It’s a Twin Thing

WORDS Erin Christie VISUALS Laura Hoppenbrouwers Torres

126

As my twin sister and I stood, arms linked, bodies draped with rented white robes and matching graduation caps, we posed for pictures on the front lawn outside our school, the ever-prestigious Sacred Heart

Academy. High school was done, and it was a moment when I should’ve felt relieved, even proud of myself, for making it through the past four years at a rigorous college preparatory, unscathed. At that moment, behind my grin, all I could think about was the fact that my sister had earned the title of “4.0 scholar” and I had just barely missed the cut-off. I felt ashamed. Having a twin is like having a built-in best friend, someone who is there for you throughout every step of your early life, both physically and emotionally. In many ways, it’s a wonderful thing and something that many people wish they could have for themselves. In other ways, it’s a living nightmare. Throughout much of my adolescence, the fact that I was a twin dominated my sense of self, my sense of self-worth, and often in a negative way— that’s the consequence of being a twin that isn’t as immediately obvious as sharing a face with another person.

Once I was old enough to realize that “twin telepathy” jabs and being thought of as just one of the “Christie twins” were affecting my sense of self-worth, everything else began to crumble. Was I nothing more than my sister’s sister? Did anyone even care enough to fıgure out which one is which?

As small tikes, the two of us looked so much alike that my mother would have to fınd ways to tell us apart: she would paint the nails of only one of us, intermittently (though, a problem was presented if she forgot which of us had painted versus unpainted nails). We would wear matching outfıts, as all twins seem to when they’re young, but maybe one of us

pigtails and the other, a ponytail. There were minute differences, but to most people, we were simply clones. I quickly got used to responding to the wrong fırst name. In the case of anyone’s coming-ofage, we form our identity based on our environment, our interactions with others, our likes and dislikes. Being a twin, that relationship is immediately cemented into your sense of self, making it almost impossible to develop any kind of independence in those early years. Psychologists have studied René

Zazzo’s “couple effect” in relation to adolescent twins and identity. 1 Zazzo’s main discoveries reveal the negative effects that living in a couple—in this case, as a twin—have on personality, and the roles and functions within said couple. He notes that identical twins are restrained in their self-identifıcation because they live for a long time as an echo of each other, otherwise called “mutual confusion.” This sense of confusion that results when individual identity formation is limited can lead to turmoil.

Sibling rivalry is a tale as old as time, and in the case of twins, it’s increased ten-fold— not only are you siblings, battling for your parents’ affection and validation, but you’re also in the same peer group and duking it out on academic, social, and extracurricular levels. “Since outsiders habitually relate to them as a unit or a fıxed dyad, [twins] expectedly have conflicts with their twin in an attempt to defıne or declare their individual selves,” says Joan A. Friedman, PhD, a self-proclaimed “twin expert” and psychologist. 2 Competition is a healthy way to enforce mutual growth, but not when it becomes a detriment. Internally, I had convinced myself that I couldn’t exist as an individual of equal importance if I couldn’t somehow rival my sister. I was afraid of falling to the wayside, and I felt the need to “prove” myself. Even writing about it now, it sounds ridiculous that I was so worked up internally over this imagined external pressure. Our parents never pitted us against each other—they never placed bets on which of us would succeed best, as if at the Kentucky Derby, placing a sum of money on the most prize-worthy steed— but there was still an inherent sense of competition, prompted directly by some paranoid insecurity that I couldn’t escape.

I soon became overwhelmed by this mental blockade. In an article from The Telegraph, 3 British mental health charity Young Minds warns that this constant sense of competition and comparison can have negative implications: “If you are a twin or a triplet, then there is this real fear and anxiety that you are going to be intrinsically compared to your [sibling].” As they say, this can lead to the development of anxiety, depression, and other mental strains. For me, this became a reality. I wanted so badly to be considered my own person, a person of value, that I made everything into a battle of the fıttest: Which of the two of us scored the most goals during any given lacrosse game? Who could run a mile faster in gym class? Who earned better scores on the SAT? Who received the most academic-based fınancial aid when we applied for colleges? Who spent more time in therapy? Though my sister eventually stopped going, I spent much of high school in and out of therapy sessions, grappling with my sense of inadequacy. Being a twin and facing issues with mental health doesn’t have a direct cause-correlation; in my case, though, the fact that I was a twin and had placed so much pressure on

m y s e l f didn’t make matters any easier. As we grew older, my sister and I developed separate interests, hobbies, styles, and friends. It became easier to tell the difference between the two of us, which helped. In the back of my head, though, I couldn’t shake the vice-like grip of my insecurities. That was, until I had the chance to exist on my own. When we went off to college—me to Emerson College in Boston, and her to Syracuse University in upstate New York—I immediately noticed change: most people didn’t know that there was another person with my exact DNA walking around, and that sense of comparison was no longer there. Freshman year, though a blur to me now, was a total reset. I had to learn how to exist without my sister as a crutch—I couldn’t look for her in the dining hall when I didn’t have someone to sit with; I didn’t see her walking down Boylston; I didn’t live two doors down from her anymore.

At fırst, it was jarring. I felt incomplete. Being a twin was so ingrained into how I perceived myself that without that part of my identity physically present, I didn’t know how to act; for many twins, I’m sure this is a shared experience. It

129

dawned on me: I had spent so much of my life existing as a part of a duo that it felt strange not to have my sister by my side, even if that constant presence had in part inspired some of my earliest adolescent angst. Once the shock subsided, I realized what an ideal opportunity this was: I had the chance to rebrand myself, to present myself as my own person for the fırst time since my debut into the world. Not to say that I was free—because, despite the challenges being a twin presented, I’m glad to have been able to have my sister by my side—but I was relieved to be able to exist in a narrative separate from my “twindom.” I was no longer considered inseparable from the fact that I was a twin. I didn’t have to worry about being called my sister’s name anymore.

Currently, whenever I mention that I have a twin, it’s a “cool fact” to bring up in passing as opposed to an infallible part of my personality. I now have the chance to change the narrative regarding my own sense of self;

I don’t have to be regarded as a twin anymore (if I don’t want to be). With that sense of freedom, I fınd my “twindom” as less of a burden, and more of a blessing—I wish I had been able to reach that point sooner.

Endnotes 1. Zazzo, R. (1976). The Twin Condition and the Couple Effects on Personality Development. Acta Geneticae Medicae Et Gemellologiae, 25(1), 343-352. doi:10.1017/S0001566000014409 2. Friedman, Joan A. “Adult Twins: Identity, Rivalry, and Intimacy.” Joan A. Friedman PhD, Twin Expert, Psychologist, and Author, 6 Feb. 2017, www.joanafriedmanphd.com/adult-twins-identity-rivalry-and-intimacy/. 3. Carr, Flora, and Harry Yorke. “Twins Driven to Anxiety and Depression Because Parents and Teachers Treat Them as ‘One Unit’, Mental Health Experts Claim.” The Telegraph, Telegraph Media Group, 2 Aug. 2017, www. telegraph.co.uk/education/2017/08/02/twins-driven-anxiety-depression-parents-teachers-treat-one-unit/.