Living an Itemized Life

- to - live - an - itemized - life

WORDS Meredith Stisser VISUALS Queenn Mckend There are few things that imbue me with as much satisfaction as the violent drag of a ballpoint pen across a to-do list. That sense of accomplishment is a high I chase every morning. I wake up and crawl from my bed to my dorm desk, and markup a yellow index card with:

-take vitamins -drink 1 hydroflask -stretch -get dressed -civil rights hw -call mom -apply for internships -go to roche bros.

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The visual of the completed list is divine. A metaphorical diploma, I graduated from this day, from these tasks, I escaped the perils of unproductivity yet again, ha! My personal subscription to capitalist demands for constant motion. These lists give me a sense of control, a feeling of feigned productivity in the simple act of creating them. At their core, they serve as one of the many distractions I feed myself to satiate the hunger to analyze the menial nature of any life, to protect the complete illusion that we have purpose and obligation. The list keeps me sane, I am a collection of lists of completed tasks, of secrets and passwords, of fears and goals. My lists allow a sense of self-curation. A solid sense that I would otherwise be denied. I carefully congregate all of the manifestations I pursue onto tidy 3x5 notecards, or on the corners of notebooks, the backs of napkins, perhaps cataloged in my secret Pages documents that I only open at 3 AM when I’m under the influence of love or other drugs. I build a home around myself. Walls of paper and scribbles and checkmarks. I keep lists of things I’m going to put in my apartment (when I get an apartment), lists of the kind of person I will allow myself to fall in love with, (as if that is healthy at all), a list of every place on Earth I want to see before I am buried inside of it. Some of my lists are unhealthy, lists of everything I’ve eaten on a given day to remind myself of my calorie count, lists of all of the things pressing on my anxieties. In a chilling way, the lists I make construct the person that I am. I best express the essence of myself when I offer you a peek into my obsession, my addiction to the perpetual incentives built into living an itemized life.

-the elevator of the walker building -explorateur (the relationship to ensue would be toxic but- anyway!) -reaching for the same tomato at an outdoor farmer’s market -in the seat behind me in a movie i go to see by myself -my best friend’s wedding -on a train to brussels -on a plane to oregon

places i expect to have a meet-cute

celebrities whose approval i crave -anna kendrick -rihanna -ilana glazer -anna marie tendler -maya rudolph -adam sandler -zooey deschanel -jaboukie young-white -eugene levy

best songs to scream sing

-you and i by lady gaga -if u seek amy by britney spears -rocketman by elton john -what’s up by 4 non blondes -tiny dancer by elton john -since you’ve been gone by kelly clarkson -you oughta know by alanis morissette -put your records on by corinne bailey rae -skinny love by bon iver (believe me) -before he cheats by carrie underwood -if it makes you happy by sheryl crow -i’m with you by avril lavigne

-drink a cherry vanilla coke -dye my hair orange -join a nudist community (if only for a day) -star in a theatrical production, get discovered, and live my fınal days a silver screen queen -tell everyone i have ever loved that i loved them

character tropes i would happily adopt -the cool aunt -the sitcom “friend in their own universe” -the heroine

character tropes i refuse to adopt -the lonely spinster -the housewife -the villain

things that scare me -when i look for excuses to drink -black holes -tidal waves -my parents getting divorced -tobacco induced head rushes -mitch mcconnell showing up at the end of my bed -arm implant birth control -losing -writing

28 best fruits to eat naked and let the juice drip

poems i will write -i don’t know the color of your eyes -this edible ain’t shit (a satire) -tide pools -to be kate dicamillo -the intricacies of a shadow box -a cool, yet to be titled, profoundly feminist one?

-mango -peach -orange -grapefruit

-gerolsteiner mineral water -bohemian barbecue hippeas -mangoes -mochi -menstrual cup (i accidentally melted the fırst one) -flowers -face mask

groceries

plants i have killed -aloe -parsley -every flower bouquet i’ve ever owned (but that’s normal)

plants i have kept alive -ivy -my hanging plant (i do not know the genus/species) -cactus

-crash -sweet home alabama -free solo -kill bill (all of them) -stepbrothers

movies i say i’ve seen but i have not

things i wish i did more often -read for pleasure -read at all -ice skate -sit quietly and think -see the sunrise -watch the sunset -cook

-danny phantom -sheen estevez -silvermist (the water fairy from pixie hollow) -ash ketchum -mewtwo (the pokemon) -larry the lobster -aladdin -prince zuko -robin hood (the fox version)

places i have cried -every math class i have ever taken -the university of new hampshire -the boston public library -my bed -their bed -times square

secrets im willing to tell

people i miss -krysten walker -my grandmother on my mother’s side -my grandfather on my father’s side -me, but me when i was 7 -the man who sold flavored vinegar at sowa -my second-grade teacher mrs. duhaime -the woman i sat next to on a plane from berlin who gave me crackers and lotion

mistakes i have made -that one guy from bu -not joining the marching band in high school -putting my crispy wave plant in direct sunlight -my eyebrows in 2013

things i will put in my apartment when i have one

-pile of books that appears unintentionally stacked but is very intentionally stacked -beaded curtain -lava lamp -1 scruffy cat -cher poster -french press (purely decorative) -large orange le creuset pot

places i would like to live -madison, connecticut -mystic, connecticut -camden, maine -inside the base of the willow tree -copenhagen, denmark -prague, czech republic -new york city *sigh*

reasons i’m afraid to fall in love -aren’t you supposed to be?

names for theoretical kids

-theia -bizzy -escher -louise -vera -oscar -claude -mia -maya -eloise -dante -ninette -leda -bo -bennett -brooks -poppy -lottie -bear (im serious) -julian -jude -wolfe (no really though)

things i do not want right now -kids -HPV

things i’ll probably have in the future -kids -HPV

hungover thoughts

- how do i start a day that i began at the wrong end of my bed with full ass jeans on -i’m doing great sweetie -someone should euthanize me -i do not remember one thing, i said, to one person, all night

clothing i need to collect -big cargo pants -long yellow gingham dress -tan knit pants -lavender lingerie

habits i need to kick -picking at my face -psychoanalyzing the people i love -instagram addiction -pining for the approval of an audience

my favorite little phrases -decidedly wobbly -hop on the back of my bike -emotional jumper cables (this refers to a hug!! how cute is that!?) -hypersexed phone obsessed -all destinations nothing underwater

animals i identify with -otters -pizza rat -raccoons -cats -fuzzy little pigs

-coffee -orange -2 sugar wafers -tomato soup

So now you have seen all of me. My mania for lists begins and ends nowhere. I see no reality in which I don’t exist between the lines of these bulleted pages. I am a collection of numbers and dashes and phrases and stars. My muscles are made up of scratched out accomplished items. My messy hair is the unfınished catalog of lifelong dreams I have yet to tame. I take inventory of the world around me and the world that I wish to construct through these lists. These lists can be isolating and maddening—and quite often are. They can abide by the neoliberal tendencies of a need for perpetual productivity, they can trap me. Yet, knowing they hold such power allows me to use them for the counter-effect. I can use them to free myself. They instill in me the sense of being ever unfınished. There is no end to what can roll off of my pen and onto 3x5 yellow index cards—my medium of choice. A list can be two items long, it can extend for decades. To live an itemized life is the choice of a mooncalf, inductive, and yet I do so, entirely without regret.

to do

-fınish this -absolutely everything else