Given-23 by Emma Caroline Thompson

GIVENâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;23

Emma Thompson

For my Family, the Diblings Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve found and the Diblings still out there

Contents Introduction 11

Given My Donor Profile 19 A Different Type of Backstory 25 My Donorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Voice 33

Found Who Am I? 45 How Many are Out There? 53 What Now? 75 Dear Donor 920, 85

Introduction

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other wings. Hodding Carter 11

e learn the basic story of where we come from around the same time we learn to read: “A boy and girl, sitting’ in tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage!” But it turns out that this basic story isn’t exactly universal. Sometimes two boys or two girls fall in love. Sometimes one girl decides to conceive a baby by choice without a partner; and sometimes when it’s a boy and girl in the tree, the expected baby never materializes, even after rounds of extensive, stressful fertility treatments. Thanks to advances in reproductive technologies, these versions of the story can lead to happy families for lots of hopeful parents. But someday, the baby out grows the carriage and begins to ask questions: Where do babies come from? Where did I come from? Do I have a Dad? Why do I not live with my Dad? Am I adopted? Why do I have blue eyes when you have brown eyes? I come from one of these new modern families. I am the offspring of a single mother and a sperm donor. My Mom had always wanted to have a family and to be a mother, but at 40 years old, with her biological clock ticking, she was still single. As an Ob-Gyn she delivered babies for countless families. All she knew was that she wanted to make her own family and have a child. I am that child. Because of the advances in medical knowledge and technology, there are well over a million children alive today who were successfully conceived with donor sperm. Since most donors are usually anonymous, this represents a significant number of children who will grow up with limited information about their family health history and ancestry, and with potentially no information about other children born from the same donor with the same paternal genetics, their siblings.

Where do babies come from? Where did I come from? Do I have a Dad? Why do I not live with my Dad? Am I adopted? Why do I have blue eyes when you have brown eyes?

This void of knowledge and the sense of “not knowing” can feel different at different stages of life. A young child may not show much curiosity about their half siblings or their donor, but a teen in the throes of identity formation may feel a need to know about their genetic relatives and their full parentage in order to better understand their adult self. A search for self is a common universal experience, and it may have extra resonance for those in donor families who have limited information concerning the paternal side of their self. The cultural icon and musical poet Bruce Springsteen best summarized the importance and need for self-discovery when he observed: “You can’t really know who you are and where you’re going unless you know where you came from.” A critical mass of donor-conceived children has now reached adulthood, and they are able and eager to articulate their unique set of identity issues and challenges. At times relationships within the world of donor conception are not always established with complete clarity within a family. This makes some angry that they grew up not knowing the truth about their origins. In fact no donor-conceived child has total certainty because of most donor’s anonymity. This leads to many struggling with the fact that they don’t have real time access to one half of their genetic and cultural lineage. Familiarity with their basic genetic heritage can be a steadying influence, one that most people take for granted. Just realizing something as simple as the way their mother’s eyes crinkle when she smiles reflected in their own facial expression is affirming. Or recognizing how their father has struggled with depression as they might be confronting. This could be comforting and helpful in their treatment. At the very least the donor’s anonymity leaves a perpetual curiosity full of unanswered questions. For most donor-conceived children their first knowledge of their paternal inheritance is through the chosen donor’s profile given to them by their parent or parents. Each donor has an identification number and their profile consists of handwritten answers to questions of essential demographic, medical, and some general personal preference information. Occasionally, the factual answers are editorialized which provides a peak into the donor’s character. In some cases, an audio taped interview is available of the sperm bank personnel asking the donor questions. This adds an additional layer of connectivity and personality to the donor. 14

By far the role of social media has been one of the most critical factors in the navigation of the donor-conceived communityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s journey of discovery. This past decadeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s explosion of social media, Facebook groups, and the desire for more connectivity and transparency opened up new avenues of finding and foraging crucial relationships for the donor-conceived group. By searching the Donor Sibling Registry website which seeks to make desired contact with those with whom they share genetic ties, connections were made between donor parents and between donor siblings. The advent of this social connectiveness, allowed people throughout the donor-conceived community to discover an extended biological family and find out more about themselves through their donor half siblings or diblings. Up to now our Facebook donor sibling group has identified 23 half siblings. Fortuitously this mirrors the exact number of chromosomes a child inherits from each parent to makeup the 46 chromosomes in the human genome. As they are given information and as they find their extended biological family, people throughout the donor-conceived community are opening up and talking about their experiences. They remind us that the end result of the overwhelming desire to have a baby is not just a baby; itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a human being, whose healthy development involves various phases of self-definition and endless questions. My book ends with a letter I have written to the donor sent through the sperm bank. It is full of questions whose answers are yet to be determined as the search goes on. Through things given and found this book is not just for donor-conceived children or their families but it is for every one of us on our own personal journey of self-discovery.

For many families a donor profile is the only information they receive about the donor. It provides the basic medical, physical, educational, and demographic specifics about the donor and their family. At the same time, it shows the donor’s handwriting which can be revealing, and it can offer a glimpse into the donor’s personality through his answers. Donor-conceived children thrive on these clues. It can help them gain a better understanding of what the donor is like and who they are. The following pages show my personal donor’s profile. I can’t remember how old I was when I first saw this profile, but it has always been a part of me. I have probably read it over a hundred times. Every time I reread it, I feel as though, I learn something new about my donor and myself.

A Different Type of Backstory

In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future. Alex Haley 25

hroughout history the involvement with donor conception has been a lifelong process of exploring the meaning of family and connections. This continues to be the case even in our current culture. Donor conception constantly challenges the century-old image of parenthood based on both marriage and biological connections. Earlier on, during the late 19th Century and for at least two thirds of the 20th Century, donor conception was shrouded in secrecy. It was primarily used when male infertility was suspected or known. In one of the first reported cases of donor conception in 1884, the woman was anesthetized and never knew her husband was not the biological father. This incidence was so stigmatized that the case wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even reported in a medical journal until a quarter of a century later. Throughout most of the 20th century, secrecy was so pervasive that patients were sent home after an insemination, strongly advised to forget anything had ever happened, and warned never to 27

Gradually beginning in the 1980s the sperm banks became more consumer oriented, and many banks began to provide more information, including physical descriptions, of their sperm donors.

tell anyone about their use of donor sperm. Choosing donor sperm was so contrary to how society thought a family should be built that some courts judged married women who had used donor sperm to be adulterers and decided that their children were illegitimate, even if the husband consented. The stigma and lack of transparency continued even when the first for profit sperm banks were started up in the early 1970’s. Up until the mid to late 1980’s the sperm banks would only sell to physicians, and patients often knew very little if anything about the donor. The primary patients, who were still only couples, were just supposed to be happy to get pregnant. The process continued to be hardly a model of transparency. Gradually beginning in the 1980s the sperm banks became more consumer oriented, and many banks began to provide more information, including physical descriptions, of their sperm donors. This opened up the process and gave consumers, rather than the doctors, some power to choose the sperm. 28

During the AIDS epidemic in the 1980’s, because bodily fluids contained the virus, added incentives for additional safety tests were introduced. These safety precautions helped to legitimize the process of artificial insemination with donor sperm even more. During the 1990s with the ascendency and success of reproductive endocrinology, infertile heterosexual couples, who had been the primary users of donor sperm, were less likely to need donor insemination. At the same time a culture change was occurring and families were increasingly being formed outside of the married heterosexual model. For many decades, infertile heterosexual couples had been the primary users of donor sperm. Now sperm banks began to look to a different demographic that included single women who chose to be mothers by choice and become parents without partners. They also began to look to lesbians both single and in couples who wished to have a family. Single Mother’s by Choice and lesbian women are now the largest group of donor-sperm users. The

In a study of the language offspring use to describe their sperm donor more than half use the word father or dad when referring to their donor.

Donor Sibling Registry recently polled its members and found that their profile had shifted along these same demographic lines with approximately 50 percent being single mothers, 33 percent being LGBTQ, and 17 percent being heterosexual couples. The use of donor sperm allows this new demographic of women to have the option of a genetic connection to their offspring and expands the cultural meaning of family. The open acknowledgment and increase existence of donor-conceived children reveal differing attitudes between how the parent who uses donor sperm views the donor and how the donor child views the

donor. In a study of the language offspring use to describe their sperm donor more than half use the word father or dad when referring to their donor. By contrast, a large study of the language parents use to describe the sperm donor includes the term donor two thirds of the time and the word father or dad only about 20 percent of the time. To the parents, the donor might just be a piece of genetic material or just a donated cell but to a child, the donor is half of their genetic material. Even today donor conception continues to redefine the meaning of family and connections.

In addition to the donor profile, some sperm banks provide families with a recording of the donor answering questions facilitated by the sperm bank. I only recently discovered my own donorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s recording. It was shared in the online folder that my diblings and I have together. Listening to it for the first time was both exhilarating and terrifying. I learned more and more about my donor, and in turn I discovered the many similarities we have in common. It made me feel even more connected to him.

Hello, My Donor number is 920. I am 6 ft 1 inch tall and weigh 160 pounds. I have a medium build. My hair is light brown, sandy blonde, straight hair and my eyes are hazel. My skin color is light and I burn fairly easily. Distinguishing physical characteristics include a prominent nose. My mother originates from Spanish heritage and my father is English and Swedish. My racial color code established by the California Cryobank is white.

Are you currently a student? And what are you studying?

and if not manipulate them and have a ra-

Yes, I am. Law.

peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s lives run.

Why did you choose that major?

And what do you plan to do in the future?

I chose it because I thought that ultimate-

I am going to be a lawyer for at least sever-

ly whatever one chose to do later in their

al years after I graduate, which is what I

life fundamental constructs that control

intend to do when entering law school.

our society are legal ones and I felt as a

However, in longer terms I would like to get

responsible person the best thing I could

back into writing fiction or non-fiction or

do was to learn how to deal with them

some slightly more creative endeavor.

tional sense of how they control the way

And what is your favorite class and why?

criticisms. So it is imperfect but it works

Well I can answer that in two parts.

better than almost any other system in

Constitutional law has been I think the

history has offered us so far.

most important class because of the issues involved but at the same time it wasn’t my favorite class because it was very disillusioning in terms of the way the judicial process really works and the bias-

So, you mentioned writing? So, you got this creative side to you? Right. Right.

control our decisions that we would oth-

And from what I understand you also obviously like the English language and words?

erwise think are objective and pure. So

Right. What my undergraduate majors

that was eye opening. The most enjoyable

were, were Art History and English. So,

class probably has been one on the dy-

writing as well as the visual arts are very

namics of …it was much more theoretical

important to me.

es on the supreme court on now that

class then legal… about the dynamics of how legal systems control bodies in terms of work, appearance, in terms of racial differences and that was again much more into French theory …And that was that was interesting. Do you think that there is ever justice in our law system? I think it does a pretty good job, better than a lot of people think, but humans are involved and humans make any system impure inherently and the best we can do is…our system tries to overcome our frailties of humans and our biases and our

What are your short-term goals? My short-term goals as I said earlier I am going to be practicing law in Los Angeles. It’s primarily…. I am going to primarily do litigation as well… but I am trying to get more into contractual work. I like contractual law better then litigation because while litigation is cleaning up messes and breaking down even further situations that people have gotten themselves into, contracts even though you take into consideration problems that could happen it deals much more with building up and

strengthening ties and progression of

sounding cliché in terms of my differenti-

society rather than regression.

ation, I think I also have a fairly strong emotionally generous side which I think

What is your idea of an ideal job?

comes from my mother.

Basically one that incorporates both the creative as well as the practical and has a

And how do you differ from your brother?

concrete impact. For example, this could

My brother and I are very similar in many

range from a small scale helping writers,

ways. He was just down this weekend and

helping artists, developing people who

so I, he’s ten years older than I am but we

have an impact broad based in terms of

are very similar he is somewhat more gre-

impacting people on a cerebral as well as

garious than I am. I think in terms of the

emotional realm. On the other hand, on a

way we think and process information we

larger scale I am also interested in say de-

are very similar and in some ways, we are

velopment of buildings, of architecture

the flip side of each other. He will rush

things that have more solidity and effect

into situations somewhat more… with it

people in communities in tangible ways.

perhaps the same intentions… the same view of a scene… whereas I will stand

Okay I am going to ask you a little bit about your family, now? Do you have any brothers or sisters? I have one brother. Okay, and let me ask you about your mother and your father, who do you think you are the most like? I think I share qualities of both. I think I am like my father in terms I have a fairly strong I think methodological side to me. I don’t jump to…I don’t like to jump to easy answers. On the other hand, at the risk of 36

back and look at it before rushing in. Okay, can you give me an adjective that describes you? I can think of two. The one more generous another a little more critical. If I was being generous I would say encyclopedic because I have a strong interest in a lot of different realms and I don’t like… let’s say an intellectual vacuum… like nature I implore a vacuum. I try to learn as much about as many different things. If I was

“ I can think of two. The one more generous another a little more critical. If I was being generous I would say encyclopedic because I have a strong interest in a lot of different realms and I don’t like… let’s say an intellectual vacuum… like nature I implore a vacuum. I try to learn as much about as many different things. ”

being less generous it might be eclectic

intellect to open horizons rather than to

or even I don’t think this is true but one

close them.

might say un-unfocused... because I do, not skip around, I think when I do dedicate myself to something I stick with it. But I’m not easily categorical, I would like to think that. I certainly don’t think that I am restricted by geographical terms. I am very much interested about what happens in the rest of the world and I think…I think about other cultures a great deal and try to incorporate different styles and perspectives into my own.

I alluded to this earlier I think a diversity of interests can lend itself to a certain diffusion if character, which can render one ineffective and I have to guard against that when I have to at different times in my life focus on certain things and stick with them to achieve anything and I think I have been doing that but sometimes it’s

What characteristics do you admire in others?

a struggle because (it doesn’t come easy

I would say generosity and openness in

so focused on one thing I really have to…

perspectives. While I respect standards

while I try to keep my other interests alive

and there have been some books recent-

there I have to remain focused on the

ly written in defense of elitism. Elitism

task at hand.

can be somewhat of a dirty word… but I respect the ability to reasonably defend what someone believes is worthwhile. Relativism, I become increasingly dissatisfied with because it brings everything down to the lowest common denominator. I don’t admire closed mindedness. And dogma and that’s what I least admire. I admire the ability to use one’s 38

Right, okay, then if you could what are some of the things you would like to change about yourself?

to you) especially in law school which is

Okay, let me ask you, what do you like to do? In my free time during law school primarily I read a lot I mean it seems I’m always reading. I subscribe to 10 different magazines and newspapers so when I’m not reading legal texts there is always something new coming in the mail that I feel like I have to get my eyes on, but I have a

lot of urban interests. Say inside museums and film and theater and that sort of thing and on the other hand I really,

Okay good, what would like to do, if you had more time and all the money in the world?

strongly value not a suburban existence

It would be again, it would be more time to

but a rural existence. I like getting outside,

read, more time to paint because I do even

I rowed during college, I play tennis I go

in law school try to paint a certain amount.

hiking. I like competitive sports to a cer-

Travel more. These are somewhat clichéd I

tain extent but it is more an escape more

suppose but these are the ones .. these

its I don’t want to say communizing with

are the things that I feel I get the most out

nature but it’s more of an individual experi-

of … how I enrich myself and hopefully if

ence. I consider myself somewhat athletic.

one devotes enough time to it and develops one’s skills is able to ultimately give

You mentioned movies, what kind of movies do you like?

the most back in terms of one’s experience in giving to other people.

I like a lot of different movies probably when I go I tend to see art films and foreign films more than mainstream

Let me ask you, do you have a favorite food?

Hollywood. One of the reasons I am

I think I prefer northern Italian because

sticking around in Los Angeles is I am in-

there can be subtleties to it but basically

terested in entertainment and when I

it is hardy and not as fussy as French food

graduated from undergraduate, it was ei-

or cuisines.

ther a decision between film school and law school. I have seen a lot of movies basically so when someone asks what my favorite movies are its hard to say but I go back to genre noir and umm Truffaut some of the better Truffaut. Right now, I like Peter Greenaway a lot. Peter Greenaway films.

Okay, What is one of the most memorable events in your life? Well I think memorable events can be defined in different ways there are some which creep up on you say my thesis when I completed that it was a gradual process and there was never a moment… perhaps there was a moment when it was 39

“ I would just like to wish them the best of luck in the future... in whatever endeavors they… and the choices they make. ”

done and you turned it in… but it was a

spirituality in the South of France is just

matter of refining it and some other proj-

it was meaningful…absolutely memorable.

ects that I have done that judges have used when I worked for a court that were

Do you have any pet peeves?

used in making the decisions that are

I think intolerance without cause. I think I

publically on record those are very tangi-

explained that a little earlier.

ble achievements that meant a lot to me. Some other, so those are work related in terms of achievements that meant a great deal. Other ones that say are more cerebral say spiritual in nature… one event

Okay the last question. Do you have anything you would like to say to the recipient of your sperm or to the child born of your sperm?

that in the South of France in Vence the

I would just like to wish them the best of

Matisse chapel that he designed which

luck in the future... in whatever endeavors

Matisse thought was the apex of his work.

they…and the choices they make.

Just going there and being there meant a lot to me, while I don’t consider myself a religious person I do consider myself somewhat spiritual and just the inter re-

Ok. Thank you. Thanks.

lationship between art and intellect and

Who Am I?

Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it. Buddha 45

ecause of the nature and circumstances of their conception donor sperm children occupy a unique place in confronting the challenges of their identity and the life-long journey of figuring out the answers to the questions of “who am I?” and “why am I who I am?” They grow up in an environment where they can see where half their genes come from but the other half remains more or less a mystery. They are most often conceived through artificial insemination in which anonymous donor’s sperm is introduced into the mother’s reproductive tract at the time of ovulation with the hope of leading to a successful conception. Or the sperm is used in the process of creating embryos in in-vitro fertilization because of male factor fertility issues. The donor is usually selected after scrutinizing profiles of donors evaluated and pre-approved by sperm banks. Because the donor is anonymous the conceived children lack the knowledge of part of their biological and genealogical roots. This unusual origin is the common denominator in all

donor sperm offspring. It creates unique challenges for both the parents and the children within the donor conceived community. Certain family structures are the principal users of donor sperm. Single women who chose to become parents without partners, lesbian couples, and heterosexual couples diagnosed with male infertility are the common family profiles in the sperm donor community. It is because of the unusual circumstances of these families and the unique beginning of their offspring that they face the difficult decisions on how and when to reveal the reasons behind and the details of their child’s conception. Many parents choose to incorporate donor conception into their child’s life story from the very beginning. The single by choice parent and lesbian couples are more likely to take this path. These children completely accept their unconventional beginning as part of their identity and do not consider it to be a big deal. This is not to say that at times they still won’t have many unanswered questions and curiosities about their donor beginnings and invisible donor family. On the other hand, some families choose to wait and tell their children at an older age that they were donor-conceived. They rationalize that an older child will be better able to understand why and how their origins are different than most of those around them. Other parents may keep putting it off for fear of disturbing a happy family life and some parents may disagree about 48

telling. And if it was not their parents intention for them to ever find out, they may be angry at them from hiding the truth of their origins from them. The donor-conceived children’s reaction to learning about their conception history runs the gamut. Some common initial reactions to the news of their donor sperm heritage are disbelief, hurt, surprise, sadness, and curiosity. Some donor offspring experience a certain relief and nonchalantly continue their lives, others are shocked, angered, and confused as it upends what they thought about themselves and their family. There are others who learn of their donor status as adults but who defy the stereotype of this being an experience that threw their identity into question and undermined their trust in their family. Some are deeply saddened by what they feel as the loss of an important connection to one parent, if they find out the biological tie they had always assumed existed no longer is true. Sometimes, when people find out that they are donor conceived, everything clicks into place. They finally have an explanation for differences they have always perceived between themselves and one parent. Even in close knit families, some may have felt that something just wasn’t right, picking up subtle cues from their parents or others who knew the truth. Some people felt they never had a genuine bond with dad, as if the secret had slipped an unseen barrier in the relationship. Some may feel grateful,

Their search for half siblings and their desire to learn more about their donor doesn’t mean that they don’t love their family, that their childhood is unhappy, or that they are different in any way from their peers. others may feel furious at their parents. Many may wonder why it took their parents so long to tell them. As it is true of parenting decisions in general, they truly believed they were doing the right thing for their children at the time. After acknowledging the reality of their donor as a real, living, breathing person, donor-conceived children may develop fantasies about their donor’s personality, achievements, physical and mental attributes, talents, and personality. While fantasies about the unknown are part of every child’s life, the reality is that donors are just regular people: no superpowers, no knights in shining armor, no American Idol, no perfect parent. Once they learn of their donor sperm origin, donor offspring vary in the intensity of their desire to find biological relatives. While some are scarcely curious, others feel incomplete without contact. In general, donor-conceived people are at least a little bit curious about their donor and possible

half siblings, whether they are simply interested in learning more information about their ancestry or their medical history or hopeful about establishing relationships with their biological kin. Their search for half siblings and their desire to learn more about their donor doesn’t mean that they don’t love their family, that their childhood is unhappy, or that they are different in any way from their peers. Moving from curiosity to action and initiating a search can happen whenever donor conceived children are ready. While some people feel instantaneously joyful and ready for contact, some have more complicated reactions. When they first start searching, unanticipated emotions may burst forth. Even though they may be extremely curious about their donor family, starting their search may take a few years. Searching does let them transform their questions about their past into concrete actions. While typically parents and offspring are the ones searching, occasionally donors are deciding to try to find their offspring. When offspring 49

They are also very interested in getting a better understanding of who they are and in learning about their background. For many people, the search for the donor is a search to learn about themselves.

search for donors, almost nine out ten cite curiosity about the characteristics of the donor as a reason. They are also very interested in getting a better understanding of who they are and in learning about their background. For many people, the search for the donor is a search to learn about themselves. For that matter, connecting with a half sibling can also be a window into themselves. Meeting and getting to know a half sibling is a lot easier than connecting with a donor. And using the internet as a buffer and facilitator can ease the process of connecting with a related stranger like a half sibling. It can also serve as a way to just stay in sporadic touch with donor related relatives rather than developing a more intensive relationship. Undoubtedly the excitement of finding biological relatives coexists with other more complex emotions.

At times establishing a relationship with a new sibling may seem awkward. How often does anyone strike up a relationship with a complete stranger who happens to be a close relative. No two connection experiences are like. Each half sibling the donor-conceived child meets will be coming with their own set of expectations, personality, and family dynamics. Meeting a half sibling is a major event. And these new sibling relationships are connections donor-conceived children will probably have for the rest of their life. Over time the significance of each connection will be determined. A possible benefit will be to connect with someone who not only has a biological connection but is someone who has dealt with similar identity issues and family dynamics. Half siblings may feel like friends or cousins. Some have even described half siblings as feeling like brothers and sisters.

Similar to other donor-conceived children I have connected with many of my half siblings over time. In order to present a more complete story about the experience of being a sperm donor offspring, I felt it was important to include the perspectives of some of my half siblings. Their thoughts and voices needed to be heard about their experience as a donor-conceived child. I was first introduced to my half siblings through the National Donor Sibling Registry. By using our donorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s identification number from the sperm bank we were able to search for and find each other. Currently there are 24 in our sibling group. I have only met 3 donor siblings. We more affectionately refer to each other as diblings (short for donor siblings). Many of my diblings were gracious enough to answer my lengthy questionnaire. I feel even more closely connected to them after reading their answers. Their responses have given me a glimpse into their lives. One day I hope to meet all of my new-found diblings. 53

June 1996

August 2013

January 2014

Emma Caroline Thompson Kaleigh Fuentes-Fuller Emma Marin Peter Marin Austin Valido Dani Valido Bailey Kelley Hannah McNeil Pete Simmons-Hayes

April 2016

July 2017

September 2017

December 2017

Wade Bishop Mike Downing Mel Wherry Jake McCormick Shane Bannon John Dahlberg Andrew Dahlberg Theo Merrill Riley Anderson-Barrett Livi Barton Sean Tucker Kathryn Placer Anna Rubenstein Daniel Tucker Jackson Anderson-Barrett 55

How would you describe your family? It is large and complicated, but loving. – Unknown My family is very complicated and I’ve explained it differently to different people. – Mel Wherry Very chill and kind. Gave my sister and I the independence we needed to find out passions. – Peter Marin I would say we’re just a normal family. We’re really close, I talk to my mom about pretty much everything. My sister was my best friend growing up, and even though we fight about trivial things (like stealing each others clothes etc) we’re always there for each other. – Kaleigh

Creative and Non-traditional. – Riley Did you grow up wondering about the second half of your genetic material? Sometimes, but not until I was in high school. – Unknown No because I never knew I was a sperm donor child. – Mel Wherry

I was raised by a single mom, and lived in a house with her and her parents. – Kathryn Placer

Yes, my dad that’s raised me is Puerto Rican so I always wondered why I didn’t look like him. – Peter Marin

Supportive, amiable, healthy. – Theo

I didn’t start getting curious about other siblings until the middle of high school. I think it was either 10th or 11th grade I joined DSR and realized that there was so many of us. The past year has been cool

My family is a nice mix of very laid back and workaholics. My dad used to be a hippy and spent most of his time either 56

fishing or living in his cabin in the woods. My mom is the opposite, from a big town on the east coast, very active in the school district and administration at universities, enjoys staying busy. Each of their sides of the family kind of follows the same trend as theirs. – Mike

because I’ve been able to meet some of the diblings and compare/contrast our personalities and physical features. I think it would be really cool if everyone could get together eventually. – Kaleigh

When I was 16. When I was 14, my mom gave me a CD containing the interview the donor had with the spermbank. It wasn’t until I was 16 that I listened to it all the way through and realized what it was. – Kathryn Placer

Yes. – Kathryn A little bit, but it was never a big source of curiosity in me. – Theo

My parents never kept it a secret, it was really just a matter of when I understood the concept. – Theo

No I didn’t find out till I was an adult. – Mike

When I was 20 on July 4th. – Mike

Yes, because I didn’t feel I had a strong cultural bond to either one of my mothers. – Riley

Not sure. I’ve known for as long as I can remember. – Riley

When did you find out that you were a sperm donor child? I have always know, so I do not know. – Unknown March 2017 when I was 21 years old. – Mel Wherry 15. – Peter Marin I was young, I think maybe kindergarten, but I don’t think I fully grasped the concept until 4th grade. My parents were always open and honest with us, and if I had a question they would try to explain the best way they knew how so that we could understand. – Kaleigh

How did your parent/parents explain the situation to you and how did it make you feel? My parents are OBGYNs, so they explained it through science. I felt fine about it, I never found my life different because it is what I knew. – Unknown My mom sat me down when she thought she found evidence of my genetic makeup being different than my fathers and we figured it out. I don’t feel like it was real felt like a movie. – Mel Wherry They explained that my dad wasn’t able to have children, but they both wanted to raise kids. – Peter Marin

I knew from young that I was born with the help of a sperm donor, but I don’t think I completely understood it until about the 4th grade. Like I said my parents were open with me and answered questions so that I could understand. I think I was either 14 or 15 when I saw the documents and heard the tape that the bank provides and that was pretty cool to hear. – Kaleigh My mom never explained it to me and I had to figure it out myself, making me feel as if it was something I should be embarrassed about. – Kathryn Placer When I first heard it I would’ve been really young, so I don’t remember. But it never made me feel abnormal or uncomfortable. – Theo Me and my dad were out for a run. He stopped and brought me down to the beach and we just sat on a log. He told me the whole story and we both cried, hugged each other, said how much we loved each other and then I came home and my mom already had all the documents laid out for me (very organized lol). I was very confused at first, but also just really relieved because it isn’t that bad finding out that you came from a donor. I figure everyone has one of those big moments growing like either a divorce, moving away young, a big death in the family. By those standards this didn’t seem that bad. – Mike

I can’t remember them telling me. I was so young that they probably told me in stages where I found out more as I asked more questions. I’ve always found it interesting. – Riley How do you feel about being conceived in such an unconventional way? Fine, but it is conventional in the sense of sperm meets egg sense. I think I only found the fact that I am not actually related to my closest cousins weird. I only really know two individuals related to me, my mother and grandmother, but my grandma lives across the country. – Unknown I’m grateful to be alive but I also feel there are major ethical concerns regarding my conception which bother me greatly. – Mel Wherry I feel very unique. Like I always have a story to tell at a party. – Peter Marin I don’t really think about it. It’s cool I guess. – Kaleigh I think it’s a cool thing now, but I used to feel like it was a secret I shouldn’t tell anyone. – Kathryn Placer My hometown has a pretty huge number of lesbian families, so it never seemed that weird. In some ways it’s either more

“ We all share 50% of

our genes, so why not meet and connect? ”

comfortable - I can talk/think about my conception without having to imagine my parents having sex, which heterosexual couples’ kids can’t (that’s mostly a joke, but I have noticed it). – Theo I don’t mind it. There is sometimes I look in a mirror and think, “huh so this is how genetics works.” – Mike I’ve always thought it was cool. Growing up all my friends thought it was interesting and would always ask questions. I was always more self-conscious about having two moms than having a donor. – Riley Is meeting and connecting with your siblings important to you and why? It’s not important, but it’s fun. This might be selfish, but seeing aspects of my character also present in my diblings helps me to define myself a bit more. It reassures me that the way I approach life is true to my person. – Unknown

Yes. I think it’s so cool that there’s so many of us and I love to see in what ways we look alike and if we have similarities in our personalities. We all share 50% of our genes, so why not meet and connect? – Kaleigh It’s very important to me! My mom’s side of the family is Mexican and Puerto Rican, and although I grew up with that as my primary heritage, I always felt like I didn’t quite fit in. Getting to know and meeting my siblings helped to understand that I’m the result of a mixture of families, and not just the black sheep of one. – Kathryn It’s not particularly important to me - I have a loving family and a brother, so I don’t feel anything - but I’d certainly like to, and am curious about it. – Theo

Yes! I love it so much I’ve gotten to become close friends with some already in the past year and I really could not imagine my life without them. – Mel

In total honesty when I first found out I was working on a really stressful short film and just starting at a new internship so I didn’t think I had enough time to connect with my siblings and since then I just keep putting it off waiting for the right moment to just said a wave of messages to all of you but just haven’t gotten around to it yet...I should probably do that soon. – Mike

Yes, it’s like meeting people that are a part of you. And it’s cool that we all have things in common. – Peter M

Yes. I think it would be really interesting to see how we are similar and different. – Riley

If you have met a half sibling do you see any similarities between you two? Sadly no, but a lot of the diblings are artistic (know from Internet chatting), which I certainly don’t think I get from my mom. – Unknown Yes very very many, physically I look very similar to a few in a way I don’t resemble the rest of my family and I’m personality I’m very similar to others. I have the same interests as a lot of them and similar career goals which is really cool. A lot of us also share mental health issues and other medical issues. – Mel

Haven’t met, but from what I can see most of us have similar chins/jaws and like arts. – Theo From what I’ve Facebook stalked on most of you and just from talking to Mel a bit it seems like almost all of us are interested in working in either a creative or a business field or both. – Mike I met one when I was in middle school and another when I was in my sophomore year of college. The first one was similar to me in that he is creative and the second is similar in physical attributes. – Riley How did you feel meeting a half sibling?

Yes, we’re all artistic in some way. – Peter M Yes, definitely!! I’ve met four siblings and it’s so crazy because we all have such different stories and backgrounds but there’s something there that you can tell we’re related. I think all of us in some way have a creative side, and I think we all have a weird sense of humor. I think some siblings look more alike than others which is interesting. – Kaleigh I did see a few similarities, but I couldn’t tell if they were genetic, coincident, or the result of growing up in the same region (Bay Area). – Kathryn

I was nervous at first but then it was really surreal and then really really cool. – Mel Felt like meeting a friend that I haven’t seen in a long time. – Peter M I was nervous, but so excited!! – Kaleigh I was really nervous, because even though we share some DNA, it still felt like meeting up with a stranger I had to impress. It’s hard because you go in with the expectation that you’ll instantly feel like family, but deep down you know that family is about the relationships you create, and not necessarily the DNA you share. – Kathryn

â&#x20AC;&#x153; I have the same interests as a lot of them and similar career goals which is really cool. A lot of us also share mental health issues and other medical issues. â&#x20AC;?

Anxious but interested. It’s a super odd feeling knowing that you have this connection with someone but not knowing anything about them. – Riley Did you feel like you were meeting a stranger or did you feel like they were somehow special/connected? Talking through messanger at least it still felt like I was talking to strangers, but strangers that got on very well. – Unknown Special and connected. – Mel It felt like we were connected. – Peter M For me it felt like I was going on a blind date, but once you start talking and learning more about each other, you can sort of feel a connection. – Kaleigh I was pleasantly surprised that I felt like we already had known each other. I think a big part of that was that we shared the unique experience of not knowing where half of our genes came from. – Kathryn Still haven’t met one in person, will definitely try to improve that. – Mike The first time it felt like a stranger, the second time it felt odd but a little more natural. – Riley

Has meeting your half sibling made you feel different about yourself and your family? No my dad is still my dad and my family is still my family these half siblings are just another greater piece to that. – Mel No, just gave me a greater appreciation of them. – Peter M Yes. I’ve always been jealous of bigger sized families, and wanted more siblings. I always knew my sister would eventually find out about her half siblings, and I kind of felt left out because I didn’t know if I could ever get in to contact with mine. – Kaleigh It certainly did. I always believed that family was more about the relationships you create than the DNA you share, and I was surprised to feel a connection with someone I had never met before. – Kathryn Still haven’t met one in person, I hoping to go to New York for the summer so maybe I can change that then. – Mike Has meeting a half sibling shaped your identify in any way? Yes I realized creativity flows in my blood and it truly is who I am. – Mel

I would say that the half siblings that I’ve met have helped me through certain situations already. – Peter M

Probably, it is still a little bit of a shell shock going from an only child to having over a dozen siblings. – Mike

I guess it makes me feel like I’m a part of something that all us share that no one can take away from us. – Kaleigh

No. I am interested in them, but my identity does not depend on my donor. – Riley

It did, because before doing so, I had a pretty narrow scope of family, and afterward, I realized I had a larger network of people that I’m connected to. – Kathryn Do you feel by meeting your half siblings you might better get to understand who you are? Yes. When I see common patterns between me and my diblings I feel that I am being true to my person. – Unknown

Do you feel that the sperm donor’s contribution to you is just a piece of genetic material or is it much more? Just genetic material, but saying just, makes it seem as though it’s a small contribution. I think aspects of DNA can affect a lot of aspects of your life. – Unknown I think it is just a piece of genetic material. – Mel He gave me my life. – Peter M

Yes I do I discover more about myself every time I talk or meet one. – Mel

I would like to think it’s a little more than genetic material. – Kaleigh

I do, because I often think of myself as a “white Mexican” and getting to know my siblings is making me realize that identity is more complicated than whether or not you fit into a single race. – Kathryn

I think it’s more because I consider being a donor-conceived child a major part of my identity. – Kathryn

Honestly not really, but it would be interesting to discern if there are any qualities about me/others that come from the donor. – Theo

It’s just a piece of genetic material - that manifests itself in very material ways, but ultimately that’s what it is. I grew up with two loving parents, and don’t feel like there’s anything else I should or would expect from the donor. – Theo

“ Creativity, stubbornness,

intelligence, hair color, and eye shape, spacing, jaw line. ”

“ Artistic skills, prominent nose, height. ” “ I love reading, have an

“eclectic” personality, and really value education. ”

In the tape they give you with the donor’s audio recording my mouth dropped at a lot of the life event similarities. Here was what we had in common. Both went to college in Los Angeles, both lived in France for a bit, both want to work in the business side of entertainment, both love to write, both studied art history for a bit, and there were some other coincidences as well. My point is I grew up in a small isolated fishing town in Alaska, all my friends either stayed in state or moved to Washington, they all either became fisherman or study engineering or marine biology, so for no reason other than I naturally wanted to ended up reliving most of the donor’s major life events. That seems a little odd to me. – Mike Mainly just genetic material, but that material has helped to create my mindset and aspects of my personality. – Riley What traits that you possess do you think came from your donor? It’s hard to know because I am a lot like my mom, but I think my artistic nature, care about social issues, ability to communicate well with others, some quirkiness, some of his solitary nature. – Unknown

Artistic skills, prominent nose, height. – Peter M Hair color, eyes, nose shape. – Kaleigh I love reading, have an “eclectic” personality, and really value education. – Kathryn Going off what I see in siblings, I think my jaw and interest in the arts - going off the application and recording of him, I think my verbosity. Besides that I don’t know. – Theo Appreciate for the arts, but want to work in the business side of the industry. Love of writing. – Mike I believe my decent math skills, small nose, and possibly some of my creativity have come from the donor. Creativity is hard to peg because both my moms are creative, but so are most of my donor siblings. Maybe creativity comes from both sides. – Riley Do you wish that you could have a relationship with the donor? Not exactly a relationship, more a single meeting. – Unknown Yes to some degree. – Mel

Creativity, stubbornness, intelligence, hair color, and eye shape and spacing, jaw line. – Mel

Yes. – Peter M

Yes, I would love to meet him! – Kaleigh Somewhat, but I wouldn’t be remiss if we didn’t. – Kathryn It wouldn’t be on my list of most desired wished, but I’d enjoy it if possible. – Theo Yes just so I could get a glimpse at maybe what the future holds for me and maybe learn from his mistakes. – Mike

One where we get coffee like 5 times a year and have casual chats. – Mike

No, but I wish to know more about him. – Riley

Sometimes I would like to keep things without a relationship, sometimes I would like to have some line of conversation. – Riley

What kind of relationship would you want?

If you had the opportunity what is one question you wish to ask the donor?

A meet and greet thing but nothing else. – Unknown

The most important piece of advice that helped him develop as an individual. – Unknown

I would like to discuss my art and hear about his to better understand my own creative process. – Mel Just to meet him. – Peter M Just a friendly one. I just want to know what similarities we have. – Kaleigh If anything, I would like to meet once, get my main questions answered, and send updates about the major milestones in my life. – Kathryn

The deal right now is that each Dibling can send him one letter and he’ll send one back - my plan is to wait until I have kids to write it. Until I’m a dad, I don’t think I’ll be able to understand my “relationship” with him. – Theo

Where does your inspiration come from. – Mel Why did you want to remain anonymous? – Peter M That’s so hard, I have a bazillion. I know that one of our siblings has already written a letter to him, and he replied, so I would try to ask a question that he previously didn’t answer. – Kaleigh

“ Where does your

inspiration come from. ”

“ Why did you want to

remain anonymous? ”

“ What’s surprised you about your life? ”

Would you like to join the Facebook group? – Kathryn What’s surprised you about your life? – Theo Do you think you would be happier if you choose to live as an artist rather than taking the professional route. – Mike Why did you choose to donate and why don’t you have children now? – Riley What are you most curious about the donor?

I’m curious about the formative moments in his life and his parents - what they were like, what they did. – Theo What he looks like honestly. One for just basic curiousity and the other to see if I can actually guess how much I look like him. Like if our face shares 60% of the same features does that mean I have 60% of your personality as well? – Mike physical traits, passions, intelligence, values. – Riley

Honestly, what he looks like. – Unknown

Do you feel like something is missing in life because you don’t know the donor?

His family, I would really love to know about his heritage and family traditions. – Mel

I don’t think there is something missing, I just want to know whether their DNA had any effect on my life path. – Unknown

What he looks like. – Peter M

To some extent yes. – Mel

What he looks like!! Also, I know he’s married, but I wonder if they have kids now. Maybe if his parents would ever want to know us, I would love to meet them. Maybe if his wife is aware that he donated. – Kaleigh

A small part of me that hasn’t been discovered yet. – Peter M

I’m curious about how he feels about knowing that he has (at least) 24 offspring running around in the world. – Kathryn

Every once in awhile I do. – Kathryn

Not really, I’m really content with my life and family. I’m grateful that I get to know about you guys! – Kaleigh

Not at the moment now that I’m an adult. Maybe if I knew as a kid I would feel left out. – Mike

“ Being donor-conceived is a major part of my identity, but my biological father himself doesn’t play a big role in how I see myself. ”

Have you struggled with not knowing your biological father? Not really. I have wondered how I would be different if I had a father at all though (I have 2 moms). – Unknown I always believed my father was my biological father so no. – Mel Yes, I would like some closure. – Peter M I mean I definitely wondered about him, but no I haven’t struggled not knowing. – Kaleigh I struggled a lot when I was younger, because I didn’t know where I came from and what type of person my biological father was. But after hearing his reasoning for donating, and learning a little about his personality, I’m fine not knowing exactly who he is. – Kathryn No. Many children do not have fathers. I get the opportunity to have two mothers. – Riley Is learning about your biological father important to your identity? It is more of a clarifier of my identity. It is not necessary, but it is sometimes wanted. –Unknown

No. Honestly meeting him is definitely more of a want than a need. I’m changing and growing every day and I think learning more about him would definitely be impactful but I don’t think it’s important for my identity. –Kaleigh Being donor-conceived is a major part of my identity, but my biological father himself doesn’t play a big role in how I see myself. –Kathryn It’d be nice - but I don’t see it changing my identity at all. –Theo This is a weird way of putting it, but I read screenplays constantly so I know the basic character arc where they go on a journey and find something that fulfills them and all that. I know that doesn’t happen in real life so I imagine knowing who the donor is wouldn’t magically have me reach some new state of being. I also kind of like the mystery in a sense, it allows me to stay in the belief that I’m unique because of my actions and not because my father was the same. Haha that might sound a little harsh, but honestly it isn’t that important in my life right now to find out who he is. – Mike Identity, no. Interests, yes. – Riley

What Now?

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. Jane Howard 75

hether it means connecting with half siblings or just the donor or both, the donor sperm family model expands the definition of family. Each individual sperm donor child and their family must figure out how they will handle the new relationships discovered. Undoubtedly there will be many bumps in the road and not all contacts made will meet expectations. Shared DNA does not always smooth over differences. The evolving cast of stranger-relatives created by the donor sperm family model is an unimaginably unique experience. There is no one rule book or set formula for foraging relationships with strangers who share your same DNA. A genetic connection doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t always mean everyone wants the same thing. First contacts are just the beginning. Family structures within the sperm donor community are diverse and are made up of heterosexual parents, same sex couples, and single parents by choice. These different structures may have an impact on making contacts between families and individuals.

The same sex family and single parent by choice are relatively new family relationship models compared to the traditional heterosexual parent family. Shared DNA may not be enough to overcome cultural, socioeconomic, political or religious differences. The cultural values of some heterosexual families may lead them to reject the prospect of contact with lesbian or single parent families. On the other hand, single parent families, both LGBTQ and straight, often encourage seeking out other donor families to encourage a larger community for their children. Also hesitancy in both gay and heterosexual couples to reach out within the donor community sometimes comes from the nonbiological parent, be it the nonbio mom or the nonbio dad. Connecting with donors or half siblings isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t always the magical experience hoped for. Some hope to find someone just like themselves but instead found someone with completely different interests and characteristics. However, most initial contacts are positive because in reaching out they are

Identity formation and the establishment of self-esteem can be profoundly affected by doubts about one’s origins. Having some of these doubts and mysteries resolved can be life changing for each member of the donor family. acknowledging a desire to open up to these new family connections and explore a deeper understanding of their identity and what family means. Identity formation and the establishment of self-esteem can be profoundly affected by doubts about one’s origins. Having some of these doubts and mysteries resolved can be life changing for each member of the donor family. For the donor-conceived children, the once unknown side of themselves is now known, and will need to be integrated into their identity. For the donor parent, they will be adjusting their image of their child based on this new knowledge. Donorconceived children will also arrive at a more enhanced understanding of themselves. For some, connecting with half siblings, rather than the donor, is an easier way of integrating this newly known side of themselves into their own sense of self. Compared to donors, more often than not siblings are more desirous of forming new bonds as they too are seeking to find their DNA roots and 78

understand who they are. It can also be less stressful to bond with peers than with another parent-type figure. And focusing only on finding siblings alleviates concerns about hurting one or both parents. Learning about and maintaining boundaries, can be tricky for donor offspring who are trying to discover more about themselves through their genetic roots while trying not to hurt their birth family. Our genetic roots are a key factor in our health. An important part of getting to know the donor and half siblings is learning about shared medical conditions or potential health issues. Occasionally donor sibling groups, upon connecting, discover that the children seem to possess similar medical issues that may stem from the donor’s genes. These shared medical issues can foster closeness between families as they support one another by comparing notes, remedies, and valuable diagnostic and testing information. However, meeting genetic relatives won’t answer everything about our health or ourselves. While genes do have important implications

Nature plays a role in determining health, personality and intelligence but it does not prevail over nurture.

for our health, our behaviors, and even how we understand ourselves, a particular genetic heritage only shows the possibility for certain outcomes but doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t necessarily control them. Nature plays a role in determining health, personality and intelligence but it does not prevail over nurture. Teachers, community, parents, birth order, chance and circumstances as well as genes all contribute to who we are. As numerous studies of twins show that people become who they are not just because of their genes but because of how they were raised, who raised them, the community they grew up around, and a host of other influences. Also for all children besides inheriting one half of their DNA from their genetic parents, epigenetic changes, which are heritable alterations in gene expression caused by mechanisms other than changes in the DNA sequence, that occur in utero during pregnancy, and even afterwards, do affect the people they become. As donor siblings get

to know each other, they will undoubtedly compare how they are similar and how they are different from one another. This means meeting genetic relatives wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t answer all questions about personality and health. The unique circumstance of sperm donor conception has helped expand the understanding of what is family. As donor families and donor conceived children work to find their own comfort zone, while respecting the needs of a forever evolving cast of stranger-relatives, they know they belong to a strong supportive community. Life is not a straightforward path and neither is family. The idea of family and what it looks like is constantly evolving and changing. After all, my single parent by choice family was not even possible until sperm donor programs were expanded beyond traditional couple infertility. For now, I am just beginning to experience and define my own new connections.

When a donor-conceived child turns 18, they have the opportunity to send a letter, through the sperm bank to their donor. Sometimes the donor writes back, other times the donor wishes for no more contact. As an ending to my capstone project I have composed a letter to my donor. The process of writing this letter was both rewarding and challenging. For a donor-conceived child like myself, finding the right words to place down on the page is nerve-racking. This is my one shot at introducing myself to my donor. Whoever he may be, I thank him for donating. Without his contribution I wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be here today.

Notes Since the completion of the content I have discovered 4 new diblings. My dibling number has grown to 28. The final number of diblings has yet to be determined and may never be.

Sources Images: Collection of childhood photos taken by my mother. My Donor Profile Document. Text: Content from my own head, donor profile document, recording of my donorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s interview at the sperm bank, quotes from my siblings and from Finding Our Familes: A First-of-Its-Kind Book for Donor-Conceived People and Their Families by Wendy Kramer and Naomi Cahn.

Colophon Fonts used Balto and Lava Pro. Images all Sourced from Designers Personal Collection. Paper Type Mohawk Superfine Smooth White 80T and 65C. Printed at Marvel Printing in St. Louis MO. Hand Bound by Designer. Book Concept and Design by Emma Thompson.