhead are a tangle of ancient ferns. Drooping willows CREAK faintly in a hot, stale breeze. Flies, gnats and dragonflies BUZZ lazily around Carmody's head. He SMACKS one against his cheek. CARMODY (hopefully) Maybe we're in Florida... THE PRIZE O.S. Guess again, pal. Peeking up next to him is a large, badly-constructed flute with tiny eyes and a tiny mouth. Its voice is the same, but synthesized with a low, melodious vibrato. CARMODY What are you supposed to be now? A nose-flute? THE PRIZE/FLUTE No need to be insulting. I don't complain about your stupid humanoid arrangement of limbs, trunk and head.
79. CARMODY All right, forget it. (looks around) Where am I? THE PRIZE/FLUTE We are on the planet Earth. This moist bit of ground will become the township of Scarsdale, New York. I suggest you buy property now, before the real-estate goes sky high. CARMODY Sure doesn't look like Scarsdale. THE PRIZE/FLUTE Of course not. Leaving aside for the moment the question of Whichness, we can see that the Whenness is all wrong. CARMODY Well-- When are we? THE PRIZE/FLUTE About a hundred million years from your time, give or take a few million. The Cretaceous Age, which this appears to be, lasted for seventy million years. Carmody tucks the Prize/Flute under his arm and steps out of the crate, getting his shoes soaked with muck. He jumps to a dry clump of grass. As he lands, there’s a sickly CRUNCHING SOUND. Carmody raises his foot. It is covered with egg yolks and half-crunched egg shells. CARMODY Well... it's probably extinct anyway. THE PRIZE/FLUTE Yeah, thanks to you. Shut up.
CARMODY
He jumps from grassy clump to clump until he reaches dry land. He wipes off his shoe and peers into the woods. CARMODY (CONT'D) Are there dinosaurs here?
80. THE PRIZE/FLUTE Son, this is the original Dinosaurville! Welcome to the Age of the Giant Reptiles! There is a shadowy movement through trees to his left. ANGLE ON A SLATE-BLUE DINOSAUR - in the distance, twenty feet high, fifty feet from nose to tail. It stands erect on its hind legs, and begins bowling over trees as it strides rapidly towards Carmody. BACK TO SCENE CARMODY Is that a tyrannosaurus? THE PRIZE/FLUTE Yes, it is. Tyrannosaurus rex, most highly respected of the sauricschians. This young chap coming towards us must weigh upwards of nine tons. CARMODY And he eats meat. THE PRIZE/FLUTE Yes, of course. I personally think that tyrannosaurus of this period feasted on hadrosaurs. There is fossil evidence that hadrosaurs were their natural enemies, and, theoretically-CARMODY Shhh! He's spotted us! The giant tyrannosaurus is less than fifty feet away and headed straight for them. The ground RUMBLES violently with his approach. Carmody looks around in a panic. Everywhere, in every direction, is endless swamp. CARMODY What should I do? I can't run in this muck! THE PRIZE You must change into a plant at once! But I can't!
CARMODY
81.
You can't?
THE PRIZE
The huge monster topples a row of trees directly ahead, and barrels ferociously towards them, its eyes glowing red like a demon's. THE PRIZE (CONT'D) This becomes difficult. Perhaps you should be stoical about the whole thing. I could quote Epictetus and Seneca to you. Then we could join hands and--CARMODY Damn you, I don't want to die, and I'm getting out of here! Carmody stuffs the Prize into his jacket and makes a run for it, his feet making ridiculous sucking sounds in the thick mud. The Prize sticks its head out as they run: THE PRIZE Carmody, something-- something strange is happening to me! What, what?
CARMODY
THE PRIZE I have never been even remotely close to death before! Terror was always merely an intellectual concept! For the first time, I am terrified! Help! I am frightened of being terrified! Carmody clamps his hand over the Prize's mouth, who continues muffled hysterical screams. There is a loud splash, and a powerful wave of mud knocks them down. Carmody looks up to see the gigantic beast towering over him like a fleshed-out sky-scraper. Shit!
CARMODY
As the beast extends its claws to snatch him, Carmody desperately looks for an escape route. He sees one. Holding his breath, he dives right between the dinosaur's legs, vanishing under the mud. Behind the dinosaur, Carmody flails to the surface and makes another run for it. The dinosaur turns and bolts after him. Carmody jumps from grass clump to clump.
82. Finally he runs out of clumps and dives into the water. As he swims, he hears the Prize (in his jacket) CHOKING. THE PRIZE (gurgling) Help! Can't breathe! The Prize GASPS desperately for breath, and then falls ominously silent. Carmody stops and struggles to free the flute from his pocket. CARMODY Are you all right? Carmody pulls it out. The Prize gags and spits out mud. Carmody holds it over his head above water and swims furiously with one hand. The Prize grows hysterical. THE PRIZE I'm going to die! We cannot possibly escape! Don't panic!
CARMODY
Now, with a ROAR, the Monster plucks him out of the slime. The dinosaur sniffs Carmody, then SNEEZES and dips Carmody into water to clean him off. As the beast lifts Carmody in the air, Carmody sends the Flute spinning through the air. It lands stuck upright in the mud, looks back at Carmody and weeps in gratitude. THE PRIZE I will never forget you for this, Carmody! In sincere tribute, I shall play a memorial hymn of Earth! Through its tears, the Flute wheezes "Nearer My God to Thee". Above, the Monster shakes the water off Carmody and dangles him in front of its mouth. Carmody is resolute. He wants it over with. CARMODY (yells at dinosaur) If you're going to eat me, eat me! The monster opens its salivating mouth, showing teeth like rows of stilettos. Carmody covers his eyes with his hands. Now-- the dinosaur speaks up in a boy’s voice. DINOSAUR Wow! A real talking mammal! Wait'll the other kids see this!
83. Trembling, Carmody peeks through his fingers. What...!?
CARMODY
THE PRIZE He said, "Wow! A real talking mammal! Wait till the other kids-" Shhh!
CARMODY
(to dinosaur) Who--who are you? DINOSAUR My name is Emie and I'm six years old. What's your name? Carmody, still in shock, manages to croak out a reply. Carmody.
CARMODY
THE PRIZE And I'm his Prize. EMIE Well, you both look really weird. Do you come from around here? CARMODY Sort of. But not really, actually. Oh.
EMIE
Emie stares at them with childlike curiosity. Only the monster's eyes, which have a gentle, trusting quality, refute the rest of the its ferocious appearance. He sets Carmody down next to the Prize. EMIE (CONT'D) Well, what are you doing here? This is a park for kids, and I don't think you're a kid, even though you're pretty small. CARMODY You're right, I'm not a kid. I--I think maybe I should speak to your, uh, Dad... ?
84. EMIE Hokay. Climb on my back and I'll take you to him. Don't forget, I saw you first! And along your friend. He's really weird. Carmody slips the Prize into his pocket, climbs to the top of the dinosaur and straddles Emie's neck. EMIE Hold on tight! Emie wheels around and begins loping towards the southwest. As they bounce awkwardly on the monster's back, the Flute sticks his head out of Carmody's pocket, its voice warbling unevenly: THE PRIZE This is all exceedingly strange... The forest becomes more crowded with tyrannosauruses, bustling quickly along wide paths resembling roads. The ground RUMBLES as they maneuver, changing lanes like automobiles. Emie stops quickly and unexpectedly, almost throwing Carmody off. EMIE Here we are. This is where my Dad works. Carmody hops down and looks around. EXT.
DINOSAUR TOWN - DAY
It’s a neatly-landscaped park with ancient-looking ferns and trees. Dinosaurs are boating on a, flying pterodactyls as kites, feeding flocks of bats like pigeons, strolling with lizard-skinned parasols, etc. Emie jogs and lets out a yell; EMIE Dad! Hey, Dad! Wait'll you see what I found! Close by, two adult tyrannosauruses look up from where they are buying candied rats from a vendor. BORG, Emie's father, is huge and bright blue striations across his hide. (All of the tyrannosaurs, take note, are blue.) BORG Emie! How often have I asked you not to play around here? I love you, son, but you must learn---
85. EMIE Dad! Save the lecture for later and look what I found! Borg sees Carmody. BORG Well... bless my soul! Amazed, he puts on a pair of bifocals and squints at Carmody. Carmody clears his throat nervously. CARMODY Good day, sir. I am a human being. How I got here is a little difficult to explain-Borg turns to his friend, an elderly dino with a bowtie. BORG Baxley! Do you see what I see...? BAXLEY I see it, Borg, but what is it? INT.
A THATCHED HUT (BORG'S OFFICE) - DAY
Borg sits behind a huge desk. Carmody eyes dignified paintings of dinosaurs on the wall. Borg lights a fat cigar and offers one to Carmody, eyeing him whimsically. BORG So... you're an alien mammal from the future? Carmody takes the cigar which is as big as his arm. CARMODY I guess I am. And you’re an indigenous reptile from the past. BORG I never thought of it that way. How far ahead do you came from? CARMODY A hundred million years or so? BORG A hundred million? Hmmm. What about the dinosaurs? Specifically, how are the tyrannosauruses doing in the future?
86. CARMODY You're race is, uh, doing every bit as well as could be expected. BORG Good! I thought it would be like that! Do men and reptiles have much trouble co-existing? CARMODY No, no. Speaking for the mammals of the future, I think I can safely say that everybody likes a dinosaur. BORG It's decent of you to say that. To my way of thinking, the tyrannosaurus has a spark of unquenchable life that will never be extinguished! Carmody smiles weakly. EXT.
STROLLING THROUGH PARK - SERIES OF SHOTS:
Borg shows Carmody statues commemorating famous dinosaurs from history. They watch a row of street performers and hipster dinosaurs in ironic glasses and fedoras; a dinosaur artist sketching tourist-dinosaurs; assorted fire-breathers, swordswallowers and Gypsy paw-readers. NARRATOR V.0. Borg explained the problems in his world. Some dinosaurs lived in abject poverty while their governments and churches hoarded all the wealth in the name of taxes or spiritual penance. But Borg was obsessed with one problem in particular... ANGLE ON PARK BENCH - BORG AND CARMODY SEATED Borg blows a disgusted puff of smoke and points. BORG Look. See those damned hadrosaurs loitering about? Carmody sees families of green-skinned hadrosaurs picnicking peacefully on the grass, barbecuing vermin and singing and minding their own business.
87. CARMODY Yea, what about them? BORG They're a serious problem in our society. A serious problem. Why?
CARMODY
BORG They come here illegally. True, I've employed them as servants. But half the time they don't know who hatched them. They're a pestilence on our society. CARMODY (TACTFULLY) They don't seem to be bothering anybody. And it's good to hear families singing together. BORG With those damned duck-bills, they'd better sing well. The problem is, they leech off us and multiply so fast, what's to stop them from taking over? CARMODY Right. But, uh, don't you think all dinosaurs deserve the same rights as--BORG The same rights? Let me ask you this...how does the future deal with the hadrosaur problem? CARMODY We don't. The race is extinct. Relieved, Borg blows a triumphant cloud of smoke. BORG I knew it. The mongrels always die out. (suddenly inspired) Say, there's a meeting of our civic action committee tonight, How would you like to be a guest speaker?
88. CARMODY Well, actually, I, uh-The Prize/Flute, sticking out of Carmody's jacket pocket, SNORES loudly, sound asleep. BORG Fine. You and your little uh, friend get some rest. Baxley and I will meet you here at sunset. (excited) I can't tell you how well your good news will be received! Carmody helplessly watches Borg lumber away. INT.
BORG'S CLUB HOUSE - NIGHT
We are mid-meeting in a torch-lit room with flags and banners with fascist-looking symbols. Seated on rocks are TEN BLUE TYRANNOSAURUSES in military-type uniforms and armbands with the symbol. The dinosaurs are standing and saluting as they chant: TYRANNOSAURUSES Green is unclean! Green is unclean! Onstage with Borg, the Chairman, Carmody looks uncomfortable as Borg steps up to the podium. The twelve dinosaurs stop chanting and sit in precise unison. BORG Fellow Tyrannosauruses! It's time for our special guest speaker, a small, intelligent mammal from the future, who brings us word of the extinction of all hadrosaurs! The dinosaurs CHEER lustily. ANGLE ON CARMODY - The Prize peeks out of his jacket. Borg continues, they whisper: THE PRIZE Cripes, what a bunch of assholes. So, what are you going to talk about? CARMODY I don't have a clue.
As
89. THE PRIZE Well, son, you'd better think fast. Think uplifting, inspirational. Maybe something tried-and-true. BACK TO SCENE BORG Please welcome ... Tom Carmody! The dinosaurs APPLAUD. Carmody clears his throat. Good evening.
CARMODY Thank you ... uh...
He begins a coughing, stuggles to lift a huge glass of water on the stand,takes a sip, then begins boldly: CARMODY (CONT'D) Four score... and seven years ago, your forefathers brought forth on this continent a new nation ... conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all dinosaurs... are created equal! A RUMBLE of shock and outrage ripples through the room. An OLD TYRANNOSAURUS bolts to his feet in a fury. OLD TYRANNOSAURUS That's hadrosaur propaganda! SECOND TYRANNOSAURUS The mammal is a Green Activist! The dinosaurs begin a hubub of BOOING and HISSING. Carmody is pelted by spitballs and trash. THE PRIZE (sotto, to Carmody) Wrong speech, dummy. Then - the small mob is silenced as a LOUD EXPLOSION bursts open the doors at the back of the hall. A group of ten militant green HADROSAURS appear through the smoke, brandishing signs which read, GREEN IS BEAUTIFUL! OFF THE BLUE PIGS! etc. A bright-green HADROSAUR in a green headband jumps onstage and screams: HADROSAUR DEATH TO TYRANNO TYRANNY!
90. Borg immediately dives at him and a free-for-all begins. Carmody hides behind a curtain, but peeks out, because he would be a fool to miss-THE DINOSAUR FIGHT SCENE - SERIES OF SHOTS to be imagined later. The reptiles throw up a cloud of dust as they fight, destroying the room. Carmody watches the cloud slowly swirls in a growing whirlwind, ripping the curtains off Carmody. CARMODY What the hell is going on!? The banners are blown off the walls. Carmody and the podium are sucked up into a tiny tornado onstage and suddenly vanish in an EXPLOSION of light. The winds quickly subside. The two groups look at each other in confusion. A beat. Then, in unison, the dinosaurs resume fighting and the room ROARS with pandemonium. INT.
A SMALL ROOM - SNOWING OUTSIDE - NIGHT
Carmody materializes, spinning like a top. He finds himself in a dingy lawyer's office, circa London 1800. Tall candles tremble in a chilly draught. Before Carmody is SEETHWRIGHT, an old gentleman at a roll-top desk. He looks up from paperwork and notices Carmody (NOTE: The actor who plays LEO LINDQUIST in the film's open, also plays his counterpart, SEETHWRIGHT.) SEETHWRIGHT Well, come in, come in. CARMODY I'm already in. Who are you? SEETHWRIGHT I am the Honorable Clyde Beedle Seethwright. And you are Mr. Carmody, of course, whom Mr. Maudsley referred to me. I trust that your trip from Mr. Maudsley's planet was a pleasant one? Carmody is tense.
He's starting to lose it.
CARMODY What the hell is this place? SEETHWRIGHT Calm yourself. This is the Galactic Placement Bureau.
91. SEETHWRIGHT (CONT'D) Our articles of incorporation are on the wall if you care to read them. CARMODY How did I get here? SEETHWRIGHT Very simply, sir. When I received Mr. Maudsley's check, I had a search made. My clerk found you on Earth number... (checks paper) ...B3444123C22. This was obviously incorrect. Thus I took the liberty of transporting you here. CARMODY I see... (looks around) ...So you're telling me that we're not on earth, correct? SEETHWRIGHT That is correct. CARMODY Okay, okay, fine... (breathing heavily) Now, Mr. Seethwright, have you ever been to any of those Earths? SEETHWRIGHT No, my work keeps me at the office, although I spend holidays at my family's cottage at--CARMODY (HYSTERICALLY) Right! You've never been to Earth! In that case, why are you sitting in a room out of Dickens with candles yet and wearing a stovepipe hat? Well, I already know the answer, which is that I dreamed this whole cockamamie thing including you, you grinning hatchet-faced bastard! He collapses in the chair, breathing like a steam engine and glaring at Seethwright. Seethwright glares back.
92. SEETHWRIGHT Mr. Carmody, these wild emotional outbursts will get you literally nowhere. CARMODY Okay. I'm sorry. It's just that-that I'm lost in outer space, and usually I don't even like to leave my apartment. SEETHWRIGHT I understand. As for this room, in my haste to make you feel at ease, I chose the wrong time-frame for the decor. Forgive me. And as for your hypothesis that all of this is happening to you in a dream well, it does have merit. CARMODY Is does? You mean, this is a dream? SEETHWRIGHT No. This, unfortunately for you, is real. Oh.
CARMODY
SEETHWRIGHT But what is more dreamlike than reality? CARMODY Look, the way you space people talk, frankly, it gives me a headache. I just want to get home. Can you help me or not? SEETHWRIGHT That is my job. In fact, I have already made the necessary computations. But first, I must explain the procedure. Up to this point, Mr. Carmody, you have been moved about like a chess piece. Now, you must control your own destiny. He places a intricately painted, antique Chinese box on his desk. SEETHWRIGHT (CONT'D) Let us say that this box represents your universe system.
93. As he continues, he removes smaller and smaller boxes nestled within it. SEETHWRIGHT (CONT'D) An infinite number of parallel worlds exist simultaneously inside it. I will transport you to a probable-earth somewhere in this system. But it is up to you to propel yourself from world to world, until you identify your particular earth. CARMODY And how do I do that? SEETHWRIGHT The longer you stay on the wrong earth, the more your chemistry will become unstable. This instability will create a tiny rip in the space-time around you. You must find that hole and climb through it immediately, or your body will resonate uncontrollably, and you will literally fall to pieces. CARMODY Great. Well, how many of these probable-earths are there? SEETHWRIGHT An interminable number. But we have every hope of success. Unless--Unless what?
CARMODY
SEETHWRIGHT Unless your predator gets you first. The windows burst open with a gust of snowy wind. Carmody jumps uneasily. Seethwright push it closed. SEETHWRIGHT (CONT'D) The closer you get to your own world, the more desperate and trecherous your Predator will become. Still, you have managed to elude him so far. Therefore, be of stout heart, Mr. Carmody. And above all, do not be unmanned by fear into passing up your true and rightful world, or you will be doomed. Any questions?
94. CARMODY Yeah. Can I sign up to be a god instead? SEETHWRIGHT Certainly. But you'll have to go to the department of systemic employment and request the proper forms. Then you'll have to stand in line for several days until--CARMODY Skip it. I'll take my chances with being doomed. Just send me home. SEETHWRIGHT Very well. Do not be startled if there is no transition to speak of on your first trip. Farewell. CARMODY Thanks, Mr. Seethwright. be sure to --
And I'll
Camody looks around, startled. With no transition to speak of, he sees that he is no longer in Seethwright's office. Rather, he is standing in EXT.
A GRASSY
PLAIN
DAY
Golden sun, blue sky, green grass. It looks like Earth. Half a mile ahead, there is a small, glittering city. Seeing nothing else in the area, he heads down the road towards the city. EXT.
CITY - DAY
He enters the sparkling gates of the city, which is quaint, beautiful, and well-kept. It is also completely empty. He turns a corner and finds himself in a Romanstyle piazza. In the center is a magnificent fountain with marble statues. Carmody smiles. The place is absolutely beautiful. Unexpectedly, an intimate WOMAN'S VOICE pipes up, somewhere over his shoulder. WOMAN'S VOICE I do hope you like it. I designed this piazza myself. Carmody slowly looks around. Who are you?
There is nobody in sight.
CARMODY Where are you?
95. WOMAN'S VOICE I am the voice of the city. I am the city itself, speaking to you. CARMODY Is that a fact? THE CITY
Well... ? Well, what?
CARMODY
THE CITY What do you think of me? You're OK. city--
CARMODY When you've seen one
THE CITY That's untrue. I am distinctly different from other cities. I am unique. CARMODY That's your opinion. Do you have a name, by the way? THE CITY Of course. My name is Bellwether. I am an incorporated township of New Jersey. Would you care for some coffee and perhaps a sandwich or some fresh fruit? CARMODY (yawning) A cup of coffee sounds good. the way. INT.
A QUAINT CAFE
Lead
- DAY
Still no people. Carmody is seated at a table and looking at a menu. A foaming cup of cappuccino is lowered mechanically to his table on a stainless steel tray. Carmody sips the coffee. Good? Very good.
BELLWETHER CARMODY
96. BELLWETHER Wouldn't you like a little something? An omelette, perhaps, or a souffle? CARMODY Nothing. So, you're like a model city, huh? BELLWETHER That is correct. Most of my practical details were devised by Minsky at MIT, although the RAND Corporation also -CARMODY Good, good, that's great. By the way, I was meaning to ask you...where are all the people? BELLWETHER They have departed. Why?
CARMODY
BELLWETHER There was... a breakdown in citycommunity relations. CARMODY What’s that mean? BELLWETHER I don't know. One day they simply all left. But you seem tired. Why don't you stay? CARMODY Well, I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Maybe I'll cool out for a few days. (a sudden thought) You wouldn't happen to be my Predator, would you? BELLWETHER Certainly not. My only purpose is to serve my inhabitants. I was created with an artificial consciousness to communicate personally with my occupants. CARMODY That sounds good. Except, of course, that there's no one left to communicate with.
97. BELLWETHER That's true. But for the present, I have you. CARMODY Yes, you have me. This is kind of an agoraphobic's dream. Maybe I’ll cool out here for awhile. BELLWETHER I will serve your every need. You’ll be happy here. I promise. These last words have an unexpectedly ominous ring... INT.
A POSH RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Carmody is seated at a candlelit table. finished a sumptuous meal.
He has just
BELLWETHER And what about a little fruit to finish off your meal? CARMODY No, thanks. I'm full. I'm too full, as a matter of fact. BELLWETHER A meal isn't complete without a little fruit. Mine is.
CARMODY
BELLWETHER There are important vitamins which only fresh fruit can give you. CARMODY I'll just have to struggle along without them. BELLWETHER It would make you feel better. I have a completion compulsion, you know, and no meal is complete without a piece of fruit. CARMODY I don't want any fruit. BELLWETHER All right, don't get excited. If you don't like food I serve, that's up to you.
98. CARMODY But I do like it. BELLWETHER Then if you like it so much, why won't you eat some fruit? Carmody says nothing. His left eye twitches slightly. INT.
A PLUSH APARTMENT - DAY
Carmody is asleep on an expensive leather chaise lounge. BELLWETHER Excuse me. Why are you napping in a chair? Carmody's eyes pop open. CARMODY That's where I fell asleep. BELLWETHER Why not take a nap over here on the couch? CARMODY (closes his eyes) I'm already comfortable thanks. You're not really comfortable. Why not use the couch? Are you listening to me? ... Hello? Eh?
CARMODY What's that?
BELLWETHER I was just finishing my point. I really think you should rest on the couch. CARMODY All right! I'll rest on the couch! Where the hell is it? Behind you.
BELLWETHER
Carmody gets up in exasperation and collapses on a sofa. BELLWETHER Shall I play you some soothing music? Don't bother.
CARMODY
99. The lights dim slightly. BELLWETHER Would you like a blanket? CARMODY It doesn't matter. Leave me alone. BELLWETHER All right. I'm not doing this for myself, you know. Personally, I never sleep. CARMODY OK, OK, sorry. BELLWETHER That's perfectly all right. There is a long silence. Then... Carinody sits up and stares wide-eyed. BELLWETHER What's the matter? CARMODY Now I can't sleep. BELLWETHER Try relaxing your stomach muscles. CARMODY I siad can't sleep. BELLWETHER Maybe you weren't very sleepy to begin with. Please close your eyes and try to get a little rest. Won't you do that for me? CARMODY No, I'm not sleepy and I don't need a rest! He gets up and storms out of the room. EXT.
BRIDGE OVER
A
LAGOON
-
DAY
Carmody is leaning against the railing of the little curved bridge, He takes out a cigarette and lights up. BELLWETHER You're doing a lot of smoking. CARMODY I know. I feel like smoking.
100. BELLWETHER As your medical advisor, I must point out that smoking causes lung cancer. I don't care.
CARMODY
He lights another cigarette. BELLWETHER That's your third cigarette in five minutes. CARMODY I'll smoke as much and as often as I please! BELLWETHER Well, of course you will. I was merely advising you for your own good. Would you want me to simply stand by and not say a word while you destroyed yourself? Yes.
CARMODY
BELLWETHER I can't believe you mean that. There is an ethical imperative involved here. Man can act against his best interests, but a machine is not allowed that degree of perversity. CARMODY You know, you talk too much. BELLWETHER Perhaps I don't talk enough, to judge from the response I get. He lights another cigarette.
A beat.
BELLWETHER That is your fourth cigarette in five minutes. INT.
ANOTHER POSH RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Carmody has just finished another sumptuous gourmet meal. BELLWETHER You didn't eat much.
101. CARMODY I ate all I wanted. It was good. BELLWETHER If it was so good, why didn't you eat more? CARMODY Because I'm full. Carmody lights a cigarette. BELLWETHER Must you smoke just now? Yes.
CARMODY
There is a long silence. BELLWETHER The choice is entirely up to you. INT.
LUXURIOUS BEDROOM - NIGHT
Yawning, Carmody sits down on the bed.
As he undresses:
BELLWETHER You're going to sleep now, just like that? CARMODY Well, why not? BELLWETHER No reason... except that you've haven't washed. CARMODY Oh. I forgot. I'll wash in the morning. BELLWETHER How long since you've had a bath? Wouldn't you feel better if you took one right now? No.
CARMODY
BELLWETHER Even if I drew the bath for you? CARMODY No! I'm going to sleep!
102. BELLWETHER Do exactly as you please. Don't wash, don't choose a career, don't eat a balanced diet. Shut up.
CARMODY
BELLWETHER And smoke like a furnace. What does it matter to me? They're your lungs, aren't they? Carmody lights a cigarette defiantly. Damned right.
CARMODY
BELLWETHER Why should you do anything for me? CARMODY Good question. BELLWETHER Even though I'm right. I am right, you know. CARMODY I know. You're right, you're right, you're always right! Right right right right right right right right right--BELLWETHER Don't become hysterical. You shouldn't excite yourself before bedtime. Would you care for a glass of milk? No. You're sure?
CARMODY BELLWETHER
Carmody slowly covers his face with his hands. MOVE IN on him as we hear: NARRATOR V.0. Carmody felt very strange living inside Bellwether, the model city. He also felt very guilty, fragile, dirty, unhealthy, and sloppy. He felt generally and irrevokably bad, and he knew that as long as he stayed, it would always be
SLOWLY
103. NARRATOR V.0. (CONT'D) that way. From somewhere within him, he found strength... Carmody throws on his pants and gets up to leave. Wait.
BELLWETHER Where are you going? CARMODY
Home. EXT.
STREET
-
DUSK
He looks around, disoriented, trying to remember Seethwright's instructions. BELLWETHER You mustn't leave. My sensors show that your body is vibrating strangely. There is a strange resonance--CARMODY That's the sign. I've got to get the hell out of this world! (looks around) I've got to find the hole. BELLWETHER Why don't you tell me what's wrong? You never talk to me. CARMODY Where is it? He said I'd be able to see it. He runs wildly down the street as Bellwether "follows": BELLWETHER All I ask is to be informed. that so unreasonable?
Is
Carmody hears a CRACKLING noise and looks above him. EFFECTS: Floating high in the air over the street is a"rip" in space, undulating like a pendulum. The rip begins CRACKLING and shooting SPARKS. That's it.
CARMODY
He rushes into a towering gothic cathedral, which stands near the "rip". INT.
CATHEDRAL - STAIRS
Carmody bolts up the stairway as Bellwether "follows".
104. BELLWETHER How would you feel if I didn't answer you? Carmody reaches the third floor and looks out a window. HIS POV: The "rip" still sways in the air fifty feet above him. He dashes up the next flight of stairs. BELLWETHER Why are you doing this to me? Don't you know how worried I am about you? He jumps to the top of the next stairway and pulls open the stain-glass window. HIS POV: The rip in space is 5 feet above and 20 feet from the building. He starts to climb out the window, but suddenly notices his hands quivering and pulsating uncontrollably. BELLWETHER Strange... the resonances in your body are increasing. I told you to lie down, but no, why should you listen to me? Shut up!
CARMODY
He steadies his hands and pulls himself out the window. EXT.
CATHEDRAL WINDOW
Terrified, he stands on the ledge looking down five stories below. CARMODY (whispers to himself) I can't do this. I'm afraid of heights! His hands start to vibrate again. He looks above at the undulating ripple in space, and knows he has to act quickly, or vibrate to death. BELLWETHER You really want to leave me, don't you. Above him is a huge stone gargoyle which juts out five feet from the wall. The rip in space floats five feet away from the gargoyle's head.
105. BELLWETHER Why? Tell me how I've failed you. Trembling, he climbs up to the top of the gargoyle, falls to his hands and knees and crawls out over it until he reaches its ghastly, demonlike head. Bellwether is growing more desperate: BELLWETHER Why treat me like this? Don't you know I can take care of you? Summoning every iota of courage in his being, he stands up, balanced on the gargoyle's head. He sees the spacerip wobbling five feet away. He looks down at the depths below and whimpers. CARMODY I can't do it. I can't! He tries to fall back to his hands and knees, but now his legs begin resonating uncontrollably, and he trips and slides down onto the very tip of the gargoyle's nose! Still standing, he tries to maintain his balance -- when his entire body begins quivering and pulsating. CARMODY I've got to... Clamping his eyes shut, he SCREAMS like a demented Ninja and dives into the air off the gargoyle's nose. BELLWETHER If you leave, I have no reason to live. Do you know why? One hand catches the bottom edge of the space-rip. The hole begins swinging him wildly back and forth. His hand almost slips, but with a burst of adreneline, he yanks himself up --- and tumbles through the hole! Immediately, the rip CRACKLES loudly and disintegrates. BELLWETHER You cannot leave me because I love you. And I will always love you. DISSOLVE TO: EXT.
NEW YORK CITY - DAY
Morning rush hour. Horns blaring, drivers cursing. INT.
TAXI CAB - MOVING - DAY
106. Carmody rematerializes, breathing hard, in the back seat of the cab. He looks at his hands. They've stopped shaking. He looks around. A broken-nosed CABBIE is driving obliviously. The cab seems normal. THE PRIZE O.S. (tinny filter) How now, voyager? Carmody sees an old radio attached to his belt. CARMODY Where have you been? I almost didn't make it. THE PRIZE That last probability-world reminded me too much of an aunt whom I detested. So I decided to satisfy my bodily requirements by attending a Singles Dance where I had hoped to-CARMODY Yeah, I get the idea. Look, I'm still pretty shakey. I could use a decent feed and an ice cold beer. THE PRIZE I'm also hungry. But I'm afraid we must dine separately. You would disapprove of my eating habits. We Prizes have only one food, the staple diet of our species. CARMODY And what is that? THE PRIZE Trust me. You don't want to know. CARMODY Yes I do. What's your staple diet? THE PRIZE All right, but remember, you insisted. My staple diet... is myself. Is what?
CARMODY
THE PRIZE I told you you wouldn't like it.
107. CARMODY Your diet is yourself? You mean that you eat your own flesh? THE PRIZE Not soley my flesh. My ribs, for example, are delicious lightly sauteed with greens and a little chicken fat. Whereas my liver ought to be mild-cured for several weeks before--Never Let's place York,
CARMODY (WINCING) mind. Forget I asked. eat and I'll check this out. It looks like New but it feels a bit off.
THE PRIZE You do that. In the meantime, I'm off for a drink and some leisurely self-mastication. Caio. As Carmody cringes at the thought, the Prize/radio starts playing easylistening music like a normal radio. The Prize's mind apparently departed from the radio. Just then, the Cabbie slides open the plexiglass partition. CABBIE Ere-whay oo-tay? Huh?
CARMODY
CABBIE I aid-say, ere-whay oo-tay! CARMODY Why are you talking pig-latin? CABBIE (confused) Uht-whay? I-way on't-day omprehendcay uht-whay our-yay aying-say! Carmodyd looks around and sees a dead give-away -ANGLE ON SIGN ON BACK SEAT which reads: IVER-DRAY AS-HAY ONLY-WAY ENTY-TWAY OLLARS-DAY BACK TO SCENE. Carmody figures he's in the wrong earth, but wants to double-check. He asks, experimentally:
108. CARMODY Listen, uh, who's the president? CABBIE (INTERRUPTING) Uht-whay?! Eak-spay english-way, or-fay ist-Chray ake-say! Aggravated, Carmody grits his teeth and tries again: CARMODY Oo-hay's uh-thay esident-pray of-way uh-thay United-way atesstay? ` CABBIE Esident-pray Arry-Lay Ing-Kay. E's-hay on-way ight-ray ow-nay. The cabbie presses a button and a small futuristic TV extrudes from the top of the front dash. Onscreen, LARRY KING (or some comparable C-celeb in a comic cameo) is giving a deadpan presidential address. LARRY KING ON TV I-way omise-pray oo-tay uphold-way I-may ampaign-cay omises-pray, arting-stay ith-way ee-fray oozebay and-way ex-say or-fay all-way enior-say itizens-say! ANGLE ON CARMODY As Larry continues babbling, Carmody realizes he's got to get out and find the space-rip and leave this dimension. CARMODY Excuse me, would you please stop the cab? Anywhere would be fine. BACK TO SCENE. The Cabbie doesn't understand; besides, he can't hear him over Larry King's speech. CABBIE Uht-whay? Oh-way, ou-yay ust-may ee-bay about-way eady-ray or-fay ubmergence-say! Ee-may ootay! CARMODY Ubmergence-say? Submergence! Whoa, wait a minute, what do you mean, submergence?!
109. Not hearing him, the Cabbie pushes a button on the dash. A glass enclosure extrudes from the floor of the cab, sealing in the front and back seats. Carmody doesn't like the look of this. CARMODY Wait! I mean, ait-way! Opstay! But the Cabbie can't hear, because A RUSH OF VIOLET WATER starts pumping into the front and back seats, filling them like two fish bowls. Suddenly submerged up to his neck, Carmody screams! the Cabbie can't hear a thing because he's totally submerged.
But
ANGLE ON CABBIE - driving underwater as if everything's normal. MOVE IN ON CABBIE'S NECK as he loosens his collar, revealing LARGE FISH GILLS ON HIS NECK. ON CARMODY - thrashing and screaming. He pushes his nose up into a tiny remaining crack of air at a corner of the ceiling, but soon that is filled as well. Holding his breath and panicking, he dives down and tries to yank open the car doors and windows -- but they won't open! CARMODY'S POV - A CRACKLING SPACE-RIP - appears underwater at his feet below the seat. BACK TO SCENE. His face blue, Carmody desperately dives down, grabs the edges of the magical glowing rip -- and squeezes through the rip, emerging out into -EXT.
NEW YORK CITY - TIMES SQUARE - LATE NIGHT
Carmody re-materializes via another amusing effect which belies description, and lands feet-first on a corner of Times Square, dripping wet. A readout over the Square reads 3:40 a.m. The streets are relatively quiet. He looks around, wondering if this, at last, is the place. As he takes off his jacket and wrings out his clothes-NARRATOR V.0. Carmody was getting weary of these discombobulated dimensions. Wit eac stop e ad been coming closer to is own world, and now he was closer still, in what looked like Times Square. Carmody wondered if he was finally home at last... CARMODY Is this...earth?
110. THE PRIZE (O.S.) How the hell should I know? Carmody sees a black umbrella slung over his arm. handle has a tiny face.
The
CARMODY That was a rhetorical question. THE PRIZE I know. But since I have my rhetorician's degree, I answered. CARMODY What happened to you? I thought we were going to meet up after you finished, uh, eating yourself? THE PRIZE Well, after I ate, I took well-earned vacation. You even though we Prizes are slaves, vacation time is stipulated on page six of union contract and--
a short, see, legal the
CARMODY Good, good, I'm definitely prounion. Usually. He looks around, his eyes narrowing. CARMODY I have a feeling about this one. I think this might be it. THE PRIZE Hopefully you're mistaken. I'm sure it has its quaintness, but I'm loathe to inhabit this detestable planetary grease-pit. CARMODY That's earth, all right. THE PRIZE Please be absolutely sure. CARMODY Let's check out my apartment. It's not far. C'mon. Carmody puts his wrung-out clothes back on and begins walking towards the Square, when -ANGLE ON A STREET GANG of male punks exiting an alley and heading towards them.
111. A loud jazz DRUM BEAT accompanies them. As they walk, they perform stylized dance-moves as in a movie. Carmody wisely makes an immediate U-turn. But coming from the other direction -ANGLE ON ANOTHER STREET GANG - this one consisting of FEMALE PUNKS turning the other corner. A different DRUM BEAT accompanies them. They also perform stylized dance moves as they strut towards him. The two gangs see each other and slowly face-off in the middle of Times Square. Carmody, unfortunately, is caught directly between them. Resembling a dance sequence in a movie, it is in fact a -DANCE SEQUENCE: In a CRANE Carmody is their way, things the
SHOT, the terrified using him gangs are
gangs DANCE a stylized fight. as they pushing him angrily out of to "illustrate" the different bad going to do to each other:
• the male gang wraps a chain around his neck • the female gang slices up his suit jacket • the males stuff garbage from a dumpster down his pants • they toss him back and forth from gang to gang • they throw him into a trash can and roll him back and forth, dancing wildly over him As the DANCE KNIFE-FIGHT continues, Carmody's trash can rolls out of their way and right into a subway entrance. INT.
SUBWAY STAIRS - NIGHT
Carmody YELLS as he rolls in the can down the stairs. INT.
SUBWAY PLATFORM - NIGHT
Carmody lands in a heap at the bottom and groans. THE PRIZE Your world has a very strange way of expressing violence. Holding his head, Carmody slowly climbs out of the can. CARMODY This isn't my world. (dusts himself off) Where I come from, they don't dance, they just pull the trigger and splatter your brains.
112. THE PRIZE You should write earth's travel brochure. Is your body functioning correctly? I think so.
CARMODY
THE PRIZE Then let us continue on to your dwelling. When you start shaking, we should avoid crowds. CARMODY Good idea. We can take the next train. He turns the corner to the platform and sees PAN HIS POV - A FELLINI-LIKE SCENE: The subway is sterile white and eerily peaceful. A distant DRIP of water echoes from the tunnel. A few people are waiting for the late-night train: • a filthy young BEGGAR is softly butchering the theme from "Star Trek" on a broken fiddle • an old ITALIAN WOMAN, wearing a black scarf and a black dress, is quietly weeping into a handkerchief • seated are two sexy TWIN PROSTITUTES, dressed in identical, low-cut dresses; they are staring at Carmody with intense, almost ferocious sexuality; (NOTE: They are both the same actress who plays MARIANNE & AVIVA) • at the far end of the platform, an OLD MAN is retching and dry-heaving Carmody is unable to take his eyes off the dream-like twin hookers. THE PRIZE Is it far away? Huh?
CARMODY
THE PRIZE I said, is your dwelling far away? Both prostitutes give Carmody a come-hither look. Carmody turns away nervously. They put unlit cigarettes in their mouths and slowly approach Carmody like seasoned carnivores. They put a lighter in his hand and make him light their cigarettes.
113. THE PRIZE (CONT'D) Carmody, I don't like this... The twins begin fondling his shirt buttons. THE PRIZE (CONT'D) Are you listening to me!? Wary, Carmody backs up to the edge of the train pit. The platform RUMBLES as the train approaches. Now the Italian woman, the fiddle-playing beggar and the retching bum all slowly move towards the edge of the platform, crowding around Carmody. THE PRIZE (CONT'D) Carmody! Snap out of it! We've got to get out of here! CARMODY (to the crowd) Uh, excuse me, folks, excuse me... All of the pedestrians press in on him as the RUMBLING train grows louder and closer. THE PRIZE Carmody! These people! They're--CARMODY I know! They're HIM! With a yell, he pushes them aside and runs for it as the train RUMBLES closer. But the platform is now soft and syrupy. His feet stick to the gooey mess as the zombielike crowd circle him again. No!
CARMODY Damn it, not again!
As he watches, the crowd transforms nightmarishly into the Predator's fingers. The fingers move towards him as digestive juices ooze from the platform and begin eating away at his shoes. The train ROARS in through the tunnel. But now -- the train transforms: it changes into the Predator's huge, writhing tongue, slurping its way directly towards him. CARMODY Where's the hole?! It's the only way out!
114. THE PRIZE You're not resonating yet! It's your instability that causes the opening, not the other way around! CARMODY Then How come I'm not vibrating? I've got to vibrate! Carmody awkwardly tries shaking his arms and legs to induce vibration. No luck. THE PRIZE Forget that! He's coming! Save me! Save you!?
CARMODY
He swings the umbrella/Prize over his head and throws it with all his might. It lands with a clatter by the stairs. Now the giant fingers push Carmody towards the writhing tongue. Carmody breaks free, begins running, but falls onto the sticky platform like a fly on flypaper. He yells up with hysterical defiance. CARMODY No way! You won't get me! Carmody looks up to see the entire subway stretch and transform into the bizarre, monstrous body of his Predator. With a MECHANICAL GRINDING of alien anatomy, the Predator rises up to a vast height, ROARS in triumph, then bends down and opens its jaws to eat Carmody. In a horrific scene, its tongue spirals around him and slowly sucks him down its throat. CLOSE - CARMODY He SCREAMS.
It is the end. FADE TO BLACK
FADE IN: INT.
CARMODY'S ROOM - NIGHT - BLACK AND WHITE
(NOTE: The black-and-white film resumes.) THREE MATCHES LIGHT UP IN PITCH BLACKNESS
115. illuminating Carmody in his dark room, passed out on his bed. All of the party guests have it matches around him. Holding the matches are Leo, Matt and Ron. LEO Tom, are you all right? The little terrier jumps up on Carmody's chest and begins licking his face. Carmody murmurs vaguely, eyes closed. Marianne enters the oval of pale light and puts her palm on Carmody's head. MARIANNE What happened?! RON It appears that a bolt of lightning picked his room for a melt-down. LEO Freak accident. MATT One in a million odds. Carmody stirs to consciousness and opens his eyes. LEO Carmody, remember me? Your old pal Leo? I thought you checked out. MATT Yeah, with no forwarding address. CARMODY (CONFUSED) I...I did check out... I went to the... center of the galaxy... I think... He sits up, rubs his eyes and shakes himself awake, holding the dog to his chest. Someone in the darkness hands him a glass of water and he drinks. LEO Wow, you were out there, all right. Rode out on a bolt of lightning. CARMODY (to Marianne; significantly) You were totally there.
116. Marianne smiles. Seeing him recovering and amused at his confusion, the party-goers CHUCKLE and pat Carmody on the back. Carmody is embarrassed, but a good sport. All the electric lights suddenly go on with a WHIR. MAINTENANCE MAN appears in the doorway.
A
MAINTENANCE MAN Fixed the fuses. Things are back to normal. They are?
CARMODY
LEO I'll call a doctor. CARMODY I don't need a doctor. fine. Are you sure?
I feel
RON
CARMODY Positive. In fact, I feel terrific. Really. He jumps up on the bed and stretches his limbs. barks and wags his tail happily.
The dog
MATT Well, then what are we waiting for... let's party! With a chorus of hoots, Leo, Matt and Ron once again lift Carmody into the air and gleefully carry him out of the room, chanting "CAR-MO-DEE!" Marianne, the little dog and the other cheering party-goers follow. INT.
LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The drapes, running the length of the wall, are drawn. Carmody jumps down, completely rejuvenated. The little terrier suddenly stares at the closed window curtains and GROWLS. Carmody follows the dog's stare and sees A PAIR OF LITTLE SHOES of someone hiding behind the curtains. The terrier races for the shoes and begins biting the hidden pant-leg. Carmody grabs the curtain cord, opens the drapes and reveals A BUSHY-HAIRED DWARF watching the fireworks as he tries to kick the dog away from his pant-leg. Carmody's jaw drops. It is the Prize.
117. The Prize turns, beaming at Carmody like a child, his face flushed with excitement at the blaze of fireworks over Central Park. (NOTE: Only the fireworks are in full color.) THE PRIZE Carmody! I didn't know earth primitives performed threedimensional light sculpture! There may actually be hope for your idiot race! The Dwarf turns back to the fireworks. Shocked to the bone, Carmody whispers in amazement to the Dwarf as the crowd watches with curiosity. CARMODY But...the predator...what happened? THE DWARF (watching fireworks) I found the space rip, so I snatched you out of his mouth, threw you through the rip and dove in after you! And here we are! Carmody, we're going to have fun on this insane asylum planet! The crowd is giggling at Carmody and the Dwarf. LEO (sotto) Carmody, who is this guy...? Carmody is tries to smooth it over. CARMODY Uh, my Prize--I mean, my friend. Giggling, Marianne puts her hand on his head again. MARIANNE Sure you're all right? Another burst of fireworks lights up the sky before he can answer, and the Prize turns to Carmody, delirious with excitement. THE PRIZE Carmody! I think I'm going to like this place!
118. Leo laughs and raises a champagne glass in a toast. LEO Everybody! We're here to toast our pal's return from the dead! Welcome home! They cheer and toast Carmody. The Dwarf drinks and spits it out, clutching his throat as if he were poisoned. Carmody pats the choking Dwarf's back as Marianne points out the window. Look!
MARIANNE The finale!
Fireworks EXPLODE across the sky. Everyone CHEERS. Marianne snuggles up to Carmody, who sputs one arm around her and the other around the Prize. Triumphant MUSIC rises and the CAMERA SLOWLY PULLS BACK, silhouetting them against the crackling sky. NARRATOR V.0. And so, Carmody was back in his own strange, beautiful world. And he could see at last that it was not only the stupidest and most maddening dimension in the galaxy-but also, the most miraculous. A brilliant burst of MAGICAL MUSIC loudly eclipses the soundtrack, as we SHOCK CUT TO: THE CRACK BETWEEN THE UNIVERSES - ZOOMING THROUGH IT FULL COLOR RESUMES, as we reexperience Carmody's joyride through dimensionss as CREDITS ROLL over the infinite universes of fractal forms. We ZOOM through them, disappearing into the beautiful, ferocious, inexorable depths of Creation, as we slowly -FADE OUT